Episode 6 Room 101 - Extra Storage

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner,

and welcome to Room 101, the show where three guests battle to get

the things they hate entombed for all eternity in the dreaded vault.

Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories,

and in each round only one item can be chosen.

The final decision is mine. Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are writer

and broadcaster Victoria Coren Mitchell, actor Warwick Davies

and, from Embarrassing Bodies, Dr Christian Jessen.

APPLAUSE

Right, then, let's have our first category.

It's people.

So, who winds up Victoria?

James Bond.

Wow.

-CROWD OOH

-"Ooh", go the crowd.

-Ooh.

You see, people are going, "Ooh,"

like you don't all know that he's a terrible wazzock.

LAUGHTER

James Bond has been a repetitive,

ghastly bore for decades.

He used to make bad jokes, now he makes no jokes.

He manages to combine, uniquely, I think,

violence and sexism with a sort of weird, camp fussiness

about everything he eats and drinks and does, and yet women are

supposed to find him irresistible because he has special pens.

LAUGHTER

He's clearly a terrible spy.

I think it's in...is it The Spy Who Loved Me?

There's one where he jumps over a cliff with a parachute

-featuring a giant union flag...

-Mmm.

..revealing that he's failed to grasp the basic principles

-of international espionage.

-Yes.

30 years later, Skyfall, he can't even keep one old lady safe,

which is not surprising, because his big escape plan is to get away from

the helicopters by running across a pitch-black moor with a lantern.

Skyfall did sort of win me back a bit.

You know when you see a film you really love?

I walked back to the car. You know when you kind of do the...

like you're James Bond.

And when I went up to the car I got my dibber,

and it was like it was some super gadget.

I just went like that to open the car doors, and the lights

came on in the car, and I could see the baby seat in the back, and it...

Also, he takes up poker, which he never played in the books.

Suddenly in Casino Royale he comes in, the new one, as a poker player.

He's terrible at poker.

The art of reading people at poker is a very fine

and nuanced ability to pick up, you know, the faintest

change in someone's breathing, in the maths of their betting patterns.

James Bond can't beat a man whose eyes bleed when he's bluffing.

LAUGHING

I tell you what he plays, I think it's in Goldfinger,

there's a tense scene...

LAUGHTER

..when Goldfinger says, "So, Mr Bond, does he have a beard?"

LAUGHTER

How could you improve Bond, then?

Who would...what would be your perfect Bond? How would he be?

-I think completely different...

-Warwick's looking for a job here.

LAUGHTER

I just...

I think he'd have better jokes, if he's going to make jokes,

I think he'd be generally nicer, he'd be a better spy.

I read a quote from you, Warwick,

that you did say that you thought you'd make a good Bond.

-I have said that in the past.

-Yeah.

I did feel there was a story, perhaps,

for kind of another person that is behind the scenes,

under the casino table, behind the potted plant...

LAUGHTER

..and he's the one doing all the hard work,

where Bond is the one getting the girl and taking all the credit...

-Yeah.

-..really, there's somebody else, yours truly.

-Yeah.

That makes sense, I could see that working as a plot.

I quite like the codename double-O three-and-a-half, you see...

LAUGHTER

My dream for Bond was that George Formby would've got

a Bond theme before he died.

That would have changed the whole... Can you just imagine him doing...?

In fact, don't imagine.

LAUGHTER

This is what I think it would've been like

if George Formby had got a Bond. I had this with me, yes.

# He's got a powerful weapon... # Hee-hee!

# He charges a million a shot

# An assassin second to none

# The man with the golden gun. #

-APPLAUSE

-He-he!

They loved it.

But I like the gadgets. You must like the gadgets.

No, not really. They're sort of...

I mean, I like the nerdiness of them.

What about this fabulous gadget?

So, this, you just take it from your pocket, you're in the casino.

People think, oh, perfectly ordinary pen.

LAUGHTER

Ooh...

Can actually pull up his own Speedos.

LAUGHTER

Got another gadget.

This is a pen that's actually a weapon.

There it is.

LAUGHTER

I think this was in Thunderball, if I remember rightly.

LAUGHTER

I must say, Frank, I have never wanted you more.

LAUGHTER

-My favourite gadget is the jet pack.

-Mm.

From Thunderball, when he actually flies with it...

-That's one of the only real gadgets, really, that actually works.

-Yeah.

I've spent my whole youth dreaming of... We've got a picture of it.

That, look. Not only, but remember a time when you could park like that?

LAUGHTER

What I like about it is because you hold it like this,

it's tempting you into a double thumbs-up.

So you really want to appear at bedroom windows going...

LAUGHTER

I'm not 100% convinced by this,

cos you know Bond in incredible detail

and you've seen every single movie, right up to the latest one.

-Yes, because the alternative...

-If you disliked him that much,

you would've cut it off at about Goldfinger, or something.

No, then I'd have had to spend Boxing Day talking to my family.

LAUGHTER

Yes, OK. Well, I'm going to find out what Christian

doesn't like on the people front.

Well, there we are. Clear as mud, really, isn't it?

So you take two of those and, um, I'll see you in a week.

LAUGHTER

I would like to see doctors go into Room 101.

-AUDIENCE GASPS

-Yes.

-A gasp? Come on.

Six years in medical school, hundreds of exams,

and they can't even bloody write.

I mean, have you ever met a more arrogant, self-centred,

egocentric bunch of people than doctors?

It's quite a scary experience, going to see a doctor.

-And it shouldn't be, should it?

-No.

It should be a happy, joyous experience where you feel

warmed and welcomed and looked after, but people don't.

I think the trouble is,

when you get very academic people and medicine, you know,

-usually the brightest kids in school are pushed into doing medicine.

-Mmm.

Sometimes the most academic people are not always the best

socially, shall we say.

-Yes.

-It's bedside manner, isn't it?

-Bedside manner.

I couldn't even think of the word. That just proves it, doesn't it?

-And I think...

-In case you don't know Bedside Manor,

it's the sequel to Downton Abbey.

LAUGHTER

-Can I ask you a technical question?

-Go on, then.

When they do that thing where... this is like a male thing,

you have to take your pants down and cough...

Did you not know? It's true.

You take your pants down and they say, "Right, cough".

Are they just trying to see if the idea of spreading germs excites you?

LAUGHTER

-Why are they doing that?

-Boredom.

LAUGHTER

-It's to check for hernias.

-Oh, OK.

If you cough, you increase abdominal pressure and pop a hernia out,

if you have one. Shall we try?

-LAUGHTER

-I don't know.

This is the kind of one where you want to get a hand clap going from the audience.

Cough, cough, cough, cough!

I'm just worried what Christian will do if there is one.

It'd be like that thing when you hit the frogs with a mallet.

LAUGHTER

I'd like to ask you some other technical stuff, if I may.

There's something that happens when you go to the doctor's

which I've always thought is an incredibly...

It seems a very old-fashioned thing.

And that's when you cross your knees

-and they hit your knee to test your reflexes.

-Oh, yeah. Yeah.

And they have a special hammer that they use.

-I mean, why is it like that?

-Why is it like that?

-No reason at all.

-Why is it pointy at the end?

Do they keep them all in a big melon?

-Why are they pointy at the end?

-It's to test feeling.

So, you know, you test the reflex with the other end,

and then you poke somebody to see

whether they can feel that leg the same as that leg, or something.

-Isn't that right?

-That's absolutely right.

The other thing, Christian, why do they come in two lengths?

LAUGHTER

One of those is for me.

LAUGHTER

That's the most reassuring thing, that moment when these go on.

I always think, now I'm in the hands of a professional.

-But if you ever see the other end...

-LAUGHTER

I love doctors. I can't have this go in the room.

-No?

-Whose time would I waste when I wasn't ill?

LAUGHTER

Also, I would never have discovered the Reader's Digest.

OK. Well, doctors, it's controversial.

Right, what kind of people wind up Warwick?

People who send e-mails.

LAUGHTER

That's a lot of people!

Well, you know, it used to be done via letter.

One would take a pen and a piece of paper

and take care to write a letter, to date it, to sign it, and to put it

in an envelope, stick it down, put a stamp on it, take it to the postbox.

-It was an art form.

-Hmm.

-And it's been forgotten.

It's so easy to fire off an e-mail with a few words,

no capital letters, no punctuation.

Then somebody like myself has to reply to it.

Then you get another one back.

Long e-mails, they're even more annoying, actually,

than these little sentences,

because you have to plough through it to get to the point.

Hold it, that's what letters were like.

The letter is normally on one page, and it's just a nice...

you can sit with it on the toilet...

LAUGHTER

You've all got an image in your head now.

It's much like this, actually...

What, it's a three-seater?

LAUGHTER

You write an e-mail and it has the wrong tone.

On the phone you can hear somebody's tone, whether they're happy

or angry, or what have you, and you can't mistake that.

I once sent a text that had, in brackets, "Friendly but firm".

-But you're quite right.

-You really need to be introduced to emoticons.

Oh, I can't do that. I can't do a smiley face.

LAUGHTER

Sorry, do you use emoticons?

-I actually do. I quite like them.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

Also, they don't cover enough of the emotions.

What's the emoticon for reticent?

LAUGHTER

I tell you one thing,

sending photos by e-mail is quite nice, though, isn't it?

Then you could send a print, couldn't you?

Getting prints was more exciting. Now we don't...

I don't think we actually admire photos as we used to.

There's no albums any more, are there?

You know, I couldn't sit down with my kids and say,

"Look at the album," because we haven't got one.

I bet they're grateful for that, though.

LAUGHTER

I do sometimes think, what'd happen if the internet went down?

Would all my photos disappear and I'd never, ever get them back?

That would be a pretty terrible thing.

There's actually a thing that they do on the internet in case

you lose a treasured photo from the past.

Here's an example of this.

If you take this photo of this guy holding his baby.

So, obviously, you wouldn't want to lose all track of that.

So as backup they recreate it, several years later, like this.

LAUGHTER

It's beautiful, isn't it?

This one I think you'll like even more. This is the old photo.

Oh, no.

And here's the backup.

LAUGHTER

They must be pretty crinkly by now.

And this one, the whole nature of this one has changed.

This is two sisters.

And their modern version.

LAUGHTER

OK, so we come to the end of this round.

I don't think I can put James Bond in.

I take your point, but I do love both the books and the movies,

and I would really miss him if he went away.

Doctors, if I put doctors in,

that would be the end of the world, wouldn't it, Christian?

Although they can be a bit strange and a bit insensitive,

they are essentially heroic.

But, Warwick, although I've had e-mails that have made me very happy

indeed, you're right, there are a great many, and often annoying ones.

So, on this occasion, I agree with you.

I am going to put people who send e-mails, especially to you,

because you don't like it, into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

OK, next category, please.

Modern life.

OK, what winds up Christian about modern life?

People who put empty containers back in the fridge.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think my work here is done!

-I've got a question.

-Go on.

How did my fridge get here?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The people who, say with the milk,

they'll pour the milk until there's about that much

left in the bottom, and put that back in the fridge, too.

Do you have people that do that?

It's mainly men, isn't it, to be fair? It's mainly men.

-There's a thing that men do that women never do.

-What's that?

Which is to take a pint of milk out of the fridge, sniff it,

make a face, then put it back in.

Those are all in the sort of same theme as this.

-No, but the milk, I do that with the milk.

-You can't justify this.

Well, I believe I can.

I will put a tiny...a tiny little bit of milk back in the fridge,

because I don't want to make that cup of tea a bit milkier than

I want it to be, just to empty that.

Whereas there's always another pint of milk.

And so the next cup of tea, I can put in that last draining.

You know, they're not individuals, cartons of milk.

They're like a relay team.

LAUGHTER

If you have a well-ordered household and an efficient housekeeper,

yes, Frank, but if you're like me

and your fridge is permanently half empty,

then there definitely isn't another carton of milk in there.

And that much milk, which isn't good for anything,

even a cup of tea, is just really, really irritating.

I will keep stuff for ages and ages.

The back of my fridge has got like about five jars,

-and it's like a familiar city skyline.

-Yeah.

My girlfriend will drink that much out of a bottle of water

and then put that in the fridge, and then she can't remember

whether it's her water or my water.

So she won't drink it again, in case it's my water,

and she doesn't want my spit on her.

You're all right with saliva and stuff like that. I've seen...

-Professionally, yeah.

-Well, you say professionally. Look at this.

LAUGHTER

-Oh, that's sweet!

-Christian, no doctor, no doctor can sanction that.

-That's horrible.

-Look at his little face.

Yes, but it's not his little face I'm thinking about.

OK, then, what aspect of modern life upsets Warwick?

Petrol station shops that close at night.

-Mmm.

-Right.

So, as you can see, this is almost to scale.

Now, what it is, you have these little tills, you see,

over here, and the attendant serves you through that till.

What happens if you need some goods?

You know, a few pints of milk, a baguette.

How is that getting through there, for one?

And also, it's trying to describe to the gentleman or

lady behind that glass screen what you want when they can't hear you.

And it's especially difficult for me, because,

you know, my head is right down here somewhere.

So I'm just looking over the top, going, "Can I have a baguette?"

I think, though, you could market the sort of night garage diet,

because, as you say, you can only put certain things through the slot.

-Mmm.

-So big things, you can't have.

-No.

So I once asked for a Chunky Kit Kat, and he said,

"No, you're going to have to have an ordinary Kit Kat".

LAUGHTER

So it's got... I was very tempted to ask for a Double Decker.

They also think, blokes in garages, in the age of the sat nav,

they're desperate to get rid of the road atlases no-one wants any more,

so when you're going...

HE MOUTHS

They keep going...

LAUGHTER

You know, the method that a lot of people use -

this is serious - is people use one of these laser pens.

Oh, yeah.

So they go like that, and say, "I want some of those

and some of those and some of those", and point into the shop.

-And then he does this.

-LAUGHTER

If you get really good at it...

I once completely encircled a Cadbury's Flake.

The other thing, by the way, the other

recommendation for the laser pen is, you know sometimes you get into bed,

if you don't have a bedside lamp and you forget to switch the light off?

You know you can actually use them to switch the light off.

-Have you seen this?

-No.

-I'll show you.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You know, that could help me out in life in so many ways.

If I just carry a laser pointer and a cat with me everywhere,

I could reach lift buttons, door handles. It's amazing.

I like the sort of... the prison visit feel to it,

when you're talking through the Perspex.

But I mean, why not leave the shop open,

and then put them in the little glass container within the shop?

At least let me go in there and choose what I want.

Because then you'd run off with stuff and he'd be going...

LAUGHTER

It's a terrible idea.

We have CCTV footage of someone trying to get in

to an all-night garage, and, er, didn't go that well.

There's the suspicious characters lined up. Here we go.

LAUGHTER

It gets better.

LAUGHTER

There's an interesting inconsistency

-in your world view, though, Warwick.

-Is there? What is it?

Yes, because you don't like e-mail because you think, oh,

they come at you all the time with the messages,

what happened to the old-fashioned letter,

and yet you expect to be able to get a baguette at 3 in the morning.

LAUGHTER

OK. Well, so, what doesn't Victoria like about modern life?

Ah, yes. Well, now, it's not necessarily modern.

This may be an old thing. Fiddly bracelets.

I mean, any kind of fiddly clasp is annoying

on any jewellery, clothes, hook and eye things, it's always annoying.

But there's something about a bracelet that you can't do up

with one hand. The implication is,

"Why are you putting on a bracelet by yourself, you sad old spinster?"

The idea that, well, it's not for one person.

A bracelet is something to be slipped onto your wrist

by a moustachioed Turkish count.

I've had the experience, often before poker tournaments in a hotel,

I think, "I'll put a bracelet on",

because that looks quite nice, you're playing cards,

people are looking at your hands, and you can't do it up, you...

imagine the distant laugh of the designer, thinking,

"You weren't supposed to buy that for yourself.

"You're not supposed to put it on alone.

"Why are you trying to make yourself pretty? No-one's looking. You're going to die alone".

-LAUGHTER

-Wowee.

Yeah, they're heartless, those bracelet designers.

Some, you know, like a watch, you know,

-there's a simple clasp and you put it on. Easy.

-Yeah.

But there's some where there's... you have to press a little thing,

and then put the chain round the edge of it,

and it's so difficult, it's like it's trying to make a point.

With a necklace, you can use both hands. With a bracelet, you can't.

That's what it's supposed to be...

somebody else's hands putting it on for you.

Like doing up someone's zip.

You know when a woman says, "Can you do my zip up for me?"

I mean, my girlfriend and I have been together many years.

I still find that exciting, "Can you do my zip up?" It's still brilliant.

I love that. You see the bra strap and everything.

LAUGHTER

I like that. I think it's romantic.

I think the fact that you feel lucky when you're zipping up

-your girlfriend's dress, you get a glimpse of bra...

-Yes.

-I think that's charming.

Well, there is something really romantic, and I suppose, a bit James Bond about it.

Do you remember that one when he uses his magnet...

I think he uses a magnet watch to take her zip down?

LAUGHTER

However,

there is a method for doing these tricky bracelets.

I don't know if you're aware of it. All you need is a bit of Sellotape.

So the next time you're on your own in a hotel room, you...

Let me...

There you go. You just put this on instead.

This is the sort of difficult bracelet you're on about...

-Yes, exactly.

-..with the clasp on one end? Yeah.

So what you do is you get a bit of Sellotape, thus...

Ooh.

And then you put it on the chain, very near the loop.

Hold on, I'll be with you in a minute.

You Sellotape that to your forearm, thus.

Little bit of loop sticking out. Bear with me.

I say bear with me.

And then...

LAUGHTER

So you stick it on like this, with that loop sticking out,

like that,

and then you bring your bracelet round with your clasp.

-It's a very nice bracelet.

-Thanks very much.

I'm beginning to loathe it.

Anyway, you get the general idea.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I got applause for that.

That's what I like about this country. They love a loser.

-I actually design jewellery. Did you know this?

-I didn't know that.

As a part-time... This is my own range.

These are mainly for middle-aged men. So, um...

so, if you see...you fit them... here you go, beautiful.

If you can see that, it's a tiny little pair of scissors,

and then you can do your ear hair.

LAUGHTER

Just make the chain a bit longer and do nasal hair as well.

What about these? This is, I think, my greatest achievement.

These will be commercially available, when I've, er...

finished negotiation.

What you do is you put one on each ear.

You may see that they are small forks.

"Oh," you think, "it's just some little bit of ornamentation.

"You've used cutlery, an everyday object,

"and turned it into an art form".

It's a bit more than that, Christian,

because it's actually a hands-free for corn on the cob.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-The chain's a bit long.

-Ouch.

The chain's a bit long at the moment.

So, there we have you.

Well, I have tremendous sympathy with people who put stuff

back in the fridge, cos I do it myself.

I like the excitement of having to tell someone

what I want from an all-night garage.

It just feels like I'm in a film, and it's great.

But they are impossible, those bracelets,

and why do they need to be so difficult in the modern world?

I'm sure they could be made much, much easier. You're right.

Why should women be a slave to that and need someone else?

I am going to put fiddly bracelets into Room 101.

Yay! APPLAUSE

OK, let's have our next category.

It's the wildcard.

No restrictions, pick anything that winds you up.

So, what is Warwick's wildcard?

LAUGHTER

-Special offers.

-Ah.

Special offers. I mean, I like a bargain, don't get me wrong.

You know, does sound tight, but,

it's when you have to do these buy one get one free.

-I'd rather it be half price. I don't want two, necessarily.

-Mm.

Do you know what I mean? Can I tell you what really annoys me?

It's an offer of sorts, it's the 20% extra...large crisps.

-Yes.

-And the chocolate bars, they're all getting longer, aren't they?

It's given me a complex, I feel smaller.

You go into a petrol station, when you can get in...

LAUGHTER

And it's all, everything's massive now.

Why do we want so much of it?

What if, what if you didn't do all your shopping at petrol stations?

LAUGHTER

Do you think that the 99p thing makes any difference?

You know when something is £1.99 instead of two quid,

that's a normal pricing thing.

That's aimed at the idea people will think,

"Oh, I'm not paying two quid for that. Oh, £1.99. That's all right."

-They clearly still believe that that works.

-It does work, though.

-Do you think?

-Yeah.

-Well, it is actually cheaper, isn't it? So...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I came up with an invention, right?

It annoys me when I go to a conveyor

and it's got flour on and crumbs and liquids that you don't know

what they are and you've got to then put your shopping on it, you see?

So I thought, why can't this conveyor go underneath

and there'll be a little, a little man in there...

LAUGHTER

..washing it and then it comes back round all nice and clean?

Warwick, you're always looking for work.

LAUGHTER

I find that the shopping separator

is quite a sort of controversial... Sometimes I'll wait...

to put the one down a bit at the end of my shopping.

And the person behind will get quite anxious.

What's the hierarchy there?

Are you supposed to put it behind your shopping?

Yes, I think it's always at the back of the shopping

because they don't know if you're still buying or not.

You know,

you might have a walnut whirl from that tray by the side of the till.

-I just use a baguette across.

-LAUGHTER

OK, what is Victoria's wildcard?

Ah, yes.

-They call it pampering.

-Mm.

But I object even to the term because what I mean by that

is sort of spa treatments and beauty treatments

that don't do any practical good at all, so they call it pampering

to trick you into thinking you're enjoying it, which is impossible.

Being sort of tweedled and tweaked and prodded

and pushed around at enormous expense, wasting time and money,

to no good purpose, it isn't nice, it isn't fun and yet there seems

to be a massive world stacked up to trick us into thinking it is fun.

"If you're on holiday, why wouldn't you go for a massage?"

Because you can just have a nice lie down

without having to take your clothes off in front of a stranger

and be basically tickled and scratched.

It's supposed to be what makes people most happy,

is to go and get pampered.

Me and my girlfriend, we had what they call a double massage,

so you lie on two adjoining things.

I was really disappointed when two masseurs turned up.

I was hoping it was going to be...

you know when grand masters play at chess?

And they're playing three games at the same time - I thought

it was going to be like a Rick Wakeman concert.

No self-respecting British person should be able to relax

when nude, face down, being touched by a stranger.

That's not right.

It is awkward and uncomfortable and it can only be compounded

by having your partner there at the next table.

Look, if you want to be in a room with your partner, nude, groaning as

they're manipulated by a stranger, go to an orgy and have done with it.

I think the idea is that you can talk to each other,

but of course the thing that I most wanted to talk about was what

a waste of money the massage was.

You can't do that, so we ended up doing riddles.

There's two of us lying there saying,

"My first is in fish but not in float."

I mean, it's not what it's supposed to be about.

It's awkward, I know what you mean.

You feel uptight and it's supposed to be relaxing

and you don't know what noises to make.

Do you show, "Ah..." Do you do that?

So they think, "We're doing a good job" or not? I don't know,

it could come across the wrong way if you're not careful.

Are you familiar with the thera-cane?

-No.

-No, I thought not.

Maybe this will change your mind, Victoria Coren Mitchell.

What about this?

This is a massage cane.

And it's called the thera-cane and I'll show you some of the...

this is how you're supposed to use it.

I think you'll be impressed.

There you go. So, there's the...

Which way do I look out? Yes, that way. So it comes round here.

Yes, you see like that?

And then, you see I'm massaging that part of my neck,

which you'll agree is quite hard to reach.

LAUGHTER

That feels really good,

and there's another exercise to the neck, which is also very good, if...

That, um, ooh...

That's, er....

I mean, you could do that.

LAUGHTER

-Or you could not do that.

-Yeah.

What else have we got?

We've got the long reach brush and comb. Seen one of those?

See? She can reach right way up on her head.

You know when you're combing your hair and you think,

"Oh, blimey, I don't think I can..."

My hair's receding a bit, so it takes some reaching.

So I think, I think you have to let yourself go a bit.

I feel you're being a bit conservative about it.

It's worth trying these crazy things.

Are you from the spa marketing board?

I have to let myself go? Why?

In order to burn a load of money doing this stuff?

Well, have you ever seen that one where you get completely relaxed

and they sort of clean your teeth

and give you a sort of dental cleanse thing?

-That's not a thing.

-It is.

I thought it was brilliant until I found out how they did it.

LAUGHTER

I think that's fine,

cos sometimes you get a stubborn piece of meat stuck in there,

-been there for days. I can tell Christian is thinking...

-I think that's sweet.

LAUGHTER

OK, well, what is Christian's wildcard?

This is, quite simply,

German pop music.

-That's quite a specialist choice.

-It is quite niche, it's quite niche,

it's quite specialist. It's also blooming awful, let's face it.

And there's sort of two parts to this, really.

First of all, there's just German pop music in general,

but then there's music sung in German.

Now, can I just put in a... "Why, some of my best friends are German"?

My father's German,

so I'm allowed to be as rude as I like about the Germans.

That makes me half German.

The other thing about German pop music is it's sung by

what mainly look like, sort of middle-aged men

having a massive midlife crisis.

It's sort of like your dad donning a leather jacket and doing karaoke.

-That's how a lot of the singers look.

-Yeah, but I love that.

That's what I like about it.

There's almost no room now in British pop music for ugly people,

but in Germany they are embraced.

-What about that more traditional, the sort of...

-The oompah bands?

-Yeah.

-God, don't. Don't.

The cheery swaying of the beer mug to the oompah band.

I love those beer mugs.

It looks like they're drinking out of pedal bins.

I think that it's just about fun.

The whole Euro-pop thing, I think

we probably take music a bit seriously in this country.

I just think you're frightened to enjoy this wonderful music,

and there's a lot of that about. This is an example.

You know, it's really fun, silly music,

and some people just don't want to be seen to be enjoying themselves.

# Ik weet ook niet hoe het komt

# Maar het komt vast door oew kont

# Draai dat ding maar in het rond

# Ik wil vanavond, bam, bam, bam

# Draai om door oew knieen Naar de grond

# Gij het vuurtje ik de lont... # LAUGHTER

The singer is called,

and I'm not making this up, he's called Snollebollekes.

LAUGHTER

What's that man embarrassed about?

He was clearly having a fabulous time.

Maybe he was caught on camera,

but he told his wife he was at a conference in Coventry.

LAUGHTER

A man lied to his wife in order to go to that gig?

-It would explain the embarrassment, wouldn't it?

-Exactly.

Anyway, we come,

we come to the end of that round and, well,

-I am not going to put German pop music in.

-Oh, come on.

-I think you've got to just embrace the strangeness of it.

-Oh.

Warwick, I know what you mean about buying stuff that you don't need,

but it just feels a bit wrong to stop...

People at home will be thinking, "But we need those offers."

So I don't think I can put that in, although you argue it well,

but pampering, I am fed up of the idea that it's brilliant to lie

and have...

goose...urine...

rubbed over you.

So I am going to put pampering into Room 101!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Victoria, you were the most persuasive guest tonight,

-so you are this week's winner.

-Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

Thanks very much, Victoria Coren Mitchell, Warwick Davies

and Dr Christian Jessen, and thank you, goodnight.

APPLAUSE