The Gift Roger and Val Have Just Got In


The Gift

Sitcom following the lives of a couple during their first half-hour home from work. Something arrives that will change Roger and Val's lives forever.


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Transcript


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PHONE RINGS Liam!

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Hello.

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There's someone at the front door!

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Liam!

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How can I have a son with another woman and not with you?

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And we can leave every day at 3.30. Can you, Bagnall?!

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You! You Deputy Head!

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Has Bagnall performed the age-old "saw it on Tom and Jerry

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"when I was two" trick of swapping the sugar for the salt?

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I suspect she has.

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Yeah.

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Pam Bagnall, according to the evidence

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I now have in my possession, is addicted to Neurofen Plus.

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Give me the phone!

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There he is. He's in his car.

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Is that Liam?

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Yes.

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(Have you got a baby?)

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Oh, he says yes!

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There's a baby!

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Let's have a drink.

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Wet the baby's head.

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KEYS RATTLE IN DOOR

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Roger! You can't leave that there!

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Yeah, can I, can I just get in?

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Traffic's unbelievable, Val.

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There's a lot!

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No, no, some of it's Jean's.

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What's this?

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Oh, I don't know. It's some sort of massive OAP device.

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It's a volumatic spacer.

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It's to be used with her, um, um, um, asthmatic inhaler.

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-I thought you said she had spondylitis?

-Yeah, she has health problems. I don't know!

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-Look, this is massive!

-Well, no, it's free, it's on the prescription.

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Hang on a minute, Jean has got two strapping sons -

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why are you getting her prescriptions?

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Val, I simply... Look, she'll be here in 20 minutes.

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I agreed to get her shopping and her prescription was with it. That's all!

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You're obviously signing for Jean's prescription!

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Sorry, I'm finding all this a little bit creepy. Oh!

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Oh, for God's sake, Val!

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Oh, no, it's split! Oh, no, it actually does come apart.

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Yeah.

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So, please, don't do the whole jealousy thing about a woman

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with no teeth, thanks very much!

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I mean, give me that respect!

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I just thought, you know, must be nice to have more than one lady.

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Oh, she's NOT my lady!

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Oh, Jesus Christ! We sound like a '70s person in a tuxedo

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and a ginormous bow tie.

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Is this what she calls a weekly shop, then?

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A bottle of Malibu, 20 Embassy Regal and a lottery ticket?

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She's taking you for a ride, Rog!

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-No!

-And hang on!

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How much does the pay as you go top up mobile phone card cost?

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Hey, hey, hey! I'm building bridges here.

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I mean, fine, if I'd come in with some underwear

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for someone you don't know,

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but I've come in with a medical device for asthma.

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Well, I don't know that you haven't bought knickers for Jean.

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Have you? Because why are you bringing it up?

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You do know!

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You're just being mean, Val.

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And you're not mean, so don't be mean.

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And actually, I'm making sandwiches for you all.

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Right, well then, thanks very much!

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I've got something for you in my pocket.

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Jesus Christ, Roger!

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No, no! See, everything's coming out wrong!

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That '70s tuxedo person's invading my being!

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Oh, the Malibu!

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You've got presents for both your ladies.

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I've already told you she's not...

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You're my only la... Oh! You're my wife.

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Yep.

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And she's the mother of your son.

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Well, so are you, Val.

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Mmm.

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And now, as well as Liam, there's a grandson.

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Yeah, Rhys.

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Yeah, there's little Rhys.

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And they'll be here in 20 minutes, Roger.

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And the first thing I'm going to do is say, "Hello, Jean,

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"nice to meet you! Can we have some money for all the shopping

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-"my husband's done for you?"

-Oh, that'll be a great start to it!

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Oh, and I got this!

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You can get them at the supermarket now.

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Thank you.

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It's OK.

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Oh, and Val...

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-What?

-Oh, no, it's a nice thing!

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Well, don't always think everything's awful.

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Roger!

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Thank you.

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All I said is I'll do a tea.

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Yeah, and I'm saying...

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thank you.

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Roger, I-I don't...

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Right. Thank you.

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Yeah, thanks very much. Thank you.

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No, you seem not quite sure. I'm not quite sure of your reaction!

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No, it's very, very nice. Thank you so much!

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I've had it engraved. I can't send it back!

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Yeah, and it's not that I don't like the ring. It's a beautiful gift, it's just given...

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Unless I find another couple named Roger and Val who would buy it.

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..given at exactly the wrong time.

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Oh!

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-Right.

-You know, an eternity ring. Tonight.

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This is the first time I'm going to meet Liam and Rhys and,

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you know, I just want party rings.

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You know, biscuits tonight.

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Yeah, but you haven't seen what I've had engraved in it.

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Well...

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-Roger, I can't...

-It's our windscreen slogan

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from the honeymoon camper van.

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What, you've had "Roger and Val at it" engraved on that ring?

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Right, well, maybe just don't give it to me tonight, eh? Maybe?

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So, can you just take these away for me, Roger? Otherwise I'm going to scoff the lot!

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And do you think we should have some ham and cheese or just ham?

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Val, you're going to have to spell this out for me.

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What am I supposed to do with this?

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Just not now, you know, when they're just about to all come.

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So, yeah, it's the... It's the timing, yes?

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And not the ring?

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So ham or cheese?

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Or shall I just remove the offending article?

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-Roger?

-Ham!

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Right, good, yep. Because we know, don't we, from Jean's shopping list

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that they're not vegetarians.

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Granddad.

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Oh!

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These were your mum's, you idiot!

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You'll ruin your keys doing that, Rog.

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Yeah, I need scissors.

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Oh.

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-There you go.

-Thanks very much.

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So, any news from school?

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Yes, there is.

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All of Pam Bagnall's paperwork from 12 years of being

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the Head of History has been shoved into black bin liners in her garage.

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-Really?

-Yeah. So when it comes to handing over to the new person,

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who happens to be Margaret Taylor, by the way...

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Do you know who I mean? With the underbite and camel coat - that's when it's come to light.

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So, Bagnall doesn't file. Fatal.

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Yeah.

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She's been in with the Head all morning about it.

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Pam is very upset.

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Yeah, whereas your filing, Val, at work is exemplary.

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Yeah, Roger, and this afternoon she made this rambling speech

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-at the staff meeting.

-Yeah?

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Yeah. All about her family, where they go at New Year, her mother.

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Oh, is that the drugs talking?

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I'd be very happy to provide the Head with the evidence that Pam Bagnall is addicted to Neurofen Plus.

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No, no, Rog, keep out of it,

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because it's got absolutely nothing to do with us.

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The woman sabotaged your Deputy Headship

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with the old salt and sugar mix-up!

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Well, we don't know that!

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Right, well, carry on.

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Well, it's very difficult to describe what happened.

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The Head introduced her,

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she said, "Please welcome the new Deputy Head."

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Oh, I can't stomach that!

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And then Pam stands up and then she puts her head down

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and she starts speaking in this really funny voice.

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-How do you mean?

-Well, like really tense, like, "Once upon a time,

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"there was a little girl called Pamela Streeter."

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Oh, "who became Pam Bagnall, fairy-tale ending, Deputy Head."

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No, there's no fairy-tale ending, Roger, she's in with the Head now, isn't she?

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And then it's all about, you know, "Pamela loved history

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"and she went to university and she got a degree,

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"but all the time she could hear her mother's voice in her head

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"and her mother was a very disapproving, controlling person.

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"No, no, no, no, no!"

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Why's the mother going "No, no, no, no, no?"

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No, she isn't Roger.

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That's Pamela blocking out whatever her mother wants to say.

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It's Pamela saying "No, no, no." We never hear the mother.

0:14:440:14:47

Oh, I see so she's just blocking out... I'm with you, yeah, carry on.

0:14:470:14:50

No, I don't think Pam even knows she's saying the "No, no, nos."

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And then her mind is suddenly fixated on New Year's Eve

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-and a hotel.

-Right.

0:14:590:15:01

Um, she says, um,

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"I've sacrificed so much for this job!

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"New Year's Eve at Purvis Hall Country Hotel and Spa

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"where we always go -

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"to the expensive part, not just to the carvery!"

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-What was the rest of the staff doing at this point?

-Shush, listen, Roger!

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And she says, "I think Mother was always happy at Purvis Hall

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"Country Hotel and Spa, she even smiled once, I think.

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"Mother, I've got the Deputy Headship.

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"No, no, no, no, no!"

0:15:310:15:33

Oh, so she's blocking out the mother, whatever she says,

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on a fairly regular basis.

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Yeah, well obviously, Roger, yes!

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And then Margaret Taylor jumped in and tried to pull her off,

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but she was having none of it and she came back with,

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"When Mother dies I'm going to sell all her jewellery

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"to those people who buy unwanted gold, because I don't want it.

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"And I'm going to book a whole weekend at Purvis Hall

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"Country Hotel and Spa and spend it on that!"

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Initial thoughts?

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Call an ambulance.

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Now, before she stood up to speak - and I'm pretty sure Pam

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didn't hear this - but Sue did lean over and say,

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"Would you like salt in your coffee?"

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And now Sue's worried that that might have set her off.

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Oh, that's got nothing to do with it! Please, put Sue's mind at rest,

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she mustn't worry.

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But Roger, you weren't even there, stop trying to take over!

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You don't know!

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Well, I do know the finger of blame is pointing squarely at the mother

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and Purvis Hall Country Hotel and Spa.

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We're talking about a family with love not for each other,

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but for Purvis Hall Country Hotel and Spa, which is no good.

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That gets you through nothing.

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Mm.

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This Purvis Hall Country Hotel and Spa is possibly

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where Pam's interest in history began, unless it's a modern place.

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I don't know anything about it, but the name suggests that it isn't.

0:16:500:16:53

Did the Head see all this?

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Yes, she did.

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And she looked directly at me.

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Right, well this is massive!

0:17:020:17:04

What's the situation on the ground right now?

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I don't know. She was in with the Head when I left.

0:17:060:17:09

Right.

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Poor old Pam. Never thought I'd say those words!

0:17:100:17:14

-Yeah.

-But you may already be crowned in your absence!

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Right, oh, here we go! Woo-hoo-hoo!

0:17:190:17:23

Deputy Head, Deputy Head!

0:17:230:17:25

Roger!

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Look, I don't want to dance on the grave of Pam Bagnall's

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brief time in office.

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Well she might keep her job, you don't know!

0:17:320:17:35

I am reminded of nothing more than that Pope that was murdered.

0:17:350:17:38

Do you remember him?

0:17:380:17:39

-No.

-Yes, you do! Yeah, before John Paul II,

0:17:390:17:42

in fact, he was John Paul I, but not for very long.

0:17:420:17:45

Pam hasn't been murdered Roger, we don't even know if she's resigned!

0:17:450:17:48

The manner of exit isn't the corollary, it's the length of time in post.

0:17:480:17:52

This guy was Pope for slightly longer than Bagnall,

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about a month. They brought him his breakfast one morning

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(and he was sitting in bed, dead.)

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Sorry, that is absolutely nothing to do with or like this!

0:17:590:18:06

When the panel billowed out the white smoke

0:18:060:18:08

and said, "Habemus Papam, it's Bagnall,"

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I for one wasn't clapping her onto the balcony at Southmore school.

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Well, I tell you what Rog,

0:18:140:18:15

if I go in on Monday and they offer it,

0:18:150:18:18

I'm just going to turn them down.

0:18:180:18:20

-Great.

-Flat.

0:18:200:18:21

Slam them the way they slammed me.

0:18:210:18:24

-Yeah.

-I'm going to say, "Thank you so much for your kind offer

0:18:240:18:27

"all you Johnny-come-far-too-lately bunch of food-tech hating

0:18:270:18:32

"wrong, wrong people. You got it wrong, you were wrong!"

0:18:320:18:35

-Very wrong.

-Yeah, and I really will say that, I really, really will!

0:18:350:18:40

-Do.

-Yeah, I will.

0:18:400:18:41

Actually, Roger, I'm just going to say "No."

0:18:430:18:45

Flat. "No," like that.

0:18:450:18:47

-I'm not going to bother with the rest of it.

-I wouldn't.

-No, I won't.

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I'm just going to go, "You must be joking! No."

0:18:500:18:54

-And then I'm going to turn round and walk out.

-Hear, hear!

0:18:540:18:57

Do you think Rhys will like his present?

0:18:570:19:00

I wouldn't have any expectations at all, Roger.

0:19:000:19:04

No.

0:19:040:19:05

It takes a very long time for small children to feel safe in a place.

0:19:050:19:09

-He'll probably burst into tears when he sees us!

-Right!

0:19:090:19:12

Well, we're strange.

0:19:120:19:14

And you're very tall, Roger, with dark eyebrows.

0:19:140:19:19

Yeah.

0:19:190:19:20

-Well, I still think it's a good present.

-Hmm.

0:19:200:19:23

Well, ultimately, there's only two things you can do with a tent -

0:19:230:19:26

go in or come out.

0:19:260:19:29

Right.

0:19:290:19:30

Well, I don't think tent tedium has set in when you're two.

0:19:300:19:34

Roger, you can't just dump those bags!

0:19:340:19:37

Come on, they'll be here in ten minutes!

0:19:370:19:39

You've already wasted ten minutes that you didn't have

0:19:390:19:42

putting up a Wendy house.

0:19:420:19:43

Fine.

0:19:430:19:44

-Oh, Roger!

-SHE GROWLS

0:19:460:19:49

-What?

-When have you ever seen me buy a big lump of Wensleydale cheese?

0:19:490:19:54

Never.

0:19:540:19:55

Yeah, so, you know, why have you bought it?!

0:19:550:19:58

Oh, cos it's Jean's!

0:19:580:20:00

No, it's not Jean's, it's mistakenly ours because I was in a hurry!

0:20:000:20:04

Yeah, well, I blame Jean for it.

0:20:040:20:07

If you hadn't been rushing, you'd have had time to check it

0:20:070:20:10

and seen that it wasn't mature cheddar.

0:20:100:20:12

How you've mistaken it is beyond me because it's a completely different colour!

0:20:120:20:16

Right. Sorry.

0:20:160:20:18

And it's got the word Wens-ley-dale on it.

0:20:190:20:23

Val!

0:20:230:20:24

It does, though! Why have you made this mistake?

0:20:240:20:27

Maybe because it looks like Wendy house?

0:20:270:20:29

No, because it looks like a lump of mature cheddar!

0:20:290:20:32

No, but it doesn't, though!

0:20:320:20:34

Right, but the size and the shape and the cheese packaging

0:20:340:20:39

makes it look like mature cheddar, OK?

0:20:390:20:41

No, because I would have seen the W!

0:20:410:20:44

I wouldn't have made this mistake, I really wouldn't!

0:20:440:20:47

Val, where is Wensleydale?

0:20:470:20:49

I don't know!

0:20:490:20:50

Between Tuesleydale and Thursleydale!

0:20:500:20:52

Oh, is it(?)

0:20:520:20:54

Listen, Val, either you do this or you don't.

0:20:540:20:58

I take you at your word.

0:20:580:21:00

You said, "Invite them," and I bought a ring.

0:21:000:21:04

Yep, I got it wrong. OK.

0:21:040:21:08

I love you, Val.

0:21:080:21:11

And in that, there are going to be mistakes.

0:21:110:21:13

But it's a gift!

0:21:150:21:16

And yet, this whole visit is hinging on a lump of Wensleydale!

0:21:160:21:20

The Wendy house is from Peter Pan, Roger,

0:21:200:21:24

for lost boys who never grew up.

0:21:240:21:27

Well, I didn't know that. I mean, I had forgotten it, that's all.

0:21:270:21:31

And you've walked down aisles in the supermarket I never go to.

0:21:310:21:35

I never go down the toys aisle.

0:21:350:21:37

Yes, and I want to walk down that aisle with you.

0:21:370:21:40

I won't be able to come. And I don't think we can leave the Wendy house up.

0:21:400:21:44

-Val, please!

-No, I'm taking it down.

0:21:440:21:46

No I-I don't think we need to go that far!

0:21:460:21:48

Yes, we do!

0:21:480:21:49

I'm not having it up in there.

0:21:490:21:51

I tell you what, Val, if you don't want to end up like one

0:21:510:21:54

of those Purvis Hall Country Hotel and Spa people,

0:21:540:21:56

you're going to have to like the people in your house,

0:21:560:21:59

whatever way they get there!

0:21:590:22:01

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh, that's someone's phone.

0:22:010:22:03

Yeah, that'll be Liam saying he can't come. Good news for you,

0:22:030:22:06

you can take the Wendy house down!

0:22:060:22:08

Val! It's the school! It's the school!

0:22:080:22:11

Hello, Val's phone.

0:22:110:22:15

Oh, hello, Jan. Yes, I picked up because I saw it was the school.

0:22:150:22:18

-(It's the Head!)

-Shush!

0:22:180:22:19

Yes, she is, she is here, yes. I'll just pass you over to...

0:22:190:22:22

N-N-Nice talking to you again.

0:22:220:22:25

Hello, Jan.

0:22:250:22:27

Yes. Yes I did.

0:22:270:22:29

Yes. Well, this Purvis Hall Country Hotel and Spa place

0:22:290:22:33

seems to have been the key.

0:22:330:22:35

Yes, oh!

0:22:350:22:37

Right, well, Pam will have my every support.

0:22:370:22:39

(Is she telling you...?)

0:22:390:22:41

Yes, thank you Jan.

0:22:410:22:43

Of course, we'll speak on Monday.

0:22:430:22:45

Bye-bye.

0:22:450:22:47

Is she still in the job?

0:22:470:22:48

Roger.

0:22:480:22:49

That school has a Bagnall bias!

0:22:490:22:52

Pam Bagnall has taken early retirement.

0:22:520:22:55

-What?

-And the head has asked me to consider the offer over the weekend.

0:22:550:22:58

Right, now the first thing we need to know...

0:22:580:23:01

Sorry?

0:23:010:23:02

I've just been made Deputy Head.

0:23:020:23:04

Roger! Oh, my God, look at the time!

0:23:060:23:08

Jesus! Jesus Christ! Roger! Come on, come round.

0:23:080:23:11

They'll be here any minute! Oh!

0:23:110:23:13

ROGER MUTTERS

0:23:190:23:20

No, no, no, stop it! Stop it, Roger, it's cheese to bring you round.

0:23:200:23:24

-W-W-What's happening?

-You've fainted!

0:23:240:23:27

-W-W-What's that?

-It's Wensleydale.

0:23:270:23:29

-Oh, I don't like it!

-No, we don't!

0:23:290:23:31

ROGER GROANS

0:23:310:23:33

What time is it?

0:23:330:23:35

I'm Deputy Head! Do you want an ambulance?

0:23:350:23:38

No, no, I haven't eaten all day.

0:23:380:23:40

-Oh!

-Phil chaired the cuts meeting at lunchtime and, as you can imagine,

0:23:400:23:44

I was the prominent voice of protest.

0:23:440:23:46

Be careful, Rog, around Phil, since you got reinstated. You don't want to get sacked again.

0:23:460:23:51

Oh, no, it's fine, I've stopped calling him child of Thatcher.

0:23:510:23:54

-Good, that's exactly the sort of thing I mean.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:23:540:23:57

Now I call him Clegg.

0:23:570:23:59

I'm sorry I got it wrong.

0:24:000:24:02

Look, after they've gone, you still feel odd,

0:24:020:24:04

I'll get you to casualty, all right?

0:24:040:24:07

Oh, let's get real here - the only place I'll be heading is the fridge!

0:24:070:24:12

Where's that bottle of champagne?

0:24:120:24:14

The one that we got from the tribunal. Stick it in there.

0:24:140:24:16

No, I don't want champagne tonight.

0:24:160:24:20

Oh, for God's sake, Val!

0:24:200:24:23

Everything I've tried.

0:24:230:24:26

This is no easier for me, OK?

0:24:260:24:29

Where are you going?

0:24:290:24:30

Out of here. Somewhere pleasant with a garden.

0:24:300:24:33

I won't take it down!

0:24:330:24:34

No, you won't,

0:24:350:24:38

as I return to my political roots and stage a sit-in!

0:24:380:24:41

Oh!

0:24:410:24:43

I said I won't!

0:24:450:24:47

Yeah, but you won't drink the champagne tonight. You won't wear the ring.

0:24:470:24:51

Oh, what is the point of that?

0:24:510:24:54

That is ridiculous behaviour, you're massive!

0:24:540:24:57

Yeah, well, I'll just sit. This is staying up

0:24:570:25:00

and I'm just making sure.

0:25:000:25:03

Roger, I am trying!

0:25:040:25:08

I have learnt a lesson from the Bagnalls -

0:25:080:25:11

don't worship Purvis Hall Country Hotel and Spa. You're right.

0:25:110:25:15

Worship the people in your own house.

0:25:150:25:18

Yes. People who get it wrong sometimes.

0:25:180:25:22

Well..

0:25:220:25:23

Come out! Come on, I won't take it down.

0:25:230:25:25

I don't believe you.

0:25:250:25:27

# We shall overcome

0:25:270:25:32

# We shall overcome

0:25:320:25:36

# We shall overcome, someda-a-a-ay

0:25:360:25:43

# Oh, deep in my heart... #

0:25:430:25:48

Oh, that is absolutely gorgeous!

0:25:480:25:52

# We shall overcome, some day. #

0:25:520:25:58

Valerie Stevenson, I'm the new Deputy Head, how do you do?

0:25:580:26:02

Got my ring.

0:26:020:26:04

# We'll walk hand-in-hand

0:26:040:26:09

# We'll walk hand-in-hand

0:26:090:26:13

# We'll walk hand-in-hand, Someda-a-a-ay. #

0:26:130:26:21

Come on, come out.

0:26:290:26:30

Put this in for Rhys to play with while he's here.

0:26:320:26:36

Thank you.

0:26:410:26:43

Thank you, Val.

0:26:430:26:45

Have a couple of sandwiches now, Rog,

0:26:470:26:49

if you haven't eaten. Just to tide you over.

0:26:490:26:51

DOORBELL CHIMES

0:27:070:27:10

-Val.

-Rog.

0:27:100:27:12

I'll get it.

0:27:130:27:14

Hello, Rhys!

0:27:220:27:24

Hello!

0:27:320:27:34

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