Wedding Planner Rhod Gilbert's Work Experience


Wedding Planner

Rhod Gilbert becomes a wedding planner for a Valleys couple who want a Hollywood-themed event. What will the bride make of his chaotic contributions?


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Transcript


LineFromTo

I'm Rhod Gilbert, stand-up comedian. People tell me I've got the toughest job in town

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but I'm sure I'd find other things far more difficult.

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I'm ditching my regular job and trying something different. This is my Work Experience.

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This programme contains some strong language.

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And this week, I'm a wedding planner.

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So I'm going to be a wedding planner.

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Two things worry me about that. One is the wedding. Two, the planning.

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Because I couldn't really give a toss about weddings.

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'I ushered myself over to a wedding planning school in Swansea.

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'Samantha and Amber knew more about getting hitched than Simon Cowell's trousers.'

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My job is to train wedding planners,

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so they don't ruin the most important day of somebody else's life.

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I'm just not a weddingy person. I just don't care.

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I'm one of those people who goes, "20 grand on a wedding?!

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"You could buy a car for that!"

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-Sounds like there's a lot of work to be done.

-Yeah.

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Because really the number one thing is that you instil confidence in your bride.

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She's been thinking about this since she was probably about five.

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If you mess this up,

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that girl that lives in all women is going to be a very sad little girl.

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'I'd never been a five-year-old girl and like a man who's just

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'eaten 48 bananas, I was still finding it hard to give a shit.

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'Wedding bot Amber was worried.'

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In order for a bride to like you, it's important that you don't

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do or say anything that's going to upset your relationship.

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Try not to ask them about previous relationships, ex-partners...

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Try not to bring up the bride's weight.

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I can think of a lot of inappropriate things to say to a bride and groom in my first meeting.

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Please, please don't!

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'But the more wedding bot told me about the role, the less seriously I was taking it.'

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It might be things like helping her to use the toilet while she's got her enormous dress on.

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I've unravelled a few thongs in my time.

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What, during the wedding, they've gone to the toilet on their wedding day and you,

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as a wedding planner, your job extends to unravelling their thong while they go to the toilet?

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-Yes. Not very often, I'm pleased to say.

-It's pretty hands on!

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-That comes back to trust again.

-What about with the groom?

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-Have you ever had to go in and...?

-I'm not sure you're taking this seriously!

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'I just couldn't get my head round it. In an effort to help me focus, Samantha showed me her box.'

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This is my big pink box. Everyone always thinks,

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-"Oh, the wedding planner and her big pink box."

-Do they?

-They do.

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I never thought, "Oh, the wedding planner and her big pink box."

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-I've never had that thought.

-I turn up, people think, "It's the wedding planner."

-And her big pink box.

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It's a big pink box.

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'Samantha's box wasn't helping me get serious.

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'especially as she reeled off its contents like a post-apocalyptic Generation Game.'

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Sticky rolly. Insect repellent. Foot spray.

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-Matches and lighters. Tit tape.

-Tit tape?

-Tit tape.

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-Diarrhoea relief.

-Tablets for flu, tablets for indigestion. Plant food.

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How urgently is a plant going to need feeding at a wedding?

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-Do you think you can put one of these together?

-No.

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You're going to have to.

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'Nothing had worked so far, but the wedding bot thought some role-play with an actor might help me

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'take it more seriously. She'd dreamt up a nightmare scenario.'

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The cake has arrived, but it's the wrong cake.

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-And you have to deal with the situation.

-OK.

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This is the cake.

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-It's nothing like the cake!

-It's not even like the cake.

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It must be something like it - it's cake.

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It's being paid for by Samantha's grandmother as her wedding present for her.

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What if I just smash the shit out of it and we tell everyone it's Eton Mess?

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Just make this end!

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'The wedding bot wasn't happy with my progress, but I switched her off and on again and she was fine.

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'She agreed to let me plan a real wedding.'

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So that's all your wedding planner school course finished today.

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I'm going to leave you in Samantha's very capable hands.

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As a professional wedding planner, she's going to take you to the next step.

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I'm going to be introducing you to a couple who are willing to let

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you take on the planning and coordination of their wedding day.

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What's wrong with them?! Why would you do that?!

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They've put a lot of trust into you.

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-I know you won't let me down.

-I won't.

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-Or your new couple.

-Or them. Or myself.

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HE LAUGHS

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I'm here in Miskin, near Cardiff, to meet the couple.

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A foolish couple who've agreed to let me plan their wedding.

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I don't know anything about them.

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I don't know what they've got in mind for their wedding, but I know how much is riding on this.

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'I'd be Samantha's reluctant apprentice.

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'She was waiting to brief me before I met the freaks who'd agreed to let me plan their wedding.'

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-Sarah and Gareth are the bride and groom.

-Sarah and Gareth.

-Yes.

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-And they're through there.

-And they're through there, with Sarah's sister, Emma,

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and Sarah's mum and dad, Marilyn and Craig.

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And your job today is to sit down with them all, make them

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feel relaxed and they need to walk away today feeling that they

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can trust you to deliver their wedding day exactly to plan.

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'I was nervous. The closest I've come to giving anyone a day to remember is

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'giving them three minutes they'd rather forget.'

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-Hello.

-This is Sarah, the bride.

-Hello, Sarah, the bride.

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-Nice to meet you.

-This is Gareth, the groom.

-Hello, Gareth, the groom.

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Hello.

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-Hello, Marilyn.

-Rhod.

-Craig.

-How do.

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'I had an hour or two to bond with these strangers and convince them I was up to the task.

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'So like a thong in a bride's backside, I had to get stuck in.'

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I've got try and get to know you now.

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I've got to be your best friend.

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-Have you already got a best friend?

-Yes.

-Who is it?

-Emma.

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-Emma, you're off the books.

-LAUGHTER

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-I'm the new best friend. First time married?

-Yes.

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-They told me not to ask that.

-LAUGHTER

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They said, specifically, don't ask that, but I'm just too curious.

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How will the MOB...? Oh, mother of the bride, sorry.

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How will the MOB travel to the ceremony?

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-What have I got myself into?

-LAUGHTER

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Theme. Colour scheme.

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-Blue. Royal blue.

-Royal blue colour scheme.

-But the theme is Movies.

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We'd kind of like some props there, giant Oscars maybe. Things like that.

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-Directors' chairs.

-That kind of thing.

-Yeah, for the top table.

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How long is the bar free till?

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As you can tell from my accent, it's not!

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LAUGHTER

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So you're outside having your photos and you're there going,

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-"That's £1.40, please."

-LAUGHTER

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-'They're really nice.'

-'They are lovely, aren't they?'

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Even though weddings, I don't really give a shit, I'm not bothered,

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blah blah blah, for them, I really, really care.

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You've met Gareth and Sarah and you've got to know them.

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-And that's now who you care about.

-It's their special day!

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They're lovely. You just want to love them.

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-And I'm Sarah's new best friend!

-Are you seriously her best friend?

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-Yeah, yeah! I'd better text her.

-You should do.

-It's been too long.

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'Boom! Meeting them had made me take it seriously,

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'but I still knew sod all about weddings and needed to swot up.

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'The smell of icing sugar and diminishing freedom took me

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'to a wedding fair near Carmarthen.' This is where it starts to get real.

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I don't think I've ever felt quite as out of place in my life.

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'I knew less about perfect romantic environments than Ross Kemp's

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'toilet brush, but with the MOB and family on their way to meet me, I had to learn fast.'

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-How much would something like this cost?

-£495.

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£495?!

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-Yes.

-For a cake?!

-It's about a week's worth!

-If you go round ASDA at the right time,

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you'll get it for about three quid!

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I've been told if the bride's thong got stuck up there,

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then it would be my job to go under there and get it.

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It depends. If you're happy to do that kind of thing...?

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I'm happy to do that kind of thing!

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Give me a practice go. Right? So the thong is stuck up there. Wow!

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How do you get past all this stuff?

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-How do you get past...?

-Straight under.

-Oh, yeah! I'm under, I'm in!

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And...twang! It's out.

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'I was getting a cheeky glimpse of the more positive sides of the job when the family arrived.'

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Thanks for coming down. We're going to see what you like, what you don't like,

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-see what ideas I've got and we'll just...put the whole thing together.

-Great.

-Brilliant.

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'I was learning, but now I needed to start acting like their

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'wedding planner and find things for their Hollywood theme.'

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If you don't want a chocolate fountain, you don't have to.

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-He doesn't want a chocolate fountain.

-Do you want one?

-If it's no from Gareth, it's no from me.

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-If it's no from Gareth, it's no from you.

-Yes.

-I'm guessing that's largely not true.

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SHE LAUGHS

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It's not for everybody. It's the wow factor, it is a big wow factor.

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We put wedding rings into a little pouch, she'll fly down the aisle, land on the glove, take the bag off

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and she'll fly away and let you get on with the ceremony.

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I'm sorry, that just sounds fucking mental.

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Why don't you just release a load of elephants and rhinos

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-and stuff in the reception as well.

-I've got a vulture.

-A vulture?!

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Nothing looks nicer at the front of a wedding than the bride and groom and a vulture next to them!

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'I was Sarah's new best friend and she confided in me that she

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'wanted to surprise her groom with a cake.'

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Separate to a wedding cake, it's something just for the groom.

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Just for Gareth, really. So it's supposed to describe his interests, what he is about really.

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-Have you had any thoughts about what that might be, what it might look like?

-Anything.

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I was thinking as extravagant as possible. He loves golf.

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So I thought we could do a golf kind of cake.

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'My job was getting more complicated.

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'Sarah expected me to just pull a groom's cake out of my arse

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'and now Craig and the MOB wanted extras too.'

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We want to do something different for her.

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-Some kind of surprise thing!

-That's right.

-Yes.

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But we're struggling to think of something that fits.

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'Sarah wanted to surprise Gareth, Craig and the MOB wanted to surprise Sarah.

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'I'd have to be Cilla Ruddy Black to pull this off!

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'Gareth pitched in with a surprise fact about Sarah and surprises.'

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Does Sarah like surprises? Is she good with them?

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She's not generally good with them.

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I think her uni friend surprised her to go to Dublin

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and she basically broke down because it was happening very quick and she wasn't in control.

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-She had a nervous breakdown?

-Basically, yeah!

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'Sarah was a surprise-a-crite. She was happy enough dishing them out,

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'but she couldn't hack surprises herself. Craig and the MOB had stitched me right up.'

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You want to surprise her, but she doesn't like surprises.

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It's her day. This is the way she wants it to be.

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We just need to make sure it's being executed to that plan.

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We don't want to upset her on the day.

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-I will see it as a failure on my part if she has a nervous breakdown.

-So will we!

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The pressure's on. I've got lots to do.

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There's things I've started to think about that work

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within their theme, but that don't upset her - that's the key.

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She doesn't like surprises.

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'Samantha and I had spread the workload. As her apprentice, my job was to grab their Hollywood

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'theme by the nuptials and run with it.

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'I had to organise surprises, but without committing bridal surprise-acide.

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'First up, the music they wanted for the reception.'

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'Welcome to the London Philharmonic Orchestra.

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'Please leave a message after the tone.'

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Oh, hi. I'm trying to book a small orchestra to perform at a wedding.

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'The Philharmonic didn't want my gig, but I wasn't about to give up.

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'I had an idea to get a Hollywood star along on the day and luckily, I'm so well connected,

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'I know people who know people who know people in showbiz.'

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I know that you know Chris O'Dowd and I know that he's one of their favourites

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and he was in Bridesmaids, which is one of the tables they've themed.

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'Oh, right. OK. Well, I can ask him.'

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-Do you think he'll do it?

-'I'm not sure where he is at the moment.

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'I'm not sure if he's here or in the States.'

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'I was getting nowhere. I'd been rushing round like a headless wedding owl

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'all morning and I still didn't have anything concrete. Maybe I'd have more luck with sponge.'

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She designed the Queen's Diamond Jubilee Cake.

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So if it's good enough for the Queen, then it's good enough for my little princess.

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'But would Royal Spongebob Jackie make my extravagant groom's cake at very short notice?'

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She wants to surprise the groom and she wants it to make a real impact.

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-It's in a room of 100 people.

-OK.

-So...over to you. We want "wow"!

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Golfing Oscar statue? Golf bag?

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-A full size golf club bag. That's what I was thinking.

-Put it on a trolley, put it on a golf trolley.

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-Golf clubs sticking out of the top?

-Definitely!

-Definitely.

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And if we can do it really well, hopefully,

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Gareth would believe that this is his set of golf clubs.

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He got on to the fairway and hit a ball so badly,

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the club fell apart in his hands! "This is a cake!"

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-Very doable.

-By a week Saturday?

-Er...yes. Still...doable.

-OK.

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'I had no idea if Sponge Jackie Whitepants could deliver and I was starting to worry my Hollywood theme

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'would just be me holding up a picture of Tom Cruise.

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'While hunting round for an American wedding car, I got a surprise. And it was a ruddy good one.'

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That's amazing!

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That's awesome!

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Chris O'Dowd is in!

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'I was up and running. I'd gone from not giving a toss about weddings to being

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'Wales's premier wedding bot. I was so excited, I decided to take things up a gear

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'and start my own wedding planning business. Give A Shit Weddings was born.'

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So something fancy and wedding plannery.

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Brand is all-important.

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I'd like to see "because we care" as well. I think that was the strap line I had in mind.

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-That's good.

-Nobody can say I don't care.

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I'm now fully involved in this. Up to my neck.

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Do you want to try reversing that out of a pink?

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That is lovely. Thanks very much.

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-OK, cheers.

-Give A Shit Weddings.

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THEY LAUGH

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I don't want to get carried away!

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'The wedding is tomorrow and everything needs to come together today.'

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It has to be great because it's Gareth and Sarah's...big day.

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As much as for me, it's a TV show and it's a Work Experience series, it really is their wedding.

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'With 24 hours to go, I was bucks fizzing with excitement.

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'But so far, my Hollywood theme consisted of a possible appearance from Chris O'Dowd. I needed more.'

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I'm looking for big, bold, Hollywood,

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things that make an impact.

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But I've got to get the line right between classy and tacky.

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And that's where Samantha's going to come in.

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-'What's in front of you?'

-What's in front of me?

-'Yeah.'

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-Well, a six foot zebra in a headdress.

-'Yeah, tacky!'

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-OK. A two foot elephant in a headdress.

-'Probably not either.'

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There's a penis wrapped in an American flag,

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putting ketchup on its head. Oh, it's a hotdog! I just realised.

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-What about a shark's head?

-'That's bordering too much on tacky.'

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-A life-size pirate with a hook.

-'No!

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-'We'll keep in touch. Let me know how you get on.'

-Will do. OK.

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I'm getting pretty desperate now.

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I'm looking for anything that might say... Finding Nemo?

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Plastic bunting. Chunky-style bunting.

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Who'd have thought there were so many different kinds of bunting? Nice bunting.

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"Nice bunting!" That sounds more like a sleazy compliment.

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I think people will enjoy a few... Ow!

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Not having that. That's lethal. Argh!

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A beaver who's had his entire face removed.

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Nice bunting.

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'I'd drawn a bit of a blank on classy props to fit the theme.

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'Maybe I'm watching the wrong movies, but a penis in a bun

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'and a faceless beaver don't really shout "classy" or "Hollywood."

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'But with a new employee, things would surely get easier?'

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This is my PA.

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Ralph.

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He's causing quite a bit of trouble on his first day at work.

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I'm going to have to let him go.

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Right, we've put Ralph on a crash diet. I think he should fit now.

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Welcome to Give A Shit Weddings. "Thank you very much."

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Ralph gave the company a real lift.

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He was as eager as a faceless beaver and straight away,

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he had a brainwave - if we couldn't find classy Hollywood props,

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Give A Shit Weddings would go the extra mile and make them.

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Oh!

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Just to keep you updated, I'm running a little behind,

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but that's because I'm making, from scratch,

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a three-foot Oscar statue made of ice.

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'Are you sure you should be making that?'

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I think you're going to be quite surprised and impressed.

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If you don't like that idea so much, there's other things we can do here.

0:16:190:16:22

They've got a naked torso with an erect phallus.

0:16:220:16:24

You can pour vodka in the top

0:16:240:16:26

and people can drink vodka out of his penis.

0:16:260:16:28

'That would kind of border on tacky and completely...'

0:16:280:16:32

I wasn't sure.

0:16:320:16:34

It's a maybe to the Oscar ice statue

0:16:340:16:36

and it's a definite no-no to the drinking vodka knob, yeah?

0:16:360:16:40

-'Yeah, a definite a no.'

-Roger.

0:16:400:16:43

We were knackered, but the day had been really productive

0:16:430:16:46

and it wasn't over yet.

0:16:460:16:48

It's the last stop for the day, it's ten to nine.

0:16:480:16:51

Gareth and Sarah wanted the 20th Century Fox music

0:16:510:16:54

on a little CD player or a little ghetto blaster

0:16:540:16:56

in the corner of the room as they enter the reception.

0:16:560:17:00

I've got something else planned.

0:17:000:17:02

I'm going to proper pimp their Fox.

0:17:020:17:04

This would be the world's shortest gig -

0:17:040:17:06

stuff the London Philharmonic, meet the Tongwynlais Temperance Band.

0:17:060:17:10

THEY PLAY 20TH CENTURY FOX THEME

0:17:130:17:15

-HE MOUTHS:

-Very good.

0:17:210:17:23

Oh, man! I've got the little hairs up on the back of my neck.

0:17:300:17:34

That is going to be brilliant. I'm not even getting married and I'm excited.

0:17:340:17:38

The day of the wedding,

0:17:380:17:39

and Ralph had thrown a sickie, so I had my work cut out.

0:17:390:17:41

I was desperate for this to go perfectly,

0:17:410:17:43

and raced to Miskin Manor to prepare the reception.

0:17:430:17:46

My big pink box would finally get to rub corners with Samantha's.

0:17:460:17:49

At the moment it's pretty bare

0:17:490:17:51

-apart from ghoulish animal faces staring at us.

-Yeah!

0:17:510:17:55

It reminds me of Craig, the same way as he looks at you. Have you noticed, Craig, father of the bride?

0:17:550:17:59

He looks at you all friendly and smiles and a little wink, but it's undercut with sinister.

0:17:590:18:03

If anything goes wrong he'll break my legs.

0:18:030:18:05

Yeah, he probably will if something goes wrong, yeah.

0:18:050:18:07

Straightaway, I'd hit a snag.

0:18:070:18:09

I'd managed to find the giant movie props Sarah and Gareth wanted,

0:18:090:18:12

but the ruddy things were flat-pack and I am to DIY

0:18:120:18:15

what a pair of chopsticks is to landscape gardening.

0:18:150:18:18

Will that do? That doesn't say Spielberg to me, no.

0:18:210:18:24

CRASHING

0:18:260:18:28

'That would have to do for now.

0:18:280:18:29

'I had more pressing stuff to give a shit about because over at

0:18:290:18:32

'Miskin village church, the vicar was already limbering up.

0:18:320:18:35

'If all's going well around now they should be saying their I dos,

0:18:350:18:38

'I wills, I promise and yes sir, no sir, three bags full, missus,

0:18:380:18:42

'and I'm hoping that's what's happening.'

0:18:420:18:45

Of course, you never know.

0:18:450:18:46

Maybe there's been some drama at the church and it's all gone breasts up.

0:18:460:18:51

The hotel staff, Samantha and I

0:18:510:18:52

rushed to get the wedding food place ready.

0:18:520:18:55

This was where Give A Shit Weddings really excelled -

0:18:550:18:58

those little details that make such a difference.

0:18:580:19:01

-Are you trying to send me crazy?

-Rob Jones sitting next to Sarah Baker.

0:19:030:19:09

Possibly two single ones there. Oh, no, Lucy Jones.

0:19:090:19:12

Unlucky, Rob, the wife's with you.

0:19:120:19:14

'All the surprises I'd organised needed finalising.

0:19:140:19:16

'There was still a mountain to climb,

0:19:160:19:18

-'so I set off while Samantha held the ladder.'

-'Hi, how are you?'

0:19:180:19:21

I'm all right, thanks, I'm up a ladder.

0:19:210:19:23

'What are you doing up a ladder?'

0:19:230:19:25

Well, I'm trying to reach something that was taller than me.

0:19:250:19:27

What do most people do up a ladder?

0:19:270:19:29

Remember that you are a secret,

0:19:310:19:33

so make every effort not to look like a brass band

0:19:330:19:36

arriving for a surprise gig.

0:19:360:19:38

'As well as all the donkey work,

0:19:380:19:40

'as MD of the company I was having to make crucial decisions on the fly.'

0:19:400:19:44

Just to confirm the ice sculpture arrival today?

0:19:440:19:48

'Yeah, OK, yeah. Did you want me to keep it as it is?

0:19:480:19:51

'Because you did mention putting a knob on it.'

0:19:510:19:54

How long does it take to pop a knob on him?

0:19:540:19:57

'It shouldn't take very long, but you will lose the Y-fronts then.'

0:19:570:20:00

Is your professional recommendation to stick with the Y-fronts

0:20:000:20:03

rather than upgrade to the willy?

0:20:030:20:05

'From an aesthetic point of view, I'd come down on the Y-fronts.

0:20:050:20:07

-'You can get back to me, all right?'

-Executive decision, we go Y-fronts.

0:20:070:20:11

'The room was ready, but if the MOB saw me looking like this,

0:20:110:20:14

'she'd have me whacked.

0:20:140:20:15

'Suit on, I rushed out to greet the guests.'

0:20:150:20:17

It is now 1.30 and my bride and groom should now be married.

0:20:170:20:21

I'm expecting them any moment, hopefully in a beautiful,

0:20:210:20:24

shiny Buick that came as a complete surprise.

0:20:240:20:27

'Half an hour later, we were still waiting.

0:20:270:20:29

'I was worried my surprise Hollywood car had either

0:20:290:20:31

'broken down or caused Sarah to.'

0:20:310:20:33

The possibility is that she's seen the Buick and had such a freak out.

0:20:330:20:37

She could be standing outside that church now, mascara down her front,

0:20:370:20:40

dress torn to shreds, looking like Robinson Crusoe.

0:20:400:20:43

-Complete nervous breakdown, because we've surprised with a Buick.

-Possibly.

0:20:430:20:46

That is when wedding planning goes wrong.

0:20:460:20:49

'The delayed wedding party was having knock-on effects.'

0:20:490:20:52

The whole band is supposed to be arriving at two o'clock

0:20:520:20:55

so we might have a little bit of a problem here.

0:20:550:20:57

'Right NOT on cue, the band arrived.

0:20:570:21:00

'I bundled them out of sight just in time - my surprise trumpets

0:21:000:21:03

'were almost blown because seconds later, Craig and the MOB rolled up.'

0:21:030:21:06

There they are.

0:21:060:21:09

-How was it?

-Oh, brilliant.

-Was it?

-Completely brilliant, yes.

0:21:090:21:11

-You're all smiling, that's a good sign.

-Yes, yes.

0:21:110:21:14

-All good?

-Very, very good.

-So far?

-Yes.

-Lovely.

-Hello!

-Hiya.

0:21:140:21:19

-The Buick, was it all right, all right?

-Brilliant.

0:21:190:21:21

-Is it all right?

-Brilliant, absolutely.

0:21:210:21:23

-They came out and it was...

-It hasn't broke down, has it?

0:21:230:21:26

We have been wondering where the hell it is?

0:21:260:21:28

They've gone off for some photos with it.

0:21:280:21:30

'It was a big relief.

0:21:300:21:31

'Apparently Sarah had taken my first surprise in her stride.

0:21:310:21:34

'Hopefully there'd be no dirty protests on the backseat.

0:21:340:21:37

'One surprise down, but loads to go.'

0:21:370:21:39

That is very, very cool.

0:21:390:21:42

-There they are, Mr and Mrs Griffiths, welcome.

-Thank you.

0:21:420:21:45

-Thank you very much.

-Welcome to Miskin Manor. How was it?

-Good.

0:21:450:21:50

-Good, yeah.

-Good?!

-Brilliant!

0:21:500:21:53

SHE LAUGHS

0:21:530:21:54

-What do you think of the car?

-It was great.

-Amazing.

-Lovely surprise.

-You don't like surprises.

0:21:540:21:59

-Was it all right?

-It was a good surprise.

-It was a good surprise.

0:21:590:22:02

'The band had been hiding in Craig's moustache,

0:22:020:22:04

'but it was time to bring them out and usher in the happy couple.

0:22:040:22:07

'Again, I was nervous. Either the bride would be beside herself

0:22:070:22:10

'or I'd be done for bridicide.'

0:22:100:22:11

That's the reaction we were looking for.

0:22:110:22:13

There was an, "Oh, my God" when the tuba came in, that's what I'm after.

0:22:130:22:16

Everyone, you're all good, you're all in? OK, we're going to do it.

0:22:160:22:19

-This is it.

-Yes.

-This is it. How are you feeling?

-Good.

-Good?

0:22:190:22:24

-Yeah, feeling good.

-Brilliant. Just don't trip up now.

0:22:240:22:28

Ladies and gentlemen, would you please all be upstanding

0:22:280:22:31

for the bride and groom, Mr and Mrs Griffiths!

0:22:310:22:35

APPLAUSE

0:22:370:22:40

BAND PLAYS 20TH CENTURY FOX THEME

0:22:400:22:43

Oh, I had genuine little hairs up on the back of my neck.

0:23:020:23:05

I had a genuine little tingle there, hey? A little trouser flutter.

0:23:050:23:08

Oh, yes!

0:23:080:23:09

'The speeches were under way.

0:23:090:23:11

'Every surprise that didn't kill Sarah made me stronger.

0:23:110:23:13

'I was possessed, obsessed with her and Gareth's happiness,

0:23:130:23:16

'so while Craig read out an itemised drinks bill,

0:23:160:23:18

'I snuck off to prepare the groom's cake.'

0:23:180:23:20

You are so kind, considerate, you would do anything for anyone,

0:23:200:23:24

and these are the reasons why I love you.

0:23:240:23:27

Gareth has said on numerous occasions that I can have what

0:23:270:23:30

I want for this wedding.

0:23:300:23:32

But I wanted Gareth to have something that was his

0:23:320:23:34

and to have a part of the wedding just for him.

0:23:340:23:38

Without further ado,

0:23:380:23:39

I would like to present to you, your very own groom's cake.

0:23:390:23:42

Just a quick note about it, when Sarah told me

0:23:420:23:44

she wanted to make a cake for Gareth, I was very lucky -

0:23:440:23:47

I managed to get hold of the lady who made

0:23:470:23:50

the Queen's Diamond Jubilee cake.

0:23:500:23:52

Unfortunately she wasn't available...

0:23:520:23:54

LAUGHTER

0:23:540:23:57

So I've made...

0:23:570:23:58

-Was this made by you, Rhod?

-That was made by me.

0:23:580:24:02

It's golf themed, it's got the word "golf" written on the top.

0:24:020:24:05

It's upside down, Sarah, it's upside down!

0:24:050:24:08

She WAS available and managed to knock up this little beauty.

0:24:090:24:15

This is a chocolate cake...

0:24:150:24:17

'Sarah had wanted Gareth's groom's cake to make an impact.

0:24:170:24:20

'Sponge Jackie's remarkable effort had twatted them

0:24:200:24:22

'300 yards down the fairway.'

0:24:220:24:24

That cake went really, really well. I'm really happy with that.

0:24:240:24:27

That was awesome, I got a proper little buzz

0:24:270:24:29

and I cried in the speeches.

0:24:290:24:32

'So far, so good.

0:24:330:24:35

'But the surprise was the big one,

0:24:350:24:36

'would Craig and Sarah feel I'd gone too far?

0:24:360:24:38

'If Sarah had a nervous breakdown. Craig would break my legs.

0:24:380:24:41

'I was having kittens.

0:24:410:24:42

'We were one surprise away from calling two ambulances and a vet.'

0:24:420:24:45

Someone who very much wanted to be here today

0:24:450:24:48

that wasn't able to come has left a little message.

0:24:480:24:53

'Hi, Sarah. Chris O'Dowd, here.

0:24:530:24:55

'I hear that you got married.

0:24:550:24:58

'You did say that you'd wait for me

0:24:580:25:02

'but I guess you found Gareth and just decided to get on with it,

0:25:020:25:06

'which is fine.

0:25:060:25:08

'Congratulations, guys. Have a wonderful day.

0:25:080:25:10

'I hope that Rhod doesn't ruin it too much.

0:25:100:25:13

'And hey, good luck tonight in the, you know...'

0:25:130:25:17

'I breathed a huge sigh of relief as each little plan went down well.

0:25:190:25:22

'Samantha and I left the wedding party to enjoy themselves

0:25:220:25:25

'and went to greet my home-made ice surprise.'

0:25:250:25:27

So this is the one you did by yourself, is it?

0:25:270:25:29

My Rhod Gilbert axe-grinder hands. But I'd very, very little time.

0:25:290:25:34

I'm just getting my retaliation in first.

0:25:340:25:36

Maybe I want this door to close on it.

0:25:360:25:38

-Ta-da!

-Wow.

0:25:380:25:41

-Why is he wearing Y-fronts?

-I just thought I'd Welsh him up a bit.

0:25:410:25:45

Do you think I've crossed the line into tacky?

0:25:450:25:47

I think you've done such a good job of everything else, we allow this.

0:25:470:25:51

Brilliant.

0:25:510:25:52

'The room for the evening do was almost ready -

0:25:520:25:56

'the Ice Academy's professional Oscar keeping mine company,

0:25:560:25:58

'but the perverts hadn't put any pants on him.

0:25:580:26:00

'I was about to ask Sarah if he could borrow her thong

0:26:000:26:03

'when Craig popped in.'

0:26:030:26:04

Me and Marilyn have just been having a cup of tea and, well,

0:26:040:26:07

could we think of anything we could do any better? And the answer is no.

0:26:070:26:10

-We're well chuffed.

-High five! Oh, that is praise indeed.

0:26:100:26:14

It's all gone brilliantly.

0:26:140:26:16

"So far," he says, pointedly.

0:26:160:26:18

-The night is young.

-It could all still collapse.

-It could go wrong.

0:26:180:26:22

Ladies and gentlemen, the evening do is now open!

0:26:220:26:28

CHEERING

0:26:280:26:29

Come on in, come on in, sir. I knew you'd be first in. There you go.

0:26:290:26:34

'I kick-started the evening do and I'm not sure

0:26:340:26:36

'whether it was my home-made Y-fronts that spooked her,

0:26:360:26:39

'but just as the guests were pouring into witness the first dance,

0:26:390:26:42

'my bride vanished.

0:26:420:26:43

'I decided to see what was going on.'

0:26:450:26:47

She's just having a wee in the dress.

0:27:000:27:02

She's having a wee in the dress?

0:27:020:27:04

It's not a good idea to come in right this second.

0:27:040:27:07

-Just give us two minutes.

-When you say she's having a wee in the dress?

0:27:070:27:10

I may just pop out the door for a moment.

0:27:100:27:12

Sarah's currently on the toilet

0:27:120:27:13

with two bridesmaids either side are holding the dress up

0:27:130:27:16

and I'm looking very pretty next to her.

0:27:160:27:18

I was told I'd be involved in this! I was promised a role in this!

0:27:200:27:25

I learnt this in wedding planner school.

0:27:250:27:28

I'm fine, honestly. I'm accredited.

0:27:280:27:30

I've had my CBT check.

0:27:300:27:32

-You've missed the toilet stop.

-Have I?

-Yeah.

0:27:320:27:36

-I was promised! I was promised!

-We told you it happens, didn't we?

0:27:360:27:40

You promised me a go at the back of your dress.

0:27:400:27:43

You guaranteed me a go.

0:27:430:27:45

That's the only reason I got involved in this whole project.

0:27:450:27:48

Seriously, the crowd is...they're losing patience down there.

0:27:480:27:52

'Thong-gone Phooey was too late.

0:27:520:27:54

'With Sarah's thong lifted up where it belonged,

0:27:540:27:57

'I had one final thing to do.'

0:27:570:27:58

Are you ready for the moment you've all been waiting for?

0:27:580:28:01

Possibly not their first ever dance,

0:28:010:28:03

but certainly their first as husband and wife.

0:28:030:28:05

It is, ladies and gentlemen, the first dance for Gareth and Sarah.

0:28:050:28:09

SONG: "Beyond The Sea"

0:28:090:28:12

'As Sarah and Gareth took to the floor, the wedding bots faded away.

0:28:120:28:17

'Any wardrobe malfunctions from now on,

0:28:170:28:19

'Gareth and Sarah were on their own.'

0:28:190:28:21

# Somewhere waiting for me... #

0:28:210:28:24

You must be pretty chuffed with that.

0:28:240:28:26

I'm pretty pleased with how it went. Are you pleased with how that went?

0:28:260:28:29

I'm pleased because they're pleased.

0:28:290:28:31

I'm pleased because Gareth's pleased and Sarah particularly pleased

0:28:310:28:34

and Craig and Marilyn are pleased and I can see that that's what your job is about,

0:28:340:28:38

that's where your reward is. When other people are pleased, you're pleased.

0:28:380:28:41

That's the best bit. When they were doing that slow dance at the end,

0:28:410:28:44

the smile on their faces, it was because of you.

0:28:440:28:47

-I'd a little tear.

-Did you have a little tear?

-I did.

0:28:470:28:49

-Did you give a shit?

-I give that much of a shit.

0:28:490:28:52

You gave that much of a shit. It's Hollywood. Come on, then.

0:28:520:28:55

I know what you're thinking -

0:28:550:28:57

there go the wedding planners and their big, pink boxes.

0:28:570:29:01

# Save yourself if you can

0:29:010:29:05

# Oh, my, help me again

0:29:050:29:08

# I tried to tell you Watch out... #

0:29:080:29:11

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:110:29:14

Rhod would rather spend the weekend trapped in a chemical toilet with a startled horse than spend a single minute thinking about a wedding. So why would a young couple from the Welsh Valleys invite him to organise their Hollywood-themed big day? And what will a surprise-averse bride make of Rhod's chaotic contributions to cake design, music selection, ice sculpture and celebrity recruitment? Will they still be a happy couple when the dust settles?


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