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'It's so wonderful to have some time in this sanctuary. | 0:00:39 | 0:00:43 | |
'This place of silence. To leave the clamour and the chaos behind | 0:00:43 | 0:00:48 | |
'and be available to something greater than myself. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:51 | |
'To you, dear Lord.' | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
'I wonder what's for lunch today. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:03 | |
'Hope it isn't that strange cauliflower cheese again. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:06 | |
'No, come on, holy thoughts. | 0:01:06 | 0:01:09 | |
'Everlasting God, in whom we live and move and have our being, | 0:01:09 | 0:01:14 | |
'you have made us for yourself and our hearts are restless | 0:01:14 | 0:01:16 | |
'until we rest in you.' | 0:01:16 | 0:01:18 | |
'These shoes are very squeaky.' | 0:01:21 | 0:01:24 | |
'I love the fact that this is a silent order | 0:01:27 | 0:01:29 | |
'and I don't have to talk to her.' | 0:01:29 | 0:01:32 | |
'Look at this beautiful place.' | 0:01:34 | 0:01:37 | |
'I feel more at peace here than I have for years.' | 0:01:40 | 0:01:43 | |
Retreat! | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
Dear boy, I've just arrived. I'm staying in the kennel next door. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:53 | |
What's your place like? Mine's got death camp chic. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:57 | |
I normally go to that chateau in Provence, but word's out. | 0:01:57 | 0:02:01 | |
It's fully booked this year. Bastards. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:03 | |
What DVDs have you got? I've got Dermot's | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
A History Of Christianity or The Killing. What about you? | 0:02:06 | 0:02:10 | |
HE MOUTHS | 0:02:10 | 0:02:12 | |
-Are you all right? -Are we allowed to talk now? | 0:02:12 | 0:02:15 | |
Yes, it's a lesser silence before six o'clock, not a greater one. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:19 | |
Oh, I thought it was the greater one now. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
No, I don't really watch telly when I'm here. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:23 | |
-What have you brought to eat? -A couple of KitKats. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:26 | |
OK, I have got some Assam tea, cheese - | 0:02:26 | 0:02:29 | |
two hard, one soft, one goat - | 0:02:29 | 0:02:31 | |
pickles, chutneys, potted goose meat, Iberico ham and a gooseberry roulade. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:35 | |
It sounds like a hamper. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
It IS a hamper. We shouldn't be doing this here, though, should we? | 0:02:37 | 0:02:41 | |
We should be out there in the community making a mark. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:45 | |
Spreading the word. Telly, radio, Twitter, the lot. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:48 | |
Yes, yes. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:49 | |
The church just doesn't get front foot enough. Too much praying. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:54 | |
Not enough action. Oh, Wallander. What have you brought to drink? | 0:02:54 | 0:02:57 | |
I've got a couple of Rieslings and a Pic St Loup. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:00 | |
Vodka and tonic. | 0:03:03 | 0:03:04 | |
Gin and tonic. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:10 | |
We may just survive this. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:12 | |
Excuse me. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:25 | |
Look out, mate. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:36 | |
Oh, sorry! | 0:03:37 | 0:03:38 | |
I'm so sorry. Are you OK? My fault. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:47 | |
If you rush, you'll get it. Well done. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:50 | |
Paedo! | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
Oh, Adam! | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
Hello, Adoha, are you OK? | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
-That little bastard snatched my bag from me. -Oh, I see. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:05 | |
-Thank you so much. You are so brave. -No, I'm not. -Yes, you are. -No. -Yes. | 0:04:05 | 0:04:13 | |
It was an accident. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:14 | |
I saw it happen. You grabbed him and you wrestled him to the ground. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:18 | |
No. I'm just rushing to the school. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
-Yes, you did. Do you think I'm OK? -I...I think so. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:24 | |
Well, er... Have a look at me, darling. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:27 | |
-Yes. No, I'm looking. I...I think you look very OK. -Oh, my hero! | 0:04:27 | 0:04:36 | |
The problem is, they've got nothing to do, these kids. | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
-There's nothing to inspire them. -My kids? | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
No, not your kids. Yes, your kids. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
When they're in school, it's fine, of course, their time's full. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:54 | |
But outside school, what do they do? Just this. | 0:04:54 | 0:04:58 | |
Or they go bag-snatching off old ladies. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:01 | |
-I'm going to do a trip to the country. -Is this what you came up with on holiday? | 0:05:01 | 0:05:05 | |
I wasn't on holiday. It was a retreat. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:07 | |
One of your kids from the Moorfield Estate | 0:05:07 | 0:05:09 | |
told me that he'd never been outside London in his life. Isn't that terrible? | 0:05:09 | 0:05:13 | |
Yes. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:14 | |
-Some of these kids have never seen cows. -They've seen a cow, Adam. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:19 | |
Some of them haven't. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:20 | |
There was a survey that said that inner city kids thought that eggs | 0:05:20 | 0:05:23 | |
came from cows. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
They've got no idea what cheese is or where their food comes from. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:28 | |
We'll do a trip to the seaside. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:30 | |
Are there cows there? | 0:05:30 | 0:05:31 | |
There will be cows on the way. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:33 | |
We'll do a trip to the White Cliffs of Dover. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
Oh, suicidal cows. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
It's a natural wonder. It'll give them a sense of British history. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
They might even see France. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
Come on, this is what I'm here for. Let's do it. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:45 | |
-Are you trying to whisk me off to the seaside? -What? | 0:05:45 | 0:05:48 | |
You know, get me on the back seat? | 0:05:48 | 0:05:49 | |
No. No, no. No. No. | 0:05:49 | 0:05:52 | |
We'll take your 15 most difficult but deserving children. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:58 | |
I don't think you have any idea what you're taking on. | 0:05:58 | 0:06:00 | |
I've got an 11-year-old who was just done for twocking on Saturday. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:04 | |
And I suspect you don't know what that is? | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
Of course I know what twocking is. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
Alex, have you seen my dog collar? | 0:06:08 | 0:06:11 | |
Alex. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:13 | |
Thank you very much(!) | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
I can't find any dog collars. | 0:06:19 | 0:06:22 | |
Be really great if you did come on this trip, because I need | 0:06:23 | 0:06:26 | |
another adult to make up the numbers, and you've already been CRB-checked. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:30 | |
Oh, you charmer. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:32 | |
And it would be a nice way for us | 0:06:32 | 0:06:33 | |
to spend a day by the seaside. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:35 | |
No, it would A way for us | 0:06:35 | 0:06:37 | |
to be by the seaside. Not a nice way. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:38 | |
-Is that ketchup? -Anyway, I can't take a day off work. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:42 | |
Er, well you don't need to. It's on Saturday the third. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:46 | |
Not content with having a holiday - sorry, being on retreat - | 0:06:47 | 0:06:51 | |
you've now decided you'd like to spend the one day a week we do have together | 0:06:51 | 0:06:54 | |
in a shit bit of Kent with 15 of other people's children. | 0:06:54 | 0:06:58 | |
-Do you know the last time I had a weekend with you? -Erm... | 0:06:58 | 0:07:01 | |
No, neither do I. Now, why is that? Oh, yes, that's right - | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
it's NEVER happened. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:05 | |
I'm sorry. What's the matter? | 0:07:05 | 0:07:07 | |
What's the matter? I'm fed up with never seeing you. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:10 | |
Listen, Alex... | 0:07:10 | 0:07:11 | |
I'm sick of your congregants saying, "It's a shame Alex | 0:07:11 | 0:07:14 | |
"couldn't come," like they've got a Master's in passive aggression, | 0:07:14 | 0:07:17 | |
just because I was busy. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:18 | |
I'm fed up with coming home from work only to make yet another | 0:07:18 | 0:07:21 | |
mushroom stroganoff for some sodding church meeting of pedantic bores | 0:07:21 | 0:07:25 | |
who want to sit around for four hours in my home discussing | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
-how to put in a fire exit or whatever. -Well... | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
I want to have a child, because I don't just want to be | 0:07:30 | 0:07:33 | |
a solicitor my whole life. But you don't shag me enough. | 0:07:33 | 0:07:35 | |
No, now that's not... Is that...? That's not true. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
Yes. This house is permanently full of people | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
making unceasing demands on your time, | 0:07:41 | 0:07:43 | |
because they've got nothing else in their lives except a need | 0:07:43 | 0:07:46 | |
to organise the latest church event. Some wank fete I've got to make | 0:07:46 | 0:07:49 | |
sponge fingers for, because your whole world is obsessed | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
with correlating excruciating social events with religious devotion. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:56 | |
SHE LAUGHS | 0:07:56 | 0:07:57 | |
Have you seen the other glove? | 0:07:57 | 0:08:00 | |
I'm not good at making sponge fingers, Adam. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:03 | |
I don't find it fulfilling. | 0:08:03 | 0:08:05 | |
Yes, I'll come on your cocking trip to Kentish hell. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:11 | |
Because at least that way, | 0:08:11 | 0:08:13 | |
I get to spend a few hours with my gorgeous husband. Lucky me. | 0:08:13 | 0:08:16 | |
Come on, this is easy. We hire a mini bus, | 0:08:18 | 0:08:21 | |
chuck the kids in, off we go. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:24 | |
Chuck the kids in, fasten their seatbelts, off we go. | 0:08:24 | 0:08:26 | |
-Is this because you're a hero now? -What? | 0:08:26 | 0:08:30 | |
Accosting London's bag thieves. I must say, | 0:08:30 | 0:08:32 | |
-I didn't think you had it in you. -What's this? | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
Defending your parishioners. Apprehending feral scum - | 0:08:34 | 0:08:37 | |
-you're the Big Society in action. -This is ridiculous. | 0:08:37 | 0:08:39 | |
This isn't what happened. This is nonsense. | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:08:42 | 0:08:45 | |
No, I want to talk about this trip to Dover. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:48 | |
On come the red underpants. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:49 | |
Is this something you came up with on your holiday? | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
It wasn't a holiday, it was a retreat. They'll see the seaside, | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
the White Cliffs, the Channel, this is gospel work. It's incarnational. | 0:08:55 | 0:08:59 | |
They'll go shop-lifting and they will take drugs. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
No, they won't. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:03 | |
What's twocking? Do you know what that is? | 0:09:03 | 0:09:05 | |
Oh, it's something unpleasant and sexual to do with bacon, isn't it? | 0:09:05 | 0:09:08 | |
They won't be allowed to do that on the trip. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
There's a huge number of child protection and health and safety | 0:09:11 | 0:09:14 | |
considerations with this idea. Otherwise the children | 0:09:14 | 0:09:16 | |
will get lost, have sex or get allergic reactions. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:19 | |
Well, what considerations? Let's go through them. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:22 | |
Well, for a start, the diocese will require that a child advocate | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
is appointed. Someone the children can talk to should any issues | 0:09:25 | 0:09:29 | |
arise involving someone connected to the church. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
Oh, I see. Yes, because as a vicar, I'm likely to take them | 0:09:31 | 0:09:35 | |
all the way down to Dover just so I can stick my hands down their pants. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:38 | |
Well, if you do, the children will need a respected, | 0:09:38 | 0:09:42 | |
appointed member of society to talk to about it afterwards. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:45 | |
OK, great. Well, let's appoint one. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:47 | |
As long as they're not too annoying. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:49 | |
Adam, my hero. Look. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:52 | |
-Now everybody will know what a hero you are. -I wasn't. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:56 | |
I did what anyone would have done. | 0:09:56 | 0:09:57 | |
So modest. That's why I've put you up for the Pride of Britain Awards. | 0:09:57 | 0:10:03 | |
-What? Have you? -A vicar has never won it before. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:07 | |
It's inspiring, isn't it? | 0:10:07 | 0:10:08 | |
Come Christmas, there'll be little Adam action vicar dolls. | 0:10:08 | 0:10:12 | |
Can I be involved with your trip... please? | 0:10:16 | 0:10:18 | |
I love the seaside, me. Maybe if I'd seen the seaside | 0:10:18 | 0:10:22 | |
when I was kid, my life wouldn't have been so shite. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:24 | |
Um, OK. Well, let me... let me think about how. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
It would be really good for my CV. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:28 | |
Have you thought how I can be involved yet? | 0:10:36 | 0:10:38 | |
Oh, sorry. Just thinking how sad it is that our culture's become | 0:10:38 | 0:10:43 | |
so obsessed with its fears that organising a kids trip is now | 0:10:43 | 0:10:47 | |
a health and safety nightmare. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
Except if it was a Catholic trip to the seaside. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:51 | |
It would be right to be scared, cos after lunch, all the kids | 0:10:51 | 0:10:54 | |
would be getting the brown glove treatment in the sand dunes | 0:10:54 | 0:10:57 | |
from the pervy priests. | 0:10:57 | 0:10:58 | |
Can I be a driver of the minibus? | 0:10:58 | 0:11:00 | |
-Have you got a driving licence? -Yeah, I've got HGV. -Have you? -Yeah. | 0:11:00 | 0:11:04 | |
Three years I drove haulage round Europe. Massive truck. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:08 | |
Real fanny magnet. As long as the kind of fanny you like | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
hangs about at an Italian service station at 3am with a massive Adam's apple. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:15 | |
OK, well, if you've got a clean licence... | 0:11:17 | 0:11:20 | |
I'll think about it. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:22 | |
Oh, great! Magic! I just want to give something back, | 0:11:22 | 0:11:25 | |
even though I never got anything. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:27 | |
Who's looking forward to our trip to Dover? Hands up. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:32 | |
Hands up, who's never been to the seaside before? | 0:11:34 | 0:11:38 | |
Hands up who's seen a cow? | 0:11:40 | 0:11:42 | |
Well, you can see some more on Saturday and see if they lay eggs. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:50 | |
We're going to see the White Cliffs. | 0:11:50 | 0:11:52 | |
They have an incredible history. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:55 | |
They're a natural wonder. Yes, Courtney? | 0:11:55 | 0:11:58 | |
-Can we go shopping there? -No, it's a cliff. -Is it outdoors? | 0:11:58 | 0:12:03 | |
Er, yes. It's outdoors. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:05 | |
I hate outdoors. Unless it's inside like at Bluewater. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:08 | |
Yeah, and cows stink. Is it going to stink on this trip? | 0:12:08 | 0:12:12 | |
No, it won't. It'll be great. A day without your TV and games, | 0:12:12 | 0:12:16 | |
with some military history thrown in, if you're very lucky. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:19 | |
Well, I'm looking forward to it. | 0:12:19 | 0:12:20 | |
Now, a lady called Adoha is going to talk to you. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:24 | |
-I ain't going on this stupid trip. You can't make me. -Chloe! | 0:12:24 | 0:12:28 | |
Hello, children. My name is Adoha. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:32 | |
-Er, yes? -Are you a man? | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
I gather you want to show some children a cow? | 0:12:41 | 0:12:46 | |
-It's a trip to the White Cliffs of Dover. -They'll have seen cows, Adam. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:50 | |
Some of Ellie's kids live five to a bedroom. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:52 | |
They have two unemployed parents. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:54 | |
Oh, is this because you're a hero now? Pulling on tight spandex at night, | 0:12:54 | 0:12:59 | |
slipping out through the bedroom window and accosting | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
rough men in dark alleyways. They're not going to come to church | 0:13:01 | 0:13:05 | |
afterwards, you know, and you'll have to CRB-check every adult involved. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:09 | |
I know, I'm doing that. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
-And I'll have to go through the CRB checks with Graham. -Graham? | 0:13:11 | 0:13:14 | |
He's the diocesan Safeguarding and Management Risk Assessment Panel Group Officer. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:19 | |
He's a quite stunningly dull man. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:21 | |
Makes Nigel look like Bear Grylls. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:23 | |
Nigel! Bear Grylls. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:26 | |
-Who's going on this trip? -Er, me and Alex. -Alex! | 0:13:26 | 0:13:30 | |
-Nigel. -Nigel. -Ellie. -Ellie. -Adoha. -Adoha. -And maybe Colin. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:35 | |
Well, I'm sure Graham will turn him down. He always does | 0:13:35 | 0:13:39 | |
if there's even the slightest whiff of anything improper. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:43 | |
All a criminal record check proves is that somebody hasn't been caught, | 0:13:43 | 0:13:45 | |
that's all. I'd rather trust my instincts over some police report | 0:13:45 | 0:13:50 | |
compiled by a pencil-pusher whose job it is to always say no. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:52 | |
Well, thank goodness. Society can relax. We've got Adam's instincts to rely upon. | 0:13:52 | 0:13:57 | |
How wonderful! Perhaps we should send you out to every school and hospital | 0:13:57 | 0:14:02 | |
to tell us who you trust. I think I'm going to let you out here, | 0:14:02 | 0:14:06 | |
because I'm finding you incredibly annoying. | 0:14:06 | 0:14:09 | |
-Is it safe here? -Trust your instincts. | 0:14:09 | 0:14:13 | |
I ain't babysitting him again. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:28 | |
He's only seven, he's already a sex pest. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:30 | |
Oh... You're that hero. You're the hero. Shelley, there's a hero here. | 0:14:31 | 0:14:37 | |
Oh, thanks. No. Not really. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:40 | |
Yeah, you are. If all vicars were like you, I'd come to church. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:43 | |
We need people like you beating up the scum. Will you sign my paper? | 0:14:43 | 0:14:48 | |
Have you got a pen? | 0:14:50 | 0:14:52 | |
My mum is going to be so jealous that I saw the Kung Fu Vicar. | 0:14:55 | 0:14:59 | |
Here, go on, have a free lolly. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:04 | |
-For being a have-a-go-hero. -Thanks, Lisa. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:07 | |
See you tomorrow. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
I'm just off to go and close down a criminal gang's hide-out. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:16 | |
Oh, good luck! | 0:15:16 | 0:15:17 | |
Go in peace to love and serve the Lord. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:24 | |
In the name of Christ, amen. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:26 | |
MUSIC PLAYS | 0:15:26 | 0:15:28 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:51 | |
Adam, darling, can you come back this way, please? Come on, darling. | 0:15:51 | 0:15:54 | |
You have always been a hero to me. I am proud to say | 0:15:57 | 0:16:02 | |
soon everyone will know that you are the bravest vicar in the world. | 0:16:02 | 0:16:07 | |
My nephew's internet campaign has worked. I am delighted | 0:16:07 | 0:16:13 | |
to announce you have been shortlisted for the Pride of Britain Awards. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:17 | |
We can all watch you live on TV. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:22 | |
-Congratulations. -Thank you. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:24 | |
For your heroic action in bringing criminals to justice. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:28 | |
Congratulations, darling. | 0:16:31 | 0:16:33 | |
Wow! Have you seen these Pride of Britain nominations? | 0:16:38 | 0:16:41 | |
People do some amazing things, don't they? A partially sighted salesman | 0:16:41 | 0:16:46 | |
saved an infant from a burning car wreck | 0:16:46 | 0:16:49 | |
and has now adopted the orphaned boy. He's in your category. | 0:16:49 | 0:16:52 | |
Let me see. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:54 | |
-There's going to be lots of important people there. -Are there? | 0:16:54 | 0:16:56 | |
Richard Curtis, of course. | 0:16:56 | 0:17:00 | |
Sam Cam, Andrew Strauss. Oh, Carol Vorderman's hosting. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:05 | |
A girl with meningitis confronted a burglar despite having no arms. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:10 | |
I'm really looking forward to it. A night out with my hero husband. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:14 | |
-I can't go to this, I don't deserve it. -You do. | 0:17:14 | 0:17:17 | |
No, not compared to these people. You've got to understand, | 0:17:17 | 0:17:20 | |
this incident has been blown out of all proportion. | 0:17:20 | 0:17:23 | |
What about all the things you do that go unnoticed? | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
Think of this as a prize for all that as well. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:29 | |
This has made me realise I don't support you enough sometimes. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:32 | |
-No, you do. -I don't. And I've been meaning to say, I'm sorry. | 0:17:32 | 0:17:37 | |
When I was ranting about your job this week. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:40 | |
-It's all right. -I was in a bad mood. | 0:17:40 | 0:17:42 | |
But I'm really proud of you, darling. Not just for this award but for everything you do. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:51 | |
I'm even looking forward to your trip to Dover. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:53 | |
Assuming I can get 45 parental consent, health and safety | 0:17:55 | 0:17:59 | |
and day of departure forms signed. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:01 | |
And I've got to tell the one person who wants to come that he can't. | 0:18:01 | 0:18:04 | |
Colin's CRB report's in. 39 entries. Including convictions | 0:18:04 | 0:18:09 | |
for sexual harassment, obscene phone calls and attempted kidnap | 0:18:09 | 0:18:11 | |
on just one weekend. | 0:18:11 | 0:18:13 | |
So now you're my hero, you're more physically appealing to me than ever before. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:17 | |
You've got to understand, I didn't do anything. That's what I'm trying to say. | 0:18:17 | 0:18:20 | |
Why don't you come and not do anything to me over here? | 0:18:20 | 0:18:22 | |
But I really didn't. I... | 0:18:22 | 0:18:24 | |
Oh, shut up. Take your pants off. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:26 | |
-Ow! -Sorry. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:28 | |
Sexual harassment, obscene phone calls and attempted kidnap. | 0:18:28 | 0:18:33 | |
I was in love, Adam. What can I say? She drove me bit nuts. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:37 | |
You know what women are like. But anyway, that doesn't matter for this trip, | 0:18:37 | 0:18:40 | |
because it weren't an offence with a child. Mandy was in her 50s. | 0:18:40 | 0:18:43 | |
Well, we have to take into account everything you've done, Colin, not... | 0:18:43 | 0:18:46 | |
Are you saying I can't come to the seaside? | 0:18:46 | 0:18:48 | |
I'm sorry, but the Diocesan Child Protection Officer won't approve it. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:52 | |
I'm a different person now. | 0:18:52 | 0:18:54 | |
I know that. I'd take you if I could, but I can't. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:57 | |
I was looking forward to it. You promised. What about forgiveness | 0:19:01 | 0:19:07 | |
and second chances? You're always talking about them, | 0:19:07 | 0:19:10 | |
but, actually, there isn't any forgiveness, is there? That's the message here. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:15 | |
People think you're some hero. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:18 | |
Well, you're no hero to me. You're a wank stain. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:21 | |
-Oh, is that Captain Underpants? -Gosh, it's hot! | 0:19:35 | 0:19:39 | |
It is. The Pride of Britain hero no less. Welcome to my club. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:43 | |
Come and perch by me. I want to talk to you in private. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:47 | |
I've only got an hour for treatments today. | 0:19:47 | 0:19:50 | |
-Seems like a nice place. -Very friendly people. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:52 | |
I thought I might get a renewing herbal rub-down. | 0:19:52 | 0:19:55 | |
Well, if you, I'd recommend Claudio. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:57 | |
If you ask him to, he can go very firm and deep. | 0:19:57 | 0:19:59 | |
Maybe you'll get a hero's discount. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:02 | |
Oh, hello, Roland! | 0:20:02 | 0:20:05 | |
Oh, I'm so glad you took my advice about getting out in the media more. | 0:20:05 | 0:20:10 | |
Now, I've been talking to the award organisers | 0:20:10 | 0:20:12 | |
and I suspect you may in fact be winning in your category tomorrow. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:16 | |
Oh, right. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:18 | |
So I don't want you to go messing it up. The media time alone | 0:20:18 | 0:20:21 | |
is worth 430 grand, plus the incalculable benefit of the public | 0:20:21 | 0:20:26 | |
-perceiving vicars to be heroes. -The problem is I didn't actually do anything. | 0:20:26 | 0:20:29 | |
No doubt, but this is a great platform for the church. | 0:20:29 | 0:20:33 | |
I'll be there personally to guide you through the interviews. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
-Right. -You'll feel my firm hand right behind you. Have you got an outfit? | 0:20:36 | 0:20:41 | |
A decent suit. I've never seen you in one. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:43 | |
Er, I'll get one. | 0:20:43 | 0:20:44 | |
In your acceptance speech, don't forget to thank everybody, | 0:20:44 | 0:20:47 | |
especially God and the little lady at home. | 0:20:47 | 0:20:50 | |
And, Roland, what are we going to do about his hair? | 0:20:50 | 0:20:52 | |
It's my hair. It's fine. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
Mm... No, it's not. I'll see you at the Grosvenor. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:59 | |
I need to get going now. I've got tickets to watch David Hare | 0:20:59 | 0:21:03 | |
read some of his emails at the National. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:05 | |
Do you want to borrow my loofah? | 0:21:08 | 0:21:10 | |
Er, no, thanks. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:11 | |
Thank you so much. Thank you, Carol. Thank you, Britain. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:15 | |
When I...when I look at the other nominees, in many ways, | 0:21:15 | 0:21:18 | |
I don't feel that deserving. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:21 | |
Erm... | 0:21:21 | 0:21:23 | |
'I can't do this. This is wrong. Why have you engineered this, Lord? | 0:21:23 | 0:21:30 | |
'I didn't do anything. You know it, I know it... | 0:21:30 | 0:21:34 | |
'..well, just you and I know it. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:38 | |
'But it has been quite nice. | 0:21:38 | 0:21:40 | |
'People respect me more, and it's been wonderful with Alex. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:46 | |
'She's been a bit down recently, but she's really enjoying being my wife since the nomination. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:52 | |
'National television, millions of viewers. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:57 | |
'I'm a hero vicar. Maybe I better just accept this award, | 0:21:58 | 0:22:03 | |
'is that what you want? Yes? Seems to be what everyone wants. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:08 | |
'Yes.' | 0:22:08 | 0:22:09 | |
Adam. Adam. | 0:22:09 | 0:22:11 | |
-Adam, the Bishop. The Bishop. -What's the matter? | 0:22:11 | 0:22:14 | |
The Bishop of London's here. | 0:22:14 | 0:22:16 | |
-Oh, hello. I'm looking for the Reverend Adam Smallbone. -That's him. | 0:22:29 | 0:22:33 | |
-That's me. -Oh, I'm so glad. I'm happy to meet you. | 0:22:33 | 0:22:36 | |
I was just passing and I thought I'd pop in and have a look | 0:22:38 | 0:22:41 | |
at the cradle of heroism. Meet the man of courage inside. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:43 | |
Can I just say, on behalf of all of us, | 0:22:43 | 0:22:47 | |
that I think you are doing a wonderful job at the moment. | 0:22:47 | 0:22:50 | |
Thank you. And I... | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
I've read all of your books about how to pray | 0:22:52 | 0:22:53 | |
and even the one about how to pass your GCSE Religious Studies. | 0:22:53 | 0:22:56 | |
Thank you. I couldn't possible have a cup of tea? Would you mind? | 0:22:56 | 0:22:58 | |
Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. | 0:22:58 | 0:23:01 | |
Shall we? | 0:23:06 | 0:23:07 | |
I hope you don't feel imposed upon. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:11 | |
It's so lovely to have a positive story come across my desk. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
And I hear you run a wonderful church, when you're not making headlines. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:18 | |
Well, no, yes, I try. | 0:23:18 | 0:23:20 | |
It's so inspiring. You took this mugger on? | 0:23:20 | 0:23:23 | |
It's just so physically courageous. Incredible, really. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:27 | |
-I actually don't deserve any of this. -Really? | 0:23:27 | 0:23:30 | |
Tell me what happened. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:35 | |
Well, er, I was out on the street, | 0:23:35 | 0:23:39 | |
and this thief snatched this lady's bag and ran off with it. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:42 | |
-Ah-ha. -And collided with me. Ran into me, really. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:48 | |
I see, and that's when you fought him? | 0:23:48 | 0:23:50 | |
Well, no, no. We-we-we both fell down. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:53 | |
And then you used your fighting skills? | 0:23:53 | 0:23:56 | |
Not really. | 0:23:56 | 0:23:58 | |
And then what happened? | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
And then I helped him onto a bus. | 0:24:06 | 0:24:08 | |
So you see it's all a mistake, | 0:24:11 | 0:24:12 | |
because nothing really happened... at all. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:16 | |
It's a lie. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:19 | |
And now I'm about to be given an award for heroism. | 0:24:21 | 0:24:23 | |
I see. You've got yourself into a bit of a pickle, haven't you? | 0:24:23 | 0:24:28 | |
The reality is I can barely run a school trip to the seaside, | 0:24:28 | 0:24:31 | |
cos the admin defeats me. | 0:24:31 | 0:24:33 | |
I'm going to have to decline the award, aren't I? | 0:24:36 | 0:24:39 | |
Or should I accept it? Because it has done quite a lot of good in some ways. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:45 | |
People want to believe in a good vicar, don't they? | 0:24:45 | 0:24:48 | |
Yes. | 0:24:50 | 0:24:52 | |
You're absolutely right, I can't accept it. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:54 | |
No, I'll go to the awards dinner and decline it. | 0:24:54 | 0:24:58 | |
Set the record straight. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:00 | |
But if you're going to decline it, wouldn't you want to decline it beforehand? | 0:25:00 | 0:25:03 | |
OK, yes. I'll...I'll do that. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:07 | |
It's just that I did promise my wife a night out | 0:25:12 | 0:25:15 | |
and that I'd get Carol Vorderman's autograph for Nigel. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:19 | |
Maybe I could just go to the pre-drinks reception with Alex, | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
because she does deserve... No, that's... | 0:25:22 | 0:25:25 | |
People are going to be so disappointed. | 0:25:27 | 0:25:29 | |
Yes. You're going to have to tell the truth. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:33 | |
And that's where your courage will really be shown. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:38 | |
Gloriam praecedit humilitas. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:44 | |
Yes. | 0:25:44 | 0:25:46 | |
Glory before humility. | 0:25:47 | 0:25:49 | |
Well...before glory goes humility. | 0:25:49 | 0:25:53 | |
Oh, yes, that's right. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:55 | |
Yes, that's what I think. | 0:25:58 | 0:25:59 | |
-Good luck with your school trip. -Yes. Thanks. | 0:26:09 | 0:26:13 | |
Where is he? | 0:26:30 | 0:26:31 | |
Has he gone? | 0:26:33 | 0:26:34 | |
Oh, buggeration! | 0:26:34 | 0:26:37 | |
Adam, I am so angry with you. | 0:26:46 | 0:26:50 | |
I had the whole family gathered round the telly. | 0:26:50 | 0:26:53 | |
The one time I could have worn a dress and had a night out. | 0:26:53 | 0:26:55 | |
Oh, come on. Forget about the stupid awards. | 0:26:55 | 0:26:57 | |
We're taking away these kids for a day trip. It's far more important. | 0:26:57 | 0:27:00 | |
Oh, sorry I'm late, Adam. Have you got all 45 of the parental consent forms? | 0:27:00 | 0:27:02 | |
Nigel, what have you done to your arm? | 0:27:02 | 0:27:04 | |
I fell over pulling my socks on. It sounds stupid, I know, | 0:27:05 | 0:27:09 | |
but actually three people a year die this way. Eight people lose an eye opening champagne. | 0:27:09 | 0:27:13 | |
-Where are these kids, anyway? -I hate to say it, Adam. I think they're going to be a no show. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:16 | |
No, look. Here's a couple. | 0:27:16 | 0:27:18 | |
Chloe, Courtney, you came! | 0:27:20 | 0:27:22 | |
-Nothing better to do. -Great. That's the spirit. Anyone else coming? | 0:27:22 | 0:27:26 | |
Dunno. | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
OK, well, two of you is better than none. Educate one life, | 0:27:28 | 0:27:31 | |
you educate the world in time. | 0:27:31 | 0:27:33 | |
GIRLS LAUGH | 0:27:33 | 0:27:34 | |
-Hang on, hang on. Got any space? -Colin. | 0:27:34 | 0:27:37 | |
-Get on, Colin. Come as one of the kids. -Magic. Got tinnies for everyone. | 0:27:38 | 0:27:42 | |
Do not try to set fire to me, you little tike. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:48 | |
COLIN LAUGHS | 0:27:48 | 0:27:50 | |
These kids are awful, aren't they? | 0:27:50 | 0:27:51 | |
Yeah, we shouldn't have kids. It's a terrible idea | 0:27:51 | 0:27:53 | |
-if they're anything like this. -Yeah, it's a terrible idea. | 0:27:53 | 0:27:56 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:17 | 0:28:19 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:28:19 | 0:28:21 |