Pam's Collage Roger and Val Have Just Got In

Nothing I can do.

Yep 7.30.

Yes. Well, I'm unlucky really, aren't I?

Because it's an Italian.

Romano's. I know exactly what Roger's going to say.

He can have soup, no problem, he can have pasta, no problem,

he can have tiramisu, no problem.

And then he's got his first course, his main course and his pudding.

Well and ice cream, that's right, Sue, yeah.

Yep.

Well I don't know. Oh, I'll think of something.

Yep. Yep. All right, Sue.

Yeah, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye, love, bye.

SHE SIGHS

Pam Bagnall.

I will hunt you down and kill you like a dog.

Excuse me.

PHONE BEEPS

What's the password for the Virgin Media account?

Sorry?

The engineer for the internet wants to come about the stand-alone modem.

"Officer dibble"

Yeah, I tried that but it won't let me in.

Er. "Wide-legged trouser 32."

Thank you. I take it that's all in lower case?

Look I'm sorry about this morning I was very uptight.

No, no. I'm sorry.

Dare I ask?

-I got through to the second day.

-Oh, Val!

It's only the second day. I'm containing it.

Can I contain it with a big, broad grin across my face, though? I kept ringing and ringing.

No, I didn't even have my phone with me.

Yeah, I thought as much. Who else got through?

Just the two of us. Me and "Fill In The Blank Yourself."

Mmm. I thought she would. None of the externals?

Nope. Just me and the Bagnall.

Which means, Roger, that the meal tomorrow night really is crucial.

Yeah, yeah. Where is it?

Val? Where's the dinner?

Erm, Romano's.

Ah, Italian! That's great for me.

Yeah. Soup, pasta, tiramisu. There's your three courses, right there.

I'm not at work, so I'll be able to spruce myself up as much as possible,

you know, under the current circumstances.

Mmm. Roger did you manage to get to Boots?

Oh. No good, I'm afraid. They only do temporary fillings.

Oh. Well, I'm going to call Mr Burrows myself.

No, no. Calling Mr Burrows won't make any difference.

They have to send it to a special place.

The whole process takes at least a week.

You would think that Boots would do a false front tooth off the shelf.

They used to be a good shop.

No, Val. What would you buy?

Great, big white one? And, if so, what size?

Well, they sell insoles for trainers.

The least they could do is offer a big foam rubber front tooth

that you can cut round.

That's ridiculous, Val. It would fly out every time you said an "F".

Not soft foam - rubber!

Tough rubber, but that you can still cut round.

So, I don't know, maybe you have to dip it in boiling water.

It's not going to be as hard as a real tooth, but it'd be good enough.

Some non-toxic paints in the kit

so you can get the colour right,

and then a mould you can fit to your own gum.

Stick the rubber tooth in there.

If they sold something like that, I'd have bought it.

Who else is coming?

Head and her husband, Bagnall and her partner,

chairman of the Governors and us.

That's if you, you know, feel up to it with your tooth.

Well, of course I feel up to it.

-Right.

-No!

No, maybe you've got a point, Val, maybe I shouldn't come.

Look, Roger I was just about to say "So, thank goodness it's pasta."

-Yeah, right.

-Roger.

-Excuse me.

And where exactly will we say your tooth is? Do you see my point?

Tomorrow night's not the night to land it on people.

Why would my tooth even need to figure? They might not ask.

Of course they'll ask - it's right in your face!

Oh.

Look, if you come, I want a dignified answer as to where it is.

-How about, "I was in a bad mood and I flossed too vigorously"?

-No!

-OK, OK. Go simpler.

I have gum disease and I bit into an apple.

-I don't believe you.

-Yeah, because it's not true!

I mean, I believe you more than the truth.

I believe you more than that, Roger.

-Yeah!

-Hi, Pam, Roger's tooth?

Yes, it got punched out

by the eldest son of a woman Roger fathered a child with

31 years ago.

Not Roger's actual child, that's Liam,

his elder brother, Gary. Are you keeping up?

I know it's an awful lot to take in,

isn't it? I've only known for a week.

Yes, Pam, and this all happened years before I even met Val.

I didn't know about it, either.

Not true, Pam.

He knew about this a whole week before me,

and he's only told me now because the woman sent him a message

on Facebook saying she was going to drop round and see us.

I would have told you, Val. I would have told you.

Oh, Pam doesn't believe you. No, neither do I, Pam.

I'll have a white wine, please, yes.

Sod the mineral water because this is a lot to take in.

Say the truth, say that he apologised.

He apologised, Pam.

Oh, no. Pam's busy,

she's telling her husband the whole saga under her breath.

Well, before he did it, he said "I don't want to do this, mate,

"I'm doing this for my dead Dad."

