Episode 7 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Thanks very much.

Thank...you.

Hello and welcome to Good News.

Hope you've had a good week. So, what's been going on?

Over at Sky News, this guy revealed his ultimate fantasy.

Let's bring a jockey in here, bend him over the desk

and beat him on the backside with it and see if it hurts.

LAUGHTER

Now, if you look closely,

I think the bloke on the left may have a drink problem.

Now, the Christmas party season is almost upon us...

What else? Nick Owen was gutted when his Viagra didn't arrive.

-Hmm.

-Not a good night, was it?

-No, very frustrating.

LAUGHTER

This fella - no such problem.

One individual said that I had the testicles of an elephant.

And finally, don't you just love it when a plan DOESN'T come together?

I'm hanging out with my friend, John.

-Fox Five Morning News starts, look there.

-And it starts now!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, the big news this week - Britain went on strike.

Walkout - Britain's biggest strike in 30 years gets under way

as hundreds of thousands of staff protest over pensions.

So, who was affected?

Millions of children are spending the day at home

after three-quarters of schools closed.

And how did kids feel about it?

Thank you, teachers, innit?!

Nice one! THEY CHEER

They were fucking delighted.

Before the strike, we were warned that Heathrow would grind to a halt.

Chaos at airports.

-Very long queues.

-Potential chaos.

-Three hour delays.

-Gridlock.

-Didn't really work out like that.

-The quickest I've ever got through.

In fact, airports were so relaxed,

people had time for a bit of fun.

How was immigration, gents?

I didn't have a problem, personally. If anything, it was a bit quicker.

The flight left bang on time.

Quack!

LAUGHTER

Where have I heard that noise before?

Quack!

Pugalicious!

APPLAUSE

Now, did you see what Cameron said about the strikes?

David Cameron says the strike, in his view, has been a damp squib.

Fair to say, Cameron's comments slightly angered this protestor.

We're sick to death of you and your like,

David fucking Cammer face!

LAUGHTER

This bloke does a blog in his car. You've never seen rage like this.

Look what he wants Cameron and his mates to do.

Stick your fucking dicks back in your trousers,

stop waving them around...

What?!

I've seen a lot of Cameron's speeches,

I've never seen him ONCE do the helicopter.

I would've remembered...

I would've definitely remembered that moment. Nice one, Cleggy!

Mind you, not everyone was angry.

In the middle of the protest march,

I spotted the happiest photographer ever.

-But actually...

-Well, John Hutton...

LAUGHTER

Well, I know, but I think he was wrong...

Talking of joy, the results were in

for the first-ever UK happiness test.

Now, despite the country's economic woes,

a survey has found that most of us are still happy.

The trouble is, you can't measure happiness.

Very often, it can be tiny things that perk you up.

For example, here's what made me happy this week.

Number one - this photo.

Number two - my mum sent my brother a text.

My brother's reply...

And number three, seeing this -

it just makes you want to cheer.

What do you get when you cross an American frisbee champion,

and a creative bunch of Aussies

renowned for their YouTube acts of skill?

This right here is the world's fastest receiver.

HE SHOUTS

-APPLAUSE

-Just wonderful, isn't it?

But the thing that cheered me up most of all - I received a letter.

Remember the lady from a couple of weeks ago

who had her meerkats stolen?

Remember? If you don't, here she is.

When my daughter Samantha came, she said,

"Mum, your meerkats have gone."

So I politely said, "Blow me."

She's written me a letter.

Now, when I first got it, I was terrified.

I thought, "Oh, God, she's going to be really upset." Oh, no!

"Dear Russell..." She's 80, this woman is 80, right?

"Dear Russell, I pissed myself laughing at you

"taking the piss out of me and my meerkat.

"I am as blunt as you can be

"and less of the 'old woman' - I'm only 80!

"I've got 29 grandchildren and 42 great-grandchildren.

"One more thing -

"could you pay me back for being on TV

"and buy me a meerkat to replace the one the dog got?

"And I will blow you anytime."

AUDIENCE GASPS

So, what did I do?

I got her a meerkat!

So I guess what I'm saying, Barbara, no-one else, just you and me.

I've kept my side of the deal.

LAUGHTER

Finally, big news in the world of football.

The draw for Euro 2012 has been made.

England are in a group with France, Sweden and the joint hosts, Ukraine.

Not a bad group, so are we feeling positive?

Can England win it?

No, we've got no chance.

LAUGHTER

Some cracking stories in this section.

First up, check out the ingenious disguise

Ron Weasley wears to blend into society.

I love it! "I'm fed up of being noticed, I just want to be normal.

"I know, I'll dress as a mallard!"

D'you want to see his cunning disguise?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-Here's Ron.

Here's the duck...

I bet you money you'll get teenage boys going on the pull

wearing duck masks.

"Are you Ron Weasley?"

"Yeah...but I like to keep the mask on during sex."

"Oh, right. Why aren't your pubes ginger?"

"Oh...

"..Voldemort did it!"

LAUGHTER

"He's really sneaky!"

Bizarrely, that isn't the weirdest celebrity story.

Check out Lady Gaga's new perfume.

Lady Gaga will be making her debut fragrance, Monster,

and believe it or not,

it will actually smell of blood and semen.

Blood and semen? Who wants to smell like this guy's pants?

LAUGHTER

D'you reckon you have to apply it like that? It won't come out.

It's really going to come out in a minute.

Fwap!

Finally in this section, ladies and gentlemen,

prepare to meet a fully fledged superstar.

Rodeo is coming to the Resch Center this weekend.

Of course, that means broncos and bulls

but that's only part of the story this time.

Why? Who else is going to be at the rodeo?

It also means a performance by what the rodeo is touting

as the world's strongest chicken.

The world's strongest...

"Somebody punch me while I lay an egg!"

So, did this rock-hard cock arrive in a cage? Fuck, no!

This is how you make an entrance. This was on the news.

Listen to the music they play.

It was the kind of welcome usually reserved for rock stars.

MUSIC: "Gonna Fly Now (Theme from Rocky)" by Bill Conti

Resch is certainly no stranger to celebrities

but this one is definitely a first.

CROWD CHEERS

This is Harry, the world's strongest chicken.

"Huuuuh!

"I'm so hard, Viagra takes me! Huuhh!

"I got more muscles than a Belgian dinner table. What's my name?!

"Huuhh!

"You want to stick a lemon up my ass?

"Cock-a-doodle-don't, motherclucker!

"Huuhh!"

Now...

..some people reckon making a chicken perform is cruel.

His owner disagrees.

His trainer says for a chicken,

Harry seems pretty happy to be a part of it.

He loves it. Look at the alternative.

Nando's.

Apparently, one of his tricks - the chicken eats red-hot chillies.

Now, that's fine on the way in - slightly different on the way out.

ROOSTER CROWS

KEEPS CROWING

"Huh!"

APPLAUSE

Check out the latest pub entertainment hitting the UK.

Going to the loo while you're out can be a drag.

Well, not any more -

for men, at least,

after a bar in London installed urine-controlled video games

above their urinals.

That's right, piss-controlled video games.

Apparently you can play them with your mates.

How awkward would that be in the pub?

"Oi, Dave, meet me in the toilet.

"I'm going to get my dick out and teach you a lesson!"

LAUGHTER

"No, no, you've misunderstood!"

Have a look at how it works.

Bladder controllers make for a hands-free experience

and visitors to the bar are tested on the accuracy of their aim.

Aw, it looks pretty fun, doesn't it?

Who doesn't like to kill penguins with their piss?

But you know what blokes are like.

It'll be like a pub quiz machine - everyone will get involved.

ARCADE GAME BLEEPS

No, no, left, left.

BLEEPS CONTINUE

I've done this before, give it here.

LAUGHTER

-WINNING BLEEP

-Yeah!

Oh, mate.

APPLAUSE

Now, from weird computer games

to a story about receiving the wrong package.

14-year-old Connor Whelihan recently ordered

a new barrel for his paint gun.

With his mother's supervision, he ordered one for about 60

from paintballonline.com

But what did he get instead?

Inside the package that arrived are three boxes of Viagra,

sexual performance-enhancing oils,

hormone sprays

and a DVD for men only.

A massive box of Viagra! I bet he was like that, "Yes!

"All I need is my duck mask and Operation Ron Weasley is on!"

What I want to know - why did he go to the news?

If that had been me, I'd have gone to school, taken it before PE,

and impressed the ladies.

Mind you, it makes you think - if the kid didn't get his gun,

someone didn't get their Viagra.

-Not a good night, was it?

-No, very frustrating.

One place you won't need Viagra - this new hairdressers.

Half-naked hairdressers in Sydney, Australia,

where men come for a topless trim.

Now there are plans to open a similar salon in Norwich.

"Arrr!" Very different places.

-Sydney...

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-"Behold my sun-kissed orbs of pleasure."

-Norwich...

-NORFOLK ACCENT:

-"Check out these bastards!

"My nipples are wonkier than your eyes!"

It's madness! It's hard enough talking to hairdressers.

Imagine if they're topless! "Going anywhere on holiday?"

"Naples. Nipples. Tits. Jugs."

-HONKS

-"Oh, sorry."

LAUGHTER

The trouble is, who's to say the hairdressers won't be like this?

BELL RINGS

Ah, hello, Mr Howard.

I'm afraid your usual stylist isn't in, but if you take a seat,

we'll be with you in a minute.

Leslie, your two o'clock's here, get your top off.

(All right!)

Russell Howard.

Over to Scotland, what was the big news of the week?

The economy? Global warming? Nope, it was all about these guys.

Two giant pandas.

-Giant pandas.

-Giant pandas.

-Giant pandas.

-Giant pandas.

-Giant pandas.

..have arrived in Scotland from China.

Sunshine and Sweetie were unloaded from their private plane

after a 5,000 mile journey.

Did you watch the news coverage? It was brilliantly shit.

They were on air for hours!

At times, it was almost like they'd run out of things to say.

I heard a noise there,

which perhaps suggested that something was going on.

God bless BBC News - asking the questions on everyone's lips.

Is this the first-ever red carpet, Colin, for pandas?

Probably.

Do we know if they understand English?

-LAUGHTER

-They're pandas.

Have they been played any bagpipe music?

It's quite frightening, bagpipes,

if you've come all the way from China and you're a panda.

We were all thinking it(!) So why have the pandas come to Scotland?

The hope is, they will breed and produce panda cubs.

I'm not sure it's going to happen. This guy from ITN puts it best.

The female panda can only conceive for three days a year,

and the males...

well, they're not very good at it.

I love that - "They're not very good at it."

Imagine the poor pandas - "Do you like that, Maureen?"

"Not really, Derek, you've put it in my ear."

LAUGHTER

My favourite part of the report -

listen carefully to who was in the Scottish welcoming committee.

Just to the left, there is the welcoming party.

Scottish Secretary Michael Moore, the Chinese Charge d'Affaires,

Edinburgh's Lord Provost,

they've all been toasting the arrival with whisky,

along with one six-year-old girl, actually.

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"Oh, that was great! Let's do some Jagerbombs!"

D'you know, it's going to cost Edinburgh Zoo

a million pounds a year to look after them?

I don't get it - if people want to see a fat animal that eats all day

and never has sex,

hang out with my brother.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Check out the latest coffee taking the world by storm.

It's earthy, it's robust, it has a strong aftertaste.

Mmm, sounds lovely. What's in it?

Bob Hennagin was the first customer in line for a taste of Kopi Luwak,

AKA cat poo coffee.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

APPLAUSE

Cat poo coffee...

Who thought of...?

I've never seen a cat take a shit and gone, "Num num num!"

Working at that coffee shop would be a nightmare.

"Reeow!" Splat!

"Reeow!"

"You want cream with that?! Oh, Christ!"

HE SOBS

"I hate my job!

"It won't come out."

"Say my name."

"What is your name?"

"It's Mr Tiddles." "All right. Mr Tiddles."

Eww!

Unbelievably, some people love it.

Cat poop coffee, I mean...what could be better?

Fucking everything!

It's made out of cat shit!

Mind you, their paninis look quite nice.

Cat poo coffee!

If it takes off over here, I can't wait to see the adverts.

'Rich, aromatic and pure.

'Our coffee is harvested at source, and then...'

CONSTIPATED TONE

APPLAUSE

Next up, a story about a broken relationship.

Pretty funny. Funnier when you find out who did it.

His dog!

"Oh, I'm sorry, was that your arse?!

"I guess I'm not thinking straight since we went to the vets

"and they cut my fucking balls off!"

LAUGHTER

-SHOUTS:

-"Where are my balls?"

"Huuuuhh!"

Maybe it wasn't that.

Maybe the dog lost it after he was forced to wear this.

Mind you, if you think being shot by your dog is thick,

check out this master of disguise.

A man tried to rob this liquor store.

He covered his face in duct tape.

He looks like a gimp from Poundland.

What I love about this story -

despite the fact he was caught with the tape on his face -

he claimed it wasn't him.

To add yet another twist to the story,

the man authorities unmasked now insists

he's not the duct tape bandit.

Look at me. Do I look like a duct tape bandit, baby?

Yes! They took it off your face!

He's like a child. I'd love to have seen the moment they unravelled it.

"You're under arrest." "No, I'm not."

"You are." "I wasn't there."

"You were there, cos I've just literally taken the tape off..."

"No, you didn't." "I did.

"I'm still holding the tape and it's attached to your face."

"No, no, no."

"Yes, stop saying that."

"No, you couldn't, I wasn't there, I was in the moon eating a pizza!"

He wasn't the dumbest criminal in the news.

That prize belongs to these guys.

Two New Zealand prisoners, handcuffed together,

tried to escape to freedom on Wednesday.

The getaway failed

when they tried to run through different sides of a power pole.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news

and I have to figure out who that person is.

Please welcome my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

-Hello, nice to meet you. What's your name?

-Kath.

-I'm guessing it has something to do with chess?

-Yes, it does.

There you go, OK.

-Are you a chess player of some form?

-You could say...slightly.

-You're a slight chess player?

-Mm. It's got something to do with it.

You play chess outside?

I wouldn't say I am outside at all.

-But what's the foliage?

-I've no idea.

-You've got no idea why there are trees here?

-No!

LAUGHTER

Um...OK, are you one of the best chess players in the country?

No.

-A straight answer, no.

-Awkward!

It's got something to do with chess, nothing to do with the outside.

-Any other hints?

-I could give you another clue.

-OK.

BELL RINGS

-That's a bell. Are you a bell-ringer?

-No.

Thank God for that. They're always a bit creepy, aren't they?

-Bells and chess.

-It could be to do with round one.

-Round one.

-Think of it in that way.

Are you a fighter?

-Yes.

-Why have we got this, then?

You play chess and you fight?

-Yes.

-Really?

-Yes.

What an interesting... Why have you been in the news?

I was the world's first female chessboxing champion.

The world's first female chessboxing champion.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK.

How does that combine itself?

You have different rounds.

The first round always starts off with chess, and it's speed chess.

-It doesn't take that long.

-D'you keep your gloves on?

-No.

-I was going to say!

-LAUGHTER

I love the combination, it's insane.

It's like kickboxing and Ludo.

It just seems like...such a weird...

I don't think that would quite work.

No, that would be madness(!)

Boxing and chess - absolutely fine - but Ludo and kickboxing,

well, I'd be a fucking idiot!

Shall we have a little scrap?

We could have one, I suppose.

You're trying to make this sort of sexy, but...

it won't be when you beat me up.

Don't worry, I'm not actually going to beat you up.

-You're not going to beat me up?

-No.

-You're still going to make it sexy?

-What are you doing with the chess piece?

SHE LAUGHS

Do you do that, to put your opponents off?

-No.

-You've never done that?

-Never ever done that.

-Should we do some boxing?

-Yeah, but before we move on,

-I'm going to show you a quick VT of me in action.

-Lovely.

MUSIC: "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor

# It's the eye of the tiger

# It's the thrill of the fight

# And he's watching us all with the eye... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, here we are.

So...

-Today, we're going to test your strength.

-On this bad boy?

-On this bad boy here.

-Right.

I should pretend I'm at a fair?

-It's not a fairground.

-Feels a bit like a fairground.

"I'll hit that, then get wanked off on the waltzers."

Is that what happens, normally?

D'you know, when I was 13 that did happen, yeah.

I was like, "Oh, Jesus Christ!"

D'you know what makes it really interesting?

My dad was killed by a man with a red-and-black head,

so this is going to be... really easy!

-That was good.

-"I've never seen numbers that high!"

Have another go, see if you can get this properly.

Now you're going to properly hit it, aren't you?

I'm not really. Don't worry about it.

Go on, absolutely smash it!

-That was nice. That's good.

-It's not always about whacking it.

-It is, though, innit?

-You could miss, then, couldn't you?

It feels good when you really get it!

Try and think about the technique of it.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Have you broken your other hand now?

-Yeah.

It's good pain, though, innit?

I enjoyed that, what a wonderful mystery guest.

Please give it up for the boxing and chess champion of the world!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If you fly Ryanair, it's about to get a whole lot steamier.

That is going to change the announcements!

"We apologise for the turbulence.

"The pilot is cracking one off."

Knowing Ryanair, it won't be sexy.

-GRUFF VOICE:

-"Hello! And welcome to Debbie Does Grimsby!

"You can enter me here, here or here!"

Mind you, if you think porn is a bit much,

look what the boss has planned for business class.

Because it will be in Economy, ten euros,

but a fantastic upmarket service in business class,

which would consist of beds and blow jobs.

Beds and blow jobs!

Who are they going to get to do the adverts?

Blow me!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, from planes to cars. This next story is insane.

Saudi Arabia is the only country where women aren't allowed to drive.

Look why the government want to keep it this way.

If that were true, Top Gear would be hilarious.

Jeremy Clarkson crying as he tea-bags James May!

"I can't stop!

"I saw a woman reversing!

"Oh, Christ, she's parking. Hammond, lick my balls!

"Lick my balls!"

We'd all watch it then!

Now, over in America,

a woman is in trouble after burying a dog with an unusual name.

She decided it was time to put a memorial stone on the dog's grave,

and that has stirred up a lot of controversy

because the dog had a name that some say is not appropriate

for display on a tombstone.

Why? What was the dog called?

The dog was called Shithead!

Look how the owner justifies her dog's filthy name.

No different than somebody named Dick...or Peter.

Slightly different.

"Here, Peter." "Shithead!!"

I tell you, it's the only way you could have made this funnier.

Shithead! Shithead!

Shithead! Oh, Jesus Christ!

Shithead! Oh, Jesus Christ!

Shithead!

This is ace. It's an inspirational story about Patrice Millet

and the amazing work he does helping Haitian kids through football.

My name is Patrice Millet

and I do education through soccer with Haitian kids.

SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

Yes!

What a cool bloke.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for my stand-up guest.

So, please welcome the fantastic Celia Pacquola!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

Hello! How are you? Are you good?

Hello! Are we good? Yes? Gosh, this is nice, isn't it? Wow!

I am from Australia but I live here now, and the thing is,

I almost feel like I'm becoming a real kind of British person.

Like, I own my own pair of Wellingtons. Yes!

And I laughed at someone who ran for the bus and missed it, so...

welcome me as one of your own.

I'm pretty sure that's on your citizenship test, isn't it?

Sorry, you DIDN'T want the door to slam in her face?

I don't think you're going to fit in here, to be fair.

It's funny when that kind of stuff happens to someone else.

It's a bit funny when something a bit bad happens to someone else.

It's OK that it's funny. They'd laugh at you. They'd totally laugh at you.

I've seen some cool stuff since I've been here, but the best thing I've seen,

and this is when we find out whether you're my kind of people or not, but I saw...

..a man...

in a crowd... put his coat on too fast

and accidentally punch a stranger in the face.

Ahhh!

Who wants to touch me? Oh, my God!

What did I do? I don't know.

And you know how guys have those big, heavy winter coats as well

and give it a bit of, rooargh!

He just clocked this dude! And I don't know what happened.

He must have not known he'd done it.

He must have thought he'd just bumped his hand on something

because he went, rooargh, and just walked off.

THIS guy got punched in the face out of thin air, right?

It was amazing - he was just walking along, bff, got punched,

spun around to start a fight.

There was no-one there.

He just walked it off. It was amazing. He just went, rooargh...

The thing is,

because I'm not from here, I do feel slightly, um...

culturally obligated to be a little bit educational,

a little bit informative and maybe tell you something important

that you might not know about my country, so, um...

.."wristy" is Australian for a hand job.

You're welcome.

It's an excellent word and I couldn't believe you didn't have it here.

It should belong to the world.

I've never had a mission in life before and now I do - it's this.

I tell everyone. I seriously do it at every single gig I do.

Even if I'm just buying a coffee, I'm like, "Two quid? Thanks, wristy's a hand job, see you later."

I tell everyone, and the best response I've ever got from it was at a gig once

and there was an English guy in the crowd,

and what was so beautiful about this is he didn't mean to say it.

This just escaped out his mouth.

I said, "'Wristy' is Australian for a hand job."

And at the back of the room, I just heard this little, quiet voice go...

"Of course!"

How did we not see it before?!

It was there the whole time!

I really think it's a wonderful word. It's kind of playful and fun.

It's like, wristy! Hey! Wristy! You know.

It's kind of like a friend you haven't seen in a while, you know?

Oh, Wristy! What are you doing here?

Pleasuring me? OK!

You're the best!

Like, "Hand job", is very serious, isn't it?

You know, "Hand job!"

It's an occupation, really. A hand job!

I don't know how that happened.

I don't know if one day someone looked at a flaccid penis

and went, "This is a job...

"..for hands!"

I don't want to take credit for "wristy". I didn't make it up.

I've never heard it anywhere other than Australia.

But it is give and take,

because I'm happy to share wristies with all of you, and yes, I know what I said.

But since I've been living in your lovely nation,

you excellent people have taught me the word "bellend".

So, I can't thank you enough.

APPLAUSE Yep, you deserve it.

You deserve it.

And I'm trying to fit in,

but you people don't make it easy for us sometimes.

The biggest cultural shock I've had since being here,

which to all of you is perfectly normal

and you have no idea how messed up this sounds to someone who's not from here, OK?

I was having a cup of tea with an English friend of mine

and she said to me, "Do you want a Penguin?"

It's... You know...

And I was like, "Er...

"Well, yeah!

"Who doesn't? They're adorable! Where did you get it?

"Do the zoos sell them now? I mean, I don't know how to take care of it.

"I mean, it's a bird, but does it go in a cage or, like, in the bathtub?

"And they look like you need to oil them. Do you oil them?

"They seem kind of oily.

"Mind you, I could, like, put a little bow tie on him

"and make some pretty sweet YouTube videos.

"Yeah, stuff it, I WILL have a penguin, yeah, go on, I will."

And she said, "No, you idiot! A Penguin's a biscuit!"

And I was like, "Oh! How stupid of me...

"..to confuse something with what it is(!)

"I'm doing that all the time.

"When you said, 'Penguin',

"I should have known that you meant, 'biscuit',

"and not, you know, a penguin."

And she goes, "Let's not fight any more.

I'm like, "Yeah. Would you like some cake?" And she said, "Yes."

And then I threw a spider in her face.

And she's like,

"Jesus! What did you throw a spider at me for?!"

And I was like, "Oh!

"You idiot! In Australia, 'cake', is a spider.

"I just assumed you'd know that."

"It bit me." I'm like, "They're poisonous. Do you want the antidote?"

"Give me the antidote!" "Sure?" She's like, "Yes!"

And I shot her in the kneecap.

She was like, "What did you shoot me for?!"

And I was like, "Oh!

"I don't like you."

And you know,

then I got out of there,

because that cup of tea escalated

very quickly into murder!

I'm quite scared of getting murdered.

What, really? Dur! I'm scared of getting mugged as well.

Not so much scared as that it would be annoying.

I like my stuff and I want to keep it, right? So, I hatched a plan...

Yeah!

In my bag, I have two wallets.

I have a real wallet - real money, real cards.

And I have a fake wallet - fake money, fake cards.

A decoy wallet, if you will.

So, mugger's going to get fake wallet.

When they open it, there's going to be a note.

You know how you can get those birthday cards where you can record a voice message?

So, when mugger opens fake wallet, they're going to hear my voice going,

"Ha-ha-ha!

"Ha-ha-ha-ha!

"You bellend!"

APPLAUSE

Yeah!

I do go back every now and then, back to Australia.

My favourite thing about going back, which doesn't happen every time

but it happened the last time,

which was after 25 hours in the sky, right,

I landed in Melbourne airport

and I went up to the Customs man with my form and I gave him my form

and he looked at the form and he looked at me, and he said...

"Welcome home."

Now, I don't know if they pay them to say that, but jeez,

I was this close to climbing over the counter, jumping into his arms

and giving him a wristy, I swear!

It feels a bit weird when I talk about sort of sexual stuff

cos it doesn't suit me, I'm not a sexual person.

You know some people are sort of, "Ooh, yeah, I'm a sexual per...

"I'm just so sexual person, you know?

"Hey, you know, like, sexuality is fluid and, you know,

"I'm a puddle, so..."

I just think all the sex stuff is so funny, right?

I find it funny rather than sexy.

I saw on the front cover of a women's magazine,

one of their top stories was,

"What he really thinks of your orgasm noise".

What he really thinks of your...

Which suggests there was something we thought he thought about it.

That's not what he really thinks.

He thinks something else and he's keeping it from us - what he really thinks of your...

I'm like, I don't think they give a shit. I don't think you care.

I don't think guys give a shit in the world what your orgasm noise is,

ever!

Unless it's, like, "Police!"

That's it!

And I don't think anyone does that. I think all the noises are pretty similar.

It would be heaps more exciting if they weren't.

Even if there was just one woman who had some really weird,

freaky noise just to scare the shit out of some dude.

Just, like, "Mmmwaow", or something like that.

And you wouldn't know which one she was.

Normal, normal, normal, then you go home...

"Mmmwaow". "Are you OK?" "It's really good. Mmmwaow."

Do you know what I hate?

You know when you're dating someone, just sort of dating,

and one of you jumps the gun and describes you as a couple?

"Too soon! Oh, no! Too soon! Are we not? I thought we were.

"No, we're not? OK."

It's usually me that does it,

and you have to have that awkward conversation where you're like,

"So...are you my boyfriend?"

And it's just so heartbreaking when they go...

"No-o-o-o-o.

"I'm the postman."

Like, "Yeah, well, stop coming to my house, like, every day

"and bringing me stuff, you tease!"

-Any of you love sleep in the room? AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

-Whose top three favourite things are sleeping, eating and sexy things? AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

It's the big three.

It's mine - it's a lot of people's top three.

Which is why I'm going to open a restaurant-brothel-hotel.

Ha! It's a good idea, isn't it? Maybe they have them already.

I don't know. I haven't been to a brothel...in ages.

What? No, I haven't been!

I love everything to do with sleep.

You know when you're just about to fall asleep,

like, JUST about to clonk off, like, that part, right,

and part of your body feels like it's not getting enough attention, OK?

Not like that! And it'll just be, like...

Huh! Woah!

You know? When your leg kicks out and you...

Do I need to see a doctor? Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah!

You didn't have anything to do with it.

Just, ha!

I love that. I LOVE it so much.

I like to think that it's leg going...

.."Excellent!

"Everyone's asleep.

"Now's leg's time to shine."

And when I was about 19, OK, I had a boyfriend,

and this is completely true.

If there was something I was too nervous to talk to him about,

I would bring it up with him

by pretending to talk about it in my sleep.

Now...some of you are thinking,

"That is the most manipulative bloody thing I have ever..."

And some of you are thinking, "That's brilliant!"

-WOMAN:

-Whoo!

Genius! This is how it went down, right.

We'd go to bed, good night, kiss, roll over.

You'd have to throw in a bit of gibberish at the start to make it believable.

Give it a bit of, "Ohh, ohh.

"Abraham Lincoln!

"Ohh.

"Mm, monkeys!"

Then we'd get to the beef of the situation,

which was usually something along the lines of,

"No. No.

"I don't want to go to the reunion."

And the next day, I'd be like, "I slept weird! I slept really weird.

"Did I talk in my sleep?"

He's like, "Yeah! "You said you didn't want to go to the reunion."

I'm like, "Did I? That's weird.

"Cos I totally want to go to your reunion with you.

"I want to drive you into the middle of nowhere

"and watch you get drunk with your mates who I don't like.

"I was looking forward to that.

"Did I say I didn't want to?

"Maybe subconsciously, it's not a good idea."

And this went on for while, until one night we went to bed, good night, kiss, roll over.

From his side of the bed I hear a bit of,

"Ohh.

"Wheelbarrow. Flowerpot."

He figured it out and rather than confront me about it,

he was giving it a go!

What a legend! What an absolute champion! I was so impressed.

APPLAUSE I know!

Mate...

I would have high-fived him if he wasn't pretending to be asleep. I was thrilled, OK?

This is what he gave it. He gave it a bit of, "No! Rarr!

"I don't want to go to your mum's birthday dinner."

And then the next day, he's like, "I slept weird! I slept really weird.

"Did I talk in my sleep?

And I was like, "No."

"Didn't hear a peep out of you.

"Out like a light, you were.

"So, Mum's picking us up at six."

I've been Celia Pacquola.

Thank you so much, you've been lovely.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please give it up for Celia Pacquola!

Fantastic! I hope you enjoyed Good News. Good night.

CHEERING

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