Episode 7 Room 101 - Extra Storage


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Episode 7

Rob Delaney, Davina McCall and Laurence Fox compete to have their pet hates consigned to Room 101. Topics include ordering starters, 12-string guitars and cyclists in lycra.


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello! I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

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the show where three guests compete to have their biggest bugbears

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banished forever to the dreaded vaults.

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They'll have to argue their case well, because in each round

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only one item can be chosen.

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The final decision is mine. Let's meet this week's guests.

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Joining me tonight are acting dynasty Laurence Fox,

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acting suspiciously Rob Delaney,

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and acting like she's actually concerned

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when someone breaks their leg on The Jump, Davina McCall.

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LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

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Right then, let's get ready to grumble.

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It is the first round,

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and I want to find out what is winding up Davina McCall.

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Women who tell other women about their terrible births.

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I'm already annoyed. Yeah?

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Because, honestly, when I was pregnant,

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and especially with my first child,

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and I didn't know about this condition that happens,

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that other woman have the need to tell you -

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but when I was obviously pregnant,

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and it wouldn't necessarily even just be friends of mine,

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it could be complete strangers in a supermarket, out on the streets.

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They'd come up and go, "Oh, you're pregnant.

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"Can I... Lovely, oh! So sweet. When are you due?"

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"About four weeks." "Amazing. I had a TERRIBLE birth.

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"It was terrible!

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"I split from here to here!" LAUGHTER

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"And my waters broke in Sainsbury's,

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"and everybody saw and then they had forceps and..."

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Oh, man. I just think, "Look, I've had my babies,

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"the shop's shut, I'm not going to have any more.

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"I'm over. Tell me, tell me now.

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"I'm ready, don't tell the pregnant ladies.

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"I'll listen. You know, I've got a good ear for that."

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I think it's like getting drunk, though,

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you can't remember how bad the hangover was.

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My partner said to me, "No matter how much pain I'm in,

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"and how much I beg for it, do not let me have an epidural,

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"under any circumstances.' What did you do?

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She said, "If I'm screaming at you, 'I want an epidural,'

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"I need you to say no, because I don't want..."

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And I said, "OK." She said, "You promise me? I said, "I promise."

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So we got there, she was in labour, in quite a bit of pain,

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and she said to me, "I want an epidural now!"

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And the thought of saying...

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LAUGHTER

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"If you think back...

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"..I think we agreed."

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The thought of that never crossed my mind for one second.

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I mean, I've got to say, you know, even though it is painful,

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it is an incredible experience,

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and I actually feel quite sorry for men,

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that they don't get to experience this amazing thing

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of giving birth to a human life. It's incredible.

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You're all right. LAUGHTER

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Plus, you can't tell a pregnant woman, like, you know,

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what you're putting on top of a pizza as you're preparing it

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without them murdering you.

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Yes. They're insane. Yes!

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Exactly. So why tell a pregnant woman anything bad at all?

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Yeah, exactly.

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Everything's bad and emotional and difficult and scary and...

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Yeah. Yeah. Well, I had that...

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Not everyone is blessed with this,

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but I have actually had that, sort of,

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3am drive to the hospital,

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which is very exciting.

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The waters had already gone.

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I was a bit edgy about the upholstery.

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We had a towel. And she was, er...

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honestly, in the passenger seat going...

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HE STRAINS

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And so I'm driving like this. It's like a movie.

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And she's going to me, "You should've gone left!

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"You should've gone left, you idiot!"

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I thought, "This is like the worst sat nav..."

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"..of all time!"

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I was sent back to go, we went down to get the baby checked out,

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he was the wrong way round, and they were like,

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"We've got to get the baby out by emergency Caesarean now.

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"Go, and we'll do it in 20 minutes."

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And I was like, "But we don't have any of the stuff!"

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And I went home with my eldest son, got home,

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and said, "You wait in the car. I'll go inside and get stuff."

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And he didn't wait in the car.

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He went out into the garden, picked up a brick, threw it in the air...

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Oh, my God. ..and it landed on his head.

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LAUGHTER

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So I run outside to go, "Let's get back in the car.

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"What happened to your face?"

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And he's just covered in blood.

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The second child was given birth to in one building,

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and I was getting the other one stitched up in A!

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LAUGHTER

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But respect to him for getting attention on...

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LAUGHTER Yes!

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Our guy who did the Caesarean,

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I was like, the baby came out and nothing happened,

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and I was going, "What's happening, what are you doing?"

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He goes, "It's not very often you get to have a look inside ,

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so I'm just checking out everything's fine."

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So I was like... LAUGHTER

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That belongs inside!

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Put all of that back in there.

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Bet it was great getting to wear scrubs.

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I'll never wear scrubs.

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They don't normally let you in on operations, apparently.

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Did your wife have any C sections?

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Er, no, they all came out the front door, I guess.

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LAUGHTER Lovely.

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LAUGHTER

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Yeah. I hope there was somebody with them, they haven't just gone off...

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LAUGHTER

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Of course, one can make light of the whole pregnancy thing.

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This couple have sort of tried a basketball theme.

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Look!

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Oh, no!