How long did you think Pam has got?

She wants to have her dinner. Unbelievable.

I'll tell you what's unbelievable is that if this had happened to you -

this is not my fault! -

if this had happened to you, Val, I would have understood.

-Oh, so it' s my fault now, is it?

-You're not listening to me!

Oh, I am listening! I can do nothing BUT listen to you.

-You're not listening.

-Now, you listen to ME!

-Just listen!

-Be quiet!

-Listen!

-Shut your trap!

-I can do nothing BUT listen...

-I am the person...

-..because I can't get a word in edgeways!

-..saying nothing, so listen!

What is it?

What is it exactly?

It's that...

..you lied to me.

-Well, given the circumstances...

-No!

In league with the mother of your child

that I didn't know you had.

It's that!

And you can't understand at all why I would do that?

Val!

-Val.

-Go away.

What do you know what it's like to have to walk around ASDAs with Jean?

You've been to ASDA with Jean?

I was forced into it they don't have a car.

When? Sorry, that is too much. A cosy little trip to ASDA?

It was a desultory and sad stroll around

with someone that I'm forced to be connected to

that I haven't seen for 30 years, pushing a trolley.

Oh, it's a shame Liam's 31. He could have sat in the seat.

-Oh.

-Yes! Horrible, what I'm seeing.

Listen, I spent the afternoon trying to persuade Jean

not to sell our story to Take A Break magazine.

What are you talking about?

They pay you 50 quid.

"I saw him the paper, he's the father of my son, dot dot dot."

I paid her 50 quid not to do it.

Yeah? Well, then you're stupid, because if she still does it,

she gets another 50 quid, so you can't win there.

Oh, believe me, I'm well aware that I can't win whatever I do,

but for what it's worth, that's why I was in ASDA.

So, you haven't been to the dentist?

HE SIGHS

I phoned Mr Burrows, who told me he couldn't help me for a week.

So I cut my losses, and I tried to head off Jean.

Another lie!

You have not heard a single word I've said - not a word!

-Yeah, well, I'm in shock.

-So am I!

Yeah, but you've had a week longer than me to get used to it!

Do you know what, Val, I don't buy this any more.

I'm sorry, but I really don't.

You've no compassion for my tooth.

And that says to me your heart

is really hard about the whole situation.

I'm looking at you through new eyes.

After what you said about the restaurant.

What did I say?

Oh, just very, even more off with me than you have been.

Because you clearly don't want me to come.

Do you see now, though, Roger, your appalling double standards?

Because just take a little look at them here.

Get lost.

I am supposed to understand your nuclear, fully-grown-man son

that's suddenly appeared,

but you can't see how your tooth appears from my point of view.

-I beg your pardon?

-You've got no tooth for tomorrow night!

Yeah - it's a problem. Yeah, I'll be honest.

Oh, this is just some kind of horrible, sick,

kind of co-dependency, sick thing it's turning into, right now.

Oh, this is so selfish of you, Roger. Putting me through this.

I've got a deputy headship presentation tomorrow morning.

Not that it matters now, because Pam Bagnall's got it in the bag.

-Do you know that or is that just how you feel?

-I know it.

Right. So they've appointed, have they?

Yes. They appointed Pam Bagnall earlier today.

-Did they?

-No, of course they haven't appointed her.

I'm just rehearsing what I will have to say tomorrow,

because that IS what will happen.

And another thing, Roger.

She took a collage in, and I don't know why.

What?

Pam Bagnall. Took a collage into the interview.

Into the interview. What on earth do you mean?

Well, Sue's trying to find out what's on it.

I don't know because it was a rolled up piece of paper.

Well, how do you know it was a collage?

You see this is hearsay, now, and invention

and nerves playing on your...

As she was going into the interview, she went,

"Ah, my collage."

I thought she was being all formal and saying "Ah, my colleague" to me,

but then she picked up the rolled up piece of paper

and I thought "Oh, no! She's talking about that."

-She may well have been saying "colleague."

-She wasn't - she's not French.

No.

The French are collagists - look at Matisse.

I can think of nothing in that deputy headship interview

where I would best give an answer using a collage.

No.

No, Roger. My presentation is flat.

-It's not.

-It is.

I just focus on being head of year, I barely mention food tech.

-You can tweak it.

-No I can't. Pam Bagnall's got a collage.

I'm the one who's going to come unstuck.

Well, that's not what it sounded like when I talked to the head.

What do you mean?

Ah, no. See, I wasn't going to say this to you,

it's the sort of thing you don't like, but it's no problem for others.

-Roger.

-Because it's nothing, is why. Because all that happened, Val...

What have you done?

Well, I couldn't get through to you on your mobile, so I rang the school.

-Today?

-Yeah, yeah. And the head, you know,

as she does sometimes at lunchtime...

picked up the switchboard phone.

You had no business ringing anybody. This has got absolutely

-nothing to do with you.

-Nothing to do with me? This is the major

job interview of my wife's whole life.

Yup. Right. Tell me what you said.

I just said, "Haven't heard from Val - hope it's gone well."

Like that? Like you were desperate to know?

-Like I was leaving a message.

-Right, is that it? Is that all you said?

No, it isn't. Oh, you will probe and probe.

Roger, I am truly about to faint.

Please tell me exactly what you said.

OK. Whole truth.

I said, "Has it?"

I said, "Hope it's all gone well. Has it?" And she said,

"It would be inappropriate for me to discuss that."

That was the only bad bit.

Oh, please. Somebody help me through life.

And I said, "Yes, of course, of course,"

and then we had a normal conversation about the school bonsai trees.

-She won't even have registered it.

-She will!

If it's a close run thing between me and Pam,

something about that will have wormed its way into her head

and she'll think, "Hang on,

-"that Stevenson couple are a pair of nightmares."

-Excuse me.

The head needs to take some responsibility for picking up the switchboard phone.

If that had been me, I'd have thought "I shouldn't do this

"because it compromises people, like Roger."

She won't! She'll think, "Roger Stevenson has rung up

"to find out how it went." All the time tripping me up.

Well, don't allow it to. Marshall your mind. SHE SIGHS

-And if it's as bad as you think it is...

-It is, oh, it really is.

..allow me to accompany you to the dinner to pull it back.

-No, Roger.

-Don't let my mistake, if it is a mistake, ruin it.

Yeah. You're right, actually. Yeah. I'm pulling out.

Actually, why didn't I think of that before!

Yeah, I'm pulling out.

Doesn't matter, anyway, because my life is complete rubbish.

So, yeah. Pulling out.

You can't pull out of the dinner, it's for the candidates.

No, not the dinner, Roger, the whole thing - the whole deputy headship.

-I'm withdrawing.

-No, you can't!

Why not? My husband's been round ASDA with the mother of his child

and ruined my candidacy all in the same day.

Where are you going?

I'm going to e-mail, copy everyone in,

-so there's no doubt including Bagnall.

-No!

Will you excuse me, please?

Val, please do not pull out.

No, I am.

Don't pull out, Val, you'll massively regret it.

No, I am. I am pulling out, and there's nothing you can do about it.

You are this close to a deputy headship, Valerie Stevenson,

I can taste it!

Can you? You must be sucking it up through a straw, then.

"Dear to whom it may concern..."

Val, I am begging you.

"..I regret to have to inform you..."

You're giving me a heart attack.

"..I withdraw my deputy headship application."

This has all blown up over a tooth, and the gap can be plugged.

"After much thought and soul-searching..."

-Not that they care.

-Of course they care, you're brilliant!

No I'm not, I'm quite mediocre, really.

Oh!

"..don't feel I would be up to the job or suited to..."

On extreme medical grounds, you are giving...

I'm asking you to stop.

"..or suited to the post. Best wishes. Val."

Right. Sending it.

No, you're not!

Oh! That doesn't matter at all, because I can just plug it in again.

You arrogant, controlling man who pretends to be a feminist template.

You can't pretend to be a template. Do keep calm.

"Oh, do keep calm!"

Sorry to inform you, Roger, you don't pull that off without a top tooth.

Well I'll give you a tip. Please don't try any of your

immature impersonations with these people,

and I would try to be a bit calmer than this pantomime.

Oh, really? Yeah, because you're

brilliant at keeping calm, aren't you?

And you know why that is, Roger? Because in your heart,

you're very right wing. Very right wing indeed.

HE CHOKES This is coming from my very core.

Too much! You insult my family honour.

Oh, do I? Or do you?

Keep calm, Roger.

My grandfather was a Jarrow marcher.

No, no. I have, myself, twice attended the Durham Miners' Gala.

Bored!

Do you know, I think I'm going to divorce you

and marry an openly right-wing person.

You need to apologise to me in the most profound sense.

Oh, right, do I? Mmm.

Sorry, just slipped out.

A little bit like your phone call to the head.

In the meantime, I'm going to go back in there,

plug it back in and resign.

You're still pulling out?

-Yeah, did you think I didn't mean it? I mean it.

-Don't!

I'm warning you, if you go ahead and do that, I'm divorcing you

and there'll be no way back, because I will.

And I warn you back, Val, I will not allow you to self-destruct

because of me, which I can put right tomorrow night.

You just watch me.

Right, well, my whole presentation was on there, and I'm divorcing you.

Oh, right, that's it. Bring on the big guns, divorce.

I can replace that plug immediately.

And I am calm.

Just quite calmly now dividing up our assets in my head.

Yeah, right, I agree. Go ahead. I think I will divorce you, too,

and I'll tell you why, exactly. Because everything I've done,

including that and lying to you about Liam,

has been done out of love for you, and it's not enough.

Just makes you angry.

PHONE BEEPS

If you'd found out you had a child...

..and you'd found out like I had done,

in a shocking way,

and you had to tell me,

in our circumstances, I would have helped you.

I would have tried to understand.

I wouldn't have been like this.

I wouldn't have done this to you.

Roger.

Roger, I know what was on Pam Bagnall's collage.

Sue's just texted me.

It was a photo montage

of all the trips that Pam has taken the kids on for history.

To show her human side.

Sue says it was called "History, my history."

So...

..it was in fact a, a very good idea.

HE SNIFFS

What on earth are you doing?

-I don't even like them.

-Put it out.

It makes me feel sick.

Where did you get it from?

I bought them this morning after the row

-and to keep me calm for the interview.

-Give it to me.

You know, it's a terrible thing to say, Val, but sometimes...

Mmm. Actually feel quite dizzy.

That's cos you don't smoke.

"Cigarettes kill."

-So what.

-Val.

Insurmountable. Everything.

Is it?

Have you pulled out?

No there's no connection on the laptop, and I'm not going to ring anyone.

Do you want to pull out?

I'll make you a soft pasta for your tea.

I don't believe this.

-Roger, come here, come here, come here.

-What?

What does that look like?

Clove of garlic.

No that's what it is. What it looks like, Roger, is a tooth.

Tooth? Do you know, I've never noticed that before.

If you're not looking...

But the tooth texture is absolutely remarkable.

-How does that help us?

-Go like that.

You see? It's fantastic. Obviously it's far too big,

and I'll need to be accurate to the millimetre,

but we can wedge it in there, don't even need any glue.

Actually, just a minute.

What's happening to it now?

I'm just colouring it with balsamic vinegar.

It'll stand out as not a tooth if it's bright white.

Oh, you are flying now, you are firing on all cylinders.

There is no way that prize will not be yours.

Right, my only difficulty now is the curve of the clove

and the thickness of a human tooth.

Just a minute.

Very flat, yes.

I'm going to use the technique I use

on those very cubic chips.

But of course, you see, it doesn't matter if it overlaps at the back.

Right, try this.

I've got a whole garlic, so we can have plenty of dry runs.

-There. Does that hurt?

-Mmm.

Right, give us a smile.

Well, not a big smile, Roger. Try to control your upper lip.

Hang on.

Mmm. Maybe don't smile, then, Roger.

No. No, after my faux pas... No, that's good, that's good.

Cos I want to appear, you know, serious and in control.

Yep.

Right, so, let's have a look in the hall mirror.

Yeah, I think that's damn passable.

-Is it painful?

-Sore.

-Unbearable?

-No.

-Good.

I'm sorry, Val, but you're a genius.

Well, the huge piece of luck which you cannot plan

is that it's at an Italian.

That's where this idea strikes gold.

-Can I take it out now Val?

-Yeah. But keep it, cos I'll need to use it as a template.

Now, what we must do is get there first.

And then we need to sit at the end of the table.

I'll sit right opposite you, and that way when

you turn to them, they'll only be able to see that one.

Excellent, yeah. Get there early to facilitate seating.

Yep. And what we must do is order the garlic bread

and put it bang in front of you before the others arrive.

I'll take a strategic bite.

Superb.

And what to do Roger,

order the penne, and then spoon it in past the clove tooth,

and then just use your tongue to mash it up.

Actually, no, no. Look, feel free to use your back teeth.

Yeah. Ooh! Sorry. Stabbed.

Benefit is, it's healing.

Mmm. hopefully it might ward off Pam Bagnall.

No, she's one that you think is dead

and she suddenly shoots her hand up

through the ground and grabs your ankle.

Now. Back-up plan.

I'll take a spare, and if at any point in the evening

you think you need it, just give me a little signal, like...

and we'll go off to the toilet together and I will slip it to you.

Yeah, and if the worst comes to the worst and it happens at the table,

I'll just go, "Oh, my tooth! Ha-ha-ha!

"It just fell out! But I won't make a fuss, I'm mature.

-"And Val and me, we're copers."

-Yeah.

MUSIC: "Come Softly To Me" by The Fleetwoods

-# Come softly, darling

-Dum-dum, dum-doo-dum, doo-be-doo

-# Come softly, darling

-Dum-dum, dum-doo-dum, doo-be-doo

-# Come softly, darling

-Dum-dum, dum-doo-dum, doo-be-doo

-# Come softly, darling

-Dum-dum, dum-doo-dum... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]