Episode 2 Room 101 - Extra Storage

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests compete to cast their greatest gripes

into the notorious vault that is Room 101.

Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are comedian Henning Wehn,

musical star Michael Ball, and actress Caroline Quentin.

APPLAUSE

So, when you do this show you're asked what you don't like.

Is that a difficult question for you guys?

Yeah, I love life, but there are a lot of things that annoy me.

And it's quite hard to limit it down to three, I found.

Well, I'm angry at least three times a day.

So if not I really feel like I'm missing something,

and then I'm really furious about that.

LAUGHTER

OK. Let's have our first category.

Modern life. So, what winds up Michael about modern life?

There isn't a person who won't agree with this.

It's the junk mail that we get.

That dread. You go away on holiday, and it's bad enough travelling,

but, you know, you come, you put the key in the door,

you can't open the door because it's mounded up, piles and piles.

You get the same...

How long do you go on holiday for?

LAUGHTER

I don't know if it's just me they pick on,

but you get the same thing, the same bloody pizza delivery thing.

Don't bother. I don't want it.

I don't know anybody who ever responds to this stuff.

No. I don't think anybody actually picks it up and goes,

"Ooh, that looks yum, I must go and get some of that."

Younger people do.

I mean, it's just...

LAUGHTER

No, it is. I mean, that's just something...

I mean, if people have reached a certain maturity,

so then they'll just say, "Oh, I'm set in my ways,

"I don't need to find out..."

LAUGHTER

More dynamic people might go, "Ooh, there is a new pizza place!

"I must try that out".

Have you considered, at least, a sign?

-You know those "no junk mail" signs?

-I've got one!

And they go, "Oh, that's nice." In it goes.

I like this sign that someone's put on their door.

No, that IS my sign.

One thing that puts me off a bit is the pizza, I have discovered,

is not pizza that's photographed at the shop.

-It's Google Image pizza.

-Really?

I have this same problem with those postcards you get in phone boxes.

It's not them!

Have you considered recycling?

No. In what way?

-Well, I had this idea. Do you own a dog?

-Yeah, two.

You know when they get an operation and they have stitches

and you have to put those funnels on?

Look at this.

LAUGHTER

This is classic recycling. I'm thinking I could market this.

It would suffocate him over time.

There's only so many leaflets you can stick in there.

Yeah. I'm not going to keep adding leaflets to it!

Yeah, but what are you going to do with the rest of the leaflets?

I'm going to make more. I'm not working on one dog.

What kind of a market is that?

Look, actually, I've been

putting leaflets through people's doors advertising this.

LAUGHTER

You see, it works as a....

It works as a skirt, as well.

Doesn't a dog look better in a skirt?

We have a clip of someone who seems to hate junk mail as much as you do.

DOG BARKS MANIACALLY

That's brilliant.

I want to manage what comes in and out of my house.

It's like vampires.

They'll only come in...

LAUGHTER

Work with me.

Vampires can only come into the house if you invite them.

-Really?

-Absolutely.

-Is that right?

-What?!

-I didn't know that.

Do you watch no television?

If you say to a vampire, "You can't come in my house."

They can't come in.

They have to be invited into your house,

in order to then suck your blood.

Are you sure you're not thinking of the Jehovah's Witnesses?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What winds up Caroline about modern life?

Control pants.

LAUGHTER

Undergarments designed for women, primarily,

I think almost exclusively,

that are meant to hold in the bits of pork that want to get away.

I find them uncomfortable and hideous and ugly and useless,

and also I think what's sexy about people is how they move,

and if you actually make someone immobile when they're going out,

I think that's not sexy.

I had never heard of the word, "control pants".

I assumed that was like a euphemism for, like, control freak.

Like, "Oh, yeah, he's a right old control pants, he is".

I have been subjected to these for years.

People always say to you, "Oh, is it a photo shoot? Slip those on."

And they hand you something...that big.

Actually those.

Yeah!

And then you go off into a corner,

and then you cram yourself into some Lycra.

As we know in life, what goes up, must come down,

and in my case...

..everything tends to come upwards.

So this bit of my person rises to about here,

and then I can't eat or move for the rest of the day.

Maybe if it came out the top,

you could have a self-generated snood.

Are they nice and warm?

Yeah.

Well, they're very, very warm.

I don't know about nice and warm, they're incredibly hot.

I wear long johns in the winter.

But when you're going out for dinner or something,

you're going to dress up nicely, Henning,

you don't think, "Oh, I'll put some long johns on

"under my dinner suit," do you?

Depends on the outside temperature.

LAUGHTER

Women in this audience will know exactly what I'm talking about,

and I don't think you understand

quite how grim they are to wear, these things.

I'm very thin, with a little potbelly.

I look like...

You know when you see those pictures of a snake that's swallowed a goat?

So, I really... A girdle would be perfect for me.

As it is, I just opted for a desk.

I'd rather wear a desk.

OK, then. So what doesn't Henning like about modern life?

Yeah. Well, there is nothing wrong with buckets.

LAUGHTER

But what they're used for is evil.

So what I absolutely hate is anything to do with fundraising.

-You know...

-I thought that'd get a big round of applause!

You know them e-mails, don't you, Frank?

Them e-mails that go like,

"Ooh, I'm going to do a fun thing I always wanted to do.

"Give generously."

What?

I've just done one of those, and I sent all my friends an e-mail

saying, "I'm doing a 30-mile... Please sponsor me."

Next time, I'm going to do that to you.

What response will I get?

Well, I'll send you lots of junk mail round.

I think it's outrageous. I mean, if you want to do something,

why do you bother other people about it?

I think it's outrageous!

It's like a friend of mine

recently went on a 100k fell walk in the Pennines,

and he was seriously angry with me for me not donating any money.

I said, "Listen, where I'm from,

"you going for a walk shouldn't set me back."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You know all them e-mails, don't you?

Like, "Oh, I'm going to go to Rio de Janeiro,

"sunbathe on the Copacabana and watch football at the Maracana...

"for charity."

We have a clip here. You'll like this.

This is students trying to raise money for their rag week.

-Rag week?

-What's that?

It's a charity event in universities and colleges.

Total waste of time, they should study instead.

Well, the idea in this is they send balloons

with the names of their sponsors out into the world,

and if you find one of these, you send it back.

The first one back wins a prize.

So, this is the grand launch.

-CROWD:

-Five, four, three, two, one, launch!

CHEERING

BALLOONS POP

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

The worst month to live in the UK, without a shadow of a doubt,

is November...

and that's got nothing to do with Remembrance Sunday.

Or, as I like to call it, Highly-Selective Remembrance Sunday.

LAUGHTER

You're so on a winner here.

The thing that really drives me...

You're used to losing, so...

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

APPLAUSE

It's started.

Yeah, thanks for bringing that up.

LAUGHTER

That Hitler was a right control pants, wasn't he?

LAUGHTER

Sorry, Henning.

Because in November, there's people coming up to me asking me

for my hard-earned, because they are not shaving.

-Movember.

-That Movember nonsense. I mean, what's the next step?

Getting beaten up if you maintain standards and do shave?

Who is behind the Movember movement?

Is it the Taliban?

Ridiculous. Start to finish, ridiculous. And everyone's at it.

Everyone's at it.

Ian Botham, he didn't get his OBE for playing cricket.

He got his OBE for walking all the way from Cornwall

to the north tip of Scotland for charity,

and Eddie Izzard running 50 marathons in 50 days,

and David Walliams swimming across the Channel

and down the Thames for Comic Relief -

or, to be more precise, his own ego...

LAUGHTER

They're all very British achievements, aren't they?

Walking a lot, running a lot, swimming a lot -

they're all very British achievements,

because nothing's been produced.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

How would you raise money, then?

In Germany we don't do charity, we pay tax.

And we haven't heard of that in this country (!)

I must say, one thing which annoys me,

I do a lot of celebrity TV shows.

If you do Celebrity Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

you don't win anything, you have to give it to charity.

I don't like it.

LAUGHTER

You know when he holds the cheque and says

"We don't want to give you that",

I always want to say, "Yeah, and I don't want to give it to charity.

There should be a special celebrity one where celebrities win money.

It should be called, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (Again)?

LAUGHTER

Anyway, we come to the end of the Modern Life round

and it's been fun.

The control pants thing, I can understand how they are a restraint,

but I think that they...

There's something that's a little bit intriguing

and exciting about them.

That's why they should go, Frank.

I'm sorry, Caroline. I know what you mean,

but I am not going to put control pants into Room 101.

AUDIENCE: Aww.

That sounded like a lot of people taking them off.

LAUGHTER

That's exactly what it's like!

Junk mail. I never understand why people get so angry about junk mail.

I'm always interested to find out about a new takeaway

-or local cab firm.

-You're weird.

I have to say, although it goes against all my inner goodness,

that you have argued your case so well,

I am going to put fundraising into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

Right. Let's have our next category.

People. Right. What kind of people doesn't Caroline like?

I don't like clairvoyants...

Oh.

..because I don't believe in clairvoyants.

I don't like them for lots of reasons, but it seems that

everybody here kind of understands what I'm talking about.

I went to, erm...

It was a show, and I went along to see three people

who claimed to be able to see...beyond.

First of all, we were introduced to a lady who walked out and said,

"Oh, oh, oh, I've got... Oh, something's coming through."

You get to a certain age...

She walked in front of the audience, she said, "Yes, I can feel something

"coming from this bit of the audience here, something coming through."

This woman, I think, just took advantage by saying things like,

"Oh, oh! There's an old man.

"He's got glasses on. He's using a stick.

"Does anyone know an old man who uses a stick?"

It's like, what are the chances?

"And he's died. I think he's not breathing very well.

"I think when he died, he had trouble breathing."

That's what dying is!

It was humiliating and embarrassing and it was slightly cruel.

-But do you think anyone has a gift?

-No.

-Can sense things?

I'm basing it on this evening of clairvoyancy,

at the cricket club. And...

LAUGHTER

you know, I wasn't convinced by anybody.

At one point, she said, "I've got Swansea coming through. Swansea."

And no-one said anything at all.

She went, "Anyone been to Swansea, ever?"

No-one, nothing at all, and she went,

"DVLA? Anybody got a car?"

It was desperate.

A friend of mine went to see one in Watford.

He swears this is true.

This bloke come out and says, "I've got the letter D. The letter D.

"I've got a name. The letter D. Anyone? The letter...

"Dad".

LAUGHTER

This brings me on to Derek Acorah.

Who doesn't only speak to humans in the world of spirits.

I'm joined here, please, by a real bright spark.

He's only small in stature but, woosh!

Did he have a bit of a dynamo, this dog!

What I mean, about his energy.

Erm... Thank you.

I'm going to describe, please, he's only a little guy.

We would call him... OK...very small legs.

Small body.

Tail clipped.

He's white and he's got brown...light brown patches and dark brown patches.

Would that fit with the memory of your dog?

Near enough, he was...black with a white...

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

That's near enough, isn't it?

What about Uri Geller?

To be honest, I've not witnessed Uri's...talents.

I'll show you how remarkable

the psychic powers of Uri Geller can be.

This is in Croatia,

and just in the street he decides to show his powers.

HE WHISTLES AND CLUCKS

HE COOS AT THE DOG

Guess the age of the dog, please?

I can tell exactly. This dog...

is nine years old.

Seven and a half, nine.

LAUGHTER

Who's dog?

Your dog?

Is he about eight years old?

-Two and a half.

-Only two and a half!

LAUGHTER

OK. So what sort of people wind up Michael?

People who wear comedy pants, socks and ties.

They're the most pointless things going. They're never funny.

They, I think, are worn by people who show a lack of humour.

Especially the Christmas ones that have a reindeer

with a flashing nose on it,

and you'll get three of them at midnight mass at Christmas...

-SLURRING:

-..who'll press the nose, and it'll play Jingle Bells,

and it's hilarious!

And it's not.

If it's for the occasion, say it's Christmas,

and there is a little snowman on it, by all means.

Don't have to be draconian on everything.

LAUGHTER

At last, the voice of reason!

I'm a bit scared about this category, I've just realised,

because I remember the last time I saw a comedy tie

was last Christmas on my father-in-law!

And I'm really scared he's going to be watching this

and I'm going to say, "I don't like them either,"

then next Christmas when he wears one...

-Did you buy them for him?

-No.

Who bought him that?

-You did!

-I didn't, I didn't!

Who bought him...? Why would you humiliate somebody...?

This is like a really bad episode of Poirot.

Who bought this tie? We must know.

I think, with the ties,

I've got a tiny bit of sympathy for people wearing comedy ties.

They work in an office and they're forced to wear

shirt and tie all day, every day, and then probably,

as a tiny act of rebellion, they decide, "OK, I'll wear a comedy..."

I mean, they still look like plonkers, don't get me wrong.

So I can understand the psyche of why they say, "OK, I'll put one on."

Have you never seen a tie which is sort of a comedy tie

-that you've thought, "Actually, that's quite a good tie?"

-No.

I've got one. I think this is quite funny.

If we can actually read that.

It says, "Fat men are harder to kidnap".

I bought this for Terry Waite.

-And, you're right, he didn't laugh.

-No.

And pants, as well. Comedy pants, comedy socks.

They're pointless. They're always cheap.

They're vulgar.

Well, what about these? These are for men.

They're for men who like Maltese Terriers, and it says,

-"My heart belongs to a Maltese".

-They're not really for men.

They're not for men. They're not for men. That's never for a man.

They are for men.

Dog pants on a man looks better than human tights on a dog.

LAUGHTER

That's horrific. That's horrific!

-I like a comedy sock. And in fact, this evening...

-Uh-oh.

-Oh, God.

-I have... You'll like these.

APPLAUSE

Yeah, we love those.

-Do you know what? I love them.

-I knew you would!

OK. Well, what sort of people...

LAUGHTER

..make Henning Wehn angry?

Oh, dear.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

BOOING

Now, come on. They're my lot. I can make fun about them.

I suggest we abolish the monarchy, because I feel, well, see,

-I feel so sorry for all the members of the

-Royal Family. Why?

Well, because, you know, life is about bettering yourself,

but, when you're born into the Royal Family,

how are they going to better themselves?

"Here's everything."

"OK, then."

And then all you can do is try and drop not too many balls

over the course of your life, so I think it's unfair on them.

So, now imagine William and Harry born into a regular family.

I mean, you could easily see Harry getting a job at a garage,

and William, I mean, who is to say William couldn't make it up

into middle management in a recruitment company?

Let's abolish the monarchy and give them an opportunity

of upward social mobility.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I've got a soft spot for the sort of crazy soap opera of the royals.

I really like Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie.

I'd like to hang out with them. They look like a really good laugh.

You saw them at the royal wedding?

I bet you they bought those hats for, like, a Halloween party

then one of them said, "Hey, let's wear it for the royal wedding,"

then they went, "Shut up!"

-LAUGHTER

-I mean, they are incredible, the royals, aren't they?

Absolutely incredible, how they manage to create a worldwide profile,

like the royal wedding that was watched

by three billion people worldwide,

that is just incredible. Even in London,

there was one million people lining the streets of London

to see over-privileged people drive non-competitively.

LAUGHTER

They've got an amazing pulling power, you have to give it to them.

As we all know, they are essentially German, the British monarchy.

Well, not all Germans are good people.

LAUGHTER

I mean, Queen Victoria apparently spoke with a German accent.

This is... This is not a joke,

this is literally the voice of Queen Victoria.

SCRATCHY RECORDING

VOICE BARELY DISCERNABLE

I see why they named a railway station after her!

George V was the Queen's grandfather.

Apparently, he was the first monarch to speak without a German accent

since 1714.

Even the Duke of Edinburgh, his family name

is Schleswig Holstein Sonderburg Glucksburg.

# Everybody's talking 'bout pop music. #

So, have you ever... Have you met them? Any of them?

You would think they'd invite me round for tea,

-but, no, never met them.

-But there is...

-Have you, Michael?

-Well, once or twice.

Here's a clip of Prince Charles at the Doctor Who studios in Cardiff,

so he must be all right.

DALEK: We are the masters of this planet.

EXTERMINATE!

Would you like to have a go?

-I don't think my voice will...

-Give it a go.

-Do you make it...?

-You have to do some serious hectoring.

-DALEK VOICE:

-You have to!

-DALEK VOICE:

-Exterminate!

Exterminate! Exterminate!

That's very good.

There's a bit later, which we couldn't show,

when he starts going, "Mum, abdicate! Mum, abdicate!"

So that is the end of the round

and I am not going to put the Royal Family in,

because I just love all that pomp and circumstance.

APPLAUSE

And I'm not going to put comedy socks, pants and ties in,

because I identify with the office joker and his wacky sense of humour.

I think that's marvellous. But you're right, clairvoyants,

although they are extremely entertaining,

they're also extremely exploitative, in many ways,

so I am going to put clairvoyants into Room 101.

Quite right.

Next category, please.

OK, it's the wildcard. So, the gloves are off.

You can choose anything at all that you don't like.

What is Caroline's wildcard?

Knick-knacks.

Ooh.

Yeah. Bibelots. Trinkets. Bits and bobs.

Basically, I've chosen the things that, as I'm getting older,

I find myself mysteriously drawn to.

I would not have given house room to a stone with two googly eyes

and a tail when I was 45, but the minute I turned 50,

I can't walk through a gift shop without touching cushions

with tapestry kittens on,

or bookmarks with "Darling, sister, how I love thee," on them.

It's something I think that happens to you when you hit the menopause,

and it's a biological response to crap.

-And whereas, before, you were perfectly rational...

-Mm-hmm.

..when you hit the menopause, your temperature goes way up,

and you start buying fudge and notepads.

It's like you can't...

So why don't you put the menopause, then, into Room 101?

LAUGHTER

Because...

APPLAUSE

..the menopause is the result of having been fertile

and without fertility, you wouldn't be here.

Mum!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You've got tat all behind you, you see. You've got all that stuff.

-Yeah.

-I love it. I love a bit of clutter.

-You've got a Toby jug there.

-This is absolute...

This is not for comedy purposes. I took a photo of this. I own this.

This is a vacuum cleaner cover that I bought.

It's a country mouse vacuum cleaner cover.

It's really quite grotesque.

It's a little bit frightening at night.

Where do you hold it?

You have to take it off the Hoover. You don't hoover with it.

I don't want people to come round

and think I'm dancing with a woodland creature.

I also find myself hanging around the back page of the supplements,

-you know those...

-Oh, yeah!

I know! It's a fairy with a clock on her back!

Who knew I wanted that, but I do!

We've got some examples of those, look.

This is the Jewel Of Christmas musical egg.

Now, that's champion, that.

-They're not cheap, those sorts of things.

-No, because they're good.

-It is beautiful.

-It is, but it looks to me like a small bird

has got into a Venus flytrap.

Well, they're hideous. They're hideous, ugly things.

All you're going to do is to dust them

and then you'll die and you'll hand them on to your family

who then don't know what to do with them and take them to a car-boot sale

where someone like me comes along and is strangely drawn to them again

and the whole cycle goes on and on and on.

The thing when I was a kid, everyone used to have those things,

-including us, a gift from Weymouth...

-Yeah.

..and stuff. And I think people brought those back to prove

they hadn't really served a short custodial sentence.

It was like, "We really did go to Weymouth."

Where would you put Christmas tree decorations?

Would you put that as a knick-knack?

-Ohh! Em... Ooh...

-No?

-So difficult! I...

-No, a knick-knack's out permanently.

Yeah, you're right.

Let me show you an actual example. This is commercially available.

Absolutely!

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

-Is that you?

-That's me!

We haven't made that, you can buy that.

And we did.

-And I'm very, very grateful.

-Good, I'm glad you like it.

Just out of curiosity, what number of units do you shift of them?

At least 47.

That's good going!

Let's see what Henning's wildcard is.

Yeah, well, after rather controversial

selections in the past, I play it safe and...

what I definitely want to outlaw is people singing Happy Birthday

in a restaurant.

APPLAUSE

I like singing in any context.

It's nice that people... A bit of community singing.

-But it's not, really.

-There's something lovely about community singing.

Not really, because it's not a community feeling, is it?

Because it's, essentially, you separate yourself

from the rest of the restaurant.

So, like, there is a pizza place round where I live

and they do very good pizzas,

but you have to have eaten there by a quarter past six.

If you're not out of there by quarter past six,

it all starts to kick off.

Every half hour, on the Tannoy, they go,

# Da, da-da da, da, da. #

Then somebody bringing out a cake with some candles in,

then everybody's joining in. You don't even know them!

And then, if you really want to get involved,

move over to their table and say, "Ooh, who's birthday is it, then?

"Where is my slice of cake?"

Most people, they can't even sing properly.

That is another annoying thing.

I mean, if I want to hear people sing out of tune, I go to church.

All I'm saying is, if I were to run a restaurant,

I would definitely have an outdoor area,

like a smoking outdoor area,

I would have a Happy-Birthday-singing outdoor area.

Whoever wants to make a spectacle of themselves can go out there.

-Can I show you my favourite ever birthday cake?

-Yes.

This was... What happened, I'll tell you the back story of this.

This woman phoned up the cake company and this is what she said.

She said she wanted "Best wishes, Suzanne", and then underneath that,

"We will miss you," and this is the cake that she got delivered.

OK, then. Let's see what Michael's wildcard is.

I feel terrible doing this,

but it's giving grown men stuffed animals and teddy bears as presents.

I've had one or two.

I've got enough now.

I don't need any more. And it's not just me.

People do it to a lot of...a lot of blokes.

They'll send, you know, as a gift.

And I suppose when you get them, you see the little...

Bags and bags.

-Actually...

-Henning can't move for teddy bears, can you?

It's the thought that counts.

I do understand that,

but why would you buy a teddy or a panda,

and think that a grown man would relish that?

Well, you want to toughen up your image.

Do you know? You're quite right. You're quite right.

They don't chuck any of them at rappers.

-I think he's onto something.

-Because it's a lovely thing...

-Why do they send that to you?

I don't know, because they're sending me a hug, and this is...

I don't know, and I don't want to get into the psychoanalysis of it.

-No.

-I just don't want any more, and I mean that in a loving way.

Yes, I'm sure.

I really do.

But honestly, why?

I don't need them.

I have got my own teddy from when I was a kid, Little Ted.

I don't have... I never touch it, it's just up on the bookcase.

I don't have anything... It's been there for years, I never move it.

I know it's not a living creature,

but - and I swear this is true - about 18 months ago,

I moved it slightly cos I realised it couldn't see the television.

Have you considered recycling, Michael?

I do. I give them away.

I've been sent probably about a couple of hundred

-over the years, I would say.

-You have?

-Yeah.

What do you do with them?

Well, I'll show you what I do with them.

And there's no reason why you shouldn't do this yourself.

I had them tailored.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That is awesome.

Let me just get this, get the whole outfit.

You have to take...

You have to take the...

APPLAUSE

A friend said to me, "It looks like post-nuclear Britain,"

and I have declared myself king.

And the eyes. You're thinking, "What do you do with all the eyes, Frank?"

That's really macabre!

-Yeah.

-It's proper Pearly King, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

It's what I call the Coat Of Many Koalas.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

So, look, I love knick-knacks so much

and I also love people singing in public.

It's difficult.

Just because I think Michael is such a personal victim of this attack,

it's people, as you say, who send teddy bears to grown men.

It's inappropriately to a 50-year-old man.

So, on those grounds, I am going to put people who send teddy bears

to grown men into Room 101.

OK, and that brings us to the end of the show

and it's actually a draw.

Now, normally, in these circumstances,

we have a penalty shoot-out, but just to save time,

I'm just going to give it straight to Henning, so...

-..you're this week's winner.

-Thank you very much. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

So, thanks very much, Henning Wehn, Michael Ball

and Caroline Quentin, and thank you, good night.