Police Officer Rhod Gilbert's Work Experience


Police Officer

Rhod Gilbert tackles his hardest job yet as he goes on patrol with the South Wales Police, taking a turn at dog training and joining a team policing a football match.


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Transcript


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I'm Rhod Gilbert, stand-up comedian.

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People tell me I've got the toughest job in town,

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but I'm sure I will find other things far more difficult,

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so I'm ditching my regular job and trying something completely different.

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This is my Work Experience.

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And this week, I'm a police officer.

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I couldn't wait to join the fuzz, confronting criminals,

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potential violence, abuse from the public -

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it was all right up my street.

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After a few days on the beat, I'd be part of a frontline police team

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at a major sporting event in Cardiff, so I had to be ready for anything.

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Unfortunately, the closest I have come to policing a big event

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is keeping an eye on my sister's kids while she made a sponge.

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I needed to learn how to use a dog, a horse, a Taser

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and a truncheon, all while balancing an upturned tit on my head.

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So I rocked up at the police training centre near Bridgend.

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-Morning.

-Welcome to the police dog training school.

-Thank you.

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-Got a bit of a fun-packed morning for you this morning.

-Good.

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-You ready for that?

-Yeah, well up for it. You know me.

-Let's go.

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I sort of think as a nation, we need a police force,

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but I don't really think it should be made up of people like me.

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I was the only person in our sixth form that wasn't made a prefect -

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I wasn't seen as suitable material.

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Never thought I would be wearing this stuff.

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I am really not policeman material.

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It is easier to police a crowd when you have a piranha on a string.

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So Ian took me to meet the attack dogs.

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Think 101 Dalmatians on Stella.

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General-purpose police dog, tend to get very territorial

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when they are in the kennels.

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It's like Battersea Dogs Home for nutters.

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-He looks like one powerful...

-He's got a very, very hard bite.

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Very hard.

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Ian suggested I let his hairy piranha attack me.

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I couldn't wait to get savaged.

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'I begged him to let me do it naked, but he insisted I wear a bite suit.'

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What kind of dogs are these?

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-German Shepherd, Belgian Shepherd and Dutch Herder.

-Do I get a choice?

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-No, you'll have what you're given, I'm afraid.

-I'm not a big fan of angry ones.

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-I know you can train them...

-They're safe dogs.

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You can't get 100% with dogs, they're animals, they can't be 100% predictable.

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The trousers are a bit short as well!

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It looks like my mum has taken them up.

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Hopefully they won't bite you on the ankles.

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'This was it.

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'A post-watershed One Man and His Dog.'

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-That four-legged one, there, that's him.

-That's Finn, yeah.

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-Finn, he looks a right dick.

-Belgian Shepherd.

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'Finn won the toss and chose to play the dog.

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'I lost and played the frisbee, AKA a troublemaker.'

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-Hey, four legs! I'll have you, pal!

-That's the sort of thing.

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Hey, Scooby Doo! Come on! You're nothing without Shaggy.

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-Come on, Scooby!

-Put something into it.

-Come on, Scrappy!

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I'm only joking! Oh, Christ on a bike!

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Aagh! Christ!

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-How was that?

-That was genuinely...

-Ready?

-Genuinely terrifying.

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Sit up, then.

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Horrific damage, that would have done.

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Got your breath back? Off you go.

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-Bloody terrifying!

-Stop! Stop, now!

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-Run!

-Hold him!

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Oh, no!

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Aagh!

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Get off! Get off me! Get off me! Stop it! Get off!

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-That's the bruising off him.

-And that's with the protective suit on.

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He's gone through that.

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Finn, man, you've got to sort your temper out!

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-Can I meet him now, nicely?

-He should be fine.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

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I've got half a suit on, remember. Finn! Finn, what are you doing?

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-Finn! Finn, oi!

-Probably best to take the bite suit off, isn't it?

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Because now he's seen you running about, so he knows what...

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Yeah, I'm going to take this off.

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Finn was to flesh what steam was to wallpaper, so I moved on to another dog.

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This one was even bigger. Steph told me it was actually a horse.

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'This afternoon, Reuben and I would be South Wales's answer to the Lone Ranger and Silver.

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'But for some reason, we just didn't click.'

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-OK.

-I still can't do the clicky noise. Can you do it as well?

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-SHE MAKES A CLICKING SOUND

-What is it with horse people?

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Left leg up.

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-HE GRUNTS AND STRAINS

-Can't he bend down like a camel?

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Aagh! Aagh!

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-HORSE SNORTS

-Oh, one plum down!

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Come on, Reuben! Come on!

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-Click, click, click!

-That's it, well done.

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Click, click, click!

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-Come on, come on!

-Come on, kick him.

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I'm kicking him, I'm kicking the shit out of him!

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-Come on, kick him harder.

-Come on! That's my boy.

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Oh, literally plum crumble!

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Don't bite that horse.

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Come on, Reuben, don't get distracted.

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My horse is biting other horses. Reuben, what are you doing?!

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Don't bite that horse. No biting, come on.

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See? Nice when you all get along, isn't it?

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I left my shattered plums on ice and went to chill out with the PSU team.

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If the shit on the streets really hits the fan, these guys go in

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like heavy-duty toilet paper.

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-So, this is stab proof, is it?

-Er, yes.

-Bullet-proof?

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-No, it's bullet resistant.

-That's unbelievable.

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Waterproof means you can go out and it will repel water, whatever.

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Water resistant means in a shower, you'll be all right.

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So, a light spraying of bullets, you'll be all right?

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A light shocking, yes, but I think a machine gun, possibly not, no.

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'The forecast was bullet drizzle, so I kitted up.

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'A postman might always ring twice, these guys were not quite as patient.

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'I've never forced an entry before. I opened the door

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'of my mother's Advent calendar once, but this was hardcore.'

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Breach!

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Ohh!

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OK, we've come into the VDP suite,

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which is the violent, deranged person.

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A violent, deranged person?

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Yeah, violent, deranged through either drink or drugs,

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or mental health issues.

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The VDP will be Matt, one of our trainers.

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He looks quite charming and happy, looks nice enough!

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You'd be surprised what can be used as a weapon against you.

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Samurai swords, knives, needles, sadly, have been used.

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We could be going into a place and they could have a Samurai sword and they're lashing at you?

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I know some of the troops have got experiences where that has actually happened to them.

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'The closest I've come to disarming a violent, deranged person

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'is confiscating my nephew's water pistol. But someone had been in Matt's locker

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'and worn his Spiderman pants again, and he had flipped. So we went in.'

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Put the weapon down! Do as they say! Put the weapon down, now!

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SHOUTING AND CRASHING

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OK, listen to me, drop the weapon! Good lad.

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Drop him down to the floor. OK, put them on. Handcuffs on.

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You are one VDP, Matt. My God!

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I genuinely wasn't expecting you to properly go for it for real like that.

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That's the whole point, isn't it?

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Headbutts, you were throwing headbutts as well, mate!

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What was that about? You properly lost it, didn't you?

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I've been mauled by a police attack dog, given an unruly horse

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and then been beaten to bits with a sawn-off pickaxe handle.

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It's been scary enough doing them today in a training environment.

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What that's going to be like for real, I already know that this isn't for me.

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Like a hamster gaffer-taped to a cheese board,

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I couldn't walk away now.

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With months of training crammed into a few bonecrushing hours, it was time for me to become a cop.

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I hobbled down to Cardiff Bay Police Station

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and was only slightly late for a dawn briefing on a drugs raid.

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Some checks have been made on the address.

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It has the classic signs of being a cannabis factory.

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As soon as the doors are open, I will go in first.

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Be aware of any booby-traps or anything untoward.

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You said booby-traps...

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There have been issues where door handles have been wired up to

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the mains electricity, and also where there have been trip wires

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and when they are triggered, a sharpened object will fly down

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the stairs, or come out of somewhere where it has been spring-loaded.

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I am a little bit apprehensive about this drugs raid.

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All this talk of flak jackets and booby-traps

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and organised crime, it's bound to get you a little bit nervous.

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It's all a bit Indiana Jones.

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But fingers crossed, there won't be any giant spiders

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or massive balls chasing us down the corridor.

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'To stop me running away, I was handcuffed to PC Simon Walker.'

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First job of the day, cannabis factory.

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Warrant. Misuse of Drugs Act.

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-You keep hold of that.

-What's this?

-That's the warrant.

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That gives us the power to actually get in the house, kick the door in.

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-So if anybody stops us, I say, whoa, look, I've got a warrant?

-Exactly.

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Don't lose it. Otherwise we'll get sued.

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-How many of these have you done, Simon?

-Lots.

-Nervous first time?

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-Must have been an adrenaline rush.

-Yeah.

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-But you enjoy it?

-Yeah. It's a bit of excitement, isn't it?

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-Kidding you on?

-Not any more.

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THEY CHUCKLE

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This type of thing might have given Simon a crotch Cornetto,

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but as we arrived, I was way too nervous to be excited.

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Police! Stay where you are!

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BLEEP!

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I've got the warrant.

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You're under arrest, OK? Concerned in the production of cannabis.

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You don't have to say anything, but it may harm your defence

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if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court.

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'Whoever was inside either used a hell of a lot of parsley,

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'or they were the Alan Titchmarsh of the drugs world.'

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-Definitely not for your own use, that.

-No.

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Or if it is, no wonder he didn't hear us knocking.

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-Right, here we go.

-Whoa, look at that!

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-It's the green, green grass of home.

-Go in if you want.

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It's a serious operation - the whole room is sealed off.

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-It's a massive amount of work goes into this, Simon.

-Yes.

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What are these huge vents for, then?

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They are the extractors, to get rid of the smell.

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'If I was an estate agent, I would describe this house as having

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'plenty of green space with bijou living quarters.'

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This is all in the kitchen of the house.

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A massive TV in the unit and a Sky box or whatever it is.

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-Then there's a dartboard!

-Yeah, there's always time for darts.

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-He had a bull's-eye there, look.

-25.

-25, yeah, technically.

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It's funny, when you look round, you get a picture of somebody's life.

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A little lace loofah.

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Wouldn't necessarily associate that with organised crime.

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Got some weedkiller down there.

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Why would you have weedkiller if you're growing weed?

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It's hard to imagine when you would use this seat.

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All right? What you up to?

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Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you were having a shit.

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I find it fascinating that this entire house has been

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converted solely for the production of cannabis.

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And yet, one guy living in the back still recycles.

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Still got a sense of civic duty. It's interesting.

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"I must remember to take the recycling out on Tuesday."

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So, this is a room that's been harvested.

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-So, this is all just waste after the buds have gone?

-Yeah.

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-Some on your nose.

-What, there's a bit of cannabis on my nose?

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-Is there?

-Yes. Gone.

-Has it gone?

-Yes.

-I've got cannabis on my nose!

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I don't think it's for me, a police officer, do you?

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'I had to try to keep my nose clean,

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'because it was time to nip this factory in the bud.'

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Simon's wearing a mask, so I guess I should put mine on as well.

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This is to stop the, er,

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stop the evil effects of marijuana affecting me.

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'We had hundreds of plants to bag for destruction,

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'but I'm not sure our masks were 100% effective in protecting us

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'from the cannabis spores.'

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# Johnny's in the basement, mixing up the medicine

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# I'm on the pavement, thinking about the government

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# Look out, kids, no matter what you did

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# Don't know when, but you're doing it again. #

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-HE INHALES DEEPLY

-Whoo!

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Look at this. An alternative Father Christmas. Ho-ho-ho!

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-Ho-hey!

-Ho-hey! Oi, oi!

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It does seem a shame that someone has gone to all this trouble,

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time, money, care, they've invested all this time

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and effort and care in this, and we're just ripping it all out.

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It does seem a shame. Even just from a gardening perspective, you know?

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Just purely from a horticultural perspective.

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This is the search warrant for the premises,

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which I'm leaving in here for the landlord.

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Arguably, a bit late.

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After we blew 70 quid on pick and mix,

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Simon dropped me off at a speed enforcement exercise.

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This afternoon was what I had been dreading, giving the public stick

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as a pseudo-officer of the law.

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It's a straight road and it can be a quick road.

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We've had numerous complaints from people living in the area

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and concerns from the headteacher at the local school.

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We will warn the drivers of their speed if they're doing in excess of 40 mph.

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-Over 50?

-We will fine them and they will receive points.

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'I was posted with the force's own Dirty Harry - Stinking Jeff.

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'But business was slow.'

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We haven't even got a single car on the street yet.

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It's like waiting for a bus.

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You wait half an hour and then three come together.

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As long as they're speeding, I don't mind.

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-The bike's doing 16 mph.

-16, is it? Good work.

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How fast these seagulls going, then? Lock on. Come on, Maverick!

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I just wanted to see how fast this romantic couple was walking, hand-in-hand.

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-What's this jogger doing, Jeff?

-I'm not going to lock on.

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Not without moving the tripod, it's all balanced now.

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'Stinking Jeff had arrested three seagulls and a cat

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'when Jenson Button's grandparents flew by in a 40 mph blur.'

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40.

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Oh, I feel bad now, do you feel guilty?

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My partner says to me, you wouldn't book me, would you? I don't know what vehicle it is.

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Would you book your partner if she...

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-If she's exceeding the speed, yes.

-Bloody hell, Jeff!

-Shouldn't speed.

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You are... Look at you! It's like looking into the eyes of Pol Pot.

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'Stinking Jeff had had enough, so Whiffy Pants Gilbert took over

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'and immediately bagged himself a taxi on a death wish.'

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-43.

-43.

-43!

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You were doing 43 in a 30. Slow down.

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-53, 53.

-Finger off.

-They're both doing it.

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If we see you again in the area today, and you do get stopped

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going over the speed limit, you will be reported for that, OK?

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Fine. 29. Do you want to have a word, or...?

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'Minutes later, the confrontation I'd been dreading.

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'Piss Stench Gilbert was about to become the strong arm of the law.'

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I'm panicking now.

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I've started panicking all of a sudden about talking to these guys.

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Just doing a speed reduction exercise in the area today.

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Can I just take a few details? Is that OK? Can I take your name?

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-Leyton Bowen.

-And what's your address?

-Carmarthen.

-Carmarthen?!

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HE LAUGHS

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It's you! It's you, man!

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-It IS you! I know you! Christ!

-THEY LAUGH

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-I haven't seen you for...!

-Would you believe that?

-I haven't seen you.

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We used to play football and that. I can't believe it!

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-We go to let him go. Is it?

-Yeah, we'll give him a warning.

-Yeah!

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We'll just warn you today, man! It's fine!

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Hey, take it easy, man! Do you still live in Carmarthen? Do you?

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All right. I'll see you down there!

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How embarrassing is that?! Pulled over one person and I know them.

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'I was pleased I'd avoided confrontation.

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'But if I was going to police a big match day, I needed to be able

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'to deal with strangers, so Simon took me on patrol.'

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We're going to watch Grangetown and Butetown,

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and if anything comes up outside there, and we can assist,

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we'll assist with that.

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-Fruit Pastille?

-No thanks, Rhod.

-Black one, mind.

-Go on, then.

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Put that back in the old utility belt! What have you got in yours?

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-Handcuffs?

-CS gas.

-CS gas. And a torch.

-A baton.

-And a baton.

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I've got a crunchy, Fruit Pastilles and a Duo Mars Bar.

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Do you know two coppers who'll enjoy a Mars Bar later on?

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I know one! THEY LAUGH

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Right, look at this guy now. This is ridiculous.

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-Put a little pressure on him.

-Put a bit of pressure on.

0:16:490:16:52

He's got L plates on, but he's trying to do a three-point turn.

0:16:520:16:55

Just fire a few shots into the air!

0:16:550:16:57

'Simon was easing

0:16:570:16:59

'E-Coli pants Gilbert into a visible public role ahead of the big day.

0:16:590:17:02

'I had to learn what to look for and what to ignore.'

0:17:020:17:05

Shoe abandoned. Does that happen a lot?

0:17:050:17:07

-We'll treat it as not suspicious until otherwise told.

-Would you?

0:17:070:17:10

You're not looking hard enough, Si.

0:17:100:17:12

We could seal the place off and then discover

0:17:120:17:15

it's just a pair of abandoned shoes.

0:17:150:17:17

'Like Kofi Annan in a high-vis, I had to keep the peace.'

0:17:170:17:20

-He swore at him and he swore at him.

-Who swore to who now?

0:17:200:17:23

-No-one.

-Who's been swearing?

0:17:230:17:24

It wasn't us! It was that other one!

0:17:240:17:26

Why don't we, I've got an idea, why don't we all sing, We Are The World?

0:17:260:17:31

-You know that?

-Yeah, We Are The World.

0:17:310:17:33

# We are the world

0:17:330:17:34

-# We are the children. #

-Oh, Michael Jackson!

-Come on, man!

0:17:340:17:37

# We are the ones who make a brighter day! #

0:17:370:17:41

I've got to wait another six months for my watch to be correct again.

0:17:410:17:45

All the changing of the hours. I can't work it out.

0:17:450:17:48

-Happens every year.

-You can't work out

0:17:480:17:49

-how to put your watch an hour forward or back?

-Yeah.

0:17:490:17:52

Do you want me to drive or...?

0:17:550:17:57

'Tooled up like Robocop at a tuck-shop,

0:17:570:17:59

'I had my first bout of serious public interaction.'

0:17:590:18:03

Hey, what about the parking outside here?!

0:18:030:18:05

Slightly nervous about confrontation about this situation.

0:18:050:18:09

He comes down here and puts tickets on the first three cars

0:18:090:18:12

and he don't come past here. We've got to pay to park here,

0:18:120:18:15

-but we can't park here. What kind of deal is that?

-Hey, here's a plan.

0:18:150:18:19

If the police are never coming down and the council never come,

0:18:190:18:21

-don't bother getting a permit, just park out there. Huh?

-But then...

0:18:210:18:25

I think I did OK there, Simon, what do you think?

0:18:250:18:27

-You were awesome, Rhod.

-No need to be sarcastic, I was all right.

-Oh, you were awesome!

0:18:270:18:31

-You know when we stopped back there for that situation.

-Yeah?

0:18:310:18:34

I just get apprehensive. I don't like confrontation.

0:18:340:18:37

I get apprehensive that something is going to escalate.

0:18:370:18:39

What's the most nerve-wracking situation you've been in?

0:18:390:18:42

Issues with knives, people in houses with knives.

0:18:420:18:45

People threaten to harm themselves with a knife,

0:18:450:18:47

you have to go in and disarm them.

0:18:470:18:49

And then when you get involved, they want to harm you.

0:18:490:18:51

-So that's not very nice.

-If that happens tonight, you're on your own!

0:18:510:18:54

I'm just telling you that now! Just so we're clear.

0:18:540:18:57

I can't be any clearer than that. You're on your own, pal!

0:18:570:19:00

Literally out of there like a shot, I am!

0:19:000:19:03

'Dog foul trousers Gilbert was fast learning that this job

0:19:030:19:06

'was about dealing with the unexpected.'

0:19:060:19:08

Simon and I have just stumbled upon an accident.

0:19:080:19:10

Somebody was waiting to turn right, bike comes around the outside,

0:19:100:19:13

they've turned right, bang, into the side.

0:19:130:19:15

Bike's gone into a Fiat. Bike rider's come off worse.

0:19:150:19:18

He's all right. Shaken up. This is yours, is it? It is.

0:19:180:19:22

-Did that shake you up?

-It did.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:19:220:19:24

Well, at the end of the day, nobody's hurt, that is

0:19:240:19:27

all that matters, really with these things, isn't it? You know.

0:19:270:19:30

'My confidence was building.

0:19:300:19:32

'I realised I had an infallible nose for crime detection,

0:19:320:19:36

'a built in crimivibe.'

0:19:360:19:38

Well dodgy, this one. Well dodgy. Definitely something going on.

0:19:380:19:40

You can ignore it if you want.

0:19:400:19:42

-No, I think they're all right.

-Do you?

0:19:420:19:44

-We'll wait for the call.

-We'll see what happens.

0:19:440:19:46

We'll wait for the call. Dodgy. Definitely dodgy.

0:19:460:19:51

-The man at the doorstep?

-The man at the doorstep.

0:19:510:19:53

Too much paperwork, Si, isn't it?!

0:19:530:19:55

Easier just to drive around, put your head in the sand.

0:19:550:19:57

What did we think was happening?

0:19:570:20:00

Well, I don't know, it's just a vibe. I don't get a full report.

0:20:000:20:03

'Just then, my crimivibe went off again.

0:20:030:20:06

'But PC Walker wanted none of it.'

0:20:060:20:08

Hello. Here's a vibe, boys.

0:20:080:20:09

I've got the vibe, if you're interested.

0:20:090:20:11

One little message coming through on the old vibe-o-phone.

0:20:110:20:14

-What does it say?

-It said, look at those people down an alley.

0:20:140:20:17

They're up to no good.

0:20:170:20:18

I've definitely, well, it's up to you, I've definitely got the vibe.

0:20:200:20:23

PC Walker has chosen to ignore me at 6:50.

0:20:230:20:25

Definitely, 100%, up to no good back there.

0:20:250:20:28

-What were they doing, Rhod?

-They were down an alley, up against a wall.

0:20:280:20:32

Too close to a wall, how often do you stand in normal life,

0:20:320:20:35

this close to a wall, facing it?

0:20:350:20:38

Unless you're fascinated by brickwork.

0:20:380:20:40

I think they were walking down the alley and they were facing us.

0:20:400:20:44

If they are 16-year-old quantity surveyors, right, then, you win.

0:20:440:20:48

-I'll have a Crunchie. Do you want a bit of Crunchie?

-Nah.

0:20:480:20:52

-It's very quiet.

-Very quiet.

0:20:540:20:56

Well, it is quiet if you ignore everything!

0:20:560:20:58

We could drive past a ruddy riot, and you go, it's quiet.

0:20:580:21:02

'PC Ostrich ignored my crimivibe time and again

0:21:020:21:04

'until finally his went off.'

0:21:040:21:07

There's a car pulled over there,

0:21:070:21:09

and the back of the car was all black bags.

0:21:090:21:12

-Was it? Are you going to have a look?

-Yeah.

0:21:120:21:15

Oh, he's got a few black bags in the back of his car.

0:21:150:21:19

-Well, you know, he could be conveying cannabis.

-You've got some...

0:21:190:21:24

WEIRD ideas, you get. He's probably just going to the tip.

0:21:240:21:27

Could be going to the charity shop to take his old clothes

0:21:270:21:30

and things in there. What are you going to say?

0:21:300:21:33

Why have you got some black bags in the back of your car?

0:21:330:21:36

SIREN BLARES

0:21:360:21:39

-What are you going to say to him?

-What's in your bags?

0:21:390:21:42

-What's in your bags?!

-With a bit of luck it is absolutely fine.

0:21:420:21:44

If it is fine, I'm going to arrest you for wasting police time!

0:21:440:21:48

-Is it just, is it a waste, is it?

-Yeah.

0:21:480:21:50

Oh, right, no worries, that's fine.

0:21:500:21:53

-OK.

-Thanks a lot.

-Thanks for your time.

-Sorry about that.

0:21:550:21:58

-It's all right.

-Conscientious.

0:21:580:22:00

Instead of fly tipping, he's taking them to the tip.

0:22:000:22:03

He deserves a medal!

0:22:030:22:05

'The truth was, I had learned loads from Simon's gentle,

0:22:050:22:07

'firm-but-fair policing. With my match day challenge looming,

0:22:070:22:11

'watching him in action had made me a lot more confident.'

0:22:110:22:15

'This was it. My final day in uniform.

0:22:180:22:20

'A major rugby event at the Millennium Stadium,

0:22:200:22:23

'and I'd be part of a team policing 200,000 fans

0:22:230:22:25

'packed into an area the size of a disabled toilet.

0:22:250:22:28

'I had to be ready for anything, so I packed my utility belt with

0:22:280:22:31

'Haribos and switched on my crimivibe for pick-pockets,

0:22:310:22:34

'hooligans, serial killers and imitation pasties.

0:22:340:22:38

'At Cardiff Central Station, I met my new partner in un-crime,

0:22:380:22:41

'Sgt Karen McNeil.

0:22:410:22:43

'She gave us the low-down.'

0:22:430:22:46

Good morning, everybody, welcome to the briefing for our

0:22:460:22:49

Wales and Italy rugby international match.

0:22:490:22:53

Our aim today is obviously to look after the city's reputation.

0:22:530:22:57

So we're out there, we're making our community feel welcome.

0:22:570:23:01

Will, if you take Echo Yankee 12 and PC Gilbert,

0:23:010:23:03

you'll be Echo Bravo 12.

0:23:030:23:06

-Team of two with myself.

-What does that mean?

0:23:060:23:08

That's your call sign, so on the air,

0:23:080:23:11

if they require you to attend a call,

0:23:110:23:13

-they call you by that call sign.

-It's like the Sweeney.

0:23:130:23:16

-So me and you are like Cagney and Lacey.

-Yes.

0:23:160:23:18

We're a team of two today.

0:23:180:23:19

Cagney and Lacey, Starsky and Hutch, the Sweeney,

0:23:190:23:22

-and other things like that.

-Yeah.

-Awesome.

0:23:220:23:24

Do we have to get in through the window or can you open

0:23:240:23:26

-the door of the car?

-We'll use doors.

-Right.

0:23:260:23:30

'Criminals posing as rugby fans were arriving in droves in busses,

0:23:300:23:33

'and with kick-off just a few hours away,

0:23:330:23:35

'I was worried for all sorts of reasons.'

0:23:350:23:39

I know I'm going to look a dick, but I'm going to put aviators on.

0:23:390:23:42

I have to, because once we get to the town centre,

0:23:420:23:44

it's going to impede my policing ability if people recognise me.

0:23:440:23:48

I can't just go, hey, you, are you allowed to sell those hotdogs?

0:23:480:23:51

And he goes I saw you on Live At The Apollo last night.

0:23:510:23:53

'I knew the fans were just hardened criminals who hadn't done

0:23:530:23:56

'anything wrong yet. So we had to be on our guard.'

0:23:560:23:58

Now then, do I call you policewoman or police person or policeman?

0:23:580:24:03

Well, police officer I am.

0:24:030:24:04

As opposed to policewoman or police man, although

0:24:040:24:08

children do tend to call me lady policeman. Are you

0:24:080:24:10

-a lady police man?

-Definitely not. Under any circumstances,

0:24:100:24:14

-ladyboy policeman!

-Definitely not a ladyboy policeman! No!

0:24:140:24:17

'Sgt Ladyboy Policeman and I started our patrol,

0:24:170:24:22

'but straight away, the cracks started appearing.'

0:24:220:24:24

Now, surely we can arrest that. I think it's a crack den!

0:24:240:24:28

'I soon felt my crimivibe twitching.

0:24:280:24:31

'Thankfully, it was just Reuben, the plum-crushing wonder horse.'

0:24:310:24:35

Old stubborn Reuben! You crazy horse bastard!

0:24:350:24:38

-Have you hit anybody with your stick yet?

-No, not yet!

0:24:380:24:41

Ah, well, plenty of time! I've got a little form here. Read that.

0:24:410:24:45

South Wales Police, form F126,

0:24:450:24:47

complaint against a member of the police service.

0:24:470:24:49

I put in a complaint against you for smashing my plums up!

0:24:490:24:53

'As the crowd built, my crimivibe went bonkers.

0:24:530:24:56

'A vicious gang of thugs was intimidating pedestrians.'

0:24:560:25:00

I doubt they've got a performance licence, to be honest,

0:25:000:25:02

so it's about time we put a stop to this!

0:25:020:25:05

All right, boys? Have you got a performance licence?!

0:25:050:25:08

I'll leave you finish this song, boys!

0:25:080:25:10

THEY SING

0:25:100:25:12

Enjoy it, boys, it's your last few notes! That's enough of that!

0:25:120:25:16

-You take a photo.

-I don't want a photo! I don't want a photo!

0:25:160:25:20

-I am here to arrest people!

-I don't want to put a hat on!

0:25:200:25:23

I want to arrest people! I want to cause a ruckus!

0:25:230:25:26

I don't want to, mate! Clear this area, please! No licence, no play!

0:25:260:25:31

-On you go!

-CROWD JEERS

0:25:310:25:34

'Sergeant Ladyboy Policewoman Man

0:25:350:25:37

'and I set off in search of illegal traders.

0:25:370:25:40

'But my credibility was starting to crumble.'

0:25:400:25:42

Oh, I'm just getting recognised. I am supposed to be a policeman, man!

0:25:420:25:46

Yes, I do, I'm looking at you, and am thinking, I know him!

0:25:460:25:48

Well, I'm looking at you, thinking I know you!

0:25:480:25:50

I'm supposed to be an authority figure. I've got no credibility.

0:25:500:25:54

-We came to see you in The Grand, buddy!

-Did you?

0:25:540:25:56

-Yeah. We thought you were shit!

-Oh, thank you very much!

0:25:560:25:59

'The stadium is filling up, but nobody was taking me seriously.

0:25:590:26:02

'My crimivibe was being criminally underused.

0:26:020:26:05

'I had to do something drastic.'

0:26:050:26:07

Got to do something. I just can't get any policing done,

0:26:090:26:12

because I just get recognised all the time.

0:26:120:26:14

-Is it going to work?

-I think that will have everybody fooled.

0:26:140:26:17

-Completely.

-It's Rhod Gilbert!

-Brilliant! That's really worked!

0:26:170:26:21

-Have a look.

-They're shouting at me from five yards!

-I know.

0:26:210:26:23

-Hi, Rhod!

-It's not Rhod! I'm not Rhod!

0:26:230:26:26

I'm a policeman with a moustache! What can I do for you, young man?

0:26:260:26:29

Can I get a photo, please?

0:26:290:26:31

Why would you want a photo with a regular policeman?

0:26:310:26:33

-Because you're Rhod Gilbert.

-I'm not Rhod Gilbert!

0:26:330:26:37

I'm a policeman with a moustache!

0:26:370:26:39

'Lady Sergeant Police Girl Woman Boy and I got the fans

0:26:400:26:43

'safely into the stadium and the streets were suddenly eerily quiet.'

0:26:430:26:47

-All right, boys, anything happening?

-No. Quiet.

0:26:470:26:51

-Basically, the pubs are all full of people watching the match.

-They are.

0:26:510:26:55

There's nothing happening, we could be in the pub now

0:26:550:26:57

-watching the match.

-But anything could happen.

0:26:570:27:00

'And boy, was Ladyboy Woman Police Dog Horse Person Sergeant right.

0:27:000:27:05

'My crimivibe went off the scale! A whole volcano of shit erupted.'

0:27:050:27:10

'Things turned very, very ugly.'

0:27:100:27:14

-There's been a theft from the Oxfam shop.

-Has there?!

0:27:170:27:20

Somebody has gone in, picked up a scarf and walked out with it. So.

0:27:200:27:23

-Go on, Rod!

-Why would you?! Shush!

0:27:230:27:26

It's quite hard to catch people today with scarves,

0:27:260:27:29

seeing as there are about 74,000 people with Welsh scarves on.

0:27:290:27:32

-Can you describe him?

-He had quite a short haircut. Similar.

0:27:320:27:34

Oh, don't try and pin this on me!

0:27:340:27:37

-Adidas logo on his chest in blue.

-Right. Grey top, blue writing.

0:27:390:27:42

-What colour was the scarf he nicked?

-It was black and white.

0:27:420:27:45

Oh, black, never! Blue and black! You don't!

0:27:450:27:48

And what would the value of the scarf be?

0:27:480:27:51

It would only be about five pounds, but it was just...

0:27:510:27:53

If we arrange for you to come in and perhaps have a look at some

0:27:530:27:56

-photographs, you would be happy to do that?

-Definitely.

-OK.

0:27:560:28:00

Wouldn't do that for a £5 scarf, which you? We would. Would you?

0:28:000:28:03

-Absolutely.

-You'd get him in to look through some mugshots?

0:28:030:28:06

-Absolutely.

-For a £5 scarf?!

-Absolutely! Yeah.

0:28:060:28:09

'As thousands poured out of the stadium,

0:28:090:28:11

'Sgt Hermaphrodite Fishcake and I had stopped the madness in Oxfam

0:28:110:28:14

'spilling out onto the streets in the nick of time.

0:28:140:28:16

'To my relief, the day went off almost without incident.'

0:28:160:28:20

So is that it, for incidents for today? One £5 scarf?

0:28:200:28:23

-Lady's scarf, pinched by drunk bloke.

-It's not bad, is it?

0:28:230:28:27

Not bad for the city centre.

0:28:270:28:31

I'll tell you, the crime stats will be looking pretty good.

0:28:310:28:34

'My time as a cop had come to an end,

0:28:340:28:36

'and despite my awesome crimivibe I just wasn't police officer material,

0:28:360:28:40

'but I had surprised myself and enjoyed the friendly neighbourhood

0:28:400:28:43

'side to policing and met fantastic officers whose kindly presence

0:28:430:28:46

'on the street let the public get on with their lives in confidence.

0:28:460:28:50

'But I'm a coward.

0:28:500:28:51

'Putting myself in danger doesn't come naturally to me

0:28:510:28:54

'and I take my moustache off to those who do it day after day.'

0:28:540:28:57

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:090:29:11

Stand-up comedian Rhod Gilbert is always told he has the toughest job in the world, but now he is facing his hardest ever audience as he goes on patrol with South Wales Police. Rhod dons a bite suit and feels the full force of the jaw at police dog training. He also saddles up with the mounted police and helps keep the crowds safe on match day in Cardiff. Can Rhod really walk the thin blue line or is he just not PC?


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