Episode 7 Room 101 - Extra Storage


Episode 7

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello! I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

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the show where three guests compete to have their biggest bugbears

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banished forever to the dreaded vaults.

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They'll have to argue their case well, because in each round

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only one item can be chosen.

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The final decision is mine. Let's meet this week's guests.

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Joining me tonight are acting dynasty Laurence Fox,

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acting suspiciously Rob Delaney,

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and acting like she's actually concerned

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when someone breaks their leg on The Jump, Davina McCall.

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LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

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Right then, let's get ready to grumble.

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It is the first round,

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and I want to find out what is winding up Davina McCall.

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Women who tell other women about their terrible births.

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I'm already annoyed. Yeah?

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Because, honestly, when I was pregnant,

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and especially with my first child,

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and I didn't know about this condition that happens,

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that other woman have the need to tell you -

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but when I was obviously pregnant,

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and it wouldn't necessarily even just be friends of mine,

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it could be complete strangers in a supermarket, out on the streets.

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They'd come up and go, "Oh, you're pregnant.

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"Can I... Lovely, oh! So sweet. When are you due?"

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"About four weeks." "Amazing. I had a TERRIBLE birth.

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"It was terrible!

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"I split from here to here!" LAUGHTER

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"And my waters broke in Sainsbury's,

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"and everybody saw and then they had forceps and..."

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Oh, man. I just think, "Look, I've had my babies,

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"the shop's shut, I'm not going to have any more.

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"I'm over. Tell me, tell me now.

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"I'm ready, don't tell the pregnant ladies.

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"I'll listen. You know, I've got a good ear for that."

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I think it's like getting drunk, though,

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you can't remember how bad the hangover was.

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My partner said to me, "No matter how much pain I'm in,

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"and how much I beg for it, do not let me have an epidural,

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"under any circumstances.' What did you do?

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She said, "If I'm screaming at you, 'I want an epidural,'

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"I need you to say no, because I don't want..."

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And I said, "OK." She said, "You promise me? I said, "I promise."

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So we got there, she was in labour, in quite a bit of pain,

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and she said to me, "I want an epidural now!"

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And the thought of saying...

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LAUGHTER

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"If you think back...

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"..I think we agreed."

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The thought of that never crossed my mind for one second.

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I mean, I've got to say, you know, even though it is painful,

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it is an incredible experience,

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and I actually feel quite sorry for men,

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that they don't get to experience this amazing thing

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of giving birth to a human life. It's incredible.

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You're all right. LAUGHTER

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Plus, you can't tell a pregnant woman, like, you know,

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what you're putting on top of a pizza as you're preparing it

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without them murdering you.

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Yes. They're insane. Yes!

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Exactly. So why tell a pregnant woman anything bad at all?

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Yeah, exactly.

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Everything's bad and emotional and difficult and scary and...

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Yeah. Yeah. Well, I had that...

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Not everyone is blessed with this,

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but I have actually had that, sort of,

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3am drive to the hospital,

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which is very exciting.

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The waters had already gone.

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I was a bit edgy about the upholstery.

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We had a towel. And she was, er...

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honestly, in the passenger seat going...

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HE STRAINS

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And so I'm driving like this. It's like a movie.

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And she's going to me, "You should've gone left!

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"You should've gone left, you idiot!"

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I thought, "This is like the worst sat nav..."

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"..of all time!"

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I was sent back to go, we went down to get the baby checked out,

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he was the wrong way round, and they were like,

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"We've got to get the baby out by emergency Caesarean now.

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"Go, and we'll do it in 20 minutes."

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And I was like, "But we don't have any of the stuff!"

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And I went home with my eldest son, got home,

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and said, "You wait in the car. I'll go inside and get stuff."

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And he didn't wait in the car.

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He went out into the garden, picked up a brick, threw it in the air...

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Oh, my God. ..and it landed on his head.

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LAUGHTER

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So I run outside to go, "Let's get back in the car.

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"What happened to your face?"

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And he's just covered in blood.

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The second child was given birth to in one building,

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and I was getting the other one stitched up in A!

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LAUGHTER

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But respect to him for getting attention on...

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LAUGHTER Yes!

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Our guy who did the Caesarean,

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I was like, the baby came out and nothing happened,

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and I was going, "What's happening, what are you doing?"

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He goes, "It's not very often you get to have a look inside ,

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so I'm just checking out everything's fine."

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So I was like... LAUGHTER

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That belongs inside!

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Put all of that back in there.

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Bet it was great getting to wear scrubs.

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I'll never wear scrubs.

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They don't normally let you in on operations, apparently.

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Did your wife have any C sections?

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Er, no, they all came out the front door, I guess.

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LAUGHTER Lovely.

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LAUGHTER

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Yeah. I hope there was somebody with them, they haven't just gone off...

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LAUGHTER

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Of course, one can make light of the whole pregnancy thing.

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This couple have sort of tried a basketball theme.

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Look!

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Oh, no!

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No. No?

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No. I like it better than the couple who did the baseball themed one.

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Oh!

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No!

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Oh, God!

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I don't think they're together.

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That's from my country.

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That's where I'm from!

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LAUGHTER

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Anyway... what's winding up Rob Delaney?

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Why?

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Because it's not real.

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I mean...

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It's a thing, I know it exists, but it...

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The world is such a filthy, suppurating toilet

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that there's nothing you can do,

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and you don't need to be marketed some crazy thing

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that they invented 20 minutes ago when soap and water does a fine job.

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So, basically,

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the fact that they're trying to make us buy it, carry it around...

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You can put it on your belt loop now.

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..just enrages me, really.

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I have three little kids, a five-year-old, three-year-old,

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and a one-year-old, so I live in filth.

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LAUGHTER

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I don't get any sicker than the next guy.

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My wife is a teacher, so she's around other scummy children.

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LAUGHTER And it's just...

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It's just silly.

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Yes, germs exist, but...

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I was talking to a doctor friend of mine recently.

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Usually, when we get sick,

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it's cos of just stuff that's inside our own bodies

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that decides to present itself.

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What, are you going to drink the hand sanitiser?

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So...I say no.

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I'm not saying no to hygiene.

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I'm saying no to the unnecessary, very recent invention

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of like, "Soap II".

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Or whatever.

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It's so silly.

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APPLAUSE

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Apparently your average hand sanitiser is 65% alcohol,

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which is three times more than vodka.

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Now, I'm a recovering alcoholic,

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it would be safer for me to have human excrement on my hands.

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LAUGHTER

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And that is certainly the path I've chosen.

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But, also, you know, you get...

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..more healthy the more dirty you let kids be.

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They're all saying nowadays that the reason kids get sick all the time

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is because we're all so clean. We're too clean.

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I mean, the first time we get on the tube with my kids,

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you know, I make them lick a pole.

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LAUGHTER

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So that we don't have to go get jabs.

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What about in hospital?

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What about when you have to go into a hospital ward,

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and they have the hand sanitiser outside the hospital?

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That's fine. When the NHS says, use this, OK, then it's a good idea,

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but when it's your friend Rick

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being like, "Eurgh, I touched a doorknob",

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shut up! LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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I think people are so...

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Like, the handshake, now, has become quite a dangerous manoeuvre.

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You shake hands with someone and then it's like you're carrying

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a radioactive isotope.

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The rest of the day you think what am I going to do with this hand?

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What did they... Didn't they invent a new handshake

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when the Ebola crisis broke out in West Africa,

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they didn't do a handshake, they did something else,

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and now it's kept on.

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They prefer doing that than... Some people do that.

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It's something else, I don't know what it is,

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but they were encouraged not to shake hands, obviously,

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but then they invented a new one and it worked,

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and they kept going with it.

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Now no-one shakes hands in West Africa! Oh, that's amazing.

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I'm not sure I'm completely accurate about that...

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LAUGHTER

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Well, this, I mean,

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I think this picture shows that people can be genuinely scared

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of being touched like that.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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To be fair, she was just sheltering under his hair.

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LAUGHTER

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When I got to about 17,

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I had my first suit,

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and I found that when I wore a suit and tie,

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people responded very differently to me.

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I find the same thing when I wear rubber gloves.

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I find people are...

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LAUGHTER

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..uneasy about people in rubber gloves in public places.

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And I don't think that's really an option.

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One thing I tried was, do you remember these...thimbles?

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You used to see them in post offices for money counting.

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So these are very...

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If you wear one of these,

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very good for, like, pelican crossing buttons.

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Doorbells. And, also, I get asked to start

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a lot of elaborate domino effect demonstrations.

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LAUGHTER

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And you never know who's been pushing those dominoes.

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So I would, I'd recommend these.

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I'm a Catholic, so this is it for me.

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But...

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they are ribbed for extra stimulation.

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I have a special method for urinals,

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because I am quite sensitive about cleanliness.

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And I used to live with a laboratory scientist,

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and this is what they recommended.

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And I have to say,

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it does work.

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It's cumbersome,

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but it gives you real confidence.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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You've got to warm the gloves up a bit.

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But I find myself standing at the urinal like this, you know.

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It's a good thing.

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AUDIENCE MEMBER: How much is it?

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800 quid, that cost.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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OK. So what's winding up Laurence?

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BOOING AND APPLAUSE Cats!

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Yeah. And I really don't mind offending

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half of the population of this country. I hate cats.

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My first memory in life is my grandmother saying to me,

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"Don't go near the cat."

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My second memory in life

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is the blood gushing out of my mouth.

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I don't like them.

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I think they all look at us like they rule the world.

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I'm scared of them.

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I hate them.

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LAUGHTER

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The last time I saw a cat, I have a scar,

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and it was eight months ago, the last cat I stroked.

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I hate them. Hate them!

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I like dogs. Dogs listen.

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Dogs are your friend. Dogs look at you and go,

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"Hey, man, I missed you when you were at work."

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Cats wouldn't do that.

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Horrible things.

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Can I say that cats rarely tear human beings to pieces,

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which is one of the dog's minus points.

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I would say. What, a dog...?

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A dog will attack a human.

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No, dogs just get bad press.

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That's just, you know, if cats were bigger, they'd kill.

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Would you go and have a lie down with a tiger?

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I think tigers have proved that. LAUGHTER

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What do they do that's good?

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Dogs can walk people around when you're blind,

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dogs can, you know, my dogs, I use as burglar alarms.

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Because they're cheaper.

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What do cats do? You're right, though,

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a guide cat for the blind would be rubbish.

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Guide cat!

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There'd be some bloke being dragged across gardens and over fences.

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Firemen having to get a blind person out of a tree.

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This is a cat that...

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..obviously had some sort of ill fortune previously.

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LAUGHTER

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I think there'll be goldfish watching this show thinking,

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"But cats always look like that."

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Do you know the thing that cats are scared of cucumbers?

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Are they?

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Goes home, buys cucumber.

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Yeah, they are.

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That is an internet theory,

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that they are scared of cucumbers.

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In what way? How?

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I'll give you an example.

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This is Are Cats Scared Of Cucumbers?

0:14:410:14:44

This is the evidence.

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LAUGHTER

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Case closed. Oh, my God!

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So we come to the end of that round.

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I certainly am not keen on people

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telling their terrible birth stories,

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but I do think that that is an urge.

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I mean, this is why we watch One Born Every Minute.

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It's one that must be suppressed. Yes.

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Hand sanitiser I have used.

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I would be a hypocrite, I think, to put it in.

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I haven't quite got over the idea

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that you can wash your hands without a tap.

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It just seems like magic to me.

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Cats, however, are horrible.

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I'm putting them into Room 101. Yeah!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CAT SNARLS

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Well done. Well done. Bravo.

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Onto the next round, and it's Davina's turn to have a whinge.

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People who order starters.

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APPLAUSE Thank you.

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Yes!

0:16:050:16:06

There's some grumbling, there's some grumbling going on,

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I knew it could possibly be controversial.

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But... You can spot the people who definitely do.

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My thing is that...

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..firstly, if you go out for dinner,

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portions are so massive

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you don't really need a starter and a main course,

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and if somebody is eating with me,

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I will not order a starter.

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I will just have a main course,

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and then they go, "Are you having a starter?"

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And I go... This is actually my husband.

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..and I go, "No, I'm not going to have a starter.

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"So you're not going to have a starter, are you?"

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And he'll go, "I'm just going to have...

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"I think I am, actually. I'm going to have this little starter here.

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"This one." And I go, "Please don't have a starter, because literally,

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"I will eat your arm in a minute if I don't get some food.

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"And they're not going to bring out the main course,

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"they're not going to be cooking it until you've finished your starter."

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And he's like, "No, no, they will be.

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"They'll be cooking it while I'm eating."

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I say, "No, you've never worked in a restaurant.

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"I worked in a restaurant for two years.

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"They're waiting to clear the table before they start the starter."

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And by the time he's finished his starter

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I've demolished the breadbasket, I hate myself.

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I hate myself, and I'm no longer hungry.

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So people who order starters are going in Room 101, right now.

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Hear, hear. Thank you, Laurence.

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It would be a less popular show if we did it like that.

0:17:250:17:28

I have do confess to forcing someone to, saying to the waiter,

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"Can you bring them both at the same time, please?

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"Bring them both at the same time, please." That's what I do!

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"No, do have a starter, do have a starter,

0:17:400:17:41

"we'd like them both at the same time,

0:17:410:17:43

"everything at the same time, now, please. Thank you, please.

0:17:430:17:45

"Very, very hungry." I do that! "Please bring it now."

0:17:450:17:48

And that brings out the worst in me.

0:17:480:17:50

The hanger! The hanger!

0:17:500:17:52

When you've got the hanger, don't mess with me.

0:17:520:17:56

Bread kills it. And chips kill it as well.

0:17:560:17:58

Because then, also, your kids, I've been on holiday with the kids,

0:17:580:18:02

and they only eat bread and chips, and then you wonder,

0:18:020:18:05

when was the last time the kids went to the toilet?

0:18:050:18:07

It was Monday, wasn't it?

0:18:110:18:13

It was Monday.

0:18:130:18:14

What I don't like about my fellow contestants

0:18:140:18:17

is that if you added the two of them together

0:18:170:18:19

they'd weigh a little less than me.

0:18:190:18:21

Because I'm good at eating.

0:18:240:18:26

I want the starter. I want the main.

0:18:260:18:28

I want a side or two, then I want a dessert.

0:18:280:18:30

Then I'll finish before you cos I eat like a hoover,

0:18:300:18:33

and then I'm going to get mad at you if you continue to eat your food

0:18:330:18:36

without offering it to me.

0:18:360:18:37

That's where I'm at.

0:18:390:18:40

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:18:400:18:43

I think I agree with you, but I always order a starter.

0:18:460:18:50

Do you? Because I'm a little bit frightened of waiters.

0:18:500:18:53

And I find if a waiter, if I order a main course,

0:18:550:18:59

say, "I'll have the chilli con carne, please."

0:18:590:19:02

And he'll say, "Do you want a starter?"

0:19:020:19:05

And I'll go, "No, I won't have a starter."

0:19:050:19:07

And they go... Oh, they do!

0:19:070:19:08

"Oh!" They do!

0:19:080:19:10

I can't cope with that.

0:19:100:19:11

I don't know if they're on commission or what?

0:19:110:19:14

They have to shift the prawn cocktail.

0:19:140:19:16

Exactly.

0:19:160:19:18

I do get very intimidated, I think, still, in posh restaurants.

0:19:180:19:22

The first time I ever went to a posh restaurant

0:19:220:19:24

was a place called Christopher's in Covent Garden.

0:19:240:19:27

I ordered steak tartare and said, "Could I have it well done?"

0:19:290:19:32

LAUGHTER

0:19:320:19:33

And those of you who didn't get that, that's where I was.

0:19:360:19:39

I had no idea.

0:19:410:19:42

And people, they didn't just laugh on my table,

0:19:420:19:45

people on other tables were laughing.

0:19:450:19:47

If I'm out at a restaurant with my wife

0:19:480:19:50

and I'm getting the sense that maybe we might want to retire... Uh-huh.

0:19:500:19:54

see what happens, when we get home at night,

0:19:540:19:56

I can eat like a crisp and then that's it,

0:19:560:19:59

because if I have a full meal

0:19:590:20:01

and then she like goes to kiss I'm like get away from me!

0:20:010:20:04

I can't engage in any kind of sexual activity

0:20:040:20:07

if I have had more than like 15 calories because I just go,

0:20:070:20:10

I immediately fall asleep on top of her, end of story.

0:20:100:20:13

LAUGHTER

0:20:130:20:15

If I think that there may be sexual activity

0:20:150:20:17

I can have like a couple granules of sugar,

0:20:170:20:19

and maybe lick a mint and then that's it.

0:20:190:20:21

I went to an old people's restaurant.

0:20:230:20:27

Everything was themed old people's,

0:20:270:20:29

everything was liquidised, and there was lots of cake.

0:20:290:20:32

It was called NanGoes.

0:20:340:20:35

APPLAUSE

0:20:370:20:39

OK, and, so, what's upsetting Rob?

0:20:440:20:47

That's a good pet hate, I must say.

0:20:550:20:58

What have you got against them, Rob?

0:20:580:21:00

Because I think...

0:21:000:21:02

I listen to guitar music all day, every day,

0:21:020:21:05

and everybody loves a guitar, but I think six strings is usually enough.

0:21:050:21:11

Whenever it's 12 strings,

0:21:110:21:13

it's only for singing about fairies and a county fair and a maiden,

0:21:130:21:19

ad you're accompanied by bells.

0:21:190:21:21

I think, not that they shouldn't exist,

0:21:210:21:23

but if you're going to use one

0:21:230:21:25

I think you should have to apply for a special licence,

0:21:250:21:29

because whenever I see somebody playing one, you know

0:21:290:21:32

"Who do you think you are, you minstrel?"

0:21:320:21:34

It's just...

0:21:340:21:36

Why do you need...

0:21:360:21:37

Justify your use of those extra...

0:21:370:21:40

..six, silly little dingly, dangly... No.

0:21:410:21:45

So, they make me angry.

0:21:450:21:47

I can see the studio audience shares my anger.

0:21:490:21:52

LAUGHTER

0:21:520:21:54

I mean, if you're Jimmy Page,

0:21:540:21:56

singing a Led Zeppelin song about hobbits,

0:21:560:21:59

you need 12 strings.

0:21:590:22:01

But if you're my roommate, you don't need...

0:22:010:22:03

You don't need any strings, go away.

0:22:030:22:06

There'll be people are watching this who aren't really aware of

0:22:060:22:09

..of the 12 string guitar, I have one with me.

0:22:100:22:14

So this is a 12 string guitar, and it does sound...

0:22:140:22:17

Oh, my God, he's going to play for us. I'm not going to play anything,

0:22:170:22:20

because I think there is far too many strings.

0:22:200:22:24

Oh, he agrees.

0:22:250:22:27

Just...

0:22:270:22:28

STRUMS GUITAR

0:22:280:22:30

NASALLY: # Well, I was wandering... #

0:22:320:22:34

LAUGHTER

0:22:340:22:35

What? You can't...

0:22:360:22:38

There's that lovely sort of a...

0:22:380:22:40

They have that lovely tuning, the Nashville tuning,

0:22:410:22:44

using all the high strings of the 12 string,

0:22:440:22:46

they put it on a six string.

0:22:460:22:48

So you can play a six string with the high 12 string strings

0:22:480:22:51

and it sounds gorgeous with...

0:22:510:22:53

I don't know what you're talking about. No.

0:22:530:22:55

Can you play each individual string individually,

0:22:560:22:59

or do you play two at a time?

0:22:590:23:01

Well, you can, you can play each individual string...

0:23:010:23:06

but only like this.

0:23:060:23:08

It's also less practical in urinals.

0:23:210:23:24

I should say, that wasn't my guitar, we borrowed it.

0:23:260:23:30

So...

0:23:300:23:31

APPLAUSE

0:23:340:23:37

When I see someone with an acoustic guitar,

0:23:390:23:42

I always think, "Oh, look at him,

0:23:420:23:44

"off to ruin someone's party."

0:23:440:23:45

Do you not feel that?

0:23:480:23:50

Absolutely. Yeah.

0:23:500:23:51

There's something really cool about having a classical instrument,

0:23:510:23:55

but everybody's got an acoustic guitar, haven't they?

0:23:550:23:58

Well, they're quite easy to play, aren't they?

0:23:580:23:59

You can learn it very quickly. So everyone can play it.

0:23:590:24:02

And yeah, there's definitely been some parties ruined by it.

0:24:020:24:05

You? By me.

0:24:050:24:07

It's... It is a bit of a strange instrument.

0:24:090:24:11

I can think of a stranger one.

0:24:110:24:14

This is...

0:24:140:24:16

Well, I won't tell you what it's called, see if you can guess.

0:24:160:24:19

HIGH-PITCHED ELECTRONIC HUM

0:24:220:24:24

PLAYING VOCALISE BY RACHMANINOV

0:24:270:24:30

That's actually called a badgermin.

0:24:480:24:50

LAUGHTER

0:24:500:24:52

So it's a theremin made out of a dead badger.

0:24:520:24:54

What do you think? I didn't like...

0:24:560:24:58

I didn't like the look on the guy's face playing it.

0:24:580:25:00

I think that is the conventional expression to take

0:25:000:25:03

when you're playing a badgermin.

0:25:030:25:05

OK. What's upsetting Laurence Fox?

0:25:070:25:10

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:150:25:16

Cyclists in Lycra!

0:25:160:25:19

I'd like to differentiate between Boris bike users,

0:25:210:25:25

and people that have those lovely bikes,

0:25:250:25:27

you know, the really expensive ones that...

0:25:270:25:29

..are not racers.

0:25:300:25:31

Again, it's about me, selfishly.

0:25:320:25:35

But I was crossing the road to go to the theatre

0:25:350:25:38

between a matinee and an evening performance of a show,

0:25:380:25:41

and it was the only time I got to hang out with my eldest son,

0:25:410:25:44

at that point. And I was crossing the road,

0:25:440:25:45

and this dude dressed like a fat Lance Armstrong...

0:25:450:25:49

LAUGHTER

0:25:490:25:50

..comes caning across the road.

0:25:500:25:53

And nearly took his head off, really.

0:25:530:25:55

You know, I hate them all.

0:25:550:25:57

The ones that dress like they're in the Tour de France.

0:25:570:26:00

I call them two-wheeled road fascists.

0:26:000:26:02

And I hate them from the bottom of my heart.

0:26:040:26:07

DAVINA LAUGHS

0:26:070:26:08

I was driving to work, with my driver.

0:26:100:26:13

I work in Oxford a lot, I have worked in Oxford a lot

0:26:130:26:16

and they're lovely cyclists, but then when you leave Oxford,

0:26:160:26:18

you've got the... HE STRAINS

0:26:180:26:20

Bottles of water sticking out of everything.

0:26:200:26:22

LAUGHTER

0:26:220:26:23

You know, you're just like, stop it! You know?

0:26:230:26:26

And this guy came round the car,

0:26:260:26:28

because obviously he can, you know,

0:26:280:26:30

why should he do what everyone else does on the road?

0:26:300:26:33

And he knocked my, the guy who was driving me,

0:26:330:26:35

called Anthony's wing mirror, just like that,

0:26:350:26:38

boosh, sideways, like that.

0:26:380:26:40

So Anthony went... "Er... 'Scuse me, Lawrence."

0:26:400:26:43

For a second, and he got out of the car and he went over

0:26:430:26:45

and he said you just knocked my wing mirror.

0:26:450:26:47

And he said, well, you were too close to the curb.

0:26:470:26:49

And he went, "Oh, yeah?"

0:26:490:26:50

and he took his bike and he just threw it over a fence.

0:26:500:26:53

LAUGHTER

0:26:530:26:55

OK. I'd like to add a caveat.

0:26:550:26:58

OK. Could you possibly say...

0:26:580:27:00

..two-wheeled fascists in cities?

0:27:020:27:04

No, because when I lived in the countryside,

0:27:050:27:08

on a Saturday morning...

0:27:080:27:09

This is going to sound even more posh.

0:27:090:27:12

Sorry.

0:27:120:27:13

But I had a horse, right.

0:27:130:27:14

I had a horse. LAUGHTER

0:27:140:27:17

I don't care. I don't mind admitting it, I had a horse.

0:27:170:27:20

And I would take my horse...

0:27:200:27:22

He was a bit nuts, to be fair, he had issues.

0:27:220:27:24

..and I would take my horse up the road.

0:27:240:27:27

And these fascists would come in their droves,

0:27:270:27:31

like, three abreast,

0:27:310:27:32

racing each other in some imaginary race

0:27:320:27:34

that they'd invented that morning.

0:27:340:27:36

I love people who take pride and love in their bikes,

0:27:360:27:40

and they sedately and serenely go about,

0:27:400:27:42

But not these dudes.

0:27:420:27:44

Seriously.

0:27:440:27:45

You know, have sex.

0:27:450:27:46

LAUGHTER

0:27:460:27:48

You don't need to cycle.

0:27:480:27:51

It's fine.

0:27:510:27:52

Something happened, didn't it, with the bicycle?

0:27:520:27:55

Because when I was a young man,

0:27:550:27:57

the bicycle was very much the home of gentle, kind...

0:27:570:28:03

Baskets. ..bright people.

0:28:030:28:04

This is Philip Larkin, one of our great poets.

0:28:040:28:08

Now, this is what cycling used to be like.

0:28:080:28:11

'And whenever I saw a church, I used to stop and...look inside.

0:28:110:28:17

'It was a nice excuse for stopping.

0:28:170:28:18

'I like going into them. I know very little about them,

0:28:180:28:21

'but I always welcome the feeling I have going into a church.

0:28:210:28:26

'And in the end I began to try to write about it.'

0:28:260:28:29

That's what cyclists used to be like.

0:28:310:28:34

Lovely, gentle people.

0:28:340:28:36

And then, I'll tell you what happened,

0:28:360:28:38

Team GB.

0:28:380:28:39

Oh, really? Yes, and all those hairy guys

0:28:410:28:44

that used to pump iron at the weekend thought "Cycling!

0:28:440:28:46

"That looks like a real macho activity!"

0:28:460:28:49

And then you see these people, as you say,

0:28:500:28:54

if someone's cycling 50 miles, I don't mind them wearing Lycra,

0:28:540:28:57

but you see people going to work,

0:28:570:29:00

and you know, in their head,

0:29:000:29:02

they're in the velodrome.

0:29:020:29:03

LAUGHTER

0:29:030:29:05

I used to do horse riding in North Finchley,

0:29:050:29:08

and I must admit,

0:29:080:29:09

when I was on the horse...

0:29:090:29:12

I was a big fan of Westerns,

0:29:120:29:14

and in my head all I could hear was...

0:29:140:29:16

MUSIC: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Theme Tune

0:29:160:29:18

OK, which is fine, so I fantasise,

0:29:210:29:24

as these men fantasise about being in big races.

0:29:240:29:27

But I didn't dress up.

0:29:270:29:29

I didn't wear a cowboy outfit.

0:29:290:29:30

But that's practicality. It's not, it's fancy dress.

0:29:300:29:33

It is practicality. Not with all the garb on.

0:29:330:29:35

Not with the, like, yellow jerseys.

0:29:350:29:38

Look, I don't mind watching a bit of Formula 1,

0:29:380:29:40

but when I drive to work I tend not to wear a fireproof jumpsuit...

0:29:400:29:44

LAUGHTER

0:29:440:29:46

..and a full-face crash helmet. APPLAUSE

0:29:460:29:48

But if you were in a Formula 1 race car you would.

0:29:480:29:51

Have you ever seen the naked bike ride...? No!

0:29:510:29:54

What?! I think we're going to see it now.

0:29:540:29:57

Somebody said yes. What? Where is this?

0:29:570:29:58

I saw it, this is a picture of the naked bike ride.

0:29:580:30:01

Oh, my God!

0:30:010:30:03

This is a thing?

0:30:030:30:04

That's the guy playing the badger thing!

0:30:040:30:06

LAUGHTER

0:30:060:30:07

And hold on! There's the badger... Oh, no.

0:30:090:30:12

LAUGHTER

0:30:120:30:14

Where is that?

0:30:140:30:15

Well, I saw them going across Waterloo Bridge... Stop it!

0:30:150:30:18

It's actually a beautiful sight.

0:30:180:30:21

There's all shapes and sizes and ages, it really symbolised freedom,

0:30:210:30:25

I thought. None of them on racers though, are they?

0:30:250:30:28

But there was a guy with his family standing behind me.

0:30:280:30:30

I was looking at them thinking, this is brilliant.

0:30:300:30:33

There was a guy with his family, and I heard him say, "Weirdos."

0:30:330:30:36

And I thought, this is what life is all about.

0:30:370:30:40

You have to decide whether you're with the naked bike riders,

0:30:400:30:43

or whether you're with that bloke.

0:30:430:30:45

And I'm with the naked bike riders. Yeah.

0:30:450:30:47

APPLAUSE

0:30:470:30:50

I don't think I can put in 12 string guitars,

0:30:500:30:52

cos although they are, let's say, cluttered,

0:30:520:30:55

people do make them sound nice, as well.

0:30:550:30:58

And I like a bit of wizard...

0:30:580:31:00

..riding a unicorn type beauty.

0:31:010:31:03

I think that's... That's its proper application, I'm just saying,

0:31:030:31:07

you know, people use them willy-nilly.

0:31:070:31:08

That's just wasteful.

0:31:080:31:10

I wouldn't want to lose that genre,

0:31:110:31:14

wizard rock.

0:31:140:31:15

I do understand the starters thing,

0:31:170:31:21

I think it is a bit of a waste of time, really.

0:31:210:31:24

It just makes you leave your main course.

0:31:240:31:26

But, often, they are better than main courses across the world.

0:31:260:31:30

And if I accidentally put poppadoms into Room 101,

0:31:300:31:35

I don't know what I'd do with myself.

0:31:350:31:37

LAUGHTER

0:31:370:31:39

I really have a problem with these cyclists in Lycra

0:31:390:31:44

turning cycling into a butch activity

0:31:440:31:47

instead of a beautiful, Philip Larkin type activity.

0:31:470:31:51

So you know what, I am going to put cyclists in Lycra, brackets male,

0:31:510:31:55

into Room 101.

0:31:550:31:57

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:31:570:31:58

Well done.

0:32:000:32:02

I think we've just got time to do a bonus choice,

0:32:050:32:07

so let's see what Davina goes for.

0:32:070:32:09

Argh!

0:32:130:32:15

It's not just in dresses, actually, but loops in dresses,

0:32:150:32:17

loops in tops, loops in...

0:32:170:32:20

Loops in general. Any kind of loop.

0:32:200:32:22

Do you think you could explain this or...

0:32:220:32:23

There's some men looking puzzled.

0:32:230:32:25

OK, so... LAUGHTER

0:32:250:32:26

I would imagine that every man in this room would know

0:32:260:32:28

what I'm talking about because at some point a lady friend of yours

0:32:280:32:32

will have had some weird little bit of material sticking out here,

0:32:320:32:35

and you'll think...

0:32:350:32:36

Is that a design feature or... Or what is that?

0:32:360:32:39

Why has she got that?

0:32:390:32:40

And I, too, for a while thought, like, am I supposed to keep them in,

0:32:400:32:44

and just sort of keep them?

0:32:440:32:47

And they are really annoying.

0:32:470:32:48

They stick out everywhere, and what for?

0:32:480:32:51

The other day, I got a top, and it had like a tiny loop.

0:32:510:32:54

I thought, what's the point in that, just hang it on the flipping hanger!

0:32:540:32:57

Or fold it!

0:32:570:32:59

Just fold it somewhere.

0:32:590:33:01

And, even worse, OK,

0:33:010:33:03

is the top with the looser neck which has the one piece of string

0:33:030:33:08

that attaches both sides of the loose neck

0:33:080:33:11

so in the shop it doesn't fall off the hangar.

0:33:110:33:13

And then some poor ladies, they think that it's a design feature.

0:33:130:33:17

It is not a design feature!

0:33:170:33:18

It's supposed to fall off your shoulder like that,

0:33:180:33:21

and you're supposed to cut them out!

0:33:210:33:23

You're supposed to cut them out? They are supposed to be cut out.

0:33:230:33:25

Do not keep the loop, they just come out everywhere.

0:33:250:33:29

Can I just have a show of hands, then?

0:33:290:33:31

How many women here are aware of these loops on their clothes?

0:33:310:33:35

Oh!

0:33:350:33:37

Has anybody got loops in now?

0:33:370:33:39

It's a modern disease. Still, now?

0:33:390:33:40

Can I ask how many people remove, how many of you remove them?

0:33:400:33:44

Oh.

0:33:440:33:45

Well, most people. See, it's a thing.

0:33:450:33:47

Just don't put them, just don't put them,

0:33:470:33:49

I don't want them in!

0:33:490:33:50

How many of you have say run for a bus with your ribbons flowing...

0:33:500:33:54

LAUGHTER

0:33:540:33:56

..and pulled over an entire sunglasses display?

0:33:560:34:00

LAUGHTER

0:34:000:34:02

Four?!

0:34:030:34:04

Almost worth a shot.

0:34:050:34:07

We've got a picture of you in a posh frock.

0:34:080:34:10

Oh, my God, have I got the loop?

0:34:100:34:12

Ah, there's no loops there.

0:34:130:34:14

Now, how do you hang that up?

0:34:140:34:16

LAUGHTER

0:34:160:34:18

Actually, God, that was a funny dress. That was...

0:34:200:34:23

hilarious. Are you able to e-mail that to me?

0:34:230:34:26

LAUGHTER

0:34:260:34:27

I loved that dress.

0:34:280:34:30

Yes, you don't...

0:34:300:34:32

You just sort of fold it, I think.

0:34:320:34:34

Are they new? They're quite new.

0:34:340:34:36

Is it something that's happened recently? Yes.

0:34:360:34:38

Have you not seen them?

0:34:380:34:40

I know nothing about anything.

0:34:400:34:41

LAUGHTER

0:34:410:34:43

That simply isn't true. But I don't know, I certainly...

0:34:430:34:45

This was brand-new to me.

0:34:450:34:46

Have you not seen this thing happening on people ever?

0:34:460:34:49

I'm not really looking for that.

0:34:490:34:51

Now that I've opened your eyes to it, Lawrence,

0:34:510:34:53

you will see it everywhere.

0:34:530:34:55

Oh, this is it, is it? Argh!

0:34:550:34:57

So, these. Oh, you would keep it,

0:34:570:34:59

I'd keep it, I'd be terrified of cutting that off.

0:34:590:35:01

Yeah, but then you put the dress on,

0:35:010:35:02

and they're sticking out of it, so ugly.

0:35:020:35:04

And what's even worse is sometimes they dangle out

0:35:040:35:06

from like underneath the armpit, they're sticking out.

0:35:060:35:08

But why don't they make an EU directive...

0:35:080:35:10

Oh, no, were not in the EU any more.

0:35:100:35:12

Why don't they make some sort of directive

0:35:120:35:14

that says this is not part of the costume?

0:35:140:35:16

Yeah, but I find that if you remove them...

0:35:160:35:18

AIR WHOOSHES OUT

0:35:180:35:20

LAUGHTER

0:35:200:35:22

APPLAUSE

0:35:240:35:26

This has happened to so many women I know.

0:35:290:35:32

Yeah, so...

0:35:330:35:34

LAUGHTER

0:35:360:35:37

I don't know if you realise

0:35:380:35:40

how much of a mystery things like this are two blokes.

0:35:400:35:43

Anything that suggests at the inner workings of women's costumes,

0:35:440:35:48

I mean, a little glimpse of bra strap to me

0:35:480:35:50

is still a special moment.

0:35:500:35:51

Even when, like, when you see a bedraggled sticking plaster

0:35:530:35:57

on a red raw ankle.

0:35:570:35:58

I think, "Oh, that's a little bit behind-the-scenes I've seen there."

0:35:580:36:03

I love all that.

0:36:030:36:04

So I actually quite like to see a mysterious ribbon.

0:36:040:36:08

Are you aware of this style of shirt?

0:36:080:36:10

With the strange pleat and loop on the back?

0:36:120:36:17

AUDIENCE: Yes. Yes. This thing? Yes.

0:36:170:36:19

What's that for? What is that? Yeah, I don't...

0:36:200:36:22

Isn't that so you...

0:36:220:36:23

You put the hanger through it when you travel with it, no?

0:36:230:36:26

How... How does that work? I don't know, I just made that up. Oh.

0:36:260:36:29

You put the hanger through it?

0:36:290:36:30

Hold on, I have a spare hanger here.

0:36:300:36:32

So the hanger goes through here...

0:36:320:36:34

If you're going to stick it...

0:36:350:36:37

No, that makes no sense at all!

0:36:370:36:38

No. LAUGHTER

0:36:380:36:40

It was a massive lie!

0:36:400:36:41

Is it so as a wife you can just take your finger in it and go, "No!"

0:36:410:36:46

LAUGHTER

0:36:460:36:47

APPLAUSE

0:36:470:36:50

That's great! Or if you live with Abu Hamza.

0:36:520:36:55

God, I haven't heard his name for a long time.

0:36:590:37:01

LAUGHTER

0:37:010:37:03

I wonder what he's doing now?

0:37:030:37:04

LAUGHTER

0:37:040:37:06

Hopefully not watching this!

0:37:060:37:08

I think that the... What it...

0:37:110:37:13

The label,

0:37:130:37:15

the whole label thing is a problem to me. Yeah.

0:37:150:37:20

They've got bigger and bigger, like,

0:37:200:37:23

I know they're washing instructions and stuff, but honestly...

0:37:230:37:26

But inside on a side of something? Yeah. Yeah, so annoying.

0:37:260:37:29

Or on a tiny, tiny pair of knickers,

0:37:290:37:32

you'll get a label... Yes.

0:37:320:37:34

..which means at a picnic,

0:37:340:37:36

they can sit on the label.

0:37:360:37:38

What about this lovely shot of a label sticking out?

0:37:400:37:43

LAUGHTER

0:37:450:37:47

What's the caption?

0:37:470:37:48

Should have gone to NeckShavers.

0:37:500:37:52

LAUGHTER

0:37:520:37:53

APPLAUSE

0:37:530:37:55

Still, the fact is, it's your bonus choice, Davina,

0:37:570:37:59

and so it shall go into Room 101.

0:37:590:38:02

Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:020:38:04

And that brings us to the end of the show.

0:38:070:38:09

Well done, Laurence, you were the most persuasive guest,

0:38:090:38:11

so you are this week's winner.

0:38:110:38:13

Yay! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:130:38:15

And thanks very much, Rob Delaney,

0:38:180:38:21

Davina McCall, and Laurence Fox.

0:38:210:38:23

And thank you! Goodnight.

0:38:230:38:25

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:250:38:27

Welcome to The Mash Report!

0:38:540:38:56

Madonna has launched her own range of booted orphans.

0:38:560:38:59

Donald Trump is a legend!

0:38:590:39:01

Let's come at it from another angle. He might be the Messiah. Come on!

0:39:010:39:05

Join me, Nish Kumar,

0:39:050:39:06

for BBC Two's brand-new topical comedy show.

0:39:060:39:10

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