Best Bits Russell Howard's Good News Extra

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS ADULT HUMOUR AND SOME STRONG LANGUAGE.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed.

Hello...hello...hello

and welcome to my Christmas edition of Good News Best Bits.

We've covered a lot of stories.

Here are some of my favourite ones. Enjoy!

Probably the biggest story of the summer -

sexual icon Eamonn Holmes

can make women orgasm just by saying their name.

..where she is. Morning, Isobel.

Ohh!

LAUGHTER

Over in Russia, this newsreader was caught in the act.

If you're planning to interrupt someone on the news,

this is how you do it.

HE MIAOWS

HE BARKS

LAUGHTER

HE OINKS

A human who makes an animal noise?

If only there was an animal who makes human noises?

Perhaps a cat who could say "No"?

No, no, no, no, no!

And finally,

it may just be me, but I think this bloke's in love.

I don't think so, actually.

# Never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight

# Never seen you shine so bright

APPLAUSE

So the big news for me, was this.

LAUGHTER

I broke my hand!

In case you didn't see what happened,

last week, basically I broke it doing press-ups

on a breakable stool.

CHEERING

LAUGHTER

I love that.

APPLAUSE

Not "aaah".

CHEERING

I thought you were going to go "aah" and you all applauded.

LAUGHTER

Weird lot. Oh, look, he can barely move his hand!

I was in agony!

Still, you can rely on your mates in a crisis.

Here's some texts I received minutes after the news broke.

Here's one from my mate, Steve.

And my personal favourite,

came from my filthy toad of a brother.

LAUGHTER

Cheers, bruv!

One of the saddest stories from the week

was the death of Jimmy Savile.

The veteran radio DJ and television presenter,

Sir Jimmy Savile, has died.

I was gutted. He was great.

You don't get people like him on TV any more. He looked amazing.

Like a cross between Gandalf,

Boris Johnson and Vicky Pollard.

Now, some of you probably don't know why he was famous. Check this out.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Jim'll Fix It.

# There must be something that you always want to do

# The one thing that you always wanted to...

'He was the man who made dreams come true.'

Damn right, he did.

Basically, kids used to write to him

and ask him to make their dreams come true,

and back then, their dreams were insane.

'Dear Jim, please could you fix it for me, to be a suitcase

'and go on the luggage conveyor at an airport.'

That is children's TV!

Forget Dick and Dom.

"Can I be a suitcase?"

Damn right, you can!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

"I'm a suitcase!

"This is amazing!

"People said I should have asked Jim to play football at Wembley.

"Dicks!"

The only criticism I have of Jimmy,

he never answered my letter.

Dear Jim,

can you fix it for me to look less like Harry Potter?

LAUGHTER

Mind you,

those glasses got me a lot of ladies!

Dinner ladies!

Next up, it's all been kicking off at a farm in Basildon.

Police and bailiffs are now in almost total control of Dale Farm

after storming the illegal travellers' site at dawn.

There were violent clashes as bricks and missiles were thrown

and the police responded with tasers.

Did anyone see the protesters on the scaffold?

'It pretty much means that

'the police have taken control

'of the lion's share of Dale Farm.'

I was watching it, thinking,

"Where have I seen that before?"

VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Over in Europe,

the big news was all about money.

'Greece's political crisis continues.

-'Stock markets tumble.

-Investors and markets panic.

'The stakes could not be higher.

'Prime Minister Papandreou agrees to step down.

'Buried under Eurozone debt,

'Italy's Prime Minister says he will resign.

'Austerity might bring the Eurozone to its knees.'

The leaders of the G20 met to solve the financial crisis.

They were all totally focussed.

Well, not all of them.

He fell asleep!

Italy has debts of 1.6 trillion!

And he went beddy-byes!

Bizarrely, he's not worried about the economy or sex scandals.

This is honestly his major concern.

He is bringing out an album of love songs!

His country is crumbling and he's going,

# They call me Mr Boombastic...#

Mind you, for all me criticising him,

I can't wait for that album to come out.

ITLAIAN STYLE MANDOLIN MUSIC

MUSIC: "Sexyback" by Justin Timberlake

'It's here! Now That's What I Call Bunga Bunga 69...

'Berlusconi's big thumbs-up to his favourite vanga beats,

'featuring classic love songs like...

'and the haunting ballad...

'Bunga Bunga 69!

'It's Viagra for your ears!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now over to Egypt

and an insane story about a bloke who resembles a dead man.

'An Egyptian man shares an unfortunate doppelganger,

'executed Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein.'

They're not lying. Check this out.

So you're probably thinking, "Now Saddam's dead,

"I doubt his life is that bad."

Unbelievable, isn't it?

Nobody sees that coming!

LAUGHTER

Who does that bloke look like? Know what we could make him do.

Yeah!

Saddam Hussein porn.

Can you imagine the trailer?

'70s STYLE DISCO MUSIC

'We thought he had weapons of mass destruction,

'turns out he had a weapon

'of ass destruction.

'Saddam Hussein is...

'The Dick-tator.

'Coming soon!'

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Take a look at this sex shop in Russia.

'Casanova 69

'is offering kids and adults the chance to win an unspecified gift

'if they can answer one simple question -

'where do babies come from?'

That's right. A Russian sex shop is offering children

an 'unspecified gift',

if they can tell them where babies come from.

I mean, makes obvious sense, don't it?

Remember when you were little,

how much you wanted something from a sex shop?

I remember Christmas.

Dear Santa,

please can I have some crayons,

a bike

and a vibrating butt plug?

LAUGHTER

I never got that bike!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm worried by this news.

If sex shops are trying to appeal to kids,

how long before we start seeing children's TV shows,

like this?

Hi, kids!

I'm Mr Dildo!

'Where's Mr Dildo hiding today?

'Is he in Mummy?'

'Is he in Daddy?'

'Where, oh where, could Mr Dildo be?'

CROCKERY RATTLES

LAUGHTER

'Mr Dildo...

'you are naughty!'

TUBA PLAYS IN KIDS TV STYLE

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

A new book has been published this week about X-rays,

showing the many varied things that people have inserted into their arseholes.

'The X-rays are all in a new book called

'Stuck Up! 100 Objects Inserted and Ingested

'In Places They Shouldn't Be.

'Everything from a computer mouse to a cassette tape,

'this string of Christmas lights,

'and this is Barbie - but it isn't her Dream House she's in.'

She was NOT happy!

SCREAMING

The worst thing - this book...

LAUGHTER

..this book was written by doctors.

'It's co-authored by this emergency room physician and two other doctors.'

Bastards!

"Hey, Doc - you're not going to tell the world about me

"putting a doll up my arse, are you...?" "Oh, NO...!"

"I'd never do that."

"Have a look at that, Dave, it's like a yawning hippo."

So - what's the No.1 excuse people come up with in this situation?

"I accidentally fell on an object" -

that's probably the most common accidental story you'll hear.

'And who hasn't sat on their glasses, really, really hard,

'while nude(?)'

Exactly. So - what was the doctors' favourite?

'But the favourite found objects are action figures -

'poor Buzz Lightyear...'

GROANING

"To infinity and..." What the fuck is that?!

LAUGHTER

"Aaaaaaaaagh!"

"All right, Barbie?"

LAUGHTER

That was their favourite - THIS was my favourite.

'A more recent X-ray displays an iPod Nano.'

That's what happens if you play this out loud on the Tube.

# Baby, baby, baby, ohhh... #

"Come here, you little sod!"

We'd all do it. We'd all do it.

In a worrying discovery for women...

So basically, girls, you can do whatever you want to look pretty...

but at 10:03 in the morning, it will all fade.

To be honest - I've noticed that myself.

RINGING PHONES, TAPPING KEYBOARDS

Hey... How you doin'?

How YOU doin'?

HE GASPS

SHE SCREAMS HIDEOUSLY

LAUGHTER

What's happening?!

I've been angry in my time, but I've never made a noise like this.

They should be saying,

"It's your show next month, can we put up a couple of signs for you?"

I mean... INEFFECTUAL LAUGH

HE MIMICS HIM

Is it me - or do some people really fear the North of England?

A woman from Otley has been telling how passengers screamed in terror

as their plane tried to land at Leeds-Bradford Airport.

LAUGHTER

"No-o-o-o-o-o! Not Leeds!"

If you report from a windy pier, you get what you deserve.

But if there's a big wave, I am going to step out just slightly...

And finally - Denise Roberts has got a terrifying stare.

Leave us to get on with it...

When you see it a second time, it gets even scarier.

Leave us to get on with it.

MUSIC: "Carmina Burana" by Carl Orff

An old lady has been the victim of a strange robbery.

Yes, the moral is do not mess with 70-year-old Barbara Gamston -

and keep your hands off her meerkats.

Back where they belong, in the arms of Barbara.

This trio of meerkats mean a lot to her.

Someone has stolen an old lady's plastic meerkats.

Look at the blow-the-budget Hollywood-style way

they show this terrible crime.

'And unbeknownst to Barbara,

'spirited away to a house a couple of miles away.

'But a tip-off from a friend led her to them.'

They sellotaped it to a camera...

If you think the way they showed it was good...check out what

Barbara said when she found out someone had nicked

her beloved meerkats.

"When my daughter Samantha came she said, 'Mother - your meerkats have gone.'

"So, I politely said, "Blow me."

LAUGHTER

"Well, we CAN do that, Mum, but...

"should probably just get the meerkats."

It's such an amazing reaction to a crisis.

-"The meerkats are gone - blow me."

-LAUGHTER

So where were the meerkats?

Well, it turns out they were spotted in a garden three miles away.

Check out what this wonderful woman did to get them back.

An SAS raid?! "Margaret, cover me. Linda - fetch the zip wire."

"If I die...tell Titchmarsh I loved him."

Despite her plan, there was a tragic incident.

'Sadly, not all of them made it. The trio was once a quartet.

'One meerkat was chewed to pieces by an unfriendly dog during the escapade.'

No-o-o-o-o-o-o!

"They've got Roger..."

I loved you SO much, Roger."

"I loved you too."

"But I fear death has come for me."

"You can't die, Roger, you can't die...

"Don't tell the others... but I think you were my favourite."

"Barbara...have you learnt nothing?

"You must never compare the meerkat."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Never com..."

To be honest...we shouldn't feel sorry for Roger -

I found some extra footage from the news,

and before the dog got him, he had quite the adventure.

Not tonight, pal.

Aaargh!

PULSATING DANCE MUSIC

LAUGHTER

DJ ASSAULT: # Ass...titties, ass'n'titties

# Ass, ass, titties titties, ass'n'titties #

Rest in peace, Roger.

Now for a part of the show called the People's Podium.

There's some people who couldn't get in the audience.

If they impress me with their questions, they can join us.

If they don't - I'm going to feed them to the lions.

So - let's meet our first speaker on the People's Podium!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Hello...

-What's your name, my friend?

-Fionnula.

Fionnula! That's a cracking name. And what's your question?

Erm, I am setting up shop with a friend, making cakes and things,

-Cakes, yeah...

-How inappropriate would it be

if we called ourselves "Two Girls, One Cupcake"?

LAUGHTER

It sounds like a winner, doesn't it?

But I fear...you wouldn't get JUST people looking for cakes.

I like the question, though - "Two Girls, One Cup"... One CupCAKE.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, yeah...? Join the audience.

Who's next?!

-Hello!

-That was a pretty smooth start.

-Has to be done.

-You look like a darts player.

-A darts player?

Not a very good darts player.

-Dibble and dabble now and again.

-See, I like you already.

Can you turn sideways so it's like you're shouting the question out of a van?

"Oi, Howard...!"

-LAUGHTER

-Go on, do it.

LAUGHTER

"Oi, oi!"

Hello...

What's your question, my friend?

With reports that the Olympics are set to go well over budget,

what events would you get rid of, and why?

I would, erm...I'd get rid of the opening ceremony, for a kickoff.

The rest of it, I'm quite looking forward to.

So, with regret, I'm going to have to feed you to the lions.

Sorry. But you're a good guy. I hope they treat you well.

-Cheers, mate.

-Sorry. I'm sorry.

-AUDIENCE: Awww...

That's pretty awkward, isn't it, pretty...

SNARLING Aaaaaaargh!

"Burberry..."

-Hiya, man. How you doing?

-'Allo!

-Oh, I like you.

What's your name? I like THAT...

You're like a really, really happy Wallace and Gromit.

LAUGHTER

What's your question, friend?

Secretly, which celebrity's phone would you like to hack?

Which celebrity's phone would I like to hack? Boris Johnson.

Is the one-word answer. Nobody wouldn't enjoy that...

HE MIMICS BORIS

Oh, I'm going to pour myself a whisky and really enjoy this.

-How about you, who would you hack?

-You.

Me?! Do you know what happened, when the News of the World scandal came out, my brother

genuinely was leaving messages on my phone.

Hoping the papers would get hold of it.

And saying some pretty appalling things like

"Was that you I seen outside Baby Gap? Yeah?

"Banging your cock against the window?"

-LAUGHTER

-Delete, delete!

I wasn't doing it - no, I wasn't...

-Would have been good for the laughs.

-How?!

"It's the chuckling paedo..." That's a bit of work.

LAUGHTER

Again, I enjoy you - come through, you're nice.

That's the end of the People's Podium. Please give it up for all my guests!

CHEERING

Now, do you remember the lady from a couple of weeks ago who had her meerkats stolen?

If you don't - here she is.

So, I politely said, "Blow me."

She's written me a letter. When I first got it I was terrified,

I said, "Oh, God, she's going to be really upset..." Oh, no!

"Dear Russell..." This woman is 80, right? "Dear Russell.

"I pissed myself laughing at you

"taking the piss out of me and my meerkats."

LAUGHTER

"I am as blunt as you can be - and less of the old woman, I'm only 80.

"I've got 29 grandchildren, 42 great-grandchildren.

"One more thing - could you pay me back, for being on TV,

"and buy me a meerkat, to replace the one the dog got?"

LAUGHTER

"And I will blow you any time."

LAUGHTER

So what did I do...?

I got her a meerkat.

LAUGHTER

So I guess what I'M saying, Barbara... no-one else, just you and me...

-I've kept MY side of the deal.

-LAUGHTER

Now, as an end-of-series treat, the production team have found me somebody special to interview,

and I have to find out who it is. Last year it was Jet...

so please welcome my Mystery Guest!

Hello, Santa.

Hello, Russell.

You've got a much better chair than me.

Look how shit my chair is!

-Suits you.

-Thanks.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if Santa was that witty?

"You're a dick, you're not getting anything. You're probably adopted. Next!"

OK. Are you someone from my childhood?

-I think so, yeah.

-OK.

Yeah, from what I've heard.

Holy shit, I know who you are. Fuck, you're John Barnes, aren't you?

I've just changed my voice once and you got it.

Yes!

You're supposed to be asking me questions.

You're supposed to be asking me questions to find out who I was.

But I knew.

-The voice gave it, didn't it?

-Yes.

-I got too comfortable.

-You gave it away. It was beautiful.

-I tried to be like Frank Bruno at first.

-It was beautiful.

-I just got too comfortable with you.

It's a genuine pleasure to meet you.

-They showed me pictures of you in your Liverpool kit as a young boy.

-Yes.

That's me, yeah.

I'm too old to be wearing the full kit there, aren't I?

That's the '96 kit, so I'm 16 years old in the garden,

playing football on my own.

I'm slightly star-struck.

A lot of people might not know because you've got a very young audience.

My children are here with me, by the way. My big ones.

They're 26, 22, 18, 15, 5, 4 and 1.

The big ones are here. They took time off work especially.

One's a doctor and he said "I'm not going into work today."

So there may be some dead people up north!

And it's our fault. That makes me feel really bad.

A lot of people might not know me.

I'll just show you something of what I've done in the past.

It better be that goal in 1984. Let's do this.

Wonderful, that's worth a round of applause!

Are you a Liverpool fan?

I am. I still live in the area. I've been there for 10 years, so that's my team.

What was the highlight of your career?

-Winning my first League Championship with Liverpool.

-What year was that?

1988. 1987-88.

-How many League Championships?

-I won three League Championships.

Pretty cool!

Not only was John an incredible footballer, but we didn't even mention the rap.

You can hit them and hurt them, defend and attack...

