Rhod Gilbert tries his hand at a variety of jobs. He leads a group of 200 12-year-old Swansea scouts on a wilderness survival outing.
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I'm Rhod Gilbert, stand-up comedian. People say I've got the toughest job,
but I'm sure I'd find other things more difficult. I'm ditching my regular job,
and trying something completely different.
This is my Work Experience.
And this week, I'm a Scout Leader.
'I couldn't wait to get stuck in.
'Singing Ging Gang Goolie in a pair of little grey shorts
'and getting badges for being nice to a cat is how I like to party.
'So, I woggled down to a Scout troop in Swansea to meet
'some of the Leaders.'
-OK. But my Cub name is Ricky.
Or Beaver name, Scout name, is Ricky.
-Your Cub name or Scout name or Beaver name is Ricky.
But my real name's Carol. You can call me Carol.
-And you're Rhod.
-I'm Rhod. You can call me Rhod.
-That's my name for all occasions.
-OK. Come in, then.
-Pack, Pack, Pack!
Akela. We do our best.
-Cubs, do your best.
-We will do our best.
'I was in Scouts so long ago, crisps were two of your five a day.
'I don't remember any of this stuff.
'As the evening progressed, the activities got more and more bizarre.'
We have been invited to do the Harlem shake.
'I felt as out of place as Kim Jong-un in TK Maxx.
'And I wasn't the only one.'
-What's the Harlem shake?
-I don't know.
-I don't know.
-You all got really excited about it.
You didn't? Put it there.
'It was all pretty alien to me.
'And when the pack leader Akela put these things on her head,
'it didn't really help.'
Right, can I have the...
You're going to roll your money
and see how much lands on the red paper.
And, whoever's got the most money is the winning six. OK?
-Do you understand that, Rhod?
-I'm pretty clear.
Is there a six which doesn't have six in it?
'As the evening's activities drew to a close,
'my head was spinning like an owl in a microwave.'
No-one goes out that door until they see their parent.
Does that include me?
My mother's 81. I doubt if she's coming.
'While I waited for my parents, Carol Ricky Carol introduced me
'to leader Gareth Gareth, who urinated all over my French fries.
I'm going to get you prepared for what's coming up this weekend
and, on the weekend...
Don't make it sound... It sounds like Blair Witch.
We're going to get you to Scout camp for the weekend,
which you're going to go and camp out with the Scouts.
'Come the weekend, these woods near Swansea would be teeming
'with 200 Beavers, Cubs and Scouts and I'd be one of those responsible.
But the closest I've come to taking 200 kids camping is
'walking past Millets with my nephew.
'Sensing that I knew less about the outdoors than a pair of claustrophobic slippers,
'Gareth agreed to Bear my Grylls ahead of the weekend,
'with some intensive training.'
If you listen carefully, you can hear...
I think that's the Beavers, the six to eight-year-olds, getting...
..getting their Chainsaw badge, by the sound of things.
And, you can see, everywhere,
the evidence that the Scouts have been here.
I was hoping for Portaloos, but...
'Gareth had made a terrible error of judgement and mistaken me
'for a responsible adult.'
At the camp, you are going to lead a group of scouts into the forest
and navigate them round.
-So I'm getting you prepared.
-And back out, presumably.
-That's the idea.
-Back out and then round to get them home safe.
So you need to know how to navigate around some forest.
So what I've set out is a mini trail here.
'I once got lost for two days in a shower cubicle,
'so Gareth set about polishing my navigational turd.'
I have zero spatial awareness.
Honestly, if you spun me round in my own kitchen
and took your hands away, I probably couldn't find my way out.
We should just look around.
'I looked round.
'It all looked the same to me, and giving me a map
'and compass was like giving a horse an Etch A Sketch.'
So what we are going to do now is, using the map and compass,
get to our next few points.
First of all, I'll show you how to set a map to North.
I'm pretty hopeless with maps, Gareth.
-What I can tell you is, not map, map.
-That's my starting point.
A few Beavers doing their Top Gun badge, there.
So, you're going to get to the next step on your own, using the map.
Don't let the map move from North.
I'm going to try and find a little... Oh, God. Hang on a minute.
I'm going to try that way. See you in a minute.
-You'll be fine.
-Bear Grylls I am not.
This isn't marked on the map!
I kept the security tag on so I could take these wellies back.
Chicken tikka masala down there.
That's not on the map.
There's a symbol for a tree somewhere around here. That figures.
You see, North is going crazy.
I think it's my zip or something.
'The gravitational pull of my zip was causing real problems
'and, in no time at all, I was lost.'
Totally lost the plot on this completely.
If I'm going to lead a group of anything, I'm going
to have to get more savvy with this.
I would say I'm ten minutes away
from using the whistle I didn't bring.
Oh, I just put my back out.
'Like a gingerbread man who ends up being sold in a petrol station,
'I just wasn't cut out for this.'
Mayday. Mayday. How can it be Mayday?
How can anybody get lost three yards from a fence?
'I was to a map what Brian Blessed was to a library,
'so Gareth moved me on to campfire skills.'
-You're having a laugh, aren't you?
-Here you go.
-I'm really bad at DIY, so stop me just before my leg comes off.
Give it a good smack. With the grain in the middle there.
Split it into two.
Watch your leg, OK?
Oh, my God! This is sharp as...
I'm worried about hitting my leg.
I can hear it over and over again just going
"Cccck!" into the bone and then, in my imagination,
for some reason, I start going "ccck, ccck,"
to try and prise my bone open and
"ccck," have a look at the marrow.
'My naughty zip was misbehaving again,
'this time leading me down the darkest corners of my mind.'
Do you know what I've got now?
I just imagined that going between my teeth
and hacking up into my gums.
My imagination is odd.
-Take these down a bit more.
-Oh, God! I had a horrible...
I almost chopped your head off then.
Don't do that again. You bent down in front of me
and, honestly, 40% of my brain was going, "Hack it off!
"Hack his head off!"
I shouldn't be allowed near... How did I pass the CRB check?
'I'd earned my Don't Hack Gareth's Head Off With An Axe badge,
'but I knew that we were playing with fire
'when we started playing with fire.'
OK, if you notice, before you do it...
-Just try that way.
-Here we go. Whoa!
That's probably enough, isn't it?
We need a little bit more to cook something.
I think that's enough. We should bring the kids in.
How are we going to feed them all with this much?
Gather round, everybody.
'Worried about my destructive streak and my evil zip, Gareth built
'the world's smallest bonfire to teach me survival cooking.'
Bear Grylls, he can keep his witchetty grubs
and hollowed out kangaroo face,
whatever it is he eats.
Chocolate bananas. That's what the Scouts are on. Happy days!
Just pop these into the banana.
Basically, if you are stranded in a fairly well-stocked supermarket,
you too can survive by making chocolate bananas.
'Training complete, my big Scout Leader weekend arrived
'but I still felt about as ready to look after 200 kids
'as a Sunderland fan who's just been Tasered outside a Wetherspoons.'
I'm arriving at the wilderness survival camp weekend.
Although, as you can probably hear,
we're about 100 yards from junction 47 of the M4.
"Be Prepared" is their motto.
My motto is, "Be prepared for this to go totally tits up
"because you haven't prepared."
I am prepared to set fire to a few Cub Scouts,
to lose a few Beavers on a map reading exercise.
I don't even want to think about that axe.
'30 seconds in and I was already flailing.'
-OK, shall we go, guys?
-I don't know what to do.
Yes, that's right, in you go.
In you go and camp. Jamboree!
'As the happy campers swarmed in, I felt utterly useless.
'But, after half an hour of intense standing round,
'Gareth dropped me right in the deep end.'
We have a tent for you to help supervise.
It's going down in that direction to go up.
That's about my level of responsibility.
A tent that I can help supervise.
I'm not even putting it up, I'm not even supervising,
I'm helping supervise.
If I'm watching somebody else watch somebody else put a tent up.
They may struggle, so you may have to help.
Right, got the gist? Can you count the other two?
Come on, Hi-de-Hi.
-Just be prepared for it to collapse.
That's your motto, isn't it?
Oh, brings it all flooding back, this.
Happy memories, camping.
Glastonbury, 1996. Remember that?
Gorseinon, we have a problem. That's gone in there.
Should be round there.
Let's just go, "Who cares?"
There's not enough of that in the world.
-Who cares? I don't care. Do you care?
-Scouts don't care.
That's our motto. What's our motto?
Scouts don't care.
Boom. Concise. Keep it concise. Scouts don't care.
It's actually Scouts Be Prepared. Be prepared.
It's a really long-winded sentence, isn't it?
So "Scouts don't care" is our new motto, yeah?
I'll soon convert this entire camp
to the "Rhod Gilbert, couldn't give a toss" school.
Scouts don't care. Right.
HE DOES EVIL LAUGH
'It was only the opening ceremony
'and I already knew I was going to struggle to be a responsible leader.
'But like a rabbit who's been hit at 90 miles an hour by
'a Renault Espace, I couldn't walk away now.'
-All of you together! Are you here today?
Carol is group Scout Leader of the 44 Sketty,
she's going to welcome in our new Leader, Rhod Gilbert.
So, welcome him, big round of applause.
Right, now, before Rhod can join in with us, he hasn't been invested yet.
Rhod is now going to be invested in the 44th Scout group.
First of all, stand properly.
Like, you know, nice.
I'm going to put your 44th necker on.
And now, you're going to say a promise, OK?
That's right, yeah. That's good.
-On my honour...
-On my honour...
-..that I will do my best...
-..that I will do my best...
-..do my duty...
-..do my duty...
..to God and the Queen...
I tried to throw a baked potato at her
in the Royal Variety Performance.
-Well, you're not doing that now.
-Right. To God and to the Queen.
-..to help other people...
-..to help other people...
-..at all times....
-..at all times...
-..and to keep the Scout Law.
-..and to keep the Scout Law.
Right, let's shake hands on that now.
'I was technically a Scout Leader
'but the ceremony had felt more like an exorcism.'
'I was worried my head would revolve 360
'and spew green stuff into Carol's face.
'But, luckily, I'd taken precautions.'
-I had my fingers crossed.
'The camp came alive.
'If God and the Queen did turn up, there was
'loads to do and the other Leaders got straight in to
'passing on skills through the fun activities.'
I'm about to get given my group for the day.
I sort of look the part. I'm just not very Scouty.
I'm the opposite of a Scout. I'm the antithesis of a Scout.
I am the anti-Scout.
'I set off round the camp with my group.
'As a Scout Leader, I'd promised to help other people at all times.
'But to Gilbert the anti-Scout, it didn't come naturally.'
Ooooh! Come on. You've got one more to get it in that yellow one.
-Can you do it?
I bet you three quid you don't get it in the yellow one.
-Come on! You're putting me off.
-Get on with it!
-You're putting me off!
-I'm not putting you off, I'm trying to help.
-I'm not paying you the three pound.
-Yes, you are.
Give me the three pound. You owe me the three pound.
'The anti-Scout had done his first good deed.
'Morgan had learned a harsh lesson about gambling.
'But then I met a young man who needed no help whatsoever.'
All right, Ben? 'Ben, the Ice Scout.'
-How are you feeling?
Confident? Do you want to do a fewer trust building exercises
-before we go?
What you mean, "Nah"?
'Ben was so cool, he could frost your eyebrows at 30 paces.'
Let's get on with it, shall we? No fuss.
Don't even like any small talk, no? Just...
Don't want to waste your time or anything, Ben.
'He was as cool as Steve McQueen and as surefooted as a mountain goat.'
Go on, Ben! You show that wall.
'Unfortunately, I didn't share Ben's confidence,
'and decided to check the other Leaders' credentials.'
-Do you know what you're doing? What is your job?
-I'm a music teacher.
'Amazingly, the music teacher guided me to the top,
'where I tried to rattle Ben, the Steve McQueen goat.'
Ben, what are you doing?
-These people are all volunteers, you realise that?
-All fully qualified.
Ben, they're like teachers, binmen. What do you do?
-He's a printer.
You've just been strapped in by a printer, Ben.
-What's your confidence like now?
-Feet back, rope towards me.
-Ben, I don't think you're listening.
Most of the time, they're working in shops and stuff like that.
-They probably work in Dixons. Teachers, shopkeepers.
I'm not listening.
He's a printer, the guy who's just letting you down.
-Probably a wimp.
-What you mean, "Don't be a wimp?"
The person at the bottom's a music teacher!
'Ben the Ice Scout laughed in the face of danger.
'Then laughed again as I got my Ging Gang Goolies
'trapped in a harness badge.'
Ben, I'm very.... Aaargh, my plums!
Oh! I was doing fine until a horrific injury at the bottom.
Ben, in about 14 years, I'll explain to you what just happened.
'All around the camp, the other Leaders shared their skills,
'commanding quiet respect from the kids in an atmosphere that
'was fun but not chaotic.
'But Gilbert the anti-Scout was struggling.
'I had no skills to share and the little sods knew it.'
LAUGHTER AND SHOUTING
I am your leader!
Scouts don't care!
'I was commanding no respect and, apart from a new motto,
'I'd contributed nothing all day.
'Well, almost nothing.'
RHOD DOES EVIL LAUGH
Rhod, were you telling ghost stories to Brett and Harvey?
I wasn't telling ghost stories to Brett and Harvey.
Yeah, but you were like, that this place used to be haunted.
No, it is haunted now.
How come it's haunted?
You don't know the story with the boy with the box?
He choked on a chocolate banana on this very spot.
And now, everywhere he goes, he carries a little box.
Do you know what's in that box?
-No. Don't be so stupid.
Why would he carry a box full of chocolate bananas?
He choked on one.
Maybe it's full of the other people's souls
-that choked on chocolate bananas.
-There's the banana.
You think he carries a box full of other people's souls who've
-choked on chocolate bananas?
'As darkness fell and the Scouts' bedtime loomed, I hoped
'fear of my chocolate banana ghost would finally earn me some respect.'
Come on then, Scouts. Let's get you all into beddy-byes.
I'm not staying out here, cos of the ghost.
'But, frustratingly, I'd taught the Scouts too well.'
Guys, the ghost is usually out at about midnight, half past midnight.
That's what you said. Scouts don't care.
The problem is, I'm trying to instil fear in them
with a ghost story, but I've taught them to be too blase all day.
-They're just going, "Scouts don't care!"
I'm a victim of my own motto.
'If I was going to make the Scouts care and salvage any
'credibility, I had to convince them my dessert-based phantom was real.
'And, soon, a chilling aroma of chocolate
'and banana wafted through the camp.'
'The chocolate banana ghost of old Swansea town
'buggered off as requested.'
'But, at dawn next morning, I regretted my actions,
'as the anti-Scout was out anti-Scouted by the Scouts.
'Five hours before I planned to get up, their kitchen utensil band
'woke me up with a budget version of the musical Stomp.
'I hadn't heard this much noise
'since my dad tried to make his own breakfast.'
I'm calling the police. 999.
I'm literally calling the police.
'I was tempted to go for my Ram A Frying Pan Up A Scout badge,
'but before I could get my revenge, we were off.
'The day had started with a badge ceremony
'marking an important milestone.'
All these Cubs over here, this is their first night away.
First night away from home.
-I only cried twice.
-Can I have it?
Can you have it? No, you cannot. You've got yours!
Did anyone happen to smell the chocolate
and banana around their tent?
I knew it! I knew it!
It's the chocolate banana ghost!
It wasn't me.
'Mystery solved, it was on with the day.
'Gareth still didn't seem to have noticed that I couldn't organise
'a bum-off in a baboon house,
'and had set up a big navigational challenge.
'I'd go head-to-head with Richard,
'a super-Scout born with a neckerchief round his neck.'
Come on, now, guys. Guys. Come on.
Right, so you're going to go out with a group of Scouts each.
The ground is quite slippery, there's a few steep edges, cliffs.
You need to keep the Scouts safe.
Count the numbers before you go, count them
while you're walking round. No losing any of them. Please.
'Gareth divvied up the Scouts and gave us
'clues to our first locations.'
Where have they gone? Oh, God, have they started already?
Right, come on, everyone!
Go to grid reference...
-Where are we now?
I know we're here!
'St Richard, Scout of Swansea,
'and his super Scouts raced off to their first clue,
'while Gilbert and the runt Scouts hadn't moved off the starting grid.
-Put your finger there.
-This line here!
-It's not! Get your finger there!
-So, heading to location three now.
-'This was head-to-head combat.
'Order, versus chaos.'
I'm not sure "just run" is the best advice.
'With woggle-face marching towards victory, God and the Queen would
'have to turn a blind eye, because there was only one thing for it.'
This is the plan. Are you listening? We have to play this dirty.
If we see any of their clues, destroy them.
There'll be something hidden in the undergrowth.
That's all we've been told. It won't be too far away from this position.
Can anybody see anything orange?
Just look for something orange.
Come on, focus!
Not only have we got orange, we've only gone and got green as well!
Grab it, then!
Right. 'Suddenly, the anti-Scout God intervened.
'We stumbled on one of their clues.'
RHOD DOES EVIL LAUGH
No. Quick. They're looking. They've got spies everywhere.
'The dud scouts were back in the game.
'We'd found old Scouty-pants Achilles' heel.'
Quick, chuck it into the river!
'We could lob his clues in the river.'
We haven't got it! We haven't got it!
Look, we haven't got it!
Right, that was good work there, team.
Did some good cheating there.
I don't know if we're in the lead, but we're cheating well as a team.
It's the only chance we've got of beating those swotty uber Scouts.
This is a train track. It's clear.
-One at a time.
-I like trains!
I know. But not so much you want to get hit by one.
-Right. Was there any of our group down there under that train?
-They just got smashed though.
How many are we in our group?
-Five? One, two, three, four, five.
This is probably the wrong time to do a head count.
I should have done the head count before we started, shouldn't I?
'Like Miss Marple tanked up on Strongbow,
'we were hiding and destroying clues left, right and centre.'
If we stick it in here, they can't get it.
-Make sure they can't see it.
'We were intoxicated with cheating and it was starting to backfire.
'Our nemesis, Luke Scout-walker, was hot on our heels.'
Put that back in there.
We're falling apart at the seams, team! Come here. Listen to me.
New rule for our team. Maximum of three minutes cheating per clue.
Right? Otherwise, we're spending longer cheating
-than we're going to slow them down.
Right, can you see what I'm saying?
'With the Scoutinator right behind us, we scarpered into the woods.
'We thought we'd got away with it, but Scouticus was onto us.'
Oh, no. Cheats.
'And, running blindly into the woods had sent us completely off course.'
I think what we've done here is really stupid, but I don't know.
I'm too stupid to know if what we've done is just really stupid or not.
'If he'd seen as now,
'Bear Grylls would have been turning in his five-star hotel bed.'
We have totally messed this up, by the way. I'm out of my depth, guys.
-How many hours have we been out? Has anybody got a watch?
What time are we supposed be back?
I don't know. I don't know what time we left. Do you?
'I knew less about wilderness survival than
'Paris Hilton's Chihuahua.
'But, a bad Scout Leader always blames his Scouts.'
Where were you when you were taught these things?
Have you got your Map Reading badge? Have you?
-We haven't got much badges.
You haven't got much badges?
-From Scouts. Where have you got them from? Blue Peter?
-Yeah, we have.
'What was supposed to be a few fun-filled minutes had
'turned into a three-hour nightmare.'
It's an absolute disaster.
Where is that place on this map?
We don't even know that!
Why weren't you listening in Cubs?
'Tired, cold and hungry,
'the "Scouts don't care" nonsense was just a distant memory.
'My Scouts did care about going home.
Does anyone see a fence, or where a fence used to be?
Oi! Come back!
I stood in dog shit again!
Somebody clean up after your dog!
Keep the Country Code!
Come on. Did anyone bring any little snacks or energy bars or
anything like that? You're hungry?
I'm hungry, that's what I'm saying.
Sooner or later, we're going to die.
'It was over. We had no way of getting home.
'We were ten minutes from certain death. We were doomed.'
-You've got sat nav on your phone?
-I think so.
Oh, my God!
'With their trusty sat nav,
six minutes later we were pretty much home.'
Did we take any supplies with us? Any water, anything?
-I took some water.
-Why didn't you tell us that three hours ago, Jay?
I did, at the start!
-You didn't say you had anything!
-Yes, I did!
-No, you didn't!
You didn't say, "I've got water. Does anyone want a drink?"
'The defeated runt Scouts finally limped into camp.
'The super Scouts had been back for hours.
'It was game over for my childish anti-Scout nonsense.'
You'd think I'd have learned something, but no.
I set off with my group without so much as a bottle of water.
I didn't even ask the time.
I did even ask how long it was supposed to take.
I set off without even a bottle of water. That even annoys me a bit.
'In the real world, my attitude would have got us all killed.
'The thought of dying within earshot of a motorway services with
'a Postman Pat ride was just too humiliating.
'To be a good Scout Leader, I felt I should be useful on some level
'and I was a bit ashamed that, apart from a chocolate banana ghost,
'I'd brought nothing to the camp.
'Luckily, Gareth came to my rescue.'
There's an Entertainer's badge, and I was quite hoping that you
would help some of the Scouts and yourself win an Entertainer's badge.
I could probably do some kind of little workshop thing, where we workshop ideas
and do a bit of almost observational stand-up about being a Scout.
If you can encourage them to get that information on how to do
that and give them the skills of how to do that, perfect Leader.
Right. I'll give that a go.
'Next day, like a man giving himself a home-made filling with
'a Black & Decker drill, I had the bit firmly between my teeth.
'I was now the anti-anti-Scout,
'determined to prove I could impart a valuable skill.'
Tonight, we're going to do is sketches, and, with a bit of luck,
if it goes well, you are going to earn your Entertainment badge.
And I am going to become a bona fide Scout Leader!
-You don't care, do you?
Scouts don't care!
'Tonight, the camp would watch us perform. Entertainers badges on the line,
'I had a few short hours to turn them into little green Seinfelds.
'Lesson one, projection.'
Scouts don't care!
Scouts don't care!
Scouts don't care!
Didn't understand him, it's loud enough.
'Lesson two, facing the right way.'
You won't get a laugh if you're looking away or looking down.
Look at the audience.
'Less than three, props.
'Lesson four, hot dogs.
'Lesson five, using a chair.
'Lesson six, material.'
What kind of cheese is made of cheese?
What's the most religious food?
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
'Lesson seven, better material.'
Like, what's going on in the sketch?
It's like all of us pretending to be Leaders. We're handing out badges.
A fake ceremony where you're getting your badges.
What kinds of things are stupid badges?
-I Got Killed By Camp Food.
-I Got Killed By Camp Food badge.
Maybe the people who carry him
could get the I Carried A Dead Person badge.
That's a good idea.
I don't think you're going to be very popular with the Leaders.
-Yeah, but guess what?
-Scouts don't care!
That's getting old now.
What do you mean? Only been going a few hours.
"Be Prepared" has been knocking around since about 1920.
He's getting the Worst Comedian award.
I'm getting the Worst Comedian award.
I'll come out and get the Worst Comedian award. That's funny.
Exhausting. But we're getting there.
They're really creative, some good ideas. It's really funny.
We've just got to find a role for everyone
and then we've got to pull it off.
'As evening fell, an expectant crowd gathered round the campfire.
'This was our moment.
'I was as anxious for my Scouts as I was for myself.
'Their Entertainment badges
'and my I'm Not A Complete Dick badge were all hanging on this.'
Are we ready?
We're going for it. We're going to do this.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our comedy club!
I give you the Rhod Squad!
I'm Akela and welcome to the awards ceremony.
Pack, Pack, Pack!
Pack, Pack, Pack!
'The Rhod Squad's sketch parodied their badges ceremonies
'and the survival challenges of camping.'
I've got the Drinking Urine award!
And it's not even mine!
Hey, where's my urine?
'And maybe this is what being a Scout Leader is all about -
'volunteering your time and bringing what you've got to the party.
'Even if, like me, you haven't got all that much to bring.'
I got the Longest Hair In My Hotdog award!
That genuinely happened while we were rehearsing!
I got the Worst Comedian In The World award!
-Scouts don't care!
Well done, chaps! You nailed it! Give us a high five! Well done!
'First thing I've done
'while I've been here where I've sort of brought a little'
bit of my world and a little bit of my skills to what they do.
The rest of the time, just careering like a giraffe on roller-skates,
from one disaster to the next.
But it really moved me. I was really quite emotional.
There's no greater feeling
than helping kids.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
Rhod heads off on a wilderness survival camp with 200 eager Swansea Scouts. The closest Rhod has ever come to taking kids camping is walking past a camping shop with his nephew, so can the anarchic comedian lead a group of 12-year-olds safely through a forest and bite his tongue when his tent is attacked at 7am by the kitchen utensil band?