Nonsense QI


Nonsense

Sandi Toksvig looks at nonsense with Holly Walsh, Nish Kumar, Phill Jupitus and Alan Davies.


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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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Welcome to QI, where tonight's show is frankly a lot of nonsense.

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Not helped by stultiloquent poppycock from Holly Walsh.

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APPLAUSE

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Nagmentory codswallop from Nish Kumar.

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APPLAUSE

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Fribbling gibberish from Philll Jupitus.

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APPLAUSE

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And the Alan Davies from Essex.

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APPLAUSE

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And their buzzers sound like nonsense too. Holly goes...

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'The trouble with kittens is that...'

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Nish goes...

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'While they're sat on the mat, they get fat...'

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And Phill goes...

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'They grow and they grow, and the next thing you know...'

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And Alan goes...

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'Your kitten's a boring old cat.'

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LAUGHTER

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Love that.

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So, your first task tonight is to say something

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completely nonsensical, that sounds profound.

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That's what I would like.

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LAUGHTER

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Nish, have you got any thoughts?

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I always find that when people say, "I make my own luck,"

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-I think that is the biggest load of nonsense.

-Yeah.

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-Because, if you make it, that's not luck.

-Yeah.

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-That's not how luck works.

-No.

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Phill, have you got a profound sentiment for me?

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It's the centenary this year of the establishment of the Dada art group,

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set up at Cabaret Voltaire in Zurich.

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Richard Huelsenbeck was a Dada artist

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and he wrote a long poem called Fantastic Prayers.

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And a couple of sections from it are...

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"Birribum, birribum

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"The ox runs down the circulum

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"Voila, here are the engineers with their assignment

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"Light minds to throw in a still-crude state.

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"Some showers."

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-Is it part poem, part weather report?

-Basically.

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Whenever you say anything nonsense like that, I always think...

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-LOWERS INTONATION

-..falling slightly at the end of it.

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It just becomes shipping forecast to me.

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What about you, Alan?

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Well, I like things that sound like proverbs.

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And the important thing about them is that they are always reversible.

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So I've come up with a couple.

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You can change your mind, but you can't change your brain.

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-Oh...

-That's so crazy.

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The alternative is, you can't change your brain,

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but you can change your mind.

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Wow, that's the sort of thing a teacher would say to you

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-and nod as if it meant something.

-It means bugger all.

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Another one is, you can't jump without landing.

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Equally, you can't land without jumping.

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I just need time to think about that.

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This is the sort of thing we should definitely be smoking weed

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and listening to.

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Like, you would be a weed guru with this stuff.

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There's a geezer with a sticker factory in Kettering now

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who is writing all these down.

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"This is gold!"

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Have you got any profound thoughts for me?

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Well, I just like, when you're standing on a train platform

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and they go, "Any unattended items will be destroyed without warning."

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And I'm always like...

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-that IS a warning.

-Yeah.

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-It makes no sense to me.

-Does that include a child?

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Is a child an item?

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I bet you'd sell a lot of children's t-shirts if it just said,

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"I am not an unattended item."

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"Do not destroy."

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There's a fantastic website called the New Age Bullshit Generator.

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What it does, it takes buzzwords from New Age tweets

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and it combines them to create syntactically correct,

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profound-sounding nonsense, such as,

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"Hidden meaning transforms unparalleled abstract beauty."

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That's a Coldplay B-side, isn't it?

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"The infinite is calling to us via superpositions of possibilities."

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These all just sound like Morrissey lyrics.

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# The infinite is calling to us. #

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I really like them.

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"Perceptual reality transcends subtle truth."

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I think we've all felt like that at some point.

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"Consciousness is the growth of coherence, and of us."

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So, here's the thing - Canadian researchers asked subjects

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to rate the various sentences I have been reading out

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on a scale of one to five, OK?

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The statements received an average score of 2.6 - "somewhat profound."

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And the researchers concluded,

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"These results indicate that our participants largely failed

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"to detect the statements are bullshit."

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Many people can't tell profound truth from complete nonsense,

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but then again, as a wise man once said,

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no leg's too short to reach the ground.

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Talking of legs of different lengths, why's netball nonsense?

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-It's just the worst sport ever.

-Oh, my goodness, yes.

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I think you and I could do an hour on this.

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It should be banned, because it's not fair, it's a load of crap,

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it favours tall people, who already do better at school discos,

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getting off with boys anyway, and the whole thing is not fair.

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-It's just not fair!

-Wow, Holly, we've really opened some old wounds.

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Oh, yes.

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They have a thing in netball called a chest pass, right?

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And I used to get them in the face.

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LAUGHTER

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Did you used to have one of those bibs with SG on it?

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For "short girl"?

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But they put you against somebody, some girl, six foot tall,

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who's going to mark you, and she just stands there for the

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-whole time like this.

-Just doing that.

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This is what she does, she does this. For, like, 40 minutes.

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That. And that's it, that's all you can do. It's so galling.

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One of the great puzzles of netball,

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apart from why anybody would want to play it,

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is that it has tremendous restriction on movement.

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So, why would you want to restrict players

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to certain areas of the court?

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Isn't it just to avoid contact?

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No, cos it's a very small court.

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No, it's due to a misunderstanding.

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So, what happened, the men's game, basketball,

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invented by a man called James Naismith in 1891,

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and there was a PE teacher called Clara Bear of New Orleans,

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and she asked if he would send a copy of the rules.

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So, he sent the rules and it contained a drawing of the court

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with lines pencilled across it showing the area the various players

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could best patrol, and she misinterpreted this to mean

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that players couldn't leave those areas.

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She then wrote that into her version.

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Then it got worse. In 1983, a gym teacher in Massachusetts

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called Senda Berenson modified it further,

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because she thought it was unseemly for young women.

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So, she banned tackling and she instituted

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the three-second time limit for holding the ball

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and basically didn't think people should run backwards and forwards

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because the girls' hearts would become what she called

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hypertrophic if they ran too far.

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Rounders was always the best of all sports.

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Yeah, I liked rounders.

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I was dreadful at all sports.

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I was the first kid in my school to be put into remedial rugby.

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They gave me a round ball, because they were like,

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"This kid's going to have his eye out on the points."

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At school we had three divisions for swimming.

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We had A, B and C, and I was in F.

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That's "floating".

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LAUGHTER

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-Do you like kabaddi?

-Do I like kabaddi?

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I don't like it, I LOVE kabaddi.

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Kabaddi is an Indian sport. If you don't know what it is,

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it's like somebody looked at the game of rugby and thought,

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you know what the problem with this is? The ball.

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We just get rid of that. And it's also the only game where the

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players stand there and just go,

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"Kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi."

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Is that it? Is that the whole thing?

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What you have to do, one man will be sent out by one team

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and he's got to try to touch the end zone. And the other team,

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they're usually linking up and they've got to try to touch him,

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but if he touches them, that's basically it.

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-It's tag?

-Is it British bulldog?

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It's sort of like British bulldog and tag.

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It's very much kabaddi, OK.

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I won't have this imperialist conquest of our sports.

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It's the only sport where, during the sport,

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you just say the name of the sport.

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It would be like a footballer kicking the ball

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and just going, "Football".

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That's fantastic.

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Now, from nonsense to neuroscience.

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What's the worst noise in the world?

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'Do you know...?'

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-Yes?

-I believe I've mentioned it before tonight.

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That would be Coldplay B-sides.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Not everyone applauding. Quite a lot of people going,

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"I LIKE Coldplay B-sides."

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So, we have some props. You can make some noises.

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-Oh, hello.

-Let's have a look.

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So, let's start with Nish and Alan.

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BEEP

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That's very irritating, isn't it?

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-Oh, god.

-All right, stop it.

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LOUD HORN

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Do you remember what that is, Nish?

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-This is a vuvuzela.

-It is a vuvuzela, yes.

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Which ruined the 2010 World Cup.

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It's a hideous noise, isn't it?

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Luckily I have grade seven in vuvuzela, so we're fine.

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HONK

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SHRILL SCRATCHING Oh, Alan, Alan.

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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Fingers on a chalkboard!

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That is awful.

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A RECORDER IS PLAYED TUNELESSLY

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We've got a band going, don't stop!

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SCRATCHY VIOLIN

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I've got a mirror and this cube of white stuff...

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LAUGHTER

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Is the most annoying sound in the world me on drugs?

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I think...this is polystyrene.

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-Yes.

-And...

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SQUEAKING Oh!

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The Journal of Neuroscience did the top-10 most annoying sounds.

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Apparently the most annoying is a knife on a bottle,

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but we haven't been able to work out why that is.

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This one we can do. This is number two.

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-A fork...

-Oh, God.

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LAUGHTER

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I got the power.

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-FORK SCRAPING ON PLATE

-Ugh, stop, stop, stop.

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Aargh!

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That's very unpleasant, isn't it?

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This is the old... Yes, yes.

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SMOKE ALARM

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What is worse than this, is when it just goes...

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Doot!

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Oh, yes.

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And four minutes later goes...

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Doot!

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And you can't work out which one it is. It's somewhere in the house.

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Doot!

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The thing I love about any sort of smoke alarm is that

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we've advanced so far technologically,

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and yet we still haven't got beyond the only way to solve a

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smoke alarm is to have a tea towel and just do this underneath it.

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I was in a hotel once, and I was...a bit pissed,

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and I fell asleep on the bed in my clothes.

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And then I was woken up by this terrible noise in the room

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and I thought, "What is that?" This, "Whee-whee-whee!"

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And there was this thing on the ceiling

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and I started hitting it with my shoe, as hard as I could,

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and then it fell off the ceiling and it was dangling by a wire.

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And then I rang reception and said,

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"There's a thing in my room making a terrible noise."

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And they said, "That's the fire alarm, sir, will you please evacuate."

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LAUGHTER

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And I said, "Oh, just so you know, when it went off,

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"it kind of fell from the ceiling."

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And then I went out on the street

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and I was the only person in clothes.

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So I can possibly top all the noises that we have had so far.

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Has anybody ever seen these being played?

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-Ah!

-Is that...?

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Yes, it's an extraordinary noise, but here's the thing,

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1761, Benjamin Franklin was visiting in Cambridge, in England,

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and he saw the glasses being played and he thought,

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"I can improve on this."

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And he developed something called a glass armonica.

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It's 37 bowls and they are mounted horizontally on an iron spindle,

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and they're turned by means of a foot pedal

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and the sound is then produced by touching the rims.

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There it is. It is the most extraordinary noise.

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They're painted different colours, according to the pitch of the notes.

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Franklin used to play this at dinner parties,

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and it really took off, and thousands were built.

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There was a factory employing over 100 people making glass armonicas.

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Lots of the performers were women.

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There was a woman, Marianne Davies, and she toured all over Europe.

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She taught Marie Antoinette to play the glass armonica.

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-There she is.

-"Here we see Marie Antoinette pleasuring an armadillo."

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That's one of the worst sounds in the world,

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Marie Antoinette pleasuring an armadillo.

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"I'll get you a tune out of this armadillo, you just watch me."

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I have important things to tell you about the glass armonica.

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Crack on, girl, crack on.

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No, I want to know about pleasuring an armadillo.

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My brain's gone off in the wrong direction.

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So, anyway, it got a very bad reputation,

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because it was thought at first it had a sort of soothing effect

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and then eventually people thought it drove you mad to listen to it

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and would even summon the dead.

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And people who played it said they got mental anguish

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from the vibrations.

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In fact, the chances are they were getting lead poisoning

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because the lead was leaching out of the glass and into their system.

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Do they revive them and get them out for the Proms

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or anything like that?

