Episode 5 Rev.

This programme contains some strong language

You don't find it too routine?

God, no, it's exciting.

Cos according to that article,

people are always trying to predict when the woman's ovulating

-and spend thousands on IVF.

-Idiots.

-When what they should be doing is having sex every day.

-Like us.

It's recommended.

Good, I recommend it.

DISTANT BANG

Did you leave the back door open?

Ah, I'd better go and check.

Could you look a bit more upset, please?

I am upset.

I said this would happen with the chocolate, people will stroll in.

It's Colin!

Won't keep you, Vicarage, I've got to get back to the AA meeting.

Bloke from Swansea's talking about being eyed-up by this guy

in a foster home.

Don't want to miss the ending. There used to be a Star Bar in here.

Have you joined Alcoholics Anonymous, Colin?

Hm, a wonderful organisation.

No, I know.

You get to listen to all these sad stories

and then you tell your one.

At the end, the one with the saddest story,

that's the one everyone's nicest to.

Last time, there was this fat bird with abandonment issues,

don't fancy her chances tonight, though.

Isn't it supposed to be mutual support, Colin?

It's not a competition.

It won't be when I hit them with the time that me nan swapped me Subbuteo

-for a bottle of Dubonnet.

-PHONE RINGS

-Was the worst Christmas ever.

-Yeah?

Nigel, calm down.

Well, is it a sort of emergency that can wait till tomorrow morning?

OK, well you'd better be on fire or bleeding.

Colin, I've just got to get dressed.

Darling, I'm really sorry,

but you haven't stopped drinking though, have you, Colin?

I'm focused on me steps right now.

I've admitted I'm powerless over alcohol.

Oh, hello, Mick, no petrol can tonight?

Evening, Vicar, nah, see what it is, yeah...

Actually, enormous rush, Mick, sorry.

You're planning on giving up at some point, though?

I'll be an alcoholic for the rest of my life, Adam.

AA's helped me to accept that.

I think the idea's to accept it, with a view to not drinking.

-That's not come up.

-It's implied.

'Scuse me, Reverend.

Walk faster, act like he's not here.

Yeah, you see what it is, I've been doing some thinking.

No, he hasn't, junkie scum.

Yeah, cos I've been on a career break.

Prison.

They said I took some Italian ham out of Tesco Metro.

Wants his hands chopping off.

Gave me time to reflect, though.

Try stealing Italian ham in Saudi Arabia.

They're not big on ham in Saudi Arabia, so it wouldn't arise.

-Upside is, I'm clean.

-Really?

Yeah, yeah, three weeks today.

What it is though, I need money to stay off the drugs, it's ironic.

It is very ironic.

On my life, Vicar, it's harder now, I need to stay off the streets.

This is good, you've never used this before.

I thought it was going to be an important train journey that

you needed a ticket for or a baby in need of disposable nappies.

Shouldn't you leave that there, Colin.

-Evening, Clive.

-All right.

I'd love to help you with £90 for a hotel

or whatever it is you're working up to, but I don't have it.

And as you should know by now, we don't give out cash.

But if you come by the vicarage later I'll make you a cup of tea.

There might even be a Twix left.

There's not.

It's, it's the routine, isn't it.

Negotiate the deal,

close the deal,

celebrate the deal,

get slaughtered on '82 Pomerel.

Get in a fight with the maitre d',

then the wife calls, "Why am I raising this family single handed?"

Ah, sheer monotony of the club,

the inevitable Ukrainian underwear model.

And waking up next to the inevitable Ukrainian underwear model.

I mean, I know it sounds great,

it sounds fantastic...

but, uh, no.

Did you want to speak?

There is a £147 and 45 pence hole in the parish fund.

Clearly you're upset or somehow excited,

but this is a bureaucratic emergency

and I specifically asked you if it could wait.

Here's the total that came in on collection plates.

Hmm.

Here is what's there in cash.

More chocolate.

What are you doing? This is what I'm talking about.

-This hole needs filling by Monday.

-Why Monday?

Because the Archdeacon's visitation is on Monday.

Yeah, well, the Archdeacon knows perfectly well

to get the church fund anywhere near miserably pathetic,

most Sundays half my stipend goes into that collection plate.

So, you're going to say it all goes the same way.

Good axe, robbing Peter to pay Paul.

Or buy him chocolate, yes.

No, bad. Do not say any of that.

If you confess to theft from a registered charity,

the Archdeacon will refer you to tribunal, he always does.

What theft? There's no theft, it's my money.

This kind of thing ends careers

and you're not dragging me down with you.

Excuse me, what went on here?

Him, did his life story, grim.

Didn't know whether to cry or to throw up.

I'm going to run something by you.

He's actually sober?

No, still smells.

My idea, I pitched this to the chairman, but he couldn't see it.

Because I spilt my guts up there - did Lehman's,

did the bonus tax, how that crimped, very little back.

-None of this is really my...

-Very little.

-I don't think they get it.

-I have to get back to my wife.

Oh, OK. Leaf out of the dating agency's book -

like-minded groups.

One group, 250K up, high-end professionals,

other group (don't want to say), street scum.

Do you want to think about it?

Mick's given up drugs.

Good for Mick.

He told me he'd given up, I completely dismissed him.

I thought it was another scam. He just went to AA.

I thought he was a crack addict.

Maybe he's an alcoholic and uses crack as a pick-me-up.

Why did all those alcoholics see that he was sincere and I didn't?

Are you talking to me or to God?

Somebody asked me for help and I offered them a Twix.

Is God supposed to have sex with you tonight

and be up at six in the morning?

Maybe Nigel's not the bureaucrat, maybe it's me who's the bureaucrat.

-Come on.

-I am.

ALARM BEEPS

I've got an NGO liaison today. It could go late,

so we've got ten minutes.

Seriously?

Yes, sex every day, daily, on a daily basis.

-Sorry!

-No, it's fine.

Hang on a minute.

Mick, Mick!

Oh, thank God.

I'm cold, so cold.

Mick, I wanted to say that...

It's so cold.

Yes.

So, so cold.

Is it, is it that cold? I, I don't have my coat.

Cold on the ground.

Oh, yes, yes, come on.

I'm so sorry you had to sleep rough, Mick.

Also, I wanted to apologise for dismissing you like that last night.

Oh, it's cool, you couldn't tell.

So many times I've fooled you into it, innit,

you're thinking is this for real,

or is it another one of Mick's elaborate cons?

I'm not sure elaborate is exactly...

That thing with the petrol can,

I don't even have a driving licence.

The can's a diversion.

You got a can , you don't need the car,

you see the can, half my job's done.

You're like, this bloke has a car.

Come on.

Oh, hello, it's Adam Smallbone here from St Saviour's.

I wonder if I could talk to someone about a hostel placement.

I want to help.

Yes, I can hold, yeah.

We need to talk about the discrepancy.

There was one thing.

I find the gospels have people quite central to the ministry,

more so than accountancy.

-In the meetings...

-If you don't solve this by Monday,

you won't have a ministry.

There's a great deal of accountancy in Luke.

This thing keeps coming up.

It's all over Corinthians.

Let go and let God, make a decision to turn our lives over to God.

OK.

Ask God to remove our shortcomings, yeah?

-Yes.

-It's not going to go away.

Mick, certainly some people regard the higher power

as a conventionally perceived God, others...

What's in the Bible?

..and so Adam and Eve weren't allowed in the garden any more.

Bet there were drugs on that tree.

There's apples.

Yeah, drug apples, had to be.

That's why God's pissed off.

"You touched my stash, see you around here again I cut you, blood."

I've had that plenty of times.

-Yes, I can keep holding.

-"No, you can't have your clothes back,

"now cover your things and move." I love this Bible.

That's not all the Bible.

The rest you might want to read,

while I discuss some pressing financial concerns with the vicar.

I get it, there's a hole in the accounts, we will deal with it.

-Why should I deal with it? It's your hole.

-Fine, I'll deal with it.

Fantastic, thank you very much indeed.

Fucking Herod! Ah, I'm sorry, man, but this guy...

