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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening and welcome to QI.

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Tonight we are heading Overseas,

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and helping me to oversee proceedings

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are the Maharaja of Mirth, Bill Bailey.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The Sultana of Swing, Desiree Burch.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The Grand Vizier of Gags, Colin Lane.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And on his "gap yahh", Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Right, let's OVERSEA their buzzers. Bill goes:

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# Over the hills and far away... #

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That's lovely. Desiree goes:

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# It's a long way to Tipperary... #

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Colin goes:

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# I come from a land down under... #

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Alan goes:

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# Show me the way to go home

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# I'm tired and I wanna go to bed... #

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That's like the ultimate drunk song, isn't it, that?

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-Yeah.

-Now, which Australian icon is regularly smeared in olive oil?

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-# Go home... #

-Oh, Alan was in.

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Colin Lane.

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KLAXON BLARES

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And it's not a good look.

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So, I need an Australian icon regularly smeared in olive oil.

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Well, would it be an animal of some kind?

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A beast, a thing?

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-No, it's not an animal.

-Sydney Harbour Bridge is...

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-OK, you're getting close.

-Ooh.

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-Opera House?

-Yes, the Opera House is absolutely the right answer.

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-Why did you say that?

-It's 200 metres

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-from the Sydney Harbour bridge.

-Yeah, exactly.

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And you said that was close when he said...

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So there was a Greek migrant who arrived in Sydney in 1964,

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Steve Tsoukalas, and he loved the building immediately.

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It was being built, he decided he wanted to work there.

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He is still working there, he's the longest-serving employee,

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and he was inspired by his own Greek heritage.

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So he said, "Olive oil for the Greeks means a lot of things,

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"the Greeks used olive oil in the Olympic Games to rub on the body.

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"Olive oil protects from the sun."

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And he decided that the building needed to be rubbed in olive oil.

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The fact is, it doesn't protect it from the sun, at all,

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but it stops the railings and the door frames

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-and the windows from getting rusty.

-Ah.

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He's still working there more than 50 years later.

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And does it not deter people from clambering on it,

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-I'd imagine, as well?

-Because you'd slide off because of the olive oil.

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I love the design of it, I think the design of it is extraordinary.

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Apparently the Danish architect, Jorn Utzon...

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SHE CHUCKLES

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He got the idea when he was peeling an orange.

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It's the segments of an orange, and then the 14 shells,

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if you put them together, would make a perfect sphere.

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What I love about it is his design was recovered from a reject pile.

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It was a competition and he got £5,000 for winning the competition.

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There are lots of different ways of cleaning buildings.

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York Minster found covering the building in a paint made from olive oil

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can also help to protect it from rain damage.

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So one of the components of olive oil is an acid

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that reacts with limestone surfaces,

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and it creates a barrier and stops water getting into the stone.

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So actually it is a wonderful thing, olive oil.

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It's a panacea, for buildings.

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I remember, we had this neighbour once, who hated squirrels,

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and he painted all the trees with anti-climb paint.

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And... Which was, obviously I don't know whether that's cruel or what,

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-I don't know, but it was hilarious to watch.

-Quite funny, yeah.

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The cat would chase the squirrel, and the squirrel would go,

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"Hey, I'm out of here!"

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There are other things you can do with...

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I don't think I can say this - other things you can do with olive oil!

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Cover opera houses.

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-Yes.

-Well, in Turkey, oil wrestling is the national sport.

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They have an annual world series, it's called the Kirkpinar.

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40 Springs. It's the oldest

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continuing sporting event in the world.

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There are 13 weight categories, from Best Beginner,

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all the way up to Chief Wrestler, and taking in Big Medium,

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Small Medium Big and Small And Sweet.

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Which I like.

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You are allowed to put your hand down your opponent's trousers.

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-Hmm, there you go.

-But it is explicitly against the rules

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to grab your opponent's testicles or invade his rectum.

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That was going to be the one, right there.

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-Just, ooh!

-You can, if you want, you can put a squirrel down there.

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-And that's...

-Yes.

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This looks like an instructional video of a pickpocket.

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It's like, do's and don't's.

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Do aim for the pocket.

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Yes.

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The one on the right really looks compliant.

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He's saying, "You can invade it if you like.

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"I won't say a word!"

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"It's not an invasion if I invite you in there."

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Right, moving on, um...

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What did the Romans think the Britons had ever done for them?

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I'm going to give you a clue, it begins with O.

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Orienteering. They just went in straight lines,

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whereas we could go from point to point over all terrain.

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-Via a youth hostel.

-Yes.

-Yes.

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-They've got nothing to eat.

-Octopus.

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Orally.

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THEY ALL MUMBLE SLOWLY

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Ovaltine!

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-Oysters.

-Oysters.

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When they came to Britain, they fell in love with our oysters.

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The first century BC Roman historian, Sallust, he said,

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"Poor Britons, there is some good in them after all.

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"They have produced an oyster."

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So, do you like oysters? I love oysters.

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-Yes.

-Yeah, they're fantastic.

-I think they are just delicious.

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-I'll tell you what is nice.

-Yeah.

-Fish paste.

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Innit, though? Fish paste on toast.

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-Oh, it is, yeah.

-Can you still get that?

-Yeah.

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Yeah, you can get that.

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And Salisbury Cathedral is covered in it.

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It stops the pigeons from landing.

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I just made that up, I don't know, it could be true, I don't know.

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It sounds plausible.

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They used to transport the oysters from here all the way

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over the Alps in carts filled with snow and ice.

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The wealthier Romans used to have salt water tanks in their gardens,

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so they could keep them fresh for parties and that sort of thing.

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Oysters aside, I have to say,

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the Romans viewed the British as uncultured and backwards.

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They mocked their abundance of tattoos and lack of clothing.

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-Nothing's changed.

-Nothing's changed.

-No!

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The second century historian, Herodian, he reported the reason

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they didn't wear clothes was to show off their tattoos.

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Oysters have been popular in this country for a long time.

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There's a horrible story of William Thackeray.

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He tried one the size of a dinner plate when he was in New York,

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in 1852, and he described it,

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"Like swallowing a live baby."

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In the 19th century, London was plagued by a man called Dando,

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the celebrated oyster glutton.

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This man was constantly sent to prison for overeating oysters

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and not paying the bill. And he became a sort of folk hero.

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And every time he left prison,

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he went back out and immediately started eating oysters again,

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not paying for them, and then back in again.

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There's a wonderful story about him leaving Brixton prison,

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still in the prison garb, he eats 13 dozen oysters,

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and washes it down with five bottles of ginger beer,

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because he was, "troubled with wind in the stomach."

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You'd think he'd eat a quieter food if he'd been thrown in jail.

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It's all that slurping. Eat marshmallows.

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-Yes, something.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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He once ate 240 oysters in one sitting.

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GASPING I know, that is really...

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-Audible gasps!

-Yes. So, anyway.

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On the screen we have some anagrams of country names.

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I want you to see how many you can work out.

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And you've got just a few seconds.

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Write them down, please.

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-What are we working out, sorry?

-What countries these are anagrams of.

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Well, I've got the first two.

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After that I'm in trouble.

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OK. Who got all four?

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# Down under... #

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Oh, Colin.

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KLAXON BLARES

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-"I did." I did is wrong?

-Yes, it is wrong.

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It's not possible to get all four, how many did you get?

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Only the two.

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-Just two?

-Yeah.

-Colin, what did you think they were, darling?

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-Well, Wales.

-Yes.

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-France.

-Yes.

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-Angola.

-Ah, there you go.

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And Kazakhstan.

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Yeah, it would be Kazakhstan, except there is an extra E.

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So the fourth one is not possible.

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Here is the thing.

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It's not good that you thought you'd got all four,

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because what they now know is that you are more likely to act immorally

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if you spend time abroad.

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Yes, I just thought that I was right, but I wasn't.

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So I didn't actually purposely lie.

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No, no. So they did a study of this.

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They got people to solve anagrams, and what they've discovered is,

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that people who spend time abroad

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are more likely to say that they've done something correctly.

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48% of people who spent a year in a foreign country cheated on the test,

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compared with 30% of the others.

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The idea is that your moral compass loses some of its precision.

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The further from your home country?

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Yeah. So a fifth of people admitted to stealing while they've been in a foreign country.

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So, what you're saying is that you go abroad,

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you live abroad for a bit, and you sort of, kind of, almost have

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a bit of licence to re-invent yourself a little bit,

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-and become a different person...

-Be a bit naughty.

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..who would do things you'd not normally do?

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Yeah. So 20% of people admitted to urinating in public when abroad,

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but wouldn't dream of doing it.

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-Oh.

-Although, the first time I came over to Europe,

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everyone was pissing everywhere.

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Out along the streets, it was like, this is the way of the Europeans.

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-Everyone...

-Oh. Whereabouts in Britain were you at this point?

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So, lots of people do that. 5% of people who did the survey,

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drinking too much has led to a naked escapade in public,

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but only when abroad.

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I've never, have you had a naked escapade abroad?

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I don't know why I'm looking at you, Bill.

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Um, no, well, no. Well, all right, well...

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Yeah, I have. Yeah.

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I got locked out of a room once.

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The thing I don't understand, Expedia, a travel company,

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they did a survey in 2002, and the British were voted

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the worst tourists in the world.

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Yeah!

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-Champions!

-Number one! In your face, Europe!

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Well, because Europe,

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your liquor laws make everything close at midnight,

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and then you go to these places where you can drink until 4am.

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You don't know how to pace or control yourselves.

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-No, that's true.

-It's like, "Lads! Lads! Lads!" Everywhere.

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And people are like, really, it's OK, you can...

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There's more to drink tomorrow, stop for now.

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Guess who's the best tourists in the world?

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No, darling, it's not the Australians.

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-Japanese?

-Japanese, yeah, absolutely.

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The most polite, quietest, cleanest, least likely to complain.

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-Yeah.

-And by the way, as far as alcohol is concerned, Australia,

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we never touch the stuff.

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They never touch your shitty lager, that's for sure.

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Well, we...we don't touch it either,

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that's why we sent it all over here.

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My favourite story about people getting drunk abroad

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happened in 2012, with two Welsh holiday-makers.

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They drank a litre and a half of vodka, right?

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So this is like two wine bottles, basically, of vodka.

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-Bloody hell.

-They were in Queensland and they woke up to find

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they were sharing their apartment with a fairy penguin called Dirk

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they had obtained by breaking into SeaWorld the night before.

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They're the smallest species of penguin, about 13 inches high.

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They had apparently also swum with the dolphins

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and let off a fire extinguisher in the shark pool.

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They then tried to care for the penguin by giving it a shower.

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I feel like this is a plot to a Hollywood film,

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like, they've had the best vacation they'll never remember.

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No. Yes, you're absolutely right.

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And then they tried to put it in a canal,

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because they didn't know what to do with it.

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-What a night.

-Yeah, seriously.

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-Top night out.

-Yeah.

-Once you've put out a shark that's on fire...

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But can you imagine waking up drunk and there's a penguin right there?

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How did they find out it was called Dirk?

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-I think SeaWorld said, "Where the hell is Dirk?"

-Oh, OK.

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-Dirk's always out with the Welsh lads.

-Yeah.

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Now, we all know who was overpaid, oversexed and over here.

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But who was overpaid, undersexed and over there?

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-Well, these are GIs we're talking about.

-OK, GIs. Yeah.

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-But you're saying there was an equivalent?

-Yes.

-Oh, OK, undersexed.

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Oh, all the women who were left behind waiting,

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-although they weren't overpaid, were they?

-No.

-Well, it depends.

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So, during the Second World War,

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the wives of the American servicemen who'd been sent to fight abroad,

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they got an allotment. It was known as an allotment,

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and it was 50 a month for their husband's tour.

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And if the husband died in battle, they got 10,000 life insurance.

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Some of the women thought, "That's a marvellous idea."

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So they married as many men as they could.

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So they were bigamists.

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They were known as Allotment Annies.

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There's a fabulous story about one of them, Elvira Taylor,

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she was 17 years old, and she had married two men,

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and she was caught out by the most unbelievably unlucky coincidence.

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There were two American sailors in a pub, this is not them,

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this is just us showing two American sailors.

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And they both showed a photograph of their wife...

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..to the other, and it turns out she was in fact married to both of them,

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as well as four other sailors.

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Oh, hashtag role models.

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In fact, the practice was considered so widespread that warnings against possible bigamists

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were printed in every civil notice of every single marriage.

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There was even a film, Allotment Wives, released about them.

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Hundreds of women were convicted after the war

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of having been Allotment Annies.

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-Wow.

-Allotment Annies.

-I know, it's a great phrase, isn't it?

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-It is, yeah.

-OK.

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Who am I talking about? A great beauty, pouty lips, long legs,

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good posture, firm ears, and spits in your face when you annoy them?

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-Camel.

-It is a camel, indeed.

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-Yeah.

-Pouty lips?

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Pouty lips, yes. There you are, look,

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they have naturally pouty lips.

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Every year the government of which country,

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it's the only one in the world begins with O?

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-Oman.

-Oman, runs a camel beauty contest.

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So I've got the guidelines for a beautiful camel.

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"Well-proportioned body and face."

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-Essential.

-Essential. "A long gharib."

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Anybody know what the gharib is?

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-Gharib.

-The penis.

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Is it their neck thing?

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It is the area between the hump and the neck, is the gharib.

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-Oh, OK.

-"Long body, firm ears, pouty lips.

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"Broad cheeks, big whiskers, a long, straight neck,

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"long straight legs and fur shimmer."

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A shiny coat, I guess.

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Yeah. And the most important thing is it's got to be large.

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There are no hybrid breeds, no fur dying, colouring, tattooing,

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that kind of thing. The natural look is what they want.

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But there are other animal beauty contests,

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and one of them is held here in the UK.

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It's an annual tarantula beauty contest.

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So we are going to have a look to see how beautiful tarantulas are.

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Please welcome zoologist, Mark Amey.

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you, Mark. Now, here is the thing,

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is that we don't in any way want to upset the tarantulas, obviously.

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-COLIN:

-Don't open the lid, don't open the lid. Don't open the lid.

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So only one person is going to handle.

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This is Rosie, the tarantula.

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And Bill's volunteered, haven't you, Bill?

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-Yes, I have.

-COLIN:

-Ah, yes, ah, yeah.

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-And what is this one?

-That's a Mexican redknee tarantula.

0:16:010:16:04

-Right.

-And this one is a Chilean rose tarantula.

0:16:040:16:07

She is called Rosie, isn't she?

0:16:070:16:08

-Yeah.

-OK. How dangerous are they?

0:16:080:16:10

I mean, some people are afraid of them.

0:16:100:16:12

Their venom is very mild.

0:16:120:16:14

-Right.

-So it's equivalent to a...

-COLIN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

0:16:140:16:16

-Completely natural.

-Venom is mild?

0:16:190:16:21

It's similar to bees' and wasps' stings.

0:16:210:16:23

So it's a neurotoxin, but it's a low-level neurotoxin.

0:16:230:16:26

-Oh, that's all right, then.

-But tell me about the...

0:16:260:16:29

a nettle sting that they can give off from their abdomen,

0:16:290:16:31

-is that right?

-Yeah, it's called urticating.

0:16:310:16:33

And those hairs are like little javelin spears

0:16:330:16:35

that go in an upward direction, and they're all barbed.

0:16:350:16:38

So when they hit something like eyes or skin, they stick in.

0:16:380:16:41

It comes from the Latin for nettle, so it feels like a nettle sting?

0:16:410:16:44

-Is that the sensation?

-Yeah.

0:16:440:16:45

-Oh.

-And do they mind being handled?

0:16:450:16:47

No, this one's quite used to it and quite enjoys it.

0:16:470:16:49

Have you known Rosie from, I don't, from...?

0:16:490:16:51

I've had her for over 20 years, but that...

0:16:510:16:53

I don't know how long they'll live.

0:16:530:16:55

-She could live another 20 years?

-Yeah.

-It's very sweet.

-But the boys,

0:16:550:16:58

the boys reach sexual maturity and then what?

0:16:580:17:00

-Then they're pretty doomed.

-Right.

0:17:000:17:02

They stop feeding and their whole purpose in life

0:17:020:17:04

is to try and find females.

0:17:040:17:05

-Yes.

-And then they'll usually die of starvation.

0:17:050:17:08

If not, the last female that they mate with generally kills him.

0:17:080:17:12

Well, I think they're both super. Thank you so much, Mark,

0:17:120:17:14

for bringing them in and thank you to Rosie.

0:17:140:17:17

Thank you very much.

0:17:170:17:19

Now, why would you keep your brother in a cage?

0:17:220:17:25

If he was a bit like my brother,

0:17:260:17:28

who used to like to pin me down and dribble into my mouth...

0:17:280:17:31

Ah, yeah.

0:17:310:17:33

-Oh!

-Ugh.

-It's a funny relationship with brothers, isn't it?

0:17:330:17:36

So, my brother and I, we used to play this game at night.

0:17:360:17:39

We'd turn out the lights and roll up a pair of socks

0:17:390:17:41

and throw them, and if you hit each other, then you got a point.

0:17:410:17:44

And I always won. And that is because

0:17:440:17:46

he had a luminous dial on his watch.

0:17:460:17:48

And I never told him, right,

0:17:510:17:53

until his 50th birthday.

0:17:530:17:55

And he's still cross about it!

0:17:570:17:59

I had a big brother who used to bully me,

0:18:030:18:05

and I had a little brother as well.

0:18:050:18:06

And he was one day in the bathroom, and he was nude,

0:18:060:18:09

came out of the bathroom and just went, "I am a robot, I am a robot."

0:18:090:18:14

We thought that was pretty funny. And then he turned around

0:18:140:18:16

and he had a battery sticking out of his bum.

0:18:160:18:18

Actually, we're going right back to Ottoman times.

0:18:210:18:23

So, as the Ottoman Empire expanded,

0:18:230:18:25

it was decreed that when a Sultan ascended to the throne,

0:18:250:18:28

he should kill all his brothers, to prevent sibling rivalry and that kind of thing.

0:18:280:18:31

And then this guy pitched up, Sultan Ahmed I.

0:18:310:18:35

1603, and he said, "I don't want to kill my brothers,"

0:18:350:18:37

he's a nice guy, so he made this very special pavilion

0:18:370:18:40

and it was called The Cage. And they were cut off from the world,

0:18:400:18:42

all his brothers, they were accompanied by eunuchs,

0:18:420:18:44

and concubines past child-bearing age,

0:18:440:18:46

so they couldn't have any progeny to mess up with the thing.

0:18:460:18:50

And they spent all their time doing macrame.

0:18:500:18:53

Ah, how lovely.

0:18:530:18:55

-I know.

-In the shape of a noose.

0:18:550:18:57

Yeah. And then if a Sultan died without a son,

0:18:570:18:59

one of the brothers would be taken from the cage and made Sultan.

0:18:590:19:03

Right, so is this a way of protecting the line, the lineage?

0:19:030:19:06

-Yeah.

-Right.

-It is exactly that.

0:19:060:19:07

But the one who came from the cage,

0:19:070:19:09

that wasn't just whoever's the oldest, there was terrible fighting.

0:19:090:19:12

1622, Sultan Osman II died by,

0:19:120:19:16

"compression of the testicles at the hands of an assassin,

0:19:160:19:20

-"Pehlivan the Oil Wrestler."

-Ah!

0:19:200:19:22

They had quite a lot of strange rules.

0:19:240:19:26

One of my favourites, if a grand Vizier of the Ottoman Empire was

0:19:260:19:29

sentenced to death, he could have the sentence commuted to banishment

0:19:290:19:34

if he beat the head gardener, who was also the chief executioner,

0:19:340:19:37

in a race around the royal palace.

0:19:370:19:39

So the Vizier would be summoned by the gardener,

0:19:390:19:42

and he would be handed a cup of sherbet.

0:19:420:19:44

If it was white, it was all fine, if it was red, it meant death.

0:19:440:19:47

And he had to run 300 yards from the palace to a place

0:19:470:19:50

called the Fish Market Gate,

0:19:500:19:52

and if he survived, then he could carry on living.

0:19:520:19:55

And this carried on quite well into the 19th century.

0:19:550:19:58

It's such an interesting period of history.

0:19:580:20:00

So 1517, they had one of their most famous victories

0:20:000:20:03

over the Mamluks of Egypt.

0:20:030:20:05

And it's largely down to the fact that

0:20:050:20:07

the Mamluks considered guns beneath their dignity.

0:20:070:20:10

-Huh.

-They refused to use them, and that's how they were...

0:20:100:20:13

-Idiots.

-Yeah, exactly.

0:20:130:20:14

Totally wiped out.

0:20:140:20:16

-Yeah.

-Now we arrive at the slippery individual

0:20:160:20:18

that we call General Ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, please.

0:20:180:20:20

Where are most of the world's obelisks?

0:20:210:20:25

# Go home... #

0:20:250:20:27

-Alan?

-London.

0:20:270:20:29

-No.

-Oh, come on, we've got one.

0:20:290:20:33

We've got one!

0:20:330:20:34

# Down under... #

0:20:340:20:35

-Tasmania.

-I want that to be true.

0:20:350:20:38

But no, they are in Rome.

0:20:380:20:40

There are twice as many obelisks in Rome as there are in Egypt.

0:20:400:20:44

So 13 in Rome, six in Egypt.

0:20:440:20:46

They were nicked by... Oh, five of the ones in Rome are home-grown,

0:20:460:20:49

but the rest were taken from Egypt.

0:20:490:20:51

And the Egyptians call them tekhenu.

0:20:510:20:53

We call them obelisks because Herodotus, the Greek traveller,

0:20:530:20:56

was the first one to write about them, so we get the Greek name.

0:20:560:20:59

So you said Britain has one.

0:20:590:21:00

-What is the name of the one that we have?

-I don't know.

0:21:000:21:03

-There it is.

-It's Cleopatra's Needle, right?

0:21:030:21:05

Yes! The American gets the point!

0:21:050:21:08

APPLAUSE

0:21:080:21:10

Of course, as soon as you say it, of course!

0:21:110:21:14

Yes! Now, name an endangered mammal that eats bamboo.

0:21:140:21:19

-Panda!

-Panda.

0:21:190:21:22

-KLAXON BLARES

-Panda!

-He-e-ey!

0:21:220:21:25

-DESIREE:

-Glad you said it! Yeah.

-Not so, why?

0:21:250:21:28

-Bill, any idea?

-Well, they're not that endangered.

0:21:280:21:32

-They are no longer endangered.

-No.

-Oh, they're all over the place.

0:21:320:21:35

-They're vulnerable.

-You can't go in any shopping centre in London

0:21:350:21:37

without them taking up all the seats.

0:21:370:21:40

-Yeah.

-Elephants eat bamboo, is there a right answer?

0:21:400:21:43

There is, but it isn't panda,

0:21:430:21:44

because they are no longer designated as endangered.

0:21:440:21:46

-Tree sloths.

-It's a golden bamboo...

0:21:460:21:49

-Eater.

-Lemur.

0:21:490:21:51

-There, look, how cute is that?

-Look at his little face!

0:21:510:21:54

Look, cute! And then a bird of prey!

0:21:540:21:56

-Argh!

-HE SCREECHES

0:21:560:21:59

"There's only the two of us left now!

0:22:010:22:03

"Phone the World Wildlife Fund. Stop eating the bamboo!

0:22:030:22:07

"That's why they're upset."

0:22:070:22:09

"We're making the same mistakes again and again and again!

0:22:160:22:19

"We need to adapt to new habitats!"

0:22:190:22:21

"Shut up, I'm eating all the bamboo before the bird comes back."

0:22:210:22:24

I love bamboo, I bloody love it!

0:22:260:22:28

You can do so much with it.

0:22:280:22:30

You can grill it, you can fry it. You can chop it up and it's good.

0:22:300:22:33

You can make scaffolding out of it, for building a lemur house.

0:22:330:22:37

It's a very flexible plant, everyone knows that!

0:22:370:22:40

You can make a xylophone out of it, for God's sake!

0:22:400:22:42

There's loads of it, why are we dying out?!

0:22:420:22:45

We should be thriving.

0:22:450:22:46

We're not having enough sex.

0:22:460:22:48

No.

0:22:480:22:50

It doesn't really look like bamboo.

