Sitcom following the lives of a couple during their first half-hour home from work. Something arrives that will change Roger and Val's lives forever.
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PHONE RINGS Liam!
There's someone at the front door!
How can I have a son with another woman and not with you?
And we can leave every day at 3.30. Can you, Bagnall?!
You! You Deputy Head!
Has Bagnall performed the age-old "saw it on Tom and Jerry
"when I was two" trick of swapping the sugar for the salt?
I suspect she has.
Pam Bagnall, according to the evidence
I now have in my possession, is addicted to Neurofen Plus.
Give me the phone!
There he is. He's in his car.
Is that Liam?
(Have you got a baby?)
Oh, he says yes!
There's a baby!
Let's have a drink.
Wet the baby's head.
KEYS RATTLE IN DOOR
Roger! You can't leave that there!
Yeah, can I, can I just get in?
Traffic's unbelievable, Val.
There's a lot!
No, no, some of it's Jean's.
Oh, I don't know. It's some sort of massive OAP device.
It's a volumatic spacer.
It's to be used with her, um, um, um, asthmatic inhaler.
-I thought you said she had spondylitis?
-Yeah, she has health problems. I don't know!
-Look, this is massive!
-Well, no, it's free, it's on the prescription.
Hang on a minute, Jean has got two strapping sons -
why are you getting her prescriptions?
Val, I simply... Look, she'll be here in 20 minutes.
I agreed to get her shopping and her prescription was with it. That's all!
You're obviously signing for Jean's prescription!
Sorry, I'm finding all this a little bit creepy. Oh!
Oh, for God's sake, Val!
Oh, no, it's split! Oh, no, it actually does come apart.
So, please, don't do the whole jealousy thing about a woman
with no teeth, thanks very much!
I mean, give me that respect!
I just thought, you know, must be nice to have more than one lady.
Oh, she's NOT my lady!
Oh, Jesus Christ! We sound like a '70s person in a tuxedo
and a ginormous bow tie.
Is this what she calls a weekly shop, then?
A bottle of Malibu, 20 Embassy Regal and a lottery ticket?
She's taking you for a ride, Rog!
-And hang on!
How much does the pay as you go top up mobile phone card cost?
Hey, hey, hey! I'm building bridges here.
I mean, fine, if I'd come in with some underwear
for someone you don't know,
but I've come in with a medical device for asthma.
Well, I don't know that you haven't bought knickers for Jean.
Have you? Because why are you bringing it up?
You do know!
You're just being mean, Val.
And you're not mean, so don't be mean.
And actually, I'm making sandwiches for you all.
Right, well then, thanks very much!
I've got something for you in my pocket.
Jesus Christ, Roger!
No, no! See, everything's coming out wrong!
That '70s tuxedo person's invading my being!
Oh, the Malibu!
You've got presents for both your ladies.
I've already told you she's not...
You're my only la... Oh! You're my wife.
And she's the mother of your son.
Well, so are you, Val.
And now, as well as Liam, there's a grandson.
Yeah, there's little Rhys.
And they'll be here in 20 minutes, Roger.
And the first thing I'm going to do is say, "Hello, Jean,
"nice to meet you! Can we have some money for all the shopping
-"my husband's done for you?"
-Oh, that'll be a great start to it!
Oh, and I got this!
You can get them at the supermarket now.
Oh, and Val...
-Oh, no, it's a nice thing!
Well, don't always think everything's awful.
All I said is I'll do a tea.
Yeah, and I'm saying...
Roger, I-I don't...
Right. Thank you.
Yeah, thanks very much. Thank you.
No, you seem not quite sure. I'm not quite sure of your reaction!
No, it's very, very nice. Thank you so much!
I've had it engraved. I can't send it back!
Yeah, and it's not that I don't like the ring. It's a beautiful gift, it's just given...
Unless I find another couple named Roger and Val who would buy it.
..given at exactly the wrong time.
-You know, an eternity ring. Tonight.
This is the first time I'm going to meet Liam and Rhys and,
you know, I just want party rings.
You know, biscuits tonight.
Yeah, but you haven't seen what I've had engraved in it.
-Roger, I can't...
-It's our windscreen slogan
from the honeymoon camper van.
What, you've had "Roger and Val at it" engraved on that ring?
Right, well, maybe just don't give it to me tonight, eh? Maybe?
So, can you just take these away for me, Roger? Otherwise I'm going to scoff the lot!
And do you think we should have some ham and cheese or just ham?
Val, you're going to have to spell this out for me.
What am I supposed to do with this?
Just not now, you know, when they're just about to all come.
So, yeah, it's the... It's the timing, yes?
And not the ring?
So ham or cheese?
Or shall I just remove the offending article?
Right, good, yep. Because we know, don't we, from Jean's shopping list
that they're not vegetarians.
These were your mum's, you idiot!
You'll ruin your keys doing that, Rog.
Yeah, I need scissors.
-There you go.
-Thanks very much.
So, any news from school?
Yes, there is.
All of Pam Bagnall's paperwork from 12 years of being
the Head of History has been shoved into black bin liners in her garage.
-Yeah. So when it comes to handing over to the new person,
who happens to be Margaret Taylor, by the way...
Do you know who I mean? With the underbite and camel coat - that's when it's come to light.
So, Bagnall doesn't file. Fatal.
She's been in with the Head all morning about it.
Pam is very upset.
Yeah, whereas your filing, Val, at work is exemplary.
Yeah, Roger, and this afternoon she made this rambling speech
-at the staff meeting.
Yeah. All about her family, where they go at New Year, her mother.
Oh, is that the drugs talking?
I'd be very happy to provide the Head with the evidence that Pam Bagnall is addicted to Neurofen Plus.
No, no, Rog, keep out of it,
because it's got absolutely nothing to do with us.
The woman sabotaged your Deputy Headship
with the old salt and sugar mix-up!
Well, we don't know that!
Right, well, carry on.
Well, it's very difficult to describe what happened.
The Head introduced her,
she said, "Please welcome the new Deputy Head."
Oh, I can't stomach that!
And then Pam stands up and then she puts her head down
and she starts speaking in this really funny voice.
-How do you mean?
-Well, like really tense, like, "Once upon a time,
"there was a little girl called Pamela Streeter."
Oh, "who became Pam Bagnall, fairy-tale ending, Deputy Head."
No, there's no fairy-tale ending, Roger, she's in with the Head now, isn't she?
And then it's all about, you know, "Pamela loved history
"and she went to university and she got a degree,
"but all the time she could hear her mother's voice in her head
"and her mother was a very disapproving, controlling person.
"No, no, no, no, no!"
Why's the mother going "No, no, no, no, no?"
No, she isn't Roger.
That's Pamela blocking out whatever her mother wants to say.
It's Pamela saying "No, no, no." We never hear the mother.
Oh, I see so she's just blocking out... I'm with you, yeah, carry on.
No, I don't think Pam even knows she's saying the "No, no, nos."
And then her mind is suddenly fixated on New Year's Eve
-and a hotel.
Um, she says, um,
"I've sacrificed so much for this job!
"New Year's Eve at Purvis Hall Country Hotel and Spa
"where we always go -
"to the expensive part, not just to the carvery!"
-What was the rest of the staff doing at this point?
-Shush, listen, Roger!
And she says, "I think Mother was always happy at Purvis Hall
"Country Hotel and Spa, she even smiled once, I think.
"Mother, I've got the Deputy Headship.
"No, no, no, no, no!"
Oh, so she's blocking out the mother, whatever she says,
on a fairly regular basis.
Yeah, well obviously, Roger, yes!
And then Margaret Taylor jumped in and tried to pull her off,
but she was having none of it and she came back with,
"When Mother dies I'm going to sell all her jewellery
"to those people who buy unwanted gold, because I don't want it.
"And I'm going to book a whole weekend at Purvis Hall
"Country Hotel and Spa and spend it on that!"
Call an ambulance.
Now, before she stood up to speak - and I'm pretty sure Pam
didn't hear this - but Sue did lean over and say,
"Would you like salt in your coffee?"
And now Sue's worried that that might have set her off.
Oh, that's got nothing to do with it! Please, put Sue's mind at rest,
she mustn't worry.
But Roger, you weren't even there, stop trying to take over!
You don't know!
Well, I do know the finger of blame is pointing squarely at the mother
and Purvis Hall Country Hotel and Spa.
We're talking about a family with love not for each other,
but for Purvis Hall Country Hotel and Spa, which is no good.
That gets you through nothing.
This Purvis Hall Country Hotel and Spa is possibly
where Pam's interest in history began, unless it's a modern place.
I don't know anything about it, but the name suggests that it isn't.
Did the Head see all this?
Yes, she did.
And she looked directly at me.
Right, well this is massive!
What's the situation on the ground right now?
I don't know. She was in with the Head when I left.
Poor old Pam. Never thought I'd say those words!
-But you may already be crowned in your absence!
Right, oh, here we go! Woo-hoo-hoo!
Deputy Head, Deputy Head!
Look, I don't want to dance on the grave of Pam Bagnall's
brief time in office.
Well she might keep her job, you don't know!
I am reminded of nothing more than that Pope that was murdered.
Do you remember him?
-Yes, you do! Yeah, before John Paul II,
in fact, he was John Paul I, but not for very long.
Pam hasn't been murdered Roger, we don't even know if she's resigned!
The manner of exit isn't the corollary, it's the length of time in post.
This guy was Pope for slightly longer than Bagnall,
about a month. They brought him his breakfast one morning
(and he was sitting in bed, dead.)
Sorry, that is absolutely nothing to do with or like this!
When the panel billowed out the white smoke
and said, "Habemus Papam, it's Bagnall,"
I for one wasn't clapping her onto the balcony at Southmore school.
Well, I tell you what Rog,
if I go in on Monday and they offer it,
I'm just going to turn them down.
Slam them the way they slammed me.
-I'm going to say, "Thank you so much for your kind offer
"all you Johnny-come-far-too-lately bunch of food-tech hating
"wrong, wrong people. You got it wrong, you were wrong!"
-Yeah, and I really will say that, I really, really will!
-Yeah, I will.
Actually, Roger, I'm just going to say "No."
Flat. "No," like that.
-I'm not going to bother with the rest of it.
-No, I won't.
I'm just going to go, "You must be joking! No."
-And then I'm going to turn round and walk out.
Do you think Rhys will like his present?
I wouldn't have any expectations at all, Roger.
It takes a very long time for small children to feel safe in a place.
-He'll probably burst into tears when he sees us!
Well, we're strange.
And you're very tall, Roger, with dark eyebrows.
-Well, I still think it's a good present.
Well, ultimately, there's only two things you can do with a tent -
go in or come out.
Well, I don't think tent tedium has set in when you're two.
Roger, you can't just dump those bags!
Come on, they'll be here in ten minutes!
You've already wasted ten minutes that you didn't have
putting up a Wendy house.
-When have you ever seen me buy a big lump of Wensleydale cheese?
Yeah, so, you know, why have you bought it?!
Oh, cos it's Jean's!
No, it's not Jean's, it's mistakenly ours because I was in a hurry!
Yeah, well, I blame Jean for it.
If you hadn't been rushing, you'd have had time to check it
and seen that it wasn't mature cheddar.
How you've mistaken it is beyond me because it's a completely different colour!
And it's got the word Wens-ley-dale on it.
It does, though! Why have you made this mistake?
Maybe because it looks like Wendy house?
No, because it looks like a lump of mature cheddar!
No, but it doesn't, though!
Right, but the size and the shape and the cheese packaging
makes it look like mature cheddar, OK?
No, because I would have seen the W!
I wouldn't have made this mistake, I really wouldn't!
Val, where is Wensleydale?
I don't know!
Between Tuesleydale and Thursleydale!
Oh, is it(?)
Listen, Val, either you do this or you don't.
I take you at your word.
You said, "Invite them," and I bought a ring.
Yep, I got it wrong. OK.
I love you, Val.
And in that, there are going to be mistakes.
But it's a gift!
And yet, this whole visit is hinging on a lump of Wensleydale!
The Wendy house is from Peter Pan, Roger,
for lost boys who never grew up.
Well, I didn't know that. I mean, I had forgotten it, that's all.
And you've walked down aisles in the supermarket I never go to.
I never go down the toys aisle.
Yes, and I want to walk down that aisle with you.
I won't be able to come. And I don't think we can leave the Wendy house up.
-No, I'm taking it down.
No I-I don't think we need to go that far!
Yes, we do!
I'm not having it up in there.
I tell you what, Val, if you don't want to end up like one
of those Purvis Hall Country Hotel and Spa people,
you're going to have to like the people in your house,
whatever way they get there!
-Oh, that's someone's phone.
Yeah, that'll be Liam saying he can't come. Good news for you,
you can take the Wendy house down!
Val! It's the school! It's the school!
Hello, Val's phone.
Oh, hello, Jan. Yes, I picked up because I saw it was the school.
-(It's the Head!)
Yes, she is, she is here, yes. I'll just pass you over to...
N-N-Nice talking to you again.
Yes. Yes I did.
Yes. Well, this Purvis Hall Country Hotel and Spa place
seems to have been the key.
Right, well, Pam will have my every support.
(Is she telling you...?)
Yes, thank you Jan.
Of course, we'll speak on Monday.
Is she still in the job?
That school has a Bagnall bias!
Pam Bagnall has taken early retirement.
-And the head has asked me to consider the offer over the weekend.
Right, now the first thing we need to know...
I've just been made Deputy Head.
Roger! Oh, my God, look at the time!
Jesus! Jesus Christ! Roger! Come on, come round.
They'll be here any minute! Oh!
No, no, no, stop it! Stop it, Roger, it's cheese to bring you round.
-Oh, I don't like it!
-No, we don't!
What time is it?
I'm Deputy Head! Do you want an ambulance?
No, no, I haven't eaten all day.
-Phil chaired the cuts meeting at lunchtime and, as you can imagine,
I was the prominent voice of protest.
Be careful, Rog, around Phil, since you got reinstated. You don't want to get sacked again.
Oh, no, it's fine, I've stopped calling him child of Thatcher.
-Good, that's exactly the sort of thing I mean.
Now I call him Clegg.
I'm sorry I got it wrong.
Look, after they've gone, you still feel odd,
I'll get you to casualty, all right?
Oh, let's get real here - the only place I'll be heading is the fridge!
Where's that bottle of champagne?
The one that we got from the tribunal. Stick it in there.
No, I don't want champagne tonight.
Oh, for God's sake, Val!
Everything I've tried.
This is no easier for me, OK?
Where are you going?
Out of here. Somewhere pleasant with a garden.
I won't take it down!
No, you won't,
as I return to my political roots and stage a sit-in!
I said I won't!
Yeah, but you won't drink the champagne tonight. You won't wear the ring.
Oh, what is the point of that?
That is ridiculous behaviour, you're massive!
Yeah, well, I'll just sit. This is staying up
and I'm just making sure.
Roger, I am trying!
I have learnt a lesson from the Bagnalls -
don't worship Purvis Hall Country Hotel and Spa. You're right.
Worship the people in your own house.
Yes. People who get it wrong sometimes.
Come out! Come on, I won't take it down.
I don't believe you.
# We shall overcome
# We shall overcome
# We shall overcome, someda-a-a-ay
# Oh, deep in my heart... #
Oh, that is absolutely gorgeous!
# We shall overcome, some day. #
Valerie Stevenson, I'm the new Deputy Head, how do you do?
Got my ring.
# We'll walk hand-in-hand
# We'll walk hand-in-hand
# We'll walk hand-in-hand, Someda-a-a-ay. #
Come on, come out.
Put this in for Rhys to play with while he's here.
Thank you, Val.
Have a couple of sandwiches now, Rog,
if you haven't eaten. Just to tide you over.
I'll get it.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd