Scout Leader Rhod Gilbert's Work Experience


Scout Leader

Rhod Gilbert tries his hand at a variety of jobs. He leads a group of 200 12-year-old Swansea scouts on a wilderness survival outing.


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Transcript


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I'm Rhod Gilbert, stand-up comedian. People say I've got the toughest job,

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but I'm sure I'd find other things more difficult. I'm ditching my regular job,

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and trying something completely different.

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This is my Work Experience.

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And this week, I'm a Scout Leader.

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'I couldn't wait to get stuck in.

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'Singing Ging Gang Goolie in a pair of little grey shorts

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'and getting badges for being nice to a cat is how I like to party.

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'So, I woggled down to a Scout troop in Swansea to meet

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'some of the Leaders.'

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-I'm Carol.

-Rhod Gilbert.

-OK. But my Cub name is Ricky.

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Or Beaver name, Scout name, is Ricky.

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-Your Cub name or Scout name or Beaver name is Ricky.

-Yeah.

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But my real name's Carol. You can call me Carol.

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-Right.

-And you're Rhod.

-I'm Rhod. You can call me Rhod.

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-That's my name for all occasions.

-OK. Come in, then.

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-Pack, Pack, Pack!

-CHILDREN:

-Pack!

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Akela. We do our best.

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-Cubs, do your best.

-We will do our best.

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'I was in Scouts so long ago, crisps were two of your five a day.

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'I don't remember any of this stuff.

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'As the evening progressed, the activities got more and more bizarre.'

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We have been invited to do the Harlem shake.

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'I felt as out of place as Kim Jong-un in TK Maxx.

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'And I wasn't the only one.'

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-What's the Harlem shake?

-I don't know.

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-I don't know.

-You all got really excited about it.

-I didn't.

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You didn't? Put it there.

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'It was all pretty alien to me.

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'And when the pack leader Akela put these things on her head,

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'it didn't really help.'

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Right, can I have the...

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You're going to roll your money

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and see how much lands on the red paper.

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And, whoever's got the most money is the winning six. OK?

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-Do you understand that, Rhod?

-I'm pretty clear.

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Is there a six which doesn't have six in it?

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'As the evening's activities drew to a close,

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'my head was spinning like an owl in a microwave.'

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No-one goes out that door until they see their parent.

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Does that include me?

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My mother's 81. I doubt if she's coming.

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'While I waited for my parents, Carol Ricky Carol introduced me

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'to leader Gareth Gareth, who urinated all over my French fries.

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I'm going to get you prepared for what's coming up this weekend

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and, on the weekend...

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Don't make it sound... It sounds like Blair Witch.

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We're going to get you to Scout camp for the weekend,

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which you're going to go and camp out with the Scouts.

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Brilliant.

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'Come the weekend, these woods near Swansea would be teeming

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'with 200 Beavers, Cubs and Scouts and I'd be one of those responsible.

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But the closest I've come to taking 200 kids camping is

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'walking past Millets with my nephew.

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'Sensing that I knew less about the outdoors than a pair of claustrophobic slippers,

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'Gareth agreed to Bear my Grylls ahead of the weekend,

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'with some intensive training.'

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If you listen carefully, you can hear...

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I think that's the Beavers, the six to eight-year-olds, getting...

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CHAINSAW WHIRS

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..getting their Chainsaw badge, by the sound of things.

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And, you can see, everywhere,

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the evidence that the Scouts have been here.

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I was hoping for Portaloos, but...

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'Gareth had made a terrible error of judgement and mistaken me

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'for a responsible adult.'

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At the camp, you are going to lead a group of scouts into the forest

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and navigate them round.

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RHOD LAUGHS

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-So I'm getting you prepared.

-And back out, presumably.

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-That's the idea.

-Back out and then round to get them home safe.

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So you need to know how to navigate around some forest.

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So what I've set out is a mini trail here.

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'I once got lost for two days in a shower cubicle,

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'so Gareth set about polishing my navigational turd.'

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I have zero spatial awareness.

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Honestly, if you spun me round in my own kitchen

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and took your hands away, I probably couldn't find my way out.

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We should just look around.

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'I looked round.

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'It all looked the same to me, and giving me a map

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'and compass was like giving a horse an Etch A Sketch.'

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So what we are going to do now is, using the map and compass,

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get to our next few points.

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First of all, I'll show you how to set a map to North.

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I'm pretty hopeless with maps, Gareth.

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-What I can tell you is, not map, map.

-OK.

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-That's my starting point.

-Great.

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PLANE RUMBLES

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A few Beavers doing their Top Gun badge, there.

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GARETH LAUGHS

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So, you're going to get to the next step on your own, using the map.

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Don't let the map move from North.

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I'm going to try and find a little... Oh, God. Hang on a minute.

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I'm going to try that way. See you in a minute.

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-You'll be fine.

-Bear Grylls I am not.

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Aaargh!

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This isn't marked on the map!

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THEY LAUGH

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I kept the security tag on so I could take these wellies back.

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Chicken tikka masala down there.

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That's not on the map.

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There's a symbol for a tree somewhere around here. That figures.

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You see, North is going crazy.

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I think it's my zip or something.

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'The gravitational pull of my zip was causing real problems

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'and, in no time at all, I was lost.'

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Totally lost the plot on this completely.

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If I'm going to lead a group of anything, I'm going

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to have to get more savvy with this.

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I would say I'm ten minutes away

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from using the whistle I didn't bring.

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Aaargh!

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Shitting hell.

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Oh, I just put my back out.

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'Like a gingerbread man who ends up being sold in a petrol station,

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'I just wasn't cut out for this.'

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Oh, right.

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Mayday. Mayday. How can it be Mayday?

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How can anybody get lost three yards from a fence?

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'I was to a map what Brian Blessed was to a library,

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'so Gareth moved me on to campfire skills.'

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-You're having a laugh, aren't you?

-Here you go.

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-I'm really bad at DIY, so stop me just before my leg comes off.

-OK.

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Give it a good smack. With the grain in the middle there.

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Split it into two.

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Watch your leg, OK?

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Oh, my God! This is sharp as...

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I'm worried about hitting my leg.

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I can hear it over and over again just going

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"Cccck!" into the bone and then, in my imagination,

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for some reason, I start going "ccck, ccck,"

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to try and prise my bone open and

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"ccck," have a look at the marrow.

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'My naughty zip was misbehaving again,

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'this time leading me down the darkest corners of my mind.'

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Do you know what I've got now?

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I just imagined that going between my teeth

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and hacking up into my gums.

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My imagination is odd.

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-Take these down a bit more.

-Oh, God! I had a horrible...

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I almost chopped your head off then.

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Don't do that again. You bent down in front of me

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and, honestly, 40% of my brain was going, "Hack it off!

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"Hack his head off!"

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I shouldn't be allowed near... How did I pass the CRB check?

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'I'd earned my Don't Hack Gareth's Head Off With An Axe badge,

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'but I knew that we were playing with fire

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'when we started playing with fire.'

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OK, if you notice, before you do it...

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-Just try that way.

-Here we go. Whoa!

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That's probably enough, isn't it?

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We need a little bit more to cook something.

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I think that's enough. We should bring the kids in.

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How are we going to feed them all with this much?

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Gather round, everybody.

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'Worried about my destructive streak and my evil zip, Gareth built

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'the world's smallest bonfire to teach me survival cooking.'

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Bear Grylls, he can keep his witchetty grubs

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and hollowed out kangaroo face,

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whatever it is he eats.

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Chocolate bananas. That's what the Scouts are on. Happy days!

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Just pop these into the banana.

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Basically, if you are stranded in a fairly well-stocked supermarket,

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you too can survive by making chocolate bananas.

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'Training complete, my big Scout Leader weekend arrived

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'but I still felt about as ready to look after 200 kids

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'as a Sunderland fan who's just been Tasered outside a Wetherspoons.'

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I'm arriving at the wilderness survival camp weekend.

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Although, as you can probably hear,

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we're about 100 yards from junction 47 of the M4.

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"Be Prepared" is their motto.

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My motto is, "Be prepared for this to go totally tits up

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"because you haven't prepared."

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I am prepared to set fire to a few Cub Scouts,

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to lose a few Beavers on a map reading exercise.

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I don't even want to think about that axe.

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'30 seconds in and I was already flailing.'

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-OK, shall we go, guys?

-I don't know what to do.

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Yes, that's right, in you go.

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In you go and camp. Jamboree!

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'As the happy campers swarmed in, I felt utterly useless.

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'But, after half an hour of intense standing round,

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'Gareth dropped me right in the deep end.'

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We have a tent for you to help supervise.

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It's going down in that direction to go up.

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That's about my level of responsibility.

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A tent that I can help supervise.

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I'm not even putting it up, I'm not even supervising,

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I'm helping supervise.

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If I'm watching somebody else watch somebody else put a tent up.

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They may struggle, so you may have to help.

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Right, got the gist? Can you count the other two?

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Helping supervise.

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Come on, Hi-de-Hi.

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-Just be prepared for it to collapse.

-OK.

-Yeah?

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That's your motto, isn't it?

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Be Prepared.

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Oh, brings it all flooding back, this.

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Happy memories, camping.

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Glastonbury, 1996. Remember that?

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-Remember that?

-Ummm... no.

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Gorseinon, we have a problem. That's gone in there.

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Should be round there.

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Let's just go, "Who cares?"

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There's not enough of that in the world.

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-No.

-Who cares? I don't care. Do you care?

-No.

-Scouts don't care.

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That's our motto. What's our motto?

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Scouts don't care.

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Boom. Concise. Keep it concise. Scouts don't care.

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It's actually Scouts Be Prepared. Be prepared.

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It's a really long-winded sentence, isn't it?

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So "Scouts don't care" is our new motto, yeah?

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-Scouts...

-Don't care.

-Nice.

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I'll soon convert this entire camp

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to the "Rhod Gilbert, couldn't give a toss" school.

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Scouts don't care. Right.

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HE DOES EVIL LAUGH

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BELL RINGS

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'It was only the opening ceremony

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'and I already knew I was going to struggle to be a responsible leader.

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'But like a rabbit who's been hit at 90 miles an hour by

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'a Renault Espace, I couldn't walk away now.'

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-All of you together! Are you here today?

-Yeah!

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Carol is group Scout Leader of the 44 Sketty,

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she's going to welcome in our new Leader, Rhod Gilbert.

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So, welcome him, big round of applause.

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you.

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Right, now, before Rhod can join in with us, he hasn't been invested yet.

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So...

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RHOD GASPS

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Rhod is now going to be invested in the 44th Scout group.

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-Am I?

-Yes.

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First of all, stand properly.

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Like, you know, nice.

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OK.

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I'm going to put your 44th necker on.

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And now, you're going to say a promise, OK?

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That's right, yeah. That's good.

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-On my honour...

-On my honour...

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-..I promise...

-..I promise...

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-..that I will do my best...

-..that I will do my best...

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-..do my duty...

-..do my duty...

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..to God and the Queen...

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I tried to throw a baked potato at her

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in the Royal Variety Performance.

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-Well, you're not doing that now.

-Right. To God and to the Queen.

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-..to help other people...

-..to help other people...

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-..at all times....

-..at all times...

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-..and to keep the Scout Law.

-..and to keep the Scout Law.

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Right, let's shake hands on that now.

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'I was technically a Scout Leader

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'but the ceremony had felt more like an exorcism.'

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-CHILDREN:

-B-R-A-V-O.

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Bravo!

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'I was worried my head would revolve 360

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'and spew green stuff into Carol's face.

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'But, luckily, I'd taken precautions.'

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-WHISPERING:

-I had my fingers crossed.

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'The camp came alive.

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'If God and the Queen did turn up, there was

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'loads to do and the other Leaders got straight in to

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'passing on skills through the fun activities.'

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I'm about to get given my group for the day.

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I sort of look the part. I'm just not very Scouty.

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I'm the opposite of a Scout. I'm the antithesis of a Scout.

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I am the anti-Scout.

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'I set off round the camp with my group.

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'As a Scout Leader, I'd promised to help other people at all times.

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'But to Gilbert the anti-Scout, it didn't come naturally.'

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Ooooh! Come on. You've got one more to get it in that yellow one.

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-Can you do it?

-Yeah.

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I bet you three quid you don't get it in the yellow one.

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Three smackeroonies.

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-Come on! You're putting me off.

-Get on with it!

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-You're putting me off!

-I'm not putting you off, I'm trying to help.

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RHOD COUGHS

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BOY LAUGHS

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Aaargh!

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-I'm not paying you the three pound.

-Yes, you are.

-No!

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Give me the three pound. You owe me the three pound.

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'The anti-Scout had done his first good deed.

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'Morgan had learned a harsh lesson about gambling.

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'But then I met a young man who needed no help whatsoever.'

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All right, Ben? 'Ben, the Ice Scout.'

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-How are you feeling?

-Umm... confident.

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Confident? Do you want to do a fewer trust building exercises

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-before we go?

-Nah.

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What you mean, "Nah"?

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'Ben was so cool, he could frost your eyebrows at 30 paces.'

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Let's get on with it, shall we? No fuss.

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Don't even like any small talk, no? Just...

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Don't want to waste your time or anything, Ben.

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'He was as cool as Steve McQueen and as surefooted as a mountain goat.'

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Go on, Ben! You show that wall.

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'Unfortunately, I didn't share Ben's confidence,

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'and decided to check the other Leaders' credentials.'

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-Do you know what you're doing? What is your job?

-I'm a music teacher.

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-Brilliant.

-CHILDREN:

-Good luck!

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Thank you.

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'Amazingly, the music teacher guided me to the top,

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'where I tried to rattle Ben, the Steve McQueen goat.'

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Ben, what are you doing?

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-These people are all volunteers, you realise that?

-All fully qualified.

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Ben, they're like teachers, binmen. What do you do?

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-Printer.

-He's a printer.

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You've just been strapped in by a printer, Ben.

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-What's your confidence like now?

-Feet back, rope towards me.

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-Ben, I don't think you're listening.

-Keep going.

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Most of the time, they're working in shops and stuff like that.

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-Keep going.

-They probably work in Dixons. Teachers, shopkeepers.

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I'm not listening.

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He's a printer, the guy who's just letting you down.

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-Probably a wimp.

-What you mean, "Don't be a wimp?"

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The person at the bottom's a music teacher!

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'Ben the Ice Scout laughed in the face of danger.

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'Then laughed again as I got my Ging Gang Goolies

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'trapped in a harness badge.'

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Ben, I'm very.... Aaargh, my plums!

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BEN LAUGHS

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Oh! I was doing fine until a horrific injury at the bottom.

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Ben, in about 14 years, I'll explain to you what just happened.

0:14:440:14:48

'All around the camp, the other Leaders shared their skills,

0:14:480:14:51

'commanding quiet respect from the kids in an atmosphere that

0:14:510:14:54

'was fun but not chaotic.

0:14:540:14:56

'But Gilbert the anti-Scout was struggling.

0:14:560:14:58

'I had no skills to share and the little sods knew it.'

0:14:580:15:01

LAUGHTER AND SHOUTING

0:15:010:15:04

I am your leader!

0:15:060:15:07

Scouts don't care!

0:15:100:15:11

LAUGHTER

0:15:110:15:14

'I was commanding no respect and, apart from a new motto,

0:15:140:15:17

'I'd contributed nothing all day.

0:15:170:15:19

'Well, almost nothing.'

0:15:190:15:22

RHOD DOES EVIL LAUGH

0:15:220:15:23

Rhod, were you telling ghost stories to Brett and Harvey?

0:15:230:15:27

I wasn't telling ghost stories to Brett and Harvey.

0:15:270:15:30

Yeah, but you were like, that this place used to be haunted.

0:15:300:15:32

No, it is haunted now.

0:15:320:15:34

How come it's haunted?

0:15:340:15:36

You don't know the story with the boy with the box?

0:15:360:15:38

He choked on a chocolate banana on this very spot.

0:15:380:15:41

And now, everywhere he goes, he carries a little box.

0:15:410:15:45

Do you know what's in that box?

0:15:450:15:46

-Chocolate banana?

-No. Don't be so stupid.

0:15:460:15:49

Why would he carry a box full of chocolate bananas?

0:15:490:15:51

He choked on one.

0:15:510:15:53

Maybe it's full of the other people's souls

0:15:530:15:55

-that choked on chocolate bananas.

-There's the banana.

0:15:550:15:59

You think he carries a box full of other people's souls who've

0:15:590:16:01

-choked on chocolate bananas?

-Yeah.

0:16:010:16:05

'As darkness fell and the Scouts' bedtime loomed, I hoped

0:16:050:16:08

'fear of my chocolate banana ghost would finally earn me some respect.'

0:16:080:16:11

Come on then, Scouts. Let's get you all into beddy-byes.

0:16:110:16:14

I'm not staying out here, cos of the ghost.

0:16:140:16:16

'But, frustratingly, I'd taught the Scouts too well.'

0:16:160:16:20

Guys, the ghost is usually out at about midnight, half past midnight.

0:16:200:16:24

That's what you said. Scouts don't care.

0:16:240:16:28

The problem is, I'm trying to instil fear in them

0:16:280:16:30

with a ghost story, but I've taught them to be too blase all day.

0:16:300:16:33

-They're just going, "Scouts don't care!"

-That's right.

0:16:330:16:36

I'm a victim of my own motto.

0:16:360:16:40

'If I was going to make the Scouts care and salvage any

0:16:400:16:42

'credibility, I had to convince them my dessert-based phantom was real.

0:16:420:16:46

'And, soon, a chilling aroma of chocolate

0:16:460:16:48

'and banana wafted through the camp.'

0:16:480:16:50

Go away!

0:16:540:16:57

'The chocolate banana ghost of old Swansea town

0:16:570:17:01

'buggered off as requested.'

0:17:010:17:03

'But, at dawn next morning, I regretted my actions,

0:17:040:17:07

'as the anti-Scout was out anti-Scouted by the Scouts.

0:17:070:17:10

'Five hours before I planned to get up, their kitchen utensil band

0:17:100:17:13

'woke me up with a budget version of the musical Stomp.

0:17:130:17:18

'I hadn't heard this much noise

0:17:180:17:20

'since my dad tried to make his own breakfast.'

0:17:200:17:22

PANS CLANG

0:17:220:17:24

I'm calling the police. 999.

0:17:340:17:36

I'm literally calling the police.

0:17:360:17:38

Aaargh!

0:17:420:17:43

'I was tempted to go for my Ram A Frying Pan Up A Scout badge,

0:17:450:17:49

'but before I could get my revenge, we were off.

0:17:490:17:51

'The day had started with a badge ceremony

0:17:510:17:54

'marking an important milestone.'

0:17:540:17:55

All these Cubs over here, this is their first night away.

0:17:550:17:58

APPLAUSE

0:17:580:18:02

First night away from home.

0:18:020:18:05

-I only cried twice.

-Can I have it?

0:18:050:18:07

Can you have it? No, you cannot. You've got yours!

0:18:070:18:10

Did anyone happen to smell the chocolate

0:18:100:18:12

and banana around their tent?

0:18:120:18:14

I knew it! I knew it!

0:18:140:18:17

It's the chocolate banana ghost!

0:18:170:18:19

It wasn't me.

0:18:190:18:20

'Mystery solved, it was on with the day.

0:18:200:18:23

'Gareth still didn't seem to have noticed that I couldn't organise

0:18:230:18:26

'a bum-off in a baboon house,

0:18:260:18:28

'and had set up a big navigational challenge.

0:18:280:18:30

'I'd go head-to-head with Richard,

0:18:300:18:32

'a super-Scout born with a neckerchief round his neck.'

0:18:320:18:34

Come on, now, guys. Guys. Come on.

0:18:340:18:38

Right, so you're going to go out with a group of Scouts each.

0:18:380:18:41

The ground is quite slippery, there's a few steep edges, cliffs.

0:18:410:18:44

You need to keep the Scouts safe.

0:18:440:18:47

Count the numbers before you go, count them

0:18:470:18:49

while you're walking round. No losing any of them. Please.

0:18:490:18:53

'Gareth divvied up the Scouts and gave us

0:18:530:18:56

'clues to our first locations.'

0:18:560:18:58

Where have they gone? Oh, God, have they started already?

0:18:580:19:00

Right, come on, everyone!

0:19:000:19:02

Go to grid reference...

0:19:020:19:04

-Where are we now?

-We're here.

0:19:040:19:06

I know we're here!

0:19:060:19:08

'St Richard, Scout of Swansea,

0:19:080:19:09

'and his super Scouts raced off to their first clue,

0:19:090:19:11

'while Gilbert and the runt Scouts hadn't moved off the starting grid.

0:19:110:19:14

-Put your finger there.

-This line here!

-It's not! Get your finger there!

0:19:140:19:17

-So, heading to location three now.

-'This was head-to-head combat.

0:19:170:19:20

'Order, versus chaos.'

0:19:200:19:22

Just run!

0:19:240:19:25

I'm not sure "just run" is the best advice.

0:19:250:19:27

'With woggle-face marching towards victory, God and the Queen would

0:19:270:19:30

'have to turn a blind eye, because there was only one thing for it.'

0:19:300:19:34

This is the plan. Are you listening? We have to play this dirty.

0:19:340:19:37

If we see any of their clues, destroy them.

0:19:370:19:41

There'll be something hidden in the undergrowth.

0:19:410:19:43

That's all we've been told. It won't be too far away from this position.

0:19:430:19:46

Can anybody see anything orange?

0:19:460:19:48

Just look for something orange.

0:19:480:19:50

Come on, focus!

0:19:500:19:52

Oh!

0:19:550:19:56

Guys!

0:19:580:19:59

Not only have we got orange, we've only gone and got green as well!

0:19:590:20:02

Grab it, then!

0:20:020:20:04

Right. 'Suddenly, the anti-Scout God intervened.

0:20:040:20:07

'We stumbled on one of their clues.'

0:20:070:20:09

RHOD DOES EVIL LAUGH

0:20:110:20:13

No. Quick. They're looking. They've got spies everywhere.

0:20:130:20:16

'The dud scouts were back in the game.

0:20:160:20:18

'We'd found old Scouty-pants Achilles' heel.'

0:20:180:20:20

Quick, chuck it into the river!

0:20:200:20:22

'We could lob his clues in the river.'

0:20:220:20:24

We haven't got it! We haven't got it!

0:20:240:20:26

Look, we haven't got it!

0:20:260:20:28

Right, that was good work there, team.

0:20:290:20:31

Did some good cheating there.

0:20:310:20:32

I don't know if we're in the lead, but we're cheating well as a team.

0:20:320:20:35

It's the only chance we've got of beating those swotty uber Scouts.

0:20:350:20:39

This is a train track. It's clear.

0:20:390:20:41

-One at a time.

-I like trains!

0:20:410:20:44

I know. But not so much you want to get hit by one.

0:20:440:20:46

-Right. Was there any of our group down there under that train?

-Yeah.

0:20:460:20:51

-Who?

-They just got smashed though.

0:20:510:20:53

How many are we in our group?

0:20:530:20:55

-Five.

-Five? One, two, three, four, five.

0:20:550:20:57

This is probably the wrong time to do a head count.

0:20:570:21:00

I should have done the head count before we started, shouldn't I?

0:21:000:21:02

'Like Miss Marple tanked up on Strongbow,

0:21:020:21:06

'we were hiding and destroying clues left, right and centre.'

0:21:060:21:08

If we stick it in here, they can't get it.

0:21:080:21:11

-THEY LAUGH

-Make sure they can't see it.

0:21:110:21:13

'We were intoxicated with cheating and it was starting to backfire.

0:21:130:21:16

'Our nemesis, Luke Scout-walker, was hot on our heels.'

0:21:160:21:19

Put that back in there.

0:21:190:21:21

We're falling apart at the seams, team! Come here. Listen to me.

0:21:210:21:24

New rule for our team. Maximum of three minutes cheating per clue.

0:21:240:21:27

Right? Otherwise, we're spending longer cheating

0:21:270:21:30

-than we're going to slow them down.

-OK.

0:21:300:21:32

Right, can you see what I'm saying?

0:21:320:21:34

'With the Scoutinator right behind us, we scarpered into the woods.

0:21:340:21:37

'We thought we'd got away with it, but Scouticus was onto us.'

0:21:370:21:40

Crushed.

0:21:400:21:42

Oh, no. Cheats.

0:21:420:21:44

'And, running blindly into the woods had sent us completely off course.'

0:21:450:21:50

I think what we've done here is really stupid, but I don't know.

0:21:500:21:53

I'm too stupid to know if what we've done is just really stupid or not.

0:21:530:21:58

'If he'd seen as now,

0:21:580:21:59

'Bear Grylls would have been turning in his five-star hotel bed.'

0:21:590:22:03

We have totally messed this up, by the way. I'm out of my depth, guys.

0:22:030:22:08

-How many hours have we been out? Has anybody got a watch?

-Yeah.

0:22:080:22:11

What time are we supposed be back?

0:22:110:22:14

I don't know. I don't know what time we left. Do you?

0:22:140:22:16

'I knew less about wilderness survival than

0:22:200:22:22

'Paris Hilton's Chihuahua.

0:22:220:22:25

'But, a bad Scout Leader always blames his Scouts.'

0:22:250:22:27

Where were you when you were taught these things?

0:22:270:22:29

Have you got your Map Reading badge? Have you?

0:22:290:22:33

-No.

-Have you?

-We haven't got much badges.

0:22:330:22:36

You haven't got much badges?

0:22:360:22:38

-From Scouts.

-From Scouts. Where have you got them from? Blue Peter?

0:22:380:22:41

-Come on.

-Yeah, we have.

0:22:410:22:42

'What was supposed to be a few fun-filled minutes had

0:22:420:22:45

'turned into a three-hour nightmare.'

0:22:450:22:49

It's an absolute disaster.

0:22:490:22:51

Where is that place on this map?

0:22:510:22:53

We don't even know that!

0:22:530:22:55

Why weren't you listening in Cubs?

0:22:550:22:56

'Tired, cold and hungry,

0:22:560:22:58

'the "Scouts don't care" nonsense was just a distant memory.

0:22:580:23:00

'My Scouts did care about going home.

0:23:000:23:03

Does anyone see a fence, or where a fence used to be?

0:23:030:23:06

Oi! Come back!

0:23:060:23:07

I stood in dog shit again!

0:23:070:23:10

LAUGHTER

0:23:100:23:12

Somebody clean up after your dog!

0:23:120:23:14

Keep the Country Code!

0:23:140:23:15

Come on. Did anyone bring any little snacks or energy bars or

0:23:170:23:21

anything like that? You're hungry?

0:23:210:23:23

I'm hungry, that's what I'm saying.

0:23:230:23:26

Sooner or later, we're going to die.

0:23:260:23:28

'It was over. We had no way of getting home.

0:23:280:23:31

'We were ten minutes from certain death. We were doomed.'

0:23:310:23:34

-You've got sat nav on your phone?

-I think so.

0:23:350:23:39

Oh, my God!

0:23:390:23:42

'With their trusty sat nav,

0:23:420:23:43

six minutes later we were pretty much home.'

0:23:430:23:45

Did we take any supplies with us? Any water, anything?

0:23:450:23:48

-I took some water.

-Did you?

0:23:480:23:50

-Yeah.

-Why didn't you tell us that three hours ago, Jay?

0:23:500:23:52

I did, at the start!

0:23:520:23:54

-You didn't say you had anything!

-Yes, I did!

-No, you didn't!

0:23:540:23:57

You didn't say, "I've got water. Does anyone want a drink?"

0:23:570:23:59

'The defeated runt Scouts finally limped into camp.

0:23:590:24:02

'The super Scouts had been back for hours.

0:24:020:24:04

'It was game over for my childish anti-Scout nonsense.'

0:24:040:24:07

You'd think I'd have learned something, but no.

0:24:070:24:09

I set off with my group without so much as a bottle of water.

0:24:090:24:12

I didn't even ask the time.

0:24:120:24:13

I did even ask how long it was supposed to take.

0:24:130:24:16

I set off without even a bottle of water. That even annoys me a bit.

0:24:160:24:21

'In the real world, my attitude would have got us all killed.

0:24:210:24:24

'The thought of dying within earshot of a motorway services with

0:24:240:24:27

'a Postman Pat ride was just too humiliating.

0:24:270:24:30

'To be a good Scout Leader, I felt I should be useful on some level

0:24:300:24:33

'and I was a bit ashamed that, apart from a chocolate banana ghost,

0:24:330:24:36

'I'd brought nothing to the camp.

0:24:360:24:38

'Luckily, Gareth came to my rescue.'

0:24:380:24:40

There's an Entertainer's badge, and I was quite hoping that you

0:24:400:24:43

would help some of the Scouts and yourself win an Entertainer's badge.

0:24:430:24:47

I could probably do some kind of little workshop thing, where we workshop ideas

0:24:470:24:50

and do a bit of almost observational stand-up about being a Scout.

0:24:500:24:54

If you can encourage them to get that information on how to do

0:24:540:24:57

that and give them the skills of how to do that, perfect Leader.

0:24:570:25:01

Right. I'll give that a go.

0:25:010:25:04

'Next day, like a man giving himself a home-made filling with

0:25:040:25:06

'a Black & Decker drill, I had the bit firmly between my teeth.

0:25:060:25:09

'I was now the anti-anti-Scout,

0:25:090:25:11

'determined to prove I could impart a valuable skill.'

0:25:110:25:14

Tonight, we're going to do is sketches, and, with a bit of luck,

0:25:140:25:17

if it goes well, you are going to earn your Entertainment badge.

0:25:170:25:21

CHEERING

0:25:210:25:22

And I am going to become a bona fide Scout Leader!

0:25:220:25:25

CHEERING

0:25:250:25:26

-You don't care, do you?

-SCOUTS:

-No!

0:25:260:25:28

Scouts don't care!

0:25:280:25:30

'Tonight, the camp would watch us perform. Entertainers badges on the line,

0:25:300:25:34

'I had a few short hours to turn them into little green Seinfelds.

0:25:340:25:37

'Lesson one, projection.'

0:25:370:25:38

Scouts don't care!

0:25:380:25:41

Scouts don't care!

0:25:410:25:43

Scouts don't care!

0:25:430:25:44

Didn't understand him, it's loud enough.

0:25:440:25:46

'Lesson two, facing the right way.'

0:25:460:25:48

You won't get a laugh if you're looking away or looking down.

0:25:480:25:51

Look at the audience.

0:25:510:25:52

'Less than three, props.

0:25:520:25:53

'Lesson four, hot dogs.

0:25:530:25:56

'Lesson five, using a chair.

0:25:560:25:58

'Lesson six, material.'

0:25:580:26:00

What kind of cheese is made of cheese?

0:26:000:26:03

Cheese.

0:26:030:26:04

LAUGHTER

0:26:040:26:05

What's the most religious food?

0:26:050:26:06

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

0:26:060:26:08

'Lesson seven, better material.'

0:26:080:26:10

Like, what's going on in the sketch?

0:26:100:26:12

It's like all of us pretending to be Leaders. We're handing out badges.

0:26:120:26:17

A fake ceremony where you're getting your badges.

0:26:170:26:20

What kinds of things are stupid badges?

0:26:200:26:22

-I Got Killed By Camp Food.

-I Got Killed By Camp Food badge.

0:26:220:26:25

Maybe the people who carry him

0:26:250:26:27

could get the I Carried A Dead Person badge.

0:26:270:26:29

That's a good idea.

0:26:290:26:31

I don't think you're going to be very popular with the Leaders.

0:26:310:26:34

-Yeah, but guess what?

-SCOUTS:

-Scouts don't care!

0:26:340:26:36

That's getting old now.

0:26:360:26:37

What do you mean? Only been going a few hours.

0:26:370:26:39

"Be Prepared" has been knocking around since about 1920.

0:26:390:26:42

He's getting the Worst Comedian award.

0:26:420:26:44

I'm getting the Worst Comedian award.

0:26:440:26:46

I'll come out and get the Worst Comedian award. That's funny.

0:26:460:26:49

Exhausting. But we're getting there.

0:26:490:26:52

They're really creative, some good ideas. It's really funny.

0:26:520:26:55

We've just got to find a role for everyone

0:26:550:26:57

and then we've got to pull it off.

0:26:570:26:59

'As evening fell, an expectant crowd gathered round the campfire.

0:26:590:27:03

'This was our moment.

0:27:030:27:04

'I was as anxious for my Scouts as I was for myself.

0:27:040:27:06

'Their Entertainment badges

0:27:060:27:08

'and my I'm Not A Complete Dick badge were all hanging on this.'

0:27:080:27:11

Are we ready?

0:27:110:27:12

Go...

0:27:120:27:15

Rhod Squad!

0:27:150:27:17

We're going for it. We're going to do this.

0:27:170:27:19

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our comedy club!

0:27:190:27:22

CHEERING

0:27:220:27:25

I give you the Rhod Squad!

0:27:250:27:27

CHEERING

0:27:270:27:29

I'm Akela and welcome to the awards ceremony.

0:27:290:27:31

Pack, Pack, Pack!

0:27:310:27:33

Pack, Pack, Pack!

0:27:350:27:37

'The Rhod Squad's sketch parodied their badges ceremonies

0:27:370:27:40

'and the survival challenges of camping.'

0:27:400:27:42

I've got the Drinking Urine award!

0:27:420:27:46

AUDIENCE: Eeurgh!

0:27:460:27:47

RHOD LAUGHS

0:27:470:27:50

And it's not even mine!

0:27:500:27:51

LAUGHTER

0:27:510:27:53

Hey, where's my urine?

0:27:550:27:56

'And maybe this is what being a Scout Leader is all about -

0:27:560:27:59

'volunteering your time and bringing what you've got to the party.

0:27:590:28:03

'Even if, like me, you haven't got all that much to bring.'

0:28:030:28:06

I got the Longest Hair In My Hotdog award!

0:28:060:28:09

AUDIENCE: Eeurgh!

0:28:090:28:10

That genuinely happened while we were rehearsing!

0:28:100:28:12

LAUGHTER

0:28:120:28:14

-Congratulations, Rhod.

-Thank you.

0:28:140:28:16

I got the Worst Comedian In The World award!

0:28:160:28:18

CHEERING

0:28:180:28:20

Remember, folks!

0:28:200:28:22

-PERFORMERS:

-Scouts don't care!

0:28:220:28:25

CHEERING

0:28:250:28:28

Well done, chaps! You nailed it! Give us a high five! Well done!

0:28:280:28:31

'First thing I've done

0:28:310:28:32

'while I've been here where I've sort of brought a little'

0:28:320:28:35

bit of my world and a little bit of my skills to what they do.

0:28:350:28:39

The rest of the time, just careering like a giraffe on roller-skates,

0:28:390:28:43

from one disaster to the next.

0:28:430:28:46

But it really moved me. I was really quite emotional.

0:28:460:28:49

There's no greater feeling

0:28:490:28:52

than helping kids.

0:28:520:28:57

It's amazing.

0:28:570:28:59

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:030:29:05

Rhod heads off on a wilderness survival camp with 200 eager Swansea Scouts. The closest Rhod has ever come to taking kids camping is walking past a camping shop with his nephew, so can the anarchic comedian lead a group of 12-year-olds safely through a forest and bite his tongue when his tent is attacked at 7am by the kitchen utensil band?


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