0:22:500:22:51

It looks like he's crimping the end of a joint.

0:22:510:22:53

"Yeah, let's crimp it, here we are, that's that.

0:22:580:23:00

"Right, OK, come on, everyone."

0:23:000:23:02

The Camberwell Carrot.

0:23:030:23:05

Yeah!

0:23:050:23:06

That's why they're dying out, they're just not doing anything.

0:23:060:23:09

Best job ever, I think, in 2014,

0:23:100:23:12

China's Giant Panda Protection and Research Centre

0:23:120:23:15

started recruiting panda nannies.

0:23:150:23:17

-Awww!

-Oh, my.

0:23:170:23:19

-Oh, my gosh.

-You get paid the equivalent of £28,000 a year.

0:23:190:23:23

You get free meals, travel, accommodation.

0:23:230:23:25

And you get to hug pandas all day.

0:23:250:23:28

What are any of us doing with our lives?

0:23:280:23:30

Some basic knowledge of pandas is required,

0:23:310:23:33

as well as the ability to take pictures.

0:23:330:23:35

The work has only one mission,

0:23:350:23:37

spending 365 days with the pandas

0:23:370:23:39

and sharing in their joys and sorrows.

0:23:390:23:42

Aw. I don't think they have any joy or sorrow though, do they?

0:23:420:23:45

-Yeah, what are panda sorrows?

-They're just pandas, aren't they?

0:23:450:23:49

I like the little one in the middle.

0:23:490:23:50

"I may be small, but I'll take any of you.

0:23:500:23:53

"I can take on any of you."

0:23:530:23:54

-He's a tough one.

-They're about to drop that one.

0:23:540:23:57

And ready... Go!

0:23:570:23:58

-Argh!

-It would just be the softest crash in the world, though.

0:24:010:24:05

This one, this is my favourite.

0:24:050:24:06

Yeah, this one. That's the best. "Show business!"

0:24:060:24:09

# There's no business like... #

0:24:100:24:13

A panda with jazz hands, you don't see that very often, do you?

0:24:130:24:16

Now, how many hills was Rome built on?

0:24:160:24:19

-Seven.

-Seven!

0:24:190:24:22

KLAXON BLARES

0:24:220:24:24

Six, six, five.

0:24:250:24:27

-Five.

-Four, three.

-Eight.

-DESIREE:

-Seven and a half.

0:24:270:24:30

-Eight.

-Eight!

-Oh, no, you've done it again!

0:24:300:24:32

COLIN SINGS HAPPILY

0:24:320:24:34

It's always been known as seven, but it seems to be a misunderstanding.

0:24:340:24:37

They used to have a big festival called the Septimontium,

0:24:370:24:40

which means seven hills, they celebrated the whole thing.

0:24:400:24:42

But actually, when you look at the ancient list of the hills involved

0:24:420:24:45

that they are celebrating, there are eight.

0:24:450:24:48

And Mary Beard, who's a wonderful classicist,

0:24:480:24:51

says, "Something has got confused there somewhere along the line."

0:24:510:24:55

There's about 75 cities in the world that claim to have been built on seven hills.

0:24:550:24:59

There are two Romes, two Athens.

0:24:590:25:01

There's a Seven Hills in Ohio, which is rather aptly named.

0:25:010:25:04

About a quarter of Europe's capital cities claim to be.

0:25:040:25:06

Bath, where I grew up, that's supposed to be based on Rome.

0:25:060:25:09

-Right.

-The seven hills, but, you know. I don't know.

0:25:090:25:11

Lisbon's very hilly.

0:25:110:25:13

What's that?

0:25:130:25:15

They have a funicular railway.

0:25:160:25:18

It's like the worst Trip Adviser review.

0:25:180:25:20

No, no, on the contrary, it's a very good tip about Lisbon.

0:25:200:25:24

It's very hilly, it's what you need to know more than anything else.

0:25:240:25:28

"They said it was hilly on Trip Adviser."

0:25:280:25:32

You need to be warned about it, you're absolutely right.

0:25:320:25:34

-Edinburgh's hilly.

-Yeah.

0:25:340:25:36

OK, let's stop doing places that are hilly.

0:25:360:25:39

Dublin's not very hilly.

0:25:390:25:41

-No. OK, moving on from hilly.

-Holland!

0:25:410:25:43

Holland's completely flat, no hills at all.

0:25:430:25:45

Amsterdam, no, barely an incline.

0:25:450:25:48

Nothing at all. No, there's no crime in Holland or Belgium.

0:25:480:25:51

-You can see people coming from miles off.

-Because you can see everyone!

0:25:510:25:55

Do you know, I can imagine you in a home, somehow.

0:25:550:25:57

APPLAUSE

0:26:010:26:03

Will you come and see me?

0:26:030:26:05

Yeah, no.

0:26:050:26:06

I'll bring you some mashed banana.

0:26:070:26:09

Argentina, that's really hilly.

0:26:090:26:10

Shut up!

0:26:100:26:12

I'll be in the next bed.

0:26:130:26:16

"What was that, Alan?"

0:26:160:26:17

Vancouver, but it's not a capital, doesn't count.

0:26:180:26:21

-Yeah. Fiji, is that hilly?

-Shut up!

0:26:210:26:23

Do you think this is sharp enough to kill somebody?

0:26:260:26:28

Yeah, if you have enough intention behind it.

0:26:280:26:31

-Yeah.

-Oslo.

0:26:310:26:33

-Oslo's hilly.

-That's true.

0:26:330:26:35

They've got a funicular railway and don't deny it.

0:26:350:26:37

That's right.

0:26:400:26:42

OK!

0:26:420:26:43

On the subject of Rome...

0:26:440:26:46

Yes.

0:26:460:26:48

THAT is hilly, it's famous for it.

0:26:480:26:50

-They thought it was seven, but it turns out it's eight.

-Eight, we know that.

0:26:500:26:54

-COLIN:

-Does this qualify as entertainment?

0:26:540:26:56

No.

0:26:560:26:58

The seven hills...

0:26:580:26:59

..the seven hills of Rome are actually eight.

0:26:590:27:02

There are many other places in the world that are also hilly

0:27:020:27:04

and I can't be arsed to tell you about them.

0:27:040:27:06

When I am in the company of men in a group like this,

0:27:080:27:10

I feel happy about my life choices. And so...

0:27:100:27:12

APPLAUSE

0:27:140:27:16

And so, our international odyssey is over,

0:27:210:27:24

and it's time to work out what it's cost us.

0:27:240:27:26

Let's have a look at the scores.

0:27:260:27:29

In last place, we have, with...

0:27:290:27:31

Ah, this is magnificent. Minus 57, it's Alan.

0:27:310:27:34

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:340:27:37

A very creditable minus 3, Bill.

0:27:380:27:41

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:410:27:44

Considering it was her very first show, she got a full 3 points, Desiree.

0:27:440:27:49

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:490:27:51

Colin, 16 points, you are the winner.

0:27:530:27:56

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:560:27:58

# Australians, oh, let us rejoice

0:28:040:28:09

# For we are young and free... #

0:28:090:28:12

-No, you're not...

-Colin...

0:28:120:28:14

# Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours... #

0:28:140:28:19

And the suburb where they make Neighbours is quite hilly.

0:28:190:28:22

Quite hilly.

0:28:250:28:27

The winner takes home this week's objectionable object,

0:28:270:28:30

and it is this lovely souvenir spider.

0:28:300:28:34

Awwww!

0:28:340:28:35

-There you go.

-Aww!

-There you go.

-Wow.

0:28:350:28:37

It only remains for me to thank Desiree, Bill, Colin and Alan.

0:28:400:28:44

And to end this Overseas show,

0:28:440:28:46

I leave you with this story about travel.

0:28:460:28:49

Muhammad Ali was on a flight

0:28:490:28:50

when a hostess asked him to put on his seat belt.

0:28:500:28:53

"Superman don't need no seat belt," said Ali.

0:28:530:28:56

To which she replied, "Superman don't need no plane."

0:28:560:28:59

Thank you, goodnight.

0:28:590:29:01

Sandi Toksvig ventures overseas to find out about Allotment Annies, who keeps their brothers in a cage, and much else besides. With Bill Bailey, Colin Lane, Desiree Burch and Alan Davies.


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