Episode 3 Quick Cuts

'THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE.'

-Trev, we're getting married tomorrow.

-Mouse is getting the ring.

-Oh! I don't want a dodgy ring!

-I want you to have the best!

I don't want the best! I want not the worst, and not...not a ring.

-It'll be fine.

-Oh, can't we just go to a shop and buy a ring, please?

Like everyone else does.

Mouse has got mates.

Yes. Inmates!

Look, it's not like that. Don't worry. All right?

Your ring is going to be the bee's bollocks, trust me.

All right, darling?

Hello, Mum.

Making an honest woman of her at long last are you, Trev?

Only because you won't have me, Val.

Oh, get in the queue, darling! How's business?

It's good, it's good. It's not bad.

Not bad's not good enough. Everyone's got hair, Sue.

If they're not coming in here to get it cut,

then you're doing something wrong.

I know, mum, can we not talk about work today?

-I'm just telling you what I know! Do you know how long I had a salon?

-30 years.

30 years! Not much I don't know about running a salon.

All right, OK, so how do you want your hair for tomorrow?

-Usual please, darling.

-Atomic mutton?

-That's the one.

Becky, could you shampoo Mother, please? What, are you wearing Spanx?

Yeah! Do you think it makes me look slimmer?

No. Everything's moved up a couple of feet.

You look like you're wearing a flesh snood.

What? God, you old bagwash!

I'm so pissed off with him.

He said he had a birthday surprise.

What was it?

He burped "Happy Birthday".

The whole song?

Yep.

No card, no present?

No. That was it.

I can't even do one, actually. It's quite impressive.

SHE BURPS FIRST BARS OF "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"

A bit of sick came up.

Do you know which insect is the most poisonous on Earth?

-Mosquito?

-No. Daddy-long-legs.

-No way!

-It's true!

Their venom is worse than a mosquito's,

only their jaws are too weak to bite you.

I suppose if they organised themselves,

they could all gang up together and lick you to death.

Hold that thought.

Mate!

Mate!

-Mate!

-Mate!

-The fuck?! Who did this?

-Who d'you think, man?

-What, Meatball?

-Yeah, Meatball!

-What did you do?

-Nothing!

-Well, nothing-nothing or something-nothing?

-Nothing!

Sort of, all right, I might have looked at her.

Bruv, you don't look at Chantelle, you don't talk to Chantelle,

you don't think about Chantelle. You know what he's like!

I know, but now. Bruv, I need a favour.

Uh-uh, no way.

I'm not getting involved with Meatball, he's a madman!

It's not like that!

I need a wazz.

Oh, Skin, yeah, yeah, yeah! Go on, it's in the back.

Yeah, but I need someone to...

Hold it.

Oh! No, sir. No way.

Who am I meant to ask?!

I, I don't know. Anybody.

What, Chantelle? Am I meant to ask Chantelle?

Did I hear someone say Chantelle's name?

No, no, I didn't say anything!

I didn't definitely say it. I didn't say anything.

Good! Because I went easy on you last time.

I was in a good mood.

But I'm no' in such a good mood the day!

I'm so sorry to hear that, Meatball. Is there anything I can do to help?

Aye. Stay oot of my line of vision!

Both of yees!

Move!

Bitch!

I... I thought I was dead just then!

I thought I was dead just then. Come on, I'll take you for a wazz.

It's all right. I don't need to go any more.

I'm done.

How did it go with Michael last night?

-Oh, I didn't see him. He cancelled.

-Why?

Because it was an anniversary, and apparently you have to spend those with your wife.

Do you? Did you bring my shoes back?

Oh...

Becky! They're for the wedding tomorrow!

You're going to have to go home and get them!

-They're not at home.

-Well, where are they?

The left one is in a pond.

-Why?

-It was an accident!

Couldn't you just fish it out?

Uh, no, he's got carp.

-Who's got carp?

-Michael.

-What were you doing in his pond?

-I wasn't in his pond!

I was in his rhododendron bush, then I tripped on the rockery,

then my left shoe went in the pond. YOUR left shoe.

They're my best shoes.

Well, I've got the right one, if that helps?

What am I supposed to do, hop down the aisle?!

Well, what am I supposed to do, not spy on Michael?

It looks fabulous, darling. But then, you were taught by the best.

-Mum, there's something I need to ask you.

-Yeah, what is it?

Well, no, not now, can you come back after lunch?

-No. I'm having my moustache bleached.

-Oh, we can do that here!

What?! I'm not letting that ladyboy anywhere near my 'tache!

(She's not a ladyboy!)

Well, whatever it is, I am not letting it near my 'tache!

Or my downstairs department!

Doesn't want to go near there, not with your thigh-brows.

Oh, you should see 'em now, Sue.

It's not a waxing I need, it's a frigging lawn mower!

Sssh! Mum? Customers!

Look, just, please, would you come back later? It's really important.

He's been lying to me about everything. It's all lies.

Oh, no!

Yeah. For a start, he was not a hired assassin.

(He was a rat catcher.)

-Not so different.

-Mmm.

All right?

Hey. How's things?

Mum's just about talking to me again.

Oh, that's good.

Teena's not returning my calls.

Yeah, she came in and said she might not.

Right. Thanks.

Apart from your mum and Teena, how are things?

Yeah, good.

-You feeling OK?

-Fine.

You're not tired or anything?

Tired of you asking me questions!

Oh!

TUMBLE DRYER BEEPS

Oh, shit!

What's up?

I got my customer's top wet, I said I'd dry it for them.

Unless your customer's an elf, you're in big trouble.

I know.

Gav, Gav, um...

Just wanted to say I am sorry.

Don't tell me, tell her.

No, not the jumper. You.

Um, I'm sorry about your mum,

and I'm sorry about Teena,

and, and I'm sorry about you.

I know... that, that you are not well.

HE GUFFAWS

I don't know what you're talking about.

Teena told me what the doctor said.

I googled it and everything.

Yeah, I...I got customers. I got to go.

Um, is there anything I can do?

Yeah.

Forget you ever knew.

-..And then he only went and got a snake.

-No!

-Yeah! Great big one.

-I HATE snakes.

-And he let it sleep in the bed with us.

-No, I can't bear them.

-All curled up.

-Uh, slimy little bastards!

-Loved it more than he loved me.

-No, no, they make my flesh crawl.

Then he went away to his mother's for a week,

and the snake stopped eating.

It was pining, the little fucker!

Yes. Yes, that's what I said.

It went off its food. It didn't move.

Just lay in the bed beside me, all long and flat.

So what did you do?

-I rang the vet. Do you know what he said?

-What?

He said that it was measuring me.

That it was starving itself, and that it was measuring me,

and I was a day away from getting swallowed whole.

-Will you shut up, please?

-Yeah! Apparently,

-what they do is...

-I don't actually want to know.

-Dislocate their jaw...

-No, can you not...

Then their heads flip back, and you get swallowed...

-No, don't tell me any more! Can you shut up now?

-..getting slowly digested...

Do you know what? I said, right, do you know what? Get out.

-What?!

-Out! Out!

-You can't...

-Out, please!

What you doing, you mad witch?

Out!

My jacket! Give me my jacket!

-Get out!

-Argh!

So, I was off sick all last week,

and I was off sick Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday

and then Thursday I tried to go in, but, no, hat's not right.

I was off sick Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,

and then I tried to go in Friday...

Can I help you?

I'm Martin's dad.

-Martin?

-Hi, Dad.

Is that you?

Yeah, this is me. What are you doing here?

Is Mum all right?

Yeah, she's fine.

Are you all right?

I'm fine, I just, came to see where you work.

Oh. Well, here I am.

This is my boss, Sue.

Oh, pleased to meet you. She's a credit to you.

-(Don't tell her I said that!)

-TITTERS NERVOUSLY

-Could we have a little chat?

-Yeah, yeah, of course.

Not here, not now.

-How about lunchtime?

-Yeah, OK.

Uh, we could go to the Old Lion. I could see you there about two?

Yeah, see you then.

All right. See ya.

That's my dad.

Bollocks!

-What's wrong?

-The ring.

Oh, he hasn't given it to you yet?

-Yeah, yeah, I got it.

-What's the problem?

It's, er... It's still on someone else's finger.

How do you mean?

Oh, my God, that is gross.

Don't worry. She died of natural causes.

-You've got to help me get it off.

-I can't.

I'm really squeamish.

Please, Annie, for Sue's sake!

Somebody called Becky work here?

That depends. Does she owe you money?

No. She's been recommended to me by someone.

-Really?

-Yeah. Is she free?

Of course, she's free! Becky? You've got a customer!

-Where's Annie?

-In the back.

Hi!

Please come through.

-Just suck it off!

-No way!

It's the only answer.

I'm not doing it, Trev. Oh, my God.

OK, come on, we haven't got much time.

I'm getting married soon. So I'm going to hold it.

-OK, OK, quickly.

-You're going to suck it.

-Suck it off.

-All right.

What's going on in here? What are you two up to?

-Nothing.

-Nothing!

Yeah, yeah, it looks like nothing(!)

Annie went and got your ring stuck on her finger.

Show me.

No. I won't.

What?

What she means is, is just that we wanted it to be a surprise

because when you see it, you're going to love it.

(It's beautiful. It's beautiful.)

You get my bloody ring off your chubby spinster finger

and into the velvet pouch.

We were wondering, how would we do that?

Soap!

Soap, good idea.

Yeah.

(Twats!)

-What are you drinking?

-Half pint of lager, please.

Oh, I thought you'd have something more...

Hello, Robert. Long time no see. What can I get you?

I'll have a Guinness and he'll, er, she'll have lager.

We'll both have lager.

Halves or pints?

I don't care, both, whatever.

Surprise us.

Here does your wife know about this?

It was her idea.

Ho-ho! Spicing things up, are we?

Don't be daft! It's nothing like that. It's my...

It's nothing like that.

Your secret's safe with me, you old devil!

More, more than that. Come on, don't be shy.

Oh, now it's too slippy.

It's like a soapy sausage.

-Uh, it hasn't quite come out how I meant.

-No, that's fine.

-Really?

-Yeah!

-Oh, great.

We won't charge you for that.

Oh, thanks!

What did you ask for?

Bob.

She's given you a Bob Geldof. I can redo it if you like?

No, no, it's fine.

Right. Just, don't tell anyone you had your hair done here.

Here we go!

Actually, I work in a tanning shop and if you ever want to come down

you can have mate's rates, if you like.

-Would you?

-Yeah, course!

-Amazing! Can I come this afternoon?

-Definitely!

Thanks!

-Beautiful!

-Thanks!

Ooh!

Just cut that bit there.

-Do that bit.

-Yeah.

Cut it just there.

Right now...

There. Cut this bit just there.

Just there.

Just that bit there.

Let's see that?

Let me see it?

That's a bit much.

-Oh, hi!

-Hello.

I didn't think you were coming.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Oh, well, uh... This, this is it.

It's wonderful.

Oh, no. It's just small and, you know, it needs decorating.

-And the m-makeover...

-I love it.

So.

Shall I do your hair?

Oh, no, I'm sure you're far too busy.

-No, no, no, I want to.

-I could do it!

-I'm doing it!

Have a seat. I'll just, uh, I'll just clean that. Coat.

Coat first. And then clean.

Becky, Becky, Becky? Could you clean that?

No, it's all right, I've done it now, just get a gown.

Have a seat. That's it.

Right, not that one, a nicer one than that!

So, can I offer you a tea or coffee?

-Oh, er, tea, please.

-Milk and sugar?

-(I'm doing it!)

No milk, one sugar.

That's how I have it! That's, that, that's how I have it. That's amazing.

How's work?

All good. I've been given some extra duties.

I can do eyelash extensions and nails

as well as waxing and hair cutting.

Oh, right.

How's your work?

I've got my retirement do coming up.

-Oh, I know. Mum told me, at that new hotel.

-Yes.

-Very posh! Has mum bought her dress yet?

-Yes.

-Have you seen it?

-Yes.

-Oh, what's it like?

-I don't know.

I mean should I be, um, smart casual or, or smart smart?

Are Steve and Phil going to wear their suits?

Oh, I can't wait to see them in their suits.

The thing is, you see...

-Oh, they are going, aren't they?

-Yes. But, er...

I'd prefer if you didn't come.

Oh...

Whoopsie daisy!

Ooh, I'm usually better at it than this.

I'm a bit, a bit nervous.

You seem very professional to me.

Who is she?

(I've no idea. I've never seen her like this before.)

Oi, sticky beaks, back to work!

So, um, will you come to the wedding?

I'm not sure that's a good idea.

Well, you won't be able to if I mess up your hair.

I can tell you're very good at your job.

It's like looking in a mirror.

I mean, I know we are looking in a mirror, but...

No way! I was there too.

Bruv, were you on the main bit where all the, um...

All the clubs were, yeah?

Er, no, I went to a yoga retreat.

Madness, bruv. Have you ever been so drunk in your entire life, honest?

I didn't really drink.

Yeah, trust me, man, I did a little bit of that too, bruv.

Get to the bar at ten, get to the club around midnight.

Don't get back to the hotel till like midday, sleep until ten,

wake up and do it all again.

And, bruv, I didn't see daylight.

Seems a bit of a shame.

Why, what did you get up to?

Oh, I learned how to make tabouleh.

OK, what's that?

Oh, it's bulgur wheat with mint and parsley.

Insane, insane, insane. How do you take that though?

Is it like a...? Or like a...?

Babes, babes, where's that hammer?

It's under the sink. Why?

No, nothing. Just fancy doing a bit of DIY.

Trev, Trev... There's someone I want you to meet.

Yeah, yeah. No time, bit busy.

That's Trev, he's a twat.

I'm mean he's...

He's Trevor.

Look, make it stay still.

It's just too slippy.

Just hold it as tight as you can.

OK, but just don't hit me, will you?

Don't worry. I'm a very good shot.

SCREAMING

It's probably just someone having a bikini wax. She's very thorough.

-Ten minutes?

-Yeah, ten minutes, perfect.

Don't want to look too pale in my bridesmaid's dress.

I just cannot believe you'd do that.

Yeah, but would they let you go if you dressed normally?

-This is normal.

-Yeah, no, no. I mean, if you dressed like a bloke.

Why would I do that? I'm not a bloke.

-You are.

-I'm his daughter.

-Son.

-No.

Well, you can hardly go, "This is my son.

"He's dressed up like a bird."

No, he can say, "This is my daughter."

Yeah, but you're not. I mean, listen.

You can see his point though. I mean, what's he supposed to do?

He's supposed to love me no matter what.

-Yeah, you might be pushing your luck there.

-Why can't he do that for me?

Why can't you just dress like a bloke for him?

Oh, why can't you just shut up?

Whoa! That's a lot of macho aggression going on.

I think my ten minutes is up.

No, it's all right. Have a bit more. On the house.

Really?

That will always be on the house.

Mi casa es su casa. Is that right?

-Sounds good to me.

-Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, darling.

Can I just use your lav? I think I've got my thong on back to front.

No, Mum, Mum...

There's someone I want you to meet.

This is Mum.

Hello.

-What do you mean?

-Well, I tracked her down.

You said I could, and I never wanted to, but with the wedding...

-What's she doing here?

-Well, I wanted you to meet her.

-I'm sorry, I have to go.

-No, no, Mum, Mum.

I want her to come to the wedding.

How can she? The table settings are all worked out.

And the canapes, they are all accounted for.

It's not possible.

I don't know why you'd want it.

I'm there. Why do you want HER?

-I think I'd better leave.

-No, don't go.

No, no. No, you stay. You go to the wedding.

You sit in MY seat.

And YOU ruin the most important day of MY life.

I knew this would happen. I bloody knew it!

I'm sorry. I thought she'd be pleased.

I should go.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Hello. I've had enough now.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Hello. I think I've had enough. I'm a bit hot.

BANGS ON DOOR

Is anyone there?

Hi, sorry. I was just on the phone to my husband.

Michael. I think you know him. Don't you?

I've broken my finger.

Annie. It's all gone bollocks.

Don't worry. I think I'll be all right.

Can I come out, please?

No. Fry, slut, fry!

Everybody ready for the stag night?

-Absolutely, absolutely.

-Sort of.

-Where we going - Cellars?

-No, barred from there.

-What, King's Head?

-Barred.

-Where then, Hacienda?

-No, no. Not after what happened with the dwarf.

-That was embarrassing.

-So what then?

-I mean I've got my passport just in case.

-Won't need that.

-Mate had a blinding stag in Bratislava.

-Barred from there.

What, you're barred from the whole of Bratislava?

Yeah, yeah. There was a misunderstanding.

-So, where we going then?

-Er, Mouse's house.

-Huh?

-How come?

-Well, that is where Cindy is.

Cindy!

Oh, oh, yeah. What's that, a stripper, yeah?

-No.

-What, prostitute?

-No.

-What then?

Dog.

Well, I'll watch, but...

Did you have a good time last night while you were out with MY husband?

When he was meant to be spending the evening with me.

It was our anniversary, for God's sake!

I wasn't with him last night.

Bull shit. I found the receipt in his pocket.

He told me he was seeing YOU.

Well, he told me that he was working late.

And then I find he spent 200 quid on dinner and cocktails at Shakers.

What?

Seriously. This is where we're going to have the stag do?

-This is dead.

-Yeah. This is well dead, man, this is bull.

This is rank, bruv.

Yeah, well, it's like well rank, innit, blud?

-OK, yeah, don't do that.

-Sorry, man.

What are we doing here?

Look, I can't enjoy myself until I get the ring back.

Well, how are you going to do that?

Mouse said it's going to eat the flesh and spit the ring out.

-No way.

-No way.

-He says he eats human flesh.

-How exactly does he know that?

Yeah, how exactly will you stop it eating YOUR human flesh?

Listen. Nothing that dog can do to me is as bad as what Sue will do to me

if I turn up tomorrow without a ring.

-True.

-Comprende?

-All right, go on then. Throw it in.

-Throw it in then.

It's eaten the sodding ring!

Total and utter lying, scheming toe-rag bastard!

Get out of my pod, you mentalist!

I cannot believe he would do this to me.

To you! To us! The two-faced lying little worm!

LAUGHS

What?

Your face!

Oh! Bollocks. I'm going to clash with my bridesmaid's dress!

Have you got any aloe vera?

-Course.

-Can I have some?

-No.

This is the worst stag do ever.

-Tell me about it.

-Where the girls at?

Look, she's got to take a dump some time.

Yeah, you know what? We'll go to the club, get the drinks in.

Yeah, good idea. I'll help you.

Yeah, we'll be at the back, yeah. We'll see you there.

What you need is a laxative. What's a good laxative?

Well, thinking about Sue when she's angry usually works for me.

Mm...

-Morning.

-Agh! Chantelle.

-What?

-Oh, shit!

Come on, my lovely. Big poo for daddy. Come on.

Come on. Cindy...

Oh, I love it. You look like a princess.

You look amazing.

And you all look like a heap of shite. Except Marianne.

-Thank you.

-So, how come I look like a man in drag and you don't?

Just don't stand too near me in the photos. Or you.

-Is it too early for the bubbly?

-It is never too early.

Oh, give me this. Oh!

Oh, oh.

Is Trev going to like it?

Oh, Mum. Oh, Mum, please come.

I didn't mean to upset you.

Oh, it's all right. Pipe down, I'm coming.

I'm not going to let a 200 quid frock go to waste, am I?

I'm so sorry about Jenny. I didn't think that...

Oh, she can come too. The more the merrier.

Really? You don't have to.

No, listen. I've been doing some thinking.

And I reckon she's missed out on enough already.

Mum!

Plus, she's older than me, and she's got a bigger arse.

Oh! This is going to be the best day.

Come on, you stupid mutt. I haven't got much longer.

I haven't got... I haven't got much longer.

Come on, come on! Come on.

Meatball, Meatball's coming. I slept with his girlfriend last night.

He's going to kill me. Call the police. Do something!

-Oh!

-Hey, hey, hey. Meatball!

Where were you last night?

Last night? Uh... Let me think. I was, um...

-With me.

-Really?

-Yep.

-Where?

-At um...

-My place.

But... You were at the club.

-Uh, yeah, yeah. But then I was feeling...

-My arse.

I was going to say really drunk.

That's why he felt my arse.

And then I decided to get...

-Laid.

-I was going to say some fresh air.

Oh, we did it outside.

So, where were you from 3am to 8am?

From 3am...

Oh, we were at it hammer and tongs.

Is that true?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Came back to my place. We did it, like, five times.

She's exaggerating.

Don't be so modest.

I mean, look. I wouldn't normally sleep with a man

with such a tiny penis.

Hung like a hummingbird.

Oh, but he really knows what he's doing with it.

Oh, thanks. Thanks.

Oh, don't mention it. Tiger.

Mm. Roar!

I came here today to beat the shite out of you for shagging my bird.

Seems I was wrong.

Hey, we all make mistakes.

Aye.

-What was that for?

-That's for shagging a freak. You weirdo.

-That's it.

-Come on!

Stop it. It is my wedding day.

It's traditional to let the bride lamp the twat.

Oh, yes, you beauty.

With this ring, I thee wed.

# How can it be that we can... #

It's the happiest day of my life.

See, told you.

Do you like the ring?

I love the ring.

Do you like the reception?

I love the reception.

And I love YOU, Mr Wilson.

Only the very best for my wife.

Excuse me a second.

Ladies and gentlemen, it behoves me as the groom, to say a few words.

Waiters, if you could go and get the champagne,

I've got a little surprise planned.

Good. Good. OK, Operation Leg It is go, go, go.

Come on, Pete. Operation Leg It is go. You know what to do.

# If you like to gamble

# I'll tell you I'm your man

# You win some, lose some

# It's all the same to me... #

Yeah, so, babes, we've got to leave.

What the fuck is going on?

I only paid a deposit.

I said I'd give them the rest in cash at the end of the day.

-What?

-We got all this for free.

We're not doing a runner on my wedding day.

You can't, babe, we can't afford this.

Now come on. Chop, chop. Before they come back.

Well, you absolute...

Oh, come on, girls.

Go, go.

# Going with the blue It's all a game to me... #

# Seven or 11 Snake eyes watching you... #

Trevor! I want a divorce!

# Seven or 11 Snake eyes watching you

# Double up or quit, double stake or split

# The ace of spades, the ace of spades! #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd