Episode 4 Rev.

This programme contains some strong language.

So, any more questions on the Good Samaritan.

Yes?

Do Muslims go to heaven?

Oh, er, well, yes.

Yes, if they follow the Five Pillars of Islam.

Who knows the Five Pillars of Islam?

Saying prayers five times a day, of course,

giving money to those in need, making a special trip to Mecca.

and, um...

Oh, what are the other two? There's, er, there's two other pillars.

-Who knows them?

-Ramadan.

Yes, that's right. Well, done Headmistress.

Fasting during Ramadan, and one other pillar and then yes, they'll definitely got to heaven.

Their heaven, not our heaven.

Or maybe our heavens are the same.

Who knows.

There is no other God but Allah, and Muhammad is the messenger of God.

I'm sorry?

I think that's the Fifth Pillar you were looking for. The one you couldn't remember.

I might be wrong. It's your area, obviously.

I was thinking I should go on an "Understanding Islam" course

and I wanted to know if you could recommend any.

-You finished "Understanding Christianity"?

-I want to improve my religious literacy.

Don't you think you'd be better off doing some assertiveness training, or a basic accountancy course?

Cos I have the care of all the Muslim souls in the parish as well as the Christian.

Yes, you don't need to lecture me. I play interfaith football with Muslims, Jews and Catholics.

That sounds great.

It is. In fact the only people who aren't there are the Anglicans.

-Maybe that's why I enjoy it.

-Well, I'd like to get involved in that.

Talking of your lack of religious literacy, Ellie's denominational inspection is up soon, isn't it?

Yes.

Are you going to sail through?

-Oh, yes, definitely.

-Are you?

-Yes!

-Because I have never had a church school in my diocese fail a religious inspection,

and if it did, then the level of shame and disgrace heaped upon you

would make the Islamic vision of Sa'ir, the blazing inferno, seem like a Bishop's tea party.

-Don't worry. We'll sort it out.

-Sort it out? What isn't sorted out?

-It's fine. Nothing is! Everything is!

-Well, as sole clergyman on the Board of Governors,

I hold you entirely responsible for the school's result.

-We'll pass.

-We'll see.

Hi, Ellie.

-Quick thing - the hallway seems to have become a bit of shrine to football.

-Yeah.

Mr Feld got all the kids to make cardboard cut-outs of their heroes.

Oh well, that's great, but I found the school cross on the floor behind it.

I think it'd be better if that was up, don't you?

Yes. Sure. Sorry, Adam. God's more important than football!

Yes, he is, just about.

I only mention it because you've got your Denominational Inspection coming up.

-You're not worried, are you?

-No, you'll be fine.

No school in the diocese has ever failed it,

but we should get together some time and skip through it all.

-How exciting(!)

-The inspector will just want to discern a distinctive Christian character about the place.

Make sure you've prioritised Jesus Christ over Jose Mourinho.

Amen. Don't you like football?

No, I do. Au contraire. Very much so.

In fact I'm, er, putting together a team for a multi-faith football match myself in a couple of weeks.

You don't want to play, do you?

Do you want to see me in my shorts, Adam?

No.

No, no.

You could wear tracky bums.

I'll get Mr Feld to move the footballers.

-Oh, it was him, was it?

-Right, who wants to play football?

KIDS: Me!

The kids adore him.

Oh, apparently he was in Tranmere Rovers under-16s.

You should try and get him on your team.

One thing we should do is start monitoring each other's assemblies

-cos inspectors love to see how collective worship is monitored.

-OK.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hello.

Hi. Sorry to disturb.

Are you still happy for Year five to do a visit to the Science Museum after half term?

Yeah, if you can face logistics.

-Sure, not a problem. Shall we zip through it all later over coffee?

-Mm-hm.

Perhaps you could teach them all about the God particle.

Big Bang theory, the Hadron Collider. God Particle?

Oh, hi preacher.

No, I wouldn't want to do that.

I wouldn't want to teach them about anything there wasn't any firm proof of.

Yeah, stick to impressing them with keepy-uppy in the playground.

You've broken it.

Sorry. Were you meditating? How long have you been doing this?

30 seconds at a time.

No, I mean how long have you been practising meditation?

Four days now.

-Oh!

-I fell asleep in London Fields with an hangover the size of Texas

and a mouth like a fox's arsehole.

When I woke up, there was this medicine healing dude

doing this therapeutic healing thing mantra for people.

It turns out he was a Buddhist.

It's a lovely religion, isn't it, Adam? Do you know much about it?

I know a bit. I'm a fan.

Although I prefer a religion with a god.

Well, who's this Buddha then, if he's not a god?

Spiritual teacher from Nepal, I think it was.

I thought he was a big, fat God who liked curry and cakes.

Buddhism is more a way of life.

It's a good way of life though, isn't it?

Unlike Christianity, it's all about no violence and not telling lies.

-I got you these.

-No, I've quit.

Now I'm on a Buddhist path to nirvana.

Can't tempt you to stray from the path for five minutes?

Do you mind, Vicarage?

One name! Why hasn't anyone else signed up for our football team?

-Cos most of your congregation are women aged 60 with hip problems?

-There's just me and Steve Warwick!

OK, you can be in goal.

That is not a good idea.

-None of this is.

-Yes, it is.

Come on. We live in a world riven with intolerance. Sport can unify us.

Can we do bowls instead?

No! Interfaith bowling?

Come on. I've entered us for this football match.

I wanna meet my Jewish and Muslim counterparts.

There's a rich seam of yob violence associated with English football in a way that there isn't with bowls.

This is flash paper you're playing with, Adam. Watch out.

-Oh, shut up. Don't hide behind that just cos you're crap at football.

-Not, not hiding.

Just saying that it could easily tip into mindless sectarian violence.

No, come on. We need to man up here.

Part of the problem with the Church of England is it's just all too feminised.

-No, it isn't.

-Yes, it is.

It's a feminised institution.

Now, you're in goal.

Come on. We need two others.

-Colin will say yes, won't he? He'll jump at the chance of some ritualised violence.

-Yes, good.

-Colin, good.

-Ellie?

-No. I asked her.

She was tempted, but she said no.

I'll make an announcement at the end of the service.

I'll prepare myself for the rush of names(!)

I just think the idea that God implanted free will in the brains of slowly evolving primates,

-seems a little unlikely.

-Of course it's unlikely.

The incredible, inexplicable, awe-inspiring beauty of god's universe

is completely and miraculously unlikely.

Also, as far as I know,

nobody's invaded someone else's country yet in the name of science.

-Why do people with faith make you so angry?

-Don't make me angry.

Just think it's weird.

CAR HORN BEEPS

Argh!

Er, is it me or is Mr Feld a bit of dick with his cool hair and his bike?

Matty? No, he's great.

"Matty"!

Who's "Matty"?

Matthew Feld.

Well, to my amazement I see that "Matty" did a school assembly

on the "selfish gene" last week.

-It was very good.

-Perhaps I haven't made myself clear.

You need to take this Denominational Inspection seriously. Atheist assemblies on Dawkins

are not appropriate in a church school.

Matthew said that he was a Catholic when we appointed him.

He lied. He's clearly a rabid atheist.

-He was brought up a Catholic.

-He shouldn't have been appointed.

Yes, he should, cos he's a brilliant teacher.

He's taken my difficult year five and raised them six points in a term.

That is extraordinary. Now sit.

I monitored your assembly this morning.

Oh, good. And I did yours on Monday.

What mark did you give me?

Erm, I gave you a one for outstanding.

-Oh.

-I thought the children were engaged and you gave a good opportunity for spiritual reflection.

-Hmm. Thank you. I gave you a four for unsatisfactory.

-What?

I thought the kids weren't engaged. It was a bit "whatevs". That's what Courtney in year five said.

OK, well the good thing is we're monitoring each other.

That's what the inspectors will want to see.

Er, although if you did give me a one,

it would make it look as if there was better religious content of assemblies and help you pass.

OK, well, in that case, I'll put a one.

You were outstanding. Well, done.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hi. Sorry.

-Three of the kids are ill, so I'm moving the rock band club to Tuesday, OK?

-Yeah, that's fine.

Oh, and babes, don't forget we've got dinner tonight with Mark and Siobhan.

-Sure, see you later.

-Er, Matthew, could you do me a favour?

Could you put this cross up in the staff room? There's a denominational inspection coming up

and it would be a real help, wouldn't it, Ellie?

Yeah, sure. Where do you want it, Ells?

Over the door to the loo, is that the best place for it?

Leave it here. I'll do it.

Can I remind you that this is a Church of England school

with a Christian foundation, ethos and mission statement.

Yes, I know that. A C of E school where 60% of the kids are Muslim.

Well, he needs to watch it.

You need to take him in hand or he could jeopardise your inspection.

OK Adam, I will take him in hand later.

-How many of these wives are coming?

-Five, I think. Five vicars' wives.

-Why did I say yes, to this?

-I bet you enjoy.

-Bet you I don't.

I want to cut my head off with boredom already.

-Are you still happy to help with food for the football tomorrow?

-Yes.

-We've got to get it right,

we can't offend anyone, so no shellfish and no pork.

-Well, I'll cancel the lobsters.

-Ha ha ha(!)

-If there's any meat, it's got to be halal.

-Don't worry. I'll do a big boring vegetable curry.

OK. Good. Great. Just make it really, really bland.

Now, where am I gonna get my final player from?

DOORBELL RINGS

Tits! That's the first wife.

They're early. Who comes early?

Mm. You're the nasty one.

-Is nice vicar fella, what's his name in?

-Not now, Mick, I'm afraid.

Wait. What it is, right, I live a couple of doors down here and my wife is ill at the moment, poor cow.

Not cow. "Thing", yeah, and I need a taxi to get her there before nurse kills her

so, if you can lend your neighbour 20 quid?

Mick, I have a sneaky feeling you might spend the money on drugs.

Mm. Drugs for her, yeah, to help her get better, yeah.

So if you lend me, since we're friends?

Mick, I love the fact that we're friends, and I'm sorry your wife is ill,

but we all have our crosses to bear.

Mine right now is that I have to do drinks and nibbles for five very dull women, so would you please...

-And come back tomorrow. OK?

-No, no, wait. Come on, my wife's ill at the moment.

She's gonna die. I love her so much.

Mick...

can you play football?

If you come and play football with me tomorrow,

-you'll get free lunch and I'll buy whatever you're selling.

-What'd I have to do?

Just be here tomorrow at nine. That's all you've got to do.

Nine? Got it, yeah. Nine, and I get £40, £50, yeah?

Nine in the morning, Mick. In the morning.

Of course, vicar!

Count on me.

Come on in.

Er, it's not fancy dress, is it?

-Do you all dress up?

-No.

I am a vicar. Married to a vicar.

-Oh! Darling, er, this is Juliette, who in addition to being married to a vicar, is also a vicar.

-Oh!

Nice to meet you. What are the chances?

I know. Quite high.

Three of us coming tonight have been ordained.

We're like doctors that way, aren't we?

Well, you girls have fun.

I'm off to write my sermon.

So, would you like a drink?

Two and a half grand, then someone nicks it.

MUSIC AND LAUGHTER AUDIBLE

Then the nun said to St Peter, "If you think I'm gonna gargle with it

"after she's stuck her arse in it, you're very wrong!"

-Hi. Hi.

-Stuck her arse in it!

Er, I'm just off to bed now, so nice to meet you all and, er, see you again some time!

I've got a brilliant one.

MUSIC AND CHATTER AUDIBLE

'Oh, they're making so much noise, it's really annoying.'

Oh!

'Dear Lord, why is Ellie going out with that twatty Matty man?

'With those stupid jeans he wears that show his pants, and go all tight at the bottom.

'What do you call those jeans?

'Why do people think they look so cool, when they don't?

'I genuinely don't understand why people think they look so cool.

'And his stupid single speed bike with his tiny handle bars.

'I know it's none of my business, but I think she might be making a real error of judgement.

'Really looking forward to the multi-faith football tomorrow.

'I don't mind if we lose, but I really hope we make a mark and impress people.

'I must make sure the ecumenical curry is good.

'Why won't Alex shut up? Right, I'm gonna go and tell her to shut up.'

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

Darling, hi. Er, sorry, I don't mean to break things up at all.

-You off to bed again?

-No, I just want to remind you I've got inter-faith football in the morning.

Yeah, I'm only making curry for some fat dads. It's not a UN conference.

Ha! No it's just we need to leave early, we need to make the curry and it's nearly three now.

I'm just saying you've got to make a lot of curry in the morning.

That's all. Up to you.

MUSIC CONTINUES

Hello Colin. Feeling fit?

Yes, thanks. This is my Buddhist friend John.

-He's gonna help me serve the food today.

-OK, great.

Well, we've got the ecumenical curry.

It's all kosher and halal and wheat-free.

Oh, you look rough as, Mrs Vicarage.

-Are you playing in that?

-No, I'm not playing.

-What?

Yes. No, we need you in the team.

I don't believe in competitive sports now. I'm trying to build up my good karma.

Also, I'm not even sure if football is real.

It might just be something that we perceive as real...?

Colin, we need you. You said you'd play. We're only four players!

I never said I'd play. You all just assumed I would.

Nigel, did you ask Colin if he'd play football?

No, I just assumed he would.

I don't do things like that now. Anyway, you've got five players.

There's you, posh man, the crackhead, Nigel and your wife.

Alex isn't playing. She can't play.

-Why not?

-She's a girl. She'll be rubbish.

Right OK, thanks, Colin.

-Would you like to play?

-Fucking will play, and I'll be better than you.

Great.

Hello. Hi. Hi.

Hello, I'm, er, the Reverend Adam Smallbone. Hello. Hello.

Hello, hi, how are you. This is our first time.

It's a lot of fun isn't it?

Hi, hi, I'm, er, Father Adam.

We're from St Saviour's...

the Anglicans, in case you hadn't worked that out.

-Right. Hi.

-We're serving a curry for everyone afterwards if you want something to eat.

-We're waiting for the Catholics, they're running late.

-Yeah, because they're Italian!

Lutherans would be right on time, wouldn't they?

-No, the 406 is solid.

-Oh, is it.

Oh, right.

Well, this is fun, isn't it?

Bit of fun. Multi-faith Britain. Yeah, we never had this in Suffolk.

There they are... Vatican City.

-Shit, they look good.

-Yeah, they're the team to beat.

Do you bother with a ref at these things?

Good morning, everyone. Assalamu'alaikum.

Buongiorno. Shalom, ma nishma.

-Great to see you all.

-We're just waiting for our last player.

Let's get cracking, Mario. I've got lunch at the Wolseley.

Hi to the newbies. Don't expect any preferential treatment from me, Reverend Smallbone.

Today my Bible is the FA code of conduct.

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Here he is.

He's not Catholic! I know for a fact he's an atheist.

They've brought a ringer.

-Well, Matty's always played for the Catholics.

-I bet he has.

You know he was in Tranmere Rovers under 16s.

I know. It takes all five of us to man-mark him.

-All right, mate.

-All right.

-Hello, your Grace. I didn't know this sort of thing was your speed.

Yeah it is. Very much so.

-Hello, Ellie.

-Hi.

-Didn't know you were a bike rider.

Yeah. Matty built it for me.

Fits her beautifully.

Shall we go and knock up?

First up, St Saviour's versus Dalston Synagogue.

Where's Mick?

Someone find Mick. We're on. Mick!

Here I am.

Come on you Christians!

Come on you Christians!

1-0 Dalston Synagogue.

-WHISTLE BLOWS

-That was another goal!

WHISTLE BLOWS

4-0!

My ball, Mr Vicar!

And it's Mick to Mick. It's Mickety Mick. It's amazing Mick. Shoots!

-Scores!

-What are you doing, Mick!

-I've just scored.

-That was an own goal!

It's only a game, eh?

Next up, Canonbury Mosque versus St Saviours.

Come on Adam. Adam!

Mick, Mick!

Referee!

Nigel!

Ah, ah, ah, thank you.

BLOWS WHISTLE

Next up our Lady of Providence v Canonbury Mosque.

Hi. Listen, unless you better communicate that the school's leadership is broadly Christian,

then I think you're in real danger of failing the inspection on Monday.

Yes! Well, done Matty. Great goal!

Offside!

No school in the diocese has ever failed the inspection

and I don't think you fully realise the level of shame and disgrace that can come your way if you fail.

The shame and disgrace that will come my way or your way?

-The parents care more about Ofsted than the Denominational Inspections.

-You're completely wrong about that,

-and the diocese can make you take the test again and again and again if you fail.

-Nice move!

And your boyfriend is in danger of getting sacked.

What on earth were you thinking of letting a member of your staff refuse to teach RE?

-Your personal life's completed clouded your professional judgement.

-No. Yours has.

Well done, honey!

Come on team. We haven't won a single game.

Because we haven't scored a single goal.

-I scored one.

-Yeah, in the wrong net.

This is our last chance. The Catholics are clearly the best.

If we can beat them, then we'll be heroes, so let's do it. Do it. Do it!

Do it for me, do it for yourselves, do it for St Saviours,

but most of all, let's do it for our kind liberal God,

who loves women and gays

and not their vain, tasteless, demanding god who loves gold and supported the Nazis.

And someone hobble Matty!

Come on!

Nigel, what was that?

You drip. You're shit!

Keep your eyes open! Man up! Put your sports face on!

We're gonna get humiliated here!

Come on!

Oh, dear, god has forsaken you!

Oh, they've lost their shape.

Hey, foul!

-Play on.

-Referee! Foul! You don't know what you're doing!

You don't know what you're doing!

-Would you like some lentils?

-Fuck off!

-Nothing after death, Adam. Just you wait and see.

-You wait and see!

Alex, you all right? Hold it, lads. She's not well.

Do you need to sit down?

ALEX COUGHS AND RETCHES

-You OK?

-I'm fine, thanks.

Come on, vicarage... Come on Adam!

Go on mate, go on. Go on!

Come on!

Yes, yes!

Goal! Goal! Goal!

BLOWS WHISTLE

-We stopped playing.

-There was no whistle. Play to the whistle.

-Not my fault that you stopped. Ha! Oh, yes.

-Goal stands.

Loser, loser, loser.

No, it's just 1-1.

HUBBUB

Hey! Come on!

ARGUING CONTINUES

BLOWS WHISTLE

Full time!

Are you coming next week?

The inspector's arrived. You still doing your assembly on the Good Samaritan?

Yes. Where's Matthew today? He wasn't in your staff meeting.

-Er, not here yet. It doesn't matter. Kate's got year five first.

-Er, no.

There was a clear directive that every teacher needs to be in for this assembly.

-He's deliberately failed to turn up to undermine me.

-No he hasn't.

-< Oh, yes, good morning.

Right, there's the inspector. Given everything you've told me about the importance of this,

your assembly this morning better get a one for bloody brilliant.

Ah! Good morning.

CHILD SOBS

Are you all right?

Mr Feld fell off his bike.

Oh, dear.

He's dead.

A lorry killed him.

It's very difficult to know

what to say at times like this.

We won't be seeing Mr Feld

again here...

..because Matthew's gone somewhere else now.

Matthew didn't believe in heaven...

..but I do.

I don't know what it is...

..but I do know a story that gives me an idea.

It's a story

about a lot of little...bugs that lived at the bottom of a river

and every now and then,

one of the bugs would crawl up a plant up through the water into the light,

and he'd never be seen again by his friends.

And one day, one special little bug felt that he wanted to crawl up the plant too.

So he did.

He crawled up the plant, through the water, into the light...

..and he turned into an amazing colourful dragonfly...

..and he flew around the air,

and he was the happiest he'd ever been.

But when he tried to fly back down into the water to tell his bug friends how wonderful it was,

he found he couldn't.

He couldn't get down into the water any more, because...

he wasn't a bug any more.

He was a dragonfly.

And this upset him...

..until he remembered that one day,

all his friends would crawl up the plant too, and join him in the sun.

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