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The only time I ever heard one played

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is outside Paul Revere's house in Boston.

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There's woman who plays and you give her money to stop.

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Now, make of this nonsensical question what you will.

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Who blows their nose for something to eat?

0:13:590:14:02

My children.

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There might be some good bacteria in your mucus.

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That's what I was told about children,

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doing that does actually help the immune system,

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-to consume their bogeys.

-Yeah.

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Was that one of your children that told you that?

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"It's very good for me, actually."

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There is a conflict of interest there.

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Is it an anteater?

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Is it an anteater?

0:14:260:14:27

Well, they suck up ants through their noses, don't they?

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Yes, but we are actually looking for something that blows its nose.

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Blows its nose.

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-Yes.

-Bird? Mammal.

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-Bird...

-Mammal...

-Mammal...

-Bird?

0:14:370:14:39

Are you trying to psyche me out so I tell you?

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-I'm trying, I'm trying.

-OK, it's a worm! You did it.

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Worms haven't got noses, they've got spiracles!

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Oh, well, here's the extraordinary thing.

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Have a look at this.

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Prepare yourselves for this bit of footage.

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This is...

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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Make it stop!

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It's called a nemertea, or a ribbon worm,

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and it literally blows its nose.

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So it explosively injects its proboscis from its body

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in search of food.

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They are also known as proboscis worms.

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-Is that snot then?

-No, it's its nose.

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When they detect food or prey, the muscle contractions of the body wall

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forces the proboscis, literally its nose,

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out of the body and turns it inside-out, like a rubber glove.

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-Right.

-OK. And the one that's shown here is a gorgon worm,

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and it's got these branching, spaghetti-like tentacles

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on its proboscis which then envelops the prey

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with a sticky toxin and draws it back into the body.

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Are you telling me that it ate that bloke?

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-Let's have another look. Let's have one more look.

-No, let's not!

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-It's amazing, isn't it?

-No!

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And again!

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Now, name a nonsense museum.

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-The Leicester Gas Museum?

-Is there a gas museum?

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-Yes!

-I want to go.

0:16:130:16:15

I went there, it was amazing,

0:16:150:16:16

and the guy who runs it is a James Bond lookalike.

0:16:160:16:18

But he asked us to guess who he was a lookalike of

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-and we didn't get it, so I'm not sure how successful he is.

-That's not so good.

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Does he look like a specific James Bond?

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He looks like the Scottish guy.

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Is it unlucky to mention him?

0:16:290:16:30

-"You're not allowed to say..."

-The Scottish Bond!

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"..The Scottish James Bond."

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And because we were so enthusiastic,

0:16:380:16:40

he gave us some British gas tracksuits from 1988.

0:16:400:16:44

Is he supposed to give away the exhibits? That doesn't seem right.

0:16:440:16:48

My favourite, there's a Pencil Museum in Cumbria.

0:16:480:16:51

-Yes.

-It's brilliant.

-In Keswick.

0:16:510:16:52

Keswick. It's got the world's biggest pencil, which is massive.

0:16:520:16:56

You go and they show you how they make pencils,

0:16:560:16:58

they show you how pencils were invented,

0:16:580:17:00

you can have a pencil with your name on it.

0:17:000:17:03

It's like, the best museum in the world.

0:17:030:17:05

Until I went to McLean in Texas,

0:17:050:17:07

where they have the Barbed Wire Museum.

0:17:070:17:09

-NISH:

-How do you get in?

0:17:110:17:13

Barbed wire is the thing that changed

0:17:160:17:18

the entire face of America, because that thing that we think about,

0:17:180:17:21

the Wild West, was only about a 20-year period of history

0:17:210:17:23

because barbed wire came in and it was impossible

0:17:230:17:26

to drive cattle across the country, so it's hugely important.

0:17:260:17:29

-But it is an extraordinary museum.

-Oh, yeah, yeah. It's great.

0:17:290:17:31

"That piece of barbed wire there, that's over 200 year old."

0:17:310:17:35

Anyway, there is actually a Nonsense Museum.

0:17:370:17:40

The Nonseum in Herrnbaumgarten in Austria.

0:17:400:17:44

It was founded in 1994 and it houses a collection of absurdist icons.

0:17:440:17:49

So it has things like the selfie rifle.

0:17:490:17:51

One previous owner.

0:17:550:17:57

This crockery set, I think, is a very useful thing.

0:17:570:17:59

This is divorce crockery.

0:17:590:18:00

And these are keyhole-shaped spectacles for voyeurs.

0:18:020:18:06

LAUGHTER

0:18:060:18:07

And the next one is something I absolutely would like to have.

0:18:110:18:14

This is a biological lawnmower.

0:18:140:18:15

That's not a real sheep!

0:18:180:18:21

But there's also some very good stuff.

0:18:220:18:24

The US Patent Office is a tremendous place to look for nonsensical items.

0:18:240:18:27

For example, the Behringer vacuum cleaner, this is a depressing thing.

0:18:270:18:31

It's from before the time of the electric vacuum cleaner.

0:18:310:18:33

Basically, the man's had a busy day and he comes home and he sits in his

0:18:330:18:36

rocking chair, reads the paper, smokes a pipe,

0:18:360:18:38

and he rocks, and the action of rocking enables the woman,

0:18:380:18:42

quite rightly, to do the hoovering.

0:18:420:18:47

The worst example of these is the centrifugal birthing machine.

0:18:470:18:51

So this was invented in the 1960s by a George and Charlotte Blonsky,

0:18:510:18:55

who I can only imagine did not actually have children.

0:18:550:18:57

So, women were strapped to it and rotated

0:18:570:18:59

at a speed dictated by the doctor.

0:18:590:19:01

And when it was delivered , the baby landed in a net...

0:19:010:19:05

LAUGHTER

0:19:050:19:06

..which triggered the machine to stop.

0:19:080:19:10

I love the idea that all other midwives were like,

0:19:100:19:12

"Kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi..."

0:19:120:19:14

That would be awesome. What a way to come out.

0:19:180:19:20

Something that would be like that would be a birthing trebuchet.

0:19:200:19:22

Yeah.

0:19:220:19:24

So you're labouring away

0:19:240:19:26

and then they strap you to a catapult, but then, bang!

0:19:260:19:30

It's like getting ketchup out the bottom of the thing.

0:19:300:19:33

Just the force of the boom. They'd be, "Whoa!"

0:19:340:19:37

You've forgotten the cord, Phill.

0:19:370:19:39

That baby's coming back.

0:19:390:19:42

LAUGHTER

0:19:420:19:45

APPLAUSE

0:19:450:19:47

Anyway, moving on.

0:19:470:19:48

In America there are three places called Fort Nonsense

0:19:490:19:52

but only one called Nowhere.

0:19:520:19:54

What's the official name for the middle of nowhere?

0:19:540:19:57

There is a place in the world that is the middle of nowhere.

0:19:580:20:01

Where, Croydon?

0:20:010:20:03

AUDIENCE MEMBER GROANS

0:20:030:20:04

I'm from Croydon, so I can say that, OK?

0:20:040:20:07

It's the centre of the least-populated bit?

0:20:070:20:09

You're absolutely in the right area.

0:20:090:20:11

So where would you find the least number of people?

0:20:110:20:13

Not necessarily on the land, maybe?

0:20:130:20:15

-Oh.

-The ocean?

0:20:150:20:17

It's a part of the Pacific.

0:20:170:20:18

It is as far from land as it is possible to get on the Earth

0:20:180:20:22

and it's called Point Nemo.

0:20:220:20:24

It is 1,700 miles from any coast.

0:20:240:20:27

Named, of course, after the submarine captain

0:20:270:20:29

in 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea.

0:20:290:20:31

-And there's a Starbucks there, right?

-Yeah, there's a Starbucks.

0:20:310:20:33

Nemo, Latin rendering of the ancient Greek Outis, meaning "nobody".

0:20:340:20:39

It's also known as the oceanic pole of inaccessibility.

0:20:390:20:41

And here is the extraordinary thing -

0:20:410:20:43

you'd think there's nothing there, but it is a spacecraft graveyard.

0:20:430:20:47

There are more than 160 spacecraft littering the ocean floor there.

0:20:470:20:51

I have to say, they're mostly Russian.

0:20:510:20:53

So here's the thing - it's much cheaper to allow

0:20:530:20:55

the orbit to decay naturally than to push it out into space.

0:20:550:20:58

But when they know they're going to do this to a spacecraft

0:20:580:21:00

they have to see if there are any sailors in the area

0:21:000:21:03

and ring them or contact them by radio and make sure that they know.

0:21:030:21:06

And if you pass Point Nemo at the right time of day

0:21:060:21:09

you'll be closer to the astronauts on the space station,

0:21:090:21:13

250 miles away, than to any other human being on Earth.

0:21:130:21:17

Isn't that extraordinary?

0:21:170:21:19

And now it's time for the most nonsensical bit of all,

0:21:190:21:22

general ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, please.

0:21:220:21:25

More than 1,000 stone examples of what are found on Easter Island?

0:21:250:21:29

'..old cat.'

0:21:290:21:30

Giant heads.

0:21:310:21:33

KLAXON

0:21:330:21:34

APPLAUSE

0:21:370:21:39

There are giant heads, they're called Moai.

0:21:390:21:41

There's 187 of them,

0:21:410:21:42

but it isn't the thing that there's more than 1,000 of.

0:21:420:21:44

There are more than 1,000 - 1,233, in fact -

0:21:440:21:48

chicken stone houses.

0:21:480:21:50

There they are. And here's the extraordinary thing -

0:21:500:21:52

there are no trees on Easter Island.

0:21:520:21:55

I thought you were going to say there were no chickens!

0:21:550:21:58

No chickens, they live in hope!

0:21:580:22:00

The chief came out and said, "We must build houses for the chickens.

0:22:000:22:03

"When the chickens come."

0:22:030:22:05

But the chickens, they never came.

0:22:070:22:09

"What shall we put in the chicken houses?"

0:22:090:22:10

"Wait for the chickens!"

0:22:100:22:13

"Make some heads. Make some heads!"

0:22:130:22:14

Just one empty Nando's on the outer island.

0:22:160:22:18

No, there are chickens, it's their main source of food,

0:22:200:22:23

but there are no trees at all on Easter Island.

0:22:230:22:25

There used to be, thousands of them.

0:22:250:22:27

So, what are you going to do to protect your chickens?

0:22:270:22:29

And what you did was, you built a house like this,

0:22:290:22:32

with a single, small entrance that you could close up

0:22:320:22:34

with a suitable, flush-fitting stone,

0:22:340:22:36

and your neighbour would be unable to find the entrance.

0:22:360:22:39

I think I've lived in London for too long,

0:22:390:22:41

because I'm looking at that, thinking, "Looks all right."

0:22:410:22:44

600 a month? Yes, please.

0:22:470:22:49

Let's have a look at the heads. What's missing from this picture?

0:22:500:22:54

Hair.

0:22:540:22:55

Well, weirdly enough they used to have a sort of topknot,

0:22:550:22:58

a red topknot. So huge kind of headpieces.

0:22:580:23:00

We don't know why or indeed how they got them up there,

0:23:000:23:02

-but something else is missing.

-The rest of his body is underground.

0:23:020:23:05

The body. Absolutely right. People used to think that

0:23:050:23:07

they were only heads but, in fact, they have bodies as well.

0:23:070:23:09

And the other thing they used to have, they used to have eyes.

0:23:090:23:12

Extraordinary eyes that were detachable.

0:23:120:23:14

They were made of coral and they were inserted for special occasions.

0:23:140:23:17

Like my nan.

0:23:170:23:18

Stick her eye in for a special occasion?

0:23:200:23:22

Christmas.

0:23:220:23:23

"I'll pop me coral eyes in."

0:23:230:23:26

The volcano where the stones come from, Rano Raraku,

0:23:260:23:28

which is where they were carved...

0:23:280:23:30

The only volcano named by Scooby-Doo.

0:23:300:23:33

-SHAGGY VOICE:

-"What volcano are we going to, Scoob?"

0:23:330:23:35

-SCOOBY VOICE:

-"Rano Raraku!!

0:23:350:23:37

LAUGHTER

0:23:370:23:39

APPLAUSE

0:23:390:23:40

Anyway, how many Rex Britanniae have been called Alan?

0:23:430:23:48

One.

0:23:490:23:50

One is the absolutely right answer.

0:23:500:23:53

APPLAUSE

0:23:530:23:54

-Kabaddi!

-Kabaddi.

0:23:540:23:56

Well done. It means "King of Brittany".

0:23:590:24:01

And there's been one. He was called Alan the Great.

0:24:010:24:03

The Great Alan, he was a lovely man.

0:24:030:24:05

He was given the title by the Emperor Charles the Fat.

0:24:050:24:07

Yeah, he was around 876, until his death in 907.

0:24:100:24:14

By the time he died, there was another Emperor, Charles the Simple.

0:24:140:24:16

When did they switch to the number system for naming the Charleses?

0:24:160:24:20

When you had to have Hotmail addresses.

0:24:200:24:23

Yeah, that's true.

0:24:230:24:25

Alan's main adversary,

0:24:260:24:27

you have to say it very carefully, because it's called F-U-L-K.

0:24:270:24:30

What do you think, Falk? Foolk?

0:24:300:24:32

-Fulk of Angouleme?

-Yeah.

0:24:320:24:33

I don't fulking know.

0:24:330:24:35

What's that's depicting?

0:24:360:24:38

Well, after Alan died, Brittany was overrun by Vikings

0:24:380:24:40

and they were in turn driven out by Alan's grandson who was Alan II,

0:24:400:24:43

but he wasn't a king so he doesn't count as a Rex.

0:24:430:24:46

What you can see in this picture is Alan the Simple,

0:24:460:24:48

who's trying to hit a fire alarm.

0:24:480:24:50

-Just to the right, off shot.

-Got his shoe off.

0:24:510:24:54

Just a sandal.

0:24:550:24:57

Now, this spider is called the house spider,

0:24:580:25:01

but what is its natural habitat?

0:25:010:25:04

'..get fat'

0:25:040:25:05

-Yes, Nish?

-A house.

0:25:050:25:07

You're absolutely right.

0:25:070:25:10

APPLAUSE

0:25:100:25:12

-Kabaddi!

-Kabaddi!

-Yeah!

0:25:160:25:18

House spiders really do live in houses.

0:25:180:25:20

Whenever I catch them, I put them outside, which must drive them mad.

0:25:200:25:24

-No, it kills them.

-It kills them?

-It absolutely kills them.

0:25:240:25:26

They're one of a very small number of species

0:25:260:25:28

specially adapted to living indoors.

0:25:280:25:31

The same as if you take the garden spider and you invite it in

0:25:310:25:33

from the cold and you think, it's a bit chilly out there, it will die.

0:25:330:25:36

Who's doing that?!

0:25:360:25:37

What idiot is going out looking for feral spiders to bring indoors?

0:25:390:25:44

-So really you need a spider cupboard?

-Yes.

0:25:440:25:47

A special cupboard in your house, when you catch a spider,

0:25:470:25:50

you put it in the spider cupboard, they're all in there together.

0:25:500:25:52

-Yeah.

-What kind of hellish arrangement is that?

0:25:520:25:57

I just think it's probably a good thing that Peter Parker

0:25:570:26:00

wasn't bitten by a radioactive house spider.

0:26:000:26:02

Because it would have been a very short film.

0:26:020:26:05

Of him just going, "I've got all this power."

0:26:050:26:07

He walks out of the house, dead immediately.

0:26:070:26:10

He has to stay indoors going, "There's a criminal!"

0:26:110:26:15

Phoning the police!

0:26:150:26:16

"Chase him, chase him!"

0:26:160:26:19

"Spider-Man, come out." "I can't come out. I can't come out.

0:26:190:26:22

"I'm a House Spider-Man."

0:26:220:26:23

Iron Man would go rusty, right?

0:26:270:26:28

-Yeah, exactly.

-That's another... "I can't come out, it's raining.

0:26:280:26:32

-"I'll freeze up."

-And Batman just gets smacked by someone's shoe.

0:26:320:26:35

Certain people get really itchy eyes around Catwoman.

0:26:350:26:38

Bruce Banner's in therapy, never gets annoyed.

0:26:400:26:43

Anyway, moving on.

0:26:450:26:46

What phrase do you use to end a radio conversation?

0:26:470:26:51

-Come on, someone, don't make me do it.

-Uh...

-Go on, Holly.

0:26:510:26:53

Do you go, "Over and out"?

0:26:530:26:55

KLAXON

0:26:550:26:56

I bought my kids walkie-talkies and they knew about over and out,

0:26:580:27:02

but they didn't know how to say it, and they would say,

0:27:020:27:04

I could hear them in the house going, "Out and in, out and in."

0:27:040:27:07

LAUGHTER

0:27:070:27:08

No. Over means,

0:27:110:27:12

"This is the end of my transmission to you and a response is necessary.

0:27:120:27:16

"Go ahead, transmit."

0:27:160:27:17

Out means, "This is the end of my transmission to you

0:27:170:27:20

"and no transmission is required and expected."

0:27:200:27:23

So over and out would technically mean, "You can talk now if you want,

0:27:230:27:26

"but I'm not going to be listening."

0:27:260:27:28

You know when you're on the phone to someone and they drop out

0:27:310:27:33

of reception and it goes beep, beep, beep, and you know they've cut off.

0:27:330:27:37

I'd love to be able to do that in normal conversation with someone.

0:27:370:27:40

So if they just bore me, I just sit there and go, "Beep, beep, beep."

0:27:400:27:44

Well, that's quite enough of this nonsense.

0:27:470:27:50

Let's have a look at the scores.

0:27:500:27:51

And I can tell you, oh, we have a tie for first place.

0:27:510:27:54

-They both have...

-Fight, fight, fight...

0:27:540:27:57

Kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi...

0:27:570:27:59

They both have three points, it's Phill and Nish!

0:28:010:28:03

APPLAUSE

0:28:030:28:05

A very creditable third place, with -4, it's Alan.

0:28:100:28:13

APPLAUSE

0:28:130:28:15

Pleased with that.

0:28:150:28:16

And then last place, and what an honourable place it is to be,

0:28:160:28:19

with -6, it's Holly!

0:28:190:28:21

APPLAUSE

0:28:210:28:22

It only remains me to thank Holly, Phill, Nish and Alan.

0:28:280:28:32

And I leave you with this account of a bit of old nonsense

0:28:320:28:34

from the London Evening Standard.

0:28:340:28:36

"'Their behaviour was disgusting.

0:28:360:28:38

"'She and her friends pulled their clothes up for pictures,

0:28:380:28:41

"'lay about on the floor in compromising positions

0:28:410:28:44

"'and pulled a man's trousers and pants down,'

0:28:440:28:47

"A club member told the tribunal.

0:28:470:28:49

"'I was absolutely horrified.

0:28:490:28:51

"'You don't go for an evening out at a Conservative Club

0:28:510:28:53

"'expecting to see behaviour like that.

0:28:530:28:56

"'We stayed to see midnight in and then left.'"

0:28:560:28:58

Good night.

0:28:580:29:00

APPLAUSE

0:29:000:29:02