New QI


New

Quiz show. Sandi Toksvig finds out what's new with Jo Brand, Clive Anderson, Jimmy Carr and Alan Davies.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello! Thank you very much!

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Hello, and welcome to QI, where tonight everything is new.

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Please welcome the new faces.

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New kid on the block, it's Jimmy Carr.

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APPLAUSE

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The new-fangled Clive Anderson.

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-APPLAUSE

-Oh, thank you.

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The brand-new Jo Brand.

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APPLAUSE

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And the ruddy nuisance Alan Davies.

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APPLAUSE

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Let's hear your news.

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Jimmy goes...

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# New York, New York. #

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Clive goes...

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# Happy New Year Happy New Year. #

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Jo goes...

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# Poppa's got a brand-new bag. #

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And Alan goes...

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# You won't find another fool like me. #

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The New Seekers.

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-So much better than the old seekers.

-Absolutely.

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So, a nice easy one to start with.

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What is this island called?

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Newfoundland.

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No.

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I'm going to have to shoot you now.

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Eh, no.

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It isn't the correct pronunciation.

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NOOf'nd-lund.

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Hey, hey, hey, enough violence on this show.

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Noof'nd-LAND is the correct pronunciation

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and in 1876 a man was killed

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during a brawl over the correct pronunciation.

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Well, we were lucky, weren't we? We got off lightly.

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It was two mill workers, William Atchison and John Davis.

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One thought it was NewFOUNDland and one thought it was NewfoundLAND.

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Atchison threw a punch, Davis drew his gun and killed Atchison.

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He got away, Davis, and he spent 37 years on the run,

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so it's a really...

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-Davies?

-Yes, Davis.

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Any relation?

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-Possibly.

-John Davis.

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-Dangerous man.

-I have a great uncle who emigrated to Canada.

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-Did he go to NewfoundLAND?

-Noof-ndLAND.

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I think he went to Quebec, actually.

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Noof'ndLAND.

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-And you inherited your shirt from him?

-Yes.

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Anyway, just to finish this story, Davis, who killed Atchison,

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he ran away for 37 years and then, on his deathbed, 1912,

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he's in a hospital in Peoria in Illinois and he felt so bad about it

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that he confesses on his deathbed

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and then recovered and had to go on the run again.

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I think he said, "I did that murder in NEWfoundland."

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"No, it's NewFOUNDland."

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Actually, both men were right, because at the time,

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both pronunciations were perfectly acceptable.

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It's only fairly recently that people have got a bit...

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What's it now? Without looking.

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-Noof'ndLAND.

-Noof'ndLAND.

-Noof'ndLAND.

-OK.

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Presumably if people are watching this in Newfoundland,

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they're shouting at the television.

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-Yes, they probably are.

-They're all idiots.

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Some fantastic names in Newfoundland.

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Conception Bay South is the second-largest town.

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Conception Bay South is, yeah...

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Conception Bay South, maybe there's a North.

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That's what I call it, she doesn't like it.

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She thinks it's too formal.

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Come on love, let's have a look at Conception Bay South.

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I bought you dinner, we saw the movie you wanted, come on.

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Before moving on to Conception Bay North, I suppose.

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Well, that's a special treat for birthdays.

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-It's possible...

-Which way up is she? Hang on.

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It's possible that a girl may prefer the Newfoundland town of Dildo.

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Or Eastern Tickle.

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-Which I like very much.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

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-Thanks for sharing.

-Not bad for me age.

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Newfoundland, what's interesting about it,

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the very first part of the British Empire, 1583.

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It's the very first bit of England's first overseas territory,

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Sir Humphrey Gilbert claimed Newfoundland in 1583.

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Now, here is a chance for some easy points.

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When Europeans first arrived in New York, what did they call it?

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PAPA'S GOT A BRAND NEW BAG PLAYS

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-Jo.

-New Amsterdam.

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KLAXON

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But it's an Elvis Costello song, it must be right.

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And that's why I said it.

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I think either the Spanish or the French were there first,

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so it was either New Madrid or New Paris or nouvelle

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cuisine or something like that.

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It was the French and it was New Angouleme.

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Well, there you go.

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It was Giovanni da Verrazzano who first named it.

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A Florentine working for the French crown and he absolutely wanted to

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favour the French king.

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Francis I, who was originally Francis of Angouleme,

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that's where he came from.

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He must have been very pleased when he got there

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that he could buy a stick of rock to take home.

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It's got New Angouleme all the way through it.

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The weird thing about him, Verrazzano,

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there's loads of things in New York named after him

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and every single sign has his name misspelled.

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It's supposed to be double Z.

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And nobody quite knows whether they didn't have enough Zs in the

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sign-making department.

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They've misspelled park way and bridge as well,

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so they're obviously not very good.

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-So, here's a fact about New York...

-Go.

-..which is quite interesting.

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Gotham, I think I know the history of Gotham.

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Because, it's a small village outside Nottingham.

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Where local idiots would live

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and someone wrote this book called The Merry Men Of Gotham.

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So, then, about 100 years later,

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there's a writer in New York and he compares New York,

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he says they're all mad here, it's like Gotham City here.

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-Ah, OK.

-They're all idiots.

-I didn't know that.

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Do you know why it's called Manhattan?

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Is that a local Amerindian name?

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It's a native Lenape American... It's actually quite a nice story.

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So, 1609, Henry Hudson met a group of native Lenape Americans

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and they were fishing and he offered them alcohol,

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for the very first time, and there was a warrior

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who swallowed the whole lot to test it and passed out

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and everybody thought this is marvellous, and he then brought more

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alcohol and they ended up getting fantastically drunk together

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and the word, the native Lenape word, Manahactanienk,

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means "the place we all got drunk".

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I think the story is that it was also one of those places

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that was sold for a few beads and so a few beads

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were handed over and the Indians took those.

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But they had the last laugh because they weren't even from that local area.

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-They weren't from that area.

-They didn't even own the place in the first place.

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They just took the beads and said "Thanks, OK, good luck with that."

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Here is something that was fantastically new in New York

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in 1909 at Coney Island, which is a glorious place to hang out.

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They ought to bring this back, because it's a really fantastic thing.

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This is one stretch of track running multiple trains and if the two meet

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while travelling in opposite directions,

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so the passengers are in the lower part, I think you can just see,

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it goes up over the top.

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I think you can just see the arms of some of the passengers and it carries on.

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I'm sorry, but that's like a very well engineered train crash.

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They should have that on the Northern Line, that'd be fantastic.

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I think it's absolutely brilliant, I love that.

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Yes, indeed, New York was originally New Angouleme.

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Where would you find the most pyramids in the world?

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PAPA'S GOT A BRAND NEW BAG PLAYS

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-Yes.

-Egypt, fuck it.

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KLAXON

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I'm sure I've heard Mexico,

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but I bet that's wrong as well, isn't it?

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-KLAXON

-Yes.

-Yes, Mexico.

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In the spirit of... I've seen one. I've seen one in Las Vegas.

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Yes, there is one in Las Vegas.

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-Let's go for it.

-# New York. #

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-Switzerland.

-Yes. Let's try Switzerland.

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-Switzerland's...

-PERSON LAUGHS LOUDLY

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That's so sweet. One man appreciates you.

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So, wait a minute, so Jo, Alan and I have all been penalised,

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but you come out ahead by saying Switzerland.

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-Brilliant.

-Is it the United States?

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-Are there more pyramids in the United States?

-No, it's nearer to Egypt.

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Libya? Algeria? Tunisia?

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It is... You've got it, you're in the right part of the world.

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-Sudan?

-It is Sudan, absolutely right.

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In fact, bizarrely, this is a photograph I took myself

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of the Sudanese pyramids. There's about...

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You do your preparation for this show, don't you?

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Sorry, what is the travel budget for this show?

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Where's the licence fee money going? Hang on.

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You went all the way over there to take this photo?

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I made a long documentary about Sudan and I'd really recommend this,

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because you go and there is nobody there.

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-It is amazing.

-The massive civil war could be part of the reason.

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Yeah. I did go... LAUGHTER

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I did go before the civil war.

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In Egypt, between 118 and 138, in Sudan there are about 220.

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They're all in the Meroe area.

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This was ancient Nubia and you can climb them, you can go inside.

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There's fantastic writing, they had the Meroitic handwriting.

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-Incredible carvings.

-Are they houses, these ones, or are they burial things?

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No, they're burial things and what's really interesting about them,

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the Egyptians' were clearly for the pharaohs and for the great and the good,

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they were much more of a meritocracy, and so you get not such wealthy people

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who had pyramids of their own, and what you can't see here is there

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was an entire civilisation.

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From the air, you can see the irrigation of tens of thousands of people

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living there and then completely destroyed.

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Now, on to nudity, newlyweds and New England.

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Who got married in the Emperor's new clothes?

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Oh, that is a fabulous wedding.

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-The Emperor.

-I want it to be that.

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He doesn't do very much in the story, he just parades around.

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He's a bit of an idiot, isn't he?

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-I think that's the point of the story.

-I believe it is.

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The thing I like about that story is that two swindlers come,

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and this idea that there were swindlers who would go

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from town to town swindling people.

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And that's sort of died out, really, hasn't it?

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-Social media's killed the swindling industry.

-It has.

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-Have you never had the e-mails?

-Do you get many e-mails? Yeah.

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-The swindlers are online.

-You can trust everybody now.

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There was a period of time when people got married naked in New England.

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The 1700s. Why might they do that?

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- Was it to do with witches? - To prove you were a women.

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It's not to do with witches and not to prove that you're a woman.

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Do you know there's still a thing with Popes?

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-The chair.

-Where they have to carry the chair over the Cardinals

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to check if they had a female Pope,

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which is obviously a disaster.

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They carry him over the top so they can check out his junk.

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Sadly, it's a myth, unfortunately.

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-It's a myth?

-It's a want it to be.

-Do you know what, this is my issue with QI,

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you say it's a myth, but I've heard it in a pub.

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I'm pretty sure that's the case. Fact.

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So look, the bridegroom and the bride are both naked?

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-No, just the bride.

-Is it to do with the Bible?

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It isn't to do with the Bible. It's to do with debt.

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They were known as smock marriages,

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sometimes just in their underwear,

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and if the bride clearly has no assets,

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if she's got nothing, then the groom is not liable for her debts or,

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more importantly, if she's a widow, for her husband's debts.

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-Wow.

-They didn't have to be visible, they just had to be naked.

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So, there's a wonderful wedding that's talked about, February 1789,

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a man called Major Moses Joy

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and he married a widow called Hannah Ward

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and she was starkers inside a closet

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and basically she reached her arm through a hole in the door

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to clasp his hand and then they got married

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and then he'd left some clothes very nicely for her in the cupboard and then she came out fully dressed.

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That's a bit like if a tree falls in a forest.

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If you're naked and nobody can see you...

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-It doesn't really count, does it?

-You don't need to be naked, do you?

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I'm sure Lady Gaga would argue she was wearing a wardrobe.

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Just a hell of a dress.

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Did her head stick out the top of the wardrobe?

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It was just her arm out, that was it.

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-So it's a naked arm.

-That's it, just the arm.

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It might not have been her arm, in fact.

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Could have been anyone's arm.

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Was yours a nightmare, Jo, your wedding?

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-Yeah.

-Oh.

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I couldn't fit in a wardrobe, I had to go in a marquee instead.

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-No, it was lovely.

-It's stressful, though, isn't it?

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I was having a look at the planning nightmare that is a wedding.

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If you have 17 guests and two tables of ten that has 131,702

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possible seating arrangements.

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A wedding with 100 guests and ten tables has

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65 trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion

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possibilities as to where you want to seat people.

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Crikey. I had a very little wedding.

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I'd said to my friends, don't tell anyone or talk about it

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and one of my friends stayed at a local hotel and called a cab

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to pick her up to take her to our wedding,

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and she got in the cab and he went, "Where do you want to go?"

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and she went, "I'm not telling you."

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That's fabulous. They have a great tradition in Sweden,

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here's a randy Scandi fact,

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if the bride leaves the reception to go to the bathroom

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then all the women in the room kiss the groom.

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And if the groom leaves, all the men may kiss the bride.

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And that is how chlamydia started.

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-It's a fine name for a child.

-Yeah.

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What's the biggest news item ever?

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Has it got anything to do with the Kardashians?

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I'm not even really sure who they are, so no.

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When was the golden era of the newspapers?

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When was the biggest circulation? Would it be Titanic?

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So, it's not an actual news item that we are looking for.

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Not like the moon landing, which is a very big...

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It's not a story. It's the actual news.

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Did they do a live broadcast for like 36 hours or something?

0:13:390:13:43

Is it the size of the headline you're looking for?

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-Yes.

-The size...

-In fact, you can help me,

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because I have a copy of what we are looking for,

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but I can't manage it on my own, so Alan and Clive,

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if you could come and help me.

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What I'm talking about is the largest newspapers ever published.

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These were... This is called the Universal Yankee Nation.

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-There you go.

-Oh, tiny print.

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-Yes.

-Yes. You seriously had to have...

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-I mean...

-Is this helping your presentation skills?

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You all right, Sandi?

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I don't want to hurt your feelings, but if Stephen was here,

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his head would be poking over the top.

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If I was good, I could've gone underneath, but I didn't want to play limbo with the newspaper.

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Why did they design those?

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Maybe there was a tax on each page of newsprint.

0:14:210:14:24

-That's exactly right.

-Oh, right.

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They were known as blanket sheets

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or mammoth newspapers or leviathan newspapers.

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It was the introduction of the cylinder printing presses that

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made them possible. It was the fact that it was possible.

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This particular newspaper was only published

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for about a year-and-a-half from 1841 to 1842,

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but it was called the largest paper in all creation.

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Would have been very useful if you're an extremely fat tramp

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that was sleeping out.

0:14:460:14:47

Yes. Except it was only one page thick, so it wasn't...

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-In the summer.

-In the... Sleeping out.

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What if you're two tramps having a liaison?

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Yes, but they were designed for sharing.

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But you said about the duties, it's why we had broadsheets.

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-Yes, yes, there was a tax, wasn't there?

-Yeah. There was a tax.

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With a tax, there'd be people trying to avoid it, wouldn't there?

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-I would imagine, yeah.

-They would have ways of trying to get round it.

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I guess. I guess some people would,

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but I mean they'd be morally bankrupt, is what they'd be.

0:15:170:15:20

Getting their papers from Jersey or somewhere,

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so it would be just crazy.

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-Yes.

-Is that... Would that work?

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So it was a bit like modern fizzy drinks tax.

0:15:290:15:31

It was to discourage people from buying newspapers.

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Because they were so critical of the Government and so...

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-We'll tax them out of existence.

-Yeah. For a really long time.

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1712 till 1855.

0:15:390:15:40

And then when they took off the tax, all of the Daily Mails,

0:15:400:15:43

Daily Mirrors, popular press came in.

0:15:430:15:45

Because, you know, relatively poor people

0:15:450:15:46

-could afford to buy the news and find out what was going on.

-Yes.

0:15:460:15:49

Anyway, moving on.

0:15:490:15:51

What's so good about eye of newt?

0:15:510:15:54

-So, this is Macbeth, is it? Is that what you're quoting?

-It is in the Scottish play.

0:15:540:15:57

-But what's so great about eye of newt?

-Medicinal properties.

0:15:570:16:00

I think we studied this at school.

0:16:000:16:02

There's a whole list of things that sound like disgusting things,

0:16:020:16:04

but they're not really. They're references to plants or something.

0:16:040:16:08

Well, that is absolutely true.

0:16:080:16:09

But the thing about the eye of newt that is extraordinary,

0:16:090:16:11

they did a study where they kept removing the lenses

0:16:110:16:14

-from the eye of a newt...

-I bet it annoyed him.

0:16:140:16:17

Well, he systematically replaced it.

0:16:170:16:20

They did it for 16 years and they keep just replacing the lens.

0:16:200:16:24

They are able to regenerate new lenses.

0:16:240:16:27

That's brilliant. Why can't we do that?

0:16:270:16:29

-I don't know. It's so clever.

-In some animals, the teeth replaces itself.

0:16:290:16:32

Specsavers' worst nightmare.

0:16:320:16:34

And what's extraordinary about them, the lenses that are replaced

0:16:340:16:37

are just as good as the very first ones that they had

0:16:370:16:39

and they're able to continuously regenerate.

0:16:390:16:41

Are you sure he didn't have just insurance or something?

0:16:410:16:44

-Maybe.

-So, sorry, that's one newt?

0:16:440:16:46

-That's one newt.

-I'm not a big fan of animal testing at the best of times.

0:16:460:16:49

-No.

-But 16 years, this poor newt's thinking, "Oh, him again."

-Yeah.

0:16:490:16:53

"He's going to pull my bloody eye out.

0:16:540:16:56

"I'll grow it back, dick."

0:16:560:16:58

15 years in, is he not thinking,

0:16:590:17:01

"Are you not getting the message here?

0:17:010:17:03

"These grow back."

0:17:030:17:05

Presumably, there were periods when he couldn't see him coming.

0:17:050:17:09

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Of course. Of course.

0:17:090:17:11

Did you know that they're not actually called newts?

0:17:130:17:15

-Did you know that?

-What, newts aren't called newts?

0:17:150:17:17

-No, they're not.

-They are, I tell you how that you know,

0:17:170:17:19

-they're called newts.

-They are ewts. It was an ewt.

0:17:190:17:21

-It's like an orange, isn't it?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

0:17:210:17:23

A nickname was an ickname.

0:17:230:17:25

It became nickname and newt is just because we're lazy.

0:17:250:17:28

-An ickname.

-Ickname, yeah.

0:17:280:17:30

-It's an extra name.

-An additional name.

0:17:300:17:32

There are lots of words like that. Apron is one.

0:17:320:17:34

In fact, orange is the other way round, isn't it?

0:17:340:17:36

It was a norange was the word and we call it an orange.

0:17:360:17:39

Yes. My favourite...

0:17:390:17:40

It's not quite the same thing.

0:17:400:17:41

Apple pie order. Which is French for nappe pliee, neatly folded linen.

0:17:410:17:45

And we just called it apple pie order because we don't speak French.

0:17:450:17:49

The thing about the witches brew you mentioned about the Scottish play.

0:17:490:17:52

-Yeah.

-So you're absolutely right, so the eye of newt and toe of frog,

0:17:520:17:55

wool of bat and tongue of dog,

0:17:550:17:56

probably wild mustard seed and buttercup leaves and moss and hound's-tongue.

0:17:560:18:00

Isn't that pretty? Hound's-tongue on the right.

0:18:000:18:02

And what herb was liver of blaspheming Jew, then?

0:18:020:18:05

Was that a particular...

0:18:050:18:07

I'm not sure that was entirely a herb.

0:18:070:18:09

-Is that marjoram?

-Marjoram.

0:18:090:18:11

It's the worst Welsh rarebit they've ever had.

0:18:110:18:15

The plant on the right stinks,

0:18:150:18:16

it's also known as mice and rats due to its smell.

0:18:160:18:19

People used to put it in their shoes to keep dogs away from their shoes.

0:18:190:18:22

Apparently it stinks.

0:18:220:18:24

They used to put it in their shoes because it stinks?

0:18:240:18:26

To keep dogs away. You know, dogs do love...

0:18:260:18:28

-Steal their shoes.

-Keep your shoes.

-Shoes, exactly.

0:18:280:18:30

And that's why to this day dogs don't wear shoes.

0:18:300:18:32

Goodnight.

0:18:320:18:33

And toe of frog, not sustainable at all.

0:18:350:18:38

There is a terrible decline in the world frog population.

0:18:380:18:41

They're absolutely plummeting.

0:18:410:18:42

In fact, it's now illegal to catch frogs for human consumption in France.

0:18:420:18:46

And India, which has been the biggest exporter to France of frogs, has just ceased exporting.

0:18:460:18:51

I have a pond in my garden which used to be full of frogs,

0:18:510:18:53

they used to come and have orgies every year.

0:18:530:18:56

They're not there. All been replaced by newts now.

0:18:560:18:58

This sounds like an angry letter to the Daily Mail.

0:18:580:19:01

These frogs, coming over here, having sex in our ponds.

0:19:010:19:05

The most extraordinary newt, just want to show you this.

0:19:070:19:10

Unbelievable, it's called the rough-skinned newt.

0:19:100:19:13

It has enough toxins to kill 25,000 mice and it's so toxic, this thing,

0:19:130:19:20

that the Native American tribes used to force-feed them to their enemies

0:19:200:19:23

to kill them.

0:19:230:19:24

And the really incredible thing about them is that whatever

0:19:240:19:27

eats one dies before the newt dissolves in its stomach.

0:19:270:19:32

-That's how toxic it is and then it hops free.

-Ergh.

0:19:320:19:35

I know! Ergh! Ergh!

0:19:350:19:36

But newts are fantastic, they can regrow their eyes,

0:19:360:19:39

they can kill...

0:19:390:19:40

Why's the measure of how toxic it is that it kills 25,000 mice?

0:19:400:19:43

That was such an odd end to that sentence.

0:19:430:19:46

-Well, it's poison.

-Just four dogs would be a better...

0:19:460:19:49

How many humans can it kill, that's what we want to know.

0:19:490:19:51

It's usually things like a mouse the size of Wales it can kill.

0:19:510:19:55

What about the Spanish newt? They are extraordinary.

0:19:550:19:57

When threatened, they can shoot their ribs out of their body

0:19:570:20:01

and stab their enemies with poison.

0:20:010:20:03

Oh, I can do that.

0:20:030:20:04

That seems counter-productive.

0:20:060:20:08

I feel like if an enemy's coming towards you, I mean,

0:20:100:20:12

by all means defend yourself, but shooting a rib out...

0:20:120:20:15

Even if they don't attack, you're going to have to go to A&E.

0:20:150:20:19

Now, it's time for a fresh new batch of general ignorance.

0:20:210:20:25

Although, I think we've done quite well so far.

0:20:250:20:28

Fingers on buzzers.

0:20:280:20:29

How long is New Zealand's Ninety Mile Beach?

0:20:290:20:32

-Oh.

-Oh, come on. You know you want to!

0:20:320:20:35

-I think it is 90 miles long.

-Go for it!

0:20:350:20:38

Well, are they going to exaggerate or...?

0:20:410:20:44

-What do you reckon?

-I say it's 75 miles.

0:20:440:20:46

You're getting closer. Any more for any more?

0:20:460:20:48

I say it's six miles.

0:20:480:20:51

Completely miscalculated.

0:20:520:20:54

It's 55 miles long.

0:20:540:20:55

And one of the theories is that the mistake was because

0:20:550:20:58

missionaries knew that it took a day to travel 30 miles and it took three

0:20:580:21:03

days to travel the beach and so they made the calculation of 90 miles,

0:21:030:21:06

but in fact they forgot that you travel much slower on sand.

0:21:060:21:10

-So, do people go and walk up it and ask for their money back?

-I don't think so.

0:21:100:21:13

Or drown at the end because they just walk into the sea

0:21:130:21:15

thinking there's another 30 miles to go here.

0:21:150:21:18

Now, let's have a look at this.

0:21:180:21:19

OK. So, going to set this up.

0:21:190:21:23

-Quite good. Like that.

-Wow.

0:21:250:21:26

My question is, who invented this?

0:21:260:21:29

Isn't it Winston Churchill?

0:21:290:21:31

I want it to be Winston Churchill.

0:21:310:21:33

You're so epically wrong there that the buzzer didn't even go off.

0:21:330:21:37

Well, we normally call it Newton's balls, don't we?

0:21:370:21:40

-I think Newton's cradle would be...

-I think Newton's cradle there.

0:21:400:21:44

Sorry. I'm afraid...

0:21:440:21:46

I'm afraid I went to a rougher school than you did.

0:21:460:21:48

I think if Newton had that many balls,

0:21:500:21:52

it's no wonder he discovered gravity.

0:21:520:21:54

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:540:21:56

-Who actually invented it? Do we know?

-Galileo.

0:22:000:22:03

-It's not quite as...

-Was it like a toy manufacturer in the '50s?

0:22:030:22:06

-Sylvia Pankhurst.

-I can't remember who it is.

0:22:060:22:08

Is it JFK? Is it Marlon Brando?

0:22:090:22:12

-It's earlier than that.

-Is it Delia Smith?

0:22:120:22:14

Roughly how long?

0:22:140:22:16

It's a French priest in the 17th-century...

0:22:160:22:18

-Charlemagne.

-Abelard.

0:22:180:22:19

-Called Abbe Edme Mariotte.

-And then he started the hotel chain?

0:22:190:22:23

Yes, that's right. That's right, exactly.

0:22:230:22:27

He was an amazing thinker, Mariotte.

0:22:270:22:29

Do we have to guess which one he is there?

0:22:290:22:32

He's the one at the back thinking, "If I put chocolates on pillows,

0:22:320:22:34

"people will stay here."

0:22:340:22:36

I stayed at a hotel where they did that

0:22:370:22:40

and I wished somebody had told me.

0:22:400:22:41

I woke up in the morning, honest to God,

0:22:410:22:43

I thought I'd had a brain haemorrhage.

0:22:430:22:45

Terrifying thing.

0:22:480:22:50

I made some red lentil and tomato soup the other week.

0:22:500:22:54

-And my daughter...

-This is going to end in tears.

0:22:540:22:57

..really liked it.

0:22:570:22:59

Going, "Oh, this is lovely. Lovely. Really delicious."

0:22:590:23:02

And it was.

0:23:020:23:03

And then some virus was going round the school.

0:23:030:23:06

Anyway, middle of the night, I could hear some wailing and screaming

0:23:060:23:10

and I went into her bedroom and there she was in her white nightie

0:23:100:23:13

with white sheets and she'd barfed up.

0:23:130:23:15

And, honestly, it looked like she'd been disembowelled.

0:23:150:23:18

One of the most alarming things I've ever seen,

0:23:210:23:23

just a sea of red everywhere.

0:23:230:23:25

All in her hair. It was like Carrie, you know Carrie?

0:23:250:23:28

I had to pick her up at arm's length and put her in the bath

0:23:300:23:33

and then I didn't know what to do with her.

0:23:330:23:34

She's just covered in lentils.

0:23:340:23:36

I was going to start hosing her down and she was going...

0:23:380:23:41

HE WAILS

0:23:410:23:43

-I could never have done that.

-Hosing her down!

0:23:430:23:46

It was very, very, very funny.

0:23:460:23:48

I could not have done that. My bath's full of gin.

0:23:530:23:55

When's the parenting book coming out?

0:23:560:23:59

The very first modern...

0:23:590:24:00

What we call Newton's cradle was created by an actor called Simon Prebble, he was called.

0:24:000:24:04

And he sold it to Harrods in 1967.

0:24:040:24:06

He wanted to promote it and so he made a giant version which had to be

0:24:060:24:10

taken down after one of the balls knocked out a child.

0:24:100:24:13

Not good to laugh, people. Not good to laugh.

0:24:190:24:22

These chrome ones were created by a sculptor and film director

0:24:250:24:28

called Richard Loncraine.

0:24:280:24:30

Newton was an extraordinary boy, though.

0:24:300:24:32

Massive Pink Floyd fan.

0:24:320:24:33

He came 78th out of 80 at school.

0:24:360:24:39

-He used to wander off...

-Who else was at school?

0:24:390:24:42

Einstein was there...

0:24:420:24:43

The bloke on the right thinks it's a lightsabre.

0:24:430:24:47

"Bloody hell, Newton, I think you're on to something."

0:24:470:24:50

He made a very strange list of his sins when he was 19, Newton.

0:24:500:24:54

It included making pies on Sunday night,

0:24:540:24:57

using Wilfred's towel to spare my own,

0:24:570:25:00

threatening my father and mother Smith to burn them

0:25:000:25:03

and the house over them.

0:25:030:25:05

Wishing death and hoping it to some.

0:25:060:25:08

There's a fantastic...

0:25:090:25:11

They've tried to make big Newton's cradles.

0:25:110:25:13

Here's one made with 15-pound bowling balls.

0:25:130:25:15

Oh, that child's for the chop.

0:25:150:25:18

You'll get £250 for that on You've Been Framed in a minute.

0:25:210:25:24

The child that must be punished there.

0:25:240:25:26

The guy with a beard, is that a baby dangling from him?

0:25:260:25:29

Or is that the whole baby with a beard on it?

0:25:290:25:31

The biggest Newton's cradle ever built

0:25:410:25:43

was for the US television show Myth Busters,

0:25:430:25:46

they used five one-tonne steel and concrete wrecking balls

0:25:460:25:49

hung from a steel truss.

0:25:490:25:51

It was incredibly difficult to make and it didn't work.

0:25:510:25:55

So, I'm going to put that away.

0:25:550:25:58

Pop that down.

0:25:580:26:00

Now, fingers on buzzers, name the part of Canada

0:26:000:26:02

that Britain and America's most popular dog comes from.

0:26:020:26:05

Labrador.

0:26:080:26:09

Are you saying it's pronounced in a different way or there's a different dog?

0:26:110:26:14

No, they don't come from Labrador is the thing of it.

0:26:140:26:16

So, it is the province of Newfoundland and Labrador.

0:26:160:26:21

Newfoundland.

0:26:210:26:23

They are the most popular dogs in the UK and the US, the labrador retrievers.

0:26:230:26:26

They have held the top spot for 25 years running and are exhausted.

0:26:260:26:30

But they come from Newfoundland and not from Labrador.

0:26:330:26:38

But what happened was when they arrived in the UK,

0:26:380:26:40

there was already a dog called a Newfoundland.

0:26:400:26:45

Also known as a St John's water dog.

0:26:450:26:47

So, they needed to find another name.

0:26:470:26:49

So... They are so gorgeous!

0:26:490:26:52

And they've got a thing... They don't stop eating,

0:26:520:26:54

they've got a genetic mutation.

0:26:540:26:57

I had a labrador and he was a nightmare.

0:26:570:26:58

An absolute nightmare.

0:26:580:26:59

Good for training them, it turns out. They can't help it.

0:26:590:27:02

I hope they find that in humans soon.

0:27:020:27:04

Maybe you're part labrador.

0:27:060:27:09

-Maybe I'm all labrador.

-All labrador, baby.

0:27:090:27:13

Do you shake yourself like that after a bath?

0:27:160:27:19

-I don't have baths.

-Oh, sorry.

0:27:190:27:21

So, labradors aren't from Labrador.

0:27:210:27:23

-Was it...? Is it close to...?

-It is absolutely close to.

0:27:230:27:25

So, the province of Newfoundland and Labrador comprises the large island

0:27:250:27:30

of Newfoundland and the mainland of Labrador.

0:27:300:27:32

And Labrador is extraordinary.

0:27:320:27:34

It's three times as large as the island,

0:27:340:27:36

but only 10% of the population live there.

0:27:360:27:38

It is rather bleak. And that brings us to the scores.

0:27:380:27:42

Well, this is fantastic.

0:27:420:27:44

In first place, with a magnificent minus -5,

0:27:440:27:47

it's Jimmy!

0:27:470:27:49

-APPLAUSE

-Can't believe my luck.

0:27:490:27:52

In second place with -16, it's Clive!

0:27:530:27:57

-APPLAUSE

-Think I got some points from you.

0:27:570:28:00

And in third place with -19,

0:28:000:28:03

Jo!

0:28:030:28:04

APPLAUSE

0:28:040:28:07

Which means a triumphant -25,

0:28:070:28:10

in final place, it's Alan.

0:28:100:28:11

APPLAUSE

0:28:110:28:12

So, it's thanks to Clive, Jimmy, Jo and Alan.

0:28:210:28:23

I leave you with this, Parkham WI.

0:28:230:28:26

The speaker at the April meeting

0:28:260:28:28

was Captain Colin Darch, who talked about piracy.

0:28:280:28:31

Embarrassingly, the WI all dressed as pirates for the evening,

0:28:310:28:35

not realising that Captain Darch was going to be talking about

0:28:350:28:38

his experience of being held hostage by Somali pirates.

0:28:380:28:42

Rather than piracy in general.

0:28:420:28:44

Goodnight.

0:28:440:28:45