Organisms QI


Organisms

Sandi Toksvig looks at multiple organisms, with guests Nish Kumar, Holly Walsh, Cariad Lloyd and Alan Davies.


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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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Hello, and welcome to QI,

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where tonight, I am pleased to say,

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we will be enjoying multiple organisms.

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Let's meet our life forms.

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The wise Nish Kumar.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The noble Cariad Lloyd.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The amusing Holly Walsh.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And the single-celled Alan Davies!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Right, let's hear your multiple organisms.

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Cariad goes...

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Uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh!

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That's me, that's me.

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Holly goes...

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Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh!

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Nish goes...

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STRANGE MELODY

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It's a really disturbing programme!

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And Alan goes...

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LOUD SNORING

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I do, actually!

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LAUGHTER

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What animal gets the lion's share of online viewing?

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I don't know, but that horse looks like Donald Trump.

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We had a cat that used to watch the telly.

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He watched a documentary about urban foxes,

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and he watched the whole programme with his paws up on the back of

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the chair, looking at it like this.

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And about six months later they repeated it, and he watched it all again.

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And any time a fox went out of the side, he went like that.

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Probably birds as well, birds probably watch a lot of TV, because they're in the room, aren't they?

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-What about people who hang their budgie by the window, so it can see the other birds outside?

-Yeah!

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Is that not the definition of evil?

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Anyway, none of this is what I wanted to talk about!

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Is it lions?

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Yes.

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No!

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It's surprising.

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Blue whale.

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No. Surprisingly, there are more dog videos on YouTube

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than there are cat videos. People always talk about cat videos.

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65.9 million dog videos,

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versus 65.3 million cats.

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The dogs just got the edge there.

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-Why do we think that might be?

-Dogs are better than cats.

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

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Oh, that's the most controversial thing ever said in this studio!

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-Wow! Yeah.

-I'm with you, Cariad.

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Thank you.

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That's the Brexit of the pet world.

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-Yeah.

-In England, people would care more about that than they did about Brexit,

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if you start slagging off dogs or cats.

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Let's try it. People who like cats, say "cats".

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AUDIENCE: Cats!

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-People who like dogs, say "dogs".

-AUDIENCE: Dogs!

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People who like Brexit, say "Brexit"!

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People who like people, say "people"!

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Nothing.

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I have to say that Google tells a different story than YouTube.

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There are 2.2 billion pages about cats,

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compared to 1.8 billion about dogs.

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Yeah, people going, "Why are cats shit?"

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"Why did I get a cat?" "I can't get rid of this cat."

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Did a cat slap you when you were a baby?!

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No, do you know what,

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the reason I don't like cats is I am allergic to them,

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and I want to stroke them and I can't,

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so what I've done is develop a hatred.

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-Right, right.

-It worked the same way for men when I was younger.

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This is how Brexit...

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So why animal videos, why do we watch a lot of animal videos,

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what's the reason for it?

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Is it because we're, like,

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programmed as people to love looking at animals?

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Well, no, the concept is that we just watch something that's a bit of fun,

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and it makes you feel fewer negative emotions. Anxiety, you know, guilt, that kind of thing.

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I was working with an editor once,

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and he was telling me that they did this experiment where, like,

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they wanted to see where people's eyes went on, say, movies.

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You know, like, so what people are looking at.

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And they had, like, a shot with a topless woman, and obviously, like,

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most people watched the topless woman,

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and then the only thing that distracted them was when a dog walked in,

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and then they all just looked at the dog!

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In the, like, Top Trumps of distraction, it goes tits, dog.

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And a topless dog is, like...

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It's my dream, a topless dog!

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Yeah. That's my website.

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That's what I'm after.

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Well, there are more dog videos online than cat videos,

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and even fewer otter videos.

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So who wants to see a juggling otter?

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-Yes, yes!

-Yes!

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-Let's have a look.

-Oh, my God!

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-Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God!

-I know!

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That definitely trumps tits and dog.

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There we go, back with that one.

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Ah!

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Totally nailing all the moves there.

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Has anyone checked he's not trapped under there?

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He's like help! Let me out!

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Do something!

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Stop it, you're messing my mascara!

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That's a juggling otter.

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But not everybody loves otters, all right, like we do.

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So tell me, what do otter hounds hunt?

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Yes, Nish.

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I mean, I know what's about to happen.

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Yes.

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Otters?

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OK, it is illegal to hunt otters, so when otter hunting was banned,

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they retrained them to hunt mink,

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so what do otter hounds hunt?

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Small boys in caps?

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Mink.

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Mink!

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-It's illegal to hunt Mink.

-It's illegal to hunt mink.

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But do they hunt mink?

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Do they, you know, hunt mink?

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-Is that, like, a euphemism?

-Yeah, that's like...

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That's a backhander, guys.

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Is it? Oh, backhander.

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Oh, it's a backhander? I thought it was a back entrance.

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I thought that was, like... a backhander was, like,

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"I'll take some money if you don't mention it."

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-Yeah, that's what I mean. Like, "I'll get the mink for you."

-Oh, I thought it was "I've just farted"!

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I thought it was, like, a lesbian euphemism.

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My whole life in a club, I've never gone...

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All right, we've got a backhander in tonight!

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Anybody up for some mink hunting?!

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Otter hunting was a very, very popular blood sport throughout the Middle Ages and so on...

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-That's horrible!

-There was a

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King's Otterer. He had an estate called Otterer's Fee in Aylesbury.

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And then it largely died out, because the otter was largely dying out,

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and so there was a little bit of a revival in the 20th century until 1978,

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and then the otter became a protected species, and then they tried mink,

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and now it's rats. In fact,

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only rats and rabbits are exempt from the ban on hunting mammals

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-with dogs.

-What about squirrels?

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It's rats and rabbits, that's your limit.

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Yeah, but could you squeeze in a squirrel?

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When you use the expression "squeeze in a squirrel", what do you mean?

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-It's another lesbian euphemism, in the clubs.

-One of the most prized

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things for hunters was the otter's baculum.

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-Anybody know what the otter's baculum is?

-Something nasty?

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Oh, is it the penis bone?

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-It is the penis bone, yes.

-See, something nasty.

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Absolutely right. There is one right there...

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It's the length of the otter?!

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Oh, my God, I'm going to get an erection!

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Ooh!

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Get it off me!

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The rest of that video is the otter struggling under the rocks,

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and he goes, "Hold on a second..." Phodum!!

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Just throwing up a pebble, and then whacking it with its cock!

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If you've just tuned in,

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that's Alan Davies pretending to be an otter with a troublesome erection.

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So... Otter's baculum was much prized.

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-You've got one?!

-Well, what I've got, these are earrings,

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and this is actually made from a mink's...

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Obviously two, there's not one, he doesn't have two.

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They're made from mink baculum.

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There's some mink out in the world going,

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"I hope you're enjoying that earring!

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"I hope it's made you happy, that earring."

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I don't understand how this works.

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So they constantly have a hard-on?

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Well, no, what it is... Humans don't have a baculum, I'm told.

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Yes, I'd like to beg to differ there.

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Do you know why humans don't have it?

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-What's the reason given?

-Underpants.

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Do you want to see them? Thank you.

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Not compatible with underpants.

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So the mythological reason is that Eve was taken, not from a rib of Adam, but from his baculum.

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But the real reason is that the baculum is needed for what's...

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How can I put this politely? Prolonged intromission,

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-is what you need it for.

-So do you think Sting's got a baculum?

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LAUGHTER

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This thing's the exact same shape as my nose!

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There's a good idea for a show - Nish Kumar: Mink Pleasurer.

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I'll watch it.

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Nish And The Mink.

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Eee! Eee!

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-Next.

-Otter hounds are now employed as rat catchers.

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But speaking of occupations, what's the best job for a beetle?

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Drummer, because you'll still be alive.

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That's very good.

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I am going to give you an extra point.

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-Thanks.

-Even though it's horribly wrong.

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So, beetles are employed, where might they be employed?

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Dung moving. It must be dung moving.

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It isn't, it is a form of job that only a beetle can do.

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They can get under things, they can go through little holes.

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Eating, scavengers.

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Oh, is it anything to do with nuclear power stations?

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No, not at all!

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They work in museums. So, skeletons contain a lot of delicate structures,

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and the best way to prep them for a museum display without damaging them is the dermestid beetle.

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-Oh, God!

-And it lives by stripping the flesh off rotten corpses.

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It's used by museums all over the world for that purpose.

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The good news about this horrible job is that they only work on six-month contracts, so...

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Which is the life expectancy of a dermestid beetle.

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-Right, they die on the job.

-They die on the job.

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But speaking of skeletons,

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it's time for a round of that evergreen parlour game favourite.

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OK, let's have a look at our skeletons,

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and who's going to start with number one?

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And be specific, please.

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Its teeth haven't come through.

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You're absolutely right, it's a child,

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because you can actually see the adult teeth waiting to...

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Oh, no, it's not that kid, is it?!

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-No, it's not.

-It's not that child, is it?

-It's not that child, OK?!

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It's another child that we don't care about!

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That poor kid is a model, and then his parents might be just flicking through the TV,

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and they're like, argh!!

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This looks like you've spun the world's worst fruit machine!

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Yeah, you can see the teeth waiting to come through there,

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so the process of the old teeth being pushed out is called exfoliation.

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We moved house recently,

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and behind the U-bend under the sink we found this tobacco tin full of

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-children's teeth.

-Oh, my God!

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-Yeah, yeah.

-Is that where the tooth fairy puts them?

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And I didn't know what we should do with them,

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and I felt really bad because they were obviously the people who lived in the house before us,

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and it's like a family heirloom, so I asked our neighbour if they had a forwarding address for them,

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and they were like, "yeah, sure". And I...

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I sent it to them, and I felt really good about myself,

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and then I was talking to my other neighbour, and she said,

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"That's so weird because they didn't have children."

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Oh, my God!

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So I just sent a complete stranger a tin of children's teeth!

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Right, moving on.

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Let's go back to our QI ossuary.

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Number two, anybody?

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-Is it a vulture?

-No, it's not.

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-It is a bird.

-Is it an ostrich?

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-You'd think that because of the long neck.

-Yes.

-This one is extraordinary,

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because it doesn't look as though it has a long neck.

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But it has 14 vertebrae, so twice as many as a giraffe, and it is...?

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-A chicken.

-Turkey.

-It's an owl.

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So we never think that, because the owl has got so many feathers,

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but it is how they're able to rotate their heads through nearly 360 degrees.

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-That's amazing!

-So they only appear short-necked because of the feathers.

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Let's have a look at number three.

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-Is that a bat?

-It is a bat.

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Here's something I did not know before,

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is that bats' knees face backwards.

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-Oh, yeah.

-But despite this, some of them are still very good walkers.

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They recently discovered that vampire bats can chase their prey on foot,

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and we've got some video of a bat walking,

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which is not something that you see very often.

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-Oh, my God.

-Whoa.

-Yeah, really whoa.

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It's just like terrifying that not only can they fly at you in pitch-black, they can also run!

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It's like the worst nightmare.

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-Yeah.

-Most nocturnal animals are ugly,

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and that's why they come out at night.

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That's a really offensive thing to say.

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-OK.

-Careful, Alan, you're going to get some children's teeth in the post!

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Number four, let's have a quick look.

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The horns are the giveaway.

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-Is it a goat?

-Goat.

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No, smaller. Smaller than a goat.

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Reindeer.

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Yes, those famous small reindeer!

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-Muntjac.

-No, it's called a dik-dik.

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-Oh, yeah.

-A "dick pic"?

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A dik-dik.

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No, not a dick pic!

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I'd rather get one of those than a dick pic, to be honest.

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Do you know why they're called dik-dik?

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Cos they've got two dicks.

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So good they named it twice.

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Because they've got two what, darling?

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Oh...

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No, it's just I thought...

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Sorry, the rest of the class want to hear it now.

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I was just saying...

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It seemed very important that you wanted to interrupt Sandi.

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I was just... I was just saying that maybe they have two dicks.

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Yeah, no.

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It's the sound they make. It's a sort of warning cry.

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-Dick! Dick!

-Yeah.

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Dick! Dick!

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The thing I like about them, they are incredibly efficient with water.

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They have the driest poo and the most concentrated urine of any ungulate.

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All right. Well, clearly you've never spent a night in Wetherspoon's.

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And an extra point for that, because that's true, too.

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Let's look at the next one.

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Number five.

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Is it a gorilla?

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It's really surprising.

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It is not a gorilla.

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What's the thing that always gets you, the klaxon, darling?

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A blue whale.

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It is a whale's fin.

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No way!

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-What?!

-It looks remarkably like the human hand.

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-That is amazing.

-It even has thumb bones, and it's because, of course,

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it's a mammal, and all mammals evolved from an animal with the basic skeletal structure

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that includes five protrusions on each hand.

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So it's basically got mittens on.

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-Yeah.

-It's just a dolphin with oven gloves.

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Yes.

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-Looking for an oven.

-Let's have a look at the final one.

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Is that a camel?

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It is a camel.

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It has a straight spine, because the hump is, of course, all fat.

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How can you tell it wasn't a horse?

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-It didn't look like a horse, so...

-There's no saddle on it.

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-A camel's got no hoof.

-Camel toe.

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You can use it for anything, anything. Anything that's slightly... Ooh! I'll sort you out.

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As the old saying goes,

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you can't always tell an organism from its osseous tissue.

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How is that an old saying?!

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Which ferocious beast is the world's most successful hunter?

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Right, hold on. What is happening?

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Is that Philip Green?

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It looks like you've gone to a fancy dress party dressed as Captain Mainwaring!

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It's terrifying. So, most ferocious...

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-It starts with an O. What ferocious species is the world's most successful hunter?

-Hunter...

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Because hippos are really dangerous, aren't they?

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It starts with an H.

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-Oh, yeah.

-Orangutans.

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Otters.

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-Er...

-Ostrich.

-No, it's...

0:17:300:17:33

The audience have offered up octopus.

0:17:360:17:39

Octopus is not it, either.

0:17:390:17:41

Not as easy as it looks, is it?!

0:17:410:17:44

It is the creature that belongs to the order Odonata,

0:17:450:17:49

so it is dragonflies.

0:17:490:17:50

-Dragonflies are...

-What, they're killer?

0:17:500:17:52

..the most successful hunters.

0:17:520:17:54

They are thought to have the highest hunting success rate of any hunting

0:17:540:17:58

creature on Earth, it's between 90 and 95% success rate.

0:17:580:18:03

And here is the unbelievable thing, they don't track their prey, they intercept it.

0:18:030:18:08

They calculate where the prey is going to be in the future.

0:18:080:18:12

So instead of chasing it, like a lion might,

0:18:120:18:14

they fly to where it's going to be and catch it there.

0:18:140:18:17

So let's have a quick look. So there it is,

0:18:170:18:19

it just seems to be minding its own business,

0:18:190:18:22

and off it goes to catch its prey.

0:18:220:18:24

Now, let's have another look,

0:18:240:18:26

because let's be really clear about where the prey was coming from.

0:18:260:18:30

So have a look up in the red box,

0:18:300:18:32

and you see the prey is coming in, and he's not flying towards it,

0:18:320:18:36

he's flying away from it and over to the right, and catches it.

0:18:360:18:39

And it's the same thing that humans use to predict the future when they're catching a ball,

0:18:390:18:43

but we don't really know how they're able to do it.

0:18:430:18:46

There is a downside to being a dragonfly, I think,

0:18:460:18:48

because the mating is very, very odd.

0:18:480:18:50

-So the male is a dik-dik.

-Oh.

-What does that mean, the male is a dik-dik?

0:18:500:18:52

-Double dick.

-It's got two dicks!

-Yes!

-Two dicks!

0:18:520:18:55

Well done, Nish. So the male has got two sets of sexual organs,

0:19:000:19:04

so before inseminating the female,

0:19:040:19:06

he sort of has to inseminate himself.

0:19:060:19:08

-He transfers sperm...

-Yeah, yeah... I did that as well.

0:19:080:19:12

Transfers sperm from his testes to his sperm pouch, and then to his penis,

0:19:130:19:16

and he's still not ready to inseminate, because he then...

0:19:160:19:19

He's got a, sort of, shovel-shaped penis,

0:19:190:19:21

and he uses it to scrape out any sperm from other males, before he then...

0:19:210:19:26

-APPLAUSE Yes.

-Who is clapping that?!

0:19:260:19:29

What the...?

0:19:290:19:31

-"What a bloke!"

-There's a theory that that is why the male penis is

0:19:310:19:34

shaped that way, to remove any sperm,

0:19:340:19:37

-because they are assuming that woman probably has had sex with someone else.

-So it's a scraper?

0:19:370:19:41

-Yeah, it's a scraper.

-Very useful in the winter,

0:19:410:19:43

if your car's frosted over!

0:19:430:19:44

That as well!

0:19:470:19:49

I could do a wing mirror!

0:19:490:19:51

Right, moving on.

0:20:020:20:04

What is a zookeeper's worst nightmare?

0:20:040:20:08

-Yes?

-Planet Of The Apes.

0:20:080:20:10

I'm going to give you a point for that, very good.

0:20:120:20:14

-Yes!

-Is it an out of the blue redundancy?

0:20:140:20:17

No. You've mentioned it already.

0:20:200:20:22

Orangutan?

0:20:220:20:23

Orangutans is the absolute answer.

0:20:230:20:25

Why? Are they always filing, sort of, sexual harassment cases?

0:20:250:20:29

They are so adept at escape.

0:20:290:20:32

-Oh, really?

-They work cooperatively, they learn very easily,

0:20:320:20:34

-they're very patient, they're very determined.

-They work out your routines.

0:20:340:20:38

They do. They absolutely do.

0:20:380:20:40

"It takes him 32 minutes to go and feed the zebras."

0:20:400:20:43

"That is our window, my friend."

0:20:460:20:48

You're right, Alan.

0:20:480:20:51

They check out the zookeeper's routine, and see if there's a flaw.

0:20:510:20:55

And then when he goes, they all put their caps on.

0:20:550:20:57

Put the shirt,

0:20:570:20:59

three of them stand on top of each other as they're walking out.

0:20:590:21:02

There was a wonderful orangutan called Ken Allen, and in the...

0:21:020:21:07

in the 1980s, he was in San Diego Zoo,

0:21:070:21:10

he was known as the Hairy Houdini, and he used to get out all the time,

0:21:100:21:14

and then he'd stroll around having a look at the other animals.

0:21:140:21:16

And he had a fan club called the Orang Gang,

0:21:160:21:19

and they had T-shirts and bumper stickers...

0:21:190:21:22

He printed them all.

0:21:220:21:23

He'd just nip out and get good deals on bumper stickers then come back.

0:21:230:21:27

They couldn't work out how he was getting out,

0:21:270:21:29

so they started to send in plainclothes zookeepers,

0:21:290:21:32

sort of wearing touristy gear and sunglasses and trying to look casual,

0:21:320:21:36

but Ken always spotted them.

0:21:360:21:38

There were nine major break-outs by Ken and his fellow prisoners,

0:21:390:21:43

and according to one local paper,

0:21:430:21:45

"crowds cheering the apes on as keepers ran after them".

0:21:450:21:49

Right, moving on.

0:21:500:21:52

Where's this guy going with that ox,

0:21:520:21:55

and what's he going to do when he gets there?

0:21:550:21:59

Is it like an early boom box?

0:21:590:22:01

I can tell you, as you can see because he's able to lift it,

0:22:030:22:06

that the cow has been hollowed out, and why might...?

0:22:060:22:10

Is it before the invention of birthday cakes,

0:22:100:22:12

people used to get strippers to jump out of cows?

0:22:120:22:15

Yes, it's that.

0:22:160:22:18

Not at a Hindu wedding!

0:22:180:22:19

I hate to say this, but if someone's inviting a stripper to a wedding,

0:22:230:22:26

that wouldn't...

0:22:260:22:27

Is it to scare off another animal?

0:22:270:22:30

It's quite the reverse. It's to...

0:22:300:22:32

-To encourage?

-It's to be able to hide.

0:22:320:22:33

This is Richard Kearton, he's one of the world's first wildlife photographers.

0:22:330:22:37

So before the telephoto lens,

0:22:370:22:38

in order to get a close-up you literally had to get close up.

0:22:380:22:41

So if you wanted to take, for example,

0:22:410:22:43

a photograph of a birds' nest with eggs in it,

0:22:430:22:46

this is Richard and his brother Cherry Kearton.

0:22:460:22:48

-Cherry?

-Cherry, I know.

0:22:480:22:49

They went, "Richard, let's have something different, Cherry".

0:22:490:22:52

Richard and Cherry, pioneers of wildlife photography,

0:22:520:22:54

they bought an ox from a butcher.

0:22:540:22:56

They got a taxidermist to hollow it out,

0:22:560:22:58

and they hid themselves in the ox with a lens sticking through a hole.

0:22:580:23:03

One day, apparently, Richard fainted inside the ox, and it fell over, and his brother...

0:23:030:23:10

LAUGHTER

0:23:100:23:11

That's brilliant!

0:23:130:23:15

So good!

0:23:150:23:16

Cherry turned up an hour later and took the photo before he got his brother out!

0:23:160:23:21

They more or less invented professional nature photography.

0:23:220:23:26

Their subjects ranged from anything from flowers in the Yorkshire Dales to lion hunts in Africa.

0:23:260:23:30

And before them,

0:23:300:23:32

most nature photographs were stuffed animals placed in natural

0:23:320:23:35

surroundings. But you can see, they abseiled down cliffs,

0:23:350:23:38

they had those astonishing fragile box cameras slung to their backs.

0:23:380:23:41

He's hot.

0:23:410:23:42

-Do you think?

-Yeah.

-Cherry Kearton became the Attenborough of his age,

0:23:420:23:46

he moved into wildlife documentaries.

0:23:460:23:48

-AS DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

-Here from inside the ox.

-Yes.

0:23:480:23:52

Now, what use is an ostrich in a car factory?

0:23:520:23:56

Are they indestructible?

0:23:560:23:58

So...

0:23:580:23:59

You can use them as, like, a crash test dummy.

0:23:590:24:02

No. No, it's not that. So I'm going to give these out.

0:24:020:24:07

-Oh, dusters.

-There you go, these are ostrich feathers,

0:24:070:24:10

so what might you use them for?

0:24:100:24:13

Get yourself one of them, love.

0:24:130:24:16

What might you use it for in a car factory?

0:24:160:24:19

Are the BBC just trying to cut back on cleaning,

0:24:190:24:21

and just having us just dust down the set?

0:24:210:24:24

Well, cleaning is the thing, Nish.

0:24:240:24:25

It is in those hi-tech, very robotic factories where they make cars,

0:24:250:24:29

ostrich feathers are still the best thing to dust the cars.

0:24:290:24:32

-The softest I've ever...

-Yes, well, there's the point.

0:24:320:24:35

So they have these sort of giant rollers, a bit like a car wash,

0:24:350:24:38

made of ostrich feathers.

0:24:380:24:39

Female feathers apparently worked best.

0:24:390:24:41

-Of course.

-Cleaning, innit. Bound to be a woman.

0:24:410:24:44

I knew you were going to say that!

0:24:460:24:48

This from the man who said he could scrape the ice off a wing mirror with his cock!

0:24:500:24:54

-We're doing that experiment in the next series.

-I offered to try!

0:24:550:25:00

So female feathers are the best.

0:25:000:25:01

There are lots of grades, whose names are fantastic.

0:25:010:25:04

Whites are the best.

0:25:040:25:05

Come on, Sandi, I'm sat right here!

0:25:050:25:06

Jesus!

0:25:060:25:08

Just nick that out and make that a ring tone.

0:25:080:25:10

"Whites are the best."

0:25:120:25:14

There's whites, feminas, spads, blues, blacks, drabs and floss.

0:25:140:25:19

They're all wonderful names, aren't they?

0:25:190:25:21

You can't beat a good old ostrich feather duster, if you want a nice clean car.

0:25:210:25:25

Now, my little organisms, fingers on buzzers, please,

0:25:250:25:27

as we enter the phylum of General Ignorance.

0:25:270:25:30

How did all that oestrogen get into our water?

0:25:300:25:34

Yes, darling?

0:25:350:25:36

Um...

0:25:360:25:38

What happened was, I put my hand down on the table,

0:25:380:25:44

but I forgot that it was on the buzzer.

0:25:440:25:46

-Yeah.

-So I pressed the buzzer.

0:25:460:25:48

So, I guess what I'm saying is they have two dicks.

0:25:480:25:53

Is it cos loads of women take the pill, and then they piss it out,

0:25:550:25:58

and it goes back in?

0:25:580:26:00

You did two in one go there, you did pill and urine.

0:26:000:26:03

No is the answer.

0:26:120:26:14

Is that not true? Because a lot of people claim that.

0:26:140:26:16

People do think that. The pill is responsible for about 1% only of the

0:26:160:26:20

oestrogen found in the water supply, according to an American study.

0:26:200:26:23

90% of the oestrogen entering into the water is the run-off from livestock manure.

0:26:230:26:29

Now, why do cows lie down?

0:26:290:26:32

Is it cos they're tired?

0:26:320:26:35

Yes, because they can't be arsed to stand any longer.

0:26:350:26:38

It's their break.

0:26:380:26:39

So, some people think that they lie down because it's going to rain.

0:26:390:26:42

The fact is, cows get up and down 14 or so times a day,

0:26:420:26:46

and at some point it may rain, because...

0:26:460:26:49

They're a herd animal, so one of them will lie down,

0:26:510:26:53

the others will think, "That is a marvellous idea."

0:26:530:26:56

"Totally going to do that."

0:26:560:26:58

Sometimes they do it cos they're cold, and it keeps their stomachs warm.

0:26:580:27:01

They don't want a dry patch, then?

0:27:010:27:04

-No.

-I thought that's why they do it.

0:27:040:27:05

-I don't think they're that forward-thinking.

-Like dogs know it's going to rain, don't they?

0:27:050:27:09

-Yeah.

-They can feel something in the air that we can't,

0:27:090:27:11

and then they'll start going under the bed.

0:27:110:27:13

"The dog's gone under the bed, go and get the washing in."

0:27:130:27:17

I don't think they're that forward-thinking, if I'm honest with you.

0:27:170:27:20

No? I think you're under-estimating the cow.

0:27:200:27:23

I think what we're saying is no cow is a reliable weather forecaster.

0:27:230:27:26

If you see cows lying down, it means one thing.

0:27:260:27:30

Cows enjoy lying down.

0:27:300:27:33

And so the scores.

0:27:330:27:34

At the bottom of the taxonomic table tonight with a fabulous -35,

0:27:340:27:38

it's Alan!

0:27:380:27:40

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:400:27:42

Just emerging from the primordial soup with -22, it's Holly!

0:27:430:27:48

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:480:27:50

Slowly developing the ability to walk on land with -6, Nish!

0:27:520:27:58

Two dicks, two dicks!

0:27:580:28:01

And swinging through the trees like a good'un, it's our winner with -5,

0:28:010:28:05

Cariad!

0:28:050:28:06

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:060:28:08

And tonight's Objectionable Object prize is this lovely pair of mink penis bone earrings!

0:28:140:28:22

There we are, congratulations!

0:28:220:28:24

Thank you so much.

0:28:260:28:28

-Anyone?

-Thank you to Holly, Nish, Cariad and Alan.

0:28:300:28:35

And we leave you with the words of the epigramist Logan Pearsall Smith,

0:28:350:28:38

who wrote in one of his books,

0:28:380:28:40

"These pieces of moral prose have been written, dear reader,

0:28:400:28:43

"by a large carnivorous mammal,

0:28:430:28:46

"belonging to that sub-order of the animal kingdom which includes also the orangutan,

0:28:460:28:50

"the gorilla, the baboon with his bright blue and scarlet bottom,

0:28:500:28:54

"and the gentle chimpanzee."

0:28:540:28:56

From all the animals at QI, scarlet-bottomed and otherwise,

0:28:560:28:59

until next time, goodbye.

0:28:590:29:01

Sandi Toksvig looks at multiple organisms. Where else are you going to meet the world's deadliest hunter, a photographer hidden inside an ox and a juggling otter, all in the same room? With guests Nish Kumar, Holly Walsh, Cariad Lloyd and Alan Davies.


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