Episode 1 Room 101 - Extra Storage


Episode 1

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Transcript


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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101.

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The show where three guests compete to get their pet hates

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exiled for ever to the dark vault that is Room 101.

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They'll have to argue their case well

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because, in each round, only one item can be chosen.

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The final decision is mine.

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Let's meet this week's guests.

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Joining me tonight are remarkable man, Nigel Havers,

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remarkable nan, Catherine Tate,

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and remarkable tan, Rylan Clark-Neal.

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CHEERING

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I'll take it.

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I'll take that.

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BELL DINGS

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Let's get ready to grumble. LAUGHTER

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And let's see what's winding up Catherine.

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Yes.

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Minimiser bras. Now, look, I've got quite big boobs,

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and it's very difficult to find bras that are...

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sort of, nice and sexy looking, when they're holding up boulders.

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And when the Wonderbra sensation came out,

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the ladies with the opposite problem got this great invention,

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Wonderbra, because Wonderbras get your boobs,

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push them up - like this -

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and, aptly named,

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because I tried one on...

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I did wonder.

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I wondered where my face had gone, for a start.

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Now, someone's had the temerity...

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..to bring out a bra that says to ladies with big boobs,

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"Not only have you got to diminish them,

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"we're going to make them... this piece of underwear

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"so unattractive...

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"you're very unlikely to find a partner, anyway.

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"And if you do, it'd be much better if you kept your anorak on."

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And the way they do it,

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I don't think they've quite worked it through,

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is they've obviously gone,

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"Look, what we'll do is... get your boobs,

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"shove them under your arms."

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-And that's how they work.

-APPLAUSE

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So although one could argue

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you get a slightly flatter profile,

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makes it very difficult to wave!

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Cos your boobs are, like, under there!

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Like, "Hi, how are you?"

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I'll be honest with you now.

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Did you not know they existed?

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I did not know they existed.

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So I've researched the minimiser bra.

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I have some bullet points, but, um...

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I dare say it'll flatten those out.

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"A minimiser bra does not reduce the size of your breasts -

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"it minimises your breast projection.

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"Instead of pointed breasts,

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"the minimiser bra changes the breast shape to a more firmly held mound."

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Yes - under your arms!

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Yes. Isn't that what President Kennedy was shot from?

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"The cup shape is designed with a wider diameter

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"and a shorter projection,

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"your malleable breast tissue is flattened

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"and moved more under your arms,

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"towards your centre cleavage,

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"up your chest and down towards your waist."

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It's, sort of, the...

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It's the socialist ideal of the redistribution of assets.

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Yes.

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-We have a picture of you on the town, just...

-Don't.

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-..just to illustrate.

-What do you mean?

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-You what?

-Looking glamorous.

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Oh, my God!

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WOLF WHISTLES FROM CROWD

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Take it off!

-You look great.

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Take it off!

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-Take it down!

-OK, take it down.

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I think you look... I think it looks fantastic.

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I think it looks fantastic.

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This is the thing - most men think that women should dress like that...

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going to Sainsbury's. Don't you?

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-Yes.

-If that photograph of me is a good thing,

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cos I was definitely not wearing in minimiser bra in that shot.

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-You weren't.

-No, I wasn't.

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But, the worrying thing was, I wasn't wearing a Wonderbra.

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What were you wearing?

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There was just two very short men stood underneath me,

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holding them up, that they've cropped out of the top.

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I'm not condemning anyone who wears a minimiser -

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I wear minimiser pants.

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I...

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I don't. I don't, actually.

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I do.

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Do you remember, about a year ago, there was this mad phase of the...?

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It was called the "pen boob challenge," on the internet.

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Is it, you have to put your boob up

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and, if you can hold...?

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-A pen.

-Yeah, a pen or a pencil under it.

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I'll give you a fairly...

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-There's...

-What?!

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That's quite a daring photo for you to put up there.

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-It is.

-Another one of mine.

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THEY LAUGH

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This woman just took it a tad further.

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APPLAUSE

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Another one of yours?

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It's like a Dyson Halloween campaign.

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Anyway...

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what's winding up Nigel?

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CHEERING AND JEERING

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APPLAUSE

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Ooh!

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It's, of course, nothing personal.

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-Oh, no(!)

-No.

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He represents a lot of politicians

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who pretend to be one thing...

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And he's the worst offender at this, in my book...

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He pretends to be one thing, when, in fact,

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he's something completely different.

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He says he's a Labour...you know...

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but, in fact, he's a Marxist.

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-We know that.

-A what?

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A Marxist.

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I'll explain what it is after the show.

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For instance, he doesn't agree with sugar,

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but he makes jam.

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How's it going so far?

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He said, "I'm going to be new, I'm going to have...

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"I'm going to lead the party, it's the end of...

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"of politics as we know it.

