Episode 6 Room 101

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests vie to cast their biggest bugbears

deep into the gloomy vault.

Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are comedian Adam Hills,

broadcaster Gyles Brandreth and pop superstar Melanie C.

CHEERING

So, can we have our first category?

What doesn't Gyles like about modern life?

LAUGHTER

The electorate.

-Yes.

-The people who vote.

I should say, that is a shot of our audience here tonight.

But they are the electorate. There's no getting round that.

I used to be a member of parliament, until the people spoke.

LAUGHTER

-Where were you MP for?

-The city of Chester.

-Beautiful part of the world.

-Yes, of course.

And many of them were nice people. This is just an act of revenge...

-Yes.

-..on my part. I knew I had contempt for my constituents,

but it just came as a bit of a shock to the system

to find the feeling was entirely mutual.

So I lost my seat. That's the point.

I lost my seat at the General Election, and I thought,

"Well, they can do that to me." Here's my chance, Frank.

Thanks to you, I can do the same to them.

-I'm now voting for you to go down the plughole.

-Fair enough.

So your political policy right now is,

"If you don't vote for me, I lock you in a room."

We have a picture of you in your politician days.

-LAUGHTER

-Ah, yes. Yeah.

I don't know if you were just about to jump.

John Major became the leader of my party.

That's when, overnight, I began to go grey.

William Hague became the leader of my party.

Again, to show my loyalty, overnight, I began to go bald.

I was only grateful that Ann Widdecombe did not succeed.

During the General Election, in fact, my darling wife came back

to our house one day. I'd been out canvassing, campaigning,

and I found a 'for sale' notice outside our house.

I said, "What have you done?" She said, "I've put our house up for sale."

I said, "In the constituency? I'm running for election."

-She said, "Yes, I know, but I've seen the way the wind is blowing."

-Blimey.

There's no vapid optimism with my wife, I can tell you.

As my wife says to me, "Gyles, when one door closes, it's shut."

LAUGHTER

Well, we have a clip of Iain Duncan Smith listening to

the voice of the people in Liverpool.

How's it feel to be a complete non-entity, Mr Duncan Smith?

Scum of the earth!

And you've got cheap shoes!

Actually, all MPs of all parties, in my experience,

almost all of them, it's a vocation.

They do it because they want to make the world

-a better place, in small ways...

-Is that true, Gyles?

It really is true, because, er, I mean, all right,

maybe the expenses are marvellous,

but the wages aren't that marvellous.

-The expenses aren't what they used to be.

-They aren't.

I want you to know, though... May I say something?

May I say something, Frank? I was a respectable member of parliament.

I dug my own moat.

LAUGHTER

That was just to keep the electorate away.

Now, this is what I suspect politicians think of each other.

This is a Ukrainian MP called Rehawhi Suakis,

and he's talking to another politician,

and just watch what he does.

-Oh!

-LAUGHTER

Anyway, what does Adam Hills not like about modern life?

Oh, my... LAUGHTER

Abs.

There's just so much pressure on...

There's fit and there's... I just can't do that.

When was it important for people to have really finely-honed abs?

Like, all the sex symbols from the '70s, they didn't have abs.

Paul Newman and Robert Redford, they didn't have abs.

As opposed to Bruce Springsteen, who was photographed on holiday

at the age of 62 with abs that no man should have.

-Wow, he looks amazing!

-No, he doesn't, that's not right!

LAUGHTER

I was on a beach in Jamaica not long ago, and this

little wizened old lady, nut brown,

came teetering along the beach towards me,

and it wasn't till she got just here,

that I realised it was Mick Jagger.

Isn't it good that people look all ripped and...

I'm happy to look good, but there's something about

Bruce Springsteen, I think, tipped it for me,

because he was the champion of the working class.

He was always the, you know, "Everything's gone wrong

"and life's tough", and he's just one of the guys at the mill,

and now - you don't get abs like that

unless you've got someone helping you.

-You don't get abs like that from just...

-Excuse me.

-What?

-He has done it all himself. He looks magnificent.

-No!

Unlike you, you disgusting...

-Oh, my God.

-..revolting!

When did you pose for this?

Do you know Darryn Lyons? Are you familiar with Darryn Lyons?

Yes, yes.

He was on Celebrity Big Brother, and he had...

-Oh, yes, yes, yes.

-He had work done to give himself a six-pack.

-Yeah.

He didn't bother to lose weight,

he just had the six-pack sort of put on the top. This is Darryn.

-AUDIENCE GROAN

-Oh, no.

-Is that true, then? Are they implants?

-I believe...

-Is that fact?

I believe that they're a sort of liposuction method, although you can

get the same look just by lying face downwards on one of these.

I never really thought about the abs thing.

I think people just looked after themselves,

and then I saw the picture of Craig David. Did you see this picture?

-He took a selfie of himself.

-Oh, dear.

AUDIENCE: Ohh...

-No.

-Now, that...

-That's not a selfie, Frank.

A selfie, you have to have an arm in shot

because you're taking it yourself. What's he taking it with?

Well, that's a good question.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, I tell you what, when I first saw it, I stared at it a bit,

because I was taken aback, and then...

You see, what worries me is he's not as symmetrical as I thought he'd be.

The top bit...

is it just me, or does that look like a duck eating a burger?

I'll see if I can help you with this.

MEL LAUGHS LOUDLY

If you put me in the screen with Craig now.

APPLAUSE

OK. What does Melanie C not like about modern life?

Ooh.

The overwhelming choice of toothpastes on the market.

-There are a lot.

-I've got a little list in my pocket.

This is just one brand.

-I mean, I'm happy with there being lots of brands.

-Mmm.

But this is just one brand. They offer lots of different things.

Whitening, cavity protection, advanced, advanced whitening,

advanced freshening, sensitive, fresh breath, antibacterial,

we have another whitening, which is for sensitive teeth.

Then they have gum health. And I just think,

"But I want all of those things."

So why isn't there just one toothpaste that does everything?

You, we should say before you, you did do a campaign,

-did you not? For...

-I did. I'd forgotten! Yeah.

Well, I thought, "I don't want anyone thinking she's just

"advertising her toothpaste, we'll be upfront about it."

-You did the "Keep Britain Smiling"...

-I did, yeah.

-..campaign.

-It was a lovely campaign actually.

-It was for Barnardo's, which is a wonderful charity.

-Yes.

-And, yeah, no, it was earlier this year.

-And who was the company?

-It was Colgate.

-Colgate, yes.

Which I always think sounds like a scandal about pit closures.

Well, actually, they're the biggest culprits in this crime.

Yes, they are, because they have Colgate Total Advanced

-- which sounds like it's got everything -

-Mm-hmm.

-Colgate Total Advanced Whitening...

-Mm-hmm.

-..Colgate Total Advanced Freshening...

-Mm-hmm.

..and Colgate Total Advanced Clean.

"Oh, clean, yes, I'd like that for my teeth.

"Maybe I'll choose that one." I met Bon Jovi.

You know, Jon Bon Jovi. His teeth, they don't look like teeth any more.

They go too perfect, don't they?

They were too... They didn't even have any of the little...

They just looked like...

Isn't that what children put on sore gums, Bon Jovi?

Yes, and it works.

-Do you ever use floss?

-Oh, I hate flossing.

I'd quite happily put floss into Room 101,

but as you get older, you tend to need to more, don't you?

-Yeah, I find...

-So I've been told.

LAUGHTER

I find my teeth will hold, well, a good two-thirds of a meal

for two hours.

I've got a good little trick though.

When you're out, especially if you're on a date,

and it's someone you don't know very well, and you're trying to impress,

but you're cracking on a bit, and, erm, the teeth are

storing food for later, just use your knife

when they're not looking, to check.

Oh, to see. Not...

LAUGHTER

To check.

Do a little... yeah, spinach check.

As long as you've got a shiny knife

and you've not been taken to McDonald's.

-Oh, yes, if it's plastic, a white plastic fork...

-Yeah!

Yeah, you need to remember it's a plastic fork,

otherwise you're going, "My teeth look amazing!"

This is the one I tend to use. This is Aquafresh.

Look at that, that's multi...

-multicoloured.

-Yeah, I love that.

-Yeah.

Now, there could be a branding opportunity in this, I think,

because if you're going to take this as your colour scheme,

wouldn't this be a really good logo?

Look at that. It's perfect.

APPLAUSE

Yes, and that would ensure your teeth were REALLY white.

Anyway, we come to the end of the modern life round,

and I must say, the toothpaste thing,

I think it's just good to have variety.

It's just a con. It's a marketing con.

Yeah, but I don't mind that.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God!

I'm not going to put abs into Room 101,

-because I'd like some.

-Sure.

-And I have some,

but they're underground at the moment and I'd like to bring them forth.

The electorate just make one terrible mistake after the next,

so I'm going to put the electorate into Room 101.

Next category please.

OK, it's the audience choice,

and we have Alex Hatenstone in the audience.

-Alex?

-Hi!

-Hello, hello.

What would you like to put into Room 101?

Erm, I want to put into Room 101 people who tell you to cheer up.

Oh, yes... Oh! APPLAUSE

Does that happen to you a lot?

Yeah, I think I've just got a mouth that naturally points down

if I'm not smiling.

How do you respond?

I just sort of give them evils, or, like,

give them sort of a weird look.

Um, because normally I don't feel like I need to cheer up

until they've actually told me I need to, and then I think

there's actually quite a lot of miserable things in the world,

and then you start sort of reflecting on it,

and you think, "Well, maybe I do need to cheer up now."

Maybe you should come back with, "Do something to cheer me up."

-Exactly, that is...

-No, don't do that.

Have you considered a smog mask?

-A what?

-You know people wear smog masks,

-and then no-one will...

-Oh, that's a really good idea actually.

No, but I might in future.

Better wear a smog mask like this one.

LAUGHTER

-MEL C:

-Creepy!

I think it's a terrible error to say that to someone.

It could go horribly wrong. So, you know what?

Alex, I am going to put people who tell you to cheer up into Room 101.

Right, let's have our next category.

OK, it's the wild card, which means there are no limitations.

ANYTHING you don't like, you can choose.

OK, let's have a look at Gyles's wild card.

-Passwords.

-Oh.

I've been exploring who gets to be happy, how and why,

looking for the seven secrets of happiness,

and one of them is to take change on board, not to resist change.

You've got to cope with the changing world if you want to be happy,

but I have to tell you, there's one thing I really am finding

very difficult to cope with, and that is passwords.

I do not want to learn another frigging password!

AUDIENCE: Woo!

-I have a list here of the most popular passwords in the UK.

-Ah.

The most popular one, apparently, is your first name...

I mean, not your... Whatever that is, with the number one after it.

WOMAN LAUGHS Someone recognised that.

I love the fact that it's not just the first name,

that people have put a one, thinking, "That'll fool them."

The third most popular, apparently, is "monkey".

Why's that?!

What's number two, then? Why have you...that one?

-Well, erm...

-Is that yours?

It is actually mine. It's "password1".

-That's annoying.

-My wife, being a remarkable woman...

..and having everything beautifully organised,

she insists on different passwords for everything.

She won't have universal passwords.

So even if you came up with quite a complicated password, that won't do.

So she has memorised dozens of these passwords,

and I now have no access to anything.

LAUGHTER

We actually discuss this at the Relate meetings most weeks.

I just...you know when they send you a password

or a PIN number as an example? I just keep that.

But then they know it as well. They know it.

Yeah, but I don't mind them... I'm the sort of person, if I buy a wallet

and it's got a picture of a person in there, I just keep that in.

Anyway, what is Adam's wild card?

-LAUGHTER MEL C:

-Hey!

Looks fine.

What I don't like about modern life - naming rights on public stadiums.

-MAN: Woo!

-Woo!

APPLAUSE

I mean, I love being in Britain and I love going to sporting events,

and I love places like Old Trafford

and Edgbaston and Lords and the Oval. I love those names.

And it's happened in Australia a lot and it's starting to happen here

as well, where... I mean, there's the O2,

I get that, and there's Emirates Stadium,

but then, I mean, Newcastle had Sports Direct Stadium,

and it just...it just makes the stadium sound

like they've got loose morals.

You mock people when they name their children after brand names.

-Do you?

-Oh, God, do you not?!

When you see people with children called Armani. I mean, honestly,

in the last count in America, there are seven children named Del Monte.

I bet they're very positive people.

The New Zealand government this year had to issue a list of names

that you're not allowed to call your children.

Because of the names that people were using.

There was a "Full Stop." There was the number "89."

If you don't do it to a child, don't do it to a stadium. That's my rule.

LAUGHTER That's a great motto for life.

And yet, I understand the benefits of it.

I understand a lot of cash then goes to the club

because there's naming rights and sponsorship, but venues

that have been around for ages have a certain history and character

and as soon as you just whack on like a big "McDonald's"

over the top of it, it just makes it feel a bit cheaper, for me.

We have some examples anyway.

Wincham Park was the home of Witton Albion,

and in August 2000 it changed its name to the Bargain Booze Stadium.

York City played at Bootham Crescent, which was renamed

Kit Kat Crescent in 2005, owing to a sponsorship deal with Nestle.

And they said if they won a trophy,

it would be paraded around town in a Double Decker.

LAUGHTER

I'd like to be sponsored by something. Rather a fun idea.

-Yeah.

-Yeah. What would I choose?

To be a sort of old Milkybar Kid.

We should all be sponsored. Who would you be sponsored by?

I suppose these days I should be sponsored by Old Spice.

What a lovely idea!

So, what is Melanie's wild card?

SHE LAUGHS

Awww.

People who think I'm deaf.

It's a strange one, Yeah.

Very frequently, people will pass me in the street

and point at me and go, "Oh, my God, it's Melanie C!"

-Yeah. From this far away.

-But I can hear you.

-Yeah, I get that.

-Yeah.

I get, "FRANKIE!"

Which was very difficult when I was on the witness protection programme.

But there's lots of weird things that people do, you know,

when they recognise you, or think they recognise you.

They're walking behind you and then they kind of pick up the pace,

and they leave their mates behind, and they're like,

they'll walk forward and they go, "Oh, I forgot something",

and then they turn round just to check,

-and they're like that to their mates...

-Oh, wow.

-That's a clever one.

-Yeah.

So they're not saying it to you. They're just, as they walk past...

they kind of go, "Oh, Melanie C", really loudly?

But I also get a lot of, "Mel B!"

LAUGHTER

Another favourite is when you're just, like,

sitting with a friend and having a bit of food,

and you just see this...you know, and then a little click.

But I do quite like the secret photo, as a genre.

We've got a few secretly taken photos of celebrities.

This is Bradley Walsh.

You see him, in the background there, in a baseball cap?

LAUGHTER

And my own particular favourite, Warwick Davis.

-Right? Now...

-Where is he?

He's in the shop looking at magazines, I think.

Here he is.

LAUGHTER

But they're not, people... It was so big, the Spice Girls,

nothing you do... No-one is going to shout,

"Oi, congratulations on your musical theatre career!"

It's just not going to happen, is it?

You know, you're a victim of your own success.

No, and I am actually really lucky,

because I've never had anything negative.

The public have been nothing but lovely to me.

Well, stick around.

You have continued though.

It's not like the Spice Girls is way in your past.

Every now and again you sort of revive them a bit.

You did the musical, which I went to

- and I'm not saying this because you're here - I really liked it.

-I know. Me too.

-I don't know why that went...

-I know.

But you did the press launch for that.

We've got pictures of you guys at the press launch.

I'm not sure that Victoria totally joined in.

-You all look so smiley and happy.

-I know.

And she looks great. Then another picture...

-Maybe she knew something we didn't.

-Maybe.

But look, that's exactly the same.

Look at this picture.

She's starting to tire at that stage.

You don't want to end up like Ringo Starr.

Ringo Starr got very angry about signing autographs,

and he put this on his website.

This is a serious message to everyone watching my...update

right now, peace and love, peace and love.

I want to tell you, please,

after the 20th October,

do not send fan mail to any address that you have.

Nothing will be signed after the 20th October.

If that has a date on the envelope, it's going to be tossed.

I'm warning you with peace and love but I have too much to do.

No more fan mail. Thank you, thank you.

I like, "I'm warning you with peace and love."

And also - Ringo Starr has too much to do?

How did that happen?

Well, he's got all his anger management classes to go to.

I mean that... Also, he's got a little camcorder there.

He's sat in a corner and done it. It's not like he's got

a film crew in to make it, like he could afford it.

It's this angry old Scouser.

This thing about people thinking you're deaf, though, I think

the worst thing is when the fans seem like they might be deaf.

This is a fan of Mariah Carey,

who I think is having problems with her hearing.

Brilliant. That is brilliant.

OK. So, look, you argue very well, all three of you.

-I don't think I can put people who think you're deaf.

-I know.

I knew I wasn't going to win that one,

I would quite like this doll though.

OK. You're telling me you don't have a Sporty Spice doll?

I've got a houseful.

But you're not getting it, because I think it's just excitement.

People are so excited to see you, they forget themselves.

I like the password thing.

I think if there were more passwords, it would be a better world,

just to keep people out of everything, and it's inventive,

and it's good for the mind, as you get older,

to have things to remember.

But some of the renaming of stadiums is so tasteless and so awful

that I am going to put naming rights on stadiums into Room 101.

CHEERING

Well, we're nearly at the end of tonight's show,

but Gyles, you've been such a persuasive guest tonight,

I'm going to give you a chance at a bonus choice.

Now, what is the bonus choice of Gyles?

Acceptance speeches at awards ceremonies.

APPLAUSE

I just can't stand it. I can't stand it.

These narcissistic individuals getting up...

don't they realise everybody in the room is resenting them, hating them,

loathing them, because everybody else wanted to win and they've won?

And they go up, and they then, instead of taking it modestly,

saying thank you and slipping back to their seat, they blather on,

weeping, thanking their late relatives, mentioning their agent,

their mother, their grandmother, you - if they know you vaguely.

It's just not on.

-I mean, is this supposed to be you?

-They're all me.

They're all you, exactly.

As I said, narcissistic individuals...

I just can't bear it.

It just gets in the way of everything.

Can I ask though, Gyles, if you won an award and you went up

to get it, are you telling me that you wouldn't make a speech?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So what's the alternative? What do you think people should do

-when they win an award?

-Stand there for a moment, look happy, but modest.

Hold it. Maybe say thank you, and then go back.

On the subject of speeches, this is a speech.

This is welcoming the freshmen to Georgia Tech.

This kind of speech I would watch every day of the week.

In the words of Sir Isaac Newton, "If I have seen further,

"it is by standing on the shoulders of giants."

Georgia Tech is proud of its many traditions

but the one I find most exciting is...

MUSIC: "Also Sprach Zarathustra" by Strauss

..our tradition of excellence.

Our mission as students is not to follow in the footsteps

of the astronauts, Nobel Prize laureates and presidents

who graduate before us, but to exceed their footsteps,

crush the shoulders of the giants upon whom we stand.

We here are all such innovative people, so I am telling you...

if you want to change the world,

you're at Georgia Tech - you can do that!

If you want to build the Iron Man suit -

you're at Georgia Tech, you can do that!

IF YOU WANT TO PLAY THEME MUSIC

DURING YOUR CONVOCATION SPEECH LIKE A BADASS

- WE'RE AT GEORGIA TECH, WE CAN DO THAT!

I AM DOING THAT!

-That is brilliant, isn't it?

-I want to adopt him.

I've done a couple of speeches, and I think you're right,

they would be better if people got up,

grabbed the award and disappeared.

I am going to put award acceptance speeches into Room 101.

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Gyles, you were the most persuasive guest tonight, so...

I'd like to say something, but I can't.

LAUGHTER

Well, you are this week's winner, nevertheless.

Thanks very much, Adam Hills, Gyles Brandreth and Melanie C,

and thank you. Good night.