Surprise! Roger and Val Have Just Got In


Surprise!

Sitcom following the lives of a couple during their first half-hour home from work. A verdict leads to a meal, and an email leads to a confession.


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Transcript


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# Here we go... #

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Val!

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Hello!

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MUSIC PLAYS

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Valerie?

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Oh!

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Hee-hee! You lot.

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Well, I'm really glad I won my tribunal!

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I wish all my friends were here to celebrate.

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They're still fixing stuff.

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I'll just go upstairs to the toilet

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and then, er... then I'll pop down again.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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The doorbell!

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Can someone get the door, please?

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Well, I would, but I'm not supposed to know about it.

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Oh!

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Oh, just let me orchestrate it... Thanks very much(!)

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Thoughtless.

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KEY TURNS

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-Val!

-Oh, I knew that would happen!

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Shh... Up here, come here.

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-What?

-Shh! Come up here.

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-What's the matter?

-Just come up here!

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-I've only been gone two minutes.

-Shh!

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-It's a surprise.

-Yeah, I... Thank you very much.

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I'll go along with it for an hour,

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but after that, I want everybody out.

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-What do you mean?

-I don't want them here.

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I've been under enormous strain... I don't feel like celebrating.

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-I'm actually ill with it!

-Roger, you've won.

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I've begun to sweat where I didn't know I could - in the middle of my forearms.

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It's a tingling, unpleasant sensation, and it's stress.

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-Roger!

-Shh!

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Are there people in there?

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No. The surprise is in my hand.

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Oh.

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Oh, right, well, yeah, it doesn't matter.

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-Well, what did you think I meant?

-It doesn't matter, it's OK.

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Did you think I'd got people round?

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Yeah.

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I thought that perhaps you'd organised a surprise party,

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and loads of people from the Winter Gardens

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had come to hoist me aloft and cheer me on.

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No.

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OK.

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No, it's...just me.

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-Yeah.

-Oh.

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No, no, that's fine!

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You know, you come into a house in use,

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you've won, your mind races.

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-Well, the surprise is under here.

-Thanks very much.

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Honestly, Rog, I feel like a disappointment now.

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No, no, no, no, I'm relieved.

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Well, I was all set to dance down the hall with it.

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-Right, well, please do.

-No, not in this atmosphere, no.

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I'll just walk normally, that's all.

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No, I would very much like you to dance.

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No, not now, definitely not.

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Now, you see this is not how I want it to be!

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I want it to be the way it was going to be!

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It's not my fault that I'm under huge pressure.

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We're all under huge pressure with it, Roger!

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Everyone in a 50-mile radius has lived every single minute with you.

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Right, but last night I dreamt

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that by mistake I was at a far-right rally in South Africa.

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I was spotted, it was absolutely terrifying.

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Will you speak normally, Roger? There's no-one here.

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I had to try and sidle my way via the swimming pool.

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Well, that would be normal for a night before a verdict.

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I was spotted by a distant group of men

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that said nothing but wore green blazers,

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and they had beards like they were all in ZZ Top.

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It doesn't sounds as awful as it was, but trust me, it was.

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Right...but, Roger, you've won,

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so, Rog, all of this is over!

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It's over.

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-It's over!

-Ah...

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-Ah!

-Oh, come here.

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-Oh!

-Ah, it's OK, it's OK.

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Oh, thank you, my stalwart and my talisman.

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Oh, come on, cheer up, Rog. You've won!

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Let's have a look at your surprise.

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OK... Ta-da!

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Cask ale!

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Can you see now why I had to be so careful about the timing?

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Oh, that's beautiful, Val, it's a beautiful gesture.

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Look, "Roger Stevenson was unfairly dismissed."

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Yeah, legal fact, but don't go telling anyone,

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because otherwise the pub'll lose their licence.

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-Oh, I won't, I won't.

-No, don't go back to work and...

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I know, "Don't go back to work"!

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I don't even know when I actually start again.

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I have to do this thing called a reintegrated return.

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-Well, good.

-Yeah, for people who have been away a long time.

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Yeah, but that'll be just the law, that's just a legal requirement.

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I love the law. I've got every faith in it.

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Oh, Val, after the verdict,

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I went up to the panel and I said, "Thank you for justice."

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It was funny, because in the pub after,

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Steve and Fran popped down, and then...they went away again.

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And I thought, "I just wonder..."

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No, Roger, I didn't have time, I'm sorry.

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I didn't get your text till five,

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and I was still in the meeting, so I couldn't ring.

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And when you could, I was in the pub and I couldn't hear the phone.

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And I was right across from Sue in the meeting.

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We're very well attuned, Sue and I, and so I got your text

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and I just gave her the slightest nod like...like that,

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and all this in the middle of the senior staff meeting!

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The slightest nod...right?

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So I went...and then she went...

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"Delighted."

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You're having spaghetti as well, OK?

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Gorgeous, yeah.

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I didn't want to go out.

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Last night, as I was lying in bed,

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I thought, "If Roger wins, I'm going to cook in the pans.

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"I will use them.

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"I will."

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Oh, please say we'll have a holiday soon.

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Oh, we must. Look at me tonight, Val.

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-Stress-wise, I'm at the end.

-Yeah... Oh...

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Not in the Scottish islands, though, eh?

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No, not ever again.

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Somewhere where there's restaurants and not just a Co-op.

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OK, I got it wrong.

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Do you want to dry?

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Yeah.

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Look, I've ended up with all of these.

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-Have you taken the labels off all of them?

-Yeah.

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I've only used three for the dinner,

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but, yes, all of the pans are now opened.

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I thought... No, I'm all right.

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I thought...if we used them tonight,

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he could be part of it, you know, join in.

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Yeah. It's a family occasion. It includes him.

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Yeah, I think it does.

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-I'll get you a drink.

-Yeah, come on. You've won!

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WE'VE won.

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You ran a damn good campaign, Val.

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-How's your pint?

-Great, thanks.

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Oh, you know who I'd like to invite, Val,

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to the surprise party, if we were having one?

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The panel. The people on the panel.

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-But they wouldn't be able to come.

-Yes, they would.

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No, they wouldn't.

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That would be entirely inappropriate behaviour on their behalf.

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They'd be banned from doing things like that.

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Things like what? My surprise party?

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Yeah, they'd be hauled up for fraternising with a claimant.

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-Well, I want them to come.

-Well, they can't come.

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Well, I want them to come, so...

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What does it matter? We're not having one anyway.

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No, so why are you being so snippy? What's the matter?

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Excuse me!

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I have just stood on these very two legs

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for a verdict but hours ago.

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Yes, but you won.

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Yeah, but it's so...defining.

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The whole process has made me take stock.

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Oh, that's someone else I'd like to invite.

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Pete Potts.

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I'm not sure that's such a good idea.

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Yeah, I would love for the panel to meet him.

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I would say, "May I introduce my university professor

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"and the world's greatest living botanist?"

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Yeah, but he wouldn't be able to come either, would he?

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Because he's 85 now.

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Yeah, he would be able to come, because I'd go and pick him up,

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drive through the night.

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Or at least pay his train fare... and collect him from the station.

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If he could get himself on a train, that would help.

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Well, there is a direct line, isn't there, from Sheffield to here?

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If he could get himself on the train, he'd only have to sit,

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and if he needed any help,

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there are the people with little hats and the portable ramps.

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No, no, his son would bring him, one of the sons.

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They'd be in their 60s now, Roger. They've got lives of their own.

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Yeah but no, they would. They would drive him, definitely.

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That's what sons do for fathers.

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Well... And another thing at the party,

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he wouldn't be able to smoke his pipe indoors, like he usually does.

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-He would.

-No, he wouldn't,

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because the panel would be very on with health and safety,

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-and they for one would object.

-Well, tough - they can get out.

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I was like a son to Pete.

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Well, I suppose we could plant him in the corner there, couldn't we?

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-Or the big chair in the sitting room.

-The big chair.

-Yeah.

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And then we could take Pete his food,

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-so he wouldn't have to queue up for the buffet.

-Val!

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Some young plant-team member would be honoured to get his plate.

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Tell their grandchildren.

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"I once got Pete Potts a baked potato."

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I wonder if I'd invite the head.

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Would I?

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I think with the deputy headship, now that you're short-listed,

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I would err on the side of caution.

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-I would say no.

-Oh, shame.

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-Because she'd really enjoy it, get into it.

-No, she can't come.

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Yep, I think you're right.

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And we would appear too loose and laid-back

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for a school to be able to deal with.

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I'd like to say invite her, but I can't.

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Yeah, she's just going to have to hear about the party the next day

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-and think, "Oh, Val's popular."

-That's your ideal.

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-These are good.

-Oh, which one of those do you like best?

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-Yeah, this one.

-Right.

-When's your doodle deadline?

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Tuesday, but I'm being very careful about this year's.

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Absolutely.

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And the senior staff meeting tonight, Roger, was focused on art.

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-How do you mean?

-Well, I think we've seriously underestimated Pauline Green.

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-No, we haven't.

-Art is her subject.

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This was the last meeting before the interview,

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so she stays in the head's mind.

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No, you know my view - she's lucky to have made the shortlist.

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Well, exactly, that's my point! She is the luckiest woman alive.

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She once told me

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that she got an all-chocolate Kit Kat out of a vending machine.

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I'm not worried.

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-But maybe just...yeah, monitor her.

-Yeah.

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Have I ever met her? I mean, where is she on here?

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Erm... Pauline Green, there.

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Oh, yeah.

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-Oh, and there you are with your...

-That's my whisk.

-Yeah.

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-Pauline Green's is excellent, look.

-Well, of course it is - she's art.

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-Oh, there's poor Lilly Brennan.

-Oh.

-Oh...

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-Yeah, that was...

-It was, yeah.

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Still, at least she lived long enough

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-to make it onto last year's tea towel, bless her.

-Yeah, she did.

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Where's Pauline Green on...this one?

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-Oh, she's there.

-Oh.

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-Well, she's up here on this one.

-Is she? Oh.

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I thought everybody stayed the same. I have.

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-Have you?

-Yeah, look.

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Mrs Stevenson, food tech, Mrs Stevenson, food tech,

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Mrs Stevenson, food tech...

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How did Pauline get up there? Because on this one she's down here

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and then, rather unsurprisingly, on the middle one

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she's in the middle.

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So how has she...? Yeah.

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-I'm in the same place on all of them!

-No, you're not.

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Well, yes, you are, but does that really matter, Val?

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Well, I'm the same!

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Yeah, you've got the same husband, who likes you the same.

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-Mr Stevenson!

-Roger, Roger, this is my career, this is my life.

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You're consistent, reliable, with a strikingly similar hairstyle.

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Yeah, but look, look, if Pauline's journey continues,

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on the next tea towel, she's going to be the deputy head!

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There's just one problem with that.

0:14:370:14:39

Look at Pauline's portrait - it's expertly drawn,

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but ultimately it's undignified.

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The deputy head is a serious job. Look at the head's portrait.

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Yeah, two eyes, nose, mouth, it's generic.

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-Pam Bagnall, top of the shortlist...

-The bigwig.

-..is serious.

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Yes, so...

0:14:550:14:58

Roger, what if I draw glasses on myself?

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Mmm... Brilliant.

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Yeah, yeah, because you can just be too modest.

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-Yeah.

-That's it.

-So...there's Pauline...

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-Yep.

-..there's Pam and there's you-ou.

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-Yeah.

-The unexpected challenger in a pair of glasses.

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I'm not the same, though.

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I have applied for a deputy headship.

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Yep. Here's to the win double, babe.

0:15:280:15:30

Ah...victory.

0:15:330:15:35

Yeah, that's travelled quite well, actually, Val.

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When you rang the bell, I thought it was more surprise guests.

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I didn't ring the bell.

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Well, somebody did.

0:15:440:15:46

Oh, delicious! Oh, and you're right, we need a holiday.

0:15:470:15:50

Oh, yeah, even a long weekend. We'll fly off tonight.

0:15:500:15:55

-Oh, don't, Val.

-It's bank holiday on Monday as well.

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Is it? What date is it on Monday?

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Er... The first?

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Well, we're OK with the mortgage, then?

0:16:040:16:06

Er... Yeah, I think so. I'll check it tomorrow.

0:16:060:16:09

Yeah, well, if it's bank holiday, Val,

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they might take it in overnight tonight.

0:16:110:16:14

-So are we OK, then?

-No, they'll take it on Monday.

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I can't remember which way they do it, but it's unfair.

0:16:160:16:20

Well, whichever way they do it, don't you check it, cos I'm checking it.

0:16:200:16:25

-No, I'll do it.

-No, don't, because it'll just wind you up.

0:16:250:16:28

-How will it wind me up?

-I'm better at looking it in the face.

0:16:280:16:32

I'm fine, I've got my job back.

0:16:320:16:35

Yeah, but I want to do it, because I know how I've done things.

0:16:350:16:38

-I'll do it.

-Oh!

0:16:380:16:40

Look, I've kept this from you,

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because you've been fighting your tribunal,

0:16:440:16:46

but I'm telling you now, we're well into the flexi-loan.

0:16:460:16:50

Oh...

0:16:500:16:52

Oh, Jesus.

0:17:130:17:14

Oh...

0:17:320:17:33

I tried to extend our overdraft,

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but they refused because of the drop in income.

0:18:020:18:04

-Oh, Val, it's fine.

-No, it's not, Roger.

0:18:040:18:08

We're going to leave that bank the minute we're back in credit,

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because they've been absolutely horrible.

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It's as if they don't want to help us out.

0:18:130:18:16

Our capitalist masters kicking us poor bastards when we're down?

0:18:160:18:19

-Roger...

-Oh, yeah, hang on, it's called a bank.

0:18:190:18:22

Roger, Roger, I'm going to do the sauce now,

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but I'm not going to do the usual swirl.

0:18:250:18:28

I'm going to do a V for victory.

0:18:280:18:31

Well, don't do another V here.

0:18:330:18:34

Do an R, cos then we'll have V and R.

0:18:340:18:36

Val and Roger.

0:18:360:18:38

Oh, I don't know if I can an R, Rog. Rs are hard.

0:18:380:18:41

Do a lower case R,

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and if you feel when you get to the curve that you're doing well,

0:18:420:18:45

just carry on and make a capital.

0:18:450:18:47

-There.

-V.

0:18:500:18:52

V for vindicated.

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V for verdict.

0:18:540:18:56

R for reintegrated return to work. Brilliant.

0:18:560:19:01

So how do they compare with modern-day pans?

0:19:030:19:07

Well, no, 19 years ago, they had Teflon, just the same.

0:19:070:19:11

But I like that. Makes me think it's not that long ago.

0:19:110:19:16

There.

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It honours our son.

0:19:180:19:21

Beautifully.

0:19:210:19:23

And I'm absolutely certain this is going to be absolutely delicious...

0:19:260:19:30

Thank you.

0:19:320:19:33

Come on.

0:19:330:19:35

Mmm.

0:20:200:20:21

HE SLURPS LOUDLY

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HE MUNCHES NOISILY

0:20:470:20:48

Excuse me.

0:20:540:20:56

-The wine's an exquisite choice.

-Mmm.

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Impeccably chilled.

0:21:100:21:13

Refresh my glass, actually.

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It was on Saturday Kitchen.

0:21:160:21:17

They went to a wine warehouse in Stevenage.

0:21:170:21:20

Recommended it for fish.

0:21:200:21:22

Yes, we've always found their recommendations to be excellent.

0:21:220:21:25

I don't know what it is about the dining room, do you?

0:21:260:21:29

It's just the way you're speaking, Roger, sounds...quite formal?

0:21:290:21:34

Well, one hopes that one...

0:21:340:21:36

No, that's ridiculous. Yes, why am I speaking like this?

0:21:360:21:38

Cos you're on that bicycle now

0:21:380:21:40

and you're speeding downhill with the pedals spinning.

0:21:400:21:43

Odd to be so formal suddenly with one's wife.

0:21:430:21:45

My comment about the wine, for example.

0:21:450:21:47

You'd never have said that if we were in the kitchen.

0:21:470:21:50

-You'd have said, "This is gorgeous, Val. Top us up."

-Yes, I was official. There's no doubt.

0:21:500:21:54

-It's cos we're in the dining room.

-Yes, and normally when we're in here, it's with other people.

0:21:540:21:59

Yes, so you're not hearing someone's eating raised up and isolated,

0:21:590:22:04

put on a platform in a spotlight.

0:22:040:22:08

Right, sorry, is that how you feel I ate?

0:22:080:22:10

No, it's just a normal man shouldn't be amplified to sound like a horse.

0:22:100:22:16

My apologies.

0:22:180:22:19

Roger, it's the acoustics, it's not you.

0:22:190:22:24

Oh, look.

0:22:240:22:27

Well done, Rog.

0:22:270:22:28

Cheers.

0:22:280:22:30

Mmm.

0:22:340:22:36

Dining room...there is a role for its formality.

0:22:360:22:40

I mean, it is the traditional place where one reads a will

0:22:400:22:43

or makes an announcement.

0:22:430:22:45

Chances are you're sitting at the dining room table.

0:22:450:22:48

-Would you rather go into the kitchen for the main course?

-No.

-Mmm.

0:22:480:22:52

Val...

0:22:530:22:56

I hadn't planned this

0:22:560:22:58

because I didn't know we were going to be in the dining room tonight,

0:22:580:23:01

but there's something I need...

0:23:010:23:03

I have an announcement.

0:23:040:23:06

Oh.

0:23:060:23:09

Um...

0:23:090:23:10

Sorry.

0:23:210:23:23

This is really a really delicious meal.

0:23:230:23:26

Are you announcing that you like the meal?

0:23:270:23:29

No, no, no.

0:23:290:23:31

-No, I'm not making myself very clear.

-What?

0:23:310:23:35

W-Well, there's something that I-I have to say. I-I need to.

0:23:350:23:40

Roger, what?

0:23:400:23:42

My-my tribunal is very complex.

0:23:460:23:52

One of its heads...of the multi-headed beast it became...

0:23:520:23:56

..is Jean Duggan.

0:24:000:24:01

I haven't been entirely truthful with you about Jean Duggan.

0:24:040:24:09

Jean, your pensioner stalker?

0:24:090:24:12

Yes.

0:24:120:24:14

Yup, I thought it was unlikely.

0:24:140:24:17

She's not a stalker.

0:24:170:24:19

No.

0:24:190:24:21

And answer me this, Roger Stevenson, is she a pensioner or not?

0:24:210:24:25

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

0:24:250:24:28

No, I have not been remiss in any way.

0:24:280:24:32

-She saw me in the paper because of the tribunal.

-Sorry?

0:24:330:24:36

PAN HISSES

0:24:360:24:37

Oh, the spaghetti!

0:24:370:24:38

PANS CLATTER

0:24:430:24:44

-Ow! Aargh!

-Val?

0:24:440:24:46

Ow! Ow!

0:24:460:24:49

Ooh, Rog, I've burnt myself now,

0:24:490:24:52

because I'm not used to these awful pans.

0:24:520:24:54

-OK, here we go.

-Oh, God, that hurts!

0:24:540:24:57

Put that in there. That's it. Good, OK.

0:24:580:25:01

Come and sit at the kitchen table.

0:25:010:25:03

Good, OK. Hang on.

0:25:030:25:06

Ah, Roger!

0:25:060:25:08

Aloe vera.

0:25:120:25:14

The advantage of having a botanist husband.

0:25:140:25:16

Thanks. Thanks.

0:25:160:25:19

-Can you get my drink for me, Rog?

-Yeah.

0:25:190:25:22

Still got my pint.

0:25:240:25:25

What a great idea that was.

0:25:270:25:30

Ow!

0:25:300:25:32

Oh, thanks.

0:25:330:25:35

What is it, Roger?

0:25:390:25:42

Jean's husband, Vic, has died.

0:25:460:25:50

Vic was a painter and decorator

0:25:500:25:52

and he had a bad back, which was the source of my liaison with Jean.

0:25:520:25:57

How well did you know these people?

0:25:580:26:00

I was a student, obviously.

0:26:020:26:05

My parents had given me a Pringle jumper to go away with,

0:26:050:26:09

which I was never going to wear, so I...I gave it to Vic

0:26:090:26:13

because he sometimes met with his clients at a golf club.

0:26:130:26:16

I don't understand. So you know them really well?

0:26:160:26:20

No, I don't.

0:26:200:26:23

I haven't seen her for 31 years.

0:26:230:26:25

She's got spondylitis.

0:26:250:26:27

What's that?

0:26:270:26:28

I didn't ask. It sounded too painful.

0:26:280:26:31

How did you come to meet up with her again?

0:26:340:26:38

She came here.

0:26:400:26:41

-She's been in this house?

-No, she has not been in this house, not at all.

0:26:410:26:46

She has been outside of this house, and that is all.

0:26:460:26:48

I don't believe you.

0:26:480:26:51

She has been outside of this house.

0:26:510:26:54

-Twice.

-What do you mean?

0:26:540:26:56

Earlier she was at the door, rang the doorbell.

0:26:590:27:01

-No-one's rung on the doorbell.

-Yes, they have.

0:27:010:27:05

You were out getting the pint.

0:27:050:27:07

I thought it was more surprise guests, so I left it.

0:27:070:27:10

What are you trying to tell me, Roger?

0:27:100:27:13

That, um...

0:27:140:27:16

..that the other time that she was outside of the house

0:27:180:27:21

was the night we came back from the wedding the other week.

0:27:210:27:24

She was standing at the end of the drive.

0:27:270:27:31

I didn't know who it was,

0:27:310:27:34

so I went out, and, um...

0:27:340:27:36

..she said to me,

0:27:380:27:41

"You won't remember me,"

0:27:410:27:44

but I managed to hack through the years

0:27:440:27:46

and I recognised her features.

0:27:460:27:49

And, er, she-she said to me...

0:27:520:27:55

What?

0:27:580:27:59

She said that she'd left a note

0:28:040:28:06

and she told me what was in the note,

0:28:060:28:10

and I came back in.

0:28:100:28:12

Is this what's been wrong with you?

0:28:130:28:17

Yeah.

0:28:190:28:20

I have a 31-year-old son called Liam...

0:28:490:28:53

..who's alive.

0:28:540:28:57

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