Rhod Gilbert tries his hand at a variety of jobs. Rhod takes a coach load of Welsh pensioners on a guided tour of Antwerp and Bruges.
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'I'm Rhod Gilbert, stand-up comedian.
'People tell me I've got the toughest job in town,
'but I'm sure I'd find other things far more difficult, so I'm
'ditching my regular job and trying something completely different.
'This is my Work Experience.'
'This week, I'm a coach tour guide.'
'In a few days, I'll be taking a load of Welsh pensioners to
'Belgium, but the closest I've come to giving a guided tour is
'showing someone where the Hoover bags were when I worked in Curry's.
'A coach company near Pontypridd had agreed to take me on.
'I was here to meet Huw and Julie. Between them, they knew more
'about taking pensioners abroad than a Dignitas rep.'
A tour guide makes or breaks the holiday.
You can't just sort of ad-hoc something, it's got to be planned.
You've got to know what you're doing, where you're going.
It's exceptional customer service that we're looking for at all times.
There'll be a couple of people on board to keep an eye on you.
I'll be travelling with the group as well,
-but I'll be taking a back seat.
I think this is probably the weirdest one I've done.
'I'd be travelling alongside veteran driver Glyn.
'He looked more like a coach driver than was humanly possible.
'When he started driving,
'Jesus was still turning water into Sunny Delight.'
Everything is self-explanatory in the toilet. Those buttons...
Oh, that's nice, Glyn!
That is nice, that is. This is the business, this one, is it?
That's pretty sharp, that one.
When you sit in the courier's seat, it is not so comfortable.
-Is that my seat down there?
-That's your seat down there.
-That's it, is it?
-That's it! Yeah!
And after a hard day's tour guiding, I'll switch off and relax. Ohhh.
-That's much better.
-Unless you want to swap over.
I don't mind doing it. I detest driving, I hate driving, so...
-You hate driving?!
-What sort of driver are you if you hate driving?!
I detest driving.
-Glyn, can I ask you a question?
Do you ever feel like you're in the wrong job?
HE LAUGHS Hmmmmm.
I've got a full itinerary. Every day is mapped out for me.
Get up at this time, then breakfast, then get the luggage on-board.
Everything is boom, boom, boom. This time, that time.
I'm going to be responsible for getting all of us
into those places at the right time. That's a bit of a worry, isn't it?
'A few days later, at the crack of dawn,
'I waited with a suitcase full of Werther's Originals
'and an air rifle.
'I looked like a bellboy, felt like a bell end.
'It was time to belt up and head for Belgium.'
I'm in Magor services near Newport. I've had one hour's sleep.
And that's more training than I've had.
'With 30 Belgium-hungry silver surfers onboard, I felt
'as out of place as Robert Mugabe at a Geri Halliwell book signing!'
-Good morning, all.
-ALL: Good morning.
I'm Rhod, I'll be your tour guide. Let's go to Antwerp!
Oh, Glyn. You're spoiling me.
'The mobile retirement home sets sail, and like a cow that's
'been minced and vacuum-packed, I couldn't walk away now.'
I'll just make a few announcements, ladies and gentlemen.
There are two or three emergency exits.
How many are there, Glyn, on this particular coach?
Every window is an emergency exit.
Every window is an emergency exit. How do they get out the windows?
-There are little hammers on the pillars.
Then you've got to jump to the floor.
That's it, ladies and gentlemen, if you do have any problems,
simply smash the window and jump the 15 feet to safety.
I will be below with a sheet.
'Glyn sped to Dover.
'At the back, it was like Last Of The Summer Wine meets Spring Break.
'They were on a mission, knocking back the drinks like teenagers.'
-It IS chocolate now, is it?
-Yeah, chocolate that is, yeah.
'With the party in full swing behind me, I wasn't sure what to do next.
'But I had to try and calm them down somehow.
'I tried some advanced Flemish lessons.'
'I'll just give you a couple of words that you may find useful.
-Yes is ja.
-No is nee.
-Hello is hallo.
-And thank you is dank u.
-ALL: Dank u.
If we do need the toilet,
the phrase you need is "waar is het toilet"?
ALL: Waar is het toilet?
If the situation is more urgent, "waar is het toilet? II hulp nodig."
Where is the toilet, I need help.
And once everything is back to normal, don't forget. Dank u.
'Gaining in confidence, I threw out some facts about our destination.
'I tailored it to my audience and they lapped it up.'
Belgian people are the most avid users of discount coupons
-in the world.
Belgium produces the greatest variety of bricks in the world.
Also, for those of you who are interested,
I wouldn't give me any hassle because if you do,
I should probably point out that Belgium has legalised euthanasia.
'As we rolled into Dover,
'a quick mirror under their noses established no-one was dead yet.
'Waiting for the ferry,
'I discovered one of our group was a retired tour guide.
'I hung on Roy's every word as he blew
'the lid off some of the industry's best-kept secrets.'
When you're serving teas, just keep your feet apart, like that.
-That gives you a little bit of balance. Right?
-Good advice, Roy.
Good advice. HE LAUGHS
-Noted. Feet apart for teas and coffees.
-Is that the same for hot chocolate?
'Roy's technique for standing up had worked a treat in the car park,
'and I couldn't wait to try it on the ferry.'
-Ladies and gentlemen, we can't go any further.
'On board, I got to know my group better.
'They were experienced coach trippers
'and knew exactly what they wanted.
'Gaynor made it clear that if their demands for entertainment
'weren't met, she'd suffocate a puppy in her hair.
'I turned to Glyn for help.' They want bingo.
-They demanded bingo. Gaynor is bingo this, bingo that.
When is the bingo?
'The waistcoated crusader and I set off in search of bingo cards,
'but with France in sight, it looked like that puppy was going to
'be munching perm, because no-one could help.'
"Bingo cards, France. Buy."
Who are you ringing? The National Bingo Helpline?
I might just buy a pair of sunglasses while I'm here.
No. Focus, focus.
'We had docked and I hadn't found any bingo cards.
'And now I couldn't find the coach either.'
-It's where you left it.
-It's right there where you left it.
I've forgotten where I left it, though, that's the problem!
# Why are we waiting? Why are we waiting for Rho-o-od?! #
-Sorry! I was looking for you lot!
I was trying to find some bloody bingo!
'We glided into Europe with Wales's answer to
'Jenson Button, Glyn I-can't-do- my-waistcoat-buttons-up.
'The demands of the job and the 4:00am start had done me in.'
'The Antiques Roadshow rolled into Antwerp,
'but I'd neglected all of my duties for over an hour.'
I think I might have dozed off a bit there, did I?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
We've all been waiting for tea!
You've probably noticed I've been quiet while we've been in Antwerp,
so as to allow you to enjoy it for yourselves for a while.
'I was exhausted, but I still had to drop a coachload of pensioners off
'at a budget hotel.
'That's not a euphemism for a difficult poo,
'I literally had to check us all in.'
That's our list. Here we are.
Mr and Mrs Jones. That could be anyone, couldn't it, that?
Jenkins and Cartwright.
'Checking in 30 Welsh people was never going to be easy.
'We had fewer surnames than the Nolan sisters.'
You're in 321, sorry, yes, that's right.
Are you supposed to be in a twin room, in 239?
You swapped with this lady. Oh, God, yes, you swapped with her.
Sod's law, the wrong Williamses
and the wrong Cartwrights have all gone in each other's rooms,
so I've basically got an inadvertent wife-swapping situation!
'I left them to settle into the wrong rooms with the wrong partners
'Day two was another early start.
'The historic city of Bruges and a sightseeing extravaganza awaited.
'I was as nervous as the puppy in Gaynor's handbag
'because I had to make sure the day ran like clockwork.'
-Have you seen Rhod this morning?
-Have you seen Rhod this morning?
-No, I haven't seen him.
-We haven't seen him either.
We've got about five minutes and then we're going.
Hi, Rhod, it's Huw. We were due to leave at 8:15 AM.
'Unfortunately, my clock didn't work and I'd overslept.
'Huw was angrier than a Glaswegian zit.
'The two Annes weren't happy,
'the whole day's schedule was now in jeopardy.'
Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks.
-Good morning, everyone.
-I'm very, very, very, very sorry.
'I was in the doghouse.
'I needed to get us back on schedule but I knew nothing about Bruges.
'Our scenic river tour left any minute
'and I had parked us miles away from any rivers.
'We shuffled off in search of water like a budget version
'of the Thriller video.'
Sorry it's not warmer. My fault, my fault.
If you'd got up earlier, the sun would be shining!
Yes, I'm sure it was a lovely day!
'We were going as fast as we could but between us,
'we had more walking sticks than a Charlie Chaplin exhibition.
'We were getting later and later for our river tour.'
So, if I'd known how long this was going to take,
-I'd have got up earlier!
-We're picking up the rear.
-No, you're not even picking up the rear either!
-I can't believe it!
Come on, riff-raff.
-Don't be last, try and overtake them now on the way!
-Change up a gear.
Yes, change up a gear now.
'Cold, battered and bruised, we finally got to the boats.
'If I was going to turn this round, I needed to blow their socks off
'or at least gently remove their support stockings.
'I had to give them the river tour of a lifetime.'
The Lake Of Love...
-The Lake Of Love is a romantic place...
Oh, dear, is that the Palace?
-Is that the Palace of the thing there?
-No, that's a hospital.
Oh, that's a hospital.
'My scenic river tour was partially hampered by my not knowing
'anything about Bruges.' Nothing to say about this bridge whatsoever.
-Oh, 17th-century almshouses on the left
-for the poor.
-They're still used for them now.
They're still used for the poor.
Which make me feel a little bit insensitive
announcing that over a tannoy outside their house.
And on our left, some of the poor people, still happy.
It doesn't cost anything to smile. Look at that.
'Bags of kittens have had more enjoyable river tours,
'but things were about to get worse.
'I'd booked lunch on the other side of town
'and we trundled off again.'
If you throw a coin into the Lake Of Love,
your wish will come true, ladies and gentlemen.
Why don't you throw him in it?!
'Molly had a point. I was letting everyone down.
'Like a deputy headmaster who's gone into school in a negligee
'and pop socks, I knew I had to change.
'With more sightseeing laid on after lunch, I had an idea.'
I'm not pointing the finger, I'm not mentioning any names,
but as a group, we are quite slow.
I've got to offer, suggest that those who would like it,
take a taxi to the next venue.
'I'd finally done something right. My taxis were snapped up.
'I'd showed I was thinking about them
'and the mood improved immediately.'
Oh, hi, can I get some taxis for nine people, please?
I have quite a sense of achievement.
All I've done is order two taxis in Belgium. Still!
'I loaded the taxis and ran on ahead with my PILFs.
Pensioners I'd Learnt Were Fast!
Our next stop was avant-garde chocolate nut job,
Dominique Persoone, the Salvador Dali of the chocolate world.
-I'm the man, I am Rhod, hello.
-Hello, Dominique, nice to meet you.
-Hi, thanks for making time for us.
-Oh, no problem.
-We're all looking forward to this.
-OK, good. Want to go upstairs?
-Talk amongst yourselves.
Welcome, this is the test kitchen of our chocolate client team.
And I have all kinky spices that is not allowed to get
near our big production,
so, that is why we have this test kitchen here.
Having catered for the Rolling Stones, Dominique had
-invented some interesting ways of taking chocolate.
-One, two, three.
-Let's have another go!
Who else wants to have their brain turned with chocolate?
'The morning had been a disaster. I knew this was make or break.'
Feel your brain turning with chocolate?
'But minutes later,
'we were mainlining chocolates like the Milky Bar kid in a crack den.
'We'd totally forgotten the rubbish morning we'd had.
-Very dark lips.
'We were all off our Snickers.
'Twixes farts, but we'd bonded in the chocolate asylum.'
You all right?
All right, pair of Annes! Here they come. A right Anne-ful.
Look at them, Jenkins and Cartwright,
always at the bloody back. Come on! It's like Grange Hill with you two!
Always something going on! Always somebody causing trouble!
'George Michael may have been careless with his Wispa,
'but even he never rammed it up his nose.
'Heading back to Antwerp on the coach,
'my brain had been properly Curlywurlied!'
Apparently in the old days,
they used to lob live cats as far as you could as a kind
of game, well they still do, but nowadays they use dead cats.
-In the old days, they used to...
-Stuffed cats, not dead ones!
-Oh, they use stunt cats!
-Oh, stuffed cats!
-I've got no teeth, have I?!
They don't use DEAD cats.
Nowadays they use stuffed cats, not dead cats!
Although stuffed cats are usually dead, in my opinion.
I think today has been a game of two halves.
Some highlights and some lowlights, I think.
A lowlight for everyone was me failing to turn up this morning.
The atmosphere was distinctly frosty.
Lunchtime, the sun came out, in many ways.
I think we've all been a lot happier since.
'The group flaked out at the hotel to nurse their come-downs.
'Tomorrow was another busy day,
'because I'd be showing the group around Antwerp.
'But I knew less about Antwerp than I did about Bruges,
'and headed onto the streets to immerse myself in the local scene.'
-Are you guys from Antwerp?
-Have a nice day.
-I am not from Antwerp.
-You're not from Antwerp.
-You're not from Antwerp.
-Are you guys from Antwerp?
You're not either.
Nobody is from Antwerp! Are you guys from Antwerp? No.
-I don't think anybody lives in
'After two hours, it was hopeless.
'I wasn't just flogging a dead horse,
'I was shooting its remains out of a cannon.
'I went to bed with my guidebook.
'Next morning, I did a few lines of Toblerone and mainlined
'a Bounty before rushing downstairs to help with breakfast.
'Like a good tour guide, I was now attending to my group's every whim.'
Because of this uniform, everyone from Denmark,
from Germany is just coming over and pointing at things going,
"bread, why is there no bread? Where is the bread?!"
-You look like the waiter.
-No, he looks like the manager!
All right, the manager.
-How come you still manage to look like a bus driver?
HE SPEAKS IN HIS OWN LANGUAGE
Very probably. BBC, yes.
I wasn't the only one who had been smoking Caramac that morning.
-Oh, I see. OK.
-Very good for you.
-Very good. I will try it.
I know what it looks like.
Of course I'm on time. I'm always on time.
Roy, you hold the traffic at bay there.
He's got a spring in his step today.
He's not usually the pacemaker, but look at him go!
All right, Cartwright, Jenkins. Everyone all right?
I've learnt from my mistakes yesterday.
I still don't know what I'm doing, but I'm going to give it a good go.
A damn good go.
'Yesterday's unplanned walkabouts had left us
'with more dodgy legs than a KFC Party Bucket,
'so I'd blagged us a tram to get to our first port of call.'
'I'd been up all night revising and it had paid off.
'I now knew everything about this historic city.'
-What is that?
-What is that? It's a tree.
-No, look at it!
-How many flags are hung?
How many flags are hanging up there?
Just count them!
-I'd like that for my garden.
-You'd like that in your garden?
Molly, if you shut up for three seconds,
you'll see some beautiful architecture around here.
'I had to get us to a cultural museum and, like the spots
'on Peter Stringfellow's backside, I was all over it.'
I do know that on the top, there's panoramic views of the city.
And I've also arranged lifts and escalators.
Lifts for those with mobility problems,
escalators for Cartwright and Jenkins.
Who, as we know, just have motivational difficulties.
There are giant games of Snakes and Ladders!
Says to keep the kids entertained,
but nothing of bingo games.
'While they raided the museum for features for Molly's garden,
'I organised lunch. I pulled off a real coup and landed us
'an exotic Belgian speciality called frites.'
Right, how many chips have we got?
Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten...
16. Seven with tomato sauce. Mayo?
One, two, three, four... five.
Seven and five is 12, add three is 15.
Somebody hasn't specified.
Hands up for chicken things!
One, two, three, four, five.
That's 15 people.
Hands up for fish! Fish!
That's 15 people. We're one bloody short!
But I'm only having chips.
You said put your hands up for fish and sausage.
I don't want it.
You, Roy, are a dickhead!
'I was doing so well, Roy the former tour guide didn't like it.
'Feeling threatened, he was determined to sabotage my efforts.
'I needed to remind him who was boss on this trip.
'Molly's bragging gave me an idea.'
When I go on the Harrods trip around London...
He holds a walking stick up.
Does he? That is good enough for me.
I'm looking for something that will mark me out
in a distinguished manner as a tour guide.
'It didn't take long to find the perfect accessory.
'My new eagle gave me instant gravitas and authority.
'Other tour guides would bow before me.
'Any more lip from Roy, and he'd be picking beak out of his ass for a week.
'Although, rounding my group up for our next visit,
'not everyone was afraid of it as I'd hoped.'
Who's that? Jenkins and Cartwright!
It's like having two little naughty kids, it is.
-Look at the cocks.
-Look how they spell Cockx?
We're on a cultural tour of Antwerp.
This is so typically Welsh valleys.
"Look how they spell cocks, lads!"
What do you think?
Oh, my gosh, I don't think I trust you with that!
I better take care of it!
It's a beauty, though, isn't it? Give that a go, Warren.
Give that one a try. You're a stick expert.
It is meant to give me gravitas as a tour guide,
but, also, just to instil a bit of fear, as well.
-You be very, very careful.
'Our next visit was a local booze-tasting.
'If we were going to make it on time, I needed to get
'people into taxis, but my lucky eagle wasn't having the desired effect.'
Do you have any taxis available for eight people now, please?
-'I have no cars free on this moment.'
-You have no cars free now?
I've tried that one, I've tried two others.
I'm going to go in here and see if I can take a taxi number.
Huw, can I deputise and put you in charge of the walkers?
The racing pensioners, if you can get them back to the coach park,
I'll look after the injured and the dying.
We've got to be at the gin tasting at 3.15, it's a 20-minute drive
and we are 15, 20 minutes away from the coach.
So, we are...
We're in Gillian McKeith's house without a paddle.
'Huw set off with a fuel-injected pelt, but,
'when the taxis came for the rest of us,
'there were more bums than seats.'
Don't worry about me. I'll find my own way now.
Give us a lift, mate.
The worst thing is, they're all going to blame me and go,
"Wey, there he is."
Don't you "Hooray" me.
You will feel my eagle.
We're ten minutes late.
I'm not sure that they'll let us in to the Elixir d'Anvers,
which is the famous herb liquor.
We've got a tasting organised, but, apparently, they are, well,
ball-breakers, for want of a better word, when it comes to timing.
'We were already running very late and now we were lost.'
-Is that the one?
-Is that it?
We were just wondering, can we check the address we've got for you, cos the sat nav in
our coach is taking us somewhere
and we don't think we're in the right place.
132, we're looking for. 132, ladies and gentlemen!
-Number 80 on your right.
-80 on the right.
'We needed to find the place fast,
'because, as we shouted the house numbers, Gaynor got very twitchy.'
-Bingo only goes 1 to 90.
We're just looking for number 132, Gaynor, the bingo hasn't started!
-Hi, thank you very much.
-We're very sorry.
-You're the tour operator?
I'm the tour operator. I'm very, very sorry we're late.
We had a few taxi issues, a few mobility issues.
But we are here now and we are absolutely gasping
for some of your life-enhancing elixir.
'My charm offensive had patched things up and saved the tour,
'but, minutes later, my grovelling good work
'was almost undone by the Grange Hill twins.'
I think you call it in England a cure or die remedy.
A household remedy.
Not only date from 1894...
Just one moment.
We've had a lot of trouble with these two. Had to be you, didn't it?
And the beginning is, of course, the inventor of this liquor
and it was such a success...
..at the first distillery...
Switch it off.
Jenkins, Cartwright. See me on the coach after this.
Now, already, after the First World War,
Francois-Xavier retired at a young age in 1922...
PHONE RINGS ..and he left the management...
Right, you two, out!
And you! Go on!
'As we headed out for our last night in Antwerp, I felt
'totally at home with this fantastic group.'
Central Station, ladies and gentlemen, up ahead!
What year was it built?
'We celebrated together, but I still had to get them home
'and there was a bingo-shaped shadow hanging over me.
'I'd heard barking from Gaynor's room in Antwerp and I knew
'if we didn't play bingo on the way home, that puppy was a goner.
'Next morning, as we headed back to Calais, I tried to distract
'the group with other games.'
Are you male or female?
You can't ask me about male or female,
it's got to be a yes or no answer.
-Oh, right. Are you male?
Are you a pop singer?
-Are you a pop singer?
It's Guess Who!
I don't know what their bloody jobs are, I've just got a picture of their face!
I spy with my little eye...
Let's have a look around here...
Don't worry, I'm not looking up your skirt, Anne!
I'll choose something we can all see.
It wouldn't be fair on the others.
'I was feeling really guilty that I hadn't sorted the bingo out for Gaynor.
'I knew it was important that she had a turn at I Spy.'
I spy with my little eye something beginning with R-S,
and it's outside.
'But, when we got to Calais, I spied with my little eye someone
'beginning with G, and she still wasn't happy. Guess who?'
I've got to tell you, now.
We've been out three days, today we're going home, our fourth day.
-And we still haven't had a game of bingo.
-No, I know.
-I asked you the first morning.
-I know you did.
I take it you haven't got any books yet, then?
I've still got 20 minutes.
"We've never had a trip without bingo!"
I've promised them it and I'm going to get it.
This is the problem I've got. "Le magasin sera ferme le 1 mai."
This shop will be closed 1 May. It is bank holiday.
I've got 20 minutes in Calais to find bloody bingo.
Vous connaissez le jeu bingo?
Je cherche les cartes pour le bingo.
-Au tabac? Ah, oui?
'It looked like the puppy was going to live to see another day.
'I'd found some bingo.'
It's a scratchcard bingo.
Two euros a pop, but somebody could win 10,000 euros.
Six, sept, huit, neuf, dix...
No doubt about it...
our lucky eagle is paying dividends.
'On the ferry home, I headed triumphantly for Gaynor, bingo cards in hand.'
I have sorted. The bingo is sorted.
That's not bingo.
What is your bingo, then?
You've got a book of six, numbers 1 to 90,
you call the numbers out, we marked them off.
She wants proper, full-on, Mecca bloody bingo, doesn't she?
She wants bingo hall, Vegas bingo, that's what she wants!
'In desperation, I had one last hunt.
'I was about to give up when - snap!
'I mean - bingo!'
Magnetic games for travel. Magnetic bingo.
That's going to keep one pensioner very happy, that.
-She's been going crazy.
Almost did a dirty protest on the bus.
'The ferry was docking.
'I couldn't wait to show Gaynor what I'd found,
'but I'd lost two of my group.
'No prizes for guessing who.'
Jenkins, Cartwright! Come on!
GRANGE HILL THEME PLAYS
'It was the last leg of the journey, and as I handed out the bingo,
'I felt like I'd become a half-decent tour guide.
28 brown. 28 across is our top speed in miles an hour.
'But, as we played, I realised I'd made a terrible mistake.
'My travel bingo was designed for two players
'and half of them had the same numbers.'
Bingo is just so stressful.
'As Glyn-no-buttons brought us safely home,
'I'd enjoyed myself immensely and hoped my new friends had too.'
Thank you very, very, very much for having me.
It's been a very strange experience for me.
In some ways, it totally fits my personality,
and in some ways it doesn't.
The thing in this job is you have to put yourself last
and look after every other single person before yourself and that's what Huw,
I guess, and people that do this job do, is put themselves last.
And that doesn't come naturally to me.
But I've thoroughly enjoyed it, so thanks very much.
It's been a privilege to, hopefully, look after you all reasonably well.
Nobody's dead. We're all here, aren't we?
We're all back and I consider that a success!
So thank you very, very much ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
I said to you on Sunday going out,
I said, I gave you a bit of advice,
"Keep the people happy." And that's exactly what you did.
You had me crying this morning. Oh, I was in tears. Brilliant.
-In a good way?
-Absolutely brilliant. You make a good guide.
Thank you very, very much.
That is one lovely, lovely community and I've absolutely loved it.
I had a little tear in my eye.
I'm probably overtired.
Just need to go home.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
Rhod's going on tour again, but this time with a coach load of Welsh pensioners. He's been recruited to run a trip to Antwerp and Bruges - but the closest he's come to giving a guided tour is showing a builder to the toilet in his flat. Rhod's stand-up routine is of no help when faced with a list of interesting facts about Belgium. Just getting up in the morning is a major challenge, never mind getting everyone to a factory on time to snort chocolate. Will this be the worst guided tour since King Kong's New York sightseeing extravaganza?