Episode 2 Quick Cuts

PAN PIPE PLAYS: "Every Breath You Take"

What is that bloody horrible racket?

Oi!

Yeah, piss off!

HE MOUTHS

No, I won't.

MUSIC STOPS

Oh, go on.

Trev, for the hundredth time, no.

But, Sue, I love you.

Does that mean yes?

No, that means it's my bloody ring!

You keep your thieving mitts off my stuff!

Well, look, I couldn't afford a new one.

Trev, we are arse-deep in debt.

Why are you shelling out for Peruvians?

Ah, yeah, they want 50 quid. Got any cash?

You're such a nugget and your son's no better.

He left the bloody door unlocked all night.

Congratulations! Can I be bridesmaid?

-We're not getting married.

-Oh.

Not until we've paid off our debts.

The 50 quid?

No, Trevor. Your Peruvians, your problem.

Yeah, but if you do get married,

-you will let me be bridesmaid, won't you?

-And me.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, you can all be bridesmaids,

but it's not happening any time soon.

Oi! Stop smudging my window!

Here, stop scratching your balls, Marianne.

You're the one who made a lot of noise.

I couldn't help it.

All right, all right. Give me your number, then.

So Teena...

With a double E.

-All right.

-Let me do it.

-Gavin, I want a word with you.

-Just a sec.

There you go. Now, you know what you can do.

What?

SHE WHISPERS

All right, yeah, I think that could be arranged. All right.

Why have I got a million weird emails?

Cos you're weird.

Because someone signed me up to singlewithsyphilis.com.

-Classic.

-Not classic. Pathetic.

Do not touch my phone again, do you understand?

What's with the...fancy dress?

Oh, I've been to see Michael.

OK, into a little bit of the old role play, yeah?

No, he's in hospital.

-So...

-They're only letting his wife and his mum in to see him.

-So...

-So I go in dressed as a nurse.

-That's crazy.

-Crazy or clever?

Crazy.

It's just so wrong. I'm really fed up of it.

No, you should complain.

I thought I was.

No, not to me. To someone official.

SHE HUMS

-What's got into you?

-Nothing.

Or should I say WHO'S got into you?

I'm just in a good mood, that's all.

Well, soon put a stop to that, then. You can do Mad Madge.

Oh, no! Hello.

-Hello.

-Do I have to?

Yes, you do. Don't spend your 10p tip all at once.

-Gavin, get out of there.

-Yeah, OK.

-But I need to get out of my uniform.

-Ah.

What are you taking pictures of?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Hurry up.

Wait, I got to do it panoramic style.

Come on.

Are you trying to annoy me?

No, just an added bonus.

So, anyway, he wanted me to talk dirty to him.

What? You didn't want to?

Well, I did it but when I did it, he didn't like it, did he?

Why, what did you say?

I said, "Get off your lazy arse and do it to me,

"you stinking sack of shit."

What's the problem with that? Huh?

Don't know.

Just going doctor's.

Ah-ah-ah-ah - who gave you permission to do that?

-You did.

-When?

-When you were drunk.

That's fair enough. Just don't be long.

Thank you. Babes, babes... I got you some flowers.

Oh, Trevor, they're lovely.

You didn't pinch them off that lamppost

where that boy got knocked down, did you?

No, I got them to celebrate the good news.

What good news?

-Our money worries are over.

-Oh, Trevor, you've got a job!

No, no, I haven't got a job, but I have had a brainwave.

-Oh, dear God.

-How would you like 40 grand? 4-0?

-Don't start, Trevor.

-No, no, totally legitimate.

-Fuck the shut up.

-No, it's all official, all above board.

Don't even pollute my brain with your bullshit.

Listen, come here, come here.

I fake my own death.

How the chuffing fuck is that legit?

Well, it's insurance, isn't it? It's all proper and stuff.

Tell you what, I will pay you 40 grand to do it for real.

Hmm?

Would you?

Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep.

Chimp.

If there's a tomato in my pocket, it means it's Tuesday.

-Helps me remember.

-How does it help you remember?

Well, because it begins with a T.

-Ah, that's clever.

-Mmm.

And what if it's a Monday?

Mushroom.

And a Wednesday?

A potato.

How does that work?

Well, nothing begins with W.

Watermelon, watercress, walnuts, water...

How about Thursday?

A tomato again.

Friday?

A French bean.

-And Saturday?

-Sprout.

And Sunday?

Sprout.

Ah, might have to try that.

Go on, let's test you. What's in your pocket today?

Let me see.

A parsnip.

What's that for?

I've no idea.

Maybe it's your lunch.

No. Why have I got a parsnip in my pocket?

So I found out where he went on holiday

and I went there too at the same time and he didn't like it very much

cos his wife was there, so he changed his phone number.

Well, my ex-boyfriend, he unfriended me

so I unfriended him and then he unfollowed me,

so I unfollowed him and then he blocked me, the bastard.

That is harsh.

He's dead.

-No!

-Got beaten to death by his anger management counsellor.

I know, I know. It means I'm getting my hair cut today.

Par-snip.

-Amazing.

-Mmm.

-Foolproof, this system.

-I know!

So what are you doing this afternoon, then?

Probably just have a sit on the loo for a while...

..see what comes.

Mmm. Mmm.

Wow!

You can get a colour photocopier that collates and staples.

-It's only £439.99. We should get one.

-Why?

Because that is a good price, I'm telling you.

Oh, that is gorgeous.

-That's a laminator.

-I'd love a laminator.

-I tell you what is gorgeous.

-Mmm.

Marianne's customer.

Mmm. Oh, yeah. Oh.

-Don't stare.

-I am not staring.

He's been seeing prostitutes.

What a wanker.

Mmm. He says they don't do anything, he just talks.

And you believe him?

Maybe.

I mean, I only see my therapist for a quick shag, so it could be true.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, he's coming over, he's coming over.

Did you go to Bristol University?

No, I went to hairdressing college.

-Oh, hi.

-Hi.

Hi. But I do definitely recognise you.

Yeah, strange.

-Are you a model?

-No.

-A singer?

-Nope.

-An actress?

-No.

-Did you grow up round here?

-Yeah, I did, yeah.

Oh, me too. I left when I was 12,

but I used to live on Christopher Road.

-Oh.

-Did you live there?

No. Oh, well, we'll never know.

As it's been so long since I've lived here,

maybe you could recommend a nice place to go for a drink?

Yeah, there's the Old Lion on the corner or,

if you want something a bit posher, there's Shakers.

Shakers sounds good. Maybe I could...

buy you a drink there later if you're free?

Sorry, I'm not.

Oh.

Yeah, well, look, here's my card if you...change your mind.

-Oh. Oh. Oh, what are you doing?

-You're mad.

I went to St Alfred's Boys with him, he's a right little git.

Must be awful, having principles.

You've got principles.

Lack of opportunity is not the same as principles.

Hey! I have my moments.

Mmm. Being flashed at is not a moment.

Ooh, Gav, did you see that bloke...?

Leave me... Leave me alone.

-What is his problem?

-Miserable sod.

-And guess what?

-What?

I've swapped the numbers in his phone.

-What do you mean?

-Well, his mum's number is now his girlfriend's

and his girlfriend's is now his mum's, so whatever he was doing

in the toilet with his phone, he's sent to his mum.

Becky!

Oh, Kevan. Three little words - "Door, open, all night."

Five, six... You idiot!

Sorry. Is Dad about at all or...?

He's gone out. You can wait here.

No, I'll probably shoot off actually. I...

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-How are you?

-Yeah, fine, thank you very much.

-Good. Great.

Why are you two being so weird?

We're not being weird.

Yes, you are, all polite and awkward.

-I don't feel awkward.

-No, I don't, no, not...not at all.

Oh, my God. You slept together.

You didn't! You did!

-What's going on?

-They had sex.

You had sex?

Yes, fine, we had sex. Is that a crime?

No, it's not a crime, no. It's just... It's just weird.

Why is it weird?

-I'm a normal hot-blooded woman and he is...

-Gay.

-What?

-What?

-You're gay.

-No, I'm not.

-Yeah, you are.

No, he's not. He would have said something.

-He didn't need to say anything.

-It's obvious.

-Even

-I

-knew that.

-What does that mean?

-You're just not into women.

-I am.

OK, name some women that you find attractive.

OK, that's not a problem.

-Lady Gaga.

-Gay.

-Kylie.

-So gay.

Victoria Beckham.

Oh, that's just the closest you can get to banging David.

Just tell them you're not gay.

Kevan.

Say something.

Don't tell Mum or she'll have one of her episodes.

Gay.

How come I didn't know?

-I should have been able to tell, shouldn't I?

-Yeah.

It's like my gayness detector's faulty.

Gaydom and accents I'm no good at.

Yeah, and also charades. Oh, how is this...

..Chicken Run?

How come nobody ever said?

Cos Trevor doesn't know.

So it's not just me?

Yeah, but Trevor's a twat. You've got no excuse.

How long have you known for?

Years.

Are you going to tell Trevor?

I suppose so.

Oi, oi! Show us your balls.

They're bigger than yours.

They have to be to walk around looking like this.

-Whoop, hello.

-Sorry.

-It's all right.

-I just haven't been sleeping.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah, it's been a week now and...don't know what's wrong,

I just cannot sleep.

That's funny cos I sleep really well.

Do you?

Yeah, really, really well, like, my head touches the pillow and I'm off.

Good for you.

Yeah. Eight hours of totally uninterrupted...

Yeah, OK. I get the message.

Oh, it's making you a little irritable, isn't it?

Oh, lack of sleep can do that.

SHE SPEAKS ITALIAN

..onion rings... SHE SPEAKS ITALIAN

-Mum...I'm so glad you came.

-I...

Shame on you!

Mum. Mum!

You OK? What was that about?

Mmm. Nothing. Nothing.

He's probably gone straight back to the toilet with his phone again.

-No, his phone's here.

-Has he got a text? What does it say?

-What does it say?

-Oooh! His mum sent him a picture of a pair of boobs.

Oh, well, delete it otherwise he'll catch on.

Catch on to what?

Go on, tell her.

I swapped the numbers in his phone.

Becky, is that really a good idea?

Yes, it's a great idea.

Well, most people would.

Yeah, but most people are Chinese. It doesn't prove anything.

So, babes, I've got the insurance form here.

I'm going to fill it out, then...

If you do that, you'll be dead.

Yeah, exactly. Dead rich. Champagne for breakfast...

-Trev, Trev, just shut up a minute...

-..steak...

I've got something important to tell you.

Kevan is gay.

No, he isn't.

-Yes, he is.

-No, he isn't.

-Yes, he is.

-He is.

But...that means this could be the end of the Wilson line.

We can only hope so.

Wiped out forever.

Like the dinosaurs.

Yeah, your brains were just too tiny for your bodies,

plus you've got these weirdly short arms.

No, no, no, no, it can't be true.

-I wonder if dinosaurs were all benders.

-I won't allow it.

Really, what are you going to do about it?

Trevor, he's not dead. He's just gay.

Well, stop saying that, will you?

Your words are like a knife to my heart.

Oh, get over it, you big poof.

-I've known for years, haven't you?

-Yeah.

Oh, watch this, this is going to be funny.

-Mum, did you get my text?

-I got the text.

What does it mean?

It means you're sick. It means there's something wrong with you.

It means you're not the son I thought I had.

But, Mum, I had to tell you. I had...

No, you did not have to tell me.

But I don't know what to do. Is it going to be all right, or...?

No, and may God help you, cos I can't help you.

Mum, Mum, don't say that. Mum. Mum. Mum. Mum!

That didn't seem that funny.

Can you make me look like Brad Pitt?

Yeah, I can make you look like Brad Pitt,

if Brad Pitt had different hair...

and was standing quite a long way away.

You're nice and tall, aren't you?

Yeah, that's cos I used to be a bloke.

My brother's tall. He's six foot six.

Yeah? How many brothers you got?

Just the one. He's my twin, actually. Siamese.

Siamese? Where is he, then?

Who now?

Well, if he's your Siamese twin,

he should be like on a... dangling off your arm or something.

He's at home.

Right, well then, he's not your Siamese twin, then.

Oh, he is. No word of a lie.

He hasn't got a single hair on his body.

That's something else.

Is it?

Hi.

Hi.

Listen, I'm sorry.

I don't want you to be sorry.

I want you to be glad.

Sorry.

Why did you do it with me?

I don't know, I just... I was just sort of being friendly,

I suppose, and...well, you seemed keen, so...

Oh, great.

So am I the only woman you've ever slept with or...?

No, I've had sex before.

Really? Can't even give me that.

I mean, it was a long time ago if that helps.

-So why now?

-I don't know, really.

I suppose I just wanted to make sure I wasn't that into it.

Oh. I see. Yeah, I suppose I do that with aubergine.

Keep thinking, "Is it really that gross?"

and then other people like it and then I try it,

and yeah, it really is that gross.

Yeah, so you're sort of all right about it, then?

No, I'm not. I'm not an aubergine. I'm a human being.

This is the least romantic conversation I've ever had.

How can I make this better?

You can't.

OK.

But try.

Sorry, yeah. Look, I mean, you're lovely, you know?

And...everything's...you know,

it's...it's where it's supposed to be.

It's like a medical.

You know, and it was nice.

You know, it was... it was really nice.

Well, if you enjoy that sort of thing, I suppose.

-OK, you're actually making it worse.

-Sorry.

So how do you feel when you have sex with a man?

Well, I don't know, I've never done it.

He's gay and he's never had sex with a man before.

Well, obviously it's on my to-do list...you know.

What was it like?

Oh, in my wide experience, it was really nice.

Just choose someone who's not using you for experimental purposes.

On day one, you have a shake for breakfast, shake for lunch,

shake for dinner.

Day two, you have a shake for breakfast, shake for lunch,

shake for dinner.

On day three, you have a shake for break... Ah!

..breakfast, shake for lunch, shake for dinner.

-Sperm's tiny.

-How tiny?

Well, did you know that you can fit the equivalent of the entire

population of the world in sperm on the head of a pin?

Yeah, but it would take ages.

Can I quickly pop over to see Michael again?

I'll make up for it later, I promise.

-Just be quick.

-Yeah!

Sue, babes, help me.

You total and utter pillock.

Help me.

I told you not to do this, Trevor.

HE CHOKES AND GAGS

That looks rubbish.

Oh, God.

No-one's going to believe that.

Do you know, there's more to faking your own death

than splashing a bit of ketchup about?

Just get up now, please, before I get really pissed off.

Trevor. Trevor, get up, please.

Trevor, get up.

Trevor, I've got customers!

SIREN WAILS

How's his pulse rate? Is he breathing OK?

-Yeah, it seems OK.

-Has he lost consciousness at all?

-Oh...

-How much blood has he lost?

-That much.

-Have you tried to stem the blood flow?

-Oh, not as such.

-Has he vomited at all?

-Oh, urgh.

-Or coughed up any blood?

Oh, can you actually stop talking about blood?

And how deep is the wound?

Urgh, Oh. I don't feel...very well.

Leave her. We've got to go.

Can someone get the door, please?

Trevor, don't die! Oh, Trevor, don't die!

Be gentle!

Oh, sounds nice.

Yeah, I've never been a bridesmaid before.

-Mmm.

-I'm really excited.

-Yeah.

-The dresses.

They're, like, classic and modern at the same time

and the... What was that?

Is that my hair? Oh, my God, is that my scalp?

Just...a little bit peeking through.

Oh, no.

Probably feels worse than it looks because, don't worry,

when's the wedding?

Tomorrow. What am I going to do?

OK, well, what we could do is just...

No. No, no, no. She wants us all with our hair down.

Down? Down, OK. Well, how about we pop...

We're supposed to have flowers in our hair.

Well, you could still. Just a few...

-I can't be the only one with a hat on.

-Individual.

Oh, my God. She is going to kill me.

I'm really, really sorry.

We've had a bit of a... Just finding it very hard to concentrate.

Whoa, hold on, what are you doing?

Texting my mum.

-Yeah, I wouldn't do that.

-Why not?

-Just it's not a very good idea.

-Mind your own business.

Look, Gavin. Gavin, stop. Someone swapped the numbers on your phone.

-What?

-Someone swapped your mum with your girlfriend.

Who? What, Becky?

It was, wasn't it?

-I'm not saying.

-Wasn't it?

Yes.

But can you not say that I said because...?

Do you mind if I take that?

It's just that I've got a new job and I have to answer.

Oh, it's fine.

Hello? Speaking.

I'm feeling very hot.

I'm standing here in my underwear and I'm still too hot,

so I'm very slowly going to undo my bra

and release my milky white globes

which are imprisoned in their lacy...prisons.

And now I'm sucking my own nipple.

-Is that possible?

-I don't think so.

Oh, well. Oh. Oh.

Oh...

This is a nightmare.

Well, the good news is you look fine from the front.

-I am never doing that again.

-Why? Did you get caught?

-No, they made me empty a bedpan.

-Did you see Trevor and Sue?

-No, I think they went to a different hospital.

-I'm so worried about him.

-Where's Gav?

-Gone to his mum's.

You didn't tell him about the numbers, did you?

He was really upset.

Oh, it was funny.

It wasn't funny.

It's so unfair.

No-one says anything when he changes my Facebook status to maniac.

I'm not a maniac!

Says the woman dressed as a nurse.

Oh, said the bloke dressed as a woman.

Right, that's it.

-Oh! OK, OK.

-Ah! Ah!

-Girls, break it up.

-Oh!

Oi! Oi, oi, oi! What's going on?

I turn my back for one minute and we've got crying customers,

fighting staff.

You smell of shit. And where's Gavin?

THEY TALK AT ONCE

I cannot deal with this right now. Someone go and get us a cup of tea.

-Are you all right?

-I thought you were dead.

He could have been.

One inch to the left and he would have been.

What happened?

He skidded on a grape and fell onto the open dishwasher.

Oh, my God.

You should get one of those new dishwashers

where the cutlery goes at the top. You can get one for, like, £319.99.

Dad?

Kevan, what are you doing here?

I was worried about you. You all right?

No, I'm not bloody all right. I think you should leave.

Oh, come on, Dad.

Trev, Trev, Trev, hang on a minute. Let's just think.

What's more like a knife to your heart -

finding out your son's gay or... an actual knife to your heart?

I just feel like I don't really know him any more.

He's still the same person.

I suppose.

He's still the same weasel-faced,

tight-fisted selfish little shit-for-brains worm he always was.

-All right, Sue.

-All right, I'm trying to help.

Give him a kiss.

Oh, whoa, whoa, now listen. Handshake, that's just fine, mate.

Thanks, Dad.

What would I do without you?

I don't know, Trev. I honestly don't know.

What would you without me?

Have an easier life, less stress, get bored.

I thought I was a goner, babes.

I thought you were a goner too.

KNOCKING

Oh, poxy Peruvians. Close the door, lock the door.

-Senor, come in.

-What are you doing?

You still owe us 50 quid.

Yes, I will give you your money if you play it again.

Trevor Wilson, will you marry me?

Yes, I will.

APPLAUSE

-I'm going to have a veil...

-Yeah.

-..and a fuck-off train...

-Oh, lovely.

..and the whole works.

I'm actually feeling a little bit squiffy, so I'm going to head off.

-Congratulations.

-Oh, thank you.

-Can I have a quick word? Is that all right? Like, in private?

-Yeah.

Why, do you want to double check if you're gay or not?

No.

-I...found this.

-Yes.

-I think it's a bra, yeah.

-Thank you.

Sorry.

Did it ever work out between you and the aubergine at all?

Well, I had some fritters once that were so nearly there, but...

Look, I just wanted to say that... well, that you're...a fritter.

What?

No, what I mean is, well, if girls...were aubergines, you know,

you'd...you'd be a fritter.

-Thanks.

-Yeah.

Becks, Becks, would you lock up, darling?

I'm going to go through the back, get more booze.

Yeah, OK. I'm just finishing this eBay bidding.

I will get this aquarium if it kills me.

-Where's Gavin?

-Not here.

-He's not answering my calls.

-Oh, that probably doesn't mean...

He can't send me texts like that and then not answer my calls.

Yeah, but he might not realise...

-What is wrong with him anyway?

-I don't know.

-He's sick.

-Well, yeah, but the thing is...

-I'm not ready for this.

This is just supposed to be some fun. I'm not his bloody nurse.

-No, no, but what might have happened...

-Just tell him it's over.

-No, no, listen, wait...

-Whatever he's got, I don't want to catch it.

Yeah, but someone swapped...

I asked him to send me a photo of his dick

and suddenly I get this whole sob story how he's got MS or something

and how he's scared and he needs me.

It's too much. I'm the one who's bloody scared.

No, I didn't sign up for this shit, so just tell him, OK?

But, you know, make it sound nice.

I want a big Princess Diana train, only ironed properly.

You can have it.

Bridesmaids. Bridesmaids. Loads of them.

Oh, sorry, babes. Mmm.

Anything you want.

Really posh reception. Oh! Fizzy wine, fizzy wine,

tiny little quiches and tiny little pizzas

and tiny little chicken wings.

Definitely. Definitely.

-I can't wait.

-Neither can I.

And after we're married...

we can have a baby.

A little Trevling, hmm?

Trevella.

Oh, Trevonce.

# Should I give up

# Or should I just keep chasing pavements

# Even if it leads nowhere?

# I build myself up

# And fly around in circles

# Waiting as my heart drops

# And my back begins to tingle

# Finally, could this be it

# Or should I give up...? #

Come on, babes, let's go.

All right?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd