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Ologies

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This programme contains some strong language

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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Hello! Welcome to QI

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where, today, I'm sifting through an oubliette

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of ologies, ographies and odoxies.

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I'm joined on this ontological outing today by an ologist.

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It's Bill Bailey. CHEERING

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An ographer, it's Phill Jupitus.

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CHEERING

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An osopher, it's Claudia Winkleman.

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CHEERING

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And oggy, oggy, oggy.

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AUDIENCE: Oi, oi, oi!

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It's Alan Davies.

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CHEERING

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And the buzzers are, oh, so logical.

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Bill goes...

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# Oh, oh, oh, it's magic! #

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-PHILL:

-# You know... #

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And Phill goes...

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# Oh, Carol. #

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You are a mover.

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And Claudia goes...

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# Oh, what a night. #

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-This is good.

-And Alan goes...

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-"Oh, no!"

-LAUGHTER

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OK. Let us start with this.

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How might the CIA win the Cold War with this?

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OK, so I've got one for each of you.

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-You should have one sitting there.

-Yes, yes, yes.

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It's like the old arcade game.

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One of you presses the thing to try and fox the other,

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that's it, and one of you has to grab.

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That's it. Grab the thing.

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Oh, Bill, very good. Have you got that?

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CLATTERING

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That's it. Harder, harder.

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Oh!

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LAUGHTER

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-Are you regretting giving us these?

-I am now. Yes.

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It's not like Kazak lottery or something...?

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No, it's not a lottery. What other bits of the game

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might you use if it wasn't the balls for the lottery?

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-The grabber.

-The grabber, yes.

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The CIA. What would they use it for?

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-ALAN:

-Torture.

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Grabbing the balls of a spy.

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-Oh!

-Torture. Torture.

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No, it's not that at all.

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We're going to head to an "O" area.

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-We're going to go to oceanography...

-Oceanography.

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..OK? And using...

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Getting submarines.

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Yes.

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-Shut up!

-Yes! Yes!

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Absolutely right. LAUGHTER

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Yes. That is absolutely right!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The CIA used the biggest claw grab ever constructed

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to get hold of a Soviet strategic ballistic missile submarine

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which had sunk in the Pacific.

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So, 1968, they began Project Azorian

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and the aim was to recover the Soviet sub K-129

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and they got a ship called the Hughes Glomar Explorer

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and, from the outside, it looked just like any other ship -

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but, in the middle,

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the major portion of the hull could be opened up underwater

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to reveal a vast... ALAN CACKLES

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-Oh, my God.

-It really is like a movie.

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-Look at that.

-Wow.

-To reveal a vast internal...

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They called it a moon pool.

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Does the boat not sink at that point?

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LAUGHTER

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Apparently not. They put down the largest...

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Exactly like you've got in the game.

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The largest grabbing claw...

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-Like one of these?

-Yep. Nicknamed Clementine.

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And they put it right over the wreck,

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but what always happens in these arcade games

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-when you grab something?

-There's no grip.

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Then it's immediately released

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-and you get the bunny you didn't want.

-Yes.

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That is exactly what happened.

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-They got a bunny?

-Well...

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an underwater rabbit.

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"Oh, thank God!

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"I thought no-one was going to come!"

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I thought you were going to say that nobody on the boat had any change.

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LAUGHTER

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-"Oh!"

-No, halfway up, they dropped it.

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Two thirds of it actually broke away,

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so they did manage to get a third of it,

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which, fortunately, had two nuclear torpedoes on it.

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Oh! They nearly dropped those, then.

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-That would have been...

-That would have been bad. Yeah.

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-Where was this, then?

-In the North Pacific.

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Wait a minute, is this true?

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Yes, it's absolutely true, happened in 1968. Yes.

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This is an amazing show.

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LAUGHTER

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And then there was another experiment

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where they had both nuclear silos

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and they kept popping...

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They didn't know which missile the silo was going to come out of,

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so they got a giant hammer and they just tried to...

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LAUGHTER

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Tried to whack it,

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and it was called the Whack-A-Nuke.

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LAUGHTER

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Talking about amusement arcades,

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the claw machines, in March 2017,

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a three-year-old Irish boy called Jamie Bracken-Murphy,

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he SO wanted a furry dinosaur

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that he climbed up the dispensing shoot and into the machine.

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LAUGHTER

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-IN FAUX IRISH ACCENT:

-"They got a child."

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"There's a child there! There's a child!"

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-They'll have to grab him out.

-LAUGHTER

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He wouldn't come out without the dinosaurs.

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He'd got two furry dinosaurs.

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So, in the end, he was rescued by a passing fireman

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and he was allowed to keep the dinosaurs,

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but I think... So he should be.

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I think they should replace the current adoption system with this.

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LAUGHTER

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The toys are always a little bit rubbish, aren't they?

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-They're always a little bit cheap.

-Yeah.

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Did you know that there are sort of disposable submarines now?

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80% of the cocaine which leaves Colombia

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does so in something called a "narco sub"

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and it is a cheaply made submarine that's made out of fibreglass.

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And what they do is they take the submarine as far as the US coast

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where they get rid of the cocaine and just dump the submarine.

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Apparently the coast is absolutely littered with...

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-No!

-Yeah.

-Did you know this?

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I did know this, yeah.

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How do you know this?

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-I don't know, I just...

-He owns one.

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-I've got one.

-LAUGHTER

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Bill uses it to smuggle hummus out of Morocco.

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I've just... I've got an interest in the...

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-In the Mexican drug trade.

-Right.

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LAUGHTER

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-When you say an "interest"...

-A natural interest.

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A lot of cocaine gets put into these pallets and, if the police turn up,

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they just dump it over the side.

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And a massive paletts of cocaine washed up on a beach in North Devon

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and a local dog walker found it.

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-Yeah.

-And the dog, you know, sniffed at it and went,

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"Oh, there's something up here."

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Dog wanted a 48-mile walk and then...

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LAUGHTER

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-Right, games away, please. CLAUDIA:

-Sorry!

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Thank you very much.

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So, that was, of course, oceanography,

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but I have some more ologies here for you.

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What do these mean?

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-Anyone want to pick one?

-Enterology.

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You want to do enterology?

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It's the science of going in... Indoors.

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LAUGHTER

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I like that. Enterology, what do we think it is?

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Entero? Isn't it something up your guts?

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Absolutely right, it's the study of your intestines,

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but it's also something else.

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So, the guts are sort of twisted,

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so it's to do with twisting.

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It's an actual...

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It's a study of Chubby Checker.

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Yes.

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It is a Vaudeville act usually.

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-Balloon modelling?

-No, I like that, though.

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Balloon modelling with your intestines!

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LAUGHTER

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Yes, of course! Of course!

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-Imagine that if you were having your guts operated on.

-Like a giraffe.

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Yes, no.

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It's making yourself into a balloon animal.

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-Oh, a contortionist.

-A contortionist is exactly right.

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It is the act of squeezing yourself

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into a tiny little space, like a box, that kind of thing.

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-ALAN:

-Someone turned it on when they got in it?

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OK, this is an American enterologist called Rick Maisel

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and he combines enterology with escapology,

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so what he does is he climbs into a washing machine

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wearing five pairs of handcuffs and two pairs of leg irons.

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He gets somebody to switch the machine on

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and then he escapes while being tumbled in soapy water.

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And I hope that he cleans the filter out after.

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LAUGHTER

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Apparently contortionists tend to specialise in different things.

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So, frontbenders have...

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LAUGHTER

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Settle down, people.

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They've got spines which flex forward,

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so backbenders have the opposite.

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Splitters have got flexible hips,

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and dislocators can dislocate joints at will.

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CLAUDIA SHUDDERS

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-I've seen a dislocator.

-Have you?

-Have you?

-Don't like it.

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-He can get through a tennis racket.

-No!

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-The head of a racket?

-I've seen it.

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Yeah, horrible.

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Not a... One of those big ones, either.

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A normal-sized one.

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Table tennis.

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LAUGHTER

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-I like oology, whatever that is.

-Oology. What do we reckon?

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That is the study of

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how much nans think you've grown.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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"Ooh!"

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-"Ooh!"

-"I say!"

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"Come here, I've got a hanky."

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SANDI MIMICS SPITTING

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It's something to do with stones.

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-Is it stones?

-No, it's something that comes out of birds' bottoms.

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-There we are.

-Is it?

-It's the study or collection of eggs.

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ALL: Oh!

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-Yeah.

-They come out of the anus, the eggs?

-Yeah. Oology.

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Don't they have their own tube, eggs?

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You know about birds.

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I don't do that bit of it.

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LAUGHTER

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Disgusting. I'm the beak end, I'm at the beak end.

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-PHILL:

-"I'm the beak end"?

-Plumage.

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Worst ornithologist ever!

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"No, not that nasty business."

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Anyway, oology is the study or collection of eggs.

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It's, of course, been illegal to possess a wild bird's egg

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in the UK since 1954, so it's not a thing, really.

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OK, eggs - oology. Anybody? Agnoiology.

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-Top right.

-Sheep, lambs.

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Sheep and lambs?

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-I like that. BILL:

-Study of sheep.

-No.

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-Study of...

-A word that sounds a bit...

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-The study of agnosticism.

-Yes, same route.

-Agnostic?

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From the Greek agnosis.

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So, it's the study of...

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not really knowing one way or the other.

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-Yes, it's the study of things we don't know.

-Ah!

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That's it. LAUGHTER

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So, the term was coined by James Fraser,

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he was a professor of Moral Philosophy at St Andrews,

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1808 to 1864,

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and it's the theory of ignorance.

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Basically, he said there is more ignorance than knowledge.

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So, he said, "The fact of our extreme ignorance is undeniable.

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"It is therefore necessary to examine and fix what ignorance is,

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"what we are and can be ignorant of."

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-So it's the study of...

-I love that.

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-I like that a lot.

-Yes.

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Right, any more? Let's see.

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-OK, heterology.

-Heterology.

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It's one of a pair, which do you think it goes with?

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-Autology.

-Autology. Absolutely right.

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Heterology and autology.

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It's basically men and motors.

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LAUGHTER

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They go together.

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Yeah. A word is autological if it is self-descriptive.

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So, polysyllabic is autological

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because it is, itself, polysyllabic.

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But conversely, heterology is the attribute of a word

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not being self-descriptive.

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So, for example, if you regard "misspelt" with a T

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as British English

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as opposed to the American English "misspelled" -

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which is spelt with a D -

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then "misspelt" with a T would be autological in America

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because it is misspelt and heterological in the UK...

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-cos it is...not misspelt.

-Right, my head's just exploded.

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APPLAUSE

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OK, let's try Piphilology.

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Piphilology...

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All the pies that Phill likes.

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LAUGHTER

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So, the important bit is pi.

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-What is that in science? Pi?

-The number.

-The number.

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Yes, the number. So, it is the use of mnemonic sentences

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to record the digits of pi.

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So what you do is, you use words with the same number of letters,

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so this would be a review, for example, of an episode of QI.

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"Now I need a think,

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"knowledge of clever ideas was aptly conveyed,

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"including General Ignorance."

0:11:220:11:24

If you remember that sentence,

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you will remember what the very first bits of pi are.

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The easiest one to do for the first nine.

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"How I wish I could recollect pi easily today."

0:11:300:11:33

Is this a proper thing?

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-It is a proper thing. It's how...

-So, people go and they could do...

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They study... This is what they do.

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Well, here is the really worrying thing about it, Claudia.

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OK, somebody wrote a 10,000 word novel using piphilology.

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All right?

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It's called Not Awake, and I think you aren't by the end.

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LAUGHTER

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It was written by, surprise-surprise,

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a software engineer called Michael Keith.

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-Really?

-Is Michael here?

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-No, sadly.

-I want to mount him.

-Do you know what I love?

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LAUGHTER

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I'm proud of him.

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So, that's your ologies and here's another - ophthalmology.

0:12:040:12:09

What has a U, two Ts and three eyes?

0:12:090:12:12

And here we are in its habitat.

0:12:120:12:15

What I'd like, just before we continue,

0:12:150:12:18

is some sort of deal

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that you're not going to make the klaxon noise.

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-You don't like that?

-I think I'll jump and it will be nerve-racking.

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I'll jump and you won't like it.

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-None of it's good.

-All right, so what I'll do...

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LAUGHTER

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KLAXON BLARES

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LAUGHTER

0:12:360:12:39

OK, I am looking for something...

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with a U, two Ts and three eyes.

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-BILL:

-Is it a creature with three eyes?

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It is a creature.

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There is the beginning.

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-A tuatara.

-A tuatara. Yes. Very well done.

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APPLAUSE

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It does have three eyes.

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Do you know anything more about it? Have you seen one or...?

0:13:070:13:09

-I have held one, yes.

-At gunpoint.

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LAUGHTER

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It does have a, sort of, a third...eye.

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Yes, it does, at the very top of its head.

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It's what's called a parietal eye,

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or possibly a pineal eye.

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But it can't actually see particularly well out of it.

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Mostly it can distinguish light, darkness.

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Phill.

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There is a red circle around nothing on that lizard.

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LAUGHTER

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-This is a classic...

-That's his eye.

-..QI Trump-like ruse.

0:13:320:13:35

LAUGHTER

0:13:350:13:37

-It's there.

-Where?

-You can see it there.

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-That's a freckle!

-No, it's not!

-LAUGHTER

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Fight, fight, fight!

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If that's an eye, is that its old fella?

0:13:450:13:48

LAUGHTER

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It doesn't have six penises, if that's what you're saying.

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LAUGHTER

0:13:530:13:55

-Do you know what the weird thing is?

-What?

-That's his arse.

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LAUGHTER

0:13:580:14:01

It's got...

0:14:010:14:02

It's got eight arses.

0:14:020:14:04

It's going to upset you, Phill,

0:14:040:14:06

but most lizards have a third eye

0:14:060:14:08

to a greater or lesser extent.

0:14:080:14:11

As do lampreys, a lot of frogs.

0:14:110:14:13

Oh, I see!

0:14:130:14:15

-Can you see?

-That is an eye.

-See? There.

0:14:150:14:17

That's it there. There it is.

0:14:170:14:19

There is an eye there.

0:14:190:14:21

There's another one there.

0:14:210:14:22

-PHILL:

-Look, I've got one!

0:14:220:14:24

LAUGHTER

0:14:240:14:26

On my arm, there. Unbelievable!

0:14:260:14:29

Many animals have a third eye.

0:14:300:14:32

Now, oenology. Blindfolds on, please.

0:14:320:14:35

Ring-a-ding-ding. Here we go.

0:14:350:14:38

Everybody got blindfolds on?

0:14:380:14:39

-Yes.

-So, we're going to place something in front of you.

0:14:390:14:42

It's nothing dangerous at all.

0:14:420:14:44

It's actually rather pleasant.

0:14:440:14:45

Is it a kitten?

0:14:450:14:46

It is even nicer than a kitten.

0:14:460:14:48

So, we're just going to put your hands...

0:14:480:14:49

There we go. Thank you.

0:14:490:14:51

Right, so, we're going to do one at a time, please.

0:14:510:14:54

So, Bill, I would like you to taste

0:14:540:14:55

what you have in front of you and tell me what it is.

0:14:550:14:58

OK. All right, then.

0:14:580:15:00

OK.

0:15:000:15:02

What do you think that is?

0:15:020:15:04

Oh, it's a wine.

0:15:040:15:06

Yes, what kind of wine?

0:15:060:15:07

-A red or white?

-Yes, please.

0:15:070:15:09

-Red.

-You're going to go red, are you?

0:15:090:15:11

KLAXON BLARES

0:15:110:15:14

OK, Phill. Phill, have a glass, have a sip.

0:15:150:15:18

It's right in front of you.

0:15:180:15:20

What? I'm looking for the cheese.

0:15:200:15:21

LAUGHTER

0:15:210:15:23

-OK, all right.

-What have you got?

0:15:230:15:25

-Red or white?

-That's a red.

0:15:260:15:28

Red, OK. And, Claudia?

0:15:280:15:30

What do you reckon it is?

0:15:300:15:32

We've had white and red, what else could it be?

0:15:320:15:34

-I've given you a clue.

-Rose!

-Yes.

0:15:340:15:35

Rose? KLAXON BLARES

0:15:350:15:38

LAUGHTER

0:15:380:15:40

OK, Alan.

0:15:400:15:42

What do you reckon yours is?

0:15:420:15:44

Disgusting.

0:15:470:15:48

LAUGHTER

0:15:480:15:50

It's a low budget.

0:15:500:15:52

What do you reckon it is?

0:15:520:15:53

-Don't look, don't look!

-Red.

0:15:530:15:54

Red, you're going to go with red. KLAXON BLARES

0:15:540:15:57

This is to do with our inability, actually, mostly,

0:15:570:16:00

to taste what it is.

0:16:000:16:01

So, Bill, yours is a room temperature white.

0:16:010:16:03

So, most people would think it was red

0:16:030:16:05

-because it is at room temperature.

-It's confusing.

0:16:050:16:07

-Phill, you have a chilled red.

-A chilled red.

0:16:070:16:09

Sometimes it's difficult to tell and, I have to say, Claudia,

0:16:090:16:12

yours is the most difficult because it's a mix of white and red.

0:16:120:16:14

So when you said Rose, I actually think you got it the nearest.

0:16:140:16:17

And, Alan, yours is a white wine

0:16:170:16:19

with red food colouring because we thought you might cheat.

0:16:190:16:21

LAUGHTER

0:16:210:16:25

APPLAUSE

0:16:250:16:29

But there was a Californian wine grower called Robert Hodgson

0:16:290:16:32

and he was upset by how inconsistently

0:16:320:16:35

his wine fared in competitions

0:16:350:16:37

and he thought that maybe the experts

0:16:370:16:38

don't really know what they're doing.

0:16:380:16:40

So, he did an experiment in which he served the same wines

0:16:400:16:42

to the same experts

0:16:420:16:44

at different times,

0:16:440:16:45

and the findings,

0:16:450:16:47

they were absolutely stunning as far as the wine industry was concerned.

0:16:470:16:50

Only 10% of the judges were consistent in any given year

0:16:500:16:53

and none of those were consistently consistent.

0:16:530:16:55

So, if you made a good judgment one year,

0:16:550:16:57

maybe you didn't make a good judgment the next year.

0:16:570:16:59

And he found that, in California,

0:16:590:17:01

all the medals given out for wine

0:17:010:17:02

were effectively distributed at random...

0:17:020:17:04

-No!

-..because really even the experts weren't sure.

0:17:040:17:06

It can even be difficult to tell red from white in a blindfold test.

0:17:060:17:10

Now, time for a bit of optology.

0:17:100:17:12

Look at this picture of a fire engine, tell me what colour it is.

0:17:120:17:16

# Oh-oh-oh! #

0:17:160:17:18

Yes, Bill?

0:17:180:17:19

Red!

0:17:190:17:20

KLAXON BLARES

0:17:200:17:24

No. If you hide the rest of the picture

0:17:240:17:26

so that only the red bit can be seen,

0:17:260:17:29

what you'll see is that the whole...

0:17:290:17:31

There's the colour spectrum. In fact, the whole thing

0:17:310:17:33

-is actually grey-green.

-No!

0:17:330:17:35

So it's called retinex effect or the land effect.

0:17:350:17:38

It's named after Edwin Land,

0:17:380:17:39

the man who invented Polaroid cameras and such.

0:17:390:17:42

The colour we see isn't just dependent

0:17:420:17:44

on the wavelength of light entering the eye,

0:17:440:17:47

it is also to do with all the adjacent areas

0:17:470:17:49

and the brain takes the information and decides what colour it is.

0:17:490:17:52

Basically, it is an optical illusion

0:17:520:17:53

and the thing we are actually looking at is grey-green.

0:17:530:17:56

And there are lots of other optical illusions.

0:17:560:17:58

Have a look at this. I love this.

0:17:580:17:59

This is the same effect, the one we've just been having a look at.

0:17:590:18:02

It's called the splitting colour illusion.

0:18:020:18:04

So, have a look. We've got two identical

0:18:040:18:06

flickering coloured stripes.

0:18:060:18:07

These are not going to change throughout the demonstration.

0:18:070:18:10

You can see that they are identical.

0:18:100:18:11

We're going to bring in colours on both the top and bottom,

0:18:110:18:14

different colours, and as they go across,

0:18:140:18:16

keep your eye on those flickering stripes

0:18:160:18:17

and you see that they totally change colour.

0:18:170:18:19

What?!

0:18:190:18:21

So that the colour of something is dependent on its surroundings.

0:18:210:18:23

-That's what we learned from that.

-That is brilliant.

-Isn't it?

0:18:230:18:26

But the fire engine is red.

0:18:260:18:28

A real fire engine is red, your brain knows it's red,

0:18:280:18:31

but the one you were looking at was grey-green.

0:18:310:18:33

It's an optical illusion. Have a look at this,

0:18:330:18:35

it's also an optical illusion. The Fraser spiral illusion.

0:18:350:18:38

First described by James Fraser in 1908.

0:18:380:18:41

He was a British psychologist.

0:18:410:18:42

So, the overlapping black arcs

0:18:420:18:45

appear to form a spiral,

0:18:450:18:46

but they are, in fact, a series of concentric circles.

0:18:460:18:49

So, if we bring in some coloured lines and put them over the top,

0:18:490:18:53

you can see these are just circles.

0:18:530:18:55

You can see that, actually, what we were looking at was just circles,

0:18:550:18:58

-but it became...

-Cor!

-Our brain made it into a spiral.

0:18:580:19:00

It's a famous optical illusion.

0:19:000:19:02

PHILL CACKLES

0:19:020:19:04

-These are good.

-They are good.

0:19:040:19:05

Now it's time to go straight over to the wordy shambles

0:19:050:19:08

that is General Ignorance.

0:19:080:19:10

Is this a sardine or a pilchard?

0:19:100:19:12

# Oh-oh-oh! # Bill.

0:19:130:19:15

Pilchard.

0:19:150:19:16

KLAXON BLARES

0:19:160:19:20

Try again. Yes.

0:19:200:19:22

# Oh, what a night! #

0:19:220:19:23

-Sardine.

-Sardine. Yes!

0:19:230:19:24

KLAXON BLARES

0:19:240:19:27

# Oh, Carol! #

0:19:270:19:28

-Yes?

-Dolphin!

0:19:280:19:30

LAUGHTER

0:19:300:19:33

If it were an optical illusion, it would be red.

0:19:330:19:36

It would therefore be a red...

0:19:360:19:37

Snapper!

0:19:370:19:38

LAUGHTER

0:19:380:19:40

Easy, easy, easy.

0:19:400:19:43

-That is a ringtone.

-"Snapper!"

-"Snapper!"

0:19:430:19:47

-Or a text.

-LAUGHTER

0:19:470:19:49

I am aroused.

0:19:490:19:51

That is fantastic.

0:19:510:19:52

-Wow.

-We need that as a gif.

0:19:520:19:54

-Whoa, Nelly!

-Snapper!

0:19:540:19:56

Again, again, again,

0:19:560:19:58

-but right in my face.

-Can we do it one more time?

0:19:580:20:01

LAUGHTER

0:20:010:20:03

Right in my face. Come on.

0:20:030:20:06

-Ready?

-I am ready.

0:20:060:20:08

Yeah. Go on.

0:20:080:20:09

If it was an optical illusion, it was red, it would be a red...

0:20:090:20:12

-Snapper!

-SHE LAUGHS

0:20:120:20:15

Sorry.

0:20:170:20:18

What I was actually looking for was herring.

0:20:180:20:21

It would be a red herring. LAUGHTER

0:20:210:20:22

That makes more sense.

0:20:220:20:25

-Now you've said it.

-Now I've said it.

0:20:250:20:27

So, the terms sardine and pilchard

0:20:270:20:28

do not relate to specific species.

0:20:280:20:31

They are describing ways of packing fish.

0:20:310:20:33

So, the UN and the World Health Organization

0:20:330:20:35

cites 21 different species

0:20:350:20:37

that could be classed as sardines.

0:20:370:20:39

Nobody knows for sure how to separate the sardines

0:20:390:20:41

from the pilchards.

0:20:410:20:42

OK, in theory,

0:20:420:20:44

how fast can this boat sail?

0:20:440:20:47

OK. Oh, the jib's broken.

0:20:470:20:49

Oh, hang on a minute. Wait, wait, wait.

0:20:490:20:51

-There we are. OK.

-Is it dependent on the wind?

0:20:510:20:53

Yes, one moment, hold that thought.

0:20:530:20:55

I'll do it again. OK.

0:20:550:20:56

Nobody knows for sure how to separate the sardines

0:20:560:20:59

from the pilchards.

0:20:590:21:00

In theory, how fast...

0:21:000:21:01

Something about wind!

0:21:010:21:03

LAUGHTER

0:21:030:21:06

APPLAUSE

0:21:080:21:11

Oh, how unusual, a boy who came before I was ready.

0:21:110:21:14

LAUGHTER

0:21:140:21:17

Come on!

0:21:210:21:23

-Sorry! Sorry!

-Sorry!

-Sorry!

0:21:230:21:26

LAUGHTER

0:21:260:21:27

-Put your glasses on...

-Sorry, it's happened again. Sorry.

0:21:270:21:30

I'll see you tomorrow, same time.

0:21:300:21:32

LAUGHTER

0:21:320:21:35

I'm going to do it again.

0:21:380:21:40

OK, baby!

0:21:400:21:42

LAUGHTER

0:21:420:21:45

APPLAUSE

0:21:450:21:48

You know what to do.

0:21:480:21:51

I'm ready, I'm ready, come on.

0:21:510:21:53

All right, then. I'm ready, I'm ready, baby.

0:21:570:22:01

-LAUGHTER

-Say the words, lady.

0:22:010:22:03

Bill, shut the fuck up.

0:22:030:22:06

LAUGHTER

0:22:060:22:10

CHEERING

0:22:100:22:13

Claudia, I'm going to bring out a yacht...

0:22:140:22:17

I'm excited about it.

0:22:170:22:18

..and you're going to say, "Is it something to do with the wind?"

0:22:180:22:21

I'm going to do it!

0:22:210:22:24

I'm going to do it. Snapper!

0:22:240:22:26

-LAUGHTER

-Go ahead.

-Shush!

0:22:260:22:28

Put the wine away. Put your wine away.

0:22:280:22:30

God, it's just like being at school.

0:22:300:22:32

LAUGHTER

0:22:320:22:33

"Put your wine away!"

0:22:330:22:35

LAUGHTER

0:22:350:22:38

-"Shut up, put your wine away!"

-"Shut up, put your wine away!"

0:22:410:22:43

-I'll tell you what.

-Happiest days of our lives.

0:22:430:22:45

Bloody hell.

0:22:450:22:47

Bobbington Gurney Primary was rough!

0:22:470:22:49

School of Hard Knocks, I'm telling you.

0:22:490:22:52

"Here, Bailey, put your wine away and shut the fuck up!"

0:22:520:22:56

LAUGHTER

0:22:560:22:57

Right, quiet!

0:22:570:22:59

LAUGHTER

0:22:590:23:03

Right, here we go.

0:23:030:23:04

Nobody knows for sure how to separate the sardines

0:23:040:23:07

from the pilchards. In theory...

0:23:070:23:10

LAUGHTER

0:23:100:23:12

..how fast can this boat sail?

0:23:120:23:13

Claudia, what do you think?

0:23:130:23:15

-Is it...?

-# Oh, what a night. #

0:23:150:23:17

Has it got something to do with the wind?

0:23:170:23:19

Yes!

0:23:190:23:21

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

0:23:210:23:24

LAUGHTER

0:23:250:23:28

We've got wine over here!

0:23:410:23:44

You've been whining for two hours! Come and sit down.

0:23:440:23:47

LAUGHTER

0:23:470:23:48

-Come and sit down.

-Come on, and I'll say, "Snapper."

0:23:480:23:51

-Yeah, sit.

-Sit down.

0:23:510:23:53

LAUGHTER

0:23:530:23:56

LAUGHTER

0:23:570:24:00

Stupid game anyway.

0:24:000:24:02

Snapper!

0:24:020:24:04

# Oh, what a night! #

0:24:040:24:07

# Oh, oh, oh. #

0:24:070:24:08

-Has it got something to do with wind?

-No.

0:24:080:24:11

LAUGHTER

0:24:110:24:12

-OK.

-Stupid game, anyway.

-HE MUMBLES

0:24:120:24:15

-It is to do with wind.

-Really?

-How fast can it sail?

0:24:150:24:18

Oh!

0:24:180:24:21

It's difficult because, after a while,

0:24:210:24:24

the wind will blow you quite fast,

0:24:240:24:25

but then it'll suddenly going into a spiral and take you up into the sky,

0:24:250:24:28

so does that count?

0:24:280:24:30

How many times have you been sailing?

0:24:300:24:32

LAUGHTER

0:24:320:24:34

So, there must be a maximum speed.

0:24:340:24:36

-What would you say, maximum...

-13, 14?

0:24:360:24:39

-15, 15 knots.

-Don't have the number.

0:24:390:24:41

Is it faster or slower than the wind?

0:24:410:24:42

Slower than the wind.

0:24:420:24:44

Oh... KLAXON BLARES

0:24:440:24:46

You fell right into that.

0:24:460:24:48

LAUGHTER

0:24:480:24:50

OK, so, imagine that the wind is coming from here,

0:24:500:24:53

so you're sailing directly downwind,

0:24:530:24:55

-it's known as running.

-Yes.

-So the wind...

0:24:550:24:57

LAUGHTER

0:24:570:24:59

Sorry.

0:24:590:25:01

-The wind...

-Sorry, Miss!

0:25:010:25:03

The wind will simply fill the sail

0:25:030:25:05

and it won't be able to go as fast as the wind

0:25:050:25:06

because, of course, there's resistance from the water.

0:25:060:25:09

However, if you are sailing across the wind,

0:25:090:25:12

the wind blows across the sail and this generates lift.

0:25:120:25:14

So it's a bit like an aeroplane wing.

0:25:140:25:16

So, it's sucked along as well as pushed along,

0:25:160:25:18

and if you add those two forces together,

0:25:180:25:20

you can sail faster than the wind.

0:25:200:25:22

The modern hi-tech racing catamarans have taken things one step further.

0:25:220:25:25

They have speeds of up to 2.79 times the speed of wind.

0:25:250:25:29

Unbelievably...

0:25:290:25:30

ALAN BLOWS RASPBERRY

0:25:300:25:32

LAUGHTER

0:25:320:25:35

Do you know, people often say to me,

0:25:380:25:41

"What did Stephen say to you as he left?"

0:25:410:25:44

And the truth is he shook his head and went, "You have no idea."

0:25:440:25:47

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:470:25:51

Boats sailing across the wind can go much faster than the wind itself...

0:25:510:25:54

Oh, stop going on about the bloody...

0:25:540:25:57

LAUGHTER

0:25:570:26:00

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:26:020:26:04

It's so awful.

0:26:040:26:06

Oh, thank God you're here.

0:26:090:26:10

LAUGHTER

0:26:100:26:12

A boat sailing across the wind can go much faster than the wind itself.

0:26:120:26:15

Indeed there is no theoretical limits to its speed.

0:26:150:26:18

OK, which of these are there more of?

0:26:180:26:22

Trees on earth, stars in the Milky Way or neurons in your brain?

0:26:220:26:26

Yes, Bill?

0:26:260:26:28

Neurons in your brain!

0:26:280:26:30

-Ah!

-KLAXON BLARES

0:26:300:26:33

# Oh, Carol... #

0:26:330:26:34

Stars!

0:26:340:26:36

KLAXON BLARES

0:26:360:26:38

Yours has to be really clever!

0:26:380:26:39

-Wait, wait, wait!

-No. Claudia's go!

0:26:390:26:41

# Oh, what a night! #

0:26:410:26:43

-Is it trees?

-Yes!

0:26:430:26:44

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:26:440:26:48

In 2015, a paper by Yale researchers

0:26:490:26:52

estimate the number of trees on earth is 3.04 trillion.

0:26:520:26:56

That is, rather pleasingly, 7.5 times more

0:26:560:26:58

than was previously thought.

0:26:580:26:59

So, they used a combination of satellite imagery

0:26:590:27:01

and forest inventories

0:27:010:27:03

and super computer programmes, and that's a huge number.

0:27:030:27:05

Stars, obviously quite tricky to count.

0:27:050:27:07

Nasa do their best.

0:27:070:27:08

They don't really know the number of stars in the Milky Way,

0:27:080:27:11

but probably between 100 and 400 million,

0:27:110:27:13

but that would be ten times fewer

0:27:130:27:15

than the trees on planet Earth.

0:27:150:27:17

So the wind blows across the sail...

0:27:170:27:19

LAUGHTER

0:27:190:27:23

Brain cells, estimated number of neurons,

0:27:230:27:26

and that is your brain cells in the human brain,

0:27:260:27:28

it varies between 83 and 200 billion.

0:27:280:27:32

If you count the number of synapses,

0:27:320:27:34

so the connections between the brain cells,

0:27:340:27:36

you're looking at as many as a thousand trillion

0:27:360:27:38

or one quadrillion -

0:27:380:27:39

so 300 times as many synapses in your brain

0:27:390:27:42

as there are trees on Earth.

0:27:420:27:43

-Wow.

-That's not every brain.

0:27:430:27:46

LAUGHTER

0:27:460:27:49

APPLAUSE

0:27:490:27:53

And at the end of that onomnasiological obfuscation,

0:27:530:27:56

we reach the scores and I've never been more pleased in my entire life.

0:27:560:28:00

LAUGHTER

0:28:000:28:03

APPLAUSE

0:28:030:28:05

In last place, with -35,

0:28:080:28:11

-it's Bill.

-Yes!

0:28:110:28:12

CHEERING

0:28:120:28:16

In third place, with -19, it's Phill.

0:28:160:28:18

CHEERING

0:28:180:28:19

Where's my cheese? I want my cheese.

0:28:190:28:22

Second place, with a magnificent -16,

0:28:220:28:25

it's Alan!

0:28:250:28:27

APPLAUSE

0:28:270:28:29

And the winner, with a really breathtaking five full points,

0:28:290:28:33

it's Claudia.

0:28:330:28:34

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:340:28:37

It only remains for me to thank Claudia, Phill, Bill and Alan,

0:28:430:28:47

and I leave you with this.

0:28:470:28:49

The great conductor Sir Thomas Beecham

0:28:490:28:51

described a musicologist

0:28:510:28:52

as somebody who can read music but can't hear it

0:28:520:28:55

and a gentleman as someone who can play the bagpipes

0:28:550:28:58

but doesn't. LAUGHTER

0:28:580:29:01

That's all from QI this time. Thank you very much.

0:29:010:29:03

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:030:29:07

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