Episode 3 Rev.

Oh...er...errrr...

Oh.

Darling, are you all right?

Yes...mmm.

Mmm.

Mmmm.

Hello, Adam.

Oh, yeah, that's nice.

She's gorgeous, isn't she?

It is very hot down there.

Argh!

She's only staying with us for two days, isn't she?

I know, but she's your god-daughter and I want to give her a treat.

I'm really excited about it.

We're going to do face-painting and make-up and glittery nails.

And I thought I could take her to the city farm, and we can make perfume, and do a treasure hunt.

-Go to the sandpit.

-Bloody hell Alex, well done.

-All I'd thought of was the Imperial War Museum.

-Mm.

DOORBELL RINGS That'll be her.

Hello.

Tim.

Hello, mate. Thanks so much for doing this.

That's her clothes, and some of her toys,

-music...

-Oh, right.

-DVDs, books, iPod.

Bedtime's at eight, if you're lucky.

Worst case, just stick her in front of Ben 10 and she'll be happy.

No, we won't do that. Alex has got lots of things planned, face-painting, and...

OK. Ooh!

You'll definitely need Albert, in case she gets scared.

Paris!

Hello, Enid, darling.

You've grown up, haven't you?

How are you?

Shut up.

I hate you.

MUSIC: "Sunday Shining" by Finley Quaye

It's actually hotter here than in St Kitts today, it's 33.4 degrees C.

That's over 92 degrees Fahrenheit.

Has this window ever been opened?

PHONE RINGS

Nigel.

OK.

Nigel!

St Saviour in the Marshes.

Who is it?

Hello, Joan.

Oh, dear, that sounds awful.

No, we don't really do that, Joan.

OK?

OK, yeah. Bye.

I can't sleep with the heat.

I lie there naked with the sheets thrown off.

Still wake up in a puddle of wetness.

What does she want?

Joan?

Some weird stuff about seeing a ghost in her room and wanting an exorcism.

Is she upset?

I suppose.

-If she's crying, she's upset, isn't she?

-Well, if she's upset, we should go round and see her.

She thinks there's a ghost. You don't believe in ghosts, do you?

No. She's just moved into a nursing home.

She's feeling very dislocated, probably psychosomatic.

I see. Enlightened rationalist approach.

Come on, let's go and make her feel better.

-We'll do a simple house blessing.

-Shouldn't we prepare for the DAC meeting? That's far more important.

The architect's final plans have come in. Everyone's fed up with this church not having a loo.

-Lord knows what they did in Georgian times.

-They held it in.

I'm fed up with flogging it over to the park or the kebab shop every time I need a widdle.

We'll make sure we get our loo. That's for Monday.

Come on. We'll pop next door to Wedmore House and cheer her up, poor old thing.

I bought these endurance shorts, lightweight, with an air-free membrane for freedom of movement.

Still get sticky in them.

If the place really is haunted, we'd need to call the diocesan exorcist. That's procedure.

But it really isn't haunted.

Have you ever met the Reverend Donald Cake?

No. I heard he's barking.

He caused £20,000 worth of damage at the last place he exorcised,

before they discovered the bumps in the night were a draughty fireplace.

Well, exactly. See? We don't need Donald's special skills.

We'll say a few prayers for Joan and bless her room.

That's what people always want.

Bit of ritual.

Placebo prayer. Got you.

Oh, it's blistering, isn't it?

I'm getting a rash.

Here we are, God's waiting room.

-Did you know it was built on the site of London's first dentistry clinic?

-Mmm.

THEY HUM "THE EXORCIST" THEME MUSIC

THEY ABRUPTLY STOP HUMMING

There she is.

After you.

She's your old woman.

Hello, Joan.

Hello, Alan.

It's not church again, is it?

HE LAUGHS

Shh! Alan's come to see ME, actually.

It's Adam. Hello, Derek.

Is he your boyfriend?

HE LAUGHS

Don't humour him.

Come on, let's skedaddle.

DEREK CONTINUES TO LAUGH

I hate this place.

I hate the other residents.

They're all so old.

And you won't believe it, but I think this place is haunted.

I feel a negative presence.

I see things.

I'm sorry, Joan.

Tell me what's been going on.

I've been having these terrible nightmares.

There's a laughing man standing over my bed at night.

That sounds horrible.

I've been having nightmares in the heat, too.

I had a very odd dream last night about a fireman.

This is real.

I think this...this laughing ghost wants to hurt me.

That man Derek laughs a lot, doesn't he? With his strange laugh. Does he ever come in here?

No, no, I wouldn't let him.

When the ghost is coming, there's a banging on the wall.

Then in the morning when I wake up, all my sheets have been pulled back.

It's as if the laughing man wants to stare at my naked body.

Naughty ghost.

-Oh!

-OK, Joan.

We'll say some prayers to banish the ghost and send him to a happier place.

Is it an exorcism?

It is.

Sort of.

It's a blessing to drive away unhappy spirits.

Visit, we beseech thee, O Lord, this place,

and drive far from it all the snares of the enemy.

Let thy holy angels dwell herein and preserve us in peace,

and may thy blessing be upon us evermore,

through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.

-Amen.

-You are the Devil's concubine.

Begone! I cast you out in the name of the Lord.

Begone, unclean spirit!

-The power of Christ compels you!

-Nigel. Nigel...

Please!

Will you leave it to the real vicar?

Brilliant, Nigel. Thanks for your help.

I was helpful, actually. The banging will stop.

Her radiator is the notoriously unreliable Warminster CP3,

and it badly needed bleeding.

What?

-You don't believe in ghosts?

-No.

Are you mad?

I've never seen one.

Well, you've never seen God, but you believe in him.

But I see God everyday, everywhere.

I see God in...in these butterflies.

I see God in that crisp packet.

You see God in that crisp packet?

OK, maybe not the crisp packet.

What about the Holy Ghost?

Now there's a ghost you believe in.

But that's the Holy Spirit, that's a term for God's energy.

And believing, for me, is more like trusting.

I trust in God.

I don't trust in ghosts.

If you'd seen what I've seen, Adam, you'd believe in ghosts.

I'll tell ya, I've seen some strange shit.

Have you? What have you seen?

Well... When this happened to me.

Oh, my God, Colin, how did you get that?

Shark attack.

A shark attack?

Loan shark.

Mad Tony did this to me when he caught me banging his wife in a Renault Espace.

I ended up in Salford Royal.

Intensive care.

There was this bloke in the bed next to me who'd been shot.

Half his brain was hanging out.

One night, I looked over at him,

and these pale, white figures were standing over his bed,

scary-looking figures, just staring at him.

Next morning he was dead.

Were they doctors?

Here you go, Enid, darling.

Shall we take your fun horns off now?

No! I hate you.

There's your supper. Fish fingers, carrots and chips.

I hate fish fingers.

They're quite nice fish fingers, Enid, I promise. I just had one. Mm.

Where's Mummy gone?

Mummy's gone for a special weekend in France for a wedding,

which means that you get to stay with us for the weekend, lucky girl.

I hate you, and I hate you.

If you eat up all those up, I'll read you a story after supper.

I hate stories.

DOORBELL RINGS

See, what it is, yeah, see, what it is, yeah...

-I think I'm possessed, vicar.

-What?

I hear you is doing exorcism now.

No, I'm not.

Oh, man, I'm possessed! There's a demon inside me.

Oh, here he comes.

Ooooooooh...

HE MAKES GROWLING NOISES

I'm a demon.

I've possessed Mick,

and he will be cursed and go to hell unless you give him 20 quid.

-Demon...

-20 quid.

I'm afraid I can't give 20 quid,

because it would mean that you've won,

and it would encourage you to do it more.

OK...

I will spin his head right round, then.

HE MAKES GROANING NOISES

-Give him 20 quid.

-Mick...

If I give you a frozen pizza, will you go away?

Aargh!

Vicar!

ENID SCREAMS

MICK SCREAMS

ENID SCREAMS

I've decided we shouldn't have a child.

HE CHUCKLES

Quite right.

What are you doing?

Hello Enid, are you OK?

I'm scared. I want Albert.

Oh.

See?

You're all safe now.

You've got Albert the Dragon to scare away the monsters.

TOY MAKES LAUGHING NOISE

He's just here.

Guarding the door, keeping you safe.

Night-night.

Sleep well.

(I hate you.)

Hello, Adam.

Archdeacon. What are you doing?

Having a poo in your loo.

Would you like to have a look?

Must I?

I poo snakes.

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

'Dear lord, why are you sending me these horrible dreams?

'Is it like when you sent Zachariah those night visions?

'They represented something, didn't they?

'I've never understood them, to be honest,

'but this is just the heat, isn't it?

'It's certainly making Nigel grumpier than usual.

'Or...

'..are you trying to tell me that I'd be a useless father?

'Maybe Alex and I shouldn't be trying to have a child.

'Is that what you're trying to say?

'I do find Enid incredibly irritating.

'Mm, something wrong with my teeth.'

How are you finding the place, Joan?

Better?

I don't want to be here any more.

The man visited me again in the night.

He's still laughing at me.

It's frightening.

You said you'd done an exorcism, but it didn't work.

Sorry.

Are you absolutely sure the laughter isn't something else?

Derek?

Playing silly buggers?

No...

Derek died yesterday.

Bless him.

Alan...

Do you think there is a Heaven?

Yes.

If there is, what is it?

It's hard to find words for it or give it a shape without sounding trite.

But...I do believe that it's nothing to be scared of.

I don't know what Heaven's like, Joan.

But I can tell you that I will stay with you,

and accompany you,

until you get there.

Maybe I'm not going to Heaven.

I've done some bad things.

Shameful.

I've had a lot of sex with married men.

I think the Lord will forgive you for that.

He won't if he doesn't exist.

Recorder!

-Ugh!

-Ow!

-Ugh!

Look, you can play the recorder later.

-I don't have another dress, Enid, you'll have to wear these.

-No!

-I want to play the recorder!

-Ohhh.

Oh, look, your lovely godfather's home from work.

He can play with you now.

Auntie Alex needs some of her special medicine.

Recorder!

Busy day? Your child.

Recorder!

OK.

There you are.

SHE PLAYS TUNELESSLY

That's very good.

Very...loud.

-Enid, if you put your fingers on the...

-My recorder!

Yes, that's funny, yeah.

If you put your... SHE PLAYS HARSH NOTES

Enid.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'm not lingering. Michel Roux Junior wants to show me his pop-up.

But I hear you've done an exorcism.

No.

RECORDER PLAYS TUNELESSLY Come in. We've got a child.

Can you buy them now?

Boo.

That's it, run along.

So, did you banish the spirit?

-Um... Well, I'm not sure there was a spirit to be honest.

-No, really?

You know the terrible history of Wedmore House, of course?

No. What is the terrible history?

-You don't know it? The terrible history of Wedmore House?

-No. Was it an asylum for insane nuns?

No, your nursing home was originally London's first dentistry clinic.

Oh, was it?

Yes, it was founded by a Dr Lambings,

who also, interestingly, was a pioneer of anaesthesia.

-And do you know what happened to Dr Lambings?

-Did he get a knighthood?

No, he experimented on himself with nitrous oxide, laughing gas,

to which he became chronically addicted.

And they say the ghost of poor Dr Lambings

still wanders the corridors at Wedmore House laughing maniacally.

And this is where you attempted your exorcism.

I admire you for messing with the dark side, Adam.

-With forces beyond our understanding.

-Thanks.

You believe in ghosts, don't you?

Well, I don't know, kind of. Do you?

Oh, I do.

Yes, I believe in ghosts. I've seen things.

-Really? Have you?

-No, of course not, you idiot.

That story's nonsense. I just made half of it up.

Oh, I'm not saying there aren't ghosts, of course.

Who knows?

But given that you haven't a clue what you're doing,

will you please leave exorcisms to those who do.

OK, sorry, yes, I will.

Good.

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

DOOR SLAMS

DOORBELL RINGS

-Hi, Colin.

-Hello, Adam. Got a problem with your microwave?

Thanks, Colin. I didn't know you were working now.

Yep. Me own business.

Doing very nicely.

Scorcher, isn't it?

This should sort it.

Hang on, mate.

You've cooked your own child.

Adam, she's gone! Where's Enid gone? You've lost her.

What? No!

-You've lost her?

-Where is she? You'd be a terrible father.

-Yes, a terrible father.

-A terrible father!

-This isn't a dream.

This is really happening. ALL: Terrible father!

Aargh!

The doctor will see you now.

Open wide, Adam.

Open wide for me.

Where's Enid?

-DRILL STARTS

-Is she safe?

What have you done with her?

Ahhh...

Is she safe?

DRILL BLENDS WITH RECORDER NOISE

ENID SCREAMS

OK Tim, no, bad luck. Bloody French. No, no, no, it's no problem.

Just get here as soon as you can. Yeah.

Oh, no, she's lovely. No, we love her.

Yeah, OK. Bye.

HE SIGHS

-French are on strike. Chunnel's closed. Can we look after Enid until tonight?

-That's not good enough.

They'll have to catch a ferry or swim the Channel.

If I have to try and dress that child once more, I will not be responsible for her injuries.

-I'll do it. Can you take her to work today?

-What?

I can't take her to church.

I've a really important meeting with the Archdeacon and English Heritage so we can have a loo put in.

-You'll have to take her to that meeting. Nigel can look after her.

-I'm not leaving a child with Nigel.

It's a really important meeting. We desperately need the loo. Can't you take her?

I'm going to Pentonville Prison

to try and help a man who murdered his wife get a room transfer.

RECORDER PLAYS She's your godchild.

RECORDER PLAYS

Enid...

TOY MAKES LAUGHING NOISE

-Ellie, you must know someone who can look after her.

-Albert wants a drink.

Oh, no! These are vital architect's plans.

You're a teacher, that's what you do, isn't it, look after kids for people?

-No, about two and a half hours.

-Let go!

Cos we've got a meeting with the DAC about the...

Nigel, do not hit... Sorry, I'll have to call you back. You cannot do that.

She hit me first.

We cannot have this child in the meeting, or we will not get our toilet. It's vital for the church.

-I want a wee-wee.

-Well, maybe if you hadn't poured smoothie all over the plans,

-we might get permission to build a toilet and you could go.

-BLOWS RECORDER

Young lady...!

-Can you take her to the loo in the park?

-I don't think so. She's your godchild.

No, wait for me. Wait for me...

Enid. Wash your hands now.

Don't touch me! Leave me alone!

Enid!

SHE SCREAMS

Enid, if you stop screaming, I'll buy an ice cream.

SHE SCREAMS

Joan!

-Hello, how are you?

-I escaped from the asylum.

I should be watching Flog It with the lunatics, but I climbed the wall.

Who's this?

This is my lovely god-daughter, Enid.

-You're a sweetheart, aren't you, darling?

-Yes.

Yes.

Joan, could you do me a big favour? I've got a really important meeting this afternoon...

And you want me to take her to the park for you. Come on.

Come on now.

Bastards won't let me put in a toilet,

simply because it means removing the memorial plaque of Sir Roger de Twatface,

someone who no-one's ever heard of apart from two bores from English Heritage.

Bastards.

-Oh, hi, Tim.

-Yes, Tim's here.

Tim, how are you? Good trip?

Yes, thanks.

I do hope Enid wasn't a terrible terror.

No, no.

She's just, um...

I'll just pop and get her.

She's just...at the sandpit with Adoha.

No worries.

I'll be back in a sec.

Joan, hi, it's Adam.

Er, I'm just on my way to get Enid from you,

I do hope you get this.

If she's there, could you keep her with you?

OK, bye.

KNOCKS AT DOOR Joan, where's Enid?

Joan...? Where's Enid? Wake up.

-Oh, hello.

-Where's Enid?

Where is she?

I don't know. She was here.

Enid!

Joan, where is she?

Where's Enid?

Enid!

Excuse me, has anyone seen a little girl called Enid?

Five years old. She was here, friend of Joan's?

SNORING

Have you seen a little girl called Enid?

-She was here in Joan's room.

-No.

-If you see her, keep hold of her. Don't let her go.

-OK.

'Dear Lord, where is she?

'Where is she?

'I've got to find her.

'I'd be a terrible father.'

Enid?

'I know she's an incredibly annoying, ghastly, spoilt little girl, but please make her safe.

'I can't believe I've done this.

'Urgh, I feel sick.'

FAINT LAUGHTER

'I feel sick, I want to vomit.

'Where's she gone?

'What will I say to Tim?

'They'll never forgive me if their child has been abducted.

'I know she's really annoying, but I didn't want this.

'What if she's...

'Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

'Oh, my god, maybe the laughing ghost has got her,

'the lunatic drug-addled maniac dentist of Wedmore House.'

Enid... this isn't funny. MANIACAL LAUGHTER

Don't be funny.

Enid?

Is that you?

DENTIST'S DRILL SOUND

SOUND DIES DOWN

FAINT LAUGHTER

HE SIGHS

'Thank you, Lord.'

TOY MAKES LAUGHING SOUND

Thanks so much, guys. You've gone straight to the top of our babysitting list now.

THEY LAUGH

Bye-bye.

You have Albert, in case you get scared in the night.

I can't have him.

Yes, in case you see the laughing man.

Well, thank you, Enid.

-Come on.

-Bye-bye.

-Bye.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

'Dear Lord, please don't send me nightmares tonight.

'I don't know if I believe in ghosts,

'but if you choose to give us our own child...

'..I'll give them Albert.'

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