Browse content similar to Episode 4. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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Russell Howard's Good News contains strong language | 0:00:15 | 0:00:22 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
Thank you very much, thank you, thank you, thank you. | 0:00:24 | 0:00:28 | |
Hello and welcome to Good News. I hope you've had a good week. | 0:00:28 | 0:00:33 | |
Tell you what, Jim White was impressed when he met Jordan. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:36 | |
Wow! Seriously, they're that size. | 0:00:36 | 0:00:38 | |
Over on BBC North West, | 0:00:40 | 0:00:41 | |
Dianne Oxberry explained why she doesn't trust old people. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:44 | |
One pooed on me when I was a kid and I've never forgiven them. | 0:00:44 | 0:00:48 | |
Between you and me, I'm not sure that Bryan Appleyard | 0:00:49 | 0:00:52 | |
is as smart as Jeremy Paxman thinks he is. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:54 | |
Bryan Appleyard, you're a clever guy. Wouldn't you rather be cleverer? | 0:00:54 | 0:00:58 | |
I don't know what that means. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:00 | |
Over on ITV, they interviewed a man with a hand growing out of his back. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:06 | |
I don't know, I'm not a water specialist | 0:01:06 | 0:01:08 | |
but I wouldn't go in myself. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:09 | |
And finally, if you're interviewing the Dalai Lama, | 0:01:09 | 0:01:13 | |
don't try to tell him a joke. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:15 | |
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:18 | |
HE SPEAKS IN HIS OWN LANGUAGE | 0:01:18 | 0:01:20 | |
-Pizza? -Pizza shop, yes. -Yeah, pizza shop. | 0:01:20 | 0:01:22 | |
And says, "Can you make me one with everything?" | 0:01:22 | 0:01:28 | |
OK. | 0:01:29 | 0:01:30 | |
HE SPEAKS IN HIS OWN LANGUAGE | 0:01:30 | 0:01:33 | |
Oh, yes. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:34 | |
Do you know what I mean? | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
"Can you make me one... with everything?" | 0:01:38 | 0:01:41 | |
Oh. Theoretically possible. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:48 | |
Oh, I knew that wouldn't work. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
In political news, Silvio Berlusconi has resigned. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:58 | |
After nearly a decade in power, served over three separate terms, | 0:01:58 | 0:02:02 | |
time has finally run out for Silvio Berlusconi. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:05 | |
That's right, Silvio Berlusconi has resigned to spend more time with his loved ones. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:10 | |
By which he means his cock and balls. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:12 | |
He's most famous for his bunga bunga parties. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:15 | |
In case you don't know what they mean, according to Silvio... | 0:02:15 | 0:02:18 | |
That's not what I heard. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:23 | |
If that's how he dances, I'd hate to see him on Strictly. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:33 | |
"Nice to see you, to... Argh!" | 0:02:33 | 0:02:35 | |
"Somebody get him some armbands!" | 0:02:37 | 0:02:40 | |
It's amazing it took this long for him to go. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:43 | |
He said some outrageous things down the years. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:45 | |
TRANSLATION: If I occasionally happen to look a beautiful girl in the face, | 0:02:45 | 0:02:49 | |
it's better to like beautiful girls than to be gay. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:52 | |
"I mean, yeah, I've had parties with prostitutes | 0:02:53 | 0:02:56 | |
"but at least I'm not a bumlord." | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
Towards the end of his reign, his attempts to stay in power just got crazy. | 0:03:00 | 0:03:03 | |
Did you see what he tried to rename his party? | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
It's like the Lib Dems turning round and going, | 0:03:13 | 0:03:16 | |
"We are the Minge Hunters." | 0:03:16 | 0:03:17 | |
On top of that, look who he compared himself to. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:23 | |
In 2006, he was quoted as calling himself "the Jesus of politics". | 0:03:23 | 0:03:28 | |
What, cos he hung out with prostitutes? | 0:03:30 | 0:03:32 | |
That would've changed the Bible. "What are you doing? | 0:03:32 | 0:03:35 | |
"You're meant to feed the 5,000, not shag them." | 0:03:35 | 0:03:38 | |
I'll tell you who isn't going to miss Berlusconi. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
German Chancellor, Angela Merkel. They didn't exactly get on. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:46 | |
Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi failed to greet his post | 0:03:46 | 0:03:49 | |
because he was on the phone. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:51 | |
Berlusconi was still on his call | 0:03:51 | 0:03:53 | |
with leaders across the Passerelle Bridge. | 0:03:53 | 0:03:56 | |
But if you think ignoring her was bad, | 0:03:56 | 0:03:58 | |
look what the silver-tongued charmer called her later. | 0:03:58 | 0:04:01 | |
It's pretty rich considering he looks like Mr Toad. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:10 | |
This was the big showbiz news of the week. | 0:04:12 | 0:04:15 | |
After weeks of bad performances, bad feedback | 0:04:15 | 0:04:18 | |
and, let's be honest, bad hair, | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
Frankie Cocozza's run on The X Factor has finally come to an end. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
Did you see the moment the news broke? | 0:04:23 | 0:04:26 | |
The X Factor contestant Frankie Cocozza has left the ITV show. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:29 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
So why has he been booted off? | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
The only white powder he needs is delouser. | 0:04:37 | 0:04:40 | |
It wasn't just drugs. Did you hear his other boast? | 0:04:40 | 0:04:43 | |
How? He looks like an alcoholic weasel. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:50 | |
His jeans are so tight, | 0:04:50 | 0:04:52 | |
when he gets his cock out, it must be like roadkill. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:55 | |
To be honest, I don't care if he took drugs. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:01 | |
If I was in charge of The X Factor, I'd have them all on drugs. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:05 | |
At least it'd make the show interesting. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:07 | |
Imagine Louis Walsh watching this on acid. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:10 | |
# You fall in love, zing boom | 0:05:10 | 0:05:13 | |
# The sky up above, zing boom. # | 0:05:13 | 0:05:17 | |
"I don't like the rabbit, Gary!" "Don't worry, Louis." | 0:05:17 | 0:05:23 | |
"Now the whole world has slowed down." | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
"No, Louis, this is just how I talk. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:32 | |
The most frightening development of this story, | 0:05:32 | 0:05:35 | |
Frankie is planning to bring out an album. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:38 | |
Yeah! This guy has already seen a copy of the video. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:41 | |
SCREAMING | 0:05:41 | 0:05:45 | |
In sport, it's sad news for Geordies. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:51 | |
Now, what's in a name? | 0:05:51 | 0:05:52 | |
Well, if you're a Newcastle United fan, quite a lot. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:55 | |
After almost 120 years, | 0:05:55 | 0:05:58 | |
St James' Park will now be called the Sports Direct Arena. | 0:05:58 | 0:06:02 | |
The fans were livid. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:03 | |
Who's going to refer to it as anything other than St James' Park? | 0:06:03 | 0:06:07 | |
What passion. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:08 | 0:06:10 | |
The ground is called St James' | 0:06:10 | 0:06:12 | |
and nothing will make him change his mind. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:15 | |
What if it brings in some money for new players? | 0:06:15 | 0:06:18 | |
Aye, that'll be alreet, like, aye. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:19 | |
"Fuck it, man. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:22 | |
"If we buy Wayne Rooney, you can have a jump on my mum." | 0:06:22 | 0:06:26 | |
Most of the supporters were furious but here's a tip. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:29 | |
If you want to get to point across, don't dress as a barcode. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:32 | |
We're filling his pockets to come to the matches | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
and he's doing this though. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
"No-one's taking us seriously." | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
Yeah, cos you look like a badger's nutsack. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:42 | |
From football to the Olympics and bad news for flashers. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
If you streak at the 2012 Olympics, there could be costly repercussions. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:49 | |
Damn right, did you see this? | 0:06:49 | 0:06:51 | |
Don't stop streaking. Streaking's wonderful. | 0:06:56 | 0:07:00 | |
Whose life isn't brightened up by seeing this? | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
Some brilliant crime stories this week. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:16 | |
First up, a story from Huddersfield about an idiot. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:18 | |
How thick can you get? "Mum, look, I've got an iPad." | 0:07:28 | 0:07:31 | |
"Dave, that's a potato." "Right, I'm phoning the police." | 0:07:33 | 0:07:37 | |
"They're not answering, Mum." "Dave, you're holding a carrot." | 0:07:39 | 0:07:45 | |
Unbelievably, in case anyone else was fooled, | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
look at the handy diagram The Yorkshire Post printed. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:51 | |
I bet there's going to be people, "Oh, right! | 0:07:55 | 0:07:58 | |
"I thought this shepherd's pie tasted a bit iPad-y." | 0:07:58 | 0:08:03 | |
So who was selling these i-Potatoes? | 0:08:03 | 0:08:05 | |
I think we all know who that was. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:13 | |
Mind you, if you think mistaking an iPad for a potato is thick, | 0:08:16 | 0:08:19 | |
check out this criminal trying to evade the police. | 0:08:19 | 0:08:22 | |
When he ran from police, the suspect climbed onto a roof. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
Instead of giving up, he started jumping from roof to roof, trying to get away from police. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:30 | |
Surely they'll never catch that unstoppable ninja? | 0:08:30 | 0:08:33 | |
-Seconds later... CRASH -There he goes. -..He came down. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:36 | |
"Tripped over a car." | 0:08:43 | 0:08:48 | |
My favourite crime story of the week | 0:08:48 | 0:08:50 | |
has to be this belter from Rotherham. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
An old lady has been the victim of a strange burglary. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
The moral of this story is do not mess with 79-year-old Barbara Gamston | 0:08:55 | 0:08:59 | |
and keep your hands off her meerkats. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
Back where they belong in the arms of Barbara. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:03 | |
This trio of meerkats mean a lot to her. | 0:09:03 | 0:09:07 | |
Someone has stolen an old lady's plastic meerkats. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:10 | |
Look at the blow-the-budget Hollywood-style way | 0:09:11 | 0:09:15 | |
they showed this terrible crime. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
And unbeknownst to Barbara, | 0:09:17 | 0:09:18 | |
spirited away to a house a couple of miles away. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:21 | |
But a tip off from a friend led her to them. | 0:09:21 | 0:09:24 | |
They Sellotaped it to a camera. | 0:09:24 | 0:09:27 | |
If you think the way they showed it was good, | 0:09:27 | 0:09:29 | |
check out what Barbara said | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
when she found out someone had nicked her beloved meerkats. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:35 | |
When my daughter Samantha came, she said, | 0:09:35 | 0:09:37 | |
"Mother, the meerkats have gone." | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
So I politely said, "Blow me." | 0:09:39 | 0:09:43 | |
"Well, we can do that, Mum | 0:09:52 | 0:09:54 | |
"but we should probably just get the meerkats back." | 0:09:54 | 0:09:57 | |
It's such an amazing reaction to a crisis. "The meerkats have gone." "Blow me." | 0:09:57 | 0:10:02 | |
So, where were the meerkats? | 0:10:02 | 0:10:04 | |
It turns out they were spotted in a garden three miles away. | 0:10:04 | 0:10:08 | |
Check out what this wonderful woman did to get them back. | 0:10:08 | 0:10:11 | |
An SAS raid?! "Margaret, cover me. Linda, fetch the zip wire! | 0:10:16 | 0:10:22 | |
"If I die, tell Titchmarsh I loved him." | 0:10:22 | 0:10:26 | |
Despite her plan, there was a tragic incident. | 0:10:27 | 0:10:30 | |
Sadly, not all of them made it. The trio was once a quartet. | 0:10:30 | 0:10:33 | |
One meerkat was chewed to pieces by an unfriendly dog during the escapade. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:38 | |
"Nooooo! | 0:10:38 | 0:10:42 | |
"They've got Roger! I loved you so much, Roger." | 0:10:42 | 0:10:48 | |
"I loved you too, but I fear death has come for me." | 0:10:48 | 0:10:53 | |
"You can't die, Roger, you can't die! | 0:10:53 | 0:10:57 | |
"Don't tell the others, but I think you were my favourite." | 0:10:57 | 0:11:03 | |
"Barbara, have you learned nothing? | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
"You must never compare the meerkats." | 0:11:07 | 0:11:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:09 | 0:11:12 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:11:12 | 0:11:15 | |
"Have we taught you nothing, Barbara?" | 0:11:23 | 0:11:27 | |
"Is there anything I can do for you, Roger, before you die? | 0:11:27 | 0:11:32 | |
"Blow me." | 0:11:32 | 0:11:35 | |
To be honest, we shouldn't feel sorry for Roger. | 0:11:35 | 0:11:38 | |
I found some extra footage from the news | 0:11:38 | 0:11:41 | |
and before the dog got him, he had quite the adventure. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
Not tonight, pal. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:50 | |
Argh! | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
MUSIC POUNDS | 0:11:54 | 0:11:57 | |
# Ass, titties, ass and titties | 0:12:12 | 0:12:15 | |
# Ass, ass, titties, titties | 0:12:15 | 0:12:18 | |
# Ass and titties. # | 0:12:18 | 0:12:19 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
Over in Canada, love is in the air. | 0:12:24 | 0:12:27 | |
The relationship that's formed between a pair of penguins | 0:12:27 | 0:12:30 | |
at a zoo in Canada is drawing attention from around the world. | 0:12:30 | 0:12:33 | |
Buddy and Pedro make mating calls to each other, groom each other and hang out together. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:38 | |
Some are referring to the two male penguins as a gay couple. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:41 | |
Toronto Zoo has a couple of gay penguins. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:44 | |
Look at the way it was covered by Taiwanese news. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:47 | |
Like many animals, Buddy and Pedro are gay. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
# Hello | 0:12:50 | 0:12:51 | |
# Is it me you're looking for? | 0:12:53 | 0:12:57 | |
# I can see it in your eyes | 0:12:57 | 0:13:00 | |
# I can see it in your smile. # | 0:13:00 | 0:13:05 | |
That... That was on the news! | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
They're really going for it aren't they? | 0:13:07 | 0:13:11 | |
-Maybe that explains the way penguins walk. -LAUGHTER | 0:13:12 | 0:13:16 | |
Ohhhhh! | 0:13:16 | 0:13:19 | |
Ohhhh. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:22 | |
Luckily they're surrounded by ice. Tssss! | 0:13:22 | 0:13:26 | |
Unfortunately, there's been some heartbreaking news for Buddy and Pedro. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:30 | |
It's so sad, innit? | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
Apparently, a Hollywood film is already planned. | 0:13:36 | 0:13:40 | |
GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC | 0:13:40 | 0:13:42 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:13:46 | 0:13:49 | |
Finally in this section, let's pop over to Russia. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
It's hard to believe this road in Moscow, Russia, | 0:13:55 | 0:13:58 | |
was the scene of complete chaos on Sunday. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:01 | |
Chaos? Bloody roadworks, I suppose. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:03 | |
A drunken, naked motorist sped through the city, | 0:14:03 | 0:14:06 | |
crashing into 17 cars. | 0:14:06 | 0:14:09 | |
That is how you lose your licence! | 0:14:09 | 0:14:12 | |
"I was doing 34 in a 30." | 0:14:12 | 0:14:13 | |
-"I drive car with dick!" -LAUGHTER | 0:14:13 | 0:14:18 | |
"I make new game, Grand Theft Sex Pest." | 0:14:19 | 0:14:23 | |
"Hurgh!" | 0:14:23 | 0:14:24 | |
-Luckily... -LAUGHTER | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
I don't know what that was, right? | 0:14:30 | 0:14:32 | |
Luckily, nobody was hurt. So, what happened to this bloke when the police caught him? | 0:14:32 | 0:14:37 | |
Did they put him in jail? | 0:14:37 | 0:14:39 | |
No, they laid him on the floor like a shaved bear. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:42 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:42 | 0:14:45 | |
Look at him! He's like Mr Blobby's pissed brother. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:51 | |
In fairness, you do get a little crazy after an accident. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:55 | |
Check out this bloke from Arizona. | 0:14:55 | 0:14:57 | |
This has to be the most animated description of a prang ever. | 0:14:57 | 0:15:01 | |
All of a sudden, I was just minding my own business. Bam! | 0:15:01 | 0:15:04 | |
Hit me hard, right in the back. I was glued in my seat. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:07 | |
I could see the car in front of me and I was about to hit him, | 0:15:07 | 0:15:11 | |
so I veered off this way. | 0:15:11 | 0:15:12 | |
Boom, boom, fire, smoke, everything. It made a big, loud noise like boom! | 0:15:12 | 0:15:16 | |
The wires came down, boom! Then arc, fire was coming out. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:20 | |
Sparking, blowing up. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:22 | |
It was like a big rainbow, boom, it was like boom, boom! | 0:15:22 | 0:15:26 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:15:26 | 0:15:30 | |
This has to be the strangest fight ever. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
Brandon Parham is the manager of The Wireless Center on Pearl Road. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:40 | |
Last week, he witnessed their mascot, a gorilla, getting jumped. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:44 | |
A mobile phone company gorilla mascot was attacked. Pretty funny. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:48 | |
Funnier when you find out who jumped him. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:50 | |
A man dressed as a gorilla was attacked | 0:15:53 | 0:15:56 | |
by a man dressed as a banana. | 0:15:56 | 0:15:58 | |
Listen to how the shop manager describes the tussle. | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
The kid in mid-air, flying like a Spartan from 300, kind of. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:06 | |
Except he was a banana. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:08 | 0:16:10 | |
Brilliant. This poor bloke just can't get his head around it. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:13 | |
The gorilla will recover. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:15 | |
As for The Wireless Center, they think the whole situation is... | 0:16:15 | 0:16:20 | |
Bizarre. I guess. | 0:16:20 | 0:16:22 | |
Not...normal of the food chain. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:26 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:26 | 0:16:28 | |
Tell me about it, mate. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:31 | |
It's a nightmare when your food fights back. | 0:16:31 | 0:16:34 | |
Next up, I challenge you to find a weirder relationship story than this. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:44 | |
A bloke in Zimbabwe slept with a prostitute | 0:16:48 | 0:16:51 | |
and she turned out to be a donkey. | 0:16:51 | 0:16:53 | |
Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking? | 0:16:53 | 0:16:56 | |
Should've gone to Specsavers! | 0:16:56 | 0:16:58 | |
Imagine the police reporting the crime! | 0:16:58 | 0:17:02 | |
"Sarge, we've got a criminal here. What's he doing? | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
"Have you ever played Buckaroo?" | 0:17:08 | 0:17:10 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
"Yeah, well, he's not doing that, he's fucking it." | 0:17:12 | 0:17:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
"No, you hang up." | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
The best bit about this story. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:21 | |
Look at the excuse the bloke gave when he was caught. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:24 | |
I think you're also a bullshitter! | 0:17:28 | 0:17:30 | |
That's the worst excuse ever. Somebody caught stealing biscuits... | 0:17:30 | 0:17:34 | |
"Why are you stealing the biscuits?" | 0:17:34 | 0:17:36 | |
-"Cos I'm a biscuit?" -LAUGHTER | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
It's shocking, innit? You should never play with an animal for pleasure. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:43 | |
Well, unless it's this... | 0:17:43 | 0:17:45 | |
This is the part of the show I don't know anything about - | 0:17:53 | 0:17:56 | |
a mystery guest who's been in the news. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:58 | |
I have to figure out who that person is. | 0:17:58 | 0:18:00 | |
Please welcome my mystery guest. | 0:18:00 | 0:18:01 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:18:01 | 0:18:05 | |
-Hello. -Hello, Russell. -Nice to meet you. -And you, sir. | 0:18:11 | 0:18:13 | |
-What's your name? -My name's Rocky Taylor. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:16 | |
-Rocky Taylor! -Yeah. -Does Rocky have anything to do with why you're here? | 0:18:16 | 0:18:20 | |
Looks like it's got something to do with memorabilia. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:23 | |
-Yes, sir. -Do you have the world record | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
for the most film memorabilia in the world? | 0:18:25 | 0:18:29 | |
I have just won the Guinness Book Of Records, but not for this. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:33 | |
-Are those Sugar Puffs? -Yeah. Oh, that's a little clue for you. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
-I was the original Honey Monster. -You were the original Honey Monster?! | 0:18:36 | 0:18:39 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:18:39 | 0:18:42 | |
Tell them about the honey, Mummy! | 0:18:43 | 0:18:46 | |
I thought that was Pat Butcher(!) | 0:18:46 | 0:18:48 | |
-LAUGHTER There's been a lot more since, but I was the original. -What was the line? | 0:18:48 | 0:18:53 | |
-People probably didn't hear that. -Tell them about the honey, Mummy. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:57 | |
-Have you ever used that line in your personal life? -No, sir! | 0:18:57 | 0:19:01 | |
-Is that why you've been in the news? -Sort of why, | 0:19:04 | 0:19:07 | |
but that's not the reason for being in the news. | 0:19:07 | 0:19:11 | |
-You've been an extra? -Not an extra. -Have you been in all these films? -I have been in all these films. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:17 | |
-You're going to have to give me a clue. -I'm going to show you something later, a fight scene. | 0:19:17 | 0:19:22 | |
-You're going to be involved with me in a fight scene. -You're a stuntman? -Yes. -You've been... | 0:19:22 | 0:19:27 | |
Are you the world's... You're the most stunts ever. | 0:19:27 | 0:19:31 | |
LAUGHTER No. | 0:19:31 | 0:19:33 | |
You've not... Just fucking tell me, man! | 0:19:33 | 0:19:36 | |
I'm the most experienced stuntman around at the moment. | 0:19:36 | 0:19:40 | |
This is my 50th year as a stunt performer and stunt coordinator. | 0:19:40 | 0:19:43 | |
-That's worth a round of applause. -APPLAUSE | 0:19:43 | 0:19:47 | |
Can I have a look at you in action? | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
What we're going to do, if you don't mind, | 0:19:53 | 0:19:55 | |
is we're going to make you have a little fight scene with me. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:58 | |
A fight scene? Well, it's about time we did that(!) | 0:19:58 | 0:20:02 | |
-There's a clip we'll show you. -Sweet, let's have a look. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:05 | |
THEME MUSIC FROM JAMES BOND | 0:20:05 | 0:20:08 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:20:27 | 0:20:30 | |
We're going to show you a bit of fighting that goes on in the film business. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:34 | |
They call it our bread and butter money. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:36 | |
-That sounds fun. Where shall we start? -Start here. I'll throw a punch to you | 0:20:36 | 0:20:41 | |
and your head has to go that way as the fist comes by. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:45 | |
-OK. -Bang. Now, you watch this, ladies and gentlemen. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:48 | |
Now, watch that quick. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:50 | |
-That looks like I've hit you, right? -Yeah. | 0:20:50 | 0:20:53 | |
So, the first one is that. You're going to do that to me as well. | 0:20:53 | 0:20:56 | |
That one, then we're going to come into there, that one. | 0:20:56 | 0:21:00 | |
-You have to then fold up. -I have to go ohhh! | 0:21:00 | 0:21:02 | |
And your feet come off the ground. | 0:21:02 | 0:21:04 | |
-That's it, as if you've been hurt. -OK. | 0:21:04 | 0:21:07 | |
-So, we'll do that in two? -Yes. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:10 | |
One, slowly, bang. And then bang. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:12 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:12 | 0:21:13 | |
You do it to me. Just come into here. | 0:21:13 | 0:21:16 | |
Ooof! | 0:21:16 | 0:21:18 | |
Right? Do it again. Put it in, but just pull it when you hit me. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:23 | |
That's it, that's good. Argh! | 0:21:24 | 0:21:27 | |
That's good. Do it again. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:28 | |
Argh, yes! Good. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:32 | |
This one, you're going to go bang into there. No, this one first. | 0:21:32 | 0:21:36 | |
-Like that. -And then across. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:38 | |
-All right. -Right, do that. Oof, ooh, that's good! | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
-There you go. -Right, good? | 0:21:41 | 0:21:43 | |
I enjoyed that, yeah. | 0:21:43 | 0:21:44 | |
-Grab that bottle. See that bottle? -Yeah! | 0:21:44 | 0:21:47 | |
Grab that, not too tight, else it'll break. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:50 | |
-Then you hit me here... -Oh, right, so I start it? -..with that part of the bottle. | 0:21:50 | 0:21:55 | |
-Yeah. -All right? So, put that back. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:57 | |
-Fine. -So, this is how we're going to start. | 0:21:57 | 0:21:59 | |
-I'm going to come into you. -Yeah. | 0:21:59 | 0:22:01 | |
Bang. Then I pick up the bottle, | 0:22:01 | 0:22:03 | |
-you turn away as if you're going to walk out the door. -Swagger. -And I crash you. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:09 | |
-Yeah, fine. -Then, after you've had that, you run and pick that up. -Yeah. -See? | 0:22:09 | 0:22:15 | |
You hit me, on the back, with that. | 0:22:15 | 0:22:17 | |
So, it's like there... | 0:22:17 | 0:22:19 | |
-Like that, crack. -Yeah, yeah. -All right? -Yeah, great. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:23 | |
I go down to here. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:26 | |
It's like the biggest fight ever! | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
I'm going to come up, grab you, and I go, "Yes!" | 0:22:29 | 0:22:31 | |
And you're going to go backwards, like that, crash. | 0:22:31 | 0:22:35 | |
-OK. -And land on your bum. -Right. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
-LAUGHTER -Let's do it, sod it. -Sure? -Yeah. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:42 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:22:42 | 0:22:45 | |
Get warmed up... Oh! | 0:22:48 | 0:22:49 | |
THUD! | 0:22:49 | 0:22:51 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:51 | 0:22:53 | |
-Have you hurt yourself? -Yeah. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:01 | |
Ah, man! Argh! | 0:23:04 | 0:23:08 | |
I think I've broken my finger, man, that really hurt! | 0:23:08 | 0:23:12 | |
I was going to try and do a press-up on it. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:15 | |
-Fucking hell, that really hurts! -You want to go and see the medic? -I'll be all right, fine. | 0:23:15 | 0:23:20 | |
It's going to have to be right-handed. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:22 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:22 | 0:23:24 | |
Ai-ai-ai, I think I've broken my finger. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
-Yeah. Sorry. -Sorry about that! | 0:23:27 | 0:23:30 | |
I'll be back in a minute, I've just fucked myself up. | 0:23:30 | 0:23:33 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:23:33 | 0:23:36 | |
So... Hey, you, I've told you, stop looking at my old woman. I mean it. | 0:23:46 | 0:23:50 | |
-I'm going to throw you through that window. -She's looking at me, though. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:54 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:54 | 0:23:56 | |
-I'm telling you, don't do it! -Tell her, tell her! | 0:23:56 | 0:24:00 | |
-Don't tell me, you son of a bitch! -Argh! | 0:24:01 | 0:24:05 | |
Oof! | 0:24:05 | 0:24:06 | |
Ooh! | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
Crazy son of a bitch! | 0:24:14 | 0:24:16 | |
Ow! | 0:24:19 | 0:24:21 | |
Argh! | 0:24:27 | 0:24:28 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:24:30 | 0:24:32 | |
Victory! | 0:24:37 | 0:24:39 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, my mystery guest, the wonderful Rocky! | 0:24:42 | 0:24:46 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:24:46 | 0:24:48 | |
Have a look at this story about a group of eco warriors | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
who make you proud to be British. | 0:24:55 | 0:24:57 | |
The spotlight is still on the small village | 0:24:57 | 0:25:00 | |
near Scarborough where the costly battle for one tree goes on. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:04 | |
There's a group of protesters who are tying to save a tree. | 0:25:04 | 0:25:07 | |
I think the tree's going to survive, | 0:25:07 | 0:25:09 | |
because you rarely see commitment this inspiring. | 0:25:09 | 0:25:12 | |
Are you prepared to break the law? | 0:25:12 | 0:25:15 | |
Well, we'll see, we'll see. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:18 | |
So you're not saying no? | 0:25:18 | 0:25:20 | |
And I'm not saying yes. | 0:25:21 | 0:25:22 | |
Defiance! | 0:25:22 | 0:25:26 | |
He's not the only brave soldier willing to risk his life. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:29 | |
What are you going to do if someone says, | 0:25:29 | 0:25:32 | |
"You've got to get out, we're here with the chainsaw."? | 0:25:32 | 0:25:35 | |
Well, I'll obviously get out. I'm not going to get squashed or flattened. | 0:25:35 | 0:25:40 | |
I'm not stupid. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:42 | |
He's such a hero! | 0:25:42 | 0:25:44 | |
With passionate warriors like him, | 0:25:44 | 0:25:46 | |
there's no way that tree is going to be chopped down! | 0:25:46 | 0:25:49 | |
In fact, one day, | 0:25:49 | 0:25:50 | |
I'm going to take my grandchildren to see that very tree. | 0:25:50 | 0:25:54 | |
And, just over an hour ago, | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
the beech tree hit the ground with an almighty thud. | 0:25:56 | 0:26:00 | |
Fuck it, Disneyland it is. | 0:26:01 | 0:26:03 | |
So, what's going to happen to this fallen tree? | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
Some of the protesters here today have asked for part of the trunk to be saved for them. | 0:26:06 | 0:26:10 | |
They want to turn it into a sculpture or perhaps a memorial plaque. | 0:26:10 | 0:26:14 | |
I've seen the sculpture. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:15 | 0:26:18 | |
This is the most surprising statistic I've learnt this week. | 0:26:18 | 0:26:21 | |
Who took the cheese? | 0:26:21 | 0:26:23 | |
That's the question a lot of retail stores are asking. | 0:26:23 | 0:26:27 | |
A new study found that cheese is the most stolen food in the world. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:32 | |
Police are looking for suspects. | 0:26:32 | 0:26:34 | |
I bet these two are shitting themselves. | 0:26:34 | 0:26:36 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:36 | 0:26:39 | |
Do you reckon there's criminal gangs? "Did you get the diamonds?" | 0:26:39 | 0:26:43 | |
"No, I got a Dairylea Dunker." | 0:26:43 | 0:26:45 | |
I'll tell you what, if gangs are stealing cheese, | 0:26:45 | 0:26:48 | |
there's going to be some confusion. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:51 | |
You idiot! I told you to get me a Mini Babybel! | 0:26:51 | 0:26:58 | |
CLANG! | 0:26:59 | 0:27:01 | |
Tonight's story is about a project called Playing For Change | 0:27:06 | 0:27:09 | |
that uses music to connect and help people all around the world. | 0:27:09 | 0:27:13 | |
Ten years ago, Grammy-Award-winning music producer Mark Johnson | 0:27:13 | 0:27:17 | |
had an idea that began with one powerful voice. | 0:27:17 | 0:27:21 | |
# Stand by me | 0:27:21 | 0:27:23 | |
# No matter who you are. # | 0:27:23 | 0:27:26 | |
He had so much soul in his voice. | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
I said to him, "With a voice like yours, why are you singing on the street?" | 0:27:28 | 0:27:32 | |
And he said, "Cos, man, I'm in the joy business. I come out here to bring joy to the people." | 0:27:32 | 0:27:38 | |
And that was a great start for a project to try to connect the world. | 0:27:38 | 0:27:42 | |
A voice like Roger, a song like Stand By Me and a man in the joy business. | 0:27:42 | 0:27:46 | |
On a shoestring budget, Mark travelled the world, | 0:27:46 | 0:27:49 | |
recording little-known musicians. | 0:27:49 | 0:27:52 | |
Some he found in places where music was a refuge from hardship and war. | 0:27:52 | 0:27:58 | |
He called his project Playing For Change. | 0:27:58 | 0:28:02 | |
The project is also building and funding music schools in places | 0:28:02 | 0:28:08 | |
where Mark found his street musicians. | 0:28:08 | 0:28:11 | |
My theory of music is if you provide people with the opportunity | 0:28:11 | 0:28:14 | |
to listen, they can use music as a tool to make their lives better, | 0:28:14 | 0:28:18 | |
to connect to other people, and to enjoy their lives. | 0:28:18 | 0:28:21 | |
What a dude. | 0:28:21 | 0:28:23 | |
It's Saturday night, time for my stand-up guest. | 0:28:27 | 0:28:30 | |
This bloke's brilliant, one of my favourite comics, a good mate of mine. | 0:28:30 | 0:28:34 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the brilliant Mr Alun Cochrane. | 0:28:34 | 0:28:38 | |
APPLAUSE Thank you. Thank you. | 0:28:40 | 0:28:44 | |
Thank you. Thank you. | 0:28:44 | 0:28:46 | |
Hello. LAUGHTER | 0:28:46 | 0:28:49 | |
That's a good, confident hello there, isn't it? | 0:28:49 | 0:28:52 | |
I like hello better than goodbye cos it's easier to get hello right, | 0:28:52 | 0:28:56 | |
there's not that much choice, is there? It's just, "Hello!" | 0:28:56 | 0:28:59 | |
Or "Hi!" | 0:28:59 | 0:29:01 | |
Whereas goodbye is harder cos there's bye, ta-ra, see you in a bit, | 0:29:01 | 0:29:06 | |
cheerio. | 0:29:06 | 0:29:08 | |
The other day, I was trying for cheerio, | 0:29:08 | 0:29:11 | |
got confused with ta-ra, and went, "Cheeria!" | 0:29:11 | 0:29:15 | |
And more recently than that, I said to somebody, "See you soon," | 0:29:18 | 0:29:22 | |
panicked and added, "if not before it." | 0:29:22 | 0:29:25 | |
And then thought, hang on, there is no before soon. | 0:29:27 | 0:29:31 | |
Soon is the next thing. | 0:29:32 | 0:29:34 | |
Like, "I really hope they don't scrutinise what I've just said." | 0:29:34 | 0:29:38 | |
Unless I'd walked away, | 0:29:38 | 0:29:40 | |
then thought that and come back and said, | 0:29:40 | 0:29:42 | |
"Please don't scrut..." And then said, "God, this is before I expected you!" | 0:29:42 | 0:29:46 | |
This is before soon. | 0:29:46 | 0:29:49 | |
It's hard to be confident with hello and goodbye. | 0:29:49 | 0:29:52 | |
Hard to be confident in life generally, isn't it? | 0:29:52 | 0:29:55 | |
Most of the time I'm quite confident, but every now and again, | 0:29:55 | 0:29:59 | |
your confidence vanishes when you weren't expecting it. | 0:29:59 | 0:30:03 | |
See if you think this is weird. | 0:30:03 | 0:30:05 | |
Years ago, I lost my confidence in Birmingham. | 0:30:05 | 0:30:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:30:09 | 0:30:11 | |
Birmingham was not the problem. | 0:30:11 | 0:30:13 | |
It doesn't sound that bad when I just say it, | 0:30:13 | 0:30:16 | |
but genuinely, my confidence totally wobbled. | 0:30:16 | 0:30:19 | |
I checked into a hotel room and it didn't have a bed in it. | 0:30:19 | 0:30:23 | |
It doesn't sound that bad, but it was genuinely disturbing cos I remember to this day, | 0:30:24 | 0:30:28 | |
when I first opened the room door, | 0:30:28 | 0:30:31 | |
being pleasantly surprised at how roomy the room was. | 0:30:31 | 0:30:36 | |
I went to throw my bag on the bed and thought, hang on a second, | 0:30:36 | 0:30:40 | |
there's something missing here. Normally there's a big, cosy plinth | 0:30:40 | 0:30:43 | |
for me to drop this on. And I had to go downstairs to reception | 0:30:43 | 0:30:47 | |
and complain that my hotel room did not have a bed in it. | 0:30:47 | 0:30:51 | |
I was not prepared for this moment in life. | 0:30:51 | 0:30:54 | |
I got the same receptionist that checked me in and I said, | 0:30:54 | 0:30:57 | |
"My hotel room hasn't got a bed in it." | 0:30:57 | 0:31:00 | |
And she looked up and said, "Are you sure?" | 0:31:00 | 0:31:04 | |
"Are you sure?" To an adult that's just said his room hasn't got a bed in it. | 0:31:04 | 0:31:09 | |
And I said, "I think so." | 0:31:09 | 0:31:12 | |
"Maybe there was a bed I didn't see." | 0:31:14 | 0:31:16 | |
Which sounds now like I was being sarcastic, but I wasn't. | 0:31:16 | 0:31:20 | |
But when she said, "Are you sure?" | 0:31:20 | 0:31:22 | |
My confidence completely evaporated, and I thought, I'm not sure I'm sure. | 0:31:22 | 0:31:27 | |
I don't think I've checked properly. I bet I didn't check behind the door. | 0:31:27 | 0:31:31 | |
There's a king-size waterbed behind the door. This is obviously my fault. | 0:31:31 | 0:31:37 | |
All my life, I've just been lucky | 0:31:37 | 0:31:39 | |
and checked into hotels with highly visible furniture. | 0:31:39 | 0:31:44 | |
Sometimes you check in expecting one bed and you get two. | 0:31:44 | 0:31:48 | |
I was thinking maybe I'd had too many twos. | 0:31:48 | 0:31:51 | |
Perhaps it's my turn for zero beds. | 0:31:51 | 0:31:54 | |
I never realised it was a short-straw system. | 0:31:54 | 0:31:57 | |
But I can have no beds if it's my turn. | 0:31:57 | 0:32:00 | |
Some of you probably want closure on this. "Where was the bed?" | 0:32:00 | 0:32:03 | |
Don't know. | 0:32:03 | 0:32:05 | |
LAUGHTER There's loads of moments in life I'd like to be more confident in. | 0:32:05 | 0:32:09 | |
I'd love to be better at remembering people's names. | 0:32:09 | 0:32:12 | |
Wouldn't it be better if everybody in the world looked like I do now? | 0:32:12 | 0:32:17 | |
With their name written behind them. Wouldn't that be nice? | 0:32:17 | 0:32:21 | |
It'd make life a lot easier cos I'm bad at remembering names. | 0:32:21 | 0:32:24 | |
I find it hard to concentrate. That moment when somebody says, | 0:32:24 | 0:32:27 | |
"Hello, my name's Janet" is the exact moment when my mind | 0:32:27 | 0:32:31 | |
just wanders off and thinks about everything except Janet's name. | 0:32:31 | 0:32:35 | |
Sometimes I'll be thinking, "Bloody hell, you've got symmetrical ears!" | 0:32:35 | 0:32:40 | |
And sometimes it'll just be random shit. | 0:32:40 | 0:32:42 | |
I caught myself once, when someone was introducing themselves, | 0:32:42 | 0:32:46 | |
wondering what my favourite gas ring was in the kitchen. | 0:32:46 | 0:32:50 | |
Cos it used to be back left. I used to love back left. | 0:32:51 | 0:32:55 | |
But when we moved to a house with a wok burner in the middle, | 0:32:55 | 0:32:58 | |
and now we've moved to another house that's got four rings, | 0:32:58 | 0:33:02 | |
and for some reason I've gone off back left and love back right now. | 0:33:02 | 0:33:05 | |
I mean, how you're supposed to take Janet in | 0:33:06 | 0:33:09 | |
under circumstances like that, I've no idea. | 0:33:09 | 0:33:12 | |
I'm genuinely better at remembering people's faces than names, | 0:33:12 | 0:33:16 | |
but you don't get points for that, do you? | 0:33:16 | 0:33:18 | |
If you remember somebody's name and you've only met them once, you go, "Oh, Michael!" | 0:33:18 | 0:33:23 | |
Michael goes, "Oh, he remembered, I didn't expect him to!" | 0:33:23 | 0:33:26 | |
But if you walk up to someone you've met once and go, | 0:33:26 | 0:33:29 | |
"Your nose is still where it used to be. | 0:33:29 | 0:33:32 | |
"Your ears are pretty wide," that's more creepy than positive, innit? | 0:33:32 | 0:33:36 | |
But faces really stick in my mind. | 0:33:36 | 0:33:39 | |
I walked past a woman in the street in Edinburgh years ago | 0:33:39 | 0:33:42 | |
and she had what I would describe as a squishy face. | 0:33:42 | 0:33:48 | |
When I say that, I mean her facial expressions were | 0:33:48 | 0:33:51 | |
sort of squished up together, like that. | 0:33:51 | 0:33:55 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:33:55 | 0:33:57 | |
You know what I mean by a squishy face? | 0:34:00 | 0:34:02 | |
And I know that was her facial expression | 0:34:02 | 0:34:05 | |
because the moment I passed her in the street, | 0:34:05 | 0:34:08 | |
I found myself immediately attempting to recreate her facial expression. | 0:34:08 | 0:34:13 | |
Have you ever done that? | 0:34:13 | 0:34:15 | |
They've got such a vivid countenance and you think, I'm having a go at that. | 0:34:15 | 0:34:19 | |
I'm not even sure she was fully out of my eyeline. | 0:34:19 | 0:34:22 | |
I think she was still about there and I was already going, "Ughhh!" | 0:34:22 | 0:34:26 | |
I don't think I made the noise. | 0:34:26 | 0:34:28 | |
Cos that would have given the game away, wouldn't it? | 0:34:28 | 0:34:30 | |
Cos that is the noise of trying to do a squishy face, innit? "Ughhh!"" | 0:34:30 | 0:34:35 | |
She'd have heard it and been on me, "Hey, I heard that! | 0:34:35 | 0:34:38 | |
"Are you trying to do my face?" "No, I always look like this. | 0:34:38 | 0:34:41 | |
"I was just humming a tune. Ughhh! | 0:34:41 | 0:34:44 | |
"I do like my face." | 0:34:44 | 0:34:46 | |
Faces are weird. My face is fucking massive. It's a big face. | 0:34:46 | 0:34:53 | |
There's people watching this on HD on big tellies shitting themselves. | 0:34:53 | 0:34:58 | |
Big face. Big, but a weirdly small nose for the size of the head. | 0:34:58 | 0:35:04 | |
Ridiculous, innit? Look at that. | 0:35:04 | 0:35:07 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:35:07 | 0:35:09 | |
Bordering on insignificant, my nose. | 0:35:10 | 0:35:14 | |
And I know that cos people tell me. | 0:35:14 | 0:35:16 | |
People come up sometimes and say, | 0:35:16 | 0:35:18 | |
"Oh, you've got a little button nose, haven't you? | 0:35:18 | 0:35:21 | |
Which I think is a bit cheeky if you don't know me, | 0:35:21 | 0:35:23 | |
to compare my small nose to a button. | 0:35:23 | 0:35:27 | |
You wouldn't do the reverse to somebody with a big nose. | 0:35:27 | 0:35:30 | |
"Oh, that's an industrial sewing machine for a conk you've got there." | 0:35:30 | 0:35:34 | |
Interesting thing about the human nose is | 0:35:34 | 0:35:37 | |
some people do so much cocaine, they completely destroy their septum, | 0:35:37 | 0:35:42 | |
this little bar in the middle. | 0:35:42 | 0:35:44 | |
They just destroy it by doing cocaine. | 0:35:44 | 0:35:47 | |
And then they carry on living. | 0:35:47 | 0:35:49 | |
Turns out we didn't need it anyway. Why have we even got one? | 0:35:51 | 0:35:56 | |
It's the appendix of the face as far as I'm concerned. | 0:35:56 | 0:35:59 | |
I often think, if I was one of those people, I'd try | 0:35:59 | 0:36:03 | |
and make the best of the situation by using the hole to keep stuff in. | 0:36:03 | 0:36:08 | |
Just turn your face into a little handy pocket. | 0:36:09 | 0:36:12 | |
A pound coin holder for parking meters. | 0:36:12 | 0:36:15 | |
And I'm ready to park during peak hours. | 0:36:17 | 0:36:20 | |
Or some snooker chalk. | 0:36:22 | 0:36:24 | |
I don't play a lot of snooker, but I think I'd play more if I had... | 0:36:25 | 0:36:29 | |
..some chalk in my nose, | 0:36:30 | 0:36:33 | |
turned down, ready to play. | 0:36:33 | 0:36:35 | |
You know... | 0:36:35 | 0:36:36 | |
SQUEAKING | 0:36:36 | 0:36:38 | |
"Alun Cochrane, foul and a miss." | 0:36:40 | 0:36:43 | |
Yeah. I know, I'm a daydreamer. | 0:36:46 | 0:36:48 | |
That's my job in life, just to sit around thinking up stupid stuff. | 0:36:48 | 0:36:54 | |
Seriously, I love sitting around and wondering stuff. | 0:36:54 | 0:36:57 | |
Nothing useful, just stupid stuff. | 0:36:57 | 0:37:00 | |
Like, um...when is it OK to eat bread with a fork? | 0:37:00 | 0:37:05 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:37:07 | 0:37:09 | |
When IS it OK to eat bread with a fork? That's a good question. | 0:37:09 | 0:37:13 | |
The answer seems to be sometimes, | 0:37:13 | 0:37:16 | |
but it's hard to nail it down further than that. | 0:37:16 | 0:37:19 | |
You just can't say cooked versus uncooked | 0:37:19 | 0:37:21 | |
cos some people eat uncooked bread with a fork. | 0:37:21 | 0:37:24 | |
Some people in gastropubs eat big burgers with cutlery. | 0:37:24 | 0:37:29 | |
I refuse to trust people who do not trust themselves with a fucking sandwich. | 0:37:29 | 0:37:34 | |
Pick it up and eat it! | 0:37:34 | 0:37:37 | |
What do you do with soup? Get a funnel and a bib? | 0:37:37 | 0:37:39 | |
You're an adult! | 0:37:39 | 0:37:41 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:37:41 | 0:37:43 | |
But you can't say cooked versus uncooked | 0:37:43 | 0:37:46 | |
cos some bread that's cooked you do eat with a fork, | 0:37:46 | 0:37:50 | |
like beans on toast, egg on toast. | 0:37:50 | 0:37:52 | |
But not...toast. | 0:37:52 | 0:37:54 | |
You can check this theory next time a friend makes you a slice of toast. | 0:37:55 | 0:37:59 | |
"Have you got any cutlery for this, John?" | 0:37:59 | 0:38:03 | |
Or next time someone makes you beans on toast, just reject the cutlery. | 0:38:03 | 0:38:07 | |
"It's only toast, innit?" | 0:38:07 | 0:38:10 | |
I've got a friend who's a very keen environmentalist | 0:38:16 | 0:38:19 | |
and the other day, while he was twatting on about it, | 0:38:19 | 0:38:25 | |
I drifted off and caught myself for ages, just wondering | 0:38:25 | 0:38:29 | |
what's the worst thing I could possibly put into my recycling bin. | 0:38:29 | 0:38:34 | |
Coal. | 0:38:35 | 0:38:36 | |
Or a puffin. | 0:38:38 | 0:38:40 | |
I'm not a massive fan of the recycling. | 0:38:43 | 0:38:45 | |
I'm almost embarrassed to admit it in front of young people, | 0:38:45 | 0:38:49 | |
but genuinely, I think I preferred the days before recycling | 0:38:49 | 0:38:53 | |
when the amount of alcohol I consumed in my own home remained a well-kept secret. | 0:38:53 | 0:38:58 | |
Those were the days, weren't they? Not now. | 0:38:58 | 0:39:01 | |
Now, there's just a plastic box cascading with empty bottles. | 0:39:01 | 0:39:06 | |
Every neighbour walks past it. | 0:39:06 | 0:39:08 | |
My next-door neighbour Margaret's looking at me all judgy, | 0:39:08 | 0:39:11 | |
like she thinks I've got a problem. I'm like that, | 0:39:11 | 0:39:14 | |
"We've had a party, Margaret." | 0:39:14 | 0:39:17 | |
She's looking at me like, "You haven't had a party. | 0:39:17 | 0:39:21 | |
"You don't like people enough to have a party in your own home." | 0:39:21 | 0:39:25 | |
"All right, I've been cooking with wine...and Baileys. | 0:39:25 | 0:39:30 | |
And real ale that was on offer. | 0:39:32 | 0:39:34 | |
I've done a lot of coq au Speckled Hen this week. | 0:39:34 | 0:39:37 | |
And some corned beef au vin. | 0:39:38 | 0:39:42 | |
Here's a good question that I was wondering for ages the other day. | 0:39:44 | 0:39:48 | |
What took so long with the invention of suitcase wheels? | 0:39:48 | 0:39:52 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:39:52 | 0:39:55 | |
It's a genuinely good question that some of the young people | 0:39:56 | 0:39:59 | |
haven't a clue what I'm talking about. | 0:39:59 | 0:40:02 | |
You know suitcases? | 0:40:02 | 0:40:03 | |
We used to have to pick them up and fucking carry them. | 0:40:03 | 0:40:07 | |
Even when they were heavy, we'd carry them about. Not now. | 0:40:08 | 0:40:12 | |
Now, they've all got little wheels at the bottom. | 0:40:12 | 0:40:16 | |
This is mind-blowing if you think about it. | 0:40:16 | 0:40:19 | |
How long did the suitcase | 0:40:19 | 0:40:21 | |
and the wheel exist entirely separately for | 0:40:21 | 0:40:23 | |
before some genius inventor thought we could put them together | 0:40:23 | 0:40:28 | |
and save on some back break and make a few pounds in the process? | 0:40:28 | 0:40:31 | |
That is a change that occurred in my lifetime. | 0:40:31 | 0:40:35 | |
Did we really conquer space travel | 0:40:35 | 0:40:37 | |
before we put the suitcase and the wheel together? It seems an absurd | 0:40:37 | 0:40:42 | |
set of priorities for the human species. | 0:40:42 | 0:40:45 | |
Surely we should have had the wheelie suitcase before we had a fully-functioning spaceship. | 0:40:45 | 0:40:50 | |
If nothing else, it could have helped them load up. | 0:40:50 | 0:40:53 | |
Caught myself for ages the other day wondering, "Am I a mum?" | 0:40:53 | 0:40:58 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:40:58 | 0:41:00 | |
I'm not. I'm technically a dad, but here's what happened. | 0:41:00 | 0:41:03 | |
My wife went out for some drinks with some other mums | 0:41:03 | 0:41:07 | |
and I stayed in and had a really nice bath and a glass of wine. | 0:41:07 | 0:41:11 | |
Yeah, I had a mum's night in. Brilliant night in it is, as well, | 0:41:11 | 0:41:15 | |
Mums, I can see why it caught on amongst the mum community. | 0:41:15 | 0:41:18 | |
It's much better than a dad's night out, talking to dicks about nothing. | 0:41:18 | 0:41:23 | |
I really enjoyed it. Quite disconcerting as well. | 0:41:23 | 0:41:25 | |
I got out of the bath and twisted the towel on the top of my head. | 0:41:25 | 0:41:30 | |
Got up the next day and bought a Citroen Zsara Picasso, it was weird. | 0:41:30 | 0:41:34 | |
I'm not a mum. | 0:41:34 | 0:41:36 | |
A friend of mine told me she had a very modern mum's moment the other day. | 0:41:36 | 0:41:40 | |
She told me she went online | 0:41:40 | 0:41:43 | |
and bought herself a Rampant Rabbit sex toy, right? | 0:41:43 | 0:41:48 | |
I think from a brand-new shop. | 0:41:48 | 0:41:50 | |
I don't think she got it cheaper used or anything like that. | 0:41:50 | 0:41:54 | |
Just give it a rinse, it'll be fine. There's an economic downturn. | 0:41:54 | 0:41:57 | |
People are making cuts on luxury items. | 0:41:57 | 0:41:59 | |
Anyway, she told me it arrived, she took it out of the packaging, | 0:41:59 | 0:42:04 | |
lifted it up, realised immediately it needed batteries | 0:42:04 | 0:42:08 | |
and was quite alarmed that her first thought was | 0:42:08 | 0:42:11 | |
which of my children's toys...? | 0:42:11 | 0:42:15 | |
Some of you are ahead of her on this, aren't you? | 0:42:16 | 0:42:19 | |
Which of my children's toys am I going to remove | 0:42:19 | 0:42:22 | |
the batteries from in order... | 0:42:22 | 0:42:24 | |
I love this moment. I don't think it makes for a bad mum or a good mum. | 0:42:24 | 0:42:29 | |
I just love the potential moment. | 0:42:29 | 0:42:31 | |
"Mummy, why's the elephant not working?" "Cos the rabbit is." | 0:42:31 | 0:42:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:42:35 | 0:42:36 | |
It's been a pleasure talking to you. | 0:42:36 | 0:42:38 | |
Thanks very much. I'll see you soon, if not before it. | 0:42:38 | 0:42:42 | |
Well done, mate, that was great. | 0:42:45 | 0:42:48 | |
-Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Alun Cochrane! -CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:42:48 | 0:42:52 | |
There you go. That's it, the Good News. We've had fun. Good night. | 0:42:54 | 0:43:00 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:43:06 | 0:43:09 | |
E-mail [email protected]. | 0:43:09 | 0:43:11 |