Messy QI

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome

to QI, where tonight we'll be one massive, marvellous, molten mess.

And here's the mix...

the massive Noel Fielding...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..the marvellous Eddie Kadi...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..the molten Sarah Millican...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and who will clean up this mess? Alan Davies.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And let's hear your "messy" buzzers.

Noel goes...

GLASS SMASHES

Hmm. Eddie goes...

BUILDING COLLAPSES

Sarah goes...

CAR CRASHES

And Alan goes...

FOOTBALL CROWD CHEERS

LAUGHTER

Do you know what that was?

April 2010.

What's our theme?

Mess.

Lionel?

Lionel Messi.

Messi...scoring how many times against Arsenal?

Oh, four. Four times.

Yes.

I'm afraid so.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There you are.

Anyway, what's...the meaning of this mess of M words?

Just choose one as it passes by.

Oh, mumbudget is how much your mum's got in her purse.

So, is that literally the budget that your mum has?

Cos when I was growing up, I'd ask my mum for £10

and she'll always be like, "I don't have £10, here's £1."

Right?

If I asked her for £1, she'll give me 20 pence,

so I asked her for a million...

Just to get it up.

Just to, yes, just to get it up.

And she slapped me.

Mumbudget is like keeping mum, it's to be silent about something.

You put the word budget after, like, there's a word fussbudget,

for example, which is someone who's very fussy.

"Oh, don't be such a fussbudget" was a Regency sort of word.

Monarsenous.

Yeah, a single, er...crack.

Oh!

Mammock, the mixture of a mammoth and a hammock.

It's a bra, it's a bra.

A useful one to sleep in.

-It's where...

-A mammock?

-It's where I hang my mammaries.

-Oh, your mammary hammock, yes. A mammock.

-A maness is a woman.

-Yes.

-Is a mormal...?

-Is it?

-Yes...

-Is it?

-But what's surprising...

-Is it?!

-Yeah.

-You got one right!

-I got one right, yeah. I'm going!

-Is it actually?

-Yes.

You might think that it was a recent word for a woman, a maness,

but actually it's 16th century.

Tudor, 1500s, maness.

-A man and a maness.

-Yeah, a man...

Mazology, the study of mazes.

BUZZER ALARM Oh, no!

The study of mazes.

Oh, you must be so stupid to get one of those go off!

-It's actually the study of mammals.

-Oh!

-Mammals in zoology.

-That live in mazes.

Mazology, yeah.

Mogi, mogi...

Is a mutton-monger like a Welsh person? No!

I'll get into trouble for that.

It could be a man with extreme sexual appetites can be called a mutton-monger.

-Oh, really?

-So, a Welshman then.

I pulled it back, did you see? I pulled it back.

Is a mournival like a really good funeral?

-Woo!

-APPLAUSE

And what other words have we come across?

A mugwump is when you put your biscuit in your tea

and half of it falls to the bottom.

Oh, that would be so useful as a word.

What about munge, is that a man with a vagina?

No, it's...

Munge is actually a verb, and it's something mothers do,

but I don't know anybody else would do it, unless they were weird.

-I munge, you munge, we munge, they munge.

-We munge, that's how verbs work.

They munge!

You've conjugated the verb "to munge" very nicely.

I have.

-Mothers...

-I munge daily.

-Yeah.

-I am munge...

-I will have munged, would be future perfect.

-Yes.

I could have munged.

-Could have munged, I might have munged, I may well have munged.

-Yes.

I cannot remember if I munged or not.

-Munge is to wipe someone else's nose.

-Wow.

-I did not munge.

-You didn't munge.

I munge about every 15 minutes at home.

Mesopygion...mesopygion is interesting,

because you almost mentioned that.

-A mesopygion.

-Mesopygion.

Mesopygion.

It sounds like you're doing yourself down, oh me-so-pygion

Oh, mesopygion. Er...

Pyg, P-Y-G is buttocks in Greek, as in styrop, styropigus,

and beautiful fat buttocks, styropigus.

-And mesopygius is the crack between the buttocks.

-Eso what?

It's your anal fissure, your anal fissure.

-That's what I call sexy times.

-Did I say anal fisher? I'm an anal fisher.

A fissure. A fissure, I mean.

Yeah.

Not an anal fisher?

What else were we?

No, no, no. An anal angler.

Oh, dear.

-So, if you've got like an itch, you could be a mesopygion.

-Yeah, that's right, yeah you could.

-It's amazing.

-Oh, it's all running down my mesopygion.

-Yeah...

Yup, there it is.

-There's got to be a word for these things, hasn't there? It's good that it exists.

-Yeah.

If you want to know what the rest mean, go to...

It's a real site.

There's one last thing I'd like to mention from the list, though.

Mytacism, which we haven't commented on, it's an excessive use of the letter M.

Ah-h-h.

So, let's let the mytacism roll.

Name a politician with raw animal magnetism.

Oh...wow...

-Ed Miliband.

-THEY LAUGH

No, but seriously.

THEY LAUGH

It's actually a politician long dead.

Animal magnetism, where did that phrase come from?

It's not actually an obvious or natural phrase.

It seems so to us, cos we use it all the time, but why animal magnetism?

There's something charismatic about them physically,

-the way they move or look or do things.

-Hmm.

It's not what they say, it's their aroma.

Is it the way...

Yeah, free spirit.

Yeah, is it the way like a gorilla can sometimes be sexy,

but you're not allowed to say that?

It's not banned in zoos to go, "I'd do that one, wouldn't you?"

-Where are we, is it American politicians?

-No, we're back in the 19th century.

-19th century.

-19th century, and...

-It'll be either Gladstone or Disraeli.

-A German Austrian figure called Franz...

-Franz.

..who achieved huge public recognition for what he claimed to do,

which involved using the magnetic fluids of people

to make them do things they didn't want to do.

And he coined the phrase animal magnetism,

meaning a very basic, primal, human, magnetic quality.

And his name was Franz M... M...

Magnet.

Mugwump.

M...

It's a word that means it's absolutely hypnotic

and amazing, I'm m...

Mesmerising.

Yes, and so his name was?

-Bobby Mesmeriser.

-THEY LAUGH

I've already given you Frank...Franz, haven't I?

Franz Mesmer.

Franz Mesmer was his name.

-And he was the first great public figure to hypnotise.

-Oh-h-h.

To use hypnosis.

Even the name's quite mesmerising.

It is, the name...

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-"I am Bobby the Mesmeriser."

-Yeah. Forget the Bobby.

-Frank, Franz.

-Yeah.

-I like Bobby.

-You prefer Bobby, OK.

-Yeah, cos you don't see it coming, do you?

-No, you don't.

-"Oh, like, Bobby, yeah, he's harmless."

-Bobby Mesmer.

-where are the fluids, the bodily fluids?

-The magnetic fluids?

-Yeah.

-It's nonsense, but that's what he claimed existed.

-Oh.

He used what we would call basic hypnotic techniques,

but he claimed that he was exploiting these magnetic fluids,

which don't exist in the human body,

in order to sort of pull out the things that he could make people do.

-It's called Rohypnol now.

-Yes, I'm afraid it is!

But plenty of people believed in what he did and said -

Coleridge, Marie Antoinette, Edgar Allan Poe, Mozart, Dickens, Conan Doyle, a lot of them.

Dickens liked to try and practise on a friend of his,

Madame de la Rue, and he once, on a train, with his wife,

was practising hypnotising on Madame de la Rue, and he wrote

that he "heard the sound of his wife's muff falling to the ground."

THEY LAUGH

Why are we laughing?

I think mine sometimes comes loose, but it's never hit the deck.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, dear. We might come back to muffs, I hope not, but we might.

What happened is, he hypnotised his wife into a trance by accident.

-And he heard a sound...

-He heard the sound of her muff hitting the ground,

and he turned round and saw that she had been the one who'd been hypnotised, not Madame de la Rue.

So, his wife was...she just came in with a cup of tea, and, bang, gone.

Yes, exactly.

But the politician whom Coleridge characterised as having animal magnetism,

which was an insult, was Pitt the Younger.

-He thought Pitt the Younger exhibited these traits of animal magnetism.

-Wow.

In other words, that he somehow used some sort of force, or some

sort of power over people, in order to persuade them to his cause.

Yeah, and there were royal commissions to investigate it, especially in France,

Louis XVI set one up.

It was the first placebo-controlled trial in history.

They ruled that it had no basis in fact,

but nonetheless people continued to believe it. Yeah.

Pitt the Younger possessed raw animal magnetism, at least according to Coleridge.

Now, what's the most inappropriate thing beginning with M that the Pope has kissed?

LOUD CRASH Yes, Sarah Millican?

My breasts.

Well, this has come as a shock to me, tell the story, where were you?

That's it, he just, he sort of fell.

He fell on your breasts?

I was in, like, W H Smiths and...

He'd come in to bless some Bibles or something

and he just tripped on, cos the carpet was...and...and I had

-a low-cut top and I don't wear one for QI, because it feels disrespectful.

-Yes.

But I normally have them out and he just landed,

-and cos his natural inclination is to kiss things, he just kissed them.

-Wow!

What was his reaction?

Did he like it?

He was pleased.

-Did he, did he go, "Mmmm"?

-No, he was too polite for that,

but I could see a little glint in his eye.

THEY LAUGH

Anyway, a merkin, what's a merkin?

-It's a pubic wig.

-A pubic wig.

-Yes.

Could a Pope kiss a pubic wig? Is it likely?

-If he was drunk enough.

-THEY LAUGH

-On communion wine.

-Had he tripped in a different way.

Well, we're going back to the 17th century.

-And it was a rather...

-If it was a tall lady.

I think you're going to like this man.

There's an English...English highwayman called Captain Dick Dudley.

Dicky Dudley.

Dick Dudley. I think you're going to like Dick Dudley. He was hiding in Rome

and while he was hiding from the law enforcement officers,

he bought a dead prostitute's pubic wig,

a merkin, from an anatomist.

"He dried it well and combed it out," that's in inverted commas

cos it's a quotation, "and sold it to the Pope."

-There they are, there's a selection of them.

-Wow!

I like the one on the bottom right.

-That's excellent.

-Yes, nice curls.

Yeah. That's had a perm, that one.

-So, this was Ann Summers back in the day.

-Yeah.

-Kind of.

My goodness.

He sold it to the Pope, it could have been Clement X or

Innocent XI, as a piece of St Peter's beard.

THEY LAUGH

And...

THEY LAUGH

Oh, well done, him!

Popes like relics. He's a great man, I like Dick Dudley.

Pope Gullible IV.

Yeah! Exactly! THEY LAUGH

-"A beard, you say? Hmm."

-THEY LAUGH

"St Peter's!"

Exactly, Alan, the Pope put it on his mouth, kissed it multiple times

and appeared to be thrilled with his purchase.

Dick was paid 100 ducats and he immediately skedaddled it

out of Rome before anybody caught up with him, called his muff...bluff!

LAUGHTER

Wow.

But they've existed in Britain as pubic wigs since the 14th century, at least.

And were especially useful for women who'd lost their pubic hair due to...?

-Disease.

-Waxing?

-Yes, syphilis. Through what?

-Waxing.

-Waxing. No! HE LAUGHS

That picture looks like the sun if it forgot to shave.

Yes, it does rather, doesn't it?

-Or Mick Hucknall.

-Hipster sun.

You have to get up early to catch the sun unshaven.

Anyway, when in Rome, don't kiss St Peter's beard, you don't

know where it's been.

What did Marie Antoinette keep in her muff?

-Cake.

-BUZZER ALARM

Oh!

-We were there before you, Eddie, I'm sorry.

-Welcome.

Yeah, welcome to our world, exactly.

I told you we'd return to muffs and here we have with a vengeance. What did people keep in muffs?

What did women keep in muffs?

There was a particular thing, a fashionable accessory.

Mirror.

-A living, moving accessory.

-Ooh.

A hamster?

Maybe that just WAS the muff.

Well, you know what Chinese people kept in their large sleeves?

A crocodile.

A wild guess and I wish it were correct, it's...

-A duck.

-Not a duck.

-That's what Pekingese dogs were bred for.

-A dog.

-Yeah, so dogs.

-In their sleeves?

-Yeah.

But the muffs, which were sometimes known as snuffkins,

in England, were worn by both men and women, not just women.

-King Louis XIV had muffs made of tiger, panther, otter and beaver skins.

-Wow.

In his diary, Samuel Pepys reported that,

"This day I did first wear a muff, being my wife's last year's muff."

SARAH LAUGHS MANICALLY

All right... The Marquis de Sade, who was imprisoned in the Bastille,

of course, had letters smuggled in by his wife, which she kept in her muff.

LAUGHTER

Now, come on. If I say muff enough, it's...

Can you just control yourselves?!

YOU don't...you, how...

Well, I haven't said anything about the vagina for four minutes!

There's a marvellous woman called Celestine Galli-Marie,

who was the first woman to play Carmen.

-She always kept a marmoset in her muff.

-Of course she did.

Yeah. So, there you are. There's a lot of...

-Where else are you going to put it?

-Yeah, exactly, there's fun to be had from muffs.

Muffs were once used to store dogs. Muff said.

Now, for a question about meteorology.

Why did the inventor of the weather forecast think that dinosaurs had died out?

Maybe he loved dinosaurs, right? He loved them so much

-he wished he could actually let them know before the weather changed and killed them off.

-Yeah.

And he started going, "Do you know what? I'm going to resist this happening again,

"I'm creating the weather forecast, just in case dinosaurs come back and they need it."

Here's a man who had...

..an extraordinary and brilliant idea,

and he had an incredibly stupid idea.

But the world believed his stupid idea,

but laughed derisively at his good idea.

His name was FitzRoy and he invented the weather forecast

and said he could forecast the weather, given, you know, enough knowledge of the variables.

And people laughed him to scorn.

But then he said, "I know why dinosaurs died out.

"Because they were too big to fit onto Noah's Ark."

And people said, "That's a brilliant point, you're right."

And that's true. He was genuinely respected for thinking that.

-And that is rubbish because that ark was huge, wasn't it?

-Yeah, that's right.

It's because Tyrannosaurus Rex's arms were so small,

they couldn't get the umbrella over their head.

And he...

I'm sure Noah would have factored that in, wouldn't he?

Noah would have had a whole...dinosaur section, it's absurd.

You seem to be buying into this whole Noah's Ark idea.

-Was there a weather forecast?

-The dinosaurs said, "No, no, we'll stay, I'm sure it'll be fine."

-They're just really positive.

-They were deluded.

-They were very sort of optimistic.

And when the flood came they thought, "Oh, shit, actually it's much worse than we thought."

I've just got the image now of a weather...cave weatherman doing the weather...

-I don't know why we had a cave weatherman.

-..on a cave, and then all the dinosaurs sort of gathering

round to see the pollen count.

FitzRoy, does the name mean anything to you, in terms of natural history?

A bastard.

He was perhaps best known for being the guy in charge of the Beagle.

-He was a friend of Darwin's.

-Oh.

But despite being a friend of Darwin's, he didn't believe anything Darwin said.

In fact, he was outraged by Darwin's Theory of Evolution, because Darwin didn't take into account...

"Oh, Charles, for God's sake, they just didn't have enough room on the Ark for them!"

Yeah, exactly. THEY LAUGH

Basically, that's what he tried...

"Oh, yadda, yadda, yadda, Charles!

"I'm telling you, it's going to rain in the morning."

"Oh, don't be ridiculous, FitzRoy!"

THEY LAUGH

"You can't possibly know that."

"I'm telling you, it is!"

-Well, it was 20 years...

-What a pair!

-They were a pair.

20 years after the Beagle, he started his weather forecasting

and actually it did catch on, despite the initial scepticism.

In fact, even Queen Victoria used to send word round asking what

sort of crossing she'd get to the Isle of Wight.

He lived in Norwood and he would send a message saying, "It'll be windy."

Lived in Norwood! That's funny to me.

-It is, I know. Only Victorians lived in Norwood.

-Norwood.

Maybe Norwood was quite nice then, but, Christ, it's a khazi.

His first ever weather forecast, it was in the Times,

and was four words.

"Moderate, westerly wind, fine."

I thought you were going say, "Bloody pissing down."

Exactly. Well, there you are.

The word meteorology comes from the Greek for things high up,

and in terms of high up,

they used to use frogs for telling the weather forecast.

They built them little ladders and put them in a jar.

-Of course they did.

-And they thought if they went up the ladder, it was going to be fine.

If they went down the ladder, it was going to be a bit wet.

Giving you the idea of it. OK.

Did frogs, did frogs even know what ladders were?

-I don't think they have to know what they are, do they?

-Did they just like...?

They just have to have the instinct to climb.

-So, it could have been anything, didn't have to be ladders.

-It didn't have to be.

"Where's the frog?" "He's halfway up." "But which way is he looking?" "He's looking down."

Just say, "Scattered showers, scattered showers."

-I think you're right.

-"Sunny spells. Sunny spells."

Just do a cloud with a bit of the sun, half the sun.

What if it was foggy?

"He's gone on an escalator, it's foggy."

-Maybe he was trying to get out the top.

-Yeah. That's what he's trying to do.

-He's trying to escape.

One day, the ladder's right up to the top and the frog's fucked off, and then what's going to happen?

Left a note, "I've no idea what the weather's going to be like. I'm out of here."

I'm out of this game.

APPLAUSE

There we have it.

That's right, the father of meteorology thought that the

dinosaurs were too big for Noah's Ark.

Now, I'm going to do something with my mouth.

What do you think?

HE INHALES SEVERAL TIMES

Yes or no?

Er, yes.

Yes is right.

-Oh, phew!

-That was yes.

THEY LAUGH

Well done.

In the Swedish town of Umea, that is yes, to go... HE INHALES REPEATEDLY

Which you can sort of do in English, going, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..."

-Oh, that's their way of saying yes?

-Yeah. Yeah, their way of saying yes.

And what's interesting is the idea that there may or may not be

a universal way of signalling yes or no.

Darwin was very interested in the idea,

and he looked all over the world to the different cultures to see

whether they nodded and shook for yes and no.

Mostly, it seems, that nodding for yes and shaking for no.

Shaking for Timotei.

Yeah, indeed, in the middle.

And nodding for dandruff.

But there's a reason, some people think,

why it may be that there's a "yes" and a "no".

The babies, if you offer them food and they don't want it,

-what do they do?

-Yeah, they...

They turn their head away, they do that.

It's a shaking of the head, if you like, a kind of...

-I never do that.

-And if they want... No!

If they want food...

LAUGHTER

Oh, dear!

..they incline their heads if they want food. They seem

to incline their heads, generally speaking, around the world.

Is it, do you know, well, you grew up in Democratic Republic of Congo,

is there a "yes" and "no" head-shaking thing?

You know, my friend was in Ethiopia, and she said

she was at a restaurant,

and the guy was asking, "What foods do you have?"

-And he just kept going...

-HE SQUEAKS

-"Do you have any...?"

-HE SQUEAKS

So she's like, "I think he's having a panic attack!"

He goes, "No, they've got everything on the list."

-Literally, that was yes, their way of saying yes was...

-HE SQUEAKS

But in Africa in general, including Congo,

we have sound effects that we use.

You know, your mum, when she's going, "Ah-ha!",

it means she's agreeing.

When she goes, "Ah-ah!" it means she doesn't want it.

So, Dad will be like, "Darling, did you, you know, put the kids to bed?"

And she's like, "Ah-ha."

"So can you put me to bed?" "Ah-ah!"

Very dramatic. And it literally is that, you see,

you'll see a lot of Africans, when they're talking, it's like,

"Ah-ah! Ah-ha!" "Ehh?" "Ohh!" "Ah-haaa!"

LAUGHTER

It looks like an argument,

but they're having the most pleasant conversation!

Indeed. Now, what could you learn from a meerkat?

Oh.

Oh! How to accessorise?

Well, clearly, very beautifully clothed.

-Not how to put mascara on.

-No, that's not impressive, is it?

Don't offer a cigarette to a drawing of a cat?

No!

What are meerkats a type of?

They're a type of meer, or possibly a type of kat!

LAUGHTER

-They're actually a sort of mongoose.

-Mongoose.

-Oh!

-A sort of mongoose.

-Do you know what they do?

-Is a mongoose a goose?

-The men fight...

-What's that one doing?

-What's he doing with his hands?!

-He's meering!

Impression of a mongoose!

The males fight so that one becomes dominant, and then he has his pick

of the females, and he thinks he's in charge, and he'll usually

drive out the second most dominant one, and then he'll live on his own.

But the women sneak out to see him.

Oh, that's very sweet.

And that's how they keep mixing up the genes, you know?

-Yes, getting a diverse pool.

-The women sneak out.

I saw, there was a whole programme about it. It's quite funny.

They had quite funny little footage of the women

kind of sneaking out of the camp.

But, like, climbing down, like, knotted sort of...

Yeah, basically, yeah!

And then she met up with Brian or whatever, and they did it,

they literally did it in a bush!

LAUGHTER

And then she went back to camp as if nothing had happened!

No woman would sneak out for a Brian!

No?!

-We're quite choosy.

-Animal magnetism.

Animal magnetism. That's the one.

The question asked was, "What do we learn from meerkats?"

-Well, if it's a driving instructor, it'll be driving.

-Yes...

Let's...let's suppose it isn't a driving instructor.

-Let's suppose they're in the wild, in Africa.

-Is it a danger thing?

We learnt they're one of the very few animals,

other than human beings, who teach their young.

-Oh, they have classes.

-Kind of do, yeah.

Ah! Little books and things.

They sacrifice time and effort, with no apparent gain to self, to teach.

That one's a supply teacher.

LAUGHTER

He's got that look!

They also gradually make their lessons harder for their pupil.

