Poem for Uncle Jack Roger and Val Have Just Got In

Roger's fighting unfair dismissal

and I'm on a shortlist for a Deputy Headship! Woo!

But, Roger, you've won.

So, Rog, all of this is over.

Huh. It's over.

It's over!

I have a 31-year-old son called Liam...

..who's alive.

-I'm through to the second day.

-Oh, Val!

Well, it's only the second day. I'm containing it.

-Who else got through?

-Pam Bagnall.

I will hunt you down and kill you like a dog.

-You lied to me.

-Well, given the circumstance...

-No!

In league with the mother of your child that I didn't know you had.

-You were fine in the taxi.

-Don't speak to me.

-Oh...

Are you OK?

Oh! Ooh, I can't breathe. I can't get my breath.

You can't get your breath?

-I know I look contorted, I'm just trying to yawn!

-Stop speaking then.

Don't speak to me. You're breaking my concentration.

Ah, no good. I just need to yawn.

Shall I see if we've got any Otravine. Is your nose blocked?

-It won't help me. Won't help me.

-Well, are you OK?

Stop asking me if I'm OK, I haven't got the breath to spare.

Right, right, sit down on the stairs. Can you do that, Roger?

-Oooh. Panic attack.

-There's no point saying, "Panic attack!"

You're just winding yourself up more.

There'll be a reason why he didn't come.

-It's not Liam, it's a panic att...

-Stop panicking!

Just don't panic!

For God's sake, it's as if you're having a heart attack!

I'm not!

Liam will have got mixed up. He'll have gone to the wrong pub.

Here. Breathe into this, Roger.

-Oh! I thought a bird...

-No! Paper bag.

It was good, wasn't it? Sitting in the noisy pub

waiting for your son you've suddenly got! Sorry, Roger.

-Eh?

-Well, it's just I'm not having a panic attack, am I?

And I'm the one that's massively entitled. Had to say that. Sorry!

Oooh, I just want to yawn. I'm desperate to yawn. Urgh! Urgh!

It's not because Liam forgot. He just didn't want to come.

No, you don't know that. We don't know him.

Oh! Why don't you look at the light-bulb, Roger?

-That's a sneeze.

-Oh.

-PHONE RINGS

-Liam. Liam!

Hello? Oh, hello, Barbara.

Look, I'm in the middle of a panic attack. Let me pass you to Val.

Hello, Barbara. Can I ring you back?

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

When? Oh, dear.

No, no, you can't go down that road, Barbara.

Well, you were separated,

he could have lived for another ten years...but he hasn't. Mmm.

But you didn't know that when you refused, you see.

KNOCK ON DOOR

With the best will in the world, Barbara, yes.

Barbara, will you just excuse me a minute, please?

There's someone at the front door! Yes, sorry, Barbara.

Liam! Liam!

Barbara, there's major nicky-knocky-nye door activity

-in our area.

-Val! Help me, please!

Barbara, I'm really sorry. I'm going to have to go,

So, sympathy. So sorry, yeah.

Yeah, really am very sorry.

Yeah, I have to go, Barbara.

Yes. Barbara, listen! I have to go. Rest in peace. Bye-bye.

Roger!

Liam!

Roger! Ohhh.

Gone.

Gone. Oh, Val. Val.

-Was it him, Roger?

-I think it was him.

-Did you see him?

-No. But it was.

-Thank you.

-Oh, Rog! And you're wet through!

-It was him, Val.

-Maybe he'll be back later.

I don't think he will.

Did you not hear me? I was doing that.

Oh. He'd be here now. Come and get dried, Rog.

No, I know, I know. What did Barbara want?

-Uncle Jack's died.

-Right.

I hope Liam didn't think we were in because the lights were on.

Typical Barbara! We don't even know Uncle Jack.

We DO know him. He's your uncle.

He's the estranged husband of my dad's cousin Barbara.

Uncle is stretching it.

Well, we call him Uncle Jack.

-Could you pick him out in a line-up?

-Uh...yeah.

Well, I couldn't. Not unless the line-up was in context,

Auntie Nelly's blue settee and he was sitting bang next to Barbara.

I'd say, "Yep, that's him. I'd recognise him anywhere."

If I passed him on the street, I wouldn't.

Well, he's not in kill-the-fatted-calf territory, no.

No, but Liam is. You're his dad.

Well, you're his biological dad. I don't know what you are.

We don't know Liam either. I've met him once.

OK, OK.

-Well, what about this? Has Liam got a car?

-Yeah.

See. You know that.

I wish he was our son.

The advantage there is we'd know him.

Tim and Cath Hooper got divorced just because they moved house

-and don't like it.

-Yeah.

Well, we haven't done that! With all this.

People run for the bus at different speeds.

We've lost a son, so finding a son...

How can I have a son with another woman and not with you?

Well, I can think it was 12 years before I met you

but you were still mine.

Even though I didn't know you. Oh, I didn't know you but I did.

And even if I missed the time and somebody else had got you,

you'd still be mine, Roger. You'd have maybe come across me

when I brought a school trip to the Winter Gardens

and we'd get on far too well and I'd go home to my other husband

that isn't you, Roger, and our seven alive kids, but even then, I'd know.

Thank you, Val.

Because I often think I'm a wanker.

You know, really, I'm... Oh, shut up, Roger.

I disgust myself with my endless self-analysis

which only contributes to my neurosis in the long run.

D'you think I'm like that?

I'm stupid. No wonder Liam didn't want to come to the pub.

You've only met him once, at his mum's house, and you didn't say much.

That can't be the reason he didn't come.

But I'm not a very surprising person! After a very short time,

-people know me quite well.

-I think that's a good thing.

There's nothing hidden.

My stupid broad strokes, strong likes, prejudices!

Hmmph! Snore!

No, I'm sorry. I would not want to be my son.

When Liam gets to know you, you will be a wonderful dad.

-Now come on! Do you want some pyjamas?

-Yeah.

Are those the only pyjamas I've got clean?

Well, d'you want them or a track suit?

No, I'll have the pyjamas. Christ, what a fool is man.

These are your only pyjamas clean on a night like this.

I've just been saying gorgeous things to you.

I just don't think you can be a dad to someone who's already 31.

Well, be an uncle figure, then!

Yeah, like Uncle Jack whose funeral we're not going to.

Roger! I am going to the funeral, actually. It's on Saturday.

Yeah, on Saturday, I'm opening all the post

I couldn't face during the tribunal and there's a lot.

Well, I'll go on the train.

There's engineering works at the weekend.

You're going to have to figure out whether you mourn him enough

-to sit on a bus replacement service.

-Oh, poor Jack.

-Yeah. Wasn't there...? Didn't he...?

-Yeah.

Dad saw him at the Liberal Club with his arms around two women.

-He wasn't supposed to tell Barbara, but everybody knew.

-That's right.

Oh, good. I don't think my nerves could cope with a cork.

Oh, Val, your phone's blinking.

It won't be Liam. He hasn't got my number.

It'll be Barbara, I'll ring her back.

-Oh, please, let's not do that now.

-No. Although you should ring Liam.

Oh!

Hang on. This is Pam Bagnall.

-Eh?

-Yeah, she's left me a message at 21.13.

I'll bet she's drunk, celebrating, calling to gloat.

-How low.

-Yeah.

Oh.

She doesn't know she's rung me.

Who's that in the background?

-She's in Sainsbury's.

-What?

-Just a minute.

-But your name's way down her alphabet. V!

-Shh-shh!

-Oh, she's called you by mistake.

-No, no, no, no, no.

Pam Bagnall, according to the evidence

I now have in my possession, is addicted to Nurofen Plus.

Give me the phone.

-Who's that she's speaking to?

-Mr Bagnall.

Yeah, I recognise his voice from the restaurant last week.

-36 Nurofen Plus!

-Yeah, but keep listening!

Does she say, "You get the extra two boxes.

-"He won't serve me with any more Nurofen Plus?"

-Yeah.

That's her talking to the pharmacist at Sainsbury's!

-She doesn't know she's phoned you!

-No!

-This is dynamite, Val.

-How?

-Well, she's addicted to Nurofen Plus.

Yeah. So what?

This could all be tied in with the Deputy Headship dirty tricks.

Yes, but even so, Nurofen Plus are legal.

No, Roger. I can't touch her. She's got the Deputy Headship.

How is this going to help me?

You have knowledge about Pam Bagnall that you did not have before.

No, I certainly did not. It's a very telling insight.

Knowledge is power with a person.

I'm just trying to think how to use it. I'll come up with something.

You shouldn't be so desperate for a box of Nurofen Plus

-unless something's wrong with you.

-Is there something wrong with her?

Not that I know of.

-Is she experiencing pain down her left side?

-No.

-Frequent headaches, loss of vision, anything like that?

-No.

-Has she signed the contract of work?

-I don't know. She starts next week.

-You see, I'm thinking, if she dies in post...

-Roger!

No, I think it's far more likely that she got addicted to them

-during the stress of the Deputy Headship race.

-She's addicted.

Someone who goes out in this weather for something is desperate.

-Roger, if we're going to talk about the Deputy Headship...

-We are not.

..I'm going to ask you to crush up half an aspirin.

The woman is a silent assassin!

-Roger.

-Enough.

