A Shock Roger and Val Have Just Got In

You see, people respect you, Val.

You can walk into a staff room and yes, yeah,

Peter might laugh at food tech but nobody laughs at you.

Where I see injustice, I will speak.

Roger, you work in the Winter Gardens, there is no injustice.

This is the second row I've had tonight about fish fingers.

Well, it's obviously not about fish fingers.

They're merely a symptom of my malaise.

You should be wise about life because the biggest thing

in life has happened to you - your baby died.

I still feel I'm his Mum! Mummy!

And you don't feel like you're someone's dad.

So what? No I don't, I admit it.

I was someone's dad for five and a half weeks.

How did it go?

Oh, very well indeed, very well. Couldn't have gone better.

I was legally astute and stung like a bee.

-I've been sacked.

-What?

Yes, I've been sacked.

So much for the tough guy act.

I thought about a tribunal, Val, but I really don't think I can face it.

You? Roger Stevenson?

You should have prayed all your life to be sacked

because this will be your finest hour.

You'll be brilliant.

It's not what you say, it's how you say it, Val.

Oh, I see,

so I'm gagged from speaking about anything to do with personal hygiene.

I needed it quickly. I woke up desperate.

Well, all I'm saying is that I would like to have had a bath in the hotel

with all the lovely free stuff.

Val, I had no clothes on. There you go.

I'm first this time.

I had no clothes on, I'd had a lot to drink the night before.

That made it worse.

No, it made it impossible for me to use the reception toilet.

Oh, please, feel free to use your own toilet.

You could have had a bath.

I couldn't! It was an extremely inefficient extractor fan.

I said if you use the bubble bath,

it would have risen up and killed the smell.

Those places never provide you with any bleach,

which is what I do at home.

I don't mind at home.

Which is why we get through bottles of bleach very quickly.

We've got a window at home.

Oh, I'm not taking this, I'm not.

In a hotel I like, as a woman,

to go in there and use all the lovely stuff.

This morning, that was taken away from me.

Val, I've said nothing about your behaviour, gasping for air,

"Ooh, have you been to the toilet? Ooh, close the door, oh".

Oh, all this over one single sentence,

"I wish I could have had a bath".

-Don't turn the lamp on!

-No lamp.

No, sorry, Roger, I don't mean to be horrible,

it's just I feel very...

..it's the depression of the unpacking

and the bleakness of the house.

Yeah.

Until we're done, I'd prefer it that we kept it as bleak as possible.

No, no, Val, not on a Sunday night,

not after I've been hauled up for human functions.

Oh, come on now, come on.

Because, look, when we're all unpacked, it'll be transformed.

The lights will be on, the curtains will be drawn

and then we'll be home, nothing more to do.

Well, you'll be glad to know the heating hasn't come on as well then.

Well, since we're going ahead with bleak,

I'm turning the fire on in the sitting room.

Bleak.

Uh, I'm cold, I've got a slight headache over one eye,

I've even got jaw ache from eating all of these wine gums.

Oh, don't, Roger, otherwise I will just sit down.

Sorry.

Good. Bleak.

Yeah.

See? Dreadful.

I don't want to sit down or not unpack at all, do you see?

And then it's straight up the cold stairs in my coat.

-It's going to be awful.

-Yeah.

Grim, and then it won't be,

because when the lamps are on we've unpacked, haven't we?

And we can sit down.

Can't even begin to think about that.

That should be on now, is that better?

Mmm. Oh, yeah.

-Oh, thank you, Val.

-Hey!

Ha ha!

'Don't stop me, don't stop me, don't stop me' eh, Val?

Last night did you a load of good didn't it, Rog?

Because I was "having a good time, having a good time".

Every song that came on, it was like, "ah, yeah, this one!"

That one in particular but can you understand why, Val?

Yeah, because it could have been written for you, Rog.

Yes, yes, it could!

And I was thinking Val,

"I'm a shooting start leaping through the sky like a tiger

"defying Phil Hewlett at the tribunal!"

Well, you can tell where my... what I was thinking there.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I knew that really, from the sprint.

Yeah.

What, what sprint, love?

Well, you did a sprint, Roger,

an actual sprint four times very fast round the dance floor.

But it was the sprint of a man who will win his tribunal.

That's what I saw.

I, I was OK, wasn't I? With the dancing?

Yeah.

That, that was true even for "Eye of the Tiger", wasn't it?

Well, that was when you did the sprint.

But, er, yeah.

Oh.

Buzz, buzz, buzz, sacked, sacked, sacked, that's all I heard.

No, you didn't, Roger, because you're never off the dance floor

and as well as that, nobody said it.

-I'm getting far too comfortable now.

-Mmm.

I am pulling myself away from here... now.

Can you have a cup of tea in the bleak regime?

Yes, so long as I take it straight upstairs.

-Here, Roger, from Mike.

-What?

-He asked me to give you this when we got home.

-What is it?

I don't know.

He said "I can't give it to him myself, otherwise I'll be in pieces."

Two Little Boys.

A message, "Good luck for the tribunal my brother, Mike."

Aww.

It's our childhood copy.

The one my mother used...

Oh, there's room on his horse for two. Yeah.

Oh, that's lovely, Roger.

Well, it's, you know, Rolf Harris doing what he does very well.

I'm glad they didn't play that last night.

Well, they never would, Roger.

No, but that would have tipped me over the edge.

Why don't men ever put kisses?

No. Simple words, Val, and a grand gesture.

I have some sympathy for Mike's hair

but if you are the father of the bride,

your own hair should not upstage your daughter.

No.

I mean, what actually has happened to his hair, Roger?

Val, I've said, I don't know.

Shock, it's got to be.

It's not just the hair on his head, is it?

His eyebrows have gone completely white and his eyelashes

-and probably, you know...

-Val.

Well, I'm just saying!

Five weeks ago, his hair was as dark as yours.

They should have said something.

Yes, they should,

because as they were coming up the aisle it wasn't, you know,

"Oh, lovely, here comes the bride."

It was, "What on earth has happened to Mike's hair?"

I don't know. He's not ill.

No, it's shock.

Or his hair has come so far down the road in life

that it simply hurled itself off a cliff.

But you're right,

they should have called each one of the guests and told them...

Actually, it's tricky, isn't it?

Maybe texted them and said "Mike's hair's gone white overnight."

"Big changes here, including Mike's hair."

Yeah.

Oh, I know what I would have done,

I'd have got Mike and said, "Come and have your photo taken,"

and I would have sent a copy of that to each one of the guests

and written a note on it saying "Proud dad, please look at photo".

Brilliant.

That's how I'd have handled it.

Or, "Proud dad and daughter, please look."

Yes, that's better, actually.

Superb, Val.

That is clever.

Because it doesn't face it head on but it does deal with it.

Actually, Rog, can you move this Sunday paper?

It's like 15 other people coming into the house,

all jibber-jabbering at me, all vying for my attention.

-Rog.

-Oh, yeah.

Where's my glasses?

Oh. Right, rubbish, rubbish.

Roger!

It's the deputy headship letter.

Right.

Val, I'm calm,

I am confident

and I'm right behind you.

And I am ice cool.

I am.

Don't care either way.

Yeah.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh God, what does it say?

Right, right.

I've got an interview.

Oh, Val, congratulations.

Oh, I've got to sit down.

Oh I've been shortlisted, I'm on a shortlist, Roger.

Oh, oh, oh, Val, let's see.

-"We are delighted ..

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

"Shortlisted for an interview," oh, Val, I'm over the moon.

Oh, why couldn't we have known about this last night?

I mean, that's come after we've left, hasn't it?

That has been sitting on the mat all the time we've been at that hotel.

If we'd known, last night we'd have been a couple on the up.

Yeah! Whoa, oh yeah.

And look at us, everyone - Roger's fighting unfair dismissal

and I'm on a shortlist for a Deputy Headship.

Woo! Look at us!

You know what song I would have got on...

# I shot the Sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy #

No, Roger, please don't tempt my fate for me.

-Right, then, I wouldn't have.

-Not that.

I would have chosen...

# Come on Eileen! #

Something like that, that would have been better.

This is great news, isn't it?

Ah.

Oh.

The tactical mistake we've made, you know what it was?

We've stopped at a Little Chef at half past five.

-I know.

-Oh.

You're lulled into it. Grey road, it's raining.

-What a night we could now have had.

-Don't, Val.

I'm massively out of kilter, are you?

Roger, 20 quid a head for the hotel breakfast?

Mmm, really annoying,

then another 35 at the Little Chef. I didn't even want that burger.

Jesus, I'm behaving like a person in full-time employment.

Mmm, worst by far was the hotel breakfast.

I mean, hindsight is a wonderful thing

but what we could have done there is been clever.

You should have said "My wife will have nothing, thank you,

-"and I will have the full works for one."

-Yeah.

There was a mug in the bedroom.

I'd have been happy to use that for my coffee. And a plate.

I'd have the mug, you could have the official stuff.

Why did we own up?

-40 quid for breakfast, Val.

-Oh.

I only wanted to stop at Little Chef because I thought,

"Oh come, on come on, it's the last weekend before the tribunal,

"go for it."

How was your open chicken sandwich?

It was all right.

You see, my burger was mediocre.

You know, even with the good news,

I don't think I can eat anything else at all tonight, can you?

No, definitely not.

The only... only thing I might fancy, maybe...

is a curry.

See, but that would have to be at ten o'clock.

Then there's no way because that would be another £17.

Val?

I can't believe this.

-Well, it takes a while to sink in good news.

-Yeah.

-Val, Val, Val?

-Yeah?

Sod the unpacking.

No, Roger, no. Bring your tea with you - come on, upstairs.

20 minutes and we'll be done.

We can really enjoy it then, you know, put the lamps on, pull the curtains.

He was a nice bloke, Val, the Hebridean vet.

Yeah. Don't forget the hangers, Roger.

And his wife was.

Did you meet her?

She has never cut her hair in her life.

She said to me, "I've never cut my hair in my life."

-On the bed?

-Yeah, for now.

She said where they live,

the whole village would come out and follow the bride.

She said "We're not used to this, people in hotels."

It was quite hard, Val, for me to go to the wedding.

What you saw last night was more than a bit of bravado.

The vet's wife, when you were dancing, she said

"Who does your husband fight? For he wrestles with more than music."

You see, if we lived where they live,

there's no way I would have been sacked.

Phil and I would sort it out on fiddle night down the pub.

Mmm, I don't know.

Oh, she also said, "We have cold winds."

You see, we'd be known enemies on the island, me and Phil.

When he died, I'd cry, if I died first, he'd cry.

Did you tell her the whole saga?

No, I just told her you'd been unfairly dismissed

and she said, "The man with the big nose thinks everyone speaks of it."

Meaning what?

Uh, well, meaning that your tribunal is your big nose.

I think.

It's island wisdom.

No, I don't know.

When me and Phil are old...

Roger!

If we met on this Scottish island...

would we not be able to go for a pint and the craic would be good?

Yes, YOU would. It's Phil that's the problem.

It was on the tip of my fingers last night to text him

and say "Come on, Phil, let's sort this out, mate."

Have you done that?

-No, I haven't.

-Have you?

No, I double-checked this morning.

-Last night, it's the oddest thing, Val.

-Go on.

When we were dancing, I really wished Phil was there.

It sounds stupid

but he would have seen when I was dancing with every fibre of my being

that I wanted goodness and he'd have said "Roger, come back, mate."

Yeah, well, that's why they have tribunals, Rog,

so that you can get things sorted out in an official way

because you can't do it at a disco.

How sad.

Last night I would have grabbed Phil's waist in the conga.

-I wouldn't.

-Please, Val.

I'd have done Oops Upside Your Head with Phil.

I'd have done Hi-ho Silver Lining with him.

Last night I danced for everyone, last night...

..I danced for Phil.

Sorry.

I was having such a good time when I came up here.

Oh, Rog.

It's all right, it's, it's just stress

because it all kicks off next week.

Oh, God, it's really hitting me now.

I hope the car passes its MoT, because if it doesn't,

I'm going to have to go to the tribunal on my bike.

Sorry.

Put this toilet bag in the bathroom, Roger.

-Right.

-And check that the radiators are working in there.

Val, I'm really sorry about this.

You're, you're right it's stress.

Radiator in here needs bleeding. I'll do it tomorrow.

You shouldn't even be unpacking.

You could be downstairs. You've had great news.

Well, you'll have great news soon, Roger, hopefully.

I wonder who else has been shortlisted.

-Well.

-Pam Bagnall.

-Probably.

-No, definitely.

Oh, then there's going to be the interview.

Mmm, wish I haven't thought about actually. I feel a bit sick.

-No, don't.

-Ooh.

Because I tell you what you handle superbly, stress.

Yes, I am a Chinese gymnast. I may bend but I will never break.

Anyone who gives into stress is weak.

They'll weed that out. If you're going to crumple, get out.

Anyone seen Val Stevenson? Oh, she's good.

Yeah, and you know why that is, Rog, because I'm a cook.

You should say that in the interview.

Oh, I don't think the panel would take that very seriously.

They think anyone can cook a Sunday dinner. Wrong.

People who can cook it suffer stress.

Roast potatoes, carrots, timing, gravy.

-Yes.

-And then everyone expects a pudding, huh!

Could I be a Deputy Head? Yes.

Hear, hear.

Roger.

Am I tonight how I expected you to look having just had that news?

Actually, you don't look all that fussed

but I thought that was the whole bleak unpacking thing.

It isn't.

What? Oh, do you want me to ask you some questions?

No, thank you, no, I don't need anyone's help.

I've helped myself.

What's that?

Don't, don't, don't. It's not what you think.

In fact, pull the curtains because people can see straight in.

What is it?

It helps me,

now, don't tell anyone about this, right?

Right.

When I walk into that room, Roger, I will not be alone.

I will, in fact, be accompanied by three remarkable women.

By Martina Navratilova,

by Hillary Clinton

and by Margaret that used to be off of The Apprentice.

I know it looks odd, I know that,

but it's the only way I can think of to face off Pam Bagnall

because when I see her in that interview waiting room,

my legs are going to go from under me.

Are you taking that?

No, of course I'm not taking this!

It's a Deputy Headship interview, Roger.

No, I just use this on my own in front of the mirror.

Well, what does it do?

It's brilliant, look...

..am I on Martina?

Yeah, but, how do you know who you're on?

Because I've got it written on the inside. Mart, Hils, Marg.

I'm on Martina because I start a set down from Pam Bagnall

because I'm food tech, she is history.

I'm food tech, she is history

and she's banging it back across the court

and she's smashing it back every time

and I've got to learn to be aggressive

and I've got to stay on my toes

but I've also got to learn, in the breaks,

to very calmly sit in my seat, with a towel over my head

and eat half a banana.

Certainly you do.

Right, so say to me now, "Food tech is not an academic subject."

No.

No, as the interviewer, Roger, come on, it's important.

Oh, sorry. Food tech is not an academic subject.

That is a short-sighted statement

and bears absolutely no relevance to the post of Deputy Head.

Bam!

Brilliant.

See, that is something that Martina herself would face, coming from PE,

which so often is bracketed with food tech and, and careers.

Right, ask me something else.

-Where did you get the pictures from?

-Eh?

Off the internet, Roger, and I stuck them onto this box.

Ask me something about, oh, I don't know, discipline.

-When did you do all this?

-Roger, come on please.

Sorry. Are you a believer in strict discipline?

For this, I turn to the gimlet eye of studious dignity

of Margaret who was on The Apprentice.

I am the head of food technology,

I work in a room with 30 kids and hot ovens.

I think you'll find that my discipline is to the fore.

Oh, Val.

You see, what they're expecting is five foot Val from food tech -

"Oh, have you got room for my cookery basket?"

but that's not who they're getting.

This is who they're getting from now on.

This is who's taking me in, Roger.

Hillary Clinton.

Oh, Val. Who better?

Right, you be the interview panel, OK,

and when I come in just say "Hello" or something.

Ready and...

.. Now.

Hello.

Hi.

You see I'm wearing a mask, not an actual mask,

but the mask of Hillary's persona

because a Deputy Headship interview wouldn't even register on her radar.

-No, she'd be flying off somewhere else after that.

-Yeah, yeah.

You throw Hillary Clinton into the mix,

Pam Bagnall doesn't look like such a safe bet.

-Yeah.

-What I've done, Roger,

is I have looked to women my own age for help.

Then what I do at the end is I bring it all together...

..as me.

So, I come in. Good afternoon, nice to meet you.

"I wonder if we could discuss the la le la le or the de dee de dah",

you know, whatever it is I'm saying.

Yeah, Val, now that I've got my head around it...

this is superb.

Yeah.

Do you know, I really like Hillary.

I mean, the other two are very helpful and everything

but there's something about Hillary,

I feel I could have a glass of wine with her,

you know, I think she would sense that she could trust me,

maybe open up a little bit about Bill.

Maybe have a little cry, you know,

I don't know, I just, I just really like her.

I think she'd say, "Do you know what, Val?

"You're very lucky with Roger," and I'd say, "I know".

Hmm. Lamps on in here now?

Yeah, I think so - we're finished, haven't we?

I don't have to hide this any more,

so, um, will it disturb you if I put it on the dressing table?

I shouldn't think so, no.

I might have a go, you know, Val, for the tribunal.

Ooh, really - who would you choose, then?

Oh... Kinnock, maybe?

I don't know, I'm so bitterly disappointed in so many people.

-David Bellamy.

-Mmm.

-and Bill Bailey.

-Oh, no.

Can I just ask you, the people at the wedding,

did they all really think I was going to win the tribunal?

They didn't know, Roger, because they don't know anything about it.

We can put the lamps on down here now, ooh, gorgeous.

No, but in general, when you spoke to them,

did you get the feeling they thought I'd be successful,

that I had nothing to worry about?

Well, it wasn't like that, because how could they know?

No.

Well, it doesn't really make any difference.

I was just looking for a bit of a boost, that's all.

Oh. It doesn't make any difference, Roger,

because they don't know anything about it.

No, exactly. Exactly.

Don't know if I'm hungry or not now.

Are you hungry?

Er, well, I could eat something. Couldn't you?

Er...

well, I fell into the seventh circle of hell

at the Little Chef till with the wine gums,

so, don't know.

I hope Mike's hair didn't go white because I got sacked.

I just thought that.

No! Don't be so ridiculous, Roger.

Right. What have I got in here?

Nothing.

Oh, I'm so angry with myself, Roger, because I had fish pie in my hand

on Friday afternoon which I gave to the head because we were going away.

And that's all we've got left, the mashed potato from that.

Anything in the freezer?

Which I could make potato cakes from quite easily.

Oh, Val, oh, we haven't had those in years.

Yeah, and they're delicious, all covered with butter.

Yeah, not since we first got married

and we were,

"You could see that that Pierre did truly love the mademoiselle."

That was another good one last night.

Right, you're on, Roger, go and sort out the sitting room, come on.

Yeah.

I'll put the fire off cos the heating's kicking in.

Oh, perhaps I might get a bath then.

I'm just, um, I've, er, I've left something in the car.

OK.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Nothing I, I thought I'd left Mike's record in the car but I hadn't.

Oh.

I'm going crackers.

Yes, too long in the car.

You gave it to me in the house.

Roger, can you reach that flour down for me, please?

Rog, the flour.

Oh, yeah, yeah, hang on.

-Argh!

-Oh, oh it's gone all over.

It's all right, I'm all right.

Are you OK?

Yeah, yeah, the sodding bag was open.

-It doesn't hurt, it's flour.

-There's enough left to make the potato cakes.

Oh I'm sorry Val, I'm all fingers...

-You look like Mike.

-No.

Oh, I'll get the Hoover.

No, no, it's all right, I'll do that.

Go on, you go and have a shower.

Try and get as much out as you can before it all turns to dough

-and sticks to your hair.

-Yeah.

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