Episode 3 Room 101

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests battle to get the things they hate

entombed for all eternity in the notorious vault.

They'll have to argue their case well, because in each round

only one item can be chosen - the final decision is mine.

Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are Citizen Khan Adil Ray,

model citizen Katie Price,

and senior citizen Greg Davies.

APPLAUSE

So, time for another edition of the Great British Bellyache Off.

BELL DINGS OK, so what is Greg's choice?

Ah, that old chestnut.

I just think a dog...

A dog is of limited intelligence.

It's well-established.

There's an argument about whether they're sentient beings or not,

whether they have any awareness of self.

I can't be bothered to get into that argument.

They're dogs, OK?

There are people in my local park

who are having full conversations with their dogs.

They're going, "Oh, Coco, don't mess around in that bush",

and I think, "Coco doesn't know he's in a bush!"

Coco has no concept of what a bush is.

Coco is just trying to smell other dogs' wee,

and trying to find something to eat or have sex with.

There's a woman in my park who walks about five dogs,

and she's going, "Oh, Lulu, Lulu, don't play with Coco's stick.

"That's his stick".

Coco now has some concept of ownership?

It wasn't his stick anyway. I saw him.

He picked it up in the park!

And the same can be applied, while I'm on the subject, to toddlers.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I don't....

I've heard mothers in West London talking to two-year-olds going,

"No, no, no, don't play with that bowl,

"because you're going to spill food on the floor

"and someone is going to have to come and clean that up,"

-and the toddler is going...

-GREG GIBBERS

..because all they've got a concept of

is something they can ram in their mouth.

They have no concept of the...

I'm genuinely furious.

One of the worst things is

when people want to say something to their partner,

-but they say it to the baby...

-Yeah.

-..instead.

So, they say things... "Daddy's a bit grumpy today.

"I think he might be having an affair".

I don't like that.

But at least that's got a purpose to it, Frank.

At least that's someone communicating

with an intelligent being via a non-intelligent being.

If I see a man in a park say to his dog -

which I have done in the last two weeks -

"Are you tired?"

To a dog, "Are you tired?"

"Are you tired?" is a hair's breadth away from saying to a dog,

"Will you make me an omelette?"

Because I live on a farm, we've got three dogs,

and I have to say, they are very intelligent,

because they herd the sheep in, they get the geese in,

and you could say to a dog, "Go and get this, go and get that",

-and they do get it.

-Go and get what, though?

A Nando's or something?

But my dogs genuinely are intelligent.

Even if I go, "Kevin", like that,

he knows to get out the room and go...

Hold on. Hold on a minute.

So, one of them is called Kevin?

Yes. Kevin, Trevor and Vera.

I mean, just to be clear, these are definitely dogs?

Yeah. In a minute she's going to go, "Oh, no - that's my kids. Sorry".

You know, there are some people dye their dogs?

You see people who dye their poodles pink and stuff like this.

-Yeah.

-What about this?

I mean, how would you explain that to the dog?

I mean, he's just grasped the fact that he's inside a bush.

My sister and I dressed our dog up in my dad's underpants once,

when we were kids.

He had massive white underpants, and we put them on the dog,

and then we were all laughing.

We called the rest of the family out and we were all laughing at the dog.

This sort of contradicts what I've been saying, really,

because the dog went outside,

and we were all in hysterics as he went out in the underpants,

and he turned back and looked at us and he just filled them full of wee.

I swear he looked at us afterwards and went,

"Yeah? Funny now, is it?"

Must remember that as an excuse.

Tell the cleaner I tried them on the dog.

God, I remember, we had a dog, and it died, which is a sad story,

and my mum and dad were really, really upset.

My dad phoned me at work about it, and he was really upset,

but he said to me, "We let him out last night to do his business

"and we heard this splashing sound."

I said, "Well, you would."

And he said, "No, no, he fell in the pond in the garden."

He said, "And I had to take him...

"I had to give him artificial respiration."

By now, I'm really struggling on the end of the phone.

-Yeah.

-Like, I'm thinking this is getting more funny than tragic.

And then he said, "We found him this morning lying by the telephone."

And I said, "Do you think he was trying to phone an ambulance?"

Didn't go well.

And so, Katie's choice.

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

Parking does annoy me.

-Mmm.

-For one, it's always hard to find a space, and now,

when you do find a space, say if you want to pop in somewhere

for literally two minutes, you know, you can't even pay money now.

You have to phone a number

and then put in the code for where you are, and you spend, like,

ten minutes, or whatever, doing that, then giving your credit card,

and then sometimes it's like, oh, it didn't work,

and it's all automated.

So, it's easier just to go in and get a parking ticket.

It's just like, why can't they just keep it old-fashioned,

where you put your money in, or make it a credit card machine?

APPLAUSE

And then some machines now, you have to put your registration in.

I don't know my registration off the top of my head.

So then, what do you do then?

Look at the car.

It's normally got it on the front and the back.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And Dartford Tunnel. You can't just pay.

You now have to phone up before you go through that,

and if you don't, then you get a £75 fine.

Are you saying that you occasionally park in the Dartford Tunnel?

I have massive, massive problems with parking, I must say.

I'm not very good at it.

You know, people say to me,

"Oh, God, I forgot where I parked and I couldn't find the car".

For me, that doesn't happen.

I really know the place by the time I've parked.

I've made friends.

I've got those things. They just make me really anxious.

You know when you park in the car and you get that...

PARKING WARNING BEEPS

WARNING BEEPS URGENT

Oh, man! It is a nightmare.

I don't know why they couldn't make those... I've got those as well...

why they couldn't have made those bleeps a nice noise.

Why does it have to be that, "You're nearly there, you're nearly there"?

# La-la, la-la, la-la... # "Nearly there."

Why couldn't it be, "Little bit farther. Little bit...

-"I'd say, what, four inches?" Why couldn't it be...?

-Yeah.

Well, let's look at some parking. I think that's always good.

This is a very clever way of not parking on double yellow lines.

I think you'd have a pretty good case, wouldn't you, with that one?

Also, this thing on supermarket car parks -

people will park in the disabled spot,

or they'll park in a child and adult slot.

It makes me really angry,

when there's a much more obvious solution.

What I wanted to talk about was you -

we've got a picture of you.

This is Katie, parked...

That is a good party bus.

Is that a horsebox?

Yeah, I've got two. That's the big one.

It's good for nights out when you're with your mates,

because you play all your music

and have a drink on the way to wherever you're going

and on the way back, it's got beds, so you could get in your pyjamas,

take your make-up off and sleep on the way home.

Do the horses not freak you out a bit?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, so what's winding up Adil?

-Mine is be... Ooh!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Um, beards. Yes.

And more importantly, actually, specifically, hipster beards.

-APPLAUSE

-Yes, exactly.

You're talking about these trendy young men you see with the big beards.

But how can it be trendy, Frank, if everyone is doing it?

You go to parts of London, it's almost a requirement

to go to East London that you have to have a beard,

and I'm not talking about East London where all the Muslims are.

I'm talking about Shoreditch, you know?

I think there is also a requirement there to have a beard.

There is a requirement there!

I just don't see... You know, if it's supposed to be trendy,

how can it be trendy if everyone is doing it?

I just don't get it whatsoever.

And if it is about Muslims,

obviously, we've been cool for a number of years.

That's why we're front page all the time, I guess.

-Right!

-Yeah.

In case there's anyone watching this, thinking,

"What on earth is he talking about?

"Do young men have beards?" They do. It's become incredibly fashionable.

Here's an example of the hipster beards. There you go.

The guy on the right, I think, has got Beyonce hiding under his beard.

Is it just laziness? Is that all it is, really?

Is it lazy?

I think it's partly because the kind of guys who do it,

they're very modern young men,

and so, most of the signs of masculinity,

they're not allowed to show any more.

You know, if you look at a woman in a short skirt -

just a slight glance, you're a sicko.

If you hospitalise somebody on a pub car park,

you're seen as brutish.

Dog fighting is almost obsolete now.

So, the beard is one of the last symbols of masculinity

for these young men, so I think that's what it's about.

You don't think this is just you, you know,

getting a bit older and grumpier?

You're not that old, I know, but...

I'm not that old! No, it's not that.

I just don't understand it. I don't get it.

How can this thing catch on?

It's a trend, they're supposed to look cool,

they're supposed to look hip,

but you can't be, if everyone is looking just like you.

-My husband has got a beard.

-Oh, yes?

And I find the longer it is, the softer it is,

but there does get a point when a beard is not nice in certain areas.

Um...

I really hope you're talking about Essex.

One of the reasons... I think if you're going out with someone,

especially if you're just getting together,

it's quite good to have a beard.

I've lived with my partner now for many years,

and we've shared many, many personal moments,

but I will never let her watch me shave,

because I don't want her to see my shaving faces.

You know that... Once someone has seen you going...

-This is your shaving face?

-Yeah.

They can be a sign of wisdom though, don't you think?

Well, I guess.

-You know, in the East...

-Yes.

You know, these kind of lovely big, white beards you see on the guru.

You know, the guru.

These types.

You know, you see the bloke sitting there like this.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, we've come to the end of that round. Now, then.

-Decision time.

-Yes.

I don't feel I can put trendy beards in,

because I think it's important that

young people are allowed to make fools of themselves.

It's a long, time-honoured tradition.

People who talk to their dogs as if the dogs can understand them -

it's really annoying, I know,

but where would we be without stupid people?

In our line of work,

we'd be scratching around for things to poke fun at.

Parking... You're quite right.

There's so many things wrong with it.

I was parking recently in Whitstable, and I got...

There was one space in the whole of the town,

and I managed to park there, and someone came just...

and you know when people do that thing, and they say,

"Are you leaving? Are you leaving?"

And the joy of going, "No."

APPLAUSE

So, for all those many reasons,

I am going to put parking into Room 101.

-Yay!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Righty-o.

BELL DINGS

So, what's upsetting Katie?

Now, when I watch talent shows, it really does annoy me

when somebody comes on the show to audition,

and you know already, they're going to be rubbish.

-Mmm.

-And they've put them through rather than someone with talent,

-just to make it TV.

-Yes.

Like Britain's Got Talent.

I love the show, but you know, you get some that come on,

and you know they're rubbish, but they still put them through and say,

"Oh, you're really good."

It's not their fault, though, is it? It's not the rubbish people's fault.

-I suppose it's the TV people.

-It's the people who put them through.

Well, you could say it was their fault for being rubbish.

But they probably think they're really good.

It's like, just tell them the truth.

Jog on and just get someone on who's better.

One of the things they feel they have to do now is the sad story.

I hate sympathy.

As soon as the violins and bloody panpipes and that come in...

-Yeah.

-..it's like, "Here we go".

I could have really done with that when I was going to

Smethwick supplementary benefit office in the '70s.

TENDER PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

The thing is, I am actually looking for work.

It's just that, you know, it's so difficult.

There was a job recently, and I really...

I really wanted it, but, um, I couldn't afford the bus fare.

So, I know I've been on for nearly four years, but, er...

..but I am definitely available for work.

It's a "yes" from me.

There you go. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, so sob stories don't work with me either.

We've all had dramas in our lives.

So, wouldn't it be nice for someone to get through

without a panpipe or a violin?

-Get through because of your talent...

-Yeah.

..not to let people feel sorry for you.

What if your talent was the panpipes?

It can be absolutely marvellous, can't it?

There are moments on it which are great television moments.

-When Rylan found out...

-Oh, that was a classic.

When he found out that he'd gone through to the live shows,

it's one of the best things that's ever happened on television.

Rylan, it's such a big risk,

but I have to take it.

RYLAN SOBS AND CRIES OUT

You're lying!

Are you serious?

HE SOBS

APPLAUSE

There is a moment in that where he says, "Are you serious?"

What if she'd gone, "No"?

I get cramp like that when I've had a curry.

I think one thing that's happened

that's changed quite a lot in society, you could argue,

is there was a time you had to be 5' 8" to be a policeman,

and then they felt that was discrimination against shorter people,

so they got rid of that.

And I think there was a time

when in order to be a celebrity you had to have talent,

and that was discriminating against a lot of people.

And now, people, I think, want people who they recognise,

who are like them.

-You, Katie...

-I've got no talent, though.

No, and I respect you for that.

You, in many ways, were the trailblazer in this phenomenon.

I've been doing this for 30 years.

There's a lot of people out there sick of the sight of me,

but does that stop me? No.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK. Greg's choice.

APPLAUSE

I want to make it absolutely clear.

I'm not having a pop at the people

who check you in or check you out at hotels.

People who've welcomed me to hotels, and out of them,

have always been very lovely.

-Mmm.

-It's the process, and it's how long it takes.

I don't understand why I have to stand for hours...

watching someone type.

I've booked a hotel.

I've given all of my details when I booked the hotel,

so when I arrive, this is what should happen -

"Hello." "Hello."

-"What is your name?" "It's Greg Davies."

-MIMICS TYPING CLACK

"Ah, here's your key. It's up there."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-I don't know what...

-TYPING CLACKS

"Can you fill this form in?" "No, I've given you the details."

"Oh, all right, then."

It took me years of standing there watching

until I finally looked behind.

She didn't have a keyboard.

She had little castanets.

And checking out...

I've stopped checking out, and I encourage...

I want the nation to join me.

You don't have to check out.

-No.

-What?!

-I walk past now...

-I agree.

-I agree.

I walk past the desk with my card, I put it on the side,

and you can see them go...

ready with the castanets, and I go, "Bye."

"Are you checking out?" I go, "I just have!"

APPLAUSE

Even better, you don't even have to give them the card.

You can just walk straight out.

Oh, no. You've got to give them the card.

-Why have you got to give them the card?

-Recycling.

Every time you don't hand back a hotel card,

a dolphin dies.

The worst thing is, when you do check in,

and you've had all that rigmarole of checking in, you get your card,

you're on the 17th floor, you queue up for the lift,

you get in the lift, you eventually get to the 17th floor,

you find the room - it's always very confusing which way is your room -

you get to the door, and the key doesn't work!

-Yeah.

-How many times has that happened? Oh!

APPLAUSE

I fear it's going to happen a lot more for us after tonight.

I've got so many problems with hotels, I tell you.

The duvets are the thinnest duvets anyone has ever...

It's like sleeping under low-lying cloud.

Tell you what I don't like, though.

I don't like turning the... trying to run a bath,

turning the single tap and getting my arm soaked by the shower.

That's so true.

I don't like trying to plug my phone in at night to charge it,

-and the only socket being near the corridor.

-The other side.

I hate that thing when there are things out -

chocolate and fruit -

and you're not quite sure whether they're free.

The anxiety...

I will say to the man, "Are these things free?"

and if I'm with my girlfriend, she's always going... but I need to know.

What I don't like is when they say, "Can I help you with your luggage?"

so they carry it, and then they want, like, £2 or £3 tip.

You're not helping me, are you? That's not help.

I don't call that help.

They're basically saying,

"I'll show you how to open and close your curtains if you give me £3".

Or £5, depending on who the person is.

-Yeah.

-£3 is a bit mean, innit?

Well, I stay at quite small hotels, generally.

No, I do, because they're more excited to have me.

So, Adil's choice.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh...

-Ooh!

I knew this wasn't going to be popular, but it is ketchup.

I just find the thing vile. It's so overpowering.

I mean, it's like, you know,

I don't see the point of having any food at all -

just have the ketchup,

because it takes over the flavour of any chips you might get.

I mean, that's the reason why you go to a late night kebab joint

and he'll make sure he's put lots of ketchup on it,

because he doesn't want to let you taste

how badly prepared the food is.

I just think it's a real vile, vile thing

that overtakes and overpowers decent, quality food.

Either you should eat better or not eat ketchup.

Wow! FAINT APPLAUSE

No real enthusiasm with that applause.

The trouble is with this is

that ketchup tastes better than most food.

Well, eat better food!

No. There is no better food.

There is better food! Cook better.

I don't think, "Oh, I fancy some chips."

-I think, "I fancy some ketchup."

-Just have the ketchup!

What am I going to use to transport it to my mouth?

I think the mistake people make is that they put it on fast food.

They put it on chips and burgers and stuff, and they taste great anyway.

What you need to do is put it on healthy food, which tastes terrible.

Let me give you... If you took, like, a healthy plate of stuff,

like lettuce and stuff, nobody likes that.

Nobody.

But, you take lettuce, you put a bit of ...

-Ugh.

-There you go. Better.

Oh, dear!

What have you become, Mr Skinner?

-That's really nice.

-Oh!

APPLAUSE

My mother, she's a real good cook

and if you know anything about Asian cooking, it takes such a long time,

it's delicate, and it's all the spices, all the preparation.

You marinate it, you leave it in the fridge for four hours.

She does this, and she loves doing it,

and she'll do this all day, and the family will come round,

my uncles and my cousins will come round.

She'll bring out this biryani and samosas

and these lovely, fine kebabs,

serve onto the table, they'll turn around and go,

"Oh, they're nice. Have you got any ketchup?"

I mean, that's horrible! My poor mother slaves,

and they just want to devour this thing with ketchup!

I don't use condiments much, because I'm a Catholic.

We have a clip.

There was a competition staged

to come up with an inventive way of putting ketchup on food

and two American guys came up with this.

This is pretty impressive stuff.

APPLAUSE

Fine dining at its best, isn't it?

When you put ketchup on chips, do you go all over the chips,

or are you one of those people who does a little pool at the side?

-On the side, a little pool.

-Oh, do you?

-Always on the side.

-You've really got sophisticated.

-But not on shepherd's pie and that. Then that goes over it.

-No.

You see, I love going all over the chips,

and then I'll look and there's the chip that's completely covered,

-the one that's completely escaped it.

-Yeah.

But the people who put it... I don't like...

This is the sort of thing we're talking about.

You put it on the side like this.

If I've got egg and chips and that, then I'll do that, yeah.

To me, this looks like an artist's palette, you know,

with the pool of... You could imagine,

if you could get your thumb through the...

You could paint.

See if I can...

So, you could actually... You could paint.

This won't take a minute. I do this quite a lot at home.

Hold it. Just the finishing touch.

What do you think?

APPLAUSE

-Not bad.

-Very good.

And in fact, just for you, just to make it that little bit...

-You can have this for your home, Adil.

-Oh, thank you very much.

Very cool. Very cool.

OK.

So, we come to the end,

and I can't put ketchup in.

I just can't put ketchup in, because it brings such joy to the people,

and your basic argument seemed to be that you don't like it.

Yeah!

Katie, I cannot put people without talent on talent shows in,

because you're such good company.

No, I think part of the joy of it is seeing people who are...

It's like a karaoke night.

Some people are brilliant and some people are terrible,

and I like that mix, I must say.

But, Greg, I don't see why we can't just walk in, press a button,

go to our rooms, walk out, press a button and leave.

Wouldn't life be simpler?

And then, the people at the desk would be able to do

more fun and interesting things...

-I agree.

-..than badger us for our personal details.

-So, I am going to put check-ins and check-outs...

-Yes!

..into Room 101.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Greg, you were the most persuasive guest,

-so you are this week's winner.

-Thank you.

-Well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks very much, Greg Davies, Katie Price and Adil Ray,

and thank you, goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE