A Shock Roger and Val Have Just Got In


A Shock

Sitcom following the lives of a couple during their first half-hour home from work. Roger and Val get back from a wedding to find two important notes.


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Transcript


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You see, people respect you, Val.

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You can walk into a staff room and yes, yeah,

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Peter might laugh at food tech but nobody laughs at you.

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Where I see injustice, I will speak.

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Roger, you work in the Winter Gardens, there is no injustice.

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This is the second row I've had tonight about fish fingers.

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Well, it's obviously not about fish fingers.

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They're merely a symptom of my malaise.

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You should be wise about life because the biggest thing

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in life has happened to you - your baby died.

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I still feel I'm his Mum! Mummy!

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And you don't feel like you're someone's dad.

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So what? No I don't, I admit it.

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I was someone's dad for five and a half weeks.

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How did it go?

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Oh, very well indeed, very well. Couldn't have gone better.

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I was legally astute and stung like a bee.

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-I've been sacked.

-What?

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Yes, I've been sacked.

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So much for the tough guy act.

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I thought about a tribunal, Val, but I really don't think I can face it.

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You? Roger Stevenson?

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You should have prayed all your life to be sacked

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because this will be your finest hour.

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You'll be brilliant.

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It's not what you say, it's how you say it, Val.

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Oh, I see,

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so I'm gagged from speaking about anything to do with personal hygiene.

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I needed it quickly. I woke up desperate.

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Well, all I'm saying is that I would like to have had a bath in the hotel

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with all the lovely free stuff.

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Val, I had no clothes on. There you go.

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I'm first this time.

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I had no clothes on, I'd had a lot to drink the night before.

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That made it worse.

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No, it made it impossible for me to use the reception toilet.

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Oh, please, feel free to use your own toilet.

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You could have had a bath.

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I couldn't! It was an extremely inefficient extractor fan.

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I said if you use the bubble bath,

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it would have risen up and killed the smell.

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Those places never provide you with any bleach,

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which is what I do at home.

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I don't mind at home.

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Which is why we get through bottles of bleach very quickly.

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We've got a window at home.

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Oh, I'm not taking this, I'm not.

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In a hotel I like, as a woman,

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to go in there and use all the lovely stuff.

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This morning, that was taken away from me.

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Val, I've said nothing about your behaviour, gasping for air,

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"Ooh, have you been to the toilet? Ooh, close the door, oh".

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Oh, all this over one single sentence,

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"I wish I could have had a bath".

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-Don't turn the lamp on!

-No lamp.

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No, sorry, Roger, I don't mean to be horrible,

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it's just I feel very...

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..it's the depression of the unpacking

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and the bleakness of the house.

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Yeah.

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Until we're done, I'd prefer it that we kept it as bleak as possible.

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No, no, Val, not on a Sunday night,

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not after I've been hauled up for human functions.

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Oh, come on now, come on.

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Because, look, when we're all unpacked, it'll be transformed.

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The lights will be on, the curtains will be drawn

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and then we'll be home, nothing more to do.

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Well, you'll be glad to know the heating hasn't come on as well then.

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Well, since we're going ahead with bleak,

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I'm turning the fire on in the sitting room.

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Bleak.

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Uh, I'm cold, I've got a slight headache over one eye,

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I've even got jaw ache from eating all of these wine gums.

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Oh, don't, Roger, otherwise I will just sit down.

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Sorry.

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Good. Bleak.

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Yeah.

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See? Dreadful.

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I don't want to sit down or not unpack at all, do you see?

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And then it's straight up the cold stairs in my coat.

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-It's going to be awful.

-Yeah.

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Grim, and then it won't be,

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because when the lamps are on we've unpacked, haven't we?

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And we can sit down.

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Can't even begin to think about that.

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That should be on now, is that better?

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Mmm. Oh, yeah.

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-Oh, thank you, Val.

-Hey!

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Ha ha!

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'Don't stop me, don't stop me, don't stop me' eh, Val?

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Last night did you a load of good didn't it, Rog?

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Because I was "having a good time, having a good time".

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Every song that came on, it was like, "ah, yeah, this one!"

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That one in particular but can you understand why, Val?

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Yeah, because it could have been written for you, Rog.

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Yes, yes, it could!

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And I was thinking Val,

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"I'm a shooting start leaping through the sky like a tiger

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"defying Phil Hewlett at the tribunal!"

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Well, you can tell where my... what I was thinking there.

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Yeah, yeah. Well, I knew that really, from the sprint.

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Yeah.

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What, what sprint, love?

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Well, you did a sprint, Roger,

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an actual sprint four times very fast round the dance floor.

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But it was the sprint of a man who will win his tribunal.

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That's what I saw.

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I, I was OK, wasn't I? With the dancing?

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Yeah.

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That, that was true even for "Eye of the Tiger", wasn't it?

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Well, that was when you did the sprint.

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But, er, yeah.

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Oh.

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Buzz, buzz, buzz, sacked, sacked, sacked, that's all I heard.

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No, you didn't, Roger, because you're never off the dance floor

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and as well as that, nobody said it.

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-I'm getting far too comfortable now.

-Mmm.

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I am pulling myself away from here... now.

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Can you have a cup of tea in the bleak regime?

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Yes, so long as I take it straight upstairs.

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-Here, Roger, from Mike.

-What?

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-He asked me to give you this when we got home.

-What is it?

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I don't know.

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He said "I can't give it to him myself, otherwise I'll be in pieces."

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Two Little Boys.

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A message, "Good luck for the tribunal my brother, Mike."

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Aww.

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It's our childhood copy.

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The one my mother used...

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Oh, there's room on his horse for two. Yeah.

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Oh, that's lovely, Roger.

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Well, it's, you know, Rolf Harris doing what he does very well.

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I'm glad they didn't play that last night.

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Well, they never would, Roger.

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No, but that would have tipped me over the edge.

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Why don't men ever put kisses?

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No. Simple words, Val, and a grand gesture.

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I have some sympathy for Mike's hair

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but if you are the father of the bride,

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your own hair should not upstage your daughter.

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No.

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I mean, what actually has happened to his hair, Roger?

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Val, I've said, I don't know.

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Shock, it's got to be.

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It's not just the hair on his head, is it?

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His eyebrows have gone completely white and his eyelashes

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-and probably, you know...

-Val.

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Well, I'm just saying!

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Five weeks ago, his hair was as dark as yours.

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They should have said something.

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Yes, they should,

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because as they were coming up the aisle it wasn't, you know,

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"Oh, lovely, here comes the bride."

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It was, "What on earth has happened to Mike's hair?"

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I don't know. He's not ill.

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No, it's shock.

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Or his hair has come so far down the road in life

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that it simply hurled itself off a cliff.

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But you're right,

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they should have called each one of the guests and told them...

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Actually, it's tricky, isn't it?

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Maybe texted them and said "Mike's hair's gone white overnight."

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"Big changes here, including Mike's hair."

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Yeah.

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Oh, I know what I would have done,

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I'd have got Mike and said, "Come and have your photo taken,"

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and I would have sent a copy of that to each one of the guests

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and written a note on it saying "Proud dad, please look at photo".

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Brilliant.

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That's how I'd have handled it.

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Or, "Proud dad and daughter, please look."

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Yes, that's better, actually.

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Superb, Val.

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That is clever.

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Because it doesn't face it head on but it does deal with it.

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Actually, Rog, can you move this Sunday paper?

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It's like 15 other people coming into the house,

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all jibber-jabbering at me, all vying for my attention.

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-Rog.

-Oh, yeah.

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Where's my glasses?

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Oh. Right, rubbish, rubbish.

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Roger!

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It's the deputy headship letter.

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Right.

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Val, I'm calm,

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I am confident

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and I'm right behind you.

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And I am ice cool.

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I am.

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Don't care either way.

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Yeah.

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Oh, Jesus.

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Oh God, what does it say?

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Right, right.

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I've got an interview.

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Oh, Val, congratulations.

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Oh, I've got to sit down.

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Oh I've been shortlisted, I'm on a shortlist, Roger.

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Oh, oh, oh, Val, let's see.

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-"We are delighted ..

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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"Shortlisted for an interview," oh, Val, I'm over the moon.

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Oh, why couldn't we have known about this last night?

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I mean, that's come after we've left, hasn't it?

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That has been sitting on the mat all the time we've been at that hotel.

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If we'd known, last night we'd have been a couple on the up.

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Yeah! Whoa, oh yeah.

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And look at us, everyone - Roger's fighting unfair dismissal

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and I'm on a shortlist for a Deputy Headship.

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Woo! Look at us!

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You know what song I would have got on...

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# I shot the Sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy #

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No, Roger, please don't tempt my fate for me.

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-Right, then, I wouldn't have.

-Not that.

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I would have chosen...

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# Come on Eileen! #

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Something like that, that would have been better.

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This is great news, isn't it?

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Ah.

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Oh.

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The tactical mistake we've made, you know what it was?

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We've stopped at a Little Chef at half past five.

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-I know.

-Oh.

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You're lulled into it. Grey road, it's raining.

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-What a night we could now have had.

-Don't, Val.

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I'm massively out of kilter, are you?

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Roger, 20 quid a head for the hotel breakfast?

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Mmm, really annoying,

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then another 35 at the Little Chef. I didn't even want that burger.

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Jesus, I'm behaving like a person in full-time employment.

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Mmm, worst by far was the hotel breakfast.

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I mean, hindsight is a wonderful thing

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but what we could have done there is been clever.

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You should have said "My wife will have nothing, thank you,

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-"and I will have the full works for one."

-Yeah.

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There was a mug in the bedroom.

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I'd have been happy to use that for my coffee. And a plate.

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I'd have the mug, you could have the official stuff.

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Why did we own up?

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-40 quid for breakfast, Val.

-Oh.

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I only wanted to stop at Little Chef because I thought,

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"Oh come, on come on, it's the last weekend before the tribunal,

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"go for it."

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How was your open chicken sandwich?

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It was all right.

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You see, my burger was mediocre.

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You know, even with the good news,

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I don't think I can eat anything else at all tonight, can you?

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No, definitely not.

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The only... only thing I might fancy, maybe...

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is a curry.

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See, but that would have to be at ten o'clock.

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Then there's no way because that would be another £17.

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Val?

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I can't believe this.

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-Well, it takes a while to sink in good news.

-Yeah.

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-Val, Val, Val?

-Yeah?

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Sod the unpacking.

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No, Roger, no. Bring your tea with you - come on, upstairs.

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20 minutes and we'll be done.

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We can really enjoy it then, you know, put the lamps on, pull the curtains.

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He was a nice bloke, Val, the Hebridean vet.

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Yeah. Don't forget the hangers, Roger.

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And his wife was.

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Did you meet her?

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She has never cut her hair in her life.

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She said to me, "I've never cut my hair in my life."

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-On the bed?

-Yeah, for now.

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She said where they live,

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the whole village would come out and follow the bride.

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She said "We're not used to this, people in hotels."

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It was quite hard, Val, for me to go to the wedding.

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What you saw last night was more than a bit of bravado.

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The vet's wife, when you were dancing, she said

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"Who does your husband fight? For he wrestles with more than music."

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You see, if we lived where they live,

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there's no way I would have been sacked.

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Phil and I would sort it out on fiddle night down the pub.

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Mmm, I don't know.

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Oh, she also said, "We have cold winds."

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You see, we'd be known enemies on the island, me and Phil.

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When he died, I'd cry, if I died first, he'd cry.

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Did you tell her the whole saga?

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No, I just told her you'd been unfairly dismissed

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and she said, "The man with the big nose thinks everyone speaks of it."

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Meaning what?

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Uh, well, meaning that your tribunal is your big nose.

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I think.

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It's island wisdom.

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No, I don't know.

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When me and Phil are old...

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Roger!

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If we met on this Scottish island...

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would we not be able to go for a pint and the craic would be good?

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Yes, YOU would. It's Phil that's the problem.

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It was on the tip of my fingers last night to text him

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and say "Come on, Phil, let's sort this out, mate."

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Have you done that?

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-No, I haven't.

-Have you?

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No, I double-checked this morning.

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-Last night, it's the oddest thing, Val.

-Go on.

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When we were dancing, I really wished Phil was there.

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It sounds stupid

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but he would have seen when I was dancing with every fibre of my being

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that I wanted goodness and he'd have said "Roger, come back, mate."

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Yeah, well, that's why they have tribunals, Rog,

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so that you can get things sorted out in an official way

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because you can't do it at a disco.

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How sad.

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Last night I would have grabbed Phil's waist in the conga.

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-I wouldn't.

-Please, Val.

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I'd have done Oops Upside Your Head with Phil.

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I'd have done Hi-ho Silver Lining with him.

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Last night I danced for everyone, last night...

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..I danced for Phil.

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Sorry.

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I was having such a good time when I came up here.

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Oh, Rog.

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It's all right, it's, it's just stress

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because it all kicks off next week.

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Oh, God, it's really hitting me now.

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I hope the car passes its MoT, because if it doesn't,

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I'm going to have to go to the tribunal on my bike.

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Sorry.

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Put this toilet bag in the bathroom, Roger.

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-Right.

-And check that the radiators are working in there.

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Val, I'm really sorry about this.

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You're, you're right it's stress.

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Radiator in here needs bleeding. I'll do it tomorrow.

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You shouldn't even be unpacking.

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You could be downstairs. You've had great news.

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Well, you'll have great news soon, Roger, hopefully.

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I wonder who else has been shortlisted.

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-Well.

-Pam Bagnall.

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-Probably.

-No, definitely.

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Oh, then there's going to be the interview.

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Mmm, wish I haven't thought about actually. I feel a bit sick.

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-No, don't.

-Ooh.

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Because I tell you what you handle superbly, stress.

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Yes, I am a Chinese gymnast. I may bend but I will never break.

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Anyone who gives into stress is weak.

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They'll weed that out. If you're going to crumple, get out.

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Anyone seen Val Stevenson? Oh, she's good.

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Yeah, and you know why that is, Rog, because I'm a cook.

0:16:570:17:00

You should say that in the interview.

0:17:000:17:02

Oh, I don't think the panel would take that very seriously.

0:17:020:17:05

They think anyone can cook a Sunday dinner. Wrong.

0:17:050:17:08

People who can cook it suffer stress.

0:17:080:17:11

Roast potatoes, carrots, timing, gravy.

0:17:110:17:14

-Yes.

-And then everyone expects a pudding, huh!

0:17:140:17:17

Could I be a Deputy Head? Yes.

0:17:170:17:20

Hear, hear.

0:17:200:17:22

Roger.

0:17:220:17:23

Am I tonight how I expected you to look having just had that news?

0:17:230:17:29

Actually, you don't look all that fussed

0:17:300:17:33

but I thought that was the whole bleak unpacking thing.

0:17:330:17:38

It isn't.

0:17:380:17:39

What? Oh, do you want me to ask you some questions?

0:17:390:17:43

No, thank you, no, I don't need anyone's help.

0:17:430:17:46

I've helped myself.

0:17:460:17:48

What's that?

0:18:020:18:03

Don't, don't, don't. It's not what you think.

0:18:030:18:05

In fact, pull the curtains because people can see straight in.

0:18:050:18:08

What is it?

0:18:130:18:15

It helps me,

0:18:150:18:17

now, don't tell anyone about this, right?

0:18:170:18:20

Right.

0:18:200:18:22

When I walk into that room, Roger, I will not be alone.

0:18:220:18:26

I will, in fact, be accompanied by three remarkable women.

0:18:260:18:31

By Martina Navratilova,

0:18:310:18:35

by Hillary Clinton

0:18:350:18:37

and by Margaret that used to be off of The Apprentice.

0:18:370:18:40

I know it looks odd, I know that,

0:18:400:18:42

but it's the only way I can think of to face off Pam Bagnall

0:18:420:18:46

because when I see her in that interview waiting room,

0:18:460:18:49

my legs are going to go from under me.

0:18:490:18:50

Are you taking that?

0:18:500:18:51

No, of course I'm not taking this!

0:18:510:18:54

It's a Deputy Headship interview, Roger.

0:18:540:18:57

No, I just use this on my own in front of the mirror.

0:18:570:19:00

Well, what does it do?

0:19:000:19:02

It's brilliant, look...

0:19:020:19:05

..am I on Martina?

0:19:050:19:07

Yeah, but, how do you know who you're on?

0:19:070:19:10

Because I've got it written on the inside. Mart, Hils, Marg.

0:19:100:19:14

I'm on Martina because I start a set down from Pam Bagnall

0:19:140:19:20

because I'm food tech, she is history.

0:19:200:19:24

I'm food tech, she is history

0:19:240:19:26

and she's banging it back across the court

0:19:260:19:29

and she's smashing it back every time

0:19:290:19:31

and I've got to learn to be aggressive

0:19:310:19:34

and I've got to stay on my toes

0:19:340:19:35

but I've also got to learn, in the breaks,

0:19:350:19:38

to very calmly sit in my seat, with a towel over my head

0:19:380:19:42

and eat half a banana.

0:19:420:19:43

Certainly you do.

0:19:450:19:47

Right, so say to me now, "Food tech is not an academic subject."

0:19:470:19:51

No.

0:19:510:19:52

No, as the interviewer, Roger, come on, it's important.

0:19:520:19:55

Oh, sorry. Food tech is not an academic subject.

0:19:550:20:00

That is a short-sighted statement

0:20:000:20:03

and bears absolutely no relevance to the post of Deputy Head.

0:20:030:20:06

Bam!

0:20:060:20:07

Brilliant.

0:20:070:20:08

See, that is something that Martina herself would face, coming from PE,

0:20:080:20:12

which so often is bracketed with food tech and, and careers.

0:20:120:20:16

Right, ask me something else.

0:20:160:20:18

-Where did you get the pictures from?

-Eh?

0:20:180:20:20

Off the internet, Roger, and I stuck them onto this box.

0:20:200:20:23

Ask me something about, oh, I don't know, discipline.

0:20:230:20:25

-When did you do all this?

-Roger, come on please.

0:20:250:20:28

Sorry. Are you a believer in strict discipline?

0:20:280:20:31

For this, I turn to the gimlet eye of studious dignity

0:20:340:20:38

of Margaret who was on The Apprentice.

0:20:380:20:42

I am the head of food technology,

0:20:420:20:45

I work in a room with 30 kids and hot ovens.

0:20:450:20:48

I think you'll find that my discipline is to the fore.

0:20:480:20:53

Oh, Val.

0:20:530:20:54

You see, what they're expecting is five foot Val from food tech -

0:20:540:20:58

"Oh, have you got room for my cookery basket?"

0:20:580:21:00

but that's not who they're getting.

0:21:000:21:02

This is who they're getting from now on.

0:21:020:21:04

This is who's taking me in, Roger.

0:21:040:21:07

Hillary Clinton.

0:21:070:21:09

Oh, Val. Who better?

0:21:090:21:13

Right, you be the interview panel, OK,

0:21:130:21:16

and when I come in just say "Hello" or something.

0:21:160:21:18

Ready and...

0:21:200:21:21

.. Now.

0:21:230:21:24

Hello.

0:21:240:21:25

Hi.

0:21:250:21:27

You see I'm wearing a mask, not an actual mask,

0:21:270:21:30

but the mask of Hillary's persona

0:21:300:21:32

because a Deputy Headship interview wouldn't even register on her radar.

0:21:320:21:36

-No, she'd be flying off somewhere else after that.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:21:360:21:39

You throw Hillary Clinton into the mix,

0:21:390:21:41

Pam Bagnall doesn't look like such a safe bet.

0:21:410:21:44

-Yeah.

-What I've done, Roger,

0:21:440:21:45

is I have looked to women my own age for help.

0:21:450:21:49

Then what I do at the end is I bring it all together...

0:21:490:21:53

..as me.

0:21:530:21:54

So, I come in. Good afternoon, nice to meet you.

0:21:540:21:58

"I wonder if we could discuss the la le la le or the de dee de dah",

0:22:010:22:05

you know, whatever it is I'm saying.

0:22:050:22:07

Yeah, Val, now that I've got my head around it...

0:22:070:22:10

this is superb.

0:22:100:22:12

Yeah.

0:22:140:22:15

Do you know, I really like Hillary.

0:22:150:22:19

I mean, the other two are very helpful and everything

0:22:190:22:22

but there's something about Hillary,

0:22:220:22:24

I feel I could have a glass of wine with her,

0:22:240:22:27

you know, I think she would sense that she could trust me,

0:22:270:22:30

maybe open up a little bit about Bill.

0:22:300:22:32

Maybe have a little cry, you know,

0:22:320:22:34

I don't know, I just, I just really like her.

0:22:340:22:38

I think she'd say, "Do you know what, Val?

0:22:380:22:41

"You're very lucky with Roger," and I'd say, "I know".

0:22:410:22:44

Hmm. Lamps on in here now?

0:22:530:22:55

Yeah, I think so - we're finished, haven't we?

0:22:550:22:58

I don't have to hide this any more,

0:22:580:23:00

so, um, will it disturb you if I put it on the dressing table?

0:23:000:23:03

I shouldn't think so, no.

0:23:030:23:04

I might have a go, you know, Val, for the tribunal.

0:23:040:23:07

Ooh, really - who would you choose, then?

0:23:070:23:10

Oh... Kinnock, maybe?

0:23:100:23:12

I don't know, I'm so bitterly disappointed in so many people.

0:23:140:23:18

-David Bellamy.

-Mmm.

0:23:180:23:20

-and Bill Bailey.

-Oh, no.

0:23:200:23:22

Can I just ask you, the people at the wedding,

0:23:220:23:24

did they all really think I was going to win the tribunal?

0:23:240:23:28

They didn't know, Roger, because they don't know anything about it.

0:23:280:23:31

We can put the lamps on down here now, ooh, gorgeous.

0:23:310:23:34

No, but in general, when you spoke to them,

0:23:340:23:36

did you get the feeling they thought I'd be successful,

0:23:360:23:39

that I had nothing to worry about?

0:23:390:23:41

Well, it wasn't like that, because how could they know?

0:23:410:23:43

No.

0:23:430:23:44

Well, it doesn't really make any difference.

0:23:440:23:47

I was just looking for a bit of a boost, that's all.

0:23:470:23:49

Oh. It doesn't make any difference, Roger,

0:23:490:23:51

because they don't know anything about it.

0:23:510:23:54

No, exactly. Exactly.

0:23:540:23:56

Don't know if I'm hungry or not now.

0:23:570:24:00

Are you hungry?

0:24:000:24:01

Er, well, I could eat something. Couldn't you?

0:24:010:24:04

Er...

0:24:040:24:05

well, I fell into the seventh circle of hell

0:24:050:24:07

at the Little Chef till with the wine gums,

0:24:070:24:09

so, don't know.

0:24:090:24:11

I hope Mike's hair didn't go white because I got sacked.

0:24:110:24:14

I just thought that.

0:24:140:24:16

No! Don't be so ridiculous, Roger.

0:24:160:24:18

Right. What have I got in here?

0:24:200:24:25

Nothing.

0:24:250:24:26

Oh, I'm so angry with myself, Roger, because I had fish pie in my hand

0:24:260:24:30

on Friday afternoon which I gave to the head because we were going away.

0:24:300:24:35

And that's all we've got left, the mashed potato from that.

0:24:350:24:38

Anything in the freezer?

0:24:380:24:40

Which I could make potato cakes from quite easily.

0:24:400:24:43

Oh, Val, oh, we haven't had those in years.

0:24:430:24:46

Yeah, and they're delicious, all covered with butter.

0:24:460:24:49

Yeah, not since we first got married

0:24:490:24:51

and we were,

0:24:510:24:52

"You could see that that Pierre did truly love the mademoiselle."

0:24:520:24:55

That was another good one last night.

0:24:550:24:57

Right, you're on, Roger, go and sort out the sitting room, come on.

0:24:570:25:01

Yeah.

0:25:010:25:02

I'll put the fire off cos the heating's kicking in.

0:25:020:25:04

Oh, perhaps I might get a bath then.

0:25:040:25:07

I'm just, um, I've, er, I've left something in the car.

0:25:440:25:49

OK.

0:25:490:25:50

What's the matter?

0:26:110:26:12

Nothing.

0:26:120:26:14

Nothing I, I thought I'd left Mike's record in the car but I hadn't.

0:26:140:26:17

Oh.

0:26:170:26:19

I'm going crackers.

0:26:190:26:20

Yes, too long in the car.

0:26:200:26:23

You gave it to me in the house.

0:26:230:26:25

Roger, can you reach that flour down for me, please?

0:26:270:26:30

Rog, the flour.

0:26:390:26:40

Oh, yeah, yeah, hang on.

0:26:400:26:43

-Argh!

-Oh, oh it's gone all over.

0:26:430:26:45

It's all right, I'm all right.

0:26:450:26:47

Are you OK?

0:26:470:26:48

Yeah, yeah, the sodding bag was open.

0:26:480:26:51

-It doesn't hurt, it's flour.

-There's enough left to make the potato cakes.

0:26:510:26:55

Oh I'm sorry Val, I'm all fingers...

0:26:550:26:57

-You look like Mike.

-No.

0:26:570:27:00

Oh, I'll get the Hoover.

0:27:000:27:03

No, no, it's all right, I'll do that.

0:27:030:27:05

Go on, you go and have a shower.

0:27:050:27:07

Try and get as much out as you can before it all turns to dough

0:27:070:27:11

-and sticks to your hair.

-Yeah.

0:27:110:27:13

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:030:28:07

Roger and Val get back from a wedding to find two important notes that will change both their lives.


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