Episode 8 Room 101 - Extra Storage


Episode 8

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

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the show where three guests explain

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what really winds them up in the hope

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that I'll condemn said things to the grim environs of Room 101.

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They'll have to argue their case well,

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because in each round only one item can be chosen.

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The final decision is mine.

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Let's meet this week's guests.

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Joining me tonight are comedy gold, Diane Morgan,

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Olympic gold, Nicola Adams,

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and his agents promise me he'll be as good as gold, Frankie Boyle.

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So, let us begin.

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What is winding up Diane?

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APPLAUSE

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I think they're quite needy people.

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Generally.

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Whenever I watch them, I'm never entertained.

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That's quite a negative review.

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Isn't it? Really?

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Yeah! I love it.

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There was one... I went to a restaurant,

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there was one that was going between the tables, between courses,

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and showing you a card trick.

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And then he'd finish the card trick, and he'd wait,

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and you can't just go...

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You've got to go, "Ooh, that was good.

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"How did you do that?"

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So you feel like they're getting more out of this than you are.

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I think it starts with parents giving kids magic sets.

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Because if you give a kid a magic set, that's like a starter kit

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for a psychopath, isn't it? LAUGHTER

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I never had a magic kit, I must admit.

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Is it a common gift for children?

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For psychopaths, yeah. OK.

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It's so boring.

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It's like cups and balls, who cares?

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Pulling flags out of your sleeve.

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I just can't find any enthusiasm for it.

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And the Americans ones are even worse!

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With their black polo necks and their tigers.

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Yeah, I agree with that.

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I... Your sort of standard British magician,

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he could have existed anywhere between 1870 and 1970.

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There's a sort of timelessness.

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Yeah, there's an outfit that they wear, isn't there?

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Yeah, well, the cloak and all that.

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Well, the waistcoat and the, you know, downtrodden look.

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I quite like a cloak, if I'm going to be honest.

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How many of them wore cloaks?

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Are you confusing them with vampires?

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No! That's standard magician wear, isn't it, a cloak?

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They wear waistcoats, don't they, and, er, jackets?

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I think it varies. Oh!

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They definitely wear cloaks.

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I used to wear a cloak occasionally in the '70s.

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I was drinking a great deal.

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And I found it recently.

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You know, it still fit!

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You've still got your drinking cloak?!

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Yeah!

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But there's... Then there's these sort of sexy magicians.

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Oh, the American ones that do that?

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Yeah. So instead of the sparkly leotard,

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the women sort of dress like they might work in a dungeon.

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That's another thing, isn't it?

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The assistants don't get any of the glory.

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They're the ones who are just

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crouching in boxes for the entire act.

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Or being sawn in half? Or being sawn...

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Well, no, they're down the bottom of the...

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I don't want to ruin it for anyone.

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There's two bendy women,

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and one of them's crouched in the end of the box,

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that's how it's done.

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CROWD EXCLAIM

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Ah!

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They often marry those assistants as well, don't they?

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That says a lot about what they want from a woman.

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Someone who's prepared to crouch in a box for a few hours.

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And has a twin. Yeah. LAUGHTER

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Bendy. Yeah!

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We're all looking for bendy women, aren't we?

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I do like... You know the women in the sparkly leotards,

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it takes real confidence, I think,

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to think, "I'm going to finish this trick

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"and that woman is going to go..."

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You've got to really believe that it's going to work.

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I mean, can you imagine, Frankie, as a comic,

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say if I had a woman standing here,

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every punch line that I do, she goes...

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They'd be those terrible moments when I'd go into the joke,

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and she's ready.

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And then gets nothing from the audience and she has to go...

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It would be that thing as well when you start to lose her

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and you look over and she's just sitting there having a fag.

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Completely...

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I like it.

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I must say, when someone comes up to me and starts doing magic,

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I do get slightly thrilled by it.

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Even if someone disappears in front of me,

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I still feel dead inside.

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I don't know what it is.

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I think it's because I know deep down it's not really magic.

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See, I'm never completely certain about that.

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There's always the possibility for me that they could be magic.

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No?

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But surely, if you had magic powers,

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the last place you would choose to hide them

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would be in a magic act?

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Unless it's a double bluff.

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I'll tell you what I don't like, I don't like up-to-something hands.

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Do you know what I mean by that?

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Like, when magicians hold a card...

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So if there's a card here like this, instead of...

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You know, if I pick up a card, I do this with it.

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There's a card. With magicians, there's that sort of...

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And I think, "They're up to something."

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I immediately think they're up to something.

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Cos no-one ever went like that.

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Have you ever played cards with anyone when they've said,

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"Hold on, let me just look at my hand?"

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I, erm....

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The problem is it can be... It's sort of funny when it goes wrong.

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Like, one of my favourite clips ever

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is a Chinese man making himself disappear.

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I don't know if you're familiar with this.

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This... Well, this is a Chinese man making himself disappear.

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HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

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LAUGHTER

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Ah! Absolutely marvellous!

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I think magic's great when it's children.

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But when it's an actual... another guy going,

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"Oh, where's the ball gone?"

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You're just thinking, "We're both 40,

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"and you have hidden a ball from me."

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Do you mean children doing it, or...

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Yeah, children doing it.

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But I saw a kid do a funny joke on a magician,

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it's quite cruel.

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A magician at a kids' party was making a handkerchief disappear,

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and he blew on it and it disappeared.

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And the kid went, "Oh, does blowing on things

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"make them disappear, then?"

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And the magician goes, "Yeah." And the kid went...

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HE BLOWS

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Wow!

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I have a clip of some children.

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These are German children doing magic.

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I actually think this is brilliant.

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THEY SPEAK GERMAN

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Come on, Diane, that was entertainment!

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That wasn't magic, though.

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I think that they set that up.

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I think it is a magic trick.

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What? They set it up? I think so.

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He made the kid disappear.

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The thing is, if they didn't set it up,

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we're all laughing at a child being crushed by a bookcase.

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Are you familiar with the old rabbit out the hat?

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Yeah. OK.

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Get off! Get under.

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Hold on.

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Oh, once they get their claws into the lining...

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Oh, God.

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CROWD GROAN AND LAUGH

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So, what is winding up Frankie?

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CROWD CHEER

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Richard Branson, who...

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I can't believe I live in a society

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where I'm asked to admire this guy.

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A sort of sun-dried Bee Gee

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who probably only wants to travel into space

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so that he can find the rest of his own species.

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He's sort of held up as something for me to admire,

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because he self-identifies as a good person.

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He said he's an environmentalist and runs an airline.

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Saying that he's an environmentalist is like saying that Josef Stalin

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ran skiing holidays.

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People say, "Oh, you know, you're jealous of Richard Branson,

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"you're jealous of his money."

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If I had all his money, what I'd do with it is

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I'd use it to pull that island he lives on towards Syria.

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I'd get it as close as I could to Syria

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then I'd drop something heavy on it from space

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so it went up like a tiddly wink

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and he had to cling on to the surface of his own island

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and Kate Winslet or whoever was staying with him was like that,

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until he landed face-down on top of the screaming hordes of Islamic State.

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Yeah, I see what you mean.

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We've got a thing, we've got some photos of him.

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One of his things... As you'd imagine,

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as a billionaire, he's very good at picking up women,

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it's what you'd assume.

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He's one of the worst celebrities at picking up women.

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Here he is with Dita Von Teese.

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I accept that one.

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That's the sort of traditional fireman's lift.

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What about this one? This is Kate Moss.

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That's... That looks like somebody's stocktaking at Madame Tussauds.

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When he was 65, their website did 65 questions about Richard Branson,

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so you can learn more about him.

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I'll just give you a quick example.

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This is question 12.

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Now, I think, what this is,

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if you're getting up for work at 5.30am,

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it's an absolute sickener.

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But if you're getting up to be a billionaire...

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Get up early!

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You don't want to waste a day.

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Cos basically we're all the same when we're asleep.

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The minute you wake up, you're a billionaire.

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I think that's a great move.

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This is the next question.

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Who knew?

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I thought it was a pun on Doctor No, cos he lived on an island.

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Also, is life more interesting when you say yes?

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What about if the question is,

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"What band would you like to listen to for the next eight hours?"

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LAUGHTER

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And then this is the last example, this is question 55.

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Any ideas?

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It surprised me, it's this.

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Yeah, because his broadband doesn't work!

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Oh, marvellous.

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We've got a picture. This is of...

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Well, I'm not going to beat around the bush.

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This is a dog that looks like Richard Branson.

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Actually not bad.

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OK, so what's upsetting Nicola?

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Yeah.

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Is this something you do a lot?

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Yeah, well, it always seems to happen when I'm in a rush.

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And I'll be packing all my stuff, I'll be quickly going to the gym.

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And then I can't find my keys.

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And then it makes me late

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and it really annoys me because they're always in,

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like, a weird place.

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So you're sort of absent-minded?

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Have you had any blows to the head recently?

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It doesn't happen every time!

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It's just, like... It seems to happen when I'm in a rush. OK.

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They just appear. I've found them in the dog's bed.

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How they got there, I do not know.

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In the dog's bed?

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Yeah. What kind of dog is it?

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I've got a Doberman and a Pomeranian.

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I bet the Doberman had them.

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Yeah, the Doberman had the keys.

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That's why they call them a Pinscher!

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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Tough crowd. Tough crowd.

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It's amazing we still have keys, don't you think?

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You could have, like,

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voice recognition on your doors, couldn't you?

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I suppose a lot of drunks

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would freeze to death on their own front steps.

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That's going to happen anyway.

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Have you ever been in those hotels...

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I know most hotels, they've got the little card,

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but the ones with the proper keys where they have a key ring,

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an enormous key ring, so you can't possibly lose it.

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Have you ever had one of those?

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Yeah, but you know what you do with them?

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You always take the big part off

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so you can get it into your pocket and then...

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Do you? Yeah. You're really not supposed to do that.

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I've got one that I use, which is...

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It celebrates one of my favourite clips, it's...

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It's the magician running into the door key ring.

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And you just don't lose this.

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OK. So we've come to the end of that round, I...

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I'm worried about putting Richard Branson in,

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partly because...

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CROWD: Go on!

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I'm quite a fan of the Virgin train first-class section.

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I also love the bit when it crosses over the border in Scotland,

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because that's the moment I know I've got first class to myself.

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To hell with it! I'm putting Richard Branson into Room 101.

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Right.

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Moving on to Diane's next choice.

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Microwaves.

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Or microwave ovens.

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I just don't trust them.

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Never have.

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They cook food from the inside out.

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I don't know why.

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It's not natural, is it?

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It's a bizarre order of events.

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It uses gamma rays, I was reading about these.

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These use gamma rays, and I thought,

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"Where have I heard of gamma rays before?"

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And then I realised, it was the Hulk.

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The Incredible Hulk.

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Oh, yes?

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That must be why I don't like microwaves.

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It's one of the great inventions of the last 100 years, isn't it,

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the microwave? I think in ten years they'll be saying,

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"Oh, my God, I can't believe that people used to use microwave ovens."

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I think with kids, you've got to use them, though, haven't you?

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Because you've got to get some calories into these monsters.

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And you can't be going, "Well, you guys chop the parsley?

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"I'll get the mushrooms." You know, you've just got to slam some, like,

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pasta ready-meal into a microwave

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and then just scrape it into their faces.

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Before they go insane.

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But you could use a saucepan, it'll take 20 minutes.

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I've not got 20 minutes.

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I've got, like, two minutes, tops.

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At certain points, you need a microwave.

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Exactly, you can't get the slow cooker out for kids.

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"Just sit down, do some crayoning for eight hours.

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"And we'll all gather around."

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Nothing tastes better having come out of a microwave.

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I don't need it... I just want it to taste warmer.

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You can use a hair dryer for that.

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Funny you should say that. What about this as a method?

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This is how to heat a slice of pizza in a hotel room.

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Would you rather do that?

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I'd rather do that than a microwave.

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OK. What about these onion rings?

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That looks safe!

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See, I like the fact that with a microwave I can do my exercises

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and the ding goes off and then I can just get my food.

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I know the time's done.

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How long do your exercises take?

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I do, like, a two-minute thing, and I'll do my press-ups and my sit-ups,

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and I know I've done two minutes

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when the ding goes off and then I get my food.

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That is perfect. It's like a workout before my meal.

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See? Set a timer!

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But then you don't get food at the end of it.

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You don't get the motivation.

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You don't get radioactive food.

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Yeah, but if Nicola had a slow cooker,

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she'd be absolutely wrecked by the time her food was there.

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I st... With ordinary ovens, I stare a lot at food cooking.

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It's one of the great thrills of my life,

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is wa... Sausages,

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cos you...you know they've been pricked before you put them in -

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that was the only food preparation I knew

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for the first 25 years of my life,

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was that you had to do that to sausages.

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And when you watch them cook and you see the-the fat coming through that,

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I find that genuinely exciting.

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Do you do your sausages in the microwave?

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Usually not. Hm.

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When I was a kid, we used to eat raw sausages.

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Anyone else do that? Yeah!

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Yeah!

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Yeah, so we used to get 'em, and, like, squeeze them out of their skin, like...

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But-but why?

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You were too poor to afford fire?

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Our mum used to give us raw sausages to keep us going

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while she was cooking.

0:19:300:19:31

Raw meat?!

0:19:330:19:35

Yeah. It was like, you know when you get the stuff out of a toothpaste tube, you have to sort of...

0:19:350:19:40

It was like that, and the pink meat would come out like that...

0:19:400:19:45

Yeah. What did it taste like?

0:19:450:19:47

Tasted pretty much like raw sausage.

0:19:470:19:48

OK, so to Frankie.

0:19:500:19:53

Celebrity atheists. I am an atheist...

0:19:590:20:02

but I don't like celebrity atheists. I was a very bad Catholic.

0:20:020:20:05

Unless you include my attitude to condoms,

0:20:050:20:07

in which case, I was an amazing Catholic.

0:20:070:20:09

But I don't like the judgmental nature of celebrity atheists.

0:20:110:20:16

I think religions... Some religions have done good things.

0:20:160:20:19

The Quakers fought against the Vietnam War,

0:20:190:20:22

liberation theology in Central America.

0:20:220:20:24

Those people got killed standing up for poor people,

0:20:240:20:27

and what's the reward?

0:20:270:20:29

To be looked down on by Ricky Gervais.

0:20:290:20:31

LAUGHTER

0:20:310:20:32

I don't need Ricky Gervais to tell me that God doesn't exist

0:20:320:20:35

when I watched Derek get recommissioned twice.

0:20:350:20:37

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:370:20:39

I just sort of think,

0:20:440:20:45

you know, we all need something to get through.

0:20:450:20:48

And why stand in judgment on what other people need?

0:20:480:20:52

So Ricky Gervais, or Richard Dawkins, or whoever,

0:20:520:20:55

they need re-tweets, or whatever they need.

0:20:550:20:58

And other people need different things.

0:20:580:21:00

I think... I hope Dawkins, when he dies,

0:21:000:21:04

goes to the pearly gates

0:21:040:21:05

and instead of St Peter, it's a talking chimp

0:21:050:21:09

who goes, "You got it all wrong, mate."

0:21:090:21:11

I just feel the whole thing sort of...

0:21:130:21:15

The whole thing's a bit religious.

0:21:150:21:17

You know, so it's the idea of certainty, to me, is very religious.

0:21:170:21:21

The idea of judgment is very religious and it's blaming God.

0:21:210:21:24

It's blaming religion.

0:21:240:21:25

They go, "Oh, religion causes violence."

0:21:250:21:28

OK, some violence is caused by religion,

0:21:280:21:31

some violence is caused by lager.

0:21:310:21:34

Some violence is caused by people cheating at pool.

0:21:340:21:38

But at the moment when you go, "I'm blaming that on God,"

0:21:380:21:41

that's like you don't get any mayonnaise in your Chicken Zinger,

0:21:410:21:45

and you blame it on Colonel Sanders.

0:21:450:21:48

I can sense Nicola here thinking,

0:21:480:21:50

"What's wrong with violence all of a sudden?"

0:21:500:21:53

Well, this is a difficult one for me.

0:21:540:21:56

I am a practising Roman Catholic,

0:21:560:21:58

so I'm sort of against celebrity atheists for other reasons than you.

0:21:580:22:02

I mean, I don't mind anyone being an atheist -

0:22:020:22:04

that's sort of a little bit more elbow room in paradise for me.

0:22:040:22:09

But I think what's happened is being an atheist,

0:22:110:22:15

or a celebrity atheist, is incredibly cool.

0:22:150:22:18

And it's also sort of associated with science and all that,

0:22:180:22:21

so it's like that's all the intelligent people, you know,

0:22:210:22:25

like Stephen Fry and Dawkins, they're all atheists.

0:22:250:22:29

So it's like there's an elite gentlemen's club

0:22:290:22:32

with Dawkins and Stephen Fry sitting chatting.

