Messy QI


Messy

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This programme contains some strong language.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

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good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome

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to QI, where tonight we'll be one massive, marvellous, molten mess.

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And here's the mix...

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the massive Noel Fielding...

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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..the marvellous Eddie Kadi...

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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..the molten Sarah Millican...

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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..and who will clean up this mess? Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And let's hear your "messy" buzzers.

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Noel goes...

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GLASS SMASHES

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Hmm. Eddie goes...

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BUILDING COLLAPSES

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Sarah goes...

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CAR CRASHES

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And Alan goes...

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FOOTBALL CROWD CHEERS

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LAUGHTER

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Do you know what that was?

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April 2010.

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What's our theme?

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Mess.

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Lionel?

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Lionel Messi.

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Messi...scoring how many times against Arsenal?

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Oh, four. Four times.

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Yes.

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I'm afraid so.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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There you are.

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Anyway, what's...the meaning of this mess of M words?

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Just choose one as it passes by.

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Oh, mumbudget is how much your mum's got in her purse.

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So, is that literally the budget that your mum has?

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Cos when I was growing up, I'd ask my mum for £10

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and she'll always be like, "I don't have £10, here's £1."

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Right?

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If I asked her for £1, she'll give me 20 pence,

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so I asked her for a million...

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Just to get it up.

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Just to, yes, just to get it up.

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And she slapped me.

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Mumbudget is like keeping mum, it's to be silent about something.

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You put the word budget after, like, there's a word fussbudget,

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for example, which is someone who's very fussy.

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"Oh, don't be such a fussbudget" was a Regency sort of word.

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Monarsenous.

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Yeah, a single, er...crack.

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Oh!

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Mammock, the mixture of a mammoth and a hammock.

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It's a bra, it's a bra.

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A useful one to sleep in.

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-It's where...

-A mammock?

-It's where I hang my mammaries.

-Oh, your mammary hammock, yes. A mammock.

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-A maness is a woman.

-Yes.

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-Is a mormal...?

-Is it?

-Yes...

-Is it?

-But what's surprising...

-Is it?!

-Yeah.

-You got one right!

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-I got one right, yeah. I'm going!

-Is it actually?

-Yes.

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You might think that it was a recent word for a woman, a maness,

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but actually it's 16th century.

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Tudor, 1500s, maness.

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-A man and a maness.

-Yeah, a man...

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Mazology, the study of mazes.

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BUZZER ALARM Oh, no!

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The study of mazes.

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Oh, you must be so stupid to get one of those go off!

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-It's actually the study of mammals.

-Oh!

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-Mammals in zoology.

-That live in mazes.

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Mazology, yeah.

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Mogi, mogi...

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Is a mutton-monger like a Welsh person? No!

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I'll get into trouble for that.

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It could be a man with extreme sexual appetites can be called a mutton-monger.

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-Oh, really?

-So, a Welshman then.

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I pulled it back, did you see? I pulled it back.

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Is a mournival like a really good funeral?

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-Woo!

-APPLAUSE

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And what other words have we come across?

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A mugwump is when you put your biscuit in your tea

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and half of it falls to the bottom.

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Oh, that would be so useful as a word.

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What about munge, is that a man with a vagina?

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No, it's...

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Munge is actually a verb, and it's something mothers do,

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but I don't know anybody else would do it, unless they were weird.

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-I munge, you munge, we munge, they munge.

-We munge, that's how verbs work.

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They munge!

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You've conjugated the verb "to munge" very nicely.

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I have.

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-Mothers...

-I munge daily.

-Yeah.

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-I am munge...

-I will have munged, would be future perfect.

-Yes.

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I could have munged.

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-Could have munged, I might have munged, I may well have munged.

-Yes.

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I cannot remember if I munged or not.

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-Munge is to wipe someone else's nose.

-Wow.

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-I did not munge.

-You didn't munge.

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I munge about every 15 minutes at home.

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Mesopygion...mesopygion is interesting,

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because you almost mentioned that.

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-A mesopygion.

-Mesopygion.

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Mesopygion.

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It sounds like you're doing yourself down, oh me-so-pygion

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Oh, mesopygion. Er...

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Pyg, P-Y-G is buttocks in Greek, as in styrop, styropigus,

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and beautiful fat buttocks, styropigus.

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-And mesopygius is the crack between the buttocks.

-Eso what?

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It's your anal fissure, your anal fissure.

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-That's what I call sexy times.

-Did I say anal fisher? I'm an anal fisher.

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A fissure. A fissure, I mean.

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Yeah.

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Not an anal fisher?

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What else were we?

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No, no, no. An anal angler.

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Oh, dear.

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-So, if you've got like an itch, you could be a mesopygion.

-Yeah, that's right, yeah you could.

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-It's amazing.

-Oh, it's all running down my mesopygion.

-Yeah...

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Yup, there it is.

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-There's got to be a word for these things, hasn't there? It's good that it exists.

-Yeah.

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If you want to know what the rest mean, go to...

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It's a real site.

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There's one last thing I'd like to mention from the list, though.

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Mytacism, which we haven't commented on, it's an excessive use of the letter M.

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Ah-h-h.

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So, let's let the mytacism roll.

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Name a politician with raw animal magnetism.

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Oh...wow...

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-Ed Miliband.

-THEY LAUGH

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No, but seriously.

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THEY LAUGH

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It's actually a politician long dead.

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Animal magnetism, where did that phrase come from?

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It's not actually an obvious or natural phrase.

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It seems so to us, cos we use it all the time, but why animal magnetism?

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There's something charismatic about them physically,

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-the way they move or look or do things.

-Hmm.

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It's not what they say, it's their aroma.

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Is it the way...

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Yeah, free spirit.

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Yeah, is it the way like a gorilla can sometimes be sexy,

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but you're not allowed to say that?

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It's not banned in zoos to go, "I'd do that one, wouldn't you?"

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-Where are we, is it American politicians?

-No, we're back in the 19th century.

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-19th century.

-19th century, and...

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-It'll be either Gladstone or Disraeli.

-A German Austrian figure called Franz...

-Franz.

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..who achieved huge public recognition for what he claimed to do,

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which involved using the magnetic fluids of people

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to make them do things they didn't want to do.

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And he coined the phrase animal magnetism,

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meaning a very basic, primal, human, magnetic quality.

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And his name was Franz M... M...

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Magnet.

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Mugwump.

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M...

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It's a word that means it's absolutely hypnotic

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and amazing, I'm m...

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Mesmerising.

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Yes, and so his name was?

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-Bobby Mesmeriser.

-THEY LAUGH

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I've already given you Frank...Franz, haven't I?

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Franz Mesmer.

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Franz Mesmer was his name.

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-And he was the first great public figure to hypnotise.

-Oh-h-h.

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To use hypnosis.

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Even the name's quite mesmerising.

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It is, the name...

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-GERMAN ACCENT:

-"I am Bobby the Mesmeriser."

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-Yeah. Forget the Bobby.

-Frank, Franz.

-Yeah.

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-I like Bobby.

-You prefer Bobby, OK.

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-Yeah, cos you don't see it coming, do you?

-No, you don't.

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-"Oh, like, Bobby, yeah, he's harmless."

-Bobby Mesmer.

-where are the fluids, the bodily fluids?

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-The magnetic fluids?

-Yeah.

-It's nonsense, but that's what he claimed existed.

-Oh.

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He used what we would call basic hypnotic techniques,

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but he claimed that he was exploiting these magnetic fluids,

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which don't exist in the human body,

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in order to sort of pull out the things that he could make people do.

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-It's called Rohypnol now.

-Yes, I'm afraid it is!

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But plenty of people believed in what he did and said -

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Coleridge, Marie Antoinette, Edgar Allan Poe, Mozart, Dickens, Conan Doyle, a lot of them.

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Dickens liked to try and practise on a friend of his,

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Madame de la Rue, and he once, on a train, with his wife,

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was practising hypnotising on Madame de la Rue, and he wrote

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that he "heard the sound of his wife's muff falling to the ground."

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THEY LAUGH

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Why are we laughing?

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I think mine sometimes comes loose, but it's never hit the deck.

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THEY LAUGH

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Oh, dear. We might come back to muffs, I hope not, but we might.

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What happened is, he hypnotised his wife into a trance by accident.

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-And he heard a sound...

-He heard the sound of her muff hitting the ground,

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and he turned round and saw that she had been the one who'd been hypnotised, not Madame de la Rue.

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So, his wife was...she just came in with a cup of tea, and, bang, gone.

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Yes, exactly.

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But the politician whom Coleridge characterised as having animal magnetism,

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which was an insult, was Pitt the Younger.

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-He thought Pitt the Younger exhibited these traits of animal magnetism.

-Wow.

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In other words, that he somehow used some sort of force, or some

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sort of power over people, in order to persuade them to his cause.

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Yeah, and there were royal commissions to investigate it, especially in France,

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Louis XVI set one up.

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It was the first placebo-controlled trial in history.

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They ruled that it had no basis in fact,

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but nonetheless people continued to believe it. Yeah.

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Pitt the Younger possessed raw animal magnetism, at least according to Coleridge.

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Now, what's the most inappropriate thing beginning with M that the Pope has kissed?

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LOUD CRASH Yes, Sarah Millican?

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My breasts.

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Well, this has come as a shock to me, tell the story, where were you?

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That's it, he just, he sort of fell.

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He fell on your breasts?

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I was in, like, W H Smiths and...

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He'd come in to bless some Bibles or something

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and he just tripped on, cos the carpet was...and...and I had

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-a low-cut top and I don't wear one for QI, because it feels disrespectful.

-Yes.

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But I normally have them out and he just landed,

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-and cos his natural inclination is to kiss things, he just kissed them.

-Wow!

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What was his reaction?

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Did he like it?

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He was pleased.

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-Did he, did he go, "Mmmm"?

-No, he was too polite for that,

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but I could see a little glint in his eye.

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THEY LAUGH

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Anyway, a merkin, what's a merkin?

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-It's a pubic wig.

-A pubic wig.

-Yes.

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Could a Pope kiss a pubic wig? Is it likely?

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-If he was drunk enough.

-THEY LAUGH

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-On communion wine.

-Had he tripped in a different way.

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Well, we're going back to the 17th century.

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-And it was a rather...

-If it was a tall lady.

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I think you're going to like this man.

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There's an English...English highwayman called Captain Dick Dudley.

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Dicky Dudley.

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Dick Dudley. I think you're going to like Dick Dudley. He was hiding in Rome

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and while he was hiding from the law enforcement officers,

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he bought a dead prostitute's pubic wig,

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a merkin, from an anatomist.

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"He dried it well and combed it out," that's in inverted commas

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cos it's a quotation, "and sold it to the Pope."

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-There they are, there's a selection of them.

-Wow!

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I like the one on the bottom right.

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-That's excellent.

-Yes, nice curls.

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Yeah. That's had a perm, that one.

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-So, this was Ann Summers back in the day.

-Yeah.

-Kind of.

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My goodness.

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He sold it to the Pope, it could have been Clement X or

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Innocent XI, as a piece of St Peter's beard.

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THEY LAUGH

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And...

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THEY LAUGH

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Oh, well done, him!

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Popes like relics. He's a great man, I like Dick Dudley.

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Pope Gullible IV.

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Yeah! Exactly! THEY LAUGH

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-"A beard, you say? Hmm."

-THEY LAUGH

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"St Peter's!"

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Exactly, Alan, the Pope put it on his mouth, kissed it multiple times

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and appeared to be thrilled with his purchase.

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Dick was paid 100 ducats and he immediately skedaddled it

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out of Rome before anybody caught up with him, called his muff...bluff!

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LAUGHTER

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Wow.

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But they've existed in Britain as pubic wigs since the 14th century, at least.

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And were especially useful for women who'd lost their pubic hair due to...?

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-Disease.

-Waxing?

-Yes, syphilis. Through what?

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-Waxing.

-Waxing. No! HE LAUGHS

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That picture looks like the sun if it forgot to shave.

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Yes, it does rather, doesn't it?

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-Or Mick Hucknall.

-Hipster sun.

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You have to get up early to catch the sun unshaven.

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Anyway, when in Rome, don't kiss St Peter's beard, you don't

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know where it's been.

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What did Marie Antoinette keep in her muff?

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-Cake.

-BUZZER ALARM

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Oh!

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-We were there before you, Eddie, I'm sorry.

-Welcome.

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Yeah, welcome to our world, exactly.

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I told you we'd return to muffs and here we have with a vengeance. What did people keep in muffs?

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What did women keep in muffs?

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There was a particular thing, a fashionable accessory.

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Mirror.

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-A living, moving accessory.

-Ooh.

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A hamster?

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Maybe that just WAS the muff.

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Well, you know what Chinese people kept in their large sleeves?

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A crocodile.

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A wild guess and I wish it were correct, it's...

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-A duck.

-Not a duck.

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-That's what Pekingese dogs were bred for.

-A dog.

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-Yeah, so dogs.

-In their sleeves?

-Yeah.

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But the muffs, which were sometimes known as snuffkins,

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in England, were worn by both men and women, not just women.

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-King Louis XIV had muffs made of tiger, panther, otter and beaver skins.

-Wow.

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In his diary, Samuel Pepys reported that,

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"This day I did first wear a muff, being my wife's last year's muff."

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SARAH LAUGHS MANICALLY

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All right... The Marquis de Sade, who was imprisoned in the Bastille,

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of course, had letters smuggled in by his wife, which she kept in her muff.

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LAUGHTER

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Now, come on. If I say muff enough, it's...

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Can you just control yourselves?!

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YOU don't...you, how...

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Well, I haven't said anything about the vagina for four minutes!

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There's a marvellous woman called Celestine Galli-Marie,

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who was the first woman to play Carmen.

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-She always kept a marmoset in her muff.

-Of course she did.

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Yeah. So, there you are. There's a lot of...

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-Where else are you going to put it?

-Yeah, exactly, there's fun to be had from muffs.

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Muffs were once used to store dogs. Muff said.

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Now, for a question about meteorology.

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Why did the inventor of the weather forecast think that dinosaurs had died out?

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Maybe he loved dinosaurs, right? He loved them so much

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-he wished he could actually let them know before the weather changed and killed them off.

-Yeah.

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And he started going, "Do you know what? I'm going to resist this happening again,

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"I'm creating the weather forecast, just in case dinosaurs come back and they need it."

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Here's a man who had...

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..an extraordinary and brilliant idea,

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and he had an incredibly stupid idea.

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But the world believed his stupid idea,

0:15:240:15:27

but laughed derisively at his good idea.

0:15:270:15:31

His name was FitzRoy and he invented the weather forecast

0:15:320:15:34

and said he could forecast the weather, given, you know, enough knowledge of the variables.

0:15:340:15:38

And people laughed him to scorn.

0:15:380:15:40

But then he said, "I know why dinosaurs died out.

0:15:420:15:46

"Because they were too big to fit onto Noah's Ark."

0:15:460:15:50

And people said, "That's a brilliant point, you're right."

0:15:500:15:53

And that's true. He was genuinely respected for thinking that.

0:15:540:15:57

-And that is rubbish because that ark was huge, wasn't it?

-Yeah, that's right.

0:15:570:16:01

It's because Tyrannosaurus Rex's arms were so small,

0:16:010:16:03

they couldn't get the umbrella over their head.

0:16:030:16:06

And he...

0:16:060:16:08

I'm sure Noah would have factored that in, wouldn't he?

0:16:080:16:10

Noah would have had a whole...dinosaur section, it's absurd.

0:16:100:16:13

You seem to be buying into this whole Noah's Ark idea.

0:16:130:16:16

-Was there a weather forecast?

-The dinosaurs said, "No, no, we'll stay, I'm sure it'll be fine."

0:16:160:16:22

-They're just really positive.

-They were deluded.

-They were very sort of optimistic.

0:16:220:16:26

And when the flood came they thought, "Oh, shit, actually it's much worse than we thought."

0:16:260:16:29

I've just got the image now of a weather...cave weatherman doing the weather...

0:16:290:16:33

-I don't know why we had a cave weatherman.

-..on a cave, and then all the dinosaurs sort of gathering

0:16:330:16:37

round to see the pollen count.

0:16:370:16:39

FitzRoy, does the name mean anything to you, in terms of natural history?

0:16:410:16:44

A bastard.

0:16:440:16:45

He was perhaps best known for being the guy in charge of the Beagle.

0:16:450:16:49

-He was a friend of Darwin's.

-Oh.

0:16:490:16:51

But despite being a friend of Darwin's, he didn't believe anything Darwin said.

0:16:510:16:54

In fact, he was outraged by Darwin's Theory of Evolution, because Darwin didn't take into account...

0:16:540:16:59

"Oh, Charles, for God's sake, they just didn't have enough room on the Ark for them!"

0:16:590:17:03

Yeah, exactly. THEY LAUGH

0:17:030:17:04

Basically, that's what he tried...

0:17:060:17:08

"Oh, yadda, yadda, yadda, Charles!

0:17:080:17:10

"I'm telling you, it's going to rain in the morning."

0:17:110:17:13

"Oh, don't be ridiculous, FitzRoy!"

0:17:130:17:15

THEY LAUGH

0:17:150:17:16

"You can't possibly know that."

0:17:180:17:19

"I'm telling you, it is!"

0:17:190:17:21

-Well, it was 20 years...

-What a pair!

-They were a pair.

0:17:210:17:24

20 years after the Beagle, he started his weather forecasting

0:17:240:17:28

and actually it did catch on, despite the initial scepticism.

0:17:280:17:30

In fact, even Queen Victoria used to send word round asking what

0:17:300:17:34

sort of crossing she'd get to the Isle of Wight.

0:17:340:17:36

He lived in Norwood and he would send a message saying, "It'll be windy."

0:17:360:17:40

Lived in Norwood! That's funny to me.

0:17:400:17:41

-It is, I know. Only Victorians lived in Norwood.

-Norwood.

0:17:410:17:44

Maybe Norwood was quite nice then, but, Christ, it's a khazi.

0:17:440:17:47

His first ever weather forecast, it was in the Times,

0:17:480:17:51

and was four words.

0:17:510:17:52

"Moderate, westerly wind, fine."

0:17:520:17:55

I thought you were going say, "Bloody pissing down."

0:17:560:17:59

Exactly. Well, there you are.

0:18:010:18:02

The word meteorology comes from the Greek for things high up,

0:18:020:18:05

and in terms of high up,

0:18:050:18:07

they used to use frogs for telling the weather forecast.

0:18:070:18:10

They built them little ladders and put them in a jar.

0:18:100:18:13

-Of course they did.

-And they thought if they went up the ladder, it was going to be fine.

0:18:130:18:17

If they went down the ladder, it was going to be a bit wet.

0:18:170:18:20

Giving you the idea of it. OK.

0:18:200:18:22

Did frogs, did frogs even know what ladders were?

0:18:220:18:24

-I don't think they have to know what they are, do they?

-Did they just like...?

0:18:260:18:30

They just have to have the instinct to climb.

0:18:300:18:31

-So, it could have been anything, didn't have to be ladders.

-It didn't have to be.

0:18:310:18:35

"Where's the frog?" "He's halfway up." "But which way is he looking?" "He's looking down."

0:18:350:18:39

Just say, "Scattered showers, scattered showers."

0:18:390:18:42

-I think you're right.

-"Sunny spells. Sunny spells."

0:18:440:18:47

Just do a cloud with a bit of the sun, half the sun.

0:18:470:18:50

What if it was foggy?

0:18:510:18:53

"He's gone on an escalator, it's foggy."

0:18:530:18:55

-Maybe he was trying to get out the top.

-Yeah. That's what he's trying to do.

-He's trying to escape.

0:18:570:19:01

One day, the ladder's right up to the top and the frog's fucked off, and then what's going to happen?

0:19:010:19:06

Left a note, "I've no idea what the weather's going to be like. I'm out of here."

0:19:060:19:10

I'm out of this game.

0:19:110:19:14

APPLAUSE

0:19:140:19:15

There we have it.

0:19:150:19:17

That's right, the father of meteorology thought that the

0:19:170:19:20

dinosaurs were too big for Noah's Ark.

0:19:200:19:23

Now, I'm going to do something with my mouth.

0:19:230:19:25

What do you think?

0:19:250:19:26

HE INHALES SEVERAL TIMES

0:19:270:19:28

Yes or no?

0:19:280:19:30

Er, yes.

0:19:300:19:31

Yes is right.

0:19:310:19:33

-Oh, phew!

-That was yes.

0:19:330:19:35

THEY LAUGH

0:19:350:19:36

Well done.

0:19:370:19:38

In the Swedish town of Umea, that is yes, to go... HE INHALES REPEATEDLY

0:19:380:19:42

Which you can sort of do in English, going, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..."

0:19:420:19:46

-Oh, that's their way of saying yes?

-Yeah. Yeah, their way of saying yes.

0:19:460:19:49

And what's interesting is the idea that there may or may not be

0:19:490:19:52

a universal way of signalling yes or no.

0:19:520:19:55

Darwin was very interested in the idea,

0:19:550:19:56

and he looked all over the world to the different cultures to see

0:19:560:19:59

whether they nodded and shook for yes and no.

0:19:590:20:03

Mostly, it seems, that nodding for yes and shaking for no.

0:20:030:20:07

Shaking for Timotei.

0:20:070:20:09

Yeah, indeed, in the middle.

0:20:090:20:10

And nodding for dandruff.

0:20:100:20:12

But there's a reason, some people think,

0:20:120:20:14

why it may be that there's a "yes" and a "no".

0:20:140:20:16

The babies, if you offer them food and they don't want it,

0:20:160:20:19

-what do they do?

-Yeah, they...

0:20:190:20:21

They turn their head away, they do that.

0:20:210:20:23

It's a shaking of the head, if you like, a kind of...

0:20:230:20:25

-I never do that.

-And if they want... No!

0:20:250:20:28

If they want food...

0:20:280:20:31

LAUGHTER

0:20:310:20:32

Oh, dear!

0:20:320:20:34

..they incline their heads if they want food. They seem

0:20:350:20:38

to incline their heads, generally speaking, around the world.

0:20:380:20:41

Is it, do you know, well, you grew up in Democratic Republic of Congo,

0:20:410:20:44

is there a "yes" and "no" head-shaking thing?

0:20:440:20:46

You know, my friend was in Ethiopia, and she said

0:20:460:20:49

she was at a restaurant,

0:20:490:20:51

and the guy was asking, "What foods do you have?"

0:20:510:20:53

-And he just kept going...

-HE SQUEAKS

0:20:530:20:55

-"Do you have any...?"

-HE SQUEAKS

0:20:550:20:57

So she's like, "I think he's having a panic attack!"

0:20:570:20:59

He goes, "No, they've got everything on the list."

0:20:590:21:01

-Literally, that was yes, their way of saying yes was...

-HE SQUEAKS

0:21:010:21:04

But in Africa in general, including Congo,

0:21:040:21:07

we have sound effects that we use.

0:21:070:21:09

You know, your mum, when she's going, "Ah-ha!",

0:21:090:21:11

it means she's agreeing.

0:21:110:21:12

When she goes, "Ah-ah!" it means she doesn't want it.

0:21:120:21:15

So, Dad will be like, "Darling, did you, you know, put the kids to bed?"

0:21:150:21:19

And she's like, "Ah-ha."

0:21:190:21:20

"So can you put me to bed?" "Ah-ah!"

0:21:200:21:23

Very dramatic. And it literally is that, you see,

0:21:230:21:25

you'll see a lot of Africans, when they're talking, it's like,

0:21:250:21:28

"Ah-ah! Ah-ha!" "Ehh?" "Ohh!" "Ah-haaa!"

0:21:280:21:30

LAUGHTER

0:21:300:21:32

It looks like an argument,

0:21:320:21:33

but they're having the most pleasant conversation!

0:21:330:21:36

Indeed. Now, what could you learn from a meerkat?

0:21:370:21:40

Oh.

0:21:410:21:42

Oh! How to accessorise?

0:21:420:21:45

Well, clearly, very beautifully clothed.

0:21:450:21:47

-Not how to put mascara on.

-No, that's not impressive, is it?

0:21:470:21:52

Don't offer a cigarette to a drawing of a cat?

0:21:520:21:55

No!

0:21:550:21:57

What are meerkats a type of?

0:22:050:22:06

They're a type of meer, or possibly a type of kat!

0:22:060:22:09

LAUGHTER

0:22:090:22:10

-They're actually a sort of mongoose.

-Mongoose.

-Oh!

-A sort of mongoose.

0:22:100:22:13

-Do you know what they do?

-Is a mongoose a goose?

0:22:130:22:16

-The men fight...

-What's that one doing?

0:22:160:22:18

-What's he doing with his hands?!

-He's meering!

0:22:190:22:21

Impression of a mongoose!

0:22:210:22:23

The males fight so that one becomes dominant, and then he has his pick

0:22:230:22:26

of the females, and he thinks he's in charge, and he'll usually

0:22:260:22:29

drive out the second most dominant one, and then he'll live on his own.

0:22:290:22:32

But the women sneak out to see him.

0:22:320:22:35

Oh, that's very sweet.

0:22:350:22:37

And that's how they keep mixing up the genes, you know?

0:22:370:22:39

-Yes, getting a diverse pool.

-The women sneak out.

0:22:390:22:41

I saw, there was a whole programme about it. It's quite funny.

0:22:410:22:44

They had quite funny little footage of the women

0:22:440:22:46

kind of sneaking out of the camp.

0:22:460:22:48

But, like, climbing down, like, knotted sort of...

0:22:480:22:50

Yeah, basically, yeah!

0:22:500:22:51

And then she met up with Brian or whatever, and they did it,

0:22:510:22:54

they literally did it in a bush!

0:22:540:22:56

LAUGHTER

0:22:560:22:58

And then she went back to camp as if nothing had happened!

0:22:580:23:00

No woman would sneak out for a Brian!

0:23:000:23:02

No?!

0:23:020:23:04

-We're quite choosy.

-Animal magnetism.

0:23:040:23:06

Animal magnetism. That's the one.

0:23:060:23:09

The question asked was, "What do we learn from meerkats?"

0:23:090:23:13

-Well, if it's a driving instructor, it'll be driving.

-Yes...

0:23:130:23:19

Let's...let's suppose it isn't a driving instructor.

0:23:190:23:22

-Let's suppose they're in the wild, in Africa.

-Is it a danger thing?

0:23:220:23:26

We learnt they're one of the very few animals,

0:23:260:23:29

other than human beings, who teach their young.

0:23:290:23:32

-Oh, they have classes.

-Kind of do, yeah.

0:23:320:23:35

Ah! Little books and things.

0:23:350:23:37

They sacrifice time and effort, with no apparent gain to self, to teach.

0:23:370:23:42

That one's a supply teacher.

0:23:420:23:44

LAUGHTER

0:23:440:23:45

He's got that look!

0:23:470:23:48

They also gradually make their lessons harder for their pupil.

0:23:480:23:51

One of the things they have to teach them,

0:23:510:23:53

for example, is how to deal with a scorpion.

0:23:530:23:56

So they start by giving them a scorpion that's dead,

0:23:560:23:59

-then a live one with no sting.

-Oh, my God!

0:23:590:24:02

And then, finally, as you can see, there it is watching,

0:24:020:24:05

making sure that it's all going well,

0:24:050:24:07

if the scorpion escapes, it pushes it back in.

0:24:070:24:10

And then eventually they give one a scorpion with a sting,

0:24:100:24:13

so that they make sure their young pup...

0:24:130:24:14

The last, the last lesson is, "Don't get in that square with a scorpion!"

0:24:140:24:19

Yeah. But I think it's rather, it's rather impressive.

0:24:190:24:22

If you see a square with a scorpion in it, go round it.

0:24:220:24:25

It is pretty impressive, isn't it?

0:24:270:24:29

-It's amazing!

-And do any of their young die?

0:24:290:24:32

I think they're such good teachers,

0:24:320:24:33

-they know exactly what they're doing.

-Really?

-Yeah.

0:24:330:24:36

They don't give them a live one, even without a sting,

0:24:360:24:38

-until they're sure they can cope.

-So they're ready.

0:24:380:24:40

-And you would start on, like, a least favourite bairn, wouldn't you?

-Yes!

0:24:400:24:44

While you were learning how to teach.

0:24:440:24:45

"Hang on, he's boring, let's do him first. He's lazy."

0:24:450:24:49

And you'd keep your good bairn for the end.

0:24:490:24:52

Are you saying there's no bad students, only bad teachers?

0:24:520:24:54

I imagine that. "You are ready." G-doong!

0:24:540:24:57

"Oh, you weren't ready, shit!"

0:24:570:24:59

Brian!

0:25:010:25:03

"I said a scorpion with no tail! Oh, God!"

0:25:030:25:06

And so to the fearful mess that we call General Ignorance.

0:25:080:25:11

Fingers on buzzers, please. How can I tell the age of this tree?

0:25:110:25:16

-Chop it down.

-CRASH!

0:25:160:25:18

-Yeah, count the rings.

-KLAXON Oh!

0:25:180:25:21

-Oh! Is that not right?

-Well, not really, no.

0:25:210:25:24

It's a sort of rough guide, but it doesn't really tell you the age.

0:25:240:25:27

-Well, it's still a rough guide. Maybe that's all I'm after!

-LAUGHTER

0:25:270:25:30

It's not all...

0:25:300:25:31

Maybe I don't care about accuracy, Stephen! Maybe I've got shit to do!

0:25:310:25:35

Did the question say...?

0:25:350:25:36

I'm afraid the answer is extremely annoying.

0:25:390:25:41

There are some years when it doesn't put down rings

0:25:410:25:44

and other years when it puts down two, even three rings.

0:25:440:25:47

So it's very hard to tell precisely.

0:25:470:25:48

-Wow. As it's getting older, it starts lying.

-Yeah.

0:25:480:25:51

Not putting a ring down.

0:25:510:25:52

"Yeah, I'm doing it, I'm doing it.

0:25:520:25:55

"This ran out years ago, mate. 32 again!"

0:25:550:25:58

Dendrochronologists give a very annoying answer.

0:26:040:26:08

They say the most reliable way to tell the age of a tree

0:26:080:26:11

-is to find out when it was planted.

-Yeah(!)

0:26:110:26:13

-Oh, shut up!

-I know, it's not my answer, it's their answer.

0:26:130:26:16

-Passport!

-Yeah!

0:26:160:26:18

Now, what colour is the moon?

0:26:180:26:20

CRASH!

0:26:200:26:23

Black.

0:26:230:26:24

OK! Well...

0:26:290:26:31

The dark side of the moon.

0:26:310:26:33

-I'll accept black, because it's...

-The dark side of the moon.

0:26:330:26:35

Well, the sides are all the same colour.

0:26:350:26:37

-I know.

-It's a nice thought, the dark side of the moon.

0:26:370:26:39

-But actually, all the moon is very, very dark grey.

-Yes.

0:26:390:26:43

Basically, kind of charcoal. Almost black.

0:26:430:26:45

Not a light grey, not a silvery colour.

0:26:450:26:47

I mean, of course we get light...

0:26:470:26:48

No. It's weird, because you can't get grey cheese.

0:26:480:26:51

Right. I hadn't thought of that. Yeah.

0:26:550:26:59

It's quite bright, but not as bright as the Earth.

0:26:590:27:02

A full Earth seen from the moon is a lot brighter

0:27:020:27:04

than a full moon seen from the Earth.

0:27:040:27:07

That's because people leave their lights on.

0:27:070:27:09

That's probably the reason, yeah, yeah.

0:27:090:27:11

So the moon is very dark grey.

0:27:110:27:13

But what colour is the sun?

0:27:130:27:15

I've heard it's...green.

0:27:170:27:19

-Not bad.

-Tartan, green?

0:27:190:27:22

Oh, you were doing so well, Noel. Tartan!

0:27:240:27:28

Well, on the Farrow and Ball colour chart...

0:27:290:27:31

Yes?

0:27:310:27:32

..it's mushroom.

0:27:320:27:34

Well, it is actually a kind of turquoise, so green is not bad.

0:27:340:27:38

-It's bluey-green.

-Turquoise?

0:27:380:27:40

-It emits photons of all the colours.

-Like a blue flame.

0:27:400:27:42

But slightly more blue-green photons than any other,

0:27:420:27:45

so it is, yeah, a slightly blue/green tint.

0:27:450:27:47

Wow. That is not fair.

0:27:470:27:48

The moon and the sun are just playing with us.

0:27:480:27:50

Well, yes!

0:27:500:27:52

It would actually look white from space, more or less totally white.

0:27:520:27:55

-Right.

-As it does at noon,

0:27:550:27:56

if you were to look at it from the ground.

0:27:560:27:58

-Like a star.

-But don't, obviously.

0:27:580:27:59

Yeah, the sun is white with a hint of turquoise.

0:27:590:28:02

And all that's left now is the rather messy business of the scores.

0:28:020:28:06

In last place, with minus 15 is Sarah Millican, I'm afraid!

0:28:060:28:10

APPLAUSE

0:28:100:28:11

In third place, with a jolly minus 14, is Noel Fielding!

0:28:140:28:19

APPLAUSE

0:28:190:28:21

With a highly impressive minus 4, in second place, Eddie Kadi.

0:28:230:28:28

APPLAUSE

0:28:280:28:30

It can only mean one astonishing thing.

0:28:310:28:34

In first place, with minus 1, Alan Davies.

0:28:340:28:38

CHEERING

0:28:380:28:40

Well!

0:28:450:28:47

That's this mess cleaned up.

0:28:490:28:51

So we thank Eddie, Noel, Sarah, Alan and me.

0:28:510:28:54

In the words of that prolific writer, Anne Onymous,

0:28:540:28:57

"Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done." Goodnight.

0:28:570:29:01

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:29:010:29:03

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