Oceans QI


Oceans

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Oceans. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

Hello and welcome to QI, tonight...

0:00:340:00:36

SHE IMITATES BUBBLES

0:00:360:00:38

..we are setting sail.

0:00:380:00:40

LAUGHTER

0:00:400:00:41

I do all me own effects.

0:00:410:00:43

Tonight, we are setting sail for the open oceans, so without further ado,

0:00:430:00:48

let's meet our crew.

0:00:480:00:50

Floundering about, it's David Mitchell!

0:00:500:00:52

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:00:520:00:54

Just for the "halibut", Aisling Bea!

0:00:570:01:01

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:01:010:01:03

All over the "plaice", Joe Lycett!

0:01:060:01:09

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:01:090:01:10

And never mind the "pollocks",

0:01:140:01:16

it's Alan Davies!

0:01:160:01:18

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:01:180:01:20

Right, let's hear their call signs.

0:01:230:01:25

David goes...

0:01:250:01:27

MUSIC: How Deep Is The Ocean? by Irving Berlin

0:01:270:01:31

Aisling goes...

0:01:310:01:33

MUSIC: My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean

0:01:330:01:36

Tune!

0:01:360:01:37

Joe goes...

0:01:390:01:41

SKA VERSION: I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside

0:01:410:01:43

..and Alan goes...

0:01:460:01:48

KIDS SING: Row, Row, Row Your Boat

0:01:480:01:51

We were all so happy!

0:01:540:01:56

Agh!

0:02:000:02:03

Right, we start off with how many oceans are there on Earth?

0:02:030:02:07

-Oh... No...

-Six!

0:02:070:02:08

I can count them.

0:02:080:02:09

KLAXON BLARES

0:02:090:02:12

First time on the show.

0:02:130:02:15

Straight into that trap. Any more?

0:02:150:02:18

-Five.

-Five!

0:02:180:02:19

KLAXON BLARES

0:02:190:02:22

One!

0:02:220:02:23

One is the correct answer.

0:02:230:02:25

-Well, they're all joined, aren't they?

-That is the reason! Indeed.

0:02:250:02:28

According to America's National Oceanic

0:02:280:02:30

and Atmospheric Administration, there's only one ocean.

0:02:300:02:33

It's the World Ocean and it covers 71% of the world's surface.

0:02:330:02:37

So, to make it a bit more convenient,

0:02:370:02:39

they divide it into four smaller oceans - the Pacific, the Atlantic,

0:02:390:02:42

the Indian and the Arctic.

0:02:420:02:45

And the US Board on Geographic Names recognises the Southern,

0:02:450:02:48

that's the Antarctic Ocean as a fifth,

0:02:480:02:50

but the International Hydrographic Organisation

0:02:500:02:54

has not yet approved it,

0:02:540:02:55

and I imagine there's going to be a fight.

0:02:550:02:58

LAUGHTER

0:02:580:02:59

Largest ocean in the solar system, anybody?

0:02:590:03:02

In the solar system?

0:03:020:03:04

-What do we reckon?

-It's not going to be an ocean with water in it.

0:03:040:03:06

Well, that is the thing that we do not know.

0:03:060:03:09

It's one of the moons.

0:03:090:03:11

Is it the one...?

0:03:110:03:12

Eucalyptus?

0:03:120:03:13

LAUGHTER

0:03:130:03:15

-What's it called?

-Titan. It's bound to be Titan.

0:03:150:03:17

-That's the only moon.

-Euripides?

-Europa.

-Europa.

0:03:170:03:19

I'm going to give you an extra point for that, because, yeah, very good.

0:03:190:03:23

Absolutely.

0:03:230:03:24

APPLAUSE

0:03:240:03:27

It's Jupiter's moon, Europa.

0:03:270:03:29

The Hubble Telescope has detected a water plume

0:03:290:03:31

which is 20 times higher than Mount Everest.

0:03:310:03:34

So, possibly there is three times as much water on Europa

0:03:340:03:38

as there is in the World Ocean.

0:03:380:03:40

-If it's water.

-If... It's hard to say.

0:03:400:03:42

-We don't know what... It could be custard.

-Yes!

-Famously.

0:03:420:03:45

Jupiter custard.

0:03:450:03:47

If it's custard, where were the eggs sourced?

0:03:470:03:51

LAUGHTER

0:03:510:03:52

Are you worrying about the organic nature of Jupiter?

0:03:520:03:55

No, I wouldn't mind if it's sort of powdered custard,

0:03:550:03:57

but either way, you've got to think,

0:03:570:03:59

where's the vanilla come from? The eggs?

0:03:590:04:01

You've got to think about it scientifically.

0:04:010:04:04

That's one of the things that means it probably isn't custard.

0:04:040:04:07

-Yes.

-That's why they've jumped to water.

0:04:070:04:10

I'm examining it properly.

0:04:100:04:12

Please don't let this be caught by you, this system that David employs.

0:04:120:04:16

I like powdered custard.

0:04:180:04:20

-AISLING:

-Well, you heard it here first.

0:04:200:04:22

How has this happened to me?

0:04:240:04:25

So, the etymology of ocean? Anybody know where it comes from?

0:04:270:04:31

-Billy, it's named after Billy.

-Billy!

0:04:310:04:34

It's great Oceanus, the great river or sea surrounding...

0:04:340:04:38

Well, the only known land masses at the time,

0:04:380:04:41

Eurasia and Africa and the river was personified by Oceanus,

0:04:410:04:44

son of Uranus for the Earth and Gaia from the sky.

0:04:440:04:47

A big muscular fella, wasn't he?

0:04:470:04:50

-AISLING:

-He looks like he owns like a Shoreditch coffee bar.

0:04:500:04:52

LAUGHTER

0:04:520:04:54

"Oh, my God, we've got every sort of coffee you could imagine.

0:04:580:05:01

"We've got the stuff made by weasels, we've got..."

0:05:010:05:04

And he was married to his sister!

0:05:050:05:07

Listen, don't knock it till you've tried it!

0:05:070:05:09

How many kids do you think they had? He and his sister Tethys.

0:05:110:05:14

Three kids, six heads.

0:05:140:05:16

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:05:160:05:18

6,000.

0:05:240:05:26

6,000. 3,000 boy river gods and...

0:05:260:05:28

Were they all like tadpoles?

0:05:280:05:31

Yeah, 3,000 girl sea nymphs.

0:05:310:05:33

There's no picture of her cos she just couldn't sit still.

0:05:330:05:35

There's just one ocean on Earth

0:05:380:05:41

and that's why it's called the ocean.

0:05:410:05:44

I call it the sea.

0:05:440:05:45

I think the ocean is a bit of an Americanism.

0:05:480:05:50

I think we should have waited till Series S.

0:05:500:05:53

Right, moving on, what's the scariest thing about this?

0:05:570:06:02

MUSIC: Theme from Jaws

0:06:040:06:06

Isn't that incredible?

0:06:090:06:10

What is the most scary thing about it?

0:06:100:06:14

-DAVID AND ALAN:

-The teeth.

0:06:140:06:15

KLAXON BLARES

0:06:150:06:17

The fact that they can't go backwards.

0:06:190:06:21

SILENCE

0:06:210:06:23

LAUGHTER

0:06:230:06:24

I'm sorry, that takes them a bit long to type!

0:06:260:06:28

KLAXON BLARES

0:06:300:06:32

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:06:320:06:34

-What's scary is subjective, really, isn't it?

-What is the scariest?

0:06:420:06:46

Well, our perception of sharks

0:06:460:06:48

is apparently shaped by footage in nature documentaries,

0:06:480:06:51

which tends to be accompanied by ominous music.

0:06:510:06:55

So the thing that really scares you in it is ominous music.

0:06:550:06:58

So, they did a study at the University of California,

0:06:580:07:00

and they showed three clips of sharks to participants.

0:07:000:07:03

So, the one that we've just seen, with the ominous music,

0:07:030:07:05

here's one with silence.

0:07:050:07:06

"Hello, my friend!"

0:07:080:07:10

LAUGHTER

0:07:100:07:12

Oh...

0:07:130:07:15

HE IMITATES RUFFLING A DOG

0:07:170:07:19

Ahhhhhhhhh...

0:07:210:07:26

-# Ahhhhh-h-h-h-h! #

-Have a look at this.

0:07:260:07:29

HE VOCALISES

0:07:300:07:33

Do you know what, there's a whole show for you, Alan,

0:07:330:07:37

in just doing fish impersonations.

0:07:370:07:40

We had the trout faking her orgasm last series.

0:07:410:07:44

They've done that.

0:07:440:07:45

LAUGHTER

0:07:450:07:47

Different orgasm, same trout.

0:07:530:07:55

LAUGHTER

0:07:550:07:56

Can you do shark that has a orgasm?

0:07:570:08:00

HE LAUGHS

0:08:000:08:02

Ahh... Ah, oh!

0:08:030:08:08

LAUGHTER

0:08:080:08:09

Mildly surprised!

0:08:120:08:14

Because they don't know they're going to have an orgasm,

0:08:140:08:17

they haven't learned about orgasms

0:08:170:08:19

or experimented with themselves, I imagine.

0:08:190:08:21

Then, when they have an orgasm the first time,

0:08:210:08:23

it must be very alarming.

0:08:230:08:24

My worry is watching you do them

0:08:240:08:26

that you haven't seen someone have one before.

0:08:260:08:29

LAUGHTER

0:08:290:08:32

Ohhh-oh!

0:08:320:08:34

Ohhh-oh! Oh-oh!

0:08:340:08:37

It's not accurate for the second or the third time,

0:08:390:08:41

then they're much more, ahhhhh...

0:08:410:08:45

Ah...

0:08:450:08:47

Aaaah...

0:08:470:08:49

Is everything OK at home, Alan?

0:08:510:08:53

LAUGHTER

0:08:530:08:56

Anyway!

0:08:560:08:58

Let's have a look at the same clip with uplifting music.

0:08:580:09:01

MUSIC: Morning from Peer Gynt by Edvard Grieg

0:09:010:09:05

But here's the thing, they aren't actually that dangerous.

0:09:120:09:14

And the thought is that the ominous nature of documentaries

0:09:140:09:17

leads the public to have a distrust of sharks and that, in turn,

0:09:170:09:19

harms their conservation funding.

0:09:190:09:21

The truth is sharks kill, worldwide, about six people a year,

0:09:210:09:25

and the same number are killed by livestock in Britain alone.

0:09:250:09:29

So, a cow more likely to do you in than a shark.

0:09:290:09:33

Ants, they kill 30 people a year.

0:09:330:09:35

-Jellyfish...

-What, how?

0:09:350:09:37

Luring them across the road.

0:09:370:09:39

LAUGHTER

0:09:390:09:41

Which do you think is the most dangerous out of all those animals,

0:09:470:09:50

in terms of human deaths?

0:09:500:09:51

Well, I know hippos are real psychos.

0:09:510:09:53

Yeah, it is the hippo. Absolutely, they kill...

0:09:530:09:56

Psychos!

0:09:560:09:57

"That hippo's a psycho, man!"

0:09:570:09:59

2,900 people a year are killed by hippos.

0:09:590:10:02

-Really?

-Compare that to six people killed by sharks.

0:10:020:10:05

You are 1,000 times more likely to drown in the sea

0:10:050:10:07

than you are to be bitten by a shark even in an area with sharks.

0:10:070:10:11

You know that wonderful tune written by John Williams,

0:10:110:10:13

the two-note theme to Jaws?

0:10:130:10:14

He described it as "grinding away at you just as a shark would do

0:10:140:10:17

"instinctual, relentless and unstoppable."

0:10:170:10:20

Benchley actually has a shark named after him.

0:10:200:10:22

Etmopterus benchleyi.

0:10:220:10:25

It's not exactly a killer, it's about 30-50cm long,

0:10:250:10:28

also known as ninja lantern shark.

0:10:280:10:30

It's fairly recently discovered,

0:10:300:10:32

it lives off the coast of Central America.

0:10:320:10:34

We don't have one obviously in the studio.

0:10:340:10:37

But I have a life-size cut-out. It looks like that. It's rather sweet.

0:10:370:10:40

That's the size it is in real life?

0:10:400:10:42

That's the size of the one that Peter Benchley, who wrote Jaws,

0:10:420:10:45

-has got named after him.

-That is pathetic.

-Yeah?

0:10:450:10:48

This is a shark.

0:10:480:10:49

LAUGHTER

0:10:490:10:52

HE IMITATES JAWS THEME

0:10:560:10:58

-Rar!

-But see, you couldn't help yourself but do the music,

0:10:580:11:02

you immediately went... ALL IMITATE JAWS THEME

0:11:020:11:04

So he looks really nice and friendly there.

0:11:040:11:06

He looks rather sweet.

0:11:060:11:09

It's got a lot of things on the side that says you shouldn't do.

0:11:090:11:12

But it doesn't say don't swim with actual sharks.

0:11:120:11:15

That is not the smallest shark, though,

0:11:150:11:17

the one named after Benchley.

0:11:170:11:18

The dwarf lantern shark is the smallest,

0:11:180:11:20

and it grows to only about 15 centimetres.

0:11:200:11:22

Aw!

0:11:220:11:24

I'd say, you know, a couple of those on a pizza, a bit of tomato.

0:11:240:11:27

Their stomach organs emit light

0:11:280:11:30

to camouflage them from creatures below, so it makes them

0:11:300:11:33

blend into the sunlight that streams from the light above.

0:11:330:11:35

My favourite shark that I've ever seen was Joe Lycett

0:11:350:11:37

in a swimming pool in Canada.

0:11:370:11:39

We were doing a gig there together and you have, you know,

0:11:390:11:41

-your little, like...

-Oh, yeah.

-Your shark that he does in the pool.

0:11:410:11:44

And... But you don't see Joe coming.

0:11:440:11:46

And then he goes... # Der-da! Der-da! Der-da... #

0:11:460:11:49

SHE IMITATES RIFF: I Love You Baby

0:11:490:11:52

LAUGHTER

0:11:520:11:54

There was a gay Jaws, as well, that I did,

0:11:540:11:57

which was # Der-da! Der-da! Der-da... #

0:11:570:11:59

Oooh!

0:11:590:12:01

Scared of me?

0:12:010:12:02

Shut up!

0:12:020:12:04

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:12:040:12:06

Did you know that female sharks can reproduce without male contact?

0:12:120:12:16

Finally!

0:12:160:12:17

-Living the dream.

-It is almost impossible to sneak up on a shark,

0:12:190:12:23

and that's because they have eyes on the side of their head.

0:12:230:12:25

They can see behind them just as well as they can see in front.

0:12:250:12:29

I'm very...

0:12:290:12:30

LAUGHTER

0:12:300:12:32

So, they've got two blind spots.

0:12:350:12:37

One directly in front of them, and one behind.

0:12:370:12:39

I'm interested that someone has worked out

0:12:390:12:42

how difficult it is to sneak up on a shark.

0:12:420:12:46

That would involve someone seeing a shark and thinking,

0:12:460:12:49

"I tell you what, I'm going to sneak up on it.

0:12:490:12:52

"I'm going to give that shark the fright of its life."

0:12:520:12:54

-Who...

-"Do you know, it's really difficult to sneak up on them!"

0:12:570:13:01

The kid's going... # Der-da! Der-da! Der-da... #

0:13:010:13:03

Who would like to see a shark which can bite chunks

0:13:030:13:06

-out of a submarine? Who would like to see?

-Yeah. Yes, please.

0:13:060:13:09

OK, I don't even... Alan, can you lift that up, darling?

0:13:090:13:12

It's very heavy. Here we have...

0:13:120:13:14

ALAN GROANS

0:13:140:13:16

So butch.

0:13:160:13:18

I shat that out earlier.

0:13:180:13:20

LAUGHTER

0:13:200:13:21

There it is, I don't know if you can...if you can see it that well.

0:13:260:13:30

You're going to be so sorry, because the expert who's brought that in

0:13:350:13:39

is about to speak to us, and you're going to be mortified.

0:13:390:13:41

LAUGHTER

0:13:410:13:43

It is about 18 inches long and...

0:13:450:13:48

In fact, we have a number of things.

0:13:480:13:50

Please welcome Chris Bird from Southampton University,

0:13:500:13:53

and Ali Hood of the Shark Trust. Who are sitting just over there.

0:13:530:13:56

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:13:560:13:58

Chris, let's start with the one in the jar.

0:14:000:14:02

Is it true it could bite a chunk out of a submarine?

0:14:020:14:04

Yeah, there's certainly historical evidence

0:14:040:14:07

of them biting through the rubber coverings of submarines

0:14:070:14:09

and cables on undersea cameras and things like that.

0:14:090:14:12

-So what is this one called?

-That's the cookie cutter shark.

0:14:120:14:14

-And why's it called that?

-It leaves these really distinctive

0:14:140:14:18

kind of cookie-cutter bite marks on its prey.

0:14:180:14:21

So, it usually eats whales and big fish.

0:14:210:14:24

And it will suck onto the side of them, bore out a cookie cutter hole,

0:14:240:14:28

and then swim off.

0:14:280:14:29

And sometimes it confuses submarines and cameras and cables for...

0:14:290:14:35

-Right...

-..their prey.

-And could it hurt a person?

0:14:350:14:37

There's been one case of a person being eaten

0:14:370:14:39

whilst they were swimming at night between two islands.

0:14:390:14:42

Now, Ali, let me just talk about this,

0:14:420:14:44

because I have sometimes found these on a beach.

0:14:440:14:46

Tell me what it is. Is this a UK...?

0:14:460:14:49

Yes, yes, we have oviparous - egg-laying -

0:14:490:14:52

-sharks and skates in the UK.

-So what is this? This is a...?

0:14:520:14:55

-That's...

-That one is the egg case of a flapper skate.

0:14:550:14:58

It's found up in Scotland, around the north of Ireland.

0:14:580:15:01

And that's one of the largest skates globally.

0:15:010:15:03

It grows to two to three metres across its wingspan.

0:15:030:15:05

Some people call them mermaids' purses, but it's sharks' eggs,

0:15:050:15:08

-isn't it?

-Yeah, shark and skate and ray eggs, yeah.

0:15:080:15:10

And when you find them they're all empty, is that right?

0:15:100:15:12

Generally, they're empty. If they're not, you'll know,

0:15:120:15:14

-cos they'll be quite stinky.

-And this one here?

0:15:140:15:17

The smaller species you have there are skate.

0:15:170:15:19

Or we call them rays.

0:15:190:15:20

If they've got curly tendrils...

0:15:200:15:22

-Yes...

-..those are cat shark egg cases,

0:15:220:15:24

so we have three egg-laying sharks in British waters.

0:15:240:15:26

And people could just find these on the beach for themselves?

0:15:260:15:29

-Yeah.

-OK. Ali and Chris, thank you so very much. How wonderful.

0:15:290:15:32

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:15:320:15:35

Would you like me to put my shark away?

0:15:370:15:39

Yes, please, darling. Sorry, Alan.

0:15:390:15:42

Goodbye, old friend.

0:15:420:15:44

LAUGHTER

0:15:440:15:45

Right, what's the biggest thing in the ocean

0:15:470:15:50

that you've never heard of?

0:15:500:15:51

Oh.

0:15:510:15:52

Well, I mean, we've never heard of it,

0:15:520:15:54

so it's difficult for us to name.

0:15:540:15:56

Yes. That is true.

0:15:560:15:58

-Yeah, so...

-Shall we have a stab at it?

0:15:580:16:00

-Yes.

-The sherdobleh.

0:16:000:16:01

That's what I was going to say.

0:16:010:16:03

# Row your boat... # Blue whale.

0:16:030:16:05

KLAXON BLARES

0:16:050:16:07

I mean, they're astonishing, up to 98 feet, 170 tonnes,

0:16:110:16:14

but I want one you've never heard of.

0:16:140:16:16

# Row your boat... #

0:16:160:16:18

Red whale.

0:16:180:16:19

LAUGHTER

0:16:190:16:21

It's called the ocean sunfish.

0:16:230:16:25

The common mola.

0:16:250:16:27

It is essentially a giant head covered in mucus.

0:16:270:16:30

-AISLING GROANS

-Oh, God!

0:16:300:16:32

We've all been there!

0:16:320:16:34

LAUGHTER

0:16:340:16:37

They spend most of their time sunbathing

0:16:370:16:38

on the surface of the ocean.

0:16:380:16:40

One of these adults can literally weigh a tonne.

0:16:400:16:43

And they grow to be 60 million times heavier than their larvae,

0:16:430:16:48

so that would be like a human baby becoming an adult

0:16:480:16:51

the size of six Titanics.

0:16:510:16:53

Apparently, they're just not aggressive in any way.

0:16:530:16:55

There's only one human death attributed to a mola,

0:16:550:16:58

and that is a man who was accidentally flattened

0:16:580:17:01

by one leaping.

0:17:010:17:02

What size are they, then?

0:17:040:17:06

About six by eight foot, but really it's like having a car come at you.

0:17:060:17:09

-It's like a sort of Cadillac.

-Whoa! God, they are big.

-Yeah.

0:17:090:17:13

Where would you find one?

0:17:130:17:15

They like it warm, darling.

0:17:150:17:16

You're not going to find it round the British coast.

0:17:160:17:18

They're very strong swimmers

0:17:180:17:19

and they can dive down to a fantastic depth of 2,600 metres.

0:17:190:17:22

And the females produce as many as 300 million eggs at a time, but...

0:17:220:17:27

only two survive.

0:17:270:17:30

Aww.

0:17:300:17:31

Yeah. I don't know...

0:17:310:17:33

We feel bad, we're invested now in the mola.

0:17:330:17:35

It looks like it's not finished.

0:17:350:17:37

They've sort of gone like,

0:17:390:17:40

"Just squeeze it in at the bottom. There, that'll be fine."

0:17:400:17:43

It's like the Good Lord went, "Er, it'll do."

0:17:450:17:47

-Unfinished sculpture of a fish.

-Yeah.

0:17:480:17:51

Now, as an editor, what suggestions would you make to improve Moby Dick?

0:17:530:17:57

# The sea... #

0:17:570:17:59

Yes?

0:17:590:18:00

I think it should have,

0:18:000:18:02

like a feminist remake

0:18:020:18:04

and it should be called Moby Fanny.

0:18:040:18:06

LAUGHTER

0:18:060:18:09

Do you want to give me any plot points at all?

0:18:130:18:16

She still eats a man whole, um...

0:18:160:18:18

LAUGHTER

0:18:180:18:20

The publisher who it was sent to, Peter J Bentley,

0:18:220:18:24

rejected Herman Melville's Moby Dick because he didn't like the whale.

0:18:240:18:29

This is what he wrote.

0:18:290:18:31

"First, we must ask, does it have to be a whale?

0:18:310:18:35

"While this is a rather delightful, if somewhat esoteric plot device,

0:18:350:18:39

"we recommend an antagonist with a more popular visage

0:18:390:18:41

"among the younger readers. For instance,

0:18:410:18:44

"could not the captain be struggling

0:18:440:18:46

"with a depravity towards young, perhaps voluptuous, maidens?"

0:18:460:18:50

LAUGHTER

0:18:500:18:52

Partly inspired by a real whale called Mocha Dick,

0:18:560:18:58

a whale that was fantastically fussy about his coffee.

0:18:580:19:02

LAUGHTER

0:19:020:19:04

-Well, Starbuck's a character in it, isn't he?

-Yes, absolutely.

0:19:040:19:07

So, it was a real whale, an albino sperm whale

0:19:070:19:10

who swam alongside whaling boats

0:19:100:19:11

and if the boats tried to attack Mocha Dick,

0:19:110:19:13

he would then destroy them.

0:19:130:19:14

In fact, when he was killed in 1839,

0:19:140:19:16

they found 19 harpoons in his side.

0:19:160:19:18

It was a legendary whale.

0:19:180:19:20

Poor old Herman Melville,

0:19:200:19:22

3,715 copies of Moby Dick sold in his lifetime, and just 556.37,

0:19:220:19:27

he died virtually unknown.

0:19:270:19:30

And then in 2014, the Guardian named Moby Dick

0:19:300:19:33

the 17th greatest novel of all time.

0:19:330:19:36

So for an extra point, buzz in,

0:19:360:19:38

who knows the first line of Moby Dick?

0:19:380:19:40

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-"Call me Ishmael."

0:19:410:19:43

"Call me Ishmael," absolutely right.

0:19:430:19:45

"Some years ago, never mind how long precisely,

0:19:450:19:47

"having little or no money in my purse

0:19:470:19:49

"and nothing particular to interest me on shore,

0:19:490:19:51

"I thought I would sail about a little

0:19:510:19:53

"and see the watery part of the world."

0:19:530:19:55

According to American Book Review,

0:19:550:19:57

that is the number-one best sentence in the world.

0:19:570:20:00

I'm going to read out number two, and I will give a bonus point

0:20:000:20:03

to anybody who interrupts to tell me where it's from.

0:20:030:20:05

"It's a truth universally acknowledged

0:20:050:20:07

"that a single man in possession of a good fortune..."

0:20:070:20:10

It's Jane Austen, isn't it? Pride And Prejudice?

0:20:100:20:12

Pride And Prejudice, you're absolutely right, yes.

0:20:120:20:14

"..must be in want of a wife."

0:20:140:20:16

Have you got anything lower down,

0:20:160:20:17

like Harry Potter-ish that I can buzz in for?

0:20:170:20:19

Is the third one, "If it's custard..."

0:20:190:20:22

LAUGHTER

0:20:220:20:24

Now, what kind of bag were all British lifeboats

0:20:260:20:29

required to carry until 1998?

0:20:290:20:31

A ha-a-andba-a-a-ag.

0:20:310:20:33

KLAXON BLARES

0:20:330:20:37

Sick bag.

0:20:430:20:44

KLAXON BLARES

0:20:440:20:46

-A bag for life?

-A bag for life!

0:20:460:20:49

-See?

-That's very good...

-See what I did there?

0:20:500:20:52

-It's a lifeboat, it's a bag for life.

-That's very good.

0:20:520:20:55

Is it one of those wet bags that keeps things dry?

0:20:550:20:57

Well, it certainly has liquid in it.

0:20:570:20:59

-Ooh...

-So, what kind of liquid might you take with you...?

0:20:590:21:02

Custard.

0:21:020:21:03

-A bag of custard.

-A bag of custard.

0:21:050:21:08

It's oil. They were known as wave-quelling bags,

0:21:080:21:11

so oil was commonly used to calm troubled waters.

0:21:110:21:14

I'm sure you've heard the expression.

0:21:140:21:15

It was kept in canvas bag, which was attached to the anchor,

0:21:150:21:18

and it worked by reducing the wave height and the sea spray,

0:21:180:21:21

and lifeboats were required to carry oil bags until 1998.

0:21:210:21:25

How much oil would you need to put in the water to stop a wave?

0:21:250:21:28

It's really a small amount.

0:21:280:21:30

So a single tablespoon of oil dropped onto a lake

0:21:300:21:33

-can calm half an acre of water.

-No, no, that's...

0:21:330:21:36

What happens is it spreads out and forms a layer,

0:21:360:21:38

which is one molecule thick, and that is enough to prevent

0:21:380:21:41

the wind from whipping up the waves onto the surface.

0:21:410:21:43

This is something that has been known about since Pliny the Elder,

0:21:430:21:46

and he wrote, "Everything is soothed by oil," and this is the reason why

0:21:460:21:50

divers send out small quantities of it from their mouths,

0:21:500:21:53

because it smoothes every part which is rough.

0:21:530:21:55

Oh, my God. Like a salad dressing amount.

0:21:550:21:58

How are you making your salad?!

0:21:580:22:01

-I was giving it a bit of...

-She's tossing it, darling.

0:22:010:22:03

It's amazing, the amount of oil slicks there've been

0:22:030:22:06

in the last half a century,

0:22:060:22:08

it's amazing there's ever any rough weather at sea.

0:22:080:22:10

Nobody ever sees the positive side of an oil slick.

0:22:120:22:16

Genuinely, though, in an oil slick area,

0:22:160:22:18

would there then be no waves for ages?

0:22:180:22:21

It would genuinely calm the waters,

0:22:210:22:22

and one of the reasons why we know this,

0:22:220:22:24

the person who did so many experiments on this,

0:22:240:22:26

is the great American statesman Benjamin Franklin.

0:22:260:22:28

He saw two ships from a flotilla,

0:22:280:22:31

and they had smooth waters in their wake while the other ships didn't.

0:22:310:22:33

And he asked why, and he was told that those ships had jettisoned

0:22:330:22:37

their kitchen grease and that therefore gave them

0:22:370:22:39

the easier passage. And he checked this out. And what's lovely,

0:22:390:22:42

he did experiments on a place in London,

0:22:420:22:44

and there's a place called Mount Pond, on Clapham Common,

0:22:440:22:46

and that is, in fact, where he did his experiments,

0:22:460:22:48

and the pond is still there today.

0:22:480:22:50

It stinks of chip fat.

0:22:500:22:51

LAUGHTER

0:22:510:22:53

And now, steady your stomachs and hold on to the handrail,

0:22:550:22:57

it's time for General Ignorance.

0:22:570:22:59

Complete this sentence.

0:22:590:23:01

There are plenty more fish in the...

0:23:010:23:03

# How deep...? #

0:23:030:23:05

Sea.

0:23:050:23:06

KLAXON BLARES

0:23:060:23:08

You don't learn, do you?

0:23:090:23:11

-# Row your boat... #

-Yes.

0:23:110:23:13

Sky.

0:23:130:23:14

Only 20% of the world's fish species actually live in the sea,

0:23:160:23:19

-where do the rest live?

-In the rivers.

0:23:190:23:21

Rivers. Rivers and lakes, absolutely right.

0:23:210:23:23

Amazon, Congo, Mekong, all those kind of river basins,

0:23:230:23:26

particularly diverse and fish species,

0:23:260:23:28

so one site in the Amazon basin, Cantao State Park,

0:23:280:23:31

contains more freshwater fish species than the whole of Europe.

0:23:310:23:34

-That's a lot of fish!

-It is a lot of fish.

0:23:340:23:37

LAUGHTER

0:23:370:23:39

I think that's the premise for mentioning it.

0:23:390:23:41

SHE LAUGHS

0:23:410:23:43

Hang on! Do you see how he's understood the show?!

0:23:450:23:48

David? The next time you come on, that chair's very comfy.

0:23:480:23:52

Possible...

0:23:540:23:55

Of course, we have polluted our rivers

0:23:550:23:58

and many of them don't sustain large fish populations.

0:23:580:24:02

Yeah.

0:24:020:24:03

Um...

0:24:030:24:04

You talked about fish coming from the sky.

0:24:040:24:07

So, in Utah, it used to be that remote lakes

0:24:070:24:09

were once stocked by walking miles and miles with milk cans

0:24:090:24:13

full of fish, and today,

0:24:130:24:14

they're dropped from planes 150 foot above the lakes,

0:24:140:24:19

and it's called aerial restocking. Ted Hallows,

0:24:190:24:22

who's a hatchery manager from Kamas County in Utah, says,

0:24:220:24:26

"Most of the fish make it to the water safely."

0:24:260:24:28

And each one of those fish has got a JustGiving page.

0:24:290:24:32

LAUGHTER

0:24:320:24:34

Now, when do spring tides occur in the southern hemisphere?

0:24:380:24:42

-Ooh.

-Now, is it... Now...

0:24:420:24:45

-Ah.

-Yeah, yeah?

0:24:450:24:47

Oh...

0:24:470:24:48

# The sea... #

0:24:480:24:49

-Is it...

-Yes.

0:24:500:24:52

..the opposite to us here in the northern hemisphere, so...

0:24:520:24:57

-What are you going to say?

-I am going to go, Sandi, with

0:24:570:25:00

Augus-s-s-s...

0:25:000:25:02

September...

0:25:020:25:06

Are you saying autumn?

0:25:060:25:07

-KLAXON BLARES

-You're not giving me a clue.

0:25:070:25:10

-OK. Autumn, yeah.

-No.

0:25:100:25:12

-Darn.

-Anybody else?

0:25:120:25:14

-Spring.

-Hey!

0:25:140:25:15

KLAXON BLARES

0:25:150:25:17

Spring tides have got nothing to do with spring at all.

0:25:180:25:20

It is the high tide that follows a new or a full moon,

0:25:200:25:23

so it is the time when there is the most difference

0:25:230:25:25

between high and low tides.

0:25:250:25:27

So, basically, it occurs twice a month, all year round.

0:25:270:25:30

It just comes from an earlier meaning of spring,

0:25:300:25:33

which means to rise up suddenly, that's all it is.

0:25:330:25:35

But tide actually has a Norse origin, so in Denmark,

0:25:350:25:38

the word for time is "tid", T-I-D, and that's where we get tide from.

0:25:380:25:42

So, tide and time actually means the same thing.

0:25:420:25:44

It's like Eastertide, isn't it, doesn't refer to the tide.

0:25:440:25:47

That means Easter-time.

0:25:470:25:49

-Yuletide, it's the same. It's about time, isn't it?

-Yeah.

0:25:490:25:51

Now, without leaving your seat,

0:25:510:25:53

please somebody do an impression of an Olympic diver.

0:25:530:25:57

"Hello, it's me, Tom Daley."

0:25:570:25:59

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:590:26:01

Do I get the point, or...?

0:26:080:26:10

Yeah, I liked that, you can have an extra point, that's very good.

0:26:100:26:13

-What do you mean?

-Uh, well, what do they look like?

0:26:130:26:15

They go, they dive...

0:26:150:26:17

KLAXON BLARES No.

0:26:170:26:18

No, they lock their hands together, like this.

0:26:210:26:24

And enter with the palms entering the water first,

0:26:240:26:27

because it creates less splash.

0:26:270:26:29

So they're trying to make a cavity in the water

0:26:290:26:31

wide enough for the body to go through, so if you look there,

0:26:310:26:34

-when they impact...

-I'm looking, I'm looking.

0:26:340:26:37

-It is an odd angle to see somebody at, isn't it?

-Not particularly.

0:26:370:26:41

LAUGHTER

0:26:410:26:42

Do you watch dangling men?

0:26:450:26:47

"If you wouldn't mind putting your ankles up there?"

0:26:490:26:52

I went to see Olympic diving.

0:26:540:26:56

-Was it good?

-Well, the thing about it is...

0:26:560:26:58

..once you've seen one, you really have seen them all.

0:27:000:27:02

One by one, they go up the top and whoop, splash!

0:27:050:27:08

HE EXHALES

0:27:080:27:11

Right, final question in our ocean show,

0:27:130:27:15

so we go to the greatest ocean of all.

0:27:150:27:17

How many lungs does Billy Ocean have?

0:27:170:27:20

I'm going to go one.

0:27:220:27:23

KLAXON BLARES

0:27:230:27:25

Three!

0:27:260:27:27

He has three. He has an extra pulmonary node

0:27:270:27:29

between his two regular lungs.

0:27:290:27:31

And some people attribute the fact

0:27:310:27:32

that he's got this extra lung capacity

0:27:320:27:34

as to why he's had such a long career.

0:27:340:27:36

I think it's cos he's one of the nicest men you will ever, ever meet.

0:27:360:27:39

Now, as we head back in to harbour,

0:27:390:27:41

let's take a quick look at the score.

0:27:410:27:42

All at sea, in last place,

0:27:420:27:45

with -51, it's Alan!

0:27:450:27:48

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:480:27:49

In third place with -37, David!

0:27:530:27:56

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:560:27:58

In second, with -17, Aisling!

0:28:000:28:03

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:030:28:06

And tonight's winner, with -15, it's Joe!

0:28:060:28:10

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:100:28:13

Tonight's objectionable object,

0:28:190:28:22

this lovely sausage dog drink dispenser, goes to Joe.

0:28:220:28:27

-Congratulations.

-I love that.

-There you go.

-Look at that!

0:28:270:28:31

Fantastic! It only remains for me to thank Aisling, David, Joe and Alan.

0:28:310:28:35

Now that we've all disembarked safely,

0:28:360:28:38

we hope you enjoyed your voyage aboard the QI2,

0:28:380:28:41

and we'll leave you with this.

0:28:410:28:42

During the early days of the Iraq war,

0:28:420:28:44

Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon stated in Parliament

0:28:440:28:47

that the port of Umm Qasr was like the city of Southampton.

0:28:470:28:50

"He's either never been to Umm Qasr or he's never been to Southampton,"

0:28:500:28:53

said one soldier. "There's no beer, no prostitutes,

0:28:530:28:56

"and people are shooting at us.

0:28:560:28:57

"It's actually more like Portsmouth!"

0:28:570:28:59

Thank you very much, goodnight!

0:28:590:29:01

Sandi Toksvig looks at the oceans. Tune in to hear one publisher's suggestion for a radical improvement to Moby Dick. With Aisling Bea, Joe Lycett, David Mitchell and Alan Davies.


Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS