Episode 7 Room 101

APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests compete to condemn their deepest dislikes

to the dreaded room. Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are style guru, Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen,

actor, Charles Dance and comedian Andi Osho.

APPLAUSE

Right, then. Let's have our first category.

People. OK.

So, what kind of people wind up Andi Osho?

People who make up the rules in Monopoly.

LAUGHTER

It's a big problem. It's a growing problem, Frank.

-Is it?

-Yes, because, right, here's the thing, right.

Monopoly is like a really big deal in our house.

We play every year, like, er, Boxing Day

and Christmas Day we play.

We've got trophies. We've got trophies.

-We've got ENGRAVED trophies, mind you.

-Wow.

-Yeah.

So, like, you know, we play by the rules, but some people just...

they think they can just make them up.

Like there's one that people do where, like, your taxes,

like, that you're supposed to pay as you go round the board or whatever,

they say, "Oh, no, don't put them into the bank.

"Put them on free parking,

so the next person that lands on free parking gets the money".

That's the sort of thinking that got Greece up Poo-poo Creek, innit?

But surely making up your own rules,

as we found out in recent years, is what high finance is all about.

Yeah, and that's why we're, like, having so many problems.

Like chess, the rules are just the rules.

Like you can't play chess with someone

and then suddenly they put their pawn on top of the rook

and give him a gun and they can shoot all your pieces.

"Oh, no, these are the new rules of chess."

I always think if everybody in the room agrees, then it's fine.

-Yeah, but that's the problem. It's when...

-I've used that line before.

Fair enough if you all agree on the rules,

but the problem is when two households come together

to play Monopoly and they've got different rules.

-We're getting there.

-We've got some rules

that I don't think are strictly in the Monopoly rule book.

Do they involve taking off clothes?

-It's with my family, Laurence.

-Oh, OK.

We've got some famous people playing Monopoly pictures,

which I find interesting. It's such a cool game. Look at this.

Here's George Harrison...

who's been playing it so long his hip has sunk into the floor.

And here's my favourite, Queen playing Monopoly.

And, look, Brian May has brought his brother!

LAUGHTER

-So, it's a cool game, isn't it?

-It's a very cool game.

Do you guys play it?

When I was an art student, we, erm, we used to play Monopoly

on Sunday afternoons in this flat that rather resembled

the set of the Young Ones, actually, it was DISGUSTING, in Leicester.

And our landlord lived in the basement of the house,

and we used to invite him up to play on Sunday afternoons,

and he used to hang onto his Monopoly money when he was...

in lieu of the rent that we owed him!

Why is only one company allowed to make Monopoly?

That's what worries me about Monopoly in general.

Is the capitalist kind of...

Yeah, whereas people who make up their own rules suggest

that in the midst of it all, there's still some individuality.

Yeah.

OK. Let's see what Laurence doesn't like about people.

Gosh, look at that.

LAUGHTER

People that WEAR Hawaiian shirts.

It is the sort of person that feels that wearing a Hawaiian shirt

denotes that they can step outside responsibility, you know?

It's, "I'm on holiday the whole time. I don't need to bother.

"I'm going to wear something that is retina-punishingly colourful."

Let's have a look at an example of a celebrity in a Hawaiian shirt.

-There you go.

-Well, there we are.

They're like a holiday with sleeves.

Is it the floral, garish...

No, no, no, because I can see where you're going with that one. Oh, no.

In fact, I'd say they weren't floral enough, Frank.

-I'll show you floral, if you want.

-OK, go on, show me floral.

There we are.

APPLAUSE

See, the great thing about the Hawaiian shirt,

when I was in Hawaii, wearing one,

you can use them like those plastic meals in Japanese restaurants.

-If you can't speak Japanese, you point at the meal?

-Yeah.

So, you can stop a cab, point at a girl in a grass skirt,

a tree and a ukulele, and he'll just take you to the right place.

It's absolutely perfect. Are you familiar with this?

-No.

-This is a greeting in Hawaii.

At the end of Elvis: Aloha in Hawaii, he does that to the crowd,

and it means friendship, compassion, understanding and solidarity.

-Just from that?

-Isn't that incredible?

And the British version?

Nice one.

OK. You argue well.

So, what person doesn't Charles Dance like?

AUDIENCE BOOS

APPLAUSE

-This is the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

-Yes.

Mr George Osborne.

And, if Room 101 was bigger, I'd like him

and all his friends in the current government

to go into it as well.

APPLAUSE

Are you including the Liberal Democrats in this?

Might as well.

I mean, if we put him in Room 101 there'll still be someone in there

-he knows who'll get him a good table.

-Yes, absolutely. Yes.

Do you know, there's a Facebook page,

-which is the George Osborne Appreciation Society?

-Oh, really?

Yeah, let's have a look at that.

LAUGHTER

One like.

-He was on the Andrew Marr Show.

-Oh, yeah.

And, er, Keane were on.

-Are you familiar with the band, Keane?

-Yeah.

Well, I think it's a very interesting example, this,

of politicians on television.

Keane are playing. It's the end of the show.

Keane are playing, and the guests are still in their seats.

So, keep an eye on George.

There's Keane.

Now, this is the politician when he doesn't know he's on camera.

"What on earth...?"

And then, eventually, he realises that he IS on camera.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Get on down, eh? Oh.

You sort of feel sorry for him in his hopelessness in that case,

-don't you?

-No, I don't feel at ALL sorry for him.

To be fair, I think the thing is, you know, surely,

there's never going to be a Chancellor that you'll like.

I mean, that's...the job is always to be the panto villain.

He's basically King Banker, isn't he?

That's a euphemism.

Cockney rhyming slang, I think, actually, Charles.

But you particularly don't like this one?

I really can't dislike this man more than I do.

In his defence, erm...

LAUGHTER

He doesn't seem to really appeal to the young people, either.

LAUGHTER

OK, so we come to the end of that round.

I have to now... I have to carefully weigh your arguments

and decide who defended their case the best

and think it through and try and be fair.

So, I'm going to put George Osborne into Room 101.

CHEERING

Thank you.

Let's have our next category.

OK, it's the Wildcard round, so now there are no restrictions.

You can just pick anything at all that you don't like.

So, what is Laurence's wildcard?

Wow.

The pasty. The pasty is something

that I really do feel quite strongly about.

Why the pasty?

Because pasties, I think, not only look rather ugly,

they have the capacity to fill a train carriage

with the most unpleasant miasma

of kind of post-teen, cross-country run gym,

which is just so revolting.

Could I just say, I was brought up in the West Country,

and the pasty is very dear to my heart,

and you obviously have never had a really, really good pasty.

You've been among some very strange people.

I'm not... I'm not...you know, I'm not down on, er, you know,

on sort of good, straightforward, salt of the earth food.

I think pork pies are absolutely wonderful.

Actually, I have to say, I rather like a doner kebab.

But the pasty is like eating a middle-aged lady's handbag.

It's just a source of completely abstract,

gristly objects, that defy any kind of proper explanation.

I don't want to say you're being a bit snobby,

but you're being a bit snobby.

What about this? This is one for the romantics.

-It's the double pasty.

-Oh, God.

And what you do is that you...

I eat it from this angle,

and then my loved one eats it from that side.

What, over your shoulder?

-No, she...she's... Imagine we're having a slow dance.

-OK.

I'm eating the pasty from here, and she's eating it from that side.

Oh, that would be like that scene from Lady and the Tramp!

It would be lovely!

I recycle the crusts in all sorts of ways.

For example...

LAUGHTER

Waste not want not. I think they're lovely,

-and I'm not just saying that to take the other side of the argument.

-Mmm.

It's one of my favourite foods, because it's healthy.

It's got vegetables, but then it's in the fun housing of a pie.

Yeah.

To be fair, I think the vegetables are incredibly well disguised.

-But that's how I like my vegetables.

-As is everything in them.

-Can I just say, I'm a big fan of your lovely products.

-Oh.

I was looking at your pastry forks.

You could eat a pasty with one of these, could you not?

-I suggest you do.

-Can you imagine getting one of these out

-on the high street and eating a pasty?

-I don't need to imagine it!

Isn't that lovely?

That's Laurence in the middle there.

LAUGHTER

OK, then. What's Andi's wildcard?

Yes. OK.

LAUGHTER

Pebble beaches.

I love pebble beaches. What is it?

You can't do ANY of the stuff that you do at a sand beach.

Have you ever tried burying someone at a pebble beach?

It is NOT the same. You can't build a castle.

You can't lie on a pebble beach.

It's like being punched in the back by the Earth.

A pebble beach is NOT a beach.

I go to Brighton quite a lot. There's a pebble beach.

-That's not a beach!

-It is! Of course it is!

People eat ice cream on it. Can you get this?

And this is official.

The Crown Estate, that is basically the Royal Family,

are the majority landholders of the sea bed.

I don't know how far out they own it, but, yet, officially

I should get the permission of the Royal Family

to take a pebble home from Brighton.

So, does that mean, like, if, when people have a wee in the sea

that they're weeing, like, on the Queen's land?

Worse than that, they're relieving themselves on the Queen's bed.

LAUGHTER

Right, what he said.

Yeah.

You can do loads of stuff that you can't do on a sand beach.

You can't take a romantic walk on it.

It HURTS walking across pebbles.

But you're not wearing the right footwear.

What, like boots or something, like steel-cap boots?

I'll show you what I wear when I'm in Brighton, on the pebble beach.

People don't even know I'm wearing shoes.

LAUGHTER

See, it's got a hard bottom.

This is brilliant.

Yeah, it's lovely. I'm sitting out like this on the beach.

So, you have to basically look like a hobbit to survive on pebble beaches?

Well, that's one way. I'm not saying it's the only way.

I tell you what, one example, I'll say, where you win,

is the egg timer.

LAUGHTER

All right, you've got that.

You might win on the egg timer thing.

The only good thing you can do at a pebble beach

is you can skim stones,

which is people just trying to throw the stones back in the water

-and trying to find sand.

-Do you skim?

-I taught myself to skim.

-Taught yourself?

-Yeah.

-Not many people go on a course!

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I had a skimming tutor who used to come with me.

Here's someone who likes sand even more than you do.

Kelly Marie-Pierce got pregnant,

was watching her mother-in-law, changing sand in her parrot's cage,

and she said, "I kept getting this weird taste in my mouth.

"I knew I was craving for something

"but I couldn't put my finger on it, and when I saw her

"change the parrot's cage, I thought, I could just eat that."

Sand.

"I was getting through bowls and bowls of sand a day.

"I wasn't eating anything else but sand and sponges".

Here's a picture of Kelly Marie-Pierce.

When she said sponges, I thought she meant natural sponges from the sea.

No, she meant scouring pads.

That's what happens to people who like sand,

whereas you're not going to tuck into that, are you?

LAUGHTER

Oh, it's actually all right.

Is it all right? Well, maybe I take it all back then.

It's chocolate.

If there are any children watching at home,

not ALL pebbles contain chocolate.

You have to just keep trying them.

No, don't.

APPLAUSE

OK. What's Charles' wildcard?

MUTED LAUGHTER

National Health doctors' receptionists.

APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

-Oh!

Maybe not all of them, but most of them.

And they seem to assume that they are the gatekeepers

of the National Health Service.

A lot of them have this infuriating habit,

if you call and you want an appointment with your doctor,

which, of course you can't get when you need it, you know,

there's an appointment on Tuesday and you're ringing on Wednesday,

and you think, "Well, I might not be ill on Tuesday", you know.

And then they say, "What is it about?"

You think, "Well, it's none of your bloody business!

"I'll tell the doctor what it's about."

-I mean, to be fair to them...

-Yes.

I think that they probably need to tell the doctor in advance

what he's going to be treating you for so that he can Google it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I mean, I feel a bit sorry for them.

They must deal with some awkward customers.

-Not you, Charles, obviously.

-No.

I imagine you turning up and saying, "Fetch me an apothecary."

Also, correct me if I'm wrong, is one of the reasons

you don't want to tell them what's wrong, because you're Charles Dance

and you don't want them gossiping about what it is?

No.

Charles Dance sounds like a fake name anyway, so...

Not that it's not a nice name, but it does sound like

the sort of name you'd give at an STD clinic or something.

"Oh, Charles... Dance!"

It's funny you should say that,

because that is the name I always give at STD clinics.

Charles' reputation is in tatters thanks to me.

You always have to have a medical before you do a TV series

or a film, to make sure you're OK to get through it.

I had one recently and the man said,

"Can you drop your trousers and pants, please?"

And he sort of wedged his hand,

wedged it, like...

you know like when you're trying to get one more book on the bookcase?

Wedged his hand like that.

I don't know what he was testing.

He didn't ask me to cough.

He just stood like that, and he looked at me

and I looked at him, and there was a terrible silence.

I had a sense that the real doctor was in a cupboard, going...

LAUGHTER

So, we come to the end of that round.

You all argued very well.

The thing is, Andi, I've got such a romantic attachment

-to pebble beaches, and I don't like sand very much.

-Not beaches.

And pasties I really like as well.

I'm afraid, because I spend so much time on pebble beaches

eating pasties, I'm going to have to put NHS receptionists into Room 101.

GASPS

Controversial!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK. Next category, please.

Modern life. So, what doesn't Andi like about modern life?

Internet dating.

Well, you'd be glad to get a handsome young fellow like that,

-wouldn't you?

-If only that was what you got.

APPLAUSE

-If only.

-Oh, God, that's the applause of experience, there!

This is what you get.

LAUGHTER

You want to download that, but that's what ends up in your inbox.

I see. Have you dabbled in online dating?

I have dabbled, Frank, in the past.

The thing with it is, is, like, some of the things

that people write on their profiles, like you have to wade through

a lot of rubbish to get to the actual truth of what people mean.

Like, they write, "I love nights in, but I also love nights out".

Like, that's just what people do.

You know, "I love breathing in, but I also love breathing out".

Whoa, crazy!

A friend, who worked in Birmingham, he worked at a dating place,

and he said the most commonly ticked box was,

"What kind of person do you want?"

"Must not live more than five miles from my house."

-"Will NOT travel."

-Yeah.

I mean that is...that's like, "Yes, she is my soul mate,

"but I'm not getting two buses".

LAUGHTER

You can waste a lot of time on, you know, dating the normal way,

-can't you?

-Well, I mean I like the idea

-of just randomly meeting somebody.

-What you need is jury service.

LAUGHTER

-You don't mean the person on trial?

-No.

-Oh, right. You mean, like, the other 11...

-I meant my fellow jurors.

Oh, those guys.

Because if you started the relationship

you might be very tempted to say they're not guilty.

But what if they look like this guy?

I didn't realise that's how touchscreens worked.

Maybe what doesn't help is that the dating websites,

the questions that they ask don't really help you to really get...

because they're, like, really generic, like, you know,

"What books do you like? What films do you like?"

If they start to get specific, then you might, you know,

get to know someone how you would want to get to know them

-if you met them, like, in the flesh world.

-Mmm.

Like, erm, "What's wrong with you?"

I'm on there too, so I know that, you know,

I'm included in that, but I KNOW what's wrong with me.

They'll find that out when we move in together.

Well, I looked at... This is advice from a man called Craig Wax.

Right.

The senior vice president at Match.com and he says,

"Come up with a name that gives an indication

"of what you're all about," and this is what Craig says.

"So, for instance, if you like to ski and you like to cook,

"your username could be Skiing Chef.

"Right off the bat, you get a sense of what this person is all about."

LAUGHTER

Looking back, I don't know

if I should have gone for Irritable Catholic.

LAUGHTER

Right, what doesn't Charles like about modern life?

Automated reply things, generally, but one in particular.

Camden Council's automated paper service for parking fines.

OK.

You know, somebody has to do it, but this particular voice is, um,

just the least suitable.

Well, I tell you what, let's listen to it.

-You do that.

-This is the automated voice at Camden Council

if you phone up to pay your parking fines.

PHONE RINGS

'Welcome to the London Borough of Camden's

'automated telephone payment service.

'Enter 1 for a traffic or parking penalty,

'2 for other fixed penalties,

'3 for council tax,

'4 for housing rents,

'5 for business rates or bib levies.'

-Yeah...

-'If you want to speak to an operator,

'then press the star key on your telephone keypad now.'

-OK...

-'Please enter your...' DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

Whoa. So, I mean, it goes on a bit.

Yeah. There are no notes, I mean, no intonation at all. It's...

You're a tough audience though, Charles.

"Welcome to Camden Council automated parking service.

"If your account begins with a CU, please..." You think, "What?"

-How would you do it?

-You know, if you're going to get somebody

to do a voiceover for something, you know,

I mean find an out-of-work actor or, you know, Laurence is really...

Absolutely.

Do you know the weird thing about that Camden thing,

is the dude is not from Camden. Like, he's quite northern, isn't he?

He sounds quite sort of Coronation Street camp.

He's like, "Oh, hello, thanks for calling Camden Council."

Like, if you're calling Camden,

you want someone to sound like they're from Camden.

You want to ring up and have them go,

"All right, skunk weed, skunk weed, you want to buy some skunk?"

Right, what doesn't Laurence like about the modern world?

Beige.

Beige in all its gory,

in all its understated, delusional blandure,

and beige is very much attached to this idea

that you can't go wrong with beige, which is sort of true,

but then you can't go right with beige, either.

You can't do sexy with beige. You can't do exciting with beige.

But let me tell you all now - you cannot trust beige,

because it is basically just colour,

but just with the volume turned down.

We should now be embracing the full rainbow

that we have at our fingertips.

Inevitably, we did a survey a couple of years ago,

which was based on how the colour that you chose to have

in your bedroom affected your, er, romantic life.

And guess where beige came?

Absolutely at the very, very bottom.

Who's got a beige bedroom?

No-one is going to admit to it.

Oh, dear, Frank.

It doesn't make much difference when you're wearing a gimp mask.

No, exactly.

We found a Laurence beige footstool.

This is Woolworth's online you can get this.

-Did it actually say beige?

-That is beige.

Did it say beige? No.

But you can't make it not beige by calling it something else!

Listen, you can. It is not beige. That is sable.

Look it up!

Look at this. This is one of your cushions.

-That's beige. You've got to call that beige.

-That's not beige!

That's classic hearing aid beige.

I think you'd like this one.

What about...? This is...this is beige.

This is one of your headboards.

-Again, that is sable.

-That is beige!

Laurence, you have a lot of beige stuff.

I have a lot of sable stuff.

I tell you what, if you squint a bit,

that looks like Darth Vader standing in front of the Taj Mahal.

One thing that does get quite a lot of stick is beige food.

You know they say that you should eat a rainbow?

-Well, this is it.

-I have quite a lot of Smarties.

That is how you judge an unhealthy diet,

is to say he eats too much beige food.

-Like pasties.

-Like pasties.

-They're quite beige.

-I'd say they were sable.

I'll give you that one!

APPLAUSE

I have to say, you all argued very well.

I don't feel I can put online dating in,

because I think there's lonely people who are brought together,

-and it's a place...in the modern world...

-Fine.

As for Camden Council, I quite like getting an automated voice.

It makes me feel like I'm living in the 21st century,

like I'm talking to a crazy robot.

You know, I was pro-beige until you started,

but you've completely won me over with your crazy style guru ways.

-Hey!

-So I am going to put beige into Room 101.

Thank you very much!

Goodbye! Goodbye!

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Charles, you were tonight's most persuasive guest,

-so you're this week's winner.

-Bravo, bravo.

So, thank you very much to Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen,

to Charles Dance, to Andi Osho, and thank you, goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd