Farm Rhod Gilbert's Work Experience


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Farm

The Welsh stand-up comedian finally gets a proper job and tries out working on a farm. Can he really clean up in the cowshed or will the excrement hit the fan?


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Transcript


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I'm Rhod Gilbert, stand-up comedian.

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People tell me I've got the toughest job in town

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but I'm sure I'll find other things far more difficult.

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So I'm ditching my regular job and trying something completely different.

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This is my Work Experience.

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This programme contains adult humour and some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting.

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All I knew was I was going to a dairy farm so I needed to practise milking something.

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Unfortunately the only thing I found to milk was my flatmate, comedian Lloyd Langford.

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-Ugh!

-That's the way Lloyd, you're doing well now.

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-You need to warm your hands up.

-You need to warm your udders up.

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You've lost your rhythm there.

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I have lost my rhythm now. It's not as easy as it looks, farming.

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I'm not an expert, but I don't think it should be coming out

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of that part of the teat!

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Look at that, our cup overfloweth, Lloyd.

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Milking Lloyd with his rubber-glove udders gave me an invaluable insight

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into the difficulties I would face working with real cows.

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This is going to be pretty brutal. It's early mornings, it's manual labour.

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Look at me, I've got hands like a snooker referee, not a farmer.

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It's a million miles away from what I do.

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The closest I've come to being a farmer is when

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I do a gig in England and somebody does a sheep noise at me.

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This is the farmyard and judging by the smell, I'm in the right place.

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'The thought of being a farmer made me as happy as a crated veal calf.

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'This pretty West Wales farm belonged to the Robinsons

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'and would be my home for the next few days.'

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-Hi.

-Hi, I'm Ginsey

-Hi, Rhod. I've been tiptoeing all the way here through the muck.

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-Yeah, you need wellies.

-I do.

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'Luckily Ginsey was packing rubber - wellied up, we went to meet husband David.'

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-You have a weather cow, that's unusual.

-I don't know how accurate it is.

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-If the BBC can't get it right, I'm not sure a cow can do it.

-Ha-ha, yeah.

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Hello. David.

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-Yes, hi.

-Hello, Rod.

-Hello.

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You've met your wife, Ginsey?

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'David had been farming all his life.

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'For a few days I would be his poo-spattered apprentice.'

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It's typical, you've turned up after all the morning work's been done.

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-I'm very good at that. What am I going to have to do?

-Anything that's going.

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-I've got a list.

-OK, what's a normal morning?

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Milking, feeding the animals, bedding them down, clean the cows, feed the cows...

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'David's day sounded like a shopping list of all my fantasies.

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'I was too turned on to listen properly.

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'Something about milking a sheep, feeding a log and bedding a tractor.

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'One of the bulls recognised his late wife in my leather jacket,

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'so I picked something from David's "Farmani" collection.'

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I look like a slightly farmery version of the Red Devils.

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Come here.

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You didn't pay me any attention in my London gear, now look at me!

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Like one of the family, eh?

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'As a trainee farmer, my benefits package included a head-turning company car.'

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-Take a seat.

-The seat I can do, I know where the seat is.

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Seat, steering wheel, after that I'm lost.

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You have a key there that starts it.

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You pull the red button to stop it.

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You have a horn... Spool valve control there, a spitter box, PTO.

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Deflock, two-wheel drive, four-wheel-drive, left hand PTO, it's now off.

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The gears in the normal position is one, straight back you get three.

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Normally where you get three in a car you've got two, go straight back and you've got reverse.

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All fairly straightforward. Turn the key and it will start.

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I'll level with you, I zoned out about four minutes ago.

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-Right.

-Key?

-Yes.

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ENGINE STARTS

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Oh, we're racing now.

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I can field the wind in my hair.

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'I may have looked like a shit- stained Stig, but this wasn't Top Gear, this was the Tractor Factor.'

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-You have to reverse it now through that gate.

-Really?

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What could possibly go wrong?

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This way.

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-Totally the wrong way.

-No!

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Totally the wrong way.

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Why is it going that way?

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Why is it turning? I've got the bloody wheel straight.

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-It's absolutely impossible, what ever I do that trailer goes where it wants to go.

-Whoa!

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I almost hit the car.

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Whoa...no, don't do that!

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He's been trying for about half-an-hour to get that trailer through this gateway.

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I've had enough of this! Argh!

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This is the one, it's a bit tight.

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I know this isn't how you wanted it, but it's in. The bloody thing's in, you can't complain about that.

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It's your trailer, David, there's something wrong with it.

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-Take it back, I would, take it back. Have you got the receipt?

-Um...

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What sort of dung is this David? Not that it makes a great deal of difference to be honest with you.

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When you've had one forkful of shit thrown in your face you've had them all!

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This is the reality of a stable.

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You never have some kid coming home going,

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"You'll never guess who they've cast me as in the nativity play, Mother.

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"They've given me this fork and I've got to shovel calf dung all the way through the performance".

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'It might sound strange, given I was inhaling neat cow's urine, but a little bit of me was enjoying this.'

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Come on! Never in the cesspit of human history has so much dung been shifted by so few.

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I am the farmer, eat my dung.

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'But just as I was starting to enjoy it, it all went a bit CSI Llandissilio -

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'a neighbour's sheep had been attacked by dogs and David had been called in to deal with it.'

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I'm going to quickly, as they say, put it out of its misery.

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The sheep had been so badly mauled by the dogs

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there was no chance of recovery.

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GUNSHOT

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-Is that it?

-Yes.

-Dead?

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Yes, that's what the dogs have done to it.

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-The dogs did that?

-Yes.

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It's sort of...bringing me quite close to tears.

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-The poor thing.

-Mm.

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He just put that sheep to sleep and just to cheer us up we've come to have look at some piglets.

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Ow! I just got bitten on the arse by a cow.

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I tell you what, this is the highs and lows of farming in microcosm, isn't it?

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We've just put a sheep to sleep and now look at these.

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-So these pigs will be eaten - bacon, gammon?

-Yes.

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-Sausages! Sausages! Sausages!

-PIG GRUNTS

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He is, he's saying it!

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They're marvellous because they can eat the banana skins, apple cores, scraps.

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-Nature's recycler?

-Yes.

-Never mind all these green bags with food waste, just stick it in a pig?

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-Stick it through a pig.

-Oh, she's having a pee.

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Get away piglets. Look at that!

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They're too curious for their own good.

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Get back, it's not the Trevi Fountain!

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-When you've got to go...

-On the nose!

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You've got to go when you got to go.

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I know, but you don't have to go on your kids.

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'Back at our farm I had to get over to the cowshed

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'so David taught me how to tell a cow's arse from its elbow.'

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Rhod, you're off to spread the straw, but when you walk past the cows,

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give them a quick scratch as you walk by.

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It lets them know you're there so they won't kick you.

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If they don't know I'm there they won't kick out.

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No logic in that, they wouldn't kick if they didn't think I was there.

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Yes, but if you actually startle a cow she'll kick.

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Basically I've got to make my way through this,

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it's like some kind of... some kind of walk of death.

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How do I get through here?

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Scratch, scratch, scratch. Don't kick me, please.

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COW MOOS

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This is what would happen if Harrison Ford was on Emmerdale.

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Oh!

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They're closing ranks.

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Come on, I'm supposed to be the farmer, I'm supposed to be in control of this situation.

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This is and Animal Farm, get out of the way.

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Only me!

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I've got to be very careful as well because

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there's two ends to a cow, one of them you see on butter adverts.

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And the other one's the one I'm worried about.

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I'm not scratching you, look at the state of you.

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Room service!

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Don't move. Relax.

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My arms are absolutely on fire.

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I hope you appreciate this.

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Oi, I haven't finished with that!

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Don't eat your bed.

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'Evening and my biggest challenge so far, 50 milky space hoppers, one confined space.

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'It was time to put everything I'd learned milking Lloyd into practice.'

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It's quite scary being around them and you never know quite what's going to happen.

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'If Lloyd had done that when I milked him, I'd have doubled his rent.'

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Right, watch, Rhod. Left-hand just to let her know I'm there

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and give each teat a good wipe.

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Squeeze a bit of milk on the floor to see they're working properly.

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Right, now your turn.

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I'm here.

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Clean, clean, clean - this feels so wrong!

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Eugh!

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I'm here, don't worry it's only me.

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Really unpleasant.

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I don't like it.

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Is it still working?

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You're back left one's off. Put the back left one on, please.

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-Right, now you have to put the cluster on.

-It's only me.

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This is the cluster. Got to try and get this on to this cow.

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-Get it on nice and quietly.

-Pop your little teat in there.

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HISSING SOUND

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Have it back!

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Yeah, all right.

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Then you do the next one, and the next one, and the next one until they're all finished.

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And stand back and let one in.

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Right, going to let another one in.

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They are enormous animals

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and it is quite scary being near the back of them.

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Go into slot two, please.

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Oh no, not you. Oh no, not you.

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-Stand back, stand back.

-Excuse me, would you mind?

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-Oh no, not another one, no, no.

-Just be quiet.

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Oh, no!

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-If you make too much noise they'll all start.

-Really?

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They started it, if they stop doing it I'll stop making a noise.

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Argh! Get off!

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-Sorry.

-Now look what you've done.

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I'll just conduct while these lot just...

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MUSIC: "Infernal Gallop" by Offenbach

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Instead of an orchestra and violinists and cellists,

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I simply have cows' anuses and diarrhoea.

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You can't blame her not wanting to come in.

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If I was in the kitchen and my mother did that in the lounge, I wouldn't come in either.

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'I regretted making so much noise -

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'I think I'd rather go for a drink with Jeremy Kyle

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'than muck this place out again.

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'Luckily my next job was less traumatic.'

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You must be yesterday's calf?

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Hey, come on.

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You're only a day old, you can't have an attitude.

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-Go on...

-CALF MOOS

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Come on, it's nice. Come here.

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-Enough of this.

-Straddle it.

-Straddle it, OK.

-That's it.

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Come here.

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I'm not going to ride you.

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'Even this little newborn dairy bull rumbled me. He wasn't born yesterday.

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'Well, he was, but he could still tell I was no farmer.'

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Come here.

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Make the most of it I won't be here... Oh, sorry, sorry. Sorry.

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Just to comply with EU rules, this calf has to be tagged.

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That's my herd number, and that's the calf number.

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-Is this going to hurt her?

-Yes.

-Oh...

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OK, OK, sh, there we are.

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Come here. Come here.

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But it really hurts if you catch your finger skin in there.

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I don't care about you, David.

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No offence.

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Hey, come here, come here.

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Come here, 344. HE did it. Come here.

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I was his mum for a few minutes, I fed him and then he got his ears pierced.

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Like most kids, once they get their ears pierced they become stroppy teenagers

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and want nothing to do with their parents. That's their gratitude.

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You've changed. Come here, you're not David Bowie.

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'I'd worked harder than a skunk's PR man today.

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'Apparently the best way to unwind was by shooting a rabbit in the face.'

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We've come out to shoot rabbits, if there's any around.

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You want to go to Oxford Services.

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-Lots there, are there?

-There's hundreds, just off the A40.

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It's a bit too far to go tonight.

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Yes, and they don't like it if you start shooting in the car park.

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How many rabbits would you normally expect to get on a night like this, David?

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You'd see a couple of little bright eyes there.

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-Bright eyes burning like fire?

-No, they're sort of a greeny colour.

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No, it's a song.

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-Oh, right.

-RHOD LAUGHS

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Bright eyes, they're a sort of greeny colour, isn't a very good song, to be honest David.

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# Bright eyes... #

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'Our pest control efforts were thwarted.

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'The rabbits had all gone to bed early to do what rabbits do best.

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'So we headed to the town's premier nightspot instead.'

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This is a very calm place, isn't it?

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This should be available as therapy on the NHS. Instead of whale music

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and wind chimes relaxation CDs should be cows getting ready for bed.

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Stick this on a DVD, A Cowshed At Night.

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But you're only getting one dimension, half of the dimension is being there and feeling the cow.

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-You only get half a dimension with the whale music as well, to be fair.

-True, yes.

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-You would drown if you were with them.

-All right, David, all right!

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Sorry. You're always so pragmatic.

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'Missing one dimension, we gave the cows a quick feel,

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'read them a story and kissed the pretty ones good night.

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'Next day I was literally lactating with excitement.

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'When you've dreamt about to place this often, the reality can be a let-down,

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'but Carmarthen cattle market was everything I'd imagined.

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'Auctioneer John revealed all.'

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Right, Rhod, the calf ring...

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What's going on with all that shouting?

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We'll go up there now, that's the sale ring.

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'As the calves arrived, the crowd went wild. It was like Beatlemania.'

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AUCTIONEER SPEAKS QUICKLY

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Why is it that fast?

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Basically you've got 450 or 500 cows to sell in a few hours,

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-so they've got to get through them.

-He stressing me out just listening to him.

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They're on the beef calves at the minute.

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-Richard has valued that calf at £100.

-Careful, it looks like you're bidding there.

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He won't take a bit of me, don't worry.

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There's a massive variation in what the calves make.

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The bottom will be £20 and the top will be £350.

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That's a bargain, a calf for £20 - you couldn't knit it for that, John. Look at this white one.

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That is a dairy beef calf. A dairy bull.

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He's not a particularly good one.

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-A dairy bull - so he's a boy with no nipples?

-Absolutely.

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At £28, I suggest he'll probably end up in an abattoir in Chippenham tomorrow morning.

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Tomorrow morning?

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It turned out dairy was a sexist world where the boys were worthless.

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Dairy bulls were destined to be dog food.

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-Yeah, the fingers move.

-That's a bid, is it?

-There's a wink.

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-Just a look occasionally.

-Just a look?

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How do you know if somebody's looking at you or if they're just...

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Let's have a look. There it is. There's the bid, there's the bid.

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There's a guy up there, sort of, got his hands in his pockets,

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rummaging around, or is he just over-excited by the calves?

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Next up, we met Sandra, a sizzling Page 3 dairy stunner.

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All about dairy character.

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What's dairy character?

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The...capability... No, not quite.

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Yeah, to a degree, that's obviously where most of the milk is produced,

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but you're looking for feminism and narrowness, effectively.

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What are we looking for? An hour-glass cow, is it?

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No, no, a V-shaped cow, effectively.

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-V-shaped?

-Yeah, she needs to be narrow in the front, coming back to width behind,

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which carries the milk production vessel, the udder, not the breasts, in town terms.

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I see.

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Right, Rhod, this is the dairy ring, where it all happens.

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This is the rostrum.

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-You have a stick in your hand.

-I know what you're going to say.

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-You're going to have a go.

-I knew it.

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You watch me have a go first and then, the last cow in the ring,

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she'll be yours, and you can have a go selling her.

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There was more dairy character on show than Hooters Nottingham.

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Someone even stuck a tenner down this cow's top.

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-A fit-looking cow.

-She's better, yeah.

-Good arse on it.

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Good set of tumblers on it. Looks like Barbara Windsor in her heyday, that one.

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Dribbling a bit, mind.

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John said this one's a lot easier.

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He said, "Don't worry, when we go to the dairy, it'll be a lot slower

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than the meat sales."

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SPEAKS INCREDIBLY RAPIDLY

0:16:240:16:26

He's into this.

0:16:330:16:35

Like that one? Look at that.

0:16:370:16:40

I'll probably end up with this one now. If I do end up with it, you buy it off me.

0:16:490:16:53

-Well, we'll milk it for you.

-I'll buy it, you milk it.

0:16:530:16:56

-Did you get it?

-Yes.

-What, you bought it? Did you?

0:16:560:16:59

Going to pick it up, are you?

0:17:000:17:02

He was chatting to me. I don't know how he managed to buy a cow and chat at the same time.

0:17:050:17:09

Erm, hello.

0:17:140:17:15

-Switch it on.

-Sorry, I haven't used one of these before.

0:17:150:17:18

We are bidding, ladies and gentlemen,

0:17:180:17:20

on...a cow.

0:17:200:17:24

The cow is the black one down there, in the middle.

0:17:240:17:28

25 miles on the clock.

0:17:280:17:29

Who'll give me a pound?

0:17:290:17:30

Feast your eyes on those udders, ladies and gentlemen. Do I hear a pound?

0:17:300:17:34

A pound from the girls at the back.

0:17:340:17:36

Come on, where shall we go next? More than a pound. £1,000.

0:17:360:17:39

1,100, 1,100, any more than 1,100?

0:17:390:17:41

She says her interests are listening to music and going to the toilet.

0:17:410:17:45

She wants to work with children, eventually. She's a lovely cow.

0:17:450:17:49

Any more then? Did that baby bid or was it involuntary spasm?

0:17:490:17:53

What's he saying? 1,150? Are you sure he's got the cash?

0:17:530:17:56

Do I hear 1,200 from anyone? Going to the baby at the moment.

0:17:560:17:59

Go on, I'll throw in the man in the hat. The bloke comes with it.

0:17:590:18:03

Going once...going twice...sold! 1,700!

0:18:030:18:09

To the woman in the hat.

0:18:090:18:11

-Congratulations.

-Thank you very much.

0:18:110:18:13

It's the most terrifying gig I've ever done. Tough audience.

0:18:130:18:16

It is a buzz and it's exciting.

0:18:160:18:18

-It's better than...

-Better than sex?

0:18:180:18:21

Not quite. Well, it depends who you're with, obviously, but, yeah.

0:18:210:18:24

As an apprentice farmer, there was somewhere else I needed to go - the slaughterhouse.

0:18:260:18:31

Gareth showed me round. I was dreading it.

0:18:310:18:34

We just had a calf the day before yesterday.

0:18:340:18:36

I fed it yesterday. I'm hoping it's not coming here.

0:18:360:18:39

What sort of calf is it?

0:18:390:18:41

Black and white. It's about that high.

0:18:410:18:43

-Male or female?

-Male.

0:18:430:18:46

Chances are, if it's a black and white male, it probably will end up in a place like this.

0:18:460:18:50

How long would you give him before he ends up here?

0:18:500:18:53

A week or 10 days.

0:18:530:18:55

Normally, putting a little hair net on like this,

0:18:590:19:02

I'd have a little comedy moment, but it doesn't feel appropriate.

0:19:020:19:06

The cows will be coming into this box and they'll be shooting them from that side of the box.

0:19:070:19:12

-How grim as it?

-It's the quickest way of putting a cow down.

0:19:120:19:16

I'll get you in position for the first one and you can see that one, what happens.

0:19:160:19:20

I don't think I can watch.

0:19:200:19:22

Poor thing.

0:19:260:19:27

A bolt about that long enters the cow's brain and makes it brain dead.

0:19:380:19:43

It's thrashing about and still making a noise.

0:19:430:19:46

That's just nerves. It's the blood moving out of the body

0:19:460:19:49

and it's touching the nerves as it goes.

0:19:490:19:51

It's all over so quickly.

0:19:560:19:57

-Is that just nerves?

-Yeah, definitely.

0:19:590:20:01

The animal was brain dead before it hit the floor in the stunning box.

0:20:010:20:06

Even now, I'm not put off having a steak because of that.

0:20:060:20:11

I probably won't have one today.

0:20:110:20:13

Every steak that you've ever eaten in your life has been produced like this.

0:20:130:20:18

It makes me a more thoughtful consumer of meat, a more knowledgeable one.

0:20:180:20:22

A lot of city kids think their steak comes from Tesco's.

0:20:240:20:27

They can't associate looking at a cow in a book or in a field and think,

0:20:270:20:31

-"That's where I get my steak from."

-Yeah.

0:20:310:20:34

It's a wonderful tribute to that animal's life.

0:20:360:20:38

-It's in good condition, worked all its life and is providing us with food.

-A wonderful tribute.

0:20:380:20:43

I'm sure he'd rather have just had a quick ceremony and a disco after.

0:20:430:20:48

The abattoir was unsettling and I wanted to get straight back to the cows on the farm,

0:20:480:20:52

in happier circumstances.

0:20:520:20:53

(How's that?)

0:20:570:20:59

(Right now, the whole farm is asleep.)

0:20:590:21:02

MOO!

0:21:020:21:03

(I think he's still awake.)

0:21:030:21:06

(All is peaceful and quiet and it's a pretty sharp contrast to the last

0:21:060:21:11

(time I saw cattle today, literally being sawn in two with an electric saw and having their lungs out.)

0:21:110:21:18

Oh, great(!)

0:21:210:21:22

(Nobody mention the abattoir.)

0:21:220:21:24

(I've already grown quite attached to the cows here.)

0:21:250:21:29

(You're all right now.)

0:21:290:21:31

(There's parts of this that I love, but it's bloody hard work.)

0:21:310:21:34

(It's also a real privilege to get this kind of insight

0:21:340:21:38

(and be this close to something that's so integral and so important to our way of life.)

0:21:380:21:43

(David's giving me more responsibility tomorrow. I'll be taking over half the milking shed.)

0:21:430:21:47

(The hardest thing for me is that I've got no idea what I'm doing.)

0:21:470:21:50

Come on, Rhod. Lots to do today.

0:21:560:21:59

My final farmer day was packed as tightly as a bull's boxer shorts.

0:21:590:22:02

But my talk of abattoirs last night had clearly upset the cows.

0:22:020:22:06

There was more poo in the yard than behind Paula Radcliffe's running machine.

0:22:060:22:10

Don't sit. Don't sit.

0:22:120:22:14

Don't sit in that!

0:22:140:22:16

Stand.

0:22:160:22:18

You wake up, have breakfast, first job of the day is to scrape all the cow mess all the way out of this.

0:22:180:22:24

Cock-a-ruddy-doodle-doo.

0:22:240:22:26

It's like the world's most disappointing ice-cream van.

0:22:300:22:33

Shit shovel coming through.

0:22:350:22:36

This is where my reversing skills are going to be properly tested.

0:22:450:22:49

That is not a backward flip you want to make.

0:22:500:22:54

-Keep going, keep going.

-Use this cutter thing now.

0:22:560:22:59

Next up, Breakfast At Shittany's...

0:22:590:23:02

Silage - cows'll eat it till the kids come home.

0:23:020:23:05

Come on, Molly.

0:23:050:23:07

There you are. What I want to do now is to try

0:23:100:23:13

and lift that massive, spiky claw thing on the front without coming up

0:23:130:23:17

with about seven cows skewered on the end of it, like some kind of horrendously ugly kebab.

0:23:170:23:23

It's the lesser of two evils. I'm either going to take the roof off

0:23:340:23:38

or we're going to squash about seven cows' heads flat.

0:23:380:23:41

-Whoa!

-Oh, not that way.

0:23:410:23:44

Oh, not that way, either. Everyone relax.

0:23:440:23:47

-No cows in the way, no?

-More, more, more, more, more. Whoa!

0:23:470:23:52

Now the only danger is I flatten you with it. I'm not so worried about that, David.

0:23:520:23:56

I was doing so well on Tractor Factor that David decided to give me my own special set of wheels.

0:23:580:24:04

He called it...The Beast.

0:24:040:24:08

DRAMATIC MUSIC

0:24:080:24:10

Nought to complete loser in six seconds.

0:24:100:24:12

I'd tamed The Beast and was getting on well with the cows.

0:24:300:24:34

It was finally time to try me out on the ultimate farming gadget.

0:24:340:24:38

David called it "a dog".

0:24:380:24:40

David said he's going to give us a sheepdog demonstration.

0:24:400:24:43

Walk... Walk!

0:24:430:24:44

Basically, I see it more as a competition, really. Head to head, me and him.

0:24:440:24:48

What he doesn't know is I've watched Babe four times.

0:24:480:24:52

Walk! Come here.

0:24:520:24:53

OK, Rhod?

0:24:530:24:55

I understand from watching Babe that every flock is different.

0:24:550:25:00

So what specific instructions do this lot answer to?

0:25:000:25:01

It's not the flock, it's the dog, because she's waiting for a command now. Two rising whistles for left.

0:25:010:25:06

That's it.

0:25:080:25:10

Penny whistle?

0:25:100:25:13

-What about...?

-WHISTLES "BAA BAA BLACK SHEEP"

0:25:140:25:18

I've got a feeling your sheep dog's broken.

0:25:190:25:21

-No, no, no.

-It is, I think it's broken.

0:25:210:25:23

No. HE WHISTLES

0:25:230:25:25

You've got it going again. At least it's working again, that's the main thing.

0:25:250:25:28

Say "walk", see what that does.

0:25:280:25:31

Walk. Walkies!

0:25:310:25:33

Stand still! Just stand there.

0:25:350:25:37

Under no circumstances do anything whatsoever.

0:25:370:25:41

Respond to nothing. Walk!

0:25:420:25:45

Sit! Stand!

0:25:450:25:47

Heel, come by, away to go.

0:25:470:25:50

Look at that.

0:25:500:25:52

I told her to ignore all that and she did.

0:25:520:25:56

HE WHISTLES

0:25:560:25:57

It's working again. Hey, good girl, good girl.

0:25:570:26:01

Yes, look at that.

0:26:020:26:04

We're like a synchronised machine.

0:26:040:26:06

I could almost smell my farming wings. With my sexy boiler suit and the The Beast,

0:26:080:26:13

I was like a rural David Hasselhoff - ready for any emergency.

0:26:130:26:17

But while The Hoff rescued bikini-clad beauties,

0:26:170:26:19

I had some fence posts to deliver on another faulty trailer.

0:26:190:26:23

Go that way, go that way! Aargh!

0:26:230:26:26

I wish this was that tractor trailer.

0:26:310:26:33

This is what I'd be doing to it.

0:26:330:26:36

Take that, you trailer! Take that, you piece of trailer trash!

0:26:360:26:39

-Not bad.

-Not bad, is it? I got angry with it.

0:26:390:26:42

OK. Ready for the next one?

0:26:450:26:48

Yeah.

0:26:480:26:49

Oh, shit the bed.

0:26:490:26:51

I think that's in.

0:26:530:26:55

-Probably good enough, that one.

-Yep, OK.

0:26:550:26:57

-So if you grab the bucket and the hammer.

-I will.

0:26:570:27:01

-Catch your breath back while you walk to the bucket.

-OK, yeah.

0:27:010:27:04

David, a man about the farm.

0:27:060:27:09

Look at him, he's all practical knowledge and hands on and manual labour and knows what he's doing.

0:27:090:27:14

Look at me, I'm stuck in a bramble, trapped by my hat.

0:27:140:27:17

"Where's Rhod, David?"

0:27:170:27:19

"He's not coming in for tea. He's trapped in a bramble. His hat's got stuck."

0:27:190:27:23

Right, what's next?

0:27:260:27:27

My time as a farmer was nearly up.

0:27:270:27:29

I needed to keep calm cos, for my final challenge, I had to run half the milking shed that evening and

0:27:290:27:33

I was determined not to set the cows off.

0:27:330:27:36

I didn't want to muck out again.

0:27:360:27:38

In fact, I'd rather have to tell a bear with an upset stomach that the woods are closed for cleaning.

0:27:380:27:42

Cow number one, over there, please.

0:27:420:27:45

Where's... Somebody come over my side.

0:27:470:27:49

Quite calm at the moment. I don't want to make too much noise.

0:27:500:27:54

'There was the odd bottom malfunction, but it was considerably less explosive than last time.

0:27:540:28:00

'I was far more in tune with these dairy characters.'

0:28:000:28:02

It's not difficult to see how you build up a really close

0:28:020:28:05

bond with all of them and know them all individually and their personalities.

0:28:050:28:09

In truth, I was falling in love with farming.

0:28:090:28:12

On a practical level, I was about as well suited to it as Axl Rose, but I was going to miss this farm.

0:28:120:28:16

There was one little fellow I was going to miss more than anything.

0:28:160:28:20

Strange to be feeding him again,

0:28:200:28:22

having been to an abattoir. Do you want the good news?

0:28:220:28:27

You're going to be here for a while.

0:28:270:28:28

You're not going to be in dog food this week.

0:28:280:28:30

Really starting to get into farm life and enjoy it.

0:28:300:28:34

We've come a long way in two days, haven't we?

0:28:340:28:37

Hey, don't kick me in the nuts.

0:28:370:28:39

Get off!

0:28:390:28:41

I'm going to call you Gareth.

0:28:440:28:45

You're named after the nice man in the abattoir.

0:28:450:28:48

If you do ever end up at the abattoir, there's no way he's going to kill another Gareth.

0:28:480:28:53

Come on.

0:28:540:28:56

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:070:29:09

E-mail [email protected]

0:29:090:29:11

Wales's leading stand up comedian finally gets a proper job and goes from a comedy routine to working on a farm. Can he really clean up in the cowshed or will the excrement hit the fan?