Pam's Collage Roger and Val Have Just Got In


Pam's Collage

Sitcom following the lives of a couple during their first half-hour home from work. Dental problems put a very important meal in jeopardy.


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Transcript


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Nothing I can do.

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Yep 7.30.

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Yes. Well, I'm unlucky really, aren't I?

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Because it's an Italian.

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Romano's. I know exactly what Roger's going to say.

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He can have soup, no problem, he can have pasta, no problem,

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he can have tiramisu, no problem.

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And then he's got his first course, his main course and his pudding.

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Well and ice cream, that's right, Sue, yeah.

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Yep.

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Well I don't know. Oh, I'll think of something.

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Yep. Yep. All right, Sue.

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Yeah, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye, love, bye.

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SHE SIGHS

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Pam Bagnall.

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I will hunt you down and kill you like a dog.

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Excuse me.

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PHONE BEEPS

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What's the password for the Virgin Media account?

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Sorry?

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The engineer for the internet wants to come about the stand-alone modem.

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"Officer dibble"

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Yeah, I tried that but it won't let me in.

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Er. "Wide-legged trouser 32."

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Thank you. I take it that's all in lower case?

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Look I'm sorry about this morning I was very uptight.

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No, no. I'm sorry.

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Dare I ask?

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-I got through to the second day.

-Oh, Val!

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It's only the second day. I'm containing it.

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Can I contain it with a big, broad grin across my face, though? I kept ringing and ringing.

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No, I didn't even have my phone with me.

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Yeah, I thought as much. Who else got through?

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Just the two of us. Me and "Fill In The Blank Yourself."

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Mmm. I thought she would. None of the externals?

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Nope. Just me and the Bagnall.

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Which means, Roger, that the meal tomorrow night really is crucial.

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Yeah, yeah. Where is it?

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Val? Where's the dinner?

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Erm, Romano's.

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Ah, Italian! That's great for me.

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Yeah. Soup, pasta, tiramisu. There's your three courses, right there.

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I'm not at work, so I'll be able to spruce myself up as much as possible,

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you know, under the current circumstances.

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Mmm. Roger did you manage to get to Boots?

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Oh. No good, I'm afraid. They only do temporary fillings.

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Oh. Well, I'm going to call Mr Burrows myself.

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No, no. Calling Mr Burrows won't make any difference.

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They have to send it to a special place.

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The whole process takes at least a week.

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You would think that Boots would do a false front tooth off the shelf.

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They used to be a good shop.

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No, Val. What would you buy?

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Great, big white one? And, if so, what size?

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Well, they sell insoles for trainers.

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The least they could do is offer a big foam rubber front tooth

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that you can cut round.

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That's ridiculous, Val. It would fly out every time you said an "F".

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Not soft foam - rubber!

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Tough rubber, but that you can still cut round.

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So, I don't know, maybe you have to dip it in boiling water.

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It's not going to be as hard as a real tooth, but it'd be good enough.

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Some non-toxic paints in the kit

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so you can get the colour right,

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and then a mould you can fit to your own gum.

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Stick the rubber tooth in there.

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If they sold something like that, I'd have bought it.

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Who else is coming?

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Head and her husband, Bagnall and her partner,

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chairman of the Governors and us.

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That's if you, you know, feel up to it with your tooth.

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Well, of course I feel up to it.

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-Right.

-No!

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No, maybe you've got a point, Val, maybe I shouldn't come.

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Look, Roger I was just about to say "So, thank goodness it's pasta."

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-Yeah, right.

-Roger.

-Excuse me.

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And where exactly will we say your tooth is? Do you see my point?

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Tomorrow night's not the night to land it on people.

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Why would my tooth even need to figure? They might not ask.

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Of course they'll ask - it's right in your face!

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Oh.

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Look, if you come, I want a dignified answer as to where it is.

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-How about, "I was in a bad mood and I flossed too vigorously"?

-No!

-OK, OK. Go simpler.

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I have gum disease and I bit into an apple.

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-I don't believe you.

-Yeah, because it's not true!

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I mean, I believe you more than the truth.

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I believe you more than that, Roger.

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-Yeah!

-Hi, Pam, Roger's tooth?

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Yes, it got punched out

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by the eldest son of a woman Roger fathered a child with

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31 years ago.

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Not Roger's actual child, that's Liam,

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his elder brother, Gary. Are you keeping up?

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I know it's an awful lot to take in,

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isn't it? I've only known for a week.

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Yes, Pam, and this all happened years before I even met Val.

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I didn't know about it, either.

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Not true, Pam.

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He knew about this a whole week before me,

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and he's only told me now because the woman sent him a message

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on Facebook saying she was going to drop round and see us.

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I would have told you, Val. I would have told you.

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Oh, Pam doesn't believe you. No, neither do I, Pam.

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I'll have a white wine, please, yes.

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Sod the mineral water because this is a lot to take in.

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Say the truth, say that he apologised.

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He apologised, Pam.

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Oh, no. Pam's busy,

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she's telling her husband the whole saga under her breath.

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Well, before he did it, he said "I don't want to do this, mate,

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"I'm doing this for my dead Dad."

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How long did you think Pam has got?

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She wants to have her dinner. Unbelievable.

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I'll tell you what's unbelievable is that if this had happened to you -

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this is not my fault! -

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if this had happened to you, Val, I would have understood.

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-Oh, so it' s my fault now, is it?

-You're not listening to me!

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Oh, I am listening! I can do nothing BUT listen to you.

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-You're not listening.

-Now, you listen to ME!

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-Just listen!

-Be quiet!

-Listen!

-Shut your trap!

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-I can do nothing BUT listen...

-I am the person...

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-..because I can't get a word in edgeways!

-..saying nothing, so listen!

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What is it?

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What is it exactly?

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It's that...

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..you lied to me.

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-Well, given the circumstances...

-No!

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In league with the mother of your child

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that I didn't know you had.

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It's that!

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And you can't understand at all why I would do that?

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Val!

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-Val.

-Go away.

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What do you know what it's like to have to walk around ASDAs with Jean?

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You've been to ASDA with Jean?

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I was forced into it they don't have a car.

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When? Sorry, that is too much. A cosy little trip to ASDA?

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It was a desultory and sad stroll around

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with someone that I'm forced to be connected to

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that I haven't seen for 30 years, pushing a trolley.

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Oh, it's a shame Liam's 31. He could have sat in the seat.

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-Oh.

-Yes! Horrible, what I'm seeing.

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Listen, I spent the afternoon trying to persuade Jean

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not to sell our story to Take A Break magazine.

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What are you talking about?

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They pay you 50 quid.

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"I saw him the paper, he's the father of my son, dot dot dot."

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I paid her 50 quid not to do it.

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Yeah? Well, then you're stupid, because if she still does it,

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she gets another 50 quid, so you can't win there.

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Oh, believe me, I'm well aware that I can't win whatever I do,

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but for what it's worth, that's why I was in ASDA.

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So, you haven't been to the dentist?

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HE SIGHS

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I phoned Mr Burrows, who told me he couldn't help me for a week.

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So I cut my losses, and I tried to head off Jean.

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Another lie!

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You have not heard a single word I've said - not a word!

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-Yeah, well, I'm in shock.

-So am I!

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Yeah, but you've had a week longer than me to get used to it!

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Do you know what, Val, I don't buy this any more.

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I'm sorry, but I really don't.

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You've no compassion for my tooth.

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And that says to me your heart

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is really hard about the whole situation.

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I'm looking at you through new eyes.

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After what you said about the restaurant.

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What did I say?

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Oh, just very, even more off with me than you have been.

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Because you clearly don't want me to come.

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Do you see now, though, Roger, your appalling double standards?

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Because just take a little look at them here.

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Get lost.

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I am supposed to understand your nuclear, fully-grown-man son

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that's suddenly appeared,

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but you can't see how your tooth appears from my point of view.

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-I beg your pardon?

-You've got no tooth for tomorrow night!

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Yeah - it's a problem. Yeah, I'll be honest.

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Oh, this is just some kind of horrible, sick,

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kind of co-dependency, sick thing it's turning into, right now.

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Oh, this is so selfish of you, Roger. Putting me through this.

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I've got a deputy headship presentation tomorrow morning.

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Not that it matters now, because Pam Bagnall's got it in the bag.

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-Do you know that or is that just how you feel?

-I know it.

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Right. So they've appointed, have they?

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Yes. They appointed Pam Bagnall earlier today.

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-Did they?

-No, of course they haven't appointed her.

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I'm just rehearsing what I will have to say tomorrow,

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because that IS what will happen.

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And another thing, Roger.

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She took a collage in, and I don't know why.

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What?

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Pam Bagnall. Took a collage into the interview.

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Into the interview. What on earth do you mean?

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Well, Sue's trying to find out what's on it.

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I don't know because it was a rolled up piece of paper.

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Well, how do you know it was a collage?

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You see this is hearsay, now, and invention

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and nerves playing on your...

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As she was going into the interview, she went,

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"Ah, my collage."

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I thought she was being all formal and saying "Ah, my colleague" to me,

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but then she picked up the rolled up piece of paper

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and I thought "Oh, no! She's talking about that."

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-She may well have been saying "colleague."

-She wasn't - she's not French.

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No.

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The French are collagists - look at Matisse.

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I can think of nothing in that deputy headship interview

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where I would best give an answer using a collage.

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No.

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No, Roger. My presentation is flat.

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-It's not.

-It is.

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I just focus on being head of year, I barely mention food tech.

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-You can tweak it.

-No I can't. Pam Bagnall's got a collage.

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I'm the one who's going to come unstuck.

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Well, that's not what it sounded like when I talked to the head.

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What do you mean?

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Ah, no. See, I wasn't going to say this to you,

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it's the sort of thing you don't like, but it's no problem for others.

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-Roger.

-Because it's nothing, is why. Because all that happened, Val...

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What have you done?

0:13:230:13:24

Well, I couldn't get through to you on your mobile, so I rang the school.

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-Today?

-Yeah, yeah. And the head, you know,

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as she does sometimes at lunchtime...

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picked up the switchboard phone.

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You had no business ringing anybody. This has got absolutely

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-nothing to do with you.

-Nothing to do with me? This is the major

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job interview of my wife's whole life.

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Yup. Right. Tell me what you said.

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I just said, "Haven't heard from Val - hope it's gone well."

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Like that? Like you were desperate to know?

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-Like I was leaving a message.

-Right, is that it? Is that all you said?

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No, it isn't. Oh, you will probe and probe.

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Roger, I am truly about to faint.

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Please tell me exactly what you said.

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OK. Whole truth.

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I said, "Has it?"

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I said, "Hope it's all gone well. Has it?" And she said,

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"It would be inappropriate for me to discuss that."

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That was the only bad bit.

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Oh, please. Somebody help me through life.

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And I said, "Yes, of course, of course,"

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and then we had a normal conversation about the school bonsai trees.

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-She won't even have registered it.

-She will!

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If it's a close run thing between me and Pam,

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something about that will have wormed its way into her head

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and she'll think, "Hang on,

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-"that Stevenson couple are a pair of nightmares."

-Excuse me.

0:14:510:14:55

The head needs to take some responsibility for picking up the switchboard phone.

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If that had been me, I'd have thought "I shouldn't do this

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"because it compromises people, like Roger."

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She won't! She'll think, "Roger Stevenson has rung up

0:15:050:15:10

"to find out how it went." All the time tripping me up.

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Well, don't allow it to. Marshall your mind. SHE SIGHS

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-And if it's as bad as you think it is...

-It is, oh, it really is.

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..allow me to accompany you to the dinner to pull it back.

0:15:210:15:24

-No, Roger.

-Don't let my mistake, if it is a mistake, ruin it.

0:15:240:15:28

Yeah. You're right, actually. Yeah. I'm pulling out.

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Actually, why didn't I think of that before!

0:15:330:15:36

Yeah, I'm pulling out.

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Doesn't matter, anyway, because my life is complete rubbish.

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So, yeah. Pulling out.

0:15:410:15:42

You can't pull out of the dinner, it's for the candidates.

0:15:420:15:45

No, not the dinner, Roger, the whole thing - the whole deputy headship.

0:15:450:15:48

-I'm withdrawing.

-No, you can't!

0:15:480:15:51

Why not? My husband's been round ASDA with the mother of his child

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and ruined my candidacy all in the same day.

0:15:540:15:57

Where are you going?

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I'm going to e-mail, copy everyone in,

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-so there's no doubt including Bagnall.

-No!

0:16:020:16:05

Will you excuse me, please?

0:16:050:16:08

Val, please do not pull out.

0:16:100:16:12

No, I am.

0:16:120:16:13

Don't pull out, Val, you'll massively regret it.

0:16:130:16:16

No, I am. I am pulling out, and there's nothing you can do about it.

0:16:160:16:21

You are this close to a deputy headship, Valerie Stevenson,

0:16:210:16:24

I can taste it!

0:16:240:16:25

Can you? You must be sucking it up through a straw, then.

0:16:250:16:29

"Dear to whom it may concern..."

0:16:290:16:33

Val, I am begging you.

0:16:330:16:35

"..I regret to have to inform you..."

0:16:350:16:38

You're giving me a heart attack.

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"..I withdraw my deputy headship application."

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This has all blown up over a tooth, and the gap can be plugged.

0:16:430:16:47

"After much thought and soul-searching..."

0:16:470:16:49

-Not that they care.

-Of course they care, you're brilliant!

0:16:490:16:53

No I'm not, I'm quite mediocre, really.

0:16:530:16:55

Oh!

0:16:550:16:57

"..don't feel I would be up to the job or suited to..."

0:16:570:17:01

On extreme medical grounds, you are giving...

0:17:010:17:04

I'm asking you to stop.

0:17:040:17:05

"..or suited to the post. Best wishes. Val."

0:17:050:17:09

Right. Sending it.

0:17:090:17:11

No, you're not!

0:17:110:17:14

Oh! That doesn't matter at all, because I can just plug it in again.

0:17:140:17:19

You arrogant, controlling man who pretends to be a feminist template.

0:17:190:17:24

You can't pretend to be a template. Do keep calm.

0:17:240:17:27

"Oh, do keep calm!"

0:17:270:17:28

Sorry to inform you, Roger, you don't pull that off without a top tooth.

0:17:280:17:32

Well I'll give you a tip. Please don't try any of your

0:17:320:17:34

immature impersonations with these people,

0:17:340:17:37

and I would try to be a bit calmer than this pantomime.

0:17:370:17:40

Oh, really? Yeah, because you're

0:17:400:17:42

brilliant at keeping calm, aren't you?

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And you know why that is, Roger? Because in your heart,

0:17:450:17:48

you're very right wing. Very right wing indeed.

0:17:480:17:53

HE CHOKES This is coming from my very core.

0:17:530:17:56

Too much! You insult my family honour.

0:17:570:18:00

Oh, do I? Or do you?

0:18:000:18:02

Keep calm, Roger.

0:18:020:18:04

My grandfather was a Jarrow marcher.

0:18:040:18:06

No, no. I have, myself, twice attended the Durham Miners' Gala.

0:18:060:18:10

Bored!

0:18:100:18:13

Do you know, I think I'm going to divorce you

0:18:130:18:15

and marry an openly right-wing person.

0:18:150:18:18

You need to apologise to me in the most profound sense.

0:18:180:18:22

Oh, right, do I? Mmm.

0:18:220:18:25

Sorry, just slipped out.

0:18:250:18:28

A little bit like your phone call to the head.

0:18:280:18:30

In the meantime, I'm going to go back in there,

0:18:300:18:32

plug it back in and resign.

0:18:320:18:35

You're still pulling out?

0:18:350:18:37

-Yeah, did you think I didn't mean it? I mean it.

-Don't!

0:18:370:18:40

I'm warning you, if you go ahead and do that, I'm divorcing you

0:19:000:19:04

and there'll be no way back, because I will.

0:19:040:19:06

And I warn you back, Val, I will not allow you to self-destruct

0:19:060:19:10

because of me, which I can put right tomorrow night.

0:19:100:19:12

You just watch me.

0:19:120:19:14

Right, well, my whole presentation was on there, and I'm divorcing you.

0:19:170:19:21

Oh, right, that's it. Bring on the big guns, divorce.

0:19:210:19:24

I can replace that plug immediately.

0:19:240:19:26

And I am calm.

0:19:260:19:28

Just quite calmly now dividing up our assets in my head.

0:19:280:19:31

Yeah, right, I agree. Go ahead. I think I will divorce you, too,

0:19:310:19:34

and I'll tell you why, exactly. Because everything I've done,

0:19:340:19:37

including that and lying to you about Liam,

0:19:370:19:39

has been done out of love for you, and it's not enough.

0:19:390:19:43

Just makes you angry.

0:19:430:19:45

PHONE BEEPS

0:19:450:19:47

If you'd found out you had a child...

0:19:520:19:54

..and you'd found out like I had done,

0:19:560:19:58

in a shocking way,

0:19:580:20:01

and you had to tell me,

0:20:010:20:02

in our circumstances, I would have helped you.

0:20:040:20:07

I would have tried to understand.

0:20:090:20:11

I wouldn't have been like this.

0:20:120:20:15

I wouldn't have done this to you.

0:20:170:20:20

Roger.

0:20:560:20:57

Roger, I know what was on Pam Bagnall's collage.

0:20:590:21:03

Sue's just texted me.

0:21:050:21:07

It was a photo montage

0:21:120:21:14

of all the trips that Pam has taken the kids on for history.

0:21:140:21:18

To show her human side.

0:21:180:21:20

Sue says it was called "History, my history."

0:21:260:21:30

So...

0:21:340:21:35

..it was in fact a, a very good idea.

0:21:360:21:39

HE SNIFFS

0:22:000:22:02

What on earth are you doing?

0:22:110:22:13

-I don't even like them.

-Put it out.

0:22:130:22:15

It makes me feel sick.

0:22:150:22:17

Where did you get it from?

0:22:170:22:18

I bought them this morning after the row

0:22:180:22:21

-and to keep me calm for the interview.

-Give it to me.

0:22:210:22:24

You know, it's a terrible thing to say, Val, but sometimes...

0:22:300:22:33

Mmm. Actually feel quite dizzy.

0:22:330:22:36

That's cos you don't smoke.

0:22:360:22:37

"Cigarettes kill."

0:22:420:22:44

-So what.

-Val.

0:22:460:22:49

Insurmountable. Everything.

0:23:090:23:13

Is it?

0:23:130:23:14

Have you pulled out?

0:23:150:23:17

No there's no connection on the laptop, and I'm not going to ring anyone.

0:23:170:23:20

Do you want to pull out?

0:23:200:23:22

I'll make you a soft pasta for your tea.

0:23:260:23:29

I don't believe this.

0:23:590:24:01

-Roger, come here, come here, come here.

-What?

0:24:010:24:04

What does that look like?

0:24:060:24:08

Clove of garlic.

0:24:080:24:09

No that's what it is. What it looks like, Roger, is a tooth.

0:24:090:24:14

Tooth? Do you know, I've never noticed that before.

0:24:140:24:17

If you're not looking...

0:24:170:24:18

But the tooth texture is absolutely remarkable.

0:24:180:24:22

-How does that help us?

-Go like that.

0:24:220:24:25

You see? It's fantastic. Obviously it's far too big,

0:24:250:24:27

and I'll need to be accurate to the millimetre,

0:24:270:24:30

but we can wedge it in there, don't even need any glue.

0:24:300:24:34

Actually, just a minute.

0:24:340:24:36

What's happening to it now?

0:24:450:24:47

I'm just colouring it with balsamic vinegar.

0:24:470:24:50

It'll stand out as not a tooth if it's bright white.

0:24:510:24:54

Oh, you are flying now, you are firing on all cylinders.

0:24:540:24:58

There is no way that prize will not be yours.

0:24:580:25:01

Right, my only difficulty now is the curve of the clove

0:25:010:25:06

and the thickness of a human tooth.

0:25:060:25:09

Just a minute.

0:25:090:25:12

Very flat, yes.

0:25:120:25:14

I'm going to use the technique I use

0:25:140:25:17

on those very cubic chips.

0:25:170:25:21

But of course, you see, it doesn't matter if it overlaps at the back.

0:25:210:25:24

Right, try this.

0:25:280:25:30

I've got a whole garlic, so we can have plenty of dry runs.

0:25:310:25:35

-There. Does that hurt?

-Mmm.

0:25:350:25:37

Right, give us a smile.

0:25:370:25:40

Well, not a big smile, Roger. Try to control your upper lip.

0:25:400:25:43

Hang on.

0:25:430:25:44

Mmm. Maybe don't smile, then, Roger.

0:25:450:25:48

No. No, after my faux pas... No, that's good, that's good.

0:25:480:25:53

Cos I want to appear, you know, serious and in control.

0:25:530:25:56

Yep.

0:25:560:25:57

Right, so, let's have a look in the hall mirror.

0:25:570:26:01

Yeah, I think that's damn passable.

0:26:080:26:12

-Is it painful?

-Sore.

-Unbearable?

-No.

-Good.

0:26:120:26:16

I'm sorry, Val, but you're a genius.

0:26:180:26:21

Well, the huge piece of luck which you cannot plan

0:26:220:26:26

is that it's at an Italian.

0:26:260:26:29

That's where this idea strikes gold.

0:26:290:26:32

-Can I take it out now Val?

-Yeah. But keep it, cos I'll need to use it as a template.

0:26:320:26:36

Now, what we must do is get there first.

0:26:390:26:42

And then we need to sit at the end of the table.

0:26:420:26:44

I'll sit right opposite you, and that way when

0:26:440:26:47

you turn to them, they'll only be able to see that one.

0:26:470:26:50

Excellent, yeah. Get there early to facilitate seating.

0:26:500:26:53

Yep. And what we must do is order the garlic bread

0:26:530:26:56

and put it bang in front of you before the others arrive.

0:26:560:26:59

I'll take a strategic bite.

0:26:590:27:00

Superb.

0:27:000:27:02

And what to do Roger,

0:27:020:27:04

order the penne, and then spoon it in past the clove tooth,

0:27:040:27:07

and then just use your tongue to mash it up.

0:27:070:27:10

Actually, no, no. Look, feel free to use your back teeth.

0:27:100:27:13

Yeah. Ooh! Sorry. Stabbed.

0:27:130:27:16

Benefit is, it's healing.

0:27:160:27:19

Mmm. hopefully it might ward off Pam Bagnall.

0:27:190:27:21

No, she's one that you think is dead

0:27:210:27:23

and she suddenly shoots her hand up

0:27:230:27:25

through the ground and grabs your ankle.

0:27:250:27:27

Now. Back-up plan.

0:27:290:27:32

I'll take a spare, and if at any point in the evening

0:27:320:27:36

you think you need it, just give me a little signal, like...

0:27:360:27:40

and we'll go off to the toilet together and I will slip it to you.

0:27:400:27:43

Yeah, and if the worst comes to the worst and it happens at the table,

0:27:430:27:46

I'll just go, "Oh, my tooth! Ha-ha-ha!

0:27:460:27:49

"It just fell out! But I won't make a fuss, I'm mature.

0:27:490:27:53

-"And Val and me, we're copers."

-Yeah.

0:27:530:27:57

MUSIC: "Come Softly To Me" by The Fleetwoods

0:28:020:28:05

-# Come softly, darling

-Dum-dum, dum-doo-dum, doo-be-doo

0:28:090:28:13

-# Come softly, darling

-Dum-dum, dum-doo-dum, doo-be-doo

0:28:130:28:17

-# Come softly, darling

-Dum-dum, dum-doo-dum, doo-be-doo

0:28:170:28:21

-# Come softly, darling

-Dum-dum, dum-doo-dum... #

0:28:210:28:24

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:250:28:28

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:280:28:31

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