Roger, if you would join me, please.

Rest in peace, Uncle Jack.

Uncle Jack.

RAIN IS POURING

Why did you do that?

Just in case he comes back. Just...

Instinct?

Yeah. Just a minute.

There he is.

He's in his car. Is that Liam?

Yes.

Right. I need you to stay calm now, Roger.

I absolutely understand this. It's like an animal smelling its parent.

-Yeah.

-Opening the door was great. It was great that you did that!

-Why?

-Well, it's instinct.

I need you to do exactly as I say. Put the lamps on.

Please help me. I feel frightened.

No, no. Allow him his family instinct.

He needs to see you, he needs to see us.

Right, come back to the window.

Let him see that it's all right.

This is much better than meeting in the pub. He's right, now just...

Hi there.

I understand. I'm not coming out.

Look like a person, Roger, not a puppet!

Oh, look! He's like you. He's nervous.

Ohh!

I'm very keen to come across like the stepmother you'd want.

-Not like the horrible Baroness in The Sound Of Music.

-You will.

I want to be like Julie Andrews.

And you can be the, um...oh, the Uncle Max.

-Eh?

-Uncle Max?

From The Sound of Music. Uncle Max from Salzburg.

The one that brings the puppet show! The one that the children like.

-Oh, right.

-Yeah.

He's funny. The Uncle Max is funny. Pull a funny face.

Yeah.

No, hang on, hang on. Uncle Max is criminally un-political

in Nazi-occupied Austria!

Yeah, give it a rest for once in your life, Roger.

Fine, yeah, I agree, yeah. I've done a funny face.

OK.

You know, I'm not sure people should speak at first.

He needs to sense you.

Why didn't we think of it? It's a good idea.

I called his name. I hope he heard.

Julie Andrews on the bed in the storm.

-My God, that film's a work of genius.

-Yeah.

Oh, OK. He's leaving now. CAR ENGINE STARTS

Just very, very encouraging.

# Goodbye! #

He's not waving back.

He's driving off, he's not...

..it's not him.

-What's not?

-The man in the car, it's not Liam.

-What do you mean?

-The man we were waving to, it's not...

-I'm sorry, Val.

-Well, who was it?

-I don't know.

-Roger, who have we been waving at?

-Well, that bloke, whoever he was.

-Why did you think it was Liam?

Val, I've only met him once.

-Anyway, you're the person who said it was him.

-I've never met him!

I don't know! I saw dark hair in a car and I went with you.

Well, he does look quite like the man we were waving at.

I asked you, "Is it him?" You said, "Yes."

-I whispered the yes because I was almost sure!

-Oh!

And almost in these circumstances is...well, you grab what you can!

How much have you had to drink?

No, no, you said that you couldn't spot Uncle Jack in a line-up

-and you've known him for 50 years.

-Well, you need glasses for every day,

and that has confirmed it!

I'm just questioning what that man is doing sitting in a car, watching.

What's he got out of it?

Well, he hasn't set out to mock us. We've mocked ourselves.

Oh, no, Val! Life's mocked us. These pyjamas have made it worse for me.

Yeah, well, we're all human beings, we should help each other out.

If I was that bloke, I'd have got out of the car and I'd have said,

"Look, I don't know you, but, you know, I wish you all the best."

-Wouldn't you?

-I don't know what I would have done.

I'm finished. Done waving.

Can you fill my glass up, please, Roger?

Roger, can you get up off there and fill my glass up? I've had enough.

-Yeah, I have as well.

-Oh!

I wanted it to be Liam and it's dark.

I'm going to put on some pizza cos I'm starving.

Good! Put another one in for me.

OVEN BUTTONS BEEP

Shall I tell you something, though? Out of it.

THAT is why you'd be wasted as a Deputy Head.

-Your communication with young people...superb!

-Mmm.

See, I don't think he was young.

Looking back on it, I should have twigged earlier.

Well, these things start off... everyone has the best intentions

but in three years' time, when Liam's central heating breaks down,

he won't ring me to see if I've got any storage heaters.

Oh, I disagree! Shove up. You'd be the ideal person.

We don't know him.

But, Roger, I don't know Uncle Jack, but he's still my family.

Oh, I'm quite upset now about Uncle Jack dying.

I'm glad the other husband didn't get you.

Yeah. Oh, Roger.

The Deputy Headship. I'm a disappointed woman.

No, because that, what I witnessed there, that instinct from you...

-Yeah.

-I know we're not allowed to mention the job.

No, because there's a void, like there always is with me.

No, but that instinct with people, that!

But, Roger, I got the wrong person.

But you did the right thing.

I'm absolutely gutted.

-No, the word is sabotage.

-Well, we can't be certain it was Bagnall.

-Had you ever mixed them up before?

-No.

-No.

Was Pam Bagnall seen leaving the cookery block that morning?

Yes.

Has Bagnall performed the age-old "saw it on Tom And Jerry when I was two" trick

-of swapping the sugar for the salt?

-I suspect she has.

Yeah, so do I.

Well, everyone's conscience is their own business.

Conscience is the least of her problems.

She's two steps to the side of a place in Broadmoor.

No, Roger, she wants the head's job.

She will then move on to saline poison the whole of the local education authority.

Well, she didn't poison anyone. It was just the interview tea

and coffee, which happened to be the responsibility of Food Tech.

No, the department where her Deputy Headship rival is in charge.

Well, I've got my own opinions about Pam. Not good ones.

But... she probably WAS the best candidate.

No. I will never accept that. No, she was not.

Roger, why didn't I get it?

I was down to the last two.

And now you say Liam's storage heaters won't come back

-and Uncle... What's his name? Oh, God!

-Jack.

-Jack.

Uncle Jack's died. What does it all mean?

Now, Val, no, no, no. I know where you're going, Val.

Just shut up, Roger! I will have it.

Val, please, you know how you get when you listen to this.

MUSIC: "Those Were The Days" by Mary Hopkin

Oh...listen to the insane sorrow.

Val, please, I believe this song to be sick.

Just ants in a long procession, Roger,

that's all we are, but in that long procession there are families.

Kings and queens and workers - class structure even there.

If you would open your eyes, please, Roger.

Oh, I wish Sue was here.

This song is a bit like me and Sue in Food Tech.

Yeah, because we're friends, me and Sue.

We work together very happily and we can leave every day at 3.30.

Can you, Bagnall? You... You Deputy Head.

This song does not look forward at all.

Actually, Roger, if I were the Deputy Head and I was in my office

and I saw Sue making her way over to Food Tech,

and I was listening to this song, I'd have tears pouring down my face.

I'm glad I didn't get it.

Well, there's no way of knowing any days were THE days.

Thus leaving this song essentially meaningless.

Jack's died!

SHE SOBS

-Put it back on.

-Val, you're drunk.

Get off it.

I'm going to get the pizza, Val.

Did I put it in the microwave?

Roger, can you get me a large glass of water immediately now?

Hang on, Rog, listen to this, right. This is my first line.

It's brilliant.

Poem For Uncle Jack.

Oh, Val...

No, that's not the first line, that's the title. No, listen.

Tonight, I find I can quite clearly recall your face...

-That's brilliant.

-Shhh! The small eyes Your bald head

The surprisingly pleasant smile Given your fangs...

Yeah, what were they, Val?

Well, they'd just be overgrown canines, Roger.

You were a Tory Seen in the Liberal club

With your arms round two women So who were you?

-My confusion grows...

-That's fantastic.

And tonight... Oh, actually, no, not tonight,

because the poem needs to be timeless. Hang on.

And this is probably the last time I ever think of you - adieu.

What do you think?

That is fantastic, Val.

Barbara must have that.

She must have a copy of it to be read at the funeral.

No, Barbara can't see it

because it's got the secret about the Liberal club.

Barbara must never see it, ever. Never show that to Barbara.

Sorry, Rog, I think I was getting a bit plastered there

but I've stopped now, just in time.

CAR HORN BEEPS

Val, it's the man in the car.

Who is he?

Oh, my God.

Oh, Val, I'm sorry it IS Liam.

No, it isn't. It's the same man we were waving to before.

Yeah, but I-I-I think it was Liam now. Yes, I'm... It is.

I know it is.

Now that he's out of the car.

Look how tall he is. It's him.

-Oh, Roger...

-See from the side he looks like their family but...

but full on, I mean, look at the height of him, it's him.

Oh, Roger, please be sure because I'm really investing here.

I'm sure now. When I met him before, he wasn't smiling.

What's he pointing at?

Oh.

It's Roses.

With raindrops on. It's one of my favourite things.

Oh, thanks.

He surely can't have known

that we were being The Sound Of Music people, though, can he, Val?

Well, he's clearly very bright and tall.

He doesn't get that from Jean. She's five foot three.

No, you go for the shorter woman.

Roger...

What?

There's a baby seat in the back of his car.

Have you got a baby?

He says yes.

CAR ENGINE STARTS There's a baby.

Oh, Roger, you're going to be so good with the baby

because you do all those funny faces.

Yeah, I'm beginning to think my funny faces were excellent.

Oh, he's a lovely lad. Generous...chocolates.

Let's have a drink. Wet the baby's head.

I'm going to step outside - smell the earth.

Oh, it's stopped raining.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd