Episode 6 Russell Howard's Good News Extra


Episode 6

Extended version of the topical comedy show in which Russell Howard offers up his unique perspective on the news stories that have dominated the media over the past seven days.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you very much.

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Hello and welcome to Good News.

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Hope you've had a good week. So what's been happening? Is it me,

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or is the sexual tension on BBC Breakfast getting too much?

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-Are you packing heat?

-I am carrying.

-Are you?

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LAUGHTER

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Get a room!

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Mark Longhurst revealed what he shouts at the point of orgasm.

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In the back of the net!

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LAUGHTER

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Last week, I broke my hand. Some people were shocked.

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Not this lady.

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I just watched it and watched it and watched it.

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It was absolutely brilliant.

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LAUGHTER

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And finally, over on Sky News, it's happened again.

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Love is in the air.

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We're just about to open up a new shop in the city in the city...

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MUSIC: "She" by Elvis Costello

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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So, what's been going on? Young people are struggling to get jobs.

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NEWS BONG

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'Unemployment hits a 17-year high,

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'with more young people out of work, than ever.'

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And who did Sky News get

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to talk about solving the youth unemployment crisis?

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We do have a problem...

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Alan Sugar!

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I'm not sure he's the best person to get young people jobs.

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You're fired!

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You're fired!

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You're fired!

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You're fired, fired, fired, fired...

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Mind you, this next girl

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is definitely going to struggle in the workplace.

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Check out this wonderful headline.

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And did her friends help get her out?

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No, they videoed her and pissed themselves laughing.

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PEOPLE LAUGHING

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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"Get the fire brigade!" "Get my iPhone."

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LAUGHTER

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Imagine the moment the fire brigade arrived. "What have you done?"

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"I wanted to know what it felt like to be a towel!"

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LAUGHTER

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How did that girl even get into university?

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What does her UCAS form look like? A potato print?

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If she's struggling with a clothes horse,

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imagine her in an English exam.

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"What is Rudyard Kipling's finest work?"

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LAUGHTER

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"His cakes."

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LAUGHTER

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"They're exceedingly good."

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I've honestly watched that clip of her stuck about 100 times.

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I can't get enough! And I'm not the only one.

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I just watched it and watched it and watched it.

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It was absolutely brilliant.

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Elsewhere this week,

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a survey was held to find Britain's most influential man. Who won?

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Boris Johnson!

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CHEERING

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Do you reckon kids'll start copying his look?

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LAUGHTER

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It's ridiculous, isn't it?

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How can he be the most influential man in Britain?

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He's impossible to understand. It always sounds like he's on acid.

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I rubbed my eyes and my eyes were not deceiving me.

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I saw the sprouting, hubble bubble,

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gherkin, not gherkin, pretzel-type object.

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Arrrr!

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It's like he's playing charades with an invisible man, all the time!

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"Gherkins... pretzel...

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"two words... film...

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"I don't know, you invisible bastard. Give me the title!"

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He's lovable though, isn't he? Boris is lovable.

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Asked what was different about him and David Cameron,

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he gave this answer...

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What is the difference between you and David Cameron?

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Well, I'm Mayor of London, and he's Prime Minister.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm older than him, I'm considerably heavier.

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What else? I beat him at tennis.

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LAUGHTER

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"I stuffed him at wiff-waff!"

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People are even saying Boris could be the next Prime Minister.

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It might happen sooner than we think.

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Between you and me, I think Cameron's running out of policies.

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Let's get those diabetics off the road!

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LAUGHTER

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"If I see one more asthmatic on a space hopper,

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"there will be hell to pay!"

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LAUGHTER

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Let's be honest, Ed Miliband's never going to win.

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He just looks too weird.

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This guy sums up what he looks like best.

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A frightened panda who's been caught with another panda's wife.

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LAUGHTER

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He's got a point!

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LAUGHTER

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Some mad crime stories knocking around.

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Over in Pakistan, the government is trying to stop

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that most evil of crimes - swearing.

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'In Pakistan, it's the war

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'on violent extremists that usually makes headlines.'

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But now the government is waging a new fight.

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'A war on what the government has deemed

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'obscene and offensive language in text messages.'

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Imagine the jails. "I'm in for murder. You...?"

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"I called my brother a spunk monkey."

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LAUGHTER

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Some of the words banned are weird. Look at these...

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That's not even rude, that's a fruit!

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I bet he's there going, "Why am I being banned?

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"What about banana? He looks like a dick!

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LAUGHTER

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They even banned this word.

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That could lead to confusion.

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"Grandad's having a stroke!"

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"Well, tell him to pack it in, then."

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"I think he's going to die."

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"Well, he's clearly doing it too hard."

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From naughty words to a bizarre punishment in New Zealand...

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It's mad, isn't it? Here they are in action.

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'Shane and Carl weren't dancing for fun

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'when this YouTube clip was filmed last week.

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'They were dancing because they were scared.'

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They made them dance for an hour

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because they'd sprayed graffiti on their neighbour's wall.

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What a weird punishment!

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"You're not going to hit me, are you?"

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-"No, I want you to moonwalk."

-LAUGHTER

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"Ah, that's the stuff! Shake it, baby!"

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Luckily the police were called. Did they help? Not really!

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'When two police officers arrived, the ordeal wasn't over.

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'One officer laughed so hard he had to leave the room

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'and called two colleagues to come and watch.'

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LAUGHTER

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"Dave, you've got to see this, mate.

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"It's better than that girl in the clothes horse!"

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It isn't the only dancing story of the week.

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Look what kids in America are doing with their cars.

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'It's called ghost riding the whip.

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'A whip is slang for a car

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'and ghost riding refers to the fact

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'that whoever was driving, ends up disappearing.

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It's the shittest thing ever.

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"I'm ghost riding the whip!"

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No, you're not! You're giving a BMW a lapdance!

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Look at these tits!

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'Ghostriders perform all sorts of automotive acrobatics,

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'otherwise known as going dumb.

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'Standing atop a driver's door...

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'hanging out the back door...'

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They're like claustrophobics on their way to a meeting.

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"I can't be in the car, Steve!

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"Let me get on the door. I don't like it, I don't like the inside!"

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Surprisingly, this crappy craze has taken America by storm.

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And it's not just kids who are into it.

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Well, Grandma, what's on our schedule today?

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Well, there's one thing we could do...

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We could ghost ride the whip!

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TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

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LAUGHTER

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They're pretty good, aren't they?

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But they've been doing it for years. This guy's a beginner.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Some odd, little stories in Britain this week.

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First, look what this man's done to stop speeding.

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'They don't mess about in Bow

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'or at least Tim Backhouse doesn't.

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'Fed up with traffic going too fast

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'he and a friend picked up their paintbrushes and went big

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'on the side of Tim's house.'

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Only in the West Country.

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"Why get a speed camera, when I got a paintbrush?"

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What I love about this story,

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it highlights just how brilliantly shit

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British local news is.

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They clearly got a woman to say, "Wow! Look at that!"

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-"Wow! Look at that!"

-LAUGHTER

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And then from nowhere,

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an unintelligible man rocks up in his tractor.

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-Very stupid.

-Why?

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Everybody's going to look at it and have more accidents...

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BABBLES IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT

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"I've got to go, I'm ghost riding the tractor!"

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LAUGHTER

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It's good he didn't paint this on his house.

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LAUGHTER

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Because you KNOW somebody would have done this....

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LAUGHTER

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From road signs to the paranormal.

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Pretty interesting - more so when you read who's been plaguing her.

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I know we're all thinking...

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poor octopus! I bet she loved it.

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"Oh no! Eight hands all over me. Oh no!

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"Lower... Oh...

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"Will this never end?

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"Lower.

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"Oh, that's the stuff..."

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# If there's something strange in your neighbourhood

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# Who you gonna call? # Fucking no-one!

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LAUGHTER

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"Aaarh!"

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LAUGHTER

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I imagine!

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Now, mind you, it wasn't the only spooky story of the week.

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A ghost in Gloucester is haunting a pint of lager.

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'It was just another quiz night,

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'and another pint from the bar for the quizmaster.

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'But this pint took on a life of its own.

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'Watch it carefully as it starts to move.

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'When it fell the quiz goers were shocked,

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'the manager, spooked.'

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Ahhh!

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A pint of beer fell over!

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This has to be the overreaction of the week.

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When you see something like this on tape

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it really sort of scares you.

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It's a zombie pint!

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We're going to die!

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Mind you, this evil pint isn't the only thing causing the pub bother.

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'The haunted pint is just one of several ghostly happenings

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'in the last few weeks.

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'Recently manageress, Sam, woke up early one morning

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'to hear wailings from her daughter's bedroom.'

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LAUGHTER

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I'm not sure that was a ghost!

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LAUGHTER

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Next up, a truly terrible waxwork museum.

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A waxwork attraction in Kent is making visitors work hard to do that.

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Shall we say, it's not entirely obvious who some are meant to be.

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Damn right! You will never see worse celebrity waxworks than this!

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'Tom Cruise,

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'Kylie Minogue,

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'the Queen

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'and Sylvester Stallone.'

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Stallone looks like the saddest sex doll ever.

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Look at his eyes!

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MUSIC: "Mad World" by Gary Jules

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Check out the service that this church is offering.

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'Alex Averill defended himself and his church,

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'after police say members of Phoenix Goddess Temple

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'ran an organised prostitution ring out of the church.'

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That's right, it's a brothel and a church.

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They don't just talk about a burning bush,

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they'll give you one!

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So what kind of stuff can parishioners look forward to?

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'Calling themselves whole body healers they offer nude life coaching

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'and prostate massages.'

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LAUGHTER

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Prostate massage?

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"Can you feel Jesus?" "No, but you need to clip your nails!"

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AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

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"I feel like Sylvester Stallone!"

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It's such nonsense. Whole body healers?

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Have a look at what the leader of this church calls himself.

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At my church, I'm labelled a shaman.

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A shaman. Wow!

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What magical powers does he have?

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'He's devoted himself to healing people

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'including overweight women who need to feel loved.'

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LAUGHTER

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He bangs fat women.

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If that makes you a shaman, I'll start calling my brother Gandalf.

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LAUGHTER

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Mind you, if you think a church that provides sex is creepy,

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look what this preacher's offering.

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Pastor Bates laid hands on him,

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almost two hours ago.

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He hasn't moved since.

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Wouldn't you like the holy ghost to come on you like that?

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LAUGHTER

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No, no, no, no, no...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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The final religious story this week is a bit more bizarre.

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How lovely! Whereabouts?

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GROANING

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Holy shit!

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Literally.

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Poor Jesus. "Dad, you have sent me to the wrong place!"

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LAUGHTER

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Many were appalled. One lady loved it.

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Wow! Look at that! LAUGHTER

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It's nonsense!

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If Jesus was going to land on any dog, surely it would be this fellow.

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QUACK!

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A new book has been published this week about X-rays,

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showing the many varied things that people have inserted

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into their arseholes.

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'The X-rays are in a new book called...'

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'Everything from a computer mouse to a cassette tape,

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'this string of Christmas lights

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'and this is Barbie, but it isn't her dream house she's in!'

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She was not happy!

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SHE SCREAMS

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GROANING

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The worst thing...

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This book...

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LAUGHTER

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This book was written by doctors.

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'It's authored by this emergency room physician and two other doctors.'

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Bastards!

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"Hey, doc, you're not going to tell the world

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"about me putting a doll up my arse, are you?"

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"Oh, NO...

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"I'd never do that!"

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"Have a look at that, Dave, it's like a yawning hippo."

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So, what's the number one excuse

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people come up with in this situation?

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"I accidentally fell on an object."

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That's probably the most common accidental story you hear.

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'And who hasn't sat on their glasses really, really hard, while nude(?)'

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Exactly!

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So, what was the doctor's favourite?

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'But the Doctor's favourite found objects are action figures -

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'poor Buzz Lightyear.'

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LOUD GROANING

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"To infinity and... what the fuck is that!"

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LAUGHTER

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"Ahhhh!"

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APPLAUSE

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-"All right, Barbie?"

-LAUGHTER

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That was their favourite, this was my favourite.

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'A more recent X-ray displays an iPod Nano.'

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That's what happens if you play this out loud on the Tube.

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SONG: "Baby" by Justin Beiber ft. Ludacris

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"Come here, you little sod!"

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APPLAUSE

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We'd all do it. We'd ALL do it.

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Now, from X-rays to a new treatment for dogs.

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'We love our pets and want to keep them happy,

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'and since it's hard for them to roll a joint

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'a Seattle company's developing a medical marijuana patch for dogs.'

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LAUGHTER

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A dog marijuana patch? This guy looks like he's already on it.

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LAUGHTER

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It's his eyes. Look at his eyes!

0:17:160:17:18

"You all right, Rover?" "I think I'm stoned...

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"I can see Jesus on my arse."

0:17:230:17:26

LAUGHTER

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I would love to see my dog high,

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giggling his tits off at Marley And Me.

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"He's going to die in a minute!

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"What a prick!"

0:17:350:17:38

"You know the government's watching us, right?"

0:17:380:17:42

"Quite conspiratorial?" "Yeah, they're fucking everywhere, man"

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"You got to tread light, son, tread light."

0:17:460:17:49

"Is that from The Wire?" "Yeah, I've been watching The Wire."

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Now, here's a little tip -

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if you're using is on your dog, make sure you only use one patch.

0:17:540:17:58

LAUGHTER

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This is the part I genuinely know nothing about.

0:18:100:18:13

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news

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and I have to figure out who that person is.

0:18:150:18:17

Please welcome my mystery guest!

0:18:170:18:19

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Hello.

-Hey.

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-Hello, you all right?

-Nice to meet you.

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-What's your name?

-Jan.

-Nice to meet you.

0:18:320:18:34

Jan, it looks like we're in a folk pub. Is that close?

0:18:340:18:37

-Yeah, something to do with that.

-It's something to do with folk.

0:18:370:18:40

Folk, Guinness, playing a violin and drinking Guinness.

0:18:400:18:44

-You look a bit like a magician, as well.

-A magician? Thanks.

0:18:440:18:47

-It's not something I wear everyday.

-Why are you wearing it here, then?

0:18:470:18:51

-Special event, just to help you guess what I am.

-To wear that?

-Yeah.

0:18:510:18:54

Did you think I was a magpie?

0:18:540:18:56

LAUGHTER

0:18:560:18:58

Why's it all shiny? I can't take my eyes off it.

0:18:580:19:01

To stand out on stage.

0:19:010:19:04

-Oh, right, so you're a performer?

-Yeah.

-OK.

0:19:040:19:07

-Presumably it involves the violin?

-No.

-It doesn't. OK...

0:19:070:19:12

Do you hunt down men that play the violin?

0:19:120:19:15

No, no, not really.

0:19:150:19:17

-You've never killed a man?

-No, not yet.

-Not yet?!

0:19:170:19:21

LAUGHTER

0:19:210:19:23

Any other clues? So you're a performer, anything else?

0:19:230:19:26

-Irish.

-You're Irish?

-That's the big clue.

0:19:260:19:28

Er...I don't know, just tell me.

0:19:280:19:31

I'm the under 21 Male World Irish Dancing Champion.

0:19:310:19:36

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:360:19:37

Nice to meet you.

0:19:400:19:41

So what this is, is racism, essentially!

0:19:430:19:45

-Stereotypes.

-He's Irish and there's a pint of Guinness there.

0:19:450:19:49

I'm surprised we didn't have a tiny man going, "Ah, hello!"

0:19:490:19:52

"Please let me come on!"

0:19:520:19:55

So, have you ever pulled a lady doing your Irish...jiggery?

0:19:550:19:58

I've been in a dance-off at a club before.

0:19:580:20:01

-How did that go?

-Surprisingly well. I thought people would laugh,

0:20:010:20:04

but they clapped. Got free drinks and a phone number.

0:20:040:20:07

A phone number?! There you go!

0:20:070:20:09

LADIES: Wooo!

0:20:090:20:10

Show the moves that made the ladies swoon.

0:20:100:20:13

-It was...

-Pretend I'm a lady in a club watching you.

0:20:130:20:17

-IRISH ACCENT:

-"I like that one over there,

0:20:170:20:19

"the shiny fucker over there, look at him."

0:20:190:20:23

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:230:20:25

-IRISH ACCENT:

-"Johnny Dazzle-pants, I like that one. Dance for me."

0:20:280:20:31

-Er, well, I started slowly...

-"Oh, yeah."

0:20:310:20:34

..and then I went faster...

0:20:340:20:36

"Oh, God.

0:20:360:20:37

"Oh, don't ever stop moving your feet.

0:20:370:20:40

"Oh, I...yes!"

0:20:400:20:43

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:430:20:44

-Well done, man!

-Thank you very much.

0:20:440:20:48

-Shall we do some dancing?

-We are going to in a minute.

0:20:480:20:50

-I'll show you a few steps if...

-I'd love to!

0:20:500:20:52

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:520:20:54

-IRISH ACCENT:

-So, I'm in the mood for dancing, Jan!

0:20:560:20:59

-LAUGHTER

-Teach me how to dance!

0:20:590:21:02

I'll start you off with basic beginning steps.

0:21:020:21:05

-OK.

-So that's...

0:21:050:21:06

Oh, nice!

0:21:100:21:12

-Stuff like that.

-Lovely.

0:21:120:21:14

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:140:21:16

So, first, what I'll teach you is a shuffle.

0:21:160:21:19

-Erm, tap it forward.

-This one, yeah.

0:21:190:21:22

Right foot, right foot.

0:21:220:21:24

So, tap it forward...back...

0:21:240:21:25

and then hop...down. Very good.

0:21:250:21:29

So, you've got to be like a really kind of flamboyant penguin.

0:21:290:21:32

LAUGHTER

0:21:320:21:35

-I guess.

-I'm sorry.

-That's all right.

0:21:380:21:40

-Erm, next one.

-Yep.

0:21:400:21:42

Be careful, I don't want you to hurt yourself.

0:21:420:21:45

-Nice.

-LAUGHTER

0:21:450:21:47

-It's called a click.

-Yep.

0:21:470:21:49

Pick up the right leg and then click the heels together.

0:21:490:21:52

-Ow!

-LAUGHTER

0:21:540:21:56

-So, are you meant to do, are you meant to go like that?

-Very good.

0:21:560:21:59

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:590:22:02

If you imagine there's a football there, it's a lot easier, you go...

0:22:030:22:07

Drag, it's called.

0:22:070:22:09

-Just drag your foot.

-Oh, I like that, that's pretty...

0:22:090:22:13

That's the equivalent of what the dog does when it's wiping its arse.

0:22:140:22:18

"Nobody's looking."

0:22:200:22:22

That's good. We're going to try and put them all together to music. LAUGHTER

0:22:240:22:28

-To music?!

-To music, yeah.

0:22:280:22:31

-If that's cool?

-Lovely, yeah.

-Yeah, OK, let's go.

0:22:310:22:35

MUSIC: "The Lord of The Dance"

0:22:350:22:37

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:22:420:22:44

Two, three, end!

0:23:100:23:12

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:120:23:14

Lovely, well done.

0:23:170:23:19

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!

0:23:200:23:24

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:240:23:26

Check out the McDonald's burger that's than been causing a stir.

0:23:300:23:34

A national fast food chain has a secret menu you don't know about

0:23:340:23:38

and one of the items on that menu

0:23:380:23:40

is proving to be offensive to some people.

0:23:400:23:43

One creation you will not find on any of their menus,

0:23:430:23:45

but one that we were able to order

0:23:450:23:47

at three different Loreto area McDonald's is called a McGangBang.

0:23:470:23:50

LAUGHTER

0:23:500:23:52

# Doo-doo do doo I'm smashing it! #

0:23:520:23:55

LAUGHTER

0:23:550:23:56

The McGangBang?! I hope it doesn't come with a Happy Meal toy!

0:23:560:24:00

GROANING

0:24:010:24:03

So, are customers upset by the McGangBang burger? No!

0:24:030:24:07

In honour of the rude meal, they have been going to McDonald's,

0:24:070:24:10

finding a statue of Ronald and making him look like a pervert.

0:24:100:24:13

LAUGHTER

0:24:130:24:16

This lady takes it a stage further.

0:24:160:24:17

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

0:24:170:24:20

But this guy has to be the winner!

0:24:200:24:22

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:230:24:26

This is a story about a company who invented a filthy motorbike.

0:24:290:24:32

Ever been on the toilet and thought,

0:24:320:24:34

"If only I can do this while riding a bike"?

0:24:340:24:37

No.

0:24:370:24:38

Now your dreams may just become a reality.

0:24:380:24:41

Japanese toilet manufacturer Toto has invented the Toiletbike Neo,

0:24:410:24:46

a motorcycle powered entirely by human waste.

0:24:460:24:50

What?! Imagine what you'd look like riding that?

0:24:500:24:53

You can be the best looking person in the world,

0:24:530:24:55

when you're having a dump we all look a little bit Gollum.

0:24:550:24:59

This looks all right...this isn't.

0:24:590:25:02

In case some of you are interested, it has other features.

0:25:030:25:06

"Kill me!"

0:25:120:25:15

Full of shit and can't stop talking,

0:25:150:25:17

sounds like a description of this show.

0:25:170:25:19

LAUGHTER

0:25:200:25:22

APPLAUSE

0:25:220:25:25

Over in Northern Ireland, they've discovered a cunning escape artist.

0:25:250:25:29

'It began when farmer Tom Grant,

0:25:290:25:31

'having securely locked his valuable animals up for the night,

0:25:310:25:34

'found them roaming wild outside the next day.'

0:25:340:25:38

So, how did the animals escape? Did local kids set them free?

0:25:380:25:41

Nope, it was down to a clever cow called Daisy. Look what she did.

0:25:410:25:44

MUSIC: Theme from "The Great Escape"

0:25:440:25:47

'And with one bound, Daisy and her fellow C.O.Ws were free.'

0:25:590:26:05

I love that, "C.O.Ws!"

0:26:050:26:07

Like they're in prison,

0:26:070:26:09

"Look alive, girls. Tomorrow, we're going over the top.

0:26:090:26:12

"Last one back to Blighty is a McGangBang."

0:26:120:26:15

LAUGHTER

0:26:150:26:16

Mind you, not everyone is as gifted as Daisy.

0:26:160:26:19

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

0:26:200:26:22

What does that remind me of?

0:26:240:26:25

LAUGHTER

0:26:250:26:27

APPLAUSE

0:26:270:26:29

Tonight's story is an inspiring and emotional tale

0:26:350:26:37

of Yoshi and Emma De Silva

0:26:370:26:39

and the healing power of their baby's touch.

0:26:390:26:42

'After five years of trying,

0:26:420:26:43

'Yoshi and Emma were blessed with a daughter they named Eloise,

0:26:430:26:47

'but just 19 days later

0:26:470:26:49

'a dreadful accident put mother and daughter in hospital.

0:26:490:26:52

SIREN

0:26:520:26:55

I really thought to myself at that moment in time,

0:26:550:26:58

"I'm going to lose my daughter and my wife."

0:26:580:27:02

They basically said, "Your wife is seriously brain damaged.

0:27:020:27:07

"We'd like to switch the machines off."

0:27:070:27:09

'But gradually his little girl emerged from danger.'

0:27:090:27:13

I honestly believe that if one person could get her through this,

0:27:130:27:17

it was that little girl.

0:27:170:27:19

'Every day, Yoshi would bring Eloise to the hospital

0:27:190:27:23

'so she could hold her mother, touch her, skin on skin.

0:27:230:27:28

'Then, on one visit, Emma's eyelids began to move.'

0:27:290:27:33

She really dug in there and found her mother from somewhere...

0:27:370:27:42

cos I think Emma was very lost for a long time.

0:27:420:27:45

'And then, 12 weeks, 84 days after falling into a coma,

0:27:470:27:52

'Emma woke up...

0:27:520:27:54

'holding Eloise in her arms.

0:27:540:27:56

Push with your legs and stand up.

0:27:580:28:00

Emma, that's amazing.

0:28:000:28:02

That little girl saved two people, absolutely.

0:28:020:28:06

She saved her mother and absolutely she has saved me.

0:28:060:28:10

It's incredible, isn't it?

0:28:130:28:15

Saturday night - time for stand-up. These guys are brilliant.

0:28:190:28:22

They do a podcast called Peacock and Gamble.

0:28:220:28:24

Luckily, they are Peacock and Gamble - or that would be a mistake.

0:28:240:28:27

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the brilliant Peacock and Gamble.

0:28:270:28:31

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:310:28:33

-Take that off. Take that off.

-High five!

0:28:380:28:42

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. First of all, I'd just like to thank

0:28:420:28:45

BBC Three for having us here this evening...

0:28:450:28:47

No, no, no.

0:28:470:28:49

Oh, yeah, sorry. Just before we start,

0:28:490:28:52

Ray actually had something he wanted to tell you. So, Ray?

0:28:520:28:55

I saw a police car with its nee-naws on today.

0:28:580:29:01

LAUGHTER

0:29:010:29:03

-Yeah, he saw a police car with the sirens on...

-It was going really fast.

0:29:030:29:08

-How fast was it going?

-About thousand mousand miles an hour.

-A thousand...

0:29:080:29:12

3,000 miles an hour. I think something had happened.

0:29:120:29:16

I hope everyone is all right.

0:29:160:29:18

What we going to do tonight, Ray?

0:29:180:29:21

-A special thing, show off all of our different comedy things.

-Exactly.

0:29:210:29:24

We are going to show you a cross-section of our comedic repertoire -

0:29:240:29:28

what I like to call our comedy terrine.

0:29:280:29:30

Basically what we're going to do is a cross-section of our comedic repertoire,

0:29:300:29:34

which is what I like to call our comedy terrine.

0:29:340:29:37

LAUGHTER

0:29:370:29:39

-That's exactly what I just said.

-I know.

0:29:390:29:42

And I thought it was brilliant.

0:29:420:29:44

So, I re-Tweeted it for everyone to enjoy that.

0:29:440:29:48

All my followers in here.

0:29:480:29:51

-Live Twitter.

-That's not really what it is.

-Better than normal Twitter.

0:29:510:29:55

-Normal Twitter, you're held in, 140 characters.

-You are, yeah.

0:29:550:29:59

As many as you want with Live Twitter. I'll do another Tweet now.

0:29:590:30:03

-Go on.

-Doing telly programme, it's all right.

-Right, OK.

0:30:030:30:06

Another brilliant Tweet there, thank you.

0:30:060:30:09

-You've sort of just invented life, haven't you?

-Done all right.

0:30:090:30:12

-Tell them what we're going to do tonight.

-Well, tonight we've got

0:30:120:30:15

a very exciting bit. We're going to show all our talents off.

0:30:150:30:18

All the different talents as an audition for BBC Three, thank you very much indeed.

0:30:180:30:22

We're doing some great things.

0:30:220:30:23

Later on, he doesn't know about this, but I will be doing my new

0:30:230:30:26

ventriloquist act, thank you very much indeed.

0:30:260:30:29

No, that won't be happening. We've talked about that.

0:30:290:30:32

-Unfortunately that won't happen.

-He's called Naughty Keith - he's funny.

-That simply won't happen.

0:30:320:30:37

-Here's really rude.

-This is a comedy show. Have you brought our joke?

-Yes.

0:30:370:30:41

Yes. I have brought 12 jokes.

0:30:410:30:44

LAUGHTER

0:30:440:30:46

12? Have you really brought 12?

0:30:460:30:48

I can tell you're lying about that.

0:30:480:30:51

Have you learned how to lie off LA Noire?

0:30:510:30:53

-Do you not believe that?

-No.

0:30:530:30:54

That is a thing, that. No, I have brought, em, four jokes.

0:30:540:30:58

Four jokes? Four jokes is still good. Spread those out throughout.

0:30:580:31:02

No, do them all now. Do it all now. All at the very beginning.

0:31:020:31:05

Here we go for the first section, which is the joke section.

0:31:050:31:08

APPLAUSE

0:31:080:31:10

Looking forward to these. Here we go. Get ready for this now.

0:31:100:31:13

-Wait for this.

-Right...

0:31:130:31:17

-Knock knock. Who's there?

-Hang on, I can do that. I can do that.

0:31:170:31:22

Double act, traditional call and response. I can do "who's there?".

0:31:220:31:25

-Knock knock.

-Who's there? Just me.

-Just you on your own, that's fine.

0:31:250:31:30

-Yeah. Knock knock.

-Who's there?

0:31:300:31:32

Don't even mouth it. I've got all of it. I've got this.

0:31:320:31:38

-Knock knock.

-Who's there?

0:31:380:31:41

How does Batman's mum get him in for his dinner at night?

0:31:410:31:45

"Batman, your dinner's ready!"

0:31:450:31:47

LAUGHTER

0:31:470:31:48

-SINGS:

-"Dinner-dinner, Batman," that one.

0:31:480:31:51

So that's that one, is it?

0:31:510:31:53

-Why did you say, "knock knock"?

-It is a joke. Here's another one.

0:31:530:31:57

Brilliant. Here we go.

0:31:570:31:58

-Knock knock.

-Who's there?

-Oh, it is Christmas.

-No, it's not.

0:31:580:32:02

-Nearly Christmas.

-Not really, no.

-And with that in mind...

0:32:020:32:06

With that in mind? Who starts a joke with, "With that in mind"?

0:32:060:32:09

I'm setting up a premise for...

0:32:090:32:12

-With that in mind...

-All right.

-..what exams has Father Christmas got?

0:32:120:32:17

A-Levels, of course.

0:32:170:32:19

LAUGHTER

0:32:190:32:21

I see what you're aiming at, but the answer to that one is "Ho-ho-ho-Levels".

0:32:210:32:25

-Ho-ho-ho-Levels!

-But it doesn't work because it's not O-Levels any more, it's GCSEs.

0:32:250:32:30

What exams has Father Christmas got? GCSEs!

0:32:300:32:33

LAUGHTER

0:32:330:32:34

-That doesn't work, either.

-I'm sick of you.

-You're sick of me?

0:32:340:32:37

-There is no need for you.

-Right, OK.

-You are bang out of order, mate.

0:32:370:32:41

My mum is taping this and you're making me look stupid on television.

0:32:410:32:45

-I don't think I'm making you look stupid.

-And you put a suit on as well and didn't tell me about it.

0:32:450:32:50

I called you and said, "Let's dress smart for this." In your head, that translated as wear a sheriff's badge.

0:32:500:32:56

That's smart. That is smart.

0:32:560:32:59

-It's not smart in this century.

-It is smart in some places in the Westerns.

-It's not.

0:32:590:33:03

But, anyway, you're going to look stupid.

0:33:030:33:05

You have made a Rod for your own Jane and Freddy

0:33:050:33:08

because I am now going to do a brilliant section now.

0:33:080:33:11

It is time for my brand-new ventriloquism act.

0:33:110:33:13

Get ready for this.

0:33:130:33:14

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:33:140:33:17

-Here we go now.

-Please...

-Get ready for this.

0:33:170:33:20

HE SINGS

0:33:200:33:21

You're putting on a jacket. When I said, "dress smart," you could've...

0:33:210:33:25

-Here we go.

-What the fuck is that?

-Get ready.

0:33:250:33:29

What on Earth is that? Mate!

0:33:290:33:32

Oh, hello. What is your name?

0:33:320:33:35

-"My name is Naughty Keith!"

-Naughty Keith?

-Oh.

0:33:350:33:40

-Have you not prepared anything?

-I was making that!

0:33:400:33:44

Why do they call you Naughty Keith? "Because I am right bloody naughty, me!"

0:33:460:33:51

What is it? What is that?

0:33:510:33:52

LAUGHTER

0:33:520:33:55

-What naughty things have you done today?

-I don't even know what it is.

0:33:550:33:58

-"I poured petrol on a tramp and set fire to it!"

-No, mate, no.

0:33:580:34:03

Naughty Keith, you shouldn't really do that.

0:34:030:34:07

This is Naughty Keith, I know that. What on Earth is Naughty Keith?

0:34:070:34:11

-Right, it's a little puppet.

-Of what?

-Of a boy.

0:34:110:34:14

-Clearly a boy!

-What's happened to him?

0:34:140:34:17

He looks really sad. It's awful.

0:34:170:34:20

-You know that I like the Muppets?

-Yeah.

0:34:200:34:22

Love the Muppets, right. This is my one.

0:34:220:34:24

I'm going to take it to America, join the Muppets,

0:34:240:34:26

-make my fortune.

-Right.

-"Mahna Mahna!"

0:34:260:34:28

# Do-doo do-do-do... #

0:34:280:34:30

-"Piss!"

-Piss?

-Yeah, piss. Piss is his catchphrase. "Piss!"

0:34:300:34:34

LAUGHTER

0:34:340:34:36

-They will all be saying it tomorrow.

-They won't be, mate, no.

-Get it on a T-shirt.

0:34:360:34:40

-The word, not the thing.

-Right, it's not going to fit in with the Muppets.

0:34:400:34:44

-"Piss!"

-It's not going to fit in with the Muppets at all.

-Why?

0:34:440:34:47

It looks like it might rape Kermit.

0:34:470:34:49

-LAUGHTER

-"Piss!"

-Stop saying "piss".

0:34:490:34:52

-"Piss, piss, piss!"

-You're a terrible ventriloquist as well. It's not going to work.

0:34:520:34:56

-Your technique's terrible.

-AUDIENCE: Aw...

0:34:560:34:58

No, shut up! He's a grown man!

0:34:580:35:02

It's not going to work. The technique's awful.

0:35:020:35:04

I can see your lips moving.

0:35:040:35:06

That is my voice. That is me doing it.

0:35:060:35:09

-No, I know.

-Watch him. "Piss!"

0:35:090:35:12

Now watch me. "Piss!" It's me!

0:35:120:35:14

LAUGHTER

0:35:140:35:16

How can I do it without moving my lips?

0:35:160:35:18

That's like saying to someone, "Look over there, but keep your eyes shut."

0:35:180:35:22

-I can't do it.

-Second point on technique, you're supposed to make that look like it is coming alive.

0:35:220:35:27

When you are talking as yourself it's just down by your side.

0:35:270:35:30

And you're constantly making it talk upside down

0:35:300:35:33

and I literally just saw you use it to scratch your head with.

0:35:330:35:36

LAUGHTER

0:35:360:35:38

-My hand is in it!

-I know!

-I think he thinks it's real.

-No, I don't, mate.

0:35:380:35:43

-"Piss!"

-Stop saying, "piss".

0:35:430:35:45

-It is a catchphrase!

-It's not a catchphrase, it's just a swear-word.

0:35:450:35:49

-What the fuck are you doing?

-I'm sorry. Don't do that.

0:35:490:35:53

That is naughty. Don't get violent, Naughty Keith.

0:35:530:35:56

That is not Naughty Keith. It's you, a man in his 30s with in binbag on his hand punching someone.

0:35:560:36:00

LAUGHTER

0:36:000:36:02

Anyone can do something like that. "Oh, look, who's this? It's Rude Kelly."

0:36:020:36:06

Ow! What was that for? That is my BCG!

0:36:060:36:08

-It's not working.

-Pus will come out of that now.

-Give it here.

0:36:080:36:13

I can't already have baths.

0:36:130:36:16

-You've got me, all right? You don't need him.

-That is a fair comment.

0:36:160:36:20

We're a double act. You don't need Naughty Keith.

0:36:200:36:22

-You're right.

-Now, ladies and gentlemen, we've actually got quite an exciting Batman finale for you.

0:36:220:36:27

A musical finale where we'll play some villains from Batman... What you doing?

0:36:270:36:31

Don't need a puppet, we've got a double act, it's fine. I've got Ed, don't need a puppet.

0:36:310:36:36

-So, quite exciting... What you doing?

-Nothing.

0:36:360:36:41

So, I'll be playing a villain, he'll be playing a villain...

0:36:410:36:45

Mate, what...

0:36:450:36:47

What are you doing?

0:36:470:36:50

-You know we're best friends? I hope you don't mind me saying that?

-You can say that, fine.

0:36:500:36:54

-I thought I would have a go at fisting you.

-No.

0:36:540:36:57

LAUGHTER

0:36:570:36:58

-Just one turn of it?

-No, you're not allowed to fist.

-Fist it!

0:36:580:37:02

-Fist it!

-What's that, some new version of Bop It?

-Yeah!

0:37:020:37:08

-Flick it, twist it, fist it...

-Fist it!

0:37:080:37:11

LAUGHTER

0:37:110:37:12

-Stop it.

-What are you...

0:37:120:37:16

-Nothing.

-Who you looking at?

0:37:160:37:17

-You spotted someone you like?

-Fist it!

0:37:170:37:20

No, you can't say, "fist it," to ladies.

0:37:200:37:24

I'm not. I don't even fancy her.

0:37:240:37:26

-You do. I can see you do in your eyes.

-Shut up!

0:37:260:37:30

That's not how you get ladies. Why not just try talking to her, Ray?

0:37:300:37:33

-Yeah?

-Yeah. Just have a chat.

-Everyone can see...

0:37:330:37:37

-Just talk to her, be a bit smoother.

-All right, I'll walk towards her.

-Go on, then.

0:37:370:37:41

LAUGHTER

0:37:410:37:42

-That's good.

-Hello!

0:37:420:37:45

-Hi.

-What is your name?

-That's good, ask her her name.

0:37:450:37:48

-Rachel.

-Rachel.

0:37:480:37:50

-Are you all right for cock?

-No, that's...

0:37:520:37:54

LAUGHTER

0:37:540:37:55

No.

0:37:580:37:59

-Rachel, you have got a lovely, pretty face.

-That's good.

0:37:590:38:02

-I will decorate it for you.

-No!

0:38:020:38:04

LAUGHTER

0:38:040:38:07

-Oh, God!

-What?

-That's not what I meant. Oh, God! That sounded wrong, sorry.

0:38:070:38:12

-I meant spunk on it.

-LAUGHTER

0:38:120:38:15

-You've really upset that lady.

-It's all right, isn't it?

0:38:170:38:20

OK, so now it's time for the Batman finale, ladies and gentlemen.

0:38:200:38:23

-No. I don't think we should do it.

-What do you mean?

0:38:230:38:26

-I said last night we shouldn't do the Batman finale.

-Why?

-You look brilliant as the Joker.

0:38:260:38:30

Yeah, I'm going to be the Joker, mate. Get that all on there.

0:38:300:38:34

-My character doesn't make sense.

-What?

-The character you gave me isn't in Batman.

0:38:340:38:38

-It's a really famous villain.

-No, it's not. I've read the comics.

0:38:380:38:41

-It's not in it at all.

-Right, OK.

-That looks brilliant!

0:38:410:38:46

-I know. Joker, isn't it?

-I should be the Penguin.

0:38:460:38:48

No, your character was in the last film. Really famous.

0:38:480:38:52

-It wasn't in the last film! I've seen it.

-It was. Go and get changed.

0:38:520:38:56

-Really famous.

-You'll make me look really stupid.

-You've done that already.

0:38:560:39:00

LAUGHTER

0:39:000:39:01

Batman finale, here we go.

0:39:010:39:03

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the Batman finale.

0:39:030:39:08

Good evening! I am the Joker.

0:39:100:39:14

Welcome to Gotham City.

0:39:140:39:17

You are all my hostages.

0:39:170:39:20

If Batman does not arrive within the next five minutes,

0:39:200:39:24

we will all be blown to smithereens.

0:39:240:39:27

But I could not have done this alone.

0:39:270:39:30

I had to have an accomplice.

0:39:300:39:33

So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

0:39:330:39:36

the man you knew as Harvey Dent.

0:39:360:39:38

What?

0:39:380:39:41

-It's Two-Face!

-Oh!

0:39:410:39:44

-What?

-Oh, shit.

0:39:440:39:46

-What?

-I know that one.

0:39:460:39:48

-What do you mean?

-Oh, mate.

0:39:480:39:50

Shit, mate...

0:39:500:39:52

LAUGHTER

0:39:520:39:53

APPLAUSE

0:39:530:39:56

-I don't want to look.

-Two-Face, that is one.

0:40:000:40:03

Oh, my fucking God!

0:40:030:40:04

Oh, my God!

0:40:060:40:08

-Two-Face!

-Two-Face, yeah.

0:40:080:40:10

-That is why you have got to text it.

-Where did you even get that from?

0:40:100:40:14

-Boots.

-Boots?

-It's a chemist.

0:40:140:40:17

I know it's a chemist! How's this going to work? It's supposed to be a big sinister song,

0:40:170:40:22

the big villain sinister finale song

0:40:220:40:24

and I'm going to be the Joker and you're going to be doing a fucking Colgate advert.

0:40:240:40:29

-No. It'll be fine.

-How will it be fine?

-We can blag it.

0:40:290:40:32

How can we blag it?

0:40:320:40:33

-You look like a prop from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.

-No, listen.

0:40:330:40:37

-New baddie.

-New baddie?

0:40:370:40:39

-New baddie, thank you.

-Toothpaste is a new Batman baddie?

0:40:390:40:42

-I have got fluoride.

-That's not scary!

0:40:420:40:44

What's Batman going to do, just roll you up from the bottom?

0:40:440:40:49

-We can do it.

-We can't. The song's going to make no sense.

0:40:490:40:51

You sing your bits and I will blag around it.

0:40:510:40:53

It'll be fine. No-one will notice. Ready?

0:40:530:40:56

OK, play the music, go.

0:40:560:40:58

INTRODUCTION PLAYS

0:40:580:41:00

# Gotham city late at night

0:41:020:41:05

# Two master criminals in plain sight

0:41:050:41:09

# We're here to bring this city down...

0:41:090:41:15

-Rubbish.

-You're fine.

0:41:150:41:18

# I am the Joker

0:41:180:41:19

# And I'm toothpaste

0:41:190:41:22

# We're a couple of naughty boys

0:41:220:41:25

# I've a band of henchmen from Gotham slums

0:41:250:41:29

# And I'm ideal for sensitive gums

0:41:290:41:32

# Gotham is ours You won't be given a chance

0:41:320:41:35

# So everybody do the Clean Teeth dance

0:41:350:41:39

# Da da-da...

0:41:390:41:42

It's quite good fun.

0:41:420:41:43

Oh, look. I'm Harvey Dent-ist.

0:41:430:41:45

That is good.

0:41:450:41:46

# Da da-da...

0:41:460:41:48

You might have saved this.

0:41:480:41:50

-# We are the baddest man...

-Kick!

0:41:500:41:54

-# This town has...

-Go right through the middle.

0:41:540:41:57

# Ever seen

0:41:570:42:01

# I'll blow up your wife.

0:42:010:42:04

You naughty boy!

0:42:040:42:05

# And I'll...keep...

0:42:050:42:08

# Your mouth clean...

0:42:080:42:12

Testify! I'll do this.

0:42:120:42:15

# Your lips, your tongue, your gums and all the bits in between. #

0:42:150:42:19

All friends in the end!

0:42:190:42:21

APPLAUSE

0:42:210:42:23

-Thank you!

-Thanks very much! We've been Peacock and Gamble!

0:42:240:42:29

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Peacock and Gamble!

0:42:290:42:32

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:320:42:35

-Thank you very much for watching Good News. Goodnight.

-APPLAUSE

0:42:390:42:43

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:43:000:43:02

E-mail [email protected]

0:43:020:43:04

Extended version of the topical comedy show in which Russell Howard offers up his unique perspective on the news stories that have dominated the media over the past seven days. In search of the weird, the wonderful and the just plain odd, Russell and his crack team plough through over 60 news channels from across the world, read over 140 newspapers and watch over 1,000 clips all for your viewing pleasure. While there's no way of knowing what tangent the world of news will take, Russell will, as always, be joined by special mystery guests and sign off the show with an often under-reported feelgood tale of triumph, courage or kindness.

Since it debuted on 22nd October 2009, ratings have grown from 1.7million a week to 3.9 million a week. Russell has over two million fans on Facebook and is the third most searched for comedian on Google. The show has also reached the number one Twitter trending spot in the UK for episodes aired during both series three and four.

Russell Howard's Good News is filmed in front of a live studio audience. Viewers at home can shape the show's agenda by submitting news stories online via Twitter @bbcgoodnews.


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