Episode 8 Room 101 - Extra Storage


Episode 8

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello. I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

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the show where three guests explain what really winds them up,

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in the hope that I'll condemn said things

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to the grim environs of Room 101.

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Our guest choices have been sorted into categories and in

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each round, only one item can be chosen. The final decision is mine.

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Joining me tonight are Labour Party legend John Prescott,

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comedian Micky Flanagan and actress Rebecca Front.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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So, let's get the ball rolling, let's have our first category.

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It's Film & Television, and let's have a look at Rebecca's choice.

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It's audience participation.

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Ah.

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BOOING AND HISSING

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Oh! Boy, I'm really popular here!

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That's a very fine example, right there.

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When you're in the audience of a show and you're settling down

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and just at that point when they say,

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"I need a volunteer from the audience," I'm always that one

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who sinks down into my chair and thinks,

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"They won't notice me, it'll be fine."

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But they're like dogs, these audience participation people,

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they smell fear.

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So the more you sink down into your chair...

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I don't think it's fear, is it, that dogs smell?

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So the more you sit there and try and be invisible, the more likely you are to get picked.

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And it's always me, always me.

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-So have you been called up on stage?

-Oh, loads of times. Honestly.

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There was a time when Al Murray and I took our respective families

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to a circus, and we both got pulled up on stage, by clowns.

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And it was hideous.

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He was trying to get us to enact some drama in which Al had to be

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a cowboy and had to shoot me and I was some floozy in a feather boa

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and I don't know what it was all about, I didn't understand it.

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At a given point, he handed Al this pistol and Al sort of went bang,

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and then he looked at me, this clown, and kind of went, "Urgh, urgh!"

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So I thought, "OK, I'm meant to die at this point."

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So I fell off the chair into the sawdust, which went all over my nice cardigan.

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-Oh, no.

-And at that point... Thank you for your sympathy!

-That's all right!

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I noticed my son, who at that stage was about,

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was a toddler, suddenly looking at us thinking,

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we came here to have a nice time and Uncle Al's just shot Mummy.

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You know, it was all wrong, it was a bad idea.

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I like it when the clowns run at you with the bucket of water and it's just glitter. That's great.

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No, it's not.

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The surprise, the fear. Oh, it's just glitter.

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LAUGHTER

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Admittedly, if your house is burning down, they're worse than useless.

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Panto would be downright dangerous, without audience participation.

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You'd have no idea if there was anything behind you or not.

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I think that's one of the sorry things in politics,

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that years ago, since I've been around for a few years, heckling

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at conferences, or indeed in audiences like this, was quite common.

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Now that's gone, largely because people like myself,

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if somebody makes a comment and heckles, I do my best to kick their head in before anybody else does.

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LAUGHTER

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Well, look, I know you're not a big fan of audience participation, John,

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because we've got a clip that proves exactly that.

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If you put together all of the numbers...

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WOMAN IN CROWD SHOUTS REPEATEDLY

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..and any of the others that come into a coalition deal,

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that only just gets you...

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Can you keep your mouth shut for a moment, love?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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OK, let's have a look at John's choice.

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LAUGHTER

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What is it, John?

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Well, it's pictures of me on television.

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For example, when I did that, I was at a rally and I was trying

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to bring home to people who were moaning that Gordon Brown is miserable,

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and I said, "I know he's miserable," and I pulled that face.

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The press then decide this is something they want as a story,

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and so they, probably wanting to make me look foolish,

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or the other one is you're looking aggressive and I think they think

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I'm aggressive, so they put that picture across.

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In this case, somebody came up to me a few weeks later

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and said, "Hello," he said, "I'd love to have your autograph."

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And I signed it and he said, "Thanks very much, Les."

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I said, "What do you mean, Les?"

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LAUGHTER

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Les Dawson was on in Blackpool, that's where it was,

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and they thought that was Les Dawson.

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You love it really, don't you?

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I mean, the Two Jags, how did that thing happen?

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Did you just buy two Jags?

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-No, I just had one.

-So what happened?

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Did you park it next to a mirror?

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I had one, it was an old XJS, I've still got it, and the Government

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came along and gave us another car.

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I became "Two Jags" in the paper, because that's the image they want.

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Just think if you'd have had Rolls-Royces, you'd have been known as Two Rolls.

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LAUGHTER

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I think they still call you that in Greggs.

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That's another picture they like.

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If they see you eating, fish and chips or whatever, that's the picture they put across,

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because it feeds that image... as if I'm fat.

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LAUGHTER

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The guy who you hit, did he ever sell his story?

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-What happened to him?

-Yeah, he got about 20,000 from the Mail.

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That can't be right, can it? Hold on a minute.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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OK, let's have a look at Micky's choice.

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What is it, Mick?

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Well, it's actually celebrity chefs.

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Ah, OK.

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I think they're over-valued, every time I turn on TV there's another one.

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They just keep appearing, they've all got their own little thing.

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Gordon's very angry, aggressive, crazy.

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I understand that, he's ended up doing a lady's job.

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LAUGHTER AND GROANING

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I'm joking! I'm joking.

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Most women can't cook nowadays.

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So, but it's no-one's job.

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But it's basically, it's this overblown idea

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of themselves as being really talented, and it's just cooking.

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All they've done is got organised. They've just got organised

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and they've got more time than everybody else.

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They're just saying, "I wasn't really any good at anything,

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"so I'll do a bit of dinner. Is that all right?"

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And you all have to go, "Wow! Crazy, man!

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"Look, he's using Sicilian lemons, wow!"

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LAUGHTER

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The British have had a very healthy attitude to food.

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It's generally there to line the stomach,

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that's generally what we use it for.

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The sensible people are going, "I'm going out at the weekend for 48 hours, drinking.

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"I'll have a jacket potato and a glass of milk, I'll be fine."

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Yeah, but I like... I don't cook,

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but I like the idea of eating new things that I've never...

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like when I first heard of mange tout,

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that was the...

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LAUGHTER

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..that was a discovery for me, and much better than the original Mange.

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LAUGHTER

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Whereas, when they got to Mange Three,

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I thought they'd run out of ideas.

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I enjoyed Mange The Early Years, that was a good one.

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You know, when I was growing up,

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cookery on telly was, there was a woman called Fanny Cradock.

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-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah, and she'd come in and she'd say, "Hello.

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"I'm going to cook a pie."

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And my dad would say, "Turn that over, will you?"

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And we'd turn it over.

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LAUGHTER

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And that was it, you know. Have you ever tried it, though?

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Have you ever tried, have you ever had an inspirational moment when you're sitting there watching it,

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you go, "That's it, I'm doing this"?

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"I'm doing it for her."

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I've tried to make, I've got down the book

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and it said, "Pumpkin risotto."

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I thought, "She'll like that. I'm making that, for my wife."

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And it said, "Take one medium-sized pumpkin."

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I thought, "I'll give that a miss, then."

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LAUGHTER

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What were you expecting the ingredients to be?

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But who's got a pumpkin?

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No, you're right.

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-You know, it wasn't Halloween.

-Yeah, it's a seasonal dish, really.

-Yeah.

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Or am I supposed to be like Jamie?

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"I'm just going to pop down the market and get a pumpkin.

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"All right, Shirl, any pumpkins?" "You all right, Jamie?

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"What sort of pumpkin do you want?"

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"A round one." "Oh, all right, we've got that for you. Catch, Jamie."

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"Cheers! Thanks, babe, wey-hey!"

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OK, well...

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LAUGHTER

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So, look, that's the end of that category and...

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I am a big fan of audience participation,

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so I'm loathed to put that in.

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And, John, I think you probably are slightly victimised

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by the media as to be made to look a bit like the Gruffalo.

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But you love it as well, I think.

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But you're right, I'm sick of watching cookery programmes on the telly,

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so I'm going to put TV chefs into Room 101.

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APPLAUSE

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Look at that.

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Job done.

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OK, so let's have our next category.

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Modern Life. Let's see what winds up

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John Prescott about modern life.

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LAUGHTER

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Hold on, John, you'll love this.

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CREAKING

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LAUGHTER

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Amazing.

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So what is it, John?

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It's goal celebrations.

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Well, you sit down and you watch football, I'm a director

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of a rugby team in Hull, and I notice the difference when there's a score.

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When there's a goal in football, they all start running over

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to each other and kissing each other and throwing their hands around.

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Years ago, when it was Stanley Matthews and he scored, he just walked away, didn't he, you know?

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And they all played more. Now they get down on their knees,

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pull their shirts out and go, "Wow!"

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And wait for the kiss.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I mean, what's that got to do with football?

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AUDIENCE: Get 'em off!

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Footballers are generally much more pansy-ish now than

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they used to be, you know.

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APPLAUSE

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Well, I can't...

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When I was growing up, in the game there was a thing called a fair barge.

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Do you remember the fair barge, Frank?

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-Shoulder to shoulder?

-Bosh, get out of the way.

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John's been using it in the chip shop for years.

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No, but I think people always say this about, you know,

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players, they're all millionaires and all that kind of,

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but, you know, these are massively skilled professionals

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and I think that those goal celebrations are the closest

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the working classes get to contemporary dance.

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The working classes! The working class don't act like that in football, it's these guys.

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Some of them come from that background,

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but in the real top teams, where a lot of goals are going on - I agree that in West Brom

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it doesn't happen very often, so you probably don't get many of these...

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AUDIENCE: Boo!

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I understand, I can't actually remember...

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I can't remember what goal celebration we do.

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No, that's fair enough.

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You know that thing when players have something written on a T-shirt under the shirt?

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I always worry that players have had one for years and never scored.

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A bloke scored at the Albion about two months ago

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and the T-shirt said, "Who shot JR?"

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LAUGHTER

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But the trouble is...

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The best one is when the celebrations go wrong.

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This is a Coventry player, right, and I really love this,

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as a post-goal celebration that doesn't quite make the grade.

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And Robbie Simpson ghosting into the box there and picking out

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the far corner, and that should be that for Coventry City.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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You're supposed to slide, is the idea.

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Let's find out what annoys Rebecca about modern life.

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It's other people's music.

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Ah.

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SCATTERED APPLAUSE

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Because when I was growing up, Muzak was the thing that everybody hated,

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you know, and people would complain about it all the time, piped music.

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Then they invented Walkmans and iPods

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and so you could listen to whatever awful music you wanted to

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listen to and nobody else would be bothered by it.

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And still you have it inflicted on you.

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And I think I have a particular problem with this

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because I am terribly kind of British and I'm very bad at speaking my mind.

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So when I get into the back of a taxi and they've got music radio on,

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I find it actually physically impossible to say,

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"I'm so sorry, could you turn the music off?" I just can't do it.

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About halfway through the journey, they'll say, "Sorry, is this music bothering you?"

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And by that time I'm so knotted up by having had to listen to power ballads

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for an hour and a half, that I'll just sort of go, "No, it's fine."

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So it's power ballads, that's the...

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-Power ballads, I'm not big on power ballads.

-Even this one?

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# Mandy

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# You came and you gave without taking

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# But I sent you away... #

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-Yeah, even that one.

-John, you must have sung that to Peter Mandelson.

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LAUGHTER

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There's that moment on a power ballad where they think,

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"To hell with the melody, I'm just going to shout any note I like." Listen, she goes crazy.

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# All by myself... #

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At this moment you think, "All By Myself, I quite like this one, it's fine."

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But no, she's not happy with this.

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She's thinking, "No, I'm singing it."

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# ..All by mySELF!

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# ANY MO-O-O-ORE... #

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THUNDERING DRUMS AS SINGER CONTINUES

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MUSIC STOPS

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APPLAUSE

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What about car horns?

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-No, that's all right, it's a quick blast, that's a warning.

-No, no.

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Do you remember the ones you used to get in the '70s?

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CAR HORN PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE

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-Oh, I love that!

-Bugattis.

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I bet you had one of those, Mick, am I right?

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I dreamed.

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And sometimes you used to get the cheap, the sort of home-made ones.

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Here is an example.

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CAR HORN PLAYS DISTORTED TUNE

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That sounds like a front-door bell.

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There is actually an explanation for that one.

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DISTORTED HORN PLAYS AGAIN

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Let's see what Micky doesn't like about modern life.

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Americanisms.

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AUDIENCE: Yeah!

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APPLAUSE

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You can put it back down now, Frank.

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LAUGHTER

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Don't get me wrong, I like America, I've been there many times,

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but when I go there I'm doing my best to communicate with the people.

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If I want chips, I'll say, "Can I have some fries?", you know.

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If I want crisps, I'll say, "Can I have some chips?"

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You know, I'll accommodate.

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Yeah.

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So when they come here, you've got to join in.

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I don't like the way we're sort of cheapening the British language

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by continually slowly Americanising it.

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I was in a restaurant the other day and the toilets were the restrooms.

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Are you resting in there, are you?

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Excuse me, how much longer will you be resting?

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"It's quite a big rest I've got to get out here, mate!"

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LAUGHTER

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Some of the Americanisms are brilliant.

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You know when you get extras in TV, like those people that play darts in the Rovers Return?

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We call them extras. In America they call them "atmosphere".

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LAUGHTER

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I love that.

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"Where's the atmosphere? Come on!"

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It can lead to terrible misunderstandings

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in the sexual area as well.

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Where is the sexual area?

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When I lived in America, I had an American girlfriend

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and was badgering her for sex that night.

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She said, "Micky, we are not gonna to make love tonight. Period."

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I said, "Well, that's fair enough, love."

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A friend of mine - this creeps into everyday language - a friend of mine

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phoned me up the other day and we were going for a curry and a couple of pints,

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and I said, "What time do you think you'll get there?"

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He said, "Oh, I'll probably rock up at about half eight."

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I said "Rock up?"

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I said, "You're 52...

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LAUGHTER

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"..you've got an hearing aid,

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"and last week you put your back out wringing out a flannel.

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"You're not rocking up anywhere, mate.

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"You'll get there about half eight."

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You know, it's this constant dressing-up

0:18:070:18:10

and trying to make things more exciting by using American language. It just drives me up the wall.

0:18:100:18:14

Yeah, whatever.

0:18:140:18:16

LAUGHTER

0:18:160:18:17

APPLAUSE

0:18:170:18:19

Well, they're all beautifully argued and I like Americanisms,

0:18:230:18:30

because I like the way that language moves and grows.

0:18:300:18:33

And I think celebrations of any kind in recession-hit Britain

0:18:330:18:36

are a thing to be happy about.

0:18:360:18:38

But I must admit, as bigoted as it may be, I do hate

0:18:380:18:41

other people's music,

0:18:410:18:43

so I'm going to put other people's music into Room 101.

0:18:430:18:46

APPLAUSE

0:18:460:18:49

Oh, let us have the next category, please.

0:18:510:18:55

OK, People is the category.

0:19:000:19:02

What kind of people wind up John Prescott?

0:19:020:19:05

People who shout on their mobiles.

0:19:110:19:13

I think everyone of us has got a mobile, I'm not against that

0:19:130:19:18

but particularly on trains,

0:19:180:19:19

now they say you can do it only on certain parts of the trains,

0:19:190:19:23

but you're sitting in the coach, people are using it

0:19:230:19:26

and then you get some who want to shout about everything, right?

0:19:260:19:29

They say, "Hello, it's Jimmy. Yeah, are we going out tomorrow night?

0:19:290:19:34

"Yeah, where will we be? We'll go down that pub down in Hull, OK?

0:19:340:19:37

"Will you be there? Yeah. Will you tell Mary too?"

0:19:370:19:40

I usually shout out,

0:19:400:19:41

"Anybody else want to go on this thing to the pub in Hull?

0:19:410:19:45

That usually quietens them down a bit.

0:19:450:19:47

-You really do that?

-Yeah. He said, "Are you always this offensive?"

0:19:470:19:51

"Yeah, only to buggers like you."

0:19:510:19:52

LAUGHTER

0:19:520:19:55

I love the idea of someone on the phone saying,

0:19:550:19:57

"Sorry if I sound a bit trembly.

0:19:570:19:59

"John Prescott is trying to turn the whole carriage against me."

0:19:590:20:04

Why don't you just punch them, John?

0:20:050:20:07

You have to talk though, on the trains, it's part of your job.

0:20:090:20:13

No, I've got no problem about people talking normally on the phone,

0:20:130:20:16

I find that quite acceptable, I'll use it myself sometimes.

0:20:160:20:20

It's the shouting that everybody hears in the coach

0:20:200:20:23

and I can't help but sometimes think they do it deliberately,

0:20:230:20:26

it's like emphasising a kind of importance,

0:20:260:20:29

who they're ringing and what they're doing. That is inconsiderate.

0:20:290:20:32

I must admit I have enjoyed it.

0:20:320:20:35

It takes all the strain out of eavesdropping.

0:20:350:20:38

Don't you think, Frank, if they are going to have the conversation

0:20:380:20:42

they should put it on speaker, so you can hear the other side?

0:20:420:20:45

There's nothing worse than going, "I can't listen properly."

0:20:450:20:48

That's the other thing, laptops - when people watch a film.

0:20:510:20:54

Have you seen this one? People will watch a film on their laptop.

0:20:540:20:58

I had a woman got on the train the other day

0:20:580:21:00

and she sat her kid behind me, she went and sat about five seats away,

0:21:000:21:04

put the laptop on and put Chuggington on for the kid.

0:21:040:21:08

I'm sitting there,

0:21:080:21:10

# Chuggington! Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga... #

0:21:100:21:13

LAUGHTER

0:21:130:21:16

What do you do?

0:21:160:21:18

I just went and sat with the kid.

0:21:180:21:20

I went, "This is quite a good one actually."

0:21:200:21:23

OK, what kind of people does Rebecca not like?

0:21:230:21:27

Whatever happened to my shoulders?

0:21:350:21:37

That speaks for itself.

0:21:370:21:40

People who come up and give you an unwanted massage.

0:21:400:21:44

I've got a theory that this might be something that

0:21:450:21:48

-annoys women more than it annoys men.

-I think you're right.

0:21:480:21:52

I have a suspicion that most men,

0:21:520:21:54

if they were given an unexpected massage, might be relatively quite pleased,

0:21:540:21:58

but there is a type of man, it's usually men,

0:21:580:22:02

it's quite often young men, a lot of young actors do it.

0:22:020:22:05

It's usually rather charming,

0:22:050:22:08

metrosexual guys who want to show that they're touchy-feely

0:22:080:22:11

and non-threatening and so they'll come up to you

0:22:110:22:13

first thing in the morning in a rehearsal say,

0:22:130:22:16

and they'll just kind of go, "Hi. How are you doing?

0:22:160:22:19

"Feeling a bit tense today."

0:22:190:22:21

Are they behind you or in front of you?

0:22:210:22:25

-Behind you.

-But they don't ask?

0:22:250:22:28

No, no. It's a very common thing.

0:22:280:22:30

They come up and massage your shoulders.

0:22:300:22:34

Also, I am quite a tense person quite a lot of the time

0:22:340:22:37

and I relish my right to remain tense for as long as I choose to be.

0:22:370:22:41

If I wish to stop being tense, I will go and see a physiotherapist

0:22:410:22:44

and get unknotted professionally.

0:22:440:22:46

I don't want some young person coming up and doing it for me.

0:22:460:22:50

I tell you what, it works with pigeons. I think...

0:22:500:22:53

-..my advice is that you get one of these.

-That's brilliant.

0:22:570:23:01

Can I have that? That's really, really useful.

0:23:010:23:04

Someone comes up with a quick massage and obviously they're in

0:23:040:23:07

a considerable amount of pain quite early on.

0:23:070:23:10

I mean, they're rubbish for pirates, obviously.

0:23:100:23:13

Also I'd keep bills paid and unpaid.

0:23:150:23:18

But the problem is, Frank, it's not just shoulders

0:23:200:23:24

-because you now get...

-What?

-When you go to the hairdressers,

0:23:240:23:27

you know when they wash your hair at the backwash thing?

0:23:270:23:30

It's the most uncomfortable thing.

0:23:300:23:32

You're lying with your neck in a ceramic vice

0:23:320:23:34

and your eyeballs are being seared by some kind of recessed spotlight.

0:23:340:23:38

You're lying there thinking, "I just want this bit to be over as quickly as possible."

0:23:380:23:42

Then they start to massage your head!

0:23:420:23:44

-As if that's going to be relaxing.

-Horrible.

-It's vile.

0:23:440:23:48

I hate having my hair washed by someone else.

0:23:480:23:52

You know that sink you lean back on,

0:23:520:23:55

I always imagine they are looking at my neck thinking,

0:23:550:23:57

"Oh, I'd love to chop his Adam's apple."

0:23:570:23:59

And once you get that in your mind, you cannot relax.

0:24:020:24:06

I'm a firm believer that men can't be pampered.

0:24:080:24:11

It just doesn't exist, pampering for men.

0:24:110:24:15

The minute anyone gets near a man and starts rubbing them...

0:24:170:24:21

..you start thinking sexual thoughts.

0:24:230:24:27

You're thinking, "I shouldn't be doing this in the barber's."

0:24:270:24:31

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:310:24:33

I've always assumed that's why they've put that cloth over you.

0:24:360:24:41

LAUGHTER

0:24:410:24:44

I always think of that as my privacy blanket.

0:24:440:24:47

What about that kind of modern relaxation that

0:24:480:24:51

I experienced a little while ago,

0:24:510:24:53

putting your feet in a bucket with fish.

0:24:530:24:56

-You haven't tried that?

-I have.

-I don't like the sound of that.

0:24:560:25:00

I bet you had chips in it as well.

0:25:000:25:02

LAUGHTER

0:25:020:25:03

Let's see what Micky doesn't like about people.

0:25:080:25:12

It's people who pay by card in pubs.

0:25:160:25:19

APPLAUSE

0:25:190:25:22

Absolutely infuriating. I mean, we've not got the greatest service record

0:25:240:25:29

in the UK anyway, you tend to have to wait quite a while to get served,

0:25:290:25:33

you're there, waving your tenner around like you're the king or something.

0:25:330:25:36

Then a bloke orders couple of drinks and I'm like, "Get some cash out, mate!

0:25:360:25:40

"You knew you were coming to the pub or did you fall through the door accidentally?

0:25:400:25:45

"Get some cash out. Why are you wasting my time? You knew you were coming here.

0:25:450:25:49

I just think it's people who are really tight, selfish, inconsiderate,

0:25:490:25:53

thinking, "Nah, I don't want to have any money on me.

0:25:530:25:56

"Oh no, I'll use my chip and pin.

0:25:560:25:58

"You're earning interest on every penny, 24 hours a day."

0:25:580:26:01

We have cash, we have this thing called cash. Get some out!

0:26:010:26:04

Spend it, you tightwad!

0:26:040:26:06

This is progress, though. isn't it, Micky?

0:26:060:26:10

What, taking 20 minutes to buy half a lager?!

0:26:100:26:12

I was on the train the other day, I went through to the buffet car,

0:26:120:26:16

sign on the thing, it said,

0:26:160:26:18

"We do not accept debit or credit cards. However, we will accept cash."

0:26:180:26:22

Christ, there's a breakthrough.

0:26:220:26:24

What were they using the bartering system yesterday?

0:26:240:26:28

Geezer walks up, "Excuse me, mate,

0:26:280:26:29

"if my wife shows you her tits, can I have a Kit-Kat?"

0:26:290:26:32

But it's progress. When I was a heavy drinker,

0:26:370:26:40

the thing that stopped me drinking even more

0:26:400:26:43

was I used to run out of money.

0:26:430:26:45

Whereas, a credit card is like a fabulous, bottomless pit.

0:26:450:26:49

The only thing that ruins your night is unconsciousness.

0:26:490:26:53

That old spoilsport.

0:26:540:26:57

I think you're out of date, Micky Flanagan.

0:26:570:27:01

This is cos you don't drink any more.

0:27:010:27:04

Yeah, I just got fed up of waiting to be served.

0:27:040:27:07

No, I think you're being a Luddite.

0:27:120:27:14

I think money will disappear and cards are the future, that's what I think.

0:27:140:27:18

And, Rebecca, I'm very tempted by your unwanted massage,

0:27:180:27:23

but I think some of these men, I think probably are trying to be nice

0:27:230:27:28

and do you a favour, so... And relax you and all that,

0:27:280:27:33

but I can see no justification for people who are shouting

0:27:330:27:36

their heads off on trains on mobile phones.

0:27:360:27:38

So, I'm going to put people who shout on mobile phones into Room 101.

0:27:380:27:43

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:430:27:45

OK, next category, please.

0:27:490:27:51

Ah, it's the Wildcard round. This time there's no restraints.

0:27:540:27:58

We're not asking you to work within a category,

0:27:580:28:01

just pick anything you don't like, it's as simple as that.

0:28:010:28:05

So what is Rebecca Front's wildcard?

0:28:050:28:07

-Beautiful.

-Air fresheners.

0:28:120:28:14

Really?

0:28:140:28:15

There are few smells in the world that can't be made worse

0:28:150:28:19

by trying to cover them up with an air freshener, in my view.

0:28:190:28:23

And we all know, you know,

0:28:230:28:24

there are some unpleasant stenches around, but, as an example,

0:28:240:28:29

many years ago, when my daughter was a toddler,

0:28:290:28:32

we'd just hit the motorway on the way to, you know, a long three-hour drive, and she was sick.

0:28:320:28:37

So we pulled into the first service station that we found

0:28:370:28:41

and we took the car-seat out and we scrubbed it clean.

0:28:410:28:44

I'm saying "we", I mean my husband, and then we bought an air freshener, because that's sort of what you do.

0:28:440:28:50

We didn't know what else to do, so we got an air freshener,

0:28:500:28:53

and the whole way there, for three hours, the car stank of vomit and apple.

0:28:530:28:57

LAUGHTER

0:28:570:28:58

It was absolutely vile and it really,

0:28:580:29:01

it kind of clings to the back of your throat.

0:29:010:29:03

It's a horrible chemically generated smell.

0:29:030:29:06

Whenever you go to someone else's house,

0:29:060:29:08

and if I go into the toilet in someone else's house

0:29:080:29:11

and there's air freshener, I always think, "Is this always here?"

0:29:110:29:14

Or is this, "Oh, Frank's coming round, we'd better get some air freshener."

0:29:160:29:20

LAUGHTER

0:29:200:29:21

But this is, without doubt,

0:29:220:29:24

the worst-smelling air freshener I have ever smelt.

0:29:240:29:27

This is macaroni cheese.

0:29:270:29:30

Can you just pass that on, because if anyone likes that,

0:29:320:29:35

I will be stunned. Just try that.

0:29:350:29:37

Oh! That's absolutely disgusting.

0:29:370:29:42

Is that one of the worst things that... Oh, John!

0:29:420:29:45

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:29:450:29:47

I don't know how much you're doing to break down

0:29:480:29:50

your stereotypical image tonight, John.

0:29:500:29:52

These are weird things, these are rose-scented moustaches.

0:29:550:30:00

LAUGHTER

0:30:000:30:01

And the idea is that you stick them on your side window,

0:30:010:30:04

I think is the normal place to put it, and I think the idea is,

0:30:040:30:09

if you're involved in road rage, they don't spot you afterwards.

0:30:090:30:12

So, if you're going...

0:30:130:30:16

Let's imagine I'm out driving

0:30:160:30:18

and somebody cuts me up, I'm driving, someone cuts me up, right,

0:30:180:30:21

so what I do is, I get the air freshener.

0:30:210:30:24

So you put that, you put the air freshener on the window and go...

0:30:240:30:28

HE MOUTHS SILENTLY

0:30:280:30:30

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:30:300:30:31

Who would have thought of moustache air fresheners?

0:30:370:30:40

It doesn't make any sense at all.

0:30:400:30:43

OK, let's have a look at John's choice.

0:30:430:30:45

It's the old school tie.

0:30:500:30:52

This tie, it communicates to people in our society, doesn't it,

0:30:520:30:56

which school you went to.

0:30:560:30:58

You can have an ordinary tie, but for the people who use it

0:30:580:31:01

to identify that they're of higher status than you

0:31:010:31:04

because I went to a certain school, or a certain university.

0:31:040:31:08

And it's the tie that indicates that.

0:31:080:31:10

But we go much further. I was filming for the BBC on class and I went to Henley, the boating weekend,

0:31:100:31:15

to watch it and observe it, and when you

0:31:150:31:17

see guys about 65, 70, going around with a Just William hat on

0:31:170:31:21

of a certain colour, a blazer with God knows how many different colours in it,

0:31:210:31:25

but the indication is the school you went to.

0:31:250:31:27

The class you belong to.

0:31:270:31:29

And in Britain, probably more than anywhere else, we do that.

0:31:290:31:33

And this is a symbol of that. I hate it.

0:31:330:31:35

OK, well, I suppose I've always,

0:31:350:31:37

I mean, I come from a working-class background, John, and I've always been...

0:31:370:31:41

I suppose, slightly envious of the old public school education.

0:31:410:31:45

You know what I mean? I'd like to have had a go at Quidditch.

0:31:450:31:49

LAUGHTER

0:31:490:31:50

I'll never know if I could have been good at that.

0:31:510:31:55

No, I suppose my point is, John, that it's very tempting, isn't it,

0:31:550:31:58

if you're from a working-class background to just hate the posh.

0:31:580:32:02

And I like to think, you know,

0:32:020:32:03

to try and find if they, you know, if there's something

0:32:030:32:06

lovable about them, not to just be dismissive, not to...

0:32:060:32:10

Well, just to take a serious point, 7% of our kids go to independent schools.

0:32:100:32:15

They take 60% of all the top jobs, that's because you've got the right tie.

0:32:150:32:19

Now that's not right, is it?

0:32:190:32:20

OK, well, I think, rather than despising the posh,

0:32:200:32:24

we should see them as figures of ridicule and fun.

0:32:240:32:27

LAUGHTER

0:32:270:32:28

You do need a way, though, Frank,

0:32:280:32:30

to pick out your old school friends, don't you?

0:32:300:32:32

If I'm at a party and I look around and I see people in overalls

0:32:320:32:36

and prison uniforms, I think they might have gone to my school.

0:32:360:32:39

On the subject of ties, by the way, this is a tie,

0:32:390:32:44

this is commercially available, this tie.

0:32:440:32:47

It has an inflatable section on the end and the idea is that if you're

0:32:470:32:54

on a journey and you get a bit tired, you can use it as a pillow.

0:32:540:32:58

Something fabulously practical about that.

0:33:010:33:04

OK, let's have a look at Micky Flanagan's wildcard.

0:33:040:33:07

The countryside.

0:33:120:33:13

LAUGHTER

0:33:130:33:15

I hate the countryside.

0:33:190:33:20

It's just, what do you do there?

0:33:210:33:24

People waffle on about it,

0:33:250:33:27

"Oh, you should spend some time in the countryside."

0:33:270:33:29

Why? What, to walk about?

0:33:290:33:32

I don't feel like murdering anything.

0:33:320:33:34

You know, and the people there,

0:33:340:33:37

they're always waffling on about traditions

0:33:370:33:39

and how the city people don't understand their way of life.

0:33:390:33:43

"Oh, you don't understand the land." Oh, don't I?

0:33:430:33:46

Oh, you plant things, things grow,

0:33:460:33:48

you cut them down and then we eat 'em.

0:33:480:33:51

Oh, I think I might have cracked it, hold on a minute.

0:33:510:33:54

LAUGHTER

0:33:540:33:55

You know, and it's just, and it stinks and all.

0:33:550:33:59

I go for long walks in the country and I like the fact you can just go

0:34:010:34:05

to the toilet when you want to go to the toilet.

0:34:050:34:08

You have to wait till it's dark in the city to do that.

0:34:080:34:12

It gives you a fabulous dog-like freedom.

0:34:140:34:17

I was on a walk in the Lake District, this is true,

0:34:170:34:19

and I saw a thing called an "honesty box".

0:34:190:34:22

What it was, it was a table with a box on it and in the box

0:34:220:34:26

there was things like cans of pop, chocolate bars, crisps

0:34:260:34:29

and you took them out and you just left the money in a tin on the side.

0:34:290:34:34

Can you imagine trying that in London?

0:34:340:34:37

No, because you'd be standing there with your chip and pin.

0:34:370:34:41

LAUGHTER

0:34:410:34:43

OK. Well, look, the best way of deciding this country dispute,

0:34:470:34:50

because I think there's something special and different and mystical

0:34:500:34:53

about the country, I thought we'd have some representatives

0:34:530:34:57

of the country and you can compete with them at what they do best.

0:34:570:35:02

I'd like to bring on Joe and Ben, who are two members of the Shin Kicking Association.

0:35:020:35:07

Please welcome Joe and Ben.

0:35:070:35:10

APPLAUSE

0:35:110:35:13

Hi, guys, you are shin kickers?

0:35:200:35:22

Yes.

0:35:220:35:23

And I believe, Joe, you're the world champion shin kicker?

0:35:230:35:27

-That's right, yes.

-That's...

0:35:270:35:29

Are you on shin kicker's list?

0:35:290:35:31

I might be, yes.

0:35:310:35:32

LAUGHTER

0:35:320:35:33

So could you, could you give us

0:35:340:35:38

a quick demonstration on how does shin kicking work?

0:35:380:35:41

-OK.

-Right.

-Right.

0:35:410:35:42

The idea is to get your opponent to the ground...

0:35:440:35:46

-OK.

-..by kicking his shins away, as hard as you can.

0:35:460:35:49

-OK.

-Do your worst.

-Ow!

0:35:490:35:52

So you kick from side to side. And to the front.

0:35:520:35:55

And Ben can have a go as well if he wants.

0:35:550:35:57

I'm all right.

0:35:570:35:58

LAUGHTER

0:35:580:36:00

You have a bit, you have... I hate to stop you,

0:36:060:36:08

but you have a bit of straw down there, don't you, so...

0:36:080:36:12

We have a bit of protection these days, yeah.

0:36:120:36:14

Yeah, so, Micky, we've prepared you some, some straw shin pads.

0:36:140:36:19

So if you'd like to slip...

0:36:190:36:22

BROAD ACCENT: "Arh, let me put them on."

0:36:220:36:24

LAUGHTER

0:36:240:36:25

You're just winding them up, you know that, don't you?

0:36:250:36:28

-There you go.

-"Good you on, Frank."

0:36:280:36:31

Are you sure about this approach, Mick?

0:36:350:36:37

Someone get in touch with Injury Lawyers For You a bit later on.

0:36:370:36:41

I'm going to get bundles out of this. I'll show you boys how to operate.

0:36:410:36:45

I have been to the countryside, I really helped your economy out once.

0:36:470:36:51

Oh, no, look...

0:36:510:36:53

No, I did, I bought a cream tea for £17.50.

0:36:530:36:55

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:36:550:36:58

-So right, OK.

-Grip the shoulders like that.

0:37:050:37:07

You have a free few hits so you get used to it.

0:37:070:37:09

-Then you're going to kick me up in the air.

-Well, if you want to.

0:37:090:37:12

Oh, come on, do it properly, man.

0:37:140:37:16

Now see, I don't think that's right!

0:37:160:37:19

Come on!

0:37:190:37:21

-Want me to show you how to do it properly?

-Please.

-Right.

0:37:220:37:25

Ow!

0:37:280:37:29

-Then with the left.

-It's all right, yeah, he's proved his point.

0:37:290:37:33

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:37:330:37:35

Well, what about a big hand for Joe and Ben?

0:37:390:37:42

CHEERING

0:37:420:37:43

So, Micky, I can't, I'm not going to let the countryside in,

0:37:500:37:53

because I think it is a mystical and wondrous place.

0:37:530:37:56

And I must admit, Rebecca, I am against air fresheners,

0:37:560:38:00

but I don't think it would be quite fair to say that

0:38:000:38:03

I'm more against them than I am against social inequality.

0:38:030:38:06

LAUGHTER

0:38:060:38:07

So I'm going to put the old school ties into Room 101.

0:38:080:38:11

APPLAUSE

0:38:110:38:12

OK, that brings us to the end of the show.

0:38:210:38:23

Well done, John, you were the most persuasive guest, so you are this week's winner.

0:38:230:38:28

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:280:38:29

And, as you've won,

0:38:340:38:36

you get to put one choice completely unchallenged into Room 101.

0:38:360:38:40

So what will that be?

0:38:400:38:41

End the title "Lord",

0:38:410:38:44

chuck it into 101 and let's be finished with it and just be

0:38:440:38:47

called "Mr," along with the other names you might get as well.

0:38:470:38:50

-So you'll never be called Lord again?

-No, get rid of it.

-OK.

0:38:500:38:53

-Are you still all right with Gruffalo?

-Gruffalo...

0:38:530:38:56

LAUGHTER

0:38:560:38:58

OK, "Lord" goes straight into Room 101.

0:38:580:39:00

APPLAUSE

0:39:000:39:01

So, thank you very much, Micky Flanagan, John Prescott and Rebecca Front,

0:39:040:39:08

and thank you, goodnight.

0:39:080:39:09

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:39:260:39:28

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