Episode 1 Rev.


Episode 1

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Transcript


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'It's so wonderful to have some time in this sanctuary.

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'This place of silence. To leave the clamour and the chaos behind

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'and be available to something greater than myself.

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'To you, dear Lord.'

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'I wonder what's for lunch today.

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'Hope it isn't that strange cauliflower cheese again.

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'No, come on, holy thoughts.

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'Everlasting God, in whom we live and move and have our being,

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'you have made us for yourself and our hearts are restless

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'until we rest in you.'

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'These shoes are very squeaky.'

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'I love the fact that this is a silent order

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'and I don't have to talk to her.'

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'Look at this beautiful place.'

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'I feel more at peace here than I have for years.'

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Retreat!

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Dear boy, I've just arrived. I'm staying in the kennel next door.

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What's your place like? Mine's got death camp chic.

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I normally go to that chateau in Provence, but word's out.

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It's fully booked this year. Bastards.

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What DVDs have you got? I've got Dermot's

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A History Of Christianity or The Killing. What about you?

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HE MOUTHS

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-Are you all right?

-Are we allowed to talk now?

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Yes, it's a lesser silence before six o'clock, not a greater one.

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Oh, I thought it was the greater one now.

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No, I don't really watch telly when I'm here.

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-What have you brought to eat?

-A couple of KitKats.

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OK, I have got some Assam tea, cheese -

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two hard, one soft, one goat -

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pickles, chutneys, potted goose meat, Iberico ham and a gooseberry roulade.

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It sounds like a hamper.

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It IS a hamper. We shouldn't be doing this here, though, should we?

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We should be out there in the community making a mark.

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Spreading the word. Telly, radio, Twitter, the lot.

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Yes, yes.

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The church just doesn't get front foot enough. Too much praying.

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Not enough action. Oh, Wallander. What have you brought to drink?

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I've got a couple of Rieslings and a Pic St Loup.

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Vodka and tonic.

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Gin and tonic.

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We may just survive this.

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Excuse me.

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Look out, mate.

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Oh, sorry!

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I'm so sorry. Are you OK? My fault.

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If you rush, you'll get it. Well done.

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Paedo!

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Oh, Adam!

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Hello, Adoha, are you OK?

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-That little bastard snatched my bag from me.

-Oh, I see.

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-Thank you so much. You are so brave.

-No, I'm not.

-Yes, you are.

-No.

-Yes.

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It was an accident.

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I saw it happen. You grabbed him and you wrestled him to the ground.

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No. I'm just rushing to the school.

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-Yes, you did. Do you think I'm OK?

-I...I think so.

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Well, er... Have a look at me, darling.

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-Yes. No, I'm looking. I...I think you look very OK.

-Oh, my hero!

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The problem is, they've got nothing to do, these kids.

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-There's nothing to inspire them.

-My kids?

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No, not your kids. Yes, your kids.

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When they're in school, it's fine, of course, their time's full.

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But outside school, what do they do? Just this.

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Or they go bag-snatching off old ladies.

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-I'm going to do a trip to the country.

-Is this what you came up with on holiday?

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I wasn't on holiday. It was a retreat.

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One of your kids from the Moorfield Estate

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told me that he'd never been outside London in his life. Isn't that terrible?

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Yes.

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-Some of these kids have never seen cows.

-They've seen a cow, Adam.

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Some of them haven't.

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There was a survey that said that inner city kids thought that eggs

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came from cows.

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They've got no idea what cheese is or where their food comes from.

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We'll do a trip to the seaside.

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Are there cows there?

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There will be cows on the way.

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We'll do a trip to the White Cliffs of Dover.

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Oh, suicidal cows.

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It's a natural wonder. It'll give them a sense of British history.

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They might even see France.

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Come on, this is what I'm here for. Let's do it.

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-Are you trying to whisk me off to the seaside?

-What?

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You know, get me on the back seat?

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No. No, no. No. No.

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We'll take your 15 most difficult but deserving children.

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I don't think you have any idea what you're taking on.

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I've got an 11-year-old who was just done for twocking on Saturday.

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And I suspect you don't know what that is?

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Of course I know what twocking is.

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Alex, have you seen my dog collar?

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Alex.

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Thank you very much(!)

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I can't find any dog collars.

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Be really great if you did come on this trip, because I need

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another adult to make up the numbers, and you've already been CRB-checked.

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Oh, you charmer.

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And it would be a nice way for us

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to spend a day by the seaside.

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No, it would A way for us

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to be by the seaside. Not a nice way.

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-Is that ketchup?

-Anyway, I can't take a day off work.

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Er, well you don't need to. It's on Saturday the third.

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Not content with having a holiday - sorry, being on retreat -

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you've now decided you'd like to spend the one day a week we do have together

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in a shit bit of Kent with 15 of other people's children.

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-Do you know the last time I had a weekend with you?

-Erm...

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No, neither do I. Now, why is that? Oh, yes, that's right -

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it's NEVER happened.

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I'm sorry. What's the matter?

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What's the matter? I'm fed up with never seeing you.

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Listen, Alex...

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I'm sick of your congregants saying, "It's a shame Alex

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"couldn't come," like they've got a Master's in passive aggression,

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just because I was busy.

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I'm fed up with coming home from work only to make yet another

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mushroom stroganoff for some sodding church meeting of pedantic bores

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who want to sit around for four hours in my home discussing

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-how to put in a fire exit or whatever.

-Well...

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I want to have a child, because I don't just want to be

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a solicitor my whole life. But you don't shag me enough.

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No, now that's not... Is that...? That's not true.

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Yes. This house is permanently full of people

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making unceasing demands on your time,

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because they've got nothing else in their lives except a need

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to organise the latest church event. Some wank fete I've got to make

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sponge fingers for, because your whole world is obsessed

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with correlating excruciating social events with religious devotion.

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SHE LAUGHS

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Have you seen the other glove?

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I'm not good at making sponge fingers, Adam.

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I don't find it fulfilling.

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Yes, I'll come on your cocking trip to Kentish hell.

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Because at least that way,

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I get to spend a few hours with my gorgeous husband. Lucky me.

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Come on, this is easy. We hire a mini bus,

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chuck the kids in, off we go.

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Chuck the kids in, fasten their seatbelts, off we go.

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-Is this because you're a hero now?

-What?

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Accosting London's bag thieves. I must say,

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-I didn't think you had it in you.

-What's this?

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Defending your parishioners. Apprehending feral scum -

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-you're the Big Society in action.

-This is ridiculous.

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This isn't what happened. This is nonsense.

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HE LAUGHS

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No, I want to talk about this trip to Dover.

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On come the red underpants.

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Is this something you came up with on your holiday?

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It wasn't a holiday, it was a retreat. They'll see the seaside,

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the White Cliffs, the Channel, this is gospel work. It's incarnational.

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They'll go shop-lifting and they will take drugs.

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No, they won't.

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What's twocking? Do you know what that is?

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Oh, it's something unpleasant and sexual to do with bacon, isn't it?

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They won't be allowed to do that on the trip.

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There's a huge number of child protection and health and safety

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considerations with this idea. Otherwise the children

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will get lost, have sex or get allergic reactions.

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Well, what considerations? Let's go through them.

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Well, for a start, the diocese will require that a child advocate

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is appointed. Someone the children can talk to should any issues

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arise involving someone connected to the church.

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Oh, I see. Yes, because as a vicar, I'm likely to take them

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all the way down to Dover just so I can stick my hands down their pants.

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Well, if you do, the children will need a respected,

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appointed member of society to talk to about it afterwards.

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OK, great. Well, let's appoint one.

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As long as they're not too annoying.

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Adam, my hero. Look.

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-Now everybody will know what a hero you are.

-I wasn't.

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I did what anyone would have done.

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So modest. That's why I've put you up for the Pride of Britain Awards.

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-What? Have you?

-A vicar has never won it before.

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It's inspiring, isn't it?

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Come Christmas, there'll be little Adam action vicar dolls.

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Can I be involved with your trip... please?

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I love the seaside, me. Maybe if I'd seen the seaside

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when I was kid, my life wouldn't have been so shite.

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Um, OK. Well, let me... let me think about how.

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It would be really good for my CV.

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Have you thought how I can be involved yet?

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Oh, sorry. Just thinking how sad it is that our culture's become

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so obsessed with its fears that organising a kids trip is now

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a health and safety nightmare.

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Except if it was a Catholic trip to the seaside.

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It would be right to be scared, cos after lunch, all the kids

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would be getting the brown glove treatment in the sand dunes

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from the pervy priests.

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Can I be a driver of the minibus?

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-Have you got a driving licence?

-Yeah, I've got HGV.

-Have you?

-Yeah.

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Three years I drove haulage round Europe. Massive truck.

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Real fanny magnet. As long as the kind of fanny you like

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hangs about at an Italian service station at 3am with a massive Adam's apple.

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OK, well, if you've got a clean licence...

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I'll think about it.

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Oh, great! Magic! I just want to give something back,

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even though I never got anything.

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Who's looking forward to our trip to Dover? Hands up.

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Hands up, who's never been to the seaside before?

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Hands up who's seen a cow?

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Well, you can see some more on Saturday and see if they lay eggs.

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We're going to see the White Cliffs.

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They have an incredible history.

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They're a natural wonder. Yes, Courtney?

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-Can we go shopping there?

-No, it's a cliff.

-Is it outdoors?

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Er, yes. It's outdoors.

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I hate outdoors. Unless it's inside like at Bluewater.

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Yeah, and cows stink. Is it going to stink on this trip?

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No, it won't. It'll be great. A day without your TV and games,

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with some military history thrown in, if you're very lucky.

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Well, I'm looking forward to it.

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Now, a lady called Adoha is going to talk to you.

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-I ain't going on this stupid trip. You can't make me.

-Chloe!

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Hello, children. My name is Adoha.

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-Er, yes?

-Are you a man?

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I gather you want to show some children a cow?

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-It's a trip to the White Cliffs of Dover.

-They'll have seen cows, Adam.

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Some of Ellie's kids live five to a bedroom.

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They have two unemployed parents.

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Oh, is this because you're a hero now? Pulling on tight spandex at night,

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slipping out through the bedroom window and accosting

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rough men in dark alleyways. They're not going to come to church

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afterwards, you know, and you'll have to CRB-check every adult involved.

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I know, I'm doing that.

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-And I'll have to go through the CRB checks with Graham.

-Graham?

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He's the diocesan Safeguarding and Management Risk Assessment Panel Group Officer.

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He's a quite stunningly dull man.

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Makes Nigel look like Bear Grylls.

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Nigel! Bear Grylls.

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-Who's going on this trip?

-Er, me and Alex.

-Alex!

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-Nigel.

-Nigel.

-Ellie.

-Ellie.

-Adoha.

-Adoha.

-And maybe Colin.

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Well, I'm sure Graham will turn him down. He always does

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if there's even the slightest whiff of anything improper.

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All a criminal record check proves is that somebody hasn't been caught,

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that's all. I'd rather trust my instincts over some police report

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compiled by a pencil-pusher whose job it is to always say no.

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Well, thank goodness. Society can relax. We've got Adam's instincts to rely upon.

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How wonderful! Perhaps we should send you out to every school and hospital

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to tell us who you trust. I think I'm going to let you out here,

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because I'm finding you incredibly annoying.

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-Is it safe here?

-Trust your instincts.

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I ain't babysitting him again.

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He's only seven, he's already a sex pest.

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Oh... You're that hero. You're the hero. Shelley, there's a hero here.

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Oh, thanks. No. Not really.

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Yeah, you are. If all vicars were like you, I'd come to church.

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We need people like you beating up the scum. Will you sign my paper?

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Have you got a pen?

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My mum is going to be so jealous that I saw the Kung Fu Vicar.

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Here, go on, have a free lolly.

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-For being a have-a-go-hero.

-Thanks, Lisa.

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See you tomorrow.

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I'm just off to go and close down a criminal gang's hide-out.

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Oh, good luck!

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Go in peace to love and serve the Lord.

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In the name of Christ, amen.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make.

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Adam, darling, can you come back this way, please? Come on, darling.

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You have always been a hero to me. I am proud to say

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soon everyone will know that you are the bravest vicar in the world.

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My nephew's internet campaign has worked. I am delighted

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to announce you have been shortlisted for the Pride of Britain Awards.

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We can all watch you live on TV.

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-Congratulations.

-Thank you.

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For your heroic action in bringing criminals to justice.

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Congratulations, darling.

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Wow! Have you seen these Pride of Britain nominations?

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People do some amazing things, don't they? A partially sighted salesman

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saved an infant from a burning car wreck

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and has now adopted the orphaned boy. He's in your category.

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Let me see.

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-There's going to be lots of important people there.

-Are there?

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Richard Curtis, of course.

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Sam Cam, Andrew Strauss. Oh, Carol Vorderman's hosting.

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A girl with meningitis confronted a burglar despite having no arms.

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I'm really looking forward to it. A night out with my hero husband.

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-I can't go to this, I don't deserve it.

-You do.

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No, not compared to these people. You've got to understand,

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this incident has been blown out of all proportion.

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What about all the things you do that go unnoticed?

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Think of this as a prize for all that as well.

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This has made me realise I don't support you enough sometimes.

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-No, you do.

-I don't. And I've been meaning to say, I'm sorry.

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When I was ranting about your job this week.

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-It's all right.

-I was in a bad mood.

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But I'm really proud of you, darling. Not just for this award but for everything you do.

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I'm even looking forward to your trip to Dover.

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Assuming I can get 45 parental consent, health and safety

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and day of departure forms signed.

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And I've got to tell the one person who wants to come that he can't.

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Colin's CRB report's in. 39 entries. Including convictions

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for sexual harassment, obscene phone calls and attempted kidnap

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on just one weekend.

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So now you're my hero, you're more physically appealing to me than ever before.

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You've got to understand, I didn't do anything. That's what I'm trying to say.

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Why don't you come and not do anything to me over here?

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But I really didn't. I...

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Oh, shut up. Take your pants off.

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-Ow!

-Sorry.

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Sexual harassment, obscene phone calls and attempted kidnap.

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I was in love, Adam. What can I say? She drove me bit nuts.

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You know what women are like. But anyway, that doesn't matter for this trip,

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because it weren't an offence with a child. Mandy was in her 50s.

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Well, we have to take into account everything you've done, Colin, not...

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Are you saying I can't come to the seaside?

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I'm sorry, but the Diocesan Child Protection Officer won't approve it.

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I'm a different person now.

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I know that. I'd take you if I could, but I can't.

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I was looking forward to it. You promised. What about forgiveness

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and second chances? You're always talking about them,

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but, actually, there isn't any forgiveness, is there? That's the message here.

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People think you're some hero.

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Well, you're no hero to me. You're a wank stain.

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-Oh, is that Captain Underpants?

-Gosh, it's hot!

0:19:350:19:39

It is. The Pride of Britain hero no less. Welcome to my club.

0:19:390:19:43

Come and perch by me. I want to talk to you in private.

0:19:430:19:47

I've only got an hour for treatments today.

0:19:470:19:50

-Seems like a nice place.

-Very friendly people.

0:19:500:19:52

I thought I might get a renewing herbal rub-down.

0:19:520:19:55

Well, if you, I'd recommend Claudio.

0:19:550:19:57

If you ask him to, he can go very firm and deep.

0:19:570:19:59

Maybe you'll get a hero's discount.

0:19:590:20:02

Oh, hello, Roland!

0:20:020:20:05

Oh, I'm so glad you took my advice about getting out in the media more.

0:20:050:20:10

Now, I've been talking to the award organisers

0:20:100:20:12

and I suspect you may in fact be winning in your category tomorrow.

0:20:120:20:16

Oh, right.

0:20:160:20:18

So I don't want you to go messing it up. The media time alone

0:20:180:20:21

is worth 430 grand, plus the incalculable benefit of the public

0:20:210:20:26

-perceiving vicars to be heroes.

-The problem is I didn't actually do anything.

0:20:260:20:29

No doubt, but this is a great platform for the church.

0:20:290:20:33

I'll be there personally to guide you through the interviews.

0:20:330:20:36

-Right.

-You'll feel my firm hand right behind you. Have you got an outfit?

0:20:360:20:41

A decent suit. I've never seen you in one.

0:20:410:20:43

Er, I'll get one.

0:20:430:20:44

In your acceptance speech, don't forget to thank everybody,

0:20:440:20:47

especially God and the little lady at home.

0:20:470:20:50

And, Roland, what are we going to do about his hair?

0:20:500:20:52

It's my hair. It's fine.

0:20:520:20:55

Mm... No, it's not. I'll see you at the Grosvenor.

0:20:550:20:59

I need to get going now. I've got tickets to watch David Hare

0:20:590:21:03

read some of his emails at the National.

0:21:030:21:05

Do you want to borrow my loofah?

0:21:080:21:10

Er, no, thanks.

0:21:100:21:11

Thank you so much. Thank you, Carol. Thank you, Britain.

0:21:110:21:15

When I...when I look at the other nominees, in many ways,

0:21:150:21:18

I don't feel that deserving.

0:21:180:21:21

Erm...

0:21:210:21:23

'I can't do this. This is wrong. Why have you engineered this, Lord?

0:21:230:21:30

'I didn't do anything. You know it, I know it...

0:21:300:21:34

'..well, just you and I know it.

0:21:350:21:38

'But it has been quite nice.

0:21:380:21:40

'People respect me more, and it's been wonderful with Alex.

0:21:410:21:46

'She's been a bit down recently, but she's really enjoying being my wife since the nomination.

0:21:460:21:52

'National television, millions of viewers.

0:21:530:21:57

'I'm a hero vicar. Maybe I better just accept this award,

0:21:580:22:03

'is that what you want? Yes? Seems to be what everyone wants.

0:22:030:22:08

'Yes.'

0:22:080:22:09

Adam. Adam.

0:22:090:22:11

-Adam, the Bishop. The Bishop.

-What's the matter?

0:22:110:22:14

The Bishop of London's here.

0:22:140:22:16

-Oh, hello. I'm looking for the Reverend Adam Smallbone.

-That's him.

0:22:290:22:33

-That's me.

-Oh, I'm so glad. I'm happy to meet you.

0:22:330:22:36

I was just passing and I thought I'd pop in and have a look

0:22:380:22:41

at the cradle of heroism. Meet the man of courage inside.

0:22:410:22:43

Can I just say, on behalf of all of us,

0:22:430:22:47

that I think you are doing a wonderful job at the moment.

0:22:470:22:50

Thank you. And I...

0:22:500:22:52

I've read all of your books about how to pray

0:22:520:22:53

and even the one about how to pass your GCSE Religious Studies.

0:22:530:22:56

Thank you. I couldn't possible have a cup of tea? Would you mind?

0:22:560:22:58

Oh, yes. Yes. Yes.

0:22:580:23:01

Shall we?

0:23:060:23:07

I hope you don't feel imposed upon.

0:23:080:23:11

It's so lovely to have a positive story come across my desk.

0:23:110:23:14

And I hear you run a wonderful church, when you're not making headlines.

0:23:140:23:18

Well, no, yes, I try.

0:23:180:23:20

It's so inspiring. You took this mugger on?

0:23:200:23:23

It's just so physically courageous. Incredible, really.

0:23:230:23:27

-I actually don't deserve any of this.

-Really?

0:23:270:23:30

Tell me what happened.

0:23:320:23:35

Well, er, I was out on the street,

0:23:350:23:39

and this thief snatched this lady's bag and ran off with it.

0:23:390:23:42

-Ah-ha.

-And collided with me. Ran into me, really.

0:23:420:23:48

I see, and that's when you fought him?

0:23:480:23:50

Well, no, no. We-we-we both fell down.

0:23:500:23:53

And then you used your fighting skills?

0:23:530:23:56

Not really.

0:23:560:23:58

And then what happened?

0:24:040:24:06

And then I helped him onto a bus.

0:24:060:24:08

So you see it's all a mistake,

0:24:110:24:12

because nothing really happened... at all.

0:24:120:24:16

It's a lie.

0:24:170:24:19

And now I'm about to be given an award for heroism.

0:24:210:24:23

I see. You've got yourself into a bit of a pickle, haven't you?

0:24:230:24:28

The reality is I can barely run a school trip to the seaside,

0:24:280:24:31

cos the admin defeats me.

0:24:310:24:33

I'm going to have to decline the award, aren't I?

0:24:360:24:39

Or should I accept it? Because it has done quite a lot of good in some ways.

0:24:400:24:45

People want to believe in a good vicar, don't they?

0:24:450:24:48

Yes.

0:24:500:24:52

You're absolutely right, I can't accept it.

0:24:520:24:54

No, I'll go to the awards dinner and decline it.

0:24:540:24:58

Set the record straight.

0:24:580:25:00

But if you're going to decline it, wouldn't you want to decline it beforehand?

0:25:000:25:03

OK, yes. I'll...I'll do that.

0:25:050:25:07

It's just that I did promise my wife a night out

0:25:120:25:15

and that I'd get Carol Vorderman's autograph for Nigel.

0:25:150:25:19

Maybe I could just go to the pre-drinks reception with Alex,

0:25:190:25:22

because she does deserve... No, that's...

0:25:220:25:25

People are going to be so disappointed.

0:25:270:25:29

Yes. You're going to have to tell the truth.

0:25:290:25:33

And that's where your courage will really be shown.

0:25:340:25:38

Gloriam praecedit humilitas.

0:25:410:25:44

Yes.

0:25:440:25:46

Glory before humility.

0:25:470:25:49

Well...before glory goes humility.

0:25:490:25:53

Oh, yes, that's right.

0:25:530:25:55

Yes, that's what I think.

0:25:580:25:59

-Good luck with your school trip.

-Yes. Thanks.

0:26:090:26:13

Where is he?

0:26:300:26:31

Has he gone?

0:26:330:26:34

Oh, buggeration!

0:26:340:26:37

Adam, I am so angry with you.

0:26:460:26:50

I had the whole family gathered round the telly.

0:26:500:26:53

The one time I could have worn a dress and had a night out.

0:26:530:26:55

Oh, come on. Forget about the stupid awards.

0:26:550:26:57

We're taking away these kids for a day trip. It's far more important.

0:26:570:27:00

Oh, sorry I'm late, Adam. Have you got all 45 of the parental consent forms?

0:27:000:27:02

Nigel, what have you done to your arm?

0:27:020:27:04

I fell over pulling my socks on. It sounds stupid, I know,

0:27:050:27:09

but actually three people a year die this way. Eight people lose an eye opening champagne.

0:27:090:27:13

-Where are these kids, anyway?

-I hate to say it, Adam. I think they're going to be a no show.

0:27:130:27:16

No, look. Here's a couple.

0:27:160:27:18

Chloe, Courtney, you came!

0:27:200:27:22

-Nothing better to do.

-Great. That's the spirit. Anyone else coming?

0:27:220:27:26

Dunno.

0:27:260:27:28

OK, well, two of you is better than none. Educate one life,

0:27:280:27:31

you educate the world in time.

0:27:310:27:33

GIRLS LAUGH

0:27:330:27:34

-Hang on, hang on. Got any space?

-Colin.

0:27:340:27:37

-Get on, Colin. Come as one of the kids.

-Magic. Got tinnies for everyone.

0:27:380:27:42

Do not try to set fire to me, you little tike.

0:27:460:27:48

COLIN LAUGHS

0:27:480:27:50

These kids are awful, aren't they?

0:27:500:27:51

Yeah, we shouldn't have kids. It's a terrible idea

0:27:510:27:53

-if they're anything like this.

-Yeah, it's a terrible idea.

0:27:530:27:56

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