Episode 8 Room 101 - Extra Storage

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests compete to have their biggest bugbears

banished forever to the notorious vault.

Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories

and in each round, only one item can be chosen.

The final decision is mine.

Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are Radio 1 DJ Jameela Jamil,

TV presenter Adrian Chiles

and showbiz legend Des O'Connor.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, let's have our first category.

It's Modern Life.

OK, what doesn't Adrian like about modern life?

People who recline the seat.

KNOWING GROANS AND APPLAUSE

This is me.

This is the person in front.

JAMEELA: Me.

LAUGHTER

I can understand...

I can understand, if it was her sitting behind,

I wouldn't mind.

LAUGHTER

Is Des O'Connor hitting on me?

LAUGHTER

It's all right, I'm between the two of you.

I can ensure fair play.

I need 48 hours' notice.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You're all right, Des, there's a chemist just down the road.

LAUGHTER

Look, I'll put him back up.

That's me, you're settling down, two, three-hour flight,

and the person in front of you, without checking you're all right,

whether you've got a drink in your hand,

trying to do something on a laptop,

or you've got a newspaper open,

or you're trying to eat or drink something,

just goes "whoomph", straight there.

-It ruins your flight.

-Hm.

It's the height of selfishness.

I would make an exception if the said man,

if he just checked, if he just did a little bit of...

-LAUGHTER

-Like I do, go, "Do you mind, mate?

"I need to..."

At least he's asked.

You say that thing about looking round and asking,

I have never known anyone to ask permission.

-Yeah.

-Well, it's only me.

I'm the only one who does it.

I've been refused permission. They go, "No, don't do that."

Adrian, you want to worry when the little kid in front of you

on a long flight goes, "Hello."

LAUGHTER

And you stupidly go, "Hello."

Then you're hooked for whatever the rest of the flight is.

Or the kids who kick the back of your chair...

-Yes.

-Oh.

-..for the whole of the journey.

You hate that until you have kids yourself

and realise there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop it.

Frank, I have taken direct action on this in the past.

If somebody's really just gone all the way back,

particularly somebody tall,

you're actually looking at the top of their head for the whole flight.

So, when they do eventually come up,

they just get a glass of red wine to the lips,

and then just a little tap behind...

-Really?

-..just to punish them. A little bit of spillage...

-LAUGHTER

-I go...

-Do you spit on...?

-I've only ever had one fight.

-I was... Not a fight, exactly.

-Oh, you've only had one fight.

Well, that's not so bad.

One of the things I don't understand

is that there isn't actually much tilt on a seat.

It's like people get on and think,

"Well, I can't possibly relax like this.

"Oh, that's much better".

LAUGHTER

Well, that's another thing,

it doesn't make any difference anyway.

No, it's rubbish.

Mind you, this is a man, can I say,

Adrian Chiles once reprimanded me for laughing on an aeroplane.

I was watching a film and he came down and started...

I said, "What is it?" and he said,

"Do you know you're laughing out loud?"

I said, "It's a comedy film".

No, no, but it was a real belly laugh.

There's a kind of comedian

who doesn't laugh at other comics' jokes.

Frank, bless him, is not like that. He roars with laughter.

I remember the film, it was Pineapple Express,

and I've always wondered if...

Was it Pineapple Express? Is that right?

-No, it was Titanic.

-Was it?

LAUGHTER

Here's a story.

There's a man called Les Price

and he was flying on an airline,

and they told him that anyone over 20st

has got to buy two seats.

That was the rule.

So, Les said, erm...

We've got a picture of Les, by the way.

I don't know if the photographer told him what was on that mug...

LAUGHTER

Anyway, that's Les.

It says, "When I got to the airport

"I had to explain to all the staff why I had two tickets.

"They didn't have a clue.

"When I finally got on the plane,

"one seat was an aisle seat

"and the other was by the window."

LAUGHTER

So, you don't sit next to Les Price,

you sit amongst him.

LAUGHTER

Frank, there's a gadget you can get, a little plastic thing,

I read about it in the States, and you take it on to the plane,

if you object to people reclining the seat.

It's a bit of plastic that fits between there and there,

so when they try and recline, it won't move at all.

But there's been air rage, fights,

people whacking each other with the thing,

so they're trying to ban them. I think they're a brilliant idea.

It's funny you should say that...

-Oh, no, you haven't?

-..because I've got one.

Of course, in order to demonstrate it,

what I really need is a few aircraft seats.

Here they come.

THEME MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

Right, so,

let's say you're the offender.

Do you want to sit in this seat?

And I'll be the poor innocent.

And I've got... I'll show them how this works.

-All right.

-So, if you want to put your seat back,

to start off with.

Can I just try that thing when I check if it's all right?

-OK.

-I go...

"Do you mind if I put my...?"

You're that Adrian Chiles off the telly.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"So, how's West Brom doing this season?

"Eh? Eh?"

"They're doing well, ain't they? Eh?"

"It's only nine hours, this flight.

"Looking forward to it."

LAUGHTER

We'll try first of all, just to make sure,

-can you put your seat back?

-Certainly.

These are the... These are the actual clips you speak about.

-Yeah.

-If you go forward now, I'll show you.

These are... These genuinely work.

So, first you have to pull the table down,

and then they clip on these bits here.

Simple as that. Now try and go back.

Well, I don't... OK.

Oh, yeah. They're good, aren't they?

-Yeah.

-They're all right.

I have one method which I prefer over all these,

which I have used on a few occasions,

and that's this.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

THEME MUSIC PLAYS

Frank, where do you get those brown coats from?

Are those from the set of Morecambe and Wise?

Nobody wears them in real life. It's only on TV programmes.

Don't mention Morecambe and Wise in front of Des.

-They were.

-Oh...

LAUGHTER

They were very cruel to him.

I once told Eric,

"I've just done a one-man show."

He said, "Let's hope two turn up next time."

LAUGHTER

OK, so what doesn't Des like about modern life?

I don't understand horoscopes.

I don't know why people do it, why distinguished people,

clever people, intelligent people,

run their lives by horoscopes.

One of the things that fascinates me,

which might prove there is something in it,

is every racehorse has a birthday on January 1st,

and they are a bit samey.

LAUGHTER

No, every racehorse is a Capricorn.

Jesus was a Capricorn.

LAUGHTER

So, Jesus and all racehorses.

That explains them being born in a stable thing, doesn't it?

LAUGHTER

Now, this is interesting,

so we can judge whether someone is any good or not,

I have a list of Mystic Meg's predictions for 2006

and it's quite... You'd be surprised,

she's got, you know, not a terrible hit rate.

Let me just get... This is the first one for 2006.

-Did that ever happen?

-It didn't happen, Des.

Did you think you might have missed it?

I might have nodded off or fallen over.

LAUGHTER

I know you've been busy, but come on.

This is the most outrageous.

I mean, she's gone too far with this one.

We have a clip now... Now this is...

If you believe in stuff,

I want to believe in this.

This is a man speaking to Patrick Moore, the astronomer,

and this man honestly claims

that he can speak Venusian.

HE SPEAKS "VENUSIAN"

What does that mean, actually?

That means, "How are all you?

"I am very pleased to see you..

"..this afternoon."

LAUGHTER

What do you think?

I think he's nuts.

Well, it's easy to scoff at these people.

What if we found out that in fact he could speak Venusian?

The first thing he would say is, "Where's the dentist?"

wouldn't he?

-Why?

-He's got no teeth!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

When it comes to astrology, it's so ridiculous.

For example, I have the same birthday as George Harrison,

and I just feel like there are zero parallels

that have been going on in our lives.

He would have worn that top.

LAUGHTER

-I would like to think so.

-Yeah.

Russell Grant did my star chart once

and he said that my career would last seven years,

and I would never hold down a long-term relationship.

And?

And we didn't. We only lasted about two years, me and him.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, what doesn't Jameela like about modern life?

Mine is bad break-up etiquette.

Is there a good way to break-up?

Yeah, but first let me tell you the bad way to break-up...

-OK.

-..which is purely on, like, the mobile phone or e-mail.

I've often wondered about this.

I don't see why it's better to do it face-to-face.

No, I agree with you.

I believe in a preliminary textual break-up.

I think it should be done always in two rounds.

So, round one, you let them know.

So when I'm doing it, I text someone, just going,

"We need to talk, dot-dot-dot, no kiss."

-Yes.

-And then you know... You know something...

That's awful. That's torture.

No, but it's not torture because it gives you time.

If a man sends me that, I've got time.

I need 24 hours.

I've got to sort out my situation.

You've got to make sure that you've got a great dress.

You've got to look amazing. 24 hours without carbs.

You've got to let all the puff from all the crying,

like, settle down, and then you have to arrange for Ryan Gosling

to be outside, to propose to you on the spot as soon as you leave.

Do you have a set method for finishing with someone?

It's always, "We need to talk, dot-dot-dot, no kiss."

-Always?

-Always. That's my standard,

so that they've got time to prepare themselves.

Maybe they'll even win me back, cos they'll come,

you know, ready and prepared.

It's interesting, the whole texting thing, cos like Des, you know,

when I first started going out with people, there was no texting.

I was once dumped by carrier pigeon.

LAUGHTER

I could tell there was something wrong from the flight path.

LAUGHTER

I dumped someone by text

when text was still in its infancy.

I dumped someone on this phone...

And what I thought would be clever

was to dump them in the style of a game show host.

Yes, it seemed a good idea at the time.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to change her name.

And it says,

"Unfortunately we're going to have to say goodbye to Julie...

"..but she doesn't leave empty-handed".

LAUGHTER

And then I list the various things that I bought her during the...

LAUGHTER AND GASPS

During the relationship.

I won't list them now, but I thought it was...

I don't feel like a bad person any more.

LAUGHTER

There is also another way online to be dumped,

which I think is amazing,

where you can pay a celebrity to dump

someone for you on a video message.

-Really?

-I thought you'd be more shocked, really. I expected...

-I'm taking it in.

-Des is thinking,

"There might be some money in this".

LAUGHTER

OK, we've come to the end of this round.

I don't know if there's such a thing as good break-up etiquette.

I think you're going to hurt someone however you do it.

You're kind of stuck with it, and people do it to make them

feel better, rather than the other person.

Being dumped is just pretty bad, generally.

Horoscopes, I still like to believe, Des,

there might be a little something in there,

at least for the racehorses,

if nothing else.

But those people who tilt their plane seats back,

don't even ask, and you have to...

The whole thing with their product in your face,

it's just not acceptable.

I am going to put people who tilt back their plane seats

into Room 101.

Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next category, please.

It's Friends and Family.

Hoo! OK.

Let's see what Adrian doesn't like about his friends and family.

I can't bear it when people come round to my house

or wherever I might cook for them and they don't eat what I've cooked.

I don't so much mean fussy eaters, cos I will have taken the trouble

to find out what they do and don't want.

But somebody who comes and just pushes little bits

to the side of the plate and just leaves it.

I can't bear it. It ruins the night for me.

-Maybe you make disgusting food.

-No, I don't. Do I, Frank?

LAUGHTER

I wouldn't call it disgusting exactly...

LAUGHTER

The anger, when I find it most overwhelming,

was one night I cooked in a... I cooked in a restaurant.

It was for a TV thing I did,

and anyone who's cooked in a restaurant will know,

you can be a competent home cook, but the difference between

that and cooking in a restaurant - two wholly different things.

Anyway, I plated up my dishes.

My mum's Croatian, so it was a Croatian-type thing.

And then, fantastically, some orders came in

and then it went out the door

and I was so excited and then half an hour later,

the waiters came back and there was... Some of it was clean plates.

Others had just kind of left it.

I became livid. In fact, I stopped cooking.

There was a little port hole looking out onto the diners

and I was just looking round...

I couldn't stand the thought

that they didn't like what I'd cooked for them.

In fact, one of the diners that night,

who was pushing my food down the plate, was Wayne Sleep

and it was all I could do to stop myself

just bowling out and just shaking him.

He's only about this big.

I know. It wouldn't have been a good look, would it?

-Beating up Wayne Sleep cos he didn't eat my...

-No.

He'd have been fighting you off with a fork like this.

It's come down a generation, cos my mum's from the former Yugoslavia

and can't bear to see food wasted.

I'll get the train up to Manchester to work often

and in the morning, you get a free sausage bap.

And a bloke came along to me and he had a big platter of them.

He said, "Do you want sausage or bacon?" I went, "Dunno."

He said, "Have both."

So I had a sausage bap and a bacon bap.

Had all those. I'd already had breakfast before, by the way.

He came back later. He was a Scouser, this bloke.

Again, huge platter, big pile of baps.

And he said..."I'm about to bin these. Do you want any more?"

And he might as well have said,

he might as well have been holding a kitten,

saying "Nobody wants this kitten.

"I'm going to flush it down the toilet." It felt the same.

-I had four more, Frank.

-LAUGHTER

I swear to God, I had four more.

I had six huge... Six huge baps.

My day was in tatters by the time I got to Milton Keynes.

Flatulent... Bloated...

-Awful.

-Yes.

I should say that Adrian and I once went to, erm, I think

it was Leicester City - West Brom,

and on the way, on the motorway, we went to KFC.

And we had a three-piece dinner each. With coleslaw!

LAUGHTER

Yeah. And then we went to the match. I think we might have even won.

And on the way back, Adrian said, "Are you hungry?"

And I said, "Yeah, I'm quite hungry."

So we stopped at the same KFC and had the same again.

I can honestly say I've never felt closer to the Colonel.

OK, what doesn't Jameela like about her friends and family?

I don't like bad flatmates.

It's always a tricky one, especially when you move in with strangers,

which I think is a really bad idea,

cos you don't know if they're going to murder you in your sleep.

You have no idea who you're moving in with.

But I feel like moving in with mates can completely change

and destroy a friendship as has happened to me on several occasions.

-So have you had some bad flatmates?

-Yeah.

God, I've had some awful flatmates!

Erm, and there's a long list of things you can do

to make someone hate you when you're living with them.

One of the really bad ones is I had a flatmate who used to urinate in,

erm... in, like, water bottles.

And just leave them round the house. GROANING

-Why?

-Cos if there was someone else in the bathroom,

when you've got to go, you've got to go.

And then I find messy flatmates really awful and disgusting.

The point at which I had to leave my last flat was the point

when it started to look like an episode of Breaking Bad.

Erm, note leavers.

I hate note leavers.

We had one woman who wouldn't let us leave the kitchen open

when we were cooking because she claimed that her clothes -

three floors up! - would smell of the food. Even toast!

I've got some notes, some actual examples of notes.

This is a sort of "Do the washing up" note.

LAUGHTER

That's quite clever.

I had someone once write a note - when people leave notes

on their food in the fridge - and she once wrote, erm, "Don't eat this.

"I've spat in it."

So I just wrote underneath it, "So have I."

LAUGHTER

But this note, I think this, as flatmates go, is a work of art.

GROANING

That's "I unclogged the drain" done in human hair.

There's a very good method

for stopping people eating your food, flatmates.

If you get, say, a nice sandwich like this in the fridge

that you're looking forward to when you get back,

you take one of these sandwich bags and put it in.

Oh, that's amazing!

And it looks like a mouldy sandwich. What a fantastic idea.

That's incredible.

OK, what doesn't Des O'Connor like about friends and family?

Birthday cards.

I just... I think kids should get birthday cards,

but I don't think we adults need birthday cards.

I hate the ones with the little badge on which says how old you are.

LAUGHTER

How old do they go, Des? Those badges?

High enough!

There's too many cards.

Don't get me wrong, I like silly cards and fun cards,

but I just think... For instance, some women complain

because their husband forgets the anniversary.

There's one way you can stop that - marry him on his birthday.

Then they will never forget.

-My dad actually did that.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Married someone on their birthday?

Yeah. My mum.

LAUGHTER

Do you buy birthday presents?

Yeah.

-OK.

-LAUGHTER

Me and my girlfriend, we don't.

We came to an agreement

that we wouldn't buy birthday or Christmas presents.

And my argument was I said to her, "The thing is,

"if I ever see anything I want to buy you,

-"I don't need a special day."

-That's what I'm saying.

Do you know, I've never bought her a present from that day.

-LAUGHTER

-It's true!

My brother used to sometimes on Christmas or on birthday morning,

would come through and be like, "Can I borrow 20 quid?"

I'd give him 20 quid and he'd give it back to me

in a card later for my birthday.

My mum's taken...

It's a sign of old age on my part, she's taken to buying me

the most, on the face of it, boring presents.

She bought me - no word of a lie, the birthday before last -

a ball of string.

-I can honestly say...

-Does she think you're a cat?

No, I was delighted!

I thought, you know, I haven't got a ball of string!

No, really, it came on a little dispenser thing,

so you, like, pull it off. Beautiful.

I have to say, I like practical presents.

People moan about socks and pants - I like socks, pants, diesel...

LAUGHTER

You must be hard to buy for, though, Des.

I think you're the man who has everything.

Yeah, I'm OK. I'm a happy boy.

And like Adrian said, I can't get uptight about things.

I think people worry too much about things.

Don't worry about someone tipping their seat up.

Don't worry if someone doesn't eat the food.

Don't worry if you don't like

your...person that's living with you.

So if your partner didn't get you a birthday card

-for your next birthday...?

-I'd be happy.

-Really?

-I couldn't care less!

What is a piece of cardboard? What's that?

That's not love. That's not affection.

That's not really caring, is it?

APPLAUSE

This show is turning into Life Lessons From Des O'Connor.

OK. So we come to, erm, my decision.

Flatmates...can be very difficult to live with.

I think you see what human beings can be

when you live with them like that.

I think people not eating your food,

there could be many, many reasons for that.

They could have just had five bacon baps on the train...

LAUGHTER

And birthdays, I can see how they might get boring after a while...

Yes.

But I think people do like the opportunity just to say

"I love you," even if it's with a card.

Otherwise, they tend to not say anything at all.

-I think I am going to put bad flatmates into Room 101.

-Yes!

APPLAUSE

Next category, please.

It's the Wildcard round.

The gloves are off. You can choose anything at all that you like,

or, indeed, don't like.

So, what is Jameela's wildcard?

It's loud eaters.

APPLAUSE Yeah. Yeah, you know.

They know.

It's the, like,

the mouth open, the...

SHE CHOMPS

Yeah, hm.

You know, those people where it sounds like

there's just sort of like a wave of just

half-masticated cow rolling around,

like a washing machine, and you can see it when they're eating it,

and bits of it, like, splash out,

either into your food or onto your face.

AUDIENCE GROANS I physically, like, recoil.

I can't be in a room with that sound.

I would dump someone, the love of my life,

over that.

That's how bad it is.

Would you be aware of this in yourself, if you were a loud chewer?

Yeah, and I'm always really forthright

with telling people that they can tell me if I'm making any noises,

because it's another phobia of mine,

that I would be loud.

Have you ever had a sloppy kisser?

Oh, yeah. Oh!

Oh, God, that's the worst.

-Hm.

-Sloppy or noisy?

-Oh, sloppy AND noisy.

-Well, it's both.

Just the worst, you know,

where you need, like, a towel afterwards.

Yes. Yes, well, I went out with...

-That's horrendous.

-I went out with one woman,

she was lovely but she was saliva-heavy.

LAUGHTER

When she came in for the kiss, I used to put one of these on.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

AIR WHIRS INTO THE MACHINE

Was she trying to run away from you?

Well, she was slipping away from me.

LAUGHTER

It's like trying to hold on to a large fish.

There's a fabulous clip.

This is... Two virgins married....

It sounds like the beginning of one of Des's jokes.

LAUGHTER

Two virgins married, but they hadn't even kissed before.

They'd completely had no...

Apart from holding hands, that was it.

And they did their first ever kiss on film,

and this is...

The virgins have their first kiss.

APPLAUSE

GENTLE MUSIC FLOWS

I was just waiting and then all of a sudden,

"You may kiss the bride", and I'm like, "Oh, yeah, it's time.

"You've got to get ready and I've got to do this".

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

She had no tongue at the end of it.

LAUGHTER

That's assault.

I know, it's one of the most horrible kisses I've ever seen.

You know what? It's also awful if they're, like, completely,

like, dry in the mouth as well,

so then it feels like you're just... Like their tongue is...

Everything is like the Sahara Desert in there,

and then it feels like you're just being poked

with a bit of, like, raw broccoli.

LAUGHTER

Can we ask you,

do you kiss a lot of cats?

LAUGHTER

Now, here's an interesting theory.

If you sit next to someone every day at breakfast, for example,

and say you are annoyed by the noise they make,

there's an argument that the problem is your left ear.

If you're hearing it from your left-hand side,

because your left ear feeds information to the right side

of your brain, and the right side of your brain is where emotion dwells.

But I've found a way around this.

So, if your lover sits to the left of you

and you're getting emotional about their eating,

this is a guy called Dominic Wilcox, invented this,

the Reverse Listening Device.

LAUGHTER

And, erm...

I can actually hear now through my left ear

what's happening on my right-hand side.

How do you know?

-What?

-LAUGHTER

So, no... Hang on. So...

Do you want to try it on?

But, like, if I'm doing this...

-SHE CLICKS HER FINGERS

-I can hear that in my left ear.

-Really?

-Honestly, I swear.

-Amazing.

Do you want to try it on?

Yeah, no, go on. Give it here.

Careful with it, because it's a one-off.

Let me... Shall I place it?

Oh, it's like winning Miss World...

on Saturn.

LAUGHTER

All right, I'm going to click it over here, ready?

HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS

Oh, that's amazing!

It's one of the best things that's ever...

I'm keeping this. This is mine.

-LAUGHTER

-OK.

APPLAUSE

-Boo!

-Argh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Surely you should have jumped that way?

It was his face, no offence.

You've got a lovely face.

OK, I'll come and get it.

Unfortunately, it's in the Aston Villa colours.

You can't have everything.

OK, what is Adrian's wildcard?

It's women's shoes where you can see the toes,

and the toes stray beyond the end of the shoe.

LAUGHTER

Literally, I can see that coming 100 yards away.

I mean, you've got to justify why you feel like this.

I don't know.

I can't bear to... I can't look at it.

I find it... I just find it awful.

I feel like... It's like I want to file them off.

LAUGHTER

Do you know, I went to some award ceremony,

it was the Pride of Britain Awards a couple of years ago,

and I was actually sitting on Piers Morgan's table,

and he said, "Come here. You, sit down".

So, I sat down next to Elle Macpherson.

I didn't know what to talk to her about.

Anyway, we had quite a nice conversation.

I thought, "Getting on rather well, who knows?"

And then she got up...

She got up to give an award,

and as she unravelled her 18-foot-long legs,

pulled them out, and she had high heels on.

It wasn't actually dissimilar to that.

There was that much toe-age coming off the end.

Well, sometimes really tall women can't get their feet in shoes!

Well, you've got to get bigger shoes, then.

There aren't bigger shoes. I don't want to have to go

to Long Tall Sally to get my shoes!

LAUGHTER

Shoes worry me. I worry about the pressure in your toes there.

They must be all scrunched up.

I just want to see you in trainers or something.

I like the fact that women wear really uncomfortable shoes.

That shows a sort of courage.

You know, when you get like a plaster on the heel

and then some of the toes look like pigs in a blanket...

LAUGHTER

..but they still put colourful nail varnish on.

It's like a wounded soldier in his dress uniform.

LAUGHTER

I think it's lovely.

Oh, the battered feet of a ballerina!

Have you seen men's feet?

Yeah, that's a fair point.

I mean, you have to cover that up.

But do yours stray? Would yours stray?

-Yes.

-Does it make you uncomfortable?

Oh, my God, it's like they're trying to find Neverland.

It's awful, but I can't help it because I'm a size eight.

Eight is not that big.

That Kate Winslet is a nine.

-No, she's not.

-She is.

-She's a seven.

-No, she's a nine.

-Selina Scott's a ten.

What does she wear? Actual canoes?

LAUGHTER

I like this, it's like women's feet Top Trumps.

LAUGHTER

What about this? This is Julianne Moore

and she looks lovely, I think you'll agree...

-Yeah.

-..glamorous at a big red carpet do.

But let's close in on the feet.

Oh, no!

LAUGHTER

-Are you serious?!

-That is quite unacceptable, to be fair.

Oh, God, I'll have nightmares about them.

Her feet seem to be paddling.

LAUGHTER

Oh, God.

They're just the wrong size, aren't they?

So, you're not with Adrian on this, Des?

No, no, feet never bothered me that much.

It wasn't the first thing I'd look for, I must be honest.

LAUGHTER

It used to be the first thing I'd look for,

but I was usually on the floor drunk at the time.

This is a woman, now...

Now, this is what I...

I admire women who will wear shoes

that just look impossible

and they battle on.

Look at this brave catwalk model.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE GASPS

LAUGHTER

But fair... Fair play.

"Don't worry, officer, I'll see she gets home all right."

But fair play to her, she battled on remarkably.

Is it fair to say that high heels are a sort of...

They're sort of fat leg converters?

-Yeah.

-They can make fat legs look all slim and...

It just lengthens you, doesn't it?

Yeah.

It's wonderful.

Respect.

LAUGHTER

OK, what's Des's wildcard?

Pantomimes.

LAUGHTER

Just tell the kids a little bit

about what they may be going to see,

cos I think some kids are confused.

I mean, the principal boy's a girl,

or the principal girl is a boy.

The dame is a man in a dress.

Two men, of course, dress up as a horse.

And Dandini's anyone's guess.

LAUGHTER

It just...

And some of the plots, I just think...

Have you ever tried to explain panto to an American?

LAUGHTER

My little boy said,

"Why's that a principal boy? Why's...

"It's a girl, is it not?"

And it's very difficult to try and explain those things to a kid.

We've got a picture of you...

This is you in...

I think as Buttons.

Are you Buttons there?

God, that's with Billy Dainty.

Billy Dainty.

Playing the Birmingham Hippodrome.

I was playing Cinders there,

and this little boy came up with about six other kids,

and you try and get a laugh out of them, and I said,

"What's your name, son?"

He said, "My name's Steven."

So, I said, "Steven, are you from Birmingham?"

"No, I'm from Dudley."

So, I said... I was still trying to get a laugh out of the kid.

I said, "Steven, is that with a 'v'

"or with a 'ph'?"

He said, "With an 's', you twit."

LAUGHTER

But there's all sorts of people doing it now.

Who would you say, Des,

was the highest paid pantomime performer last year?

I don't know, who was the most?

They were getting over £60,000 a week.

-What?!

-Was that two people?

-That's like a footballer.

Yeah, it was sort of... It was a double act.

Well, one of them was a dog.

Ashleigh and Pudsey?

Ashleigh and Pudsey.

Here they are, look.

£62,000 a week. How much of that did he see?

Nothing.

LAUGHTER

And that, my friends, is show business.

Have you ever seen one, Jameela?

Yeah, I'm not into it.

OK.

LAUGHTER

I thought I could be a dame,

and I tell you what I based this on,

the Queen of Denmark is called Queen Margrethe,

and I wasn't familiar of her,

and then someone sent me a copy of a portrait,

and they said, "Were you ever in Denmark?"

This is Queen Margrethe of Denmark.

LAUGHTER

That could be me as a pantomime dame.

What do you mean? It IS you! Own up.

No, honestly, that is Queen...

I swear, we have not touched that.

LAUGHTER

Did you enjoy doing it, or was it...?

Yeah, I loved it. It's great.

You're kind of a... You're a prisoner, more or less,

because you get up, say nine o'clock, have your breakfast.

You're getting ready to get to the theatre, cos it was two shows a day.

And then you've got to drive back and get home,

so it's hard work but it's great fun.

The kids do love it.

Right, so we come to my decision.

Well, yeah, so I won't put panto in,

cos, God knows, I might be glad of it at some time in the future.

People who chew like that...

SHE CHOMPS LOUDLY

It is annoying, but I don't know if they can help it.

Yes, they can. Close your mouth.

Close your mouth.

I like the fact that women bravely take on shoes,

because I just think that's great.

They want to look good and they'll suffer for their art,

and that's beautiful.

You know what? I am.

I'm going to put people who chew loudly into Room 101.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Jameela, you were tonight's most persuasive guest,

so you are this week's winner.

Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks very much to Des O'Connor, Adrian Chiles and Jameela Jamil,

and thank you, goodnight.

APPLAUSE