One of the things they have to teach them,

for example, is how to deal with a scorpion.

So they start by giving them a scorpion that's dead,

-then a live one with no sting.

-Oh, my God!

And then, finally, as you can see, there it is watching,

making sure that it's all going well,

if the scorpion escapes, it pushes it back in.

And then eventually they give one a scorpion with a sting,

so that they make sure their young pup...

The last, the last lesson is, "Don't get in that square with a scorpion!"

Yeah. But I think it's rather, it's rather impressive.

If you see a square with a scorpion in it, go round it.

It is pretty impressive, isn't it?

-It's amazing!

-And do any of their young die?

I think they're such good teachers,

-they know exactly what they're doing.

-Really?

-Yeah.

They don't give them a live one, even without a sting,

-until they're sure they can cope.

-So they're ready.

-And you would start on, like, a least favourite bairn, wouldn't you?

-Yes!

While you were learning how to teach.

"Hang on, he's boring, let's do him first. He's lazy."

And you'd keep your good bairn for the end.

Are you saying there's no bad students, only bad teachers?

I imagine that. "You are ready." G-doong!

"Oh, you weren't ready, shit!"

Brian!

"I said a scorpion with no tail! Oh, God!"

And so to the fearful mess that we call General Ignorance.

Fingers on buzzers, please. How can I tell the age of this tree?

-Chop it down.

-CRASH!

-Yeah, count the rings.

-KLAXON Oh!

-Oh! Is that not right?

-Well, not really, no.

It's a sort of rough guide, but it doesn't really tell you the age.

-Well, it's still a rough guide. Maybe that's all I'm after!

-LAUGHTER

It's not all...

Maybe I don't care about accuracy, Stephen! Maybe I've got shit to do!

Did the question say...?

I'm afraid the answer is extremely annoying.

There are some years when it doesn't put down rings

and other years when it puts down two, even three rings.

So it's very hard to tell precisely.

-Wow. As it's getting older, it starts lying.

-Yeah.

Not putting a ring down.

"Yeah, I'm doing it, I'm doing it.

"This ran out years ago, mate. 32 again!"

Dendrochronologists give a very annoying answer.

They say the most reliable way to tell the age of a tree

-is to find out when it was planted.

-Yeah(!)

-Oh, shut up!

-I know, it's not my answer, it's their answer.

-Passport!

-Yeah!

Now, what colour is the moon?

CRASH!

Black.

OK! Well...

The dark side of the moon.

-I'll accept black, because it's...

-The dark side of the moon.

Well, the sides are all the same colour.

-I know.

-It's a nice thought, the dark side of the moon.

-But actually, all the moon is very, very dark grey.

-Yes.

Basically, kind of charcoal. Almost black.

Not a light grey, not a silvery colour.

I mean, of course we get light...

No. It's weird, because you can't get grey cheese.

Right. I hadn't thought of that. Yeah.

It's quite bright, but not as bright as the Earth.

A full Earth seen from the moon is a lot brighter

than a full moon seen from the Earth.

That's because people leave their lights on.

That's probably the reason, yeah, yeah.

So the moon is very dark grey.

But what colour is the sun?

I've heard it's...green.

-Not bad.

-Tartan, green?

Oh, you were doing so well, Noel. Tartan!

Well, on the Farrow and Ball colour chart...

Yes?

..it's mushroom.

Well, it is actually a kind of turquoise, so green is not bad.

-It's bluey-green.

-Turquoise?

-It emits photons of all the colours.

-Like a blue flame.

But slightly more blue-green photons than any other,

so it is, yeah, a slightly blue/green tint.

Wow. That is not fair.

The moon and the sun are just playing with us.

Well, yes!

It would actually look white from space, more or less totally white.

-Right.

-As it does at noon,

if you were to look at it from the ground.

-Like a star.

-But don't, obviously.

Yeah, the sun is white with a hint of turquoise.

And all that's left now is the rather messy business of the scores.

In last place, with minus 15 is Sarah Millican, I'm afraid!

APPLAUSE

In third place, with a jolly minus 14, is Noel Fielding!

APPLAUSE

With a highly impressive minus 4, in second place, Eddie Kadi.

APPLAUSE

It can only mean one astonishing thing.

In first place, with minus 1, Alan Davies.

CHEERING

Well!

That's this mess cleaned up.

So we thank Eddie, Noel, Sarah, Alan and me.

In the words of that prolific writer, Anne Onymous,

"Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done." Goodnight.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING