Naval Navigation QI


Naval Navigation

Sandi Toksvig considers some naval navigation matters with Johnny Vegas, Ronni Ancona, Jimmy Carr and Alan Davies.


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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, everybody!

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Aye aye!

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Ahoy and welcome aboard the good ship QI,

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where tonight we'll be splicing each other's timbers,

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hoisting our mainbraces and giving the ship's cat a good kicking

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in the naval navigation show. Let's meet the crew.

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First of all, my old mate Ronni Ancona.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And something of a figurehead, Johnny Vegas.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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A bit of a bottom feeder, Jimmy Carr.

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-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Wow. What?

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One time, one time.

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And Roger the cabin boy, it's Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Let's hear your naval noises. Ronni goes...

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HIGH-PITCHED SHIP'S HOOTER

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Johnny goes...

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LOW-PITCHED SHIP'S HOOTER

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Jimmy goes...

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RASPY SHIP'S HOOTER

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That's Mexican food.

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Alan goes...

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# Yummy, yummy, yummy

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# I got love in my tummy

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# And as silly as it may seem... #

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Yeah, no, I meant N-A-V-A-L, not the other kind of navel.

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First up, a question on nautical names.

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Now, you each have got a hat. Put them on, there we go.

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Sure. I mean, a lot of people would look stupid in this, but me...

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LAUGHTER

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So what I want to know is, as you look round the room,

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how many of you are genuine ship names?

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Banterer, we've got Ronni's Spanker.

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-Spanker?

-Flirt, we've got for Johnny, and Titan Uranus.

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HMS Flirt?

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-Hello, sailor!

-When you said it out loud, then it all made sense.

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Yes, sorry. Tried to be polite.

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Titan Uranus.

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-What do we reckon?

-Spanker's got to be a ship

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out of a Carry On film, hasn't it?

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-Yes.

-Reporting for duty, everyone. Welcome aboard the Spanker!

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Now, hands at the ready.

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Oooh, naughty!

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But I happen to know, because of an naval connection...

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What is your naval connection?

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I think I might have seen it online.

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My brother is an admiral in the Navy.

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Oh, whoa!

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-An admiral?

-And my father was a commander.

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-Your father was a commander in the Navy?

-Yeah.

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-So your brother's done rather better.

-My brother...

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Yes, because he's got that insurance business on the side, hasn't he?

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Yeah, my dad back-doored in through the Merchant Navy.

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Did he? A lot of them do, I've heard.

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LAUGHTER

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I knew that was coming up.

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That will Titan Uranus.

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-If anything, the reverse, I find.

-But...

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You look so innocent and then it says Titan Uranus.

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Isn't that fantastic?

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I could have hours of fun if I went out in this tonight.

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What do you reckon, Johnny? You reckon yours, HMS Flirt,

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do you reckon's the real thing?

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Yeah, I reckon HMS Flirt could be the one.

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-Yeah, could be the...

-The others might have been nicknames.

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Ah, a bit of fun amongst the sailors.

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In fact, Spanker, Banterer and Flirt were all,

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or had been all, ships in the Royal Navy.

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Titan Uranus was... There have been two merchant ships,

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actually, there was an oil tanker and an ore carrier.

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Lots named after animals -

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there has been kangaroo, gnat, weasel, zebra.

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Is the downside to this not the...?

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I mean, obviously the Royal Navy, very proud history,

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but occasionally ships get sunk and people die

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and then you've got to report back.

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"I'm afraid things did not go well, 60 souls lost on Titan Uranus."

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Yeah, well, there are worse ones - Cockchafer.

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That is how a lot of the sailors died.

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And HMS Pansy.

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JIMMY LAUGHS And...

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-Oh, that's fantastic.

-..my favourite, Happy Entrance.

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LAUGHTER

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So, just to say.

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So have a quick look, imagine you are at sea

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and we've got, I don't know, say, HMS Cockchafer coming at you

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in the dark or possibly going away from you in the dark, OK?

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Can you tell which one it is?

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Coming towards you or going away?

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Well, green towards you, red away?

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Erm, not quite.

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Anybody? Your brother's an admiral, for goodness' sake!

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-I know, I know!

-Is one port and the other starboard?

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One is port and one is starboard, yes.

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-Do you know which is which?

-No.

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-It's quite good to know.

-Does anyone know?

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-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Red is port.

-Red is port, red is port.

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Yes. Yeah, I could've told you that. OK...

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That's how you remember, like, port is red.

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And green is...sherry?

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Green is starboard. And what you say is green to green, red to red,

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perfect safety, go ahead.

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So what you would know from this is that the boat is coming towards you,

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and that would be important information to have

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-when you're at sea.

-Oh, hang on!

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-I definitely would have crashed into that.

-Yeah.

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There is one of my favourite books of all time that you could read

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to avoid this happening.

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It was published in 1992 and it is called How To Avoid Huge Ships.

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LAUGHTER

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-RONNI:

-That's brilliant! That is so brilliant.

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And who was this sold to? Small islands?

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It went through several editions.

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What worries me is that they may have left stuff out

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in the first edition and then gone,

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"Oh, that was the other thing I meant to put in."

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It's ranked as the third oddest book title of all time.

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Oh, go on, what are the other two?

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The second, number two -

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Greek Rural Postmen And Their Cancellation Numbers.

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LAUGHTER

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Yeah, the one about the urban postmen I found a bit ehhh.

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Who's that bothered?

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This is my favourite, number one, oddest book title of all time -

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People Who Don't Know They're Dead,

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How They Attach Themselves To Unsuspecting Bystanders

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And What To Do About It.

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LAUGHTER

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Put your hats away, please.

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Right, time for some salty language now.

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Complete the nautical rhyme.

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"A pig on the knee..."

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A pig on the knee, I'm a Tory MP?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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So, a pig on the knee is actually safety at sea.

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Safety at sea, that old favourite.

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The next one is, a cock on the right...

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Transgender surgery doesn't always go right.

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Put out the lights.

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-Put out the lights?

-Don't take flight.

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No. A cock on the right...

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The parish priest is strolling tonight.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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That's poetry from you, Johnny.

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I wonder if there are more

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individual groups of society we can offend?

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-Cock on the right, never lose a fight it is.

-Never lose a fight.

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So, it was superstitious sailors.

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They used to get tattoos of a pig on the left knee and a rooster,

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or a cock, on the right foot.

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So, pig on the knee, safety at sea.

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A cock on the right, never lose a fight.

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Because the idea was that pigs and cockerels were kept in crates

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on the ships, and when the ships sank, the crates floated,

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and the animals were associated with surviving shipwrecks.

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I heard that because a pig and a cock can't swim,

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so God would look at you benevolently

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-and say, "I will take pity on you."

-"I'll save them."

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-Can pigs not swim?

-But that's what...

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Also, I'd heard that as well.

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-I think famously pigs can't fly.

-Yeah.

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That's the one. You're thinking of the Royal Air Force.

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They're full of salt. Surely that bobs, doesn't it, salt?

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It's going to be a struggle. When I took my baby swimming

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for the first time, I strapped two pigs to his hands.

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And I'm banned from the local swimming pool.

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-For bringing your own food in.

-Yeah.

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Two packs of bacon on here.

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Chuck him in, he'll be fine!

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God is smiling on him.

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Lots of great women, tattooed ladies.

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Nora Hildebrandt, she was America's very first

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professional tattooed lady.

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This is a wonderful drawing by my friend Sandy Nightingale

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of Nora Hildebrandt. Doesn't she look fab?

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She had 365 designs tattooed on her.

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She claimed she had been captured by Sitting Bull and his tribe

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and tied to a tree and tattooed every day for a year,

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but, in fact, her dad did it.

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-Slightly, it's a weirder story.

-I think she may have been trying to

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detract from men staring at her nose.

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She was likely his showcase, as it were, his window display,

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to say, "These are the ones I can do."

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Thank God he didn't own a garage,

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or he would have just glued car parts to her.

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-Yes.

-She would have looked like a Transformer.

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How creepy is that? You walk into a tattooist's, say,

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"I'm thinking about getting a tattoo," and he goes,

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"Well, just look at my daughter for a while.

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-"Pick anything you want."

-Yeah.

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"O...OK..."

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When you have a tattoo lasered off, what happens to it?

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-Do you know where it goes?

-To heaven.

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They can't recycle them, can they?

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No. They don't scrape them off and give them to somebody else.

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What happens to them? We laser off a tattoo, what...?

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-It goes into your body.

-Yes, exactly right.

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The beams of light heat the ink and breaks it down into little pieces.

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It's absorbed into the blood and it is excreted.

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So it comes out in your poo.

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So, you see it in your poo and you go, "That's what I really wanted!"

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Yeah, so if you loved somebody once...

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-A tattoo poo.

-Yeah, you can poo them away, basically.

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If it came out in the wee, you'd stand there going, "I'm an octopus!"

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I now understand why boys make such a mess in the toilet,

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because they're not holding on.

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-Here's a naval question you'll know, if your brother's an admiral.

-Yes.

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Why is the Navy salute different to the Army salute?

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And you know how it's different?

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Er...

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-It is...

-The Navy one's more of a, "Cooee!"

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"Hello, sailor!"

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-This?

-That's right, that's the Navy.

-That's the Navy.

-And the Army?

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Is like that, exactly right. Do you know why?

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It's because Benny Hill wasn't in the Navy?

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Because their hands were covered in grease and Queen Victoria

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didn't like it, so she made them, instead of standing like that,

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she made them stand like that

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so she couldn't see how dirty their hands were.

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So they were meeting the Queen? "Shall we wash our hands?"

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"No, it's only the Queen coming aboard, don't worry about it."

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There's a lot of weird Navy things.

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They toast the Queen sitting down, the Navy, they don't stand up.

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They're the only services that are allowed to do that.

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I'm not sure why - it was either William IV or Charles II,

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and he was coming back to England,

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and he stood up during the toast and he bumped his head on a beam,

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and he announced from then on the Navy would sit down when drinking.

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And so now they do, toasting the king and queen.

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They've got all sorts of very interesting language.

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-Jack Tar speak.

-It's a bit rude, but the term for

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premature ejaculation is getting off at Fratton,

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because Fratton is the train station two before Portsmouth.

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LAUGHTER

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Which is your final destination, really.

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Two before, so what's the station just one before?

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Because sometimes it's not that bad.

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Sometimes I fall asleep at the station and I'm there for ages.

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That's almost too much information for me, really.

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I go to Portsmouth all the time. I shall look at Fratton with new eyes.

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Do you? Ooh!

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-I do, yes.

-Same here, same here, yeah.

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What, go to Portsmouth?

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Oh, no, I thought we were talking about Fratton. Sorry.

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I'm so sorry!

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For some sailors, tattoos were thought to be a real life-saver.

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Now, what are these men looking at?

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Their feet.

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-No, something higher up.

-Their genitalia.

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-It's higher than that.

-Their navels, they're navel-gazing.

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Yes. They're engaged in omphaloskepsis, or navel-gazing.

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So, the Greek for navel is omphalos,

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and apparently it's an aid to meditation.

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It doesn't look like what they're doing, does it?

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But in some yoga practices, it's regarded as an aid to meditation.

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It looks like they're thinking,

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"These pills I bought on the internet are not working.

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"I've been bloody ripped off, haven't I?"

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You can never quite capture in a statue someone crying.

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-That's true, that's true.

-And going, "Why me, God, why me?"

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After having a couple of kids, I tell you, it's not meditative.

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I just see blind panic when I look at mine.

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We should all possibly panic when we look at our navels,

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because the average human navel has about 50 species of bacteria in it.

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That's one's got a peanut in it.

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Never mind bacteria, that's a whole peanut.

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They're very varied, aren't they?

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-Yeah.

-Belly buttons.

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An innie, an outie, and a kind of natural horizon.

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Honestly, if you combine it with my man-breasts,

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whenever I take my top off,

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it looks like my midriff has been rejected for a loan.

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LAUGHTER

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It looks so depressed,

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like it's filled out all the forms and everything.

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But if you stand on your hands, does it look like it's got the loan?

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Yeah, I can turn upside down and it looks like it's in tax exile.

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Mine's got real passion.

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It's got more range than this has.

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Do you know why there are innies or outies?

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Do you know what the reason is?

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It's just where they tie it off, isn't it?

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No, it's nothing to do with that at all.

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So, after birth, the umbilical cord is cut to, whatever it is,

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an inch or two from the newborn's belly,

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and then it dries up and falls off as the muscles close up.

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And the navel is just the scar left, basically,

0:13:540:13:56

from the base of the cord.

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And usually it ends up slightly retracted,

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but sometimes a bit of extra skin stays, that's all,

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and it makes it stick out or the muscles don't close off,

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and you're left with a little tiny protruding hernia.

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That one's got a hand growing out of it.

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LAUGHTER

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A bloody disaster, that.

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It is amazing, they can remove your kidney,

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your gall bladder through the navel, now.

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They don't have even any scarring.

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They've got to ask, though, haven't they?

0:14:200:14:22

They do have to ask, yeah.

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They'll do you a tattoo of a little door.

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It beats waking up in a bath on holiday

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with all that ice around you.

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"Not again!"

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They can do everything now,

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-they can turn you inside out through your navel.

-Can they?

-Yeah.

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-JOHNNY:

-How can they turn you inside out?

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Just put your hand... It's like a duvet cover.

0:14:440:14:47

LAUGHTER

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My mum has got some loose skin at the back.

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Next time she's holding drinks, I'm going to try the...

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"My mum's got some loose skin at the back."

0:14:590:15:01

Well, I'm sure she's watching this, proud as ever.

0:15:010:15:06

"Oh, my Johnny's on television this evening, so proud of that boy."

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Her phone's already ringing off the hook.

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"What's this about loose skin on your back?

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"It's the talk of the street!"

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It's the only work I do that the girls from bingo watch.

0:15:190:15:21

But imagine if she were still holding the tray of drinks.

0:15:210:15:24

And suddenly looking ten years younger.

0:15:280:15:31

Contemplating your navel can bring you both innie and outie piece.

0:15:320:15:36

That's nice, isn't it? AUDIENCE GROANS

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All right, back off!

0:15:390:15:40

-When I get angry...

-LAUGHTER

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What am I an inch and a half taller than?

0:15:430:15:45

-I'm five foot tall.

-The cast of Time Bandits.

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Kylie Minogue. She's 4' 11", isn't she?

0:15:530:15:56

-She is tiny.

-You were an inch and a half -

0:15:560:15:58

God rest his soul - smaller than Ronnie Corbett.

0:15:580:16:02

Yes, Ronnie...

0:16:020:16:03

-He was 5' 1.5".

-..Ronnie Corbett and I worked together often.

0:16:030:16:06

I remember playing golf with Ronnie, and he said,

0:16:060:16:09

"Dear God, darling, from a distance we must look like a condiment set."

0:16:090:16:12

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:16:120:16:15

I pay tribute to him, one of the funniest men I ever worked with.

0:16:190:16:22

-A delight.

-Is it a naval thing, anything to do with naval...?

0:16:220:16:25

It is about exploration, it's about travel,

0:16:250:16:27

but it's about travel in a different direction, away from...

0:16:270:16:30

-Is it roller-coasters?

-Space.

-Space, yes, it's space.

0:16:300:16:32

Yes, it's the minimum height for Nasa. You need to be 4' 10.5".

0:16:320:16:36

And the maximum is 6' 4".

0:16:360:16:38

Basically, you need to be tall enough to reach the controls,

0:16:380:16:40

and not too tall to fit in the seat.

0:16:400:16:42

The weird thing is that in space... I'd quite like to go,

0:16:420:16:45

because you grow two inches because of the lack of gravity.

0:16:450:16:48

So you would go into space and exceed the height limit,

0:16:480:16:50

if you started out at 6' 4"...

0:16:500:16:52

LAUGHTER

0:16:520:16:55

APPLAUSE

0:16:590:17:01

Surely it all comes crashing down once you land?

0:17:100:17:13

As you're getting nearer and nearer the Earth...

0:17:130:17:15

Yeah, but what if you're up in space,

0:17:180:17:20

you're up in space and then they suddenly tell you

0:17:200:17:22

-you're too tall?

-Well, when astronaut Scott Kelly

0:17:220:17:24

came back from the International Space Station,

0:17:240:17:27

he had a twin brother. They had been the same height when he left,

0:17:270:17:29

and he was two inches taller than his brother when he got back.

0:17:290:17:31

Once you get back to Earth, you shrink back pretty quickly.

0:17:310:17:34

And the other thing... See, this would be very good,

0:17:340:17:36

you'd like this, Johnny - it's very good for your figure, OK?

0:17:360:17:39

Why would that be good for me, Sandi?

0:17:390:17:41

-I'm dying to know.

-Because your chest and navel might get a loan.

0:17:430:17:47

What happens is, in space, the internal organs move up

0:17:490:17:52

inside the torso, so your waist shrinks by several inches.

0:17:520:17:55

So on Earth, for example, the human leg muscles,

0:17:550:17:57

they pump blood into the upper body against gravity, but in space,

0:17:570:18:01

no gravity, so the blood and fluids get pumped upwards,

0:18:010:18:03

and you get this buffed-up torso.

0:18:030:18:05

Can you get breasts that sit above your clavicle, Sandi?

0:18:050:18:07

-That would be great.

-You sound like that's something that people want.

0:18:070:18:11

They go, "Oh!"

0:18:110:18:13

You could eat a pizza and keep it there for two weeks.

0:18:130:18:16

If you've just got bad acid indigestion, you could do that.

0:18:190:18:22

I'm used to reflux.

0:18:220:18:24

I'd quite like to see you in space, it'd be great.

0:18:240:18:26

-Would you like to go?

-I would love to go.

0:18:260:18:28

I wish they could send some poets and some artists up there,

0:18:280:18:30

so we can get a bit more of an idea of what it actually...

0:18:300:18:33

Because if you see anyone interviewed, they go,

0:18:330:18:35

"Yeah, it's very nice."

0:18:350:18:37

If they sent Will Self, do a video diary.

0:18:370:18:40

"The majestic splendour of Earth...

0:18:430:18:44

"..is a little disappointing."

0:18:460:18:48

"14 days without a cigarette now."

0:18:490:18:52

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:18:520:18:55

The minimum height for a Nasa astronaut is 4' 10.5",

0:18:590:19:02

so hope for me yet.

0:19:020:19:04

Now it's time for us to pull out at the bungs and immerse ourselves

0:19:040:19:07

in the murky waters of general ignorance,

0:19:070:19:09

so fingers on buzzers, please.

0:19:090:19:11

What is the fastest swimming stroke?

0:19:120:19:16

-RASPY HONK Jimmy.

-Dolphin.

0:19:160:19:19

Well, dolphins are jolly quick,

0:19:190:19:21

but even they can't do this stroke.

0:19:210:19:23

But they could probably beat whoever's doing it.

0:19:230:19:25

What they can do, which we can't do,

0:19:250:19:27

we create a bow wave when we're swimming

0:19:270:19:29

and dolphins are able to leap over it, so there's no water resistance.

0:19:290:19:32

So, points for that then. 100% right.

0:19:320:19:34

No. It isn't the fastest swimming stroke.

0:19:340:19:37

Are we looking for a human stroke?

0:19:370:19:39

It is a stroke that humans can do, but we got it from somewhere else.

0:19:390:19:43

-The butterfly.

-Oh, I like that we got it for the butterfly.

0:19:430:19:46

I like that.

0:19:460:19:49

The backstroke.

0:19:490:19:50

No, it's not the butterfly, it's not the crawl.

0:19:500:19:53

-Doggy paddle!

-The tumble turn.

0:19:530:19:55

When they turn, and then they swim, do you know what they do then?

0:19:550:19:58

Oh, that sort of wiggling underwater bit?

0:19:580:20:00

The wiggling underwater thing, it's called the fish kick.

0:20:000:20:03

You know what else they call it? They call it "the dolphin".

0:20:030:20:06

Because that's exactly what a dolphin does.

0:20:060:20:09

Literally points, cos, I mean, that is a dolphin.

0:20:090:20:11

-He's doing the dolphin.

-In Jimmy's defence, they don't wear Speedos,

0:20:110:20:14

-but they look very similar.

-They do look very similar.

0:20:140:20:17

You're only allowed to swim underwater for the first 15m,

0:20:170:20:20

so that's why people don't do it in competitive swimming.

0:20:200:20:22

Now, what did Highland warriors wear at the Battle of Bannockburn?

0:20:220:20:27

Kilts.

0:20:270:20:28

No, not kilts, no.

0:20:290:20:31

-Here's a random Scandinavian fact.

-Oh, OK.

0:20:330:20:35

The word kilt comes from the Danish word kilte, meaning tuck.

0:20:350:20:40

-So it's actually a Danish word.

-Oh!

0:20:400:20:41

Yes, that's rather fine.

0:20:410:20:42

But medieval Scottish warriors did not wear kilts

0:20:420:20:45

when they went into battle. What did they wear, anybody know?

0:20:450:20:47

-Dungarees.

-Pantaloons!

-It was a yellow tunic.

0:20:470:20:50

A yellow tunic?!

0:20:500:20:51

A yellow tunic, called a leine croich.

0:20:510:20:53

I love the bloke on the left's got one of those

0:20:530:20:55

umbrella hats from the fair.

0:20:550:20:57

Yes, they're rather fine, aren't they?

0:20:570:20:58

He's trying to knock it off.

0:20:580:21:00

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"That's a stupid hat!"

0:21:000:21:02

"It's not even raining!"

0:21:050:21:07

What was weird, they used saffron to make them yellow.

0:21:090:21:11

But if they didn't have saffron, they used to use...

0:21:110:21:13

-Urine!

-Yes.

0:21:130:21:15

-Horse urine.

-Very keen on the yellow, then.

0:21:150:21:17

"Pish-stained tunic."

0:21:170:21:19

Urine was in all the tweeds as well,

0:21:190:21:20

because they used to use it to fix the colours of the tweeds.

0:21:200:21:23

Yeah, but still, you know,

0:21:230:21:24

"Can we not make it green from the grass?"

0:21:240:21:26

"No, keep on pissing on it."

0:21:260:21:28

That horse has got the hots for the painter.

0:21:300:21:34

Yeah, he's looking right at him, isn't he?

0:21:340:21:36

"Hello. Are you getting my best side?

0:21:360:21:40

"Don't paint the twat in the umbrella hat, for God's sake."

0:21:400:21:43

We do have an image, don't we, of the kilt being part of the attire?

0:21:430:21:47

-Very much so.

-But, in fact,

0:21:470:21:48

it was invented for a totally different reason, it was...

0:21:480:21:51

Invented for weddings. They're always in weddings.

0:21:510:21:53

-No, it was...

-Sometimes you can have too much material for a kilt.

0:21:530:21:57

"Just wrap it round here, don't worry about it."

0:21:590:22:01

"One day they'll invent scissors."

0:22:010:22:03

It was actually invented in the 1720s by an English Quaker

0:22:050:22:08

and industrialist, a man called Thomas Rawlinson,

0:22:080:22:10

and he wanted a safer item of clothing for his employees,

0:22:100:22:13

his Scottish employees, in his iron foundry.

0:22:130:22:15

Can I suggest you don't go north of the border and mention that fact?

0:22:150:22:20

Well, the word tartan comes from Middle French -

0:22:200:22:22

they won't like any of it, really.

0:22:220:22:24

The word kilt is Danish - none of it's good.

0:22:240:22:26

Did he have a shop for tourists in Edinburgh?

0:22:260:22:28

Was that why he was secretly...?

0:22:280:22:30

Have you ever been in one of those shops that says,

0:22:300:22:32

"We can find the tartan for any surname"?

0:22:320:22:34

-Oh, yeah.

-Apparently not.

0:22:340:22:36

Sorry, can you explain what you're wearing?

0:22:390:22:41

Ah, yes, the great Danish Toksvig tartan!

0:22:410:22:45

If you're so hungry you could eat a kilt, don't eat the yellow ones,

0:22:450:22:48

that's the advice.

0:22:480:22:49

Name a cold-blooded creature.

0:22:490:22:52

Lizard.

0:22:520:22:53

So, there are some, yes, but there are also...

0:22:590:23:03

That's why they like the sun to warm up.

0:23:030:23:05

-We've had it on here before, I learnt that on here!

-Yes.

0:23:050:23:08

LAUGHTER

0:23:080:23:10

He's spent ten years doing this show

0:23:100:23:12

for pieces of information like that!

0:23:120:23:14

-But I've arrived with new information!

-Oh, no!

0:23:140:23:17

Simon Cowell.

0:23:170:23:18

There are in fact warm-blooded lizards,

0:23:210:23:23

and indeed warm-blooded fish.

0:23:230:23:24

Almost all reptiles, you're right.

0:23:240:23:26

-That's a horrible picture.

-It's not a good one, no.

0:23:260:23:28

That is a yacare caiman eating a catfish.

0:23:280:23:32

Or a catfish eating the caiman's tongue.

0:23:320:23:34

Almost all reptiles and fish are cold-blooded,

0:23:360:23:38

so they depend on their surroundings to heat them up.

0:23:380:23:40

However, in 2015, we have just new news -

0:23:400:23:43

scientists have discovered warm-blooded lizards and fish.

0:23:430:23:47

-Argh!

-I know.

0:23:470:23:48

So that lizard there, on the left,

0:23:480:23:49

can heat itself up to ten degrees warmer than its environment

0:23:490:23:53

and nobody knows why.

0:23:530:23:55

And they both live together?

0:23:550:23:57

No, they don't.

0:23:570:23:58

They look surprised, the fish looks very surprised.

0:23:590:24:02

It's called an opah fish.

0:24:020:24:03

It's the only completely warm-blooded fish.

0:24:030:24:05

How is it the only one?

0:24:050:24:07

Is it just really awkward?

0:24:070:24:08

I'm sorry, how do you become the only fish that's warm-blooded

0:24:100:24:14

out of a whole...?

0:24:140:24:15

Or did it just have an overbearing mum who made it

0:24:150:24:17

a hot-water bottle and it just ate it and had an idea?

0:24:170:24:21

It's a really good question,

0:24:210:24:22

because the fact is we don't know how warm-bloodedness evolved.

0:24:220:24:26

Ate a hot-water bottle!

0:24:260:24:27

Looks like a hot-water bottle shape.

0:24:290:24:31

What's more prevalent, post the wipe-out of the dinosaurs?

0:24:310:24:34

Isn't there a theory they died

0:24:340:24:36

because of the change in temperature?

0:24:360:24:38

The thing is, dinosaurs were neither

0:24:380:24:39

warm-blooded nor cold-blooded, they were somewhere in between.

0:24:390:24:42

-There were just right, weren't they?

-They were just right!

0:24:420:24:44

They had lovely Goldilocks blood.

0:24:440:24:47

Because there are disadvantages to being warm-blooded, OK?

0:24:470:24:50

Because one of the things is you have to keep eating to get fuel

0:24:500:24:53

to maintain the constant body temperature.

0:24:530:24:55

So if, for example, a lion was as big as a Tyrannosaurus rex,

0:24:550:24:58

it probably wouldn't be able to eat enough to survive.

0:24:580:25:00

Isn't there a theory on the dinosaurs

0:25:000:25:02

where they died out because over a certain temperature

0:25:020:25:06

all the eggs hatched as male,

0:25:060:25:07

and below a certain temperature they all hatched as female,

0:25:070:25:10

and then the temperature went down and they all hatched as female,

0:25:100:25:13

and then there were no more... no-one to mate with?

0:25:130:25:15

Well, there are many theories about how the dinosaurs...

0:25:150:25:18

But that's the correct one.

0:25:180:25:20

The one that I can vaguely remember, I'm 90% sure it's 100% correct.

0:25:200:25:23

There's someone who's never watched King Kong.

0:25:230:25:26

Massive gorilla, mate. Twatted all of them.

0:25:290:25:31

LAUGHTER

0:25:310:25:35

Well, that's spoilt the end of that film. Now...

0:25:350:25:37

What was the name of the village where Napoleon was defeated in 1815?

0:25:380:25:44

-Ah...

-Ah...

0:25:440:25:45

Definitely was, I mean, 100%.

0:25:450:25:48

-RASPY HONK

-It was Waterloo.

0:25:480:25:50

-No.

-It was!

0:25:500:25:52

-It definitely was.

-It wasn't.

-No.

-Well...

0:25:520:25:55

The Battle of Waterloo did not take place at Waterloo.

0:25:550:25:58

It is called that because it's where the Duke of Wellington

0:25:580:26:01

stayed the night after the battle,

0:26:010:26:02

and it's where he wrote to his superiors about the battle.

0:26:020:26:05

But in fact, most of the battle happened a few miles away

0:26:050:26:08

in the municipalities of Braine-l'Alleud and Lasne.

0:26:080:26:12

You'd be really pissed off if you were a little village

0:26:120:26:15

or a little town and your claim to fame was a massive victory,

0:26:150:26:18

and you have to spend all the time going, "No, it was here, with us."

0:26:180:26:22

-It's a few miles up...

-I'm going to write to ABBA now.

0:26:220:26:25

What should the song be called? What should it be called?

0:26:250:26:28

The municipality of Braine-l'Alleud and Lasne.

0:26:280:26:30

That's bit difficult to rhyme, but OK.

0:26:300:26:32

-Yeah.

-Municipality...

-Yeah.

0:26:320:26:34

-That's going to ruin "Mamma Mia!", but fine, have it your way.

-I know.

0:26:340:26:38

The Battle of Waterloo didn't happen in Waterloo.

0:26:380:26:40

And, finally, who wore the trousers in Britain in the 18th century?

0:26:400:26:43

No-one.

0:26:430:26:45

Somebody did. One class of person.

0:26:450:26:48

Where have we been from the beginning?

0:26:480:26:50

-The sailors.

-Oh, sailor!

-The sailors, absolutely right.

0:26:500:26:53

It was only sailors. Men wore britches and women wore skirts.

0:26:530:26:57

And trousers were specifically defined

0:26:570:26:59

in a 1718 nautical dictionary as a sort of loose britches of canvas,

0:26:590:27:04

worn by common sailors.

0:27:040:27:05

So what about your officer class?

0:27:050:27:07

-They'd have britches, wouldn't they?

-They'd have britches on, yes.

0:27:070:27:10

In fact, the Duke of Wellington was once thrown out of a club

0:27:100:27:12

-for wearing trousers.

-All been there, eh, Johnny?

0:27:120:27:15

LAUGHTER

0:27:150:27:18

"Why are you throwing me out?" "Because of your trousers!"

0:27:190:27:21

In the 18th century, the only people who wore trousers

0:27:210:27:24

were jolly Jack Tars.

0:27:240:27:25

And that's your lot for tonight - time to settle the old scores.

0:27:250:27:28

Well, it's an outright win.

0:27:280:27:30

With a magnificent seven points, it's Ronni.

0:27:300:27:33

Did I win?!

0:27:330:27:35

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:350:27:37

In second place, and I'm very surprised,

0:27:390:27:41

because he had winner written all over him, but with one point,

0:27:410:27:43

it's Johnny.

0:27:430:27:45

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:450:27:47

In third place, with -2, it's Jimmy.

0:27:520:27:55

-2. What was the point?

0:27:550:27:58

What was the point of that?

0:27:580:28:00

And an epic fail, -36, Alan.

0:28:000:28:03

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:030:28:05

That brings us to the end of our naval adventures.

0:28:120:28:15

Thanks to Ronni, Jimmy, Johnny and Alan.

0:28:150:28:17

And I leave you with this nautical headline

0:28:170:28:20

from the Western Daily Press -

0:28:200:28:21

"Fish rescued from a large pool of water."

0:28:210:28:24

LAUGHTER

0:28:260:28:28

Goodnight.

0:28:280:28:30

APPLAUSE

0:28:300:28:32

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