-Funny you should say that.

-Have we got that as well?

This is the other reason why John Barnes is incredible.

# You've got to hold and give but do it at the right time

# You can be slow or fast but you must get to the line.

# They'll always hit you and hurt you, defend and attack.

# There's only one way to beat them, get round the back... #

-A little birdie told me you know the words.

-I know the words. Let's do it!

I'll do the first verse, if you do the second verse. OK, here we go. Let's go.

Bit of rhythm. Here we go. Ready?

# You've got to hold and give but do it at the right time

# You can be slow or fast but you must get to the line

# They'll always hit you and hurt you, defend and attack

# There's only one way to beat them get round the back

# So catch me if you can cos I'm the England man

# And what you're looking at is the master plan

# We ain't no hooligans, this ain't a football song

# Three lions on my chest I know we can't go wrong

# We're singing for England Eng-er-lund!

# We hope this year will be the one... #

-And I bought you a present.

-Thanks very much.

You can open it now.

Thank you so much for coming on my show.

It's a pleasure. The kids love it.

I remember when I was 10, I remember watching you play.

Mate, how good is this?

I got this out of the loft.

It is from 1996.

It is Sky Sports Mr Nice Guy Award.

It doesn't look much like me, but there you go. Merry Christmas!

Honestly, thank you so much.

Thank you very much indeed.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the wonderful John Barnes!

It's Saturday night, it's time for my stand-up guest.

Now, this man is very funny. His eye is also lazier than mine.

So please welcome the brilliant Mr James Dowdeswell.

CHEERING

-Hello. AUDIENCE:

-Hello.

-Are you well?

-Yes.

My name's James.

The more observant of you have probably spotted already

I grew up in a village.

My village has got a nuclear power station.

And no blooming hairdressers.

And the thing is, it's not fair,

because like, a black guy with an afro looks damn funky.

A white guy with an afro, physics teacher.

It's very nice doing stand-up.

A lot of comedians get heckled on the stage.

I'll be honest with you guys, I get heckled in the street. It's true.

I was in Bristol last week. I was at Bristol Parkway train station.

Little kid about ten.

You know the ones that look like they were born in JD Sports.

They're not athletes, but they're running from something. Innit?

He looks at me, this little lad, and he goes,

"'Ere, mate, you a train spotter, eh? You a train spotter?"

I was so angry, I nearly missed the C591B.

Little tinkers.

I wasn't showing off at the start, I did grow up in a village.

A lovely little village about ten miles north of Bristol, called Inbredbury.

It's weird. I'll tell you how weird my village is.

The other week, I was walking through the woods and I came across

a group of kids being chased by a middle-aged man in his underpants.

So naturally, I called the police.

Turns out it wasn't a pervert after all,

but a PE teacher who had forgotten HIS kit. What a village.

The other thing you should know about my village is my village

is the next village to someone called Russell Howard's.

The reason me and Russ are quite similar

is we have both got lazy eyes.

Can you see that, madam?

I'd be surprised, I'm talking to you.

Hello.

It's the left eye that wanders.

Two years ago, in a bizarre twist of fate,

I actually went out with a girl with a lazy eye.

It was embarrassing. We didn't know where to look.

In the end, it just got ridiculous,

so we decided to go our separate ways and bumped into each other.

Got them on. I live in London now. I live with my friend Dom in Tooting.

I don't know if you've heard of Tooting.

The estate agent described it to me as "vibrant".

I think she's dyslexic. She meant to say "violent".

I'll tell you how bad it is.

I used to live in a flat above a kebab shop called Kebabish.

Even they're not sure what the hell's in it.

"It's sort of like a kebab, mate, innit."

These days, I shop in Asda.

I don't know if anybody here shops in Asda.

The best thing about it, the reduced-to-clear section.

The only problem is, they keep moving it.

So you have to find the sticker man.

You know the sticker man? And you just follow him around the shop.

He's like the Pied Piper of Hamlyn.

And you get there and there's all the cheap stuff.

You know it's the cheap stuff, they've got yellow stickers

and they say things like "4.99... Whoops, 1.99." I love that.

It's like they've made a mistake.

In Lidl, they've got a similar situation.

They got orange stickers. On those, "4.99... Ah, sod it, 9p."

I love Lidl. I actually got ID'd in Lidl, can you believe it?

Admittedly, I was buying three litres of cider

and some Munch Bunch yoghurt.

It was a Tuesday night. I was treating myself.

So I'm liking London. The only thing is, nobody speaks to you in London.

I'm sure the people from outside will agree.

The first person to speak to me properly, a homeless guy.

I'm sat in the park reading a book, just reading a book.

And a West Indian fella with massive dreadlocks came up to me

with the best opening line I've ever heard.

He comes up and he goes "Ey, man,

"if you don't give me £1, I'll tell you the end of that book."

"Where were you when I was doing my GCSEs?"

He's a lovely fella. You guys would like him.

He's called Bartholomew and every time I see him,

I always buy him a beer. But I only get him one, because after one,

he tends to get a bit mischievous.

I spotted him standing outside a DVD store

spoiling the ends to movies for money.

I'm walking past and I could hear him go, "Rocky wins".

"Dumbledore dies."

"They find Nemo."

"And the cowboys bum each other."

I like the homeless people. They've had a hard time.

It's the little kids that annoy me, right? I'll give you an example.

This morning, I'm at my bus stop. One kid turned to another and went,

"Yeah, like, back in the day, yeah? Back in the day."

I thought, what do you mean, "back in the day"? You're ten!

What you mean is "last Tuesday".

I wouldn't say that to them, obviously.

They're tough. I'll give you an example.

I was in my local sports centre, I'm about to go for a swim,

just putting a coin in the locker.

Little kid, ten, comes up to me,

"Give me that pound for locker, man. Lock-er, lock-er, lock-er.

"You know what I'm saying?"

"No! I haven't got a bloody clue."

"Why are you talking like that, you're white?"

He looks at me, this little foetus, he goes,

"Give me that pound for locker, man. Craig David, Craig David."

"Give me that pound for locker, or I'll stab you."

"What? You're ten!"

And you're wearing your swimming trunks.

I thought, "Where have you hidden the knife?"

This is the best bit, his mom has obviously...

He's got these red Bermuda shorts on, his mom has sewn a 10m badge.

Aw.

"I'm thinking, "Try and stab me, sunshine,

"I'm hiding in the deep end."

He put his armbands on, kicked the shit out of me.

So, we've had riots, and the Government don't know what to do about it.

Who's in favour of national service?

Exactly. Nobody wants that. It's ridiculous.

A lot of these kids are naughty enough as it is

without giving them guns and the skills to use them.

I think the last thing we need

is an Army major in an inner-city school going,

"Good afternoon, children, I am Major Carruthers,

"I am here to instruct you in the art of urban warfare.

"First of all, synchronise your ringtones to Snoop Dogg - That Bitch Ain't Shit.

"Today's mission is to take over the top deck of a London night bus.

"In this case, the N155 to Morden.

"To do so, I suggest you use such intimidatory tactics

"as hissing, spitting and calling your momma a ho.

"That's right, a ho.

"If successful, why not just rip up the seats,

"put a few chips on the floor and tag the windows in Latin.

"'Et tu, Dizzee Rascal? Et tu?'

"If successful, you will be honoured with an Asbo, so fix up,

"look sharp, 21 seconds to go, geezers dismissed."

APPLAUSE

Thank you. Very kind.

They say stroking a beard makes you look intelligent,

as long as it's your own beard.

If it is somebody else's, you're in trouble.

This afternoon, before coming here, I decided to go clothes shopping.

I tried on a pair of skinny, twisty jeans,

to see what I'd look like with rickets.

That's me with ricketts.

I like a drink, ladies and gentlemen - I'll tell you how much.

Last week, I phoned the Alcohol Advice Centre and said,

"I got a drink problem," and they said, "How can we help?"

I said, "What wine goes best with Coco Pops?"

Rose, apparently.

So, I've got a car, and I don't really drive in London -

not for eco-reasons, I just don't want to lose my car parking spot.

It's outside my house. I don't think I'm going to move it again.

It's right outside Kebabish.

I get paranoid on the road. I was on the M4 the other night

and I saw a sign that said "Tiredness can kill, take a break."

I thought that's all I need, death threats from Kit Kat.

I like the West Country home-made signs by the farms,

things like, "Raw manure, pound a bag."

I've tried some, good shit.

Oo-arr.

The last time I went back to Bristol,

I actually got stuck in a road-rage situation.

I'm driving along quite nicely and a blue car decides to overtake me.

I don't know if you know much about cars, right,

but those blue ones, pretty quick. My little red one could not keep up.

I don't want to show off on the mean streets of Hammersmith,

but I was doing 37 in a 30. I couldn't give a shit.

Like that.

You guys have been looking at me for a while -

we've all established I am the sort of geezer you wouldn't mess with.

If only, because you don't know where I'm looking.

At the traffic lights, this guy gets out of the car and walks toward me.

This bloke's not like me. He's a proper man.

He's one of them blokes, you see them on Saturday afternoon in the shops.

Big body, little legs. Usually bald.

Big body, little legs. I've never understood that look.

Maybe they've been to the gym and they've just had time

to do their top half. "Rah!"

CAMP: "Oh, hello."

It's like half Rambo, half Alan Carr.

He knocks on the window, modern car, right.

He goes, "'Ere, mate, what do you think you're doing?"

I said, "Just got a bit excited." "Chill out, mate, have this."

I looked down, he's given me a spliff.

Yeah. I'll be honest, guys, I don't smoke pot myself,

but my hairdresser does.

I thought, I'll give that to Rafael.

As I drive off, this strange guy waves to me

so I naturally wave back.

I don't know what the opposite of road rage is,

but it can't be road love.

That's dogging, isn't it?

That's the park-and-ride scheme we've heard so much about.

So I continue driving, got this spliff on the passenger seat.

It's not the weirdest thing I've had on the passenger seat.

I drove to a party, the wing mirror fell off.

Being a practical man, I gaffer-taped it on,

left the gaffer tape on the passenger seat.

At the party, met a beautiful girl.

I said, "would you like a lift home?" She said, "Yes."

Like a gentleman, I opened the car door,

she looks in, sees the gaffer tape...

Sees me, and thinks, "Bloody hell,

"I'm about to get bummed by Screech from Saved By The Bell."

You seem like a nice bunch of people.

Give me a cheer who here thanks the bus driver when you get off the bus.

CHEERING

My kind of crowd. Who here get slightly annoyed

when the bus driver doesn't acknowledge you back?

Exactly. "I said, "Toodle-pip!'"

Ooh, I get irate.

I was on the top deck three nights ago,

I heard a businessman say the poshest thing I've ever heard.

He went, "Jeremy, we can't possibly play golf AND go shooting,

"it's a logistical nightmare."

Anybody who uses the word logistics in a social context

is a dick as far as I'm concerned.

And I knew he was a bit of a turnip,

because he had one of those pocket computers, right?

I don't really know much about computers,

although my face looks like it does.

I was in PC World the other day - I was there for three minutes

and five people asked me questions.

I went, "I don't know, turn it on, turn it off.

"Put your dongle away, it's disgusting."

The only computerised thing I've got is a Kindle.

I don't know if anybody here has one. They're amazing.

The reason I got it was I saw a big poster at a train station.

It said, "The new Kindle, its pages turn 20% faster."

I thought, wow, when have you ever heard somebody say,

"I'm a really quick reader, me. What slows me down is turning the pages."

They are amazing machines.

They hold up to 3,500 books, which is incredible,

but you can only read one at a time,

unless of course you do that fancy thing we do on the iPod.

You know, the iPod shuffle, or in this case, the Kindle surprise.

You don't know what you're getting.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

"We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert

"when the drugs began to kick in..."

"..laughed Paddington and tucked into another marmalade sandwich."

Or, "After 40 days and 40 nights..."

"..Mr Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced..." "..Oh, there's Wally."

"Harry Potter was a very unusual boy, but one thing he hated..."

"..Nelson Mandela."

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been an absolute pleasure talking to you.

Take care, have a wonderful evening. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr James Dowdeswell!

Yes. Thank you very much for watching Good News.

Have a wonderful Christmas. Farewell!

CHEERING

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