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PHONE RINGS Liam! | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
Hello. | 0:00:06 | 0:00:07 | |
There's someone at the front door! | 0:00:07 | 0:00:10 | |
Liam! | 0:00:10 | 0:00:12 | |
How can I have a son with another woman and not with you? | 0:00:12 | 0:00:14 | |
And we can leave every day at 3.30. Can you, Bagnall?! | 0:00:14 | 0:00:19 | |
You! You Deputy Head! | 0:00:19 | 0:00:22 | |
Has Bagnall performed the age-old "saw it on Tom and Jerry | 0:00:22 | 0:00:25 | |
"when I was two" trick of swapping the sugar for the salt? | 0:00:25 | 0:00:28 | |
I suspect she has. | 0:00:28 | 0:00:31 | |
Yeah. | 0:00:31 | 0:00:32 | |
Pam Bagnall, according to the evidence | 0:00:32 | 0:00:35 | |
I now have in my possession, is addicted to Neurofen Plus. | 0:00:35 | 0:00:39 | |
Give me the phone! | 0:00:39 | 0:00:41 | |
There he is. He's in his car. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:44 | |
Is that Liam? | 0:00:44 | 0:00:46 | |
Yes. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:47 | |
(Have you got a baby?) | 0:00:47 | 0:00:50 | |
Oh, he says yes! | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
There's a baby! | 0:00:52 | 0:00:54 | |
Let's have a drink. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
Wet the baby's head. | 0:00:56 | 0:00:57 | |
KEYS RATTLE IN DOOR | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
Roger! You can't leave that there! | 0:03:51 | 0:03:55 | |
Yeah, can I, can I just get in? | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
Traffic's unbelievable, Val. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
There's a lot! | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
No, no, some of it's Jean's. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:05 | |
What's this? | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
Oh, I don't know. It's some sort of massive OAP device. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:15 | |
It's a volumatic spacer. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
It's to be used with her, um, um, um, asthmatic inhaler. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:21 | |
-I thought you said she had spondylitis? -Yeah, she has health problems. I don't know! | 0:04:21 | 0:04:25 | |
-Look, this is massive! -Well, no, it's free, it's on the prescription. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:29 | |
Hang on a minute, Jean has got two strapping sons - | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
why are you getting her prescriptions? | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
Val, I simply... Look, she'll be here in 20 minutes. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:37 | |
I agreed to get her shopping and her prescription was with it. That's all! | 0:04:37 | 0:04:40 | |
You're obviously signing for Jean's prescription! | 0:04:40 | 0:04:43 | |
Sorry, I'm finding all this a little bit creepy. Oh! | 0:04:43 | 0:04:46 | |
Oh, for God's sake, Val! | 0:04:46 | 0:04:47 | |
Oh, no, it's split! Oh, no, it actually does come apart. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:51 | |
Yeah. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:52 | |
So, please, don't do the whole jealousy thing about a woman | 0:04:52 | 0:04:56 | |
with no teeth, thanks very much! | 0:04:56 | 0:04:59 | |
I mean, give me that respect! | 0:04:59 | 0:05:01 | |
I just thought, you know, must be nice to have more than one lady. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:05 | |
Oh, she's NOT my lady! | 0:05:07 | 0:05:09 | |
Oh, Jesus Christ! We sound like a '70s person in a tuxedo | 0:05:09 | 0:05:13 | |
and a ginormous bow tie. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:15 | |
Is this what she calls a weekly shop, then? | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
A bottle of Malibu, 20 Embassy Regal and a lottery ticket? | 0:05:17 | 0:05:21 | |
She's taking you for a ride, Rog! | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
-No! -And hang on! | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
How much does the pay as you go top up mobile phone card cost? | 0:05:25 | 0:05:28 | |
Hey, hey, hey! I'm building bridges here. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:31 | |
I mean, fine, if I'd come in with some underwear | 0:05:31 | 0:05:33 | |
for someone you don't know, | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
but I've come in with a medical device for asthma. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
Well, I don't know that you haven't bought knickers for Jean. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:41 | |
Have you? Because why are you bringing it up? | 0:05:41 | 0:05:44 | |
You do know! | 0:05:44 | 0:05:45 | |
You're just being mean, Val. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:48 | |
And you're not mean, so don't be mean. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:52 | |
And actually, I'm making sandwiches for you all. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:56 | |
Right, well then, thanks very much! | 0:05:56 | 0:05:58 | |
I've got something for you in my pocket. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
Jesus Christ, Roger! | 0:06:02 | 0:06:03 | |
No, no! See, everything's coming out wrong! | 0:06:03 | 0:06:05 | |
That '70s tuxedo person's invading my being! | 0:06:05 | 0:06:08 | |
Oh, the Malibu! | 0:06:08 | 0:06:11 | |
You've got presents for both your ladies. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:13 | |
I've already told you she's not... | 0:06:13 | 0:06:15 | |
You're my only la... Oh! You're my wife. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:19 | |
Yep. | 0:06:19 | 0:06:20 | |
And she's the mother of your son. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
Well, so are you, Val. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:25 | |
Mmm. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:27 | |
And now, as well as Liam, there's a grandson. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:30 | |
Yeah, Rhys. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:31 | |
Yeah, there's little Rhys. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:35 | |
And they'll be here in 20 minutes, Roger. | 0:06:35 | 0:06:38 | |
And the first thing I'm going to do is say, "Hello, Jean, | 0:06:38 | 0:06:41 | |
"nice to meet you! Can we have some money for all the shopping | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
-"my husband's done for you?" -Oh, that'll be a great start to it! | 0:06:44 | 0:06:47 | |
Oh, and I got this! | 0:06:49 | 0:06:50 | |
You can get them at the supermarket now. | 0:06:52 | 0:06:55 | |
Thank you. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:04 | |
It's OK. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:06 | |
Oh, and Val... | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
-What? -Oh, no, it's a nice thing! | 0:07:11 | 0:07:15 | |
Well, don't always think everything's awful. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:17 | |
Roger! | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
Thank you. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:27 | |
All I said is I'll do a tea. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:29 | |
Yeah, and I'm saying... | 0:07:29 | 0:07:31 | |
thank you. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:36 | |
Roger, I-I don't... | 0:07:36 | 0:07:37 | |
Right. Thank you. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:42 | |
Yeah, thanks very much. Thank you. | 0:07:42 | 0:07:44 | |
No, you seem not quite sure. I'm not quite sure of your reaction! | 0:07:44 | 0:07:47 | |
No, it's very, very nice. Thank you so much! | 0:07:47 | 0:07:51 | |
I've had it engraved. I can't send it back! | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
Yeah, and it's not that I don't like the ring. It's a beautiful gift, it's just given... | 0:07:53 | 0:07:57 | |
Unless I find another couple named Roger and Val who would buy it. | 0:07:57 | 0:08:00 | |
..given at exactly the wrong time. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:03 | |
Oh! | 0:08:05 | 0:08:06 | |
-Right. -You know, an eternity ring. Tonight. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:12 | |
This is the first time I'm going to meet Liam and Rhys and, | 0:08:12 | 0:08:15 | |
you know, I just want party rings. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:20 | |
You know, biscuits tonight. | 0:08:20 | 0:08:22 | |
Yeah, but you haven't seen what I've had engraved in it. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:24 | |
Well... | 0:08:24 | 0:08:26 | |
-Roger, I can't... -It's our windscreen slogan | 0:08:26 | 0:08:28 | |
from the honeymoon camper van. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:31 | |
What, you've had "Roger and Val at it" engraved on that ring? | 0:08:31 | 0:08:36 | |
Right, well, maybe just don't give it to me tonight, eh? Maybe? | 0:08:37 | 0:08:41 | |
So, can you just take these away for me, Roger? Otherwise I'm going to scoff the lot! | 0:08:41 | 0:08:46 | |
And do you think we should have some ham and cheese or just ham? | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
Val, you're going to have to spell this out for me. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
What am I supposed to do with this? | 0:08:52 | 0:08:53 | |
Just not now, you know, when they're just about to all come. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:57 | |
So, yeah, it's the... It's the timing, yes? | 0:09:01 | 0:09:05 | |
And not the ring? | 0:09:05 | 0:09:06 | |
So ham or cheese? | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
Or shall I just remove the offending article? | 0:09:08 | 0:09:10 | |
-Roger? -Ham! | 0:09:10 | 0:09:11 | |
Right, good, yep. Because we know, don't we, from Jean's shopping list | 0:09:11 | 0:09:15 | |
that they're not vegetarians. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
Granddad. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:42 | |
Oh! | 0:10:46 | 0:10:47 | |
These were your mum's, you idiot! | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
You'll ruin your keys doing that, Rog. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:55 | |
Yeah, I need scissors. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:57 | |
Oh. | 0:11:57 | 0:11:59 | |
-There you go. -Thanks very much. | 0:12:24 | 0:12:27 | |
So, any news from school? | 0:12:31 | 0:12:33 | |
Yes, there is. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:36 | |
All of Pam Bagnall's paperwork from 12 years of being | 0:12:36 | 0:12:41 | |
the Head of History has been shoved into black bin liners in her garage. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:46 | |
-Really? -Yeah. So when it comes to handing over to the new person, | 0:12:46 | 0:12:50 | |
who happens to be Margaret Taylor, by the way... | 0:12:50 | 0:12:53 | |
Do you know who I mean? With the underbite and camel coat - that's when it's come to light. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:57 | |
So, Bagnall doesn't file. Fatal. | 0:12:57 | 0:13:01 | |
Yeah. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:03 | |
She's been in with the Head all morning about it. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:07 | |
Pam is very upset. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:09 | |
Yeah, whereas your filing, Val, at work is exemplary. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
Yeah, Roger, and this afternoon she made this rambling speech | 0:13:11 | 0:13:16 | |
-at the staff meeting. -Yeah? | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
Yeah. All about her family, where they go at New Year, her mother. | 0:13:18 | 0:13:23 | |
Oh, is that the drugs talking? | 0:13:23 | 0:13:26 | |
I'd be very happy to provide the Head with the evidence that Pam Bagnall is addicted to Neurofen Plus. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:31 | |
No, no, Rog, keep out of it, | 0:13:31 | 0:13:32 | |
because it's got absolutely nothing to do with us. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:34 | |
The woman sabotaged your Deputy Headship | 0:13:34 | 0:13:38 | |
with the old salt and sugar mix-up! | 0:13:38 | 0:13:40 | |
Well, we don't know that! | 0:13:40 | 0:13:42 | |
Right, well, carry on. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:44 | |
Well, it's very difficult to describe what happened. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:47 | |
The Head introduced her, | 0:13:47 | 0:13:49 | |
she said, "Please welcome the new Deputy Head." | 0:13:49 | 0:13:51 | |
Oh, I can't stomach that! | 0:13:51 | 0:13:53 | |
And then Pam stands up and then she puts her head down | 0:13:53 | 0:13:57 | |
and she starts speaking in this really funny voice. | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
-How do you mean? -Well, like really tense, like, "Once upon a time, | 0:13:59 | 0:14:05 | |
"there was a little girl called Pamela Streeter." | 0:14:05 | 0:14:08 | |
Oh, "who became Pam Bagnall, fairy-tale ending, Deputy Head." | 0:14:08 | 0:14:12 | |
No, there's no fairy-tale ending, Roger, she's in with the Head now, isn't she? | 0:14:12 | 0:14:17 | |
And then it's all about, you know, "Pamela loved history | 0:14:17 | 0:14:23 | |
"and she went to university and she got a degree, | 0:14:23 | 0:14:26 | |
"but all the time she could hear her mother's voice in her head | 0:14:26 | 0:14:30 | |
"and her mother was a very disapproving, controlling person. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:34 | |
"No, no, no, no, no!" | 0:14:34 | 0:14:37 | |
Why's the mother going "No, no, no, no, no?" | 0:14:37 | 0:14:39 | |
No, she isn't Roger. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
That's Pamela blocking out whatever her mother wants to say. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:44 | |
It's Pamela saying "No, no, no." We never hear the mother. | 0:14:44 | 0:14:47 | |
Oh, I see so she's just blocking out... I'm with you, yeah, carry on. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:50 | |
No, I don't think Pam even knows she's saying the "No, no, nos." | 0:14:50 | 0:14:54 | |
And then her mind is suddenly fixated on New Year's Eve | 0:14:54 | 0:14:59 | |
-and a hotel. -Right. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:01 | |
Um, she says, um, | 0:15:01 | 0:15:04 | |
"I've sacrificed so much for this job! | 0:15:04 | 0:15:07 | |
"New Year's Eve at Purvis Hall Country Hotel and Spa | 0:15:07 | 0:15:11 | |
"where we always go - | 0:15:11 | 0:15:12 | |
"to the expensive part, not just to the carvery!" | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
-What was the rest of the staff doing at this point? -Shush, listen, Roger! | 0:15:15 | 0:15:18 | |
And she says, "I think Mother was always happy at Purvis Hall | 0:15:18 | 0:15:22 | |
"Country Hotel and Spa, she even smiled once, I think. | 0:15:22 | 0:15:28 | |
"Mother, I've got the Deputy Headship. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:31 | |
"No, no, no, no, no!" | 0:15:31 | 0:15:33 | |
Oh, so she's blocking out the mother, whatever she says, | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
on a fairly regular basis. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:38 | |
Yeah, well obviously, Roger, yes! | 0:15:38 | 0:15:40 | |
And then Margaret Taylor jumped in and tried to pull her off, | 0:15:40 | 0:15:43 | |
but she was having none of it and she came back with, | 0:15:43 | 0:15:46 | |
"When Mother dies I'm going to sell all her jewellery | 0:15:46 | 0:15:49 | |
"to those people who buy unwanted gold, because I don't want it. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:53 | |
"And I'm going to book a whole weekend at Purvis Hall | 0:15:53 | 0:15:56 | |
"Country Hotel and Spa and spend it on that!" | 0:15:56 | 0:15:59 | |
Initial thoughts? | 0:15:59 | 0:16:01 | |
Call an ambulance. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
Now, before she stood up to speak - and I'm pretty sure Pam | 0:16:05 | 0:16:08 | |
didn't hear this - but Sue did lean over and say, | 0:16:08 | 0:16:12 | |
"Would you like salt in your coffee?" | 0:16:12 | 0:16:14 | |
And now Sue's worried that that might have set her off. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:17 | |
Oh, that's got nothing to do with it! Please, put Sue's mind at rest, | 0:16:17 | 0:16:20 | |
she mustn't worry. | 0:16:20 | 0:16:22 | |
But Roger, you weren't even there, stop trying to take over! | 0:16:22 | 0:16:25 | |
You don't know! | 0:16:25 | 0:16:26 | |
Well, I do know the finger of blame is pointing squarely at the mother | 0:16:26 | 0:16:30 | |
and Purvis Hall Country Hotel and Spa. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
We're talking about a family with love not for each other, | 0:16:32 | 0:16:36 | |
but for Purvis Hall Country Hotel and Spa, which is no good. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:39 | |
That gets you through nothing. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:41 | |
Mm. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:42 | |
This Purvis Hall Country Hotel and Spa is possibly | 0:16:42 | 0:16:45 | |
where Pam's interest in history began, unless it's a modern place. | 0:16:45 | 0:16:50 | |
I don't know anything about it, but the name suggests that it isn't. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:53 | |
Did the Head see all this? | 0:16:55 | 0:16:56 | |
Yes, she did. | 0:16:56 | 0:16:57 | |
And she looked directly at me. | 0:16:57 | 0:17:01 | |
Right, well this is massive! | 0:17:02 | 0:17:04 | |
What's the situation on the ground right now? | 0:17:04 | 0:17:06 | |
I don't know. She was in with the Head when I left. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:09 | |
Right. | 0:17:09 | 0:17:10 | |
Poor old Pam. Never thought I'd say those words! | 0:17:10 | 0:17:14 | |
-Yeah. -But you may already be crowned in your absence! | 0:17:14 | 0:17:19 | |
Right, oh, here we go! Woo-hoo-hoo! | 0:17:19 | 0:17:23 | |
Deputy Head, Deputy Head! | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
Roger! | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
Look, I don't want to dance on the grave of Pam Bagnall's | 0:17:27 | 0:17:30 | |
brief time in office. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:32 | |
Well she might keep her job, you don't know! | 0:17:32 | 0:17:35 | |
I am reminded of nothing more than that Pope that was murdered. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:38 | |
Do you remember him? | 0:17:38 | 0:17:39 | |
-No. -Yes, you do! Yeah, before John Paul II, | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
in fact, he was John Paul I, but not for very long. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:45 | |
Pam hasn't been murdered Roger, we don't even know if she's resigned! | 0:17:45 | 0:17:48 | |
The manner of exit isn't the corollary, it's the length of time in post. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:52 | |
This guy was Pope for slightly longer than Bagnall, | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
about a month. They brought him his breakfast one morning | 0:17:54 | 0:17:57 | |
(and he was sitting in bed, dead.) | 0:17:57 | 0:17:59 | |
Sorry, that is absolutely nothing to do with or like this! | 0:17:59 | 0:18:06 | |
When the panel billowed out the white smoke | 0:18:06 | 0:18:08 | |
and said, "Habemus Papam, it's Bagnall," | 0:18:08 | 0:18:10 | |
I for one wasn't clapping her onto the balcony at Southmore school. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:14 | |
Well, I tell you what Rog, | 0:18:14 | 0:18:15 | |
if I go in on Monday and they offer it, | 0:18:15 | 0:18:18 | |
I'm just going to turn them down. | 0:18:18 | 0:18:20 | |
-Great. -Flat. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:21 | |
Slam them the way they slammed me. | 0:18:21 | 0:18:24 | |
-Yeah. -I'm going to say, "Thank you so much for your kind offer | 0:18:24 | 0:18:27 | |
"all you Johnny-come-far-too-lately bunch of food-tech hating | 0:18:27 | 0:18:32 | |
"wrong, wrong people. You got it wrong, you were wrong!" | 0:18:32 | 0:18:35 | |
-Very wrong. -Yeah, and I really will say that, I really, really will! | 0:18:35 | 0:18:40 | |
-Do. -Yeah, I will. | 0:18:40 | 0:18:41 | |
Actually, Roger, I'm just going to say "No." | 0:18:43 | 0:18:45 | |
Flat. "No," like that. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:47 | |
-I'm not going to bother with the rest of it. -I wouldn't. -No, I won't. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:50 | |
I'm just going to go, "You must be joking! No." | 0:18:50 | 0:18:54 | |
-And then I'm going to turn round and walk out. -Hear, hear! | 0:18:54 | 0:18:57 | |
Do you think Rhys will like his present? | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
I wouldn't have any expectations at all, Roger. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:04 | |
No. | 0:19:04 | 0:19:05 | |
It takes a very long time for small children to feel safe in a place. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:09 | |
-He'll probably burst into tears when he sees us! -Right! | 0:19:09 | 0:19:12 | |
Well, we're strange. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:14 | |
And you're very tall, Roger, with dark eyebrows. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:19 | |
Yeah. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:20 | |
-Well, I still think it's a good present. -Hmm. | 0:19:20 | 0:19:23 | |
Well, ultimately, there's only two things you can do with a tent - | 0:19:23 | 0:19:26 | |
go in or come out. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:29 | |
Right. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:30 | |
Well, I don't think tent tedium has set in when you're two. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:34 | |
Roger, you can't just dump those bags! | 0:19:34 | 0:19:37 | |
Come on, they'll be here in ten minutes! | 0:19:37 | 0:19:39 | |
You've already wasted ten minutes that you didn't have | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
putting up a Wendy house. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:43 | |
Fine. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:44 | |
-Oh, Roger! -SHE GROWLS | 0:19:46 | 0:19:49 | |
-What? -When have you ever seen me buy a big lump of Wensleydale cheese? | 0:19:49 | 0:19:54 | |
Never. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:55 | |
Yeah, so, you know, why have you bought it?! | 0:19:55 | 0:19:58 | |
Oh, cos it's Jean's! | 0:19:58 | 0:20:00 | |
No, it's not Jean's, it's mistakenly ours because I was in a hurry! | 0:20:00 | 0:20:04 | |
Yeah, well, I blame Jean for it. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:07 | |
If you hadn't been rushing, you'd have had time to check it | 0:20:07 | 0:20:10 | |
and seen that it wasn't mature cheddar. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:12 | |
How you've mistaken it is beyond me because it's a completely different colour! | 0:20:12 | 0:20:16 | |
Right. Sorry. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:18 | |
And it's got the word Wens-ley-dale on it. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:23 | |
Val! | 0:20:23 | 0:20:24 | |
It does, though! Why have you made this mistake? | 0:20:24 | 0:20:27 | |
Maybe because it looks like Wendy house? | 0:20:27 | 0:20:29 | |
No, because it looks like a lump of mature cheddar! | 0:20:29 | 0:20:32 | |
No, but it doesn't, though! | 0:20:32 | 0:20:34 | |
Right, but the size and the shape and the cheese packaging | 0:20:34 | 0:20:39 | |
makes it look like mature cheddar, OK? | 0:20:39 | 0:20:41 | |
No, because I would have seen the W! | 0:20:41 | 0:20:44 | |
I wouldn't have made this mistake, I really wouldn't! | 0:20:44 | 0:20:47 | |
Val, where is Wensleydale? | 0:20:47 | 0:20:49 | |
I don't know! | 0:20:49 | 0:20:50 | |
Between Tuesleydale and Thursleydale! | 0:20:50 | 0:20:52 | |
Oh, is it(?) | 0:20:52 | 0:20:54 | |
Listen, Val, either you do this or you don't. | 0:20:54 | 0:20:58 | |
I take you at your word. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:00 | |
You said, "Invite them," and I bought a ring. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:04 | |
Yep, I got it wrong. OK. | 0:21:04 | 0:21:08 | |
I love you, Val. | 0:21:08 | 0:21:11 | |
And in that, there are going to be mistakes. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
But it's a gift! | 0:21:15 | 0:21:16 | |
And yet, this whole visit is hinging on a lump of Wensleydale! | 0:21:16 | 0:21:20 | |
The Wendy house is from Peter Pan, Roger, | 0:21:20 | 0:21:24 | |
for lost boys who never grew up. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:27 | |
Well, I didn't know that. I mean, I had forgotten it, that's all. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:31 | |
And you've walked down aisles in the supermarket I never go to. | 0:21:31 | 0:21:35 | |
I never go down the toys aisle. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:37 | |
Yes, and I want to walk down that aisle with you. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:40 | |
I won't be able to come. And I don't think we can leave the Wendy house up. | 0:21:40 | 0:21:44 | |
-Val, please! -No, I'm taking it down. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:46 | |
No I-I don't think we need to go that far! | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
Yes, we do! | 0:21:48 | 0:21:49 | |
I'm not having it up in there. | 0:21:49 | 0:21:51 | |
I tell you what, Val, if you don't want to end up like one | 0:21:51 | 0:21:54 | |
of those Purvis Hall Country Hotel and Spa people, | 0:21:54 | 0:21:56 | |
you're going to have to like the people in your house, | 0:21:56 | 0:21:59 | |
whatever way they get there! | 0:21:59 | 0:22:01 | |
-PHONE RINGS -Oh, that's someone's phone. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:03 | |
Yeah, that'll be Liam saying he can't come. Good news for you, | 0:22:03 | 0:22:06 | |
you can take the Wendy house down! | 0:22:06 | 0:22:08 | |
Val! It's the school! It's the school! | 0:22:08 | 0:22:11 | |
Hello, Val's phone. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:15 | |
Oh, hello, Jan. Yes, I picked up because I saw it was the school. | 0:22:15 | 0:22:18 | |
-(It's the Head!) -Shush! | 0:22:18 | 0:22:19 | |
Yes, she is, she is here, yes. I'll just pass you over to... | 0:22:19 | 0:22:22 | |
N-N-Nice talking to you again. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:25 | |
Hello, Jan. | 0:22:25 | 0:22:27 | |
Yes. Yes I did. | 0:22:27 | 0:22:29 | |
Yes. Well, this Purvis Hall Country Hotel and Spa place | 0:22:29 | 0:22:33 | |
seems to have been the key. | 0:22:33 | 0:22:35 | |
Yes, oh! | 0:22:35 | 0:22:37 | |
Right, well, Pam will have my every support. | 0:22:37 | 0:22:39 | |
(Is she telling you...?) | 0:22:39 | 0:22:41 | |
Yes, thank you Jan. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:43 | |
Of course, we'll speak on Monday. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
Bye-bye. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:47 | |
Is she still in the job? | 0:22:47 | 0:22:48 | |
Roger. | 0:22:48 | 0:22:49 | |
That school has a Bagnall bias! | 0:22:49 | 0:22:52 | |
Pam Bagnall has taken early retirement. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:55 | |
-What? -And the head has asked me to consider the offer over the weekend. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:58 | |
Right, now the first thing we need to know... | 0:22:58 | 0:23:01 | |
Sorry? | 0:23:01 | 0:23:02 | |
I've just been made Deputy Head. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:04 | |
Roger! Oh, my God, look at the time! | 0:23:06 | 0:23:08 | |
Jesus! Jesus Christ! Roger! Come on, come round. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:11 | |
They'll be here any minute! Oh! | 0:23:11 | 0:23:13 | |
ROGER MUTTERS | 0:23:19 | 0:23:20 | |
No, no, no, stop it! Stop it, Roger, it's cheese to bring you round. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:24 | |
-W-W-What's happening? -You've fainted! | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
-W-W-What's that? -It's Wensleydale. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:29 | |
-Oh, I don't like it! -No, we don't! | 0:23:29 | 0:23:31 | |
ROGER GROANS | 0:23:31 | 0:23:33 | |
What time is it? | 0:23:33 | 0:23:35 | |
I'm Deputy Head! Do you want an ambulance? | 0:23:35 | 0:23:38 | |
No, no, I haven't eaten all day. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:40 | |
-Oh! -Phil chaired the cuts meeting at lunchtime and, as you can imagine, | 0:23:40 | 0:23:44 | |
I was the prominent voice of protest. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
Be careful, Rog, around Phil, since you got reinstated. You don't want to get sacked again. | 0:23:46 | 0:23:51 | |
Oh, no, it's fine, I've stopped calling him child of Thatcher. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:54 | |
-Good, that's exactly the sort of thing I mean. -Yeah, yeah. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:57 | |
Now I call him Clegg. | 0:23:57 | 0:23:59 | |
I'm sorry I got it wrong. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:02 | |
Look, after they've gone, you still feel odd, | 0:24:02 | 0:24:04 | |
I'll get you to casualty, all right? | 0:24:04 | 0:24:07 | |
Oh, let's get real here - the only place I'll be heading is the fridge! | 0:24:07 | 0:24:12 | |
Where's that bottle of champagne? | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
The one that we got from the tribunal. Stick it in there. | 0:24:14 | 0:24:16 | |
No, I don't want champagne tonight. | 0:24:16 | 0:24:20 | |
Oh, for God's sake, Val! | 0:24:20 | 0:24:23 | |
Everything I've tried. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:26 | |
This is no easier for me, OK? | 0:24:26 | 0:24:29 | |
Where are you going? | 0:24:29 | 0:24:30 | |
Out of here. Somewhere pleasant with a garden. | 0:24:30 | 0:24:33 | |
I won't take it down! | 0:24:33 | 0:24:34 | |
No, you won't, | 0:24:35 | 0:24:38 | |
as I return to my political roots and stage a sit-in! | 0:24:38 | 0:24:41 | |
Oh! | 0:24:41 | 0:24:43 | |
I said I won't! | 0:24:45 | 0:24:47 | |
Yeah, but you won't drink the champagne tonight. You won't wear the ring. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:51 | |
Oh, what is the point of that? | 0:24:51 | 0:24:54 | |
That is ridiculous behaviour, you're massive! | 0:24:54 | 0:24:57 | |
Yeah, well, I'll just sit. This is staying up | 0:24:57 | 0:25:00 | |
and I'm just making sure. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:03 | |
Roger, I am trying! | 0:25:04 | 0:25:08 | |
I have learnt a lesson from the Bagnalls - | 0:25:08 | 0:25:11 | |
don't worship Purvis Hall Country Hotel and Spa. You're right. | 0:25:11 | 0:25:15 | |
Worship the people in your own house. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:18 | |
Yes. People who get it wrong sometimes. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:22 | |
Well.. | 0:25:22 | 0:25:23 | |
Come out! Come on, I won't take it down. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:25 | |
I don't believe you. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
# We shall overcome | 0:25:27 | 0:25:32 | |
# We shall overcome | 0:25:32 | 0:25:36 | |
# We shall overcome, someda-a-a-ay | 0:25:36 | 0:25:43 | |
# Oh, deep in my heart... # | 0:25:43 | 0:25:48 | |
Oh, that is absolutely gorgeous! | 0:25:48 | 0:25:52 | |
# We shall overcome, some day. # | 0:25:52 | 0:25:58 | |
Valerie Stevenson, I'm the new Deputy Head, how do you do? | 0:25:58 | 0:26:02 | |
Got my ring. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:04 | |
# We'll walk hand-in-hand | 0:26:04 | 0:26:09 | |
# We'll walk hand-in-hand | 0:26:09 | 0:26:13 | |
# We'll walk hand-in-hand, Someda-a-a-ay. # | 0:26:13 | 0:26:21 | |
Come on, come out. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:30 | |
Put this in for Rhys to play with while he's here. | 0:26:32 | 0:26:36 | |
Thank you. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:43 | |
Thank you, Val. | 0:26:43 | 0:26:45 | |
Have a couple of sandwiches now, Rog, | 0:26:47 | 0:26:49 | |
if you haven't eaten. Just to tide you over. | 0:26:49 | 0:26:51 | |
DOORBELL CHIMES | 0:27:07 | 0:27:10 | |
-Val. -Rog. | 0:27:10 | 0:27:12 | |
I'll get it. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:14 | |
Hello, Rhys! | 0:27:22 | 0:27:24 | |
Hello! | 0:27:32 | 0:27:34 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:02 | 0:28:05 |