Noodles QI


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Noodles

Sandi Toksvig natters about noodles with Matt Lucas, Jerry Springer, Cariad Lloyd and Alan Davies.


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APPLAUSE

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Welcome to a show

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where we will be noodling about with an eNormous array of things

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beginning with N.

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Please welcome the netholiginous Jerry Springer.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The nonalturantist Matt Lucas.

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Thank you. Thank you very much, I'm very happy to be here.

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The noctivagant Cariad Lloyd.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And nicky, nacky, noo,

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it's Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And their buzzers have been lavishly personalised.

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Jerry goes...

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-CHANTS:

-'Jerry! Jerry!

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'Jerry! Jerry!

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'Jerry! Jerry!

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'Jerry! Jerry!

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'Jerry!'

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Can you tell we're a bit excited that you're here, Jerry?

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Matt goes...

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'Nope, but yet, but no, yeah, oh, my God,

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'I so can't believe you just said that.'

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APPLAUSE

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-Cariad goes...

-I don't have a famous catchphrase, so...

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# Always Cariad Always Cariad Lloyd... #

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'Oh, look, there's Cariad Lloyd!'

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-You have a theme tune now.

-I've got a theme tune.

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You've got walk-on music.

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Yeah! And Alan goes...

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'Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan!

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'Alan! Al!

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'Alan! Alan!'

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SHOTGUN GOES OFF

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Anyway, moving on.

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Now, I've got a list here

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of the Christian names of the first 200 parachutists

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to land in Normandy on D-Day.

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I'd like you to give me the name of any of them.

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-Their Christian names?

-Any Christian name.

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-Yeah.

-Vladimir.

-Vladimir, we're going to start with.

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Another first name?

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-Mordechai?

-Mordechai?

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Well...

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You have over 200 choices in here.

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John. Dave. William.

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Enid.

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LAUGHTER

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'Alan! Alan! Al! Alan! Alan!'

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Are you suggesting that it's Alan? SHOTGUN GOES OFF

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They were dummy people.

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They WERE dummy people. You are absolutely right.

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APPLAUSE

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The very first Allied parachutists into Normandy

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consisted of 200 dummies, six men,

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some gramophones and a pigeon.

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That's a good night!

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It's a classic, yes! Absolute classic!

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The 200 dummies were a diversionary tactic, the six men were SAS troops.

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I like this, they played battle noises on gramophones

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to divert the Germans from the real air drops

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which were going on elsewhere.

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And the pigeon was a carrier

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strapped to the very first man to land,

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so the first soldier to land was called Norman Poole.

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I think they thought, Normandy, Norman! Let's have Norman.

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But the very first ones, there were 200 dummies,

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and they were all called Rupert.

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Because British soldiers often

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referred to their officers as Ruperts.

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They were only two foot nine inches tall,

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but from the ground, they would have looked full-size.

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I've got helmets for you, if you wouldn't mind,

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just stick those on there.

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Just following orders.

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Yep.

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Because we're going to show you, from the ground,

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what the parachute drop would have looked like.

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It would have looked like this.

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It's possible you didn't need the helmets,

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but, then, it is possible that you would need them.

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-I needed it, yeah.

-So those are replicas, obviously, of Rupert.

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They contained firecrackers

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so that when they landed it sounded like they were firing.

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This one is anatomically correct.

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They distracted nearly a full German division, and in 2013,

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a Rupert was discovered in a garden shed in the UK,

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and nobody knows how he got back.

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We have a real one here which comes from the Museum of Army Flying

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in Middle Wallop. Don't you love this country?

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We have a place called Middle Wallop.

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It is accompanied by his curator, Susan Lindsay.

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Thank you, Susan.

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Do you not think that is the coolest thing?

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Because how Rupert survived and made it all the way back to the UK,

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absolutely nobody knows.

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My favourite story from that time is Lord Lovat,

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he was the commander of the first commando brigade.

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He took with him his personal bagpiper,

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this is very British, to do this.

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He took with him Bill Millin, who was his personal bagpiper.

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In the hope that he'd get shot?

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The story is he walked slowly up and down Sword Beach in Highland dress

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playing to encourage the Allied troops,

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and then he later piped the commandos

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through the French countryside,

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and the German snipers said,

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"We didn't shoot him because we thought he'd gone mad."

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LAUGHTER

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Jerry. Now, this time that we're talking about,

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the battle of Normandy,

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you were in the UK?

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Yes. I'd been born six months earlier, yes.

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And where were you?

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I was actually born in Highgate, in the tube station.

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-During an air raid?

-Not during an air raid, but you didn't know...

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Your mother just missed her train and...

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Yes.

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Women in the ninth month would often spend nights in the subway

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because those were the bomb shelters.

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Have you been back to the station?

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Yeah, and there's not even a plaque there!

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LAUGHTER

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You know.

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You'd need to have been conceived to have a plaque there, I think.

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When you were Mayor of Cincinnati...

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-Yes.

-1977, is that right?

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1977, '78, yeah.

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Oh, my God!

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What are you doing in that picture?

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Well, you know, when you're mayor,

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you also get a lot of ceremonial things to do,

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so it probably was some...

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Oh, I know. That's when I got circumcised.

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LAUGHTER

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That's when everybody got circumcised.

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Is it true about Cincinnati,

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that there is a full abandoned subway system that was never used,

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that's underneath the city, is that true?

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Yeah, they ran out of money, actually.

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And so it was never completed.

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-But, yeah.

-So are there stations?

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-Yeah.

-So why did they not do it...?

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It was before my time.

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If I were mayor, we would have finished that subway!

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Quite right.

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APPLAUSE

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From Normandy to Newcastle now,

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we know why you'd take a canary down a coal mine,

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but why would you take a dead fish?

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Is it one of those fish you put in your hand, you know,

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you used to get from the shop for a pound?

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Oh, for fortune telling?

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A fortune-telling fish. So you'd be like, "There is coal here."

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And it rolls over. And goes, "No, the coal-mining industry has gone."

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Wow, that's like the saddest fortune fish of all time.

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LAUGHTER

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If you brought a live fish down,

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they would be dead by the time you got to the bottom of the mine,

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so this just saves time.

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That's true.

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If you want to have a fish at all, just save time by killing it first.

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-Right.

-Maybe, because in some cultures people eat fish.

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So... Maybe the people in the mine are peckish.

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OK. We're in Newcastle.

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Do they eat fish in Newcastle?

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Oh, yes, they do.

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They have a little fishy on a little dishy when the boat comes in.

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LAUGHTER

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Dance for your daddy, my little laddie.

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Is it possible you spend too much time with your small children?

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LAUGHTER

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OK, so I'm going to give you a clue.

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The fish in the picture is glowing.

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It does something down there

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that tells you that something's not right,

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and it's time to leave? Similar to the canary.

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Well, the canary was used, of course, to work out if there was...

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Poisonous gases.

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-..if there was poisonous gases.

-So the canary would die first.

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Absolutely. But in the 18th century in the Newcastle coal mines,

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they used dead fish as lights.

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So some dead fish, not all, glow faintly,

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and they are safer than lamps in mines because of explosive gas.

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Unfortunately, the fish have two putrefy

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in order to be able to glow,

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so the smell must have been unbelievable.

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But it is called bioluminescence.

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And they glow because of bacteria,

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and it's possible that the bacteria glow

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to attract living fish to eat the dead fish

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and that helps the bacteria to spread.

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-That is incredible.

-Yeah. Cunning bacteria.

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And it's been known about for years.

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Aristotle spotted that damp wood glowed,

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Pliny the Elder, he recommended using, I like this,

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a walking stick dipped in a jellyfish's glowing slime

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as a torch.

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When Kanye West played Madison Square Gardens,

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-he lit the show just with fish.

-Dead fish.

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That's the same as, you know toxoplasmosis, that bacteria,

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and it lives in cats.

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It wants to be in cats.

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But if it can't get in a cat, say it infects a rat or a mouse,

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it will make the mouse not scared of cats any more,

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so that it's more likely to be ate by a cat.

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-Are you making this up?

-No.

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They have found that human beings who have toxoplasmosis

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are more likely to have car crashes,

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so the bacteria is trying to kill you.

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So that a cat will find you.

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-LAUGHTER

-It's true.

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Is this why we have these books, to write this down?

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It's also to write down what medication Cariad is on.

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Toxoplasmosis, guys.

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It is absolutely true what Cariad is saying.

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Absolutely true. The world is so extraordinary,

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there are lots of sea creatures that glow

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when they are disturbed by a boat's wake.

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So that glows.

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And this is a serious issue,

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so in World War I, there was a German submarine tracked and sunk

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because they had disturbed enough bioluminescent organisms.

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We could see where it was?

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Exactly. It glowed from the surface.

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And they can also use it in various ways, for example,

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they can inject mice

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with a genetically modified glowing herpes virus.

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And who hasn't wanted to have that at some point?

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Scientists can examine how it moves through the body.

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No, I don't know why it's glowing, honey.

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LAUGHTER

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Just one of those things.

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You get up in the night, and you don't need to put the light on.

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LAUGHTER

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I can just find my way.

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LAUGHTER

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Now for a question on non-employment.

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What is the most painless way of sacking 24,000 people

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at the same time?

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-Don't tell them.

-Don't tell them?

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-Don't tell them.

-Just don't mention it?

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Are they dummies again? Are they fake employees that never existed?

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They are. And it did happen.

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So it was February, 2016.

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Nigeria sacked 23,846 employees from the government payroll,

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all for the same offence, they didn't exist.

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And the move saved £8 million a month.

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They were ghost workers.

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It's a common problem,

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You get real workers collect fictional colleagues' payrolls.

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In 2011, a newborn baby was added to the government payroll

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and got £90 a month, and a diploma.

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You can get high office as well.

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In 2007, Andre Kasongo Ilunga became the Minister of Foreign Trade

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in the Democratic Republic of the Congo,

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despite the fact that he was entirely fictional.

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The Congolese law is that there has to be two candidates

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for any ministerial post.

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So there was a politician called Kasimba Ngoi,

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and he really wanted the role.

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So what he did was he invented a fake rival, this gentleman.

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-And the fake guy won?

-Well...

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Kasimba assumed that the Prime Minister

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would choose the person he'd heard of.

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But, unfortunately for Mr Ngoi,

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the Prime Minister disliked him intensely

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and chose the fictional Mr Ilunga.

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Mr Ngoi later claimed that Ilunga had resigned.

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But the Prime Minister said he would only accept

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the resignation in person.

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LAUGHTER

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Eventually, Ilunga was sacked.

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-Possibly for non-attendance.

-For not turning up.

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Now, which is worse, death or Norfolk?

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LAUGHTER

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Well, you could leave Norfolk.

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Yes, that's a very good point.

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But it's not the English county of Norfolk, that we are talking about.

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Sometimes I think the questions on this show

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aren't quite what they seem.

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Let me give you a clue, OK. So which newly-discovered continent,

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beginning and ending in A,

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were most British convicts transported to in the 18th century?

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Australia.

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Or Australasia.

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No, nor Australasia.

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Antarctica.

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-Not Antarctica.

-America.

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You are absolutely right. So 1718 to 1775,

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they were sent exclusively to America,

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at least 52,000 of them.

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It wasn't America yet.

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No, it wasn't even America yet.

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And some people estimate that as many as a tenth of the migrants

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to America during that period were, in fact, British convicts.

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And Australia was only used after

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the American War of Independence broke out

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and everybody thought, "What a dangerous place.

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"Let's send them somewhere else."

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But the Norfolk we are talking about is in Australasia,

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which is what you mentioned.

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It's a tiny little island called Norfolk Island.

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And in 1825, it was established as a penal colony for a penal colony.

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So it was for people who had committed crimes

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while already serving a sentence in Australia.

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Oh, my God.

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Not a place that anybody wanted to go.

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In fact, people who were sentenced to death on the mainland

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thanked God that they were not going to Norfolk Island.

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Some people hated the island so much,

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they openly committed capital crimes.

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They openly would kill somebody just to be taken back to Sydney

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to be tried and executed, because it was so horrendous.

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Now, in which country is the very highest peak of the Alps?

0:13:550:13:59

Isn't Mont Blanc the tallest?

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-OK, so where is that?

-Where is it, Matt?

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LAUGHTER

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Italy, I think.

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-Yeah, it's on the border.

-It is, exactly on the border.

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The French-Italian border, in fact,

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passes directly over Mont Blanc's peak.

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The very highest peak of the Alps is not there.

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-Not Mont Blanc?

-Neither in France, nor in Italy.

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-Switzerland?

-So we'll go for Switzerland.

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I want you to think, unlikely, and I want you to think, you know...

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like a flat place.

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Is it that the Alps go much further?

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No, it's in the Netherlands.

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-Really?

-There was a Swiss geologist called Horace-Benedict de Saussure,

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born in 1740,

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he led the very first expedition up Mont Blanc.

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When he got to the top, he took the top as a souvenir.

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It is now in the Teylers Museum in Haarlem in the Netherlands.

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I'm going to guess it's not quite that big.

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And it's not floating in a museum.

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He was a fantastic polymath, de Saussure.

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He was described as the inventor of climbing, or Alpinism.

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Did he invent climbing?

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-Well, he invented...

-People were climbing in the Alps before,

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and he came along and went, "I will call this climbing."

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People must have been climbing before then, yeah.

0:15:100:15:12

Just boys making things up. It's not right, is it?

0:15:120:15:15

You've never had that on your show, have you?

0:15:150:15:17

-People making things up?

-That would be so wrong.

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That would be very wrong, Jerry.

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It would be a good topic for the show,

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"My friend claims he invented climbing."

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And the women who love him.

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LAUGHTER

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You can say any sentence in the world, and as long as you add,

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-"and the women who love him"...

-Yeah.

-..then you've got a show.

0:15:330:15:36

LAUGHTER

0:15:360:15:38

My labrador, and the women who love him.

0:15:380:15:42

This thing of taking the top off,

0:15:420:15:44

so there was an artist called Oscar Santillan in 2015,

0:15:440:15:47

and he removed the topmost inch of Scafell Pike.

0:15:470:15:50

He made everybody very cross in Cumbria, the managing director,

0:15:500:15:54

Ian Stephens, of Cumbrian Tourism said, "This is taking the mickey.

0:15:540:15:57

"We want the top of our mountain back."

0:15:570:15:59

Yeah, you'd get a mohel for that.

0:15:590:16:01

A mohel? That's a Jewish gentleman who does circumcision?

0:16:010:16:05

That's right, yeah.

0:16:050:16:06

Yeah, that's painful.

0:16:060:16:07

It happens when you're eight days old, so in theory,

0:16:080:16:11

-you don't remember it.

-But you two are both in pain still.

0:16:110:16:14

I'm still limping, yeah.

0:16:140:16:17

I don't care if it was a subway station, I'll remember it.

0:16:170:16:20

Wow, I'll never see Highgate station the same way again.

0:16:210:16:24

LAUGHTER

0:16:240:16:26

So, if you want to get really high, go to the Netherlands.

0:16:260:16:28

But what is Britain's biggest national secret?

0:16:280:16:31

If we tell it, it won't be a secret any more.

0:16:310:16:33

Ah, well, that is true,

0:16:330:16:34

and that was the thing that worried people for a long, long time.

0:16:340:16:37

-So we're in London.

-Right.

0:16:370:16:38

-So...

-Was it the London Tower or something?

0:16:380:16:40

It is a tower. Tower is right, Jerry.

0:16:400:16:42

Is this some enormous building that isn't supposed to...

0:16:420:16:45

Yes, there is an enormous building

0:16:450:16:46

that was a secret for years and years.

0:16:460:16:48

-The Gherkin.

-The BT Tower.

0:16:480:16:50

The BT Tower is exactly right.

0:16:500:16:53

It was built in 1965,

0:16:530:16:54

it was considered such an important part of the telecoms infrastructure

0:16:540:16:58

that it was classified as an official secret.

0:16:580:17:00

What?!

0:17:000:17:02

Because no-one can see it!

0:17:020:17:03

No, it was Britain's tallest building,

0:17:030:17:06

it contained a public viewing gallery, and a revolving restaurant.

0:17:060:17:11

I went to that place once for a charity event.

0:17:110:17:14

And Rick Astley was singing.

0:17:140:17:16

It was wonderful. And I went to the loo, which is in the middle,

0:17:170:17:20

and when I came out of the loo it had revolved,

0:17:200:17:23

and I came out right on stage next to him.

0:17:230:17:25

LAUGHTER

0:17:250:17:27

He was going... # Never going to give you up... #

0:17:290:17:32

It was technically illegal to take photographs of the tower

0:17:350:17:38

under the Official Secrets Act.

0:17:380:17:39

It wasn't included in any Ordnance Survey maps

0:17:390:17:41

until the mid-1990s.

0:17:410:17:44

In a 1978 case a judge would only refer to it as location 23,

0:17:440:17:49

and in 1993 the MP Kate Hoey

0:17:490:17:51

spoke in parliament to state the location, she said,

0:17:510:17:54

"I hope I that I am covered by Parliamentary privilege

0:17:540:17:56

"when I reveal that the British Telecom Tower does exist,

0:17:560:17:59

"and that its address is 60 Cleveland St, London,"

0:17:590:18:03

which, the restaurant was fantastic.

0:18:030:18:05

Did you ever go to the revolving restaurant?

0:18:050:18:08

-No.

-It was just glorious.

0:18:080:18:09

And in 2009, BT said they were going to reopen it,

0:18:090:18:11

and anybody who's ever had a promise from BT

0:18:110:18:13

will know that'll never happen.

0:18:130:18:14

LAUGHTER

0:18:140:18:16

You get a lot of e-mails saying your order's on its way.

0:18:160:18:19

LAUGHTER

0:18:190:18:21

What's the best cure for nostalgia?

0:18:210:18:24

Is it actually living in the actual past?

0:18:240:18:28

And staying there?

0:18:280:18:30

And then you don't need nostalgia, cos you're still living in it.

0:18:300:18:33

But wouldn't you be nostalgic for the hundred years before that?

0:18:330:18:36

Would there not be a period... There's always going to be a period.

0:18:360:18:38

-Oh, yeah.

-Like, even the Dark Ages.

0:18:380:18:40

Do you get nostalgic, Jerry?

0:18:400:18:42

Yeah. Smell.

0:18:420:18:44

If you smell something, it brings back a memory.

0:18:440:18:47

-Straight away, isn't it?

-Cigarettes in pubs.

0:18:470:18:50

Do you miss them?

0:18:500:18:52

-Oh, yeah.

-Smell affects your memory part more than sight, or touch,

0:18:520:18:55

or anything. It instantly affects your memory.

0:18:550:18:57

My wife, when she smells beer on me, she knows where I've been.

0:18:570:19:00

LAUGHTER

0:19:000:19:03

Are there things you're nostalgic for, Alan?

0:19:030:19:05

I'm not a nostalgic person, no.

0:19:050:19:07

-That's probably good.

-I think the future's going to be great.

0:19:070:19:12

The past, whatever.

0:19:120:19:14

I'm nostalgic for when Alan used to be nostalgic.

0:19:140:19:18

-That was a lovely time.

-Those were the days.

0:19:180:19:20

Well, in the 18th and 19th century, it was seen as a deadly disease.

0:19:200:19:23

-Really?

-To be nostalgic.

0:19:230:19:25

It was known as Schweizenkrankheit, or Swiss illness,

0:19:250:19:29

because Swiss soldiers were apparently particularly prone to it.

0:19:290:19:33

And in the American Civil War more than 5,000 men were diagnosed

0:19:330:19:36

with nostalgia and 74 allegedly died from it.

0:19:360:19:40

In fact, the Unionist army was forbidden

0:19:400:19:42

from playing Home Sweet Home in case it brought on an attack.

0:19:420:19:46

No doubt the past makes you upset.

0:19:460:19:48

I found, when I wrote my book, this is not a plug, it's out of print.

0:19:480:19:52

No-one bought it.

0:19:520:19:53

LAUGHTER

0:19:530:19:56

It was part-memoir,

0:19:560:19:57

that meant a lot of going back through childhood memories.

0:19:570:20:00

And it's not pleasant, it's not nice.

0:20:000:20:02

It's much better to look forward, that hasn't happened yet.

0:20:020:20:04

You can invent it.

0:20:040:20:05

The only one thing I would like to have is my grandmother's trifle.

0:20:050:20:10

Oh, was it particularly good?

0:20:100:20:12

It was so good. She died in 1974, and it went with her.

0:20:120:20:15

-No-one knew how to make it.

-Have you tried to recreate it?

0:20:150:20:18

I don't even know how she did it. No-one knows.

0:20:180:20:20

Grannies everywhere, write down all your recipes

0:20:200:20:23

so that we can continue to have them.

0:20:230:20:25

Funnily enough, I just bought a book for my kids

0:20:250:20:26

for all the things that I've learnt from previous generations,

0:20:260:20:29

and I'm starting to write the recipes down.

0:20:290:20:31

Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

0:20:310:20:33

So if you've just tuned in,

0:20:330:20:34

this evening's episode was a tribute to Cariad,

0:20:340:20:37

Jerry, Sandi and Alan, who all, very sadly, died of nostalgia.

0:20:370:20:41

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:410:20:44

So they still haven't worked out what the best cure is.

0:20:500:20:54

A Russian general came up with it in 1733.

0:20:540:20:57

Vodka. Did it involve vodka?

0:20:570:20:58

It didn't involve vodka.

0:20:580:20:59

What he did was, he warned the troops

0:20:590:21:01

that the very first man

0:21:010:21:03

to come down with a case of nostalgia would be buried alive.

0:21:030:21:07

And cases plummeted.

0:21:070:21:08

The suspected causes of nostalgia

0:21:100:21:12

were unfulfilled ambition, poor hygiene,

0:21:120:21:16

coming from farming stock, and masturbation.

0:21:160:21:18

Those were the...

0:21:180:21:20

I've got two of those.

0:21:200:21:22

LAUGHTER

0:21:220:21:24

Me too, and I've never been on a farm.

0:21:240:21:27

It was declassified as a disease as late as 1899.

0:21:270:21:30

What was? Oh...

0:21:300:21:31

Nostalgia. Yeah.

0:21:310:21:33

They say that's still troublesome.

0:21:330:21:35

I miss it.

0:21:350:21:36

Actually, it can be useful. It is thought to protect, slightly,

0:21:380:21:40

against cold. So people can stand the pain of icy water for longer

0:21:400:21:44

-if they focus on nostalgic memories.

-Who writes this stuff down?

0:21:440:21:47

So you mean if you're trapped in a freezer by a gangland criminal

0:21:470:21:51

you just say to someone,

0:21:510:21:52

"Do you remember when we weren't trapped in this freezer?"

0:21:520:21:55

You're going to make it.

0:21:550:21:56

I think you have to think about Grandma Davies's trifle.

0:21:560:21:59

Oh, I see what you mean, yeah.

0:21:590:22:01

Now for something completely different.

0:22:010:22:03

Alan. Are you a narcissist?

0:22:030:22:05

I know I don't like looking at myself.

0:22:050:22:08

LAUGHTER

0:22:080:22:11

I would take either of those two lives ahead of my own!

0:22:130:22:15

LAUGHTER

0:22:150:22:18

Yes or no, are you a narcissist?

0:22:180:22:19

No, I'm not.

0:22:190:22:20

That is correct.

0:22:200:22:22

And this is a complete reversal of the usual format,

0:22:220:22:25

because whether you said yes or no, we are going to give you two points.

0:22:250:22:28

-Oh.

-And that is because in the standard modern test for narcissism,

0:22:280:22:32

research shows that narcissists feel so good about themselves,

0:22:320:22:35

they don't mind admitting it.

0:22:350:22:37

So if you think you are a narcissist, then you are.

0:22:370:22:41

Would you say that you were a narcissist?

0:22:410:22:43

Yes.

0:22:430:22:44

Totally fine. What about you, Jerry?

0:22:450:22:47

Would you say you're a narcissist?

0:22:470:22:48

No, I've got a mirror, that depresses me.

0:22:480:22:52

I mean, you're asking the star of the Jerry Springer show!

0:22:520:22:57

-CHANT:

-Jerry!

0:22:570:22:58

Me, a narcissist?

0:23:010:23:03

In mythology, of course, we get narcissism from...

0:23:030:23:06

Narcissis gazing in a pond.

0:23:060:23:09

That's a beautiful picture by John William Waterhouse.

0:23:090:23:12

He became so transfixed by his own reflection

0:23:120:23:16

that he was unable to drag himself away, and he stayed there,

0:23:160:23:18

and was eventually transformed into a flower.

0:23:180:23:20

What flower was he transformed into?

0:23:200:23:22

Oh, self-raising!

0:23:220:23:23

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:23:230:23:27

-What did you say?

-A narcissi?

0:23:300:23:32

No, it's one of those weird things, it's not connected.

0:23:320:23:34

So you'd think that the scientific name for the daffodil is connected,

0:23:340:23:37

but in fact, that's related to the narcotic quality of the bulb.

0:23:370:23:40

Did he turn into a lily?

0:23:400:23:41

We don't know. We've no idea.

0:23:410:23:43

So why did you ask us, then, you don't even have the answer!

0:23:430:23:46

Some things are unknown, Matt.

0:23:460:23:48

That's OK. Anyway, now it's time for our weekly brush

0:23:480:23:51

with general ignorance.

0:23:510:23:53

Fingers on buzzers, please.

0:23:530:23:54

Which of these two men has stronger muscles?

0:23:540:23:57

'I can't believe you've just said that!'

0:23:570:24:01

Well, the one on the right certainly has bigger muscles,

0:24:010:24:04

but maybe the muscles on the left are stronger

0:24:040:24:07

because they're not as strong,

0:24:070:24:09

and yet they're still working.

0:24:090:24:11

Stop now! Stop now, you're doing so well.

0:24:110:24:13

Or is the answer, we just don't know?

0:24:130:24:15

Pound for pound, body-builders have weaker muscles than normal people.

0:24:150:24:18

So one of the reasons body-builders are so strong

0:24:180:24:20

is that they have a large amount of muscle.

0:24:200:24:22

But the muscles they do have are, in fact, weaker.

0:24:220:24:26

Here is the thing. If you don't have muscles,

0:24:260:24:28

but you have a really good imagination,

0:24:280:24:30

you can exercise your muscles.

0:24:300:24:33

So say your hand is in a cast.

0:24:330:24:35

You can prevent yourself from losing muscle mass

0:24:350:24:38

by simply imagining yourself using your hand muscles.

0:24:380:24:41

-Wow!

-Well, I'm just imagining myself winning the show.

0:24:410:24:45

I'm imagining myself using my hands.

0:24:460:24:49

LAUGHTER

0:24:490:24:51

Now, which of Shakespeare's plays wasn't performed at first

0:24:520:24:55

because it was believed to be cursed?

0:24:550:24:58

# Cariad Lloyd... #

0:24:580:25:00

Is it Richard II

0:25:000:25:02

because the language was so provocative?

0:25:020:25:04

It's a good choice, but it is not Richard II.

0:25:040:25:06

Is it Midsummer Night's Dream, in which I played Bottom,

0:25:060:25:09

and got the best reviews of my career?

0:25:090:25:12

Er, no.

0:25:130:25:14

Is it the one that was playing when the Globe was burned down?

0:25:140:25:18

It is the one that was playing.

0:25:180:25:19

Oh, No Sex, Please, We're British.

0:25:190:25:23

Run For Your Wife!

0:25:230:25:24

1613, it was a production of Henry VIII.

0:25:240:25:26

I was going to say Henry VIII!

0:25:260:25:28

The very first recorded performance at the Globe,

0:25:280:25:30

and they fired a cannon,

0:25:300:25:31

as one of the special effects,

0:25:310:25:33

and it hit the straw of the thatched roof

0:25:330:25:35

and the theatre burned down.

0:25:350:25:36

Absolutely nobody was injured,

0:25:360:25:37

the only risk to life was one man's britches caught fire

0:25:370:25:40

and his friend put him out with a bottle of beer.

0:25:400:25:44

Theatres used to burn down all the time.

0:25:440:25:47

And one theatre was burned down about four or five hundred years ago

0:25:470:25:51

because one guy advertised

0:25:510:25:53

that he could squeeze himself into a quart bottle on stage.

0:25:530:25:57

And so thousands of people turned out to see him, and when it was...

0:25:570:26:01

Weirdly, he couldn't do it.

0:26:010:26:03

Weirdly, he couldn't do it, and there was a riot,

0:26:030:26:04

and the theatre burned down.

0:26:040:26:06

Why don't they do that on Britain's Got Talent?

0:26:060:26:08

-Yeah.

-What is the play that actors have often treated as being cursed?

0:26:080:26:12

Macbeth. And the reason you're not supposed to say Macbeth

0:26:120:26:17

is because, traditionally,

0:26:170:26:19

when repertory companies were doing a play, and no-one was coming,

0:26:190:26:25

what they would do is quickly put on Macbeth,

0:26:250:26:28

which was in their repertoire,

0:26:280:26:30

because people always came to see Macbeth.

0:26:300:26:31

So if you were putting on Macbeth,

0:26:310:26:33

it was that the thing you really wanted to do was a disaster.

0:26:330:26:36

But nobody was superstitious

0:26:360:26:38

about the Scottish play in Shakespeare's lifetime.

0:26:380:26:40

Name America's biggest fault.

0:26:400:26:42

Donald Trump.

0:26:440:26:45

Now, it's not, is it NOT going to be the San Andreas fault?

0:26:560:27:00

It is NOT the San Andreas, you're absolutely right.

0:27:000:27:04

It is not even the most dangerous fault line in California.

0:27:040:27:07

So here's the thing, California sits across two continental plates,

0:27:070:27:10

the Pacific and the North American.

0:27:100:27:12

There's dozens of fault lines between them.

0:27:120:27:15

And the maximum size of earthquake

0:27:150:27:17

that the San Andreas fault could cause is

0:27:170:27:19

8.2 on the moment magnitude scale.

0:27:190:27:21

The nearby Cascadia Subduction Zone, just off the coast,

0:27:210:27:26

is far more dangerous.

0:27:260:27:28

A huge rupture along it could release an earthquake

0:27:280:27:31

30 times stronger than the San Andreas.

0:27:310:27:33

That is half as large again as the quake

0:27:330:27:36

that caused the Indian Ocean tsunami on Boxing Day in 2004.

0:27:360:27:39

It is a huge thing.

0:27:390:27:41

They estimate a big earthquake would cause a tsunami up to 100 feet high.

0:27:410:27:45

Yikes!

0:27:450:27:46

Yeah, yikes indeed. And that brings me to the matter of the scores.

0:27:460:27:50

Well, my goodness,

0:27:500:27:52

in first place with a magnificent seven points, it's Cariad.

0:27:520:27:55

APPLAUSE

0:27:550:27:58

In second place with minus 26, it's Jerry.

0:28:020:28:04

APPLAUSE

0:28:040:28:06

In third place with minus 36, Matt.

0:28:090:28:12

I'm very proud, thank you.

0:28:140:28:17

And Alan, with a breathtaking minus 56,

0:28:170:28:21

fourth place.

0:28:210:28:23

APPLAUSE

0:28:230:28:27

Our thanks to Jerry, Cariad, Matt and Alan.

0:28:310:28:33

Tonight, I'm going to leave the last word to Jerry.

0:28:330:28:36

Watch this show, or I'll kill my dog.

0:28:360:28:40

LAUGHTER

0:28:400:28:42

Just kidding. Just kidding.

0:28:420:28:45

Take care of yourselves, and each other. Goodnight!

0:28:450:28:49

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:490:28:51