Fight Rab C Nesbitt

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

ALARM RINGS

GROANING

Ooh!

Oh-oh-oh!

Hello there. ..Oh!

You join me at a most exciting moment,

as I am being booted to buggery by two young chanty-wrasslers.

Ooh!

Oh!

Actually, taking a kicking now

has become a lively social event,

and the reason is simple.

Because one young bam

is tweeting what he's doing on Twitter

and the other is recording my discomfort

for YouTube. Orghhhh!

DOORBELL RINGS

What time do you call this?

Mr Nesbitt regrets

that he was unavoidably detained

on alcohol business.

All right, give me the lecture.

No lecture.

What?

In the past you'd have read me the Riot Act then handed me a fork,

so's I could pick my balls up off the floor.

In the past we had a future, Rab. Now we don't,

cos if you keep going the way you're going, you're going to be deid in six months.

Whereas I will still be vertical.

Now...

Oh, wait. Are my seams straight?

Aye, your seams are straight.

Wait a minute, what are you wearing stockings with seams for?

Because it draws attention to the line of the leg.

Whose attention?

Anybody that wants to look.

Employers, satyrs, white slave traders,

retired accountants from Milngavie.

In short, the wonderfully wicked world of men.

I'm men!

Men that don't have a label tied to their big toe.

I'll say this for you, you're no' half coping well with the grieving process.

I'm no' even deid yet and you're already oot on the sniff.

If life is a drama, Rab, I am in my third act.

I don't have time to waste on regrets.

One oot, one in.

That's the way it goes.

PHONE RINGS

And if you'll excuse me, I have to take a business call.

On a Sunday?

Oh, that'll be the undertaker, likely.

He'll be looking for a leg-over at my graveside.

Hello. Mock the ming, ditch the dirt, say sayonara to shite - you're through the House Mice.

Mary Mouse speaking. How can I help yous?

'Mary, it's Ella.'

I'm at the golf club bar.

The Seniors Tournament's just ended.

It's like they've opened up all the coffins and the zombies are just climbing out.

I see.

And is you-know-who there the noo at the said premises?

Yeah.

I see him.

Pringle jumper and a dodgy hip.

Not that that narrows it down any.

Well, please tell the said client that I shall be there pronto.

If anything arises, I shall call him on my Cockberry.

I mean, erm, Blackberry.

Wee bit of a Freudian slip there, was it no'?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

I'm watching you, lady, I'm watching you!

Whatever.

In the name of our saviour, Jesus Christ,

I baptise you Marvin

Temazepam

Bullet the Dog

Pure Quality

My Boy's Been Here All Night

Ten Pound Deal

McMenemy.

Excuse me! I can't allow drinking in the church.

Oh, aye. Sorry, Reverend, it's just we're in oot the rain.

We're just waiting on the drop-in centre opening.

The drop-in centre?

-I'm afraid that closed last week.

-What?

Aye, the council cut its funding.

You'd have known that if you'd no' been too busy lately lyin' steamin' in your ain pish!

It was somebody else's pish!

Please!

If I may make so bold...

I'm afraid my colleague has domestic difficulties.

I'm sorry to hear that.

His good lady is a cleaner who has lately become popular

at the Golf Club, where she is affectionately known

as the 19th hole!

I know what you're thinking -

I'm trying to get you drunk so I can take advantage.

Well, lots o' luck.

For the past 40 years, there's been nothing thereabouts except Rab

and a doctor's spatula.

Oh, that salty, working-class humour.

I love it.

Mary, you know, I have reached the age

when I can afford the good things in life,

and I would like that special someone to enjoy them with.

D'you mean that?

I'm more than just a cleaner to you?

We could go out on mixed fours together - soon as you get some clubs.

Well, I'm working on a putter at the very minute.

When will you have it?

As soon as the park keeper at Bellahouston turns his back.

Oh, you and your earthy, spirited ways. I love it.

Oh, here - steady. You'll have me on my back.

Oh, that would never do...would it?

Oh, you!

Right.

What's his name?

What d'ye mean?

-There's something going on here.

-Look, Rab, try and be mature, eh?

A marriage should be about communication, no' recrimination.

A marriage should be based on trust,

where two people decide they...

Oh, oh, oh! What you daein'?

I'm checking your label.

If you'd put thae knickers back on inside oot,

there was gonnae be trouble, lady.

Look, there isnae anybody else.

Ah, garbage! It's the monkey theory, isn't it? It's the monkey theory.

Women never let go of one branch

until they've got a hold of another yin.

Now, what is his name?

I am not telling you and you are never going to beat it out of me.

You watch me, lady. I'll tickle it oot of ye!

All right, all right, all right! It's Kendrew!

Kendrew?

What the hell kind of name is that?

Is he a man or a Teletubby?

He's a gentleman. He's a retired accountant.

That's enough of that. You've given me the boak now.

He has appreciated me a lot more than you ever have.

Ooargh!

You hear that? You hear that?

A retired accountant?

Chucked for a corpse that does arithmetic.

See this bloody drop-in centre? This was my finest hour, Jamesie.

This was my Archie Gemmill moment, you know?

For once, for once, I did something with my life.

Twice.

Don't forget, at the Govan alkies' sports day

we beat all comers at pishing highest up the JobCentre wall.

Aye, so we did.

Mr Nesbitt?

Aw, Christ, it's that holy bastard.

He puts me right off my swally. I'm offski.

Aw, Jamesie, don't leave me here with him.

All right, Reverend?

Mr Nesbitt, I thought you'd like to know,

I've been speaking to the local council about the community centre.

Oh.

They're saying it'll cost around £10,000

-to get it up and running again.

-10K?

-Mmm.

We've no' got that kind of money. Dear God.

The only people that are working round here are drug dealers and...

and you.

Oh, there you are - how about it, bro? What's the chances?

I don't think so.

Aw, come on - loosen up.

Chuckin' your money away is a marvellous feeling.

I mean, look at me.

I'm humped, but I'm happy.

Yes, so I see.

I'm sorry, but I have commitments.

RAB LAUGHS WEAKLY

I'm sure you do,

but they're obviously no' to the people of Govan, eh?

Well, if you're no' going to help, I will.

Mr Nesbitt, I can see that you mean well,

but I fear the monks of Buckfast Abbey have seen the best of you.

Cheery-bye the now.

HE MUTTERS UNDER HIS BREATH

You hear that there?

You hear that?

I mean, it doesnae matter how nice-natured the man is, does it?

The mere act of putting on a dog collar has turned him

into a condescending wank.

Right, I'm talking car-boot sale here.

Anybody got a motor?

Naw.

-Anybody know anybody wi' a motor?

-Naw.

Anybody in anybody's family ever caressed

-or knowingly fondled a motor?

-Naw.

-I got hit wi' a motor once.

-I see.

And by some happy twist of fate, is the boot still lodged up your pumper,

and ready to be adapted as a useful sales emporium?

Naw.

Oh, well, that kinda rules that oot

as a possible source of group largesse, doesn't it, eh?

Ya glaikit, wet-brained article that ye are!

But why did the council have to shut our wee place doon?

What's 10K to them?!

Rab, if you want to see a real fanny merchant, clock this. That bam fae the council.

'It is a time of harsh austerity

'and we are ALL suffering.

'That is why I've put together a select band of city councillors

'who will report to me once a month

'in the sauna suite of the Elysium Hotel in Mykonos.

'Last year, on our fact-finding mission

'to the discos of Gran Canaria, many people came...'

-Ye see what we're up against?

-Aye, we're humped.

-We might as well get blootered.

-Sit on your arse! We are not getting blootered.

Was Jesus blootered

when he threw the money-lenders oot the temple, eh?

Well, fair enough, he probably was, but that's no' the point.

See when I see bams like that, I know what we've got to do.

We've got to get medieval here.

We've got to shame these bastards.

We've got to use every trick in the book to make these bastards squirm.

-I could offer 'em sex.

-What?!

I'd have a bath first.

I'll tell you this, if Jesus was around today,

I know fine well what he'd have done.

And the way I'm feeling, I might just do the bloody same.

What?

< SAWING

< BANGING

Hey, what's going on?

What you up to in there?

None of your business! Bugger off.

What is all the noise about?

I've got a woman in here.

That was her napper banging aff the heidboard.

What the hell are you up to?

Oh, I see!

Yesterday you were wanting a divorce.

Noo you're worried. What's the matter?

Kendrew take fright once he had his cataracts fixed?

Get out of my bloody way!

God Almighty!

No' quite, but you're on the right lines.

# Edelweiss

# Edelweiss... #

Mmm!

Forget Jimmy Hill, Damon Hill or Blueberry Hill.

For me, there will only ever be the one Hill.

The guvnor, Vince, who you all just heard there

on the Ally Cruin "So Sweet, You'll Greet" hour.

We're still here with our local man, Rab.

Rab, what first prompted you...

Glasgow Council, that's who prompted me, boy! Glasgow bloody Council -

bunch of bloody wanks! That's what they are.

-Bunch of

-BLEEP!

-Don't get me wrong, I've nothing against

-BLEEP.

-see in the past, I could have

-BLEEP

-for Scotland.

-But see these

-BLEEP,

-see these

-BLEEP!

-These

-BLEEP

-are spit-roasting the bloody lot of us!

-Commonwealth

-BLEEP

-Games, is it?

-Commonwealth

-BLEEP

-Games?!

-They cannae gie us 10K, 10K for a

-BLEEP

-drop-in centre.

Glasgow bloody Council!

-Their

-BLEEP

-expense accounts and their

-BLEEP

-Hugo Boss

-BLEEP

-dinners!

-They gie me the

-BLEEP

-dry boak, the

-BLEEP

-lot of them.

So there you are!

Here's Michael Buble with Song for You.

-He's a

-BLEEP BLEEP

-an' all!

Forget him, Mary, he'll only make you unhappy.

He has pulled some serious stunts in the past, but crucifixion?!

I'm worried sick, Kendrew.

I know, me too.

Now spread your thighs a bitty more

and lean forward over the putter.

I'm getting some serious body heat there, Kendrew.

Sorry, sorry.

Noo...am I wiggling my hips enough?

Oh, you can never wiggle your hips too much in my book.

Now, that's good, just hold that pose there. That's it.

CAMERA CLICKS

Oh, you have a seriously good arse!

What?

Did I say "arse"?

I meant...stance.

What am I like?

I'm beginning to wonder.

Can we play the bloody shot or no'?

Of course, of course.

Now then, give me a nice swivel...

-Uh-huh.

-..and...

Fore!

Oh! Trust me!

We're here to learn.

Huggies.

What's that?

Oh, that?

That's just a wee documentary I taped last night...

Inside Nature's Giants.

What do you say to critics

who argue that what you're doing is poverty porn,

the exploitation of the poor as gratuitous entertainment?

I'm poor, so that must mean I'm exploiting myself, you know,

heartless bastard that I am.

Mind you, I cannae speak for my manager.

And who is your manager?

Er, that's me, sweetheart.

James Villeneuve Aaron Cotter.

As Rab's closest disciple, I will be doing my utmost

to make sure that this doesnae degenerate into some tawdry circus.

Which is why this hand-painted,

dishwasher-friendly "JC meets Rab C" mug is nothing but the best.

Maybe an iconic gift for your boyfriend?

I, er...

I don't have a boyfriend.

Me neither!

We've got so much in common.

Rab, when the time comes, don't think you'll have died in vain.

I could get a pump out of this.

That makes it all worthwhile.

Have you any idea how damaging this could be for the city's image?

I'm helluva sorry.

I didnae mean to drag morals into public life, know?

Don't you get all high and mighty with me!

Sitting there all culturally macho because you drink pints.

I may seem like another council nerd to you, but believe you me,

I work out.

Listen.

You know what I'm after.

You're closing wur drop-in centres and we want them back.

Are you mad?

This city has to find 500 million for the Commonwealth Games!

Think about it.

2,000 Africans pitching up at the height of the Glasgow summer?

Have you got any idea what the heating bills will be like?!

Where have I got 10K a pop to throw away on public health?

Listen.

I'll come clean here.

I do not want to kill myself.

Come on, what's 10K to the council?

I will tell you what I told the press pack

at our austerity summit in Marbella.

"The Govan drop-in centre was an unfortunate victim

"of very necessary cuts in expenditure.

"We must all make sacrifices."

Savvy?

All right, all right, I'll bloody well do it, then!

I'll show yous up for the scammy bastards yous are!

As a citizen, you can say what you want, but you can't do what you want.

You attempt this blasphemy and I'll have you arrested.

There.

Swear on the sanctity of my council expenses claim form.

Your hand! Swear!

All right.

All right. I promise not to crucify myself.

Finally.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've a city to run

and a cummerbund to buy.

Cheerio.

It's therapy.

See that there?

< SNIFFING

Some people walk the line.

Others snort it up their wee pink snouts.

I'm no' going to let this bastard beat me.

You are cordially invited to a public burning!

If you liked the Twister at Alton Towers,

you will love the burning of the male witch in Govan.

Bring the family for a day of joy and laughter,

and a fat bastard getting his arse scorched...

What the hell do you think you're doing?!

I'm advertising the show!

It's no' a show!

It's a heroic action!

Now you tell me! I've got majorettes booked and everything.

I've taken the weans out of school for this.

I even sent a tweet to that Simon Cowell.

This could be a glittering showcase for their multi bastarding talents.

-Are you gonnae let them doon the way you did us?

-I will not let yous down!

Well done, Rab.

Mary would be proud of you.

Well, that's if she wasnae pumping thon other guy.

-What's his name again?

-Kendrew.

What?!

Kendrew!

DOORBELL RINGS

Mary! Quelle surprise!

Kendrew.

It's just, well, I've been having a wee think to myself

about what happened the other day.

Oh, have you? And...?

I don't really want to talk about it out here on the step.

Certainly not before the watershed.

Oh. Why not?

There may be scenes of a sexual nature.

Oh, michty me!

Come in.

Welcome to Rab of Ark, in stunning Jamesievision!

Right, well, I'd like to welcome the world's press here to Govan the day.

And I would just like to say that I have no regrets in what I'm doing.

I just, well...

I just want to leave the world a better place than I found it.

And, er, I love yous all.

Jamesie of Orleans, are you ready?

Rab of Restitution Street, say the word!

Right. Let's...

do it!

# Fire, I'll take you to burn

# Fire, I'll take you to learn

# I'll see you burn... #

I'm touching terry towelling here, you know what I'm saying?

This is an unexpected pleasure.

I'm fae Govan.

All pleasures are unexpected.

Including this one.

That... That was just a hobby.

A lot of my ladies were most happy to oblige.

They needed the extra pin money.

You rotten bastard!

You were grooming me!

Oh, no, Mary, none of these other cleaners meant anything to me.

It was nothing personal!

Oh, really? Well, neither's this, then.

Oh, Kendrew, oh...

Are you all right?

Oh, Kendrew, speak to me.

O-o-o-o-o-oh!

Don't move.

I can see your knickers.

O-o-o-o-oh...

Are you ready, Rab?

Aye, I'm ready.

Jamesie...

I'd like to say that you have been a great friend to me.

Thanks, pal.

I'd like to say it, but I cannae.

Because you've been a dirty, rancid toerag right down the line.

Let's no' split hairs, Rab.

Jumble up the words, there's a compliment in there somewhere.

Right, Jamesie, let's do it.

And whatever happens, don't stop.

I don't want to lose my nerve.

SIREN WAILS

Ah naw, there's the bizzies! Hang on.

Aaaaaaaargh!

What the hell are ye daein'?

You said don't stop. There's nae pleasing you, is there?

< Ho!

You Rab of Ark?

Oh, aye, just cos I'm standing in a bonfire?

Oh, I don't know. You set fire to your hoose a couple of times

and they never let you forget it.

Aye, Rab's a qualified arsonist.

He's got to practise somewhere.

That's yous all over! Making out we're in-breeds just cos we're fae Govan.

Very few of us are in-breeds here. Most of them are up the bingo.

Right, I want this circus broken up...

now!

On what grounds? We've every right to protest.

< On health and safety grounds!

The public must be protected.

I know your face. Are you off that Holby City?

I'm Simon Byrd, your council leader.

ALL: Boo!

At this moment, I should be working tirelessly for Glasgow

by attending the stage premiere of Priscilla Queen Of The Desert.

On my command...

..unleash hell!

Priscilla's a bike!

Give us back wur drop-in centre!

OK. Unleash hell.

Release the scratch cards!

No, no, no, forget the scratch cards...

The bastard's trying to fob us off!

No hard feelings, Biffo,

but Glasgow's a modern, thriving metropolis.

We don't want throwbacks like you sullying its image.

We can't have class martyrs on my watch.

On your way, unless you want to end up in the back of that van

gettin' a right good boot up your knickers.

All right, all right!

I'm going, I'm going.

I realise I cannae fight City Hall.

I'll say this, you're the ugliest pole dancer I've ever seen.

Here, have a pint on me.

Oh, thanks very much.

I bow to your superior authority.

Oh, helluva sorry! I'll just away and get some help.

There's nothing like a wee spot of violent slapstick

for making you feel even with life, eh?

Oh! A photo opportunity.

After "scum". And... Scum!

You know, when Mr Nesbitt told me that he planned to raise funds

to re-open the centre, I admit I had my doubts.

But then I went home, and I prayed.

And you know, I like to think that God answered my prayers.

He answered my prayers an' all.

And lo! Two wise men didst come from the East End.

Mr Nesbitt, I understand your benefactors are very busy men

who can't be with us today.

But please tell us

how this wonderful project came to touch their hearts.

Certainly, of course.

Our benefactors are actually two young thrusting businessmen

who started out with nothing but, well,

a spy hole and an Alsatian dug.

They actually heard me on the Ally Cruin show,

making a heartfelt plea for tolerance and human understanding

and not to put too fine a point on it, they were fucking moved.

An inspirational tale.

But Mr Nesbitt, what business is it your colleagues are actually in?

The clue's in the title. Just draw the curtains.

Well, it, er gives me great pleasure to declare this drop-in centre...

open!

Well, it's true what they say -

there's a little bit of good in the worst of us.

You skanky bastard!

And a little bit of bad in the best of us.

Mary!

Pumped any geriatrics lately?

All right.

Look, get yourself down thae shops

and get a loaf, a pint of milk and a pound o' mince for the night's tea.

I'm away to my work.

That's Govan for "I love you", by the way.

Business as usual?

I think so.

That being the case...

beat it!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Email [email protected]

Beat it!