Browse content similar to The Woman in the Attic. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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AMERICAN TV VOICE-OVER: | 0:00:11 | 0:00:14 | |
SWITCHES OFF TV | 0:00:42 | 0:00:43 | |
A man falls from grace in a garden | 0:01:00 | 0:01:05 | |
because of the human pubic region. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:08 | |
Ring any bells? Today, my tribunal against the Winter Gar... | 0:01:08 | 0:01:14 | |
Oh, no, no, no, no. | 0:01:14 | 0:01:16 | |
A brief mention in an e-mail | 0:01:21 | 0:01:26 | |
of mons pubis | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
pubic hair... | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
Let's just get it out there. Let's just face it head-on. | 0:01:30 | 0:01:35 | |
Phil Hewlett, | 0:01:39 | 0:01:41 | |
I'll see you in court, sir. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:45 | |
DIALS NUMBER | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
Hi. I'd like to place an order, please. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:55 | |
Delivery, please. Yeah, my car failed its MOT. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
Yes, Stevenson, yeah, hi. I'm fine, thanks. You? | 0:02:00 | 0:02:05 | |
Yeah. The celebration banquet, please. ..With, please. Thanks. Bye. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:11 | |
If putting botanical plants before heating and budget costs is a crime, sack me. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:24 | |
Unfairly dismiss me, Roger unfairly dismiss. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:28 | |
-Yeah. -Always. Get that in as much as you can. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:32 | |
Sounding great from the hall, Rog. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:35 | |
Hang on, hang on. This is the end bit... | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
"For my... | 0:02:40 | 0:02:41 | |
"For my..." | 0:02:47 | 0:02:50 | |
For my name is Roger Stevenson, and I am a botanist. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:57 | |
-Thanks, Val. -Wish your Dad could have heard you make that speech. | 0:02:58 | 0:03:02 | |
No, no, I'm glad he didn't live to see this day. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:05 | |
His sacked son, following in his own sacked footsteps. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:09 | |
Wrong! | 0:03:09 | 0:03:11 | |
What I just heard was a brave man who has endured 3.5 months | 0:03:11 | 0:03:15 | |
-of lying about in the house. -No, I haven't been lying about. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
No, no, no, no, I mean... Sorry, I mean going to the library | 0:03:18 | 0:03:22 | |
and doing all your legal stuff. | 0:03:22 | 0:03:26 | |
Yeah, it's who I am. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:27 | |
I'm standing up and I'm saying, "This is me, | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
"this is what has happened to me. And can I have my job back, please?" | 0:03:30 | 0:03:35 | |
I was whirring away with it in the night. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:38 | |
I've been shattered all day. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
-Oh, Val. -Well, it...it gets to you, | 0:03:40 | 0:03:44 | |
and I'm tough. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:46 | |
I tell you something, Roger. I wobbled at lunchtime. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:49 | |
It's the, "Ooh, it's tomorrow, it's real now..." | 0:03:49 | 0:03:53 | |
Yeah, I was only saved by Sue Turner. | 0:03:53 | 0:03:55 | |
She just came up and put her arms round me. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:59 | |
She's got a real knack, Sue, of just coming in for me exactly when I need her. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:03 | |
Ooh, Sue gave me this...for you. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:08 | |
This little swimmer! | 0:04:08 | 0:04:11 | |
Ah, thanks. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
It's for good luck. "Keep swimming!" That's what she said. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:17 | |
-Oh, Val, that is... -Isn't it? Yeah. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:19 | |
Because Sue came today as Robinson Crusoe | 0:04:19 | 0:04:21 | |
-so she had loads of these hanging off her hat. -Yeah? Oh, I'll ring Sue. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:26 | |
Yeah. She said... she said, "Are you wound up?" | 0:04:26 | 0:04:30 | |
And then she set them all off. It was hilarious. | 0:04:30 | 0:04:33 | |
Oh! I've got two more cards for you as well, Rog. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:37 | |
So, how many does that make now four? | 0:04:37 | 0:04:40 | |
Five. There's one from Marion in Canada came this morning. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:44 | |
You see? People all over the world are outraged about it. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:49 | |
So you are right. You're right. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
Oh, and I made us a lamb casserole at school today, | 0:04:56 | 0:04:59 | |
I thought it would be comforting and bland. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:01 | |
Yeah, fine. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:03 | |
OK, er, Val, I hope you don't mind. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:06 | |
I've ordered a Chinese. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:07 | |
Oh! OK, yeah. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:09 | |
Well, because I think it will help me. | 0:05:09 | 0:05:12 | |
But you don't need any help. Not from what I'VE just heard. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
In fact, if you lose you're not going to but if you lose, | 0:05:15 | 0:05:19 | |
promise me you will go into some kind of public communication with the world. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:23 | |
Val... | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
No, Roger, please do. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:28 | |
Well, listen about why I ordered Chinese | 0:05:28 | 0:05:31 | |
-and see if you're with me on this. -Oh, I will be. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:33 | |
You see, I've really begun to enjoy... | 0:05:33 | 0:05:36 | |
You see, if you're home a lot during the day, | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
there are these sort of true-life movies that are on. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:44 | |
And often about legal stuff. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
Yeah. Oh, like A Few Good Men? | 0:05:46 | 0:05:48 | |
No. No, nothing like A Few Good Men at all. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:54 | |
-Oh. -You'll see when you retire. -Oh, I know, yes! Like that one we saw on holiday about the woman | 0:05:54 | 0:05:59 | |
who moved a whole house somewhere else on a set of wheels? | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
-Yes! -Yes. -Yes. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:04 | |
And at the end you find out what happened. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:07 | |
I mean, it's always the same, of course it is. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:10 | |
The movie's been made and the baddie seems, you know, defeated... | 0:06:10 | 0:06:14 | |
and the goody just, you know, closes up his briefcase in the courtroom. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:18 | |
Roger. Phil Hewlett will be defeated at your tribunal. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:22 | |
I can promise you that. Hold on. Hold on. He WILL be defeated. | 0:06:22 | 0:06:26 | |
I sound like I'm singing a hymn, don't I? Sorry. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:30 | |
-Yes. -Sorry! -Well, getting back to our tea tonight. -Yeah. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:33 | |
In these movies, the lawyers in them, | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
they all seem to be having great Chinese food, | 0:06:36 | 0:06:39 | |
-you know, when they're doing their legal stuff. -Yes. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:42 | |
-Sort of, "Get the DA on the phone! Hey, where's the soy sauce?" -Yeah. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:46 | |
Do you see what I mean? | 0:06:46 | 0:06:47 | |
I see exactly what you mean, Roger. We're having Chinese tonight brilliant! | 0:06:47 | 0:06:52 | |
Ooh, I'll freeze the lamb casserole. | 0:06:52 | 0:06:54 | |
No, no, you see, my wider point is | 0:06:54 | 0:06:57 | |
what will the white type at the end of MY legal movie say? | 0:06:57 | 0:07:02 | |
Val? | 0:07:02 | 0:07:03 | |
Um, er, | 0:07:03 | 0:07:06 | |
"Roger Stevenson won his tribunal. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:10 | |
"His speech about being a botanist | 0:07:10 | 0:07:14 | |
"is now on display at the Winter Gardens, where he works." What about that? | 0:07:14 | 0:07:19 | |
Well, I don't think THAT. No, you're supposed to feel a lump in your throat about me. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:25 | |
Can you do one like that? | 0:07:25 | 0:07:27 | |
Um... Oh, all right, Roger, what about this? | 0:07:27 | 0:07:31 | |
"Three days after he went back to work, | 0:07:33 | 0:07:36 | |
"the Winter Gardens was renamed the Roger Stevenson Arboretum." | 0:07:36 | 0:07:40 | |
What, Roger? The face! What?! | 0:07:40 | 0:07:43 | |
I've seen loads of these. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
It's more like, "The Stevenson Bill is on the statute books of all 52 United States of America. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:52 | |
"Roger Stevenson himself was at the right hand of the President | 0:07:52 | 0:07:56 | |
"as the bill was signed into law." Maybe. | 0:07:56 | 0:08:00 | |
Have you just made that up yourself? | 0:08:00 | 0:08:02 | |
No, no, it stayed with me | 0:08:02 | 0:08:04 | |
from one about the some disabled campaigner. It was very moving. | 0:08:04 | 0:08:09 | |
Wow. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:10 | |
Your point about the Chinese food, though, | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
they do actually do that in A Few Good Men. | 0:08:13 | 0:08:16 | |
Yeah, fine, I don't know about that. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:17 | |
They definitely do because they're walking about saying, | 0:08:17 | 0:08:20 | |
-"Do this, do that. Great won ton soup." -Exactly right! | 0:08:20 | 0:08:23 | |
And it makes you wish that we had the little white boxes | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
-instead of the British foil trays. -Yeah. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:29 | |
SHE SIGHS | 0:08:29 | 0:08:31 | |
If you're going to do your legal speech with Chinese food, | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
do you want me to put some in little Tupperware boxes? | 0:08:33 | 0:08:36 | |
I don't want to make a big deal about it. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:38 | |
I was just looking for a crutch to make me feel legally astute. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
No, I think it's a really good idea, Roger. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:43 | |
Anything like that, just cling onto it. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:46 | |
YES! | 0:08:46 | 0:08:47 | |
Want a cup of tea? | 0:08:47 | 0:08:48 | |
No, I'll wait. I'll grab a beer when the Chinese arrives. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
That's a very good idea, Roger. | 0:08:51 | 0:08:53 | |
That's exactly what they would do. Cling on to that. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:56 | |
-What have you ordered for us? -The usual. | 0:08:57 | 0:09:01 | |
Not the celebration banquet? | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
Yeah, only cos it's got the noodles for you and the rice for me. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:08 | |
But, Roger, "celebration"?! | 0:09:08 | 0:09:10 | |
This is the night before, not the night after. Oh, touch wood. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:13 | |
PHONE RINGS | 0:09:13 | 0:09:15 | |
Solicitor. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:21 | |
Oh, bit of bad news. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:24 | |
You see? You see?! | 0:09:24 | 0:09:25 | |
Phil has banned the stickers. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:29 | |
He can't do that. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
Freedom of speech! I've just given one to Sue in the toilets. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
Yeah, not from ordinary people. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:35 | |
He's asked us not to wear them at the court, and they've agreed. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:38 | |
-On what grounds?! -On the grounds "I believe Roger Stevenson was unfairly dismissed" | 0:09:38 | 0:09:43 | |
is a biased and political statement. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:47 | |
How do they square that? | 0:09:47 | 0:09:49 | |
-Oh, this is my fault, Rog. -How can that be? | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
-No, no, no, it is. I've let you down. -No, Val... | 0:09:53 | 0:09:56 | |
I've put too much on them, haven't I? | 0:09:56 | 0:09:59 | |
"Peace... | 0:09:59 | 0:10:00 | |
"St John's Ambulance... | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
"Free Willy." One word. Two, three at the most. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
That's what people have on stickers. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
No, no, Val, no. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:11 | |
No, don't you go down. Not my talisman, not my mascot. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:14 | |
Don't make me that now, please, Roger, | 0:10:14 | 0:10:16 | |
cos I'm having a slump now about the stickers. | 0:10:16 | 0:10:19 | |
Oh, God, this is... Oh, Jesus! | 0:10:19 | 0:10:22 | |
Stop it, please, Roger! Allow me to have my slump. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
People around you also need slumps. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
Aaaargh! | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
In a minute, Roger, I will be fine. | 0:10:32 | 0:10:36 | |
But just for now, allow me to be the reaction of how I feel inside, which is this. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:42 | |
SHE GROANS | 0:10:42 | 0:10:43 | |
HE GROANS | 0:10:51 | 0:10:54 | |
Right, come on, come on. Keep swimming. | 0:10:58 | 0:11:01 | |
You only ban something if it's having an effect. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:06 | |
Yeah! | 0:11:06 | 0:11:08 | |
Democracy. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:09 | |
I'm always saying, | 0:11:09 | 0:11:11 | |
Winter Gardens... North Korea. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:14 | |
Although I'm drawing closer parallels with Burma now, | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
particularly since I'm in the house all day. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:20 | |
Yeah, Phil Hewlett and a Burmese General, | 0:11:20 | 0:11:23 | |
in a game of cards, I'd say, "Snap." | 0:11:23 | 0:11:25 | |
The stickers are great. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:27 | |
You've run a brilliant campaign for me, Val, ever since I married you. | 0:11:27 | 0:11:31 | |
Now, if at the end of it... | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
No, don't say it... | 0:11:35 | 0:11:36 | |
-No, no, no, come on. No, no... -No, don't, no, no, no... | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
If I lose... | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
Oh... But we've lost before, | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
and we're here, still swimming. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
That's right. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
So let's get this show back on the road. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:52 | |
You've got 57 supporters on here now, Rog! | 0:12:08 | 0:12:12 | |
Ah, Sue's given you the thumbs-up. "Sue Turner likes this." | 0:12:14 | 0:12:18 | |
Strange to think that tomorrow night, maybe, | 0:12:19 | 0:12:22 | |
we might be drinking champagne. | 0:12:22 | 0:12:24 | |
Who's Jean Duggan? | 0:12:24 | 0:12:27 | |
What? | 0:12:28 | 0:12:30 | |
Jean Duggan? | 0:12:30 | 0:12:33 | |
-I don't know. -"You can't pretend it didn't happen." | 0:12:34 | 0:12:38 | |
Where's this? Move over, Val. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:42 | |
-It's my Facebook support thing! -Well, I run it. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:45 | |
-Well, let me have a look. -Oh, here. Who is it? There. There. | 0:12:45 | 0:12:48 | |
I can see, thanks, Val. Let me just have a look. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:50 | |
-Jean Duggan? -Val, please! | 0:12:50 | 0:12:53 | |
What does she mean? This is a woman! | 0:12:53 | 0:12:56 | |
It's not a woman. Well, it's not a woman like that. Don't be ridiculous. | 0:12:56 | 0:12:59 | |
-Well, she's got a woman's name. -How do you know that? You don't know that. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:02 | |
I mean, this is the international French book, er, Facebook. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:05 | |
For all you know, that could be a French man. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:08 | |
Well, it's very unlikely, with a name like Duggan. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:11 | |
Jean DuGan?! No, this is Jean Duggan from England. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:15 | |
Roger, what can't you pretend didn't happen? | 0:13:16 | 0:13:20 | |
No, it's the night before my tribunal. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:23 | |
-I don't know this person. -Well, who is it? | 0:13:23 | 0:13:26 | |
It's some... | 0:13:26 | 0:13:28 | |
militant feminist who saw the words "pubic hair" in a paper | 0:13:28 | 0:13:32 | |
and e-mailed me - I don't know. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:34 | |
Well, I certainly do want to know. So let's reply and find out. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:39 | |
No. No more replies, no more messages from people I don't know. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:42 | |
-Well, that's suspicious. -No, it isn't. I don't know this woman. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:46 | |
I don't want trouble now. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:48 | |
No, the message, Roger, is suspicious. | 0:13:48 | 0:13:51 | |
-I agree. -Which is why you need to reply and say, "Who are you? | 0:13:51 | 0:13:55 | |
-"What do you mean?" -No, I really don't. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:57 | |
-No, you really do. -No, have you really thought, | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
-this could be from Phil - have you thought about that? -No! | 0:13:59 | 0:14:02 | |
Oh... I suppose it is extremely random. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:06 | |
Yes, I suppose it could be a set-up. | 0:14:06 | 0:14:08 | |
Yes, exactly one of the reasons I want to leave it. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:11 | |
BUZZING | 0:14:11 | 0:14:13 | |
Can you turn that swimmer off, please? It's getting really annoying. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:17 | |
The swimmer hasn't moved, Val. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:20 | |
So now I can't even HEAR anything because I'm dressed as Mrs Danvers, apparently. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:25 | |
-Could you go upstairs and put some normal clothes on? -Yes, in a minute. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:29 | |
Ooh... | 0:14:29 | 0:14:31 | |
I wonder if it's anything to do with Marion in Canada, | 0:14:31 | 0:14:35 | |
cos she's got all those big sons that keep getting divorced. | 0:14:35 | 0:14:39 | |
Right, any son of Marion in Canada | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
would have the same surname as Marion in Canada, which is Tunningly. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:44 | |
I just thought it might be because she had sent the card. | 0:14:44 | 0:14:48 | |
So it's not. "You can't pretend it didn't happen." | 0:14:48 | 0:14:52 | |
-Who is it? -Yeah, well, who's THAT? | 0:14:52 | 0:14:54 | |
Will you please turn that off, Roger? | 0:14:54 | 0:14:56 | |
-I keep hearing it. -Who are you in your Mrs Danvers costume? | 0:14:56 | 0:14:59 | |
-Who are YOU? -I'm Roger Stevenson, I'm a botanist. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:01 | |
Well, you need to call your solicitor, Roger Stevenson. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:04 | |
-All right, -I -will. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:06 | |
No, because it's all coming at my head, I don't want anyone rung now. | 0:15:06 | 0:15:10 | |
-No, I will, because I am alert to threat. -Val, don't. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:13 | |
It's the night before my tribunal. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:16 | |
I'm covering it up but I'm really feeling stressed now. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:18 | |
-You were fine five minutes ago. -No, someone who goes into elaborate detail | 0:15:18 | 0:15:22 | |
just to order a Chinese is not fine. | 0:15:22 | 0:15:24 | |
-All right. -Ah, ah! | 0:15:24 | 0:15:26 | |
-What? What? -I know what it is. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:28 | |
Some soul has taken a sticker, surely, from us, | 0:15:28 | 0:15:31 | |
-when we were picketing the Winter Gardens. -That's very unlikely, Roger. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:35 | |
-No, it is, it is! -I can't see that, no, I can't see that. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:37 | |
It can't be anything else. Who else can it be? | 0:15:37 | 0:15:39 | |
I don't even know this person. Look...I cannot deal with this now. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:43 | |
OK. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
It'll be all right, Rog. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:25 | |
I'm looking forward to my celebration banquet. Are you? | 0:16:27 | 0:16:30 | |
Roger, you have been sacked on a trumped-up charge. | 0:16:32 | 0:16:37 | |
"Pubic hair" in a work e-mail. | 0:16:37 | 0:16:40 | |
But it's really because you speak up for plants, | 0:16:40 | 0:16:44 | |
and I know people will see that. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:46 | |
Yeah. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:47 | |
It's a marked irony with the Garden of Eden, | 0:16:48 | 0:16:52 | |
where the leaf disguises the hair. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
Here, it's the other way around. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:57 | |
Were there any other Mrs Danverses? | 0:17:02 | 0:17:04 | |
-No. -Good. | 0:17:04 | 0:17:05 | |
Soon as I walked in, Sue said to me, "Ooh, Val, you normally come as a pirate." | 0:17:05 | 0:17:10 | |
-Yeah. What about the Head? -Dumbledore. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
-No, I don't care what she came as, though it's predictable. -Yeah. -Did she see you as Mrs Danvers? | 0:17:12 | 0:17:17 | |
Ooh, yes, she did. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
I had a long chat with her, and then every time I passed her, she went... | 0:17:19 | 0:17:22 | |
-..like that. -That's great. That's what we were talking about. | 0:17:24 | 0:17:28 | |
This is exactly the change in perception we were looking for. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:31 | |
Yeah. Headscarf, hoop earrings, stripy top, eye patch, parrot - no. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:36 | |
No, exactly right, it's World Book Day, come as a character. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
You are a deputy headship candidate, Stevenson. Look the part or get off the shortlist. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:44 | |
-Hear, hear! What about the other candidates? -Oh, huge tactical error | 0:17:44 | 0:17:49 | |
by Pam Bagnell - I think, anyway. | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
See what you think. | 0:17:52 | 0:17:53 | |
She came as Aslan. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:55 | |
Well, that's fair enough. No, fair enough. We thought OURS through. It's a good idea. | 0:17:55 | 0:17:59 | |
-Oh, -I -don't think it is. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:01 | |
I think she knew she'd massively overshot because after lunch she took off the mask | 0:18:01 | 0:18:06 | |
and she just wandered about in the tail. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:08 | |
Oh, that's dangerously close to hubris. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:11 | |
-How was the costume? -It was good. -Did she have a mane? | 0:18:11 | 0:18:14 | |
No, she had a mask and her husband's curly ginger football wig. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:18 | |
-Did she have paws? -No, because she was teaching after lunch. | 0:18:18 | 0:18:21 | |
-Brown polo neck, brown skirt. -For a lion? | 0:18:21 | 0:18:23 | |
The added twist with ours, Rog, is that I teach food tech, | 0:18:25 | 0:18:29 | |
Mrs Danvers is a housekeeper. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:31 | |
That is a piece of sheer genius, Val. | 0:18:31 | 0:18:33 | |
Whereas Pam Bagnell teaches history. She's got a curly ginger wig. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:38 | |
-Blind. -Do I need to spell it out? | 0:18:38 | 0:18:40 | |
-Not for me, Val. -Concertina up a piece of white cardboard, | 0:18:40 | 0:18:43 | |
shove it round your neck, paint your face white, pearl earrings - job done. | 0:18:43 | 0:18:47 | |
Potato, your Majesty? | 0:18:47 | 0:18:48 | |
-Tobacco, your Majesty? -She missed a trick there. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:51 | |
Yeah, well, I'm glad of that because the perception could have been | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
Queen Pam I, the heir apparent - the next deputy head. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:59 | |
-Open goal. -Yeah. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:01 | |
You know, most of the kids thought I was the evil housekeeper from Downton. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:05 | |
In a way that's what World Book Day's all about. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:08 | |
The original evil housekeeper is Mrs Danvers in Rebecca. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
Before her, it was the mad what's-her-name in the attic. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:14 | |
No, the mad woman in the attic and the housekeepers are completely different. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:18 | |
OK. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:19 | |
The mad woman in the attack is PMT, Rog. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:22 | |
Eh? No, I don't think that's right, Val. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:24 | |
No, it is. | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
It's the Bronte Sisters all having PMT together in one small parsonage. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:31 | |
Their cooped-up femaleness sort of billows helplessly | 0:19:31 | 0:19:36 | |
onto the page, soaking it crimson | 0:19:36 | 0:19:39 | |
with screeching desire or something. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
Cos they never had sex. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:44 | |
-Oh, I don't like to think about it. -Whereas the mad women's keepers | 0:19:44 | 0:19:48 | |
are always older women. | 0:19:48 | 0:19:50 | |
They've gone through the menopause and they HAVE had sex. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:54 | |
My theory is brilliant. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:58 | |
Yeah. Older. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:01 | |
Oh, I'm getting out of this. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:03 | |
-BUZZING -Aargh! Aaaaaargh! | 0:20:05 | 0:20:08 | |
-There! Look, look there! It's a swimmer! It's a swimmer! -What is it?! | 0:20:08 | 0:20:12 | |
-Oh, Val, for God's sake. -Oh, my God! I didn't know what that was! -What is it? | 0:20:12 | 0:20:15 | |
-That has been in my hair! -For God's sake, calm down! | 0:20:15 | 0:20:19 | |
I thought it was a creature. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:20 | |
Well, it's not, it's that. | 0:20:20 | 0:20:22 | |
Oh, God. | 0:20:22 | 0:20:24 | |
-Oh, no. -What? | 0:20:24 | 0:20:26 | |
-(You put that on the table downstairs.) -Yes. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:32 | |
No, no, you put it on the table downstairs. I saw you put it there. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:37 | |
Right. I threw it somewhere, I think. | 0:20:37 | 0:20:39 | |
Yes, I saw you put it there. | 0:20:40 | 0:20:42 | |
There is no way that that got into my hair. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:45 | |
Val, it must have somehow whirred its way into your plait, and there's the end of it. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:50 | |
(Roger, why has it come? What does it want?) | 0:20:50 | 0:20:54 | |
Oh, yes, of course. | 0:20:56 | 0:20:58 | |
-The Chinese. -What? | 0:20:58 | 0:21:00 | |
That's why the little swimmer has come upstairs. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:03 | |
The celebration banquet - it thinks you've tempted fate. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:06 | |
If you're attributing free will to this swimmer, then why not give its due? | 0:21:06 | 0:21:10 | |
No, I'm not saying that. I just think it's really weird. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:13 | |
I would say that this is an explicable accident | 0:21:13 | 0:21:16 | |
but as you're NOT saying that, maybe... | 0:21:16 | 0:21:20 | |
it made its way up the stairs | 0:21:20 | 0:21:22 | |
because that's where the bathroom is, | 0:21:22 | 0:21:25 | |
and it was looking...for water. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:28 | |
You have displeased it, Roger. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:31 | |
Well, then, let's cure it. Let's cleanse its sinister aura. | 0:21:31 | 0:21:36 | |
I'm just saying I want its good luck back, | 0:21:36 | 0:21:39 | |
and for some reason it's taken against us. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:41 | |
Right, let's give it a little swim. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:44 | |
I don't actually believe all this, Roger, I'm just covering us for the tribunal. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:50 | |
And I personally wouldn't have ordered a "celebration" anything tonight. | 0:21:50 | 0:21:54 | |
I ordered the celebration because of the rice for Val | 0:21:54 | 0:21:57 | |
and the noodles for me. Nothing to do with the name. All right, mate? | 0:21:57 | 0:22:01 | |
Jesus, Val, I could do without this tonight. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:04 | |
I've got an unfair-dismissal tribunal tomorrow. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:07 | |
-DOORBELL RINGS -Chinese! You see? I'm right! | 0:22:07 | 0:22:11 | |
Don't leave me on my own with it! | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
If you bring bad luck for the tribunal, | 0:22:16 | 0:22:19 | |
I will snap your little legs off. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:21 | |
Oh, thank you. Thanks very much. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
Roger! We could practise your speech with the Chinese. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:45 | |
I wish you hadn't done that. | 0:22:47 | 0:22:50 | |
Well, I thought it was Phil in disguise. Is it Phil? | 0:22:50 | 0:22:53 | |
Right, well, it's not. | 0:22:53 | 0:22:56 | |
I'm being stalked. | 0:22:56 | 0:22:58 | |
A proper...proper stalker. | 0:22:58 | 0:23:00 | |
What, by Phil? | 0:23:00 | 0:23:01 | |
No, it's a woman. | 0:23:01 | 0:23:04 | |
By a Mrs Danvers, actually. | 0:23:05 | 0:23:08 | |
An older woman who has seen me in the local paper with the tribunal, and... | 0:23:08 | 0:23:15 | |
There are complications. | 0:23:25 | 0:23:28 | |
What? | 0:23:28 | 0:23:29 | |
I know her. | 0:23:31 | 0:23:32 | |
So you were lying. | 0:23:35 | 0:23:36 | |
Yeah. Yeah, I have. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:39 | |
But...that's because I didn't want to worry you. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:46 | |
I thought it would go away. | 0:23:46 | 0:23:48 | |
And also, Val, you're dressed like Mrs Danvers. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:53 | |
Roger. | 0:23:53 | 0:23:55 | |
Sorry. | 0:23:55 | 0:23:57 | |
Well, you'd better not lie tomorrow. | 0:23:57 | 0:24:00 | |
What's the name of this stalker? | 0:24:00 | 0:24:03 | |
Jean...Danvers. Um... | 0:24:03 | 0:24:05 | |
Duggan. | 0:24:07 | 0:24:09 | |
So this was who YOU were claiming was a French man? | 0:24:09 | 0:24:12 | |
Yes. I was scared. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:16 | |
OK, I'm scared of YOU now. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:20 | |
And of her. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:22 | |
-How do you know her? -Oh, I don't KNOW her. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
You DO know her, you DON'T know her...? | 0:24:24 | 0:24:27 | |
31 years ago, I knew her. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:29 | |
I can't believe I have to... This is why I didn't say anything. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:35 | |
She used to clean my room in the halls of residence. | 0:24:37 | 0:24:40 | |
-Well, I don't buy a word of that. -It's true! | 0:24:40 | 0:24:42 | |
I haven't heard from her in 31 years. I mean, she must be 70. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:46 | |
What on earth is happening? | 0:24:46 | 0:24:48 | |
She must be more... She must be more than 70. Jesus. | 0:24:48 | 0:24:52 | |
How do you know her, Roger? | 0:24:52 | 0:24:53 | |
At college! She cleaned my room at college! | 0:24:53 | 0:24:55 | |
Yes, you've said that. | 0:24:55 | 0:24:57 | |
We got talking. I was trying to... This was years ago, in the early '80s. | 0:24:57 | 0:25:03 | |
I was trying to persuade her not to buy her council house on political grounds. | 0:25:03 | 0:25:08 | |
One thing led to another and... | 0:25:08 | 0:25:11 | |
Why have you never told me? | 0:25:11 | 0:25:13 | |
Her husband at the time was undergoing quite a serious back operation, actually. | 0:25:13 | 0:25:18 | |
She was 41, I was a rather nervous youth around women, | 0:25:18 | 0:25:23 | |
and we helped each other out. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
I don't know! | 0:25:26 | 0:25:27 | |
She must have seen me in the paper and got my address from the Winter Gardens. | 0:25:27 | 0:25:31 | |
Well, that is against data protection. | 0:25:31 | 0:25:34 | |
One tribunal at a time, Val, please. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:36 | |
But you've done nothing wrong. | 0:25:37 | 0:25:39 | |
I know. | 0:25:39 | 0:25:41 | |
So what does she want? | 0:25:41 | 0:25:43 | |
I think she had hopes to rekindle it. | 0:25:44 | 0:25:46 | |
You know, her husband with the bad back's passed away now. | 0:25:46 | 0:25:49 | |
-Oh, Roger. -I know. | 0:25:49 | 0:25:52 | |
You see, we don't do young and old in this country | 0:25:52 | 0:25:55 | |
with quite the same elan as the French. | 0:25:55 | 0:25:58 | |
Their ears don't seem to go big when they grow old. Anyway... | 0:25:58 | 0:26:03 | |
I don't want to dwell on it. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:05 | |
I'd much rather just...move on. | 0:26:05 | 0:26:08 | |
Do you think you can go and put on some normal clothes now? | 0:26:09 | 0:26:12 | |
Oh, OK. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:14 | |
You see, I love... | 0:26:14 | 0:26:16 | |
-..with your glossy dark hair all down. -OK. OK. | 0:26:17 | 0:26:21 | |
-Aaaargh! -What?! -Roger! -What?! -Help me! There's a swimmer there! | 0:26:24 | 0:26:29 | |
-There! -I don't know. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:31 | |
I don't know now. I should have apologised to it. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:33 | |
Oh, my God, everything's going wrong now. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:36 | |
OK, certainly now, I am classifying this as unexplainable. | 0:26:36 | 0:26:40 | |
Roger, go upstairs and see what's happened in the sink. Oh, God! | 0:26:40 | 0:26:44 | |
Quick! | 0:26:44 | 0:26:45 | |
-Ohhh! -"Ohhh" what? What? -There are two of them! | 0:26:48 | 0:26:51 | |
THERE'S TWO OF THEM! | 0:26:51 | 0:26:54 | |
What? What? | 0:26:56 | 0:26:58 | |
Val, stop it now. Just stop it, just stop now. | 0:26:58 | 0:27:00 | |
-What?! -Stop! There are two of them. -There's two. | 0:27:00 | 0:27:03 | |
There are two swimmers. | 0:27:03 | 0:27:05 | |
One of which I suspect has been lodged in your hair for some time. | 0:27:05 | 0:27:09 | |
What? Yes, yes, that... | 0:27:09 | 0:27:12 | |
Yes, of course, because that's come off Sue's hat | 0:27:12 | 0:27:15 | |
when she's hugged me in the toilet, hasn't it? | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
-Probably, yes. -No, definitely, Rog. | 0:27:18 | 0:27:21 | |
There's nothing scary about this at all. | 0:27:21 | 0:27:23 | |
-No. -Oh, that's fallen out of my false plait, hasn't it, | 0:27:23 | 0:27:27 | |
-when she's hugged me? -Yeah. | 0:27:27 | 0:27:28 | |
Oh, Sue's going to laugh about this. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:31 | |
It's a perfectly simple explanation. | 0:27:31 | 0:27:34 | |
Unlike YOUR story. | 0:27:34 | 0:27:36 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:19 | 0:28:26 |