Coach Tour Guide Rhod Gilbert's Work Experience


Coach Tour Guide

Rhod Gilbert tries his hand at a variety of jobs. Rhod takes a coach load of Welsh pensioners on a guided tour of Antwerp and Bruges.


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Transcript


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'I'm Rhod Gilbert, stand-up comedian.

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'People tell me I've got the toughest job in town,

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'but I'm sure I'd find other things far more difficult, so I'm

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'ditching my regular job and trying something completely different.

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'This is my Work Experience.'

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'This week, I'm a coach tour guide.'

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'In a few days, I'll be taking a load of Welsh pensioners to

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'Belgium, but the closest I've come to giving a guided tour is

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'showing someone where the Hoover bags were when I worked in Curry's.

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'A coach company near Pontypridd had agreed to take me on.

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'I was here to meet Huw and Julie. Between them, they knew more

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'about taking pensioners abroad than a Dignitas rep.'

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A tour guide makes or breaks the holiday.

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You can't just sort of ad-hoc something, it's got to be planned.

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You've got to know what you're doing, where you're going.

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It's exceptional customer service that we're looking for at all times.

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There'll be a couple of people on board to keep an eye on you.

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I'll be travelling with the group as well,

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-but I'll be taking a back seat.

-HE LAUGHS

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I think this is probably the weirdest one I've done.

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'I'd be travelling alongside veteran driver Glyn.

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'He looked more like a coach driver than was humanly possible.

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'When he started driving,

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'Jesus was still turning water into Sunny Delight.'

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Everything is self-explanatory in the toilet. Those buttons...

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Self-explanatory toilet!

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Oh, that's nice, Glyn!

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That is nice, that is. This is the business, this one, is it?

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That's pretty sharp, that one.

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When you sit in the courier's seat, it is not so comfortable.

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-Is that my seat down there?

-That's your seat down there.

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-HE LAUGHS

-That's it, is it?

-That's it! Yeah!

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And after a hard day's tour guiding, I'll switch off and relax. Ohhh.

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-That's much better.

-That's better.

-Unless you want to swap over.

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I don't mind doing it. I detest driving, I hate driving, so...

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-You hate driving?!

-HE LAUGHS

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-What sort of driver are you if you hate driving?!

-I'm serious.

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I detest driving.

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-Glyn, can I ask you a question?

-Certainly.

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Do you ever feel like you're in the wrong job?

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HE LAUGHS Hmmmmm.

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I've got a full itinerary. Every day is mapped out for me.

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Get up at this time, then breakfast, then get the luggage on-board.

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Everything is boom, boom, boom. This time, that time.

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I'm going to be responsible for getting all of us

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into those places at the right time. That's a bit of a worry, isn't it?

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'A few days later, at the crack of dawn,

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'I waited with a suitcase full of Werther's Originals

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'and an air rifle.

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'I looked like a bellboy, felt like a bell end.

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'It was time to belt up and head for Belgium.'

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I'm in Magor services near Newport. I've had one hour's sleep.

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And that's more training than I've had.

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'With 30 Belgium-hungry silver surfers onboard, I felt

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'as out of place as Robert Mugabe at a Geri Halliwell book signing!'

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-Good morning, all.

-ALL: Good morning.

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I'm Rhod, I'll be your tour guide. Let's go to Antwerp!

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ALL: Yes!

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Oh, Glyn. You're spoiling me.

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'The mobile retirement home sets sail, and like a cow that's

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'been minced and vacuum-packed, I couldn't walk away now.'

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I'll just make a few announcements, ladies and gentlemen.

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There are two or three emergency exits.

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How many are there, Glyn, on this particular coach?

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Every window is an emergency exit.

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Every window is an emergency exit. How do they get out the windows?

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-There are little hammers on the pillars.

-Hammers?

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Then you've got to jump to the floor.

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That's it, ladies and gentlemen, if you do have any problems,

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simply smash the window and jump the 15 feet to safety.

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I will be below with a sheet.

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LAUGHTER

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'Glyn sped to Dover.

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'At the back, it was like Last Of The Summer Wine meets Spring Break.

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'They were on a mission, knocking back the drinks like teenagers.'

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-It IS chocolate now, is it?

-Yeah, chocolate that is, yeah.

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'With the party in full swing behind me, I wasn't sure what to do next.

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'But I had to try and calm them down somehow.

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'I tried some advanced Flemish lessons.'

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'I'll just give you a couple of words that you may find useful.

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-Yes is ja.

-ALL: Ja.

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-No is nee.

-ALL: Nee.

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-Hello is hallo.

-ALL: hallo.

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-And thank you is dank u.

-ALL: Dank u.

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If we do need the toilet,

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the phrase you need is "waar is het toilet"?

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ALL: Waar is het toilet?

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If the situation is more urgent, "waar is het toilet? II hulp nodig."

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Where is the toilet, I need help.

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And once everything is back to normal, don't forget. Dank u.

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Dank u.

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'Gaining in confidence, I threw out some facts about our destination.

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'I tailored it to my audience and they lapped it up.'

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Belgian people are the most avid users of discount coupons

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-in the world.

-Never.

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Belgium produces the greatest variety of bricks in the world.

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Also, for those of you who are interested,

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I wouldn't give me any hassle because if you do,

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I should probably point out that Belgium has legalised euthanasia.

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'As we rolled into Dover,

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'a quick mirror under their noses established no-one was dead yet.

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'Waiting for the ferry,

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'I discovered one of our group was a retired tour guide.

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'I hung on Roy's every word as he blew

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'the lid off some of the industry's best-kept secrets.'

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When you're serving teas, just keep your feet apart, like that.

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-That gives you a little bit of balance. Right?

-Good advice, Roy.

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Good advice. HE LAUGHS

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-Noted. Feet apart for teas and coffees.

-OK.

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-Is that the same for hot chocolate?

-HE LAUGHS

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'Roy's technique for standing up had worked a treat in the car park,

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'and I couldn't wait to try it on the ferry.'

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-Ladies and gentlemen, we can't go any further.

-LAUGHTER

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'On board, I got to know my group better.

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'They were experienced coach trippers

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'and knew exactly what they wanted.

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'Gaynor made it clear that if their demands for entertainment

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'weren't met, she'd suffocate a puppy in her hair.

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'I turned to Glyn for help.' They want bingo.

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-Hmmmmmm.

-They demanded bingo. Gaynor is bingo this, bingo that.

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When is the bingo?

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'The waistcoated crusader and I set off in search of bingo cards,

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'but with France in sight, it looked like that puppy was going to

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'be munching perm, because no-one could help.'

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"Bingo cards, France. Buy."

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Who are you ringing? The National Bingo Helpline?

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I might just buy a pair of sunglasses while I'm here.

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No. Focus, focus.

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'We had docked and I hadn't found any bingo cards.

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'And now I couldn't find the coach either.'

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-It's where you left it.

-You what?

-It's right there where you left it.

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I've forgotten where I left it, though, that's the problem!

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# Why are we waiting? Why are we waiting for Rho-o-od?! #

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-Sorry! I was looking for you lot!

-LAUGHTER

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I was trying to find some bloody bingo!

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LAUGHTER

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'We glided into Europe with Wales's answer to

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'Jenson Button, Glyn I-can't-do- my-waistcoat-buttons-up.

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'The demands of the job and the 4:00am start had done me in.'

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'The Antiques Roadshow rolled into Antwerp,

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'but I'd neglected all of my duties for over an hour.'

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I think I might have dozed off a bit there, did I?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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We've all been waiting for tea!

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You've probably noticed I've been quiet while we've been in Antwerp,

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so as to allow you to enjoy it for yourselves for a while.

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'I was exhausted, but I still had to drop a coachload of pensioners off

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'at a budget hotel.

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'That's not a euphemism for a difficult poo,

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'I literally had to check us all in.'

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That's our list. Here we are.

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Mr and Mrs Jones. That could be anyone, couldn't it, that?

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Jenkins and Cartwright.

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'Checking in 30 Welsh people was never going to be easy.

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'We had fewer surnames than the Nolan sisters.'

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You're in 321, sorry, yes, that's right.

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Are you supposed to be in a twin room, in 239?

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You swapped with this lady. Oh, God, yes, you swapped with her.

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Sod's law, the wrong Williamses

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and the wrong Cartwrights have all gone in each other's rooms,

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so I've basically got an inadvertent wife-swapping situation!

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'I left them to settle into the wrong rooms with the wrong partners

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'and crashed.'

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'Day two was another early start.

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'The historic city of Bruges and a sightseeing extravaganza awaited.

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'I was as nervous as the puppy in Gaynor's handbag

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'because I had to make sure the day ran like clockwork.'

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-Have you seen Rhod this morning?

-No.

-No.

-Have you seen Rhod this morning?

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-No, I haven't seen him.

-We haven't seen him either.

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We've got about five minutes and then we're going.

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Hi, Rhod, it's Huw. We were due to leave at 8:15 AM.

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'Unfortunately, my clock didn't work and I'd overslept.

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'Huw was angrier than a Glaswegian zit.

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'The two Annes weren't happy,

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'the whole day's schedule was now in jeopardy.'

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Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks.

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-Good morning, everyone.

-GROANING

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-I'm very, very, very, very sorry.

-LAUGHTER

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'I was in the doghouse.

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'I needed to get us back on schedule but I knew nothing about Bruges.

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'Our scenic river tour left any minute

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'and I had parked us miles away from any rivers.

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'We shuffled off in search of water like a budget version

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'of the Thriller video.'

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Sorry it's not warmer. My fault, my fault.

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If you'd got up earlier, the sun would be shining!

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Yes, I'm sure it was a lovely day!

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'We were going as fast as we could but between us,

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'we had more walking sticks than a Charlie Chaplin exhibition.

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'We were getting later and later for our river tour.'

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So, if I'd known how long this was going to take,

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-I'd have got up earlier!

-We're picking up the rear.

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-No, you're not even picking up the rear either!

-I can't believe it!

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Come on, riff-raff.

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-Don't be last, try and overtake them now on the way!

-Change up a gear.

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Yes, change up a gear now.

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'Cold, battered and bruised, we finally got to the boats.

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'If I was going to turn this round, I needed to blow their socks off

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'or at least gently remove their support stockings.

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'I had to give them the river tour of a lifetime.'

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The Lake Of Love...

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-The Lake Of Love is a romantic place...

-MICROPHONE WHISTLES

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-A romantic...

-MICROPHONE WHISTLES

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Oh, dear, is that the Palace?

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-Is that the Palace of the thing there?

-No, that's a hospital.

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Oh, that's a hospital.

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'My scenic river tour was partially hampered by my not knowing

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'anything about Bruges.' Nothing to say about this bridge whatsoever.

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-17th-century.

-Oh, 17th-century almshouses on the left

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-for the poor.

-They're still used for them now.

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They're still used for the poor.

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Which make me feel a little bit insensitive

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announcing that over a tannoy outside their house.

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And on our left, some of the poor people, still happy.

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It doesn't cost anything to smile. Look at that.

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'Bags of kittens have had more enjoyable river tours,

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'but things were about to get worse.

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'I'd booked lunch on the other side of town

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'and we trundled off again.'

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If you throw a coin into the Lake Of Love,

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your wish will come true, ladies and gentlemen.

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Why don't you throw him in it?!

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'Molly had a point. I was letting everyone down.

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'Like a deputy headmaster who's gone into school in a negligee

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'and pop socks, I knew I had to change.

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'With more sightseeing laid on after lunch, I had an idea.'

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I'm not pointing the finger, I'm not mentioning any names,

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but as a group, we are quite slow.

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LAUGHTER

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I've got to offer, suggest that those who would like it,

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take a taxi to the next venue.

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'I'd finally done something right. My taxis were snapped up.

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'I'd showed I was thinking about them

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'and the mood improved immediately.'

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Oh, hi, can I get some taxis for nine people, please?

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I have quite a sense of achievement.

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All I've done is order two taxis in Belgium. Still!

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'I loaded the taxis and ran on ahead with my PILFs.

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Pensioners I'd Learnt Were Fast!

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Our next stop was avant-garde chocolate nut job,

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Dominique Persoone, the Salvador Dali of the chocolate world.

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-I'm the man, I am Rhod, hello.

-Hello, Dominique, nice to meet you.

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-Hi, thanks for making time for us.

-Oh, no problem.

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-We're all looking forward to this.

-OK, good. Want to go upstairs?

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-Right, yeah.

-LAUGHTER

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-Talk amongst yourselves.

-LAUGHTER

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Welcome, this is the test kitchen of our chocolate client team.

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And I have all kinky spices that is not allowed to get

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near our big production,

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so, that is why we have this test kitchen here.

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Having catered for the Rolling Stones, Dominique had

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-invented some interesting ways of taking chocolate.

-One, two, three.

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HE SNIFFS

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-That's inside?

-LAUGHTER

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-Let's have another go!

-LAUGHTER

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HE INHALES

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Who else wants to have their brain turned with chocolate?

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'The morning had been a disaster. I knew this was make or break.'

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Feel your brain turning with chocolate?

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'But minutes later,

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'we were mainlining chocolates like the Milky Bar kid in a crack den.

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'We'd totally forgotten the rubbish morning we'd had.

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-Very dark lips.

-LAUGHTER

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HE SNIFFS

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LAUGHTER

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-Yeah.

-Yeah?

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'We were all off our Snickers.

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'Twixes farts, but we'd bonded in the chocolate asylum.'

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You all right?

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All right, pair of Annes! Here they come. A right Anne-ful.

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Look at them, Jenkins and Cartwright,

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always at the bloody back. Come on! It's like Grange Hill with you two!

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Always something going on! Always somebody causing trouble!

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'George Michael may have been careless with his Wispa,

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'but even he never rammed it up his nose.

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'Heading back to Antwerp on the coach,

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'my brain had been properly Curlywurlied!'

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Apparently in the old days,

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they used to lob live cats as far as you could as a kind

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of game, well they still do, but nowadays they use dead cats.

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-In the old days, they used to...

-Stuffed cats, not dead ones!

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-Oh, they use stunt cats!

-Stuffed!

-Stuffed!

-Oh, stuffed cats!

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-I've got no teeth, have I?!

-That's disgusting.

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They don't use DEAD cats.

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Nowadays they use stuffed cats, not dead cats!

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Although stuffed cats are usually dead, in my opinion.

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I think today has been a game of two halves.

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Some highlights and some lowlights, I think.

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A lowlight for everyone was me failing to turn up this morning.

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The atmosphere was distinctly frosty.

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Lunchtime, the sun came out, in many ways.

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I think we've all been a lot happier since.

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'The group flaked out at the hotel to nurse their come-downs.

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'Tomorrow was another busy day,

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'because I'd be showing the group around Antwerp.

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'But I knew less about Antwerp than I did about Bruges,

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'and headed onto the streets to immerse myself in the local scene.'

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-Are you guys from Antwerp?

-We're German.

-You're German.

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-Have a nice day.

-I am not from Antwerp.

-You're not from Antwerp.

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-You're not from Antwerp.

-No.

-Are you guys from Antwerp?

-No.

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You're not either.

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Nobody is from Antwerp! Are you guys from Antwerp? No.

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-I don't think anybody lives in

-(BLEEP)

-Antwerp.

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'After two hours, it was hopeless.

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'I wasn't just flogging a dead horse,

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'I was shooting its remains out of a cannon.

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'I went to bed with my guidebook.

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'Next morning, I did a few lines of Toblerone and mainlined

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'a Bounty before rushing downstairs to help with breakfast.

0:14:430:14:46

'Like a good tour guide, I was now attending to my group's every whim.'

0:14:460:14:50

Because of this uniform, everyone from Denmark,

0:14:500:14:52

from Germany is just coming over and pointing at things going,

0:14:520:14:55

"bread, why is there no bread? Where is the bread?!"

0:14:550:14:59

-You look like the waiter.

-No, he looks like the manager!

0:14:590:15:01

All right, the manager.

0:15:010:15:02

-How come you still manage to look like a bus driver?

-No teeth!

0:15:020:15:06

HE SPEAKS IN HIS OWN LANGUAGE

0:15:070:15:10

Probably.

0:15:100:15:11

Very probably. BBC, yes.

0:15:110:15:14

-BBC.

-England?

0:15:140:15:15

Yeah.

0:15:150:15:16

Ned?

0:15:190:15:21

Grandstand?

0:15:230:15:24

Des Lynam?

0:15:240:15:26

-No.

-Nick?

0:15:260:15:28

-Denmark.

-Oh, Denmark!

0:15:280:15:31

I wasn't the only one who had been smoking Caramac that morning.

0:15:310:15:34

-Oh, I see. OK.

-Very good for you.

0:15:340:15:37

-Very good. I will try it.

-OK.

-Thank you.

0:15:370:15:40

It's good.

0:15:440:15:46

I know what it looks like.

0:15:460:15:48

CHEERING

0:15:500:15:52

On time!

0:15:520:15:54

Of course I'm on time. I'm always on time.

0:15:540:15:57

Roy, you hold the traffic at bay there.

0:15:570:16:01

He's got a spring in his step today.

0:16:010:16:04

He's not usually the pacemaker, but look at him go!

0:16:040:16:06

All right, Cartwright, Jenkins. Everyone all right?

0:16:060:16:09

I've learnt from my mistakes yesterday.

0:16:090:16:11

I still don't know what I'm doing, but I'm going to give it a good go.

0:16:110:16:14

A damn good go.

0:16:140:16:15

'Yesterday's unplanned walkabouts had left us

0:16:150:16:17

'with more dodgy legs than a KFC Party Bucket,

0:16:170:16:20

'so I'd blagged us a tram to get to our first port of call.'

0:16:200:16:23

CHEERING

0:16:230:16:25

'I'd been up all night revising and it had paid off.

0:16:250:16:27

'I now knew everything about this historic city.'

0:16:270:16:30

-What is that?

-What is that? It's a tree.

0:16:300:16:33

-No, look at it!

-How many flags are hung?

0:16:330:16:36

How many flags are hanging up there?

0:16:360:16:38

Just count them!

0:16:380:16:41

-I'd like that for my garden.

-You'd like that in your garden?

0:16:420:16:45

Molly, if you shut up for three seconds,

0:16:450:16:48

you'll see some beautiful architecture around here.

0:16:480:16:50

'I had to get us to a cultural museum and, like the spots

0:16:500:16:53

'on Peter Stringfellow's backside, I was all over it.'

0:16:530:16:56

I do know that on the top, there's panoramic views of the city.

0:16:560:17:01

And I've also arranged lifts and escalators.

0:17:010:17:04

ALL: Oh!

0:17:040:17:05

Lifts for those with mobility problems,

0:17:050:17:08

escalators for Cartwright and Jenkins.

0:17:080:17:10

LAUGHTER

0:17:100:17:11

Who, as we know, just have motivational difficulties.

0:17:110:17:14

LAUGHTER

0:17:140:17:15

There are giant games of Snakes and Ladders!

0:17:150:17:19

Says to keep the kids entertained,

0:17:190:17:21

but nothing of bingo games.

0:17:210:17:24

'While they raided the museum for features for Molly's garden,

0:17:240:17:27

'I organised lunch. I pulled off a real coup and landed us

0:17:270:17:30

'an exotic Belgian speciality called frites.'

0:17:300:17:33

Right, how many chips have we got?

0:17:340:17:38

Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten...

0:17:380:17:40

16. Seven with tomato sauce. Mayo?

0:17:400:17:42

One, two, three, four... five.

0:17:420:17:44

Seven and five is 12, add three is 15.

0:17:440:17:47

Somebody hasn't specified.

0:17:470:17:48

Hands up for chicken things!

0:17:480:17:51

Fish!

0:17:510:17:52

One, two, three, four, five.

0:17:520:17:55

Six, seven.

0:17:550:17:57

That's 15 people.

0:17:570:17:58

Hands up for fish! Fish!

0:17:580:18:00

Chicken things!

0:18:000:18:02

That's 15 people. We're one bloody short!

0:18:020:18:05

But I'm only having chips.

0:18:050:18:06

LAUGHTER

0:18:060:18:09

You said put your hands up for fish and sausage.

0:18:110:18:15

I don't want it.

0:18:150:18:16

HE LAUGHS

0:18:160:18:17

You, Roy, are a dickhead!

0:18:170:18:19

LAUGHTER

0:18:190:18:21

'I was doing so well, Roy the former tour guide didn't like it.

0:18:210:18:24

'Feeling threatened, he was determined to sabotage my efforts.

0:18:240:18:26

'I needed to remind him who was boss on this trip.

0:18:260:18:29

'Molly's bragging gave me an idea.'

0:18:290:18:31

When I go on the Harrods trip around London...

0:18:310:18:35

Stop namedropping.

0:18:350:18:37

He holds a walking stick up.

0:18:370:18:39

Does he? That is good enough for me.

0:18:390:18:41

I'm looking for something that will mark me out

0:18:410:18:44

in a distinguished manner as a tour guide.

0:18:440:18:46

'It didn't take long to find the perfect accessory.

0:18:470:18:50

'My new eagle gave me instant gravitas and authority.

0:18:500:18:53

'Other tour guides would bow before me.

0:18:530:18:55

'Any more lip from Roy, and he'd be picking beak out of his ass for a week.

0:18:550:18:58

'Although, rounding my group up for our next visit,

0:18:580:19:01

'not everyone was afraid of it as I'd hoped.'

0:19:010:19:03

Who's that? Jenkins and Cartwright!

0:19:030:19:05

LAUGHTER

0:19:050:19:07

Come here!

0:19:070:19:08

It's like having two little naughty kids, it is.

0:19:080:19:13

-Look at the cocks.

-Look how they spell Cockx?

-Luis' Cockx.

0:19:140:19:18

Luis' cock.

0:19:180:19:19

We're on a cultural tour of Antwerp.

0:19:190:19:22

This is so typically Welsh valleys.

0:19:220:19:23

"Look how they spell cocks, lads!"

0:19:230:19:25

LAUGHTER

0:19:250:19:27

What do you think?

0:19:270:19:29

CHEERING

0:19:290:19:30

Oh, my gosh, I don't think I trust you with that!

0:19:300:19:32

I better take care of it!

0:19:320:19:34

It's a beauty, though, isn't it? Give that a go, Warren.

0:19:340:19:36

Give that one a try. You're a stick expert.

0:19:360:19:39

It is meant to give me gravitas as a tour guide,

0:19:390:19:41

but, also, just to instil a bit of fear, as well.

0:19:410:19:45

You two...

0:19:460:19:48

LAUGHTER

0:19:480:19:49

-You be very, very careful.

-Yes, boss.

0:19:490:19:52

'Our next visit was a local booze-tasting.

0:19:520:19:54

'If we were going to make it on time, I needed to get

0:19:540:19:56

'people into taxis, but my lucky eagle wasn't having the desired effect.'

0:19:560:20:00

Do you have any taxis available for eight people now, please?

0:20:000:20:03

-'I have no cars free on this moment.'

-You have no cars free now?

0:20:030:20:07

I've tried that one, I've tried two others.

0:20:070:20:09

I'm going to go in here and see if I can take a taxi number.

0:20:090:20:11

Huw, can I deputise and put you in charge of the walkers?

0:20:110:20:15

The racing pensioners, if you can get them back to the coach park,

0:20:150:20:18

I'll look after the injured and the dying.

0:20:180:20:21

We've got to be at the gin tasting at 3.15, it's a 20-minute drive

0:20:210:20:25

and we are 15, 20 minutes away from the coach.

0:20:250:20:27

So, we are...

0:20:270:20:28

We're in Gillian McKeith's house without a paddle.

0:20:300:20:32

'Huw set off with a fuel-injected pelt, but,

0:20:320:20:35

'when the taxis came for the rest of us,

0:20:350:20:36

'there were more bums than seats.'

0:20:360:20:38

Don't worry about me. I'll find my own way now.

0:20:380:20:41

Give us a lift, mate.

0:20:450:20:47

The worst thing is, they're all going to blame me and go,

0:20:480:20:51

"Wey, there he is."

0:20:510:20:52

All right?

0:20:520:20:54

ALL: Wey-hey!

0:20:540:20:56

LAUGHTER

0:20:560:20:57

Don't you "Hooray" me.

0:20:570:20:58

LAUGHTER

0:20:580:21:00

You will feel my eagle.

0:21:000:21:01

We're ten minutes late.

0:21:010:21:03

I'm not sure that they'll let us in to the Elixir d'Anvers,

0:21:030:21:06

which is the famous herb liquor.

0:21:060:21:08

We've got a tasting organised, but, apparently, they are, well,

0:21:080:21:12

ball-breakers, for want of a better word, when it comes to timing.

0:21:120:21:16

'We were already running very late and now we were lost.'

0:21:160:21:20

-132.

-Is that the one?

-Is that it?

0:21:220:21:26

We were just wondering, can we check the address we've got for you, cos the sat nav in

0:21:260:21:30

our coach is taking us somewhere

0:21:300:21:32

and we don't think we're in the right place.

0:21:320:21:34

132, we're looking for. 132, ladies and gentlemen!

0:21:340:21:37

-37.

-54!

0:21:370:21:39

-Number 80 on your right.

-80 on the right.

0:21:390:21:41

'We needed to find the place fast,

0:21:410:21:43

'because, as we shouted the house numbers, Gaynor got very twitchy.'

0:21:430:21:46

-Rhod!

-Yes?

-Bingo only goes 1 to 90.

0:21:460:21:49

We're just looking for number 132, Gaynor, the bingo hasn't started!

0:21:490:21:52

-61.

-Welcome.

-Hi, thank you very much.

0:21:520:21:54

-We're very sorry.

-You're the tour operator?

0:21:540:21:56

I'm the tour operator. I'm very, very sorry we're late.

0:21:560:21:59

We had a few taxi issues, a few mobility issues.

0:21:590:22:01

But we are here now and we are absolutely gasping

0:22:010:22:04

for some of your life-enhancing elixir.

0:22:040:22:07

'My charm offensive had patched things up and saved the tour,

0:22:070:22:09

'but, minutes later, my grovelling good work

0:22:090:22:12

'was almost undone by the Grange Hill twins.'

0:22:120:22:14

I think you call it in England a cure or die remedy.

0:22:140:22:18

A household remedy.

0:22:180:22:20

PHONE RINGS

0:22:200:22:21

Not only date from 1894...

0:22:210:22:23

Just one moment.

0:22:230:22:25

PHONE RINGS

0:22:250:22:26

LAUGHTER

0:22:260:22:28

-Jenkins?

-Not me.

-Cartwright?

0:22:280:22:31

We've had a lot of trouble with these two. Had to be you, didn't it?

0:22:310:22:35

And the beginning is, of course, the inventor of this liquor

0:22:350:22:38

and it was such a success...

0:22:380:22:40

PHONE RINGS

0:22:400:22:42

..at the first distillery...

0:22:420:22:43

Switch it off.

0:22:430:22:45

Jenkins, Cartwright. See me on the coach after this.

0:22:450:22:48

Now, already, after the First World War,

0:22:510:22:54

Francois-Xavier retired at a young age in 1922...

0:22:540:22:59

PHONE RINGS ..and he left the management...

0:22:590:23:03

Right, you two, out!

0:23:030:23:05

LAUGHTER

0:23:050:23:08

That's it.

0:23:080:23:09

Final warning.

0:23:090:23:11

And you! Go on!

0:23:110:23:14

'As we headed out for our last night in Antwerp, I felt

0:23:160:23:19

'totally at home with this fantastic group.'

0:23:190:23:22

Central Station, ladies and gentlemen, up ahead!

0:23:220:23:25

What year was it built?

0:23:260:23:27

1565.

0:23:270:23:30

'We celebrated together, but I still had to get them home

0:23:320:23:35

'and there was a bingo-shaped shadow hanging over me.

0:23:350:23:38

'I'd heard barking from Gaynor's room in Antwerp and I knew

0:23:380:23:41

'if we didn't play bingo on the way home, that puppy was a goner.

0:23:410:23:44

'Next morning, as we headed back to Calais, I tried to distract

0:23:440:23:47

'the group with other games.'

0:23:470:23:49

Are you male or female?

0:23:490:23:51

You can't ask me about male or female,

0:23:510:23:53

it's got to be a yes or no answer.

0:23:530:23:54

-Oh, right. Are you male?

-Yes.

0:23:540:23:56

Are you a pop singer?

0:23:560:23:59

-What?

-Are you a pop singer?

0:23:590:24:02

It's Guess Who!

0:24:020:24:03

LAUGHTER

0:24:030:24:05

I don't know what their bloody jobs are, I've just got a picture of their face!

0:24:050:24:08

LAUGHTER

0:24:080:24:10

I spy with my little eye...

0:24:100:24:14

Let's have a look around here...

0:24:140:24:17

Don't worry, I'm not looking up your skirt, Anne!

0:24:170:24:19

LAUGHTER

0:24:190:24:21

I'll choose something we can all see.

0:24:210:24:23

LAUGHTER

0:24:230:24:26

It wouldn't be fair on the others.

0:24:280:24:31

'I was feeling really guilty that I hadn't sorted the bingo out for Gaynor.

0:24:310:24:34

'I knew it was important that she had a turn at I Spy.'

0:24:340:24:37

I spy with my little eye something beginning with R-S,

0:24:370:24:40

and it's outside.

0:24:400:24:41

-Road sign.

-Aww!

0:24:410:24:44

Yeah!

0:24:440:24:46

'But, when we got to Calais, I spied with my little eye someone

0:24:470:24:50

'beginning with G, and she still wasn't happy. Guess who?'

0:24:500:24:53

I've got to tell you, now.

0:24:530:24:55

We've been out three days, today we're going home, our fourth day.

0:24:550:24:58

-And we still haven't had a game of bingo.

-No, I know.

0:24:580:25:01

-I asked you the first morning.

-I know you did.

0:25:010:25:03

I take it you haven't got any books yet, then?

0:25:030:25:05

Not yet.

0:25:050:25:07

I've still got 20 minutes.

0:25:070:25:09

"We've never had a trip without bingo!"

0:25:090:25:12

I've promised them it and I'm going to get it.

0:25:120:25:14

This is the problem I've got. "Le magasin sera ferme le 1 mai."

0:25:140:25:18

This shop will be closed 1 May. It is bank holiday.

0:25:180:25:21

I've got 20 minutes in Calais to find bloody bingo.

0:25:210:25:25

Bonjour!

0:25:250:25:27

Vous connaissez le jeu bingo?

0:25:270:25:30

Bingo? Merde!

0:25:300:25:32

LAUGHTER

0:25:320:25:33

Je cherche les cartes pour le bingo.

0:25:330:25:37

-Au tabac.

-Au tabac? Ah, oui?

0:25:370:25:39

'It looked like the puppy was going to live to see another day.

0:25:390:25:43

'I'd found some bingo.'

0:25:430:25:44

It's a scratchcard bingo.

0:25:460:25:48

Two euros a pop, but somebody could win 10,000 euros.

0:25:480:25:53

Six, sept, huit, neuf, dix...

0:25:530:25:56

No doubt about it...

0:25:560:25:59

our lucky eagle is paying dividends.

0:25:590:26:03

'On the ferry home, I headed triumphantly for Gaynor, bingo cards in hand.'

0:26:030:26:07

I have sorted. The bingo is sorted.

0:26:070:26:09

That's not bingo.

0:26:090:26:11

SHE LAUGHS

0:26:110:26:12

What is your bingo, then?

0:26:120:26:14

You've got a book of six, numbers 1 to 90,

0:26:140:26:17

you call the numbers out, we marked them off.

0:26:170:26:20

Right.

0:26:220:26:24

She wants proper, full-on, Mecca bloody bingo, doesn't she?

0:26:240:26:28

She wants bingo hall, Vegas bingo, that's what she wants!

0:26:280:26:32

'In desperation, I had one last hunt.

0:26:320:26:35

'I was about to give up when - snap!

0:26:350:26:36

'I mean - bingo!'

0:26:360:26:39

Magnetic games for travel. Magnetic bingo.

0:26:390:26:42

That's going to keep one pensioner very happy, that.

0:26:440:26:47

-She's been going crazy.

-Really?

0:26:470:26:49

Almost did a dirty protest on the bus.

0:26:490:26:51

SHE LAUGHS

0:26:510:26:52

'The ferry was docking.

0:26:530:26:55

'I couldn't wait to show Gaynor what I'd found,

0:26:550:26:57

'but I'd lost two of my group.

0:26:570:26:58

'No prizes for guessing who.'

0:26:580:27:00

Jenkins, Cartwright! Come on!

0:27:030:27:05

GRANGE HILL THEME PLAYS

0:27:060:27:10

'It was the last leg of the journey, and as I handed out the bingo,

0:27:140:27:17

'I felt like I'd become a half-decent tour guide.

0:27:170:27:21

28 brown. 28 across is our top speed in miles an hour.

0:27:210:27:26

-Six yellow.

-Bingo!

0:27:260:27:29

CHEERING

0:27:290:27:30

'But, as we played, I realised I'd made a terrible mistake.

0:27:300:27:33

'My travel bingo was designed for two players

0:27:330:27:35

'and half of them had the same numbers.'

0:27:350:27:37

Bingo is just so stressful.

0:27:370:27:38

So stressful.

0:27:380:27:40

'As Glyn-no-buttons brought us safely home,

0:27:440:27:47

'I'd enjoyed myself immensely and hoped my new friends had too.'

0:27:470:27:50

Thank you very, very, very much for having me.

0:27:500:27:53

It's been a very strange experience for me.

0:27:530:27:55

In some ways, it totally fits my personality,

0:27:550:27:57

and in some ways it doesn't.

0:27:570:27:59

The thing in this job is you have to put yourself last

0:27:590:28:02

and look after every other single person before yourself and that's what Huw,

0:28:020:28:05

I guess, and people that do this job do, is put themselves last.

0:28:050:28:09

And that doesn't come naturally to me.

0:28:090:28:11

LAUGHTER

0:28:110:28:12

But I've thoroughly enjoyed it, so thanks very much.

0:28:120:28:15

It's been a privilege to, hopefully, look after you all reasonably well.

0:28:150:28:18

Nobody's dead. We're all here, aren't we?

0:28:180:28:20

We're all back and I consider that a success!

0:28:200:28:22

So thank you very, very much ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

0:28:220:28:25

I said to you on Sunday going out,

0:28:290:28:32

I said, I gave you a bit of advice,

0:28:320:28:34

"Keep the people happy." And that's exactly what you did.

0:28:340:28:38

You had me crying this morning. Oh, I was in tears. Brilliant.

0:28:380:28:42

-In a good way?

-Absolutely brilliant. You make a good guide.

0:28:420:28:47

Thank you very, very much.

0:28:470:28:48

That is one lovely, lovely community and I've absolutely loved it.

0:28:480:28:52

I had a little tear in my eye.

0:28:520:28:55

I'm probably overtired.

0:28:550:28:56

Just need to go home.

0:28:560:28:58

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:060:29:09

Rhod's going on tour again, but this time with a coach load of Welsh pensioners. He's been recruited to run a trip to Antwerp and Bruges - but the closest he's come to giving a guided tour is showing a builder to the toilet in his flat. Rhod's stand-up routine is of no help when faced with a list of interesting facts about Belgium. Just getting up in the morning is a major challenge, never mind getting everyone to a factory on time to snort chocolate. Will this be the worst guided tour since King Kong's New York sightseeing extravaganza?


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