0:22:320:22:36

And I'm in Julie's Pantry with Cliff Richard.

0:22:360:22:39

It's a bit like... you know when a toddler goes,

0:22:410:22:43

"Oh, I think I saw a fairy. Is that a fairy?"

0:22:430:22:45

And you go, "No, it's just a moth."

0:22:450:22:47

And then you tweet all day about how it's just a moth,

0:22:490:22:51

and you write a book about how it's just a moth.

0:22:510:22:54

It's like, nobody asked you people to do this.

0:22:540:22:57

Nobody asked Ricky Gervais to do this.

0:22:570:22:59

It's like one of those people,

0:22:590:23:00

you know those people who used to direct you

0:23:000:23:02

into a parking space without being asked?

0:23:020:23:05

Like, come on, mate! You've just taken this on yourself!

0:23:050:23:08

Here's a Stephen Fry quote which probably sums it all up.

0:23:080:23:13

He said...

0:23:130:23:14

Stephen Fry.

0:23:240:23:25

He certainly will.

0:23:260:23:28

LAUGHTER

0:23:290:23:31

OK, and so to Nicola.

0:23:330:23:35

This is exactly the reason.

0:23:440:23:46

What? Like, you can never look good.

0:23:460:23:48

I mean, you've got to wrap up.

0:23:480:23:50

It's cold.

0:23:500:23:51

It's always raining.

0:23:510:23:53

You know, it's not me. I'm a summer person.

0:23:530:23:57

Summer clothes.

0:23:570:23:58

It's hard to look good in winter.

0:23:580:24:01

I suspect the reason for this is, if you don't mind me saying,

0:24:010:24:05

that you're in great shape.

0:24:050:24:07

And you don't want to hide that away. Is that right? Exactly.

0:24:070:24:10

Yeah. OK.

0:24:100:24:12

I mean, I understand that.

0:24:120:24:13

We have a picture of you in your...

0:24:130:24:16

AUDIENCE WHOOP

0:24:160:24:17

Well, exactly. I used to have quite a flat stomach.

0:24:170:24:21

In the '90s.

0:24:210:24:22

And every picture of me that was taken, I used to get it out.

0:24:220:24:25

I was so pleased.

0:24:250:24:26

This is just a standard paparazzi shot.

0:24:260:24:29

And as soon as... Look.

0:24:290:24:32

I was so happy with that.

0:24:320:24:35

But now I look forward to it.

0:24:350:24:38

You can take it down now.

0:24:380:24:40

I look forward to winter now at my age.

0:24:400:24:43

The more multilayers, the better.

0:24:430:24:46

I think boxers are famous for their style, for their fashion.

0:24:470:24:52

So we've got a few to look at.

0:24:520:24:54

That's Mike Tyson.

0:24:540:24:55

That looks like he's leaned on something and people...

0:24:570:25:01

Yeah! It just shows you how little people can tell him the truth.

0:25:010:25:05

LAUGHTER

0:25:050:25:07

"Is this a nice jacket?" "Sure, Mike."

0:25:070:25:10

And this is...this is Chris Eubank.

0:25:100:25:14

That's pretty cool.

0:25:140:25:15

No? No. You don't like that?

0:25:150:25:17

Why is he wearing the monocle thing?

0:25:170:25:19

Like, what's that about?

0:25:190:25:20

Because I think it's fair to say he's slightly eccentric.

0:25:200:25:23

Have you met Chris Eubank?

0:25:250:25:26

Yeah. How was it?

0:25:260:25:28

How did it go? It was an experience.

0:25:280:25:30

I met Chris Eubank at a film premiere.

0:25:310:25:35

Did he shake your hand?

0:25:350:25:37

Yes. Did he squeeze it really, really hard?

0:25:370:25:39

No. No, he probably wouldn't with you.

0:25:390:25:41

I think with men, he really, really squeezes your hand,

0:25:410:25:45

very, very tight indeed, just to prove he's...

0:25:450:25:48

See, I'm funny with handshakes,

0:25:480:25:50

I don't like when people squeeze my hand really tight.

0:25:500:25:52

No. I didn't like it.

0:25:520:25:53

It's your tools, isn't it?

0:25:530:25:55

I saw him shake hands with Jeff Goldblum -

0:25:550:25:57

you know Jeff Goldblum, the actor? Yeah.

0:25:570:25:59

And he really squeezed it and Jeff Goldblum was doing...

0:25:590:26:02

And you know Jeff Goldblum speaks in a slightly...

0:26:020:26:05

And he's going,

0:26:050:26:06

AS JEFF GOLDBLUM: "That is... um...hurting me."

0:26:060:26:09

OK, so at the end of that round...

0:26:110:26:15

Microwaves, I'm completely dependent on.

0:26:150:26:18

I've almost abandoned all other forms of cooking.

0:26:180:26:21

I don't mind going blind in one eye if I get a meat pie in two minutes.

0:26:210:26:25

Well, you know what, I can talk about winter clothes for ever,

0:26:280:26:32

but I'm still putting celebrity atheists into Room 101.

0:26:320:26:36

Right.

0:26:480:26:49

What is Diane's choice?

0:26:490:26:52

CHEERING

0:26:550:26:58

BOO

0:26:580:27:00

Who booed then?!

0:27:000:27:03

Who can possibly like M's World?

0:27:030:27:06

If I was Mayor of London, I'd get a bulldozer

0:27:060:27:10

and I'd go straight through it.

0:27:100:27:12

Perhaps you should explain what it is for those who don't live in...

0:27:120:27:15

Yeah. It's a superstore that basically just sells M's.

0:27:150:27:18

And people go in there, tourists go in there, God knows why.

0:27:220:27:26

It's just blatant commercialism.

0:27:260:27:29

I-I can't... Well, it's a shop.

0:27:290:27:32

It's a shop, but it's sold as, like, Charlie's chocolate factory or something.

0:27:320:27:37

It's got nothing in it apart from M's!

0:27:370:27:40

It's M's World!

0:27:400:27:42

I know, but I refuse to go. I've never been in.

0:27:420:27:45

I refuse to go in, but I know people that've been in

0:27:450:27:48

and they all say it's appalling.

0:27:480:27:50

I mean, most tourist attractions are pretty shit, aren't they?

0:27:530:27:58

But M's World...

0:27:580:28:02

makes the Keswick Pencil Museum look like Disneyland, Florida.

0:28:020:28:07

Isn't everything in it themed round M's?

0:28:090:28:12

So you can get a leather jacket and it's got a kind of like Elvis

0:28:120:28:15

on the back, but Elvis is like an M?

0:28:150:28:18

I was in there, and there's like a big kind of painting on one of the walls, it's King Henry VIII,

0:28:180:28:23

but King Henry VIII is an M

0:28:230:28:25

Someone was standing in front of it getting their photo taken,

0:28:250:28:29

I was just thinking, "We are doomed."

0:28:290:28:32

There's no way humanity's going to survive. There's no reason that King Henry VIII would be an M

0:28:320:28:36

What's that mean?

0:28:360:28:38

This is an example of what you see wandering about in M World.

0:28:380:28:44

Yeah. It's an M, and it's...

0:28:460:28:49

I mean, I think a lot of the people

0:28:490:28:51

who go in there can identify with this as a body shape.

0:28:510:28:54

But what they've done, they've made M's into little creatures,

0:28:570:29:01

and I think the children are drawn in, they're walking round the displays...

0:29:010:29:05

Children are idiots, though. They don't know what they're doing.

0:29:050:29:08

It means that any company that had a familiar figure associated with it,

0:29:080:29:14

I think could pull this off.

0:29:140:29:16

so Liquorice Allsorts, for example,

0:29:160:29:18

have got Bertie Bassett.

0:29:180:29:20

There is no reason why there couldn't be a Liquorice Allsorts World.

0:29:200:29:24

He's got everything, Bertie Bassett. There's even the walking stick,

0:29:240:29:28

so a sort of role model for the disabled...

0:29:280:29:32

..although I once mentioned that on the radio and someone pointed out

0:29:340:29:38

that it's not a functional walking stick

0:29:380:29:41

because it's not long enough to support a creature of that height,

0:29:410:29:46

which I liked.

0:29:460:29:48

I think maybe he lost a foot to diabetes and then lost all his other body parts as well.

0:29:480:29:53

Are you aware of the fact, Diane, that at M World, they...

0:29:570:30:01

you can get personalised M's?

0:30:010:30:04

Yeah, I am aware of that.

0:30:040:30:06

Do you have any?

0:30:060:30:07

No. I do.

0:30:070:30:09

What I did, as a bit of a treat,

0:30:100:30:12

is I had some Diane Morgan M's made...

0:30:120:30:18

and I think they're quite good. Look at that.

0:30:180:30:21

All right.

0:30:300:30:32

Tastes a little bit more northern than usual.

0:30:350:30:39

There's a whole bowl there for you to share amongst your friends.

0:30:390:30:42

Oh, great.

0:30:420:30:43

OK, and so to Nicola.

0:30:470:30:50

It's just... It's just one of those annoying things.

0:31:000:31:03

It just feels like I've only been asleep for, like, five minutes

0:31:030:31:07

and then my alarm goes off

0:31:070:31:08

and it's just the worst... it's the worst feeling ever.

0:31:080:31:13

If this was your alarm clock, Nicola,

0:31:130:31:15

and it went off in the morning like this...

0:31:150:31:18

BELL LIKE IN A BOXING RING

0:31:180:31:20

..would you wake up actually...

0:31:230:31:26

I don't know. You're probably right!

0:31:260:31:29

Ready to fight! Yeah!

0:31:290:31:31

I love the idea of that.

0:31:310:31:32

I'd love to... I was going to say I'd love to try it,

0:31:320:31:35

but that's got all sorts of connotations.

0:31:350:31:37

I'd have to come to your house, be in your bedroom...

0:31:370:31:40

My son is four, and he's got one of those baby monitor things,

0:31:400:31:45

and in the mornings, he gets really close to the baby monitor in his room, and he goes,

0:31:450:31:51

"Cock a doodle doo!"

0:31:510:31:54

Which is how I imagine in prison...

0:31:570:32:00

that's how sort of...the henchman of Mr Big would wake you up in the morning, to intimidate you!

0:32:000:32:07

It's really... Very, very shocking.

0:32:070:32:10

How much sleep do you think you need?

0:32:110:32:14

Oh, at least, like, nine hours.

0:32:140:32:16

OK.

0:32:160:32:17

I'm going to ask you a question

0:32:170:32:19

and I'll give you two hours either way.

0:32:190:32:21

In a day, how long do you think on average a tiger sleeps?

0:32:210:32:29

Five hours?

0:32:290:32:31

15.8 hours,

0:32:310:32:34

a tiger sleeps on average a day.

0:32:340:32:37

What a waste of a life!

0:32:370:32:40

They've not got that much to do, though, have they?

0:32:400:32:43

I'm going to write a book about it called The Shuteye Of The Tiger.

0:32:430:32:48

What about the giraffe?

0:32:510:32:52

On average, they sleep 1.9 hours a day, the giraffe.

0:32:520:32:57

Which is a horrible image, of the giraffe, like, in pitch darkness...

0:32:570:33:02

Isn't it? It's a sad, sad image.

0:33:100:33:13

Tossing and turning... I don't know if they even lie down, giraffes.

0:33:130:33:17

Be very hard to get back up.

0:33:170:33:19

I imagine they maybe hook their heads in the sort of fork of a branch.

0:33:190:33:25

This is why the BBC needs David Attenborough, really,

0:33:290:33:33

cos I think we've given a very inaccurate picture

0:33:330:33:36

of the life of giraffes.

0:33:360:33:39

These numbers are spot on. 1.9 hours a day.

0:33:390:33:42

Imagine how much you'd get done!

0:33:420:33:44

OK, and so to Frankie.

0:33:450:33:48

I just feel life is hugely overrated.

0:33:590:34:02

I know... Actually, it's always quite weird Scotland

0:34:030:34:06

comes top of these "how happy are you with your life?" studies.

0:34:060:34:10

And I think that's because

0:34:100:34:12

researchers don't really understand sarcasm.

0:34:120:34:16

But I think, do you ever just open your eyes in the morning and go,

0:34:160:34:22

"Not this again."

0:34:220:34:24

If someone said to you,

0:34:240:34:26

"Oh, we'll go and see a movie that was, like, the day of your life,"

0:34:260:34:29

you know, it's going to be 16 hours long,

0:34:290:34:31

nothing really happens,

0:34:310:34:32

and in the middle the main character has to go for a poo...

0:34:320:34:35

LAUGHTER

0:34:350:34:37

..you probably wouldn't go.

0:34:370:34:39

It peaks early.

0:34:390:34:40

Life peaks at about 12, maybe,

0:34:400:34:43

and then it just starts to get worse and worse, and I'm now, like, 44.

0:34:430:34:47

I've got a body like a dropped lasagne.

0:34:470:34:50

Women look at my naked body

0:34:510:34:53

in the same fearful way that pensioners look at snow.

0:34:530:34:57

And we've all just got to kind of... we've got to make it through.

0:35:000:35:04

Having had the high points of life already, you know,

0:35:040:35:07

by the time you reach a certain age, you've heard your favourite song,

0:35:070:35:10

you've met the person you love the most, there's nobody who's 65 sitting about going,

0:35:100:35:15

"Oh, that Angry Birds movie is the film I've waited all my life for."

0:35:150:35:18

And there's almost no consolation.

0:35:200:35:22

So we're supposed to say, "Oh, you know, life's about love,

0:35:220:35:26

"loving people and being loved in return,"

0:35:260:35:28

and I think, really,

0:35:280:35:30

we're in relationships because we don't want to die alone.

0:35:300:35:33

Which is why I've always planned

0:35:330:35:35

on taking quite a lot of people with me.

0:35:350:35:37

You know, if someone gave you a drug that was love,

0:35:390:35:42

and warned you what the withdrawal was going to be like,

0:35:420:35:45

you wouldn't take it.

0:35:450:35:46

If someone said, "Take this, it's amazing,

0:35:460:35:48

"but afterwards you're going to feel like you're having

0:35:480:35:51

"open heart surgery performed by a swarm of wasps..."

0:35:510:35:53

LAUGHTER

0:35:530:35:55

..you wouldn't do it.

0:35:550:35:57

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:35:580:36:00

You see, Nicola, you don't get this on A Question Of Sport.

0:36:070:36:10

I mean, we're having a lovely time, aren't we?

0:36:120:36:16

Professional comedians and all that.

0:36:160:36:18

This is sort of just a distraction for it, isn't it?

0:36:180:36:21

For people. What is? Life?

0:36:210:36:24

No, this show, you know.

0:36:240:36:25

Maybe it's just me, but I...

0:36:280:36:31

I'm quite chirpy about it all.

0:36:330:36:36

Like, for example, here's a thing. I'm right-handed.

0:36:360:36:40

And so cutting the nails on my right hand, with my left hand,

0:36:400:36:45

I find quite tricky.

0:36:450:36:47

So what I do, I do that hand first,

0:36:470:36:51

and then I've got the easy bit to look forward to.

0:36:510:36:54

And I think that's how you have to construct life.

0:36:570:37:00

So you're always... Deferred gratification,

0:37:000:37:03

you're always looking forward to the next peak.

0:37:030:37:05

That was like Buddha.

0:37:050:37:07

Thanks very much.

0:37:090:37:11

But, I mean, it's probably better than death? Is it?

0:37:110:37:14

Oh, a lot better.

0:37:140:37:16

To be honest, I was just having a hard week

0:37:160:37:18

when they asked me to choose the thing.

0:37:180:37:20

For some people, I think you'd agree,

0:37:240:37:27

life seems... Everything seems to go perfectly for them.

0:37:270:37:30

Wouldn't you say? You know those sort of people.

0:37:300:37:32

You take this crowd surfer.

0:37:320:37:35

I know what you're thinking, it might well be full of urine.

0:37:460:37:50

OK, so, I don't think I'm going to put life itself

0:37:510:37:57

into Room 101.

0:37:570:37:59

I mean, that has enormous implications for the rest of the series.

0:37:590:38:02

But you're right - getting woken up is horrible,

0:38:030:38:06

and I think, you know,

0:38:060:38:07

people should respect a double gold medal winner

0:38:070:38:10

and just let her sleep, build her muscles up.

0:38:100:38:13

I'm going to put getting woken up into Room 101.

0:38:130:38:16

And that brings us to the end of the show.

0:38:270:38:29

Well done, Frankie, you were the most persuasive guest,

0:38:290:38:31

so you are this week's winner.

0:38:310:38:33

APPLAUSE

0:38:330:38:35

Thanks very much, Frankie Boyle, Diane Morgan and Nicola Adams.

0:38:390:38:44

And thank you, good night.

0:38:440:38:46

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