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No. No?

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No. I like it better than the couple who did the baseball themed one.

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Oh!

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No!

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Oh, God!

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I don't think they're together.

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That's from my country.

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That's where I'm from!

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LAUGHTER

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Anyway... what's winding up Rob Delaney?

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Why?

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Because it's not real.

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I mean...

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It's a thing, I know it exists, but it...

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The world is such a filthy, suppurating toilet

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that there's nothing you can do,

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and you don't need to be marketed some crazy thing

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that they invented 20 minutes ago when soap and water does a fine job.

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So, basically,

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the fact that they're trying to make us buy it, carry it around...

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You can put it on your belt loop now.

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..just enrages me, really.

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I have three little kids, a five-year-old, three-year-old,

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and a one-year-old, so I live in filth.

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LAUGHTER

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I don't get any sicker than the next guy.

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My wife is a teacher, so she's around other scummy children.

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LAUGHTER And it's just...

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It's just silly.

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Yes, germs exist, but...

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I was talking to a doctor friend of mine recently.

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Usually, when we get sick,

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it's cos of just stuff that's inside our own bodies

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that decides to present itself.

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What, are you going to drink the hand sanitiser?

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So...I say no.

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I'm not saying no to hygiene.

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I'm saying no to the unnecessary, very recent invention

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of like, "Soap II".

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Or whatever.

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It's so silly.

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APPLAUSE

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Apparently your average hand sanitiser is 65% alcohol,

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which is three times more than vodka.

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Now, I'm a recovering alcoholic,

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it would be safer for me to have human excrement on my hands.

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LAUGHTER

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And that is certainly the path I've chosen.

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But, also, you know, you get...

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..more healthy the more dirty you let kids be.

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They're all saying nowadays that the reason kids get sick all the time

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is because we're all so clean. We're too clean.

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I mean, the first time we get on the tube with my kids,

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you know, I make them lick a pole.

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LAUGHTER

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So that we don't have to go get jabs.

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What about in hospital?

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What about when you have to go into a hospital ward,

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and they have the hand sanitiser outside the hospital?

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That's fine. When the NHS says, use this, OK, then it's a good idea,

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but when it's your friend Rick

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being like, "Eurgh, I touched a doorknob",

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shut up! LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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I think people are so...

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Like, the handshake, now, has become quite a dangerous manoeuvre.

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You shake hands with someone and then it's like you're carrying

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a radioactive isotope.

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The rest of the day you think what am I going to do with this hand?

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What did they... Didn't they invent a new handshake

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when the Ebola crisis broke out in West Africa,

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they didn't do a handshake, they did something else,

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and now it's kept on.

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They prefer doing that than... Some people do that.

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It's something else, I don't know what it is,

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but they were encouraged not to shake hands, obviously,

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but then they invented a new one and it worked,

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and they kept going with it.

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Now no-one shakes hands in West Africa! Oh, that's amazing.

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I'm not sure I'm completely accurate about that...

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LAUGHTER

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Well, this, I mean,

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I think this picture shows that people can be genuinely scared

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of being touched like that.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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To be fair, she was just sheltering under his hair.

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LAUGHTER

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When I got to about 17,

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I had my first suit,

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and I found that when I wore a suit and tie,

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people responded very differently to me.

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I find the same thing when I wear rubber gloves.

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I find people are...

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LAUGHTER

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..uneasy about people in rubber gloves in public places.

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And I don't think that's really an option.

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One thing I tried was, do you remember these...thimbles?

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You used to see them in post offices for money counting.

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So these are very...

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If you wear one of these,

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very good for, like, pelican crossing buttons.

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Doorbells. And, also, I get asked to start

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a lot of elaborate domino effect demonstrations.

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LAUGHTER

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And you never know who's been pushing those dominoes.

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So I would, I'd recommend these.

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I'm a Catholic, so this is it for me.

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But...

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they are ribbed for extra stimulation.

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I have a special method for urinals,

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because I am quite sensitive about cleanliness.

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And I used to live with a laboratory scientist,

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and this is what they recommended.

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And I have to say,

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it does work.

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It's cumbersome,

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but it gives you real confidence.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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You've got to warm the gloves up a bit.

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But I find myself standing at the urinal like this, you know.

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It's a good thing.

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AUDIENCE MEMBER: How much is it?

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800 quid, that cost.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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OK. So what's winding up Laurence?

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BOOING AND APPLAUSE Cats!

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Yeah. And I really don't mind offending

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half of the population of this country. I hate cats.

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My first memory in life is my grandmother saying to me,

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"Don't go near the cat."

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My second memory in life

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is the blood gushing out of my mouth.

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I don't like them.

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I think they all look at us like they rule the world.

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I'm scared of them.

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I hate them.

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LAUGHTER

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The last time I saw a cat, I have a scar,

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and it was eight months ago, the last cat I stroked.

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I hate them. Hate them!

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I like dogs. Dogs listen.

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Dogs are your friend. Dogs look at you and go,

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"Hey, man, I missed you when you were at work."

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Cats wouldn't do that.

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Horrible things.

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Can I say that cats rarely tear human beings to pieces,

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which is one of the dog's minus points.

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I would say. What, a dog...?

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A dog will attack a human.

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No, dogs just get bad press.

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That's just, you know, if cats were bigger, they'd kill.

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Would you go and have a lie down with a tiger?

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I think tigers have proved that. LAUGHTER

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What do they do that's good?

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Dogs can walk people around when you're blind,

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dogs can, you know, my dogs, I use as burglar alarms.

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Because they're cheaper.

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What do cats do? You're right, though,

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a guide cat for the blind would be rubbish.

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Guide cat!

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There'd be some bloke being dragged across gardens and over fences.

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Firemen having to get a blind person out of a tree.

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This is a cat that...

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..obviously had some sort of ill fortune previously.

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LAUGHTER

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I think there'll be goldfish watching this show thinking,

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"But cats always look like that."

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Do you know the thing that cats are scared of cucumbers?

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Are they?

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Goes home, buys cucumber.

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Yeah, they are.

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That is an internet theory,

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that they are scared of cucumbers.

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In what way? How?

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I'll give you an example.

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This is Are Cats Scared Of Cucumbers?

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This is the evidence.

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LAUGHTER

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Case closed. Oh, my God!

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So we come to the end of that round.

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I certainly am not keen on people

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telling their terrible birth stories,

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but I do think that that is an urge.

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I mean, this is why we watch One Born Every Minute.

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It's one that must be suppressed. Yes.

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Hand sanitiser I have used.

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I would be a hypocrite, I think, to put it in.

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I haven't quite got over the idea

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that you can wash your hands without a tap.

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It just seems like magic to me.

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Cats, however, are horrible.

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I'm putting them into Room 101. Yeah!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CAT SNARLS

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Well done. Well done. Bravo.

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Onto the next round, and it's Davina's turn to have a whinge.

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People who order starters.

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APPLAUSE Thank you.

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Yes!

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There's some grumbling, there's some grumbling going on,

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I knew it could possibly be controversial.

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But... You can spot the people who definitely do.

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My thing is that...

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..firstly, if you go out for dinner,

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portions are so massive

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you don't really need a starter and a main course,

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and if somebody is eating with me,

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I will not order a starter.

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I will just have a main course,

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and then they go, "Are you having a starter?"

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And I go... This is actually my husband.

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..and I go, "No, I'm not going to have a starter.

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"So you're not going to have a starter, are you?"

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And he'll go, "I'm just going to have...

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"I think I am, actually. I'm going to have this little starter here.

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"This one." And I go, "Please don't have a starter, because literally,

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"I will eat your arm in a minute if I don't get some food.

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"And they're not going to bring out the main course,

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"they're not going to be cooking it until you've finished your starter."

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And he's like, "No, no, they will be.

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"They'll be cooking it while I'm eating."

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I say, "No, you've never worked in a restaurant.

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"I worked in a restaurant for two years.

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"They're waiting to clear the table before they start the starter."

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And by the time he's finished his starter

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I've demolished the breadbasket, I hate myself.

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I hate myself, and I'm no longer hungry.

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So people who order starters are going in Room 101, right now.

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Hear, hear. Thank you, Laurence.

0:17:230:17:25

It would be a less popular show if we did it like that.

0:17:250:17:28

I have do confess to forcing someone to, saying to the waiter,

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"Can you bring them both at the same time, please?

0:17:350:17:37

"Bring them both at the same time, please." That's what I do!

0:17:370:17:40

"No, do have a starter, do have a starter,

0:17:400:17:41

"we'd like them both at the same time,

0:17:410:17:43

"everything at the same time, now, please. Thank you, please.

0:17:430:17:45

"Very, very hungry." I do that! "Please bring it now."

0:17:450:17:48

And that brings out the worst in me.

0:17:480:17:50

The hanger! The hanger!

0:17:500:17:52

When you've got the hanger, don't mess with me.

0:17:520:17:56

Bread kills it. And chips kill it as well.

0:17:560:17:58

Because then, also, your kids, I've been on holiday with the kids,

0:17:580:18:02

and they only eat bread and chips, and then you wonder,

0:18:020:18:05

when was the last time the kids went to the toilet?

0:18:050:18:07

It was Monday, wasn't it?

0:18:110:18:13

It was Monday.

0:18:130:18:14

What I don't like about my fellow contestants

0:18:140:18:17

is that if you added the two of them together

0:18:170:18:19

they'd weigh a little less than me.

0:18:190:18:21

Because I'm good at eating.

0:18:240:18:26

I want the starter. I want the main.

0:18:260:18:28

I want a side or two, then I want a dessert.

0:18:280:18:30

Then I'll finish before you cos I eat like a hoover,

0:18:300:18:33

and then I'm going to get mad at you if you continue to eat your food

0:18:330:18:36

without offering it to me.

0:18:360:18:37

That's where I'm at.

0:18:390:18:40

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:18:400:18:43

I think I agree with you, but I always order a starter.

0:18:460:18:50

Do you? Because I'm a little bit frightened of waiters.

0:18:500:18:53

And I find if a waiter, if I order a main course,

0:18:550:18:59

say, "I'll have the chilli con carne, please."

0:18:590:19:02

And he'll say, "Do you want a starter?"

0:19:020:19:05

And I'll go, "No, I won't have a starter."

0:19:050:19:07

And they go... Oh, they do!

0:19:070:19:08

"Oh!" They do!

0:19:080:19:10

I can't cope with that.

0:19:100:19:11

I don't know if they're on commission or what?

0:19:110:19:14

They have to shift the prawn cocktail.

0:19:140:19:16

Exactly.

0:19:160:19:18

I do get very intimidated, I think, still, in posh restaurants.

0:19:180:19:22

The first time I ever went to a posh restaurant

0:19:220:19:24

was a place called Christopher's in Covent Garden.

0:19:240:19:27

I ordered steak tartare and said, "Could I have it well done?"

0:19:290:19:32

LAUGHTER

0:19:320:19:33

And those of you who didn't get that, that's where I was.

0:19:360:19:39

I had no idea.

0:19:410:19:42

And people, they didn't just laugh on my table,

0:19:420:19:45

people on other tables were laughing.

0:19:450:19:47

If I'm out at a restaurant with my wife

0:19:480:19:50

and I'm getting the sense that maybe we might want to retire... Uh-huh.

0:19:500:19:54

see what happens, when we get home at night,

0:19:540:19:56

I can eat like a crisp and then that's it,

0:19:560:19:59

because if I have a full meal

0:19:590:20:01

and then she like goes to kiss I'm like get away from me!

0:20:010:20:04

I can't engage in any kind of sexual activity

0:20:040:20:07

if I have had more than like 15 calories because I just go,

0:20:070:20:10

I immediately fall asleep on top of her, end of story.

0:20:100:20:13

LAUGHTER

0:20:130:20:15

If I think that there may be sexual activity

0:20:150:20:17

I can have like a couple granules of sugar,

0:20:170:20:19

and maybe lick a mint and then that's it.

0:20:190:20:21

I went to an old people's restaurant.

0:20:230:20:27

Everything was themed old people's,

0:20:270:20:29

everything was liquidised, and there was lots of cake.

0:20:290:20:32

It was called NanGoes.

0:20:340:20:35

APPLAUSE

0:20:370:20:39

OK, and, so, what's upsetting Rob?

0:20:440:20:47

That's a good pet hate, I must say.

0:20:550:20:58

What have you got against them, Rob?

0:20:580:21:00

Because I think...

0:21:000:21:02

I listen to guitar music all day, every day,

0:21:020:21:05

and everybody loves a guitar, but I think six strings is usually enough.

0:21:050:21:11

Whenever it's 12 strings,

0:21:110:21:13

it's only for singing about fairies and a county fair and a maiden,

0:21:130:21:19

ad you're accompanied by bells.

0:21:190:21:21

I think, not that they shouldn't exist,

0:21:210:21:23

but if you're going to use one

0:21:230:21:25

I think you should have to apply for a special licence,

0:21:250:21:29

because whenever I see somebody playing one, you know

0:21:290:21:32

"Who do you think you are, you minstrel?"

0:21:320:21:34

It's just...

0:21:340:21:36

Why do you need...

0:21:360:21:37

Justify your use of those extra...

0:21:370:21:40

..six, silly little dingly, dangly... No.

0:21:410:21:45

So, they make me angry.

0:21:450:21:47

I can see the studio audience shares my anger.

0:21:490:21:52

LAUGHTER

0:21:520:21:54

I mean, if you're Jimmy Page,

0:21:540:21:56

singing a Led Zeppelin song about hobbits,

0:21:560:21:59

you need 12 strings.

0:21:590:22:01

But if you're my roommate, you don't need...

0:22:010:22:03

You don't need any strings, go away.

0:22:030:22:06

There'll be people are watching this who aren't really aware of

0:22:060:22:09

..of the 12 string guitar, I have one with me.

0:22:100:22:14

So this is a 12 string guitar, and it does sound...

0:22:140:22:17

Oh, my God, he's going to play for us. I'm not going to play anything,

0:22:170:22:20

because I think there is far too many strings.

0:22:200:22:24

Oh, he agrees.

0:22:250:22:27

Just...

0:22:270:22:28

STRUMS GUITAR

0:22:280:22:30

NASALLY: # Well, I was wandering... #

0:22:320:22:34

LAUGHTER

0:22:340:22:35

What? You can't...

0:22:360:22:38

There's that lovely sort of a...

0:22:380:22:40

They have that lovely tuning, the Nashville tuning,

0:22:410:22:44

using all the high strings of the 12 string,

0:22:440:22:46

they put it on a six string.

0:22:460:22:48

So you can play a six string with the high 12 string strings

0:22:480:22:51

and it sounds gorgeous with...

0:22:510:22:53

I don't know what you're talking about. No.

0:22:530:22:55

Can you play each individual string individually,

0:22:560:22:59

or do you play two at a time?

0:22:590:23:01

Well, you can, you can play each individual string...

0:23:010:23:06

but only like this.

0:23:060:23:08

It's also less practical in urinals.

0:23:210:23:24

I should say, that wasn't my guitar, we borrowed it.

0:23:260:23:30

So...

0:23:300:23:31

APPLAUSE

0:23:340:23:37

When I see someone with an acoustic guitar,

0:23:390:23:42

I always think, "Oh, look at him,

0:23:420:23:44

"off to ruin someone's party."

0:23:440:23:45

Do you not feel that?

0:23:480:23:50

Absolutely. Yeah.

0:23:500:23:51

There's something really cool about having a classical instrument,

0:23:510:23:55

but everybody's got an acoustic guitar, haven't they?

0:23:550:23:58

Well, they're quite easy to play, aren't they?

0:23:580:23:59

You can learn it very quickly. So everyone can play it.

0:23:590:24:02

And yeah, there's definitely been some parties ruined by it.

0:24:020:24:05

You? By me.

0:24:050:24:07

It's... It is a bit of a strange instrument.

0:24:090:24:11

I can think of a stranger one.

0:24:110:24:14

This is...

0:24:140:24:16

Well, I won't tell you what it's called, see if you can guess.

0:24:160:24:19

HIGH-PITCHED ELECTRONIC HUM

0:24:220:24:24

PLAYING VOCALISE BY RACHMANINOV

0:24:270:24:30

That's actually called a badgermin.

0:24:480:24:50

LAUGHTER

0:24:500:24:52

So it's a theremin made out of a dead badger.

0:24:520:24:54

What do you think? I didn't like...

0:24:560:24:58

I didn't like the look on the guy's face playing it.

0:24:580:25:00

I think that is the conventional expression to take

0:25:000:25:03

when you're playing a badgermin.

0:25:030:25:05

OK. What's upsetting Laurence Fox?

0:25:070:25:10

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:150:25:16

Cyclists in Lycra!

0:25:160:25:19

I'd like to differentiate between Boris bike users,

0:25:210:25:25

and people that have those lovely bikes,

0:25:250:25:27

you know, the really expensive ones that...

0:25:270:25:29

..are not racers.

0:25:300:25:31

Again, it's about me, selfishly.

0:25:320:25:35

But I was crossing the road to go to the theatre

0:25:350:25:38

between a matinee and an evening performance of a show,

0:25:380:25:41

and it was the only time I got to hang out with my eldest son,

0:25:410:25:44

at that point. And I was crossing the road,

0:25:440:25:45

and this dude dressed like a fat Lance Armstrong...

0:25:450:25:49

LAUGHTER

0:25:490:25:50

..comes caning across the road.

0:25:500:25:53

And nearly took his head off, really.

0:25:530:25:55

You know, I hate them all.

0:25:550:25:57

The ones that dress like they're in the Tour de France.

0:25:570:26:00

I call them two-wheeled road fascists.

0:26:000:26:02

And I hate them from the bottom of my heart.

0:26:040:26:07

DAVINA LAUGHS

0:26:070:26:08

I was driving to work, with my driver.

0:26:100:26:13

I work in Oxford a lot, I have worked in Oxford a lot

0:26:130:26:16

and they're lovely cyclists, but then when you leave Oxford,

0:26:160:26:18

you've got the... HE STRAINS

0:26:180:26:20

Bottles of water sticking out of everything.

0:26:200:26:22

LAUGHTER

0:26:220:26:23

You know, you're just like, stop it! You know?

0:26:230:26:26

And this guy came round the car,

0:26:260:26:28

because obviously he can, you know,

0:26:280:26:30

why should he do what everyone else does on the road?

0:26:300:26:33

And he knocked my, the guy who was driving me,

0:26:330:26:35

called Anthony's wing mirror, just like that,

0:26:350:26:38

boosh, sideways, like that.

0:26:380:26:40

So Anthony went... "Er... 'Scuse me, Lawrence."

0:26:400:26:43

For a second, and he got out of the car and he went over

0:26:430:26:45

and he said you just knocked my wing mirror.

0:26:450:26:47

And he said, well, you were too close to the curb.

0:26:470:26:49

And he went, "Oh, yeah?"

0:26:490:26:50

and he took his bike and he just threw it over a fence.

0:26:500:26:53

LAUGHTER

0:26:530:26:55

OK. I'd like to add a caveat.

0:26:550:26:58

OK. Could you possibly say...

0:26:580:27:00

..two-wheeled fascists in cities?

0:27:020:27:04

No, because when I lived in the countryside,

0:27:050:27:08

on a Saturday morning...

0:27:080:27:09

This is going to sound even more posh.

0:27:090:27:12

Sorry.

0:27:120:27:13

But I had a horse, right.

0:27:130:27:14

I had a horse. LAUGHTER

0:27:140:27:17

I don't care. I don't mind admitting it, I had a horse.

0:27:170:27:20

And I would take my horse...

0:27:200:27:22

He was a bit nuts, to be fair, he had issues.

0:27:220:27:24

..and I would take my horse up the road.

0:27:240:27:27

And these fascists would come in their droves,

0:27:270:27:31

like, three abreast,

0:27:310:27:32

racing each other in some imaginary race

0:27:320:27:34

that they'd invented that morning.

0:27:340:27:36

I love people who take pride and love in their bikes,

0:27:360:27:40

and they sedately and serenely go about,

0:27:400:27:42

But not these dudes.

0:27:420:27:44

Seriously.

0:27:440:27:45

You know, have sex.

0:27:450:27:46

LAUGHTER

0:27:460:27:48

You don't need to cycle.

0:27:480:27:51

It's fine.

0:27:510:27:52

Something happened, didn't it, with the bicycle?

0:27:520:27:55

Because when I was a young man,

0:27:550:27:57

the bicycle was very much the home of gentle, kind...

0:27:570:28:03

Baskets. ..bright people.

0:28:030:28:04

This is Philip Larkin, one of our great poets.

0:28:040:28:08

Now, this is what cycling used to be like.

0:28:080:28:11

'And whenever I saw a church, I used to stop and...look inside.

0:28:110:28:17

'It was a nice excuse for stopping.

0:28:170:28:18

'I like going into them. I know very little about them,

0:28:180:28:21

'but I always welcome the feeling I have going into a church.

0:28:210:28:26

'And in the end I began to try to write about it.'

0:28:260:28:29

That's what cyclists used to be like.

0:28:310:28:34

Lovely, gentle people.

0:28:340:28:36

And then, I'll tell you what happened,

0:28:360:28:38

Team GB.

0:28:380:28:39

Oh, really? Yes, and all those hairy guys

0:28:410:28:44

that used to pump iron at the weekend thought "Cycling!

0:28:440:28:46

"That looks like a real macho activity!"

0:28:460:28:49

And then you see these people, as you say,

0:28:500:28:54

if someone's cycling 50 miles, I don't mind them wearing Lycra,

0:28:540:28:57

but you see people going to work,

0:28:570:29:00

and you know, in their head,

0:29:000:29:02

they're in the velodrome.

0:29:020:29:03

LAUGHTER

0:29:030:29:05

I used to do horse riding in North Finchley,

0:29:050:29:08

and I must admit,

0:29:080:29:09

when I was on the horse...

0:29:090:29:12

I was a big fan of Westerns,

0:29:120:29:14

and in my head all I could hear was...

0:29:140:29:16

MUSIC: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Theme Tune

0:29:160:29:18

OK, which is fine, so I fantasise,

0:29:210:29:24

as these men fantasise about being in big races.

0:29:240:29:27

But I didn't dress up.

0:29:270:29:29

I didn't wear a cowboy outfit.

0:29:290:29:30

But that's practicality. It's not, it's fancy dress.

0:29:300:29:33

It is practicality. Not with all the garb on.

0:29:330:29:35

Not with the, like, yellow jerseys.

0:29:350:29:38

Look, I don't mind watching a bit of Formula 1,

0:29:380:29:40

but when I drive to work I tend not to wear a fireproof jumpsuit...

0:29:400:29:44

LAUGHTER

0:29:440:29:46

..and a full-face crash helmet. APPLAUSE

0:29:460:29:48

But if you were in a Formula 1 race car you would.

0:29:480:29:51

Have you ever seen the naked bike ride...? No!

0:29:510:29:54

What?! I think we're going to see it now.

0:29:540:29:57

Somebody said yes. What? Where is this?

0:29:570:29:58

I saw it, this is a picture of the naked bike ride.

0:29:580:30:01

Oh, my God!

0:30:010:30:03

This is a thing?

0:30:030:30:04

That's the guy playing the badger thing!

0:30:040:30:06

LAUGHTER

0:30:060:30:07

And hold on! There's the badger... Oh, no.

0:30:090:30:12

LAUGHTER

0:30:120:30:14

Where is that?

0:30:140:30:15

Well, I saw them going across Waterloo Bridge... Stop it!

0:30:150:30:18

It's actually a beautiful sight.

0:30:180:30:21

There's all shapes and sizes and ages, it really symbolised freedom,

0:30:210:30:25

I thought. None of them on racers though, are they?

0:30:250:30:28

But there was a guy with his family standing behind me.

0:30:280:30:30

I was looking at them thinking, this is brilliant.

0:30:300:30:33

There was a guy with his family, and I heard him say, "Weirdos."

0:30:330:30:36

And I thought, this is what life is all about.

0:30:370:30:40

You have to decide whether you're with the naked bike riders,

0:30:400:30:43

or whether you're with that bloke.

0:30:430:30:45

And I'm with the naked bike riders. Yeah.

0:30:450:30:47

APPLAUSE

0:30:470:30:50

I don't think I can put in 12 string guitars,

0:30:500:30:52

cos although they are, let's say, cluttered,

0:30:520:30:55

people do make them sound nice, as well.

0:30:550:30:58

And I like a bit of wizard...

0:30:580:31:00

..riding a unicorn type beauty.

0:31:010:31:03

I think that's... That's its proper application, I'm just saying,

0:31:030:31:07

you know, people use them willy-nilly.

0:31:070:31:08

That's just wasteful.

0:31:080:31:10

I wouldn't want to lose that genre,

0:31:110:31:14

wizard rock.

0:31:140:31:15

I do understand the starters thing,

0:31:170:31:21

I think it is a bit of a waste of time, really.

0:31:210:31:24

It just makes you leave your main course.

0:31:240:31:26

But, often, they are better than main courses across the world.

0:31:260:31:30

And if I accidentally put poppadoms into Room 101,

0:31:300:31:35

I don't know what I'd do with myself.

0:31:350:31:37

LAUGHTER

0:31:370:31:39

I really have a problem with these cyclists in Lycra

0:31:390:31:44

turning cycling into a butch activity

0:31:440:31:47

instead of a beautiful, Philip Larkin type activity.

0:31:470:31:51

So you know what, I am going to put cyclists in Lycra, brackets male,

0:31:510:31:55

into Room 101.

0:31:550:31:57

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:31:570:31:58

Well done.

0:32:000:32:02

I think we've just got time to do a bonus choice,

0:32:050:32:07

so let's see what Davina goes for.

0:32:070:32:09

Argh!

0:32:130:32:15

It's not just in dresses, actually, but loops in dresses,

0:32:150:32:17

loops in tops, loops in...

0:32:170:32:20

Loops in general. Any kind of loop.

0:32:200:32:22

Do you think you could explain this or...

0:32:220:32:23

There's some men looking puzzled.

0:32:230:32:25

OK, so... LAUGHTER

0:32:250:32:26

I would imagine that every man in this room would know

0:32:260:32:28

what I'm talking about because at some point a lady friend of yours

0:32:280:32:32

will have had some weird little bit of material sticking out here,

0:32:320:32:35

and you'll think...

0:32:350:32:36

Is that a design feature or... Or what is that?

0:32:360:32:39

Why has she got that?

0:32:390:32:40

And I, too, for a while thought, like, am I supposed to keep them in,

0:32:400:32:44

and just sort of keep them?

0:32:440:32:47

And they are really annoying.

0:32:470:32:48

They stick out everywhere, and what for?

0:32:480:32:51

The other day, I got a top, and it had like a tiny loop.

0:32:510:32:54

I thought, what's the point in that, just hang it on the flipping hanger!

0:32:540:32:57

Or fold it!

0:32:570:32:59

Just fold it somewhere.

0:32:590:33:01

And, even worse, OK,

0:33:010:33:03

is the top with the looser neck which has the one piece of string

0:33:030:33:08

that attaches both sides of the loose neck

0:33:080:33:11

so in the shop it doesn't fall off the hangar.

0:33:110:33:13

And then some poor ladies, they think that it's a design feature.

0:33:130:33:17

It is not a design feature!

0:33:170:33:18

It's supposed to fall off your shoulder like that,

0:33:180:33:21

and you're supposed to cut them out!

0:33:210:33:23

You're supposed to cut them out? They are supposed to be cut out.

0:33:230:33:25

Do not keep the loop, they just come out everywhere.

0:33:250:33:29

Can I just have a show of hands, then?

0:33:290:33:31

How many women here are aware of these loops on their clothes?

0:33:310:33:35

Oh!

0:33:350:33:37

Has anybody got loops in now?

0:33:370:33:39

It's a modern disease. Still, now?

0:33:390:33:40

Can I ask how many people remove, how many of you remove them?

0:33:400:33:44

Oh.

0:33:440:33:45

Well, most people. See, it's a thing.

0:33:450:33:47

Just don't put them, just don't put them,

0:33:470:33:49

I don't want them in!

0:33:490:33:50

How many of you have say run for a bus with your ribbons flowing...

0:33:500:33:54

LAUGHTER

0:33:540:33:56

..and pulled over an entire sunglasses display?

0:33:560:34:00

LAUGHTER

0:34:000:34:02

Four?!

0:34:030:34:04

Almost worth a shot.

0:34:050:34:07

We've got a picture of you in a posh frock.

0:34:080:34:10

Oh, my God, have I got the loop?

0:34:100:34:12

Ah, there's no loops there.

0:34:130:34:14

Now, how do you hang that up?

0:34:140:34:16

LAUGHTER

0:34:160:34:18

Actually, God, that was a funny dress. That was...

0:34:200:34:23

hilarious. Are you able to e-mail that to me?

0:34:230:34:26

LAUGHTER

0:34:260:34:27

I loved that dress.

0:34:280:34:30

Yes, you don't...

0:34:300:34:32

You just sort of fold it, I think.

0:34:320:34:34

Are they new? They're quite new.

0:34:340:34:36

Is it something that's happened recently? Yes.

0:34:360:34:38

Have you not seen them?

0:34:380:34:40

I know nothing about anything.

0:34:400:34:41

LAUGHTER

0:34:410:34:43

That simply isn't true. But I don't know, I certainly...

0:34:430:34:45

This was brand-new to me.

0:34:450:34:46

Have you not seen this thing happening on people ever?

0:34:460:34:49

I'm not really looking for that.

0:34:490:34:51

Now that I've opened your eyes to it, Lawrence,

0:34:510:34:53

you will see it everywhere.

0:34:530:34:55

Oh, this is it, is it? Argh!

0:34:550:34:57

So, these. Oh, you would keep it,

0:34:570:34:59

I'd keep it, I'd be terrified of cutting that off.

0:34:590:35:01

Yeah, but then you put the dress on,

0:35:010:35:02

and they're sticking out of it, so ugly.

0:35:020:35:04

And what's even worse is sometimes they dangle out

0:35:040:35:06

from like underneath the armpit, they're sticking out.

0:35:060:35:08

But why don't they make an EU directive...

0:35:080:35:10

Oh, no, were not in the EU any more.

0:35:100:35:12

Why don't they make some sort of directive

0:35:120:35:14

that says this is not part of the costume?

0:35:140:35:16

Yeah, but I find that if you remove them...

0:35:160:35:18

AIR WHOOSHES OUT

0:35:180:35:20

LAUGHTER

0:35:200:35:22

APPLAUSE

0:35:240:35:26

This has happened to so many women I know.

0:35:290:35:32

Yeah, so...

0:35:330:35:34

LAUGHTER

0:35:360:35:37

I don't know if you realise

0:35:380:35:40

how much of a mystery things like this are two blokes.

0:35:400:35:43

Anything that suggests at the inner workings of women's costumes,

0:35:440:35:48

I mean, a little glimpse of bra strap to me

0:35:480:35:50

is still a special moment.

0:35:500:35:51

Even when, like, when you see a bedraggled sticking plaster

0:35:530:35:57

on a red raw ankle.

0:35:570:35:58

I think, "Oh, that's a little bit behind-the-scenes I've seen there."

0:35:580:36:03

I love all that.

0:36:030:36:04

So I actually quite like to see a mysterious ribbon.

0:36:040:36:08

Are you aware of this style of shirt?

0:36:080:36:10

With the strange pleat and loop on the back?

0:36:120:36:17

AUDIENCE: Yes. Yes. This thing? Yes.

0:36:170:36:19

What's that for? What is that? Yeah, I don't...

0:36:200:36:22

Isn't that so you...

0:36:220:36:23

You put the hanger through it when you travel with it, no?

0:36:230:36:26

How... How does that work? I don't know, I just made that up. Oh.

0:36:260:36:29

You put the hanger through it?

0:36:290:36:30

Hold on, I have a spare hanger here.

0:36:300:36:32

So the hanger goes through here...

0:36:320:36:34

If you're going to stick it...

0:36:350:36:37

No, that makes no sense at all!

0:36:370:36:38

No. LAUGHTER

0:36:380:36:40

It was a massive lie!

0:36:400:36:41

Is it so as a wife you can just take your finger in it and go, "No!"

0:36:410:36:46

LAUGHTER

0:36:460:36:47

APPLAUSE

0:36:470:36:50

That's great! Or if you live with Abu Hamza.

0:36:520:36:55

God, I haven't heard his name for a long time.

0:36:590:37:01

LAUGHTER

0:37:010:37:03

I wonder what he's doing now?

0:37:030:37:04

LAUGHTER

0:37:040:37:06

Hopefully not watching this!

0:37:060:37:08

I think that the... What it...

0:37:110:37:13

The label,

0:37:130:37:15

the whole label thing is a problem to me. Yeah.

0:37:150:37:20

They've got bigger and bigger, like,

0:37:200:37:23

I know they're washing instructions and stuff, but honestly...

0:37:230:37:26

But inside on a side of something? Yeah. Yeah, so annoying.

0:37:260:37:29

Or on a tiny, tiny pair of knickers,

0:37:290:37:32

you'll get a label... Yes.

0:37:320:37:34

..which means at a picnic,

0:37:340:37:36

they can sit on the label.

0:37:360:37:38

What about this lovely shot of a label sticking out?

0:37:400:37:43

LAUGHTER

0:37:450:37:47

What's the caption?

0:37:470:37:48

Should have gone to NeckShavers.

0:37:500:37:52

LAUGHTER

0:37:520:37:53

APPLAUSE

0:37:530:37:55

Still, the fact is, it's your bonus choice, Davina,

0:37:570:37:59

and so it shall go into Room 101.

0:37:590:38:02

Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:020:38:04

And that brings us to the end of the show.

0:38:070:38:09

Well done, Laurence, you were the most persuasive guest,

0:38:090:38:11

so you are this week's winner.

0:38:110:38:13

Yay! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:130:38:15

And thanks very much, Rob Delaney,

0:38:180:38:21

Davina McCall, and Laurence Fox.

0:38:210:38:23

And thank you! Goodnight.

0:38:230:38:25

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:250:38:27

Welcome to The Mash Report!

0:38:540:38:56

Madonna has launched her own range of booted orphans.

0:38:560:38:59

Donald Trump is a legend!

0:38:590:39:01

Let's come at it from another angle. He might be the Messiah. Come on!

0:39:010:39:05

Join me, Nish Kumar,

0:39:050:39:06

for BBC Two's brand-new topical comedy show.

0:39:060:39:10

Frank Skinner hosts the comedy panel show as Rob Delaney, Davina McCall and Laurence Fox compete to have their pet hates and peeves consigned to Room 101. Topics include people who order starters, 12-string guitars and cyclists in lycra.