Role Rab C Nesbitt

She's much nicer than Mr Conway isn't she?

Aye. Mr Conway was a fud. Be even worse now he's a headmaster.

As your new teacher, I want to get to know you.

One way to do that is to ask about role models.

Who has a good role model in their family?

-Yes, Peaches?

-My grandpa, Miss.

He talks the talk, but he can walk the walk.

-Miss, her grandpa's a nut job.

-My da says so.

Your da dumped your ma for a minger oot of Zumba class.

-Your da's a fanny.

-Enough!

It's very encouraging that your grandpa has

turned his life around, Peaches.

I'm worried about you and your drinking, Rab.

Who you talking about? I'm teetotal.

That's what I mean. You're fae Govan and no' taking a swally.

It kinda goes against nature.

Listen, boy,

being 50 and vertical is going against nature round here.

Govan is the only place I know

where you can win a new liver on a scratch card.

There we go, chaps.

A pint for Andra,

a pint for me,

and, of course, the...John Knox cocktail for yourself, Rab.

There's nothing the matter with plain tap water, boy.

-So don't you start the needle!

-That's the style, Rab.

Threaten me with violence. What a great advert for the sober life.

I love the sober life. I've never been happier, ye hear me?

H-A-P-P-bastardin'-Y!

Well, I must say it's good to see so many faces here today,

both old and new, all seeking help, y'know.

People like, er...

-Leanne.

-Aye, Leanne.

And of course, Jinty here

who's been coming to alcohol counselling for how long? 12 years, Jinty?

13.

13, is it? How old are you now, Jinty?

Rab, please! I'm a bastardin' lady!

Ah, sorry, sorry.

-Nae offence, you know?

-I'm sorry too.

To tell the truth, I had a wee drink of wine during the tea break.

I know I shouldnae have, but surely even you must get tempted, eh, Rab?

HE SPLUTTERS

So, where is he?

Oh, yer Granda'll no' be long pet, I'm sure.

-It's my own stupid fault for opening my gub.

-Naw!

Your Granda'll dae a great talk to your class,

-he'll be a great role model.

-Are ye sure, Nana?

People say he used to fall down drunk in the street.

No just the street, hen. Naw, naw.

Parks, ponds, oot ae windies...

He was very versatile.

I know, I know.

A gruesome spectacle, isn't it?

Like a bloody wildlife video, isn't it, eh?

A dirty big grizzly bear in a string vest

and an Oxfam suit

gettin' beasted into his own body weight in ice cream.

But needs must when the devil drives.

Mm!

Oh, Leanne!

I didnae see you there.

I haven't lifted my head for the past wee while, y'know?

-I've been, eh, heavily involved in the gluttony business.

-Me too.

Very warm in the counselling room tonight, wasn't it? Nice to cool off.

Oh, yes, yes. Most refreshing.

There we go, creme de menth flavour for you,

and Bailey's flavour for you.

You've been through the brandy and Cointreau flavours,

not to mention the Irish whiskey and rum and raisin.

Wee bit of a theme developing there, eh?

God...

..who am I trying to kid?

I've been desperate for a drink for months now.

-I don't think I can hold out for much longer.

-Me neither.

Every day without a drink's a nightmare.

I know! See drink? It's better than having sex, innit?

Well, better than sex with me, obviously.

The touch, the taste,

the shudder!

Maybe we could just have the wuh...the wuh...

Maybe we could just have the wuh... No, I can't say it!

-Go on, say it.

-I cannae!

All right then, I'll say it. Just the one.

HE GASPS

# I'm LEANNE-ding

# On the lamppost at the corner of the street. #

Ha-ha! That's terrible!

Comedy gold!

THEY CACKLE

Sorry, could I ask you to keep the noise down a wee bit, please?

Ah, certainly, nae bother!

Nae bother. Shoosh, shoosh!

So, tell me, Rab,

have you always been morbidly obese?

Oh, no, no, no. No, not at all.

I've ac... I've actually been quite happily obese.

You know, my wee granddaughter actually takes...

takes after me in that respect.

-Really? What's her name?

-Her name? Her name is Peaches.

Peaches Nesbitt.

Oh, my God. Angelic face, potty mouth?

That's the very one!

The very one. Why do you ask?

I'm her teacher.

Ah, her teacher? Oh...

Oh, my God!

What have I done? I'm ruined, I'm finished!

-I may have to kill myself!

-Aye...yeah...

Ye might, ye might...

Ah, come on, let's have another drink!

I need to think of my career.

This episode has been a tragic error-rr of judgement.

Make that two tragic errors of judgement.

Ah, Lea-a-anne!

What you looking at?

HE GROWLS

I too...I too have seen the error of my ways. I have!

Oh, bugger it. I'm pished anyway, y'know?

Cheers!

Eejit! What did the doctor tell you about drink?

-No' to drink it.

-And what have you gone and done?

Drank it.

C'mon, Mary, it was just...it was just a wee bit of ice cream

-so's I could get a jag from the bottom of the tub, no?

-The tub?

There's hunners of them!

-Mary-y-y!

-Aw, this is it, eh?

This is it! Back to the bad old days!

Aw, c'mon, Mary.

It's nothing like the bad old days. I mean, I have matured.

I mean, the door's still on its hinges, you know?

And tonight of all nights, when you knew that wee Peaches was waiting

to talk to you about you being a role model!

I know. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Oh, God knows what that teacher's going to make, eh?

Oh, here, Mr Teetotal Grandpa, oot getting blootered to the nines!

I wouldnae actually worry too much about her teacher.

How no'?

Well, she was oot getting blootered with me.

-She's an alkie too.

-In the name of God!

I know! It's a delightful coincidence, isn't it?

She's actually part of my counselling group.

Well, I thought I'd heard it all round here,

when the Early Learning Centre

opened a needle exchange section, but this?!

We'd better no' tell Peaches, you know?

Ah, wait a minute!

Wait a minute. What were you doing oot with that woman?

You're no' at the creepin' games again, are you?

Aw, c'mon, Mary, Mary, Mary!

You know you're the only woman for me, you know that.

C'mon and I'll prove it to you.

C'mon, wheech your kit off

and we'll have a wee game of spoons.

Or seein' as how we're fat bastards, ladles!

Get off me! Just make do with a cup of tea.

I let myself down, Jamesie.

I went oot and I got blootered.

Of course you got blootered. You're an alkie.

It's the job description.

I cannae go back on the swally again.

-If I do that, I'll lose my liver.

-Ach, a flesh wound!

There's always the intravenous drip.

Then I'll lose my wife and maybe my grand wean.

That's women for you, always trying to drag us up to their level.

Aw, good, it's gone! That means Ella's bought it for my birthday!

What is it?

Take it from me, Rab. We're getting older.

Deny yourself nothing.

Honest to God, it's ages since we've all been out together, isn't it?

Gie's a break!

I took you to your Maw's funeral last year.

She meant all of us, Jamesie. Cheers.

-Cheers.

-Here, Rab,

you don't mind us having a drink, do you?

It's not going to make you all tense or nothing, is it?

-Look at that hair.

-Rab, don't start!

I knew he'd have a go at me, and it's my birthday as well.

What does he expect? He turns up with a dead crow on his napper

and I'm not supposed to mention it?

You've done nothing but mention it all night.

Rab, what did I tell you before we left the house tonight, eh?

-Right, you are on your last warning.

-All right, all right.

Just admit one thing, you dyed it, didn't you?

I did not dye it! I swear to God.

May my mother rot in hell if I...

-What colour?

-Midnight Raven.

-There, you satisfied?

-Midnight bastardin' raven!

He's spoiling my birthday, Ella! I said he would and he's doin' it.

It's male groomin', Rab. There's nothing the matter with that.

Male groomin'?

Listen, I go out every morning for a loaf,

a pint of milk and a sunflower facial scrub.

What I do not do is stick my napper

in a bucket of matt emulsion and come up with a heid lookin' like

something out the changing of the bloody guard!

Back off! It was a birthday present. And I bought it for him.

Well, that was a good call. That'd be a pound well spent.

Double that, if you must know! If you include the pony tail.

Excuse me. Is everybody OK for refreshments?

Yes, I'd like another large jelly trifle, please.

With sherry, and a paper umbrella, and hunners and thousands.

You had jelly for your main course, and jelly for your pudding. You're not getting any more jelly!

I want jelly. It's my birthday, right?

-Geez jelly, you!

-Don't give me a showing up.

Here, have some bloody jelly!

YELLING

Sit down on your arse, will ye?

This is supposed to be a friends' night out. Don't you spoil it.

It's all right for you.

I wear my life like a hair shirt

and it's beginning to drive me bloody mad!

Look, don't you take this oot on me because you cannae get a drink.

That's why I try to gie up the drink, to please you.

But what's the bloody point?

Aw, well you just sit there

and pick the lice out of your armpits then, eh?

I'll be in the lavvy with Ella. You coming?

Yer on.

-What you looking at?

-Oh, calm doon.

You want God. I want jelly.

It's the same thing, only with different names.

When did my life turn into a jail sentence, Jamesie?

The minute you gied up the swally.

That's when the long fuse that led to this moment was first lit.

God, I miss it. God, I miss it!

-I loved our nights out on the ran dan.

-D'you mean that?

You're right, Jamesie.

The clock of life is ticking fast and you've got to grab pleasure.

You've got to grab it with baith hauns.

Rab, sweetheart!

You don't know how long I've waited

for you to say those words.

I know that, I know.

That's it, just the bill, just the bill.

See when I walk in that pub?

My whole life's going to change, Jamesie.

I'm going to be playing Russian roulette with my liver again!

Wait a minute, what the hell's happened?

-Where are they?

-Calm doon, Mary. There might be an innocent explanation.

Your husbands said something about "going out on the ran dan

"to...gie it...laldy?"

Innocent, my arse!

I cannot let you walk into that pub.

-What d'you mean, what d'you mean?

-Hold me, Rab.

Aw!

Aw, it's so long since

we've held each other up this way!

Do you think I'd want to throw away this moment of exquisite rapture

by pamping you back into the wet brain unit?

What you talking about?

I thought we was going oot on the ran dan.

Rab, in this hi-tech age,

the ran dan takes many forms.

It's like I said, Rab,

deny yourself nothing!

So, where is he this time?

Well, he...He had to dash away. Oh, he had an urgent appointment.

-Where?

-Er, well...

He's very big in the jelly fight industry,

I'm sure it was something to do with that.

The school talk's the morra. He's supposed to be her role model.

My mammy's right, Grandpa promised me.

I know, I know, hen. I'm really sorry.

Well, that's that, in't it? Goodbye childhood, hello self harm.

And I was hoping to put that off until she fell pregnant, too.

-I'm only 11.

-Have you never heard of forward planning?

MUSIC: Sutherland's Law Theme

-Remember this, boys?

-The theme from Sutherland's Law.

# Da da-run da da-de da... #

Aye, very nice.

But I must say, this isnae what I imagined.

Are you sure this is a crack den?

Oh, it's a crack den all right, no danger.

But for the over 50s.

It's just that when you get to our age you want a wee bit of comfort

with your crack, don't you?

What you're actually saying is this is a crack den

-for the Saga generation.

-That's well put, Rab.

You can play dominoes, Scrabble, or have a nice wee go

at the crossword while you wait to chase the dragon.

But is that no' a bit...

-shite?

-Crack's just a wee dod of our cultured baby-boom lifestyle.

Tell him, Breen.

The great thing is, unlike other crack dens,

there's none of that bloody Fiddy Cent or Diddy Rascal nonsense here,

just a lovely wee background of the Scottish Philharmonic

to aid chillosity.

-Has he got mental health issues?

-Oops!

Dodie, these have turned out lovely, if I do say so myself.

The pastry's rare and buttery.

Mmm!

Andra?

In the name! What the hell are you dressed like that for?

All right, I admit it, I've got a secret life.

By night I walk the twilight world of Govan...

At least I do on Tuesdays, when Babette's at bingo.

Want a sausage roll?

Where did ye get them, the Atlantis branch of Greggs?

Aye, rip the piss. But we'll see how big youse are once you've tried

the games room.

The games... What the hell's the games room?

HE SNIGGERS

# Tra-la! #

What the hell is that?

What d'ye think?

Let's...rock!

Oh, he's turned his phone off.

-What's he doing?

-How can I break this to you gently?

Wait...I cannae.

Rearrange these words into a well-known phrase or saying -

-pish, own, Grandpa, lying, his, in.

-Grandpa's lying in his own pish?

See? Learning can be fun, can't it? Right, one last try.

PHONE RINGS

-PHONE:

-'You have one message. Message one...'

-MARY:

-'Where the hell are you?

'You get your bloody act together and get your arse back up to this hoose!'

Rab?

-Jamesie?

-Rab?

Jamesie?

Where are you, Jamesie?

I'm in here.

In...in where?

In the games room.

The games...

Oh, oh...

HE GASPS

In the name!

Rab, I found these clothes in the wardrobe.

Dodie keeps them there as a sacred shrine to the memory of his wife.

Naturally, I went through the handbags looking for spare change.

And that's when the drugs started doing strange things to me.

I put these on...

..and I thought of you.

Me?

No, no, no, no, no...

..ye can cut that malarkey out right now.

No. No.

Although, I must say...

that is a very nice perfume you're wearing.

What is it?

Air Wick - Peach & Jasmine.

I let one go early on,

but that was in another life.

I'm different noo.

Aah!

And, em, that's...actually a nice dress you're wearing.

I'm glad you like it.

D'you know the nicest thing about it?

It comes aff.

Aw, no, no, no...

No, no, no...

No, no.

Oh! Oops!

Try and understand,

alcoholism is an illness.

Aye, an illness that afflicts useless lazy bastards.

-Funny how it always seems to find them, in't it?

-Don't worry, Nana,

-it's no' your fault.

-Thanks, pet.

-All the same, you're two rungs down on the love ladder now,

-and it'll be a long climb back up again.

-Right, come on, you.

HE YAWNS

Rab?

Aye?

Are you awake?

Aye.

See if I was to say,

"How was it for you?"

How would you answer?

I'd say, "I hope it was non-existent for me."

Aye, me tae.

What did we dae?

I don't know, Jamesie, I don't know.

How you feeling?

Have you got any...

itching or tenderness or anything?

Naw, I'm fine.

Well, that's a relief.

Ach, we're probably just being paranoid because, let's face it,

we were that oot our skulls on crack, I mean,

we weren't fit to do anything, you know?

-Aye, exactly.

-There ye are.

-Right enough.

-Rab?

-What?

Can I have my knickers back?

Certainly.

So, er, how do you think the game'll go the night?

Three-point cushion at the top, you know,

I'd settle for a draw right now.

I think you're right.

-Jamesie?

-What?

-This never happened, right?

-Right, Rab.

HE CRIES

SHE YAWNS

-RAB:

-'Aw, Mary, I didnae mean to ruin your mother's funeral.'

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

'C'mon, Mary, it's nothing like the bad old days.

'I mean, I have matured.'

Sod it!

See? I knew your grandpa wouldnae turn up.

Ma da says he's a mentalist.

Your da's a rent boy. Ma da would spank his wee pink arse for him.

Hullo.

-Grandpa!

-HE CHUCKLES

-I'm here for the role model talk.

-I'm sorry, Rab,

but there's been a change of plan.

Oh, aye? What d'you mean?

I'm Gordon Conway, the headmaster. And you are?

Eh, Rab Nesbitt, statistic and role model.

-Go on yoursel', Grandpa.

-Nae bother, sweetheart.

-Weans, eh?

-Exactly.

And "weans" have to be protected, Mr Nesbitt.

-What d'you mean?

-He means me.

I misled the school over my disclosure certificate.

I didn't own up that I had, you know, issues.

-Ah, you mean the fact that you're a piss head?

-Quite.

Ach, don't worry about that.

Half the teachers in my school were piss heads, honestly.

You'd open a cupboard door and the whang of Polo mints

would hit you like a right hook to the tonsils.

Times have changed, thankfully.

And I can't stand by while a teacher of mine

not only conceals her own addictions but invites a practising alcoholic

to dish out pints of his so-called wisdom to innocent children.

THEY need to be protected.

Protected? Protected fae what?

I mean, d'you think I'm here to say "Hi, kids, I am a bumscuffer?

"I've ruined my life, I've got four brain cells

"and mould growing doon the front of ma troosers.

"I'm here as a cautionary tale."

I'm sorry, but my mind is made up.

Ach, your mind was made up when ye slurped oot the womb,

ya hideous Hush-Puppied geek that ye are.

-What subject do you do?

-Geography.

Listen, kids, here's the deal, let's put this to the vote, right?

What would you rather have -

a wee pep talk from a skanky bawbag like me, or geography?

-ALL:

-Pep talk from a skanky bawbag.

Quiet!

Mr Nesbitt, I'm asking you to leave or I'll call the police.

Miss Carruth, collect your things.

-Wait a minute, is he giving you your jotters?

-'Fraid so.

Well, it's your call.

But if it was me, I'd want to mark the occasion, you know?

I wouldnae want my time in Govan to count for nothing,

know what I'm saying?

You may well have a point.

Mr Conway?

Yes?

CHEERING

Switch those cameras off. Switch them off!

Well, I must say, that was a bloody good effort.

Here, have a wee Glasgow kiss.

Aw, Mary...

what's in the suitcase?

-Our marriage!

-Aw, Mary, don't be like that.

I've changed my ways.

Look, wait till you see, I've brought you a present.

-What the hell is that?

-Aw, super, you've got the free gift.

-Excuse me, are you Mrs Nesbitt?

-Yes.

I just want to say you're a very lucky woman.

I hope you're listening to that. She actually said...

I heard what she said.

Right, you, get your arse up that road.

This is gonnae cost me.

Mmm!

Relax, relax, it's ice cream.

SLURPS

Raspberry Ripple, if you must know.

Rab...

Oh, Ra-ab!

Ah, yes, my little Angel Delight?

There's always a price to pay for keeping the peace, you know?

What the hell are you doing? Leave some of that.

You're supposed to be licking that off of me,

no' whapping it doon your larynx. Now come on, get funky.

I've got my bloody work in the morning.

There you are, you heard.

Want to stick around for the money shot? Hm?

No, I don't blame you.

In that case...

beat it!

Beat it!