Tattooist Rhod Gilbert's Work Experience

I'm Rhod Gilbert, I'm told I have a tough job but there are more difficult ones.

So, I'm ditching my regular job and trying something different.

This is my Work Experience.

And this week, I'm a tattoo artist.

I'd rather spend the rest of my life in a Portaloo with Mel Gibson than have a tattoo,

but in two days' time, I have to scar some poor sod for life.

So, I picked up a scent of burning flesh and followed it to a tattoo convention in Telford.

I don't really know anything about tattoos. I've never wanted a tattoo.

All this violent imagery and skulls and death and graves and fire, it just seems a bit sad.

I shouldn't think like that. It's my shortcoming, I should be more open-minded.

Who knows, maybe I'll come out desperately wanting a tattoo myself?

I felt as out of place as Bungle on the Death Star.

There wasn't even a "paint a cartoon on your tits" stand. Oh...

Are they wearing like body stockings?

No, no, it's the skin.

-No.

-Is that it?

-Yes.

-Don't you feel a bit self-conscious?

-When there's no paint on, I did.

You felt self-conscious when there was no paint on you?

-But now, I don't at all, because you can't see anything, so...

-You can!

If I undid my fly and pulled my testicles out, it wouldn't matter if I had a picture of a lion on there,

you could still see them.

I've never seen a tattoo being done close up. I've only seen it from a kind of distance.

You're just brushing that across.

-It doesn't look like you're ramming it in.

-Ramming it in?!

-I thought you had to ram it in.

Don't laugh, it's going to go horribly wrong!

You could get a moustache on the Virgin Mary if you're not careful!

Tattooed toilet seats here, why not?

-Is that blood?

-No, pen, I think.

-It's what?

-Pen.

-Oh, pen.

-Ink.

-Ink.

I was learning loads. Like, what's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

That's right, a massive penis on your leg.

You've got a big dick on the back of your leg. I had one once, but I slapped it off.

Look at that, Best Male Leg 2004.

-Just the left leg? Did this one not even get runner up?

-No, no.

-They're quite addictive, you'll realise.

-Are they?

All it wants me to do is get more tattoos and more tattoos, really.

Show the back of your head.

And what does it all mean?

It's got no specific meaning to me. It's just, I like that, I'll have that done.

You assume every aspect of them holds some significance, but quite often it's not.

I met Louis Molloy, who was to tattooing

what Simon Cowell's trousers were to his backside - right up there.

That many celebrities getting tattooed that half the time

you don't even know who they are when they're coming in. Most famous client would be David Beckham.

Don't tell me you didn't recognise David Beckham?

You only recognised him when you tattooed his kids' names.

I know these names, Brooklyn, Posh Spice.

-I've got to... I've tattooed her as well.

-Have you?

-Yeah.

There's nothing to tattoo, is there?

I'm trying to get to the bottom of his how significant things are to people,

or how much is, what the hell?

You might pick that particular jacket and that colour of jacket because you like it.

-I can take this jacket off!

-Course you can.

-Put another one on.

If you're going to tattoo somebody, first of all get tattooed yourself, so that you know what it feels like.

No.

-Why not? It's not that bad.

-But it's there for life and I don't want one.

-So what?

We should run the tattoo machine over your skin with no colour in it, so you get to know what it feels like.

Go on, Rhod, be a man.

Hearing that celebs were all having tattoos didn't make me want one

any more than watching Psycho made me want a shower, but Louis did have a point.

You sure all this has been rinsed and stuff?

That's the needle. There's five needles on that.

I wasn't expecting this. I'm not good with pain.

Swing your legs over.

I feel I'm going to faint already.

-The only thing I've had close to this is injections in hospital.

-I'm not giving you an injection.

I passed out when I had an allergy test.

-Don't move, I'm going to do it.

-Don't piss about!

-I'm not.

-No, I don't like it!

-Keep still.

BUZZING

Oh, that's...

Ah! You bastard!

Why would you go through this?

-Seriously?

-Show it t'camera.

Where is it? There.

It's unpleasant. It stings.

It's like having lots of little injections in a row.

That took what, 10 seconds?

That took 70 hours.

What is wrong with you?

When you tattoo somebody, they will feel what you've just felt.

So, as nervous as you was, they will be.

So, you've got to inspire confidence in your client that you can do it.

-Can I learn it tomorrow and then do it on Tuesday?

-You'll struggle.

An average apprenticeship is five years.

Five years?

-Yep, five years.

-I'm no brain surgeon but tracing a knob on someone's leg couldn't be rocket science.

I did need to assess my art skills, though, and I wasn't ready to do any leg genitals,

so graffiti was the perfect low-pressure way to start.

Well, I've got to do a tattoo in a couple of days.

Do you want to do a skull?

-A skull?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, all right.

-Go closer to the wall.

-Closer to the wall.

-Where's the white?

-The white?

-I need the white.

How's that, out of 10?

Yeah, it's a good, er...

Yeah... Two and a half.

Two and a half out of 10?

It's a good start.

Would you let me tattoo you?

Oh, sorry, I'm getting a cold...

Oh dear, my skull looked like a space invader on a comedown.

Maybe Louis was right, if there was an artist inside me and had to get him out, fast.

Perhaps Catherine's henna would act as an artistic laxative.

I'll show you how you to use it.

It does look suspicious. I used to have a hamster

that would do that if you squeezed him too tightly.

Not as artistically, obviously.

I never drew a flower with him.

Do you think you could copy that? Squeeze a little harder.

My hamster was easier to use than this.

Would you say this is the best first attempt you've seen?

The best first attempt I've seen you do, yeah.

-I think I've mastered flowers.

-Shall we try spirals?

Sounds a bit too easy. What about a tiger, a black panther, leaping out with flames coming out of him?

-This is looking a lot better.

-There you go.

That looks like a lotus flower.

That's what I'm doing. I've changed my mind, I'll do a lotus flower with a panther leaping through it.

I think this could turn into a good stegosaurus.

-Hang on a minute, this is evolving.

-It is.

I'm changing my mind as we go along, as it starts to look like something different each time.

Hopefully the person I tattoo will accept that their initial design might end up as something different.

That's exciting. Well, I've done a nose. Now he's got a nose and a horn.

My rare or parsnip-horned rhino-tigersaurus wouldn't fit on my arm, so I created another original

design and Catherine gave me a hamster pooh tattoo with deep personal significance.

As the ink was drying on the last penis tattoo in Telford,

I headed home to Wales to cram in five years' training.

Artistically speaking, I was badly constipated and I had to tattoo someone very soon.

I don't know what tattoo I'm going to give them.

The tattoo shop is 50 yards away and I want to nail it by the time I get in there.

It's a Chinese takeaway.

I could do a Chinese symbol.

Got a flower shop...

This could be useful.

Everybody likes a nice big fat Buddha, don't they?

Tigers, they look quite nice. The tattoo studio is there.

Post Office is there, with the tigers in the window.

Two doors along, in between the two, Flames Kebab House.

It's like some kind of Derren Brown thing, genuinely freaking me out.

The stars are seriously aligned.

Tomorrow's punter is getting a tiger jumping through flames.

My destination was a family-run tattoo and piercing studio deep in the Welsh Valleys,

the mystical world of Abracadabra.

The name evoked in the magic and mystery of the Orient. I met the owner, Dave.

How long have you been a tattooist, Dave?

33 years this year.

What are the most important skills of a tattoo artist?

To keep a steady hand.

Got to get a firm line down on there.

It can jump about a lot and go all over the place.

I've been looking for inspiration.

I keep coming back to like a tiger or something jumping through some flames.

-That is way beyond.

-Is it?

-Yeah, yeah.

I can show you an early version.

I did it in like a minute or two with a henna tube I've never used.

-It'll be better than this, I reckon, if I did it again.

-Oh, I hope so.

Have you got good insurance?

Every day, people come in and they've had something like that done in someone's bedroom.

-I thought it was quite good.

-Er, no.

-Would you have something like that?

-Er... No.

I can take the parsnip out.

-And the flames.

-Lose the flames?

-Yeah, and the tiger.

-THEY LAUGH

So Rhod, have you got any tattoos yourself?

I've got a tiny little R in a bloodline there.

So, there's no ink in the thing.

To do a tattoo on someone, I really that you should experience

what it is you're doing to someone, and have a tattoo yourself.

I left the house this morning and I was hoping it wouldn't come to this.

What the hell would I have?

'How was I meant to choose? I'd rather peel the skin off my own skull

'than get a tattoo of a skull with a dagger through its eye.'

I quite like animals, Dave, but I don't know if I want them permanently etched on my skin.

-Who the hell would have that?

-You wouldn't believe what they have.

What would you describe this thing as, then? It's a sort of mixture of a dragon cow-woman with udders.

-I could have my cat. I do quite like my cat.

-Have your cat, yeah.

Arnold, his name is. I could have that, an Arnold.

Tom Jones. Is that a popular one round here, up this area?

No, never done that.

-Have you not?

-Done John Wayne.

You've done John Wayne, but not Tom Jones.

-Yeah.

-So nobody's ever had a Tom? I'm surprised at that, round here.

'Nothing's leaping out at me. People keep asking me what I'm passionate about.'

I can't really think of anything that I'd want tattooed on myself.

Quite a big fan of the NHS, so I could have a picture of Nye Bevan.

I quite enjoy crisps, quite enjoy The Apprentice.

Watching old episodes of Bergerac.

Nobody's going to have a massive John Nettles on their back.

'I couldn't find anything on Dave's charts or tattoo websites.

'In desperation, I started looking in the Argos catalogue.'

I want something that girls like.

I know what women like - cushions!

My girlfriend's always talking about cushions. 'Bingo! A cushion!

'Now I just needed a cushion cover.'

It's clearly a pie of some sort.

I'm not sure what the filling is, but flames coming out the back.

Make it a little bit darker and a little bit more exciting.

That pie's obviously arrived on the scene very quickly.

You can see the element of danger with the Battenberg.

Three or four slices have fallen off there, which is obviously a bit...

It's a shame the Battenberg's not on fire, isn't it?

-You could put it on fire.

-We can add some flames to it if you want.

-You can add flames to the Battenberg?

-Yes.

-So I can mix and match?

-Yeah.

Fair play, you have found a Battenberg on fire.

What about a Battenberg cushion? Can you see if you can find a Battenberg cushion?

-I like the idea of a cushion.

-Yeah?

Yeah. Can I get a cushion with your Battenberg one off the wall there,

with the slices falling down on it and then on fire,

some flames coming out of it, and then maybe, I don't know yet, but maybe Nye Bevan looking on.

-Have you done that one before?

-Oh, no.

I don't know if anybody's got it.

Believe me, there's nobody has got that. RHOD LAUGHS

'Dave didn't have a ready-made "flaming Battenberg cushion

' "with a concerned Aneurin Bevan looking on" design, so he knocked one up.

I'm just going to draw on the flames.

It's not hurting too much at the moment, Dave.

You'll be fine, but just don't hold your breath, all right?

Breathe as normal.

Just relax, all right?

I can't relax, Dave.

Just drop this arm, that's it.

-Are you ready?

-Argh...

-BUZZING

Ah, Dave, that hurts! Ah, Dave!

Argh!

Arghhh! Arghhh!

Howww do people do this? Oww!

People come back here...

I'm sure they come back, yes, looking for you, I imagine!

Argh! Ooh! Argh!

Ay-ay-ay-ay! Ah!

I tell you what, I don't think I'm going to get round to having Nye Bevan as well.

'Having a proper tattoo was agony. My shoulder felt like a feminist's bra.'

I never want to see another Battenberg in my life, Dave. Aiii!

Mr Kipling can ... right off.

'I wanted Dave to stop, but there's probably only one thing worse than having a Battenberg on your back,

'and that's having half a Battenberg.'

Ow! It really feels like a needle just going in and then just ripping your flesh.

Have you got some nice cooling spray, Dave? Is that cooling?

-Cooling spray... You'll be back.

-I won't be back, Dave.

You'll be back. You'll forget all about it and then you'll think, "Oh, it wasn't really that bad."

It was really that bad.

I will never be back.

I felt like I'd had a back rub off Edward Pizza-wheels-hands.

But the girls wanted to up the ante and we were off in search of new ways to inflict pain.

We're going to Chrome in Cardiff with my mate Ed

and we're going to learn how to put the micro-dermal anchors,

a piece of jewellery which sits underneath the surface of the skin.

Do you do that here at the moment?

No. It something that we want to expand into.

I am not doing it, I'm not being a guinea pig.

I'm not doing anything else today.

I've had enough pain inflicted on me.

'Where we were going, they knew more about holes than a mole with a hole punch.

'I've always thought this piercing lark was a bit weird,

'but when Ed explained some of the things people ask him to do to them, it all sounded very reasonable.'

What we do is mainly body piercing. There's not a lot of places on the body you can't pierce now.

But we also do a little bit of body modification. I've split tongues.

This is an ampallang, the most macho male ones you can have,

the most extreme apart from actually splitting the penis.

-Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah!

-Yeah, you can split

and have two halves.

-What, you split that down the middle and...

-Yeah.

-Like leaves of a book?

-Yeah.

-Why would you do that, Ed?

-That doesn't float my boat.

Have you had somebody come in and go...

"Ed, today I'd like you to split my penis in two."

Someone asked for it and I told them no.

'I was about to ask Ed if he'd split my penis down the middle

'and pop a few scoops of ice cream round it when a punter came in.

'I wasn't sure whether to say hello or stick 20p in her and try and win a cuddly toy.

'I said hello.'

-I'm sorry to stare at you.

-It's hard not to.

I feel like Bill Oddie looking at a woodland creature.

Come on, Izzie. Be brave.

I'm going to start there. We're not allowed to give any pain relief,

but then that's half the fun.

What's wrong with you all?

What is wrong with all of you lot?

I don't smoke, I don't drink...

Well, start smoking and drinking, I would.

-Here we go.

-I'm not going to faint now, the worst of it's over.

It's not as painful as the last one I had.

'There's just an intensity around this whole world.

'The pain that I felt when I was being tattooed...'

Thinking about inflicting that pain on somebody else is a really horrible thought.

My big day arrived, but Dave was worried that I was as ready to tattoo someone

as a man with both hands trapped under a sleeping gorilla.

I had to work on my drawing skills. He put a thingy on the pencil so it was more like a tattoo thing.

Trying to draw this panther.

With this thing on it's really, really difficult.

It looks like what I imagine Scooby Doo might look like if he was abusing solvents.

I think I've got a fix for this.

I think I've made this look deliberate. Here it is.

This is Scooby Doo, in brackets, after hearing he's been fined £50 for dog fouling.

There's the dog foul there, on the pavement.

And then we'll have Scooby shouting, "It wasn't me!"

protesting his innocence.

I've added Scrappy Doo shouting, "Yes, it was!" at Scooby.

'I still felt artistically constipated, but surprisingly

'Dave and Maria quite liked my mountain cat with dropsy.'

-Out of ten, Dave?

-Got all the shadowing.

-Out of 10, I'd say seven.

-Really?

-Yeah, yeah, that's good.

-That's the one I was trying to do.

-Good choice.

-What we've ended up with is a slight evolution of that.

He looks more like Scooby Doo having a mild nervous breakdown.

Or looks like it's been run over.

Very difficult to use, this, though.

Yeah, it's the weight thing, isn't it?

My roadkill Scooby Doo poodunnit got a thumbs-down,

but, spinning it positively, Dave said my work had a sense of humour.

So he introduced me to someone he thought I'd get on with.

Royston had more famous faces down his trousers than Russell Brand.

What's this one here? I can just see something else peeping out there.

Hang on, let me guess. Let's reveal it bit by bit.

I'll give you a clue. A Scot.

A Scot. Go on, she's got long hair there.

Look at that. I tell you what,

that is a rather splendid, beautiful-looking Lorraine Kelly.

Why Lorraine Kelly?

Everybody comes in, they want a skull, they want a dagger

or a dagger through the skull and God knows what else.

So I had a word with Dave, so we came up with the idea of Lorraine Kelly.

It just goes to show there's a brighter side to tattooing.

This is the light side. I see. I see what you're saying.

'This light side of tattooing was all very well,

'but if I tattooed someone now, Dave would need a sense of humour and legal aid.

'My fledgling tattoo career looked over.

'Then, out of the blue, a superhero arrived.

'Was it a bird? Was it a plane? No, it was Russell Brand legs man. He said I could practise on him.'

He's got loads of tattoos. He's covered in them.

So that's why we sort of picked him as a guinea pig, really.

He knows the score and he understands that this might not be

the finest artwork he's ever seen in his life.

This is making the transfer that's going to go on to Royston's skin.

There we are, look at that. Magic.

-Take the needle out of the packet.

-It's making my knees go weak already.

-Rub it in with your hand, that's the way.

-Are you happy with it there, Royston?

Yeah, happy with it.

Nervous?

-How nervous are you, out of a scale of 1 to 10?

-Seriously, truthfully?

-Yeah. 1 to 10.

-10.

I'm only on a 7!

So you put it in there, and do you press the button while it's in there?

I'm about to do my first ever tattoo.

-Right. No problem.

-BUZZING

-How's that, Royston?

-All right there, thanks.

-Painful?

-Yeah.

I'm going to try and make it less painful for you, is my objective.

How's that, Roy?

I tell you what, Royston, that's not bad.

No, not bad at all.

'Russell Brand legs man had saved the day.

'He was the laxative to my artistic constipation.

'I was starting to enjoy this light side to tattooing.

'I even got my Battenberg out for the girls.'

Check the art.

Wow. I love cake.

Do you? Cushions?

-Cushions, my favourite.

-All women love cushions.

'My real customer would be along soon and I was on a high.

But Maria felt I was still a bit of an inky penis on the leg of tattooing,

'and that I needed more coaching.'

What's it actually like being a full-time tattoo artist, Maria?

You get to meet loads of interesting people with lots of different stories

and you become a part of their life.

One of the things I've noticed about this place is it seems to be like a real heart of the community.

Yeah, yeah. It's like therapy for them, me,

if I need to get anything off my chest.

If I didn't tattoo, I think I'd be a counsellor.

-Would you?

-Yeah.

-Everybody says tattoos are addictive.

Once you have one, you want more and more.

It's the whole bonding thing, like they come back for that.

It's the buzz of the piece when it's done. You know, you feel good.

-Did you feel good?

-No.

And I tell you now, I'm not coming back, community or no community.

'In the next few minutes, I learned why the shop was called Abracadabra.

'One minute I was having a nice chat with Maria,

'the next I mysteriously found myself semi-naked in Joy's dentist chair.'

It's not as bad as you think it's going to be.

-It better not be as bad as I think it's going to be.

-It's not.

Right, there's the clamp going on.

Joy! It's ironic, you having a name like Joy, isn't it?

When you bring so much misery and bloody pain... Even that's agony!

-What's that, is that just the ice?

-Yes. Oh, my God.

I don't even want it.

All done. Ready?

HE SCREAMS

Joy!

Oh, God, this is horrible.

Oh, God alive.

Can't take any more.

Between the tattoo and now this, I just...

Poor little nipple.

What have I done to you?

God alive.

Not light headed, or...?

'Joy had rammed that thing through my man-tit like a cheap buffet snack.

'Time for my revenge. I wanted to split her breasts in half and fill them with fruit.

'She wanted an earring.' Look at that.

-That's what you push in through here.

-What is?

-The whole thing.

That's not going right through the ear, like that?

You haven't got to go right in, just until you can see it out the back.

Then you pull the needle back and you'll leave a plastic tube.

Say all that again. I wasn't listening, I was panicking.

-Are you ready?

-Mm-hmm.

Couldn't you have chosen me something to pierce that's a bit further away from your brain?

-Can we take your ear off and do it somewhere else?

-My brain is in my feet.

-OK?

-Mm-hmm.

Ow!

-Flick that bit off now.

-Are you all right?

-Mm-hmm. If the jewellery is right through...

The jewellery is right through, I can see the thread.

Oh, heck.

-I've dropped the bling.

-Me balls are gone.

The balls, the end of the jewellery bit's gone.

-Has it been sterilised now?

-Yes, I just sterilised it.

So it's fully sterilised again.

Very difficult to get it on there.

Shit, I've dropped it. Where has it gone? It's in your ear.

-It's right at the back there.

-Yeah, that could be it.

There we go.

Who's a brave boy?

'My tattoo appointment was in.

'I had to forget about Nipplegate and focus.

'Amanda was a tattoo virgin.

'As her tattoo artist, it was my job to reassure her and build her confidence.'

Amanda. Hello.

Nice to meet you. How are you doing?

-Do you know what to expect?

-No.

The first thing I've got to tell you is, it's agony.

It's really, properly, seriously painful.

It feels like somebody ripping into you with a compass.

It feels like being ironed with a scalding iron.

It does, honestly. It feels like somebody, if taking a cheese grater to your leg

and rubbing like that for about an hour until it's bleeding and stuff, that's what it feels like.

Really, really painful. What are you going to go for?

This one by here.

-This one?

-Yep. There.

That's good because the only tattoo I've ever done was on the front of somebody's leg.

'Amanda was still nervous, so I showed her my artwork.

'Maybe the light side of tattooing would appeal to her too.'

That was in a henna tube, they're really difficult to control.

Tattooing's far easier than that. You can see the talent, can't you?

You can see the raw talent that I've got to work with. This is some of my early stuff.

This was earlier in my career.

I did this...yesterday.

Oh, no, the day before. It was the day before yesterday!

-Oh, my God.

-I didn't do that.

That's the original. But look what I did.

It's not bad.

Don't lose confidence just because I can't get a glove on.

If you don't want to go through with it, you must say now,

because in about a minute from now it's going to be too late. So if you...

We should have some tense music like on a quiz show.

Just get ready for a really sort of intense scratching, burning, all right?

-OK, just stretching the skin to make sure. Ready?

-Yeah.

That's it. Try not to move.

Don't move, whatever you do now, don't move.

That's it. Really try and stay still.

It's a little bit wobbly where you moved,

but hardly nothing, it's absolutely fine.

You know it's going to be really painful

but as soon as I take my hand away, the pain goes.

Do you think you can not move for this bit? Are you sure?

OK, every time you move like that, don't flinch now.

OK, don't move, don't move.

OK, try not to move.

No moving, no moving!

It's only going to be a second, don't move, that's it, don't move.

Deep breaths.

OK? Don't look.

Try not to flinch like that.

'Tattooing Amanda was far more difficult than Russell Brand legs man.

'She was a moving target.

'It was as dangerous as a woman doing her bikini line on a bouncy castle.'

If you jolt, I could put a line like that anywhere around here.

That's supposed to mean good and beautiful, you could end up with...

-Egg fried rice.

-Egg fried rice.

Don't jolt now.

Get a bit of pink colour in there.

We're just going to put a little bit of colour in these petals.

Right, everyone, I want to show you my first customer,

first real customer.

This one is a bit wobbly,

-but that's down to movement.

-You.

I don't know what all the fuss was about. You were shifting about.

You should have seen me yesterday. I was as good as gold, wasn't I?

Now you can see how difficult it can be.

-I'm going to give you five on this one.

-Right, and if I do that?

-Six.

Six? I genuinely thought you were going to say 9, 9.6.

Amanda, ladies and gentlemen. Give it up.

'Amanda would never win best female leg, but provided she never took her trousers off

'and married someone with cataracts, she'd be fine.'

-Thanks very much for everything, mate.

-Pleasure.

-It's been great.

It's been a fascinating insight into your life.

I never thought it was going to be easy, but it's very, very difficult.

You need to be accurate. You need to have great concentration.

-It's a really hard canvas, the human body.

-That's right.

It jumps about like a box of frogs.

'There's a little bit of me thinking I want to go back and do that again - the tattooing, that is.'

Because there's two things I never want to do again as long as I live.

One, I never want to have another tattoo. I absolutely hate it.

And two, I will never, EVER pierce another nipple.

And that, my little friend, is a cast-iron promise.

I'm so sorry that I did that to you.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I just got carried away.

It's this stupid programme, it makes me do some ridiculous things.

Come on, Nipple. Let's get you home.

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