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"It'll be kind politics."

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Kind politics? Have you seen the party he runs?

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-It's in ruins at the moment...

-Well, I think it's...

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..and I'm a Labour supporter, in many ways.

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-Seriously.

-Sorry?

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BELL DINGS

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-Are you all right?

-Don't send me a curveball, Nigel.

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However many people say, "You're not fit to run this party,"

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he's not going to move aside,

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which I think is a little selfish of him.

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Well, he does keep getting voted in

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by an enormous majority of the membership.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Can I just say, my mum said I would never end up on Newsnight

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but, Mum, I'm really close!

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So close.

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I can imagine you ending up on Newsnight as a topic.

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I mean, I'm not massively shocked

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-that you've chosen Jeremy Corbyn.

-Really?

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-Well, you know, you're Nigel Havers, for goodness' sake.

-Yeah.

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If you'd chosen cravats, I would have been gobsmacked.

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He doesn't preach what he says.

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You can't say, "I'm home making jam,"

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then you say, "I don't agree with sugar."

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What the hell is that all about?

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I'm surprised this is the policy you've picked on.

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Let's bring us all in,

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because I've got another thing that makes me love Jeremy Corbyn.

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And this is a...

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I mean, they love a photo opportunity,

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don't they, politicians? That's one of their things.

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They're holding a child,

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they're standing next to some...

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But this is one of my favourite politician photo opportunities.

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-That's one of my favourites an' all.

-Yeah.

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-He's got your vote.

-I mean...

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He's not gone, "No, I'm not going to...

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"I'm not going to not expose myself...!"

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Well...

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He said, "I'm not going to not take this photo."

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If you look at that, that is the face of a man

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who's aware of 200 years of British comedy tradition.

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He knows he's holding comedy in his hands there.

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This is what he said about this photo opportunity

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when asked about it.

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He said...

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"His was a pathetic little banana,

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"and I have got a massive marrow."

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APPLAUSE

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Well, one thing I like about him

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is he's spent a lot of his time, I think,

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in smoky rooms, in council buildings and stuff like that,

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and now, suddenly, he's been thrust on the main stage,

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and he isn't always as slick and professional as he could be.

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On one of his first major speeches, for example,

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they read from an Autocue,

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so they have the speech going up on a screen,

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and you get the occasional stage direction on there

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and the idea is that you're not supposed to read those out.

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Here's Jeremy.

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We need to be investing in skills,

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investing in our young people,

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and, strong message here...

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-LAUGHTER

-..not cutting student numbers.

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APPLAUSE

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-Actually, I find that quite endearing, actually.

-Yeah, me, too.

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-I do, I have to say.

-There's been so many flashy, slick politicians,

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I like the fact that he wears sandals and socks.

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He's like... Well, he's probably not a breath of fresh air, but...

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We have a picture of him in his...

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There's the sandals.

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It did make me think though,

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he's got sandals, like Jesus,

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he's got a beard, like Jesus,

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he's got the same initials as Jesus...

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..and, like Jesus, his friends call him Jezza.

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-It's only the jam thing that separates them.

-It is.

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Let's find out what is winding up Rylan.

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APPLAUSE

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Low ceilings, Frank.

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As a man...

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..I am six foot three, six foot four,

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-depending on what boots I've got on...

-OK.

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..and every day is a struggle for me.

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Whether I'll be, you know, walking along the road,

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there could be a branch.

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Whether I'm on a plane...

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That is a self-portrait, of myself, on the screen now.

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But, more importantly,

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I feel that I have a constant groove in the top of my head

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from doorframes.

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I've had to have the doorframes in my house raised.

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-Really?

-Yeah.

-Wow.

-Because it just don't work.

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Especially when the hair's up.

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Have you considered...

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ducking?

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Frank, I don't consider it,

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-I am a professional ducker!

-OK.

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APPLAUSE

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I duck morning, noon and night.

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Respect.

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But I don't enjoy it.

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I just... I don't.

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And the worst one, as much as I love meeting people,

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but it's when people ask you for the photo.

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-Hm.

-Because I stand up, and they're there.

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And their accomplice, who takes the photo,

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is also there.

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So, to not look like this in a photo...

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..I have invented the lean and dip,

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which is...

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Catherine, can I borrow you a second?

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So, if you come over... See, you're not too bad, actually.

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If you come here for me...

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and I'll come this side and I'll do this.

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This leg goes to the left and I'll do that out the shot.

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So, it looks like...

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we're friends,

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but I have to lean out,

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and you can vouch - you have to take my body weight.

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Yes!

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Yeah, so they've got to do their core strength.

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It's every day.

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It's beautifully done, that, I must say.

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Thank you. I've practised for a while now.

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Just the geometry of it, I enjoyed.

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I mean, could you just add more gel?

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-It's not...

-Like...the top deck of a bus.

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Let's talk about the top deck of a bus.

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It all goes on on the top deck of a bus.

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That's where you want to be on a bus, you know?

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-LAUGHTER

-You do.

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-You're right, though. You're right.

-Do you know what I mean?

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I mean, I'm not going to lie, I've not been on a bus for years.

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-But...

-LAUGHTER

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I'm being serious.

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If I wanted to get on a bus, I'd want to get on the top deck...

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..but I'll get up them stairs,

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and I'll probably be three away from the top,

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and that's it.

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So, the next step is that.

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The step before the actual floor is that.

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And then, when I'm actually on the top deck, I'm like that.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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It's hard. It's tough.

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APPLAUSE

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You try doing that when it's moving.

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I mean, I've give half of London lap dances,

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I really have.

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What you really need is a tourist bus,

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then you can stand fully.

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Yeah, but then it rains, then the hair. Oh, it's a drama.

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-You don't want your face to run.

-No.

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Believe me, it's run many a time.

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Generally, would you say it was a plus, in life, to be tall?

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At a concert, it comes in handy.

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-Changing light bulbs?

-Light bulbs are fine.

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You can never really enjoy a maze.

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-No.

-Would be my guess.

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I did go... I remember...

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I can't even... A good few years back now,

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I went to, like, a holiday site...

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down in Devon, we had a lovely time,

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and there was this, like, sort of, amusement-y park,

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outdoor fun...

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Fun in the farm, whatever it was called.

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And they had this maze and it was like a hedge maze,

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and I've never been in a hedge maze,

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but I always find it quite exciting,

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-the thought of a hedge maze...

-Mmm!

-..because it's hedges.

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-Almost always.

-Do you know what I mean, though?

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As a child, you think, "Oh, hedge maze!

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"What's in the middle?"

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And I could tell you what was in the middle

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from the gate at the front of the park.

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APPLAUSE

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Can I tell you something? You're six foot...three?

0:15:220:15:24

Six foot three, yeah.

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My son, who is four,

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got a certificate for swimming two metres,

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which is...

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less than you.

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Anyway, I feel your pain, I must say.

0:15:360:15:39

Well, you can physically feel it, if you want.

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I've got that little ridge.

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I'm not going to feel your ridge, I'll trust you on it.

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And I sort of think that the minimiser bra

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goes against everything I believe in.

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-And, Nigel...

-Hm.

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..I'm not going to put in...

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I knew you wouldn't.

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You argued your case well, but I think he is a breath of fresh air.

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Good, I'm glad.

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I'm beginning to agree with you.

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LAUGHTER

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But I think that the case that has moved me the most,

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and has made me....

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emotionally involved with the argument

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has to be Catherine,

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so I'm going to put minimiser bras into Room 101.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Well done, girl!

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CHEERING

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So, what is...

0:16:310:16:34

Nigel's choice?

0:16:340:16:36

What?!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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My choice is shops at airports.

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-Hm!

-To start with,

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they call themselves "duty-free shops" -

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there's nothing free about them at all.

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I know for a fact that,

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if I buy something in a duty-free shop at the airport,

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it's going to be more expensive

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than buying it at the high street at home. That's the first thing.

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And secondly, they make you snake through endless, endless shops.

0:17:020:17:06

You're trying to get to the aeroplane.

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I find it just so frustrating

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and it's full of things you don't want to buy

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cos you're going on holiday anyway!

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The whole thing is a barrage

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of people trying to make money out of you.

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It's expensive enough flying anyway.

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You don't want to spend any more money.

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Why can't the airport just be an airport

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where you can just fly to where you want to go?

0:17:240:17:26

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:17:260:17:31

I'll admit the duty-free is a strange shop indeed.

0:17:330:17:37

It's, sort of, chocolate, cigarettes,

0:17:370:17:40

perfume, alcohol...

0:17:400:17:42

It's like a, sort of, Loose Women theme park.

0:17:420:17:45

And they sell these...

0:17:480:17:49

This is the most peculiar thing, is the whisky in a box.

0:17:490:17:54

Why does that exist?

0:17:560:17:58

I mean, it's not like...

0:17:590:18:00

You know when you get guys on waste ground

0:18:000:18:02

drinking out of brown paper bags,

0:18:020:18:04

is it the sort of...?

0:18:040:18:06

You never see anyone on waste ground drinking out of one of these, ever.

0:18:090:18:14

And is the idea that, if...?

0:18:140:18:16

You know, you've had a bottle of whisky at home in the evening.

0:18:160:18:19

Maybe you don't drink the whole thing.

0:18:190:18:21

We've all had nights like that. Quiet nights.

0:18:210:18:23

When you're halfway down and you think,

0:18:250:18:27

"I've had enough now for tonight,"

0:18:270:18:29

do you actually put it back...in the box?

0:18:290:18:33

Is that what one does?

0:18:330:18:35

Do you two shop at the airport?

0:18:350:18:37

I LOVE shopping at the airport.

0:18:370:18:39

Do you?

0:18:390:18:40

-Yeah, I love an airport shop.

-I love an airport shop.

0:18:400:18:43

But now we've had Brexit,

0:18:430:18:45

does that mean that we get the cheaper price at the airport?

0:18:450:18:47

No, more expensive.

0:18:470:18:49

Oh, what's the point?

0:18:490:18:51

It's a very late reaction, if you don't mind me saying.

0:18:530:18:56

You're still buying something

0:18:560:18:57

that's going to be slightly more expensive than it is back at home.

0:18:570:19:01

And also, you've got hand luggage -

0:19:010:19:02

what, you're going to add more to your hand luggage?

0:19:020:19:05

And then the planes don't even let you have them.

0:19:050:19:07

-No, they don't.

-Then, they're like,

0:19:070:19:08

"You've got to put it all in one bag."

0:19:080:19:10

It's like, "You could've told me that

0:19:100:19:12

"before I just spent 300 quid in TK Maxx at the airport!"

0:19:120:19:14

Nobody's ever spent 300 quid in TK Maxx.

0:19:150:19:18

What did you do, buy the company?

0:19:200:19:22

All I'm saying is, basically, the airport, now, is a shopping mall,

0:19:240:19:28

which happens to have, in one side of it, some aeroplanes parked up...

0:19:280:19:33

-LAUGHTER

-..to take you somewhere.

0:19:330:19:35

But, basically, it's a huge shopping mall.

0:19:350:19:37

I'll tell you what really annoys me

0:19:370:19:39

about the airport shops at duty-free -

0:19:390:19:41

everyone likes to buy a little aftershave

0:19:410:19:43

or a perfume at the airport, it's what you do. Right?

0:19:430:19:45

It's what you do.

0:19:450:19:47

But why sell 120ml bottles of perfume...

0:19:470:19:53

..for 50 quid?

0:19:540:19:56

And you think, "Bargain, I'll take it."

0:19:560:19:58

You fly out to Spain,

0:19:580:19:59

you put a bit on, "Oh, I smell lovely."

0:19:590:20:01

Come back to Malaga airport,

0:20:010:20:03

"No, can't put that through, 100 mls."

0:20:030:20:04

-"What?!"

-LAUGHTER

0:20:040:20:06

All these security, airport security,

0:20:060:20:09

they must be lapping it up.

0:20:090:20:11

They could open a small branch of Boots!

0:20:110:20:13

-He's not just a pretty face.

-Thank you.

-No.

0:20:140:20:16

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:160:20:17

I've been trying to tell you.

0:20:170:20:19

You can if you check it.

0:20:210:20:22

-Yeah, but sometimes you just have hand luggage.

-Oh.

0:20:220:20:25

-Come on, Catherine, you've got about.

-Never.

0:20:250:20:27

-No, I always check a bag.

-Oh, no, I can't be doing with that.

0:20:270:20:30

Oh, I always do.

0:20:300:20:31

No.

0:20:310:20:32

-What, you mean...

-I have someone fly ahead with my luggage.

0:20:320:20:34

LAUGHTER

0:20:340:20:36

I like to take back a gift for my partner if I've been away

0:20:410:20:45

and I tend to get them at the airport...

0:20:450:20:48

-Foolish! Foolish man.

-..20 minutes before...

0:20:480:20:51

But then, her face, when she says, "Oh, Frank.

0:20:520:20:54

"Another European plug adaptor."

0:20:540:20:57

It really moves me.

0:21:010:21:02

I never dream of buying one anywhere else.

0:21:040:21:06

I-I just... I always forget it.

0:21:060:21:08

I've got about 19 at home.

0:21:080:21:10

I'll show you what I did.

0:21:100:21:12

I actually... Are you familiar with Battersea Power Station?

0:21:120:21:15

AUDIENCE: Yes.

0:21:150:21:17

We have a picture in case you don't remember it.

0:21:170:21:19

There it is. I actually made one out of two European plug adaptors.

0:21:190:21:23

Oh, look at that!

0:21:230:21:24

Absolutely beautiful.

0:21:290:21:31

That's what I do with my spare time.

0:21:310:21:34

So, what is upsetting Rylan?

0:21:340:21:37

This really winds me right up.

0:21:400:21:41

Set-up paparazzi shoots.

0:21:420:21:45

Obviously, I'm lucky enough, now, to work in this industry

0:21:450:21:48

and I love my job.

0:21:480:21:49

I, personally, don't like having my photo taken,

0:21:490:21:53

but what really winds me up is

0:21:530:21:56

when I do my job on certain other shows

0:21:560:21:59

where I'm talking about, maybe, a bit of gossip that's going on

0:21:590:22:01

and stuff like that, and I've got to say,

0:22:010:22:04

"Oh, did you see this picture of so-and-so in the park,

0:22:040:22:08

"working out, full face of make-up?"

0:22:080:22:13

Or someone looking sad.

0:22:130:22:14

Someone looking sad, sitting by the river,

0:22:140:22:16

"Oh, so-and-so since break-up looking sad by the river."

0:22:160:22:20

That's a bit of a worry, isn't it?

0:22:210:22:23

Looking sad by the river?

0:22:230:22:26

-You would think it was a worry..

-Yes.

-..but really,

0:22:260:22:29

they're sitting there going, "Have you got that shot yet?"

0:22:290:22:31

"You got that shot yet?

0:22:310:22:33

"Lovely, let's go out and have a nice bit of chicken."

0:22:330:22:36

I hate it!

0:22:360:22:38

And the ones that really wind me up are the working out ones.

0:22:380:22:41

The working out ones.

0:22:410:22:42

Like someone, you know, had a little bit of weight,

0:22:420:22:44

and now they've lost the weight to get the DVD.

0:22:440:22:47

And then it's like, oh, you know,

0:22:490:22:50

they're just randomly in the park in a sports bra,

0:22:500:22:53

their hair's been done by a hairdresser,

0:22:530:22:55

up in a high ponytail, you know, perfectly straightened,

0:22:550:22:58

eye make-up, smoky eyes, heavy lip.

0:22:580:23:01

No-one goes to the park with a heavy lip and a high pony.

0:23:010:23:05

Well, in the days when I was a bit more of a tabloid figure,

0:23:070:23:11

a popular Sunday newspaper offered me and my girlfriend, at the time,

0:23:110:23:14

they offered us a free week's holiday in the Caribbean...

0:23:140:23:18

-Here you go.

-..if we'd agree to be photographed,

0:23:180:23:20

-just for an afternoon...

-On the beach?

0:23:200:23:22

-..frolicking on the beach.

-Yes!

0:23:220:23:23

I think they wanted me to frolic, unselfconsciously,

0:23:230:23:26

-with a beach ball...

-Yep!

-..which I have never done in my life.

0:23:260:23:29

And they said, "We'll give you a free holiday,

0:23:300:23:32

"all we want is just those few shots

0:23:320:23:34

"and look as if you don't know we're there."

0:23:340:23:36

Yep, totally agree.

0:23:360:23:38

And that happens every single day.

0:23:380:23:40

And do you know what makes it even worse?

0:23:400:23:42

When they do it themselves.

0:23:420:23:44

So, like, I don't know, let's say "Mary," for argument's sake...

0:23:440:23:48

Mary was on a reality show, work's dried up a bit,

0:23:480:23:52

don't really know what she's going to do next.

0:23:520:23:55

Ring old Pappy Pete up.

0:23:550:23:57

"Let's go down Southend seafront,

0:23:590:24:02

"I'll get a bag of chips,

0:24:020:24:04

"and we'll make out a seagull's attacked me."

0:24:040:24:07

No!

0:24:080:24:10

And I speak no lie, a few days ago,

0:24:100:24:14

I saw a news article with a certain person

0:24:140:24:19

who was attacked by a seagull...

0:24:190:24:22

holding a bag of chips...

0:24:220:24:24

-..in work-out gear with a heavy lip and a high pony.

-No!

0:24:250:24:28

APPLAUSE

0:24:280:24:32

We have a picture... Now, how much of this is accidental,

0:24:340:24:36

and how much of it is, they absolutely know what's going on?

0:24:360:24:39

This is Orlando Bloom

0:24:390:24:42

-and Katy Perry...

-Yep.

-..on a...

0:24:420:24:45

-I think it's called a paddle board thing.

-Yep.

0:24:450:24:49

AUDIENCE GASPS

0:24:490:24:51

-That's a well-known shot that, isn't it?

-It is.

0:24:510:24:53

It's become a famous shot.

0:24:530:24:55

I feel sorry for Katy Perry

0:24:550:24:56

cos, for me, it's a big story - a picture of Katy Perry in a bikini.

0:24:560:25:01

And she has, you know...

0:25:010:25:03

-It's like on a wedding, it's the bride's day...

-Yeah.

0:25:030:25:06

..whereas I feel there are three people in this marriage...

0:25:060:25:09

..and, if you look at her face,

0:25:110:25:13

I don't think she knows what's going on behind her.

0:25:130:25:16

I think she thought that was

0:25:160:25:18

the beak of a playful dolphin at her back.

0:25:180:25:20

Definitely, the last time she looked behind, he was wearing pants.

0:25:220:25:26

Yeah, definitely.

0:25:260:25:27

I'd like to know how he's managed to stand up

0:25:270:25:30

and get a pair of pants off on a paddle board.

0:25:300:25:32

Now, I don't know if you saw the original of this picture...

0:25:340:25:37

Of course, I've seen the original of this photo.

0:25:370:25:39

I thought you might have. Let's put it this way,

0:25:390:25:41

he's not in any trouble if he loses the paddle!

0:25:410:25:42

No.

0:25:420:25:44

We have a similar... a sort of a twist on this.

0:25:460:25:50

This is Richard Branson.

0:25:500:25:51

LAUGHTER

0:25:520:25:54

-That's not real. That's not real.

-That is real!

0:25:540:25:56

That is real!

0:25:560:25:57

-And he again looks like he might not know she's there.

-Yeah!

0:25:570:26:01

You know what it's like, though, when you leave the house,

0:26:020:26:05

and you've got... There's a naked woman and your haversack on the sofa,

0:26:050:26:10

and you're not looking, you just put it on and off you go.

0:26:100:26:14

He's going to be reaching back for his sandwiches

0:26:140:26:17

and thinking, "Hold on!"

0:26:170:26:18

Do we know who she is?

0:26:200:26:22

Well, I think it could be a sort of sexy Gollum.

0:26:220:26:25

LAUGHTER

0:26:250:26:27

OK, then, what's winding up Catherine?

0:26:280:26:30

Hipster restaurants, yeah!

0:26:340:26:36

APPLAUSE

0:26:360:26:39

Look, here's one example, right?

0:26:390:26:41

There is a restaurant, I won't say where it is.

0:26:410:26:44

The spelling of this restaurant is A-X-E.

0:26:450:26:50

A-X-E.

0:26:500:26:52

What would one normal person assume the name of this restaurant is?

0:26:520:26:56

-Axe.

-Axe!

0:26:560:26:58

It's not called Axe, do you know what it's called?

0:26:580:27:01

Ah-shay.

0:27:010:27:03

So, a normal person would go in

0:27:080:27:11

and say, "Can I have the Axe burger?"

0:27:110:27:17

And they look at you as if you've...

0:27:170:27:22

..dug out their mother's innards...

0:27:230:27:27

put them between two slices, and chomped into it,

0:27:270:27:31

because, they'll go, "It's Ah-shay."

0:27:310:27:34

And it's up-speak as well,

0:27:340:27:36

because everyone answers you with a question.

0:27:360:27:39

"It's actually ah-shay."

0:27:410:27:43

"As in, what? As in, shove it up your ar-shay?"

0:27:430:27:46

APPLAUSE

0:27:470:27:51

To be fair, as long as they pay their tah-shays!

0:27:520:27:56

As an example of this in this country, there is a...

0:27:580:28:02

There's a restaurant in East London...

0:28:020:28:05

called Cereal Killer...

0:28:050:28:07

-Yes!

-..which sells breakfast cereal.

0:28:070:28:10

And it's run by twins, in fact.

0:28:100:28:14

Hipster twins, I'm going to call them.

0:28:140:28:17

Here they are.

0:28:170:28:18

It looks as if somebody has sprinkled magical beauty dust

0:28:190:28:23

on the Hairy Bikers.

0:28:230:28:24

As long as it's fun, that's OK.

0:28:260:28:28

But in a lot of hipster restaurants, it's not fun, it's like a religion.

0:28:280:28:32

OK.

0:28:320:28:33

And it's almost like you're being judged.

0:28:330:28:35

Yeah, I don't like the coolness, but I do like the gimmickry...

0:28:350:28:39

I love anything that makes food exciting.

0:28:390:28:40

For example, I have an advert featuring - get this -

0:28:400:28:44

a SpongeBob SquarePants talking, drinking straw.

0:28:440:28:49

That is my idea of dining out,

0:28:490:28:51

and these kids - do they love it or do they love it?

0:28:510:28:55

THEY SHOUT

0:28:550:28:57

STRAW TALKS, CHILDREN YELL

0:28:570:28:59

STRAW TALKS, CHILDREN YELL

0:29:010:29:04

STRAW TALKS, CHILDREN SCREAM

0:29:110:29:14

Is that... Oh, that's... I love that. That's so funny!

0:29:170:29:20

Yeah, I think it's good to combine your market research with lots of E additives.

0:29:200:29:25

I do like the gimmicky ones, because I'm not a big...

0:29:260:29:30

I don't love eating. I'm not that interested in food.

0:29:300:29:33

-Oh!

-And so, I like it...

0:29:330:29:35

I remember I was on a drip once, I loved it.

0:29:350:29:38

-Oh! Really?

-Oh, it was great.

0:29:380:29:41

You know, I didn't have to get anything on my teeth,

0:29:410:29:44

I didn't gain weight.

0:29:440:29:46

I just... I didn't have to worry about it, it was just there.

0:29:460:29:49

I miss it, I'll be honest with you.

0:29:490:29:51

Hipster coffee shops, as well, that's a worry for me,

0:29:520:29:55

because I'm not a coffee connoisseur,

0:29:550:29:58

but I do like a little bit of coffee,

0:29:580:30:01

and a lot of frothy milk.

0:30:010:30:02

But there are some coffee shops where to go in and say,

0:30:020:30:06

"Could I get...?

0:30:060:30:08

"Please could I get a latte, but just one shot of coffee?"

0:30:080:30:10

And they'll say, "No."

0:30:100:30:12

"No, we cannot let our coffee leave the shop

0:30:140:30:17

"unless it's got two shots of coffee in it."

0:30:170:30:19

Cos it's below their coffee moral code...

0:30:190:30:21

Oh, wow!

0:30:210:30:23

..to leave the shop.

0:30:230:30:24

Which makes me want to run to the nearest Starbucks

0:30:240:30:28

-and kneel at their altar.

-Mm.

0:30:280:30:30

And I'll get it really quickly, they'll call me by my name

0:30:310:30:35

and, if I don't like it, they make it again.

0:30:350:30:39

I don't mind all this hipster stuff, I'm sort of open to it,

0:30:400:30:44

I'm a bit like, "Yeah, you want to put a burger in a pizza box

0:30:440:30:48

"that's brought in on a wheelbarrow, I'll have a go."

0:30:480:30:51

But, before, pre-beard, pre-beard life...

0:30:520:30:57

..I received my coffee in said establishment

0:30:580:31:02

that we enjoy together, and it said, "Lady in blue top."

0:31:020:31:07

So...

0:31:090:31:11

So, obviously, I pick it up, and I look around,

0:31:140:31:17

-for the lady...

-Oh, no!

0:31:170:31:19

..and then I look down...

0:31:190:31:21

..and realise I'm the only person in the shop in a blue top.

0:31:230:31:27

So I go back to the person that took my order

0:31:270:31:31

and said, "Sorry, is this...?

0:31:310:31:33

"Is this the right one?" I said,

0:31:330:31:34

"Cos it says, 'Lady in blue top.' "

0:31:340:31:37

-And he went, "No, madam, that's yours."

-Oh!

0:31:370:31:40

APPLAUSE

0:31:420:31:47

So, I...

0:31:470:31:48

I'm afraid I need shops at airports, Nigel, because...

0:31:480:31:51

-Do you?

-..I do a lot of last-minute gift buying.

0:31:510:31:54

-Really?

-I have to get my European plug adaptor.

0:31:540:31:56

I'm going to try and put you off doing that, because you're paying more.

0:31:560:31:59

I take that as an argument but, to be honest, I'm not short of a few bob.

0:31:590:32:02

I like the...

0:32:040:32:05

I take the coolness point about hipster restaurants,

0:32:050:32:08

but I do love the madness of them,

0:32:080:32:10

and the fun has just won it through for me.

0:32:100:32:12

But the set-up paparazzi shot, it is a tragic part of modern life.

0:32:120:32:16

It really is.

0:32:160:32:17

I don't mind the paparazzi so much

0:32:170:32:19

but to actually come to a deal, that can't possibly be right, can it?

0:32:190:32:23

-No.

-And if it's upset you, a man I see at the very centre of...

0:32:230:32:26

pop culture... LAUGHTER

0:32:260:32:28

..then it really can't be right,

0:32:280:32:30

-so I am going to put set up paparazzi shots into Room 101.

-Yes!

0:32:300:32:33

CHEERING

0:32:330:32:36

Go!

0:32:360:32:39

APPLAUSE

0:32:390:32:42

OK, we've just got time to hear one bonus choice,

0:32:460:32:50

so let's see what Rylan goes for.

0:32:500:32:52

Yeah.

0:33:000:33:02

People that don't say "thank you" at zebra crossings

0:33:030:33:08

should be eliminated.

0:33:080:33:10

Is this when you're driving and you stop for them?

0:33:110:33:13

It's when I'm driving, or if I'm lucky enough to be driven.

0:33:130:33:16

I fume. I've thrown coffee out the window...

0:33:160:33:20

that says "Lady in blue top".

0:33:200:33:22

I've gone absolutely mad.

0:33:220:33:25

But I'll tell you why it really winds me up.

0:33:250:33:27

I'm the sort of person,

0:33:270:33:29

if I'm in the wrong I'll still go, "Sorry!"

0:33:290:33:30

You know, it's quite a British thing to do, isn't it?

0:33:300:33:33

And at a zebra crossing, when someone crosses the crossing,

0:33:330:33:36

-I still go...

-HE MOUTHS

0:33:360:33:38

-When you're driving? Oh, OK.

-Yeah, even when I'm driving.

0:33:380:33:40

But I'll tell you what it is - it really winds me up

0:33:400:33:43

and it's always wound me up,

0:33:430:33:44

because about a year ago,

0:33:440:33:46

my mother and my father-in-law,

0:33:460:33:48

they live in a very small village and it's really village-y,

0:33:480:33:51

there's a pond, you know, little post office

0:33:510:33:54

and a church - it's really lovely.

0:33:540:33:56

And once, I was driving into the village

0:33:560:33:59

and there was a duck...

0:33:590:34:01

standing on one side of the zebra crossing.

0:34:010:34:04

And I'm not one of them that would just run a duck over.

0:34:040:34:07

I'm not. And I swear to God, I stopped,

0:34:070:34:11

this duck crossed the zebra crossing

0:34:110:34:15

and as it crossed, lifted a wing.

0:34:150:34:18

LAUGHTER

0:34:180:34:20

And I stayed at that zebra crossing for about a minute

0:34:250:34:29

and watched this very aware duck...

0:34:290:34:32

and polite...

0:34:320:34:34

waddle off to the pond, jump in and do what it does.

0:34:340:34:38

And from that moment on,

0:34:380:34:40

I always think,

0:34:400:34:42

if that duck can raise a wing,

0:34:420:34:46

and say thank you,

0:34:460:34:49

why can't you?

0:34:490:34:52

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:34:520:34:54

We have a picture of... I think this is my favourite picture

0:34:570:35:00

of what I would call a zebra-crossing smile.

0:35:000:35:02

LAUGHTER

0:35:020:35:04

Can I say I don't approve of testing fake tan on animals?

0:35:080:35:12

You'd be too young to remember the panda crossing.

0:35:140:35:17

-Do you remember the panda crossing?

-Yeah. Yeah.

0:35:170:35:20

This was a sort of experiment in the '60s, but this was the shape they went for to represent the panda.

0:35:200:35:27

Rubbish representation of the panda.

0:35:270:35:29

What's the difference between a panda crossing and a zebra crossing?

0:35:290:35:32

I think the idea was that you could stop in the middle if you wanted to,

0:35:320:35:36

which to me is not a big advantage.

0:35:360:35:38

-No.

-I mean, how many people think, "Well, I don't want to cross the whole road...

0:35:380:35:42

"but I wouldn't mind having a look, a closer look at that side."

0:35:420:35:46

A little mosey in the middle.

0:35:460:35:48

Yeah. Do some people get to the middle and think,

0:35:480:35:51

"No, I don't think so."

0:35:510:35:53

Are you familiar with the Pegasus crossing which still exists?

0:35:540:35:58

Are these real things?

0:35:580:36:00

I swear to it!

0:36:000:36:01

The Pegasus, named after the mythical winged horse,

0:36:010:36:05

is for horses to cross the road.

0:36:050:36:08

-Oh.

-And - I'm not making this up - there's one outside Buckingham Palace, unsurprisingly.

0:36:080:36:12

And they have a green horse to say you can cross.

0:36:120:36:16

They've gone to the bother of changing it from the green man

0:36:160:36:19

to the green horse.

0:36:190:36:21

We have one.

0:36:210:36:22

-Why have they bothered with that?

-Oh, yeah.

0:36:240:36:26

Because if the green man comes up,

0:36:260:36:29

the horse is not going to look back and say, "I think this is you, isn't it?"

0:36:290:36:32

So, when you are crossing a zebra crossing,

0:36:360:36:40

what kind of gratitude do you show?

0:36:400:36:43

I'll always stop, look,

0:36:430:36:46

and then when they pull up,

0:36:460:36:48

I'll then look again, ask if they want a photo,

0:36:480:36:51

and then I'll bend...

0:36:510:36:54

I was hoping that you might do something like this to show your gratitude.

0:36:540:36:59

APPLAUSE

0:37:130:37:15

Ah!

0:37:310:37:32

One time!

0:37:320:37:34

And then the driver goes...

0:37:370:37:40

Oh, it's lovely, Rylan. I love that clip.

0:37:420:37:44

Oh...

0:37:440:37:46

Well, look, the truth is it doesn't matter what I think.

0:37:480:37:50

-It's your bonus choice, Rylan, and so it's going into Room 101.

-Yes!

0:37:500:37:53

And that brings us to the end of the show,

0:38:040:38:07

strong message here... Well done...

0:38:070:38:10

Well done, Rylan, you were the most persuasive guest,

0:38:100:38:13

so you are this week's winner.

0:38:130:38:15

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:150:38:18

So, thanks very much, Rylan Clark-Neal,

0:38:200:38:23

Catherine Tate and Nigel Havers.

0:38:230:38:25

And thank you, goodnight.

0:38:250:38:26

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:260:38:30

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