Episode 1 Room 101 - Extra Storage

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101, the show where

three guests battle to banish their betes noires to the notorious vault.

Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are Pointless know-it-all Richard Osman,

broadcaster Joan Bakewell, and comedian Roisin Conaty.

Right, then, let's have our first category.

Nature.

So I'd like to see what Joan Bakewell doesn't like about nature.

Gardening.

Oh.

Gardening. This represents my feelings about gardening.

LAUGHTER

-Brilliant.

-Who could like it after that?

That cost four grand!

I think it was worth it. So, what is it, Joan?

Well, gardening is housework out of doors. There's no difference.

Now, housework indoors has been streamlined, so it doesn't require

as much effort as it once did, but gardening, you've got to get down

on your knees on rubber mats that don't protect your knees,

you've got to wear clumsy gloves,

you've got hedge trimmers and wheelbarrows.

It's hard work. It's too hard work.

They don't reward the effort you put into it.

What about if you grow vegetables?

Then they... That's the gift that keeps on giving.

It's still hard work.

It's just easier to buy them at the shop, you know.

Some people love it, though, don't they?

Well, yes, but they love all sorts of strange things.

That is true. That's a whole other show, though, Joan.

Yeah, and it's probably on a bit later at night.

I just quite like that gardening is one of those things that we

haven't managed to make faster.

You buy something and say, "That is going to look lovely in May.

"That's going to look amazing."

You're going, "The rest of the year, it's just going to look like just some shrub."

It'll look lovely for a month. You think, "I'm going to put all that effort in, just for a month?"

A load of twigs, standing there, doing nothing.

That's everything in life. That's like, "Oh, I'm just going to

"cook this dinner and then eat it. Huh, what a waste of time."

"Shouldn't fall in love with this person.

"I won't be in love in ten years." Everything's only for a month.

Well, that's my second and third choice gone now.

A friend of mine was saying the other day someone knocked

on his door and said, "Have you lost your wallet?"

-He said, "I just saw a fox steal it."

-What?

And the fox had walked into his front door, got up

onto this thing, taken it,

and walked down the road with his wallet.

I bet you that was foxy bingo.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, let's see what Richard Osman doesn't like about nature.

This is zoo filler.

Now, what is zoo filler?

Zoo filler is all the rubbish animals in the zoo.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

When you go to a zoo, historically,

there's only five animals you go to the zoo to see.

There used to be four, there's now five.

You go to a zoo to see the lions, to see the tigers,

to see the monkeys, to see the penguins, and now,

in the last five or six years, to see the meerkats.

And that's it.

And everywhere around those five animals

they've got all sorts of things.

They've got fish. You want to see a pike?

So, hold on, I've got a lion over here, and a tiger over here.

I tell you what, why don't I spend ten minutes looking at a pike?

And before you get to the monkey enclosure,

they've got a moth exhibit. You might go and see the moths.

You just think, zoos know they can't just have five animals

because that's not a day out and they can't charge you £23.50.

They know that. So they pack the stuff with stoats and stuff.

They could hide them.

If they hid the big five and you had to seek them out,

that would be a day out.

The truth is they do cos you go along to a zoo, you never see

a lion or a tiger because they're asleep 20 hours a day.

The one animal that's not sleeping is the Amazonian stoat.

He's awake the whole time. "Come and look at me."

Not interested. Even when you're being fed, we're not interested.

You didn't mention giraffes. They're essential.

-Do you think?

-Oh, yeah.

Oh, what's the point?

-They're very tall, that's the point.

-Yeah, but you know what?

Who isn't these days?

LAUGHTER

I think I've gone into the zoo in the past thinking,

"I want to see the monkeys".

I went to Cotswold Wildlife Park, and I went specifically to see

the monkeys, and then I saw a giant tortoise,

which I wouldn't normally expect to see,

and I was really excited about it. It was really massive.

It's kind of like when you watch... When I first started watching

Pointless, I watched it for Alexander Armstrong,

and then it turned out there was another creature on it.

I like some of the signs that you get in zoos.

What about this? My favourite ever "danger" sign.

LAUGHTER

Oh, how wonderful.

-It makes it look like fun, whatever's happening.

-Well...

Unless you're the one in the wheelchair.

I like to think the crocodile has burped and she's going uphill.

LAUGHTER

Here's a thing, now, how are you with snakes?

-Do you find those exciting?

-God, no. Snakes, you stand for ten minutes, going,

"Where is it? Is that it in the back?"

Cos they're so well camouflaged, and then you see it and think, "Oh, there it is."

-They don't move.

-They are asleep for 22 hours a day, snakes.

Yeah. Here's a long...a long snake.

AUDIENCE GASPS

That was great from the crowd.

Some proper physical jumping in their seats.

Oh, my God.

Do you like the shop at the zoo? That's always a good bit.

I do like the shop. It's interesting, you know, the cuddly toys they get,

they are lions, tigers, penguins, monkeys and meerkats.

They're not doing cuddly toys of the moths.

This is my own personal favourite at London Zoo.

LAUGHTER

If you saw me coming from behind a hedgerow,

could you possibly think I was a lion?

That would certainly scare the foxes.

OK, then. So what doesn't Roisin like about nature?

AUDIENCE COOS

The most predictable reaction of the evening.

-Bambi.

-OK.

I think Bambi should go in Room 101,

because Bambi was the first cartoon that started off a whole

generation of sad cartoons, and I hate sad cartoons.

Life's hard enough for kids, as you get older,

and I think children don't need to see animals dying on-screen.

People say it's good for them, it teaches them about the horrors of the world. It doesn't.

As you get older, if you lose a parent, you don't go,

"Oh, I'm glad I watched Bambi.

"Really, I knew what was going to happen".

It just gives you a really horrible

afternoon with children who have no sort of coping skills.

I was looking after some of my friends' children,

and I thought we'd watch The Lion King, and I fell asleep and woke

up to four six-year-olds screaming, "Mufasa's dead, Mufasa's dead!"

Spoiler alert!

So, yeah, I think Bambi should go in Room 101.

Well, in case... Has anyone here...not seen Bambi?

Oh, you've never seen Bambi.

The bit that everyone talks about is when Bambi's mum gets it early on.

-So...

-I was gonna watch it this evening.

No, it's very early on. It's the sort of thing they put

in the trailer.

So, what's happened is

they're out and they're in the forest

and then we hear the sound of the hunter and the gun goes,

and they both run away and then Bambi stops,

looks over his shoulder

and realises that Mummy isn't with him any more.

BAMBI: Mother?

Mother!

Your mother can't be with you any more.

Can I point out that that is Bambi's father that appears at the end

and says, "Your mother can't be with you any more."

If I'm Bambi, I'm thinking, "Oh, that's it?

"That's the announcement of my mother's death? Thanks, Dad!"

There's no sense of him preparing for a life as a single parent.

-It's just off.

-Did the dad killed the mum, is that the story?

-No...

LAUGHTER

-It's not domestic violence.

-Is it not? Is it definitely not?

It's a hunter. She was shot by a hunter.

Yeah, I think that's the Tarantino version.

Do we know that the hunter was not a hired hit man, for example?

-Is it cleared up in the film?

-I wouldn't rule it out, anything.

I wouldn't rule it out. Put it in room 101.

I mean, it's desperately sad.

And the music isn't helping, is it?

Disney usually do Heigh-Ho or something.

-Even if you had your eyes shut you'd be crying.

-Yeah.

I think it's fair to say Heigh-Ho would've been inappropriate.

The dwarfs dragging the carcass...

LAUGHTER

I went to see Bambi when I was six years old.

And you're protected as a child from, sort of,

all of the horrors of the world. And I watched this.

I'd never come across anything bad happening.

And then I just thought, "I've obviously missed a bit.

"The mum hasn't come back,"

cos the stuff I was allowed to watch was the mum comes back.

So I left the cinema in bits.

And then I persuaded my nan to take me back the next week

cos I thought, "I need to see the bit where the mum comes back."

-So I went three times expecting...

-What?

I persuaded different members of my family I had to go

-and see Bambi again.

-Did you cry every time?

-Every time.

You kept going back? Oh, it's like Cheryl with Ashley Cole.

LAUGHTER

I cried at Lady and the Tramp.

There's a bit in that where the dog gets run over.

And I really did cry at that.

Also, I went to see Liza Minnelli Live.

And she sang Lady and the Tramp.

And I really annoyed everyone around me

cos I couldn't resist doing the dog-based backing vocals.

So, she went,

# He's a tramp. # and I went, "Ruff-ruff-ruff!"

LAUGHTER

And I knew I was doing, but you know the chorus when they go,

# He's a tr-a-a-a-a-a-mp. #

It's impossible for me to listen to it.

Anyway, look, I think you've all argued your cases very well.

I think gardening now is something that I'm thinking I'm going

to move towards, as I reach a certain age where

gardening seems apt.

And I like the idea of being close to the land,

-and all that.

-Yes.

-So I'm not going to put gardening in, Joan.

-Right.

And I feel sorry for those animals.

Just because they're not in the headlines.

They're like character actors.

I feel sorry for them. It's the zoos I'm having a go at, not the animals.

I learn - I go to the zoo and I meet an animal I wasn't expecting

and then I go away and I Google it.

And that's fun, for me.

But I agree, I think so much can happen in a cartoon film.

You can make animals talk and all wondrous things.

Why not just give them one little place in their lives

where bad stuff doesn't happen?

So, I am going to put Bambi into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

OK, let's have our next category, please.

It is modern life.

What doesn't Richard Osman like about modern life?

It's cobblers, Frank.

It's cobblers, because they shouldn't exist in modern life.

You know, by and large, the high street,

you sort of know what shops are for.

What on earth is the cobbler doing there?

What are they up to?

Given nobody has had a pair of shoes fixed since about 1967...

what's going on in that shop?

Well, let's... How many people here would go

and have their shoes fixed at the cobblers?

We'll have a show of... Show of feet. Show of feet. That's loads.

Richard, you've got it all wrong, loads of people go to the cobblers.

Do you know what? I'm choosing not to look.

LAUGHTER

OK, then. Why are people having their shoes fixed?

What's going on in the world? No-one is wearing expensive enough shoes...

-Expensive shoes last for ever.

-You don't wear high-heels...do you?

To be fair, they haven't invented the ceiling yet that would

allow me to wear high-heels.

You need to have heels renewed quite often.

Anyway, I don't think enough people are getting their shoes fixed

that these people are funding their shops,

so I'm deeply suspicious, is all I'm saying.

-Oh, they could be a front.

-Well, of course they're a front.

I think it's a given they're a front,

but what are they a front for?

-A lot of cobblers also fix keys.

-I know they do.

And that's part of my theory.

They're a front for cutting keys!

Oh, Frank. How naive.

What are the two things that cobblers' shops actually do? What do they actually do?

They cut your keys and they make house signs for you.

OK? So you're spending hundreds of pounds

making your house as secure as you possibly want, burglar alarms,

fitting all sorts of lock.

You're then going along to a man who pretends to fix shoes,

who you don't know, you're saying, "Here are my keys.

"I'll be back in an hour.

"And while I'm here, could you make a big,

"idiosyncratic sign to show you exactly where I live?"

And we wonder how they're funding themselves.

And then they wear your own shoes to burgle your house,

so they can't trace the footprints.

-Exactly.

-It's like the best episode of The Wire EVER.

-Can I ask a personal question?

-Of course you can.

-What size shoe do you take?

-I take a 14.

AUDIENCE GASPS

How lovely to get a gasp for your shoe size.

So I'd have thought...

Are they quite hard to find, size 14s?

Well, I tend to sort of leave them by the door, so it's...

LAUGHTER

OK. Well, I'm worried about cobblers, but you argue it well.

So, what doesn't Roisin like about modern life?

Me.

Selfies.

Yes.

Er, "selfie" is a word used for people who take

photos of themself relentlessly and put them online.

I don't mind a selfie where people sort of look ridiculous,

-but the sort of vain... Like that...

-Yeah, thanks.

But the sort of need people have to sort of document their own

existence to the point now they just take photos of themselves

looking nice, and, sort of, you have lots of young teenage girls

sort of pulling that face, doing that.

And anyone over 40 does take one like this,

sort of just looking into it.

And you know what's really upsetting,

is these people have got, like, 5,000 followers on Twitter,

and yet no-one to take a photo of them.

It's like at least have the decency to hide your own arm

so it looks like you were with someone

and someone else thought your dress was nice enough to photo.

-You can actually crop the pictures...

-Totally.

-..and get your arm off.

-It's the lack of intelligence that upsets me the most about selfies.

You know that famous Van Gogh self-portrait?

If you actually looked at the original version of that...

LAUGHTER

..that was actually a selfie.

Are you familiar with "hot dogs or legs"?

Sorry?

Hot dogs or legs.

-Are we familiar with hot dogs?

-I'm familiar with both of those things but not as an option.

Not "Are you familiar with either hot dogs or legs,"

the phenomenon of "hot dogs or legs"? No.

It's a selfie-based phenomenon.

So, what you have to do, people take a photo of themselves, maybe,

and you have to guess whether it is their legs or whether it's hot dogs.

Let me show you an example.

LAUGHTER

It's tricky, isn't it? I'll show you another one.

You'll get this one.

-What do you think?

-Hot dogs.

-Yes.

I think they've used the napkin to try and create a skirt...

Yeah. Went too far.

..to fool us.

This last one really... This confuses me.

I think that that's a leg and a hot dog.

LAUGHTER

-Because...

-Yeah, it's a leg on the left, isn't it?

Yeah, that one on the right, you don't get a thighbone that

bends in like that normally.

-I think that's legs.

-I think that's legs.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Can I just say - why are we doing the rest of the show?

Can we not just do this for half an hour?

I think I have a problem with photos in general.

-Really?

-Yeah, I think we take too many photos to try

and document everything all the time. That's a whole other Room 101.

When people come back from holiday, I'll give you a piece of advice -

if they've got photos, tell them to choose their best three.

I'm not going through 100 photos.

Choose your best three, think about it, then I'll have a look.

One good thing about the selfie is I used to send texts for various

-reasons to various people.

-Oh, dear.

-Uh-oh.

-No!

And then I thought, actually, I can save myself a lot of texting time.

I sort of use selfies in order to send messages.

So I've got a few examples that I use.

"I'm sorry I'm running late."

"Thanks for dinner."

And I haven't actually used this one yet, but I've got it in waiting.

Here it is. This is, "I'm having a heart attack".

They've saved me a hell of a lot of time, I must say.

Anyway, what doesn't Joan like about modern life?

Customer service surveys.

-Hmm.

-No options. None of the options that we want.

You're given options from - disappointing, good,

very good, brilliant.

What you want to tell them is fired up with real hatred

of what the experience has been like, and there's no scope for that.

They only want you to tick these boxes, there's no human emotion here.

Most people don't do these surveys at all,

so the people who have sent this round get a distorted view

that everybody has to tick something, so they tick "good",

and they say, "This product is an absolute hit with the public."

It's completely deluded.

Isn't it nice that they care about our opinion?

No, they don't care. It's a marketing ploy.

If they cared they wouldn't... This is advertising speak.

This is to placate the managing director.

This is to please the shareholders.

This is nothing to do with the service they give you.

They want praise.

Everybody wants praise, but this is a deluded way of going about it,

because you convince people you're running a successful business

when all your customers are furious with the lack of standards.

So, in the interests of consumers I think these should go in Room 101.

APPLAUSE

This is my favourite ever complaint in a cafe or restaurant.

That's written in ketchup and mustard.

Wow.

That's what they call complaining with relish.

Can I end this on a happy note?

On the subject of customer service, I love this.

A man took his eight-year-old son on holiday to the Ritz Carlton Hotel

in Florida, and when he left they forgot his cuddly toy, Joshy.

The child was in bits, and the dad said,

"Well, the thing is, Joshy, you know, he's getting on now.

"He's having a vacation on his own."

So then he desperately phoned the hotel and said, "Is Joshy there?"

They said, "Yeah, we've got it."

And he said, "OK, well, can you hold on to it for a few days,

"cos I've told him that Joshy's on vacation?"

And they sent back a series of pictures of Joshy enjoying

the hotel facilities.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

So, you know what? I love that story.

OK. So, I don't feel I can put cobblers in, Richard.

I just think we'll miss them.

And selfies, as I think I've proved,

can be a great practical boon in life.

But I can see little or no good, you've argued it so well, Joan,

I am going to put customer service surveys into Room 101.

Next category, please.

Oh, it's the Audience Choice.

So, it means that someone here tonight has got something

they want to stick into Room 101.

I think Margaret Wynne should be here tonight.

Are you there, Margaret?

-Hello, Margaret.

-Hello.

-Now, what would you like to put into Room 101?

Well, I'd like to put in Room 101 people who pronounce the letter H

'haitch.'

APPLAUSE

Is this commonplace, this, Margaret?

It is quite common, yes.

OK. It's a bit of a trap, though, isn't it,

H, in that everything suggests it should be a 'h'

cos we've learnt so much from H that there should be a 'h'.

-And then, of all the letters not to have a 'h', it's H.

-Yes.

I think it's brought it on itself, in so many ways.

Yeah, but you wouldn't say 'wouble U,' would you?

LAUGHTER

-Oh, we should say 'wouble U,' shouldn't we?

-That would be amazing.

-That's much better.

-I was watching Countdown this very week.

And a man on Countdown kept saying, "Constanant, please, Rachel.

"Constanant, vowel. Constanant."

And he wasn't corrected. On Countdown!

The very bastion of correct language.

So, you know, standards are dropping and we need people like you.

-Definitely.

-Pedants.

-Absolutely. Yes, absolutely. It...

It shows how ill-educated the person is who says 'haitch.'

Isn't it uneducated?

No, it's h-ill-educated, I think.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

But the language changes.

There was a time where you always had to drop the H

when you talked about a hotel. You talked about 'an otel.'

-That was correct pronunciation.

-Is that right?

'An otel,' you dropped the H. So, perhaps, we should drop the H.

No, I would never drop the H.

My husband and I had a conversation about it.

And we both decided it's 'a hotel.'

You sound like a fun couple.

LAUGHTER

I don't mind. I think people should speak as they want, by and large,

as long as they're understood.

The only thing I would change, there's only one thing

I say to everybody, is there is no such expression as 'would of.'

That's mine. You can't say it.

APPLAUSE

It's all down to etiquette.

Or, as my dad used to call it, 'etiquity.'

He honestly did.

I'll tell you what, Margaret, I love your passion about this.

And I love that you found someone else, clearly, who's also into it.

It must be like living with Roget.

So, you know what, I am going to put people

-who mispronounce H into Room 101.

-Thank you.

Well done.

Well done, Margaret. OK, can we have the next category, please?

It's the wildcard category, which means no restraints,

you can pick anything at all you don't like.

So what is Roisin's wildcard?

Greeting cards with writing already in it.

-Right.

-I can't bear them.

If you're going to bother buying and sending someone a card,

at least have the decency to write your own message.

Erm, and it's become, like, now they're like books.

You know those cards that have got pages of, like,

synthetic emotion that I can't compete with, so you're just like,

"To Mum, love, Roisin," like loads of stuff that's quite dramatic.

-Yes.

-I don't buy them, and my sister does,

and then my mum reads that out as if it's from my sister,

and then reads mine out, like, "To Mum, love you".

She's like, "Oh, you could've made an effort".

I'm like, "She bought it... Clintons wrote that, not her."

And I just think it's a sign of how busy we are.

Some people put quotation marks around three

paragraphs of other people's words.

As in, "What he said. That'll do."

I like to write under the verse,

"This is a fair approximation of what I feel."

I'm always at a loss on what to write on cards,

so I'm kind of glad for a bit of help.

This is a card,

this is for people who've recently split up in a relationship,

and it says, "You're the strongest person I know."

I sent one of those to Geoff Capes.

Look, "And I totally believe in you."

How lovely.

It didn't really apply to anyone that I knew,

so I got a bit of Tipp-Ex...

and I just gave it a bit of a...

And now I can send them to loads of my friends.

LAUGHTER

See, you've just got to give it a bit of thought.

I just think we're losing honesty.

By buying a blank card and having the guts to write a badly spelt,

woefully articulated,

earnest message of something to someone should matter.

And I think buying a card that does it all I find really depressing.

We've got a picture of a card here.

This is a birthday card for a one-year-old. Get a load of this.

It's a fairly standard one. It's your first birthday.

Old-fashioned card, but cuddly and lovely.

Any one-year-old would be pleased to receive that.

And then on the back it says...

"Not suitable for children under three years due too small parts."

This is slightly sad, but a friend of mine was bereaved recently,

and I sent them this, "With deepest sympathy card",

and, er, I went for the...

You see, you condemn the selfie, they're so versatile.

OK, well, let's see what Joan's wildcard is.

Chewing gum.

AUDIENCE GROANS

How vile is it?

You mean generally or on pavements?

Altogether, because it loses its flavour after ten seconds,

then you've got a mouthful of rubber.

It doesn't do anything.

It just sticks there, and your jaw chews around at it, makes lots

of saliva, horrible, and you look ridiculous, so you spit it out.

Then it disfigures the environment.

It spoils the pavements, it sticks to people's shoes,

and it sets up these spots everywhere,

which are very expensive to remove, and are just a disgrace to the

environment, which we want to be beautiful.

So, it really is a threat to the fact that we would like our cities

to look good.

And people are irresponsible, just throwing it out. Dropping it.

The trouble is, as my mother told me,

if you swallow it, it sticks your insides up.

Did you used to pull it out, and do that with it?

Yes, I used to do that.

I've done that with catarrh.

Oh, my God.

Well, I have one thing that might win you over, Joan,

and this is something which I think is pretty impressive.

There is a man, and he's called Ben Wilson,

and Ben Wilson is known as the chewing gum man.

Now, we have a photograph of Ben, doing what he does.

Ben actually paints those chewing gum splodges on the pavement

which annoy you so much. Now, Ben is here tonight. Where is Ben?

-Hello, Ben, how are you?

-Well done.

We have a couple of examples of your work, Ben,

just to give people an idea.

This is a scene from Archway in North London.

Wow.

And this is a full English breakfast.

And can I say, they're definitely sausages.

So, how did it all start, Ben?

Well, for years, I worked as an artist,

and I'd been painting a lot of pictures on billboards,

defacing the advertising because

advertisers have a monopoly over public space,

and it was a way to make creativity happen in a more spontaneous way.

And technically, if you paint on the chewing gum,

it's not criminal damage.

Oh, cos you're not painting on the pavement.

You're not painting on the pavement.

The City of London Police tried to get me on a criminal damage charge.

They did arrest me. But I won my case.

They couldn't make the charges stick.

Well, look, Ben has done something very wonderful,

because he has mounted some chewing gum on a brick,

and this shows us the life, basically, of Joan Bakewell.

If you can see that,

down there you've got Joan as a child with her family.

-Good heavens!

-Then Joan in the '60s.

Then Joan as a '70s TV presenter, and then Joan, there she is,

-as she is now.

-Wow.

And they're really good likenesses. That's fabulous.

What can I say? I can't retrieve my hatred of this kind of gum,

but can you get round faster?

But if people didn't spit it out,

-poor old Ben wouldn't have anything to paint.

-No, no.

It's beautiful. What about a big hand for Ben? Fabulous art.

OK. So what is Richard's wildcard?

It is people telling me I'm tall.

Because, believe me, I know. I already know.

I'm reminded in my daily life - I bump my head on things,

I get tutted at in cinemas and what have you.

I don't need people endlessly coming up in the streets

and informing me of the fact.

I'm 6'7", or I'm 6'8" if I'm trying to get an upgrade on a plane,

but, lots of people come up to you in the street,

and people are interested if you're tall,

and it's exciting and people are lovely.

So, by and large, it's fine.

But it's the people who shout out of car windows,

"Hey, you're tall, mate!"

Are you approaching a low bridge when they call that?

It's a warning.

I'm approaching a high bridge. It looks like a low bridge.

So, people actually tell you that you're tall?

Oh, endlessly.

There's a class of people who delight in telling anyone they're different.

For most people,

differences are wonderful things and we celebrate them.

Most people are like that, but there are a group of people as well,

who, whatever it is in their brains,

will delight in letting you know that something about you is unusual.

I mean if your shoelace is undone, that's good. That's helpful.

If you're telling me I'm tall, I promise you, it's covered.

-The good thing is, you'd be a really good meeting point...

-Yeah.

If there's a group of friends somewhere, we're going to find you.

I'm genuinely good for that, it has to be said. People don't lose me.

-I can go to Glastonbury and people know where I am.

-That's great.

You're virtually a flag.

LAUGHTER

I was in a shop the other day, and people quite often ask me

to get things off high shelves...

-Do they really?

-As I say, most people are lovely.

So I'm in a shop and there's a lady, must have been 70-odd, very, very short, and she said,

"You couldn't get me some eggs from up there, could you?" I said, "Oh, absolutely".

So I got them and gave them to her, and she just went,

"Is there anything I can get you from down here?"

LAUGHTER

I've invented something. It's called the height reversal platform.

-OK.

-You're nine inches taller than me.

-Uh-huh.

And it must be, for you, thinking, "God, what's it like for Frank

"being next to a man who's nine inches..?"

So the height reversal platform, if you'll come and join me, Richard,

means that we can show you what it would be like if you were me...

-OK.

-..as it were.

So can you bring on the height reversal platform, please?

-OK.

-I've got you.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-So I stand on here, you step into those...

-Ah.

This is what you're like to me.

-God, you're tall, aren't you?

-Yeah. Can I try these?

There we go.

There you go.

People watching this will think,

"Yeah, God, that Richard Osman's dressed smart."

Or they might think, "Blimey, Michael Gove's tall."

Actually, it'd be interesting to see what would happen if we, er...

-If instead of balancing, it made things...

-Reverse around.

-Yeah.

-Let's blow people's minds, Frank.

LAUGHTER

Thank you, Richard.

The height reversal platform, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING

I love the removal men.

They're like something from Laurel and Hardy, aren't they?

So, Roisin, I've often been very glad of a bit of help with

a greetings card, I must admit.

Although the poetry's bad, it means I don't have to write stuff,

so I just can't put that into Room 101.

Joan, you argued so well, and I am anti-litter, very, very much so,

but I just thought Ben's art was so good,

I just don't feel I can put it in.

But, Richard, I do feel for you.

Can anyone watching just... He knows. He knows.

And consequently, I'm going to put

people telling Richard he's tall into Room 101.

And that brings us to the end of the show,

and well done, Richard, you were the most persuasive guest tonight,

so you are tonight's winner.

So, thank you very much to Richard Osman, to Joan Bakewell

and Roisin Conaty, and thank you, good night.