Episode 4 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

Russell Howard's Good News contains strong language

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hello and welcome to Good News. I hope you've had a good week.

Tell you what, Jim White was impressed when he met Jordan.

Wow! Seriously, they're that size.

Over on BBC North West,

Dianne Oxberry explained why she doesn't trust old people.

One pooed on me when I was a kid and I've never forgiven them.

Between you and me, I'm not sure that Bryan Appleyard

is as smart as Jeremy Paxman thinks he is.

Bryan Appleyard, you're a clever guy. Wouldn't you rather be cleverer?

I don't know what that means.

Over on ITV, they interviewed a man with a hand growing out of his back.

I don't know, I'm not a water specialist

but I wouldn't go in myself.

And finally, if you're interviewing the Dalai Lama,

don't try to tell him a joke.

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop.

HE SPEAKS IN HIS OWN LANGUAGE

-Pizza?

-Pizza shop, yes.

-Yeah, pizza shop.

And says, "Can you make me one with everything?"

OK.

HE SPEAKS IN HIS OWN LANGUAGE

Oh, yes.

Do you know what I mean?

"Can you make me one... with everything?"

Oh. Theoretically possible.

Oh, I knew that wouldn't work.

In political news, Silvio Berlusconi has resigned.

After nearly a decade in power, served over three separate terms,

time has finally run out for Silvio Berlusconi.

That's right, Silvio Berlusconi has resigned to spend more time with his loved ones.

By which he means his cock and balls.

He's most famous for his bunga bunga parties.

In case you don't know what they mean, according to Silvio...

That's not what I heard.

If that's how he dances, I'd hate to see him on Strictly.

"Nice to see you, to... Argh!"

"Somebody get him some armbands!"

It's amazing it took this long for him to go.

He said some outrageous things down the years.

TRANSLATION: If I occasionally happen to look a beautiful girl in the face,

it's better to like beautiful girls than to be gay.

"I mean, yeah, I've had parties with prostitutes

"but at least I'm not a bumlord."

Towards the end of his reign, his attempts to stay in power just got crazy.

Did you see what he tried to rename his party?

It's like the Lib Dems turning round and going,

"We are the Minge Hunters."

On top of that, look who he compared himself to.

In 2006, he was quoted as calling himself "the Jesus of politics".

What, cos he hung out with prostitutes?

That would've changed the Bible. "What are you doing?

"You're meant to feed the 5,000, not shag them."

I'll tell you who isn't going to miss Berlusconi.

German Chancellor, Angela Merkel. They didn't exactly get on.

Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi failed to greet his post

because he was on the phone.

Berlusconi was still on his call

with leaders across the Passerelle Bridge.

But if you think ignoring her was bad,

look what the silver-tongued charmer called her later.

It's pretty rich considering he looks like Mr Toad.

This was the big showbiz news of the week.

After weeks of bad performances, bad feedback

and, let's be honest, bad hair,

Frankie Cocozza's run on The X Factor has finally come to an end.

Did you see the moment the news broke?

The X Factor contestant Frankie Cocozza has left the ITV show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So why has he been booted off?

The only white powder he needs is delouser.

It wasn't just drugs. Did you hear his other boast?

How? He looks like an alcoholic weasel.

His jeans are so tight,

when he gets his cock out, it must be like roadkill.

To be honest, I don't care if he took drugs.

If I was in charge of The X Factor, I'd have them all on drugs.

At least it'd make the show interesting.

Imagine Louis Walsh watching this on acid.

# You fall in love, zing boom

# The sky up above, zing boom. #

"I don't like the rabbit, Gary!" "Don't worry, Louis."

"Now the whole world has slowed down."

"No, Louis, this is just how I talk.

The most frightening development of this story,

Frankie is planning to bring out an album.

Yeah! This guy has already seen a copy of the video.

SCREAMING

In sport, it's sad news for Geordies.

Now, what's in a name?

Well, if you're a Newcastle United fan, quite a lot.

After almost 120 years,

St James' Park will now be called the Sports Direct Arena.

The fans were livid.

Who's going to refer to it as anything other than St James' Park?

What passion.

LAUGHTER

The ground is called St James'

and nothing will make him change his mind.

What if it brings in some money for new players?

Aye, that'll be alreet, like, aye.

"Fuck it, man.

"If we buy Wayne Rooney, you can have a jump on my mum."

Most of the supporters were furious but here's a tip.

If you want to get to point across, don't dress as a barcode.

We're filling his pockets to come to the matches

and he's doing this though.

"No-one's taking us seriously."

Yeah, cos you look like a badger's nutsack.

From football to the Olympics and bad news for flashers.

If you streak at the 2012 Olympics, there could be costly repercussions.

Damn right, did you see this?

Don't stop streaking. Streaking's wonderful.

Whose life isn't brightened up by seeing this?

Some brilliant crime stories this week.

First up, a story from Huddersfield about an idiot.

How thick can you get? "Mum, look, I've got an iPad."

"Dave, that's a potato." "Right, I'm phoning the police."

"They're not answering, Mum." "Dave, you're holding a carrot."

Unbelievably, in case anyone else was fooled,

look at the handy diagram The Yorkshire Post printed.

I bet there's going to be people, "Oh, right!

"I thought this shepherd's pie tasted a bit iPad-y."

So who was selling these i-Potatoes?

I think we all know who that was.

Mind you, if you think mistaking an iPad for a potato is thick,

check out this criminal trying to evade the police.

When he ran from police, the suspect climbed onto a roof.

Instead of giving up, he started jumping from roof to roof, trying to get away from police.

Surely they'll never catch that unstoppable ninja?

-Seconds later... CRASH

-There he goes.

-..He came down.

"Tripped over a car."

My favourite crime story of the week

has to be this belter from Rotherham.

An old lady has been the victim of a strange burglary.

The moral of this story is do not mess with 79-year-old Barbara Gamston

and keep your hands off her meerkats.

Back where they belong in the arms of Barbara.

This trio of meerkats mean a lot to her.

Someone has stolen an old lady's plastic meerkats.

Look at the blow-the-budget Hollywood-style way

they showed this terrible crime.

And unbeknownst to Barbara,

spirited away to a house a couple of miles away.

But a tip off from a friend led her to them.

They Sellotaped it to a camera.

If you think the way they showed it was good,

check out what Barbara said

when she found out someone had nicked her beloved meerkats.

When my daughter Samantha came, she said,

"Mother, the meerkats have gone."

So I politely said, "Blow me."

"Well, we can do that, Mum

"but we should probably just get the meerkats back."

It's such an amazing reaction to a crisis. "The meerkats have gone." "Blow me."

So, where were the meerkats?

It turns out they were spotted in a garden three miles away.

Check out what this wonderful woman did to get them back.

An SAS raid?! "Margaret, cover me. Linda, fetch the zip wire!

"If I die, tell Titchmarsh I loved him."

Despite her plan, there was a tragic incident.

Sadly, not all of them made it. The trio was once a quartet.

One meerkat was chewed to pieces by an unfriendly dog during the escapade.

"Nooooo!

"They've got Roger! I loved you so much, Roger."

"I loved you too, but I fear death has come for me."

"You can't die, Roger, you can't die!

"Don't tell the others, but I think you were my favourite."

"Barbara, have you learned nothing?

"You must never compare the meerkats."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"Have we taught you nothing, Barbara?"

"Is there anything I can do for you, Roger, before you die?

"Blow me."

To be honest, we shouldn't feel sorry for Roger.

I found some extra footage from the news

and before the dog got him, he had quite the adventure.

Not tonight, pal.

Argh!

MUSIC POUNDS

# Ass, titties, ass and titties

# Ass, ass, titties, titties

# Ass and titties. #

APPLAUSE

Over in Canada, love is in the air.

The relationship that's formed between a pair of penguins

at a zoo in Canada is drawing attention from around the world.

Buddy and Pedro make mating calls to each other, groom each other and hang out together.

Some are referring to the two male penguins as a gay couple.

Toronto Zoo has a couple of gay penguins.

Look at the way it was covered by Taiwanese news.

Like many animals, Buddy and Pedro are gay.

# Hello

# Is it me you're looking for?

# I can see it in your eyes

# I can see it in your smile. #

That... That was on the news!

They're really going for it aren't they?

-Maybe that explains the way penguins walk.

-LAUGHTER

Ohhhhh!

Ohhhh.

Luckily they're surrounded by ice. Tssss!

Unfortunately, there's been some heartbreaking news for Buddy and Pedro.

It's so sad, innit?

Apparently, a Hollywood film is already planned.

GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Finally in this section, let's pop over to Russia.

It's hard to believe this road in Moscow, Russia,

was the scene of complete chaos on Sunday.

Chaos? Bloody roadworks, I suppose.

A drunken, naked motorist sped through the city,

crashing into 17 cars.

That is how you lose your licence!

"I was doing 34 in a 30."

-"I drive car with dick!"

-LAUGHTER

"I make new game, Grand Theft Sex Pest."

"Hurgh!"

-Luckily...

-LAUGHTER

I don't know what that was, right?

Luckily, nobody was hurt. So, what happened to this bloke when the police caught him?

Did they put him in jail?

No, they laid him on the floor like a shaved bear.

LAUGHTER

Look at him! He's like Mr Blobby's pissed brother.

In fairness, you do get a little crazy after an accident.

Check out this bloke from Arizona.

This has to be the most animated description of a prang ever.

All of a sudden, I was just minding my own business. Bam!

Hit me hard, right in the back. I was glued in my seat.

I could see the car in front of me and I was about to hit him,

so I veered off this way.

Boom, boom, fire, smoke, everything. It made a big, loud noise like boom!

The wires came down, boom! Then arc, fire was coming out.

Sparking, blowing up.

It was like a big rainbow, boom, it was like boom, boom!

APPLAUSE

This has to be the strangest fight ever.

Brandon Parham is the manager of The Wireless Center on Pearl Road.

Last week, he witnessed their mascot, a gorilla, getting jumped.

A mobile phone company gorilla mascot was attacked. Pretty funny.

Funnier when you find out who jumped him.

A man dressed as a gorilla was attacked

by a man dressed as a banana.

Listen to how the shop manager describes the tussle.

The kid in mid-air, flying like a Spartan from 300, kind of.

Except he was a banana.

LAUGHTER

Brilliant. This poor bloke just can't get his head around it.

The gorilla will recover.

As for The Wireless Center, they think the whole situation is...

Bizarre. I guess.

Not...normal of the food chain.

LAUGHTER

Tell me about it, mate.

It's a nightmare when your food fights back.

Next up, I challenge you to find a weirder relationship story than this.

A bloke in Zimbabwe slept with a prostitute

and she turned out to be a donkey.

Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?

Should've gone to Specsavers!

Imagine the police reporting the crime!

"Sarge, we've got a criminal here. What's he doing?

"Have you ever played Buckaroo?"

LAUGHTER

"Yeah, well, he's not doing that, he's fucking it."

LAUGHTER

"No, you hang up."

The best bit about this story.

Look at the excuse the bloke gave when he was caught.

I think you're also a bullshitter!

That's the worst excuse ever. Somebody caught stealing biscuits...

"Why are you stealing the biscuits?"

-"Cos I'm a biscuit?"

-LAUGHTER

It's shocking, innit? You should never play with an animal for pleasure.

Well, unless it's this...

This is the part of the show I don't know anything about -

a mystery guest who's been in the news.

I have to figure out who that person is.

Please welcome my mystery guest.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-Hello, Russell.

-Nice to meet you.

-And you, sir.

-What's your name?

-My name's Rocky Taylor.

-Rocky Taylor!

-Yeah.

-Does Rocky have anything to do with why you're here?

Looks like it's got something to do with memorabilia.

-Yes, sir.

-Do you have the world record

for the most film memorabilia in the world?

I have just won the Guinness Book Of Records, but not for this.

-Are those Sugar Puffs?

-Yeah. Oh, that's a little clue for you.

-I was the original Honey Monster.

-You were the original Honey Monster?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tell them about the honey, Mummy!

I thought that was Pat Butcher(!)

-LAUGHTER There's been a lot more since, but I was the original.

-What was the line?

-People probably didn't hear that.

-Tell them about the honey, Mummy.

-Have you ever used that line in your personal life?

-No, sir!

-Is that why you've been in the news?

-Sort of why,

but that's not the reason for being in the news.

-You've been an extra?

-Not an extra.

-Have you been in all these films?

-I have been in all these films.

-You're going to have to give me a clue.

-I'm going to show you something later, a fight scene.

-You're going to be involved with me in a fight scene.

-You're a stuntman?

-Yes.

-You've been...

Are you the world's... You're the most stunts ever.

LAUGHTER No.

You've not... Just fucking tell me, man!

I'm the most experienced stuntman around at the moment.

This is my 50th year as a stunt performer and stunt coordinator.

-That's worth a round of applause.

-APPLAUSE

Can I have a look at you in action?

What we're going to do, if you don't mind,

is we're going to make you have a little fight scene with me.

A fight scene? Well, it's about time we did that(!)

-There's a clip we'll show you.

-Sweet, let's have a look.

THEME MUSIC FROM JAMES BOND

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We're going to show you a bit of fighting that goes on in the film business.

They call it our bread and butter money.

-That sounds fun. Where shall we start?

-Start here. I'll throw a punch to you

and your head has to go that way as the fist comes by.

-OK.

-Bang. Now, you watch this, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, watch that quick.

-That looks like I've hit you, right?

-Yeah.

So, the first one is that. You're going to do that to me as well.

That one, then we're going to come into there, that one.

-You have to then fold up.

-I have to go ohhh!

And your feet come off the ground.

-That's it, as if you've been hurt.

-OK.

-So, we'll do that in two?

-Yes.

One, slowly, bang. And then bang.

LAUGHTER

You do it to me. Just come into here.

Ooof!

Right? Do it again. Put it in, but just pull it when you hit me.

That's it, that's good. Argh!

That's good. Do it again.

Argh, yes! Good.

This one, you're going to go bang into there. No, this one first.

-Like that.

-And then across.

-All right.

-Right, do that. Oof, ooh, that's good!

-There you go.

-Right, good?

I enjoyed that, yeah.

-Grab that bottle. See that bottle?

-Yeah!

Grab that, not too tight, else it'll break.

-Then you hit me here...

-Oh, right, so I start it?

-..with that part of the bottle.

-Yeah.

-All right? So, put that back.

-Fine.

-So, this is how we're going to start.

-I'm going to come into you.

-Yeah.

Bang. Then I pick up the bottle,

-you turn away as if you're going to walk out the door.

-Swagger.

-And I crash you.

-Yeah, fine.

-Then, after you've had that, you run and pick that up.

-Yeah.

-See?

You hit me, on the back, with that.

So, it's like there...

-Like that, crack.

-Yeah, yeah.

-All right?

-Yeah, great.

I go down to here.

It's like the biggest fight ever!

I'm going to come up, grab you, and I go, "Yes!"

And you're going to go backwards, like that, crash.

-OK.

-And land on your bum.

-Right.

-LAUGHTER

-Let's do it, sod it.

-Sure?

-Yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Get warmed up... Oh!

THUD!

LAUGHTER

-Have you hurt yourself?

-Yeah.

Ah, man! Argh!

I think I've broken my finger, man, that really hurt!

I was going to try and do a press-up on it.

-Fucking hell, that really hurts!

-You want to go and see the medic?

-I'll be all right, fine.

It's going to have to be right-handed.

LAUGHTER

Ai-ai-ai, I think I've broken my finger.

-Yeah. Sorry.

-Sorry about that!

I'll be back in a minute, I've just fucked myself up.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So... Hey, you, I've told you, stop looking at my old woman. I mean it.

-I'm going to throw you through that window.

-She's looking at me, though.

LAUGHTER

-I'm telling you, don't do it!

-Tell her, tell her!

-Don't tell me, you son of a bitch!

-Argh!

Oof!

Ooh!

Crazy son of a bitch!

Ow!

Argh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Victory!

Ladies and gentlemen, my mystery guest, the wonderful Rocky!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Have a look at this story about a group of eco warriors

who make you proud to be British.

The spotlight is still on the small village

near Scarborough where the costly battle for one tree goes on.

There's a group of protesters who are tying to save a tree.

I think the tree's going to survive,

because you rarely see commitment this inspiring.

Are you prepared to break the law?

Well, we'll see, we'll see.

So you're not saying no?

And I'm not saying yes.

Defiance!

He's not the only brave soldier willing to risk his life.

What are you going to do if someone says,

"You've got to get out, we're here with the chainsaw."?

Well, I'll obviously get out. I'm not going to get squashed or flattened.

I'm not stupid.

He's such a hero!

With passionate warriors like him,

there's no way that tree is going to be chopped down!

In fact, one day,

I'm going to take my grandchildren to see that very tree.

And, just over an hour ago,

the beech tree hit the ground with an almighty thud.

Fuck it, Disneyland it is.

So, what's going to happen to this fallen tree?

Some of the protesters here today have asked for part of the trunk to be saved for them.

They want to turn it into a sculpture or perhaps a memorial plaque.

I've seen the sculpture.

LAUGHTER

This is the most surprising statistic I've learnt this week.

Who took the cheese?

That's the question a lot of retail stores are asking.

A new study found that cheese is the most stolen food in the world.

Police are looking for suspects.

I bet these two are shitting themselves.

LAUGHTER

Do you reckon there's criminal gangs? "Did you get the diamonds?"

"No, I got a Dairylea Dunker."

I'll tell you what, if gangs are stealing cheese,

there's going to be some confusion.

You idiot! I told you to get me a Mini Babybel!

CLANG!

Tonight's story is about a project called Playing For Change

that uses music to connect and help people all around the world.

Ten years ago, Grammy-Award-winning music producer Mark Johnson

had an idea that began with one powerful voice.

# Stand by me

# No matter who you are. #

He had so much soul in his voice.

I said to him, "With a voice like yours, why are you singing on the street?"

And he said, "Cos, man, I'm in the joy business. I come out here to bring joy to the people."

And that was a great start for a project to try to connect the world.

A voice like Roger, a song like Stand By Me and a man in the joy business.

On a shoestring budget, Mark travelled the world,

recording little-known musicians.

Some he found in places where music was a refuge from hardship and war.

He called his project Playing For Change.

The project is also building and funding music schools in places

where Mark found his street musicians.

My theory of music is if you provide people with the opportunity

to listen, they can use music as a tool to make their lives better,

to connect to other people, and to enjoy their lives.

What a dude.

It's Saturday night, time for my stand-up guest.

This bloke's brilliant, one of my favourite comics, a good mate of mine.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the brilliant Mr Alun Cochrane.

APPLAUSE Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello. LAUGHTER

That's a good, confident hello there, isn't it?

I like hello better than goodbye cos it's easier to get hello right,

there's not that much choice, is there? It's just, "Hello!"

Or "Hi!"

Whereas goodbye is harder cos there's bye, ta-ra, see you in a bit,

cheerio.

The other day, I was trying for cheerio,

got confused with ta-ra, and went, "Cheeria!"

And more recently than that, I said to somebody, "See you soon,"

panicked and added, "if not before it."

And then thought, hang on, there is no before soon.

Soon is the next thing.

Like, "I really hope they don't scrutinise what I've just said."

Unless I'd walked away,

then thought that and come back and said,

"Please don't scrut..." And then said, "God, this is before I expected you!"

This is before soon.

It's hard to be confident with hello and goodbye.

Hard to be confident in life generally, isn't it?

Most of the time I'm quite confident, but every now and again,

your confidence vanishes when you weren't expecting it.

See if you think this is weird.

Years ago, I lost my confidence in Birmingham.

LAUGHTER

Birmingham was not the problem.

It doesn't sound that bad when I just say it,

but genuinely, my confidence totally wobbled.

I checked into a hotel room and it didn't have a bed in it.

It doesn't sound that bad, but it was genuinely disturbing cos I remember to this day,

when I first opened the room door,

being pleasantly surprised at how roomy the room was.

I went to throw my bag on the bed and thought, hang on a second,

there's something missing here. Normally there's a big, cosy plinth

for me to drop this on. And I had to go downstairs to reception

and complain that my hotel room did not have a bed in it.

I was not prepared for this moment in life.

I got the same receptionist that checked me in and I said,

"My hotel room hasn't got a bed in it."

And she looked up and said, "Are you sure?"

"Are you sure?" To an adult that's just said his room hasn't got a bed in it.

And I said, "I think so."

"Maybe there was a bed I didn't see."

Which sounds now like I was being sarcastic, but I wasn't.

But when she said, "Are you sure?"

My confidence completely evaporated, and I thought, I'm not sure I'm sure.

I don't think I've checked properly. I bet I didn't check behind the door.

There's a king-size waterbed behind the door. This is obviously my fault.

All my life, I've just been lucky

and checked into hotels with highly visible furniture.

Sometimes you check in expecting one bed and you get two.

I was thinking maybe I'd had too many twos.

Perhaps it's my turn for zero beds.

I never realised it was a short-straw system.

But I can have no beds if it's my turn.

Some of you probably want closure on this. "Where was the bed?"

Don't know.

LAUGHTER There's loads of moments in life I'd like to be more confident in.

I'd love to be better at remembering people's names.

Wouldn't it be better if everybody in the world looked like I do now?

With their name written behind them. Wouldn't that be nice?

It'd make life a lot easier cos I'm bad at remembering names.

I find it hard to concentrate. That moment when somebody says,

"Hello, my name's Janet" is the exact moment when my mind

just wanders off and thinks about everything except Janet's name.

Sometimes I'll be thinking, "Bloody hell, you've got symmetrical ears!"

And sometimes it'll just be random shit.

I caught myself once, when someone was introducing themselves,

wondering what my favourite gas ring was in the kitchen.

Cos it used to be back left. I used to love back left.

But when we moved to a house with a wok burner in the middle,

and now we've moved to another house that's got four rings,

and for some reason I've gone off back left and love back right now.

I mean, how you're supposed to take Janet in

under circumstances like that, I've no idea.

I'm genuinely better at remembering people's faces than names,

but you don't get points for that, do you?

If you remember somebody's name and you've only met them once, you go, "Oh, Michael!"

Michael goes, "Oh, he remembered, I didn't expect him to!"

But if you walk up to someone you've met once and go,

"Your nose is still where it used to be.

"Your ears are pretty wide," that's more creepy than positive, innit?

But faces really stick in my mind.

I walked past a woman in the street in Edinburgh years ago

and she had what I would describe as a squishy face.

When I say that, I mean her facial expressions were

sort of squished up together, like that.

LAUGHTER

You know what I mean by a squishy face?

And I know that was her facial expression

because the moment I passed her in the street,

I found myself immediately attempting to recreate her facial expression.

Have you ever done that?

They've got such a vivid countenance and you think, I'm having a go at that.

I'm not even sure she was fully out of my eyeline.

I think she was still about there and I was already going, "Ughhh!"

I don't think I made the noise.

Cos that would have given the game away, wouldn't it?

Cos that is the noise of trying to do a squishy face, innit? "Ughhh!""

She'd have heard it and been on me, "Hey, I heard that!

"Are you trying to do my face?" "No, I always look like this.

"I was just humming a tune. Ughhh!

"I do like my face."

Faces are weird. My face is fucking massive. It's a big face.

There's people watching this on HD on big tellies shitting themselves.

Big face. Big, but a weirdly small nose for the size of the head.

Ridiculous, innit? Look at that.

LAUGHTER

Bordering on insignificant, my nose.

And I know that cos people tell me.

People come up sometimes and say,

"Oh, you've got a little button nose, haven't you?

Which I think is a bit cheeky if you don't know me,

to compare my small nose to a button.

You wouldn't do the reverse to somebody with a big nose.

"Oh, that's an industrial sewing machine for a conk you've got there."

Interesting thing about the human nose is

some people do so much cocaine, they completely destroy their septum,

this little bar in the middle.

They just destroy it by doing cocaine.

And then they carry on living.

Turns out we didn't need it anyway. Why have we even got one?

It's the appendix of the face as far as I'm concerned.

I often think, if I was one of those people, I'd try

and make the best of the situation by using the hole to keep stuff in.

Just turn your face into a little handy pocket.

A pound coin holder for parking meters.

And I'm ready to park during peak hours.

Or some snooker chalk.

I don't play a lot of snooker, but I think I'd play more if I had...

..some chalk in my nose,

turned down, ready to play.

You know...

SQUEAKING

"Alun Cochrane, foul and a miss."

Yeah. I know, I'm a daydreamer.

That's my job in life, just to sit around thinking up stupid stuff.

Seriously, I love sitting around and wondering stuff.

Nothing useful, just stupid stuff.

Like, um...when is it OK to eat bread with a fork?

LAUGHTER

When IS it OK to eat bread with a fork? That's a good question.

The answer seems to be sometimes,

but it's hard to nail it down further than that.

You just can't say cooked versus uncooked

cos some people eat uncooked bread with a fork.

Some people in gastropubs eat big burgers with cutlery.

I refuse to trust people who do not trust themselves with a fucking sandwich.

Pick it up and eat it!

What do you do with soup? Get a funnel and a bib?

You're an adult!

LAUGHTER

But you can't say cooked versus uncooked

cos some bread that's cooked you do eat with a fork,

like beans on toast, egg on toast.

But not...toast.

You can check this theory next time a friend makes you a slice of toast.

"Have you got any cutlery for this, John?"

Or next time someone makes you beans on toast, just reject the cutlery.

"It's only toast, innit?"

I've got a friend who's a very keen environmentalist

and the other day, while he was twatting on about it,

I drifted off and caught myself for ages, just wondering

what's the worst thing I could possibly put into my recycling bin.

Coal.

Or a puffin.

I'm not a massive fan of the recycling.

I'm almost embarrassed to admit it in front of young people,

but genuinely, I think I preferred the days before recycling

when the amount of alcohol I consumed in my own home remained a well-kept secret.

Those were the days, weren't they? Not now.

Now, there's just a plastic box cascading with empty bottles.

Every neighbour walks past it.

My next-door neighbour Margaret's looking at me all judgy,

like she thinks I've got a problem. I'm like that,

"We've had a party, Margaret."

She's looking at me like, "You haven't had a party.

"You don't like people enough to have a party in your own home."

"All right, I've been cooking with wine...and Baileys.

And real ale that was on offer.

I've done a lot of coq au Speckled Hen this week.

And some corned beef au vin.

Here's a good question that I was wondering for ages the other day.

What took so long with the invention of suitcase wheels?

LAUGHTER

It's a genuinely good question that some of the young people

haven't a clue what I'm talking about.

You know suitcases?

We used to have to pick them up and fucking carry them.

Even when they were heavy, we'd carry them about. Not now.

Now, they've all got little wheels at the bottom.

This is mind-blowing if you think about it.

How long did the suitcase

and the wheel exist entirely separately for

before some genius inventor thought we could put them together

and save on some back break and make a few pounds in the process?

That is a change that occurred in my lifetime.

Did we really conquer space travel

before we put the suitcase and the wheel together? It seems an absurd

set of priorities for the human species.

Surely we should have had the wheelie suitcase before we had a fully-functioning spaceship.

If nothing else, it could have helped them load up.

Caught myself for ages the other day wondering, "Am I a mum?"

LAUGHTER

I'm not. I'm technically a dad, but here's what happened.

My wife went out for some drinks with some other mums

and I stayed in and had a really nice bath and a glass of wine.

Yeah, I had a mum's night in. Brilliant night in it is, as well,

Mums, I can see why it caught on amongst the mum community.

It's much better than a dad's night out, talking to dicks about nothing.

I really enjoyed it. Quite disconcerting as well.

I got out of the bath and twisted the towel on the top of my head.

Got up the next day and bought a Citroen Zsara Picasso, it was weird.

I'm not a mum.

A friend of mine told me she had a very modern mum's moment the other day.

She told me she went online

and bought herself a Rampant Rabbit sex toy, right?

I think from a brand-new shop.

I don't think she got it cheaper used or anything like that.

Just give it a rinse, it'll be fine. There's an economic downturn.

People are making cuts on luxury items.

Anyway, she told me it arrived, she took it out of the packaging,

lifted it up, realised immediately it needed batteries

and was quite alarmed that her first thought was

which of my children's toys...?

Some of you are ahead of her on this, aren't you?

Which of my children's toys am I going to remove

the batteries from in order...

I love this moment. I don't think it makes for a bad mum or a good mum.

I just love the potential moment.

"Mummy, why's the elephant not working?" "Cos the rabbit is."

LAUGHTER

It's been a pleasure talking to you.

Thanks very much. I'll see you soon, if not before it.

Well done, mate, that was great.

-Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Alun Cochrane!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There you go. That's it, the Good News. We've had fun. Good night.

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