Episode 1 Quick Cuts

-It's locked.

-Really? Strange.

All dressed up for your blind date?

-It's not a blind date. It's just a lunch...

-Date.

-..with someone.

-You've never met before.

-Yes.

-Do you want me to do your make-up?

-Oh, yes please.

-Cool.

-It's locked.

What's wrong with you?

Bumped into Michael last night.

How did you bump into him?

He was going through his garden and I was going through his rubbish.

-Yeah, that's actually stalker.

-Is it, though?

-BOTH: Yes.

-Well, anyway, he ended it.

Oh, I'm sorry. But, you know, maybe that's a good thing.

How can you possibly say that?

OK. Let's go through the pros and the cons of this relationship.

He's 20 years older than you, he's married, he just uses you for sex.

Yes, and what are the cons?

Those! Those are the cons!

Come and have a look. I've just been sick on a pigeon.

-Oh, Gav!

-Where's Sue?

THEY SHRIEK

I think she's upstairs.

Stop it! Sue! Stop it!

You can take this.

Not the Xbox! Oh!

And you can take this.

Oh! Babe, look, babe, listen. Come on!

Everything's going to be all right.

And you can take this!

Hello, all right, girls. Ah! That's not even mine.

Babes! Babes!

Stop calling me "babes"! And you can get out. For good!

Look, all right, you've made your point, all right?

I am not going to do the job with Mouse.

And I'm never going to get into trouble again, all right?

-SIREN WAILS

-I promise.

-Trevor Wilson?

-Yeah?

-Come with us please, sir.

-Well, I...

-Come on!

No, this isn't how it looks! No, it's not what it looks like!

This programme contains some strong language

SHE WINCES

If he's not in prison, he's doing community poxy service.

-Ouch!

-Do you know what he did?

He only broke into the jeweller's next door, the prat!

What did he take?

500 felty boxes. Didn't check if there was anything in them, the pillock!

Ow! Can, can you just... Can you really not... Ow!

You know what? I wouldn't mind.

But they'll come after me next time,

cos his name's on the deeds of this place.

-I think you should take these.

-What is it?

Tranquillizers. I got 'em off the internet.

Mexican or something. Better than Valium.

Hold on! Do you think that's a good idea?

-Mm, it is a great idea.

-Yes, but it says, "Take one a day."

It's all right. Pills don't affect me.

"Side effects include blurred vision, nausea, vomiting..."

They always say that.

-"..numbness, amnesia, hallucinations..."

-Yeah, that's fine.

-"..loss of appetite..."

-Good!

-"..loss of libido..."

SHE LAUGHS Went years ago.

"..discoloration of urine, breathlessness..."

-Oh, whatever.

-"..sudden death."

-Bring it on!

Not sure I can call sudden death a side effect, can you?

Well, you can't talk. All those pills you pop.

I bet they've got some side effects.

Yeah. Growing some boobs with any luck.

Oh, got a sore hand. I think it's swollen.

How did you do that?

I got it stuck in a Pringles tube last night.

-That sounds nasty.

-For half an hour. I was really panicking.

I had to saw it off with a bread knife in the end,

with the wrong hand.

-I once got my finger caught in a walnut.

-Ooh!

Really painful.

HE GROANS

Ooh! Crazy night, last night?

Oh, no, night before, with my mate Tiny.

You know how it is when you get on the moggy

and then you get really spaced out,

so you knock out some speed to even it up after a couple o'drink. Two, two spliffy, just like that. Rar!

Yeah. Not really.

Actually, oh, I still feel a bit rough. Sue?

Can I ask you...?

Ah-ah-ah-ah, no bloody way!

You've got Mrs Pube Hair waiting, and I'm not doing her.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, not you!

It's for you, Gavin.

Not you! Over there.

I'll be with you in a minute, Mrs P. Yeah, Gar.

Yeah, it is. No, no, I didn't.

No, that wasn't me. Oh, you're lying! You're lying!

All right, yeah. Thanks.

What's happened?

Someone's stolen my card. Been spending all my money.

-I'm up to the max. I'm past the max.

-Oh, no! What on?

£1,000 at Argos.

Nothing costs £1,000 in Argos!

-Apart from electrical goods. They're really expensive.

-Really?

Yeah. Like, an ink-jet printer is 289.99.

A quality fridge-freezer is 699.99.

Power tools, you're looking up to 249.99.

Ooh, and you could spend a grand on a treadmill without even trying.

You think that's weird? She can actually draw the barcodes as well.

Oh, do you ever have one of those days where nothing goes right?

-Yep.

-I'm having one of those.

-Oh, how come?

Well, first of all, whenever I want to use the remote control,

the batteries are in my vibrator. And when I want to use my vibrator,

the batteries are in the remote control.

You should've come to my car boot sale yesterday. All I sold were the batteries out of my old Walkman.

Have you still got the stuff you were selling?

Oh, you're kidding! The boot of my car is completely full of crap.

-Can I have a look at lunch?

-Course. Why are you so dressed up?

Oh, I have a meeting with my debt counsellor.

I wanted to look my best.

Ooh, where'd you get them from?

Annie's bike light.

Now, don't say I don't know how to please a woman in bed, yeah?

I'm not taking him back this time. No way. Annie!

You're my witness. Do not let me take him back.

-Do you know what he did this time?

-Yes.

-He sold a plasma TV from Feltham Young Offenders Unit.

-You said.

Yeah, he's the only man I know to have broken into a prison.

Sue! Sue! I need to get some clothes.

No!

Listen, listen. It's good news. The court case is cancelled.

Yeah, what about the community service?

-I still got to do that.

-So you're not going back to prison?

No, once the community service is over, that's it.

Really? And you told Mouse you're not going to do that job?

Ah, well, there's a slight change of plan with that.

The thing is, probably am going to do the job.

-Get out!

-Ow! Listen!

-Wait!

-No, get out, you massive twat pie!

HE SHRIEKS

Gav! Your 11 o'clock's just cancelled.

Blow dry, madam?

I'm fine.

Yeah, right, yeah. Thanks for letting me know.

All right.

Thieves spent £100 in Next as well.

No! What kind of person would do a thing like that?

The kind of person with a brand-new outfit.

-No!

-Yes! Just trust me, I'm channelling CSI right now.

Look at the facts. She got brand-new clothes.

We don't know they're from Next.

-Where's your outfit from, Becky?

-Next.

-We know it was from Next.

-But she wouldn't steal.

-She does steal.

-But not from us.

I'm not so sure.

And I went into her room...

..and she wouldn't do it

until she'd turned every fluffy animal to face the wall.

There were hundreds of them.

There. You're done.

Oh, thanks. Whoa!

That's an awful lot of make-up.

HE LAUGHS

You look like Chucky the killer doll.

Ignore him. She looks great, doesn't she, Becky?

Yep, really brings out your mouth.

Oh. Sue, how do I look?

Woo-hoo!

Yeah, anyway, it's not how you look, it's how you feel inside, isn't it?

Yeah? You repeat after me - "I am a sexy, gorgeous, confident woman."

I'm a gorgeous, sexy, just confident woman.

Yes, you are. Let's work it.

OK. OK, yeah.

Mmm, I've got a secret.

OK. I've got a secret.

Yeah. That's it.

-Very good. That is amazing.

-Yeah, he's going to love it!

So, what do I owe you?

-It's £30.

-Right.

-So, is it true?

-What?

-That you're...

-Sagittarius? 'Fraid so.

No, that you... That you're...

A natural brunette? Well, look, between you and me, I'm not.

No, not... No, not... No.

No, that you... You've got...

-New shoes? Oh! How did you know?

-What size are they?

-Seven.

-Right, that's quite big, so...?

-So, what?

So, what I'm saying is...

you used to be Arsenal, now you're Tottenham.

You... That you've changed teams.

Oh, I used to be Man City.

Right, and now you're...?

Man City.

Are we still talking about football?

I'm talking about football. What are you talking about?

I'm talking... I'm talking about the fact that you used to have a...

No, you do. You do. You know what I'm saying.

Come on, you can tell me.

You're right. I can.

But I don't want to.

Do you ever worry that you might be the Antichrist?

Not really.

I do.

Right, right, right.

Annie?

-Yes.

-I'm Lee.

-Hi!

-Hi!

How are you?

I'm fine, I think. You?

Yeah. Yeah.

I really like your hair.

Oh, thanks very much.

I suppose you would have nice hair, being a hairdresser.

Not sure about that.

-So what do you do?

-I haven't got a job at the moment.

That's a shame. Is it a shame?

Yeah, yeah. I would like a job, but I haven't been well.

Oh. What is it? Is it...? You don't have to tell me, or...

No, well, I had an accident so I was in hospital for a while.

Oh, dear. A car accident?

No, no, no. It was stupid really.

I...fell out of window.

Oh, crikey!

Bit drunk. I was celebrating Portsmouth winning the FA Cup.

Got a bit carried away.

Really did, didn't you?

Aren't they doing really badly at the moment, though?

-Yeah.

-Oh.

-Yeah, they are. This was in 2008.

Oh, oh.

I've, er...sort of...

been in a coma until a couple of months ago.

-So, he comes over.

-And then what?

He said, "Want to come back to mine for pizza and a shag?"

What did you say?

-I said, "What kind of pizza?"

-And what did he say?

Margherita!

-Fuck off!

-That's what I said. Bloody cheapskate.

Hey, hey! You'll never guess what. My wee has gone blue.

Do you want to have a look?

-No, thanks.

-No, no, but it's blue. It's blue wee!

I appreciate the offer. I'm going to say no.

Hey! Do you want to see some blue wee?

No! Gee!

DOOR OPENS Hey, hey, hey! Where've you been?

Mmm? Er...nowhere. Just shopping.

-Is that squareline guttering?

-Maybe.

-I knew it.

-It's not how it seems.

Yeah. A scale inhibitor.

-I can explain.

-Flow valve, copper pipe, more end feed.

This had better be good!

Mmm, well, I went to give Michael his jumper back, and it was raining,

-so I waited in the plumbing supply shop opposite.

-From which you are barred!

-It's changed hands.

-Did you see Michael?

Yeah. He said it's still over and that I am obsessive.

I'm not obsessive. I've told him that 50,000 times by text.

Forget Michael. Come and see some blue wee.

Ooh, no. Thanks.

No, but it's Smurf blue. What does it mean?

-It means you have been taking dodgy pills.

-What pills?

-The ones off the internet...

-Mmm?

-..that you have been taking.

-You're chatting rubbish.

-In your bag.

Oh. Oh, these!

Shit, I forgot to take one.

Oh, no way! You've had two already.

Oh, well, can't hurt, can it? Come on, let's turn the music up.

LIGHTER CLICKS

MUSIC: "Orinoco Flow" by Enya

Yes! Tune!

Tune!

# Sail away, sail away, sail away

# We can reach, we can beach far beyond the Yellow Sea

# We can sail, we can sail

# Sail away, sail away, sail away

# From Peru to Cebu Hear the power of Babylon

# We can sail... #

STRAIGHTENERS CLACK

Si, si, si, si, si.

SHE STAMPS Ole! Oh-oh!

I love Spain.

I've been trying out some of the salon's products.

What do you think? Of the eyelashes?

-Yeah...nice!

-Do you like 'em?

Yeah.

Yeah. Do they look like a spider's died on my eyes?

No.

They do a bit, don't they? Or had a seizure.

They're a bit... D'you know, they're a bit stiff and curly.

-They're fine, honest.

-I tell you what, I'll do you a pair.

-No, I'm fine.

-No, no, no, no, no! On the house. My treat.

You're going to love it.

Only don't open your eyes when I put the glue in

cos it hurts like FUCK!

DOOR OPENS

Babes, before you say anything, just listen.

-It's all going to be all right.

-No, it's not going to be all right,

because you get sent down again, I lose the one thing I love.

Babes!

Not you, you twat! The salon!

Why can't you just get a job, you knob?

A proper one, not a dodgy one, selling knocked-off gear with Mouse.

That's what I've been trying to tell you. I have got a job.

Yeah? What kind of job?

When the police pulled me in this morning, they've offered me a job.

Fuck off!

Yeah, they did. As an informer.

So, I'm going to do the job with Mouse,

and then I'm going to grass him up big time.

I thought you'd be pleased.

I thought you wanted me to get a job and go straight.

It's not going straight.

That is going bent in the other direction.

That's good, isn't it?

Trev! Three little words.

It is over!

Becky!

You are my witness.

Right, let's get that glue.

Marianne, here are your keys. I'm taking the lot.

Really? But it's just a load of old tat.

No, it's not. I've always wanted a dartboard, and dumbbells.

-I've got the money and everything.

-Are you sure?

-Definitely.

Great! That means I'm £100 closer to a pair of boobs!

Stuff it in your bra and you're pretty much there.

Hey! Hey! You'll never guess what!

Your wee's gone blue.

My wee has gone blue. How did you know that?

You've already told us.

Marianne, Becky? Do you want to see some blue wee?

-No, ta!

-It's...

-Oh!

-Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine, it's just my hands are a bit, you know?

Do you ever get that, when they're sort of...?

-Not really.

-It's like they belong to someone else.

SHE GIGGLES

Get off, it tickles.

No, no, no, no! Just get off me!

Oh!

-Blue wee!

-She'll be all right in five minutes.

So, what do you watch when you're not...

When...

When you're conscious?

I like sport.

Obviously.

-I'm really into music.

-Oh, yeah? Who do you like?

I'm mad about Michael Jackson. Always have been.

Yes. He is amazing.

-Yeah.

-Was amazing.

-Was?

-Yeah, he's dead now, isn't he?

Dead?

Yeah.

Sorry, I thought you... Didn't think.

Michael Jackson's dead?

-Sorry.

-I'm sorry, I just...

I'm sorry.

HE SOBS

Oh, back again?

Yeah.

-I was just wondering...

-What?

-If anyone's seen my phone.

-Yeah, me.

It's in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?

No, I'm not. No, I thought I'd left it.

Well, you didn't.

So, what's the deal with you? I've heard rumours.

Full of questions, aren't you? Let me ask you a question.

Why are you so interested?

-I'm not. I'm not.

-Oh.

I wasn't. I didn't. I thought the... And then it wasn't.

Good! Right. Close the door behind you.

-Right. Yeah.

-OK. Bye!

-Bye.

This is when we'll put the card on a stop though, yeah?

All right. Another £100.

Stick Studios. What's Stick Studios?

-No idea.

-It's a tattoo parlour.

-How d'you know that?

-I dunno. Just do.

Oh, calm down, Miss Marple. Could've been anyone.

She's got that thing where she's scared to leave the house.

Agoraphobia?

No. Homophobia.

Pretty sure it's agoraphobia.

I'm pretty sure it's homophobia.

SHE SCOFFS

It was the worst sex I've ever had.

He was like a seal trying to stay on a rock.

What has happened to your foot?

I dunno, it's gone big. Oh, ignore it. It'll go away.

You can't ignore that. Let's google it.

-It might be those pills.

-That's what I said.

-What pills?

-The ones that you've been taking.

-Mmm?

-Off the internet.

They're in... Look, I give up.

Right, big foot.

No, it's just a lot of blurry photos of a monkey.

-DOOR OPENS

-Oh, she's back! How was it?

-Hi!

-Yeah, it was good.

-Was he nice?

-Yeah, seemed nice.

-Attractive?

-Quite attractive.

-So, are you seeing him again?

-Oh, I don't think so.

-Why not? He's nice, he's attractive.

-What's the problem?

-Well...

Oh, no! You didn't show him your cat's Facebook page, did you?

-No!

-Well, what, then? Something happened, didn't it?

What did you do?

-I sort of made him cry.

-Ooh!

Ooh, in a Dire Straits, "When we made love he used to cry," sorta way?

-No, in a "Michael Jackson's dead" sort of way.

-Hey?

-He's been in a coma for four years.

-Well, that's all right, isn't it?

No. Yeah, yeah, of course it is.

It's just we didn't know what to talk about.

He didn't know about anything. He didn't know about William and Kate.

-He didn't know about Jedward.

-Lucky bastard.

I wish Trev was in a coma.

They said it was going to be a small operation,

but it wasn't, and now she's... She's got a bag.

A handbag?

No, you know, a colostomy bag.

I bought a handbag yesterday. It was really expensive.

You know when you see something and you've just got to have it?

-She's so brave, you know.

-Mmm.

She said she's fine but the other day,

I went round earlier than usual and she was... Well, she was crying.

Ah! I cried the other day. I don't know why, it was mad.

Ooh, do you know what would cheer her up? Take her shopping.

-No, I don't think she could...

-I got a Kindle cover.

It's really sort of bright pink,

like a vibrant sort of... Darker than my hair, look.

But lighter than her coat. Oh, a bit like your scar.

I should probably get a Kindle now.

-Which one's your new bag, Becky?

-That one, why?

I'm going to see for myself if you've got my card.

-You can't do that.

-Someone's spent £100 of my money at Next.

How dare you?! This cost much more than £100.

And you're, like, £20,000 in debt, so how can you afford it?

I've got a card.

-Yeah, my card.

-No!

-You spent a grand in Argos!

-I wish!

-You better give it back.

-I haven't got it!

-Well, let's just see then, shall we?

-Hey, get off!

Well, let's see, then. Let's see, innit?

Gavin? Gavin?

Becky might have money troubles, but she's not a thief.

Hold on a minute, isn't that my bracelet?

Is it?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Busted!

Hey, who wants to help me choose some boobs?

Me!

Annie, what do you think of these ones?

-Nice.

-They seem fine.

Ooh! They look a bit arrogant.

-Or I could go for something like this...

-Yes!

-Very round.

-Oh, yeah, they're more pensive.

Or would something like this suit me?

-They're good.

-They seem awfully taut.

Yeah, regretful, somehow.

Yeah. Maybe I should just go for some really big babushkas?

Definitely.

That one looks like Gregg Wallace off MasterChef!

Tell you what you should do. You should get some like her.

She's got surprising good tits. Wasted on her, really.

Hey, come on. Let's have a little feel.

-Oh, no...

-Ooh! Oh! Oh, no, they don't feel so good.

They're a bit like soup in a sock.

Is that soup, Gav, or is that more blancmange?

Sorry, can I...?

Look, Sue, sorry. I'm going to go and do a blow dry.

Where's Trev? I miss him.

You chucked him out, remember?

And you said to make sure you didn't take him back again.

Yes, that is right!

There is no way that Twat King Cole is worming his way

back into my life.

Marianne, you are my witness!

-Annie! Annie, Annie, Annie!

-Oh, hang on to your valuables, girls!

All right. Cock off, yeah?

And when you get there, just cock off a little bit further.

-Guess what?

-You stole my card?

-Me and Michael are back together.

-How come?

-I threatened to kill myself.

Oh, who says romance is dead?

And you don't need to worry about his wife,

-because he said he's going to leave her.

-When?

-When the children have left home.

-How old are they now?

He hasn't actually had any yet.

Oh, well, it's a match made in heaven, Becky.

What about you and Lee? Are you going to see him again?

I don't think so. We didn't have anything to talk about.

We've got nothing in common.

When was the last time you had a date? Yeah.

Your fanny's been in a coma for four years.

You've got loads in common.

Yeah, because that's what I said.

I said, I said, "If you haven't got it - because it was there in the morning,

"and now it's not there any more."

Is Annie here?

Are you coma boy?

I'm Lee.

Oh, Lee! Lee!

Oh, come here. Bless! Oh, I've got some bad news for you.

Whitney, Winehouse, Elizabeth Taylor, the Queen Mum. All dead.

The Queen Mum's been dead for ages.

Really? Have you felt her breasts?

I'm sorry?

Have you felt Annie's breasts?

Oh, no. No.

-I

-have.

-Right.

Lovely girl.

Yes.

I love her to bits. You couldn't do better than Annie.

-No.

-Mmm?

Well, if I leave my number, could you ask her to give me a ring?

Yes, I will. Yes, yes!

OK. Yeah.

-Thank you.

-That's all right. Annie, ring this number! Oh, oh, oh!

Just for the record,

Bob Holness, Richard Whiteley, Pat from EastEnders.

All dead. Yeah! My cat, Alan, dead!

The bloke off that programme I didn't like. Oh, dead!

D-E-A-D. Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead!

-Can anyone lend me a fag?

-Why don't you just steal one?

-Why don't you just shut up?

-Can anyone lend me the money to buy a pack?

-Just use my card.

-I haven't stolen anything!

-ANNIE COUGHS

-Apart from Annie's bracelet,

but I was going to give that back, I promise.

-G-G-G-Gav!

-What?!

THEY MIMIC GUNFIRE

How you doing, man?

You had more of those drinks than I did, and you're fine!

Them things don't really affect me, bruv.

It's been, like, two days because I feel like an evil pixie has

crawled up my skull and he's punching the back of my eyeballs.

And another evil pixie, yeah, has removed all my teeth,

but put them back again, but in the wrong holes!

And a tiny pygmy pixie has crawled up my nostril

and left his pants there!

Worth it, though! THEY LAUGH

It was great, wasn't it?

Where?

That milkman's.

What milkman?

And you got that tattoo done.

That weren't me, bruv.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes! Stick Studio.

And then you spent,

like, £1,000 on that ride-on lawnmower that you got from Argos!

LAUGHING: And then he went up and down, up and down the High Street,

like, four miles an hour.

And, like, he had this amazing slow-motion crash with a milk float.

And then, he drunk up the milk like a cat!

And then the milkman said he was going to break our faces.

But then you gave him that new watch that you got from Next,

and you was going to give him some money, but then he lost his card and he passed out!

HE LAUGHS He was passed out!

I beg you, I beg you do it again. Go laugh! Go on, go on, lap up, man!

-Lap it up!

-Bruv, no, that was...

Yeah, go on, Gavin. Lap up!

I can't believe it was you all along.

-I

-bloody can! Accusing me!

The good news is, no tosser stole your credit card.

The bad news is, you're the tosser.

Mmm, you can say that again.

Becky, it's for you. It's someone called Dean.

No, no, no, no! No, I'm not here.

-But you are here.

-Pretend I'm not here.

Why? Who is it?

It's my debt counsellor and he's going to have a go at me

because I didn't go to my meeting today.

-Why didn't you go?

-Because I couldn't afford the bus fare!

Becky's dead. I'm sorry. Could you call back tomorrow?

Thank you.

-Here. Take it back.

-What's this for?

It's the money you gave me for my stuff. I can't take it.

But no, you have to have it.

-I really need the dumbbells and a dartboard.

-You keep everything.

-Really?

-Yeah. Except the gaffer tape. I need that.

Thanks! Wow! Ooh, now I can get those boots that...

No, Becky! No.

I'm giving you the money back on the condition that you use it to pay off some of your debt.

SUE SHRIEKS

What is it? What is it? Sue?

A gi-gi-giant chipmunk in the cupboard. He's wearing a fez.

He's holding an axe!

There is a fucking chipmunk wearing a fez!

Quick, get out the way! Go!

Ah!

Yeah! Take that you chip-fucking-munk!

£25 for the extinguisher, and there's 56 for the coffee machine.

And for the gowns. For the cost of the surgery.

There, there! That is 200 quid.

I've only got 100.

Well, give that to me, we'll put the rest on your slate.

You're going to be working here for the rest of your life.

So unfair. Why can't she just claim it on the insurance?

She can't exactly put "giant chipmunk" on the insurance form, can she?

Oh, I am so unlucky!

You're unlucky? You just frittered away my boobs on a giant chipmunk!

Annie, there's a note here saying to call this number.

-Oh, who's it from?

-No idea.

Oh, God. It'll be from that woman whose hair I scorched.

Chuck it, bin it, burn it.

Right, come on! I knew this would come in handy one day.

Are you sure about this?

Yep. Getting me a cleavage.

Brilliant. Here we go. It won't hurt or anything.

-Not as much as a surgeon's knife.

-That's true. Okey-dokey.

All right.

THEY LAUGH

Nice!

Oh, all right?

-Shit! All right?

-Oh, fancy bumping into you here.

Oh, fancy.

Yeah. So, come on, tell me. What's on your passport?

My name and my address. A rather fetching photo.

No, no, no, no, no! Does it say you're a bird or a bloke?

-It says I'm a bloke.

-I knew it!

-Yeah, but I disagree.

I knew it! I bet my mate a tenner you was.

-Oh, well, good for you!

-No, wait! Stop! Stop. Sorry.

Do you fancy maybe going for a drink with me tonight?

We could go to one of your places?

Oh, sorry, I can't tonight.

-Why not?

-I've got woman's troubles.

SHE SNORES

What?

Sue, I just come to get the rest of me stuff.

Hello, darling! Where have you been? I missed you.

Uh...

Oh, give us a kiss.

Right, yeah.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm a bit tired.

God, I've been waiting up for you.

Why are you so late?

SHE CACKLES

That is a rubbish haircut.

Yeah. So...can I come home with you, then?

Well, of course.

Where else are you going to go, you silly sod?

Come on then. Let's go.

Ooh! Well, do you know, I'm just going to nip to the loo.

What happened to the cupboard?

No idea. Ooh! You'll never guess what? Trev!

My wee has gone blue!

-Really?

-Do you want to have a look?

Definitely!

-HE CACKLES

-It's like Smurf wee!

Exactly!

We're going to be millionaires.

Oh, I love you so much!

I love you too, babes!

Don't call me that.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd