Episode 5 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Hello, and welcome to Good News.

Hope you've had a good week. So, what's been happening?

Well, Alan Johnson revealed the most unprofessional thing he's ever done.

Fingered a senior civil servant.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I tell you what, Chris Hollins needs to work on his street slang.

Your mummy!

Did anyone else see Louis Walsh's sperm on telly?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Here's a tip, never interview someone on a trampoline.

Emma? Emma?

Emma?

Over on BBC News, they interviewed the world anal champions.

It's not for everyone, is it, those tight spaces?

Here's a couple of guys who love it.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

And finally, Denise Roberts has got a terrifying stare.

Leave us to get on with it.

When you see it a second time, it gets even scarier!

Leave us to get on with it.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

APPLAUSE

So, the big news for me was this.

I broke my hand!

In case you didn't see what happened.

Last week, I broke it by doing press-ups on a breakable stool.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

Oh, I love that(!)

Not, "Aw!"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I thought you were going to go, "Aww!" and you all applauded!

What a weird... "Look, he can barely move his hand!"

I was in agony!

Still, you can rely on your mates in a crisis.

Here's some texts I received minutes after the news broke.

Here's one from my mate, Steve.

And my personal favourite came from my filthy toad of a brother.

Cheers, bruv.

If you think I had a bad week, it's nothing compared to this guy.

FIFA President Sepp Blatter made a complete tool of himself.

Sepp Blatter, President of FIFA, football's world governing body,

has said the game does not have a problem with racism

and believes any racist incidents can be settled with a handshake.

You can say what you want, as long as you shake hands.

If that's the case, Sepp Blatter you are an ignorant, out of touch,

-overpaid, fat old

-BLEEP!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK? We'll be friends?

Did you see how he responded to this racial controversy?

He put this photo on a FIFA website.

A picture of him hugging a black man!

"He's my best friend!"

What you can't see - that bloke's feet are in chains.

To be honest,

it's hardly surprising Blatter's been in the news.

He's said some outrageous things.

Last year, Blatter was forced to apologise

after suggesting that...

What does he think they're going to do?!

"We scored! Somebody bum me!"

What a moron!

Mind you,

I'd love to see the photo he showed to prove he wasn't homophobic.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

It's amazing he's still in the job!

Look what he said about John Terry, last year.

'When John Terry was sacked because of an alleged affair,

'Blatter said...'

That is shocking!

'When he was asked what might make women's football more appealing...'

He's not all bad. I'm joking!

Nobody wants to see a camel toe.

In royal news,

the rumour mill is in overdrive...

The English press said nothing.

The US media - they've gone bat-shit crazy.

The pressure is on. The world is waiting.

Could the rumours actually be true?

Tongues are wagging uncontrollably.

Does Kate Middleton have a bun in the oven?

-Baby.

-Baby.

-Baby.

-Baby.

-Are we making too big a deal about this?

Yes!

They reckon she's pregnant because she was rubbing her belly

and she wouldn't eat nuts.

That isn't pregnancy, that's a sick squirrel.

"I shouldn't have had those acorns."

Mind you, the American reaction has got nothing

on our old friends, at Taiwanese news.

Look what they reckon the Queen did.

REPORTER SPEAKS IN TAIWANESE

Popping a johnny!

"Philip! We must have an heir!

"Sprinkle some Viagra in his tea."

"OK, Liz.

"One for Will...one for me!"

If you think what they did with the Queen was odd.

Look at the way they ended the report. I've watched this ten times.

I still have no idea what is going on.

REPORTER SPEAKS IN TAIWANESE

LAUGHTER

No idea.

In political news,

it's been a bad week for Barack Obama.

Someone shot at the White House.

The Secret Service found a bullet in a White House window.

Officials think they know who fired the shot.

Who would fire a gun at the first-ever black President?

It was fine.

They shook hands afterwards.

I'm joking. It wasn't Blatter.

Police reckon it was this guy.

'A man suspected of shooting at the White House last Friday

'has been charged with the attempted assassination of President Obama.'

Shit! I hope Obama's OK.

It must have been a close shot

if he's been charged with attempted murder.

Neither the President nor his family were in the White House that night.

He wasn't even there!

He wasn't even in the country!

Obama was in Australia.

How shit an assassin do you have to be

when you miss by 8,000 miles?

I haven't seen a miss that bad since this...

I don't think I'm that tall.

LAUGHTER

What kind of dick gets filmed breaking his hand?!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Over in South Africa, a couple have got engaged.

Listen to this woman describe her feelings for her fiance.

Sounds perfect. Perfect until you find out why she's in the news.

In South Africa, an engaged couple just found out

they're actually brother and sister.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

No, no, no, no, no.

It could have been worse, they could have found out during sex.

"Who's your daddy?"

"He's called Peter Smith."

"Same here!

"Where does he live?"

"Bristol."

"Same here!

"Next you'll be telling me he's six foot and walks with a limp."

"Oh, God!"

As you'd imagine,

they split up straight away.

It's a good job they didn't get married.

"Does anyone know of any reason why these two should not be married?"

"Yeah, their kids will have gills!"

That isn't the only strange love story in the news.

Over in Scotland, an eel is being released from captivity

so he can go and have sex.

This is Rick.

For the past seven years this tank at Macduff Aquarium has been his home.

But Rick's outgrown his surroundings and is restless,

and ready to swim thousands of miles to find a mate.

He must have been so lonely in there.

# All by myself. #

"All I want is love.

"A lovely lady eel,

"that I can call my own."

So...did poor Rick make it to the ocean?

'Local people gathered to watch.'

-BOY:

-There he is!

CROWD CHEERS

'A few moments later he was free

'and heading for the ocean deep.'

He's free!

# I'm going to get me some eel ass!

# I'm going to get me some eel ass! #

"Hey, ladies, what's six-foot long, black and hard? Fucking me!"

# I'm going to get me some eel ass I'm going to get me some eel ass! #

"What's happening, Nemo? I'm going boning!"

# I'm going to get me some... #

And so on.

He must be SO happy. Seven years with no sex.

Imagine the joy when he finally gets it on.

Congers die after spawning.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Poor sod! "This is amazing, this is...

"Oh, bollocks!"

I tell you what, if I was an eel I would never orgasm.

At the point of climax I'd think of something terrifying,

something guaranteed to make me lose my erection.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Cheers, Denise.

Next up this week, a video of a posh man chasing his dog

has become an internet sensation.

I'd argue that you will never hear a better pronunciation of the words

Jesus Christ and Benton, anywhere.

Benton! Benton!

Benton!

Right, Benton!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Benton!

LAUGHTER

Benton! Benton!

It could have been worse.

At least his dog wasn't called, "I'm A Paedophile."

Have a look at this story about a child artist.

A nine-year-old boy from Norfolk made more than £100,000 today.

Art prodigy Kieron Williamson's pictures

went on display at an exhibition this morning

and sold out in just over ten minutes.

Nine years old and he sold paintings for 100 grand.

When I was nine I was just doing this, aah!

"Good day, Russell?"

"Very good day actually, Mum. Got to go, busy, aah!"

Let's hope he doesn't get into modern art.

"Kieron, what have you done?!"

"I call it, Dog Chopped In Half."

He may be the toast of the art world but his sister...not a massive fan.

A bit boring, but they're OK.

What do you wish he would paint?

Like...dinosaurs or something,

like, more realistic.

-LAUGHTER

-I love that.

D'you reckon she's like that with all art?

"I like the Mona Lisa

"but I'd rather she was holding hands with a T-Rex."

My favourite part of the report is the moment one woman realises

how much she's paid for one of Kieron's paintings.

What have you paid?

£12,500 for a painting.

-Did you realise?

-No, I didn't realise.

I thought it was £1,200!

"He's nine years old!

"Just give him a Curly Wurly!

"I'm not paying... it's just a picture of a boat!

"There's not even a dinosaur on it!"

The poor woman's had no luck with children's art.

She paid nine grand for this picture of scissors.

Now, here's a story about a freaky obsession.

How would you feel if your husband or wife turned one of your bedrooms

into a shrine,

and what if that shrine was to... the Chuckle Brothers?

Well, I'd be terrified.

How long have you been doing this?

About 10, 11 years

I've been collecting their memorabilia.

# Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision

# Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision

# Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision. #

Well, that is every single shade of creepy!

But then, he was on the news.

I doubt the reporter took the piss out of him.

Is this an obsession, Shaun?

-No.

-Do you feel you need help?

Sensitive!

You ever followed them home and sat in the bushes?

"Come on, would you wear their skin as a cape?"

Unbelievably, this Chuckle lover is married.

He's got a poster of his heroes - look where he wants to put it.

I've got a big poster that might go nice above the back of our bed.

-Right.

-You know? But...

I might just sneak it up one night while Sonia's not looking.

"Yeah...

"When she's asleep, I'll creep up to her,

"and draw a tiny moustache on her face."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

To be fair to him, everyone's got a strange obsession.

I mean, I cannot stop watching this.

DOG YELPS

You may remember, last year we found a house that looked like Hitler.

Well...he's back.

-D'you want to see it?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

There he is.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

The trouble is, once you notice Hitler in one thing,

you start seeing him everywhere.

You start seeing him in goldfish.

In shampoo bottles.

And sometimes, if you look closely, you can even see him in dogs.

That isn't the strangest discovery this week.

Look what they've found in Russia.

The woman claims she kept an alien in her fridge for two years.

A woman kept an alien in her fridge.

That is going to change the Lurpak advert.

HE IMITATES TROMBONE SOUND

What the fuck is that?!

How mad is this woman?

"Oh, look, an alien, shall I call the police?

"No, I'll put it next to me bacon."

They've actually got footage of this creature.

She supposedly found this dead alien

by a burning wreckage of its space craft,

in the north west of Russia, in Karelia.

That is not an alien.

It looks like someone's kicked the fuck out of Mr Toad!

It's clearly bollocks.

The Metro summed it up best.

Unless that was their plan.

"We have travelled here,

"to find out if the light stays on after you shut the fridge door."

"It doesn't."

"Shit."

Whether it's an alien or not, one thing we can all agree on -

there are worst things to find in your fridge.

"Waaah!"

From a dead alien to a strange funeral parlour.

Cecil Gilmore is a Rock Hill, South Carolina mortician,

who will likewise pose you dead,

as you were in life.

Instead of being led down in your coffin,

you could be posed doing your favourite thing.

Have a look how this works.

This Pittsburgh Steeler fan wake has the guest of honour

watching Steeler highlights, remote in hand.

His family wanted to remember him as he was.

Lazy.

I'm not sure this is a good idea.

It could lead to some terrible misunderstandings.

"What have you done?!

"When I said anal, I meant she was tidy!"

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

"My poor mum!"

"What have you done to my brother?

"I said he loved pussy."

"Why is he holding a cat?!"

LAUGHTER

"You made him look like a fool in front of all of his friends!"

Mind you, if that funeral's not for you,

you could always do this with your ashes...

A company called Holy Smoke is offering a new service

where they turn your ashes into bullets.

That's right, you can turn dead relatives into bullets.

Only Americans would think,

"Granddad's dead, let's turn him into ammo."

It's fair to say the lady interviewing the people

who came up with this idea - not really a fan.

Two Alabama game rangers dreamed up the idea.

I mean, it's weird, right?

'It's different.'

No, it's weird.

She's right. He's insane.

Not only does he want to be turned into a bullet when he dies,

he wants that bullet to be fired at a turkey.

Look what he said...

How could you hate turkeys that much?

What happened?

BEATING

Son of a bitch!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news.

I have to figure out who that person is. Please, welcome my mystery guest.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, there. Are you well?

I'm good, thanks.

-How are you?

-Not so bad.

-What's your name?

-My name's Kevin Griffiths.

You look a bit like

a more attractive version

of Harold from Neighbours.

I answer to many things, but that's a new one on me.

You answer to many things?

Mr Pastry. I get all sorts.

Mr Pastry?

Is that to do with some form of sexual role play?

-Could be! Depends what you want.

-Really?

Are you in the news

because you've been banned from every Greggs in the world?

I am, but that's for a different reason.

So, Mr Pastry or Kevin, welcome to Skipton.

I've done a gig there.

Have you?

At the Ark. Do you know the Ark?

Yes, we helped build it.

-You built it?

-Yes, the Ark.

You're not Noah, are you?

-You look like a Beefeater, it's not that, is it?

-No, it's not that.

-Do you want me to get some clues out of the box?

-Yeah, sure.

Pop your box open. Let's have a look.

Right, oh, let's have a look.

You're a town crier.

Hey! There you go.

You open a box and I know exactly what's going on.

-You're a town crier?

-Yes.

Fantastic.

The reason I've come here today

is to show you how to do a bit of town-crying.

But the reason I was in the news... I have just become,

for the second year running, the British national champion.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-What we're going to do... Just hold that for a second.

-Sure.

-Where have you seen that hat before?

-Pirates Of The Caribbean?

Yes, because it was made by the same bloke that made Jack Sparrow's hat.

Is that right?

It's the same, but mine's black, his is brown.

Wouldn't it be lovely

if Johnny Depp was going, "Who makes the other one of these?

"I've got the same one as Mr Pastry."

So...that's mine.

You were going to have one that big,

but we decided since you smashed your hand, you might not be able to handle

a big bell end, so we got you that one.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Put your hat on.

What we're going to do, I'll teach you how to do a bit of town-crying.

We try and warm the voice up first.

Can you sing?

Can I sing? No, not at all.

KEVIN SINGS AND RUSSELL LAUGHS

Can do you that?

You just went, # Aaa, aaaa... #

Next thing, mirening and sirening.

Mirening and...

-Mweo-ow! Can you do that?

-Mweo-ow!

Yeah. Sirening... HIGH PITCHED: Mweo-ow!

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Mweo-ow!

-Mweow-wow!

-Mweow-wow!

-Mweow-wow!

-Mweow-wow!

That's lifting your voice up.

What's lovely, at this exact moment there'll be cats

all over the land watching the telly, going "What's going on?"

Here's a song for you

to get your face working and get your diction and inflection working.

So, it's a little ditty for you.

# Papa's got a head like a ping-pong ball

# Ping-pong ball, ping-pong ball

# Papa's got a head like a ping-pong ball, ping-pong, ping-pong ball. #

Over to you.

# People shouldn't make fun of Papa He's got something wrong with him

# He's got a head like a ping-pong ball, ping-pong ball

# Ping-pong ball

# Papa's got a head like a ping-pong ball

# Don't put him near the fire. #

So now that you're ready for all this... LAUGHTER

-We've got a cry each to do.

-Yeah.

-I've written one especially for thee.

-OK.

-Are you ready for this?

BELL RINGS

Oye, oye! Ho ye, ho ye!

Skipton men have handsome looks,

lovely, rounded bellies.

But Skipton, it means "sheep town",

so don't be seen in wellies!

God Save the Queen. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well done, my friend. Very nice.

Right this is mine. I've got to do all that stuff at the beginning.

BELLS RINGS

Eh, eh?!

Oye, oye, oh, yay!

I broke my hand doing press-ups on a stool.

I haven't showered for a week since it happened, that is true.

I have to ask my mates to chop my food up, like I'm four.

Good night. There you go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A pleasure meeting you, sir.

Put your hands together for my mystery guest.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.

Next up, I challenge you to find a fight story stranger than this...

That's insane! Look at this...

Over the lush, green pastures of Gippsland, there's a turf war.

In the paddock, it's cattle country.

To the herd, the koala is public enemy number one.

COW MOOS

How can cows be scared of this guy?

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

And he's willing to learn!

Maybe the koalas are winding the cows up.

"Hey, Daisy, what goes, 'Moo, sss?'

"Your mum on a fucking barbie!"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Whatever happens, it's going to be a crap fight.

They're both ridiculously docile animals.

"Cows versus koalas."

It'd be the shittest action movie ever.

In a world where leather hates fur,

it's...

There'll be...

..and...

COWS MOO

It's going to be...

APPLAUSE

In retail, have you seen the latest perfume hitting the streets?

'We enlisted the services of Robin Taylor,

'who runs the Perfume Studio,

'to design a scent that reeks of Camden.'

They've made a perfume that smells of Camden, in north London.

What's the aroma? Roses, lavender?

-I can smell sweet 'n' sour pork balls, in there.

-Great!

I can smell the moss.

-I can smell...

-The bottom of the barge, there?

I think I even glimpse a rat.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

Rats, canals and moss. Who wants to smell like this guy's ball bag?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Next, have you seen what they're doing with cash machines?

At five ATMs across East London,

instead of using plain English, you can opt for the Cockney version.

Cockney cash machines? That would be an absolute nightmare!

BUTTONS BEEP

'I ain't giving you nothing, you slag!

'Jog on, you muppet!'

Tonight's story's about a high school basketball player

who never gave up. Check this out, it's wonderful.

Jason McElwain, or J Mac, as his friends call him.

Diagnosed with autism at two-years-old.

He's never considered himself different or separate.

It's not a big deal at all.

I'm just normal like other people. That's the way I am.

At five foot six, J Mac didn't make the junior varsity basketball team

at his high school.

Instead, he became team manager.

February 15th, Greece Athena against Spencerport.

Senior night.

With word out that Jason might play,

the student section printed signs of J Mac's face, just in case.

And with 4.19 left in the game,

coach called down to the end of the bench for number 52.

He came into the game, they all stood up

and they put those signs, the pictures of him up.

I got really emotional. I sat down and started to cry.

With 3.46 left, Jason got the ball.

When he missed that first throw, I was like, "Oh!"

An air ball, I was like, "Man, I just want to see him score one time."

That third trip down the court...

magic.

CHEERING

As soon as I started hitting my first shot,

I kept shooting, and I was hot as a pistol.

Shot after shot after shot.

He comes down the court right at the end with three seconds left

and he hits this one that's probably like an NBA three.

As soon as the gun ended, they stormed the court.

In his first and only varsity basketball game,

J Mac was the high scorer.

Truly the most incredible moment

I've ever had in coaching,

I was so touched and...

it was just so special to me,

that a young man... His dream came true.

Hot as a pistol.

It's Saturday, which means it's time for my stand-up guest.

He's fantastic. He did Edinburgh earlier this year and was a sell-out success, so...

Please, welcome Naz Osmanoglu!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, how are we doing? Are we well? AUDIENCE: Yes!

Hello, my name's Naz Osmanoglu.

I'm half-English, half-Turkish. Any Turks in?

SILENCE Didn't think so.

There's one deranged man in the corner there. All right, Dad!

All right.

I know you're thinking, "You don't look Turkish, you don't sound Turkish."

But my full name is in fact Nazim Ziaeddin Nazim Osmanoglu.

And yes, my first name does feature twice in that atrocity.

Good evening, lovely to be here. I do have that Turkish fire that burns deep within.

As a result, I will open the door for a lady,

but also spear an infidel...

if provoked.

"Will you pass the brie?" "Impale the brie!

"Impale three wheels of brie!

"And feed it to our Turkish friend!"

I want to talk tonight about masculinity and manliness.

I thought, where better to begin than the appointed Scout leader, Bear Grylls?

Do we know who Bear Grylls is? CHEERING

If you don't, he's a TV survival expert and he's fucking mental.

His name is BEAR Grylls.

"Bear", a ferocious animal, plus "Grylls",

one of the more masculine verbs for cooking.

Don't fuck with Bear, London!

You watch his programme, and he's like... HE GRUNTS

"Hello! I'm Bear Grylls.

"See this rock?" HE MUNCHES

"Oh, that's a good rock. That's a fucking good rock!

"What do you mean, I can't eat rocks? I'm Bear Grylls, I can eat anything!

"Beetles' dung, I've had five! Is that a gazelle? I'll kill it with my balls!"

He's just arrogant. You watch his programme,

Bear's the kind of guy who says his own name as he leaves the room.

"Yeah, thanks for the rocks, guys, I'll see you later.

"Bear Grylls."

Or when he hangs up on the phone.

IN LOVEY VOICE: "OK, bye. I love you too. No, no, I love you more.

"No, you hang up first, OK. Bye, pumpkin, bye."

IN GRUFF VOICE: "Bear Grylls."

I can imagine his pregnant mother going in for her ultrasound at 10 weeks,

and the doctor's there with the scanner.

This can be the scanner.

I've never seen a scanner before.

It's a big scanner!

She's a large woman.

And they're scanning away.

I don't know how they scan.

It's got to be less sexually aggressive than this!

"Oh, congratulations, Mrs Grylls, it's a boy!

"He's a little larger than we anticipated

"and, well, he appears to be...camping."

"Oh, that's wonderful news! I wonder what I should call him."

And at that moment, Bear appears,

clambering out of his mother's vagina.

"Call me Bear, Mother!" he demands,

as he exits her, fully grown,

six months early,

fully intact with Swiss Army scrotum.

And compasses instead of nipples.

"North! True north!

"I'm Bear Grylls!" he reminds her,

as he severs the umbilical cord with his teeth.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

"Wait, I've left some camping equipment in there!

"I'm going back in!

"Bear Grylls!"

For me...

For me, the real hero of the programme isn't actually Bear.

It's his cameraman.

Cos whilst Bear is swimming with crocs and eating rocks and all the rest of it,

his cameraman is doing everything that Bear does,

whilst carrying a fucking camera.

He's the real hero.

For me, my Englishness gets in the way. I can't be brash and bold.

I get very embarrassed. One of the things that gets me embarrassed is going to the dentist.

I don't know how you feel? I hate it.

The bright lights, the metal, the...fingering. It's terrifying.

There is a bit of a back-story to this.

When I was about six or seven,

I happened across my first example of explicit footage.

Pornography. I was very young, maybe six or seven. Very small.

The door was ajar and through the little hole in the door, I could see a television screen.

And on that screen, was a dentist in his white coat, drilling,

but not...drilling...his assistant in the leany-back chair.

And I was shocked. I was confused.

I dropped my Petit Filous. It was that big.

It was a big day.

That sexual frustration and anxiety has stayed with me to date

and made going to the dentist more difficult.

It is difficult, you have to talk to the dentist, a strange man.

"Hello! I'm the dentist!"

"How are you, dentist?" "I'm fine, I've just been to the Maldives, actually."

Why have dentists always just been on fucking holiday?

"Right, let me put on these protective eye goggles,

"just in case I slip and fuck up your face, ha ha!"

Then he puts his finger into your mouth.

And this is the bit I can't deal with,

cos normally when an alien entity enters my mouth,

Detective Tongue wants to investigate.

Of course he does! He's a good detective!

"Is it food? Is it genitals? I don't know! Let's find out!"

He goes for it no matter what the situation is,

but in this situation, it's highly inappropriate cos it's a man's gloved finger.

And I'm paying him to put it in my mouth.

The detective doesn't give a shit! He's a renegade! He throws the rule book out the window!

He just goes for the finger!

He laps at the finger, he lunges, he twists around the finger.

The dentist gets embarrassed and moves to the molars on the other side

but Detective Tongue cowlicks across and starts to suck it voraciously.

And the whole time, I've got a boner cos the pornography I watched 18 and a half years ago!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do you want to hear my most embarrassing story?

AUDIENCE: Yes! Woo!

Someone's very enthusiastic over there!

Has anyone ever been to Amsterdam? HUSHED MURMURS

There's always a pause before people answer that.

And of the people who murmured "yes",

has anyone ever been to a... (live sex show?)

SCATTERED GIGGLING Just some giggling members at the front.

I went with a few of my friends and I went to a live sex show.

But I didn't realise that audience participation is heavily encouraged.

I'm not trying to fuck anyone.

It's just a fact.

And I was sitting in the front row, and suddenly they got me up on stage, but it was fine.

We did a bit of a dance, we did the conga, and then a man in a gorilla outfit scared us

and it was hilarious in a sort of Dutch way.

Audience participation - tick! Sat back down again.

Then the second act came out, a solo act all in leather, with a whip.

And suddenly, I found myself up on stage again

cos she was good with the whip.

And she put a collar around my neck and started walking me around the stage like a dog,

which is fine cos I like dogs. I'm an animal lover, that's OK.

What I didn't deal with very well was the contraption...

..that she then went to get from the back of the stage

and then fixed into position.

This contraption, ladies and gentlemen,

can only be described...

SCATTERED CHUCKLES

..as a black...

10 inch...

strap-on, head dildo.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Which I was now wearing like a slutty unicorn!

LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE

And she was there, ready.

Two chin straps, it's not coming off.

The audience are all waiting.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, out of embarrassment,

and almost a sense of duty...

I fucked her with my head.

It looked a bit like this.

"I am so-o-o-o sorry, madam, that I'm being forced to do this to you.

"I'm struggling to maintain any sort of rhythm because of how upset I am!"

Inside, I was crying. Outside, I was fucking someone with my head!

Three minutes I performed that heinous operation!

Someone in the front row actually vomited...

..as I literally became a dickhead.

LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE

I've been talking about all the stupid things I do. Lots of comedians do.

But, why would you brag about all the sensible things that you do?

"Oh, yeah, I do loads of intelligent things. See this?

"Insured." It's just boring. It's boring.

Mind you, considering things I don't like, I hate texting.

I'm not a big texter. Any texters in? AUDIENCE WHOOPS

You're wrong. I hate texting.

My main qualm with texting is that when you text someone,

and you're awaiting reply, you know, in real-time,

how little they care about you.

That never happens in a face-to-face conversation, does it?

"All right, how are you doing?" "Not too bad, got any plans tonight?" "No."

"Do you want to go for a drink?"

LAUGHTER

"You haven't said anything in ages."

"Out of credit."

"Um, are you going to answer my question?"

"Hahaha, LOL, Naz, mwah!"

Mind you, I do have a Turkish side.

And one of the things that brings out my inner Turk is when I get angry.

When I get passionate.

Something that's been making me angry and passionate over the last few years

are those reality shows like X Factor and the like.

The worst one, I think, is Britain's Got Talent.

Have we seen this atrocity?

CHEERING

I absolutely loathe it.

My main qualm with the programme is that Ant and Dec, right...

Lovely guys...mmm... Ant and Dec,

no matter how shit the act is,

no matter how little talent the act doesn't possess,

Ant and Dec are consistently enthusiastic.

They love everything.

I think someone should go onto the programme, Britain's Got Talent,

and do something...

so...disgusting...

..so debauched,

so utterly unforgivable...

..that even Ant and Dec can't deal with it.

I'd go onto Britain's Got Talent,

"Good evening, Britain! Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

"I will be ritually sacrificing

"this series of goats...

"..whilst singing the National Anthem.

"I hope you like it."

# God save our gracious queen! #

HE BLEATS, BANG!

# Long live our noble queen! #

HE BLEATS, IMITATES MACHINE GUN

HE BLEATS, BANG!

# God save the queen! Ba-da-da-da! Send her victorious! #

IMITATES SAWING

It's a saw! # Happy and glorious! #

At this point, I just piss on the front row!

# God save the queen! #

And now, for my grand finale, where I shit myself!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Spontaneously self combust, sparklers would fire off across the stage

and a giant Union Jack would fall from the ceiling, on fire, obviously!

As I flail about, aflame, amidst goat carcasses, blood...

I don't know...a series of melons...

and bits of burning shit!

Take that, Britain, take that!

And afterwards we can all gang-bang Jedward in the fucking car park!

Thank you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Naz Osmanoglu, you've been lovely. Good evening and good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Naz Osmanoglu!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much for watching Good News! Good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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