Good news, I've managed to find an emergency bed at Crossways Hostel.

Talked to a nice lady there,

you'll have your own room, they'll get you a key worker,

they have counsellors in-house, you can get on their programme

and from there you can move on to more permanent accommodation.

Thank you, reverend.

Adam.

Thank you.

Bed comes up in two days.

Two days?

Is that going to be a problem?

Where should I stay for two days?

Isn't there a friend you could stay with?

Hmm, there is one friend. I used to crash at his place but, I don't know.

There's a lot of coming and going, people lying around, druggy element.

I mean, I say "friend", but he has some strict house rules.

If you want to stay over, you have to buy crack.

Is it a crack house?

Hmm. It's a crack house.

So...

..help yourself.

-Thank you.

-No, really.

It's two nights.

Yeah, you mentioned that in your text message. Unbelievable.

Oh, I'm sorry, I should have phoned.

No, you should have not done it.

I say to you I don't like people strolling into our house

and you've taken that filthy Mick into the spare room.

I can't turn my back on this,

otherwise I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm for.

Hi, Mick.

Thinking about taking better care of my teeth.

Got myself one of these.

Ah, a toothbrush.

It says twice a day.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Is it potato now?

It's any order.

Thank you.

You're welcome, you don't need to thank us for every mouthful.

Is it vegetables now?

It really is any order.

Could I go online later?

Sure.

Think my sex drive's coming back.

I'm just saying, we came to a decision and now this.

We won't conceive while I'm teaching Mick how to brush his teeth.

We can do that when he's at NA.

Ah, just when you think things can't get any more romantic.

It's two days. He's had such a difficult life.

And now he's in our house.

I interviewed a serial rapist today. Didn't ask him round.

Look, OK, I'm trying to make sense of what I'm doing.

What is charity, for example?

Because sometimes it feels like just on-going Halloween -

people come to the door in strange costumes,

they get chocolate and then it's, "Next."

That's giving alms, but I feel I'm called upon to do more.

TV: "And now on BBC Two,

'two teams battle it out on University Challenge.'

SHE TURNS UP VOLUME

MUSIC: "University Challenge" theme

Alex, I've been wondering, have you got any...spare cash?

What?

It doesn't matter.

Psst.

Oh, for God's sake.

Psst, Adam?

Yes, Mick.

OK, if we're going to do this, we have to get Sky plus.

Adam. Can I have a word please?

Sure.

Outside.

Sorry.

I'm feeling it bad, Adam, very cravey.

OK.

I miss sucking on a pipe.

I miss the lifestyle, you know, being a con artist.

Just a little bit, sit.

Can we have a pray?

Absolutely.

Dear Lord.

No talking.

<...infectious diseases, Bristol.

< Which disease is caused by Borrelia species

< and is transmitted to humans by a tic from its reservoir in mammals,

< such as rodents and deer?

Lyme disease.

< The bubonic plague.

< It's Lyme disease. Secondly, which...

One pair of 36-inch candlesticks, brass.

Three pairs of 16-inch brass, one chalice, well in use.

Archdeacon, the visitation's not till Monday.

A window opened, my barber cancelled last minute -

emergency home visit to Simon Schama.

Thought I'd make a start on the heavy lifting before Monday.

-Nigel's been telling me about your crisis.

-Ah, which one?

Standard issue stuff,

"Am I an apparatchik in an unfeeling machine? What's it all for?"

What would Jesus do?

Thank you, Nigel.

Yes, I glazed over towards the end.

Anyway, I make that 88 hassocks, Archdeacon Robert,

did you want to count them?

Do I look like I want to count your hassocks?

The thing is, I'm not sure the accounts are quite ready.

So, anticipate chaos?

It won't be chaos.

Bookkeeping itself will be faultless, Archdeacon.

If your money management is as depressingly below average

as some of your other skills,

you'll have been counting out of Christian Aid envelopes all year.

Absolutely not.

Because you know how seriously that kind of thing is taken.

How seriously?

Put it this way,

there's a vicar currently resident at Wandsworth Prison

and he's not the chaplain.

Let's defer the pleasure of the accounts until Monday,

and, uh, press on.

See you Monday, Archdeacon Robert.

I wasn't clear that the vicarage was actually part of the visitation.

This is interesting.

-Hello, Archdeacon.

-Alexandra.

Hello, darling.

My Freeview box has arrived.

I see, and is that the man from the installation company?

Yes.

Hello, Adam.

Oooh, she told him your name.

Pause, rewind. It works.

I can't believe it works.

First day, possibly.

Could you series link the Big C please,

Mr Freeview installation man.

Oh, man, no adult channel.

Guys we might have to upgrade.

Ha ha, they're all like that, apparently.

Nigel's already told me about your house guest.

Well, it's only till a hostel place turns up.

-Stupid.

-Well, fine.

OK, maybe I am being stupid,

maybe it's not the logical thing to do,

but do you know what else was illogical?

Hanging out with lepers.

Oh, dear!

No, because that's the real miracle, isn't it,

seeing the human in other people, in the outcast?

That's the one thing that...

-Don't say Jesus.

-..Jesus did, that we can emulate.

We can't change water into wine, but he said it himself.

Looking into the heart of the lame man

is a bigger deal than making him walk.

You're saying, you're Jesus, is that it?

I'm not, no.

Well, because it's come across very Reverend Jim Jones,

so I suppose if you led your congregation to mass suicide,

they'd hardly have to stockpile the fizzy drinks, would they?

Probably just share a mixer can.

Oh, one more thing, Our Lord,

if your accounts are out by so much as 50p on Monday,

I get to crucify you.

'Could you guide me, Lord? Towards money, if possible.

'And also could you help me to understand

'why everything has to keep coming down to what's in petty cash.

'I mean, what do you want, a bookkeeper or a priest?

'It's just seems ridiculous.

'Are there vicars who are good bookkeepers and good priests?

'If there are, could you help me to be more like them, please, Lord?'

Haven't you heard of an implicit contract, morons. Don't go in there.

No. It's Marcus, isn't it?

They don't know the first thing about ethics. OK.

When a stripper takes £150 tip,

is there or is there not a blowjob implied?

-I'm not a legal expert.

-It's understood, right?

My wife's a lawyer,

I'm not sure she'd want to take your case,

cos mightn't blowjobs contravene their "no touching" policy.

Let's get shitfaced.

I shouldn't really, sperm count issues.

-Did you just give somebody £150 tip?

-Yeah.

"No touching", that's like when the masseuse says,

"It's strictly not a sexual service,"

everyone knows what that means.

I'm guessing the AA thing didn't work out?

Another bloody swizz.

Two meetings I sat through and still drink like a fish.

Why are we here?

I wonder if I could talk to you about some of the community work

we do with the church.

There's this constant need for help, you see,

and it's only getting bigger with the economic downturn.

Don't, don't, because I see it on a daily basis,

-the things people go through.

-Yes.

Expenses sheets queried, flying economy.

Hmm. We're doing some, I think, exceptionally valuable work.

We had to cancel the car service, Adam.

You can't call a cab to the building anymore,

you have to go out in the street and hail one, like a bastard.

I think I meant more the street people

who congregate around the church,

some of whom you'll have seen the other night at the meeting.

-I know what you're trying to do.

-You do?

You're trying to depress me into giving up booze again.

Actually, no.

I have this hole in my accounts. It's really a crazy situation,

but if I can't somehow plug that hole, then my position,

you see, all that valuable work is...

Rory

..under threat.

Emergency with the weather. What are the chances of snowfall?

The snow melted. I don't know where we are.

Darling, what's the postcode here?

E9.

You hear that, hmm, I know,

breathing apparatus, decontamination suit.

The whole country's after a hand-out. What does that breed?

Total lack of fiscal responsibility.

Yes, Marcus, could I please have £150?

I'm short in my church accounts.

There are people who depend on me in a genuinely life and death sense,

but I have no money and it's lovely that you have this disposable income

and I'm sure that's about expertise and hard work.

It's just this small amount to you would make a massive difference.

You've just pissed on our friendship.

I can't believe that you'd ask a mate for money.

Ah, there.

All right, mate.

Come on, matey.

Easy, easy. Come on.

# Rolling in the deep #

# You had my heart inside of your hand

# And you played it to the beat

# You could have had it all. #

Is your friend buying drugs in these premises, Adam?

Sorry, Gemma.

It's not even a DJ night.

-What?

-They called while you were out, it's gone.

-What?

-There is no more hostel.

The council held an emergency funding meeting last night,

withdrew their grant as of noon today.

How do they expect homeless people to stop being homeless,

if they keep shutting down the homeless hostels?

Big Society. Big Shit, they should have called it.

They said he could go on a council list.

"Difficult to rent accommodation can come up in three to six months."

You said two days.

KNOCKING

Mick?

Shh, good bit.

Mick, we should talk.

Yes.

He's not really dead.

You think he's dead, but he's not.

He is dead for a bit.

But he comes back. He has lunch.

It's the same as me and crack, Adam.

He rolls back a rock, right?

A rock - and everything's fine.

Well...

What?

Identifying with Jesus is just such a problematic business,

because I suppose you have your big moments, don't you?

But there's miracles and... and there's everything else.

It's just...

I'm not sure that life becomes this perfect, clean thing...

ever.

Is that what you wanted to talk about?

No.

Phew.

Miracles abound.

Yes, I meant to say I have a slight ache in my left shoulder blade.

Perhaps I could touch the hem of your garment?

Ha-ha, very funny!

I'm glad everything's back to normal.

I'll just see the Archdeacon out,

then we can reflect on the week's events.

Mick's gone.

He left the Freeview box, which I thought was quite sweet of him.

It's not the same without a telly.

I can't watch QI now.

What shall we do instead?

-Blimey.

-Gosh.

Where'd that come from?

We're just, we're very good at sex, especially me.

I think as well it was all that tension.

Having Mick in the house?

Yeah, that release of tension, I'm so glad he's gone.

So am I.

If you want, there's some people in that AA group,

we could invite them in and build tension.

-Don't joke about it yet.

-OK.

What I did was, I took...

Well, no, I stole money from you,

which is a terrible thing,

and also it was taking advantage of you when you were indisposed.

Yeah, I don't care about that.

Really?

I knew. I'm an investment banker.

I know when my wallet is 150 quid light.

Well, I must say you're being...

..less of a coked-up dickhead than you expected?

I'm back in the programme.

Oh, terrific.

False start before, that relapse there,

you know what I blame that on?

Lack of humility?

Other people.

I don't know, maybe they're right, maybe I am more of a tosser sober.

Unlikely, potentially impossible.

Nobody wants to deal with Marcus the person, Marcus the human being.

I am a human being.

I know you are, yeah, and I'm glad you're back in AA.

I imagine I'll be seeing you around the church, maybe even on Sundays?

Christ, no, I don't go here.

-I found a group up in Notting Hill.

-Oh, nice.

Yeah, good bunch, much more me.

Next door to a model agency,

so wall-to-wall pussy.

No, I only came to give you the repayment schedule on the 150.

Interest kicks in at the end of the month.

£7.25.

Ah, I've only got £7.15

£7.25

There, put that one back.

Do you have to scan them all again?

Yeah, I do.

-You can't just take the one...

-No, I can't.

I'm glad everything's back to normal.

Me, too.

See you later, Vicarage.

'About Mick, Lord, I did try to do more than give alms,

'it's just Alex wasn't having any of it, was she? You saw yourself.

'I mean, I'm in a difficult situation.

'Supposed to balance family needs with parishioners and it's not easy.

'And yes, OK, maybe it is nice to have our home back,

'and maybe I do find it easier to deal with Mick the crack addict

'than Mick the human being.

'Don't see why Mick shouldn't get another shot at recovery,

'Marcus did.

'Could you look after him, Lord, and take care of him?

'I still have to find that 150, don't I?'

See what it is, yeah, I'm a taxi driver,

but my car ran out of petrol, so...

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