VG Part One QI


VG Part One

A selection of the best moments from the O Series of QI, hosted by Sandi Toksvig with Alan Davies and their guests.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Good evening and welcome to QI.

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So my first question is about ova, spelt O-V-A.

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You can't learn to ski-jump without breaking legs

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and you can't make an omelette without?

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-BOTH:

-Breaking eggs.

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Yeah!

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-And we're off and running.

-What?

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-Yes.

-But you're going to show us how you can.

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You can make an omelette without breaking eggs into a pan,

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it's called a golden egg, as we shall demonstrate.

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What you need to do is...

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-Get a chicken.

-LAUGHTER

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-An egg.

-It's in a pair of tights.

-Well, it's in a stocking.

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-A stocking, oh, right.

-So I'm going to pass this to you

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and what you need to do is you need basically to break the membrane that

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is round the egg yolk, that is called the vitelline membrane,

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that's the protein fibres.

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And what you do is you spin it, like this, and you're trying

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to shake the egg... LAUGHTER

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Actually one of the good things, when you let go

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-it does that.

-I've got a very expensive suit on at this point.

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LAUGHTER Ah, OK. Just spin it gently,

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would be the thing, yes. LAUGHTER

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I don't think we've ever had anybody who's worn expensive clothing

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on this show before. LAUGHTER

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Woohoo!

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Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

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It is a really cheap children's toy, isn't it?

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Have you broken yours? LAUGHTER

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You spin it and you mix up the egg inside the shell.

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-Right.

-It's actually quite tough to do.

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"I canna make it go any further, Jim!"

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LAUGHTER And then you boil it and it will...

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When you remove the shell, it will reveal that it is an omelette.

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That's what a man looks like...

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-That's a bloke, innit?

-..in tights.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm sure we could ask Grayson.

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Is this what a man looks like in tights?

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LAUGHTER

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-Grayson, I'm so sorry.

-I tell you, if my skirt

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-was any shorter.

-Yes.

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Let's have a look at the below-the-desk cam.

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Oh, there we go!

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Which is the odd one out out of these four?

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-Mmm...well...

-Three.

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Number three? SIREN BLARES

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-Not number three.

-I mean, this feels like this is...

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-I can't... Yeah.

-I think the last one that we pick is going to be

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-the good one, right?

-Do you think?

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-One.

-SIREN BLARES

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Aw! LAUGHTER

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Does someone get paid when that sound effect goes off?

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-LAUGHTER

-It feels like somebody...

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SIREN BLARES

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APPLAUSE

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They've been waiting 15 years for that gag.

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There are lots of what we call augmented animals,

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so animals who make themselves look a bit different.

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One of my favourites, Uraba lugens caterpillar.

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It keeps its old heads and wears them as hats.

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What?!

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Oh, my God!

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That is hoarding gone mad.

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As it grows, it sheds its exoskeleton

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and the protrusion on the top of the head remains,

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and eventually it has a stack, which it uses both as a weapon

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and as a false target for any would-be predators.

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It's known as the Mad Hatterpillar.

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-Yeah. Yeah, I mean it would be, wouldn't it?

-Yeah.

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Found in Australia and New Zealand.

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-Isn't it wonderful?

-That's incredible.

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He doesn't even need that.

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-Look...look how much you'd remember him anyway.

-Yeah.

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You know the one, do you remember the guy? You met him last week.

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He had five heads on his... Five heads as a hat.

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-Five Head Gary, yeah.

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Is this a sardine or a pilchard?

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MUSIC PLAYS

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-Bill?

-Pilchard.

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SIREN

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-OK.

-Is that the name, the pilchard?

-Try again.

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MUSIC PLAYS Yes?

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-Sardine.

-Sardine, yeah!

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SIREN

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So... MUSIC PLAYS

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-Yes?

-Dolphin!

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LAUGHTER

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If it were an optical illusion, it would be red.

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It would therefore be a red...?

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Snapper!

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-Easy, easy.

-Wow!

-Easy.

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I want that as a ring tone.

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-Wow.

-"Snapper!"

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I've got a text.

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I am aroused.

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-That is fantastic.

-Wow!

-Be brilliant that, as a gif.

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-Make that into a gif.

-Oh, Nellie.

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-"Snapper!"

-Again, again. Again...

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-Can you do it one more time, Claudia?

-..but right in my face.

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Very loud, quick snapper, come on.

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-Come on. Ready?

-I am ready.

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-Yeah. Go on.

-So, if it was an optical illusion and it was red, it would be a red...?

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-SNAP...!

-SHE LAUGHS

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APPLAUSE

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So the etymology of "ocean",

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anybody know where it comes from?

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Billy, it's named after Billy.

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Billy.

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It's Greek, Oceanus.

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The great river or sea surrounding, well,

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the only known land masses at the time, which is Eurasia and Africa,

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and the river was personified by Oceanus,

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son of Uranus for the earth, and Gaia from the sky.

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A muscular fellow, wasn't he?

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He looks like he owns, like, a Shoreditch coffee bar.

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"Oh, my God, we've got every sort of coffee you could imagine,

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"we've got the stuff made by weasels.

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"We've got..."

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He was married to his sister.

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Listen, don't knock it till you've tried it.

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How many kids do you think they had, he and his sister Tethys?

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Three kids, six heads.

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APPLAUSE

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There's another one, which is a beetle that lives in the Costa Rican rain forest.

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It's called Nymphister kronaueri,

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and it disguises itself as an army ant's bottom.

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So, that looks like it's just an ant,

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but the bit that is a protrusion,

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as if the ant has got terrible haemorrhoids, is actually a beetle.

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And what it does is, it bites onto the ant and then it rides around

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-disguised as an army ant's bottom.

-Wow.

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-What a life.

-We've all done it!

-What a life, I know!

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Do you think the ant knows what's happening...

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..why it's got an extra bum?

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Or do you think the ant is like, "Oh, my God,

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-"the piles are back?"

-Yeah.

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Well, it would keep going like that, wouldn't it?

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Yeah. "What the hell is that?"

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"There's something, I'm sure there's something..."

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And the beetle's like that...

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-Oooh...

-Suddenly, you're the Kardashian of ants.

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Oh, no, no.

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"You never see me."

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-And every now and then it goes...

-HE HUMS

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Can you hear something? I can hear something!

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But then the ant will shit in its face.

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"Oh, you ruined it!"

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"You were behind me, you stupid beetle!"

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All the other ants are going, "You don't,

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"you haven't put on any weight, you look fine!"

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"Oh, really, are you sure?" "You look fine."

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And then the five head caterpillar going,

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"Have you seen him? He's hanging onto his arse!"

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"Well he can't possibly be living down there."

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"He is, he's on his arse."

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"There's a beetle on the ant's arse."

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"There's a beetle on the ant's arse?!"

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"Yes, there's a beetle, I can see it from here."

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"Swap places, swap places."

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"Oh, hold on..."

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"Oh, there is, oh, there is, there's a beetle on the ant's arse.

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"Go and have a look."

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"I can't get up there, why am I always at the bottom?"

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APPLAUSE

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Now, doctors, what's your diagnosis here?

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He'd fallen asleep on a stag do.

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-He was running a circus school...

-The world's worst.

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..and his students hated him.

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It's a party game, is it?

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Pin the sword on the nutter.

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So, this is possibly one of the earliest anatomical drawings for medics.

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He was known as the Wound Man.

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It's a medieval image, first printed in a book, 1491, in Venice.

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It's all the various things, so he's been injured, if you look there,

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with daggers, he's been shot with arrows, he's been lacerated,

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he's been stung by bees, scorpions, been clubbed in the head,

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bitten by a dog, scratched by thorns,

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blasted by cannonballs, he's definitely got plague and bad spots,

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and he appears to have a toad in his stomach.

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So it's, as it were, the contents page to the book.

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What a shame, though, for a guy

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who obviously looks after himself and goes to the gym...

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..to go down like that.

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-He eats paleo.

-Yeah.

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You know, he's really healthy, thought he'd have a long life,

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-and then...

-All of those things happen to him.

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He's a curious contradiction, though, cos he doesn't

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look after his appearance enough to remove a sword from his head.

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No.

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But he does buy his underwear in Agent Provocateur.

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Yeah.

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They're quite snug.

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They are on the tight side, aren't they?

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Yeah. Ironically, that's the most pain he's in.

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It's time for a round of that evergreen parlour game favourite...

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OK, let's have a look at our skeletons.

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And who's going to start with number one,

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and be specific, please?

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Its teeth haven't come through.

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You're absolutely right, it's a child,

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because you can actually see the adult teeth waiting to...

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Oh, no, it's not that cute kid!

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It's not that child, is it?

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No, it's not that child, OK?

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It's another child that we don't care about!

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But that, that poor kid is a model,

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and then his parents might be just flicking through the TV

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and they're like, "Argh!"

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This looks like you've spun the world's worst fruit machine.

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APPLAUSE

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You can see the teeth waiting to come through there.

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So the process of the old teeth being pushed out

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is called exfoliation.

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We moved house recently, and behind the U-bend under the sink,

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we found this tobacco tin full of children's teeth.

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-Oh, my God.

-Yeah, yeah.

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-Is that where the Tooth Fairy puts them?

-Yes!

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And I didn't know what we should do with them, and I felt really bad,

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cos they were obviously the people who lived in the house before us,

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and it's like a family heirloom.

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So I asked our neighbour if they had a forwarding address for them,

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and they were like, "Yeah, sure." And I...

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I sent it to them, and I felt really good about myself,

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and then I was talking to my other neighbour,

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and she said, "That's so weird, cos they didn't have children."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Oh, my God.

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So I just sent a complete stranger a tin of children's teeth.

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Right, moving on...

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This is absolutely true.

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I'm the only person I know who has a mark on their hand

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from setting fire to a condom.

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Yeah, don't do this, OK.

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I was making a retractable knife for a play at university,

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and I had conceived the idea that a condom inside the mechanism

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would stop it making a sort of clunking noise.

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Anyway, it didn't. And I didn't know then that condoms

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come in packs of five, but I'd used one, so I thought,

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"Well, I can't even make a glove for washing-up,

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"so what shall I do with the other four?"

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And I didn't want people to find them in my room.

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So I thought, "Well, I'll set fire to it."

0:11:400:11:42

So I got a match and I held the condom like this,

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and if you set fire to the end of a condom, the tight bit at the end,

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it separates itself from the rest of the condom,

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flies in a little arc and embeds itself in your hand.

0:11:490:11:51

I'm just warning you now.

0:11:510:11:53

Why didn't you just put them in the bin, Sandi?

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Stuff them in a chicken, that's what I'd do.

0:11:570:11:59

Stuff them in a chicken?!

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What, one that's just walking past?

0:12:020:12:04

-Good hiding place for stuff, isn't it, chickens?

-Chickens?

0:12:060:12:09

I'd stuff the chicken in it and use it as a nice roasting bag.

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Keep the juices in,

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they're definitely not going to escape at the end.

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But at some point, the end of the condom's going to separate

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and burst itself through the oven door.

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And that's how you know the chicken's ready!

0:12:210:12:23

APPLAUSE

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What we're going to do now is we're going to test out

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how a dog does on sniffing things out.

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I have here some contraband,

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which I am going to give to you, Alan.

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-OK.

-And what I would like you to do is put it in your pocket.

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-Put it in my...

-And go and hide in the audience.

0:12:400:12:43

Go and hide in Croydon.

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So the audience have got special masks to put on,

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so if they could put, those who've got masks could put them on.

0:12:490:12:52

-Oh, my God!

-It's terrifying.

0:12:520:12:54

-Argh, it's like a sea of... It's awful.

-It's completely terrifying!

0:12:540:12:57

-Oh, God!

-Now this is a very special episode of Jonathan Creek.

0:12:590:13:02

-There you go.

-I never thought I'd be involved

0:13:040:13:06

in a live game of Where's Wally.

0:13:060:13:07

OK. We now welcome, please, to the studio, from the RAF Police,

0:13:110:13:13

Corporal Sam Robson Rodriguez and Rex.

0:13:130:13:16

Sam, thank you so much for coming in

0:13:260:13:28

and supplying us with the dummy contraband.

0:13:280:13:30

Tell me about Rex, and what his job is?

0:13:300:13:33

Well, Rex is a five-year-old black lab.

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His main job is to search for drugs,

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anywhere we want to put him, basically.

0:13:370:13:39

And how's he trained? How do you make him be able to do that?

0:13:390:13:42

Well, we start searching for, like, their toys,

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and then we just associate the toys with the drugs.

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Then, in their head, they'll think they're searching for their toy,

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whereas in fact we want them to search for drugs.

0:13:490:13:51

And how many scents can Rex recognise, do you think?

0:13:510:13:53

He's trained in all the main scents,

0:13:530:13:55

and basically anything that you can make out of that.

0:13:550:13:57

-So he looks keen to get going.

-He does.

0:13:570:13:59

Right, Sam, please, over to you, my lovely.

0:13:590:14:00

Yeah, thank you very much.

0:14:000:14:02

-Rex. Come here.

-I do hope nobody in the audience has got anything.

0:14:040:14:08

LAUGHTER

0:14:080:14:09

Do you know what? I really hope somebody does.

0:14:100:14:13

That would be...wouldn't that just be the best bit of telly ever,

0:14:130:14:16

if you just...if he dragged someone to the floor and just,

0:14:160:14:19

just dragged them out?

0:14:190:14:21

A live drug bust on QI.

0:14:210:14:23

He's so far ignoring everybody.

0:14:240:14:26

So that's good for that side.

0:14:260:14:28

How will he...how will he show, if he knows?

0:14:300:14:33

They have either a stand indication or a sit indication.

0:14:340:14:36

Oh. Is he sniffing your crotch, Alan?

0:14:360:14:39

-Is it in your left pocket?

-Oh, my God!

0:14:410:14:43

Let's have a round of applause, please, for Rex and Sam.

0:14:430:14:46

Sam and Rex, very good, thank you very much.

0:14:520:14:54

When is it cool to wet your pants?

0:14:580:15:00

Is it when it's, like, in a hot situation?

0:15:020:15:04

Obviously, we're going to be, yes, somewhere hot.

0:15:040:15:06

Is it to do with jellyfish, you know, when you have to pee on a...?

0:15:060:15:09

-Cos my daughter got stung by a jellyfish in South Africa.

-Right.

0:15:090:15:12

And she was crying, really upset, and so I pulled my tankini,

0:15:120:15:15

which is what older women wear instead of a bikini,

0:15:150:15:18

I pulled it to the side to pee,

0:15:180:15:20

and the sight of my pulled-to-the-side gusset

0:15:200:15:22

-fully stopped her crying.

-Yes, I would imagine.

0:15:220:15:25

It worked really well.

0:15:250:15:27

-And she begged me not to pee on the sting.

-No.

-Is it to do...? No?

0:15:270:15:29

Does she still have dreams about this?

0:15:290:15:31

She does, yeah, and, you know, we're working on it.

0:15:310:15:33

-It's best. OK.

-We're working it through.

0:15:330:15:35

I think we're all going to have dreams about it, aren't we?

0:15:350:15:37

Now, name an endangered mammal that eats bamboo.

0:15:390:15:43

-BOTH:

-Panda!

0:15:440:15:45

SIREN

0:15:450:15:47

Hey!

0:15:470:15:49

Not so, why?

0:15:500:15:51

-Bill, any idea?

-Well, they're not that endangered.

0:15:510:15:55

They're no longer endangered.

0:15:550:15:56

Oh, they're all over the place.

0:15:560:15:58

-They're vulnerable.

-You can't go in any shopping centre in London

0:15:580:16:01

without them taking up all the seats.

0:16:010:16:03

-Yeah.

-Elephants eat bamboo, is there a right answer?

0:16:030:16:05

There is a right answer, but it isn't panda,

0:16:050:16:07

because they are no longer designated as endangered.

0:16:070:16:10

-Tree sloths.

-It's a golden bamboo...?

0:16:100:16:13

-..eater.

-..lemur.

0:16:130:16:14

-There, look, how cute is that?

-Aww.

0:16:140:16:16

Look at his little face!

0:16:160:16:18

-Aah, look, cute.

-And then a bird of prey!

0:16:180:16:20

HE SCREECHES

0:16:220:16:23

There's only the two of us left now!

0:16:250:16:27

Phone the World Wildlife Fund. Stop eating the bamboo!

0:16:270:16:30

That's why they see us!

0:16:300:16:32

We're making the same mistakes again and again and again!

0:16:390:16:42

We need to adapt to new habitats!

0:16:420:16:44

Shut up, I'm eating all the bamboo before the bird comes back!

0:16:450:16:48

I love bamboo, I bloody love it!

0:16:490:16:51

You can do so much with it. You can grill it, you can fry it.

0:16:510:16:54

You can chop it up and...

0:16:540:16:57

You can make scaffolding out of it, for building a lemur house.

0:16:570:17:00

It's a very flexible plant, everyone knows that!

0:17:000:17:03

You can make a xylophone out of it, for God's sake!

0:17:030:17:05

There's loads of it, why are we dying out?!

0:17:050:17:07

-We should be thriving.

-We're not having enough sex.

0:17:080:17:11

No.

0:17:110:17:13

It doesn't really look like bamboo, though,

0:17:130:17:14

I mean, it looks like he's crimping the end of a joint.

0:17:140:17:17

"Yeah, let's crimp it, here we are, that's that.

0:17:210:17:23

"Right, OK, come on everyone."

0:17:230:17:25

-The Camberwell Carrot.

-Yeah.

0:17:260:17:28

Now, you'll need to sort the sheep from the goats.

0:17:310:17:34

So let's play...

0:17:340:17:36

This has really dumbed down, hasn't it?

0:17:430:17:45

-I like it, I like it.

-This show used to be something. I mean...

0:17:480:17:50

What is the difference between a sheep and a goat?

0:17:500:17:53

I think it's something that they do, rather than what they look like.

0:17:530:17:57

The simplest way to tell them apart is that goats' tails point upwards.

0:17:570:18:01

That is the easiest way.

0:18:010:18:02

It's almost like they're asking for it.

0:18:020:18:04

Don't listen to him, he's a bad man!

0:18:070:18:09

-That is a kind of...

-That's why they have the horns, right?

0:18:090:18:12

-That's the whole point of the horns.

-Yeah.

0:18:120:18:14

Don't listen to him, either!

0:18:140:18:15

They're both terrible men.

0:18:150:18:17

So sorry.

0:18:180:18:20

So another clear distinction is kind of a martial arts style.

0:18:200:18:23

So rams back up and charge in order to butt heads,

0:18:230:18:27

whereas billies will rear up. Look at that, that's fantastic.

0:18:270:18:29

They'll rear up on their hind legs and try and nut their opponent there.

0:18:290:18:32

-Oh, OK.

-And when the two species fight each other,

0:18:320:18:35

the ram style gives an advantage, cos he hits the billy in the middle,

0:18:350:18:38

-amidships, there.

-But also, another difference between them is,

0:18:380:18:41

they look different.

0:18:410:18:43

They look different. Spelt differently.

0:18:450:18:49

Tails.

0:18:490:18:50

-They have different names.

-Different names.

0:18:500:18:52

OK. Let's find out whether you're right,

0:18:520:18:55

whether it is in fact cos they look different, as we play,

0:18:550:18:58

Sorting The Sheep From The Goats!

0:18:580:19:00

I'm telling you, Jimmy, you're going to be hosting this

0:19:070:19:10

before long. This quiz show.

0:19:100:19:11

OK, here we go, first picture.

0:19:110:19:14

-Goat.

-Sheep, sheep.

0:19:140:19:15

SIREN

0:19:150:19:17

In your face!

0:19:180:19:19

You had it, it's a sheep.

0:19:190:19:21

The giveaway is the long, floppy ears there.

0:19:210:19:23

That's definitely a sheep. OK.

0:19:230:19:24

-And the fact that it's a sheep.

-All right.

0:19:240:19:26

Next one.

0:19:260:19:28

-Ah...

-Oh.

-Sheep.

0:19:280:19:30

SIREN

0:19:300:19:31

It looks it.

0:19:310:19:32

Ha-ha, ha-ha!

0:19:320:19:34

Colin, say the opposite of what it looks like, I think that's the game.

0:19:340:19:39

-Say the opposite.

-A dog.

0:19:390:19:40

It's an angora goat.

0:19:400:19:42

Next one. What are going for?

0:19:420:19:44

I'm saying sheep, cos it looks like a goat.

0:19:440:19:46

OK, the main reason we know it's a sheep is cos the tail is down.

0:19:460:19:48

-Tail's down!

-Oh!

0:19:480:19:50

OK. Next one. What do we reckon about this one?

0:19:500:19:54

-Pig sheep.

-It is a pig.

0:19:570:19:59

It's a curly-coated Mangalitza from Austria or the borders of Hungary.

0:19:590:20:03

Actually, the really extraordinary thing was,

0:20:030:20:05

I talked about sheep's tails hanging down,

0:20:050:20:07

so about a quarter of the world's sheep

0:20:070:20:09

are what they call fat-tailed varieties.

0:20:090:20:11

They store fat in their tails.

0:20:110:20:13

-Whoa!

-They've got booties.

-Yeah, just like a camel stores fat.

0:20:130:20:16

Can we show that?

0:20:160:20:18

What should I do if I spill red wine on the tablecloth?

0:20:220:20:25

So, gentlemen,

0:20:250:20:26

I'm going to give you a tablecloth

0:20:260:20:28

and you've got some wine between you.

0:20:280:20:31

Wine, yes. Wine, lovely wine.

0:20:310:20:33

All right, there we go.

0:20:330:20:35

If you think any of it's going on the tablecloth,

0:20:350:20:37

you are sadly mistaken.

0:20:370:20:39

A merry, merry, merry Christmas to you all.

0:20:410:20:44

I've had drinks with you before, and I suspect I am not mistaken.

0:20:440:20:47

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:470:20:49

-OK, so...

-Pouring the red on.

0:20:510:20:53

-Do a bit of red on.

-A little bit of red on there.

0:20:530:20:55

OK. Now, what would you do about that?

0:20:550:20:56

-I've gone, "Ooh, my tablecloth!" What are you going to do?

-Oh!

0:20:560:20:59

-Get me some white wine, get some white wine.

-White.

0:20:590:21:01

SIREN

0:21:010:21:03

-Can we try it, at least?

-You can give it a go, yeah.

0:21:040:21:07

I mean, it's a bit unfair to give us white wine and then have a go at us

0:21:070:21:10

-for mentioning it, but...

-Yeah. OK, have a go.

0:21:100:21:12

-So...

-It's gone, it's gone!

-Yes.

0:21:150:21:17

So, it will dilute the stain,

0:21:180:21:21

but it contains complex sugars.

0:21:210:21:22

It's perfectly possible that the white wine will discolour the cloth.

0:21:220:21:25

So you two, you've got a bit of carpet that you've spilled yours on.

0:21:250:21:29

I have seen that work, though.

0:21:290:21:31

-Spill a bit of red.

-Shall I spill it?

0:21:310:21:32

Yeah, go on. It's Liberty Hall.

0:21:320:21:35

-There we go.

-Oh, God.

0:21:350:21:36

Red on the carpet... Wow, you just went crazy!

0:21:360:21:38

You assumed that you were doing just the one experiment did you, Holly?

0:21:400:21:43

And you were going to get it right first time out of the gate?

0:21:430:21:46

-Right, Jason, what are you going to do?

-I've got all sorts here, so...

0:21:460:21:49

-OK, go, yes.

-I think there's some, is that soda water?

0:21:490:21:51

-Yes. That's...

-Is it water?

-Yes.

-Maybe a bit of salt?

0:21:510:21:55

OK, you were doing...

0:21:550:21:56

SIREN

0:21:560:21:58

-Not salt?

-Not salt.

0:21:580:22:00

Salt will absorb the wine initially, but it's also a fixative.

0:22:000:22:03

So unless you manage to get all the salt out, it's possible

0:22:030:22:05

that what you're actually doing is making the stain permanent.

0:22:050:22:08

Well, this is...this is doing a good job.

0:22:080:22:09

-I mean, I'm getting...

-So the tip is, blot it...

0:22:090:22:12

-I'd open the vinegar.

-So, again, the vinegar,

0:22:120:22:14

frankly no better than water, and extremely expensive.

0:22:140:22:16

-What's this, then?

-No better than water.

0:22:160:22:18

It's also acidic, so it's going to possibly discolour the cloth.

0:22:180:22:22

It's going through the desk! It's going through the desk!

0:22:220:22:25

Argh, it's like Alien!

0:22:250:22:27

So the tip is...

0:22:270:22:29

Get Ripley!

0:22:290:22:30

-The tip is to... Oh, no.

-Sorry, I splashed you.

0:22:300:22:33

Well, that's put that fire out.

0:22:430:22:46

-That didn't work, Sandi.

-That didn't work, no.

0:22:460:22:48

What you need to do is blot it with kitchen paper.

0:22:480:22:51

I was going to take this notebook home.

0:22:510:22:53

Well, that's sorted that out, that's...

0:22:590:23:00

What did the Nazis call this?

0:23:030:23:05

Um...

0:23:070:23:08

Aaah...

0:23:090:23:11

Aah. Who's going to go for it?

0:23:110:23:13

-Stephen?

-The future!

0:23:130:23:14

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:23:140:23:16

Not, I'm told they didn't call it a swastika?

0:23:230:23:25

They did not call it the swastika. They called it the Hakenkreuz.

0:23:250:23:28

It's the German for "hooked cross",

0:23:280:23:30

and in Germany, in fact, it's still referred to,

0:23:300:23:32

except when discussing it in a neo-Nazi context,

0:23:320:23:35

in which case it's called the swastika.

0:23:350:23:36

But Hitler was mad for it.

0:23:360:23:37

And after his party adopted the swastika,

0:23:370:23:39

he actually changed his signature to S Hitler,

0:23:390:23:42

because the shape of the S mimicked, there, you can see there,

0:23:420:23:45

-it mimicked the shape of the swastika.

-"Sadolf."

0:23:450:23:47

Yes, Sadolf.

0:23:470:23:49

Sadolf Shitler.

0:23:500:23:52

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:23:530:23:57

Do you know what? I've never seen it.

0:23:590:24:01

Oh, Josh!

0:24:010:24:03

Oh, really, never?

0:24:030:24:05

You've never seen the...?

0:24:050:24:06

# You are 16, going on 17. #

0:24:060:24:09

Yeah, it's like that, but with a tune. And...

0:24:090:24:11

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:110:24:14

-Do you know, I was once lucky enough to meet Julie Andrews.

-Oh, wow.

0:24:180:24:21

It's the only time in my entire life I've been completely speechless.

0:24:210:24:24

Cos she wouldn't shut up?

0:24:240:24:25

She just kept asking me what my favourite things were, it was very annoying.

0:24:250:24:29

-I'm not laughing, cos I don't know...

-Do you like string?

0:24:330:24:35

Do you like 'em tied up with string?

0:24:350:24:37

I bet you do, girl, I bet you do!

0:24:370:24:40

What's a deer, what's a female deer? Come on!

0:24:400:24:42

Oh, Julie, leave me alone!

0:24:420:24:45

I'll get the puppets out, I'll get the puppets out.

0:24:470:24:49

Do you want to see the goatherd?

0:24:490:24:51

-FALSETTO:

-# High on the hill. # It wasn't me singing!

0:24:520:24:55

# High on the hill. #

0:24:550:24:57

I'm Maria, I'll be back with you, I'm Maria.

0:24:580:25:00

What's up, Julie? God!

0:25:020:25:04

APPLAUSE

0:25:040:25:06

I'll be honest, I understood none of that.

0:25:120:25:15

If you were on the moon and you jumped off...

0:25:180:25:20

-Yes?

-Would you land on the Earth?

0:25:200:25:22

Hold on, hold on, what are you doing on the moon, anyway?

0:25:230:25:26

-Well, I don't know, maybe...

-Have you been left behind by a spacecraft?

0:25:260:25:29

Yeah. You got an Uber and it went horribly wrong.

0:25:290:25:31

It depends which side you're on.

0:25:310:25:32

I just think, if you jumped off the moon, you would just fall,

0:25:340:25:36

-and you'd land on Earth.

-Yeah. I don't think you'd be in a great state.

0:25:360:25:39

I mean, I think you'd be like Wound Man,

0:25:390:25:41

-by the time you got down.

-Yeah, you would.

0:25:410:25:43

They know about space. This is my problem with the sea.

0:25:430:25:45

-Right.

-They can tell us all kinds of things about planets and space

0:25:450:25:48

and other galaxies, they've been to the moon, allegedly, but they've...

0:25:480:25:51

LAUGHTER

0:25:510:25:53

..not been to the bottom of the sea.

0:25:530:25:55

-I've been to the bottom of the sea, in part of it.

-Have you?

-Yes.

0:25:550:25:58

-What's down there?

-My feet.

0:25:580:26:00

The fact is, nobody knows for sure

0:26:050:26:07

how to separate the sardines from the pilchards.

0:26:070:26:11

OK, in theory, how fast can this boat sail?

0:26:110:26:15

OK. Oh, the jib's broken.

0:26:150:26:17

Oh hang on a minute. Wait, wait, wait.

0:26:170:26:19

-Oh, there we are. OK. Do it again.

-Is it depending on the wind?

0:26:190:26:22

Yes, one moment, hold that thought and I'll do it again.

0:26:220:26:24

OK, nobody knows for sure

0:26:240:26:26

how to separate the sardines from the pilchards.

0:26:260:26:28

In theory, how fast...?

0:26:280:26:30

Something about wind!

0:26:300:26:31

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:26:310:26:34

Oh, how unusual, a boy who came before I was ready.

0:26:390:26:42

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:26:420:26:45

-Sorry.

-Sorry, sorry.

-Sorry.

0:26:520:26:54

-Put your glasses on.

-Sorry, it's happened again, sorry.

-Back to square one.

0:26:560:26:59

-I'll see you tomorrow, same time.

-See you tomorrow, bloody...

0:26:590:27:01

I'm going to do it again.

0:27:060:27:08

OK, baby!

0:27:090:27:11

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:110:27:14

Well, you know what to do, don't you?

0:27:160:27:18

I'm ready, ready. Come on.

0:27:200:27:22

On and on and...

0:27:220:27:24

-Just in an hour.

-Right. OK, here we go.

0:27:240:27:26

All right, then, I'm ready, I'm ready, baby.

0:27:260:27:30

Say the words, lady.

0:27:300:27:33

Bill, shut the fuck up!

0:27:330:27:35

LAUGHTER

0:27:350:27:36

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:360:27:38

Claudia, I'm going to bring out a yacht.

0:27:430:27:45

I'm excited about it.

0:27:450:27:46

And you're going to say, "Is it something to do with the wind?"

0:27:460:27:49

I want to do it!

0:27:490:27:51

-I'm doing it!

-OK.

-Go ahead.

-Shush! Put your wine away,

0:27:530:27:55

put your wine away.

0:27:550:27:57

God, it's bloody, it's just like being at school.

0:27:570:28:00

"Put your wine away."

0:28:000:28:02

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:28:020:28:04

-Take your blindfold off.

-Yeah. Shut up, put your wine away.

0:28:050:28:08

Shut up, put your wine away! God! I'll tell you what...

0:28:080:28:11

-Happiest days of our lives.

-Bloody hell!

0:28:110:28:13

Bovington Gurney Primary was a rough school of hard knocks,

0:28:130:28:16

I'm telling you.

0:28:160:28:18

"Here, Bailey, put your wine away and shut the fuck up!"

0:28:180:28:21

Right. Quiet!

0:28:240:28:26

Here we go. Nobody knows for sure

0:28:300:28:32

how to separate the sardines from the pilchards.

0:28:320:28:35

In theory...

0:28:350:28:36

LAUGHTER

0:28:360:28:38

..how fast can this boat sail?

0:28:380:28:40

Claudia, what do you think?

0:28:400:28:41

Is it...?

0:28:410:28:43

-Has it got something to do with wind?

-Yes!

0:28:430:28:45

LAUGHTER

0:28:450:28:48

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:480:28:52

LAUGHTER

0:28:520:28:56

A selection of the best moments from the O Series of QI, hosted by Sandi Toksvig with Alan Davies and their guests.


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