Episode 7 Room 101 - Extra Storage

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101 -

the show where three guests explain what really winds them up,

in the hope that I'll condemn said things

to the grim environs of Room 101.

Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories,

and in each round, only one item can be chosen.

The final decision is mine. Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are comedian Bob Mortimer, Countdown's Rachel Riley

and Mrs Brown herself, Brendan O'Carroll.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Right, then, let's have our first category.

It's People. So, Brendan, what kind of people doesn't HE like?

People who don't know how to use their mobile phone.

People who say they want the most modern mobile phone,

-but haven't a clue how to use it.

-Mm.

-Basically taking photographs.

Because they come up after a show or in the street and they go,

"You're her, aren't you?" And they say the most bizarre things.

They say things like, "You've got a moustache."

"Yes."

"What do you do with the moustache when you're playing Mrs Brown?"

"I keep it in my pocket."

"Why don't you leave the moustache on?"

I say, "Because then I'll look like my mother."

What it is is, the first thing they'll say is, "Do you mind

"if I get a photograph?" No problem, I love getting photographs taken.

I was ignored for 25 years, so I love being noticed.

So I go, "Yes, sure."

And I stand with him and I stand with him,

and she goes, "I don't know how to work this."

And you're there, going...

He's now nervous, so he's starting to smell a bit sweaty.

Then, you realise he hasn't brushed his teeth, when he goes,

"She's funny, isn't she?" And then it's, click, and then she says,

"Wait till I check I got it." You see two pairs of legs. His and mine.

So, it's people who get the latest gadgets

and just don't know how to use them.

That thing with having your photo taken,

I think I got repetitive strain injury,

honestly, from standing like that with people.

I had a pain in my shoulder and I worked it out,

it was from standing like that.

Interestingly, it got better as I got less popular.

Have you had the exuberant fan - who I absolutely love -

but the exuberant fan who comes up with a mobile, and you get ready,

and they go, "No, I have my mother on the phone, can you say hello?"

-Oh, yes.

-And I go, "Really?"

"Yes. As Mrs Brown."

"Hello."

"Who is this?!"

"Hello, it's Mrs Brown."

"Who?"

"Mrs Brown, TV show, Mrs Brown's Boys." "Who?"

"Hold on, I'll put him back on. Here."

"She loves you. She loves you."

There is a lovely boy that comes into Countdown, called Caleb,

and he has been coming since he was about 14.

I think he has just turned 21 and he gets a photo with me every time

and his dad prints it into a T-shirt and, then, every time he comes back,

he wears the T-shirt. Then, they take another photo

and then he gets that made into a T-shirt.

-It's T-shirt inside T-shirt inside T-shirt.

-Is he a cute stalker?

He is not! No, no, no! He is not a stalker. Just a big Countdown fan.

-And he's lovely.

-It can only end in an injunction.

I was once a mascot at a football match.

It was West Brom versus Norwich. And I said, "I'll do it,

"but I don't want anyone to know I'm in the mascot's suit."

And when you walk round the pitch, all the kids want their photo took

with the mascot, so I spent 20 minutes doing this...

..before I remembered that you don't have to smile.

And the sheer joy of having your photo took with someone like that...

I can understand the lure of the burka.

So, West Brom were playing Norwich?

-They were, on that occasion.

-So, who was there?

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

I used to tell a story about West Brom, slagging them off.

I used to say that I used to go to West Brom games when I was a kid

and I was caught getting over the wall once and a policeman caught me

and said, "Get back in there and watch that match."

Brendan...I started off loving you.

-I'm a Birmingham City boy, I'm sorry.

-OK. Could tell by the accent.

Can I show you? This is a thing

that a guy called Dominic Wilcox invented,

and it's for when you're on...

So this is, this is a stylus, a nasal stylus.

So you can do something... You can operate...

Why can't the user use their hands? What situation is it covering?

Well, you might be in the bath, is one example that he gives.

So you might want to hold... You might want to hold it and have a...

-What, hold your...?!

-LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

I worked on The Gadget Show and we did see a lot of crap gadgets,

but that has got to be top of the list.

Oh, you can't say that.

-A man has strived to invent that. It does work...

-For who?

Well, it does change...

Shall we do a straw poll? Anyone in the audience want that?

AUDIENCE: No!

There is a very good chance

that the person who does really need it won't be putting their hand up.

I don't think we can top that.

Let's see what winds up Bob about people.

I'd like to apply for entry for people,

namely shop assistants, who give you the receipt on the bottom

and then put the money on top of the receipt.

When you're doing the cash-till ballet and doing everything,

and you're left with a wallet in one hand,

and really nowhere to go from there, but a world of frustration.

That is annoying, I must say.

Well, it's not... I've lost faith in it, very suddenly, but...

I have to agree, I find that really frustrating,

when you end up with this bundle of coins

wrapped in a receipt in your pocket...

Yes, that's all you can do, Brendan. You just have to crush it.

-Crush it and bear...

-And weep.

And then, because you've done the crush, and in your pocket,

cos your wallet is in the other hand,

you can't then just dispose of it in the bin outside,

because you'd be throwing all your cash in, as well.

You've got to unwrap it.

You've got to unwrap it, yeah, you know, like...

Life is so hard(!)

Have you ever..? My sons like to do it. Have you ever gone round

the supermarket and found the biggest detergent that you can find

and put it into someone else's trolley?

It's quite satisfying.

I love that you have got time to do that, but not time to stop and say,

-"I don't want the receipt."

-Behind this, Rachel, is that you

-are causing queue frustration, as well, which is awful.

-Oh, yeah.

I cause my wife amazing frustration when shopping,

because I'm a bit OCD about shopping.

You see, there is a certain way that the groceries go into cupboards.

So because they go in in a particular way,

they should be packed in the bags in a particular way.

So, what she often does is she'll go round with a few bits of stuff

and when she sees I'm not looking, just dumps them into the cart

and waits for me to come back - "Argh!"

Or the Boy Scouts. God love them, I'm sure they're well meaning,

but they often pack bags.

And I'm there sweating and crying.

I want to go, "There's a tenner, please go away."

"No, the bread doesn't go in with the bleach!"

Also, that thing when someone's forgot something

and they're allowed to go and shop again.

I was there with one woman who said, "Oh, I meant to get gravy granules."

Well, you can live a life full of regret or you can move on.

The woman said, "Can I just...?" The woman said yes.

So, she went off to get the gravy.

I'm waiting, you know, infuriated.

She came back. She'd got Ryvita, as well.

That is awful!

I would not have had the GALL to come back with an extra thing.

Mind you, you wouldn't eat a Ryvita without gravy granules, would you?

This is, I think,

the best-ever thing I've ever seen in a supermarket.

Get a load of this.

See what it says there?

-That's a genuine...

-Is that for the teachers?

Back to school. OK, then.

What kind of people wind up Rachel Riley?

Rachel, you've gone too far this time.

This, kind of, demonstrates it, but people who think

they're more important than they are,

just because they wear a uniform.

Ah, I see.

-So it's not the Village People themselves.

-No, no.

Kind of going back to supermarkets, actually,

because my hatred of, kind of, like, the bouncer syndrome,

is what I call it, started in a supermarket,

because I was with my then boyfriend, who was 26,

I was 23, my little brother was 21

and we were buying all of our shopping

and a four-pack of beer, and they said,

"There's a new law coming in, so we need all of your group to have ID."

I had my ID. I was 23.

My boyfriend was 26, he had his, and my brother, who was 21,

6ft tall, covered in tattoos, looks old enough, didn't have any ID.

So, they said, "Well, we're not serving you."

I didn't buy any of the shopping in the end, but because I got

so annoyed about it, my family and friends started sending me

stories from the papers of similar things that had happened.

So, erm... There was another supermarket

where a grandma was refused knitting needles

because she didn't have ID.

There was another old lady...

Apparently in this, like, certain town there was a spate

of lemon-related crime,

-and this woman was trying to buy a bag of lemons.

-Lemon?

Lemons. And she was trying to buy a bag, but they had a two-lemon limit,

so they wouldn't let this old lady buy lemons.

There was another thing with, um, spoons.

Someone couldn't buy spoons cos they didn't have any ID,

because it's drug-related paraphernalia.

I don't know how old you have to be to buy drugs.

The heroin is easy to get, but the spoon...

Don't talk to me!

They just kind of have a trumped-up sense of power because they're in...

They're not in a position of power.

I think uniforms should be, you know, people who are respected,

like police, firefighters and medical people.

Oh, listen, if you give somebody an armband...

A steward. Good luck.

Oh, sorry, I thought you meant the Nazis.

-Same thing!

-They got very officious, didn't they?

Rachel, we've got to ask - lemon-related crime?

I don't know, but I just got irrationally so angry about it that

everyone sent to me all these ridiculous stories

of people with a tiny bit of power.

Do you get it at airports?

Yeah, air hostesses.

There are some airlines, budget airlines,

when you're walking towards that desk, you know they're going,

"Heh, heh, heh!"

"Just checking in." "Have you got any luggage?"

"No, just my carry-on." "That's great. Just weigh it."

I look behind me, and there's a guy behind me who's 25 stone.

I say, "Forget my bag - weigh him."

OK. So, well, many good points have been made.

I think people in uniforms, they do overdo it,

but they are basically trying to do their job.

I must admit, they've more or less reduced citrus-based crime

to a minimum in this country.

I think, again, people in the supermarket probably have

to give you your receipt, but I do think if you're going to spend money

and get yourself a phone, you should probably work out how to operate it.

So I'm going to put

people who can't operate their own smartphones into Room 101.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Next category, please.

It's Modern Life. What does Bob hate about modern life?

Whoa!

One aspect of modern life that I don't enjoy is this craze now

of wrapping your food in bacon before you cook it,

with your fishes and your meats.

I've just got a feeling it's one of these celebrity-chef things,

and it's been sold on the basis that it seals in the flavour,

and I don't think it does do that.

It just collapses and leaks out its saltiness.

I don't actually believe that they're flavours that work.

I think it's, like... It's one of these pretentious things.

I think, say, with pigs in a blanket,

you know, when they wrap it round sausage,

I think it's to stop the sausage splitting, isn't it?

It sort of operates like a hernia belt.

I think you're giving bacon a, kind of, super-strength there

that it doesn't have, as if it can grip the sausage.

I have to tell you, one of the treats that we've always had

for Christmas, we have, every Christmas morning,

and all the kids come round and Jen cooks it up,

is fried Christmas pudding with bacon.

Really, try it. Honest to God, it's something else.

It really is something else. And you can drink like a fish after it.

Do you remember those little bits - you don't see them so much now -

like, little bits of white gristle that you get in bacon?

Almost like little bits of white plastic.

-Like a little bit of bone.

-Yeah. Going through it.

I use those to create the windows

on the pork aeroplanes...

-LAUGHTER

-..I like to make.

I don't think you're fully appreciating

the versatility of bacon and, indeed, pork, in general.

I've never flown Pork.

I have used it... This is a fact -

I was frying sausages and eggs in the same thing,

and I didn't have one of those things

that you pick the eggs up with.

I had a knife, so I got under the egg, just to loosen it,

but I couldn't pick it up.

So I used one of the rashers of bacon as a sort of a stretcher,

to carry the egg to the plate.

I've no objection to using bacon as a stretcher.

I'm absolutely fine with that.

I've used it as a utensil.

I have eaten baked beans with bacon, using it like that.

You could use it as a bookmark,

a savoury bookmark. But please, not wrapping it round...

But at least it tastes good.

The food fad I really hate is when they put foam on stuff.

-Right.

-Foam?

Foam. That's, like, a fad that I don't get at all.

They just have foam.

It just looks like someone's spat on your food.

Maybe that's what they've done.

I think you should stop eating in Carol Vorderman's restaurant.

OK, what does Brendan hate about modern life?

Pedal bins in hotels - the ones in the bathroom that they tend to put

between the sink and the toilet bowl, that are about this size,

that every time you press the pedal, it jumps away from you,

so you end up going around the bathroom like this...

They absolutely drive me... Because we spend so much time on the road,

we live a lot of the time in hotels,

and this is the one thing in the hotel that just absolutely

drives me crazy, and I think they can do better.

A bigger bin, a weight at the bottom of it - they can do better.

You know, you've taken a beautiful room, gorgeous curtains,

lovely mattress and a Mickey Mouse pedal bin.

I like, "They can do better." It's become motivational speaking.

There'll be hotel owners all over the country saying, "He's right."

Press it. Press it.

Take off your shoe.

That's a pretty good pedal bin.

I often, in a certain chain of hotels,

I take this to bed with me, the inside of it,

put it next to me on the bedside table,

and if I have a night movement, I do it in this pot.

I'm just saying.

So, I'm a big fan!

Which, actually, if you replaced it,

would weigh the pedal bin down.

-We should get a twin room.

-We should!

I stayed in a villa in Greece.

The plumbing was one of those when you couldn't put toilet paper

down the toilet, so there was a pedal bin in the toilet...

-Oh, no.

-..and you had to put it in the pedal bin.

I was appalled by it, but this was before I had children.

Now, I could happily put it in my top pocket.

Here is an interesting thing I saw in a toilet. This is a toilet brush,

which I think we have all seen - commercially available -

but it has got a...

-..a microphone at the end.

-You know when you're at the bathroom mirror -

# When the day is dawr-ning on the Texas sun... #

Obviously, don't do it in a nice shirt.

What do people do with this?

I suppose you say goodbye to your movement.

# Goodbye The time we spent together... #

Well, I had...

I'm slightly obsessed with Dragons' Den and I'm always trying

to think of inventions and I had... It's a pedal bin-based invention.

I'm serious about this.

I think this... I think it's a brilliant idea.

-Show us.

-Yeah, I'll show it. Can we get my invention, please?

THEME TUNE PLAYS

Right. Now, this is what I call the Piddle Bin.

It's... This is...

Often when men go to the toilet, they want to lift the seat up.

It's quite unhygienic, touching a toilet seat in a public toilet.

With this, you don't have to worry.

So that's one advantage. OK?

Also, if you're a man, you'll go into a toilet and sometimes

the toilet seat doesn't stay up in public toilets,

and you have to stand in that...

..that sort of... that weird Elvis stance.

Also, if you're sitting on it and you're a bit weary,

you can use it to help you get up.

The Piddle Bin.

That's very good.

-That could sell.

-I mean it!

If you called it Reggae Reggae Piddle Bin...

..it could go through the roof, couldn't it?

I love it, I love it.

OK, what winds up Rachel about modern life?

It's when you're about to have a treat and someone -

normally a friend - will start telling you how calorific

and how bad for you it is and how it's got sugar in it,

and it's got fat in it, and you shouldn't eat it,

and they've gone wheat-free, dairy-free, they're vegan,

they've stopped living and having fun,

but they're really fit, and they went for a run in the morning

and they've done sit-ups and you shouldn't eat the thing

that you're about to eat

and you've sat down with a cup of tea to enjoy.

-And that spoils it?

-Yeah.

-This happened to me once

when I drank a whole bottle of Pernod at a christening.

I know what you mean. I think it's very hard.

I went to the Harry Potter premiere of the first film,

and I sat next to a little kid.

I suppose he was about seven or eight.

Before the show started he got out a Crunchie bar,

and he took the whole wrapper off it, so it was completely...

-Naked.

-It was naked.

And he held it like...

He put one end against his teeth and the other end against -

I'm not kidding - and he went like that...

..like a sawmill.

And I thought to myself, "You never see grown-ups eat chocolate

"with that kind of joy and abandon."

Have you ever seen the hot dog-stuffed pizza?

No, but I'm interested.

Yes. It looks like a perfectly nice pizza,

but if you look at it side on, there is a ring of sausage,

as I think Johnny Cash described it, which goes round the edge.

They also do a thing called the double-decker pizza,

which I thought would be two pizzas, one on top of the other,

-but it's actually... It's got a Double Decker running right through.

-GROANING

-Can I say, I made this one up.

-Yeah.

A friend of mine said she made a chocolate and almond cake

and, while she was out, her dog got on the table

and, when she got back in,

the dog had bitten a small piece, about that big, out of the cake

and I said to her, "That's strange, though, isn't it,

"because a dog would not have a bite and think, "Oh, this might be

"a bit fattening, this." What that dog has done

is bitten the cake and gone... "No, I don't think so."

Could there be a greater insult for a cake than a dog

having a small piece?!

OK. So we come to the end of the round.

Brendan, I feel your pain, but I think the pedal bin, essentially,

is, as you say, it's a fairly noble invention,

it's just that they tend to get faulty.

The bacon round food - I am a great bacon enthusiast,

and sometimes I think it helps less interesting food.

But I do agree, now, there is

a whole swathe of people who will say, "Oh, you shouldn't have that,

"It's not very good for you."

Better to live, as a driver said to me the other day,

70 happy, than 80 having lived a life of grim rules and regulations.

I agree.

Then, he drove straight into a wall.

So anyway, I am going to put people who tell you not to eat stuff

because it's bad for you into Room 101.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next category, please.

OK, it is the Audience Choice, when the people speak.

I think we have got Christine Pedat in the audience tonight.

-Hello, Christine!

-Hello, Frank!

-How are you?

-I am good, thank you.

Now, what would you like to put into Room 101?

Elvis impersonators.

SOME CHEERING

Yeah, I'm fine with that.

I am intrigued to hear this. Please carry on.

Well, I think it is quasi-nauseating to watch middle-aged, overweight,

unattractive men in white jumpsuits waggling their belly,

curling their lips...

I don't mind it generally, but when they're doing Elvis...

It's just vomit-making and why, why can't we have young, fit

Elvis impersonators? I rest my case, Frank.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Have you seen one in the flesh?

Oh, I've had them thrust upon me a couple of times.

Well, that would be frightening.

It was scary stuff!

And they come in teams. They do Elvis nights.

It's not like you go and see a guy doing an Elvis impersonation -

it's Elvis night, so there will be six Elvises on that night.

Really, honestly, it gives me pain. And they always do the same song.

They always do American Trilogy.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-That's the big finish.

-Yeah.

-IMPERSONATING ELVIS:

-# And I wish I was in the land of cotton... #

And you think, the land of cotton to Elvis,

because he came from the south,

must have meant a tremendous amount, he poured great emotion.

To them, they probably think it's like World Of Leather.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, we have a clip, this is a man. To be fair to this man,

he is not a regular Elvis impersonator.

He did it on... This is a talent show on a cruise ship.

And he himself in the comments below

said, "This is the most embarrassing three minutes of my life."

So at least he accepted it.

But, uh, get a load of this.

# Went to a party at the county jail

# ..began to wail. #

HE MUTTERS INCORRECT LYRICS

# .. the jailbird sing, let's rock

# Everybody, let's rock

# Let's do the jailhouse rock

# Dancin' to the jailhouse rock

HE MUTTERS INCORRECT LYRICS

# ..trombone...

# Let's rock. #

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

So I've... Yeah, I've got to agree with you on this, Christine,

I just wish it would stop.

We don't need it, we just... We've still got

all those wonderful records of the King

and his marvellous thing.

And, so, um, first of all to you,

-IMPERSONATES ELVIS:

-..thank you very much.

GROANS AND LAUGHTER

I am definitely, definitely going to

put Elvis impersonators into Room 101.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, then, let's have our next category.

It's the Wildcard round.

Now, this means that you don't have any restraints of category,

you can just choose anything at all

that you don't like, so what is Bob's wildcard?

It's unripe fruit in supermarkets.

-I find myself... Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

I just find myself... I mean, particularly the melon,

the nectarine, the peach, the pear

and the apricot - it's impossible to get one ready to eat,

and on the odd occasion you can, it's packaged as

actually "ready to eat", and they charge you more for it.

It's very frustrating, and it just adds to the nation's fruit bowls

just rotting away, attracting fruit flies and then being disposed of,

-because it's long past your desire to have a slice of melon.

-Yeah.

The other thing is, I remember when I was younger it was a Friday treat

to get a yellow honeydew melon, and we'd gather round it,

this beautiful yellow orb, ready to enjoy it,

but now these unripe melons that you buy from supermarkets,

they taste like turnips.

I imagine a whole generation, you know, being put off melons by it.

It's probably one of the biggest impulse buys, as well.

I mean, you buy a banana when you fancy a banana.

Not you buy a banana two weeks before you fancy it -

in case you fancy a banana.

Bananas are quite speedy, aren't they? They can ripen up.

-They can.

-As can a tomato, Brendan.

-But unfortunately not a lemon.

-No.

There's a fruit stall at the bottom of my road,

and I see them throw away overripe fruit.

So there's only a very short window of edibility

before they become overripe.

Yeah, but we used to be able to cope with that.

What used to happen, of course, is we had stocks,

where people used to get put in...

You'd think, in the age of recycling - bring those back.

I feel a bit sorry for greengrocers, because they lose

probably 40% of their stock every week in car chases.

The odd thing about this is they do very different stuff with,

let's say, bread, in supermarkets,

where they put the freshest bread at the back of the tray

and the old stuff at the front, to make you buy the old stuff.

Luckily they had a similar policy at the dating agency

my girlfriend went to.

In Nanjing in China there's a greengrocer

who decided that he had a good gimmick

for selling peaches.

So what he did was, he put little examples of ladies' lingerie

on them, and there's a great from this bloke,

translated, obviously.

It's a great quote.

-HE IMPERSONATES STEREOTYPE

-No.

No.

He said, "The people who supply our pants make lingerie

"for some of the most exclusive designer labels in the world.

"There's nothing tacky about them at all."

Here they are.

LAUGHTER

Not at all tacky!

-I love it.

-I quite like it.

Would you like one?

-No thanks.

-There they are.

I couldn't, I just wouldn't feel right.

OK. What is Rachel's wildcard?

Yeah, my wildcard is the Essex girl stereotype.

I'm from Essex. I'm from Southend. Born and bred Essex girl...

-MURMURING

-Thank you.

And I remember as, like, a young girl,

going on holiday to somewhere like Cuba

I met a Canadian group of guys,

and even they'd heard of the Essex girl stereotype.

-Wow.

-So they were kind of, "Oh, yeah, Essex. We've heard about you."

And it kind of died off for a while, and then obviously with things

like The Only Way Is Essex it's kind of back with a vengeance.

And I know especially it annoys my friends,

cos Essex has got some of the best schools in the country,

but they think that we all talk like The Only Way Is Essex,

and people say to me, "Oh, you've lost your accent."

I haven't lost my accent at all -

this is what normal people from Essex sound like,

and we're not all covered in fake tan and peroxide blonde

and obsessed with that, and shopping and nails,

and that's the only thing we do.

I worked with Brian Belo, who's from Essex.

-Do you know him? I think he won Big Brother 8.

-OK.

And I was on a show where we were playing that game

where you have to... You have a thing on a card

and you have to communicate what's on the card.

And some people think he's a bit, you know, he's a bit thick because

he didn't know who Shakespeare was when he was on Big Brother.

And it was British icons.

He had to communicate it, and he said, "Right,"

and he got his card and he said, "Right, it's surfing...

"and little guitars and sort of like, you know,

"straw sort of frock things."

And I said, "This is Britain? Newquay?"

He said, "No, no, dancing, and stuff like that."

It turned out it was The Hay Wain by John Constable,

and he'd read it as Hawaii.

Ah.

So he's a lovely bloke, Brian, but he's not helping.

I've met a few of the people on The Only Way Is Essex

and they're all really genuine -

that's what they are, and they're not ashamed.

I like a lot of them. And Joey Essex, I met him,

and he thought that Richard and Judy created the world.

No, he didn't.

Yeah, he got confused with Adam and Eve.

Don't even go there! Don't even go there!

No. But they didn't create the world, either.

Well, that's a whole other kettle of fish.

OK, what's Brendan's wildcard?

It speaks for itself. Bad toilet etiquette.

Hmm.

I can only speak for males because it's only half the time I'm a woman.

There are certain rules and regulations,

unspoken, unwritten, that happen in a toilet.

-Mm.

-When you walk into a toilet, you see other people,

you go to the furthest bowl from other people. It's as simple as that.

Yeah, well, he's breaking the rule there.

Because if there's three, you go to one end, not the middle one.

Yeah, the far end, and you always go to the furthest down from the door.

If it's empty I'll stand at one end and aim at the other.

You show-off!

But if someone comes in I just...

If I want to intimidate them,

I always come in and go, "Floor's cold."

Another thing they do, too, is they stare at me.

So I'm trying to go,

and I turn around and there's a guy standing beside me going...

Hold on. Are you dressed as Mrs Brown at the time?

Could be!

I just do this.

I'll tell you what you don't see so much of now - graffiti in toilets.

A friend of mine took this photo of some graffiti he saw in a toilet.

Occasionally you get some graffiti which is so random it's just joyous.

Look at this.

LAUGHTER

There's a lot of the unisex ones now.

Outside where you want to do your hair and make-up,

-but there's a man there.

-Yeah. I followed a man in there and then...

RACHEL LAUGHS

No, cos that's the toilets,

and I heard what appeared to be an elephant having a wee next door.

And a little lady came out afterwards.

Do you know, she was 17st when she went in.

You know, it's so difficult. There's no seat in the toilet bowl,

usually, when you get in, so you've got to hover.

It's got to be the right height because you don't want splashback,

so you've got to do that.

Then you've got to wedge your elbows because there's no lock on the door.

This is how they got the idea for the Chicken Tonight advert.

OK, so we come to the end.

And I know what you mean about the Essex stereotype, but it seems to me

that so many people from Essex seem to have made a lot of money

out of that stereotype, and careers out of it

that I can't really condemn it.

The unripe fruit is a very good argument indeed, I must say,

and fruit is so hard and unwelcoming,

and then later on it gets squidgy and lovely.

Again, like Carol Vorderman.

I wish now I'd bought early and left her in a bag...

LAUGHTER

And the whole thing of going to public toilets is a traumatic

and difficult experience -

and for that reason, this is very close,

but I am going to put bad urinal etiquette into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Brendan, you were the most persuasive guest tonight,

so you are this week's winner.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Well done, Brendan.

-Well done.

So, thanks very much to Brendan O'Carroll, Bob Mortimer

and Rachel Riley, and thank you, good night.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING