VG Part Two QI

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to QI.

Now, what do vegetarian goatsuckers eat?

LAUGHTER

-Right, I thought... Wow.

-Can you show that on television?

I think that's taking vaping too far.

-Is that a goat bagpipe?

-It is a goat bagpipe.

-Oh.

He's done something odd to his hair.

Yeah, his hair, that's the problem with that picture!

So vegetarian goatsuckers, what do they eat?

He must eat the rest of the goat, surely,

before it becomes his instrument?

It's a vegetarian goatsucker. So...

-Not goats!

-There's no use saying that...

What's a goatsucker?

-It's a kind of bird, it's an order of birds called goatsuckers.

-Oh.

And they were named because there was an ancient belief

that they lived nocturnally, sucking the milk from the teats of goats,

-which sent them blind.

-Oh, God!

-Oh, I know.

-It feels like a fun-size owl.

-Well...

Like, if you're like, "Oh, I want to get an owl,

-"but I haven't got the space."

-Yeah.

"I'll get one of these."

They're called oilbirds, also known as guacharo.

And they are the only vegetarian species of goatsuckers.

Most goatsuckers eat insects, these oilbirds eat fruit.

Sorry, you said that like it's like a huge surprise to us.

-What?

-We've only just heard they existed and you went,

"These are the only ones that are vegetarians!"

Well, I've just found out.

I mean, I literally couldn't care less.

LAUGHTER

And I'm speaking on behalf of everyone in the room when I say,

"No, really, these are the only vegetarian ones?

"Wow, let's get this down."

What are you talking about? You've lost your mind!

They live in caves in the northern part of South America.

Well, no wonder they're vegetarian, what is there to eat in there?

Well, the thing about them is they get so fat

from the fruit that they eat, that they become incredibly plump and

there's an annual oil harvest where people take the plump babies in

their thousands, the local people, and they render them for the oil.

Because apparently it's excellent for fuel and also for cooking.

-Do they still suck the goats?

-Nobody sucks goats, it's...

Do you remember when Sandi had a breakdown on television

and she was talking about goatsuckers?

And then we just gave up. We asked about three times,

"What has this goat got to do with anything?"

And she just went, "Oh, it's a bird."

But then she kept on talking about goats for ages before,

-but then we just let it go.

-People will look back on it as the tipping point.

They'll say it was one show too many,

and she explained to everyone, "It's the only vegetarian goatsucker,

"but it doesn't suck goats, doesn't even do it."

-And she thought it made sense.

-Yeah, yeah.

It was an ancient belief that they sucked the teats of goats

for the milk, but they don't.

Sometimes in the old days they got things wrong.

LAUGHTER

-I'd quite like to live in a cave.

-Would you? Why?

I don't know, I always like being in a cave.

LAUGHTER

Whenever I'm in a cave, I feel quite relaxed.

This is the weirdest therapy session of all time.

I went into some really big caves once, and it was great in there.

LAUGHTER

I'd say whatever Sandi's got is catching.

And do you know what...?

If my calculations are correct, I think the wind's blowing that way.

I don't think Jason's got much hope.

OK, I've got some descriptions of perfumes

and I want you to guess which celebrity they come from, OK?

"Focused on the topic of decisiveness and persistence.

"Its composition is based on sophisticated shades of spices,

"which are blended with citruses over a masculine, elegant heart

"and a woody, leathery base."

# Smell the roses. #

-Is it David Beckham?

-It is!

-What?!

APPLAUSE

Well done, two to go.

-So it's called Beyond Forever.

-I love it.

-By David Beckham.

OK, here's the next one. Ready?

"The perfect accessory for the confident man determined to

"make his mark with passion, perseverance and drive.

"For those who aspire to create their own empire through personal

"achievement, this dynamic scent is both compelling

"and leaves a lasting impression. Bold notes..."

ROSS'S BUZZER

-Ross?

-Is it Rory Bremner?

Rory could probably do this person, I would imagine.

-Donald Trump...

-Yes! Yes!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm very, very pleased to actually have a...

-BUZZER TRUMPS

-..a trump sound.

It's called Empire, by Donald Trump.

Right, last one. Ready?

"Base notes are leather, peat fire, highland mud, burned rubber

"and white truffle."

-# Smell the... # Yes, Nish?

-Is it Ross?!

Have you not got your own perfume in the...?

I've released many scents.

But not one that people would pay for.

I quite like the idea of a perfume called Noble Gas.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, yeah.

OK.

I'm going to carry on with this one.

"Heart notes are sharp and tempting with cigar, heather, fir and rubber.

"Top notes complete the fragrance with fresh,

"spiced notes of bergamot, black pepper, pine and whisky."

# Smell it too... #

David Dickinson?

I would have to say "creosote" if it was David Dickinson.

-It's a boy.

-Is it George Clooney?

No, it's the best name for a perfume ever, I think.

It is Cumming, by Alan Cumming.

LAUGHTER

And there are lots of words called orphaned negatives.

So these are words that have the opposites,

but nobody uses them, they are now obsolete.

So, what would be the opposite of ineffable?

-Eff...

-Effable.

-Effable. But nobody ever uses it,

-it's a perfectly good word, isn't it?

-I've heard people say that.

-Effable - it's not effable?

-"Oh, he's got nice trousers on today.

"He's totally f-able."

-LAUGHTER

-It makes sense...

I mean, that could be acceptable, in polite company.

-Have you ever played the spoon game?

-What's the spoon game?

The spoon game is, you put a spoon in your mouth, a bit like that...

-Yeah.

-Put your head down, put your head down, it won't hurt.

-Put my what?

-Your head.

-Head down, right.

And you go like that.

-Right.

-M-hm?

-Then... David, you can get up now.

-Thank you.

And then David will put the spoon in his mouth and I'll put my head down.

-Yeah?

-And then a third person behind me will hit me

with incredible force with another spoon.

-And it really, really hurts.

-Yes!

So when you come up, you're enraged.

And then you put the spoon back in your mouth

and you really, really try as hard as you can.

And then they say, "Right..." And then the third person goes...

And it took me three goes before I thought,

"Hang on a minute, you're not doing that with a spoon in your mouth!"

What worried me is how compliant David was.

You had no idea.

I was just trying to look fun.

LAUGHTER

-I've known you a long time, David, it's a new look.

-Yeah.

The important thing, although oestrogen is the primary

female sex hormone, of course men have it as well -

the same as women have testosterone.

And if men didn't have oestrogen, what would happen to them?

It's the light, it's the light. Everyone is looking at that picture,

it's the light. It's not what you think!

It's just the light.

Why would you have swimming trunks made out of silk?

That's the most... I think those two women are going,

-"If you could just leave us two alone...."

-Yeah.

So, men have to have oestrogen, and if they don't have oestrogen,

-what happens to them? Do we know?

-They become ladies.

-No!

Well, they get a male menopause is the thing.

They start putting on weight and have a diminished libido.

It's like babies, when you're breast-feeding them,

at the beginning, little baby girls can have periods in the first

month, because they've taken your oestrogen.

-I did not know that.

-Yeah, that's true...

-Is this the first time you've ever had that experience?

-What?

Not knowing something?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Our perception of sharks is apparently shaped by footage

in nature documentaries, which tends to be accompanied by ominous music.

So the thing that really scares you in it is ominous music.

So here's one with silence.

Hello, my friend!

"Aaaah."

"Am I going to be on TV?"

Da-da-da-da-da!

"Aaaaawwwww!"

"Awwwww."

LAUGHTER

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Do you know what? There's a whole show for you, Alan,

in just doing fish impersonations.

We had the trout faking her orgasm last series.

We've done that.

LAUGHTER

Different orgasm, same trout.

Can you do a shark who then has an orgasm?

Can you combine...?

"Aaah."

"Ah, oooh!"

-Mildly surprised.

-Yeah.

Because they don't know they're going to have an orgasm,

they haven't learnt about orgasms or experimented with themselves,

I imagine. And then when they have an orgasm the first time,

-it must be very alarming.

-My worry is, watching you do them,

that you haven't seen someone have one before.

"Ooooh. Ooh, uh-oh!"

And then they go... When they do it for the second or the third time,

then they're much more, "Ooooooh, aah, aaah!"

"Aaaahhh!"

Is... Is everything OK at home, Alan?

What is the point of a tap in the ocean?

That's not a real picture.

LAUGHTER

It isn't a real picture, because in Britain

-you'd have two taps for no reason at all.

-Yeah.

-OK, I don't understand this.

-What?!

-So you have a hot tap and you have a cold tap, right?

-Yes.

Yes, well, how is that? So you're trying to wash your hands,

and what happens, you put it under the hot tap, you think, "Argh!"

And then you go for the cold tap, and go, "Argh!"

-"Oh, hoo, hoo, hoo! Argh!"

-Yeah.

How is it the British haven't discovered there's a mixer tap?!

-What...?

-It's the only excitement we get.

-Oh, is that...?

Did you find that baffling when you arrived?

-I still find it baffling.

-Yeah, no.

-And I don't understand radiators.

Why you want to heat an entire house with a small hot metal

-plate in the corner. It doesn't work!

-What would you do instead?

We have forced air in Canada, otherwise you freeze to death.

-What do you have? A forced what?

-What?

-Forced air, just the same as air-con. You know...

-Forced air-con?

-Yeah.

-Yeah. I've never heard the term, I'm 40... Late forties.

LAUGHTER

I genuinely didn't know how old I was then!

But I've never...

I'm not going to bother sitting here working it out,

but, I mean, I'm 50 soon and I've never heard the term "forced air".

Well, not in that context.

I love the fact, Rhod, that I'm asking you some

quite complicated science questions and you don't know how old you are.

-I'm about 49.

-You're about 49. Have you just worked it out?

Yeah.

I'm so used to saying I'm 50 in a few years.

I'm so used to saying that, that for a moment it stumped me.

No, but the thing is, though, it is quite good to know how old you are,

and the producer has just told me in my ear, Rhod, that you're 48!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, so for this I'm going to ask Aisling, please, to channel

Carol Vorderman for me, if you wouldn't mind.

-Oh!

-So here is a pen.

-So you've got to hold it up so that everybody can see.

-Yes.

So maybe Alan can help you with that.

-Well, I think I'm all right.

-No, no, I mean hold it up

so that the audience can see what you're writing.

-Oh, I see what you mean.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Thank God I got this big strong man with me

to help me carry this heavy old board.

There's a gentleman wearing a T-shirt that says

"Love Is..." Something. Any random number, please.

-Just a single-digit number.

-Eight.

-It wasn't a difficult question.

-Eight.

-Not that many of them. Right, eight. Write that down, please.

-OK.

Just to warn you, you're going to write a three-digit number

-and there's going to be quite a lot of numbers.

-So, eight.

Oh, dear God!

LAUGHTER

-Could you just start again?

-OK.

-That was just me having a gentle laugh, Sandi.

-I love it.

There is... Let's go right up the back,

the first row at the very back.

-The blue shirt at the end.

-Two.

-Two. Number two.

-OK.

-OK, there we go.

-Oh, squeaky!

-Shut up, Debbie McGee!

-And let's go over here, lady with a patterned top.

-Seven.

-Seven. 827. OK.

-Whoa.

So what I want you to do now is reverse the digits underneath.

Oh, yes.

Oh, but that's always going to be two in the middle.

Yeah, that's fine, that's fine, keep going.

-That's still an eight.

-Put it upside down.

-It's not really complicated, what I'm asking you to do.

-Yes, yes, yes.

Could you now subtract the smaller number from the larger?

Right, yeah.

OK, so we're going to do this now.

So we take eight from seven,

just not possible,

I think we all know that.

-OK.

-Yes, so we're going to do...

-Wow!

-I mean, I'm in the arts, you see, so...

-Yeah.

-It's just...

-Nine, nine, nine!

-What, stop saying "no" at me in German

and tell me what the answer is. Nine.

-Yeah, and then it's going to be...

-And then this one comes down here...

-It's going to be nine again.

-So it's three from nine.

So I need to have three numbers, so put a zero now, please.

So you have three numbers. OK. Now reverse those digits, please.

-Zero...

-Always 9.

..9, 9, and please could you add them together?

Oh...

-So 18?

-No.

So, so...

-So 9 and zero... Start again.

-Oh!

-9 and zero is 9.

-9.

-9 and 9 is 8, carry 1.

-18.

-So the answer is?

-1089.

OK, so we've come to 1089.

-OK, thank you very much.

-How exciting.

Wow, that was painful. Really painful.

APPLAUSE

So, what was the number that we had? We had 1089.

So, Noel, I'm going to pass you a copy

of 1,342 QI Facts To Leave You Flabbergasted.

-Noel?

-Yes?

-I feel really stressed.

Could you, let's see, 1089, take the tenth word on page 89

and tell me what it is?

-Yeah.

-What is it?

-French.

-French.

Here is the envelope that I did earlier.

And there is the word French.

-APPLAUSE

-No!

-RUSSELL BRAND: That's magic.

Number four? Let's have a quick look.

-The horns are the giveaway.

-Is it a goat?

-Goat?

No, much smaller. Smaller than a goat.

Reindeer.

Yes, those famous small reindeer.

-Muntjac.

-No, it's called a dik-dik.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-A dick pic?

A dik-dik. Not a dick pic.

I'd rather get one of those than a dick pic, to be honest.

Do you know why they're called dik-dik?

-Cos they've got two...

-So good they named it twice.

Because they've got two what, darling?

Er...

No, it's just I thought...

Sorry, the rest of the class want to hear it now.

-I sort of... I just...

-What was it, Nish?

Well, I was just saying.

It seemed very important that you wanted to interrupt Sandi.

You have to say it.

I was just... I was just saying that maybe they have two dicks.

Yeah, no.

It's the sound they make. It's a sort of a warning cry.

-Dick! Dick!

-Yeah.

Dick! Dick!

The thing I like about them, they are incredibly efficient with water.

They have the driest poo

and the most concentrated urine of any ungulate.

-Right.

-Wow.

Well, clearly you've never spent a night in Wetherspoon's.

And an extra point for that, cos that's true too.

Now, it's time to wrap our presents in the great QI wrapping race.

OK, so under your respective desks you're going to find paper

and scissors and tape.

And I would like you to beautifully wrap the things you've got.

So, Romesh, you need to wrap the game that we've got there for you.

And if you could find the best way....

LAUGHTER

Wrap that for me.

And, Alan, if you could wrap yours. There we are, that's lovely.

And what have you guys got to wrap up?

Lovely.

So, what do we reckon?

Best way to wrap these things up?

Are you going to say, "Ready, steady go," or something?

Ready, steady, go. Whoever does it best...

Wow! Jason, that's... Yeah.

That looks good.

-I think I've finished, Sandi.

-OK, let me see, let me see.

Alan is the winner, I think, got there first.

APPLAUSE

OK.

So, awkward items, what you need is a life-hack, OK,

to wrap something awkward.

So I've got here a small American football and a single piece

of paper, and what you actually do, and you could have done it with

any of your items, is you take your paper and you fold it like this.

And then put some tape down the middle like this.

And then you need to fold the piece of paper like this, and fold it in.

And then put some Sellotape on that, like this.

This is like Blue Peter, isn't it?

It's a really brilliant way to wrap an awkward thing.

It is basically a bag with a gusset that you can make

out of a single piece of paper and you make it like that, and you

stick your awkward thing inside and you have a very neatly wrapped gift.

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God!

APPLAUSE

Here's a collection of odd-sounding O words,

and I'd like you to pick one and use it in a sentence, please.

A cum-spliff, what the f...?

"Oh, ja, a cum-spliff.

-"Ja, cum-spliff, ja."

-He doesn't take long, he doesn't take long at all.

-No, no.

"Oppenchops, cum-spliff."

-Are you doing Oojah-cum-spliff?

-Yeah...

-Is that your one?

Cum-spliff...

What is your sentence, please, Alan?

"Oh, ja, a cum-spliff."

It's a...

It's a Dutchman having a joint in a brothel.

-Cum-spliff?

-I don't want it, I don't want it.

Get it away from me, man.

You'd be no fun in a brothel, would you?

Oh, look at Rom, he doesn't want the cum-spliff, what a prude!

Oojah-cum-spliff means all fine and dandy.

Yeah, I bet it does.

-It's a glimpse of the future.

-Yeah.

Him just talking to his chameleon.

Well, if you've got one, it doesn't do anything else, does it?

What are you going to do with it? You can't take it for a walk.

Well, it's like the first ten minutes you have with your chameleon.

"Barry? Barry! Barry!"

He's there! He's just there.

Oh, shit, it's there.

He went on a two-tone suit once and nearly had a heart attack.

Do you have this on Strictly? All you want to do is talk about the foxtrot and people are going,

-"Rumba, I want to talk rumba."

-No, I never want to talk about the foxtrot.

-No, this is good.

-What's it like? I was asked to go on it and I...

-I wish you would.

-I said...

-You could dance with the pipe, chatting.

They said, "Who do you want to...?" I said "I want to do it in character."

And they said, "Who do you want to be?" I said, "Abu Hamza."

And they said no.

Is anybody good at origami?

-I did that thing, the only thing I've done is...

-Oh, yeah, that one.

-That thing where he goes, pick a number, Josh? Oh...

-Three.

-Pick a colour.

-Red.

Hmm, hmm, hmm, he fancies you. That's all I've done.

How is it so accurate?

But I've got some very good ones for you.

-So, Josh, you can have... There we have a little jumping frog.

-Oh, a frog.

-Frog.

And, Rich, you have a jack rabbit. There's a jack rabbit for you.

And, Susan, you've got an elephant.

Oh.

And, Alan, what's this?

It's a blue whale.

-No, this is a blue whale.

-Oh, God.

All these years, still don't recognise it.

There we are.

The modern hi-tech racing catamarans have taken this one step further.

They don't even have a floppy sail any more,

they have much more like an aeroplane wing.

So if you have a look here, the AC72 catamaran, it has a rigid thing,

the same size of wing as the Boeing 747.

So using the aeroplane technology and the fact they lift out of water

onto hydrofoils, they have speeds of up to 2.79 times the speed of wind.

So, unbelievably fast.

ALAN BLOWS RASPBERRY

LAUGHTER

Do you know, people often say to me,

"What did Stephen say to you as he left?"

And the truth is, he shook his head and went, "You have no idea."

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Boats sailing across the wind can go much faster than the wind itself.

-Indeed there is...

-Oh, stop going on about the boat!

Come here.

They're so awful.

-I just...

-Oh, thank God you're here. Right.

Can you name a female outlaw?

-Well, not Jesse James.

-No.

Bonnie out of Bonnie and Clyde.

Strictly speaking,

there is no such thing as a female outlaw in British law.

Outlawry is when an individual was placed outside

the protection of the law.

And females denied protection of the law were called something else,

they were called waived women.

Isn't that awful?

So their right to any protection was said to be waived,

so left out or not regarded.

Can you name a male outlaw of the Wild West?

-Of the Wild West?

-Yeah.

-Oh.

-Billy the Whatsit?

-Billy the Whatsit?

-Billy the Kid.

-Yeah.

-Billy the Kid.

-Billy the Kid.

-Sundance Kid?

-You know, What's-Her-Name.

Butch Cassidy?

It could go on and on.

-So, again, there were no outlaws as such in the Old West...

-Oh, you amaze me.

..male or female.

So in the original meaning, an outlaw is merely somebody

-who's been put outside the law, so denied its protection.

-Right.

HE SINGS THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN THEME That's a fantastic film, isn't it?

So these were, so none of them were outlaws.

In order to be an outlaw, you had to be set outside...

LAUGHTER

-Are you trying to hum the theme tune to The Magnificent Seven?

-Yeah.

-Yes.

That's not the theme tune to The...

Do you know The Magnificent Seven? HE SINGS THEME

-No, that's Bonanza.

-Oh, that's Bonanza!

-Oh, I liked Bonanza.

-I thought Bonanza was...

-SHE SINGS NOTES

-Bonanza!

-GRAYSON PERRY:

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think that was right. I think we need...

-What's The High Chaparral?

-I demand...

-BILL BAILEY: That's The Muppets.

-Someone Google it.

Does anybody know the bloody theme tune?

HE SINGS TUNE, ALAN JOINS IN

Come on, everyone.

Anybody join in.

THEY ALL JOIN IN

-BILL BAILEY:

-Oh, no, no, it's not that.

It's not that!

How many hills was Rome built on?

-Seven.

-Seven.

Six, six, five.

-Five.

-Four, three.

- Eight. - Seven and a half.

-Oh, no, you've done it again!

-Yes! Da-da, da-da-da...

It's always been known as seven, but it seems to be a misunderstanding.

In fact, they used to have a big festival called the Septimontium,

which means seven hills, and they used to celebrate the whole thing.

But, actually, when you look at the ancient list of the hills

involved that they're celebrating, there are eight.

And Mary Beard, who's a wonderful classicist, says,

"Something has got confused there somewhere along the line."

But there's about 75 cities in the world that claim

to have been built on seven hills.

There are two Romes, two Athens.

There's a Seven Hills in Ohio, which is rather aptly named.

About a quarter of Europe's capital cities claim to be.

-Bath, where I grew up, that's supposed to be based on Rome.

-Right.

-The seven hills, but, you know...

-The seven hills.

-..I don't know.

-Lisbon's very hilly.

What's that?

They have a funicular railway.

It's like the worst TripAdvisor review.

No, on the contrary, it's a very good tip about Lisbon.

It's very hilly, it's what you need to know more than anything else.

"They said it was hilly on TripAdvisor."

You need to be warned about it, you're absolutely right.

-Edinburgh's hilly.

-Yeah.

OK, let's stop doing places that are hilly.

-Dublin's not very hilly.

-No.

-No.

OK, moving on from hilly.

Holland's completely flat, no hills at all.

Amsterdam, no, barely an incline.

Nothing at all.

No, there's no crime in Holland or Belgium

-cos you can see people coming from miles off.

-Cos you can see everyone.

Do you know, I can imagine you in a home, somehow.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Will you come and see me?

Yeah, no.

I'll bring you some mashed banana. Uh...

-Argentina, that's really hilly.

-Shut up!

I'll be in the next bed.

What was that, Alan?

-Vancouver, but it's not a capital, don't count.

-Yeah.

-Fiji, is that hilly?

-Shut up!

Do you think this is sharp enough to kill somebody?

Yeah, if you have enough intention behind it.

-Yeah.

-Oslo.

Oslo is hilly.

-That's true.

-They've got a funicular railway, and don't deny it.

That's right.

-OK.

-Yeah?

-On the subject of Rome...

-Yes.

-That is hilly, it's famous.

-That's really hilly.

You thought it was seven, but it turns out it's eight.

Eight, we know that.

-Does this qualify as entertainment?

-No.

When I'm in the company of men in a group like this, I feel happy about my life choices.

And so...

APPLAUSE

CHEERING