Merriment QI

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Goooooood....

..rest ye merry, merry, merry, merry, merry, merry gentlemen,

let nothing you dismay

and welcome to the QI Christmas panto,

with an evening of Merriment.

Let's see who's under my tree.

It's Baron Hardup, Johnny Vegas.

And here's Buttons Bill Bailey.

Widow Twankey, Jenny Eclair.

And a horse's arse, Alan Davies.

So, let's hear your panto noises.

Johnny goes...

-BUZZER:

-"OH, YES, IT IS."

Bill goes...

-BUZZER:

-"OH, NO, IT ISN'T."

Jenny goes...

-BUZZER:

-"HE'S BEHIND YOU!"

And Alan goes...

-BUZZER:

-"WHY IS THAT MAN WEARING A DRESS, MUMMY?"

Good question. Have a sweet, dear.

Right, now, I've sent you all a Christmas card and here they are.

I've got one for Johnny. And one for Jenny.

-Thank you.

-One for Bill. And there's one for Alan.

-Thank you.

-Now, my question is quite simple -

whose card is most like the first card ever sent?

-Well, mine's like that.

-Yeah.

-OK, well, I've got a robin.

-You've got a robin.

-A lovely cock robin.

-Cock - maybe. How do you know it's a cock robin?

Er, well, um...

I mean, I don't mean cock robin...

Is that what Batman said?

That's terrible. ALAN LAUGHS

-He likes that - you like that, don't you?

-I like that.

He's very pleased with himself. Have another sweet.

-Sorry?

-"How do you know it's a cock, Robin?"

I didn't actually...

"How do you know it's a cock, Robin?"

So you've got the robin and the robin is certainly

a traditional Christmas card picture and image.

-You've got a Roman statue?

-In a Christmas jumper.

Which seems unlikely, though, of course,

-the Roman Empire had hundreds of years as a Christian empire...

-No.

-But you still...

-If it had been a Christmas toga, maybe, but no.

That's not the original Christmas card.

Well, fair point.

You've got a little baby.

I'm struggling to think this is the original.

It's very close to my upbringing.

-But it's not...

-"I saw this and thought of you."

Well, we saw that and thought of you, Alan.

There we are. It does look a bit like me.

It looks very like you.

I would say that is Alan Davies, there.

-In a production of Puss In Boots.

-Puss In Boots.

In 1916.

So was that the very first Christmas card?

No, it wasn't, but we were just fascinated to see Alan in it

and to see that you were working in panto then

and wondered, you know, whether you had a good experience?

-Loved it.

-You loved it, yeah.

It's demanding, cos it's five shows a day.

Yes, five. That's what they always say.

But financially, it's the best gig of the year, so...

And can I say, I don't think we're getting the best out of my costume.

Show the ladies and gentlemen.

Look, I've got a tail.

-Hey! AUDIENCE:

-Hey!

And I've got...I've got feet and everything.

-But it's all out of sight below the desk, Stephen.

-Yes.

It looks like you're just wearing a pair of large grey trousers,

for no reason at all.

They are retaining all the moisture, that's all I'd like to say...

-Is it a ventriloquist's donkey?

-It is now.

-Oh, yeah...

-"Happy new year."

-That's a scary-looking...

-"Rubbish Stephen, more points."

You look like you're wearing boiler lagging.

-You do! You've been lagged.

-I've been lagged.

All right, so yes, that was one Christmas card, it was 1916.

I vote the robin as the early one.

Robins were very early on Christmas cards.

It's probably the most common depiction of Christmas, isn't it?

Do you know why they were common?

-Why were they considered a symbol of Christmas?

-Uh...

What it is, is that when the first Christmas cards were delivered,

they were delivered by postmen who wore red tunics

and were known as "red breasts".

-Oh, yes.

-Robin red breasts.

And so the sight of the postman coming up the path in the snow...

..was a harbinger of doom.

..was a harbinger of doom, of doom / Christmas.

-A harbinger of postal orders.

-Yeah.

That's the most commonly accepted theory.

What is also interesting is that in the last...20 years, maybe,

the number of robins on Christmas cards in Britain

has declined enormously.

Well, that's because that one looks like he's been doing Charlie.

No, that...

It just looks like he's been abusing drugs.

-BILL:

-It does, doesn't it?

-JOHNNY:

-He's the reason you can't get in a cubicle.

Only you would notice, only you.

I'm perhaps one of the last humans in Britain

who use cubicles to have a poo.

And at Christmas, the thought of a little robin red breast in there

-just going...

-HE SNIFFS

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-"I'll be out in a minute."

..whilst I'm touching Christmas cloth.

Oh, gracious.

-BILL:

-# "Touching Christmas cloth..."

HE HUMS TUNE OF "JINGLE BELLS"

This is already going slightly out of control.

I think he's just... He's been at the Gold Top, that's all that is,

-he's been at the Gold Top on your doorstep.

-Yes, that's right.

-True.

I'll just finish my robin point, which was reasonably interesting,

-at least to me, if no-one else.

-Yes.

And that is, that over the last ten years,

the number of robins appearing in Christmas cards...

YAWNING

Over the last ten years, the number of robins

appearing on Christmas cards has declined by a quarter.

But the number of robins in Britain, as the real birds,

has increased by nearly a half.

-Exponentially.

-Yeah.

-Oh, right.

So, we'll turn to Jenny.

What did Romans do at Christmas time?

Rome...? What did Romans...?

-Well, they would feast and fornicate and puke up afterwards.

-Exactly.

Nothing's changed, really, over the years, has it?

-That's Christmas, basically.

-That's Christmas, yeah.

-Christmas tends to happen...

-Once a year.

Once a year.

-Thank you.

-I'm trying to help.

APPLAUSE You are.

-She can't get points for that.

-No points for that.

You think that's too obvious? It's not for me...

A perfectly legitimate point has been scored.

-Christmas is for life...

-All right.

-..not just for...

Oh, hang on, no, no.

-There are midwinter feasts - Christmas is one.

-Pagan feasts.

-Yeah.

-And the Roman one was Saturnalia.

-Saturnalia.

-Saturnalia,

after the god Saturn.

-And there you can see...

-Oh, the debauchery.

You can see him throwing up in the middle, in fact.

We did that in the stockroom at Argos.

At Christmas.

But the card that is closest to the first card ever sent

is Johnny's.

-Oh, the drinking baby.

-Baby with a drink?

It was similar to the first card,

which had a whole family with drinks, including a baby there.

-That's the original. JOHNNY:

-Let me get this straight.

For years, I've thought that I was raised

in an unstable environment,

when actually my dad, every day,

has just been trying to promote the original Christmas card.

Yes, there you are, exactly. Exactly.

JOHNNY LAUGHS

It was designed by John Callcott Horsley,

Royal... Royal Acad... No, now I'm going to have one of these moments...

-Royal Acadamadition.

-A Royal Acadamadition.

A Royal Academician. ALAN BABBLES

It was designed by John Callcott Horsley, RA.

And he...

-Very good.

-Nice.

-Safe.

And, as you see, it depicts a family

all toasting Christmas and the New Year,

including the toddler, there, in green, in front,

and there's on the left a sign of feeding the poor,

and on the right, a sign of clothing the naked,

-all the good things you should do on Christmas.

-Ah, yes.

-If you see any naked people, clothe them.

-Yes.

Do not approach them.

No. So there we are.

Now, the Queen has a Christmas message, as do we.

In fact, as we approach the end of series 13,

it's time for us to reveal that every episode of QI,

every single one, since the very first,

has included a secret message which nobody has spotted.

Where do you think it's hidden?

Is it on your face?

Have you just encrypted

some of your delightful laughter lines into some...?

Perhaps it's in Klingon.

HE SPEAKS KLINGON

-Merry Christmas.

-It's not on my face.

Is it in the credits or the theme tune?

-Theme tune.

-The theme tune?

-Ah!

-The theme tune.

-BILL:

-What? No!

Yes. It's in code.

-What sort of code do you think it might be in?

-Morse code.

-Morse code is the right answer.

-No, really?!

-Yes. Yes!

JENNY LAUGHS, APPLAUSE

It was composed by the prolific Howard Goodall,

whom people will know from Vicar of Dibley and Blackadder

and many other theme tunes, as well as serious work,

and his colleague, Simon Nathan, decoded this,

and this is what it actually says.

And that is actually a decoding of the...

HE KNOCKS ON DESK ..the long and the shorts,

the minims and the crochets, if you like, in musical terms.

And it does come out as www.alan0andstephenhero.com.

And that...that is...

I know, I'm sorry. I didn't...

APPLAUSE

-BILL:

-He never told you.

-No...

Years, you've been, like, in the stocks.

Oh. Poor Alan.

Well, I didn't know it until I was told either, Alan.

It's not my...

-A STUDIO LIGHT BLOWS Oh!

-My God!

-What happened there?

-What the hell was that?!

-It was a light.

-BILL:

-Was it a lamp?

-It might be a lamp.

-No, no, he's got a bad ankle,

I'm just taking him out.

I can't afford to keep him.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wow.

I absolutely shat myself.

ABSOLUTELY shat yourself? My God.

So where were we? Where were we? Where were we?

Oh, we were with this, www.alan0andstephenhero.com.

-Yeah, let's move on from that.

-You might find, ladies and gentlemen,

including panelistas,

that that is a real URL,

a real web address, that you can find a little QI Easter egg in

if you visit it.

Wow, if you've got nothing better to do with your lives.

I think it's a jolly exciting thing to do with your life.

Yes, it is, of course.

-BUZZER:

-"OH, NO, IT ISN'T..."

So this...

-BUZZER:

-"OH, YES, IT IS."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I knew there'd be trouble.

I mentioned to you that that hidden code was discovered by Simon Nathan.

He's in the audience. Where are you?

-Is he wearing an anorak?

-There he is, over there.

He's not wearing an anorak. APPLAUSE

Well done. Thank you very much.

There you are.

-Other TV shows have also hidden Morse code inside them.

-Have they?

Yeah. Do you know of one?

One quite well-known example, pretty obvious when you think about it.

-Loose Women.

-BILL:

-Morse.

-Morse.

-Of course.

-Morse, yeah.

The composer, Barrington Pheloung, liked to...

-Never!

-That's his name, yes.

Barrington Pheloung, nice chap. Very nice fellow.

He used to hide the name of the murderer very often

in the opening...

HE HUMS BEAT ..there.

Yes. Wasn't it like this?

-Hang on, I've actually, look, look...

-Oh, hello.

Right. It was like this, wasn't it?

HE PLAYS NOTES

-Yes.

-He'd tap it out and then when the murderer appeared, he went...

SINISTER MUSICAL STING

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And you went, "That's him!"

They never understood why everybody could guess the murderer, could they?

Another one which used Morse might surprise you.

It had titles that came over

as a sort of ticker-tape kind of thing at the end,

with a piccolo giving the tune of a famous sitcom.

BILL WHISTLES

-Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em.

-Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em.

-That one.

-That one.

-Exactly.

-I'll stop whistling now.

That was brilliant, you're right, that was the tune.

And there's a building that gives off Morse code,

a very famous building in Hollywood.

-How? Tapping it?

-Well, it's got a light flashing at the top.

-It's not sound.

-Oh, I thought it was...

Because of course, Morse code can be visual as well.

There it is. Capitol Records. It's like a stack of discs.

And it flashes out this message here,

"Hollywood", in Morse code - very simple.

But in 2013, it changed to announce Katy Perry's new album Prism

and its release date came out in Morse code.

Nobody noticed.

Not like the demographic of Katy Perry's fans, not...

They're not really into Morse. I'm just...just saying, just saying.

In 2004, Morse code added its first addition since World War II,

which is di-dah-dah-di-dah-di.

See if you can guess what it is?

It's an addition to the Morse alphabet.

It's going to be a hashtag or an @ sign.

It's an @ sign, well done.

Exactly right, so that people can swap e-mail addresses.

Samuel Morse invented Morse code, as you probably know.

But do you know anything about him, other than that he was the inventor of Morse code?

He had another job, which was rather interesting.

He was a painter and he liked, or was commissioned, to paint...

-Dot-dot-dot, dash...

-..to paint paintings...

Dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot...

He wasn't a pointillist, but he was commissioned to paint paintings.

It seems very odd, why would he be commissioned to paint paintings?

Whoa! There's a fly on my hand!

Argh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh!

Oh...!

You've killed it, Alan!

-I never thought I'd get it in a million years!

-How could you?!

It was just looking for somewhere to sleep

-and you just killed it, you...you brute!

-I'm so sorry.

Never mind. Merry Christmas, everybody.

Samuel Morse was a painter

and he was commissioned to paint paintings.

-Paint paintings.

-Because he lived in an era

when there were no catalogues.

-Of course.

-Of museums, for example. So he painted...

-The Argos catalogue.

-He painted one famous...

He painted one famous painting, six foot by nine,

of the most well-known exhibits at the Louvre Museum.

So you could see them if you hadn't visited it.

You can see the Mona Lisa, down there, famously.

-The best-known of...

-He was quite good, wasn't he?

-Yeah, he was.

-So as a sort of copyist...

Yeah. To give you an idea of what was in the museum,

the best-known ones there, if you didn't have a chance of getting to Paris, for example.

So next time you think of Samuel Morse,

-you can think of that as well as the dots and dashes.

-Oh.

I will - I'll think of him as...as a public spirited...

-I think that's genuinely interesting.

-Thank you.

-Yes.

-That's all we hope for. Good.

So by that logic, he invented the internet?

-He didn't.

-He didn't?

-No.

-BILL:

-Wait, the fly's coming back to life!

Hold that thought, though.

I have to hold these thoughts, I have nothing else.

No, they're good thoughts. Thank you.

Anyway... We'll move on, we'll move on.

And we may come back to that.

I very much doubt it, but we may.

Describe the plot of, or sing a song from the popular musical,

"The Bathrooms Are Coming".

# The bathrooms are coming

# Thank God, I need a shit! #

-Nice.

-Bill, can you do me

CISTERNS Are Doing It For Themselves?

Oh, very good. APPLAUSE

# The bathrooms are coming Lock up your pipes

# The bathrooms are coming Where are your knives?

# Kill, kill, kill them They'll be coming

# Kill them, kill them

# The bathrooms are coming for your lives... #

AUDIENCE CLAPPING ALONG

# They're coming for your souls... #

# I've had it installed now

# And there's nothing to pay till September

# I'm on an HP high

# And ain't no debt collector ever gonna bring me down

# Water may be very hot

# Don't let the grout go mouldy on me... #

APPLAUSE

It was country and western.

BILL PLAYS A TUNE

If you're going to do country and western, it'll be...

# Fixed shower head, driving me wild

# Can't find my crevices no matter how hard I tried

-# I'm going to put my leg up... #

-No, don't!

-# Pull my junk to the side... #

-Oh...!

BILL PLAYS AN END NOTE

Thank you.

Well, that was a big surprise, thank you very much.

Do you know what that might be? The Bathrooms Are Coming?

-The Bathrooms Are Coming?

-Written by a Broadway musical composer.

But not for Broadway.

-Was it a bathroom company?

-A commercial or something?

Yes. American Standard, they were called,

and this was one of many, many, many industrial musicals,

which had their heyday in between 1950 and 1980,

30 years of exciting musicals

for conventions of various companies and their salesmen, all over America.

And they would write specialist musicals just for the salesmen,

just for the conventioners, not for the members of the public.

But they had big budgets and they were written by Broadway,

serious Broadway composers, who hid their names, I think.

-Yeah.

-But that's an example of one, The Bathrooms Are Coming.

An original musical, presented by American Standard, as you can see.

The Sound of Selling.

B F Goodrich's 1966 sales meeting musical.

Isn't that exciting?

-The Saga of the Dingbat.

-The Saga of the Dingbat?

-This is the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

-Isn't it?

-Truly astonishing.

-Mental, innit?

-These were huge.

-What's going on?

Well, when it started in the '50s, by about 1955,

-America...

-..had gone mad.

..made two-thirds of the world's goods.

Two-thirds of manufacturing industry in the world was American.

Was this at the height of,

"This week's show was brought to you by Lorimar cigarettes..."?

-There was all that sponsorship going on...

-Yeah.

..on the Ed Sullivan Show and things like that, yeah.

-So wait, hang on, if you want to hang on a second.

-Excellent!

# If you've a hankering for knowledge

# But can't be arsed with college

# Then this is the show for you. # Something like that, I don't know.

Yeah. That's the one!

That's the QI show. APPLAUSE

# This really Quite Interesting show! #

-Something like that.

-Yes, The Quite Interesting Show.

We've got our own musical. APPLAUSE

Thank you, Bill.

# Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan

# Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan I'm aghast! #

-LAUGHTER

-# And he's won! No, he's last. #

You know.

Now time for a short interval. Who wants an ice cream?

-Yes, please.

-Me, me, pick me.

-Oh, there we are. Yeah, go on.

There, take a couple.

-We've got some left over, of course.

-Thank you very much. Wow!

-There you go.

-Johnny?

-Oh, yes, please. Thank you, my love.

Chocolate, I've got chocolate, I don't really like chocolate.

-I've got raisin, I don't like raisin.

-Do you want to swap?

-Yes.

-No, I'd like vanilla, please.

-Oh?

-LAUGHTER

-Do you like chocolate?

-Do you want to swap?

-Yes!

-You can have another flavour.

-I've got strawberry.

-That'll do me!

-All right.

-Oh, you already had a bit!

-Yes!

LAUGHTER

How else would I know I didn't like it!?

-Well, do what I did - just sniff it and lick it.

-Don't do that!

-People who sniff...

-Don't take a lump out!

You must have very warm hands, cos this is already melted!

I'm having a hot flush!

-APPLAUSE

-It's one of my super-powers!

-Mine's turned into a slushy!

-Yes!

You're going to a dinner party and they've forgotten to get

the ice cream out of the freezer, just hold it against my neck!

-LAUGHTER

-And it's spoon soft in seconds!

-Well, there's barely any...

-THEY BOTH SHOUT

LAUGHTER DROWNS THEM OUT

-Right...

-I don't want to do this in front of Stephen.

-No.

But the next time we're having ice cream, just...

LAUGHTER

-Don't have her on my team!

-Do you have any HRT-flavoured ice cream?

-No, this is delicious. Thank you very much.

-Good.

This is what I think life will be like in a nursing home.

LOUD LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE Anyway...

What flavour have you got?!

-Bingo!

-So what was the biggest nuisance

-in the Victorian theatre?

-I like peas! I had a fly in mine.

-What was the biggest nuisance...?

-I've got to tell this.

What was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre?

-No...

-What was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre?

-APPLAUSE

-Please!

SHOUTS: What was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah?

Any thoughts?

Ice-cream?

-I, genuinely...

-Don't worry, you don't need to press them.

-Was it people interrupting?

-That was one of them.

Was it the infamous female flasher

who'd invade a Victorian stage without her bloomers,

and she was called Fanny by Gaslight.

-Was it her?

-It wasn't that, no.

Was it things going wrong, like machinery?

Well, those were all bad things, they are bad today,

but what is actually still one of the worst things that can happen?

-People eating sweets.

-That's bad.

-Was it a bulb breaking?

If you're in the audience,

what is one of the most annoying things for you, not just...

Cholera.

LAUGHTER

Being stabbed in the neck by someone.

You're stretching, Bill. It's good that you're thinking.

TB.

Rickets.

LAUGHTER

If you stayed in for a very long time. No, what it is...

Let's imagine, for example, the Victoria Theatre, in London.

-Yeah.

-It had 2,200 people. When it came to the interval?

-Oh, the lavatories?

-The lavatories.

-How many lavatories do you think it had?

-Four.

-Two.

-One.

-One lavatory.

-One lavatory, 2,200 people.

-This is an issue, isn't it? It's not good.

-Nothing's changed.

Well, things were even more problematic up north,

certainly in the Theatre Royal in Newcastle, in the Victorian era,

where they actually installed lead lining on the floor of the balcony

because urine was dropping down on to the people in the stalls,

because people just peed where they sat

cos there was nowhere else to go.

-GEORDIE ACCENT:

-Lovely, lovely Geordies!

LAUGHTER

Now, now, careful, careful. Just be careful, that's all I'm saying.

Aye aye, we'll piss on't floor!

It's pretty grim. That was in 1837. That was a serious problem.

What changed then were intervals.

Intervals came more or less in time to coincide with the desire

of people to, you know...

They had what they called the Broadway Bladder,

which is supposedly 75 minutes,

which is the maximum, averagely, that people can go without having a pee.

And cinemas often had intermissions in our childhood.

Do you remember any particular ones?

-Zulu, I saw Zulu...

-Zulu had an intermission.

..and it was very frightening and there were masses of Zulus

-coming over the hill, and then they had a break...

-Yeah.

-..and when we came back, wasn't quite so frightening after that.

-No.

Other films, The Godfather, Sound of Music,

they all had intermissions too. Really big movies.

Hitchcock said, "The length of a film should be directly related

"to the endurance of the human bladder."

About seven minutes with me, then.

Now, Christmas comes and goes, but one thing that's never

out of season is General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers, please.

On which bank holiday is it most likely to snow?

Easter Monday.

Is the right answer.

No!!!

APPLAUSE

Yes! Come on!

Very good.

Bloody hell. I'm impressed.

Absolutely.

Statistically it is more likely to snow at an Easter bank holiday

than it is over the Christmas.

Yeah, December averaged 3.9 days of snow and March had 4.2.

You are more likely to see a white Easter than a white Christmas.

Can you give me a line from the world's first panto?

Go on, go on...

He's behind you.

KLAXON

-Yay!

-Oh, you MADE me do that!

-Why did you do that?

-It's your buzzer, isn't it?

She did so well on Easter Monday

and you've just sabotaged it out of spite!

Anyway, no, first pantoMIME, what were pantomimes originally?

-Oh, silent.

-They WERE silent.

-They were mime.

Yeah, unlike mimes, oddly enough.

The pantomime was a character in a Roman play, who represented

all kinds of mythological things and he never spoke.

-Wow.

-Terrifying.

You'd be hard pressed to shift tickets for that, though,

wouldn't you?

LAUGHTER

My God, look at that. That's an Ood and Lady GaGa.

Well, isn't it Zoidberg from Futurama?

Nothing screams "festive" like a shin-kicking contest

between two people for whom life has gone very wrong.

The first pantomimes were silent and only had one person in the cast.

So let's take a look at the scores.

Oh, my actual actual.

In fourth place, a brilliant first appearance,

and actually an incredibly high score by any QI standards.

-On minus two it's Jenny Eclair!

-Did quite well.

APPLAUSE

In third place, with minus one, Bill Bailey!

APPLAUSE

I still don't understand why.

When two giants meet at Christmas, who can it be?

Who's the winner, who's the winner here?

In second place, with eight points, it's...

Johnny Vegas!

APPLAUSE

Oh, my stars, the winner on 11 is Alan Davies!

APPLAUSE

QI JINGLE PLAYS

So, that's all from Jenny, Johnny, Bill and Alan,

but before we go, I have one more trick up my sleeve.

Right, let's see.

Now, here's the box in which I keep my luggage.

There we go, like so.

Let's see. That's...

Now, in my luggage I keep a very Christmassy item.

It's what everyone should keep in their luggage, really.

It's a big surprise.

APPLAUSE

-Do you need a hand?

-Thank you.

There you go.

Splendid.

-Oh, hello, Scott?

-I have a surprise for you, Stephen.

-Oh, no.

My name is Scott Penrose. I am the President of the Magic Circle,

and if you're a member of the Magic Circle,

you have to have taken a test.

And throughout this series of QI, you've been doing various

-magical experiments, so it's with a great deal of pleasure...

-No!

..to announce that Stephen Fry is now formally

a member of The Magic Circle.

Oh, my God!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Magic Moments by Perry Como

Merry Christmas, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE